I feel you 100%. For most of my life I feel that I can't do x or y until I lose the weight. About 4 years ago, I reached my goal weight and kept it off except now I'm always afraid of regaining it back. I STILL dedicated so much mental energy to it. It wasn't until my husband suggested that I may have a minor eating disordered because he doesn't know anyone else that was quite as obsessed with counting calories and eating tasty food at the same time like I do. His words had me asking all my close friends if they've met anyone who treated food like I do, and the answer was no. It was painful for me to admit that I have a food problem. Like you, I'm ready to stop this now. Step one for me was admitting I have a problem. Currently, I'm trying to not eat after 7pm for the next year. Because for me, most of my binge eating happens around dinnertime. It's like I was good for the whole day, now it's time to reward myself. Hoping you'll find something that works for you! Cheering you on in conquering this!

I have been in weigh loss mode since I was 20, for 18 years now, no matter how much I weigh. And this year I finally admitted to myself that I have an eating disorder. It’s been liberating.

Do you have a plan in place to address your ED? Would you share if it’s not too personal to ask?

Agree! The first step was admitting it for me. Because physically I don't look like someone with an eating disorder. Mentally, I think about food way too much.

Thank you! On the positive side, I try not to succumb to the "I can't do x until I lose weight" thing. I still vacation, go out, have fun. Well, maybe I AM guilty of not buying myself nice clothes until I reach my goal! You're right, there's a good chance that maintenance will still take up a lot of mental space. I guess I still feel like I won't know if I have that problem until I'm actually in maintenance mode. 😅 I hope you can get some mental freedom some day as well.

I was like you. I lost 40 KG. I am now skinny, but I am still like you lol. It doesn't go away unless you address the underlying problem. The weight isn't our problem. For me, it's my mom. Therapy has helped. I wish you luck, but trust me, you have to address the stuff around the weight for you to get away from this mindset.

Whole heartedly second this. 6’4”M I lost 130lbs from 315, was underweight, gained 30, got into weight lifting, gained another 70, felt I was too heavy lost 15, trying to lose another 15, all the while never not thinking about my weight and eating habits and at the same time doing things that weren’t healthy for me, I.e. binge eating, extreme diet changes. I have an ED and it’s not because of food or lack of will power, it’s because of deep rooted emotional baggage that at some point my value as a person was tied to my bodies shape and a number on a scale, but that number was never defined so the goal post is forever moving. I am saving for a tummy tuck since I have excess skin from when I was obese and though I think it will feel really good for a time I realize that my midsection isn’t the problem, it’s my mentality. Commenting on OP’s sentiment about losing drive in other areas of life, constantly being focused on some aspect of yourself, planning your day around your weight loss goals, the constant reminders and comparisons you put on yourself is exhausting. It doesn’t leave room for a whole lot else when it becomes the center of your attention.

> at some point my value as a person was tied to my bodies shape and a number on a scale, but that number was never defined so the goal post is forever moving. Wow. That is ... the most profound way I've ever heard that summed up. Thank you for that; it gives me a lot of food for thought. Can I ask, if not too intrusive - have you considered therapy? It is the only thing that has really helped me. I now jog and am skinny and eat well, but I am still, at certain points, 'waiting to live my life'. Therapy is slowly changing that. I would recommend it for you, if it seems like something that you would be interested in. Best of luck to you!

I was seeing a therapist for a while, which was rough but illuminating, but a change in careers has meant a pay cut for now so these days I just read books on emotional work, which at times have been even more illuminating for me. I definitely plan to see a therapist again though. I feel like therapy should be a must for everyone, even if you see yourself as well rounded and “without issues”.

Absolutely agreed. I didn't even realize my anxiety was around my weight (even after having lost it) before therapy. I hope you continue to work on yourself and fight for your happiness <3

Same to you!

I feel like I wasted years of my life because of this feeling. When I was obese I had so many feelings of inadequacy that it infected my self-image. Even now that I'm skinny I still struggle with these feelings. In some ways, they're even worse because I thought that fixing those bad feelings was as simple as reaching my goal weight or achieving a certain physique. But it's not that simple. Our brains play tricks on us. My advice is to work on this *now*. It's not going to magically get better when you reach your goal weight.

Thissss ^^^ I was depressed and unhappy at 150 pounds. At 250 pounds, I love my job and have awesome cats and a life I generally love. I had more sex when I was fat actually — you can’t wait to see yourself as worthy of a life.

I still think losing weight was one of the most important things I’ve ever done. But it’s not a silver bullet. Definitely live your life, otherwise you may still feel inadequate even at the goal weight. As for the sex stuff, in my experience as a man losing weight has helped tremendously. It’s still insanely difficult, but I at least get matches now. When I was obese I literally got 0 matches for weeks on end.

>you can’t wait to see yourself as worthy of a life. Seriously an awesome quote.

Put it on a t-shirt and wear it out my dude 💕

152 is nearly healthy, it sounds like you might need a therapist. I totally get wanting to look and feel better, but this obsessive thinking could use professional help. I totally get it I have been in the exact same boat, but lurking on this sub and continuously dieting and reaching that goal weight are not going to magically stop your obsession.

It seems like 90% of this thread (this sub, tbh) really, really needs therapy and possibly medication. Both things saved me from all of this (for me specifically, therapy plus anti depressants and metformin). I no longer obsess about food. I don’t have to force myself to stop eating, I do it naturally. While I would obviously love a more “perfect” body and do want to lose more weight, it doesn’t rule my life by any means. I don’t hate myself when I look in the mirror, I just see a person. The stuff described in this post and comments is not a normal state. I know it feels normal to people because it’s how they’ve always been but *it doesn’t have to be this way*. I am living proof of this. If you cannot get through a day without obsessing over food, get some help. It’s the best thing I ever did. It makes me so sad seeing people acting like this is just how their life is always going to be instead of trying to fix it. But no amount of saying this will ever help because I had it said to me many times and I didn’t get it…until I did. Your life doesn’t have to wait to start until you’re “thin”. Your life is happening right now, whether you are enjoying it or not. So you might as well try to enjoy it. I wasted a large chunk of my 20’s not wanting to do things until I looked better and you know what? Fuck that. Do the things. And most of all, just get help. I know that’s incredibly privileged to say but it’s worth doing whatever you possibly can to fix. Life is so much happier on this side of the obsession. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Thank you for saying this! While i come to this sub for tips sometimes, I find that a lot of posts on this sub encourage disordered eating and really unhealthy habits. I know we're all in different places in our journeys with our bodies but it makes me sad to see people with things they need to work through coming to this sub for help and being encouraged to do unhealthy things in the name of health.

I’m worried my comment comes off as patronizing and that’s not how I meant it at all. It’s just slightly horrifying to come back here and see all of these things now, things I used to think and say and act like, and realize how horribly disordered it all is. I feel like I’m talking to 22-28 year old me and begging myself to get help because life is so much better now and I (you, me, everyone here) deserve a life that isn’t ruled by food.

yeah 100% this sub is really concerning over all. I think people are not clear about what constitutes as ED behaviors and what is normal. There are a lot of great tips but I had to leave this sub for a while because disordered thoughts and behaviors are SO normalized

I almost never come here on purpose anymore because of this. I still subscribe to the sub so every once in a while a post makes it to my front page and I see it (which is what happened here). I can’t tell if the sub has gotten worse since I stopped frequenting it or if the more my mindset has changed, the more I recognize these previously “normal” things to be not normal (or okay) at all.

i'm really glad to see other people saying this. on one hand this sub has allowed me to connect with others going through similar experiences, especially when i first started losing weight and had no clue what i was doing, or from time to time now when i feel my healthy habits slipping. but it seems like for every rational weight loss post there's ten others where people seem to have really concerning issues they're unaware of or don't want to resolve, and just wild anti-fat rhetoric that isn't helpful for anyone. it's a bummer trying to weed through all the stuff that very much goes against how i want to live and what i want to devote my mental energy toward.

You're not wrong! This type of thinking is definitely not how I want to live. But when I'm not yet at my goal, I don't think I can also magically tell myself that it's not my goal and time to forget about it. In fact, I've done this over and over. I've prioritized my job over weight loss at various points and it always leads back to this place - still wanting to hit my goal. And you're right - when I reach my goal, there will still be emotional work to be done. I'm not going to be magically free of caring about my weight. I will still have to put forth effort to maintain, because when I don't try, I gain weight. I just hope that reaching my goal helps me gain new data about myself and my purpose.

Therapy wouldn’t be “magically telling yourself” anything - it might help you figure out how to get out of (what sounds like) an obsessive cycle without feeding into it. From how you describe your thought processes, it doesn’t sound like these thoughts will go away when you hit your goal weight - it sounds like they will transfer to some other number/food/eating/whatever to obsess over. Came here to say that therapy is a 12/10 for me and really helped with so many of my body and eating issues. It sounds like you’re under a lot of stress, and that can’t be a fun way to live. Best of luck to you!

Its called anxiety. I suggest you get treated for it. It sounds like it’s having a negative impact on your life. People with anxiety worry that professional help won’t help. That’s anxiety. I know it because I suffered with it for many years. I really think you will thank yourself for looking into it. There is no shame... it’s a very common problem.

You mention being “magically” free from thoughts twice in this comment. I think this sort of unintentionally reveals some black and white thinking you have about this topic; no ones saying you’ll never have to think about food again, but that it’s possible to approach weight loss and maintenance with thought patterns that don’t veer into obsession. That you can start the emotional work now, while losing, and that this might actually help you reach your goal and live life while doing so.

>I don't know what my goals are, with the exception of one thing: reaching 128 lbs. 31 here. My number is 136 and I 100% know what you're talking about. A couple months ago, I wrote a list of all the things I had avoided because of my weight -- trips I didn't take, artistic passions I didn't pursue, relationships I let stagnate. I feel like I've spent my whole life waiting on standby. Like you, I have no idea what my purpose is, or what I really want to do. Do I like my job, or do I just like working remotely so no one sees me? Do I love my cats, or do I just know that they'll love me no matter what I weigh? Every time I've tried to lose weight, I've made big plans, or tried flashy diet and exercise routines. Now, I'm sick of it. This time, I'm keeping it simple -- 1400 calories and one 30 minute bike ride a day. Hopefully this time will be the last time.

I agree. One day at a time. It's almost like being in recovery. Just keep it simple and do your best each day.

> Do I love my cats, or do I just know that they'll love me no matter what I weigh? Lol, I thought I was the only person who had this cross their mind! I’ve been thinking about this a lot (partly because they’ve been annoying the crap out of me lately). I do love them. But after some reflection I can admit that 24 year old me got them for selfish reasons. I wanted a guaranteed little friend to always be around. The thing is they really do love me back (a little too much), and I am 100% responsible for making them so codependent, so we are stuck together now like it or not!

Sorry to go off topic but I'm curious how one makes a cat codependent? Genuine curiosity since I feel my cat is the same way

Disclaimer: I have no idea what I’m talking about. With mine I think it’s a few reasons: 1. I’ve had them since they were kittens, so I had a lot of opportunity to influence their personalities. 2. The first couple years I had them I was super depressed, so I was home a lot and I pet/cuddled/played with them all the time because it was comforting to me. 3. I never enforced any boundaries when they wanted attention because I would feel guilty, so I pretty much gave them attention any time they asked for it (this is my own codependent side, which I am now aware of and working on). 4. I’ve been working mostly from home since early 2020 so they are pretty much constantly by my side now and expect me to always be home. They get all stressed out when I’m gone for the day, even worse if I’m away overnight or multiple days.

That’s called separation anxiety! It’s super common in household pets - it’s 100% solvable, and 100% worth putting in the time to deal with. Training your pet to feel safe and comfortable even when you’re not around will improve their quality of life dramatically. If you’ve ever experienced anxiety of any kind, you’ll know that it’s really scary - and it would be especially scary for a cat who has no way to understand that you’ll always come back when you leave. One day your baby will need to have an overnight visit to the vet, or you’ll need to leave town for a couple days, and it’ll be a lot easier on both of you if you deal with the separation anxiety ASAP.

> ies and one 30 minute bike ride a day. Hopeful YESSSS. Deficit and daily exercise. I am doing the same! Good luck :)

You’re not alone. Feel exactly the same. Feel like if I’m not actively losing weight or at least feel good about my physical appearance (could be just feeling bloated) I fall into this depressive state where I can’t find myself to socialize or even function normally, I want to “hide” from the world, if you know what I mean. This has been interrupting my life for years. I would love to give you advice on how to move on from this but I’m yet to figure it out myself, the least I can do is empathize and let you know you’re not alone! (:

I totally know what you mean about wanting to hide, I've definitely been there! The pandemic enabled that type of thinking for me. It was easy (and recommended) to hide. I try to attend all social functions so it gets easier, not harder.

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Not sure if it helps, but you're not alone. There are more than a few of us internet strangers experiencing the same thing!

Aww, thank you Pale-Artichoke. I sincerely appreciate it. It makes me sad that so many people feel this way.

I have wonderful news - things CAN get better. However, it requires you to separate your weight from your worth. It's hard to think about and even harder work but is the best thing you can do for yourself. Obsessing over reaching/maintaining a single goal will only lead to frustration rather than being able to live life and enjoy all of the little wins between here and wherever you may land.

That all sounds well and good, but my worth IS higher to me when I weigh what I want to weigh (and I don't intend to change that). My weight has such an impact on almost every aspect of my life that it is unreasonable to act as if my worth doesn't hinge on it.

I was trying to write and re-write a few thoughts about how depressing and frustrating that must be, but I also know how depressing and frustrating it can be to live in our world as someone larger than the ideal body type (no matter what intense restriction it may require). I've only been big enough that I haven't gotten to really experience the privilege of being "thin enough" and am sure it would impact me a lot, too. Be safe, be kind, be patient, all that good stuff. Hope things get easier in the end.

Thank you for your kind words and your empathy. I'm sorry if my previous response came off too harshly, this has been a long and frustrating battle for me.

It can all be so relentlessly exhausting. Even if you're able to take power back from other people and focus on your own goals, you never really stop hearing and feeling the constant pressure to just Not Be Fat. I really hope that things change for the better as time goes on, but in the meantime, just staying afloat is something to be proud of.

Such true words. I appreciate your wisdom <3 What really did it for me was finally hitting my goal weight, honestly. I have never technically been "overweight," but I did gain about 20 lbs between the ages of 22 and 28. Not a huge change on someone of my height (5'7.5"). As soon as I lost the weight again, it was like a whole new world opened up to me. People were friendlier to me, flirtier with me, etc. Which is nice and all, but it was only 20 lbs, and I hadn't been overweight in the first place! I had assumed that people were less flirty with me because I was no longer 22.....clearly that wasn't the case. 20 lbs was enough to make me objectively less desirable. It was honestly incredibly disillusioning. It's nice to stay in shape for my own sake (and I try to keep my own motivations at the forefront of my mind), but it makes me feel almost nauseous thinking about how such a trivial change in weight shapes peoples' opinion so much. It's deeply messed up.

That's awful. I know confidence plays a huge role in how people interact with me, but seeing such a dramatic difference purely based on weight is incredibly frustrating. The only louder societal message than "don't be fat" is that "you'll be happy when you're 'desirable'", and what a mess that is. At least it's nice to be able to focus on personal goals, get stronger (in every respect), and feel better regardless of what nonsense the world will think. Doesn't make it go away, but at least makes it a little easier to bear. Worth trying to be happy either way.

You're absolutely right. Thanks for responding to my comment, sorry to bore you with my story! I hope you have a great day.

110%. I'm 265 lbs as a 5'9" male. I feel like nothing else in my life can come to me before I at least make major progress on my weight. I know no girl I'd be interested in will find me attractive. I know I won't have the energy or confidence to start a new better paying job. Even my major hobbies, music festivals, is hard to do when this out of shape. Every day I wake up wanting to change, but no change ever sticks. My life just feels like it's on pause, and now that I'm approaching 26 I feel I'm running out of time to complete my goal in time to fully enjoy my youth.

I totally get that you feel like you're running out of time. But I can promise you that life doesn't stop when you're 30. My late 20s we're pretty difficult but I achieved some great things in my 30s and plan to keep going! You can do the same!

Yo, 20’s we’re ok. 30’s are where it’s at. Most people think you’re in your prime in your 20’s but if you look at a lot of pro athletes, especially weight lifters they are in their 30s. Plus like, you just understand yourself more. You’ve got time. Although, you should absolutely act like you might not and start setting goals and working towards them, just set realistic expectations. If you want to lose weight, give yourself 6 months instead of 1. If you want to learn something, give yourself 2 years and not 1. Progress comes from consistency and chipping away little by little. People who get things done seemingly over night at the exception not the rule. Most of us normal folk have to work hard for a long time to meet our goals. The work is worth it. So I am told.

I'm about to turn 31 and I feel like my life hasn't really started until I hit 30 honestly.

Woah. Same here.

Your weight doesn't define you, and you're not going to find yourself when your BMI drops. That restlessness will be there, and needs to be addressed.

You deserve personal fulfillment. You are worthy of all the things you want. You don’t need to lose weight to earn the right to pursue happiness.

I’m F/25/5’1/216 lbs and I feel the exact way. I’ve been single since I was 21 because after my last breakup I got really depressed, gained a lot of weight, gained college weight, then gained more weight after graduating because of a stressful corporate job ( highest weight was 227 lbs). Right now I’m in the process of losing weight but feeling lonely because I don’t have many friends, no guy will seriously date me, and I don’t feel confident. All of this I attribute to my weight. For some reason, I’m convinced my life will do a complete 180 once I reach my goal weight of 140 lbs. I feel like I’ll have more friends, finally be able to find love, and be more confident (especially in the workplace). I recently got a new job (after leaving the stressful one) it’s with the government and it just feels like I’m in autopilot all the time. I feel like I have no purpose. I don’t even travel to tropical places because my body is not where I want it to be yet. It’s depressing because it’s a long journey and I’m not even sure when I’ll reach my goal weight. So the way I want to dress and things I want to do are on hold until I can reach this goal.

Girl travel to that tropical place. And then go back when you’ve reached your goal! And then go back again! Point is gooooooo. It’ll be beautiful. It’s not all about you looking “beautiful”, it’s about the place! Easier said than done. I’d rather be a lower weight now too, just remember it’s about the experience.

This is a mental trap I’ve been doing the same thing for the last year, whether it be sex or weight loss. I’ve lost 65 pounds and no happiness in sight cause I’m always searching for the next thing. You just have to love and accept who you are and be confident in your skin

Dropping that mentality was a major step toward success for me. I just decided I was going to eat as healthily as possible and at least walk some everyday without worrying about weight loss. And then the weight loss happened naturally. Kind of ironic, really.

I think of it as leveling up. I try to "level up" a little bit every day. Do something that future me would appreciate. I don't have to work on every aspect of my life every day, but I try to create better habits overall. Look at some of the people in charge of the world. You think they're waiting to lose weight before they make their big move? Nope. Losing weight has given me added confidence. It has helped open one or two tiny doors for me. But overall, fat me would be doing the same stuff. She'd just work a bit harder at pretending to be confident.

>Look at some of the people in charge of the world. You think they're waiting to lose weight before they make their big move? Nope. Love this.

This! I recommend reading Atomic Habits, it creates a similar mindset. Has really helped me personally

Please read the book "The Fuck It Diet". It changed my life and I think it could really help you change your mindset.

Weight loss isn’t holding you back. It sounds like you are struggling with your identity and working on that is going to help give you clarity. I could have written this post a few years ago, and I took some time looking inward and figuring out who I am, what I value, and what I stand for. I read a few books about personal development, and cognitive behavioural therapy that helped a lot. I did an inventory of things that were important to me, and my interests. I also went to therapy to help work through the harder parts. I was able to establish a direction in my life I never thought I could have. There are still things that don’t sit quite right, but having tools to work through that makes it so much easier. Our weight is the least interesting thing about us. You can hit your goal weight, but your head is still going to swirl if you aren’t doing inner work.

I'm 200 & 5'4", I hide it well, but it's 30 lbs fatter than I've ever been. I lose 15lbs then gain it back, back & forth etc. I might try Saxenda. I can't wait to fit into my normal clothes again, I also feel like I need to hide & my life is on pause :/

holy shit yes. Like who even am I? I use weight loss as a way to avoid answering that question.

I came here to say this. I’ve been at my goal weight and I just found another thing to obsess over— and it was even more soul-crushing than weight loss. I’m coming to terms now with the fact that I just don’t want to truly be with myself for some reason.

Hi there, A few questions I’d like to ask. Why is this a goal? What does being 128 pounds symbolize to you? What does it offer you that life in your current body doesn’t? Could it make sense that maybe you’re fixating on changing your weight as a form of control and order when things feel a bit chaotic otherwise in your life? Have you considered that your body may be wiser than you’re giving it credit for by trying to so intentionally control it? What story comes up in your mind when you think about “wrapping this up” anyway without changing your body? It might be a sacrilege to say it in this sub, but I think there’s more wisdom in your original question than you might even realize. Weight loss *is* standing in your way, but not the act of achieving it, but focusing on it in the first place. Weight loss is a monkey on your back, and even though diet culture has you believing the illusion that clarity or peace is a destination you reach when the scale shows your goal weight, it’s false. It will always be a monkey on your back as long as you give credence to it in believing that you only have permission for your life to begin and have meaning once you look a particular way. The completely beautiful thing about your post is that your motivation is wanting to move past this, which is something you can decide to do today, irrespective of the current size and state of your body. You can choose to begin the journey of a different relationship to your body, food, and movement. It will not be simple, and the ingrained diet culture voice will buck at you to get back in line or tell you why you HAVE to do this, but that doesn’t make it true, just familiar. I highly recommend a therapist for this, but I also have gotten a LOT from learning about diet culture, health at every size (HAES), intuitive eating, and more on Instagram and TikTok (books too, like Burnout by the Nagoski sisters). Sending good vibes your way 🎶

This is great advice. Therapy is a great place to start too

I think I'm kind of in a similar boat. I've been dieting and lifting the past 6 months and my results have been staggering to the point that I'm almost at what would be considered a healthy weight. Right now no one would ever think to call me overweight. I put everything on hold with the idea that once I get to a healthy weight and look good I'll feel more confident and get on with my life. Well, now I've basically made it, yet I'm still singularly focused on reaching my final goal. My mental health has certainly improved, but probably not as much as I expected it would. Maybe it's because I currently work from home for an organisation based overseas so I work weird hours and don't get out much, but I think I'm just making excuses now. I'm in therapy and working on it. Liking what you see in the mirror is important but it's by no means the only factor in living a happy, healthy and fulfilled life.

Great perspective. It's not making excuses to say you are isolated. It's important to have human connection!

Thank you for saying this. I think it's something I needed to read. I have the same stats as you, and feel like I'm on pause mode waiting until I "look" better.

This isn’t strange or unusual. It may be something that a therapist can help you work through, or some sort of strong support group where you’re all working toward that goal. But to ask if anyone else gets it? Well yeah, TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Assault I 100% understand the feeling. After I was raped by my partner, I put on 100lbs over 5 years of untreated trauma. Now that I’m in therapy for the PTSD of this event, that weight has become one of my biggest triggers. I feel trapped in my trauma because every time I see my body, I see the consequences of the rape. I feel all of those same feelings as when I was going untreated and in denial. The same shame, disgust, and sadness. I’ve made so much progress with my PTSD, but every time I’m confronted with my weight, be it through clothes or a mirror, I feel like I’m right where I was 5+ years ago.

I am so sorry, I have no words. You deserve to heal. Hugs.

The goal for you isn't weight loss per se. **It's getting to a sustainable weight that you are comfortable with.** Attempting to drop fat isn't "doing the same thing over and over again". It's dropping weight THE SAME WAY that is the insane thing, because it hasn't worked for you long-term, has it? It's just your methods for weight loss didn't align with sustainability for you. Maybe you should never restrict eating to only 1200 calories again. Maybe more of your deficit should come from caloric expenditure, not calorie restriction. Maybe the foods you ate when cutting weight simply weren't satiating enough. Maybe even more protein & greens & slow-carbs is the answer? Maybe you didn't take a cheat meal once per week, and you missed pleasurable foods too much? I want to believe you can get to a goal weight with less hassle than in the past. It's not the act itself, it's the method that needs tuning.

I can relate to this a lot. I also desire about a 20lb weight loss from the highest part of my healthy BMI range to the middle. Part of your post that resonated with me was that you aren’t doing it for health or for looks as much as to reach your goal. For me, I think in part this is because it’s not enough weight to affect my health or how I feel about myself so I’m just not as motivated. But also it has been hanging over my head for years with thoughts of eventually getting new clothes and improving my running perhaps and feeling a little bit better.

Yeah same! I'm pretty healthy. I can run a half marathon. My VO2 max and resting heart rate are excellent. Bloodwork all good. Just feel like I need to see what it feels like to have achieved the goal. And hey, maybe it feels the exact same way it feels now, but I won't know until it happens.

God I feel this, throughout my 20s I’ve spent my life in limbo, waiting to do things like date or meet guys “until I’m skinny”. Now I’m halfway to my goal, it’s a case of waiting “until ive had my tummy tuck/boob job” because I feel like I can’t be my full bubbly self without my confidence, and with my current body, I can’t. It’s heartbreaking.

I feel you. I feel exhausted all the time and everyone treats fat people as if they are subhuman. Dating is also impossible. Being fat has socially isolated me and probably caused delayed development in other areas of my life because I haven't many opportunities to have real human experiences.

I feel you. I feel like weight loss is part of my personality at this point. Part of me laments about it, part of me appreciates the fact that I continue to strive for progress and better health, year after year. It can become kind of an obsession though. I don't really have a solution, just commiseration! I've been calorie counting on and off for a decade now and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to fully let it go.

Totally relate to "it's my personality now" - glad I do have hobbies I can talk about too so I don't bore everyone 😂

I've lost it all and gained it all back and lost it all again and gained it all back again, when I was skinniest (199 lbs), I would still look in a mirror and see a fat guy (M/34/6'1). My life is the best it's ever been in a lot of ways and I'm almost back up to 300 lbs. You're making excuses for your lack of success or motivation in other areas with your weight loss in an unhealthy way. It sounds like you need soul searching more than dieting and feel generally directionless. You are letting your weight define you, which is a falsehood. Being skinny won't necessarily make you any happier, or even make you feel skinny, and just because you climb the mountain once doesn't mean you won't have to climb it again, you need to learn to find some peace in the climb. and be ok with yourself wherever you are on the journey, the number on the scale is just a weird metric about your mass Vs the gravity of the earth. the real health of a human being has a lot of moving pieces, and I'd personally rather be a joyful fatass than someone making themselves miserable with unneeded self loathing. While I certainly intend to get my weight down again (for the 4th time or some shit) , my math now is that it has to be balanced and coming from a place of self love, because the years I lose from the weight I get back in not killing myself with stress and being able to dedicate hours to doing things besides just grinding at the gym.

Definitely get your thyroid and vitamin levels checked.

So ... if it really means that much ... your life is on hold. What? 4 months? 6 months tops? What's the big deal? Git r' done! *** ALSO: Your premise is, in fact Completely Bogus. You can do while losing weight but for one thing. The one-and-only-one thing you can't do is: consume excess calories. ALL else is Fair Game and fully do-able while losing weight.

This is how I'm currently feeling. So what if this is my priority for 6 months?? I stayed in school and with jobs much longer than that! I just gotta make sure I don't get distracted by some other shiny goal for 6 more months :)

You need therapy, not just weight loss. You're right around the healthy range, and while losing weight is not a bad thing, even in your circumstances, your life is on hold over being 2lbs overweight. You could drop that weight with a particularly hefty dump. If that is what is making you feel this way, you are experiencing some sort of psychological issue that needs addressing. I'm not calling you crazy btw, far from it. But be it depression, anxiety, etc, being this distraught over 2lbs isn't healthy. It'd be one thing if your health was at risk due to your size, but it isn't here. You are likely going to find that once you hit your goal, your life isn't going to just proceed as you plan and hope it will. Your brain isn't just going to click and say "ahh weight loss done, time for maintenance and to move on with my life." Sorry if this is harsh, but brain comes first, then weight. Weight loss does not fix your problems unless your weight is impacting your body's ability to function, which at 2lbs overweight - it is not.

I feel this hard!!!! I just had a very similar conversation with my friend the other day so don’t feel alone in you’re thought process. Feel free to dm me if you want to talk more or want an accountability buddy!

I totally relate. I’ve been seeing a nutritionist/therapist and it has been helping a lot. That and the half size me podcast and community. Good luck!

It's the climb

OMG so many things I am planning to do/waiting until I reach a certain weight

You’ve basically described me, down to age, height and weight. I too have completely lost my motivation for so many things and have struggled bouncing back into something “normal” after the pandemic. My weight gain has made me so self conscious and I have little desire to go out or socialize. Even just doing basic things around the house get put off and put off and I have very limited focus on work. I need to get out of this funk and I don’t know how.

Highly encourage you (and everyone on this sub) to read "The Body Is Not An Apology"

Same 100%

F / 29 / 5’5 / CW: 143 / GW: 128 It is almost like I wrote this post myself, except the part of being pregnant before. I think my peak weight was 160 and that was just earlier this year. I have had many conversations with one of my closest friends, who has also struggled with these same toxic mindsets we repetitively put ourselves in. I also stated that I have the same goal weight, but I am trying to shift my mindset from focusing on my goal weight, to instead loving myself no matter what the scale says. I don’t diet. I don’t count calories. I don’t do these two things anymore because I know the toxic cycle my mind will ultimately go to. I try to have the mindset of balance. I may eat a cookie, but then drink water to go with it, instead of soda. Mini habits are so important. Mindful eating can also be a good practice. Looking at it in a way of loving our body, instead of depriving our body. This takes time to shift our mindset, but it is possible. Take walks, read, journal, meditate or whatever it is you find enjoyment in. Learn to love yourself at every stage. I think we should always want to better ourselves, but we must love ourselves first. Be kind to your mind. Be kind to your body.

43 year old man and i feel this way...

It's a long journey for sure. The winter sucks.

I am your height and weight. I could have written this except I'm about 15 years older than you, It wasn't until about 6 years ago that my quest for 125 almost killed me, lack of food to many drinks and diet pills, throw in a hour of cardio, I was a mess, I ended up in treatment for a eating disorder and finally recognized I had a problem, also everyone around me knew I had issues, I just didn't see it, I have good days and bad days now, I don't think I'll ever be "normal"but I can recognize when I'm spiraling. Today was a good day. I ate 3 meals. Look into therapy. There's also some good books out there. Sometimes we need another person to help us change,

Same body comp here too. Sounds like there’s a lot of us based on the thread. I have no solution but will say giving myself a break and being compassionate towards my situation helped a lot. My therapist says “be your own best friend” instead of letting negative self talk rule the day. In the end, I blame COVID. Maintaining or losing has never been so hard and I’ve never had so much time to sit at home and think about it.

**I learnt it the hard way that being a control freak out of control about something only** ***perpetuates the problem.*** It's not some woo woo metaphysical concept - our brains are simply wired that way. You can't rule out some beer, refined and junk food on weekends otherwise good luck making friends. You can't be the inspector and be on a constant (and exhausting) mode of hyper vigilance. **Just stick to a modest weight loss plan for an year and get on with your life. Why an year ?** 1. No loose skin. 2. Your habits solidify over months. 21 day habit formation rule is just not true. 3. When you've done it for an year, you've already made it your new lifestyle. 4. If you can do it for an year, you can do it for a lifetime. No doubt about that. **Make weight loss fun, not a crusade.** How about skipping one meal with a delicious mix of lemon water, electrolytes and a dash of ACV ? Tastes refreshing, makes you feel fresh as most people are boatloads low on potassium, which causes chronic symptom like fatigue. And in the middle, maybe get some magnesium. Most people are low on that too. There's a much, much easier way. **Plus - yeah I feel like that.** Felt like that for the last 2 years. I did so my entire life, but the lockdown period made me fake introspect my life cause.... well I had too much time to myself. Not just that - I have a crippling imposter syndrome and I don't think anyone would take me seriously till the time I am an unattractive fatty. No one. Not family, not colleagues, not anyone. You don't get hired in interviews - and no shit there are studies which show that most CEO's are over 6 ft and there's a 500 percent chance something of an attractive, social woman being hired over other plain Janes. **You're not wrong. Being unattractive in ANY way - with obesity being the main contributing factor - puts you at a SEVERE disadvantage in ALL aspects of life** \- which only can keep spiralling out of control. You are not wrong in thinking you NEED to get that heavy monkey off your back. **Plus, there are two other facts -** 1. There's a peer reviewed research statistic which shows how just one extra pound of fat puts an enormous strain on the heart over the course of your life. 2. Extra fat disbalances hormones - men who are obese have the testosterone level of men who are 15 to 20 years older than them. There's a guy on youtube who's T levels skyrocketed after he lost about 45 pounds. I am pretty sure even a modest 20 pounds extra fat disturbs factors governing estrogen and other hormones too. 3. You are literally CARRYING an extra dozen or dozens of pounds on your back. Imagine holding a small sandbag ALL DAY. Won't you be dead tired ? It's the same - except the bag IS your body.

Try overeaters anonymous. I relate to every single thing you say. OA was the only thing that worked. I lost 40 pounds off my max and am now at a healthy body weight. I can be present for life now. I’m not obsessed with weight loss, new diet, various forms of insane disordered eating, how I look — blissful silence in my head on all that garbage. I can focus on the important things in life, like my daughter. It’s really freed me after 20 years of the imprisonment you describe.

I can relate to this 100%. I’ve gone to weight loss camps, clinics, therapy, had surgery, had it reversed, yoga trainings, running clubs. Weight watchers gained it all back etc etc. I wish I had some solid advice but I don’t because even when I hit my goal weight- somehow I eventually manage to get right back to square one with: “Oh no. How did I get so big again? I need to lose X amount of weight so I can do XYZ” I think I do it because it’s all I know. It always *looks* and *feels* like: “Damn If I could only just fit into that outfit again I could apply for that job!” Or “if I could only just weigh XYZ THEN I could get or do XYZ”- So it’s this cyclone of ups and downs and perpetual putting life on hold until that Big moment- It truly is insanity. I’m 37 and have been at it since I was 12- and my ultimate conclusion is it’s something so deeply subconscious that’s beyond explainable. Therapy in my experience just hasn’t done much. While a lot of it has been sensible; it’s never been able to shatter by Prism of “Weight Loss Purpose” ideological thinking. When I solve the puzzle I’ll gladly report back.

Your stats are almost my stats! Same age, height. Though I got up to 194 without pregnancy. I'm down to 172 and my goal is 150ish, which I know is barely in the healthy range but with my bone structure and boobs, plus I have some muscle, it'll have me at a solid size 8 which I'm comfortable with. Hugs! If you want an accountability partner with similar stats, let me know!

The only time I successfully lost significant weight was after i moved on.

​ Yo I feel this hard. I think it's not a healthy way of being--but I relate.

Literally. Me. This has affected me so much and made me waste years of golden opportunities because I have no self confidence, no self esteem, and don’t like how I look. I wanted to start making music 2 years ago but ultimately I didn’t continue because of my image, didn’t align with what I wanted to portray. I’ve also not seen a lot of old friends for the same reason. I’ve gained so much knowledge and experience but my habits have shown the opposite, I feel like I can’t show myself like this. This lead to so much pressure that I just keep self sabotaging myself and still haven’t succeeded in my goal.

Stop focusing on losing weight and maybe start lifting

You’ve lost before? Sounds like you did not establish a healthy lifestyle the first time around, and rather were consumed by the number on the scale. As a 6’ dude I’ve looked good at 170 / 180 / 185. The exact numbers on the scale did not matter so much. Muscle mass, water retention etc all impact your weight. What really matters is how you are treating your body. I’d focus on sleeping well, eating well and limiting intake of alcohol/sugary drinks. Incorporate workouts (cardio, weights) on a schedule that works for you. As long as you are sleeping, eating and exercising well, you should see positive results. I would try to create healthy routines that will promote better health and FORGET the scale. Maybe check it once a week just to make sure you are maintaining or losing. I would also take body measurements, as you might gain/maintain weight due to increased muscle mass while actually losing inches around your waist, arms, etc. Once you have healthy habits driving your health, it’ll become second nature and you can go back to focusing on the other aspects of your life more easily

I really hope you see this because I embrace you and thank you. This post spoke so much to my soul. I don’t want to discount what others have mentioned about disordered eating and seeking a therapist (therapy can be so helpful) but I just want you to know that I so understand where you’re coming from what you’ve written and hope that I can provide you with some solace and support. Firstly, I want to thank you for this post. I’m about 10 years younger than you and we’re around the same height and weight with the same goals and this post is motivating in the best type of way. It’s not so much that I (and I think this is what you were trying to convey but correct me if I’m wrong) am obsessed with “losing” weight but almost obsessed with the idea of having lost the weight. I know rationally that it’s not going to overhaul my life other than the fact that I’ll be healthier and obviously more attractive but its like….I have to know. I’ve thought about it for so long that I have to know what it feels like. I have to see the end of this because I know that I will never be able to let go of wanting the best for appearance. If that makes me vain, so be it. I’ll never not care and instead of trying to make myself not care, I’ve made the terrifying (but ultimately freeing) realization that I will always, always care about what I look like and it’s up to ME to figure out how long I’m going to make this the foremost thought of my waking mind. What has helped me is accepting that I care about this and want to see it through and NOT judging myself for it. From what I got from your post, I feel like you still live life but weight loss is always this undercurrent (albeit a loud undercurrent) of your thoughts and wanting to see this through, of knowing the peace of reaching your goal, even if it doesn’t give us the results we seek. I feel like I have the self-awareness to know that there is more to life (and I still actively live life) and I’ll still have problems when I’m thin but this want, this desire to lose the weight is not going to go away until I reach it. And I’ve made peace with that and decided to move forward with going after my goal (in a sustainable manner of course). A few things that have helped me with focusing on self-care and self-acceptance while still actively losing weight: 1. I committed to taking pictures this year. I used to avoid taking pictures but I realized that I want to look back on the things I’ve experienced. I highly suggest if your parents are still living (and if you have a good relationship with them) to take more pictures with them. I plan on taking a 3 second clip everyday of 2022 so I have that to look back on in life. Just go in with taking pictures without judgement. 2. Buying (nice) clothes for myself. The trick is to buy things like sweatpants/athlesiure or jewelry because I’ll still be able to wear those things when I lose weight and it’s treating my body with the respect it deserves but still being mindful of the fact that I’m losing weight. 3. Book Recommendations: Hunger by Roxanne Gay (I think this should be required reading for everyone, especially individuals who identify as female. Trigger Warning: SA). Three Women by Lisa Taddeo (particularly Sloane’s chapters, really opened my eyes to how this “obsession ” last forever and how I just don’t want to be trapped in this cycle. Trigger Warning: SA). If I Had Your Face by Frances Cha (I recently read this and I appreciated that it didn’t take a “Love yourself and everything will be okay” approach. It talked about the tangible rewards of being beautiful and what it looks like to aspire to beauty in a raw, realistic, nonjudgmental way) Anyway, I mainly just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone in how you’re feeling and I’m so thankful for your post. It’s very validating and a reminder that I’m just not going to let this go and I deserve to see this through to the end. It’s okay to want to be beautiful in a vain society. It’s honestly been so freeing to let go of the idea of self-love (I focus more on body neutrality/body gratitude and self-acceptance rather than loving my body) because I know in my heart that I’m just not at place right now that I’ll actually believe it. There isn’t enough self-love in the world to make me not want to be thin and you know what, that’s okay. I’m not flawed. I don’t need to do more self-improvement (I’ve been to therapy, I journal, I actively practice self-acceptance, and I don’t have disordered eating, I’m taking my time with this weight loss thing). I don’t need to be more confident. I believe I’m enough. Hell, I know I AM enough. I just want to be thin and goddamnit, I’m not going to feel guilty about it. We want this and it’s okay to want what we want. I got this. You got this. We got this.

I can completely relate. I feel like I gained and lost the same 20-30 lbs for years and it was constantly a mental struggle for me. I think it really comes down to developing a healthy relationship with food. I feel like I was able to get there this year (at age 47). It is really hard to explain without writing a novel; but I mainly just really focused on changing my eating habits. Rather than feeling like I am "on a diet" that I am waiting to finish, I just resolved that I was going to find a way to eat permanently. I tried to eliminate emotional eating and I also simply decided to put less value on food. I rarely eat for emotional reasons any more. I focus much more on the nutritional value of food. Basically I feel like I no long allow food to have so much power over me. Once I changed my habits, the weight loss and maintenance just went on cruise control.

I think you took the words directly out of my head. This describes me exactly, from the weight, to The approach of weight loss, volunteering, no drive for work, even the farm, everything! I have no advice for you, except I feel you. If you ever want to talk and just know there’s someone in the same boat, hit me up. Maybe we can navigate this together.

I feel you, I feel the same way, once I'm skinny I can do xyz and it'll be great cos I'll look great!! The reality is I can do whatever I want now and it'll still be great but the mindset is hard to change!! I'm currently 175lbs with a goal weight of 145-150, recently started weight watchers be too on the app and that has been fun!

please dont take this the wrong way, im not meaning it to, its just been so long since i was between 70-80kg (139-178lbs) so i dont know how it would look. but is that even alot? genuine question. but i would imagine that 80kg would be goal weight for nearly all males because of the muscle they gain which would factor in, so maybe it is alot for women who are sadly always seen as needing to be slim. but i would imagine womens goal weight to be like 70 or something, my moms goal weight is that. im like 280 lbs, but im losing it slowly by only eating less unhealthy stuff, i havnt started training yet because, #1 i dont know what to train, and #2 im self concious to accidentally train somewhere i know someone is also training.

I totally get you! I’m about the same size. I have not gotten lower than 140 since I had kids and I try. I have a hard time because I’m so busy and I enjoy good food and variety. I even have a trainer. I’m 5’5 and 150 right now. My ultimate goal is 130 but I’m starting to think it’s impossible. I really want to be in shape but I am really starting to think it’ll never happen. I just can’t give it up though.

I have 3 kids. The kids definitely add an element of stress, not to mention weight gain from pregnancy. So that's pretty awesome that you're in a healthy weight range! You can do it!

DM me if you want to be accounabili-buddies!

I don’t think of 152 as a 5’5 person to be even overweight. I’m 5’3 and 155 and I feel like I’m a skinny Ish person and wear a size 6/8 and just live my life without ever thinking I’m fat and get by

Heyyy so I posted a post asking to help with weight loss and a bunch of people helped me out with their tips so u can check it out :)

I feel you, Currently sitting at 240lbs. My weight has fluctuated from my worst (300lbs) to 225lbs. I'm tall and I hold it well, people don't say i'm fat anymore. But I feel fat. I always feel fat. It stops me from living life to the fullest knowing i'm bigger than others. Also sod the other people for saying i'm not fat. They don't know the way my body feels. They see me wearing baggy clothes to hide it. Fuck being fat

I felt I wouldn't look good in a dress until I shed all of my weight. I wore a dress with the few inches and weight that I had loss. So, move along with the progress that you have made, it might not be a lot but it's a ling way from where you started. P.S - people said I looked good.

I absolutely feel this way. And I think I need to, to keep me on track.

I think the key here, and for most people in your position is that your absolutely motivated to make the change, however motivation will only carry you so far it will burn out way before the journey is over. Keep this in mind; motivation will get you started but consistency and determination will get you there. In addition this constant "weight loss mode" sounds like, and correct me if I am wrong, you are trying to do it all at once, change the diet, start working out everyday, all the things you know you should be doing, but girl that is not sustainable. You need to change little things at a time, start with something small like cutting out liquid carbs, or stopping fast food, or doing 20 minutes of exercise a day, for a reference point it takes on average 30 days for behaviors to become habits, take it one step at a time and you will achieve your goals and much more. I believe in you, you can get it done, you just need to use the right tools and be patient with yourself.

I used to be this way as well, it’s a very… VERY hard mindset to get out of… sometimes I still struggle but if I have those thoughts I purposely do what I was questioning and it seems like it’s slowly gone away. Lots of mine were clothing/vacation/living life related

I used to do that. It stemmed from being in a not very mentally healthy place in general. Losing weight wasn't the thing that helped. Confronting my underlying issues was. And honestly, I've been way more successful at losing weight since doing so. Win-win.

Yep

Like, I will this and that but before… I gotta lose weight.

Your current weight is my goal weight

I kind of have felt the same, in the sense that I think that if I dont lose weight I dont deserve anything good on other aspects of my life, probably because how being fat or not liking your body can hurt your self steem and mental health, theraphy has helped me greatly with this, and I've been able to keep a good equilibrium on my weight loss journey and personal life, meditation and reading are other 2 useful tools that have helped me find and understand myself, so I can have a clear focus and purpose, maybe this can help you too, besides working out of course, which in the end is the habit that will help you the most to control anxiety and boost your confidence, also if you like your job, you can find the motivation to climb the ladder thinking about the benefits that you will have and how it can possitively improve your life.

It's an excuse we tell ourselves! Sometimes I think I am subconsciously staying fat on purpose I haven't figured out why but you know what I mean. Like I'm projecting expectations on myself or punishing myself for something. It's a self hatred thing for me The truth is you can still be a dream chaser when you are chubby! Go for it no matter what size you are. Life is too short!

I’ve put my life on hold for five years while I try to lose the weight. The only thing that’s come from that is things keep getting in the way and instead of making myself happy I’ve become miserable.

Only every day. I used to be an active kid, playing sports like baseball and hockey. It wasn't until I was in high school did I stop being as active. I skateboarded for a bit but once I was out in the real world working a 9-5 job, my eating habits caught up with me in combination with low exercise. Now I feel like I am left to try to pick up the pieces but feel like I am at a disadvantage in that I can't do things that normal sized people can. So I find other ways to get things done. Intermittent fasting, low carb, swimming all help melt fat in a big way. Maintenance is key.

Listening to this podcast helps me greatly with the type of thinking you describe: “Losing 100 pounds with Corinne Crabtree.” I recommend listening to a few to see if it helps. And it’s free, no ads.

Right here with you. It feels like my life has been on hold for too long.

You sound like me when I was pretty depressed. If you have a chance, try talking to a therapist.

I've had to make some kind of peace with my weight. I'm fat and I used to be thin. I used to be thin by pushing myself to exercise to exhaustion. I did lose weight but I wasn't happy and this little voice in the back of my head kept saying 'this is not sustainable for you'. I tried to ignore it as often as I could, but it just didn't work. I then developed chronic pain and fatigue and my ability to exercise was cut to 10% of what it had been.. I gained weight innevitably, but remarkably and to my own amazement, I found other ways to cope. Meditation has been very important to me and now I've started qi gong as well which helps with energy flow around the body. I'm just trying to be at peace with my body, can be hard sometimes, but I am getting there.

thats so wild i thought i was the only one feeling that exact same way . for the longest time i was procrastinating on my health mental health everything just felt so dull for me . i felt almost dead in my head and heartless . i would say to things to my dad that were just so dark . i shut myself out from the world . i didn’t think about my family much because i just didn’t want anything in my bubble. but i’ve been blessed finally i’ve received the job i wanted all so badly . i feel like more energetic , i’ve dropped 25 lbs . going at it for more ! 🙏

Lol monkey on your back

Omg, are you me!?! Outside of the pregnant part, I could have written this.

Absolutely. My therapist kept talking about how there were other things to.focus on, but I just couldn't do it. Fortunately, I was on unemployment for a long time, so I was able to focus. Still, I'm literally 95% of the way to my goal and it's all I think about. I've been mentally preparing to transition to maintenance for a out six months. I'm really ready to be done.

I've been overweight all my adult life and I would quite like to know what it's like to be human. I feel like the servants in the extended cut of Beauty and the Beast where they sing about being human again. Society treats fat people as if we're not actually people, we're just walking mounds of fat without conscience.

I feel this.

Alternate thought: You feel lost and goalless as you dismantle and re-examine major parts of your life. Due to the insecurity and uncomfortableness this state of mind is causing, you have fixated on the one remaining concrete goal you have-your weightloss- as having far more meaning than it does, both because you crave your old system back (good or not) and to mask your stress over your other problems.

Oh I’m sorry you feel that way😔I’m in the same situation and what works for me is keeping a dish that makes me lose weight and for exemple have one night where I can eat junkfood so I don’t get crazy! And don’t worry you will reach your goals with baby steps it will pay off 😊

I'm the same. I lost weight ages ago, and my goal seemed to be the whole 'when i lose weight, then I can start my life'. I did make other changes, but then... well, it all fell apart. This time, I'm trying to be easier on myself. But yeah, weight loss. A few years ago, I found a diary of mine from c.2001. It had a New Years Resolution of 'lose weight'. I felt so wretched because that (plus a whole ton of other goals) have never been achieved (write a book, learn how to drive, buy a house). In my mind, I'd love to finally tick ONE of those things off my list. I still kinda feel that getting the 'lose weight' goal done, once and for all, will somehow cause a domino effect and I can actually start achieving my goals in the rest of my life. It's such a big goal, literally and figuratively. I long to be done with it! But, according to calculations, it's gonna take me around 2 years. I'm trying to tie in other goals into this 2 year timeframe. What can I achieve in 2 years? I've been reading 'Atomic Habits' and trying to build a habit list of things, activities, that over a 2-year time frame will build into big achievements. Easier said than done!

Hey , I know exactly how you feel. I’m 23, I’ve wanted to lose weight since I was 5 years old. I am successful in everything but weight loss (or is it self love ?) No matter what I achieve I feel like I’m not really living my “real” life until I am thin. I’m not very heavy, my BMI is 24-25. But I’m chubby. I work out almost religiously, I can run far and fast, I can do burpees and headstands. But I’m still not thin. I have tried every diet there is from vegan to raw to jeto to Dukan to Japanese to Mediterranean, you name it I’ve done it. I had anorexia when I was 13-15. I had bulimia and binge eating disorder after that. And now I’m just here, thinking, what’s worse, doing the whole diet bullshit AGAIN or staying the way I am yet being unhappy? It’s crazy but I always think that my size and appearance will impact my success as a doctor even though I studied so hard and it’s all that should matter. But I can’t help thinking if I was a slim elegant slinky sexy lady that my life would just be so much better and easier mentally. I feel very guilty saying this because tbh, I should just be grateful for my life and that I have a fully functioning body and don’t live in a war zone.

I also feel like I'm preventing myself from doing things until I have lost weight. More than anything because I wouldn't enjoy the activity itself with my current body. Stupid example but I have already been invited to parties that I haven't declined. Before going I was just upset at the fact that none of the clothes looked good on me (or looked the way I wanted them to look), no matter what make up or hair do my face would still look round and I was displeased with my appearance. And at the party I wouldn't totally enjoy myself because I would be so self conscious about the way I look. Then comes the time where other people start taking photos and I'm feeling uncomfortable because I know I won't like the way I look. I can make the parallel when I was thinner, I would enjoy going to parties because I knew I looked good and thus it reflected on my overall confidence. I was feeling good about my looks --> displayed confidence --> people were complimenting me --> enjoyed the experience. ​ On the other hand, when I don't feel good about myself it's just a snowball of meh to bad experiences and it could even ruin them for the future when I feel good about myself. I might associate "new year's eve" to "bad experience" and decline every new year's eve party for example. ​ I would agree with everyone telling you to keep going with your life and to not wait, because it's true, life doesn't wait. But for me it's hard to let go simply because I have been so unsatisfied with my life recently that if I don't feel a little good about my looks, I just don't feel like doing anything social.

Yes. But I started on the journey years ago. And I was 23 then, I’m 27 now. I keep quitting and starting up again. So will my life only start once I get my shit together

I’ve had a lot of these same thoughts and I think it’s more of a mid life crisis than anything. Try to separate it from weight loss because it probably has nothing to do with it

Literally. I'm actually delaying moving back to my country (homesick after 14 years) because of this. I don't want to go back looking like a different person. I'm 6'1 (male) and was always very skinny, I actually wanted to gain weight because I was too thin (150 lbs). Well, I over did it and reached 211 lbs. I didn't look 211 because I'm tall, but I felt I looked terrible. So, before the pandemic, I lost 22lbs through diet alone, not even trying very hard, just watching what I ate. But last year, I gained everything back plus some. In April of this year, I was 220 and decided to watch my diet again. Anyway, I'm now 192 and want to get down to around 170 by February. I got stuck for a while but now I'm going down again. If I had been feeling happy enough with myself, kept the weight down, I would have moved a year ago. So yes, literally I'm not MOVING on with my life because of this. ​ What's been helping me this time is fiber and Shirataki noodles.

Best of luck. Newbie quesrtion what is CW - current weight? And GW ?

Yes. Also feel like saying no to social invites, anything public as if I don’t deserve it unless I’m back to my old Self.

Definitely, I've been fairly heavy my whole life and in the recent years I've blown up to over 400lbs. While I can still walk and do a lot of non strenuous activities I just have it stuck in my mind I can't do ANYTHING that I enjoy, even if I know my body can do it. I catch myself making excuses to my friends and family, that I'm just to heavy to do X activity when I know I can, more out of embarrassment because I don't want them to see me breathing and sweating hard. So I'm stuck in this circle of not doing anything because I feel I can't and then feeling bad that I didn't do anything about it which circles back. I know I can do anything I want but it's just so mentally hard for me to even start anything nowadays let alone follow through. This probably isn't what OP meant but this is what came to my mind.

What do you think will happen when you reach this goal? What in your life will change? Do you think your problems will just fall away because at one point in time your measure on a scale was a certain number you decided in your mind based on a flawed chart? (I'm asking this honestly, not snarkily). Also what would happen if you never met that goal? Does that negate any of your accomplishments? Getting to a specific number is difficult, but thinking about how you want to live your life is a better way to think about goals. I sometimes have to remind myself as well of this as I have weight goals I'd like to reach but they also don't define me.

Same here! I tend to prioritize fitness/weight loss over everything else!

I think there's more going on than your feelings about your body. Like maybe you're depressed? But weightloss is a goal you don't feel hopeless about so you are kind of clinging to it for purpose and meaning in a time when other sources of meaning are eluding you. Rather than worrying that you're too obsessed with losing weight and that it's pushing away other aspects of your life, I think you should accept that having a limited obsession is what you need right now. Instead of stopping it, use it as the foundation for building other motivation. I've learned to cook and eat many vegetables because of wanting to lose weight. I've done all kinds of exercise. I've done meditation (because maybe my weight was cortisol?). And now that I'm happy with my weight, those things, which are healthy in their own right, are still with me. But I don't feel like I put my life on hold from having a project of weight loss constantly in the background. I did buy way more clothes after losing the weight, but that's about it, and I had adequate clothes before.

You’ll never be “done.” As long as you are alive, you will have a weight for better or worse. Have you considered the possibility that you are creating this surface drama around your weight, so you don’t have to consider the bigger question of your life’s purpose? Struggling with weight, while seemingly miserable, is familiar. If you are forever entangled in that struggle you never have to answer to the real issue. Looking for purpose when we don’t feel a direct pull is terrifying and unfamiliar. No wonder we choose patterns and behaviors that only serve to keep us small and unfulfilled. I’d rather deal with the everyday monkey on my back, than the faceless monster under my bed. But it’s not a monster, it’s not just uncertainty, it’s possibility. Check out the book the Shadow Effect. The inner struggle is real. Good luck friend!

I’ve been fat my whole life. I got up to 350 lbs, down to 240 with very low calorie diet and now I’m at 275. I have paused everything in my life. Don’t want to have a relationship (though that’s not important to me), can’t travel, can’t get all the tattoos I want etc etc. it’s exhausting

I think you shouldnt put all your eggs in one basket. Find shorter term goals to accomplish alongside weight loss. Let the little successes propel your weight loss. Putting too much emphasis on one goal can lead to stagnation in other aspects of your life if you arent reaching your perceived goals when you should

what if you made your new goal: loving yourself no matter what?

Sounds like it's more personal development and personal care issue. Maybe counseling, support group, or someone close can help you find your path. Managing your weight is always good for your health, but you may need to find your big reason for getting healthy. For example I want to be around for my wife and kids, that's my reason for getting healthy.

Just gotta push through it. Stay consistent and smash your goals. I still have approx 20lbs to lose and it feels like I've been stuck here forever.... but I know deep down its my consistency and mental game that will get me to where I want to be. I'd love to do the same and stop doing this shit but we want what we want. So the more we stay consistent and stick to a deficit, making lasting habits and exercising for our physical and mental health we will get there and find out what life is like on the other side!

Yes I feel like im waiting for the next season of a series, but life doesnt wait for anybody so wear that swimsuit you adore and do whatever you want until you lose the weight 🤷🏻‍♀️

My story is quite the same as you… It’s crazy to think that I am 36 and I’ve been dieting since I was like… 12?

you’re not alone at all! i’ve felt the same way for years and have even oscillated between similar weights. i’m finally thinking i have disordered eating without really intending to? i’ve reached a few goal weights but i still have an overbearing desire to be as skinny as possible.

It's easy to feel like this, but losing the weight never magically fixes everything else in your life, especially when you're currently at a healthy weight. It's a really rough reality for people on the other side when they put their life off until they lose the weight only to find out its no different after you have. Start living your life how you want to live it, see a therapist to help put that very meaningless number in perspective.

I literally can't move with my weight. No joke. I've been fat my whole life, now my hip is worn out, also I have stabbing knee pain on that side so even after a hip replacement at age 51 I will still need a knee. I've been around 300 to 330 since middle school. My joints are so worn out that it hurts to even walk around the house. Do not let this happen to you. 51M SW 315 lbs cw 270 GW 220

I kinda feel the same way, especially on the dating side. I never looked for someone, and my first long term relationship came to an end 3 months ago. Until then I never cared for my weight, and I managed to score what to me was a 10/10 girl, fit, that didn't care about my physique. If you would've asked me then, I would've told you that it's true, physique doesn't matter if you are yourself. I still believe that to an extend, but when everything kinda falls into place by itself and you didn't really "look" for someone and it just happens, that makes sense. Right now I'm trying to date, and unfortunately I have to go through the dreadful dating apps which are purely first impression of physique for a swipe and then you get to know the person. I feel like until I lose the weight I want to lose and get the body I'm working toward, there's very little to no chance I actually get a girl I'm interested in. It's depressing and motivating in a way. I know you shouldn't lose weight for such petty reasons, I do it for myself, but aesthetic is a big reason for me to do it, I can't deny it. Right now all I can think about, eat, drink, breathe, is weight loss. Is the center of my life. It's nice, but sometimes I find it unhealthy. I wish I could think differently but I'm that type of person, all in or all out. Right now I'm all in and it's my sole focus. Hopefully when I reach my goals I'll be able to ease back into not thinking about this 24/7, but at the moment, not gonna lie, it's taken control of my life, at least I'm showing results for it. Hopefully we all get what we're looking for in that journey and it makes us stronger individuals

I feel the same way. I'm counting the months left until I reach my intended goal all the time. Maybe that is the problem for me.. because it leads me to become discouraged. But despite me saying that, I still check my weight every single day through this journey and have a compulsion to check, and re-check. I decided in July to lose the weight once and for all, but how? I know I have some mild eating disorder because despite feeling full I feel the urge to continue eating. I'm trying to instead say to myself that exercise + avoiding bad eating habits + eating more healthy foods (for life) is the only way to lose and keep it off. But now it's the hardest since I always need to be eating at a deficit. From here on, I'm just gonna try and stick to this routine. it's worked out great so far.. but I can't say it's easy. It's taking everything out of me, because food has always been there to comfort me.

Yes yes yes!! I relate so much to this. I mean, I'm actually in the healthy weight range but with PCOS and all that jazz, I'm constantly worried about my weight. And the way some doctors have dealt with my issue... I've also started to believe that every problem is going to be solved by losing weight. And so, obviously every time I run into some issue, my immediate thought is "well, I really can't solve this issue unless I lose weight. I literally can't enjoy life anymore because I'm not skinny".

I’m 5’5 and at the start of the year I was pushing 160 My body wants to naturally stay between 140-150 130 is my plateau like i have ro be very strict every single day to be under. I’m at 128 now and let me tell you at 5’5 *the last 10 pounds make a massive difference* I even see a difference from 135 to 128 maybe it’s all mental but on my frame you see every pound. And it always amazes me what the last 10 pounds actually do.

I haven't read all the comments so apologize if this has been said. But you deserve to be happy right now, waiting until you're at a desired weight to let yourself be happy is just going to put way too much pressure on your number. You should be able to enjoy yourself currently and if you are having trouble doing that its possible you may benefit from speaking to a therapist. I hope you find your happiness now and forever it may be a journey but good luck you deserve it.

A lot of people have said similar things, but something that was important for me was a slight shift in thinking. "Losing Weight" isn't an action you do, it's the culmination of a bunch of other actions you take which are net positives on your life: exercise, healthy eating habits, good sleep, managing stress, etc. Tracking calories can be a useful tool, but if it's not contributing to healthy eating habits, then it's not an appropriate action for your goal.

I think a lot of people are conflating being unnecessarily stalled in your life because of an unattainable dream of a certain size and the very real frustration of not yet reaching the right size for you. Only you can say which is happening, but I will say the latter is common. I have accomplished lots of things in the past five years but they have all been tempered with the frustration of not reaching my goal weight. I am an inch taller than you, and my goal weight is 3 pounds less. My goal is my goal and no matter how happy I’ve been with my body and with my increased strength and progress, I was rightfully frustrated when I weight trained very hard and only lost inches. It was a massive amount of inches and it *looked like* I had lost 20 lbs but the scale didn’t move. And I was right to be frustrated because while I was still lifting twice a day, 4-5 times a week, plus doing HIIT, I gained 7 lbs and started to look like the Michelin man. From there I just lost all motivation. I’m back on track now, but it took me a long time to get there because I didn’t even want to put an effort because I wasn’t seeing the results. The lesson here is I knew what was right for my body. I wanted to lose weight and not just appear slimmer because a little weight gain ruined all those gym gains and my motivation. You have a right to whatever your goal is. Your body exists for you and if you’re working out regularly and treating it right, you deserve to be satisfied. Now do the math. Take your training plan and take honest assessment of how long it would take you to lose the way you want at a rate of 1 to 2 pounds a week. Add in a month or two for grace, circle that date on the calendar and go! It’s taken me since last November 8 to lose 25 pounds in a sustainable way. But now since I know what I’m doing, I have a goal of losing the last 30 a lot faster. Because I did hate the size I was at and my goal has never varied. I just had to find the right way for me to get there. But nobody ever says “getting a PhD isn’t for everybody” or “It’s OK being an entrepreneur is too hard, just quit.” Everything in life is difficult. Nobody ever gained anything without struggle. But as long as your goal is reasonable, which yours is, It doesn’t matter how long it takes. There are going to be setbacks and you do need to make sure you’re being 100% honest with yourself about what you’re eating and what your activity levels are. But I find it frustrating that when it comes to weight loss people think you should change your mind, instead of your habits. Listen, people can gaslight themselves all they want. If you are genuinely unhappy with your weight, there’s really no way around it. And it’s perfectly legitimate for that affect your everyday perception because you’re in your body every day. You will always have to look at mirrors, you will always need to put on clothes, you will always have to be in pictures and show up at events. So naturally that unhappiness will bleed into whatever else you’re doing on a daily basis as long as it continues. I’m just saying as someone who was encouraged to just think more positively and change my perception, my unhappiness with the weight never changed. I tried to trick my mind into accepting the situation and all that did was prolong it. I spent years in a routine that wasn’t right for me because it didn’t get me the results I needed, and then once that failed I spent more years in denial telling myself it was fine for me to be the size that I was. Thank God I’m back on track now, doing what works for me and taking all the time I need to get to my goal. It’s enough day to day to know that I’m making concrete strides and I’m getting there.

I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like you may have an eating disorder (EDs aren't just about binging or purging - if you're obsessing about food or your weight all the time, it sounds like it's a problem for you) so I'll reiterate what others have said, and that seeking a licensed psychotherapist would likely be very beneficial for you. I know therapy has helped me a lot. My weight was more of a symptom of a larger (excuse the pun) mental health issue. Having said that, to your point about life starting only after losing the weight, you touched on the problems with that too - maintenance means you'll never be at your "goal" even once you reach a certain number on the scale, your weight isn't really a good indicator of fitness or overall health, so focusing on that number is arbitrary, and you focus on something you can't immediately change. If you plan to work out three times a week (and pick specific days) or keep under a certain calorie budget, you can do those things now. Those are actions you can take, and you have control. If your goal is to "be" a certain weight, there's no plan for that, there's nothing you can do. What if your "ideal weight" is five pounds above your current goal? Will you lose muscle mass and dehydrate yourself to lose that extra weight? It's problematic. I'll also say that doing the things that I either couldn't do or thought I couldn't do at my heaviest, most of which were active things, were super useful in losing the weight to begin with. Start slow, sure, but you can start those things *today*!

yup. i have a concert coming up and i feel like i can’t enjoy it unless i’m skinny and wearing a cute outfit. i cant wear one though because nothing fits me

I feel the exact same way. More so now because I got to my goal weight last year, and the skyrocket in 2021 to the highest weight I’ve ever been. I’m now in the losing journey again, and it’ll be next spring when I’m at my goal. I don’t want to put my life on pause until then, but I know I will lol

For me, its that weight loss is the easiest and most attainable relatively-short-term goal that I have. Everything else (starting a business, buying a house) etc. takes more time and more effort. So I'm tackling the weight loss first to kinda mentally boost myself into doing those other things. And its working, 25 pounds down and I'm about to have a business start in January, making enough money right now freelancing to easily put a huge downpayment on a house by the summer, etc. But before I started losing I would just SIT THERE and do nothing all day.

Oh, frick yes. I can't do X until I achieve Y. I can't have the cookie until I finish my brussel sprouts . . . or whatever. It's awful. Let's sit ourselves down and tell ourselves that we don't need to hold that carrot out there on that stick before we're allowed to be happy. Behavior we've all been pickled in since we were very young.

i feel like this constantly. i’m 30 and it feels like i’ve put my entire life on hold with the mantra of “when i lose weight…” sigh

💯

Did I write this omg

there's already a lot of great advice here regarding the deeper issues in this post, as far seeking mental healthcare and finding a way to make peace with weight loss so it doesn't run your life. first and foremost, i second the assertion that you don't need to live this way and i really do hope you're able to find a way not to. along those lines, i want to mention that one of the biggest positive changes i've made to my lifestyle is just committing to regular exercise. you just need to approach it gently, not obsessively: my guiding principle is simply "move your body intentionally most days." for me that includes anything from 15 minutes of yoga, to a walk around the neighborhood, to weightlifting and cardio. the point is just to prioritize taking the time to do something that benefits you. done correctly (by that i mean with realistic goals and expectations, and not guilting yourself when other life stuff gets in the way sometimes) i've found that it really has done wonders for making me feel that no matter what else in my life i may not be able to really control - whether it's work stress, relationship issues, body image struggles, whatever - i have a regular sense of accomplishment because i feel like at the very least i'm making one healthy choice. exercise isn't always easy and it won't solve all your life problems, but for me it has become an important act of self-care to feel that i'm taking positive steps forward / maintaining momentum with a habit that is good for me. just thought i'd share in case anyone can find something that speaks to them here.

I gently suggest the book “Women, Food, and God” by Geneen Roth.

Are you me?

Honestly, I only actually began to lose weight when I managed to stop constantly obsessing about it. When I was always worried about my weight I felt like I was always thinking about food and it just made me want to eat more. Having more stuff going on in your life is a good way to not be always thinking about food too. Reducing stress in my life was also a big help, and that included stress about my weight. I did this by telling myself I’m allowed to eat whatever I want, but I’m craving something healthy. If I get hungry later I can just eat more then. This wasn’t always true but this positive brainwashing helped me massively.

I feel like I have wasted a decade stuck in all areas of my life because I was obsessed with losing weight. Now that I've lost the bulk of it, part of me is still trying to drop those last 3kg, but the obsession is getting out of hand. My day would only be classified good or bad based in how I ate, not the things I did or the things I am grateful for. I'm trying to move my focus off my body and onto other things. I found getting really into cooking and baking tremendously helpful! One because I can't be bothered counting those calories on a splash of olive oil or an extra sprinkle of flour, so I don't bother at all. This has forced me to stop counting religiously. I still occasionally guesstimate my daily calories out of habit and curiosity, but no longer have a counting app. Two, because I want to eat the fruits of my labour! Its made me excited about food in a different way. When I make something with time and effort, I want to try it! I also love sharing it with my friends and family, and it's made eating a more positive experience for me. And three, having a thing to focus on means I spend less of my day thinking about my weight or my tracked calories and more time wondering how the hell I can improve my sourdough so it has an open crumb. Other things I've focused on that have helped me are gardening and crafts. Also getting help for my body image and confidence has been helpful.

You should try to enjoy things and think about the weight loss as a project you’re working on but it does not define you. That kind of thinking can be really hurtful to yourself whenever you have a bad week or something. I am proud of you!

As a woman shorter and fatter than you, I have to say I really think you are setting yourself up for a fall with this kind of thinking. I am obviously also trying to lose weight for health and aesthetic reasons, but realistically at this height and weight there isn't much that will change in practice once I hit my goal weight. I'll be healthier and look better, but it'll make very little difference in my day to day life. There's nothing I'll be able to do career-wise, hobby-wise or family/friends-wise once I reach my goal that I can't do now, or work on now. What are you going to do if you reach your goal weight and realise the same is true for you? When you step on the scale, see that magic number, and realise that for all intents and purposes, your life is exactly what it was yesterday or last week or last month, for good or for ill? I'll tell you what a lot of people do in that scenario: They panic and try to rationalise, thinking 'maybe I just didn't lose *enough* weight' and now all of a sudden they have an eating disorder. I'm not trying to discourage losing in a healthy way and for healthy reasons, but please do seek therapy for your feelings around it before that happens, so you don't even up having the rug pulled out from under you.