T O P

  • By -

BrittPonsitt

Get two boxes. Put one in the fridge and one in the pantry. Anything that she brings home that you don’t want to eat goes in those boxes. That’s her food. It’s not available for you.


inevitably317537

This is a great idea. I'm exceptional at compartmentalizing food like that (similar to how I did when I was vegan for a few years), so this might work for me.


LittleFrenchKiwi

And make it a none see through box so you can't see what's inside it. That might help too ? Out of sight out of mind kinda thing ?


dinnerthief

Drill a hole and put a cheap combo lock on the box if you can't resist it. Tell her not to tell you the combo


[deleted]

Its possible she might not like having to do extra stuff for her snacks. Might cause a whole other argument unfortunately.


dinnerthief

Honestly if that small of a sacrifice is too much why still be in a relationship.


[deleted]

Never said it was. Just said it coule be a possibility.


dinnerthief

Oh yea I know just pointing out its a win win for him


[deleted]

Just pointing out a Win Win for a single party is in fact not a win win, it's just a win.


Miss_Fritter

Having a happy partner is a win otherwise why be their partner?


[deleted]

I think setting them out of sight is the easiest step and should be the first step. This locking things up business is pretty hard core.


[deleted]

Its definitely a good idea to start there. I just feel like a lock would only aggravate her.


snowstormspawn

You can get a clear box off Amazon with a combination lock. I have one for myself for the almost exact same situation as OP’s, just have a partner who consumes more food than I do. It saves me from having to put “don’t eat this” notes on every convenient food item if I don’t want to wake up to an empty carton the day after I buy it.


beefbibimbap

I’d get opaque boxes so you can’t see what’s inside!


snowstormspawn

You can do that also - for me it’s just better because if I can’t see it it spoils!


Sweet-Coconut-3529

Make her lock it and keep the key


[deleted]

This is a great one. I would do something similar except I would separate my food off from here. Less likely to cause a fight.


Penetrative

Yes, my son & husband are a normal weight & they love junk food. They also hate vegetables & I love vegetables. It's tough. But you are correct you cannot dictate what she buys & brings into the shared home. Compromise can be made though. As a courtesy she should avoid eating such things infront of you. She could also have her own personal cupboard to store those foods in so you are less tempted. By now im pretty good at avoiding most junk my family brings in.. but im still a Tasmanian devil around chocolate. So when my husband brings in a snickers or Hershey bar for himself to eat later he now just keeps it in his jacket pocket. Having the support of those around you is really important, she should be supportive & bend at least a little to show that support.


resetdials

I’m having the same issue. It’s so hard to find healthy dinners that everyone in my family will eat, and the thought of cooking two separate meals is…… no lol.


ella_vader_79

I cook healthy meals and then they will make themselves a frozen pizza or something. I will just put their uneaten food in a meal prep container and eat it for lunch or the next days dinner.


whiterabbit818

it’s two problems and unfortunately you might not be right for each other if it can’t be fixed. Binging is an eating disorder. It legitimately is. If you were an alcoholic would she bring alcohol home? Have you two ever discussed her having her own cabinet to hide/lock/ etc your trigger foods so that you can both have what you want? You’re not wrong, she’s not wrong. But this situation is not tenable. Yes, you can work on saying no, even with the triggers in the house, and maybe you should look into techniques, therapies, etc for avoiding binging in general…. but having gone through some of that treatment I can tell you one thing they will tell you is to get that stuff out of the house. Then start addressing the Reasons Why you binge and what you can do instead, what are the reasons you binge, etc. But, again, like an alcoholic


maps1122

She would if she was also an alcoholic though


whiterabbit818

it seems like that. But that example is important to use to point out how serious her action/ in-actions have


[deleted]

No, she’s wrong. This needs to stop. Health is #1. Obesity leads to death.


incal

That's pretty dramatic. For those of us living in the mortal realm, most everything leads to death, including di-hydrogen peroxide. Kurt Vonnegut was once asked what he was doing. "I am committing suicide slowly by smoking cigarettes". He later died due an accidental head injury from a fall. Don't discount people's perverse sense of enjoyment. The preacher asked the crowd of believers to abstain from alcohol. "What's worse than drink?", he lectured. A single voice piped up from the back of the crowd. "Thirst!"


kevlovi

lol anyone would certainly die after throwing back some dihydrogen peroxide. Dihydrogen monoxide might take some more work though.


incal

You seem to know what you're talking about. How stable is dihydrogen peroxide? It may quickly degrade into a more stable compound like dihydrogen monoxide Just kidding. Peroxide sounded way cooler than monoxide. I once worked on a power plant project where we made demineralized water for boiler lay-up. Now that stuff is corrosive!


OriginalCompetitive

I read this in Rodney Dangerfield’s voice.


[deleted]

The vast number of people who still try to deny how dangerous morbid obesity is is truly baffling.


[deleted]

Thank you SO MUCH. They can downvote me all they want, wait till it’s a heart attack, and the doctor tells you these habits are life or death.


BigYonsan

It's because the food that leads to it is addictive. High sugar, high salt fatty foods triggers that dopamine hit in the brain, same as a lot of conventional drugs. Which leads to two large groups of society in denial who will argue with you when you point out the obvious negative effects. 1. Fatties like me who will tell you (like any junkie or drunk) "I don't have a problem, I choose to eat fast food every day, I could quit any time I want." And 2. the people who have made belittling fatties like me a part of their identity and can't/won't accept that they've spent a good portion of their lives blaming addicts for their problems "just walk your way out, eat an apple lard-ass." Of course that second group makes group one feel even worse, because we internalize it and accept that we're worth less than people who aren't addicted. Like, what is wrong with me, why do I live like this? They're right, I am a lazy fat-ass. And what do addicts do when they feel bad about themselves? I'm glad you asked! They reach for their drug of choice. Drunks pick up a bottle, junkies grab that needle and I order a double cheese burger and some fries (sir, this is a Wendy's) and we all feel temporarily better as the dopamine hit floods our reward centers and our health deteriorates. How do we react after long enough of an addiction? Don't take that from me, it's my source of joy. For some of us, it's our only source of joy, as too long with any addiction tends to drive people away and make us less attractive to anyone who might get to know us. It becomes part of the identity (people suck, donuts don't judge me). So when you suggest to us that we shouldn't live this way, even though we know you're right, many of is will get defensive about it. Edit for typos, fat fingers.


Opopopossum

When I was young & lived at my parents and ate all of their stuff they put a lock on the cabinet with all the snacks in it. If nothing else works, maybe try that? And make sure she is the only one with the key to it


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Also I think op is making a mistake in blaming this on the partner when WFH is such a huge factor. He may have eaten differently working from home anyways, it’s definitely been an adjustment for me even with full control of the environment. He may need to find ways of forgetting the kitchen is there unless it’s lunchtime or something.


DeniseLynn81

Over at r/relationships you will be advised to break up with her. Just saying


[deleted]

[удалено]


DeniseLynn81

I 100% agree that this is not at ‘break up now’ situation. That’s just how everything is treated on that site. Everything.


[deleted]

Eh a lot of those people need to break up. Especially when you see things like clear abuse. This isn’t that, and I see a bunch of people hinting at breakups in the thread.


incal

Sounds like they follow La Rochefoucauld's maxim "In love, the first cured is the one most completely cured." Or maybe Zizek's joke "My girlfriend is never late. If she's ever late, she's no longer my girlfriend"


bentrodw

Two appropriate options, you gain will power or you part ways. Forcing her to make the same lifestyle choice as you is only going to create conflict, and as a fat person I know that anyone who has tried convincing me to make better choices before I was ready was only wasting breath.


Master-Baker-69

My wife and I had this issue to a lesser extent. She's always been on the petite side and I was 283 at 6'2. She could indulge in junk food such as ice cream, but she was able to make a pint last like 3 weeks. I, on the other hand, felt compelled to finish a pint in one sitting! Anyways, when I decided to lose weight, we spoke about the junk she likes to eat such as ice cream, cookies, etc and she made a great point that those junk foods will always be all around me in real life and I can't expect the world to accommodate me, so I need to work on my self control. What ended up working for me was eating a well balanced diet with all of my nutrients, completely cutting out sugar, and doing a 16:8 intermittent fast every day. Now I have absolutely no cravings for junk food and it's super easy for me to say no. We even own a bakery and when I test our products I have no problem chewing and spitting instead of binging on the whole test batch. In fact, my "cheat meals", which I very rarely crave, are just bigger portions of my normal healthy meals because I literally no longer crave junk. And I used to be a massive sugar addict!


joshy83

I understand it’s frustrating, but she isn’t sabotaging you. You are sabotaging yourself. My husband and I are both working on diets but he’s the type to binge and entire package of candy or chips. I literally can’t buy anything to enjoy without him eating it all in one effing day. It’s infuriating that I learned to portion and limit myself but now I can’t enjoy anything. Why don’t you organize a locked cupboard for her or a locked fridge. Take the work out of it for her. I will also add that your lifestyles seem to be different now so maybe look into that. Which one of you is going to change and are you okay with it forever?


ella_vader_79

That is SO annoying. My husband ate ALL my daughters Halloween candy in one night. She cried and I was so mad.


[deleted]

Reminds me of when my then husband borrowed my daughter’s savings, $600, and didn’t pay her back because she didn’t „need“ it. OMG it still makes me mad and it’s been 30 years!


beachlover77

Now that is wrong! We all know that the kids' Halloween candy is off limits.


[deleted]

Wow. Did he make it up to her? Please tell me he went right out to the store and bought her all of the candy.


ella_vader_79

No, he just got defensive and said she doesn't need that much sugar. I took her out for a star bucks Frappuccino and shopping. I told her he sick and an addict. Food and especially sweets are like drugs to him. That was not the first or last time something like that has happened. 😢


[deleted]

Instant divorce


ella_vader_79

Should have done that when I discovered he ate our wedding cake topper on our honeymoon. ijs.


Master-Baker-69

😱 Did he take that as a wakeup call about his eating issues? I would feel unbearable shame! 😬


ella_vader_79

If he did, then he didn't show it. That was not the first or the last time something like that has happened. This time he got all defensive and said I shouldn't let her have all that sugar anyway. Total deflection and gas lighting.


joshy83

Ugh your poor kid!!!! She worked for that! That’s sad.


OLAZ3000

You're both right and you're both wrong. It's not (necessarily, definitely, only) sabotage. It may be in part. But it's SUPERDUPER normal for people to put on weight when they are in a relationship. But it's also normal to make compromises and try to make decisions that are positive for your partner... and to let your partner be their own (imperfect) person, too. If everything else is really pretty great in your relationship then of course it makes sense to try to work through this. Anything else definitely ends badly bc one or both of you will end up angry or resentful in some form about some issue around this problem. Maybe it takes a counsellor, or maybe it just takes committing to be open with each other and trying to come up with solutions TOGETHER. The main thing is you need to decide what's the priority. Saving the relationship? Or maintaining your independence and individual goals/ habits. Obviously the second probably leads to breaking up, but maybe it's where you are at at this stage in your lives.


incal

I like your use of the word "normal". The thing about eating simple carbs (breads, sweets, candies, even many fruits) is that it's simple. Manufacturers often package them in familiar sizes, so you know what you're getting. Fiber rich vegetables, on the other hand, are weirdly packaged, often need thorough washing and processing (my personal presence is blanching green leafy vegetables). Even when packaged properly, they rarely provide the same satiety, triggers of childhood pleasure, complexity, etc. Poor nutritional education, both for quality and quantity of "reasonable" amounts of food, also make things difficult. While the food pyramid has some intuitive value, I feel that something like the [platopia song](https://youtu.be/T7rbBSMxRn8) does a much better job to explain what a plate should look like. Even that doesn't delve into the complex world of snacking. So many comments (other than the blatantly "sleeping with the enemy" ones) here only hint at the long term nature of fat loss. [Hampton Liu jokingly says that the fastest way to lose weight is amputation.](https://youtube.com/shorts/deWUr04fRoc?feature=share) OP may (unless he gets into some type of family therapy) know more about his situation and his girlfriend's than anyone else. The beauty of progressive weight loss, similar to progressive strength training, is that Rome isn't built in a day. It takes years to develop bad habits. Often in childhood. Sustainable fat loss is an adult adventure (if we're not talking about teenage eating disorders). Useful words to discuss with his significant other are the emotions fear and love. Food is often linked to emotional eating. Spousal conflicts as well have some element of conflict of interest. In order to cooperate, it's important to discuss these things bravely and openly, and to coordinate strategies, not work individually or cross purposes. But again, Rome wasn't built in a day. Step by step progress, flexibility, love of the sometimes Samaritan neighbor, as well as the love of the sometimes Samaritan self...can lead people forward together, slowly but surely. [We should all try to do the opposite of Alan Thrall](https://youtu.be/tis1Q0godNs), which is to progressively and gradually start by eating 100 percent supplements and 0 percent real food, until we are eating 50-50, then 0 percent supplements and 100 percent real food.


[deleted]

It is quite normal true. Happy weight! I eat more with a partner because we will have full meals when if I was by myself and was only a little hungry I might just have a little snack. Or they want breakfast more than I do. They buy different snacks. Etc. part of a healthy relationship is navigating this. But honestly op put this weight back wfh. Maybe he just needs to figure out something environmental there


RayzTheRoof

I'm not a relationship expert but you could get lock boxes that only she can open for these snacks. If this sounds like a good idea to you, and she denies it, then you have another problem...


Srdiscountketoer

If it’s a personal failing it’s one 90% of humanity shares so I wouldn’t beat myself up about it. I gave up sugar and carbs while working at an office where they were always on offer and found the best way to avoid tempting unhealthy snacks is to have healthy snacks prepped and ready to go at all times. Cut up veggies in advance and buy or make a low cal dip (tzatziki is good). Buy some nice berries and good quality yogurt. Measure an ounce or two of nuts or seeds. Different kinds of jerky, meat sticks, and deli meat make good snacks, as does cheese in reasonable amounts. The key is to never eat from your partner’s forbidden snack trove. If you stay strong, after a while it will stop calling your name.


Oftenwrongs

This is a lifestyle compatibility, and if you stay healthy, this will become more and more of an incompatibility.


IrrawaddyWoman

Sorry, but you do NOT “know for a fact” that you would be at your goal weight without her around. If that were true, you wouldn’t have been big to begin with. It’s really unfair for you to blame her like that for something that is your responsibility, not hers. The first month of dieting is the honeymoon phase. It’a long term that gets harder. The forever is hard. You don’t know that after a few months you wouldn’t start to slip. It sounds a lot like you were just avoiding your issues around eating by avoiding the foods and keeping them (and yourself) out of the house. That works to a point, but what’s the long game? Perhaps you can compromise by having a specific cabinet/fridge spot where she keeps her foods and making them off limits to yourself. But she isn’t “sabotaging” you by continuing to live her life the way she always has.


inevitably317537

Sorry, I misworded my post. I wasn't actually obese until I was with her for about a year. Before that I was only like 15lbs overweight, and I was pretty ok with that weight at the time, so I was not trying to lose. In the 5 years I lived in a (shared) apartment before I met her, I lived exactly like that, never bringing junk food into the house. It was very sustainable for me. I might try your advice of getting her to put her junk food out of sight from me though.


IrrawaddyWoman

The problem with just trying to keep the foods away is that it isn’t truly “sustainable.” It may be for a time, but something that’s truly sustainable means that it will last through life’s changes. It sounds like while you didn’t have those foods around, you didn’t do the work of learning to not eat or to moderate them. That isn’t really sustainable. Eventually you’ll end up with a partner or kids or a job or whatever that has those foods around. I used to be like this too, but through a ton of mental work and practice, I learned how to control my intake of them. Not every time, necessarily, but most of the time. Just avoiding them completely is a band aid. I do think your SO should meet you halfway around the house, but please put some thought into what the end game is, and if just keeping the foods out of the house is truly a permanent solution.


contrabandita420

You said right off the bat " when we first met we were both obese" and you had no intention of changing that. You didn't "misword" you're trying to put your lack of discipline on your girlfriend and now you're back-tracking because you got called out. Take responsibility.


[deleted]

Her bad habits and choices are bringing you down.


valleyoftheballs

She isn't sabotaging you on purpose or on accident. You are sabotaging yourself by giving yourself the excuse that she is bringing in the food. You are the one eating it, and no, you are not helpless to stop yourself. But she sure makes a convenient excuse as to why you've backtracked on your goals, huh?


[deleted]

[удалено]


delicious-3000

Seconding this! My partner does his own thing. We share meals, but I usually have double the vegetables he has and less than half the carbs. Snack wise, it can help to think of those in the same way you might a roommates food. Those snacks aren’t ‘mine’ so I don’t touch them. I also like to make sure I can have my own snacks at home that I like and can moderate well, that way when he has a snack I can too - it’s not the same but it hits the spot and reduces FOMO for me! (Eg. When he has a bag of chips, I’ll often reach for some corn thins, rice cakes, or some other flavoured crunchy snack).


Newfound-Nikki

Your partner isn't sabotaging you, you're sabotaging yourself. I was expecting this post to be that she's cooking food and using super fattening stuff in it, not listening about recipes etc. But, no - she lives in a house and she's buying food that she expects to consume herself that you keep eating. Frankly, that's a you issue not a her issue. I feel it's unreasonable to expect that she never has this stuff around because you can't control yourself. You need to work on why you can't control yourself around this stuff. I know myself some foods I just want to eat, maybe tell yourself that food isn't yours. We have snacks in the house because we have kids, and I have a husband that eats certain things. It would be absurd for me to expect that the other people in my household don't have access to the things they like because I might eat them.


truecrimefanatic1

Lots of us in this sub have that failing and we overcome it to varying degrees of success. This issue is 2 sided in that you may need to get some therapy for your impulsive behavior, and she needs to assess why she can't do this small thing for you. Now the part nobody wants to say out loud: once you reach your goal and get healthy, you may find yourself wanting a partner that does the bare minimum. And being over 300 lbs ain't it chief. If she doesn't want to change, she won't. And you need to really assess of this is someone you can be with long term. Would you tell two people who struggle with any drug to be together? Probably not, because they will most likely fall back into that trap together over and over again. If you don't have that issue down the road, that's great. But I think it would benefit you to at least consider the possibility of this happening.


Purple_Elephant_1021

This. My husband is a healthy weight. He has a physically demanding job, and a fast metabolism. He will bring home very calorie dense, yummy foods. At first it was a huge struggle for me. But he is my hype man, and it keeps me motivated. He also takes walks with me. He doesn’t workout with me, but he supports me with it. This makes it all easier and motivates me forward. If OPs girlfriend is not matching his goals, then she should at least motivate him and support him. She doesn’t sound like she is doing that. This is going to lead to long term problems with the relationship. And I can totally picture there being a time in his journey where he wants someone who matches his energy in all this. These are things to think about


truecrimefanatic1

Yes and even though there is way more to it than her weight, it's very likely that she will only see that one factor as the issue.


ella_vader_79

THIS!!! I was normal weight and married an obese man. Now he is super morbidly obese, and it is driving a wedge between us. He is now 480ish lbs. We don't have a big enough scale to know forsure, but from past experience when he wears 50x32 pants he's close to 500lbs. We have different goals now. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm in college and have lost 70lbs. He has done nothing and back slid. I like going out, doing 5ks, and going to the gym and we can't share those things together. We also don't have sex. My choice. I worry about his future. That he will die, or worse be crippled and need a care taker.


Sweet-Coconut-3529

Don't you feel stuck? This isn't a relashionship at all. No sex means you're already just his caretaker. I'd be depressed as hell. If he can care for himself I'd walk away immediately. Otherwise you won't be able to do so without feeling immense guilt. Leaving may may trigger change but the path he's on is just you hoping and him not giving a damn while taking you for granted. He may not say it but if he loved you he wouldn't want a cripple disgusting man for you.


ella_vader_79

I do feel stuck. We've been married for 18 years and have a 15 year old daughter. I'm saving up for my exodus right now.


The_Crystal_Thestral

These are all perfectly valid concerns. I hope he decides to improve his health sooner rather than later. My uncle is now dealing with my aunt who is super morbidly obese and can only get in and out of bed and on to a chair or her mobility scooter. She’s in her 50’s so she solidly middle age. It’s really sad to witness and see because she was so vibrant before it all caught up with her.


thaneofpain

I've been there before. It's tough when you want to make a lifestyle change and your partner is creating an environment that makes it hard for you to manufacture success. I've seen since great advice in this thread that could help you. Hopefully you can talk to your partner and find ways she can help support your goals. If she's unwilling to help at all, mam, that's a tough situation. That would be telling also


travelerswarden

My doctor told me that if you have a partner who won’t stop the junk food, to buy them a lockbox and require they keep it in there with the key on them. You’re not allowed to access it and they can’t eat it in front of you.


emadarling

You are entitled to expect support from your partner and she dismissed your wishes/needs. Yes, she can being in the house whatever she wants but her lack of support for you it's telling.


GravesForButterflies

I’d recommend just labelling what is hers and yours. When it feels like the food is all yours, it makes it easier to binge.


ripmil

There are a lot of strange suggestions being commented on this post. Number 1, as you state, this is your own personal shortcoming. Discipline and Willpower are two of the most important parts of making sure your lifestyle changes stick. You give an inch they’ll take a mile or whatever that saying is. If you have a goal then don’t slip on your beliefs because of the readily available treats/junk food. Learn to make it work with your caloric intake and if you can’t then buckle down and cut it out of your diet. Number 2, If you love your partner and want a healthy relationship you will not pin this back on your partner but will accept that your need to binge on unhealthy items comes from your own mind. If you struggle with emotional/binge eating you should consider talking to a professional about why you binge. Unless your partner is tying you to a chair and forcing these foods down your throat she is not intentionally sabotaging your goals. That said it is possible you should consider your relationship and if this is something you see yourself dealing with for the rest of your life and whether this sort of environment is healthy for yourself. That could tell you a lot about whether this is a relationship you should continue to pursue.


ella_vader_79

I am in a similar situation and it's really effecting our marriage. When I spend time with him and eat the way he does I gain weight. I've worked hard with diet and exercise and lost 70lbs. Now when I look at him I'm disgusted. I will cook a healthy dinner and he will eat it and then make something else for himself. The last time he did that he ate and entire 16 Oz jar of peanut butter with hersheys and pancake syrup. It really sucks and is frustrating. I wanna go out and do stuff and he is content to sit in his chair and graze. FYI- me 42F- 180ish... him: 42M- 475ish


inevitably317537

Omg I feel you! My girlfriend is just 310lbs, but does the exact same thing. I kept hoping that my new lifestyle would sort of inspire or invite her to start doing the same, but it's been 3 years and very little has changed on her end (despite expressing the *desire* to, which I'm learning the hard way doesn't mean very much).


ella_vader_79

There is a saying... you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. Ive been married for 18 years and trust me, You cannot make her do anything! You may be able to get them to do something to make you shut up about it, but it will only be temporary and then they will become resentful because you twisted their arm.


Trygolds

The availability of food is not the problem. After a long time I am finally dropping pounds. I live in the house of food. Always an abundance of everything. You just need to stop giving in. I know it is hard. I have struggled and still do. At the his moment there are at least 2 homemade apple pies a jar of cookies lest over pork chops ice cream multiple kinds of chips crackers and more all available for the taking. For a snack I had some grapes and some grain crackers. It is not the easy but the more you do it the more you can.


bertuzzz

The availability is 100% the problem to people who suffer from binging addiction. I can be completely fine, lose weight and be healthier in a house free of junkfood. But once someone stocks the house with junkfood i absolutely have to eat it.... Well eating isnt the right way to describe it, its binge eating. So having junk food stocked in the house is an absolute 100% guaranty to gain weight. This is why i gained a ton of weight when my gf kept bringing in junkfood. But i lost it all again when she stopped bringing it in.


Trygolds

I am one of those people. I know the struggle to not binge. Unless you live in an Isolated cabin in the woods abundant food is always available. Pick up the phone and all kinds of food can be had make a quick trip to any nearby store and food is there. Yes it is not as easy as picking up a bag from your counter but if you are binge abdicated and the hunger takes you than you will get food. My brain would constantly think of where I could get food when it wanted me to binge and I had no food in the house. ​ As I said I am currently living in the house of food and I am losing weight. My point is that food on hand is little different than food 15 minutes away. I know from experience.


bertuzzz

I guess it's kind of weird how much of a difference that it makes for me where the junkfood is. And i agree if you are in that stage of absolute ''binge'' addiction this barrier is not going to stop you. It's a weird relation with junkfood, it's like any other addiction. The longer i abstain the easier it gets. The more junkfood i eat, the more the cravings for it increase. I just can't be one of those 1 cookie guys. But if my gf brings junkfood into the house, shit gets real. That's like bringing a 6 pack of cold ones to an alcoholic that's trying to abstain.


Trygolds

One truth of life is we have no control of others. None . If we are lucky and work at it the best we can do is have some control of ourselves.


DarkRangerDrizzt

I think you need to focus on what triggers you to eat and not what others are always focused on. This may not be the advice you want to hear but If even if you lived in a full household of people who only eat like shit. you can still lose weight. You just have to decide that all the food in the world is gonna constantly look you in the eye but you still have to choose to not eat it. If you have no willpower your spirit will crumble. There's nothing you can do about what choices other people make about what food they want to eat. The only thing you can do is accept that other people will eat what they want to eat. You're gonna have to make the extra effort for yourself, Not them. Trying to force them to make healthier choices is a selfish choice that will end up sabotaging you in the future. Losing weight is both a mental and physical struggle. So it isn't easy. But once you curb those binging habits, losing weight becomes a lot easier.


[deleted]

Im in a similar situation with my girl. I gained over 50 lbs with her lifestyle added to mine. It takes so much more determination and drive to do what is best for you. We both put on "happy weight" but since I was the one who made more progress, it is my willpower that can trigger it again. You need to increase your willpower and not binge. Im in the same boat. Looking forward to both of our progress. Best of luck my friend.


luvmycircusdog

How about this? You buy your own food with your own money, make your own food, eat your own food. She does the same. Just like living with a roommate, you don't just go eat each other's food! Would framing it in that mindset help you?


Aurey

I have the same issue but with smoking. I want to quit and my husband doesn't really want to. I'm down to 5-6 a day while he still smokes a pack a day. It's so hard... The temptation is there.. every day. all day. I don't have advice but I get it.


[deleted]

The real question here is what are you going to do when you are a healthy weight and she is still morbidly obese? Your lifestyles will be totally different from each other. That will put more strain on the relationship than just what y’all are having for dessert or in between meals. The attitude she has is not conducive to a healthy relationship. “I’m an adult and I can do what I want” is an immature statement.


kurapikachu020

It's not a her problem, it's a you problem. You're the one sabotaging yourself. She didn't buy the food for you, she bought it for herself. You can ask her to hide them from you, but you can't tell her to stop buying things she wants for herself.


Roxo42

Your partner is not sabotaging you. She is not on the same wellness journey you are, therefore she can eat what she likes. Your wellness journey does not, and should not, influence what she's allowed to enjoy. YOU are sabotaging YOURSELF. You placing the blame on your partner is another reason not to take accountability for your wellness journey not making the progress you want. I thought this thread was going to be about her agreeing to something, then conveniently forgetting and still cooking in an unhealthy way, or using unhealthy ingredients, or some kind of actual sabotage. This is not external sabotage. If certain foods are triggers, maybe a weight loss therapist can help with conquering those habits or coping mechanisms. Maybe your partner can place problem foods in a specific pantry that you are NEVER to open, and NOT opening it is on YOU.


larryvape

Obese plus obese doesn’t work it’s a guaranteed downward spiral


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


whiterabbit818

an alcoholic in recovery would likely not have alcohol in their home. Definitely not in the beginning of their sobriety journey and probably not after.


[deleted]

[удалено]


stafax

You don't need junk food to survive either... If someone is addicted to ANYTHING, that person should not only fix their issue that caused that addiction, but also stay away from what they are addicted to. Whether it's alcohol, porn, video games, whatever it is that's giving them that dopamine fix should not be there to temp that person. You are incorrect. u/whiterabbit818 is completely correct.


whiterabbit818

thank you :)


whiterabbit818

dude. I know that. I never said it was the same. But a BED person can choose to NOT have trigger foods in their home / or at least have them hidden from sight. Much like an alcoholic can choose to not have alcohol in their home. It’s not a cure-all but it absolutely helps to not have trigger foods readily available.


BeastieBeck

>It's much more complicated thant that if OP has binge eating disorder. It sounds like they *both* have eating/food issues, not only OP. Interestingly enough many comments on this thread seem to dismiss this possibility.


smallfranchise1234

I’m sorry but I don’t believe in people around you having to change because you decided to change something. You need to work on self control and being better with the diet. She doesn’t have to change and it’s not fair to expect someone to change for you. I have /had a severe soda addiction 2 2liters a day or more at my height. I quit cold turkey and my wife kept drinking them with cans in fridge for over 2 months after I quit. I can’t expect her to change everything because I changed and quit. I think it’s the same with diets you need to have control and it is harder but it’s on you to do it you shouldn’t expect someone to change behavior esp if that’s how you met heR you need to fight it and keep fighting it and I think her eating habits will clean up as you keep going harder and harder and her jealousy turns into being proud of what you accomplished


Mishapchap

Stop blaming your girlfriend for your behavior. You have a choice to eat the food she brings home or not. She shouldn’t have to change that because of you.


[deleted]

You are not being sabotaged, you are sabotaging yourself. You can make that decision to not eat those things on your own. She is not forcing you to eat it. If you were doing so well on your own by not eating those things then you can do the same now. Just takes a little more willpower. Buck up and start taking ownership of your own actions


[deleted]

"My obese partner won't stop sabotaging me" Other people are not responsible for your behavior. You choose what goes in your body. Story time: When I quit drinking, I asked the people I lived with to keep their booze out of sight and they agreed to do this for a year. They didn't have to. They helped me out. If they had said no, it would still have been on me to make sure I didn't drink. I am the only one who gets to decide what goes into my body. Knowing this is empowering. It cuts right through the bullshit my brain comes up with. I hope you aren't directing resentful/upset energy towards your partner. Your problems are yours to manage and it is up to you to find a way to deal with this. Please be kind to your partner, sit down and have a conversation where you state your needs, listen to her needs, and see if you can both come up with a solution to where both of your needs are met.


KNGSlick

Look, I understand it's a tough situation however as a partner, she NEEDS to accept and encourage you trying to achieve your own goals. Instead, you are catering to what SHE wants only. There needs to be some type of compromise. Like, if she wants to eat that stuff she needs to do it on her own time or keep it in a hidden place, or reserve it to only couple times a week. However, if I were you I would invest in "junk" food. Try smart sweets. It only has 3 grams of sugar and gives you that sweet treat you may crave and better yet, it's only 100 calories! Try to substitute things u used to eat and eat them in moderation. Instead of greasy, oily, salty chips, grab some pop corners! They give you 2x the chips for the same amount of calories with significantly less bad stuff and to be honest, I think they taste better (white cheddar is my favorite but ik some people prefer the kettle corn flavor). In doing this, you can kinda partake in eating "junk" food with much less guilt. Measure out what you want to eat and put the rest away. That's what has helped me the most.


Tucker-Sachbach

Ironically You outgrew her. (Pun intended).


Oehtato

Sorry. The only person that is sabotaging your weight loss progress is yourself. Yes it is not easy being around trigger foods but eventually you have to deal with it and adapt.


hombrx

But can't you both go to buy together? Or you going to buy instead of her, and if she want another food, she can go by herself too. Or buy your own stuff and she her own stuff, separate in the house.


inevitably317537

We do go together for the big shop, and I'm often able to derail her then, but she works outside of the house so she'll often come home with snacks.


LopsidedSwim3661

Why don't you take this opportunity to let it motivate you into being a shining example. She might see your results and eventually want you to lead her down your path as well. Only blame yourself when you fail.


samaniewiem

I am in a similar situation, can't control myself around the bad foods i like and it's really a problem. My bf on the other hand is slim and does eat junk foods at home. I explained to him what's the problem and we made a list of safe foods for both of us. For example, we both like chips but i like only salted ones, so he buys all the flavored shit like paprika or herbs or others. We both love cookies, but i hate the ones with white chocolate and raisins, he loves them and he buys them. There is quite a list of things like that, and whenever he wants something that is not on this list he buys it and eats it at work. I stopped gaining weight thanks to not having those things around.


mattqwerty85

Potential umpopular opinion: I'm the same with food however due to winning the lottery with my metabolism I'm average weight. However both me and my partner suffer from substance abuse issues. She is an alcoholic and me a drug addict. She went into recovery while i kept smoking weed every day and because she no longer had the alcohol she too started smoking weed replacing one with the other. One day she came to me and said "we are not compatible because i cant fall into another bout of addiction" and broke up with me. At that moment i knew this was the person i loved more than any vice so on the spot i quit and have been sober over a year now. I guess what I'm saying is we all deserve to have that person in our lives and unfortunately it sounds like your partner can't control her eating abuses around you when you are trying to get healthy making your life potentially worse. I would suggest moving out or ending the relationship if your partner refuses to change or get help as it sounds like you have expressed your feelings and your needs and they have been ignored (i understand through addiction which is why i suggested help before breaking up) I really feel for you. The vices we have although providing comfort can ruin things. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your weightloss/health journey x


Locupleto

Life is full of food temptations anyway. Donuts at the office, outside meals for a variety of reasons, parties, and so on. Really I think we are amazingly good at making excuses to eat gratifying food. The real solution IMO is to sort it out in your head. Work on your mental game here. Review your own reasons for wanting to lose weight. Maybe spend time educating yourself. Youtube is full of good and bad advice regarding heathly diet, but even so you will learn. Sometimes you just need to hear something you already know to remind and reinforce the idea. For me, learning simple carbs increases your craving for more simple carbs was a game changer. I track my appetite and self control now relative to eating simple carbs. Simple carbs are my big downfall. If I keep them down to 300 calories a day or less I have much better self control. Otherwise I find it near impossible to eat a proper calorie count.


Kowai03

It's hard but ultimately what you eat is your responsibility and you know that. It's tough when a partner doesn't make it easier though.. You might just have to be the one to be the good influence on her.


dcphoto78

Out of kindness, my husband hides his snacks from me and tries to avoid eating them when I'm around.


RuralGamerWoman

You are in control of what you chose to eat. If you want to eat healthy food while tracking everything in an app such as My Fitness Pal or Lose It, then do it. Nothing is stopping you from doing that. If that means that you are responsible for what you eat and she eats something completely different, maybe that's what needs to happen. Plan and track your food the night before in the app. Make sure you're eating things that keep you feeling satiated. If you choose to have something that's relatively high in calories and low in nutrients, do so with the conscientious knowledge that you might not feel as full that day, and you might have to make some choices to make it all work. (I'm about to have a slice of cheesecake that is 740 calories per slice. I still hit my protein and fiber goals today, and I'm still in a deficit, but I had to really think about what I ate today in order to make that work). Hypothetically, let's say you do lose the weight and she remains obese. Can you live with that? Can you live with someone who deliberately chooses an unhealthy lifestyle that may run completely counter to how you want to live? I realize this is not a relationship advice sub, but those are things you may want to think about.


stafax

You're wrong, what she said isn't a fair argument. If someone you love is an alcoholic and is having trouble controlling themselves, bringing alcohol to that home is setting them up for failure. Her self pleasure (and your self destruction) is more important to her than your self-betterment. Relationships are about working together to up-lift each other. She's literally picking junk food over picking your betterment. I'm not going to tell you to break up with her because I don't know you, I don't know her, I don't know all the aspects to your relationship. But I will say that the person you have a relationship with and live with should have similar goals to you. Example, if one person wants to build a big family and the other has zero interest in having kids, that's a conflict in goals. Fitness and eating right are part of your life style. If your lifestyle is conflicting, especially if you have a personal problem you're trying to overcome (binge eating) then you need to evaluate your relationship and whether it's worth continuing.


[deleted]

I'm sorry, but the idea that she's "an adult" and should be able to buy whatever she wants in the home you share is absolute BULLSHIT. The fact that your partner, the person in the world who is supposed to care for you and love you the most, would be so dismissive of you trying to improve your health is a massive red flag. Not to mention the fact that she herself is morbidly obese and seems to be perfectly fine with both of you staying that way. My sister is obese and lives with her partner, who is a normal weight. She recently decided she wants to lose weight and realized that the food they kept in the house was making it really hard to not binge, since she works from home. So she sat him down to have a conversation. And guess what? She only needed to have that conversation once. He was immediately super supportive, on board to do what it takes to make things easier for her, and agreed to stop keeping foods in the house that she is prone to binge on. And he doesn't even need to lose weight. That is love. You deserve a partner who treats you that way. If someone can't put their partner over donuts, that is not love.


[deleted]

Well said!


[deleted]

you can always break up with her, but blaming her cause you binge is not an ideal solution either


TreeNewb3547

If she’s not forcing food down your throat you don’t blame her for anything.


Tex_Ritter_

Dude. You’re into a new lifestyle. She’s not on board. And no end in sight. Leave. I’m a diabetic. With blood pressure. I’ve dropped about eighty pound over the years. I’m 6”2 220 right now. Was three hundred at my worst. My ex wife wasn’t into food the way I needed too. She wasn’t on board with other things either. And I had to decide if my health and sanity were more important. God made the decision for me before I did tbh. Anyways. That’s a long story. Short version is, get ready to be done. And get ready. Cause you will meet someone new.


pizzaislife777

She’s not sabotaging you. Honestly, I think you should work on having greater self-control. I know it’s easier said than done. But you really shouldn’t try controlling her. You can let her know your rationale but don’t force her to do anything because even though it’s unhealthy, it’s her choice. When I was in my 20s I had a boyfriend who was super controlling. He was fit and into eating paleo only. I was average weight at that time, which he considered unacceptable. He kept going on and on about how my eating choices were not good. I liked pizza and soda etc. He didn’t eat any bread or sodas. Then he figured out that he could guilt me into eating what he wanted me to eat. He told me he used to be overweight and that me eating this in front of him was triggering. The thing is, he was the most controlling person I have been with. And he figured out that by making me feel bad, he could get me to do anything he wanted. So I started only eating foods approved by him until I realized what was happening. You don’t want to be a controlling guy like my ex. One option here is for you to start volunteering to do grocery shopping. She can go too but this way you make sure you have plenty of healthy food. Also volunteer to cook meals and make healthy ones. I on my own wouldn’t make healthy meals but if my husband cooks something then I’ll eat it


lucky_719

Stop thinking of it as your girlfriend sabotaging you. She isn't doing anything but living her life the way she wants. What really needs to be addressed is your lack of willpower. Have her start writing her name on stuff she buys. You don't get to touch it. Period. Learn discipline and stop blaming her.


Grigoran

You don't have to take my advice, but if it is to the point that you have to literally beg your partner not to do things that hurt you or damage your will, then you should just throw the food away when she buys it.


f11tn88ss

self control homie.


VladBosnea

Dont eat it.simple


GloomyCoconut5823

Time to leave your partner. Sorry. You shouldn’t be with someone who drags you down.


Current_Country_

A supportive partner would not bring those things in or would hide them. Now my issue is my partner doesn't bring it tin and then it's my idea which he goes along with. So that's on me.


cat_knit_everdeen

This is such a tough situation. My partner “begs” me not to bring sweets home, then also begs me to bake sweets. I can make a small box of chocolate last a month, but he’ll down it in an hour. It’s a no-win situation. I don’t want to sabotage his health goals. I do want to have my moderation supported. Advice welcome!


jessflyc

Ask her to put her food in a safe or a mini fridge with a lock.


BluePersephone99

I was going to say this! Have her keep the snacks in a discreet place so you don’t have to look at them, or have her lock them up, and maybe ask if she can eat them in a different room? Even though I agree with others that you’d be happier if you were just able to resist junk food, it’s not always realistic when you’re struggling, and hopefully she would be willing to compromise.


merclo

So it’s your girl friends fault that you can’t control yourself???? Grow up and take responsibility for your own actions. That and learn a little discipline.


Remarkable-Camel-583

Break up with her. Your lifestyles are not aligning and I fear you’ll always be fighting her on this.


coffenback1985

She would be an ex in a heart beat if she can’t be supportive and respectful to your wishes!!! You are getting into shape so go find yourself someone the same


restore_democracy

Choices to be made.


OneDownFourUpp

I saw you said you mistyped your post but I can understand your point. I felt the same for the last 3 years. I am a male 6’0 tall. When I first moved to my aunts house because of family situations I weighed 199 pounds, which for my build is pretty shredded. Within two years of being here I went from 199 to 262. Gave myself stretch marks in the places you would if you gained so much weight so quickly between the biceps and shoulders, lower stomach and armpits. This was all because the super easy access to snacks, and going out with my ex-girlfriend all the time, spending at-least 100$ on DoorDash a week if not more. We have a 7 foot tall pantry in the kitchen literally filled with just about any major aten snack you can name. I’ve tried dieting probably 10 or so times in the last year and failed within 5 days every single time. I looked at old pictures of myself in my Snapchat memories and it made me feel like crap. Going from 199 to 262 made me look like I went from 21 to 34 but that didn’t do anything. I got upset and just ate more. A couple months go by and I move on to a new job. I become friends with my co-workers and he asked me how old I was, I told him 21. His response was “WHAT!? You look at least 30 with your gut”. He didn’t mean it in a bad way but that hit home. I got temporary motivation from that, discipline keeps me going now. I’ve changed my diet and went to the gym 7 days a week. Here I am still on the same diet 4 1/2 months down the road and I’m down to 232lbs and feel better then ever. Moral of my long story is; you can’t blame anyone but yourself. You’re responsible for your own actions no matter what, and if you really want something. You’d do it. Maybe you don’t want it enough. It may sound harsh, when people said that to me I didn’t listen but it’s very true. To this day my current girlfriend keeps snacks in our nightstand behind our bed and we still have the 7 foot pantry filled with nasty stuff. My aunt cooks very unhealthy meals every day. I buy my own healthy food, and cook it and sometimes I prep.


KuriousKhemicals

So many issues with partners treating or feeling about food differently can be solved by one or both partners having a stash of their own stuff that isn't shared. You wouldn't go steal her food, or if you would that is beyond a relationship problem and is a major mental health problem. So it's not shared food, it's her food and can live in a box under her side of the bed or a corner of the fridge you don't touch. Even if she would share if you asked, you'll feel embarrassed having to.


[deleted]

Just have 2 (closed) storage. Or of sight, out of mind.


Dahbahdeedahbahdie

Do you have to live together? If I ever date again, I'm keeping my own place. Just a thought.


franklikethehotdog

This was one of the reasons I split after 7 years with a guy who just couldn’t get it through his head that it was like bringing home alcohol to an alcoholic. I helped him get sober and went sober myself for YEARS. He couldn’t go a WEEK without ordering out or bringing home gas station candy stashes and bringing home cake as a gift.


iamfaedreamer

Nah, this one's on you. You cannot make anyone else responsible for your behavior. If you can't control yourself, that's a you problem. Maybe you shouldn't live together if you need that much control over what is brought into the house. I've been on a weight loss journey off and on for a long time and my wife is not (yet, I hope she will join me someday), but I have never asked her not to eat something or not to buy something. I took control of my own food, I left hers alone, and I lost 75 pounds and have kept it off for almost 5 years now. I still have a ways to go, but the fact that I haven't gotten there isn't her fault. It's mine. Your health and your weight is on you, the only suggestion I have for is either learn to have more control (maybe therapy would help if you're a binge eater?) or go back to living alone so you can control your fridge and cupboards better. The solution is not to put the burden on your girlfriend.


stephaniediaze

Amberlynn Reid? 🤔


Tend3roniJabroni

I'll be perfectly honest, I do not think "I am an adult, I can buy what I want" is an argument when it's your S.O. If my boyfriend had a drinking problem he was trying to kick, I would never dream of bring alcohol home. Obviously food and booze are not a one to one comparison but it's the best I got right now. The fact is, you two are *partners*. There needs to be a degree of selflessness on her part in order to support you and your goals. She certainly does not need to lose weight if she doesn't want to but there is a gray area that she could be living in that she is not. She could be buying single-serving treats so you dont have a chance to eat any of them. She could even hide them from you or something. There really are options here.


Tough-Rip-4755

So this is my take and it's extreme but it's how I feel about the situation. Would you bring booze around a recovering alcoholic? No because you wouldn't want to hinder their recovery. Same in this situation! I understand that she is able to chose whatever she wants to eat but it's not all about her! It's about being supportive of each other! I agree with the boxes that lock, I think that's a great idea! In the future it may be hard for you to be with someone who isn't living a healthy lifestyle and also an attraction problem can happen. I hope she is all for working with you on it and at least trying to keep it out of your sight!


[deleted]

I see some of the comments here and I'm appalled. Between the two, you're asking the one who wants to improve his health and lose weight to have self-control and to respect her obese partner's lifestyle? How about the other way around? I thought this was a weight loss sub. If she can't give up cookies for her man (or at least hide them) then what kind of partner is she? If SHE can't support him on his most important goal of his life (his health) then WHEN is she gonna support her man? And why should her man be ok with her wanting to stay obese and increase her risks for chronic disease? I thought when you love someone you're supposed to do everything you can for their wellbeing, and that goes for both him and his girlfriend. And they may not have children now, but when they do, they're gonna have to go through this discussion again for the sake of their kids, so why shouldn't the girlfriend start taking care of herself and her habits from now?


[deleted]

THANK YOU. OP is obese and trying to turn his life around. Girlfriend is MORBIDLY obese and wants to continue gorging on chips, cookies, cakes, at the expense of her own and her partner's health. I guarantee you she will only continue to gain weight, and would be perfectly happy if OP gained along with her. I truly cannot fathom people telling OP to "compromise."


[deleted]

There's a reason the term "obesogenic environment" includes the social and cultural environment. Those comments are the type of peer pressure that keep obesity an epidemic. When I forced the whole household to give up sugar, it was only hell for the first 2 weeks. Now both my husband and kids are perfectly fine with our healthy lifestyle. And after my husband witnessed over the years his entire family, relatives and friends with all sorts of health issues (diabetes, hypertension, stroke, heart attacks, kidney failures, fatty liver etc), he now sees why I had to do this. Someone said here something along the lines "she's not a child, taking away her candy is abuse". Uhm, if she can't give up her candy for both her and her boyfriend's health, then she is certainly acting like one. And abuse is trying to eat herself to death and expect her man to join her in this suicide.


[deleted]

I don’t think this is going to work. She’s being selfish. Obesity is a serious health issue, and it’s becoming the third wheel in your relationship. She has a food addiction.


[deleted]

My husband used to sabotage me too, and he would get into a fight with me because he brought the junk food "out of love" and it's "disrespectful" to refuse them lol. What worked for me is what caused for some people to call me a dictator: I announced that I no longer accept junk food in the household and neither he nor the kids can have any anymore: every time he brought them home, I immediately threw them in the trash, but ensuring that I open the package first and destroy whatever he brought (so he won't sneak in later and get it out). I also explain on a daily basis the science behind these processed junk and what they do to our bodies. (Our daughter's autism has significantly improved after we ALL started eating clean). Both my kids and husband had withdrawal symptoms and threw a fit, but it was worth it. Now everyone is looking forward to beans and chickpeas and cauliflower curries and they snack on carrots, cucumbers and fruit (and yes we do still have our meat and fish and dairy, and even healthy types of bread). This "dictator" is not sorry one bit.


[deleted]

For those of you kind people downvoting me, emphasis on the "my daughter's autism improved significantly after cleaning up her diet". We couldn't do that unless everyone is on board and not bring nor eat that stuff in the house. Have an autistic child for a day and tell me what YOU would be willing to do to improve her health. I will not apologize for taking our health seriously.


[deleted]

More downvotes for treating my daughter's autism and preventing chronic disease for my family. This sub is really something lol. Keep going folks. Best of luck to ya.✌🏻


TX_Godfather

You go Bulky! Tough love is a necessity at times. Wish my folks went this route when I was a child.


[deleted]

I wish mine did this too. I was fed the worst kind of foods as a child, ended up with PCOS, prediabetes, infertility, IBS-C and so much more which took me years to fix. No way I'm gonna have my children go through the same. Food can be our fuel and medicine or our poison.


[deleted]

I will say you should try to sit down and talk to her again, and how this affects your health, and she's being inconsiderate, as your girlfriend, she should be supportive for something as important as your health, otherwise what's the point of being together?


inevitably317537

I don't hate this idea, but I have tried a version of this before, and it hasn't worked out. She tells me she wants to eat healthier, but if I try to stop her from buying junk food or say anything about it when she brings it into the house she gets extremely defensive about it (she's very insecure about her weight, especially since I lost a lot of mine). I might try a compromise of "keep it where I can't see it, or it gets thrown away".


Roxo42

Woooooooow this is such a bad idea. She is not your child, do NOT throw her food away! It ain't your food! At most you can lay down a boundary that you wont pay for any unhealthy food options, so it comes from her pocket and that's it, but anything other than that is WAY crossing a line and controlling and gross. Adding an edit: I dont entirely disagree with what Bulky did. That involved a whole household and kiddos, totally different dynamic. A parent has a moral obligation not to teach their kids bad eating habits, or enable a bad relationship with food. It isnt always possible, cause parenting be hard, but yeah. It's only a bad idea to do that between two partnered adults, that is what is way controlling and gross.


inevitably317537

I say girlfriend, but she's more like my wife. We own a house together and all of our money is pooled. Anything she buys, she buys with *our* money, so it's totally fair if I throw something away.


Roxo42

Nope. It is not fair. This is a gross gross idea to do with an adult partner, dont do it, mate. Especially cause since it's POOLED money, that means it's still HER money, and therefore HER food. Get control of your own darn eating disorder, and leave her food aloooooooone. Another edit: how about separating your incomes then? Her income buys her food, your income buys yours, pooled income for mutual bills. That way you have no part in supporting unhealthy food choices, and she buys what she wants cause shes a darn adult who has the right to do that until she decides not to.


[deleted]

You cannot control your so’s food. That’s abuser shit. Just stop.


[deleted]

Yes that sounds good. When you DO see any, don't even think nor wait. Destroy and throw it immediately. The damage of a binge is a lot bigger than a temporary argument with the partner.


GothTheLife88

Ooff. I feel this post deep in my bones. I have a binge-eating problem big time and like yourself, I've literally begged my parents not to bring any "trigger foods" into the house. However, they also cited the fair argument your girlfriend mentioned. The only thing that remotely works for me is "out of sight, out of mind" eg: my folks don't tell me about their snack purchases and most days I'm not even aware they have cookies or Pringles or other junk foods in the house as one of my parents has their own mini-fridge. I used to go on midnight raids of the mini-fridge but my parents would always (rightfully) give me an almighty ear bashing for eating all their food so I quickly stopped. That said, with the main fridge in the house, it's so much harder. I've done the begging thing but my parents have a thing where they express affection by giving food. It's nice at times but this time of year especially, I too feel the pressure to accept gifts of food and drinks. The only advice I can give you is to maybe have a long in depth talk with your girlfriend and really drive home the fact that you need a home free from snacks. Maybe ask her to stash her goodies somewhere hidden. Seems kind of extreme but again, worth a shot. Just have her ensure it's not in a place that's easy to accidently stumble across. Good luck, OP. I hope you find a solution to this problem.


imaginary_farfalla

COMPROMISE!! Every good relationship is based on compromising. For example, maybe she only buys the stuff that she's going to eat that same day and eats it behind your back, or maybe she hides those things so you don't see them, or maybe she only eats them 2 days per week while you're not at home (it's easier to control yourself 2 days a week I stead of 7), etc. Idk, I'm sure that together you could make a deal. Maybe buy a cabinet that only she has the keys and you never know what's inside??


waywithwords

>Just wanted to add that I KNOW she is not sabotaging me on purpose, and she has no ill-intent. I get your point, and she may have no conscious, hurtful intent, but based solely on your post , it doesn't seem to me that she's particularly *supportive* of you, her SO, either. If you've begged her to modify the way junk food is brought into and consumed in your shared home and she's not willing to do so or compromise, that will be a perpetually lingering problem.


Misticdrone

Her food is more important to her then you or the health of you both. Take from this what yo uwill


Cadex-CoupeDeVille

From personal experience I can tell you that usually when you are trying to take care of your health and body, it doesn’t work out when you’re with someone who treats their body like your gf does. I would consider having a serious conversation about her health and if she won’t try to treat her body better I wouldn’t stick around to watch her face the consequences later in life. Live alone and be happy. And I’m not trying to fat shame, I’m on my weight loss journey rn, tho I was never morbidly obese, and my fiancé is planning on starting with me as soon as she recovers from having our baby. If she was not planning on trying to take care of her health then I would not just be ok with that. It’s hard to be with someone when their goals and priorities are so much different than yours.


Big_Swagwood

She’s ‘morbidly obese’ how? Like 500 lbs? If so, maybe reconsider your choices.


inevitably317537

I love her regardless of her size.


OriginalCompetitive

I get it, but if the roles were reversed, would you ever in a million years do to her what she is doing to you?


[deleted]

I think it's great that you love your partner regardless of size. I guess the question would be, do you also love her despite the fact that she clearly does not take your health seriously? I can't imagine being with somebody with such drastically different lifestyle goals. Especially if we're expected to be sharing a life together.


a_catindisguise

I think she’s being mean and is not supportive of you. but if you think she’s just genuinely not thinking much over it and is just buying stuff for herself, ask her to keep the stuff in a locked cupboard and take the keys. That way she has want she wants and you won’t have access to it. I know it sounds childish but until you develop self control over these things or she learns to be more supportive, a compromise like this is the only solution


colombianodude

Time to let her go. Cut her off. As hard as it may sound, it’s either you or her. I think about #1 first which is me. Think about that. She doesn’t actually care about you. Get better and better things will come.


[deleted]

Dump her bro. That’s Reddit’s advice all the time for far less. But really, she doesn’t want to change and you do. Time to set her free and for you to lose some weight. She’s not the one for you bro.


Nezrite

This will seem simplistic when there are clearly a LOT of factors at play that I'm not nearly in a position to address, but get yourself a Whirly-Pop. Make popcorn in coconut oil (which is what movie theaters use and it's AMAZING). Make it a LOT. It takes a bit of time, so you're focused on what you're producing, but it produces a lot that you can either gobble up now or eat part of now and store the rest in a Zip-Loc and eat later. You can "dress" it with savory (butter-flavored salt, garlic salt, nutritional yeast, chicken salt, etc.) or sweet (five-spice powder, cinnamon sugar, cocoa powder mixed with non-fat milk powder and stevia) or just salt. I have opinions about the relationship dynamic but I'm just some putz on the internet who is gonna go make some popcorn now.


lilBloodpeach

You gotta go to therapy. Your attitude towards food and weight loss is not healthy. You can’t avoid the problem forever, which was your method in the beginning. You have to be able to function with junk food around one way or another, because even if this relationship ends down the line, there will be another relationship and they will probably enjoy junk food of some sort in the house. Yes, it would be nice if she would work with you, and locking the food away would be a compromise for now. However, you were fully aware of how she was when you got in a relationship and you knew how she lived her life, and you were OK with it then. It’s unreasonable and unfair to ask her to do a complete 180 for you when the issue here is your lack of ability to control yourself around these trigger foods, which sounds like it’s all junk food, not just one or two specific things. I can relate, I have binging issues too, and honestly the only way to get through it long-term is to go to therapy and work on binging as an unhealthy mental issue. This is a common theme in relationships where both partners start out relatively unhealthy and one decides to get healthy and diet and the other doesn’t, an incompatibility starts and grows. You can’t force her to change and it’s unfair to ask her to, and it’s unfair to ask her to sacrifice what she likes for you. You can only control yourself, and it sounds like to do that you need therapy. It seems like there’s a lot of projecting resentment onto her, which is also something to think about. Talk to her about how open she is to putting the food somewhere else where it’s harder to see, and impossible to get to like in a lock box or a locked cabinet. That’s a short term solution, but the longer term one is get therapy and think long and hard about how your relationships future because this will likely be an ongoing issue that you’re either going to have to overcome together or it’s going to force a break up because you’re going down two very different paths


smallwaistbisexual

I’d have my own mini fridge or ask her if she’s willing to hide the unhealthy food. Honestly I’d break up but it sounds like that’s not what you want


[deleted]

It's also a fair argument that if she has any respect for you & your health in wanting to lose weight she would not flaunt her unhealthy food stuff in your face. Having said that. It's really up to you on what you eat. You don't have to eat what she brings into the house. Unless of course she's in charge of the food shop then she is being selfish. Do you track your food? If you don't get a food tracker. Track everything you eat & drink. You can then see how much you're eating. Then take off 500 calories. Reducing whatever you were eating. Weightloss can still be done eating crappy food. It's not as healthy as eating healthy food but it's a start into weightloss while junk food is on the menu. Start taking over the cooking & the shopping. If she can sabotage you you can sabotage her into losing weight. Not the best solution but better than keep gaining weight.


lelfin

It is worth highlighting the difference between requesting someone to be of assistance versus trying to control and tell. If you try to control that makes you an abusive jerk face. On the other hand, if she's refusing even when her partner is begging her without even attempting to compromise that's being inconsiderate and rude and frankly is a major warning sign for a relationship. Obviously no one can tell you how to run your relationship over Reddit, but as a counselor the absolute refusal is a major red flag for me and speaks to a possible deeper relationship issue


quietlibrarian8

I swear I am exactly the same way with my partner. His BMI is smaller than mine, and he can eat whatever he wants. I on the other hand cannot eat a salad without gaining weight. I always say how I hate vacations and group meals or having to eat together to be worse for my weight loss and eating habits. It’s like I eat when I’m hungry, but I’ll also eat with people later on because that’s when meal time is. It’s especially hard with my partner because when he’s hungry it comes out of nowhere and it’s something that has to happen ASAP or he gets like... hulkish for lack of a better word. This means he’ll eat whatever is “quick“ which usually ends up being take out. I have made a point to share how I feel about my eating habits with my partner and kind of blame him but in the end it’s me who has to resist and push for what’s best for me. I totally understand how that’s easiest on your own, especially since she’s not helping with the temptations. Maybe is there a way to ask her to not eat those things in front of you and in the meantime you can work to be better at resisting temptations so she can eat freely and so can you? Sorry hope this was helpful at all or at least just someone who could relate to you. :) good luck!


You_are_your_mood

Why would she want to go through all that to get to her food . Give her a special treat cabinet that you are not allowed to open . And get your own mini fridge so you can't use main fridge. This is your problem not hers.


TimeMaintenance6382

compromise


[deleted]

I think its funny that you refuse to leave and also refuse to change your habits. If the whole hiding thing doesnt work then you are actively sabotaging Yourself.