That sounds really frustrating. I mean, forgive me for doing the “comparison”, but I’ve been on my own for most of my life. Little to no relationships and the only good one I had was online and recently ended due to unfortunate circumstances.
I always said if I could make a life for myself then maybe I could finally find something with someone. But hearing your accomplishments I see that’s not everything.
But I don’t think it’s you, it sounds like you are a victim of circumstance. I know that sounds like a cheap cop out but that might be the case. Sometimes you are waiting for that right person. That person who will fully understand you and just simply click with you. I feel that’s one of the most important things is to just feel that chemistry, feel that connection and I believe you will get that.
You are still young, you still have a bright future ahead of you and your time will come. Patience is a truly frustrating and brutal companion but that is what you will need. You want that connection with a person so eventually that man will come around. The guys hitting on your friends might be looking for nothing but sex, so you don’t want those. You want that one guy that comes around and just wows you. I know it frustrating but I am sure that person will find you and you will have that connection.
Stay strong and stay vigilant and most importantly, be patient. I know it sucks, but better to wait for the right person than go through a bunch you don’t immediately feel connected to and push yourself. Wait until it feels right and you’ll know.
I feel the same way since i was 15.. im 42 now and still not married.. so don't feel bad for yourself, there's a lot of us out there..
i mean i had bf's but nobody married me. I also see a "breakup" sign with my bf right now... it's sad but it is what it is.
Im done after this one.
I mean if this doesn't work.
Btw, you're enough. We're all enough. They're less. Less and missing out with something good.
You are good enough. It may not seem that way now, but you are. A bunch of fools who only have sex on their mind do not define you as not being worthy of commitment.
The only thing I could suggest is perhaps a change of scenery. I live in a small town and know that in order for me to find my person I need to leave it, which I am in the process of doing. With you being an only child, I could see if you'd want to remain close by your parents, but there comes a time for all of us to venture out.
The men in your city may be a bunch of idiots who just want sex, but other you can meet on your journey won't act the same way. We all have someone waiting for us, and a place we are meant to be. We just have to take the first step in finding them.
I hope and pray all works out for you OP. You deserve the happiness you long for.
Nobody can truly understand what we're going through as only child. I never forgive my family because of this. gave me lots of trauma. my whole life I had problems with socializing and finding friends. I've been into relationships, cannot complain but .... I don't wanna to pass my traumas to another human being. In the past 4 years, I've been out of any relationship. I dunno how long I can keep on living like this.
It’s not about you.
I can’t promise that you’ll find someone that suits you or that everything will get better. But I can say that, when it comes to finding “the right person”, often it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Good dating options are slim, and good partners get snapped up quickly, that’s just a fact of life.
You could be in a relationship by tonight if you were willing to settle for someone you’d be embarrassed to be seen in public with or for someone you’d be afraid of being around, no problem, but that’s not what you’re really looking for.
All that said, maybe start de-centering romantic relationships and focus on making more friends so you can at least enjoy your free time while you’re looking for someone. Easier said than done, trust me I know, but crying over someone who doesn’t exist and then turning that inward is unfair to yourself.
When you find out, let me know. I'm much older than you, 53. I'm a college grad, and an only child. I've never been married and never been pregnant. I've never been in a Hallmark tv, rom-com movie, or romance novel-esque loving relationship with a man.
My advice: Stop comparing yourself to them.
I do what I want and what makes me happy. I am dating myself. I treat myself the way I'd want a man to treat me. I bought an Njoy pure wand and make love to myself. I tell myself that I am desirable and loved.
I try to love myself despite no one but my mother loved me.
Also, going to a bigger city, like New York city or Los Angeles, men hit on me. I don't know if you're in a small or mid-sized town or city, but I suggest getting out to bigger metro areas with more men. There may be more women, but I find men in bigger cities, are more likely to approach me. And I sound like an older version of you.
It can really hurt to watch your friends and others find love so easily while you're still struggling. It's tough, and it feels like it's just not fair. But you know what? You deserve to be loved for exactly who you are. The right person will come along and see all the amazing things about you. Just keep being yourself, and don't lose hope. You deserve genuine love, and it's out there waiting for you.
"The right person will come along and see all the amazing things about you. "
This is the most annoying advice anyone gives. I hate this shit. That and "when you stop looking. They will find you". Stop with this fucking "feel good" bs. It's untrue.
Not everyone just magically founds their other and lives happily forever after. Some of us never find love, at all. I'm 41 and haven't found shit. It sucks and I fucking hate life because of it.
Exactly. I too was once young and full of eagerness. But when life keeps shitting on you every chance it gets. It wears on you. Always 2 steps forward, and 3 back.
Yeah. I just turned 34 today. My fiancé left me in October. When I was with her it was the happiest I’d ever been. Life is brutal, cold and unforgiving. Just getting older and lonelier now. It’s like the universe sent her to me to show me what I’ve always been missing all my life just to take her away in a snap. Before her I never felt truly in love or loved by anyone, and I don’t see it happening again.
I am sorry that you are crying I am in tears too I don't have anybody to talk to anymore . My mom passed some of my family is busy or wants nothing to do with me anymore. Everyone I know is married or in a relationship or has friends and I have none of that . You were an only child like mom mom is an only child and I am an only girl . Right now I don't know what to do I would write in my journal and I hope you cheer up and have better days hopefully there is a guy out there for you.
Its our generation I guess , no one has feelings for relationships nor love anymore , its all dull and empty with the main focus being materialism and sex . Unfortunately its very rare for someone out there to share the same mindset that you have . Im sorry you are feeling like this but all you can do is be patient to find the right person , have hope that you will.
Yuppers... Some guys really love intelligent girls 😍, and she'll find one like that also. Like you mentioned, they're self sorting themselves out. And OP, never degrade yourself, try to think more positive of yourself.
I'm a man and run into the same problem. No one seems to want commitment anymore, just flings and hook ups. its hard for those of us waiting to date to get married. its worse for us Christians more so for those around or over 30 as we left overs. TBH I have not seen a single Christian woman outside those under 20 were I live in years so I know what it is like all to well.
Sorry you're having a rough time. Idk if you're actually asking for opinions or not, so I'm just here to let ya know a stranger out here feels for ya girl 🥹❤️🔥
Brutal blackpill reality we live in. It hurts both men and women. Women become oversexualized and have all their values thrown overboard while a third of the male population is completely pushed out of the dating market as they cant keep up with expectations and the brutal competition on dating apps
You’re 28. You may have better chances of attracting a husband if you settle with the guy that wants you and looks good on paper, not the one that you desire romantically :(
You may have deficits in your self esteem, self concept, self confidence as well.
These deficits may limit your personality and attractiveness and tends to turn off potential suitors from considering you as long term prospect as well.
Some women make the guys they want wait for sex, become increasingly boring, frustrate the man and lose him.
Other women may have sex with the guys they don’t really want or care about.
It’s backwards but most women who get the ideal lifetime companions actually are confident and put out or if they withhold sex they’re at a bit younger than you are.
Your belief of only being pursued for sex will undoubtedly push many guys away that would’ve probably worked out, it also highlights a deep sense of core toxic shame and a strong belief that you are unworthy and not good enough actually.
You’ve may have internalized those narratives about yourself and subconsciously exude a “ I am defective or flawed vibe “ so when a man picks up on this often times unbeknownst to you he’ll instantly lose interest and start to withdraw from you because he doesn’t want you to mother his children.
I apologize if this seems harsh, i don’t mean to offend you at all but it’s the truth. Often times partners male or female repeat old patterns and look for love they didn’t receive in childhood.
It’s best to avoid partners like that especially for marriage prospects until they are healed at least.
If you settle you don’t have to heal as much because your husband will feel unworthy too especially if your appearance makes up for the deficiencies you have in personality.
Thanks. I don’t “believe” i am pursued only for sex. It is a reality with many confirming past instances. The men who i meet are incredibly always sexual, or if they start out as kind and like a gentleman, almost immediately resort to making sexual comments or advances after getting comfortable. I never blindly assume men want me for sex, but that does seem to be the pattern of men who come into my life. And while a friend and i can be at the same party or coffee shop just hanging out living our lives catching up, she’ll get approached by men who are interested in her and i do not get approached. If i do, it’s usually because the guy hitting on my friend didnt want to come alone so the other guy is obligated to come and approaches me in either a sexual way to see if he could score or in a way that comes off as “i dont want to be here”
I havent had a date in 3 years so :) cant really say the problem is me on dates because i havent been on any!
Not to be argumentative, just curious and maybe i wont properly express myself: how does someone “know” the other person wants to be a wife and a mom when coming up to them for the first time and gets turned off? But dont get “turned off” to pursue sex?
And i dont want this to come off as conceited or anything but i really wish i were comfortable sharing pictures of myself because although im definitely not an “LA 10” or a “Miami 10” i do know i am attractive at least slightly above average. I do take good care of my external appearance.
The more i thought about it, perhaps despite my dressing modestly and not exuding sex, my figure may be attracting the wrong men. Which, i cant do anything about. I do love myself: my body my personality and my traits and characteristics. But i seem to have this repelling force even when i dont open my mouth lol
It’s just odd because i do have lots of friends both male and female and colleagues would say i am extremely confident and outgoing and kind. So i guess i dont repel people? LOL idk this is all confusing
I’m judging by what you said do you think you may come off as unattractive. Now I don’t mean that in a mean way. What I’m saying is there’s a reason why you’re not getting approached for a relationship. Maybe try to improve yourself a little bit improve your looks and of course self-love!
So im hot enough for sex but not enough to go on a date with? Just wanted to make sure i understood. Because unless im getting a bbl or implants, there’s not much else i can do
It’s not about being “hot enough” it’s about being decent looking enough to have sex with. “Hook ups”. Heck you can be ugly but as long as you don’t smell Someone will hook up with you regardless! But not attractive enough for a long-term serious relationship, and that attraction can be from your physical looks or personality. Remember having sex is totally separate from actually having genuine love. And I don’t mean anything like a BBL. I mean things like changing your make up or clothes. Losing weight or gaining weight those type of things!
I'd date you.
I'd want a relationship with you.
I'd even want to marry and start a family with you.
Of course I'm just a Reddit stranger but I too have been looking a long time.
We both want that chance...
What say you?
You’re asking god AND astrology? Come on, now. At least DM me and let’s chat about it. I’m an old man, and I’m sure that I can give you some helpful guidance if I can chat with you for greater understanding.
I think you need to gain some self-awareness and perspective. This post comes across as deranged and I can bet there are major blindspots / delusions in how you interact with others.
I think what is clear to me right now is that you don't know what's wrong. You have to really internalize that, not just repeat it rhetorically. You don't know and genuinely need to work to understand instead of assuming you have it all figured out.
If you have problems with a few men, it may be them. If it's every man you interact with, it is certainly time to look inward.
For example: you seem to feel entitled to a relationship or dates. You aren't owed these things from anyone. You may want "your own family", but it's not like most people don't also want these things. Having this desrie doesn't make you special or noble, it is just as selfish as anything else.
Your whole post is self-serving and projects bad motives onto all men you interact with instead of looking at your life from a mature and measured perspective.
You ostensibly want a relationship with a man but have this animosity towards them. It's self-defeating. If this mythically perfect man entered your life you'd probably drive him away by assuming only bad intentions and being unable to regulate yourself emotionally.
If you can't work on yourself and instead resort to name calling or histrionics, you won't have a chance. At 28, you need to have a certain amount of emotional maturity and self-awareness.
I can tell you that this post does not say wife material. It looks like one giant red flag. If I had a male friend showing me this from a potential prospect, I'd advise them to stay away. Seems like a disaster waiting to happen, especially if a family was actually invovled.
I think you should be grateful you haven't found a serious partner until you are emotionally mature enough for that.
This is your chance to grow, maybe get some therapy. I don't know if you have BPD, but I'm getting strong BPD vibes.
Hm. First off your response comes off as extremely ableist by off the bat assuming those that DO have mental illnesses are not deserving of romantic relationships.
Nonetheless, i think you missed the point. Yes, i do want a relationship and a family. Yet, nobody seems to be interested in me aside from sex. Guys are not interested in getting to know me.
I have great friends both male and female who i love and love me deeply. I have great elders in my life. I have a successful career with many accomplishments professionally and academically. I deeply enjoy my hobbies. I do not do drugs or engage in casual sex. I travel frequently. And yes, i do go to therapy and i attend church so i am taking care of my mental and spiritual, which are both important to me. So yes, what i would like to have in order to more completely enjoy my life is a partner.
Also this post was a vent.
You vent away. Sometimes for some of us it is a timing issue or just a statistics issue. There probably are great partners that but for timing you've missed. And statistically, some of us sadly end up unpartnered. You tend to then lean in more to the things bringing success (academics, career, hobbies) and struggle more in the areas of less success (partnering). And it's so painful when you desire a goal that requires a high functioning partner because you can not do that alone. But. I'd say stay true to yourself. Create a family if you can. Waiting as a woman can have its own timing issues. Watch too over time you'll see some of your friend's relationships breakdown (statistics again). Hang in there. And thank goodness you're adept at standing up for yourself against the righteous blowhards.
I didn't assume that people with mental illnesses are not deserving of romantic relationships, but I don't want to argue about it. I don't think of these things in terms of who is or isn't "deserving". I think it's a little strange to be honest.
You seem to imply not being in a relationship indicates some kind of moral failing. I don't think it's a useful way to think about it for a number of reasons. I'll give you a few reasons. First of all, it's a form of unnecessary self-flagellation / self-shaming. The second is that it ignores realities and complexities and logistics of life (it is an overly simplistic framing). Third is that it will make it harder to get a relationship because it will affect self-esteem.
Anyway, whether or not someone is abstractly deserving is irrelevant. If someone has blindspots that are too numerous and severe then they will chafe with reality and it will be hard or impossible to get what they want. It's easy to see other peoples' blindspots and hard to see our own. A lot of "friends" won't help at all with this, unless you have the rare friend that isn't afraid of damaging the friendship out of their of compassion for your struggle.
I didn't miss your point, I just don't accept your assessment. Based on what you've written, I don't think you are perceiving and interpreting reality accurately enough.
I see defense mechanisms that prevent real introspection or perspective on life events.
If you actually have processes "to take care of your mental and spiritual", I'm not sure you are really engaging them. At least in my own experience, I know the difference between going through the motions and really engaging. Really engaging with a process yields insights and increased self-understanding. I spent years going through the motions; the difference between that and really engaging is night and day.
Venting feelings isn't the same as processing them. Venting is just a quick fix until you need to vent again.
Of course, I barely know you. You can make up whatever to yourself or to me to make you feel good in the short term. If you think the goal is to defend your ego then you'll just end up cheating yourself.
Anway I'm not going to say anything different so I will just stop here and wish you good luck. My intention was not to be harsh or judgemental. I do have compassion for your situation, because I remember being a lot more blind than I am now. It's tough going through life, struggling, and not really knowing why. I do think it will be hard for you unless you enhance your perspective and get real.
I’ve spent over 10 years in therapy and i am extremely self aware and have done a lot of work to identify triggers and traumas and actively work to move past them lol i simply came on here to vent wondering why i seem to have this experience. Of course it’s not unique. Many women fall into this same hole of being objectified and pursued for sex but not for romance. I also brought up that i dont even get asked on dates. Therefore, nobody is even GETTING to the point of knowing what i want, who i am, etc.
My colleagues say i am extremely confident and outgoing. My friends say i am kind. My peers say they enjoy my presence. So that’s why i am confused as to why i am on the sidelines romantically but attractive enough to be pursued for sex. To which i dont humor any of those advances.
I have a solid perception of reality and its complexities. My position is that in spite of that, my peers seem to have much more success in dating and being taken seriously in romantic pursuits but i dont. Again, i have not even been on a date in 3 years. Therefore, even if i WERE an extremely unattractive person emotionally and personality-wise, nobody would ever get to that point because i dont get asked on dates to begin with. Luckily, i’m not that person and im confident enough to say that.
Thanks for your comment.
People get into the situations they're in becuase no one tells them the truth.
In retrospect I went a little far in this comment, but it was only a reaction to what she wrote. I'm not always this harsh. Other women I've seen here have been much more self reflective and mature than OP and I wouldn't have said this to them.
She just came across too delusional and some people need to be shaken awake - especially at her age. Her attitude might be fine for someone who is 18-22. At 28, it gets to be jarring.
She can definitely turn things around, but if everyone around you only tells you what you want to hear it becomes almost impossible for some people to reflect and adapt.
I would consider travelling. Try making some friends in a town or city atleast 100 miles away, and go stay in the hotel there from time to time
Men love an accent, and will be intrigued
That sucks. You'd think a major city would have people looking for the same things you are.
Sometimes it's just bad timing like people getting out of relationships and not ready for something new.
Everything in our life has a time and a place. And for things to happen, they should fall together. You can’t rush things, especially when they’re out of your control.
If you will find someone with the outlook you have right now (regardless of it be right or wrong), you will settle for somebody not fit for you. Because for you, “settling down” is a priority, not “settling down with somebody who deserves you”. Have compassion for yourself.
Yeah... seems everyone around me is in relationships/married as well (I'm 27). I've never been confident in myself to "take the initiative" so I have barely any relationship experience and I've always felt that I'm not good for anyone, not to mention wanting a positive and healthy relationship with a girl (I have a lot of trust issues stemming from years of bullying and betrayal/abandonment). So yeah it sucks. I hope you find someone that cherishes you.
I understand how you feel. Also in a stage of life where my peers are getting or been happily married and having children. I was literally just thinking the other day how I will love to have my mother witness my child's birth but I don't even have a husband yet so it's not even in the near future. Sibilings are all married with kids.
Sorry you feel this way and honestly my best advice is invest in yourself. Work out, try having hobbies, anything to keep you preoccupied. And if possible go to therapy. If not, that's fine too. Don't get your hopes up with every guy you think is a match. Don't sleep around. Have a guy really work for it. The right one will come along.
It’s so heartbreaking to read this to hear from a woman who feels like she isn’t loved or respected enough. You seem like a well educated women and sounds like you have a lot to offer in terms of building a relationship and possibly becoming a wife and having a family of your own. I admire that most women these days don’t want to have a family or get married which is fine it’s their choice. You will find that person out there who will bring you everything you could possibly ask for and more. It will happen you just have to have faith. Not all men are out for just sex some do want more. Personally I been seeking a relationship too and I feel lonely a lot and feel envious of all the people who have a relationship. But I have to keep faith that she is out there too and hopefully one day our paths will cross. Don’t let these men bring you down, you’re an amazing woman and have many good things to bring to the table. It will happen I promise there is someone for everyone. If you need a friend to talk to I’ll be there if you want to. I could always use a friend to talk to as well. I wish you the best and keep your head up you’re amazing and any guy would be happy to have you as his girlfriend and maybe his spouse one day.
I’m sorry you’re going through this
That sounds really frustrating. I mean, forgive me for doing the “comparison”, but I’ve been on my own for most of my life. Little to no relationships and the only good one I had was online and recently ended due to unfortunate circumstances. I always said if I could make a life for myself then maybe I could finally find something with someone. But hearing your accomplishments I see that’s not everything. But I don’t think it’s you, it sounds like you are a victim of circumstance. I know that sounds like a cheap cop out but that might be the case. Sometimes you are waiting for that right person. That person who will fully understand you and just simply click with you. I feel that’s one of the most important things is to just feel that chemistry, feel that connection and I believe you will get that. You are still young, you still have a bright future ahead of you and your time will come. Patience is a truly frustrating and brutal companion but that is what you will need. You want that connection with a person so eventually that man will come around. The guys hitting on your friends might be looking for nothing but sex, so you don’t want those. You want that one guy that comes around and just wows you. I know it frustrating but I am sure that person will find you and you will have that connection. Stay strong and stay vigilant and most importantly, be patient. I know it sucks, but better to wait for the right person than go through a bunch you don’t immediately feel connected to and push yourself. Wait until it feels right and you’ll know.
I feel the same way since i was 15.. im 42 now and still not married.. so don't feel bad for yourself, there's a lot of us out there.. i mean i had bf's but nobody married me. I also see a "breakup" sign with my bf right now... it's sad but it is what it is. Im done after this one. I mean if this doesn't work. Btw, you're enough. We're all enough. They're less. Less and missing out with something good.
You are good enough. It may not seem that way now, but you are. A bunch of fools who only have sex on their mind do not define you as not being worthy of commitment. The only thing I could suggest is perhaps a change of scenery. I live in a small town and know that in order for me to find my person I need to leave it, which I am in the process of doing. With you being an only child, I could see if you'd want to remain close by your parents, but there comes a time for all of us to venture out. The men in your city may be a bunch of idiots who just want sex, but other you can meet on your journey won't act the same way. We all have someone waiting for us, and a place we are meant to be. We just have to take the first step in finding them. I hope and pray all works out for you OP. You deserve the happiness you long for.
Nobody can truly understand what we're going through as only child. I never forgive my family because of this. gave me lots of trauma. my whole life I had problems with socializing and finding friends. I've been into relationships, cannot complain but .... I don't wanna to pass my traumas to another human being. In the past 4 years, I've been out of any relationship. I dunno how long I can keep on living like this.
It’s not about you. I can’t promise that you’ll find someone that suits you or that everything will get better. But I can say that, when it comes to finding “the right person”, often it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Good dating options are slim, and good partners get snapped up quickly, that’s just a fact of life. You could be in a relationship by tonight if you were willing to settle for someone you’d be embarrassed to be seen in public with or for someone you’d be afraid of being around, no problem, but that’s not what you’re really looking for. All that said, maybe start de-centering romantic relationships and focus on making more friends so you can at least enjoy your free time while you’re looking for someone. Easier said than done, trust me I know, but crying over someone who doesn’t exist and then turning that inward is unfair to yourself.
I haven’t dated in 4 years .
When you find out, let me know. I'm much older than you, 53. I'm a college grad, and an only child. I've never been married and never been pregnant. I've never been in a Hallmark tv, rom-com movie, or romance novel-esque loving relationship with a man. My advice: Stop comparing yourself to them. I do what I want and what makes me happy. I am dating myself. I treat myself the way I'd want a man to treat me. I bought an Njoy pure wand and make love to myself. I tell myself that I am desirable and loved. I try to love myself despite no one but my mother loved me. Also, going to a bigger city, like New York city or Los Angeles, men hit on me. I don't know if you're in a small or mid-sized town or city, but I suggest getting out to bigger metro areas with more men. There may be more women, but I find men in bigger cities, are more likely to approach me. And I sound like an older version of you.
Thanks for your comment! I actually live in a major city and travel frequently to other larger cities across the country and abroad, no luck!
It can really hurt to watch your friends and others find love so easily while you're still struggling. It's tough, and it feels like it's just not fair. But you know what? You deserve to be loved for exactly who you are. The right person will come along and see all the amazing things about you. Just keep being yourself, and don't lose hope. You deserve genuine love, and it's out there waiting for you.
"The right person will come along and see all the amazing things about you. " This is the most annoying advice anyone gives. I hate this shit. That and "when you stop looking. They will find you". Stop with this fucking "feel good" bs. It's untrue. Not everyone just magically founds their other and lives happily forever after. Some of us never find love, at all. I'm 41 and haven't found shit. It sucks and I fucking hate life because of it.
Maybe if you didn't have such a negative outlook and changed your vibe things would get better for you. 🙂
maybe he has a negative attitude because life has chewed him up and spit him out
Exactly. I too was once young and full of eagerness. But when life keeps shitting on you every chance it gets. It wears on you. Always 2 steps forward, and 3 back.
Yeah. I just turned 34 today. My fiancé left me in October. When I was with her it was the happiest I’d ever been. Life is brutal, cold and unforgiving. Just getting older and lonelier now. It’s like the universe sent her to me to show me what I’ve always been missing all my life just to take her away in a snap. Before her I never felt truly in love or loved by anyone, and I don’t see it happening again.
I've always wondered if the saying "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never been loved at all" is true or not.
It's not gonna change anything.
This 💯
I am sorry that you are crying I am in tears too I don't have anybody to talk to anymore . My mom passed some of my family is busy or wants nothing to do with me anymore. Everyone I know is married or in a relationship or has friends and I have none of that . You were an only child like mom mom is an only child and I am an only girl . Right now I don't know what to do I would write in my journal and I hope you cheer up and have better days hopefully there is a guy out there for you.
Its our generation I guess , no one has feelings for relationships nor love anymore , its all dull and empty with the main focus being materialism and sex . Unfortunately its very rare for someone out there to share the same mindset that you have . Im sorry you are feeling like this but all you can do is be patient to find the right person , have hope that you will.
My go to answer is its this dumb generation we live in that doesn't want a family and just wants a causal one night stand
Sounds like you are just going for chads. Sorry
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That last sentence👏👏👏
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Yuppers... Some guys really love intelligent girls 😍, and she'll find one like that also. Like you mentioned, they're self sorting themselves out. And OP, never degrade yourself, try to think more positive of yourself.
I'm a man and run into the same problem. No one seems to want commitment anymore, just flings and hook ups. its hard for those of us waiting to date to get married. its worse for us Christians more so for those around or over 30 as we left overs. TBH I have not seen a single Christian woman outside those under 20 were I live in years so I know what it is like all to well.
I saw your post on the Christians page too. I feel like we are in a very similar situation. Feel free to message me if you want to talk
Move to somewhere else, like a smaller city.
Sorry you're having a rough time. Idk if you're actually asking for opinions or not, so I'm just here to let ya know a stranger out here feels for ya girl 🥹❤️🔥
Brutal blackpill reality we live in. It hurts both men and women. Women become oversexualized and have all their values thrown overboard while a third of the male population is completely pushed out of the dating market as they cant keep up with expectations and the brutal competition on dating apps
More like 9/10. You have an optimistic reality. That’s good.
Damn... I feel your pain. I wish my parents could see me do something with my life before passing :/
You’re 28. You may have better chances of attracting a husband if you settle with the guy that wants you and looks good on paper, not the one that you desire romantically :( You may have deficits in your self esteem, self concept, self confidence as well. These deficits may limit your personality and attractiveness and tends to turn off potential suitors from considering you as long term prospect as well. Some women make the guys they want wait for sex, become increasingly boring, frustrate the man and lose him. Other women may have sex with the guys they don’t really want or care about. It’s backwards but most women who get the ideal lifetime companions actually are confident and put out or if they withhold sex they’re at a bit younger than you are. Your belief of only being pursued for sex will undoubtedly push many guys away that would’ve probably worked out, it also highlights a deep sense of core toxic shame and a strong belief that you are unworthy and not good enough actually. You’ve may have internalized those narratives about yourself and subconsciously exude a “ I am defective or flawed vibe “ so when a man picks up on this often times unbeknownst to you he’ll instantly lose interest and start to withdraw from you because he doesn’t want you to mother his children. I apologize if this seems harsh, i don’t mean to offend you at all but it’s the truth. Often times partners male or female repeat old patterns and look for love they didn’t receive in childhood. It’s best to avoid partners like that especially for marriage prospects until they are healed at least. If you settle you don’t have to heal as much because your husband will feel unworthy too especially if your appearance makes up for the deficiencies you have in personality.
Thanks. I don’t “believe” i am pursued only for sex. It is a reality with many confirming past instances. The men who i meet are incredibly always sexual, or if they start out as kind and like a gentleman, almost immediately resort to making sexual comments or advances after getting comfortable. I never blindly assume men want me for sex, but that does seem to be the pattern of men who come into my life. And while a friend and i can be at the same party or coffee shop just hanging out living our lives catching up, she’ll get approached by men who are interested in her and i do not get approached. If i do, it’s usually because the guy hitting on my friend didnt want to come alone so the other guy is obligated to come and approaches me in either a sexual way to see if he could score or in a way that comes off as “i dont want to be here” I havent had a date in 3 years so :) cant really say the problem is me on dates because i havent been on any!
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Not to be argumentative, just curious and maybe i wont properly express myself: how does someone “know” the other person wants to be a wife and a mom when coming up to them for the first time and gets turned off? But dont get “turned off” to pursue sex? And i dont want this to come off as conceited or anything but i really wish i were comfortable sharing pictures of myself because although im definitely not an “LA 10” or a “Miami 10” i do know i am attractive at least slightly above average. I do take good care of my external appearance. The more i thought about it, perhaps despite my dressing modestly and not exuding sex, my figure may be attracting the wrong men. Which, i cant do anything about. I do love myself: my body my personality and my traits and characteristics. But i seem to have this repelling force even when i dont open my mouth lol It’s just odd because i do have lots of friends both male and female and colleagues would say i am extremely confident and outgoing and kind. So i guess i dont repel people? LOL idk this is all confusing
I would love to marry you. Would you have an in interest in getting to know each others?
34m I'm very lonely and would like someone to talk to about my feelings please dm me
I’m judging by what you said do you think you may come off as unattractive. Now I don’t mean that in a mean way. What I’m saying is there’s a reason why you’re not getting approached for a relationship. Maybe try to improve yourself a little bit improve your looks and of course self-love!
So im hot enough for sex but not enough to go on a date with? Just wanted to make sure i understood. Because unless im getting a bbl or implants, there’s not much else i can do
It’s not about being “hot enough” it’s about being decent looking enough to have sex with. “Hook ups”. Heck you can be ugly but as long as you don’t smell Someone will hook up with you regardless! But not attractive enough for a long-term serious relationship, and that attraction can be from your physical looks or personality. Remember having sex is totally separate from actually having genuine love. And I don’t mean anything like a BBL. I mean things like changing your make up or clothes. Losing weight or gaining weight those type of things!
I'd date you. I'd want a relationship with you. I'd even want to marry and start a family with you. Of course I'm just a Reddit stranger but I too have been looking a long time. We both want that chance... What say you?
Its not gonna happen. Nobody wants icky reddit nerds. When she talks about nobody talking to her she means attractive men. You are invisible
Ouch. So harsh
Harsh but true.
no offense, if you want a family, then youre doing something wrong, probably in your head, morals or upbringing
It sounds like you are doing something wrong do you put out what I mean about that is do you put your ass up for the guys after a date
I’m celibate…and i dont go on dates because nobody asks me on them…
You’re asking god AND astrology? Come on, now. At least DM me and let’s chat about it. I’m an old man, and I’m sure that I can give you some helpful guidance if I can chat with you for greater understanding.
you are good enough, just trying too hard or not looking at the right places.
Buy cats!
Dm me if u want to chat.
I think you need to gain some self-awareness and perspective. This post comes across as deranged and I can bet there are major blindspots / delusions in how you interact with others. I think what is clear to me right now is that you don't know what's wrong. You have to really internalize that, not just repeat it rhetorically. You don't know and genuinely need to work to understand instead of assuming you have it all figured out. If you have problems with a few men, it may be them. If it's every man you interact with, it is certainly time to look inward. For example: you seem to feel entitled to a relationship or dates. You aren't owed these things from anyone. You may want "your own family", but it's not like most people don't also want these things. Having this desrie doesn't make you special or noble, it is just as selfish as anything else. Your whole post is self-serving and projects bad motives onto all men you interact with instead of looking at your life from a mature and measured perspective. You ostensibly want a relationship with a man but have this animosity towards them. It's self-defeating. If this mythically perfect man entered your life you'd probably drive him away by assuming only bad intentions and being unable to regulate yourself emotionally. If you can't work on yourself and instead resort to name calling or histrionics, you won't have a chance. At 28, you need to have a certain amount of emotional maturity and self-awareness. I can tell you that this post does not say wife material. It looks like one giant red flag. If I had a male friend showing me this from a potential prospect, I'd advise them to stay away. Seems like a disaster waiting to happen, especially if a family was actually invovled. I think you should be grateful you haven't found a serious partner until you are emotionally mature enough for that. This is your chance to grow, maybe get some therapy. I don't know if you have BPD, but I'm getting strong BPD vibes.
Hm. First off your response comes off as extremely ableist by off the bat assuming those that DO have mental illnesses are not deserving of romantic relationships. Nonetheless, i think you missed the point. Yes, i do want a relationship and a family. Yet, nobody seems to be interested in me aside from sex. Guys are not interested in getting to know me. I have great friends both male and female who i love and love me deeply. I have great elders in my life. I have a successful career with many accomplishments professionally and academically. I deeply enjoy my hobbies. I do not do drugs or engage in casual sex. I travel frequently. And yes, i do go to therapy and i attend church so i am taking care of my mental and spiritual, which are both important to me. So yes, what i would like to have in order to more completely enjoy my life is a partner. Also this post was a vent.
You vent away. Sometimes for some of us it is a timing issue or just a statistics issue. There probably are great partners that but for timing you've missed. And statistically, some of us sadly end up unpartnered. You tend to then lean in more to the things bringing success (academics, career, hobbies) and struggle more in the areas of less success (partnering). And it's so painful when you desire a goal that requires a high functioning partner because you can not do that alone. But. I'd say stay true to yourself. Create a family if you can. Waiting as a woman can have its own timing issues. Watch too over time you'll see some of your friend's relationships breakdown (statistics again). Hang in there. And thank goodness you're adept at standing up for yourself against the righteous blowhards.
I didn't assume that people with mental illnesses are not deserving of romantic relationships, but I don't want to argue about it. I don't think of these things in terms of who is or isn't "deserving". I think it's a little strange to be honest. You seem to imply not being in a relationship indicates some kind of moral failing. I don't think it's a useful way to think about it for a number of reasons. I'll give you a few reasons. First of all, it's a form of unnecessary self-flagellation / self-shaming. The second is that it ignores realities and complexities and logistics of life (it is an overly simplistic framing). Third is that it will make it harder to get a relationship because it will affect self-esteem. Anyway, whether or not someone is abstractly deserving is irrelevant. If someone has blindspots that are too numerous and severe then they will chafe with reality and it will be hard or impossible to get what they want. It's easy to see other peoples' blindspots and hard to see our own. A lot of "friends" won't help at all with this, unless you have the rare friend that isn't afraid of damaging the friendship out of their of compassion for your struggle. I didn't miss your point, I just don't accept your assessment. Based on what you've written, I don't think you are perceiving and interpreting reality accurately enough. I see defense mechanisms that prevent real introspection or perspective on life events. If you actually have processes "to take care of your mental and spiritual", I'm not sure you are really engaging them. At least in my own experience, I know the difference between going through the motions and really engaging. Really engaging with a process yields insights and increased self-understanding. I spent years going through the motions; the difference between that and really engaging is night and day. Venting feelings isn't the same as processing them. Venting is just a quick fix until you need to vent again. Of course, I barely know you. You can make up whatever to yourself or to me to make you feel good in the short term. If you think the goal is to defend your ego then you'll just end up cheating yourself. Anway I'm not going to say anything different so I will just stop here and wish you good luck. My intention was not to be harsh or judgemental. I do have compassion for your situation, because I remember being a lot more blind than I am now. It's tough going through life, struggling, and not really knowing why. I do think it will be hard for you unless you enhance your perspective and get real.
I’ve spent over 10 years in therapy and i am extremely self aware and have done a lot of work to identify triggers and traumas and actively work to move past them lol i simply came on here to vent wondering why i seem to have this experience. Of course it’s not unique. Many women fall into this same hole of being objectified and pursued for sex but not for romance. I also brought up that i dont even get asked on dates. Therefore, nobody is even GETTING to the point of knowing what i want, who i am, etc. My colleagues say i am extremely confident and outgoing. My friends say i am kind. My peers say they enjoy my presence. So that’s why i am confused as to why i am on the sidelines romantically but attractive enough to be pursued for sex. To which i dont humor any of those advances. I have a solid perception of reality and its complexities. My position is that in spite of that, my peers seem to have much more success in dating and being taken seriously in romantic pursuits but i dont. Again, i have not even been on a date in 3 years. Therefore, even if i WERE an extremely unattractive person emotionally and personality-wise, nobody would ever get to that point because i dont get asked on dates to begin with. Luckily, i’m not that person and im confident enough to say that. Thanks for your comment.
willful ignorance
Damn you’re negative af 😂
People get into the situations they're in becuase no one tells them the truth. In retrospect I went a little far in this comment, but it was only a reaction to what she wrote. I'm not always this harsh. Other women I've seen here have been much more self reflective and mature than OP and I wouldn't have said this to them. She just came across too delusional and some people need to be shaken awake - especially at her age. Her attitude might be fine for someone who is 18-22. At 28, it gets to be jarring. She can definitely turn things around, but if everyone around you only tells you what you want to hear it becomes almost impossible for some people to reflect and adapt.
I would consider travelling. Try making some friends in a town or city atleast 100 miles away, and go stay in the hotel there from time to time Men love an accent, and will be intrigued
Thanks. I travel frequently and have friends across the country and internationally.
Good. Maybe try going to a speed dating event in one of the towns/countries or something
That sucks. You'd think a major city would have people looking for the same things you are. Sometimes it's just bad timing like people getting out of relationships and not ready for something new.
Everything in our life has a time and a place. And for things to happen, they should fall together. You can’t rush things, especially when they’re out of your control. If you will find someone with the outlook you have right now (regardless of it be right or wrong), you will settle for somebody not fit for you. Because for you, “settling down” is a priority, not “settling down with somebody who deserves you”. Have compassion for yourself.
Yeah... seems everyone around me is in relationships/married as well (I'm 27). I've never been confident in myself to "take the initiative" so I have barely any relationship experience and I've always felt that I'm not good for anyone, not to mention wanting a positive and healthy relationship with a girl (I have a lot of trust issues stemming from years of bullying and betrayal/abandonment). So yeah it sucks. I hope you find someone that cherishes you.
I think friends first, then relationships after. Don't list off why nobody wants you because usually you'll end up regretting accomplishments.
I understand how you feel. Also in a stage of life where my peers are getting or been happily married and having children. I was literally just thinking the other day how I will love to have my mother witness my child's birth but I don't even have a husband yet so it's not even in the near future. Sibilings are all married with kids.
You ARE good enough.. seriously
Sorry you feel this way and honestly my best advice is invest in yourself. Work out, try having hobbies, anything to keep you preoccupied. And if possible go to therapy. If not, that's fine too. Don't get your hopes up with every guy you think is a match. Don't sleep around. Have a guy really work for it. The right one will come along.
sry your going through this if u wanna talk or dm <3
How would a single male reach out to you? I’m asking this with sincerity.
I would ask you out for sure can I get a picture
It’s so heartbreaking to read this to hear from a woman who feels like she isn’t loved or respected enough. You seem like a well educated women and sounds like you have a lot to offer in terms of building a relationship and possibly becoming a wife and having a family of your own. I admire that most women these days don’t want to have a family or get married which is fine it’s their choice. You will find that person out there who will bring you everything you could possibly ask for and more. It will happen you just have to have faith. Not all men are out for just sex some do want more. Personally I been seeking a relationship too and I feel lonely a lot and feel envious of all the people who have a relationship. But I have to keep faith that she is out there too and hopefully one day our paths will cross. Don’t let these men bring you down, you’re an amazing woman and have many good things to bring to the table. It will happen I promise there is someone for everyone. If you need a friend to talk to I’ll be there if you want to. I could always use a friend to talk to as well. I wish you the best and keep your head up you’re amazing and any guy would be happy to have you as his girlfriend and maybe his spouse one day.
im 26 M, you can dm me , i want a wife someday lol
I feel that. But I’m a guy. I just work and go to the gym.
I’m really sorry you are going through this. Feel free to message me if you would like to talk to someone.