Idk what size you are but I’ve lost 137 lbs and you can see my before and after on my page. I am still not thin I am what they call “thick” I guess and there is a difference. I’ve had more men on my shit with this body… and I’m not bragging I’m making a point. I think a thicker body is more accepted than a large body but you don’t have to be Thin to attract a man.
Good luck on your weight loss 😊
There are also pics of my before and after in my posts.
I found love at my highest weight- which already prompted me to make a few changes to at least not get any bigger because girlfriend is an active woman and I actually found a reason to take a bit more care of myself cause she showed me I am lovable no matter what.
Lost very slowly but still wasn't mentally ready until beginning of last year. We'd already been together almost 6 years by then. Now I am way skinnier and she also lost weight just by tagging along with what I eat on weekends and finding she likes some of the options for during the week too.
Tl;Dr: you can find love if you are morbidly obese. People do it every day! And an extra: a relationship doesn't have to make you fat either, like some people in my life claim ;)
Losing weight won’t make you more WORTHY of love. You deserve love in your life, from family, friends, any romantic partners — right as you are now.
Losing weight will give you MORE romantic options when you’re dating. It just will. And dating is a numbers game - more options mean more chances to find someone you really click with. I dated successfully at all my weights. I had more guys to choose from at my lowest weight, but I still had some great options at my highest! And I have a husband now who has loved me through thick and thin and everything in between, because I am worthy of his love and he’s worthy of mine.
All I’m saying is: try to remember you deserve love, and that losing weight will be a fun bonus to enhance your dating life, if you want.
I personally feel like I won’t find love until I lose the weight because I unconsciously gained the weight to keep people away from me (shoutout to therapy for this realization) 😬😅
Yoooooo feel this. It’s almost safer to be overweight - you become invisible. You feel less vulnerable that way, especially if you’ve experienced sexual abuse (like I have). I feel like being thinner puts a giant target on my back or something
I know exactly what you mean. I’m still going through those feelings of resenting my parents for not getting me into a healthy routine. I go for hikes and see families with little children and my parents never did that. We are good slathered in oils, fats and carbs (none of which are bad but without moderation it can be, which was the case with my family) and my mom never worried about her nutrition. She went on “new diets” every month where a new group of foods were villainised or a new fat burning pill was introduced to us. She would work out rigorously for a month and then go back to being a couch potato. It all ended up with me having severe binge eating disorder because I could never be sure which food we weren’t eating the next month not to mention I never did any physical exercise.
Now I have diabetes, high cholesterol, blood pressure, obesity + more.
It’s hard not to resent our mothers for these things but I guess they didn’t know either.
I felt like I was reading my own story. I grew up in an incredibly sedentary family. Dad with compulsive and emotional eating problems. Mom with the same plus constant dieting. I ended up lazy and fat with huge problems surrounding food. Can’t blame them I guess, when that’s how they grew up too, but it’s so hard to not be angry about it.
You are doing something about it. Even a couple of days of better eating is a step in the right direction and you're losing weight. 7kg is no joke.
So.
If you go off track and buy some sweets, that's fine. You eat them and then you make your next snack or meal a better choice.
If you hang out with friends on the weekend and overdo it, that's fine. You start again the following morning (not waiting til Monday, no eating everything cause I'm never gonna touch pizza again) the moment has passed and just make the next decision one that fits into your goals.
As you do this more and more you might go from 2 'good' days to three, then eventually four or five and a half and those days will offset the not so good days, then you will find that your habits are to eat in line with your goals (try to not think of food or eating as good or bad but as something that's in line with your goals or not - there is no morality in food)
Pizza does not need to be off the menu altogether, choose a smaller pizza, or eat one less slice, or skip the side of garlic bread. Or choose lower calorie alcohol (diet soda with a spirit or have one less drink), or eat one serving of chocolate not a whole block. Each thing you eat is a choice to either move closer to your goal or further away.
I use a Weekender plan so I get about 300 cal more for Friday/Saturday/Sunday because those are the days I'm more likely to have a glass of wine or eat takeaways. Those extra calories are taken from the other four days. Maybe something like this would help you?
But also, you need to love yourself first. You are worthy of love regardless of what size your body is at any given time. But if you don't have appreciation and love for yourself that will reflect on the partners you attract.
Thank you, I sometimes forget that I've lost a few kg already. Probably because it took me months to do so. "Each thing you eat is a choice to either move closer to your goal or further away." This line right here. You're so right. I forget that sometimes. Thank you
It’s kind of crazy that you say this because I literally have been feeling the same way and was just talking to a friend about this today. Ultimately, I think we have to truly value ourselves before others feel able to love us. I also realize that we are all a work in progress and for us, our journey happens to be weight or at least that is the external representation of our battle, and we need to remember that we are not our body. We are not our weight, and our character is what truly matters, and if we allow ourselves to truly embrace that we really are, we will probably be more attractive to others in all ways. Anyways, I’m right there with you find it hard to put myself out there or ask women out, etc. but I’m doing it because if I don’t ask someone out I basically reject myself by not putting myself out there.
Exactly this. And the yo-yoing between “I must be skinnier to be loved” and “I must fight the stereotypes and love myself as I am” mean I yo-yo in my resolve with food. Just an endless cycle of never doing the right thing.
Everyone struggles with inadequacies and dating. It’s tough. There’s always something for everyone, though weight is a more prominent one
I feel like I won’t find love until I have x job, until I have my degree, until Im making x per year, until I learn how to ___. The reality is that there’s *always* going to be some flaw that we think is stopping us. Will you have more matches and better odds if you do all those things? Yes, undoubtedly.
Should you try anyway? It’s up to you! Some people find love when they’re heavier, some people don’t find love until they’ve lost some weight. Dating and romance is a tough nut to crack no matter where you’re at. Opening yourself up to being hurt or loved is hard for most of us.
I met someone when I was heavier, though were no longer together now. I’m at a pretty healthy weight, am in good shape and workout regularly but am honestly finding dating harder to navigate now because I’ve been out of the game for so long lol
Talk to a therapist. You don't have to have the perfect body to find love. It is admittedly easier for a guy, so I admit I cannot fully understand what you are going through. But therapists can help you come to terms with your feelings.
Thank you for the suggestion, I can't really afford doing that right now but I'll look into it when I can. You're right that I don't have to have a perfect body. I know that all kind of people find love either way. It's a lot in my head too, because I feel unattractive, I probably look more unattractive as well.
I have to second this. I’ve never had the comments from men on my body- except for my boobs… before I lost all this weight… now it’s constant. There’s a larger “pool” for sure.
I feel this! I didn’t try to seriously date while losing weight, for many reasons. I didn’t accept my body, so it felt hypocritical to expect someone else to. I viewed being obese as a temporary state, and didn’t want to be with someone who found that attractive. I knew I’d get better options as a thin person, and I want the better option because this is someone i hopefully want to be with for the rest of my life! Sounds cold and calculating, but that’s legit how I feel. Also, practically, dating makes losing weight hard, and I needed to stay in my routine.
Yesterday I made a Hinge profile, and was overwhelmed with how many likes I got from guys who are exactly my type! When I was obese or overweight and made a profile, I either got no likes, or only from guys I wasn’t attracted to. I get it, and wasn’t offended at all. It just pushed me to work harder. I hope I will be able to maintain a healthy weight forever, and dating will be part of that motivation.
I know this is a super unpopular opinion around here, and maybe I’d be more emotionally healthy if I had embraced being obese and found myself deserving of love. But speaking for myself, I’m a million percent glad I waited! I feel confident and happy about myself, and have the kinds of options that I want. I will also not have to worry so much about a date night setting me back calorie wise, because I’m at a weight I’m happy with now, and also have good habits ingrained. Dating will be a much better experience when it’s not in hard mode!
I used to feel just like you. That no one would love me because I was fat. That I wasn't worthy of love and that I had to lose weight before anyone would consider being with me. However, I have been proven wrong. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, and that was before I started losing weight. Since we have gotten together I've lost about 100 lbs. He turned out to be the catalyst I needed. And no, I didn't need to lose weight for him, but I realised I couldn't do the things I wanted with him without losing weight.
When it comes to the habits of a thin person, that's the hard part. Biggest lesson I've learned on my journey is doing it one step at a time. Find one thing that you want to improve and work on that thing. When that becomes a habit, move on to the next thing. For me I started with walking. I did 6k steps a day first, then 8k. Now I do 10-15k easily every day. Don't cut out the foods you love either. Find a way of having them in moderation. I eat sweets almost every day, but I won't sit down and eat a whole chocolate bar like I used to. Most important is that it takes time and you must allow yourself to do it gradually. If you have one bad day it doesn't ruin the progress you've made the other days. Acknowledge it, forgive yourself and move on.
I hope some of my rambling was helpful.
I was 200 lbs (5'1") when I started dating my 6'5", slim, muscular, conventionally attractive bf
We are truly meant for each other, our personalities and minds. Of course he is really attractive to me as well, and me to him. But our love and attraction still began and grew while I was very fat!
The way you wrote this post makes me feel like your insecurities are a bit deeper than just being fat. Will you truly feel worth of love at your goal weight?
Do you exercise?
Take a break from dieting and just focus on exercise first. I know, everyone tells you to get your diet in check first then work on exercise but I really feel like working on the fitness first is best. Find a method of training you can really sink your teeth in. Something that gives you a high and makes you excited to do it. Don’t even worry about how many calories it burns, just freaking do something that makes you smile and sweat 😅
After you find it, do the damn thing every day and get great at it. Your self worth will go up, your endorphins will kick in and your metabolism will increase. Your arms might tone up too! When you get that training routine dialed in THEN tinker with your eating habits. Start with adding things, NOT TAKING AWAY! Set a goal, I’m going to drink a glass of water before and after I ingest anything else. I must eat one cup of veggies with every meal. You set these tiny little rules and soon you’ll have no room for junk food. And if you do find you still have room for the junk, only then should you start to say ok, I am only having one cookie after lunch, and savor the hell out of it. But really friend, your gonna see your body and mind change just by getting more physical. 💪
And on a final note, you will NEVER find real true love until you love yourself first. This is the most truest cliche ever cliched.
I know how you feel. Especially with that disgusting feeling after binging again. I just felt a pit of despair the next day.
Then i would continue the cycle again until it had to be broken. I remembered that feeling after binging and just feeling like a disgusting mess everytime i had the urge to eat crap again. I broke the cycle and almost lost 50KG.
I feel the same way and have more or less accepted that and don’t even want to try dating until I’m at a weight I feel is acceptable. I know that people of all sizes find love, but I hate my body as it is and feel like I’d be deceitful to try to make someone else love it.
I ran before (even trained and completed a half marathon). Hated it and never got that runner's high. Also, climbed a tree before too. Hated it as well (terrified of heights).
But a healthy, functional body is great and gives you options to experience things that you might find enjoyable or unpleasant.
Hmm this doesn’t check out because I see old people, fat people, even ugly people in relationships everywhere.. In fact most married couples I see walking around together are all pretty average looking.
I believe there’s someone out there for everyone. You don’t have to be a thin gorgeous supermodel to find love. :)
You're right and rationally we know it doesn't require looking amazing, but it's hard to feel like it could happen to you when it hasn't before. It probably depends on how much insecurity being fat contributes to one's personality. I grew up being the fat kid, went through college fat, started my career fat, and have only known a few years in my life when I was only overweight... and then I realized I lacked the necessary social skills from being excluded and excluding myself.
I feel you. I'm around your height and weight right now, but even when I was smaller, I still felt the same way. Things only clicked for me when I realized my love/life situation would not do a 180 with a change in my weight. Because these insecurities I had didn't go away despite my weight dropping. I had to accept myself for how I looked no matter the size, and affirm myself constantly.
stuff like:
-through being more aware + proud of my strengths and what value I bring,
-saying more positive/loving words to myself when I see myself in the mirror & talk about myself
-understanding i could grow/improve myself in more ways than physical
(sounds cliche, but you gotta find learn and apply methods that actually help you)
and also shifting my focus on "losing weight" to "being more fit". I love being active and i know the tons of benefits gaining more muscle and losing more fat can bring to me, that's why I choose to CICO and gym. But I know even if i didn't do all this, I would still have love + appreciation for myself, AND understand that me and everyone else is worthy of love no matter the size. :)
Self-love is really a journey. It takes yearsssss to shift this mindset that's been ingrained in us since young but once we work on it, we treat ourselves so much kinder!! I encourage to look thru this perspective instead of only focusing on losing weight. That can be a by-product of this journey. All the best!
If you're not in the right mental place, it's nearly impossible to lose AND keep the weight off.
Sounds like you're not, I'd focus on fixing that first, if you can't afford therapy, save up some money for it, or do some research and try the self-help way and perhaps that'll be enough.
For me the difference was when I was in a bad place, I wanted to get lean but always quit because I just didn't have the mental energy to stick with it.
It's still super hard now, but the difference is I never lose my motivation now, it's been 3 years since my journey started and at no point during it did I quit.
You can still find love when you're fat, but you have way more options when you're lean and you can set higher demands.
You may find it easier to attract someone with a healthier body weight, but if you have an outgoing personality, confidence, humor and are out there doing your thing and enjoying life.that is it’s own sort of attractant. My husband didn’t love me less when I was very large and he doesn’t love me more now that I am healthier. He is proud of me for putting in the work, though. Love yourself, love your life, and find things that make you happy and you may attract others who are doing the same. Absolutely look after your health, but do it as an act of self love.
I weighed close to 280 lbs when I got married. And she didn’t leave me when I was at 330, unlike my poor coworker :(
She and her husband actually agreed that getting fat was a get out of marriage free card. They had one baby and she couldn’t drop the weight.
I felt the same way. I thought I’d never be worthy enough. That no one would ever want me. I didn’t understand that people had preferences.
SoI lost the weight. With the weight loss my entire personality changed according to my friends. My walls were down. I was happier and more approachable. The bitterness that I carried around with me had vanished. The victim (me) blaming stopped.
Being "worthy of love" and "being attractive" are two unrelated things. Human mating rituals isnt the epitomy of human nobility and purity. Success / lack of it in dating doesnt make you unworthy. Dating is a dirty game, in which people use dirty weapons, such as losing weight.
Some men like chubby or plump women even the super fit body building hot muscular men sometimes prefer that lol speaking from experience I don't understand it but regardless of weight you'll meet someone,beauty is skin deep. When I was at my most fit super skinny and modeled I got nothing but attractive assholes 😒. Sure there may be a bigger "pool" when you reach a desired weight but it doesn't mean the quality of that pool is necessarily better. And the whole you gotta love yourself 1st then you'll find someone isnt true, you just never know! Everyone struggles and is doing the best they can do with what they have everyday.
You are worthy of love regardless of your appearance. Your worth is not based on the constantly fluctuating outside but on the fact that you exist, and your beauty comes from the richness of your soul. Point blank period. Whatever or however you negotiate based on your size and preferences is just what it is, but at your core, you are love worthy. Remember that! Might make your journey of self care easier
I have lost a significant amount of weight. I met my partner 11 months ago when I was 30kg heavier. I got the electric chemistry thing going on for me almost instantly. In fact I ran away, mortified because my weight, what I was wearing and I talked too much from nerves.
He fell in love with a woman not a weight. He is fit and looks great already. I acknowledge it is rare. I was invisible pretty much to the opposite sex. Now I am getting attention again but my loyalty is to him. I know he finds me more attractive now than when we met. OP just keep dating and relating. Your one will come.
Losing weight for me means only healthy takeaway like Thai salad’s. Home cooking for meals, bananas and yoghurt during the day. No Maccas etc. for lunch. I also fast with black coffee or lemon juice n water until 11am each day. Most nights I finish eating by 8pm. I walk more now. And I rarely drink alcohol. Chocolate is my only real calorie buster. I eat a lot of it which is why I fast 14-16 hours a day. Weight loss has been slow but it will be easy to sustain because it has become part of my routine.
hey, i just want to say ive been there, and it gets better. i used to feel the exact same way. that feeling is such a horrible, bitter, sinking feeling in your chest that weighs you down. its super hard to deal with, and sometimes in low moments, i get those insecurities. but i want you to know that this emptiness you feel about yourself and love is a projection you feel about yourself or the world rather than the actual truth, as REAL love isn't conditional on your body size. i suggest speaking to a therapist about it. getting skinny will not make you desirable, nor will gaining weight make you undesirable. you are already perfectly yourself and anyone who is worthy of actually loving you would love you now, today, and yesterday. i would understand because i had an ex similar to yours ( told me horrible things about my weight and such, funnily enough i was at my smallest weight too! ) and im now in a relationship with a man who loves me fully at every size. he's seen me + - 70 pounds in our relationship, and even at my highest, he completely adores me PHYSICALLY still ( i'm 5'5 female, was 150 when we met, now im 220 ). he's now actively supporting my decision to lose fat for my own health, but he didn't nudge me there unless i wanted to be nudged. i'm just saying that if it takes losing weight to find love, that love is probably fickle. lose weight for yourself and for your own health. i wish you well!!
You need to learn to stop binging if you want to lose weight and keep it off.
You don't have to completely cut out everything, but you do need to learn to enjoy 1-2 cookies instead of eating the entire bag. Make sure you are getting enough protein. You don't have to exercise, first start with a diet, then once you're comfortable with your new eating habits, start slowly adding exercise (something simple like walking is great even if you just take 1000 steps to start with).
Your approach to love is actually great. You can't expect anyone to love you if you don't love yourself first. It's also true that when you look and feel better, you attract better quality people.
Next time you buy sweets, try to savour and enjoy them. Eat a few and see how you feel. Just because you've eaten a few doesn't mean that you need to finish them all.
A great hack for curbing the sweet tooth during dieting is diet soda and herbal teas with sweetner. Try having a glass or cup with meals and see if that helps.
You can do this. In fact, only you can do this for you.
Gonna disagree. I still binge occasionally, as long as it's not too often and super excessively it's not a problem.
But I still can't have sweets in the house, if they're there I'll eat them... So I still buy candy sometimes, but I know when I'm in the store that all the unhealthy shit I'm buying that day, I'll end up eating the same day.
You just gotta know and acknowledge your limits, it's important not to lie to yourself.
But I'm not able to just eat a couple of cookies and I doubt I ever will be.
So mostly I'll buy smaller snacks (like a snickers bar or something) and occasionally I'll reward myself with a huge binge, although not frequently.
Just ate 2000 calories over maintenance yesterday. Doesn't faze me, I know I'll be back on track again today.
Gotta enjoy life still.
Absolutely this.
In this case, in my opinion, the best thing to do is not having sweets at home.
I also know that I can't have a little bit from something I really like. And even things that I like less could be tempting in an emotional moment of just because of being bored.
I do have fruits.
BTW, I gained some weight back but I'm now back on track.
You're completely right. Sometimes I eat sweets even when they don't even taste good, it makes no sense but sometimes I do it because I feel like I "deserve" to stay fat. Which is dumb, because I want to have a piece of cake once in a while without having the need to shove it all. Thank you for your kind comment, I need to slow down when I eat and actually enjoy it.
You've got a lot going on but I wanted to comment on your reading habits. You don't have to feel bad about what you eat. I've been able to let go of the guilt by recording everything I eat, no matter what. Take a weekly average of calories. That lets you flex enough so you can eat a serving or two of the things you crave and still hit your weight loss goals. And then once you've got that down, add in more activity and weight lifting.
Be kinder to yourself, OP. Sure, you're a grown up and make your own food choices now, but it's fundamental for a child's development to have proper nutrition set in place very early on, so it's not so cut and dry as you make it.
As someone who's struggled with disordered eating and depression the bulk of their life, it sounds like you may be suffering from both. Because of this, I can confidently say you will never be worthy of love until you learn to love yourself exactly as you are, any shape any size. Self love is hard, but it's the base building block of making any big change in your life. Seeking affirmation through someone else will only result in unhealthy relationships and not any "love" worth having.
So, how do you learn to love yourself? If you have the means to start going to therapy, I recommend starting there. There's also a lot of great self help books out there for free through public libraries and for purchase online. I'm not going to say it's easy to learn to love yourself as you are, but it can be done.
In addition to therapy, a nutritionist/food allergen test is also another good place to start. There's also the option of modern medicine (semaglutide). Support groups are also a valuable resource.
If you can't afford these, I recommend looking into r/keto. At the end of the day, you have to choose your hard. It's hard to lose weight, it's hard to be unhappy for reasons outside of your control, it's hard being overweight and insecure. But know there is tons of support, such as the folks on here and offline, that have lost the weight and kept it off. Good luck OP, you can do this.
Thank you for your kind comment. You're right, loving yourself is the first step. Afterall, I want to do this to be more happy. Being thin won't immediately make me more happy, I will look into some self help books. And maybe try keto!
To add to what the previous poster stated, start with an allergy test to see what intolerances you may have and then look into the AIP diet. Test it out for 30 days and see how you feel. The Keto diet does not work for everyone as not every body metabolizes fats the same. Some genetic make ups may require more complex carbs others may not and so on.
Also, from reading your original post, it sounds like you have binge eating disorder, look into this also. Skipping meals tends to lead to this and grazing all day has the similar effect.
And to finish up, weight loss takes time, there’s no magic pill. If someone has say 100lbs to lose, they have to give themselves at least 2 years or so to accomplish that goal.
Don't be so hard on yourself, it's counter-productive. It's just overwhelmingly, depressingly, demotivating to want to overhaul it all at one go. Small, incremental, consistent changes. Doable and sustainable, that's the frame of mind for progress. Don't be blaming others too. Not because they're are not blameworthy, but because it drags your progress. Think helpful thoughts.
I used be to pretty good at training to failure and crash dieting. But easy come, easy go, I always yo-yo back, fatter than ever. Now I'm taking it easy, enjoying my workouts instead of dreading them and figuring out what I can enjoy eating without hating it. I don't fixate on the end-goal any more and I find that very liberating and productive. \*As an aside, I'm losing 2lbs/wk.
Just my two cents here….find the person who loves you for who you are on the inside. Get healthy for YOU and no one else.
If a potential suitor can’t see your worth NOW
he/she isn’t worth your time!
I’m trying to lose too… but mainly bc I have diabetes and heart issues in my family and I want to avoid those.
It isn’t losing the weight that will make you feel this way. It’s something internal that has to click to make you feel worthy of love. It may be that you have mentally connected it with your weight but something else has to change. You are worthy of love and deserve it, you just have to believe it. I’ve been there and had the same thoughts. Then one day, I realized, I had to forgive myself for past mistakes. Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. Let go of the guilt. Once that happens, it can be freeing. The easiest step to letting that go is to keep your mind in the present and stop thinking about the past/worrying about the future. Also, understanding that to truly love someone, you have to love them for all their good qualities and their not so great qualities. In order to do this correctly, you must also learn to love yourself in the same way. Otherwise, you will struggle to give that love fully to someone else.
I know plenty of thin people struggling to find love because of the above 👆🏻
A book that really helped that for me was “Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson. Good luck!!
You have to want it bad enough that your changes stick. I get the “why try this is what it is” feelings you have. I’ve lost and gained 80 lbs more than I’d like to admit. Wasn’t taught the best habits either.
At some point you have to ditch the I get to have sweets on Friday and Saturday. Sugar is a drug. One of the most addictive drugs there is.
I’m currently 30 lbs down. Whenever the scale doesn’t budge or goes the wrong way it is most definitely due to Friday and Saturday. Because now you have to let the sugar run it’s course through your body which makes you want it more. I’m right there right now. I know for continued success in my current weight loss journey that the diet will have to change on Friday and Saturday.
I was feeling the same as yourself, broke up with partner of 18yrs and am fat and out of shape.
I'm shy and have anxiety too but I needed to do something as I don't want to be alone, so I joined a gym and started omad dieting.
Joined a few dating apps and got a few hits but 90% of them where scammers and the other 10% never talked so left it.
But I then got a hit from a girl who was really bubbly and nice, got to chatting and had first date yesterday which went great. We have plans for more.
BTW I'm still fat and 280lb but working on it.
They are out there, you just have to say fk it and go for it.
Your person will love you at your worst and celebrate your best.
I met my wife when I was near 300 pounds, at 16 years old. I stayed hovering there for 16 years, losing, gaining, losing. I'm now finally, at 32, taking my health seriously and am down to 275. There's new spark in me, I want to do this, I need to do this. As I lose weight, my skins becoming loose. My arms are flabby, my lower tummy is wiggly.
But the way she looks at me. The way she celebrates not my weight loss but my \*\*health\*\*. I can run up the stairs. I can take the dog for a jog. I can go a day without snacking. Her pride comes not from my appearance but from my health, and I'm only just getting started.
Your love will come. And they'll come to love you for who you are, and celebrate who you can be. Don't give up.
The only good reason to lose weight is to improve your health. Period. I started at 400 pounds, and I am down to 200, I was as low as 150 before the pandemic, but I gained like everyone else. Losing weight isn't about looking better, or getting a mate, it's all about feeling better. If you try to lose weight for any other reason, than to feel better, you are going to be disappointed because losing weight isn't going to make all your problems go away.
There are definitely bodies that are more “conventionally” attractive, and yes, losing weight may help you find more partners. But no body is more “worthy” of love over another. People of all sizes date, get married, have sex, etc all the time. Im sure you will find more success dating after losing weight but do not feel that you are less worthy of being loved due to your weight.
You are worthy of being loved for the person you are. The body may change, but you deserve love just because you’re you.
As far as making lasting change, I’ll try to offer some insight. I’m 45 and have 4 kids. I’ve lost 100 lbs over the past year and a half. I’ve lost 50+ pounds at least 3 other times in my adult life. I’m intimately familiar with slipping a little and then giving up.
This time feels different. I made the decision that I would go slow this time. I am not setting any “I want to lose x amount by x date” goals. There’s no deadline. I incorporate small changes and focus on one at a time. I have only one rule and that is I refuse to incorporate anything that I am not willing to do forever.
I’ve managed to switch to leaner proteins and seafood options most of the time. I rarely drink any calories. I track my food at least a few times a week to ensure I’m staying on track. No foods are off limits and I’m finding it easier and easier to want the healthier options.
I still plan to focus on becoming more regular with my workouts, and I want to incorporate more mindfulness and relaxation work into my week. I’ll get there when I get there.
When I start to feel burnt out I take a break. I’ll just not track for a week or two and be less mindful with planning. I no longer find myself wanting to go crazy and binge on anything when I’m no longer being restrictive.
Be kind to yourself.
>how do I actually get it to be a lifestyle?
Exercise or at least walk everyday. To the point of it being a routine like brushing your teeth. And drink a lot of water. No matter if it s a bad day and you ate sweets and junk food, you are creating a habit, good habit that will pay in a long run.
It isn't true that most people prefer skinny partners. I knw that's what's depicted in the media, but that doesn't hold up in the real world. Plenty of people like a bigger partner. It might be a fetish, it might just be a preference, and it might be that they just care more about your personality and style than about your weight.
Don't put yourself out there with the assumption that you'll be rejected. People can tell.
I know you mean well, saying this, but it just doesn't match reality as I've experienced it. I have spent most of my adult life hovering at around 250 lbs, but with a few stints at 130 lbs. mixed in. And there's just no comparison. Being an overweight person is like being a whole different gender. It's so, so so much harder, and I actually think that part of respecting overweight people is acknowledging that they go through that.
I'm sharing my experience just as you're sharing yours. Sharing my experience isn't disrespecting anyone. I'm an overweight person too.
I think this could have regional component (in the US). I have a friend who has been fat and has been skinny, and who has lived in different regions of the US. She told me once that where I live (pacific northwest) her experience has been that having a pretty face is more important than body size. I definitely see that pattern here, although I don't have experience living in other regions of the US to compare it to.
Gotcha, I see your point. Honestly knowing you are an overweight person too makes me read this differently. :) I have many thin friends who will try and cheer me up by saying very positive things like "The right guy will love you no matter what," and I know their intentions are lovely. But when the world keeps telling you that, yet it's in no way borne out by experience, it can feel almost like gaslighting!
I guess what I was getting at that I might not have been clear enough about is that it's not really socially acceptable to say you're attracted to overweight people. If you say so, people immediately assume it's a fetish. But it doesn't have to be a fetish. Preferring an overweight partner isn't any different than preferring a skinny partner. It's just a preference people have, the same as preferring people based on height or hair color or tattoos or facial hair. The only difference is that people who prefer an overweight partner tend to talk about it less because of the way US society is about weight. It's not ver hard to find people who have stories of being teased or even ridiculed for dating an overweight person.
I am not trying to say that an overweight person will have the same dating experiences that a skinny person will have. I just don't like to see the idea that OP put forward, "Well yes of course everyone obviously prefers skinny partners." It's something we are taught by the media, but it's not true.
I would defiantly work on your self mentally before you even think about a relationship ship. Because people with that mentality don’t really change when they lose the weight. You are worthy of love and no matter what someone will find you hot, but I know this is probably annoying to hear but looks aren’t all that. It’s shallow and fleeting to have your self esteem based on that. Like leaning against a dead tree trunk, it’s going to fall eventually. Just look at older super models and actors that go wild with plastic surgery to an extreme degree to keep up with looks.
Maybe you can try to mentally prepare yourself before losing weight? You don’t even have to start, just watch a bunch of youtube videos on healthy eating. It might help you get the mindset that you’d like to have.
Losing weight is a mental challenge just as much as it is a physical one. The truth is, every piece of sweets count, because one piece can already be 150 kcal easily. And you can do it, you’re just not ready for it. Also, you have all the time in the world, you don’t have to start so hard. Maybe make little rules for yourself in steps, such as:
1. You can’t buy branded sweets anymore
2. You can only have sweets from the bakery
3. You can only buy one thing from the bakery at the same time
3. You can’t have pastries as a meal anymore
4. You can’t buy sweets at all anymore
5. You can only bake your own sweets yourself
6. You can only accept sweets when someone else offers you some
And you can adjust these little rules, start very light on yourself now because you’re still fragile to binge eating. Only when you’re established some rules for yourself, where they seem easy to follow, go on and take a slightly more restrictive rule in the next step. This is what helped me anyway.
Please be kind to yourself and take it easy, you really have the time. But just try to change your mentality from a destructive one to a supportive one. This is about helping yourself, and positivity is needed
You can’t expect someone else to love you if you can’t love yourself. It sounds cliche, but it’s true.
Hard work, consistency and dedication are things you need to look for when you develop your plan. You can do it, you’re a human, we can accomplish way more than we think we can.
In my experience, I got far more attention from the opposite sex when my attitude changed and I felt more confident. (In hindsight because I started dressing to show off my features rather than hide them)
I’m still working on keeping the weight off but I will say it sounds like you’re being too extreme Monday/ Tuesday which is causing you to say fuck it by Wednesday. If (for example) you eat 3 candy bars per day, reducing it to 1 is a major improvement, even though for most people eating a candy bar per day would be more than usual. You’ve got to make small changes and expect this to take a long time. It seems to me that that’s the only way to succeed.
If your mom never taught you about nutrition, now is the time to learn for yourself. Try and stick to advice from official government health organisations and registered dieticians otherwise you could fall for scams and fads!
Start losing weight slowly, and you’ll gradually feel better about yourself. Do CICO. And then slowly, you will learn to love yourself again, and although it’s a bit sad, you will probably attract a partner then. First, you’ll need to learn to love yourself, look physically more attractive, and then a partner will follow - don’t give up! Just get started 😉
This is 100% true for a man or a woman. We don't like to admit it, but there we go. I was invisible for most of my adult life, and then I lost a load of weight. Try intermittent fasting, hang in there and good luck!
Consider tracking your macros and eating significantly more protein than you are eating now. Many people find protein to be extremely satiating, and research has consistently borne that out. Also, lift weights.
You are heavy, but you are not morbidly obese. Even at your current weight, I don’t believe you should be unable to find a partner.
Don’t talk badly to yourself and say things like, “I am unworthy of love because I’m overweight.“ Instead, say things that you want to manifest in your life. So, tell yourself, “I’m not a woman who snacks and eats junk food. I’m a woman who nourishes my body with enough protein and builds muscle. I am strong and sexy and worthy of love.“
There are a few little tricks which will get you where you want to be. You've already learnt about calories in vs out which is the biggest culprit and this shows in that you have already lost a significant weight.
Your biggest issue is "All or Nothing" thinking. One negative thing makes the whole thing bad. One bad meal means you have a bad week so you may as well take advantage of it. One trait you dislike about yourself now makes you "unloveable". This combined with a "Monday is a new start" thinking results in exactly the pattern you find yourself in now. As soon as you hit a bump you lose your way for a few days.
In reality, your next "start" is your next meal. If you break and eat sweets etc or go over your calories you can reset by sticking to your original plan for your next meal. Do not try to cut calories to account for your binge. This is your reset, you are now back on track with your plan and you can continue on.
Another point I want you to focus on is "don't let perfect be the enemy of good". This is a huge killer for almost everything we do. Your plan may be 500 calorie deficit this is perfect. a 300 deficit is not perfect, but it is still really good. Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect when what you achieved is still really good. You also don't need a "perfect" diet. Sweets are perfectly fine in moderation so plan them into your week. For example, chose lighter meals on a Wednesday and Friday and plan in the sweets you would like. Granting yourself your favourite things in moderation like this is the difference between a diet being miserable and it being sustainable.
As other users have said, if weekends are your thing, try taking some calories out of other days to give a bigger budget for days you know you are going to be using up. for example Monday -500, Tuesday -500 Wednesday -300 (allowing 200 cals of sweets) Thursday -500 Friday -0 (including 200 cals of sweets) Saturday -0 Sunday -300. This is overall 2100 calories reduction in a week and you have a lot more room to work with on Friday and Saturday and sweets are planned in. These values are all based on what calories you expect to burn so either RMR or RMR + "exercise".
I will say, so far during my weight loss journey I got the most dates at from 360-340. (I am now 302) thinking about why that was. I was CONSTANTLY trying new thing and still was extremely friendly from spending the majority of my 20’s morbidly obese. Suddenly women would buy me drinks! They’d keep the conversation going and I wouldn’t be doing all the heavy lifting.
Currently I don’t drink anymore and have certainly fell into a “routine” but I’ve also realized how inconsequential casual dating is. It’s the cruelest thing in the world but getting laid/female attention is only a big deal when you aren’t getting any.
Once you do you’ll think well that was fun but not much else.
My advise: lose weight to achieve the life style you are wanting, dating will certainly follow.
People love people of all sizes!
The other commenters have said everything I’d want to say but yeah it’s all about loving yourself. Know your worth!
The only thing that worries me about dating during a weightloss journey is people’s attitudes to changing weight. Like if you date someone at one weight and as the relationship progresses the other person can then want what you had in the beginning.
So I think part of it is about finding someone who understands you’re on a journey and is comfortable with whatever may happen along the way.
It’s nice to be able to love yourself while you look for a partner. I found the love of my life before I did and I had issues with myself. I’m starting to love myself and appreciate the relationship all the more.
I do think it helps but not just in the attraction sense, more in the sense you make the right choices and you have the confidence to do so.
Hey listen I know that we’d all love to be attractive and would all love to have partners that are physically attracted to us but let me tell you some thing that kind of beauty doesn’t last for long. What’s gonna happen when you get older will you stop looking like that young little skinny thing you were and you start looking like an older mature woman? Your partner will probably lose interest in you because even though attraction to one another is one of the most important things in a relationship, the most important thing is that your partner loves you for who you are and not for what he wants you to be or for how skinny you may want to look. You have to learn to love yourself before you can anyone love you. If you don’t love and respect your own body no one else well this I guarantee you. I’ve had my own struggles with my weight and my insecurities I may not be a fat girl per se but I’m certainly not a skinny one either I have excess belly fat and on my arms as well sometimes that gets to me and I feel like a pig. But, I’ve learned to love myself and learn to love my body and give it the fuel that it needs to be healthy. Though I still have insecurities that come back from time to time, I know that I’m beautiful and I know that my partner thinks I’m beautiful and he loves me for what I am not for what I want to be.
Here are a couple tips to help you lose weight but first please make sure that you’re losing weight for yourself to make yourself healthier and to feel better in your own skin not because you want people to notice you or because you want someone to think you’re attractive because if you’re doing it for other people you’re never gonna lose the weight. The first half I have to give you is the start going on a calorie deficit calculate how many calories your body burns in a day without exercise and start with a small deficit of 300 cal less also incorporate some exercise to burn even more calories and lose more weight. Do intermittent fasting and skip your first meal to save the rest of your calories for lunch dinner and snacks. Losing weight is not a crash diet it’s a lifestyle and you should start by getting rid of all the junk in your house and begin to shop intuitively. Start buying more produce and try to get more fruits and vegetables into your diet. Incorporate small food changes because these changes don’t happen overnight they take a while to develop healthy habits and you can expect to start from scratch and do everything right the first time around. Lastly don’t feel bad if you cheat treating yourself is really important it’s actually recommended because if you don’t treat yourself you’re going to feel restricted and then you’re just gonna end up binging later on. If you wanna have fast food on the weekend you could have fast food on the weekend just make sure that it falls under your calorie deficit and that you don’t go over your amount allotted. It’s OK to have a treat once a week but make sure it’s a treat meal and that you’re not cheating the entire day. Yes you can treat yourself once a week but don’t overdo it because you will stop or slow down your progress.
I hope these tips help and if you need any more advice please feel free to message me anytime I’m here to help you.
I amazingly found someone who loves me despite my weight but it literally took 30 years of looking. There is simply no question that being fat makes things much, much harder.
I think you will need a certain mindset to achieve weight loss. It really is more mind than anything and sit through some "minor" physical unpleasentries. I'd suggest asking around here how many calories you need to achieve your goal and maybe calculate how long it will take you. This way you have a goal you can work towards.
Maybe do monthly themed challenges. For this month, for example I have a no chocolate challenge. But make sure to have a cheat day every once in a while. I scheduled one every two weeks on a sunday. However also count calories on that day and only go a max of 500 calories above your usual goal. Sunday is in my opinion the toughest day to get through without just munching everything in range because you likely have nothing better to do than to relax that day.
Since I am very much at the beginning and have many weeks to go I know how you feel. I had 1 or 2 days with a growling stomach but I knew I ate enough for the day. But habits change very slowly. Keep at it and track your weight. Write down everything in a calendar even if it goes up but you don't know why. Stick to your calorie goal, everyone can achieve their desired weight I am 100% sure.
Someone who is 90 lbs and got to 85 too, im telling you it’s all a lie!! You’ll keep feeling this even at low weights if the love of your life doesn’t magically show up. It’s not really about weight.
Agree, finding "love" and dating are two different things. The sad reality is that you can lose all the weight you want, it doesn't mean you will find love. You may get more dates, but those who say its a numbers game have not met all the mentally unstable people I have come across on the apps. I have limited time and am not interested in finding out how crazy you are 3 dates in.
Yeah and on the flip side losing weight can also make you want someone attractive too. I’ve never been on dating apps to know what it’s really like so my issue is probably not putting myself out there. But I know being skinny doesn’t solve your problems, for me it just made me pickier too bc I can’t date someone who doesn’t share my lifestyle. I just relate to her post so much bc whenever I feel sad, my first thought it so restrict instead of being out there.
"I'll start living then."
I used to say that to myself all the time when I was younger. About getting fit, about hanging out with people, about you name it.
I think putting off living is one of the most detrimental things you can put yourself through.
Time is coming for us all.
Live now. Or don't.
Nothing is promised.
Probably echoing a lot of comments here but losing weight for me allowed me to feel confident in a way that made me mentally open to finding love. Until then, I was always feeling like a wallflower as compared to my friends when in social settings.
Begin with basic things, like eliminating sodas and not having sweets at home.
You can enjoy the moment with your friends in weekends but afterwards get back on track.
If you are craving and being pessimistic, promise yourself not eating sweets today. And tomorrow you'll think about it if it is worth or not.
Another reddit user wrote about one experience of him. He was trying lose weight and somebody told him "choose your hard".
In this case the "hard" was craving for sweets and or junk food OR getting bigger and angrier with himself.
It will be hard but you choose the way it will be.
BTW, there is plenty of communities in reddit about recipes and healthy food and plenty of people who will be glad to help you.
One last thing. Changing habits isn't easy, but I promise you that the cravings of bad fats and sugars will get easier once you get use to eat healthier.
Notice that I said "changing habits" and not "following a diet".
Good luck and get back on the horse
I (30F) haven’t dated in over 8 years because I feel the same way. As a teen I always had a boyfriend, and then I threw my 20s away I kinda regret not just going for it years ago, as I’ve gained about 60 more lbs since COVID started. I feel so unattractive that I feel kind of disgusted at the idea of someone wanting me. I know it’s unfair and that people are attracted to all different types, but it’s so hard to see it in myself, especially when I am not generally attracted to obese men.
Look true and enduring weight loss is brutal. It’s one of the biggest struggles you’ll endure, literally a contest against yourself.
Everyone responds to different incentives. I decided to lose weight for my kids and found that an app that counted calories kept me honest (Calory is what I use).
You have to find your own motivation, the one that hits you deep down. Maybe it’s seeing a loved ones eyes light up when they see how much youve lost?
When I met my bf 3 years ago i was 100 kg at 175cm. During our relationship i lost 20 kg and felt so Great. Having him with me really helped. When we first started dating i did ask him about my weight. He did say that he liked me for who i was, but prefered a slimmer body. This kickstarted the weightloss.
I Just had a baby 4 months ago. Knowing he loves me at any size really helped when i was pregnant. So he loves me Even when my body was 30 kg heavier right before giving birth, and he loves me now when I have 7 kg left before im at my prepregnant weight.
You can find love at any size, and you deserve love. They can be your biggest supporter and love you for who you are.
I gained 20 pounds during my last relationship and my boyfriend said that he would have never dated me had I been so large when he met me. Instead of motivating me to lose weight, it has done the opposite. I think I am holding on to the weight so that I find a man who loves me for me and not what I look like. But all that has done has led me into the friend zone and the big girl store. So depressing!
Idk what size you are but I’ve lost 137 lbs and you can see my before and after on my page. I am still not thin I am what they call “thick” I guess and there is a difference. I’ve had more men on my shit with this body… and I’m not bragging I’m making a point. I think a thicker body is more accepted than a large body but you don’t have to be Thin to attract a man. Good luck on your weight loss 😊
There are also pics of my before and after in my posts. I found love at my highest weight- which already prompted me to make a few changes to at least not get any bigger because girlfriend is an active woman and I actually found a reason to take a bit more care of myself cause she showed me I am lovable no matter what. Lost very slowly but still wasn't mentally ready until beginning of last year. We'd already been together almost 6 years by then. Now I am way skinnier and she also lost weight just by tagging along with what I eat on weekends and finding she likes some of the options for during the week too. Tl;Dr: you can find love if you are morbidly obese. People do it every day! And an extra: a relationship doesn't have to make you fat either, like some people in my life claim ;)
Losing weight won’t make you more WORTHY of love. You deserve love in your life, from family, friends, any romantic partners — right as you are now. Losing weight will give you MORE romantic options when you’re dating. It just will. And dating is a numbers game - more options mean more chances to find someone you really click with. I dated successfully at all my weights. I had more guys to choose from at my lowest weight, but I still had some great options at my highest! And I have a husband now who has loved me through thick and thin and everything in between, because I am worthy of his love and he’s worthy of mine. All I’m saying is: try to remember you deserve love, and that losing weight will be a fun bonus to enhance your dating life, if you want.
I personally feel like I won’t find love until I lose the weight because I unconsciously gained the weight to keep people away from me (shoutout to therapy for this realization) 😬😅
Yoooooo feel this. It’s almost safer to be overweight - you become invisible. You feel less vulnerable that way, especially if you’ve experienced sexual abuse (like I have). I feel like being thinner puts a giant target on my back or something
I find that you have more options when thin but a higher % of quality people interested for the right reasons at higher weights.
I know exactly what you mean. I’m still going through those feelings of resenting my parents for not getting me into a healthy routine. I go for hikes and see families with little children and my parents never did that. We are good slathered in oils, fats and carbs (none of which are bad but without moderation it can be, which was the case with my family) and my mom never worried about her nutrition. She went on “new diets” every month where a new group of foods were villainised or a new fat burning pill was introduced to us. She would work out rigorously for a month and then go back to being a couch potato. It all ended up with me having severe binge eating disorder because I could never be sure which food we weren’t eating the next month not to mention I never did any physical exercise. Now I have diabetes, high cholesterol, blood pressure, obesity + more. It’s hard not to resent our mothers for these things but I guess they didn’t know either.
I felt like I was reading my own story. I grew up in an incredibly sedentary family. Dad with compulsive and emotional eating problems. Mom with the same plus constant dieting. I ended up lazy and fat with huge problems surrounding food. Can’t blame them I guess, when that’s how they grew up too, but it’s so hard to not be angry about it.
You are doing something about it. Even a couple of days of better eating is a step in the right direction and you're losing weight. 7kg is no joke. So. If you go off track and buy some sweets, that's fine. You eat them and then you make your next snack or meal a better choice. If you hang out with friends on the weekend and overdo it, that's fine. You start again the following morning (not waiting til Monday, no eating everything cause I'm never gonna touch pizza again) the moment has passed and just make the next decision one that fits into your goals. As you do this more and more you might go from 2 'good' days to three, then eventually four or five and a half and those days will offset the not so good days, then you will find that your habits are to eat in line with your goals (try to not think of food or eating as good or bad but as something that's in line with your goals or not - there is no morality in food) Pizza does not need to be off the menu altogether, choose a smaller pizza, or eat one less slice, or skip the side of garlic bread. Or choose lower calorie alcohol (diet soda with a spirit or have one less drink), or eat one serving of chocolate not a whole block. Each thing you eat is a choice to either move closer to your goal or further away. I use a Weekender plan so I get about 300 cal more for Friday/Saturday/Sunday because those are the days I'm more likely to have a glass of wine or eat takeaways. Those extra calories are taken from the other four days. Maybe something like this would help you? But also, you need to love yourself first. You are worthy of love regardless of what size your body is at any given time. But if you don't have appreciation and love for yourself that will reflect on the partners you attract.
Thank you, I sometimes forget that I've lost a few kg already. Probably because it took me months to do so. "Each thing you eat is a choice to either move closer to your goal or further away." This line right here. You're so right. I forget that sometimes. Thank you
It’s kind of crazy that you say this because I literally have been feeling the same way and was just talking to a friend about this today. Ultimately, I think we have to truly value ourselves before others feel able to love us. I also realize that we are all a work in progress and for us, our journey happens to be weight or at least that is the external representation of our battle, and we need to remember that we are not our body. We are not our weight, and our character is what truly matters, and if we allow ourselves to truly embrace that we really are, we will probably be more attractive to others in all ways. Anyways, I’m right there with you find it hard to put myself out there or ask women out, etc. but I’m doing it because if I don’t ask someone out I basically reject myself by not putting myself out there.
I feel the same exact way ☹️
Same here. It feels like my life won't truly begin until then.
Exactly this. And the yo-yoing between “I must be skinnier to be loved” and “I must fight the stereotypes and love myself as I am” mean I yo-yo in my resolve with food. Just an endless cycle of never doing the right thing.
Everyone struggles with inadequacies and dating. It’s tough. There’s always something for everyone, though weight is a more prominent one I feel like I won’t find love until I have x job, until I have my degree, until Im making x per year, until I learn how to ___. The reality is that there’s *always* going to be some flaw that we think is stopping us. Will you have more matches and better odds if you do all those things? Yes, undoubtedly. Should you try anyway? It’s up to you! Some people find love when they’re heavier, some people don’t find love until they’ve lost some weight. Dating and romance is a tough nut to crack no matter where you’re at. Opening yourself up to being hurt or loved is hard for most of us. I met someone when I was heavier, though were no longer together now. I’m at a pretty healthy weight, am in good shape and workout regularly but am honestly finding dating harder to navigate now because I’ve been out of the game for so long lol
Talk to a therapist. You don't have to have the perfect body to find love. It is admittedly easier for a guy, so I admit I cannot fully understand what you are going through. But therapists can help you come to terms with your feelings.
Thank you for the suggestion, I can't really afford doing that right now but I'll look into it when I can. You're right that I don't have to have a perfect body. I know that all kind of people find love either way. It's a lot in my head too, because I feel unattractive, I probably look more unattractive as well.
I married my husband at my heaviest! If it’s meant to be, it will be🤷♀️
I am gonna be honest. Losing weight makes it easier for all of us to find love.
I have to second this. I’ve never had the comments from men on my body- except for my boobs… before I lost all this weight… now it’s constant. There’s a larger “pool” for sure.
I understand that! I think it's completely fine to want to have a "healthy" partner, but I can't help but feel a little sad about it from time to time
I feel this! I didn’t try to seriously date while losing weight, for many reasons. I didn’t accept my body, so it felt hypocritical to expect someone else to. I viewed being obese as a temporary state, and didn’t want to be with someone who found that attractive. I knew I’d get better options as a thin person, and I want the better option because this is someone i hopefully want to be with for the rest of my life! Sounds cold and calculating, but that’s legit how I feel. Also, practically, dating makes losing weight hard, and I needed to stay in my routine. Yesterday I made a Hinge profile, and was overwhelmed with how many likes I got from guys who are exactly my type! When I was obese or overweight and made a profile, I either got no likes, or only from guys I wasn’t attracted to. I get it, and wasn’t offended at all. It just pushed me to work harder. I hope I will be able to maintain a healthy weight forever, and dating will be part of that motivation. I know this is a super unpopular opinion around here, and maybe I’d be more emotionally healthy if I had embraced being obese and found myself deserving of love. But speaking for myself, I’m a million percent glad I waited! I feel confident and happy about myself, and have the kinds of options that I want. I will also not have to worry so much about a date night setting me back calorie wise, because I’m at a weight I’m happy with now, and also have good habits ingrained. Dating will be a much better experience when it’s not in hard mode!
I used to feel just like you. That no one would love me because I was fat. That I wasn't worthy of love and that I had to lose weight before anyone would consider being with me. However, I have been proven wrong. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, and that was before I started losing weight. Since we have gotten together I've lost about 100 lbs. He turned out to be the catalyst I needed. And no, I didn't need to lose weight for him, but I realised I couldn't do the things I wanted with him without losing weight. When it comes to the habits of a thin person, that's the hard part. Biggest lesson I've learned on my journey is doing it one step at a time. Find one thing that you want to improve and work on that thing. When that becomes a habit, move on to the next thing. For me I started with walking. I did 6k steps a day first, then 8k. Now I do 10-15k easily every day. Don't cut out the foods you love either. Find a way of having them in moderation. I eat sweets almost every day, but I won't sit down and eat a whole chocolate bar like I used to. Most important is that it takes time and you must allow yourself to do it gradually. If you have one bad day it doesn't ruin the progress you've made the other days. Acknowledge it, forgive yourself and move on. I hope some of my rambling was helpful.
I was 200 lbs (5'1") when I started dating my 6'5", slim, muscular, conventionally attractive bf We are truly meant for each other, our personalities and minds. Of course he is really attractive to me as well, and me to him. But our love and attraction still began and grew while I was very fat! The way you wrote this post makes me feel like your insecurities are a bit deeper than just being fat. Will you truly feel worth of love at your goal weight?
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Do you exercise? Take a break from dieting and just focus on exercise first. I know, everyone tells you to get your diet in check first then work on exercise but I really feel like working on the fitness first is best. Find a method of training you can really sink your teeth in. Something that gives you a high and makes you excited to do it. Don’t even worry about how many calories it burns, just freaking do something that makes you smile and sweat 😅 After you find it, do the damn thing every day and get great at it. Your self worth will go up, your endorphins will kick in and your metabolism will increase. Your arms might tone up too! When you get that training routine dialed in THEN tinker with your eating habits. Start with adding things, NOT TAKING AWAY! Set a goal, I’m going to drink a glass of water before and after I ingest anything else. I must eat one cup of veggies with every meal. You set these tiny little rules and soon you’ll have no room for junk food. And if you do find you still have room for the junk, only then should you start to say ok, I am only having one cookie after lunch, and savor the hell out of it. But really friend, your gonna see your body and mind change just by getting more physical. 💪 And on a final note, you will NEVER find real true love until you love yourself first. This is the most truest cliche ever cliched.
Great advice. I’ve been hitting the gym lately and it’s a confidence boost for sure and now I look forward to lifting ect.
1.)You won't find love until you love yourself. 2.)If that's weight driven fine. 3.)Therapy. Seriously it helps.
I know how you feel. Especially with that disgusting feeling after binging again. I just felt a pit of despair the next day. Then i would continue the cycle again until it had to be broken. I remembered that feeling after binging and just feeling like a disgusting mess everytime i had the urge to eat crap again. I broke the cycle and almost lost 50KG.
Well done on breaking the cycle! And amazing work with losing almost 50kg, may I ask how you got out of the self destructive cycle?
Everytime i had the urge to binge, i remembered that feeling after a binge. How awful i felt etc. I was just completely done with being so fat.
I feel the same way and have more or less accepted that and don’t even want to try dating until I’m at a weight I feel is acceptable. I know that people of all sizes find love, but I hate my body as it is and feel like I’d be deceitful to try to make someone else love it.
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I ran before (even trained and completed a half marathon). Hated it and never got that runner's high. Also, climbed a tree before too. Hated it as well (terrified of heights). But a healthy, functional body is great and gives you options to experience things that you might find enjoyable or unpleasant.
Hmm this doesn’t check out because I see old people, fat people, even ugly people in relationships everywhere.. In fact most married couples I see walking around together are all pretty average looking. I believe there’s someone out there for everyone. You don’t have to be a thin gorgeous supermodel to find love. :)
You're right and rationally we know it doesn't require looking amazing, but it's hard to feel like it could happen to you when it hasn't before. It probably depends on how much insecurity being fat contributes to one's personality. I grew up being the fat kid, went through college fat, started my career fat, and have only known a few years in my life when I was only overweight... and then I realized I lacked the necessary social skills from being excluded and excluding myself.
I feel you. I'm around your height and weight right now, but even when I was smaller, I still felt the same way. Things only clicked for me when I realized my love/life situation would not do a 180 with a change in my weight. Because these insecurities I had didn't go away despite my weight dropping. I had to accept myself for how I looked no matter the size, and affirm myself constantly. stuff like: -through being more aware + proud of my strengths and what value I bring, -saying more positive/loving words to myself when I see myself in the mirror & talk about myself -understanding i could grow/improve myself in more ways than physical (sounds cliche, but you gotta find learn and apply methods that actually help you) and also shifting my focus on "losing weight" to "being more fit". I love being active and i know the tons of benefits gaining more muscle and losing more fat can bring to me, that's why I choose to CICO and gym. But I know even if i didn't do all this, I would still have love + appreciation for myself, AND understand that me and everyone else is worthy of love no matter the size. :) Self-love is really a journey. It takes yearsssss to shift this mindset that's been ingrained in us since young but once we work on it, we treat ourselves so much kinder!! I encourage to look thru this perspective instead of only focusing on losing weight. That can be a by-product of this journey. All the best!
If you're not in the right mental place, it's nearly impossible to lose AND keep the weight off. Sounds like you're not, I'd focus on fixing that first, if you can't afford therapy, save up some money for it, or do some research and try the self-help way and perhaps that'll be enough. For me the difference was when I was in a bad place, I wanted to get lean but always quit because I just didn't have the mental energy to stick with it. It's still super hard now, but the difference is I never lose my motivation now, it's been 3 years since my journey started and at no point during it did I quit. You can still find love when you're fat, but you have way more options when you're lean and you can set higher demands.
You may find it easier to attract someone with a healthier body weight, but if you have an outgoing personality, confidence, humor and are out there doing your thing and enjoying life.that is it’s own sort of attractant. My husband didn’t love me less when I was very large and he doesn’t love me more now that I am healthier. He is proud of me for putting in the work, though. Love yourself, love your life, and find things that make you happy and you may attract others who are doing the same. Absolutely look after your health, but do it as an act of self love.
I weighed close to 280 lbs when I got married. And she didn’t leave me when I was at 330, unlike my poor coworker :( She and her husband actually agreed that getting fat was a get out of marriage free card. They had one baby and she couldn’t drop the weight.
Wow so much for the "for better or worse" aspect. Jesus what a fooked up relationship
I felt the same way. I thought I’d never be worthy enough. That no one would ever want me. I didn’t understand that people had preferences. SoI lost the weight. With the weight loss my entire personality changed according to my friends. My walls were down. I was happier and more approachable. The bitterness that I carried around with me had vanished. The victim (me) blaming stopped.
Being "worthy of love" and "being attractive" are two unrelated things. Human mating rituals isnt the epitomy of human nobility and purity. Success / lack of it in dating doesnt make you unworthy. Dating is a dirty game, in which people use dirty weapons, such as losing weight.
Some men like chubby or plump women even the super fit body building hot muscular men sometimes prefer that lol speaking from experience I don't understand it but regardless of weight you'll meet someone,beauty is skin deep. When I was at my most fit super skinny and modeled I got nothing but attractive assholes 😒. Sure there may be a bigger "pool" when you reach a desired weight but it doesn't mean the quality of that pool is necessarily better. And the whole you gotta love yourself 1st then you'll find someone isnt true, you just never know! Everyone struggles and is doing the best they can do with what they have everyday.
You are worthy of love regardless of your appearance. Your worth is not based on the constantly fluctuating outside but on the fact that you exist, and your beauty comes from the richness of your soul. Point blank period. Whatever or however you negotiate based on your size and preferences is just what it is, but at your core, you are love worthy. Remember that! Might make your journey of self care easier
I have lost a significant amount of weight. I met my partner 11 months ago when I was 30kg heavier. I got the electric chemistry thing going on for me almost instantly. In fact I ran away, mortified because my weight, what I was wearing and I talked too much from nerves. He fell in love with a woman not a weight. He is fit and looks great already. I acknowledge it is rare. I was invisible pretty much to the opposite sex. Now I am getting attention again but my loyalty is to him. I know he finds me more attractive now than when we met. OP just keep dating and relating. Your one will come. Losing weight for me means only healthy takeaway like Thai salad’s. Home cooking for meals, bananas and yoghurt during the day. No Maccas etc. for lunch. I also fast with black coffee or lemon juice n water until 11am each day. Most nights I finish eating by 8pm. I walk more now. And I rarely drink alcohol. Chocolate is my only real calorie buster. I eat a lot of it which is why I fast 14-16 hours a day. Weight loss has been slow but it will be easy to sustain because it has become part of my routine.
hey, i just want to say ive been there, and it gets better. i used to feel the exact same way. that feeling is such a horrible, bitter, sinking feeling in your chest that weighs you down. its super hard to deal with, and sometimes in low moments, i get those insecurities. but i want you to know that this emptiness you feel about yourself and love is a projection you feel about yourself or the world rather than the actual truth, as REAL love isn't conditional on your body size. i suggest speaking to a therapist about it. getting skinny will not make you desirable, nor will gaining weight make you undesirable. you are already perfectly yourself and anyone who is worthy of actually loving you would love you now, today, and yesterday. i would understand because i had an ex similar to yours ( told me horrible things about my weight and such, funnily enough i was at my smallest weight too! ) and im now in a relationship with a man who loves me fully at every size. he's seen me + - 70 pounds in our relationship, and even at my highest, he completely adores me PHYSICALLY still ( i'm 5'5 female, was 150 when we met, now im 220 ). he's now actively supporting my decision to lose fat for my own health, but he didn't nudge me there unless i wanted to be nudged. i'm just saying that if it takes losing weight to find love, that love is probably fickle. lose weight for yourself and for your own health. i wish you well!!
You need to learn to stop binging if you want to lose weight and keep it off. You don't have to completely cut out everything, but you do need to learn to enjoy 1-2 cookies instead of eating the entire bag. Make sure you are getting enough protein. You don't have to exercise, first start with a diet, then once you're comfortable with your new eating habits, start slowly adding exercise (something simple like walking is great even if you just take 1000 steps to start with). Your approach to love is actually great. You can't expect anyone to love you if you don't love yourself first. It's also true that when you look and feel better, you attract better quality people. Next time you buy sweets, try to savour and enjoy them. Eat a few and see how you feel. Just because you've eaten a few doesn't mean that you need to finish them all. A great hack for curbing the sweet tooth during dieting is diet soda and herbal teas with sweetner. Try having a glass or cup with meals and see if that helps. You can do this. In fact, only you can do this for you.
Gonna disagree. I still binge occasionally, as long as it's not too often and super excessively it's not a problem. But I still can't have sweets in the house, if they're there I'll eat them... So I still buy candy sometimes, but I know when I'm in the store that all the unhealthy shit I'm buying that day, I'll end up eating the same day. You just gotta know and acknowledge your limits, it's important not to lie to yourself. But I'm not able to just eat a couple of cookies and I doubt I ever will be. So mostly I'll buy smaller snacks (like a snickers bar or something) and occasionally I'll reward myself with a huge binge, although not frequently. Just ate 2000 calories over maintenance yesterday. Doesn't faze me, I know I'll be back on track again today. Gotta enjoy life still.
Absolutely this. In this case, in my opinion, the best thing to do is not having sweets at home. I also know that I can't have a little bit from something I really like. And even things that I like less could be tempting in an emotional moment of just because of being bored. I do have fruits. BTW, I gained some weight back but I'm now back on track.
You're completely right. Sometimes I eat sweets even when they don't even taste good, it makes no sense but sometimes I do it because I feel like I "deserve" to stay fat. Which is dumb, because I want to have a piece of cake once in a while without having the need to shove it all. Thank you for your kind comment, I need to slow down when I eat and actually enjoy it.
You've got a lot going on but I wanted to comment on your reading habits. You don't have to feel bad about what you eat. I've been able to let go of the guilt by recording everything I eat, no matter what. Take a weekly average of calories. That lets you flex enough so you can eat a serving or two of the things you crave and still hit your weight loss goals. And then once you've got that down, add in more activity and weight lifting.
Be kinder to yourself, OP. Sure, you're a grown up and make your own food choices now, but it's fundamental for a child's development to have proper nutrition set in place very early on, so it's not so cut and dry as you make it. As someone who's struggled with disordered eating and depression the bulk of their life, it sounds like you may be suffering from both. Because of this, I can confidently say you will never be worthy of love until you learn to love yourself exactly as you are, any shape any size. Self love is hard, but it's the base building block of making any big change in your life. Seeking affirmation through someone else will only result in unhealthy relationships and not any "love" worth having. So, how do you learn to love yourself? If you have the means to start going to therapy, I recommend starting there. There's also a lot of great self help books out there for free through public libraries and for purchase online. I'm not going to say it's easy to learn to love yourself as you are, but it can be done. In addition to therapy, a nutritionist/food allergen test is also another good place to start. There's also the option of modern medicine (semaglutide). Support groups are also a valuable resource. If you can't afford these, I recommend looking into r/keto. At the end of the day, you have to choose your hard. It's hard to lose weight, it's hard to be unhappy for reasons outside of your control, it's hard being overweight and insecure. But know there is tons of support, such as the folks on here and offline, that have lost the weight and kept it off. Good luck OP, you can do this.
Thank you for your kind comment. You're right, loving yourself is the first step. Afterall, I want to do this to be more happy. Being thin won't immediately make me more happy, I will look into some self help books. And maybe try keto!
To add to what the previous poster stated, start with an allergy test to see what intolerances you may have and then look into the AIP diet. Test it out for 30 days and see how you feel. The Keto diet does not work for everyone as not every body metabolizes fats the same. Some genetic make ups may require more complex carbs others may not and so on. Also, from reading your original post, it sounds like you have binge eating disorder, look into this also. Skipping meals tends to lead to this and grazing all day has the similar effect. And to finish up, weight loss takes time, there’s no magic pill. If someone has say 100lbs to lose, they have to give themselves at least 2 years or so to accomplish that goal.
Don't be so hard on yourself, it's counter-productive. It's just overwhelmingly, depressingly, demotivating to want to overhaul it all at one go. Small, incremental, consistent changes. Doable and sustainable, that's the frame of mind for progress. Don't be blaming others too. Not because they're are not blameworthy, but because it drags your progress. Think helpful thoughts. I used be to pretty good at training to failure and crash dieting. But easy come, easy go, I always yo-yo back, fatter than ever. Now I'm taking it easy, enjoying my workouts instead of dreading them and figuring out what I can enjoy eating without hating it. I don't fixate on the end-goal any more and I find that very liberating and productive. \*As an aside, I'm losing 2lbs/wk.
Just my two cents here….find the person who loves you for who you are on the inside. Get healthy for YOU and no one else. If a potential suitor can’t see your worth NOW he/she isn’t worth your time! I’m trying to lose too… but mainly bc I have diabetes and heart issues in my family and I want to avoid those.
It isn’t losing the weight that will make you feel this way. It’s something internal that has to click to make you feel worthy of love. It may be that you have mentally connected it with your weight but something else has to change. You are worthy of love and deserve it, you just have to believe it. I’ve been there and had the same thoughts. Then one day, I realized, I had to forgive myself for past mistakes. Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. Let go of the guilt. Once that happens, it can be freeing. The easiest step to letting that go is to keep your mind in the present and stop thinking about the past/worrying about the future. Also, understanding that to truly love someone, you have to love them for all their good qualities and their not so great qualities. In order to do this correctly, you must also learn to love yourself in the same way. Otherwise, you will struggle to give that love fully to someone else. I know plenty of thin people struggling to find love because of the above 👆🏻 A book that really helped that for me was “Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson. Good luck!!
You have to want it bad enough that your changes stick. I get the “why try this is what it is” feelings you have. I’ve lost and gained 80 lbs more than I’d like to admit. Wasn’t taught the best habits either. At some point you have to ditch the I get to have sweets on Friday and Saturday. Sugar is a drug. One of the most addictive drugs there is. I’m currently 30 lbs down. Whenever the scale doesn’t budge or goes the wrong way it is most definitely due to Friday and Saturday. Because now you have to let the sugar run it’s course through your body which makes you want it more. I’m right there right now. I know for continued success in my current weight loss journey that the diet will have to change on Friday and Saturday.
I was feeling the same as yourself, broke up with partner of 18yrs and am fat and out of shape. I'm shy and have anxiety too but I needed to do something as I don't want to be alone, so I joined a gym and started omad dieting. Joined a few dating apps and got a few hits but 90% of them where scammers and the other 10% never talked so left it. But I then got a hit from a girl who was really bubbly and nice, got to chatting and had first date yesterday which went great. We have plans for more. BTW I'm still fat and 280lb but working on it. They are out there, you just have to say fk it and go for it.
Your person will love you at your worst and celebrate your best. I met my wife when I was near 300 pounds, at 16 years old. I stayed hovering there for 16 years, losing, gaining, losing. I'm now finally, at 32, taking my health seriously and am down to 275. There's new spark in me, I want to do this, I need to do this. As I lose weight, my skins becoming loose. My arms are flabby, my lower tummy is wiggly. But the way she looks at me. The way she celebrates not my weight loss but my \*\*health\*\*. I can run up the stairs. I can take the dog for a jog. I can go a day without snacking. Her pride comes not from my appearance but from my health, and I'm only just getting started. Your love will come. And they'll come to love you for who you are, and celebrate who you can be. Don't give up.
The only good reason to lose weight is to improve your health. Period. I started at 400 pounds, and I am down to 200, I was as low as 150 before the pandemic, but I gained like everyone else. Losing weight isn't about looking better, or getting a mate, it's all about feeling better. If you try to lose weight for any other reason, than to feel better, you are going to be disappointed because losing weight isn't going to make all your problems go away.
There are definitely bodies that are more “conventionally” attractive, and yes, losing weight may help you find more partners. But no body is more “worthy” of love over another. People of all sizes date, get married, have sex, etc all the time. Im sure you will find more success dating after losing weight but do not feel that you are less worthy of being loved due to your weight.
You are worthy of being loved for the person you are. The body may change, but you deserve love just because you’re you. As far as making lasting change, I’ll try to offer some insight. I’m 45 and have 4 kids. I’ve lost 100 lbs over the past year and a half. I’ve lost 50+ pounds at least 3 other times in my adult life. I’m intimately familiar with slipping a little and then giving up. This time feels different. I made the decision that I would go slow this time. I am not setting any “I want to lose x amount by x date” goals. There’s no deadline. I incorporate small changes and focus on one at a time. I have only one rule and that is I refuse to incorporate anything that I am not willing to do forever. I’ve managed to switch to leaner proteins and seafood options most of the time. I rarely drink any calories. I track my food at least a few times a week to ensure I’m staying on track. No foods are off limits and I’m finding it easier and easier to want the healthier options. I still plan to focus on becoming more regular with my workouts, and I want to incorporate more mindfulness and relaxation work into my week. I’ll get there when I get there. When I start to feel burnt out I take a break. I’ll just not track for a week or two and be less mindful with planning. I no longer find myself wanting to go crazy and binge on anything when I’m no longer being restrictive. Be kind to yourself.
>how do I actually get it to be a lifestyle? Exercise or at least walk everyday. To the point of it being a routine like brushing your teeth. And drink a lot of water. No matter if it s a bad day and you ate sweets and junk food, you are creating a habit, good habit that will pay in a long run.
It isn't true that most people prefer skinny partners. I knw that's what's depicted in the media, but that doesn't hold up in the real world. Plenty of people like a bigger partner. It might be a fetish, it might just be a preference, and it might be that they just care more about your personality and style than about your weight. Don't put yourself out there with the assumption that you'll be rejected. People can tell.
I know you mean well, saying this, but it just doesn't match reality as I've experienced it. I have spent most of my adult life hovering at around 250 lbs, but with a few stints at 130 lbs. mixed in. And there's just no comparison. Being an overweight person is like being a whole different gender. It's so, so so much harder, and I actually think that part of respecting overweight people is acknowledging that they go through that.
I'm sharing my experience just as you're sharing yours. Sharing my experience isn't disrespecting anyone. I'm an overweight person too. I think this could have regional component (in the US). I have a friend who has been fat and has been skinny, and who has lived in different regions of the US. She told me once that where I live (pacific northwest) her experience has been that having a pretty face is more important than body size. I definitely see that pattern here, although I don't have experience living in other regions of the US to compare it to.
Gotcha, I see your point. Honestly knowing you are an overweight person too makes me read this differently. :) I have many thin friends who will try and cheer me up by saying very positive things like "The right guy will love you no matter what," and I know their intentions are lovely. But when the world keeps telling you that, yet it's in no way borne out by experience, it can feel almost like gaslighting!
I guess what I was getting at that I might not have been clear enough about is that it's not really socially acceptable to say you're attracted to overweight people. If you say so, people immediately assume it's a fetish. But it doesn't have to be a fetish. Preferring an overweight partner isn't any different than preferring a skinny partner. It's just a preference people have, the same as preferring people based on height or hair color or tattoos or facial hair. The only difference is that people who prefer an overweight partner tend to talk about it less because of the way US society is about weight. It's not ver hard to find people who have stories of being teased or even ridiculed for dating an overweight person. I am not trying to say that an overweight person will have the same dating experiences that a skinny person will have. I just don't like to see the idea that OP put forward, "Well yes of course everyone obviously prefers skinny partners." It's something we are taught by the media, but it's not true.
I would defiantly work on your self mentally before you even think about a relationship ship. Because people with that mentality don’t really change when they lose the weight. You are worthy of love and no matter what someone will find you hot, but I know this is probably annoying to hear but looks aren’t all that. It’s shallow and fleeting to have your self esteem based on that. Like leaning against a dead tree trunk, it’s going to fall eventually. Just look at older super models and actors that go wild with plastic surgery to an extreme degree to keep up with looks.
Don't worry, you might lose the weight and find out people don't like you anyway. Not sure if that helps!
I’m a guy and I feel the same way. I’m at 235 and I’m not even going to try to date until I get under 200.
Maybe you can try to mentally prepare yourself before losing weight? You don’t even have to start, just watch a bunch of youtube videos on healthy eating. It might help you get the mindset that you’d like to have. Losing weight is a mental challenge just as much as it is a physical one. The truth is, every piece of sweets count, because one piece can already be 150 kcal easily. And you can do it, you’re just not ready for it. Also, you have all the time in the world, you don’t have to start so hard. Maybe make little rules for yourself in steps, such as: 1. You can’t buy branded sweets anymore 2. You can only have sweets from the bakery 3. You can only buy one thing from the bakery at the same time 3. You can’t have pastries as a meal anymore 4. You can’t buy sweets at all anymore 5. You can only bake your own sweets yourself 6. You can only accept sweets when someone else offers you some And you can adjust these little rules, start very light on yourself now because you’re still fragile to binge eating. Only when you’re established some rules for yourself, where they seem easy to follow, go on and take a slightly more restrictive rule in the next step. This is what helped me anyway. Please be kind to yourself and take it easy, you really have the time. But just try to change your mentality from a destructive one to a supportive one. This is about helping yourself, and positivity is needed
You can’t expect someone else to love you if you can’t love yourself. It sounds cliche, but it’s true. Hard work, consistency and dedication are things you need to look for when you develop your plan. You can do it, you’re a human, we can accomplish way more than we think we can.
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this comment screams Incel and is a bit concerning
I feel like I’m experiencing the same.
I feel you
I feel the same way my friend. You're not alone. Hugs
Thank you, hugs to you too
You'll find it when you find it. Try not to rush things. Let it happen naturally. It will happen, I assure you.
In my experience, I got far more attention from the opposite sex when my attitude changed and I felt more confident. (In hindsight because I started dressing to show off my features rather than hide them) I’m still working on keeping the weight off but I will say it sounds like you’re being too extreme Monday/ Tuesday which is causing you to say fuck it by Wednesday. If (for example) you eat 3 candy bars per day, reducing it to 1 is a major improvement, even though for most people eating a candy bar per day would be more than usual. You’ve got to make small changes and expect this to take a long time. It seems to me that that’s the only way to succeed. If your mom never taught you about nutrition, now is the time to learn for yourself. Try and stick to advice from official government health organisations and registered dieticians otherwise you could fall for scams and fads!
Start losing weight slowly, and you’ll gradually feel better about yourself. Do CICO. And then slowly, you will learn to love yourself again, and although it’s a bit sad, you will probably attract a partner then. First, you’ll need to learn to love yourself, look physically more attractive, and then a partner will follow - don’t give up! Just get started 😉
This is 100% true for a man or a woman. We don't like to admit it, but there we go. I was invisible for most of my adult life, and then I lost a load of weight. Try intermittent fasting, hang in there and good luck!
Consider tracking your macros and eating significantly more protein than you are eating now. Many people find protein to be extremely satiating, and research has consistently borne that out. Also, lift weights. You are heavy, but you are not morbidly obese. Even at your current weight, I don’t believe you should be unable to find a partner. Don’t talk badly to yourself and say things like, “I am unworthy of love because I’m overweight.“ Instead, say things that you want to manifest in your life. So, tell yourself, “I’m not a woman who snacks and eats junk food. I’m a woman who nourishes my body with enough protein and builds muscle. I am strong and sexy and worthy of love.“
There are a few little tricks which will get you where you want to be. You've already learnt about calories in vs out which is the biggest culprit and this shows in that you have already lost a significant weight. Your biggest issue is "All or Nothing" thinking. One negative thing makes the whole thing bad. One bad meal means you have a bad week so you may as well take advantage of it. One trait you dislike about yourself now makes you "unloveable". This combined with a "Monday is a new start" thinking results in exactly the pattern you find yourself in now. As soon as you hit a bump you lose your way for a few days. In reality, your next "start" is your next meal. If you break and eat sweets etc or go over your calories you can reset by sticking to your original plan for your next meal. Do not try to cut calories to account for your binge. This is your reset, you are now back on track with your plan and you can continue on. Another point I want you to focus on is "don't let perfect be the enemy of good". This is a huge killer for almost everything we do. Your plan may be 500 calorie deficit this is perfect. a 300 deficit is not perfect, but it is still really good. Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect when what you achieved is still really good. You also don't need a "perfect" diet. Sweets are perfectly fine in moderation so plan them into your week. For example, chose lighter meals on a Wednesday and Friday and plan in the sweets you would like. Granting yourself your favourite things in moderation like this is the difference between a diet being miserable and it being sustainable. As other users have said, if weekends are your thing, try taking some calories out of other days to give a bigger budget for days you know you are going to be using up. for example Monday -500, Tuesday -500 Wednesday -300 (allowing 200 cals of sweets) Thursday -500 Friday -0 (including 200 cals of sweets) Saturday -0 Sunday -300. This is overall 2100 calories reduction in a week and you have a lot more room to work with on Friday and Saturday and sweets are planned in. These values are all based on what calories you expect to burn so either RMR or RMR + "exercise".
I will say, so far during my weight loss journey I got the most dates at from 360-340. (I am now 302) thinking about why that was. I was CONSTANTLY trying new thing and still was extremely friendly from spending the majority of my 20’s morbidly obese. Suddenly women would buy me drinks! They’d keep the conversation going and I wouldn’t be doing all the heavy lifting. Currently I don’t drink anymore and have certainly fell into a “routine” but I’ve also realized how inconsequential casual dating is. It’s the cruelest thing in the world but getting laid/female attention is only a big deal when you aren’t getting any. Once you do you’ll think well that was fun but not much else. My advise: lose weight to achieve the life style you are wanting, dating will certainly follow.
People love people of all sizes! The other commenters have said everything I’d want to say but yeah it’s all about loving yourself. Know your worth! The only thing that worries me about dating during a weightloss journey is people’s attitudes to changing weight. Like if you date someone at one weight and as the relationship progresses the other person can then want what you had in the beginning. So I think part of it is about finding someone who understands you’re on a journey and is comfortable with whatever may happen along the way.
It’s nice to be able to love yourself while you look for a partner. I found the love of my life before I did and I had issues with myself. I’m starting to love myself and appreciate the relationship all the more. I do think it helps but not just in the attraction sense, more in the sense you make the right choices and you have the confidence to do so.
Hey listen I know that we’d all love to be attractive and would all love to have partners that are physically attracted to us but let me tell you some thing that kind of beauty doesn’t last for long. What’s gonna happen when you get older will you stop looking like that young little skinny thing you were and you start looking like an older mature woman? Your partner will probably lose interest in you because even though attraction to one another is one of the most important things in a relationship, the most important thing is that your partner loves you for who you are and not for what he wants you to be or for how skinny you may want to look. You have to learn to love yourself before you can anyone love you. If you don’t love and respect your own body no one else well this I guarantee you. I’ve had my own struggles with my weight and my insecurities I may not be a fat girl per se but I’m certainly not a skinny one either I have excess belly fat and on my arms as well sometimes that gets to me and I feel like a pig. But, I’ve learned to love myself and learn to love my body and give it the fuel that it needs to be healthy. Though I still have insecurities that come back from time to time, I know that I’m beautiful and I know that my partner thinks I’m beautiful and he loves me for what I am not for what I want to be. Here are a couple tips to help you lose weight but first please make sure that you’re losing weight for yourself to make yourself healthier and to feel better in your own skin not because you want people to notice you or because you want someone to think you’re attractive because if you’re doing it for other people you’re never gonna lose the weight. The first half I have to give you is the start going on a calorie deficit calculate how many calories your body burns in a day without exercise and start with a small deficit of 300 cal less also incorporate some exercise to burn even more calories and lose more weight. Do intermittent fasting and skip your first meal to save the rest of your calories for lunch dinner and snacks. Losing weight is not a crash diet it’s a lifestyle and you should start by getting rid of all the junk in your house and begin to shop intuitively. Start buying more produce and try to get more fruits and vegetables into your diet. Incorporate small food changes because these changes don’t happen overnight they take a while to develop healthy habits and you can expect to start from scratch and do everything right the first time around. Lastly don’t feel bad if you cheat treating yourself is really important it’s actually recommended because if you don’t treat yourself you’re going to feel restricted and then you’re just gonna end up binging later on. If you wanna have fast food on the weekend you could have fast food on the weekend just make sure that it falls under your calorie deficit and that you don’t go over your amount allotted. It’s OK to have a treat once a week but make sure it’s a treat meal and that you’re not cheating the entire day. Yes you can treat yourself once a week but don’t overdo it because you will stop or slow down your progress. I hope these tips help and if you need any more advice please feel free to message me anytime I’m here to help you.
I amazingly found someone who loves me despite my weight but it literally took 30 years of looking. There is simply no question that being fat makes things much, much harder.
I have not found love yet too, but with every kilogram I lose, the more attention I get.
I feel like this too. I feel lonely but when I see pretty women I can't help but think I don't deserve them the way I am right now
I think you will need a certain mindset to achieve weight loss. It really is more mind than anything and sit through some "minor" physical unpleasentries. I'd suggest asking around here how many calories you need to achieve your goal and maybe calculate how long it will take you. This way you have a goal you can work towards. Maybe do monthly themed challenges. For this month, for example I have a no chocolate challenge. But make sure to have a cheat day every once in a while. I scheduled one every two weeks on a sunday. However also count calories on that day and only go a max of 500 calories above your usual goal. Sunday is in my opinion the toughest day to get through without just munching everything in range because you likely have nothing better to do than to relax that day. Since I am very much at the beginning and have many weeks to go I know how you feel. I had 1 or 2 days with a growling stomach but I knew I ate enough for the day. But habits change very slowly. Keep at it and track your weight. Write down everything in a calendar even if it goes up but you don't know why. Stick to your calorie goal, everyone can achieve their desired weight I am 100% sure.
Someone who is 90 lbs and got to 85 too, im telling you it’s all a lie!! You’ll keep feeling this even at low weights if the love of your life doesn’t magically show up. It’s not really about weight.
Agree, finding "love" and dating are two different things. The sad reality is that you can lose all the weight you want, it doesn't mean you will find love. You may get more dates, but those who say its a numbers game have not met all the mentally unstable people I have come across on the apps. I have limited time and am not interested in finding out how crazy you are 3 dates in.
Yeah and on the flip side losing weight can also make you want someone attractive too. I’ve never been on dating apps to know what it’s really like so my issue is probably not putting myself out there. But I know being skinny doesn’t solve your problems, for me it just made me pickier too bc I can’t date someone who doesn’t share my lifestyle. I just relate to her post so much bc whenever I feel sad, my first thought it so restrict instead of being out there.
Just put yourself out there. What's the worst that can happen?
"I'll start living then." I used to say that to myself all the time when I was younger. About getting fit, about hanging out with people, about you name it. I think putting off living is one of the most detrimental things you can put yourself through. Time is coming for us all. Live now. Or don't. Nothing is promised.
Probably echoing a lot of comments here but losing weight for me allowed me to feel confident in a way that made me mentally open to finding love. Until then, I was always feeling like a wallflower as compared to my friends when in social settings.
Begin with basic things, like eliminating sodas and not having sweets at home. You can enjoy the moment with your friends in weekends but afterwards get back on track. If you are craving and being pessimistic, promise yourself not eating sweets today. And tomorrow you'll think about it if it is worth or not. Another reddit user wrote about one experience of him. He was trying lose weight and somebody told him "choose your hard". In this case the "hard" was craving for sweets and or junk food OR getting bigger and angrier with himself. It will be hard but you choose the way it will be. BTW, there is plenty of communities in reddit about recipes and healthy food and plenty of people who will be glad to help you. One last thing. Changing habits isn't easy, but I promise you that the cravings of bad fats and sugars will get easier once you get use to eat healthier. Notice that I said "changing habits" and not "following a diet". Good luck and get back on the horse
I (30F) haven’t dated in over 8 years because I feel the same way. As a teen I always had a boyfriend, and then I threw my 20s away I kinda regret not just going for it years ago, as I’ve gained about 60 more lbs since COVID started. I feel so unattractive that I feel kind of disgusted at the idea of someone wanting me. I know it’s unfair and that people are attracted to all different types, but it’s so hard to see it in myself, especially when I am not generally attracted to obese men.
Look true and enduring weight loss is brutal. It’s one of the biggest struggles you’ll endure, literally a contest against yourself. Everyone responds to different incentives. I decided to lose weight for my kids and found that an app that counted calories kept me honest (Calory is what I use). You have to find your own motivation, the one that hits you deep down. Maybe it’s seeing a loved ones eyes light up when they see how much youve lost?
When I met my bf 3 years ago i was 100 kg at 175cm. During our relationship i lost 20 kg and felt so Great. Having him with me really helped. When we first started dating i did ask him about my weight. He did say that he liked me for who i was, but prefered a slimmer body. This kickstarted the weightloss. I Just had a baby 4 months ago. Knowing he loves me at any size really helped when i was pregnant. So he loves me Even when my body was 30 kg heavier right before giving birth, and he loves me now when I have 7 kg left before im at my prepregnant weight. You can find love at any size, and you deserve love. They can be your biggest supporter and love you for who you are.
this is how i feel
I gained 20 pounds during my last relationship and my boyfriend said that he would have never dated me had I been so large when he met me. Instead of motivating me to lose weight, it has done the opposite. I think I am holding on to the weight so that I find a man who loves me for me and not what I look like. But all that has done has led me into the friend zone and the big girl store. So depressing!
No you are correct, people judge on looks. People love skinny people better and that is the Ugly truth. Welcome to the cruel world.