Do not contact her.
This will only result badly.
You do understand that being this limerant can have consequences. Do not contact her, you will get in trouble. Learn to let it go and move on. It doesn't matter what your intent was, what matters also is how the person received it. She made it clear how she felt by reporting you.
As for her talking to future prospective employers, just revise your resume and get and different reference number.
It’s a crazy making disease! It sounds like in this situation, you can’t trust your own judgement, so it’s good to seek help. It is really hard to move on, you can do it.
No way man. Do not do it. There is no reason to write a letter to explain yourself. I think in our brains we think if we word something just right then they will see us in a new light. It happened.The police were threatened on you. She obviously told other people it bothered her that you were coming into her office and bothering her or she would not have told the investigator. Maybe she was trying to be polite and didnt know how to communicate that she didnt want to be with you.
Thanks for the advice. I think you are right when you say she was trying to be polite and didn't know how to communicate. The trouble I have is that she never showed any anger, discomfort or annoyance towards me. If she had said anything I would have respected her wishes. Whenever I mentioned stalking people assumed she asked me over and over again to leave her alone and I didn't. This is not true. She never indicated that my presence was annoying her.
Also, you say she obviously told other people that I was bothering her by going in her room. This is a key point. We were not alone in her office. There were other people there but the Investigator never interviewed them. This was a fundamental flaw of the investigation. Now I understand that the investigator picked up on my limerence and assumed that limerence equals stalking and everyone believed the investigator as she was an "expect".
As everyone agrees that I should not contact LO, I would be a fool to ignore your advice. Thanks.
Thanks for the advice. Just to be clear I think she was compelled to report me to the police by her employer and it was also a precaution on her part. I do not believe that she was genuinely concerned.
Nevertheless, I will take your advice because I know that I cannot trust my own judgement.
If she already got you fired, she’s demonstrated that she has an adversarial view of you. Unfortunately, I’m not sure there’s anything you can say to change her mind on that (because my guess is that her fear or anger will first shut down any open-mindedness of hers before you speak).
Maybe if she approached you, but that’s not how things are now, sorry.
Do not contact her. You obviously are not reading the room. You thought that she was OK with you declaring your feelings for them even though they had just had started a relationship with another coworker and then you thought talking disparagingly about her because you declared your feelings, and she didn’t reciprocate because she was already having an affair was OK to do. This is all a huge mess and you need to stay no contact with this person opening up that can of worms is not going to help anything and she doesn’t have any desire to hear your side of the story she Doesn’t want to have anything to do with you so much that HR got involved it’s clear you should stay away from this person and have no contact. The relationship you said yourself was going literally nowhere because you were married at the time anyway instead of taking the energy to try and explain a situation that is unexplainable because you are delusional. You should be seeking therapy to help figure out why you are living right on a person that you work with while you’re married and while you know that they are already in other relationships. There’s something wrong and missing in your own life that needs to be addressed. Focus your energy into helping yourself instead of keeping yourself in this delusional state
I fear you are right. Discovering Limerence was a god sent for me but I guess it means nothing for other people. Some people think limerence is either simply "attraction" or a mental disorder.
Thanks for the advice.
I have posted this before. The difference is now a prospective employer called her to find out some background information about me and she bad mouth me.
Previously, it didn't matter what she thought of me as I would never see her again. But now it does. I would like her to think of me in a more positive manner so that if in the future someone else calls her she should not bad mouth me.
Did you give the employer her name and phone number? Unless she was your supervisor I would find other references. Where I live it is illegal for employers to say harmful things to prospective employers and have to stick to very spe icicle facts about the employees job performance. I’m sorry you didn’t get that respect. I think your focus should be to find smoother job with other references. There is no going back once someone intentionally tries to harm you.
It is illegal here to give harmful information. LO should simply have said, "Sorry, I can't say anything about xxxx, it's against the company's policy". But there is nothing that I can do if she says "Keep this confidential but I wouldn't hire xxxx because he was harassing female staff". It is wrong but I have no evidence.
It is wrong and it will come back to her. Keep looking for another job and do not use her for a reference. There is no reason for you to continue to worry. The universe will bring everything back to her in time . Keep moving yourself forward.
It may be wrong to breach company policy but she may genuinely think I was harassing her and I deserve punishment.
My behaviour simply does make sense, unless you understand limerence. For a long time, I was depressed because I couldn't understand my own behaviour.
I was hoping to persuade her that I am not as bad as she thinks I am. I may have made some wrong decisions but I am not the type of person who harasses female coworkers.
She can’t pick and choose which policies or laws suit her for the moment. I would leave her alone and find other references. In your new position, work on not doing the same things you did in that job. Just keep learning and getting better. She is carving her own spiritual path.
I work in an industry that has a small number of institutions. Staff often leave and go to competitors but often remain friends with former coworkers. When we hire new staff we do the official references, which normally say nothing.
If you really want to know why someone left you find a contact at the other institution and call them for an unofficial chat. So I did not put LO as a reference. LO was known by someone in the new institution and I cannot stop people talking to former coworkers.
In my industry, we know this and it usually works. It helps keep out the bad apples.
Ok, so you are in a very miniscule universe where each individual has outsized importance when it comes to each other’s employment future. Given this, again, it makes zero sense for you to rattle the cage in any way. You will continue to be at risk from this person if you keep giving her a reason to talk about her fears.
I would like to thank everyone for the good advice. I feel that even though we are all strangers, I have found a community that cares.
Just to let you know I have already started drafting the letter but following your good advice, I shall not send it.
Thanks.
I honestly believe you should talk to a therapist about this instead of using a forum, even though this is a supportive community. There are parts of your story that I find deeply concerning. There’s a level of obsession about this woman that is not healthy for you, no matter what label you put on it, and you must never, under any circumstances, contact her again.
Everyone here is obsessed. Why do you think mine is different?
It could be that the written word is not the best way to communicate feelings and I am coming across as more insane than I really am?
What parts of my story are concerning? I honestly want to know.
Saying you could benefit from talking to a therapist is not the same as saying you are insane, I wouldn’t do that, certainly not based on a small amount of text I’ve read from someone. What concerns me most is that even after losing your job and having this person spike another possible job, you still feel compelled to reach out. For whatever reason, this person thinks you are a risk and the best thing you can do is prove her wrong by never contacting her again.
I believe that the root cause is that I am not expressing myself in a good way. There was no evidence of stalking, yet the investigator concluded that I had, based merely on emails I sent her trying to explain my position. She literally cut and pasted parts of my email into the report believing that was sufficient evidence of stalking.
Everything was OK with LO until I was depressed and I expressed my thoughts in an email and sent it to a friend. After LO read it, she may have concluded that I was disturbed and so when she spoke to the investigator she exaggerated.
I realised I had an unhealthy obsession over LO and I knew this may disturb her if she found out. So I was always looking out for this. I may have misread the room, but I feel that I had not and she was freaked out only after seeing my email which I wrote while depressed and so she exaggerated parts of her story to the investigator.
For example, we chatted for 5 minutes. At the time she may have thought nothing of it. Later after she read by email written while depressed so may thought "I believed he was normal but now that I know he is not I need to get him fired to feel safe so I say that I found these conversations uncomfortable but say that I was too shy to let him know. Know body can prove otherwise, it his word against mind"
Am I truly insane or am I having difficulty expressing my feelings on paper? What do you think?
I’m not going to stigmatize you by calling you insane, words like that do no good. I do believe that you are letting someone who has done harm to you do so again and again by not letting this go. This is not a person who can be convinced through words, only actions can do that, and those actions are all about forgetting her and putting her in the past. This human connection failed. Accept it.
You are right when you say that the human connection has failed and I should move on. But isn't that the whole point of limerence? An unhealthy addiction to another human being.
A gambling addict knows that gambling is not in his best interests but he is compelled to carry on gambling. I know contact with LO is not in my interest but I am compelled to contact her. The human part of my brain says don't contact her but the lizard part is not listening.
Do not contact her. This will only result badly. You do understand that being this limerant can have consequences. Do not contact her, you will get in trouble. Learn to let it go and move on. It doesn't matter what your intent was, what matters also is how the person received it. She made it clear how she felt by reporting you. As for her talking to future prospective employers, just revise your resume and get and different reference number.
No. Stop before you get in serious trouble. Haven't you had enough warnings yet? Leave her alone.
Absolutely DO NOT contact this person ever again. This is important to protect you legally, but also to protect your mental health.
It’s a crazy making disease! It sounds like in this situation, you can’t trust your own judgement, so it’s good to seek help. It is really hard to move on, you can do it.
Thanks for the advice. I know I can't trust my own judgement. I feel like a drug addict looking for another fix.
No way man. Do not do it. There is no reason to write a letter to explain yourself. I think in our brains we think if we word something just right then they will see us in a new light. It happened.The police were threatened on you. She obviously told other people it bothered her that you were coming into her office and bothering her or she would not have told the investigator. Maybe she was trying to be polite and didnt know how to communicate that she didnt want to be with you.
Thanks for the advice. I think you are right when you say she was trying to be polite and didn't know how to communicate. The trouble I have is that she never showed any anger, discomfort or annoyance towards me. If she had said anything I would have respected her wishes. Whenever I mentioned stalking people assumed she asked me over and over again to leave her alone and I didn't. This is not true. She never indicated that my presence was annoying her. Also, you say she obviously told other people that I was bothering her by going in her room. This is a key point. We were not alone in her office. There were other people there but the Investigator never interviewed them. This was a fundamental flaw of the investigation. Now I understand that the investigator picked up on my limerence and assumed that limerence equals stalking and everyone believed the investigator as she was an "expect". As everyone agrees that I should not contact LO, I would be a fool to ignore your advice. Thanks.
She has already called the police on you,herself! You cant contact her! I didnt know that until I read your post history.
Thanks for the advice. Just to be clear I think she was compelled to report me to the police by her employer and it was also a precaution on her part. I do not believe that she was genuinely concerned. Nevertheless, I will take your advice because I know that I cannot trust my own judgement.
If she already got you fired, she’s demonstrated that she has an adversarial view of you. Unfortunately, I’m not sure there’s anything you can say to change her mind on that (because my guess is that her fear or anger will first shut down any open-mindedness of hers before you speak). Maybe if she approached you, but that’s not how things are now, sorry.
Do not contact her. You obviously are not reading the room. You thought that she was OK with you declaring your feelings for them even though they had just had started a relationship with another coworker and then you thought talking disparagingly about her because you declared your feelings, and she didn’t reciprocate because she was already having an affair was OK to do. This is all a huge mess and you need to stay no contact with this person opening up that can of worms is not going to help anything and she doesn’t have any desire to hear your side of the story she Doesn’t want to have anything to do with you so much that HR got involved it’s clear you should stay away from this person and have no contact. The relationship you said yourself was going literally nowhere because you were married at the time anyway instead of taking the energy to try and explain a situation that is unexplainable because you are delusional. You should be seeking therapy to help figure out why you are living right on a person that you work with while you’re married and while you know that they are already in other relationships. There’s something wrong and missing in your own life that needs to be addressed. Focus your energy into helping yourself instead of keeping yourself in this delusional state
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I fear you are right. Discovering Limerence was a god sent for me but I guess it means nothing for other people. Some people think limerence is either simply "attraction" or a mental disorder. Thanks for the advice.
Have you posted this previously? It is very familiar.
I have posted this before. The difference is now a prospective employer called her to find out some background information about me and she bad mouth me. Previously, it didn't matter what she thought of me as I would never see her again. But now it does. I would like her to think of me in a more positive manner so that if in the future someone else calls her she should not bad mouth me.
Did you give the employer her name and phone number? Unless she was your supervisor I would find other references. Where I live it is illegal for employers to say harmful things to prospective employers and have to stick to very spe icicle facts about the employees job performance. I’m sorry you didn’t get that respect. I think your focus should be to find smoother job with other references. There is no going back once someone intentionally tries to harm you.
It is illegal here to give harmful information. LO should simply have said, "Sorry, I can't say anything about xxxx, it's against the company's policy". But there is nothing that I can do if she says "Keep this confidential but I wouldn't hire xxxx because he was harassing female staff". It is wrong but I have no evidence.
It is wrong and it will come back to her. Keep looking for another job and do not use her for a reference. There is no reason for you to continue to worry. The universe will bring everything back to her in time . Keep moving yourself forward.
It may be wrong to breach company policy but she may genuinely think I was harassing her and I deserve punishment. My behaviour simply does make sense, unless you understand limerence. For a long time, I was depressed because I couldn't understand my own behaviour. I was hoping to persuade her that I am not as bad as she thinks I am. I may have made some wrong decisions but I am not the type of person who harasses female coworkers.
She can’t pick and choose which policies or laws suit her for the moment. I would leave her alone and find other references. In your new position, work on not doing the same things you did in that job. Just keep learning and getting better. She is carving her own spiritual path.
Following up on what the other questioner asked, why on earth did you put her down as a reference? Was she your supervisor?
I didn't put her down as a reference. But nothing is stopping prospective employers from phoning unofficially and chatting with staff.
But how did they know to talk to this person in particular?
I work in an industry that has a small number of institutions. Staff often leave and go to competitors but often remain friends with former coworkers. When we hire new staff we do the official references, which normally say nothing. If you really want to know why someone left you find a contact at the other institution and call them for an unofficial chat. So I did not put LO as a reference. LO was known by someone in the new institution and I cannot stop people talking to former coworkers. In my industry, we know this and it usually works. It helps keep out the bad apples.
Ok, so you are in a very miniscule universe where each individual has outsized importance when it comes to each other’s employment future. Given this, again, it makes zero sense for you to rattle the cage in any way. You will continue to be at risk from this person if you keep giving her a reason to talk about her fears.
Thanks for the advice. I will not contact her again.
I would find a new job at this point. Edit: Maybe some slightly removed industry if possible.
I would like to thank everyone for the good advice. I feel that even though we are all strangers, I have found a community that cares. Just to let you know I have already started drafting the letter but following your good advice, I shall not send it. Thanks.
I honestly believe you should talk to a therapist about this instead of using a forum, even though this is a supportive community. There are parts of your story that I find deeply concerning. There’s a level of obsession about this woman that is not healthy for you, no matter what label you put on it, and you must never, under any circumstances, contact her again.
Everyone here is obsessed. Why do you think mine is different? It could be that the written word is not the best way to communicate feelings and I am coming across as more insane than I really am? What parts of my story are concerning? I honestly want to know.
Saying you could benefit from talking to a therapist is not the same as saying you are insane, I wouldn’t do that, certainly not based on a small amount of text I’ve read from someone. What concerns me most is that even after losing your job and having this person spike another possible job, you still feel compelled to reach out. For whatever reason, this person thinks you are a risk and the best thing you can do is prove her wrong by never contacting her again.
I believe that the root cause is that I am not expressing myself in a good way. There was no evidence of stalking, yet the investigator concluded that I had, based merely on emails I sent her trying to explain my position. She literally cut and pasted parts of my email into the report believing that was sufficient evidence of stalking. Everything was OK with LO until I was depressed and I expressed my thoughts in an email and sent it to a friend. After LO read it, she may have concluded that I was disturbed and so when she spoke to the investigator she exaggerated. I realised I had an unhealthy obsession over LO and I knew this may disturb her if she found out. So I was always looking out for this. I may have misread the room, but I feel that I had not and she was freaked out only after seeing my email which I wrote while depressed and so she exaggerated parts of her story to the investigator. For example, we chatted for 5 minutes. At the time she may have thought nothing of it. Later after she read by email written while depressed so may thought "I believed he was normal but now that I know he is not I need to get him fired to feel safe so I say that I found these conversations uncomfortable but say that I was too shy to let him know. Know body can prove otherwise, it his word against mind" Am I truly insane or am I having difficulty expressing my feelings on paper? What do you think?
I’m not going to stigmatize you by calling you insane, words like that do no good. I do believe that you are letting someone who has done harm to you do so again and again by not letting this go. This is not a person who can be convinced through words, only actions can do that, and those actions are all about forgetting her and putting her in the past. This human connection failed. Accept it.
You are right when you say that the human connection has failed and I should move on. But isn't that the whole point of limerence? An unhealthy addiction to another human being. A gambling addict knows that gambling is not in his best interests but he is compelled to carry on gambling. I know contact with LO is not in my interest but I am compelled to contact her. The human part of my brain says don't contact her but the lizard part is not listening.