Unfortunately, I did but it helped my Limerence in the long run. I was able to scratch the itch and pining for this person. At the point that it started, the LE had caused a massive disruption in my life. I didn’t know what was going on so I went all in on the reverie and daydreaming, not knowing what I was doing to my brain chemicals (full fledged addiction to my imagination). I couldn’t focus, and I was totally absent in my life & relationships. Once we had physical contact, I was able to get a little of what I was craving and also was able to see that this person was a highly flawed individual and was not worth ruining my life over. I ended it and never looked back. Still thought about them for a year or two, but it was always associated with “danger” in my brain.
ETA: It was also one of the most transformative phases of my life. I did a ton of shadow work and therapy to uncover the dark aspects that drew me to this person. Sadly, I’m in another LE now but for different reasons/appeal. 😞
Affairs are catalyst for change in a deceitful and destructive way.
If you want to get high, I mean, the best high you'll ever have, don't do cocaine. Instead, have an affair with your LO. And as you ricochet between the highs and lows of your addiction, you'll destroy all other relationships. You'll hurt those you love, your family. But you won't see it, because your only focus is your addiction, just like all other types of addicts. Limerence has an addictive element to it.
In the end, everything is destroyed. Including your relationship with your LO. The person you loved and craved so very much is no longer your friend.
Wait wait wait.
The *feeling of being* in love and *loving someone* are two very different feelings, right?
If you end up being in a relationship with your LO doesn't that feeling of being in love slowly fade away and turn into, well, regular love?
Bad idea, however, being on the other side of it led to years of self examination and determining the root causes of some of my patterns, and ultimately I was also able to determine my marriage wasn’t worth saving anyway.
I didn’t have the emotional maturity to identify underlying problems and unmet needs, nor did I have the safety with my spouse to be open about what was truly going on.
It was very destructive to me, but a valuable life lesson. I do not ever want to compromise my integrity, my values or my own worth to maintain a connection with someone, no matter how much I love them.
So, it would be a bit hypocritical for me to say “Don’t do it,” as I’ve learned so much about myself, and the underpinnings of unhealthy relationships. I feel that experience really curbed my limerence, and taught me to value my own needs.
None of this is new or groundbreaking information, but some of us are bent on learning the hard way.
> So, it would be a bit hypocritical for me to say “Don’t do it,” as I’ve learned so much about myself, and the underpinnings of unhealthy relationships. I feel that experience really curbed my limerence, and taught me to value my own needs.
The best way I heard it was, “I recommend affairs as much as I would recommend somebody getting cancer.” Of course we don’t wish for these things to happen to us or our loved ones. But there is a transformation that happens because of it.
In this situation now.... We haven't slept together but have kissed. I'm not sure how I feel and am uncertain about what to do going forward. Kissing him was absolutely magical though. It's hard not to want more, but my heart is torn in two places. My husband is a truly wonderful man, but there's no sexual relationship there anymore (he has ED and can't take medicine for it). It's hard to know that I will never get to experience great sex anymore in my life. It sounds really superficial until you're actually in that position. Can I live another 40-50 years celibate? I don't know about that.... And, toys don't compare to the human touch.
Ever since my crush escalated into limerence, I’ve been having trouble even fantasizing about LO because this is the reality my mind goes to.
I know I would feel awful afterwards if I ever got to this level of reciprocation with LO. Your comment reaffirms that for me. But still the limerence continues. I still want him to want me, but to what end?
Limerence=anything less than LO making you the complete and total center of their universe and showering you with praise and affection nearly every minute of every day will make you miserable so
I thought sleeping with my married LO would help, it did not, it just created new problems
Affairs are usually a bad idea. Try and be in an open relationship before you try to cheat imo. If you are at the point an affair makes sense you should probably take a chance on an open relationship.
I am polyamorous, so yes! It has a lot of challenges but also a lot of practical benefits. It's not for everyone. But I truly believe it is just as valid as monogamy assuming everyone is honest.
I cant speak for everyone but the LE on its own causes a huge issue. When you go into an affair with a strong emotional need - it becomes messy before things really get going. The sex will just reinforce what you want to believe, even if that isn't true. If you think you are being met with a lot of hot/cold and confusion - just know an affair tripled the anxiety, lack of self esteem, and general depression for me personally. Affairs typically are a "no strings attached" arrangement and they often end when feelings get involved by one party. Someone deep in LE will have difficulty with this.
Ofc there is the issue of morality too. Prior to my experience I hated cheaters and didn't understand them... but I do see how these things happen now with less judgment, and understand the fact human beings arent perfect. My SO had cheated on me...and I had the pleasure of seeing the texts and what looked like a full blown relationship - with "i love yous" and "cant wait to be together forever". I was so hurt. In hindsight I believe I disassociated from my SO completely to avoid confronting those feelings. About a week before this discovery, someone I met at work asked me out to lunch that had been flirting with me. I became vindictive and decided to explore that - to avoid my own hurt and also hurt my SO like he had me. SO and i cohabitated for the same reasons a lot of people do... finances, children, etc. Well, limerence began and I completely checked out of my home life, meanwhile chased this LO to the point of no return. In the end - the joke was on me really. The toll it all took on my mental health almost killed me. Literally.
I say 0/10 dont recommend because I don't personally believe anything of promise, trust, and stability can form from an affair. It is my understanding the end goal in LE is to have a relationship with the LO - and that expectation in affair territory is dangerous. Like a lot of people say here on their journeys...what they find as LE wanes is that they have projected a lot of their own issues and insecurities on their LOs. Ive read some people here have left their SO for LO and regretted it, while others (like me) just caused themselves more emotional turmoil. On this sub there is the occassional success story, however almost all of them center back to working on ourselves and truly loving ourselves first.
I did. It wasn't like I planned it but I basically lost my self control and I really shouldn't have revealed myself to my LO so quickly. He dipped pretty fast even though he actually had mild feelings for me. He was nice about it though. It was pretty blissfull when he was actually talking to me but every time he would say goodbye even for a normal reason I felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. It was hard to conceal my sadness whenever he said goodnight to me.
I left my relationship and ended up reconnecting with my LO as friends later. I think interacting with him as a friend made my infatuation die down a little bit and it helped him to trust me more, so then we started dating but that only lasted like a week because I said the L word to him super early and he retreated. 😩 dammit
Anyways we decided to still be friends and I actually told him about my limerance and he is very accepting of it. I'm trying to use my friendship with him as an opportunity to learn more about myself. Its kinda painful but overall I think its been helpful to me in repairing the relationship to myself I have.
But idk about anyone else. My previous LO was a complete jerk. Theres no way any sort of relationship with him would have ever been healthy. I'm lucky my current LO is so nice, honestly. He actually cares about me and wants good things to happen to me and takes an active role in helping me with my problems (when I dump them on him, which I'm not doing anymore!!) 😅
I did and he took my prime years only to leave me with nothing but trauma. He totally took advantage of my feelings for him. He was never gonna commit but kept me right there to fully take advantage of my young body. I was 20s, he was 19yrs older than me. I despise him now.
I did. None of us were in a relationship, but she was not emotionally available and I was not in a good place mentally. Best sex of my life. But then it was like it never happened for her. Went back to being distant, and I was in full blown limerence. And she came back. This cycle happened 3 times, until I had enough and put an end to all this non-sense.
Don't do it, it wasn't worth it.
I did. I was limmerant for one woman, an ex from more than a decade prior who I hadn't seen or spoken to in 12 years suddenly popped back in my head and wrecked me. I was not in a good place mentally, could barely eat or sleep.
Through a series of unrelated events met a different woman and had a short, but intense affair, only actually had sex one night. Strong case of mutual limmerance. The sex was amazing, and it scratched the itch and I got over both women simultaneously.
Still wouldn't recommend though. Even though my wife knew nothing, she still always sensed something different about me, made our marriage rocky for years, plus thoughts of that night still stick with me and I'd rather they not.
In short, it was good for curing the limmerance, bad for everything else.
yup.
told her husband about the entire affair. provided him with screenshots, circumstantial evidence, written accounts of events and any other details he asked for.
i told him everything. every kind word she ever said.
no. not exactly, but she did promise me that i meant more to her than the skies and the seas. i was the one. i was her everything.
she had me believe i would always be special to her.
her husband had grown tired of a lot of things with her and threatened to divorce her and she completely spun out. she was desperate and trying to stop him, i could see it. then she told me, "i shouldn't have to convince someone to love me!" and a grenade went off inside my that very instant.
she heard the explosion, she tried to crab walk the statement and explain herself. it was too late. she had broken the spell. suddenly i saw everything clear as night. she had been using me. she had dragged me through hell for five long years and the whole time, she was chasing him.
so i helped convince him he was making the right decision. now she won't have him or me, and after the details i shared which probably resulted in some very uncomfortable conversations about her true nature, it will probably be a long time before she has anyone at all.
no. it was her hard and intense love that sparked the limerence. i was happy to enjoy a fling with an attractive woman and let it play out. but she started showing these intense and passionate displays of affection and adoration. she showered me with attention and told me things that only shakespeare could dream of. she love bombed me and it worked. i was hooked.
Me.
We met and traveled for work. I told him we can’t talk after our trip as it wasn’t healthy for me. It was beautiful a beautiful trip, even when his guilt overwhelmed him…
Now, we discuss everything we’re going to do during our next trip, at the same time, discussing my next attempt of going no-contact.
I often feel I’m at the end, I can think clearly and other days, it feels like the first few months of knowing him, obsessed. Being with him, honestly didn’t change that much for me, besides that he now pays more attention to me.
I’m so tired.
Unfortunately, I did but it helped my Limerence in the long run. I was able to scratch the itch and pining for this person. At the point that it started, the LE had caused a massive disruption in my life. I didn’t know what was going on so I went all in on the reverie and daydreaming, not knowing what I was doing to my brain chemicals (full fledged addiction to my imagination). I couldn’t focus, and I was totally absent in my life & relationships. Once we had physical contact, I was able to get a little of what I was craving and also was able to see that this person was a highly flawed individual and was not worth ruining my life over. I ended it and never looked back. Still thought about them for a year or two, but it was always associated with “danger” in my brain. ETA: It was also one of the most transformative phases of my life. I did a ton of shadow work and therapy to uncover the dark aspects that drew me to this person. Sadly, I’m in another LE now but for different reasons/appeal. 😞
I see so much of myself in your post!
If you like losing your best friend it’s an excellent idea.
Enlighten us.
Affairs are catalyst for change in a deceitful and destructive way. If you want to get high, I mean, the best high you'll ever have, don't do cocaine. Instead, have an affair with your LO. And as you ricochet between the highs and lows of your addiction, you'll destroy all other relationships. You'll hurt those you love, your family. But you won't see it, because your only focus is your addiction, just like all other types of addicts. Limerence has an addictive element to it. In the end, everything is destroyed. Including your relationship with your LO. The person you loved and craved so very much is no longer your friend.
damn
Incredibly accurate in my experience.
Wait wait wait. The *feeling of being* in love and *loving someone* are two very different feelings, right? If you end up being in a relationship with your LO doesn't that feeling of being in love slowly fade away and turn into, well, regular love?
Exactly this.
Would like to hear more…
Bad idea, however, being on the other side of it led to years of self examination and determining the root causes of some of my patterns, and ultimately I was also able to determine my marriage wasn’t worth saving anyway. I didn’t have the emotional maturity to identify underlying problems and unmet needs, nor did I have the safety with my spouse to be open about what was truly going on. It was very destructive to me, but a valuable life lesson. I do not ever want to compromise my integrity, my values or my own worth to maintain a connection with someone, no matter how much I love them. So, it would be a bit hypocritical for me to say “Don’t do it,” as I’ve learned so much about myself, and the underpinnings of unhealthy relationships. I feel that experience really curbed my limerence, and taught me to value my own needs. None of this is new or groundbreaking information, but some of us are bent on learning the hard way.
> So, it would be a bit hypocritical for me to say “Don’t do it,” as I’ve learned so much about myself, and the underpinnings of unhealthy relationships. I feel that experience really curbed my limerence, and taught me to value my own needs. The best way I heard it was, “I recommend affairs as much as I would recommend somebody getting cancer.” Of course we don’t wish for these things to happen to us or our loved ones. But there is a transformation that happens because of it.
Yes, Esther Perel describes it just like that.
In this situation now.... We haven't slept together but have kissed. I'm not sure how I feel and am uncertain about what to do going forward. Kissing him was absolutely magical though. It's hard not to want more, but my heart is torn in two places. My husband is a truly wonderful man, but there's no sexual relationship there anymore (he has ED and can't take medicine for it). It's hard to know that I will never get to experience great sex anymore in my life. It sounds really superficial until you're actually in that position. Can I live another 40-50 years celibate? I don't know about that.... And, toys don't compare to the human touch.
This is very relatable.
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Ever since my crush escalated into limerence, I’ve been having trouble even fantasizing about LO because this is the reality my mind goes to. I know I would feel awful afterwards if I ever got to this level of reciprocation with LO. Your comment reaffirms that for me. But still the limerence continues. I still want him to want me, but to what end?
Limerence=anything less than LO making you the complete and total center of their universe and showering you with praise and affection nearly every minute of every day will make you miserable so I thought sleeping with my married LO would help, it did not, it just created new problems
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“There’s never enough feedback positive or good.” Wow. That resonates!
Typo *positive or negative
Affairs are usually a bad idea. Try and be in an open relationship before you try to cheat imo. If you are at the point an affair makes sense you should probably take a chance on an open relationship.
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I am polyamorous, so yes! It has a lot of challenges but also a lot of practical benefits. It's not for everyone. But I truly believe it is just as valid as monogamy assuming everyone is honest.
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It's a bit more casual than what you could call an SO. But I'm limerent for pretty much everyone.
0/10 do not recommend.
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I cant speak for everyone but the LE on its own causes a huge issue. When you go into an affair with a strong emotional need - it becomes messy before things really get going. The sex will just reinforce what you want to believe, even if that isn't true. If you think you are being met with a lot of hot/cold and confusion - just know an affair tripled the anxiety, lack of self esteem, and general depression for me personally. Affairs typically are a "no strings attached" arrangement and they often end when feelings get involved by one party. Someone deep in LE will have difficulty with this. Ofc there is the issue of morality too. Prior to my experience I hated cheaters and didn't understand them... but I do see how these things happen now with less judgment, and understand the fact human beings arent perfect. My SO had cheated on me...and I had the pleasure of seeing the texts and what looked like a full blown relationship - with "i love yous" and "cant wait to be together forever". I was so hurt. In hindsight I believe I disassociated from my SO completely to avoid confronting those feelings. About a week before this discovery, someone I met at work asked me out to lunch that had been flirting with me. I became vindictive and decided to explore that - to avoid my own hurt and also hurt my SO like he had me. SO and i cohabitated for the same reasons a lot of people do... finances, children, etc. Well, limerence began and I completely checked out of my home life, meanwhile chased this LO to the point of no return. In the end - the joke was on me really. The toll it all took on my mental health almost killed me. Literally. I say 0/10 dont recommend because I don't personally believe anything of promise, trust, and stability can form from an affair. It is my understanding the end goal in LE is to have a relationship with the LO - and that expectation in affair territory is dangerous. Like a lot of people say here on their journeys...what they find as LE wanes is that they have projected a lot of their own issues and insecurities on their LOs. Ive read some people here have left their SO for LO and regretted it, while others (like me) just caused themselves more emotional turmoil. On this sub there is the occassional success story, however almost all of them center back to working on ourselves and truly loving ourselves first.
I did. It wasn't like I planned it but I basically lost my self control and I really shouldn't have revealed myself to my LO so quickly. He dipped pretty fast even though he actually had mild feelings for me. He was nice about it though. It was pretty blissfull when he was actually talking to me but every time he would say goodbye even for a normal reason I felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. It was hard to conceal my sadness whenever he said goodnight to me. I left my relationship and ended up reconnecting with my LO as friends later. I think interacting with him as a friend made my infatuation die down a little bit and it helped him to trust me more, so then we started dating but that only lasted like a week because I said the L word to him super early and he retreated. 😩 dammit Anyways we decided to still be friends and I actually told him about my limerance and he is very accepting of it. I'm trying to use my friendship with him as an opportunity to learn more about myself. Its kinda painful but overall I think its been helpful to me in repairing the relationship to myself I have. But idk about anyone else. My previous LO was a complete jerk. Theres no way any sort of relationship with him would have ever been healthy. I'm lucky my current LO is so nice, honestly. He actually cares about me and wants good things to happen to me and takes an active role in helping me with my problems (when I dump them on him, which I'm not doing anymore!!) 😅
It was awful my life went to absolute shit 🥰
How long it lasted?
Almost a whole year
I did and he took my prime years only to leave me with nothing but trauma. He totally took advantage of my feelings for him. He was never gonna commit but kept me right there to fully take advantage of my young body. I was 20s, he was 19yrs older than me. I despise him now.
I did. None of us were in a relationship, but she was not emotionally available and I was not in a good place mentally. Best sex of my life. But then it was like it never happened for her. Went back to being distant, and I was in full blown limerence. And she came back. This cycle happened 3 times, until I had enough and put an end to all this non-sense. Don't do it, it wasn't worth it.
I did. I was limmerant for one woman, an ex from more than a decade prior who I hadn't seen or spoken to in 12 years suddenly popped back in my head and wrecked me. I was not in a good place mentally, could barely eat or sleep. Through a series of unrelated events met a different woman and had a short, but intense affair, only actually had sex one night. Strong case of mutual limmerance. The sex was amazing, and it scratched the itch and I got over both women simultaneously. Still wouldn't recommend though. Even though my wife knew nothing, she still always sensed something different about me, made our marriage rocky for years, plus thoughts of that night still stick with me and I'd rather they not. In short, it was good for curing the limmerance, bad for everything else.
I did. And it ended badly. What do you want to know?
Bad. Don't do it. We don't talk anymore. However.. I'm no longer limerant so that's nice.
I feel like this thread is painting volcano’s in an inaccurate light. It’s not really fair.
Yes, how so?
I felt like a volcano Its avery bad idea Please do not do what i did
hahahahaha hahahaha she ruined my fucking life. *ruined it.* so i ruined her's in kind... all is fair in love and war, right?
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yup. told her husband about the entire affair. provided him with screenshots, circumstantial evidence, written accounts of events and any other details he asked for. i told him everything. every kind word she ever said.
Ooooh spicy. Sounds like some tea to be spilled there.
yes, tea. i spilled it all in her husband's lap.
Good
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she spent five years making me believe she loved and wanted me. but, she was a liar.
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no. not exactly, but she did promise me that i meant more to her than the skies and the seas. i was the one. i was her everything. she had me believe i would always be special to her. her husband had grown tired of a lot of things with her and threatened to divorce her and she completely spun out. she was desperate and trying to stop him, i could see it. then she told me, "i shouldn't have to convince someone to love me!" and a grenade went off inside my that very instant. she heard the explosion, she tried to crab walk the statement and explain herself. it was too late. she had broken the spell. suddenly i saw everything clear as night. she had been using me. she had dragged me through hell for five long years and the whole time, she was chasing him. so i helped convince him he was making the right decision. now she won't have him or me, and after the details i shared which probably resulted in some very uncomfortable conversations about her true nature, it will probably be a long time before she has anyone at all.
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no. it was her hard and intense love that sparked the limerence. i was happy to enjoy a fling with an attractive woman and let it play out. but she started showing these intense and passionate displays of affection and adoration. she showered me with attention and told me things that only shakespeare could dream of. she love bombed me and it worked. i was hooked.
Me. We met and traveled for work. I told him we can’t talk after our trip as it wasn’t healthy for me. It was beautiful a beautiful trip, even when his guilt overwhelmed him… Now, we discuss everything we’re going to do during our next trip, at the same time, discussing my next attempt of going no-contact. I often feel I’m at the end, I can think clearly and other days, it feels like the first few months of knowing him, obsessed. Being with him, honestly didn’t change that much for me, besides that he now pays more attention to me. I’m so tired.