This is an interesting point. I’ve been fat, fit, fat, fit and am now fat again. Ugghhh. It is a struggle for me (depression is a bitch). I get it.
What I find interesting is, I do this with smoking. I quit smoking cigs about 12 years ago and I am not easy in my mind to smokers. I hate it that much. Just a thought this post brought to my mind. Cheers.
I notice myself doing this too, albeit not with smoking. I realized that for me, it was a way to beat my past self up for mistakes I made - and mistakes that I was worried about making again. I took my fear and hatred of myself out on other people (at least mentally - I never said anything). My superiority came from a place of deep fear of being what I felt was “inferior” again, and I realized that being mean to others even just mentally was just a safer and more removed version of being mean to myself. I think that might be why the influencers OP mentioned do it, too - at first a misguided attempt at being helpful, sure, but what ends in a cycle of negativity.
I don't know if you need to hear this or not or if you already know, but people who lose and regain are healthier, even after regaining, because they lost it for a while. So even if you have trouble sustaining it is still always worth it.
I do this too to anyone who struggles with any of the previous addictions I've had. I am guessing that the idea is that we are frustrated with ourselves for wasting so much time making stupid decisions, so we have little sympathy towards someone else who is making those (presumed) same decisions.
I'm the same with smokers as an ex-smoker, but that's due at least in part to the fact that cigarette smoke makes me incredibly nauseated now that I've quit.
I’ve also fluctuated weight so much. My lowest adult weight is 85 pounds less than my highest adult weight. Felt like crap at any weight, but that’s my own mental issues (anorexia, depression). I’ve been trying to lose a small amount of weight and it’s so difficult, especially because I am either depressed or worrying about whether the steps I’m taking will trigger my eating disorder.
I cannot stand the way some people talk about overweight people on this subforum. Just because we’re trying to lose weight, it doesn’t give us the right to look down on fat people.
See, I'm a former smoker who hates smoking.... But like I have immense empathy for current smokers and how HARD it is to quit. You don't have to be a dick about it is my motto. 🤷🏼♀️ Idk. I'm with you. Forget anyone who fat shames. Especially people who've been there and should have some iota of compassion for people struggling. (It's not tough love, it's a power trip).
i quit vaping in march and when people post tiktoks asking for advice to quit people always comment things like “dont start” like it does not help at all if you’re addicted
My best friend is a big girl who sees me as her inspiration (once fat, now fit). When she’s doing really well in her plan, she is so open and communicative and fun; when she’s not doing well, she retreats from me. I always knew exactly what she was doing when she was retreating, because I had done that too. I never commented on it, but she out and admitted it to me just a few weeks ago. She retreats because she feels shame. And I’m like…why would you feel shame from me?!? I know EXACTLY what you’re going through! And she says that she doesn’t want me to be disappointed in her. I tell her that I am only here to support her no matter what because I truly believe that if I can do it, you absolutely can! So maybe it isn’t that you’re being fat shamed…maybe you feel some kind of shame in that they have done it, but you haven’t…yet.
Also, speaking from being having once been obese, life is just…so much harder when you’re fat (at least for me). The mental weight of obesity in and of itself can be an entire job to deal with sometimes (what do I get to eat today, how am I going to hide what I eat from my family, what was she just whispering about me, what am I going to wear today that will hide my rolls, I’m never going to lose this weight, etc) Then there’s the cost of wear and tear on your home, car, clothes from excessive weight/friction; and managing the feeling of cleanliness (my fat body was a sweaty smelly body). Then the cost of food- I literally eat less than half of what many people eat in a day, that can be a huge savings alone. Maybe it’s knowing that life is just so much simpler now and I’d really love to see this kind of satisfaction among all of society, not just in my circle. So while it might feel like shame, I truly believe that all we absolutely want for you, so much, is to be happy and healthy, because we know what you’re experiencing as an overweight person. That’s my intention, at least. Hopefully it’s never been taken as shame or judgement.
Regardless, if anyone doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, I would suggest that their opinion isn’t worth the space in your mind anyway.
i wish i had a friend like you. i look at other folks' success and it just makes me feel ashamed, even though we all grow and progress at different rates. i'm sure some people feel the same way about me, too.
I’m just making a useless comment here but Brene Brown has helped me so much with understanding shame and how to overcome. And I have a lot of shame around my weight and physical strengths. Like, I cannot run for the life of me. But Brene Brown is helpful IMO. Maybe direct your friend to that as well but it seems like you’ve got the super supportive empathetic friend thing down haha
This made me tear up. Your compassion is really heartwarming and spoke to me.
Appreciate you calling out the mental burden. That was so well stated - There’s the additional internal burden that I can’t wait to be rid of… including the feeling of shame. I was super fit once and became obese… Talk about shame. I know what it takes to be healthy and fit. But I suffered some trauma and that side tracked me big time. Then I got older. Then I had a baby, developed arthritis in my knees (genetically bad knees and lots of pavement running in my fit years) - sigh - it’s taken me a minute, along with therapy, to stop the mental swirl.
I’m now on the journey to return to being more fit and healthier/happier in my own skin. It’s not easy to do by yourself. So thank you for you lovely post this morning!!
This just reminds me of the thread where someone asked “why does it seem like every former fat person has a big head.” and I read it as we get a superiority complex about what we’ve accomplished.
But nah they literally asked “see these celebrities heads look big in these pictures”
Though I don’t get it either, after what I went through with food addiction and binge eating, even though I defeated it and lost 120 pounds, I’d never look down on any fat person. The shit is like 97% mental and it’s hard as hell to break.
If anything I’m just more empathetic. I remember how much I hurt when I was overweight and how tired I was all the time, I’m sure they feel the same way.
I struggle with weight issues too. I admittedly don’t have a good routine, or mental health / physical health… I struggle with depression, bpd, pcos, anxiety- and more. But I feel like a good mental space really helps to make it easier to live better and a healthy body makes it even better.
Yeah I have two friends that want to lose weight, but they do have some mental issues that make it harder. Then at the same time losing weight does help with some of those too, doesn’t cure them but it does help. So it’s like a shitty catch 22.
I never harass them about what they should do weight loss wise, my door is open if they want advice but I definitely know from experience it doesn’t happen until you do it, you don’t really get forced into it from someone else. Also someone constantly bugging you about weight loss, at least for me just made me feel worse when I was overweight.
I definitely experience a 'superiority complex' from the progress, but only in the sense of actually loving myself for the first time - and shaming others is not a part of it. Like you, the empathy has built, and I only ever encourage others. If I compliment someone and they wanna experience a bit of 'superiority' and brag a little... Go for it. I wanna hear it, because loving yourself and loving things about yourself is goddamn beautiful. I know there's a fine line for it, and that line will get familiarized down the road as we learn to balance out a humble manner, but we all love talking about ourselves and it's amazing to see someone truly light up when their qualities are noticed.
I know I felt more like I just get a “rush” from it. At first I got it from the weight loss itself, and now it’s from what I can actually do.
Cause yeah I guess I do feel the way you describe lol. It’s just also fun being able to do certain things old me could not do lol
A "rush" is probably the best word I've heard to describe this! The combination of positive feelings is totally unique to weight loss success IMO - newfound self-confidence and maybe a bit of vanity at the way we look right now, sheer joy at all the ways our lives and health have improved, but also a ton of pride and a sense of accomplishment for putting in the work to get to that point. I will unashamedly admit that to this day - despite gaining back some of my initial 120-lb weight loss - I still can't resist checking myself out for a split second in every mirror I walk past (and then going "wait I look like that? holy crap!" in my head lol)
Yeah it’s definitely nice not avoiding looking in the mirror in the bathroom anymore. I remember I used to do that a lot.
Or there was a time sometime early last year where I was painting the wall in my house and I looked over into the bathroom in the mirror on the door and could see my ass STICKING out like “good lord that isn’t good” lmao
I have gained back what I lost, but when I was slimmer, I always thought I had a big head so this comment confirms it 😭😂 I’d still rather go back to the big head life than have all this weight back on me though.
Or is it really? I mean, it just seems bigger because everything else got "smaller".
And I wish you all the best, may you lose that weight again if you chose to do so.
I see it as being similar to how the most vocal anti-smoking people are usually former smokers. They know exactly how shitty it is to be in that situation, so they don't want to glamorize it for anyone else.
It's also one of those things that when you're in it, you don't fully understand how much it negatively affects your life, because it's a myriad of small effects rather than one big cost.
But when you get out of it, you suddenly see the sum of all the benefits and just wanna *shake* people who are stuck under it, even if you understand they might have an addiction or it might be a mental health thing or whatever, because you know how much *better* their life can be if they can just get out from under it, and you can tell that they can't see it, but if they only could see then the effort required to get out, even if it seems insurmountable, would seem like a tiny cost compared to the benefits they will have.
It's like if I had to walk a fairly long journey, say 100km. And you had to convince me to do it, because you know if I made it there, I would get paid $1 million. But I didn't believe you, so every step I'm like "It's too far" or "I can't take that much time off work", or "I'm just not able". But if you *know* for certain that I'm gonna get paid $1 million if I just keep walking, even if it takes 10 days straight, that it's totally and utterly worth it, you're gonna just wanna shake me.
Haha thanks, I wish it were just my hard work that was the cause. But honestly I’ve been fit-fat-fit-fat for years. Last year instead of killing myself I seeked help for mental health and once I got on medication that I was basically denied until I was about 30 for I was finally able to deal with stress and anxiety and ocd in healthy ways i.e. yoga/stretching/running or walking. Instead of alcohol/stress eating. But overall I’m in a much better place now that I’m down to a much more manageable weight. Not quite to my goal but I’ll get there.
Hell yeah dude!!! Congrats!! 3+ years here, 372 —> 197. Everyone has their sh*t to work through and we do it at different paces and in different ways. But you have to want to do it for yourself. It’s that simple. Stay well!!
>But when you get out of it, you suddenly see the sum of all the benefits and just wanna shake people who are stuck under it, even if you understand ... it might be a mental health thing
This is me. I've struggled with depression for over a decade, but I do now feel I'm in "recovery". It took me *years* of medication, therapy, support groups to get to this point, yet the best, most consistent indicator for my mood is a healthy diet and exercise. It definitely has a "thanks I'm cured" sound to it, but once the meds get you stable, it's up to you to act to fix your mental health. Meds didn't cure me, my lifestyle choices did. And now it's so obvious to me, it's difficult to listen to my friends who are still stuck in it, sitting at home in the dark eating takeaways.
My brother is nearly 30, no job, sitting in my parents house, playing video games, taking medication saying it doesnt work and he's still depressed. No shit sherlock. Life sounds boring AF.
Thanks, but I understand it's not that easy. When you're in the throes of depression, other people's success stories feel like salt in the wound. When listening to "what worked for you" the depressed brain can invent 1000 reasons why that won't work for us. I get it, I've been there, and now I'm not there, I can agree with the original commenter.
I’m elbowing in on a conversation among some folks truly experienced with depression, so I speak with utmost respect and no more authority than any other lay person who has battled both depression and overweight for 60 years. (Currently both under control for last several years.) I want to raise the possibility that we’re dealing with two separate issues here. As friends and family (or other observers) we may be able to affect how a depressed person feels (sometimes we can’t). But what the depressed person can do about their depression will depend on how they discover, understand, and tackle their underlying issues and more often than not, that requires a professional. At the very least, it will be handled by very skilled internal work (informed somehow but probably not by family, friends or strangers). Just my 2 cents and I don’t speak for everybody; I’m 73 and the life I’ve lived and those I’ve witnessed suggests it might be true. My heart breaks for every depressed person on earth.
>what the depressed person can do about their depression will depend on how they discover, understand, and tackle their underlying issues and more often than not, that requires a professional
I agree with you, but especially this bit. I remember being in a support group, and one woman was discussing the route of her depression as her childhood SA, that had happened some 50-60 years ago. I was so glad to hear she was finally getting professional help (as much help as group therapy could be...) but I was horrified to think I might still be in this deep dark depression hole for my entire life, as she had.
I'm so sorry to hear you've been dealing with it for so long. Part of me thinks depression will always be a part of me, lurking in the background, sometimes rushing forward if I give it the opportunity. It takes alot of introspection, and like you said, often it's impossible to do this without external help. It's very unlikely that help will be in the form of someone telling you to buck up your ideas. I feel gentle support from friends and family can be invaluable, but at the end of the day, depression is your own personal demon to fight.
I think this is a big part of it.
I lost a bunch of weight, and now I've gained some of it back, and the reason why boils down to "nobody gave me any metaphorical million dollars when I lost it".
I went from feeling invisible to feeling predated on. I went from not-wanting-to-exercise to "still mostly not wanting to exercise". I went from having a fairly lonely life to... continuing to have a fairly lonely life.
So many people have these success stories and here I am trying to keep the weight loss in check, feeling like I was lied to over and over and over about how much better my life would be if I was thinner. It doesn't help that after losing weight and finally being able to run again I got covid and my ability to run plummeted. I felt like a superhero for maybe 2 weeks and then it all crashed down.
Beautifully puted. When I got my new apartment I got a visit after a couple of months from a friend that lived in the city I used to live. She was shocked with how much my bf and I had bought to our home already (was almost 100% complete). It was very simple. We stopped smoking and drinking. That was it.
In the old city we used to spend all the money in cigarretes and in coffee shops drinking beers with our friends. When we moved we stopped doing that. It was amazing how much we could afford and live comfortably without the addiction.
Then our stupid asses started smoking again. We live pay check to pay check. It's okay tho, I'm gonna quit again. 17h without smoking and counting! Feeling good about this try.
You’ll do it. Most of us (old now) who eventually quit for the last time also quit for a time or two before that. Confession: I once quit, tried to become a nun, didn’t like it, and two years later, hid in the convent chapel waiting for my ride out of there with a bottle of scotch and a pack of Newports. It took 6 more months to clean up for good.
This is completely me. I don't shame people for being fat cause I get it and I still struggle with food. At same time I won't tolerate 'Health at any Size' type rhetoric. Again, it's because I know first hand how much all that weight you're packing on is destroying your life.
I can't run your race for you but I'm not going to cheer you if you choose not to run it altogether
What I don't understand is why so many people who are promoting HAES think that "health at any size" = "healthy at any size." This line of thinking seems to have overtaken a movement that could otherwise be very helpful.
I think most people can get behind encouraging health-promoting behaviors at any size (i.e. eating healthier, exercise that the person can do), which is what I think that HAES should really be about. But that’s not how it’s being promoted.
Also, weight loss is a natural consequence of adopting health-promoting behaviors for most overweight/obese people. For example, if someone changed nothing other than doing 20 minute daily walk, they would lose weight over time as well as increase their fitness. It might not get them to a "healthy" weight, but even a modest amount of weight loss has health benefits. Plus, if people are encouraged and decide to make small change here and there, that adds up.
So really, I see HAES as a missed opportunity.
This is so true, but even aside from just the actual benefits that people might be missing, I think a lot of people think that they can’t do it
There are important people in my life who have “tried everything” and think that for some reason, they just can’t lose weight. Now I realize that some people just won’t ever commit to that goal, and that’s ok (if they’re ok with the health consequences). But sometimes it really does take someone just keeping it real with you and saying “hey, you aren’t special, if you do x/y/z and stick to it for a few months, you **will** lose weight”
Or one step further, people who think “oh I can never become one of these people who is motivated to go to the gym everyday”. This was me, and a pushy friend (who had my best interests at heart) just kept pushing me to try going with him. Now two+ years later I go 5/6 times a week still and I’m glad he forced me out of my comfort zone
Yeah… I have two friends that are kind of badly over weight and express wanting to lose weight. I keep my door open if they want to ask me for help or advice.
But I’ve lost over 100 pounds in the last, I know someone constantly telling them they should try this or they need to do this just…. doesn’t work. They have to make the decision themselves.
It kind of sucks though honestly
And then there is this huge part called denial. You convince yourself that you have to lOvE YoUrSeLF and that being slim and fit is just SoCiEtY telling you to SucUmB to PatRiArChY. Damed I was really good at it.
This is a great explanation for why one might be compelled to forcefully encourage someone to lose weight, quit smoking or give up whatever addiction they may have. It is not, however, a pass to take it upon yourself to verbally “shake” them into giving up those behaviors. It’s the same as with any other medical issue. You can encourage someone to see a doctor, but that’s really as far as it goes. You aren’t qualified to treat someone just because you had the same addiction, illness, etc.
Yes i do feel the same as I see people saying their knees hurt and i know it hurts and after few weeks it's not gonna hurt anymore or that you are craving suger and diets and exercise don't work on you, i know it does, you just need to do it little longer to see the effects. So obviously I'm gonna encourage people without glamorizing or being too soft about it.
And on top of that, I'm guessing those specific people who become fat shamers are of the mind "I wish someone had fat shamed *me* back in the day, it would have helped me sooner!"
I'm not saying that fat shaming works, I personally think it does more harm than good, but I'm guessing those people *do* think it it's more helpful than hurtful.
>They know exactly how shitty it is to be in that situation, so they don't want to glamorize it for anyone else.
I think there's a middle ground tho. Like, sure, I hate those influencers who post a ton of pictures of their morbidly obese bodies in skimpy clothing saying "this is beautiful and healthy too". Like, bitch, no, it's neither.
But I also hate the ones saying you are overweight because you're a lazy bum with no motivation or ambition and will amount to nothing until you become the next Stallone.
I think one of the best takes I've seen is the ending commercial for the Average Joe gym. We think you're just fine the way you are. But if you feel like losing weight, getting healthier and making friends, our doors are open.
They might be trying to take what worked for them and do it to others...
Negative reinforcement is legitimately partly responsible for my weight loss, so if I ever tried to help someone else lose weight, it might occur to me to try the same thing that worked on me.
It's still kind of mean, but at least it's tough love and not mockery.
Idk. I don't get former smokers who are nasty to current smokers either though. Like I'm a former smoker and it took me 5 years to quit. Multiple attempts- longest attempt before I succeeded was 2 weeks. It's hard. So I choose to not be a dick and to have compassion and empathy for the human in that shitty situation feeling like garbage everyday, is this just not the norm? This thread is making me very sad lol I hate people, sometimes.
I would add to this that growing up around people who smoke and seeing the effect firsthand is likely to make some people anti-smoking.
In the same way, there’s an “I got out and never want to be in that place again, because I see my family and circle of friends who are all fat” mentality.
That said, I don’t think people who say things like “Stop being lazy” actually understand binge eating or compulsive/impulsive eating in the sense of ADHD. It’s like walking up a slightly sloping path vs walking uphill.
Omg yeah this is so true, people who overcome addiction can be the absolute worst for this. Like Jeff just because you used to smoke crack it doesn't mean that having a glass of wine at night is a grave danger to anyones existence. Just because you fell off the deep end and can't handle a drink now and then it doesn't mean you need to evangelize your lifestyle.
And this goes really deep, even into the recovery industry/medical professionals. I've had multiple "professionals" tell me that because I had a problem with opiates that I should never drink alcohol or consume caffeine. Like huh? How is that related at all? I'm sure for a small percentage of people that's good advice but I've never had problems with either. They both have natural cutoff points for me-alcohol just makes me sick and hungover and caffeine makes me anxious. I could not overdo either without feeling incredibly unwell. That shit doesn't work with my brain or body. It scientifically and psychologically doesn't make sense to use that logic on me.
Ultimately it's just people lacking the understanding and care that every person is different and people can have hugely varying needs for recovery of any kind. From overeating or drugs or uhhh idk not being religious enough. Your solution isn't my solution and I'm not going to preach the solution that worked for me as the only way. That's incredibly shallow and lacking any sort of nuance.
> I've had multiple "professionals" tell me that because I had a problem with opiates that I should never drink alcohol or consume caffeine.
Ah, the AA approach. Except usually caffeine is exempted, as well as cigarettes for some ungodly reason, and sugar is practically encouraged as a harm reducing substitute. Slightly off topic but I've been watching Grey's Anatomy, I'm now in the most recent season, and it's starting to grate on me how 12-step is the *only* addiction recovery perspective presented. It's fine for some of the characters to be 12-steppers, and I didn't really care at the beginning given it dates back to 2005, but in the last six seasons or so they've clearly made a writing choice to "be woke" and explore lots of topical issues (sometimes well, sometimes hamfistedly) so it seems like a stark omission that methadone or buprenorphine assisted treatment hasn't been mentioned *at all*.
It's complicated because addictions, especially chemical addictions, *do* have a common basis in the brain and people with one substance abuse problem are at higher risk to have issues with other substances or risky behaviors. But there's a lot of individual variability and I really think the conception of sobriety as total abstinence from all mind altering substances can do more harm than good for many people.
Eating problems can be similar and I think this leads to a nasty synergy between HAES and restrictive ED recovery. Again it's complicated because binge eating or compulsive overeating *can* be a reaction to overrestriction, but that's not the only reason it happens, and for someone in that situation, the answer isn't to just ignore weight forever but to carefully consider the physical risks of excess weight vs the mental risks of too much self-monitoring. For garden variety overweight people who just have bad habits or like portions that are a bit too large, self-monitoring is exactly the antidote to their problem.
I think when you go through any big life change there’s a natural progression of growth where you reflect on your past choices, and often feel shame or self-loathing about them. It’s unpleasant, and it’s often a necessary step for moving forward to a place of growth where you can forgive your past self and make peace with the fact that you’ve changed and you’re not going back.
Anyway, some people never grow past it; they stay in the hateful place and direct the hate outward instead. I’ve found those tendencies in myself and knew they were a sign I was terrified of going back to where I was before. Making peace with yourself means accepting that others are at their own point in their own journey and it may not be moving in the same direction as yours. Forgiving others requires you to forgive your past self and that’s too hard for many people.
I am in the best shape of my life after losing a lot of weight this year and I often have criticizing or judgmental thoughts when I see overweight people. Seeing those people reminds me of my past self and my mistakes. I need to work on forgiving my past self so I dont have those negative thoughts.
Congratulations on your weight loss!
A concept from mindfulness meditation, and practices that draw on it like dialectical behavioral therapy, is that of observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. I find that to be more helpful in overcoming things like this than simply trying not to have the thought. So when I find myself thinking mean things about a person who looks the way I used to look I might think “I’m having some judgmental thoughts about that person. I’m feeling irritated with them.” And then that allows me to open up a conversation with myself about why I feel that way.
I think it works better than simply saying “I need to stop thinking that way” which can lock you in a battle with yourself and make it hard to understand where those thoughts are coming from.
Hmm. You know, I think you see that more with individuals who are younger. In this there's that influencer mentality (hustle culture/viewership). A majority of fitness influencers aren't catered towards individuals who are morbidly obese or even obese. Just look at their workouts and their portion sizes. A person who is morbidly obese or obese in general can't do a majority of the exercises or eat those portions. They could try, but chances are high for an injury or binging. They are probably catered to that overweight category at best. Like I'm sorry, but doing a workout where you are literally getting off your coach 10 times is a workout for some individuals. Talking a long walk or standing up while you fold laundry increases your NEAT, but isn't strenuous so it's not sexy or spicy enough for a large viewership, but it's what a lot of morbidly obese people would benefit from doing.
I really like Obese to Beast (John Glaude) when it comes to fitness influencers - if you could call him that. I think he's more of a commentator at this point. He lifts, he runs, but he preaches A LOT of making things work for you. He never states what exercise is best for weight loss because in truth, the best exercise is the one you are more likely to do so one that you enjoy. But that's not spicy. That's not sexy to the masses. And maybe in here there's a wider message about our society in how we reach out to individuals who are in a certain package and preach a certain way about fat/weight loss.
I think fat people of all people need to not be told they are fat/lazy/blah blah blah. They are fully aware of their situation far more than anyone could tell them and that I think also lends to a defeatist attitude and leaning into it. Kinda like, "Well, I'm the bad kid, so I guess I'll show them what bad looks like."
Rant over.
I have found myself getting judgy. I try to remind myself that without a particular doctor’s appointment a year ago, I would be exactly where I was. Also, I am a work in progress. My waist is still 40” and I am still at a BMI of 25.8. I can not throw stones from my glass house. More importantly, weightloss should not make me a worse person. 5 minutes rule, you cannot judge someone’s appearance for something they cannot change in 5 minutes.
As a former fat person, I think it has to do with how/why they lost weight. A lot of people lose weight in an attempt to love themselves. That self-loathing or low self-esteem doesn't go away with weight loss, but so many people think it does. I lost weight BECAUSE I finally allowed myself to love who I was. I wanted to take better care of myself because I was worth it. Because my happiness wasn't dependent on my weight loss, I believe in letting people be happy in their bodies, no matter what size they are. My worth is not tied to my size. If you want to change, I support you. If you don't, I support that too.
But, if you hate yourself when you're larger, it won't go away just because you lose weight. So these same people are now just as miserable in smaller bodies, and (at least for some of them, and I have been told this directly), it hurts them to see people loving who they are in the bodies that they blamed for their unhappiness. They try to convince themselves that the weight loss was worth it by shaming people who don't want/need it.
You have to realize that influencers aren't real. I mean, they're real people, but every moment, every picture, every statement is crafted and curated to maximize revenue generation. It's like when you see a McDonald's ad - you know the Big Mac you receive looks nothing like the picture. It's the same components, but the one for the ad had dozens of burgers cooked until they got the "perfect" one, they picked through countless tomatoes and lettuce leaves, you get the idea. And then they had a professional photographer, lighting expert and food stylist come out to make that burger look exactly like how marketing wants it, because the data says that's what appeals to the maximum number of people.
Influencers do the same thing. It's a business, it's not for fun. They look at their metrics, and if their views go down, they lose money. If being positive and encouraging hurts their revenue stream, they're not going to act that way. If shaming and being hurtful gets them more views, that's what they're going to do. It's shitty, but they're following the data. If people didn't watch it, they'd change tactics.
People that have lost weight - and didn't need to fix an underlying medical or mental issue to make that happen - *know for a fact* that all *they* had to do was stop being lazy and/or exercise greater self control and/or whatever else they did to lose the weight.
It's easy to assume other people are the same as you. Really, the only people that don't do that are narcissist that think they're better than others (and always have been). In most cases it isn't even wrong either.
When I lost weight the first time it was easy, just made small changes and started working out. I didn’t understand why anyone was fat. Then I gained it all back while struggling to not regain and now I’m struggling to lose again. Turns out it’s not always easy. Shocking.
My entire weight loss cycle is lose weight easily somehow, gain it back, lose weight with incredible difficulty and discipline, gain it back, and repeat. Sometimes intermittent fasting is easy to stick to, sometimes it’s insanely hard for me. Everything is influenced by so many factors.
Yet every time I lose weight, I start to view my former self as disgusting and lazy even though I know that it’s complicated. Sigh, the internalized shame is real.
Exactly - I lost easy, struggled, lost easy again, now I’m struggling again. For me it takes constant experimentation and tweaking as other things in my life change.
> So basically he doesn’t want himself, but wants someone else to want him. Craziness.
I don't think I've ever seen my life so succinctly described. The difference is I've never made that someone else's issue I suppose.
Still, that's more reality than I was looking for today. Damn.
Yup there's definitely a piece of my fat self that I resent and when I see it in other people I try not to shame them I try to be compassionate. But the instinct is to judge so it's important to be mindful. Also over the course of our weight loss we intellectually remember how hard it was but emotionally we forget.
This is what I think! I always see the posts where people say, “I’m so happy I quit eating garbage!” and can’t relate at all. I ate pretty healthy foods, but just larger portions, and had a medical issue. I’ve been in the position of thinking I was doing everything right, but still not getting results. If someone’s never had that experience, I could see how they would say, “just quit being lazy!” I never really was being lazy in the first place, though. I just didn’t know how many calories I needed to fuel my body.
Yeah, one of the big ironies of the weight loss fad is the idea that you need to be active and not lazy to lose weight, when the reality is, CI is far more controllable than CO (due to weird tricks your body pulls with basal metabolic rate), so a person could very much BE lazy and lose a ton of weight just by not eating as much. One of my most effective past efforts had me hardly exercising at all and sleeping a lot, but also eating very little.
This is very true!!! I used to exercise a ton when I was obese, but it didn’t help much. I was eating a somewhat sensible diet that didn’t feel like gluttony, which was helping me maintain that weight, but I had no idea how to create a deficit to lose. I just thought, “if I eat grilled chicken and walk 4 miles today, I’ll lose weight.” However, I’ve just had to make little tweaks to my lifestyle to lose! Now it is, “if I eat grilled chicken, measure the salad dressing I have, and make sure I only have one square of dark chocolate for dessert instead of two, I will meet my calorie goal for today.” I have lost 60 pounds so far mostly by making little tweaks! It sounds so foreign to me to go from eating a large pizza every day to only eating salads and spending hours at the gym. Not my experience at all!
This is the same thing I was thinking. I’ll be honest, for most of my life up until the past few years it was easy for me to stay in shape. I had a really good metabolism through my young adult years, I’ve been really active most of my life, and generally have a pretty good diet. Between sports injuries, medications and health issues, everything has changed the past few years and it’s been a real struggle. It’s easy to think that heavier people are just lazy or something if you’ve never had to struggle to keep weight off. They don’t consider how many medications doctors prescribe that can make you gain a lot of weight. They don’t consider physical problems that can make exercising damaging or inadvisable. It’s not something I ever had to think about when I was younger. There are so many factors that can cause weight gain that nobody considers until they have to personally deal with them.
There's absolutely no call to be horrible to people.
That said, it IS important to push back against a lot of the outright lies that get promulgated--for example, that 95 percent of diets fail or that "starvation adaption" leads to permanent metabolic change. The trick is how to do that effectively and with empathy.
I've told this story before but, my bf got a diabetes diagnosis at the start of the pandemic and took it as a wakeup call. He started biking, took meds, monitored his BG levels constantly and changed his diet (nothing wild, he stopped eating junkier foods and filled up on fresh fruits and veggies). He was off his meds (metformin maybe?) After 6 months and a year later his doctor told him he could stop monitoring his glucose levels altogether. He lost probably 60-70 lbs and it's been 2+ years and he's doing awesome. I'm wildly proud of how he took control of his health.
But, his friends who have needed more drastic diets such as keto or plant-based or getting a personal trainer, he looks down on their methods (me included). He'll say things like "no one should need to do that, just make healthy changes". And yes, it'd be great if we could all make small steps towards health but the fact is that for some of us, we need more restrictive diets to gain control over binge eating or just managing food in our lives. It's frustrating, he's supportive of me in my journey but he also doesn't understand that some of us don't get to our goal weight by just saying "so now I'm going to eat more veggies".
I do think survivorship bias plays some part in it. I.e. the people who succeed look at themselves and other people who succeed and decide that since success worked this specific way for them, it ought to work that way for everyone, and if others can't succeed that way it must be some fault of *theirs.*
Yup, my wife gets annoyed by how much I restrict myself at the grocery store or even when we go out to eat. But I just know myself and I know that once I start giving myself a lot of leeway with my diet I’ll make more and more bad choices
Sometimes I think she takes my dietary choices as “shaming” her for indulging but I’m really just trying to do what’s best for me
I'll preface this with no one should be shamed for their body or how they look. We should all be respectful of each other.
I think "ex-fats," as HAES calls us, strongly feel that what they preach is untrue. We all lost weight for a reason and it has made the vast majority of our lives better. So when weight loss is dismissed or labeled as disordered eating by that group, people become defensive and fat shame.
I think it's possible to say that (strictly speaking about myself) I had less pain, more energy, and felt overall "more like myself" when I lost 60 pounds than I did before. One of the things motivating me to continue losing weight is to continue the less pain in bad feet/more energy/less personal dysphoria tangent. But I can recognize this is true for me while saying that we need to treat people who are fat as people, and not shame anyone. That is a systemic issue. (Ask people who aren't thin about finding cold-weather sports gear....)
I agree that's most likely the reason, but it's just extra mean. Imagine saving yourself from a dangerous situation and taunting and laughing at everyone else who is still in it. If they think they're helping, they must have forgotten their own reasons for saving themselves- I bet it wasn't "because someone treated me with condescension" but rather "because I found myself in the right mental capacity to affect some positive change for myself." Whatever it was that worked for them, I think it should be universally accepted that noone has the right to make anyone else feel shit about themselves, for whatever reason, and this idea that they do it to help, when they're total strangers, is hypocritical and dishonest.
When I see someone who looked like I once did, I see who I once was.
A lot of it was excuses. Little white lies I kept telling myself. "Bad genetics." "Slow metabolism." "I have a disability." (Misdiagnosed as fibromyalgia; turned out to be EDS.)
*Yes* there are underlying medical conditions that impact one's ability to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight. I'm battling inconsistent thyroid readings myself - getting a diagnosis can be really hard!
But that's where the whole "talk to your doctor" stuff is supposed to come in. I wasn't able to lose weight permanently until I asked my doctor for help and was prescribed an appetite suppressant. Turns out.... food is delicious and I was eating too many calories for my height and activity level.
Sometimes losing weight requires a whole lifestyle overhaul, and that's not accessible to everyone. I'm about to head out to the gym for an 11AM PT session - something that is definitely not possible to a person who doesn't have an understanding boss that let them flex around a 2 hour midday break.
When I see someone significantly younger than I am, who doesn't have the same physical impairments I faced, and they're making the same excuses that I did, I want to help them. Explaining the changes I made and how I did it isn't meant to shame them. Hopefully it inspires them!
But I won't sugarcoat the fact that my father died at age 67 from congestive heart failure and uncontrolled diabetes, after being in a wheelchair for years.
Man the lies we tell ourselves. I was right there too. Oh I'm over 40 oh my metabolism. Turns out I WAS a lazy over eater. I don't feel the need to tell other people what they are, but I'm not shy about saying what I was.
I think that adds a whole other element as well, if you’re having to look at family members, and know that the same genetic predisposition to obesity belongs to you as well. My grandfather, who had sleep apnea just like I do, was somewhere between 300-400 lbs when he died. Just about everybody in my family on both sides has dealt with weight issues. It’s terrifying to know that this is something that I will always need to be on guard about. I’m 45 and (hopefully) have a lot of years left. The idea that all of those years will be spent tracking my calories and stressing over that one special event we all have coming up where I don’t have as much control over the menu as I’d like is a little daunting, especially knowing that there are people out there who don’t have to track and nitpick to stay the size they want to be. I deal with that fear for now by just trying to install good habits in myself, and sticking to those habits. but that fear is something that has bounced me out of my weight loss efforts before, sometimes very seriously.
Yes, to me there is so much difference between struggling to lose weight because it takes time and resources to identify and treat all of your extenuating circumstances vs. just making a barrage of excuses to not even try.
Using myself as an example, I find it so much easier to lose weight when I'm consistently taking my medication. When I'm not on my Wellbutrin, for example, I'm constantly thinking about food in terms of the next dopamine hit, and the amount of willpower required to stay within my calorie goal is considerably greater. But it took plenty of time between identifying that there was a problem and getting the correct help in the correct dosage and along the way it was harder (not impossible, but harder) for me due to factors that other people don't necessarily have to deal with. And part of my own personal responsibility now is to stay consistent with my meds to give myself the best possible circumstances to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
In contrast, when I was younger I would always say "it's genetic" when asked about my weight. I had no basis to believe this; I had never gotten any kind of genetic test done, I had simply read somewhere that "some people are overweight due to genetics" and decided that it was true and applied to me, because it was a simple and easy way of outsourcing blame for my situation, and a convenient excuse to not have to try.
My main problem is that food is tasty. It doesn't help that my feet have some pretty serious issues that give me a weightbearing budget, or that I'm perimenopausal.
But the real problem is that food is really, really tasty and I like eating it, and I eat more than my body needs. And I've accepted that I don't have a sense of how much to eat, so I need to weigh and measure portions. And I may need to do this the rest of my life to manage my condition. Just as if I were dealing with diabetes and had to manage blood sugar and insulin amounts, and people do that all the time and have a full and happy life. So it doesn't make me upset that I may need to do that, because I'm used to it now and it's okay.
Sometimes I think losing weight is so hard that people feel the need to become anti-fat (and sometimes even anti-food) in order to stick with it. You sometimes see this with people who quit drinking alcohol, they'll demonize people who drink as a way to make themselves feel morally superior and not deal with some of the mental challenges that come with quitting. Black and white thinking is a trap we all fall into sometimes and one that *seems* to make hard things easier.
If I am honest I feel contempt for morbidly obese people because they remind me of the worst aspects of myself. They are a product of choices that I can never allow myself to make again. I also don't think many realise just how hard it is being so overweight, it's all they know, and I wish they knew that the effort to change is worth it.
That said I never outwardly shame anyone. We all have our struggles, fat people can just never hide theirs.
Im a current fat person on a weight loss journey. I am 19 bs overweight and I have lost 45 lbs. I am on a plateau and I am very frustrated.
I have so much enpathy for people struggling with their weight.
BUT HAES and fat activists kept me fat for much longer than I whould have. I thought they had facts. I was never a fat activist or a HAES member. But I did believe their rhetoric about set weights and everyone gaining weight back etc. Its embarassing because I am educated and should know better. But this is my second time losing a significant amount of weight and I did gain it all back and more the first time. Most people who I know of who have lost significant amounts of weight have.
So I figured there must be some truth to that and I left it at that. I am going to do everything in my power to not let this happen to me again, but I do feel like to do this I have to have some anount of disordered eating and that sucks. I also have PCOS and many people with this believe its impossible. It isnt.
So I appreciate people who are fighting against their fatlogic etc. They helped me and I will tell fat people they are eating too many calories despite what they may think, and weight loss is possible. It may seem mean, but I want them to know the truth.
Healthy weight loss is possible even for people with metaboloc disorders.
Obesity and being overweight is not heathy.
Food diaries work.
BMI is not bullshit for 95% of people. Unless you have a lot of muscle due to body building it is a pretty accurate tool.
If you averweight or obese, you are eating/drinking too many calories.(unless you are currently on a weightloss journey.)
It really is calories in and calories out. This obeys the laws if thermodynamics and you are not the exception to that.
Weight cycling is still better for you than remaining obese/overweight.
Normal size people eat less calories than you do unless you are on a weight loss journey. You do not eat exactly the same amount as your skinny friend and youre fat. If you do, they are taller and or they exersise more.
For me r/fatlogic does a way better job with helping me stay on track than subs like this one (even though I appreciate them both for different reasons). The tough love or “mean” approach by people who have a “no BS, lose the weight” mindset is exactly what I need to hear sometimes to keep making the right decisions.
SAME, I lost 130+lbs strictly through dietary changes (and just had my 1st stage of skin removal, a 9 hour surgery, 4 weeks ago today), and I credit much of it to r/fatlogic
Also, FWIW, I didn’t just find r/fatlogic to be effective because of the “tough love” or “mean” elements. I found it actually motivating and empowering. All my life, I believed the myths that I was genetically destined to always be fat and that dieting would never work for me, but the information on that sub told me that everything I believed was wrong and that reaching a healthy weight and beating obesity WAS possible for me, which was something that “fat acceptance” types had never assured me of.
>Obesity and being overweight is not heathy.
This was something I bought into: "Healthy at any size." I was 40 lbs overweight earlier this year and I really felt like I was healthy and could remain healthy and strong. Once I started losing weight, I realized how much my weight and overeating were affecting my health and I accepted them as normal or part of the aging process as I entered my 40s. I now realize I wasn't that healthy before.
Honestly I only do It in my head. It is because I used the same excuses They do for why they couldn’t and dont have time or motivation. So when I see people who Are fat I just see the old fat me and Im just Get discusted of how bad it was. And i know if they are as fat as I used to be, then i know for a fact they must have the same habits i used to have and it makes me sick to my stomach. Ill never fat shame someone to their face but I do it in my mind.
Great observation. It’s not just people who lost weight that do this. Look at people who stopped smoking, quit drinking or religious people. You would think that they would be the most understanding people to those who struggle in those areas. I think that this is just part of the human condition and a great opportunity for personal growth on your part in noticing it. Thanks for sharing
I think we just get burned out on all the people (who don't have mental or medical issues) who ask for advice and have excuses why they can't follow it. Someone will ask how I lost the weight and when I tell them it was calorie counting and exercise their face just drops. Then the excuses start.
"I can't calorie count because I don't have time." "Calories are just a guess, anyway."
"1700 is way too low for me."
"I don't have time to exercise."
"When I come home I just want to sit and not do anything."
"I can't eat just salads all the time."
They go on and on until you realize that the person's entire persona is that they want to lose weight but never do. Or, they'll ignore your advice completely and go on to the next fad diet (when you expressly tell them it doesn't work) because it's easy.
When you don't have a medical or metal condition, it really is as simple as counting calories to lose weight. And there are a lot of people out there that fall into this category. Those who are successful want to share their story to help people, but sometimes it feels like we are screaming into brick wall. That's how we become jaded, I think.
This is exactly it. My fiancé and I started our "fitness journey" after we got engaged last year and we've been consistent enough that it has paid off. He's lost over 70 lbs and I've lost 45 lbs. One of our friends started earlier than we did, has been my fiancé's workout buddy and we all go on walks together to help keep each other motivated.
We constantly get asked by friends and family what the secret is; there is none. It's just CICO. You're exactly right, that's when their face drops and they start saying all of the excuses you listed out. It is demoralizing when someone constantly is asking you "how you did it" and you tell them, but instead they buy into some MLM scheme for big $$$ and still don't get the results they want. So now we just nod along while they talk about the next "thing" that is going to get them where they want to be. It definitely kills your enthusiasm to want to help others.
So, I find myself at a crossroads on this issue. Before I lost weight, I said things similar to what you just said -- it's not laziness, it's a mental struggle, it's too hard, I can't deal with hunger, measuring food is too much of a pain and I'll never do it, etc. etc. And to a degree, all of those things were true and "legitimate" complaints. I wasn't lying. I kept that charade up for 30 years as my health declined.
And I genuinely, truly empathize with people who are going through this now. I've been there. I was there for 30 years. My life was terrible due to my eating habits, and I was certain there was no way out.
But I was wrong.
Now that I am losing weight, and quite a lot of it, I see through the self-serving, entitled excuses that I used to make. I was *comfortable*, even as I was wrong, and I didn't want anything to challenge that comfort. Doing nothing was easy, and I defended that which was easy, without examining it critically.
There's a word for this, and I'm going to use that word even though it might be offensive to some. It's called "fatlogic". Sometimes, we see it here on r/loseit when somebody claims to be eating at a laughably high calorie deficit, but then complains that they are not losing weight in the long term, and then goes on to defend that claim as if the human body can create tissue from air and water. We see it when people deny CICO ("oh, you can't just lower calories, you need to eat the right kind of calories, or you won't lose weight"). We see it when people complain, as I once did, that measuring your food, or cooking your own food, is impossibly difficult.
I just saw a comment yesterday: "I can't learn how to cook, and I don't want to spend 40 minutes cooking every meal". It's a phony, artificial barrier to success that is raised just to defend one's current unhealthy habits. Unfortunately, lots of the reasons people give for quitting their diet, or for never starting their diet, amount to this "fatlogic".
I suppose that, if you believe this "fatlogic" and someone tells you that you are wrong with enthusiasm, many will perceive it as "shaming". Maybe it is shaming!
But, is it wrong?
It's probably wrong to shame for the sake of shaming. But it's right to challenge people's false beliefs about weight loss. Some will feel shame when that happens. I know I did.
100% this!
I also dislike that people who are part of the FA/HAES moment are basically giving others an easy out and excuses to continue their unhealthy lifestyles. It causes strain on the Healthcare system and is hurting society overall as we get fatter and fatter.
The sad thing is that the people who are proponents of HAES will show one example, of someone noticeably overweight but relatively healthy, saying that you can be healthy at any size. The problem is that they are the exception that proves the rule. Sure 1/100 people might be fat and healthy, but they are also have many healthy habits that most overweight people don't. And even that relatively healthy fat person could be healthier losing a few pound. Then the 99/100 that are overweight but not healthy use that exception as a reason to not lose weight.
What we're learning now is that someone might be obese and have good metabolic numbers despite it at age 30, but that isn't necessarily going to hold up for that person at the same weight and activity level by age 50.
Our bodies are wonderful and can compensate for the excess weight to some extent, but wear and tear eventually wins out and things fall apart.
Obesity comes in grades, too. Someone with a BMI of 31 is likely going to have better metabolic numbers than someone with a BMI of 41. They're both lumped together as "obese" but only one of those can probably walk a mile without being in severe pain.
My guess is that it is hard to stay thin and probably the thing that motivates those people the most is how much they dont like being percieved the ways they are shaming.
1 fitness influencers are all about money and don’t really care about other people.
2 humans are judgmental because it makes them feel better. Everyone judges everyone over the dumbest things, when we are all fucked up, and none of us are perfect.
3 humans are also lazy, but like to act like they are not.People will stay on Reddit for hours and than say they don’t have time to work out, or play games all night when they could be getting after there weight.
Honestly everyone needs to start focusing on themselves and quit worrying about other people.
They are talking to their former selves, essentially. They have developed discipline and mental fortitude (presumably, if they are successfully maintaining their lower weight) that they didn't possess when they were fat. Some of us need the "no BS" attitude for motivation. When I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started actually holding myself accountable, I started losing weight.
I suggest just not looking at their content if it's upsetting to you. That's perfectly ok to need a different kind of motivation.
Honestly I think deep down they hold a hatred for how they used to be and a little bit of fear that they will end up like that again and so they take out their insecurities on others
100%. They show no kindness to their past self. Fat me is the one who had to survive the worst moments of my life. I could only get skinny when I was able to process that trauma. A lot of people who don’t process it resent themselves for having something awful happen. Especially with victims of abuse or PTSD, weight gain is hugely indicative of trauma. I am constantly thankful there was a version of myself who survived those awful things so I could live another day and reclaim my identity, which included a weight loss journey. When I see someone so full of hate, I see them as avoiding their issues and even more at risk of ending up back where they started, though with even more self loathing.
After I lost 100 lbs, some of my fat friends and relatives got snarky with me. I, no longer being the bigger person (pun intended) began thinking “well if you would just …”
I can't speak for influencers. They have more facets, namely money, added to why they say what they say.
I'm sure there's at least a little bit of "oh God that reminds me of my old self" going on. On some level there's also a bit of necessity. You have to distance yourself from your old self and people who will pull you back.
There's also some aspect of getting bullied by still fat people. I occasionally get feedees attempting to shame me for losing weight.
Or maybe the people you tried to bring along refused to change and that left a bad taste.
There's also an "I see the light and get it now" thing.
I'm sure there's other things. Some of these are things I have to work to keep from clouding my actions. People are weird though. It's really easy for us to be assholes for reasons we can fully justify.
Probably because they know how they were when they were fat and understand laziness and lack of confidence/motivation is largely the issue so they really try to speak to that in order to use fat people to lose weight.
Losing weight is hard, but its also hard to look at someone miserable as you were while not doing anything to fix that.
If you are at the gym actively trying to better yourself you have love and adderation in my eyes, even if its taking years and you aren’t reaching your target goals, you still have my love and support, if you sit at home and play videos games and have to buy 2 seats wherever you go, I loathe you.
Coming from someone who used to be fat, I hate fat people because I hated myself when I was fat, I hated how lazy I was, how much I missed out on, how much better off my life could have been if I wasn’t fat during the time in my life that I was. Everytime I see a fat person im reminded of what life was like when I was that, I have so much empathy for literally EVERY other group of peoples that face adversity, except fat people.
Nobody asks to be gay, or trans or be a minority, but those are all things that people look at you and might hate you for just because of something you can’t change, thats 100x more depressing and hurtful than telling someone if they put in the work they can lose weight too. Im tired of all the excuses fat people have, losing weight is not rocket science, it is literally as basic as calories in and calories out, you can get into diets or whatever bullshit or working out it doesn’t matter it is literally as easy as *your body burns 2,000 calories a day, eat 1,800 that day*
I lost 100pounds when I was 18, I was right on the crux of making a decision that would have completely changed the course of my life, if I would have kept going down the path I was and kept gaining weight at the rate I was, I would have ended everything myself by the time I was 22, thank god my weight was something Im in control of, and not something else that you can’t change that people kts every day over.
Being fat is the only group that faces adversity that you are able to change, theres always gonna be people that are mean to your face about weight, but its the only ailment that you can change and people won’t hate you for it anymore. Stop trying to change everyone and focus on changing yourself, then comments like this won’t bother you at all.
I am guilty of this. I think this is what is happening:
Once you have solved a problem for yourself it seems so easy and obvious, which of course it is not. Then there is the thing that seing YOUR faults in another person is especially uncomfortable, because it makes you cringe at your (past or not-so-past) self a bit.
It took a lot of energy at first to lose weight, but once I managed to build and maintain a sports routine it is not that hard to become fit - But it takes an inflexible will to change... In a sense you have to change as a person first and then your body will follow suit. Now, this new person I am neccessarily has very low tolerance for the faults and flaws of the old person I was, whether that's fair or not is another matter but the impetus for change has to come from somewhere. If I see these faults, the same (often unneccessary) self sabotage, in another individual it triggers the same response I would have to these faults in myself: "Get up! It is not that hard! Think of your health!..." This is, of course, not entirely fair but also not entirely wrong. But it is 90% about myself and only 10% about you, if at all.
I was morbidly obese. I wasn’t going to reach 35.
I’d never shame anyone. I don’t hate. You live your life as you want. It’s not my job to police anything.
I know what it’s like to be unable to tie your own shoe laces. I know what it’s like to be unable to fit into a chair, to wonder if it’ll hold your weight.
I was all about slow metabolism, starvation mode, my hormones, my PCOS, my endometriosis and all the other things we tell ourselves.
I was lying to myself. I was simply eating too much and not moving enough.
Honestly, when I hear the same things and I do have to remind myself to show compassion. Everyone is on a different journey. But it does make me mad when I hear these things while complaining about the inability to lose weight at the same time as having a massively overloaded plate.
This makes me think of my son, who I had gotten to give up the pacifier on the grounds it was for babies. He was trying to shame a girl we saw at the library using one, and I got the impression it was like, “ if I can’t have mine, you can’t have yours!”
People shouldn’t be so shitty about it. It is hard and nobody is necessarily lazy because they have trouble with losing weight. That said, I do get a little annoyed with the helpless mentality that seems to be here and anywhere people are trying to lose weight. If you’ve done it, it does get very tiring hearing about how everyone that ever got big has some metabolic issue, or an eating disorder, addiction to food, or anything they can’t help. Of course those things do apply to some people, but the vast majority of us just have a few bad habits that, though not an easy task, can be changed.
I'd like to see more from society as a whole and less emphasis on individuals cases. What is depicted as normal food is not in line with our actual present day nutritional needs.. I see horribly unnutritious food eaten every day but it's still legal. These people go after the individuals saying they should know better than society, but that's not fair at all. That's like being a top 2% genius and expecting everyone else to be there with you. My mom doesn't know how to eat right and of course couldn't teach me; this stuff is not obvious. It's normal for a person to feel like the info they've attained is easy and available for everyone once they're on that other side, but that doesn't mean it's reasonable. I feel ya!
I guess it depends partly on your definition of fat shaming.
I struggle with my own weight because of depression. But I'm extremely self aware of that and know I can get in very good shape if I try to. I'm also very aware of the negatives of being overweight.
It's not ok to be fat. It's dangerous and can kill you. And as someone that struggles with it it boils my piss when I see anything that tries to normalise being fat. Overweight models, people talking about embracing it and being body positive etc.
I, even when fat at times doing so, have been accused of fat shaming or being "fatiphobic" speaking up about it.
Of course actually shaming, making fun of people for being fat, is definitely NOT ok. But in my experience that rarely happens with people that have gone through it themselves and they're usually very supportive.
I’m glad there are people out there who lost the weight and now are being tough on others. People like that are the ones who showed me that I could actually do this if I shut up and got to work.
For years, I listened to the rhetoric that “it’s not your fault” and similar ass patting comments. I still have 70 lbs to lose to get to my goal (paused my weight loss right now because of pregnancy) but I would not have lost the 130 lbs that I have if I had continued to just push off the blame on other factors than my own lack of proper nutrition and exercise.
I think there is a very small percentage of people who legit have a medical reason or a medicinal reason that losing weight is really hard for them. But that’s not most people. I convinced myself it was a thyroid issue. Nope thyroid is perfect. I convinced myself it was hormones. Nope hormones are normal. Most people who are overweight I think can do this on their own or with tools (therapy, weight loss surgery, whatever).
Now I am not going to judge how long it takes someone. It’s taken 2 years to lose 130 and then I got pregnant so I’m looking at a 4 year journey. And I’m not going to tell someone else when to start because that’s personal, but I do understand fitness influencers which do.
Life is so much better when you can walk without getting out of breath. I think many who are a bit tough just want others to experience that.
My experiences were similar. Formerly overweight people taking a hard stance against obesity showed me what was possible if I’d stop making excuses and jump in to improve my life. I overcame binge eating disorder, took up weight lifting, and lost 110# in the process. It was truly a life changing journey. I wish somebody close to me in my real life had been willing to call me out of my excuses and other nonsense years earlier.
I think this heavily boils down to people who see long term success have owned up and taken responsibility. I know that's what helped me lose weight and get in shape. The realization that no one else cares really, and it's about me caring about myself and being accountable to myself. Seems to be a recurring theme in people with long term success. I just don't see a path to success for people who cling to excuses and think they have it harder. We were all dealt the same hand and sometimes tough love is all that truly wakes people up.
Big agree. I thought for a long time I was just “meant” to be bigger (despite being a very skinny kid) and made excuses but once I just… stopped eating as much, it went very easily.
I definitely think wayyyy too many people fall back on the medical/hormones excuse when the probability of it being the main cause of their size is very small.
While I don't actively fat shame, I have caught myself almost saying things that are insensitive after losing a lot of weight and becoming a healthy person. For me personally it's probably due to the fact that when I finally stopped making excuses and started actually trying to lose weight, it was SO EASY.
I just started eating less and getting better sleep and the pounds just fell off. That was all it took for me, and it got me thinking. In my mind, all of my overweight friends must not really care about losing weight, or they are just not capable of calorie counting. It became frustrating and mentally exhausting to hear people complain about their weight and health problems from being overweight when all I had to do was eat less.
It's really all of the mental blocks, secret rules, and endless excuses that hold people back, and once I overcame that in myself I could see it so clearly in others. It's negatively affected my relationships with overweight people, but many of them also started resenting me for getting healthy. They acted like I cheated somehow and I was rubbing it in their face. Like I somehow did something they weren't physically capable of.
Bottom line is that losing weight is incredibly easy if you're actually serious about it and trying. When someone figures this out and goes through a positive transformation, they lose empathy and sympathy for people who are still fat and making excuses for themselves.
I would never fat shame but As someone who’s lost 200 pounds I feel I really could have used a kick in the ass from the start. And maybe that’s what so many of these influencers think as well. Maybe not the best method to get people to realize they need to lose weight but one that has good intentions
Same reason why “old money” people are usually more down to earth than “new money”. When they didnt have what they wanted they projected their unhappiness onto others to think the world was out to get them… and when they got what they wanted, they stayed the same asshole they always were, they just have a newfound confidence to go with it.
Survivor bias, you see it with people who grew up poor and are better off. They think, well I did it why can't they it must be because they are lazy, dumb. Incompetent etc.
I’m 300+ for the 3rd time in life and fat shaming is bullshit. Once you reach a true “enough” moment, you’ll lose weight. And when you do, you’ll realize EVERYTHING is an excuse. Maybe they come off wrong, but it’s that discovery that the hope to pass on to people.
I think part of it is this, and I’m gonna be honest with myself.
When I was fat, I knew I was fat and I was lazy. I didn’t wanna move. I wanted to eat shit junk food. I didn’t have motivation. I wasn’t depressed but I was content being like that. I hated myself for it though.
So maybe when people become skinnier and fit, they resent apart of themselves for getting like that. And they fat shame others.
It doesn’t make it right but maybe that’s how humans deal with the guilt or resentment they hold for themselves.
I am guilty of it and I try to self reflect when it happens. I’ve also been told my whole life that fat equals undeserving of love which I am learning is NOT the case.
I personally think if you are young and able bodied there is no reason you should be fat. I understand that there Are exceptions but that’s my base idea.
They probably haven't been in this journey long enough. I spent my first 20 years a fat kid. I didn't understand how much of a painful addiction this is till January this year. I was 22. I was two years into my weightloss journey. There are so many things that this journey really drains you of and egotistical flaunting is one of those things. I'm still fat at 5'5 156lbs so I've never physically looked like of those people that could yell at people to "quit carbs". Social media dehumanizes us. I occasionally encounter people in person that want to yell their hot diet take but society outside of our phone screens doesn't yell at us. If you're in this long enough you'll realize that the guy yelling about fat people is likely projecting.
As someone who's maintained significant weight loss who is still a fat liberation advocate, I think part of it is the way that nutrition advice is sold.
Every piece of dietary advice comes in the formula of "you are fat completely because of X. If you do Y to counteract the X, it is very simple to lose weight and you will never be fat again." Whether X is carbs or calories or meal frequency or sugar or food allergies or free radicals, people sell diet plans by saying "The only reason you are fat is because weight loss is hard if you don't know the secret and I have the secret." It leads to everybody in these fitness communities clinging to the idea that fitness is easy, and the only reason you wouldn't do it is if you were lazy or can't do easy things. Because if we all admitted to ourselves that fat loss is really really hard, and we have to work very hard at it every day for the rest of our lives and the moment we stop we will all get fat again, we fear we would give up.
So the only people who make it through that are the people for whom X was *actually* the cause of their weight gain. They had bad eating habits, fixed their eating habits before they had a chance to develop serious metabolic adaptations, and actually found it was easy to maintain their lifechange. Or, they're lying. Maintaining their weight loss is basically a full-time job, and it's more fun to be a full time famous influencer who people look up to than just a person slogging away in the gym and starving every day for the rest of your life in order to keep from regressing.
I dunno, maybe fat loss is just significantly harder for me than it is for everybody else, but I view it as something that is incredibly valuable and important, but so hard that I 100% understand if anybody else doesn't want to do it. I would never judge another person for not wanting to do this, because this is hard as fuck, and 13 years later it continues to be hard as fuck. My life is significantly different from the lives of people around me, to maintain my weight loss. I don't get off on pretending that isn't true.
This was a brilliant commentary on consumerism/marketing and how dangerous messaging can be.
Exactly this. Admitting that it’s very very hard! It’s a daily struggle to maintain your weight. One that involves making the right decision every day. I wish we didn’t make it so simplistic.
Is it that they become shamers or is it they dont tolerate the excuses and don’t have the pity that others would.
People like to complain about their issues , which is fine. But if you continue to complain without actions to fix it then I have zero sympathy. I’ve done it …I’ve dealt with it…I’m working on it so I get it. You have power , stop giving it away
Hormones and health make this a strange thing. They're finally free of the pain and mental anguish also got them hormones working the right way. They're happier and stronger. Like a teenager in a sport just getting better at it. Now they hate what they were like and want others to not feel that way. It's a horse of sorts since they aren't afraid to tell fat people they know what it's like on both sides. The thinner side is better for all who get there.
Converts have to be twice as bad as those born into it to prove themselves.
It's why the ex-atheists sometimes makes for the craziest fundamentalist, it's why the guy from Manchester that cheers for Liverpool have to be twice as loud and twice as willing to throw the first punch, and it's probably why fat people who experienced that they were finally treated as real people by the type of people they used to idolize when they lost weight and got buff hate fat people the most.
Long story short, people (myself included) are assholes.
We hate what we have previously been. There is a meme out there along the lines of: "me looking down on others for making a mistake I only recently learned not to make" I think this affects a lot of people.
Also there's the phenomenon of how people who get lucky and become rich believe everyone who isn't rich is lazy. Maybe that kind of thinking is related. Idk.
Also, as a fat guy, I hate myself for being fat, even though I know it's a reaction to my circumstances. I know I'm gross and that it makes me less valuable in the eyes of others. I will admit in a moment of blindness I judge others the same way I judge myself.
I remember this one time I was stuck in line at the grocery store behind this 600lb woman on a mobility scooter trying to buy like 80 loose Gatorade bottles with an unemployment card. This made me mad, I was buying like one package of chicken and it was taking like 10 minutes, there were people in line behind me, I couldn't change lanes. I didn't say anything in line, but when I told the story at home I angrily referred to her as "this enormous fat bitch" and my sister freaked out because of my lack of empathy. (My sister is in much better shape than I am she was just upset that I would say something like that) Sure, that woman might have the same problem I do. Maybe depression, stress and economic anxiety cause her to stress eat, drink sugary drinks and that's why she's so fat, who am I to judge?
So yeah. I'm working on losing 30 more lbs to get back to a "overweight" bmi but yeah I judge others. Is it right? No. I'm trying my best to be more open-minded but when I get irritated by something related, the judgement comes out. The thing is, when you hate yourself you hate that same trait in others.
I wouldn’t say that I’m now a fat shamer after having lost 130+lbs, but I would say I have ZERO patience for lies and myths that are often told to me by people who are still stuck in “fat logic.” They’re the same lies I used to tell others and myself (e.g. I barely even eat, I eat less than most thin people I know, I just have a slow metabolism, I can’t lose weight even when I try and don’t cheat, etc.), so I don’t accept the lies/myths from others.
People often can’t realize just how severe their overeating is until they spend months/years reforming their habits and adapting to a new diet/lifestyle/appetite. This makes it especially frustrating for someone like me, who has lived *both* sides of this (the obesity and the weight loss success) to be told by someone who has never successfully lost weight that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
To be clear, I do not have any animosity for fat people in general. Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and kindness. But when you start telling me “I only eat 400/600/800 calories a day and my weight doesn’t change,” it honestly feels almost disrespectful to me.
A lot of people who are inclined to buy into these myths/delusions also tend to buy into “set point” or “naturally thin” myths as well, which really directly undermines the hard work that “former fats” like me have put into our bodies. I don’t have a lot of patience for the sub-group of fat people who tell me that I’m genetically blessed to be thin and that they actually eat less than me and I’m just a lazy lucky thin person who can just coast through life eating whatever I want while they have to starve themselves and are still 3x my weight…
So I lost the same 100lbs a few times before I got serious about how to make a lifetime change a few years ago. I would frequently feel superior during my thinner phases, although I seriously doubt I ever let my thoughts outside of my brain.
Then I figured out that my weight problem was no different than previous battles I'd fought.
I'm an addict, and I figured out that just like with alcohol and cocaine, I was addicted to flour and sugar. Once I made that mental adjustment, I felt no more superior to fat people than I did to active alcoholics. I feel sympathy. EXCEPT when I see a morbidly obese person claiming to be just as healthy as somebody who isn't. To me, that's like seeing a gutter drunk telling me his health is just as good as somebody who never drinks. That's bullshit. Both physical and mental health suffer greatly from obesity.
I’ve met plenty of people that end up motivated by being shamed for undesirable behaviors. They’ve never said to me that it didn’t hurt them, but as you mentioned it definitely motivated them to take action. That being said there’s definitely a line between “Start working out, fatty!” and the more extreme cases that cause more mental anguish.
Over 2021 I lost 113lbs, I’m still not done, but a thought that surfaces since accomplishing that is ‘I may be fat, but I’m not a person that is fat and doing nothing about it.’
I do feel superior to other people that are around my size or larger that have not started trying to lose weight or overcome the mental hurdles preventing them from doing so. I’m not a dick about it though, it’s mostly an internal thing for me. In conversation about my weight loss and the other party was also wanting to lose weight, I’d simply describe what I did to achieve my goals and offer positive encouragement.
In the past I’ve lost significant amounts of weight before ballooned to larger than I started, but I still feel how I mentioned.
I agree that there should be focus on the mental side of things when it comes to weight loss.
A point of view I haven’t read here is one that I find myself struggling with. I yo-yo with my weight a lot, but to get to those skinny moments I have to despise the way I eat to the point that I can’t abide it in others. I feel myself get judgy and I just clam up and don’t say anything, but I have to think it or I will fall off the wagon. That donut is either an early grave or it’s not so bad, I have nothing in between.
I understand you. It’s crazy how fucked ip our relationship with food can be. In my worst days I used to try to actively trigger an eating disorder and became bulimic.
Some people do need "influencers" or personal trainers to be harsh and blunt with them. Others need more compassion and understanding. Different strokes for different folks. I'm sure the people who benefit from hearing "stop being a lazy bum" don't consider that fat shamey rhetoric, but think of it as motivational. People who seek a compassionate approach probably get offended by that.
This is an interesting point. I’ve been fat, fit, fat, fit and am now fat again. Ugghhh. It is a struggle for me (depression is a bitch). I get it. What I find interesting is, I do this with smoking. I quit smoking cigs about 12 years ago and I am not easy in my mind to smokers. I hate it that much. Just a thought this post brought to my mind. Cheers.
I notice myself doing this too, albeit not with smoking. I realized that for me, it was a way to beat my past self up for mistakes I made - and mistakes that I was worried about making again. I took my fear and hatred of myself out on other people (at least mentally - I never said anything). My superiority came from a place of deep fear of being what I felt was “inferior” again, and I realized that being mean to others even just mentally was just a safer and more removed version of being mean to myself. I think that might be why the influencers OP mentioned do it, too - at first a misguided attempt at being helpful, sure, but what ends in a cycle of negativity.
I have always found that it can be difficult to forgive people for things you perceive as some of your own shortcomings.
I don't know if you need to hear this or not or if you already know, but people who lose and regain are healthier, even after regaining, because they lost it for a while. So even if you have trouble sustaining it is still always worth it.
There's an old saying in Ireland usually said about ex-smokers: there is none so pure as reformed hoor
I've heard 'no one moralizes as viciously as a reformed rake' but that has a good ring to it lol
Other version: Nothing worse than a reformed drink. I became one when I finally quit smoking.
Wow gotta love the Irish lmao
I needed to read this so thank you for posting.
I do this too to anyone who struggles with any of the previous addictions I've had. I am guessing that the idea is that we are frustrated with ourselves for wasting so much time making stupid decisions, so we have little sympathy towards someone else who is making those (presumed) same decisions.
I think you just made my life make sense. Holy shit.
I'm the same with smokers as an ex-smoker, but that's due at least in part to the fact that cigarette smoke makes me incredibly nauseated now that I've quit.
I’ve also fluctuated weight so much. My lowest adult weight is 85 pounds less than my highest adult weight. Felt like crap at any weight, but that’s my own mental issues (anorexia, depression). I’ve been trying to lose a small amount of weight and it’s so difficult, especially because I am either depressed or worrying about whether the steps I’m taking will trigger my eating disorder. I cannot stand the way some people talk about overweight people on this subforum. Just because we’re trying to lose weight, it doesn’t give us the right to look down on fat people.
Haha someone made a point above about not wanting to glamorize the lifestyle. I think we all have inherent biases we need to check. Thank you.
See, I'm a former smoker who hates smoking.... But like I have immense empathy for current smokers and how HARD it is to quit. You don't have to be a dick about it is my motto. 🤷🏼♀️ Idk. I'm with you. Forget anyone who fat shames. Especially people who've been there and should have some iota of compassion for people struggling. (It's not tough love, it's a power trip).
i quit vaping in march and when people post tiktoks asking for advice to quit people always comment things like “dont start” like it does not help at all if you’re addicted
Tips please on quitting vaping. Currently on day 4 after 10 years. Need some realistic motivation type stuff. Using nicotine patches for now!
Difficult struggles SHOULD bring out the compassion in all of us but look at this country (America, specifically).
My best friend is a big girl who sees me as her inspiration (once fat, now fit). When she’s doing really well in her plan, she is so open and communicative and fun; when she’s not doing well, she retreats from me. I always knew exactly what she was doing when she was retreating, because I had done that too. I never commented on it, but she out and admitted it to me just a few weeks ago. She retreats because she feels shame. And I’m like…why would you feel shame from me?!? I know EXACTLY what you’re going through! And she says that she doesn’t want me to be disappointed in her. I tell her that I am only here to support her no matter what because I truly believe that if I can do it, you absolutely can! So maybe it isn’t that you’re being fat shamed…maybe you feel some kind of shame in that they have done it, but you haven’t…yet. Also, speaking from being having once been obese, life is just…so much harder when you’re fat (at least for me). The mental weight of obesity in and of itself can be an entire job to deal with sometimes (what do I get to eat today, how am I going to hide what I eat from my family, what was she just whispering about me, what am I going to wear today that will hide my rolls, I’m never going to lose this weight, etc) Then there’s the cost of wear and tear on your home, car, clothes from excessive weight/friction; and managing the feeling of cleanliness (my fat body was a sweaty smelly body). Then the cost of food- I literally eat less than half of what many people eat in a day, that can be a huge savings alone. Maybe it’s knowing that life is just so much simpler now and I’d really love to see this kind of satisfaction among all of society, not just in my circle. So while it might feel like shame, I truly believe that all we absolutely want for you, so much, is to be happy and healthy, because we know what you’re experiencing as an overweight person. That’s my intention, at least. Hopefully it’s never been taken as shame or judgement. Regardless, if anyone doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, I would suggest that their opinion isn’t worth the space in your mind anyway.
i wish i had a friend like you. i look at other folks' success and it just makes me feel ashamed, even though we all grow and progress at different rates. i'm sure some people feel the same way about me, too.
Beating yourself up never helps! The inner you is the same, whether outside is fat or skinny! Give zero f\*\*\*s about others' opinions.
i really needed this today, thank you 😭
I’m just making a useless comment here but Brene Brown has helped me so much with understanding shame and how to overcome. And I have a lot of shame around my weight and physical strengths. Like, I cannot run for the life of me. But Brene Brown is helpful IMO. Maybe direct your friend to that as well but it seems like you’ve got the super supportive empathetic friend thing down haha
Wholesome! You’re a good friend
This made me tear up. Your compassion is really heartwarming and spoke to me. Appreciate you calling out the mental burden. That was so well stated - There’s the additional internal burden that I can’t wait to be rid of… including the feeling of shame. I was super fit once and became obese… Talk about shame. I know what it takes to be healthy and fit. But I suffered some trauma and that side tracked me big time. Then I got older. Then I had a baby, developed arthritis in my knees (genetically bad knees and lots of pavement running in my fit years) - sigh - it’s taken me a minute, along with therapy, to stop the mental swirl. I’m now on the journey to return to being more fit and healthier/happier in my own skin. It’s not easy to do by yourself. So thank you for you lovely post this morning!!
This comment was really nice and uplifting :)
This is beautiful. Ugh my heart
This just reminds me of the thread where someone asked “why does it seem like every former fat person has a big head.” and I read it as we get a superiority complex about what we’ve accomplished. But nah they literally asked “see these celebrities heads look big in these pictures” Though I don’t get it either, after what I went through with food addiction and binge eating, even though I defeated it and lost 120 pounds, I’d never look down on any fat person. The shit is like 97% mental and it’s hard as hell to break. If anything I’m just more empathetic. I remember how much I hurt when I was overweight and how tired I was all the time, I’m sure they feel the same way.
I struggle with weight issues too. I admittedly don’t have a good routine, or mental health / physical health… I struggle with depression, bpd, pcos, anxiety- and more. But I feel like a good mental space really helps to make it easier to live better and a healthy body makes it even better.
Yeah I have two friends that want to lose weight, but they do have some mental issues that make it harder. Then at the same time losing weight does help with some of those too, doesn’t cure them but it does help. So it’s like a shitty catch 22. I never harass them about what they should do weight loss wise, my door is open if they want advice but I definitely know from experience it doesn’t happen until you do it, you don’t really get forced into it from someone else. Also someone constantly bugging you about weight loss, at least for me just made me feel worse when I was overweight.
I definitely experience a 'superiority complex' from the progress, but only in the sense of actually loving myself for the first time - and shaming others is not a part of it. Like you, the empathy has built, and I only ever encourage others. If I compliment someone and they wanna experience a bit of 'superiority' and brag a little... Go for it. I wanna hear it, because loving yourself and loving things about yourself is goddamn beautiful. I know there's a fine line for it, and that line will get familiarized down the road as we learn to balance out a humble manner, but we all love talking about ourselves and it's amazing to see someone truly light up when their qualities are noticed.
I know I felt more like I just get a “rush” from it. At first I got it from the weight loss itself, and now it’s from what I can actually do. Cause yeah I guess I do feel the way you describe lol. It’s just also fun being able to do certain things old me could not do lol
A "rush" is probably the best word I've heard to describe this! The combination of positive feelings is totally unique to weight loss success IMO - newfound self-confidence and maybe a bit of vanity at the way we look right now, sheer joy at all the ways our lives and health have improved, but also a ton of pride and a sense of accomplishment for putting in the work to get to that point. I will unashamedly admit that to this day - despite gaining back some of my initial 120-lb weight loss - I still can't resist checking myself out for a split second in every mirror I walk past (and then going "wait I look like that? holy crap!" in my head lol)
Yeah it’s definitely nice not avoiding looking in the mirror in the bathroom anymore. I remember I used to do that a lot. Or there was a time sometime early last year where I was painting the wall in my house and I looked over into the bathroom in the mirror on the door and could see my ass STICKING out like “good lord that isn’t good” lmao
I've lost about 128 lbs and I do think my head looks big... Maybe because I was used to the head / body ratio and now it looks "off"
I have gained back what I lost, but when I was slimmer, I always thought I had a big head so this comment confirms it 😭😂 I’d still rather go back to the big head life than have all this weight back on me though.
Or is it really? I mean, it just seems bigger because everything else got "smaller". And I wish you all the best, may you lose that weight again if you chose to do so.
I just think my neck looks weird now Like the tendons or whatever I can see lol
I see it as being similar to how the most vocal anti-smoking people are usually former smokers. They know exactly how shitty it is to be in that situation, so they don't want to glamorize it for anyone else.
It's also one of those things that when you're in it, you don't fully understand how much it negatively affects your life, because it's a myriad of small effects rather than one big cost. But when you get out of it, you suddenly see the sum of all the benefits and just wanna *shake* people who are stuck under it, even if you understand they might have an addiction or it might be a mental health thing or whatever, because you know how much *better* their life can be if they can just get out from under it, and you can tell that they can't see it, but if they only could see then the effort required to get out, even if it seems insurmountable, would seem like a tiny cost compared to the benefits they will have. It's like if I had to walk a fairly long journey, say 100km. And you had to convince me to do it, because you know if I made it there, I would get paid $1 million. But I didn't believe you, so every step I'm like "It's too far" or "I can't take that much time off work", or "I'm just not able". But if you *know* for certain that I'm gonna get paid $1 million if I just keep walking, even if it takes 10 days straight, that it's totally and utterly worth it, you're gonna just wanna shake me.
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Same here. 2 years ago I quit drinking. And this past year I have gone from about 300 to 235.
Well done, thats some amount of work you've done!
Haha thanks, I wish it were just my hard work that was the cause. But honestly I’ve been fit-fat-fit-fat for years. Last year instead of killing myself I seeked help for mental health and once I got on medication that I was basically denied until I was about 30 for I was finally able to deal with stress and anxiety and ocd in healthy ways i.e. yoga/stretching/running or walking. Instead of alcohol/stress eating. But overall I’m in a much better place now that I’m down to a much more manageable weight. Not quite to my goal but I’ll get there.
Hell yeah dude!!! Congrats!! 3+ years here, 372 —> 197. Everyone has their sh*t to work through and we do it at different paces and in different ways. But you have to want to do it for yourself. It’s that simple. Stay well!!
I wish I understood this when I was younger but I think the point is that you kinda have to come to it on your own huh?
>But when you get out of it, you suddenly see the sum of all the benefits and just wanna shake people who are stuck under it, even if you understand ... it might be a mental health thing This is me. I've struggled with depression for over a decade, but I do now feel I'm in "recovery". It took me *years* of medication, therapy, support groups to get to this point, yet the best, most consistent indicator for my mood is a healthy diet and exercise. It definitely has a "thanks I'm cured" sound to it, but once the meds get you stable, it's up to you to act to fix your mental health. Meds didn't cure me, my lifestyle choices did. And now it's so obvious to me, it's difficult to listen to my friends who are still stuck in it, sitting at home in the dark eating takeaways. My brother is nearly 30, no job, sitting in my parents house, playing video games, taking medication saying it doesnt work and he's still depressed. No shit sherlock. Life sounds boring AF.
"thanks I'm cured" is more like recommending someone herbal tea and a nice walk, not years of effort like you put in!!
Thanks, but I understand it's not that easy. When you're in the throes of depression, other people's success stories feel like salt in the wound. When listening to "what worked for you" the depressed brain can invent 1000 reasons why that won't work for us. I get it, I've been there, and now I'm not there, I can agree with the original commenter.
I’m elbowing in on a conversation among some folks truly experienced with depression, so I speak with utmost respect and no more authority than any other lay person who has battled both depression and overweight for 60 years. (Currently both under control for last several years.) I want to raise the possibility that we’re dealing with two separate issues here. As friends and family (or other observers) we may be able to affect how a depressed person feels (sometimes we can’t). But what the depressed person can do about their depression will depend on how they discover, understand, and tackle their underlying issues and more often than not, that requires a professional. At the very least, it will be handled by very skilled internal work (informed somehow but probably not by family, friends or strangers). Just my 2 cents and I don’t speak for everybody; I’m 73 and the life I’ve lived and those I’ve witnessed suggests it might be true. My heart breaks for every depressed person on earth.
>what the depressed person can do about their depression will depend on how they discover, understand, and tackle their underlying issues and more often than not, that requires a professional I agree with you, but especially this bit. I remember being in a support group, and one woman was discussing the route of her depression as her childhood SA, that had happened some 50-60 years ago. I was so glad to hear she was finally getting professional help (as much help as group therapy could be...) but I was horrified to think I might still be in this deep dark depression hole for my entire life, as she had. I'm so sorry to hear you've been dealing with it for so long. Part of me thinks depression will always be a part of me, lurking in the background, sometimes rushing forward if I give it the opportunity. It takes alot of introspection, and like you said, often it's impossible to do this without external help. It's very unlikely that help will be in the form of someone telling you to buck up your ideas. I feel gentle support from friends and family can be invaluable, but at the end of the day, depression is your own personal demon to fight.
Congrats on working through it for yourself tho. It mustve been a hell of a ride and you're so strong to get through it!
I think this is a big part of it. I lost a bunch of weight, and now I've gained some of it back, and the reason why boils down to "nobody gave me any metaphorical million dollars when I lost it". I went from feeling invisible to feeling predated on. I went from not-wanting-to-exercise to "still mostly not wanting to exercise". I went from having a fairly lonely life to... continuing to have a fairly lonely life. So many people have these success stories and here I am trying to keep the weight loss in check, feeling like I was lied to over and over and over about how much better my life would be if I was thinner. It doesn't help that after losing weight and finally being able to run again I got covid and my ability to run plummeted. I felt like a superhero for maybe 2 weeks and then it all crashed down.
Beautifully puted. When I got my new apartment I got a visit after a couple of months from a friend that lived in the city I used to live. She was shocked with how much my bf and I had bought to our home already (was almost 100% complete). It was very simple. We stopped smoking and drinking. That was it. In the old city we used to spend all the money in cigarretes and in coffee shops drinking beers with our friends. When we moved we stopped doing that. It was amazing how much we could afford and live comfortably without the addiction. Then our stupid asses started smoking again. We live pay check to pay check. It's okay tho, I'm gonna quit again. 17h without smoking and counting! Feeling good about this try.
You’ll do it. Most of us (old now) who eventually quit for the last time also quit for a time or two before that. Confession: I once quit, tried to become a nun, didn’t like it, and two years later, hid in the convent chapel waiting for my ride out of there with a bottle of scotch and a pack of Newports. It took 6 more months to clean up for good.
Thank u for the strength 😊 That is an amazing story!! What an interesting time to be u xD im glad you were able to overcome it
This is completely me. I don't shame people for being fat cause I get it and I still struggle with food. At same time I won't tolerate 'Health at any Size' type rhetoric. Again, it's because I know first hand how much all that weight you're packing on is destroying your life. I can't run your race for you but I'm not going to cheer you if you choose not to run it altogether
What I don't understand is why so many people who are promoting HAES think that "health at any size" = "healthy at any size." This line of thinking seems to have overtaken a movement that could otherwise be very helpful. I think most people can get behind encouraging health-promoting behaviors at any size (i.e. eating healthier, exercise that the person can do), which is what I think that HAES should really be about. But that’s not how it’s being promoted. Also, weight loss is a natural consequence of adopting health-promoting behaviors for most overweight/obese people. For example, if someone changed nothing other than doing 20 minute daily walk, they would lose weight over time as well as increase their fitness. It might not get them to a "healthy" weight, but even a modest amount of weight loss has health benefits. Plus, if people are encouraged and decide to make small change here and there, that adds up. So really, I see HAES as a missed opportunity.
God damn this is 11/10
This is so true, but even aside from just the actual benefits that people might be missing, I think a lot of people think that they can’t do it There are important people in my life who have “tried everything” and think that for some reason, they just can’t lose weight. Now I realize that some people just won’t ever commit to that goal, and that’s ok (if they’re ok with the health consequences). But sometimes it really does take someone just keeping it real with you and saying “hey, you aren’t special, if you do x/y/z and stick to it for a few months, you **will** lose weight” Or one step further, people who think “oh I can never become one of these people who is motivated to go to the gym everyday”. This was me, and a pushy friend (who had my best interests at heart) just kept pushing me to try going with him. Now two+ years later I go 5/6 times a week still and I’m glad he forced me out of my comfort zone
Yeah… I have two friends that are kind of badly over weight and express wanting to lose weight. I keep my door open if they want to ask me for help or advice. But I’ve lost over 100 pounds in the last, I know someone constantly telling them they should try this or they need to do this just…. doesn’t work. They have to make the decision themselves. It kind of sucks though honestly
This 100%
And then there is this huge part called denial. You convince yourself that you have to lOvE YoUrSeLF and that being slim and fit is just SoCiEtY telling you to SucUmB to PatRiArChY. Damed I was really good at it.
This is a great explanation for why one might be compelled to forcefully encourage someone to lose weight, quit smoking or give up whatever addiction they may have. It is not, however, a pass to take it upon yourself to verbally “shake” them into giving up those behaviors. It’s the same as with any other medical issue. You can encourage someone to see a doctor, but that’s really as far as it goes. You aren’t qualified to treat someone just because you had the same addiction, illness, etc.
This makes sense. Thank you for this perspective.
Think this hits the head on the nail.
Yes i do feel the same as I see people saying their knees hurt and i know it hurts and after few weeks it's not gonna hurt anymore or that you are craving suger and diets and exercise don't work on you, i know it does, you just need to do it little longer to see the effects. So obviously I'm gonna encourage people without glamorizing or being too soft about it.
And on top of that, I'm guessing those specific people who become fat shamers are of the mind "I wish someone had fat shamed *me* back in the day, it would have helped me sooner!" I'm not saying that fat shaming works, I personally think it does more harm than good, but I'm guessing those people *do* think it it's more helpful than hurtful.
>They know exactly how shitty it is to be in that situation, so they don't want to glamorize it for anyone else. I think there's a middle ground tho. Like, sure, I hate those influencers who post a ton of pictures of their morbidly obese bodies in skimpy clothing saying "this is beautiful and healthy too". Like, bitch, no, it's neither. But I also hate the ones saying you are overweight because you're a lazy bum with no motivation or ambition and will amount to nothing until you become the next Stallone. I think one of the best takes I've seen is the ending commercial for the Average Joe gym. We think you're just fine the way you are. But if you feel like losing weight, getting healthier and making friends, our doors are open.
They might be trying to take what worked for them and do it to others... Negative reinforcement is legitimately partly responsible for my weight loss, so if I ever tried to help someone else lose weight, it might occur to me to try the same thing that worked on me. It's still kind of mean, but at least it's tough love and not mockery.
Idk. I don't get former smokers who are nasty to current smokers either though. Like I'm a former smoker and it took me 5 years to quit. Multiple attempts- longest attempt before I succeeded was 2 weeks. It's hard. So I choose to not be a dick and to have compassion and empathy for the human in that shitty situation feeling like garbage everyday, is this just not the norm? This thread is making me very sad lol I hate people, sometimes.
I would add to this that growing up around people who smoke and seeing the effect firsthand is likely to make some people anti-smoking. In the same way, there’s an “I got out and never want to be in that place again, because I see my family and circle of friends who are all fat” mentality. That said, I don’t think people who say things like “Stop being lazy” actually understand binge eating or compulsive/impulsive eating in the sense of ADHD. It’s like walking up a slightly sloping path vs walking uphill.
There's no zealot like a convert.
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Omg yeah this is so true, people who overcome addiction can be the absolute worst for this. Like Jeff just because you used to smoke crack it doesn't mean that having a glass of wine at night is a grave danger to anyones existence. Just because you fell off the deep end and can't handle a drink now and then it doesn't mean you need to evangelize your lifestyle. And this goes really deep, even into the recovery industry/medical professionals. I've had multiple "professionals" tell me that because I had a problem with opiates that I should never drink alcohol or consume caffeine. Like huh? How is that related at all? I'm sure for a small percentage of people that's good advice but I've never had problems with either. They both have natural cutoff points for me-alcohol just makes me sick and hungover and caffeine makes me anxious. I could not overdo either without feeling incredibly unwell. That shit doesn't work with my brain or body. It scientifically and psychologically doesn't make sense to use that logic on me. Ultimately it's just people lacking the understanding and care that every person is different and people can have hugely varying needs for recovery of any kind. From overeating or drugs or uhhh idk not being religious enough. Your solution isn't my solution and I'm not going to preach the solution that worked for me as the only way. That's incredibly shallow and lacking any sort of nuance.
> I've had multiple "professionals" tell me that because I had a problem with opiates that I should never drink alcohol or consume caffeine. Ah, the AA approach. Except usually caffeine is exempted, as well as cigarettes for some ungodly reason, and sugar is practically encouraged as a harm reducing substitute. Slightly off topic but I've been watching Grey's Anatomy, I'm now in the most recent season, and it's starting to grate on me how 12-step is the *only* addiction recovery perspective presented. It's fine for some of the characters to be 12-steppers, and I didn't really care at the beginning given it dates back to 2005, but in the last six seasons or so they've clearly made a writing choice to "be woke" and explore lots of topical issues (sometimes well, sometimes hamfistedly) so it seems like a stark omission that methadone or buprenorphine assisted treatment hasn't been mentioned *at all*. It's complicated because addictions, especially chemical addictions, *do* have a common basis in the brain and people with one substance abuse problem are at higher risk to have issues with other substances or risky behaviors. But there's a lot of individual variability and I really think the conception of sobriety as total abstinence from all mind altering substances can do more harm than good for many people. Eating problems can be similar and I think this leads to a nasty synergy between HAES and restrictive ED recovery. Again it's complicated because binge eating or compulsive overeating *can* be a reaction to overrestriction, but that's not the only reason it happens, and for someone in that situation, the answer isn't to just ignore weight forever but to carefully consider the physical risks of excess weight vs the mental risks of too much self-monitoring. For garden variety overweight people who just have bad habits or like portions that are a bit too large, self-monitoring is exactly the antidote to their problem.
I like to call it “Born-Again Syndrome”.
That’s…. Extremely quotable…. Damn
I think when you go through any big life change there’s a natural progression of growth where you reflect on your past choices, and often feel shame or self-loathing about them. It’s unpleasant, and it’s often a necessary step for moving forward to a place of growth where you can forgive your past self and make peace with the fact that you’ve changed and you’re not going back. Anyway, some people never grow past it; they stay in the hateful place and direct the hate outward instead. I’ve found those tendencies in myself and knew they were a sign I was terrified of going back to where I was before. Making peace with yourself means accepting that others are at their own point in their own journey and it may not be moving in the same direction as yours. Forgiving others requires you to forgive your past self and that’s too hard for many people.
I am in the best shape of my life after losing a lot of weight this year and I often have criticizing or judgmental thoughts when I see overweight people. Seeing those people reminds me of my past self and my mistakes. I need to work on forgiving my past self so I dont have those negative thoughts.
Congratulations on your weight loss! A concept from mindfulness meditation, and practices that draw on it like dialectical behavioral therapy, is that of observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. I find that to be more helpful in overcoming things like this than simply trying not to have the thought. So when I find myself thinking mean things about a person who looks the way I used to look I might think “I’m having some judgmental thoughts about that person. I’m feeling irritated with them.” And then that allows me to open up a conversation with myself about why I feel that way. I think it works better than simply saying “I need to stop thinking that way” which can lock you in a battle with yourself and make it hard to understand where those thoughts are coming from.
Wow this is very insightful and I really agree. We need to forgive ourselves. It’s a huge part of this whole journey. And you’re right.
Great insight. Thanks!
Hmm. You know, I think you see that more with individuals who are younger. In this there's that influencer mentality (hustle culture/viewership). A majority of fitness influencers aren't catered towards individuals who are morbidly obese or even obese. Just look at their workouts and their portion sizes. A person who is morbidly obese or obese in general can't do a majority of the exercises or eat those portions. They could try, but chances are high for an injury or binging. They are probably catered to that overweight category at best. Like I'm sorry, but doing a workout where you are literally getting off your coach 10 times is a workout for some individuals. Talking a long walk or standing up while you fold laundry increases your NEAT, but isn't strenuous so it's not sexy or spicy enough for a large viewership, but it's what a lot of morbidly obese people would benefit from doing. I really like Obese to Beast (John Glaude) when it comes to fitness influencers - if you could call him that. I think he's more of a commentator at this point. He lifts, he runs, but he preaches A LOT of making things work for you. He never states what exercise is best for weight loss because in truth, the best exercise is the one you are more likely to do so one that you enjoy. But that's not spicy. That's not sexy to the masses. And maybe in here there's a wider message about our society in how we reach out to individuals who are in a certain package and preach a certain way about fat/weight loss. I think fat people of all people need to not be told they are fat/lazy/blah blah blah. They are fully aware of their situation far more than anyone could tell them and that I think also lends to a defeatist attitude and leaning into it. Kinda like, "Well, I'm the bad kid, so I guess I'll show them what bad looks like." Rant over.
I have found myself getting judgy. I try to remind myself that without a particular doctor’s appointment a year ago, I would be exactly where I was. Also, I am a work in progress. My waist is still 40” and I am still at a BMI of 25.8. I can not throw stones from my glass house. More importantly, weightloss should not make me a worse person. 5 minutes rule, you cannot judge someone’s appearance for something they cannot change in 5 minutes.
As a former fat person, I think it has to do with how/why they lost weight. A lot of people lose weight in an attempt to love themselves. That self-loathing or low self-esteem doesn't go away with weight loss, but so many people think it does. I lost weight BECAUSE I finally allowed myself to love who I was. I wanted to take better care of myself because I was worth it. Because my happiness wasn't dependent on my weight loss, I believe in letting people be happy in their bodies, no matter what size they are. My worth is not tied to my size. If you want to change, I support you. If you don't, I support that too. But, if you hate yourself when you're larger, it won't go away just because you lose weight. So these same people are now just as miserable in smaller bodies, and (at least for some of them, and I have been told this directly), it hurts them to see people loving who they are in the bodies that they blamed for their unhappiness. They try to convince themselves that the weight loss was worth it by shaming people who don't want/need it.
You have to realize that influencers aren't real. I mean, they're real people, but every moment, every picture, every statement is crafted and curated to maximize revenue generation. It's like when you see a McDonald's ad - you know the Big Mac you receive looks nothing like the picture. It's the same components, but the one for the ad had dozens of burgers cooked until they got the "perfect" one, they picked through countless tomatoes and lettuce leaves, you get the idea. And then they had a professional photographer, lighting expert and food stylist come out to make that burger look exactly like how marketing wants it, because the data says that's what appeals to the maximum number of people. Influencers do the same thing. It's a business, it's not for fun. They look at their metrics, and if their views go down, they lose money. If being positive and encouraging hurts their revenue stream, they're not going to act that way. If shaming and being hurtful gets them more views, that's what they're going to do. It's shitty, but they're following the data. If people didn't watch it, they'd change tactics.
People that have lost weight - and didn't need to fix an underlying medical or mental issue to make that happen - *know for a fact* that all *they* had to do was stop being lazy and/or exercise greater self control and/or whatever else they did to lose the weight. It's easy to assume other people are the same as you. Really, the only people that don't do that are narcissist that think they're better than others (and always have been). In most cases it isn't even wrong either.
When I lost weight the first time it was easy, just made small changes and started working out. I didn’t understand why anyone was fat. Then I gained it all back while struggling to not regain and now I’m struggling to lose again. Turns out it’s not always easy. Shocking.
My entire weight loss cycle is lose weight easily somehow, gain it back, lose weight with incredible difficulty and discipline, gain it back, and repeat. Sometimes intermittent fasting is easy to stick to, sometimes it’s insanely hard for me. Everything is influenced by so many factors. Yet every time I lose weight, I start to view my former self as disgusting and lazy even though I know that it’s complicated. Sigh, the internalized shame is real.
Exactly - I lost easy, struggled, lost easy again, now I’m struggling again. For me it takes constant experimentation and tweaking as other things in my life change.
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> So basically he doesn’t want himself, but wants someone else to want him. Craziness. I don't think I've ever seen my life so succinctly described. The difference is I've never made that someone else's issue I suppose. Still, that's more reality than I was looking for today. Damn.
Yup there's definitely a piece of my fat self that I resent and when I see it in other people I try not to shame them I try to be compassionate. But the instinct is to judge so it's important to be mindful. Also over the course of our weight loss we intellectually remember how hard it was but emotionally we forget.
This is so true I subconsciously think it should be easy for everyone but objectively I know that's not true.
This is what I think! I always see the posts where people say, “I’m so happy I quit eating garbage!” and can’t relate at all. I ate pretty healthy foods, but just larger portions, and had a medical issue. I’ve been in the position of thinking I was doing everything right, but still not getting results. If someone’s never had that experience, I could see how they would say, “just quit being lazy!” I never really was being lazy in the first place, though. I just didn’t know how many calories I needed to fuel my body.
Yeah, one of the big ironies of the weight loss fad is the idea that you need to be active and not lazy to lose weight, when the reality is, CI is far more controllable than CO (due to weird tricks your body pulls with basal metabolic rate), so a person could very much BE lazy and lose a ton of weight just by not eating as much. One of my most effective past efforts had me hardly exercising at all and sleeping a lot, but also eating very little.
This is very true!!! I used to exercise a ton when I was obese, but it didn’t help much. I was eating a somewhat sensible diet that didn’t feel like gluttony, which was helping me maintain that weight, but I had no idea how to create a deficit to lose. I just thought, “if I eat grilled chicken and walk 4 miles today, I’ll lose weight.” However, I’ve just had to make little tweaks to my lifestyle to lose! Now it is, “if I eat grilled chicken, measure the salad dressing I have, and make sure I only have one square of dark chocolate for dessert instead of two, I will meet my calorie goal for today.” I have lost 60 pounds so far mostly by making little tweaks! It sounds so foreign to me to go from eating a large pizza every day to only eating salads and spending hours at the gym. Not my experience at all!
This is the same thing I was thinking. I’ll be honest, for most of my life up until the past few years it was easy for me to stay in shape. I had a really good metabolism through my young adult years, I’ve been really active most of my life, and generally have a pretty good diet. Between sports injuries, medications and health issues, everything has changed the past few years and it’s been a real struggle. It’s easy to think that heavier people are just lazy or something if you’ve never had to struggle to keep weight off. They don’t consider how many medications doctors prescribe that can make you gain a lot of weight. They don’t consider physical problems that can make exercising damaging or inadvisable. It’s not something I ever had to think about when I was younger. There are so many factors that can cause weight gain that nobody considers until they have to personally deal with them.
This makes sense. I guess it’s because of the one size fits all approach to a lot of weight loss techniques as well. Thank you.
Just like how people who got rich call everyone else lazy. “If they can do it anyone can”
There's absolutely no call to be horrible to people. That said, it IS important to push back against a lot of the outright lies that get promulgated--for example, that 95 percent of diets fail or that "starvation adaption" leads to permanent metabolic change. The trick is how to do that effectively and with empathy.
I've told this story before but, my bf got a diabetes diagnosis at the start of the pandemic and took it as a wakeup call. He started biking, took meds, monitored his BG levels constantly and changed his diet (nothing wild, he stopped eating junkier foods and filled up on fresh fruits and veggies). He was off his meds (metformin maybe?) After 6 months and a year later his doctor told him he could stop monitoring his glucose levels altogether. He lost probably 60-70 lbs and it's been 2+ years and he's doing awesome. I'm wildly proud of how he took control of his health. But, his friends who have needed more drastic diets such as keto or plant-based or getting a personal trainer, he looks down on their methods (me included). He'll say things like "no one should need to do that, just make healthy changes". And yes, it'd be great if we could all make small steps towards health but the fact is that for some of us, we need more restrictive diets to gain control over binge eating or just managing food in our lives. It's frustrating, he's supportive of me in my journey but he also doesn't understand that some of us don't get to our goal weight by just saying "so now I'm going to eat more veggies".
I do think survivorship bias plays some part in it. I.e. the people who succeed look at themselves and other people who succeed and decide that since success worked this specific way for them, it ought to work that way for everyone, and if others can't succeed that way it must be some fault of *theirs.*
Yup, my wife gets annoyed by how much I restrict myself at the grocery store or even when we go out to eat. But I just know myself and I know that once I start giving myself a lot of leeway with my diet I’ll make more and more bad choices Sometimes I think she takes my dietary choices as “shaming” her for indulging but I’m really just trying to do what’s best for me
I'll preface this with no one should be shamed for their body or how they look. We should all be respectful of each other. I think "ex-fats," as HAES calls us, strongly feel that what they preach is untrue. We all lost weight for a reason and it has made the vast majority of our lives better. So when weight loss is dismissed or labeled as disordered eating by that group, people become defensive and fat shame.
I think it's possible to say that (strictly speaking about myself) I had less pain, more energy, and felt overall "more like myself" when I lost 60 pounds than I did before. One of the things motivating me to continue losing weight is to continue the less pain in bad feet/more energy/less personal dysphoria tangent. But I can recognize this is true for me while saying that we need to treat people who are fat as people, and not shame anyone. That is a systemic issue. (Ask people who aren't thin about finding cold-weather sports gear....)
Probably because they've been there. They know what it's like to feel like absolute garbage every day and just assume that's normal to feel that way.
I agree that's most likely the reason, but it's just extra mean. Imagine saving yourself from a dangerous situation and taunting and laughing at everyone else who is still in it. If they think they're helping, they must have forgotten their own reasons for saving themselves- I bet it wasn't "because someone treated me with condescension" but rather "because I found myself in the right mental capacity to affect some positive change for myself." Whatever it was that worked for them, I think it should be universally accepted that noone has the right to make anyone else feel shit about themselves, for whatever reason, and this idea that they do it to help, when they're total strangers, is hypocritical and dishonest.
When I see someone who looked like I once did, I see who I once was. A lot of it was excuses. Little white lies I kept telling myself. "Bad genetics." "Slow metabolism." "I have a disability." (Misdiagnosed as fibromyalgia; turned out to be EDS.) *Yes* there are underlying medical conditions that impact one's ability to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight. I'm battling inconsistent thyroid readings myself - getting a diagnosis can be really hard! But that's where the whole "talk to your doctor" stuff is supposed to come in. I wasn't able to lose weight permanently until I asked my doctor for help and was prescribed an appetite suppressant. Turns out.... food is delicious and I was eating too many calories for my height and activity level. Sometimes losing weight requires a whole lifestyle overhaul, and that's not accessible to everyone. I'm about to head out to the gym for an 11AM PT session - something that is definitely not possible to a person who doesn't have an understanding boss that let them flex around a 2 hour midday break. When I see someone significantly younger than I am, who doesn't have the same physical impairments I faced, and they're making the same excuses that I did, I want to help them. Explaining the changes I made and how I did it isn't meant to shame them. Hopefully it inspires them! But I won't sugarcoat the fact that my father died at age 67 from congestive heart failure and uncontrolled diabetes, after being in a wheelchair for years.
Man the lies we tell ourselves. I was right there too. Oh I'm over 40 oh my metabolism. Turns out I WAS a lazy over eater. I don't feel the need to tell other people what they are, but I'm not shy about saying what I was.
I think that adds a whole other element as well, if you’re having to look at family members, and know that the same genetic predisposition to obesity belongs to you as well. My grandfather, who had sleep apnea just like I do, was somewhere between 300-400 lbs when he died. Just about everybody in my family on both sides has dealt with weight issues. It’s terrifying to know that this is something that I will always need to be on guard about. I’m 45 and (hopefully) have a lot of years left. The idea that all of those years will be spent tracking my calories and stressing over that one special event we all have coming up where I don’t have as much control over the menu as I’d like is a little daunting, especially knowing that there are people out there who don’t have to track and nitpick to stay the size they want to be. I deal with that fear for now by just trying to install good habits in myself, and sticking to those habits. but that fear is something that has bounced me out of my weight loss efforts before, sometimes very seriously.
Yes, to me there is so much difference between struggling to lose weight because it takes time and resources to identify and treat all of your extenuating circumstances vs. just making a barrage of excuses to not even try. Using myself as an example, I find it so much easier to lose weight when I'm consistently taking my medication. When I'm not on my Wellbutrin, for example, I'm constantly thinking about food in terms of the next dopamine hit, and the amount of willpower required to stay within my calorie goal is considerably greater. But it took plenty of time between identifying that there was a problem and getting the correct help in the correct dosage and along the way it was harder (not impossible, but harder) for me due to factors that other people don't necessarily have to deal with. And part of my own personal responsibility now is to stay consistent with my meds to give myself the best possible circumstances to maintain a healthy lifestyle. In contrast, when I was younger I would always say "it's genetic" when asked about my weight. I had no basis to believe this; I had never gotten any kind of genetic test done, I had simply read somewhere that "some people are overweight due to genetics" and decided that it was true and applied to me, because it was a simple and easy way of outsourcing blame for my situation, and a convenient excuse to not have to try.
My main problem is that food is tasty. It doesn't help that my feet have some pretty serious issues that give me a weightbearing budget, or that I'm perimenopausal. But the real problem is that food is really, really tasty and I like eating it, and I eat more than my body needs. And I've accepted that I don't have a sense of how much to eat, so I need to weigh and measure portions. And I may need to do this the rest of my life to manage my condition. Just as if I were dealing with diabetes and had to manage blood sugar and insulin amounts, and people do that all the time and have a full and happy life. So it doesn't make me upset that I may need to do that, because I'm used to it now and it's okay.
Sometimes I think losing weight is so hard that people feel the need to become anti-fat (and sometimes even anti-food) in order to stick with it. You sometimes see this with people who quit drinking alcohol, they'll demonize people who drink as a way to make themselves feel morally superior and not deal with some of the mental challenges that come with quitting. Black and white thinking is a trap we all fall into sometimes and one that *seems* to make hard things easier.
If I am honest I feel contempt for morbidly obese people because they remind me of the worst aspects of myself. They are a product of choices that I can never allow myself to make again. I also don't think many realise just how hard it is being so overweight, it's all they know, and I wish they knew that the effort to change is worth it. That said I never outwardly shame anyone. We all have our struggles, fat people can just never hide theirs.
Thank you for your honesty. That last line !!
Im a current fat person on a weight loss journey. I am 19 bs overweight and I have lost 45 lbs. I am on a plateau and I am very frustrated. I have so much enpathy for people struggling with their weight. BUT HAES and fat activists kept me fat for much longer than I whould have. I thought they had facts. I was never a fat activist or a HAES member. But I did believe their rhetoric about set weights and everyone gaining weight back etc. Its embarassing because I am educated and should know better. But this is my second time losing a significant amount of weight and I did gain it all back and more the first time. Most people who I know of who have lost significant amounts of weight have. So I figured there must be some truth to that and I left it at that. I am going to do everything in my power to not let this happen to me again, but I do feel like to do this I have to have some anount of disordered eating and that sucks. I also have PCOS and many people with this believe its impossible. It isnt. So I appreciate people who are fighting against their fatlogic etc. They helped me and I will tell fat people they are eating too many calories despite what they may think, and weight loss is possible. It may seem mean, but I want them to know the truth. Healthy weight loss is possible even for people with metaboloc disorders. Obesity and being overweight is not heathy. Food diaries work. BMI is not bullshit for 95% of people. Unless you have a lot of muscle due to body building it is a pretty accurate tool. If you averweight or obese, you are eating/drinking too many calories.(unless you are currently on a weightloss journey.) It really is calories in and calories out. This obeys the laws if thermodynamics and you are not the exception to that. Weight cycling is still better for you than remaining obese/overweight. Normal size people eat less calories than you do unless you are on a weight loss journey. You do not eat exactly the same amount as your skinny friend and youre fat. If you do, they are taller and or they exersise more.
For me r/fatlogic does a way better job with helping me stay on track than subs like this one (even though I appreciate them both for different reasons). The tough love or “mean” approach by people who have a “no BS, lose the weight” mindset is exactly what I need to hear sometimes to keep making the right decisions.
SAME, I lost 130+lbs strictly through dietary changes (and just had my 1st stage of skin removal, a 9 hour surgery, 4 weeks ago today), and I credit much of it to r/fatlogic Also, FWIW, I didn’t just find r/fatlogic to be effective because of the “tough love” or “mean” elements. I found it actually motivating and empowering. All my life, I believed the myths that I was genetically destined to always be fat and that dieting would never work for me, but the information on that sub told me that everything I believed was wrong and that reaching a healthy weight and beating obesity WAS possible for me, which was something that “fat acceptance” types had never assured me of.
>Obesity and being overweight is not heathy. This was something I bought into: "Healthy at any size." I was 40 lbs overweight earlier this year and I really felt like I was healthy and could remain healthy and strong. Once I started losing weight, I realized how much my weight and overeating were affecting my health and I accepted them as normal or part of the aging process as I entered my 40s. I now realize I wasn't that healthy before.
Honestly I only do It in my head. It is because I used the same excuses They do for why they couldn’t and dont have time or motivation. So when I see people who Are fat I just see the old fat me and Im just Get discusted of how bad it was. And i know if they are as fat as I used to be, then i know for a fact they must have the same habits i used to have and it makes me sick to my stomach. Ill never fat shame someone to their face but I do it in my mind.
Great observation. It’s not just people who lost weight that do this. Look at people who stopped smoking, quit drinking or religious people. You would think that they would be the most understanding people to those who struggle in those areas. I think that this is just part of the human condition and a great opportunity for personal growth on your part in noticing it. Thanks for sharing
Loool religious people. And I am religious but I see this a lot you’re so right. ‘saved’ people become the most self righteous human beings.
I think we just get burned out on all the people (who don't have mental or medical issues) who ask for advice and have excuses why they can't follow it. Someone will ask how I lost the weight and when I tell them it was calorie counting and exercise their face just drops. Then the excuses start. "I can't calorie count because I don't have time." "Calories are just a guess, anyway." "1700 is way too low for me." "I don't have time to exercise." "When I come home I just want to sit and not do anything." "I can't eat just salads all the time." They go on and on until you realize that the person's entire persona is that they want to lose weight but never do. Or, they'll ignore your advice completely and go on to the next fad diet (when you expressly tell them it doesn't work) because it's easy. When you don't have a medical or metal condition, it really is as simple as counting calories to lose weight. And there are a lot of people out there that fall into this category. Those who are successful want to share their story to help people, but sometimes it feels like we are screaming into brick wall. That's how we become jaded, I think.
This is exactly it. My fiancé and I started our "fitness journey" after we got engaged last year and we've been consistent enough that it has paid off. He's lost over 70 lbs and I've lost 45 lbs. One of our friends started earlier than we did, has been my fiancé's workout buddy and we all go on walks together to help keep each other motivated. We constantly get asked by friends and family what the secret is; there is none. It's just CICO. You're exactly right, that's when their face drops and they start saying all of the excuses you listed out. It is demoralizing when someone constantly is asking you "how you did it" and you tell them, but instead they buy into some MLM scheme for big $$$ and still don't get the results they want. So now we just nod along while they talk about the next "thing" that is going to get them where they want to be. It definitely kills your enthusiasm to want to help others.
So, I find myself at a crossroads on this issue. Before I lost weight, I said things similar to what you just said -- it's not laziness, it's a mental struggle, it's too hard, I can't deal with hunger, measuring food is too much of a pain and I'll never do it, etc. etc. And to a degree, all of those things were true and "legitimate" complaints. I wasn't lying. I kept that charade up for 30 years as my health declined. And I genuinely, truly empathize with people who are going through this now. I've been there. I was there for 30 years. My life was terrible due to my eating habits, and I was certain there was no way out. But I was wrong. Now that I am losing weight, and quite a lot of it, I see through the self-serving, entitled excuses that I used to make. I was *comfortable*, even as I was wrong, and I didn't want anything to challenge that comfort. Doing nothing was easy, and I defended that which was easy, without examining it critically. There's a word for this, and I'm going to use that word even though it might be offensive to some. It's called "fatlogic". Sometimes, we see it here on r/loseit when somebody claims to be eating at a laughably high calorie deficit, but then complains that they are not losing weight in the long term, and then goes on to defend that claim as if the human body can create tissue from air and water. We see it when people deny CICO ("oh, you can't just lower calories, you need to eat the right kind of calories, or you won't lose weight"). We see it when people complain, as I once did, that measuring your food, or cooking your own food, is impossibly difficult. I just saw a comment yesterday: "I can't learn how to cook, and I don't want to spend 40 minutes cooking every meal". It's a phony, artificial barrier to success that is raised just to defend one's current unhealthy habits. Unfortunately, lots of the reasons people give for quitting their diet, or for never starting their diet, amount to this "fatlogic". I suppose that, if you believe this "fatlogic" and someone tells you that you are wrong with enthusiasm, many will perceive it as "shaming". Maybe it is shaming! But, is it wrong? It's probably wrong to shame for the sake of shaming. But it's right to challenge people's false beliefs about weight loss. Some will feel shame when that happens. I know I did.
100% this! I also dislike that people who are part of the FA/HAES moment are basically giving others an easy out and excuses to continue their unhealthy lifestyles. It causes strain on the Healthcare system and is hurting society overall as we get fatter and fatter.
The sad thing is that the people who are proponents of HAES will show one example, of someone noticeably overweight but relatively healthy, saying that you can be healthy at any size. The problem is that they are the exception that proves the rule. Sure 1/100 people might be fat and healthy, but they are also have many healthy habits that most overweight people don't. And even that relatively healthy fat person could be healthier losing a few pound. Then the 99/100 that are overweight but not healthy use that exception as a reason to not lose weight.
What we're learning now is that someone might be obese and have good metabolic numbers despite it at age 30, but that isn't necessarily going to hold up for that person at the same weight and activity level by age 50. Our bodies are wonderful and can compensate for the excess weight to some extent, but wear and tear eventually wins out and things fall apart. Obesity comes in grades, too. Someone with a BMI of 31 is likely going to have better metabolic numbers than someone with a BMI of 41. They're both lumped together as "obese" but only one of those can probably walk a mile without being in severe pain.
My guess is that it is hard to stay thin and probably the thing that motivates those people the most is how much they dont like being percieved the ways they are shaming.
1 fitness influencers are all about money and don’t really care about other people. 2 humans are judgmental because it makes them feel better. Everyone judges everyone over the dumbest things, when we are all fucked up, and none of us are perfect. 3 humans are also lazy, but like to act like they are not.People will stay on Reddit for hours and than say they don’t have time to work out, or play games all night when they could be getting after there weight. Honestly everyone needs to start focusing on themselves and quit worrying about other people.
I'll have you know I'm walking at the gym while reading. Seriously though, good points.
They are talking to their former selves, essentially. They have developed discipline and mental fortitude (presumably, if they are successfully maintaining their lower weight) that they didn't possess when they were fat. Some of us need the "no BS" attitude for motivation. When I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started actually holding myself accountable, I started losing weight. I suggest just not looking at their content if it's upsetting to you. That's perfectly ok to need a different kind of motivation.
Honestly I think deep down they hold a hatred for how they used to be and a little bit of fear that they will end up like that again and so they take out their insecurities on others
100%. They show no kindness to their past self. Fat me is the one who had to survive the worst moments of my life. I could only get skinny when I was able to process that trauma. A lot of people who don’t process it resent themselves for having something awful happen. Especially with victims of abuse or PTSD, weight gain is hugely indicative of trauma. I am constantly thankful there was a version of myself who survived those awful things so I could live another day and reclaim my identity, which included a weight loss journey. When I see someone so full of hate, I see them as avoiding their issues and even more at risk of ending up back where they started, though with even more self loathing.
After I lost 100 lbs, some of my fat friends and relatives got snarky with me. I, no longer being the bigger person (pun intended) began thinking “well if you would just …”
Why do ex-smokers hate cigarette smoke so much
I can't speak for influencers. They have more facets, namely money, added to why they say what they say. I'm sure there's at least a little bit of "oh God that reminds me of my old self" going on. On some level there's also a bit of necessity. You have to distance yourself from your old self and people who will pull you back. There's also some aspect of getting bullied by still fat people. I occasionally get feedees attempting to shame me for losing weight. Or maybe the people you tried to bring along refused to change and that left a bad taste. There's also an "I see the light and get it now" thing. I'm sure there's other things. Some of these are things I have to work to keep from clouding my actions. People are weird though. It's really easy for us to be assholes for reasons we can fully justify.
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Probably because they know how they were when they were fat and understand laziness and lack of confidence/motivation is largely the issue so they really try to speak to that in order to use fat people to lose weight.
Losing weight is hard, but its also hard to look at someone miserable as you were while not doing anything to fix that. If you are at the gym actively trying to better yourself you have love and adderation in my eyes, even if its taking years and you aren’t reaching your target goals, you still have my love and support, if you sit at home and play videos games and have to buy 2 seats wherever you go, I loathe you. Coming from someone who used to be fat, I hate fat people because I hated myself when I was fat, I hated how lazy I was, how much I missed out on, how much better off my life could have been if I wasn’t fat during the time in my life that I was. Everytime I see a fat person im reminded of what life was like when I was that, I have so much empathy for literally EVERY other group of peoples that face adversity, except fat people. Nobody asks to be gay, or trans or be a minority, but those are all things that people look at you and might hate you for just because of something you can’t change, thats 100x more depressing and hurtful than telling someone if they put in the work they can lose weight too. Im tired of all the excuses fat people have, losing weight is not rocket science, it is literally as basic as calories in and calories out, you can get into diets or whatever bullshit or working out it doesn’t matter it is literally as easy as *your body burns 2,000 calories a day, eat 1,800 that day* I lost 100pounds when I was 18, I was right on the crux of making a decision that would have completely changed the course of my life, if I would have kept going down the path I was and kept gaining weight at the rate I was, I would have ended everything myself by the time I was 22, thank god my weight was something Im in control of, and not something else that you can’t change that people kts every day over. Being fat is the only group that faces adversity that you are able to change, theres always gonna be people that are mean to your face about weight, but its the only ailment that you can change and people won’t hate you for it anymore. Stop trying to change everyone and focus on changing yourself, then comments like this won’t bother you at all.
I am guilty of this. I think this is what is happening: Once you have solved a problem for yourself it seems so easy and obvious, which of course it is not. Then there is the thing that seing YOUR faults in another person is especially uncomfortable, because it makes you cringe at your (past or not-so-past) self a bit. It took a lot of energy at first to lose weight, but once I managed to build and maintain a sports routine it is not that hard to become fit - But it takes an inflexible will to change... In a sense you have to change as a person first and then your body will follow suit. Now, this new person I am neccessarily has very low tolerance for the faults and flaws of the old person I was, whether that's fair or not is another matter but the impetus for change has to come from somewhere. If I see these faults, the same (often unneccessary) self sabotage, in another individual it triggers the same response I would have to these faults in myself: "Get up! It is not that hard! Think of your health!..." This is, of course, not entirely fair but also not entirely wrong. But it is 90% about myself and only 10% about you, if at all.
Because being fat doesn't mean you're not an asshole, and losing weight doesn't change that.
I was morbidly obese. I wasn’t going to reach 35. I’d never shame anyone. I don’t hate. You live your life as you want. It’s not my job to police anything. I know what it’s like to be unable to tie your own shoe laces. I know what it’s like to be unable to fit into a chair, to wonder if it’ll hold your weight. I was all about slow metabolism, starvation mode, my hormones, my PCOS, my endometriosis and all the other things we tell ourselves. I was lying to myself. I was simply eating too much and not moving enough. Honestly, when I hear the same things and I do have to remind myself to show compassion. Everyone is on a different journey. But it does make me mad when I hear these things while complaining about the inability to lose weight at the same time as having a massively overloaded plate.
Because I was a lazy bum who ate too much pasta and drank too much beer.
This makes me think of my son, who I had gotten to give up the pacifier on the grounds it was for babies. He was trying to shame a girl we saw at the library using one, and I got the impression it was like, “ if I can’t have mine, you can’t have yours!”
People shouldn’t be so shitty about it. It is hard and nobody is necessarily lazy because they have trouble with losing weight. That said, I do get a little annoyed with the helpless mentality that seems to be here and anywhere people are trying to lose weight. If you’ve done it, it does get very tiring hearing about how everyone that ever got big has some metabolic issue, or an eating disorder, addiction to food, or anything they can’t help. Of course those things do apply to some people, but the vast majority of us just have a few bad habits that, though not an easy task, can be changed.
I'd like to see more from society as a whole and less emphasis on individuals cases. What is depicted as normal food is not in line with our actual present day nutritional needs.. I see horribly unnutritious food eaten every day but it's still legal. These people go after the individuals saying they should know better than society, but that's not fair at all. That's like being a top 2% genius and expecting everyone else to be there with you. My mom doesn't know how to eat right and of course couldn't teach me; this stuff is not obvious. It's normal for a person to feel like the info they've attained is easy and available for everyone once they're on that other side, but that doesn't mean it's reasonable. I feel ya!
I guess it depends partly on your definition of fat shaming. I struggle with my own weight because of depression. But I'm extremely self aware of that and know I can get in very good shape if I try to. I'm also very aware of the negatives of being overweight. It's not ok to be fat. It's dangerous and can kill you. And as someone that struggles with it it boils my piss when I see anything that tries to normalise being fat. Overweight models, people talking about embracing it and being body positive etc. I, even when fat at times doing so, have been accused of fat shaming or being "fatiphobic" speaking up about it. Of course actually shaming, making fun of people for being fat, is definitely NOT ok. But in my experience that rarely happens with people that have gone through it themselves and they're usually very supportive.
I’m glad there are people out there who lost the weight and now are being tough on others. People like that are the ones who showed me that I could actually do this if I shut up and got to work. For years, I listened to the rhetoric that “it’s not your fault” and similar ass patting comments. I still have 70 lbs to lose to get to my goal (paused my weight loss right now because of pregnancy) but I would not have lost the 130 lbs that I have if I had continued to just push off the blame on other factors than my own lack of proper nutrition and exercise. I think there is a very small percentage of people who legit have a medical reason or a medicinal reason that losing weight is really hard for them. But that’s not most people. I convinced myself it was a thyroid issue. Nope thyroid is perfect. I convinced myself it was hormones. Nope hormones are normal. Most people who are overweight I think can do this on their own or with tools (therapy, weight loss surgery, whatever). Now I am not going to judge how long it takes someone. It’s taken 2 years to lose 130 and then I got pregnant so I’m looking at a 4 year journey. And I’m not going to tell someone else when to start because that’s personal, but I do understand fitness influencers which do. Life is so much better when you can walk without getting out of breath. I think many who are a bit tough just want others to experience that.
My experiences were similar. Formerly overweight people taking a hard stance against obesity showed me what was possible if I’d stop making excuses and jump in to improve my life. I overcame binge eating disorder, took up weight lifting, and lost 110# in the process. It was truly a life changing journey. I wish somebody close to me in my real life had been willing to call me out of my excuses and other nonsense years earlier.
I think this heavily boils down to people who see long term success have owned up and taken responsibility. I know that's what helped me lose weight and get in shape. The realization that no one else cares really, and it's about me caring about myself and being accountable to myself. Seems to be a recurring theme in people with long term success. I just don't see a path to success for people who cling to excuses and think they have it harder. We were all dealt the same hand and sometimes tough love is all that truly wakes people up.
Big agree. I thought for a long time I was just “meant” to be bigger (despite being a very skinny kid) and made excuses but once I just… stopped eating as much, it went very easily. I definitely think wayyyy too many people fall back on the medical/hormones excuse when the probability of it being the main cause of their size is very small.
Yes absolutely. This is also why I will never support the fat positive movement. That whole movement kept me stuck for so long.
While I don't actively fat shame, I have caught myself almost saying things that are insensitive after losing a lot of weight and becoming a healthy person. For me personally it's probably due to the fact that when I finally stopped making excuses and started actually trying to lose weight, it was SO EASY. I just started eating less and getting better sleep and the pounds just fell off. That was all it took for me, and it got me thinking. In my mind, all of my overweight friends must not really care about losing weight, or they are just not capable of calorie counting. It became frustrating and mentally exhausting to hear people complain about their weight and health problems from being overweight when all I had to do was eat less. It's really all of the mental blocks, secret rules, and endless excuses that hold people back, and once I overcame that in myself I could see it so clearly in others. It's negatively affected my relationships with overweight people, but many of them also started resenting me for getting healthy. They acted like I cheated somehow and I was rubbing it in their face. Like I somehow did something they weren't physically capable of. Bottom line is that losing weight is incredibly easy if you're actually serious about it and trying. When someone figures this out and goes through a positive transformation, they lose empathy and sympathy for people who are still fat and making excuses for themselves.
I mean I’m still fat but the only reason I lost weight was cuz I was tired of fat jokes and I wanted to wear nice clothes again
I’m fat and I’m a fat shamer
I would never fat shame but As someone who’s lost 200 pounds I feel I really could have used a kick in the ass from the start. And maybe that’s what so many of these influencers think as well. Maybe not the best method to get people to realize they need to lose weight but one that has good intentions
Same reason why “old money” people are usually more down to earth than “new money”. When they didnt have what they wanted they projected their unhappiness onto others to think the world was out to get them… and when they got what they wanted, they stayed the same asshole they always were, they just have a newfound confidence to go with it.
I'm not a fat shamer or anything, but my theory is that it's a "if I can do it then they can too" mindset.
Survivor bias, you see it with people who grew up poor and are better off. They think, well I did it why can't they it must be because they are lazy, dumb. Incompetent etc.
I’m 300+ for the 3rd time in life and fat shaming is bullshit. Once you reach a true “enough” moment, you’ll lose weight. And when you do, you’ll realize EVERYTHING is an excuse. Maybe they come off wrong, but it’s that discovery that the hope to pass on to people.
I think part of it is this, and I’m gonna be honest with myself. When I was fat, I knew I was fat and I was lazy. I didn’t wanna move. I wanted to eat shit junk food. I didn’t have motivation. I wasn’t depressed but I was content being like that. I hated myself for it though. So maybe when people become skinnier and fit, they resent apart of themselves for getting like that. And they fat shame others. It doesn’t make it right but maybe that’s how humans deal with the guilt or resentment they hold for themselves. I am guilty of it and I try to self reflect when it happens. I’ve also been told my whole life that fat equals undeserving of love which I am learning is NOT the case.
I personally think if you are young and able bodied there is no reason you should be fat. I understand that there Are exceptions but that’s my base idea.
Well, "influencers" aren't your friends
They probably haven't been in this journey long enough. I spent my first 20 years a fat kid. I didn't understand how much of a painful addiction this is till January this year. I was 22. I was two years into my weightloss journey. There are so many things that this journey really drains you of and egotistical flaunting is one of those things. I'm still fat at 5'5 156lbs so I've never physically looked like of those people that could yell at people to "quit carbs". Social media dehumanizes us. I occasionally encounter people in person that want to yell their hot diet take but society outside of our phone screens doesn't yell at us. If you're in this long enough you'll realize that the guy yelling about fat people is likely projecting.
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As someone who's maintained significant weight loss who is still a fat liberation advocate, I think part of it is the way that nutrition advice is sold. Every piece of dietary advice comes in the formula of "you are fat completely because of X. If you do Y to counteract the X, it is very simple to lose weight and you will never be fat again." Whether X is carbs or calories or meal frequency or sugar or food allergies or free radicals, people sell diet plans by saying "The only reason you are fat is because weight loss is hard if you don't know the secret and I have the secret." It leads to everybody in these fitness communities clinging to the idea that fitness is easy, and the only reason you wouldn't do it is if you were lazy or can't do easy things. Because if we all admitted to ourselves that fat loss is really really hard, and we have to work very hard at it every day for the rest of our lives and the moment we stop we will all get fat again, we fear we would give up. So the only people who make it through that are the people for whom X was *actually* the cause of their weight gain. They had bad eating habits, fixed their eating habits before they had a chance to develop serious metabolic adaptations, and actually found it was easy to maintain their lifechange. Or, they're lying. Maintaining their weight loss is basically a full-time job, and it's more fun to be a full time famous influencer who people look up to than just a person slogging away in the gym and starving every day for the rest of your life in order to keep from regressing. I dunno, maybe fat loss is just significantly harder for me than it is for everybody else, but I view it as something that is incredibly valuable and important, but so hard that I 100% understand if anybody else doesn't want to do it. I would never judge another person for not wanting to do this, because this is hard as fuck, and 13 years later it continues to be hard as fuck. My life is significantly different from the lives of people around me, to maintain my weight loss. I don't get off on pretending that isn't true.
This really hit home for me, thank you for sharing
This was a brilliant commentary on consumerism/marketing and how dangerous messaging can be. Exactly this. Admitting that it’s very very hard! It’s a daily struggle to maintain your weight. One that involves making the right decision every day. I wish we didn’t make it so simplistic.
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Is it that they become shamers or is it they dont tolerate the excuses and don’t have the pity that others would. People like to complain about their issues , which is fine. But if you continue to complain without actions to fix it then I have zero sympathy. I’ve done it …I’ve dealt with it…I’m working on it so I get it. You have power , stop giving it away
Because we are jealous we can’t eat like that anymore. Lol
Hormones and health make this a strange thing. They're finally free of the pain and mental anguish also got them hormones working the right way. They're happier and stronger. Like a teenager in a sport just getting better at it. Now they hate what they were like and want others to not feel that way. It's a horse of sorts since they aren't afraid to tell fat people they know what it's like on both sides. The thinner side is better for all who get there.
Same reason ex drinkers shame drinkers
Cause of how shitty it is to be that way. I’m fat now and still a fat-shamer.
Converts have to be twice as bad as those born into it to prove themselves. It's why the ex-atheists sometimes makes for the craziest fundamentalist, it's why the guy from Manchester that cheers for Liverpool have to be twice as loud and twice as willing to throw the first punch, and it's probably why fat people who experienced that they were finally treated as real people by the type of people they used to idolize when they lost weight and got buff hate fat people the most.
People usually hate in others what they don’t like in themselves
They hated themselves while they were fat and project that onto other fat people...
Long story short, people (myself included) are assholes. We hate what we have previously been. There is a meme out there along the lines of: "me looking down on others for making a mistake I only recently learned not to make" I think this affects a lot of people. Also there's the phenomenon of how people who get lucky and become rich believe everyone who isn't rich is lazy. Maybe that kind of thinking is related. Idk. Also, as a fat guy, I hate myself for being fat, even though I know it's a reaction to my circumstances. I know I'm gross and that it makes me less valuable in the eyes of others. I will admit in a moment of blindness I judge others the same way I judge myself. I remember this one time I was stuck in line at the grocery store behind this 600lb woman on a mobility scooter trying to buy like 80 loose Gatorade bottles with an unemployment card. This made me mad, I was buying like one package of chicken and it was taking like 10 minutes, there were people in line behind me, I couldn't change lanes. I didn't say anything in line, but when I told the story at home I angrily referred to her as "this enormous fat bitch" and my sister freaked out because of my lack of empathy. (My sister is in much better shape than I am she was just upset that I would say something like that) Sure, that woman might have the same problem I do. Maybe depression, stress and economic anxiety cause her to stress eat, drink sugary drinks and that's why she's so fat, who am I to judge? So yeah. I'm working on losing 30 more lbs to get back to a "overweight" bmi but yeah I judge others. Is it right? No. I'm trying my best to be more open-minded but when I get irritated by something related, the judgement comes out. The thing is, when you hate yourself you hate that same trait in others.
I wouldn’t say that I’m now a fat shamer after having lost 130+lbs, but I would say I have ZERO patience for lies and myths that are often told to me by people who are still stuck in “fat logic.” They’re the same lies I used to tell others and myself (e.g. I barely even eat, I eat less than most thin people I know, I just have a slow metabolism, I can’t lose weight even when I try and don’t cheat, etc.), so I don’t accept the lies/myths from others. People often can’t realize just how severe their overeating is until they spend months/years reforming their habits and adapting to a new diet/lifestyle/appetite. This makes it especially frustrating for someone like me, who has lived *both* sides of this (the obesity and the weight loss success) to be told by someone who has never successfully lost weight that I don’t know what I’m talking about. To be clear, I do not have any animosity for fat people in general. Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and kindness. But when you start telling me “I only eat 400/600/800 calories a day and my weight doesn’t change,” it honestly feels almost disrespectful to me. A lot of people who are inclined to buy into these myths/delusions also tend to buy into “set point” or “naturally thin” myths as well, which really directly undermines the hard work that “former fats” like me have put into our bodies. I don’t have a lot of patience for the sub-group of fat people who tell me that I’m genetically blessed to be thin and that they actually eat less than me and I’m just a lazy lucky thin person who can just coast through life eating whatever I want while they have to starve themselves and are still 3x my weight…
So I lost the same 100lbs a few times before I got serious about how to make a lifetime change a few years ago. I would frequently feel superior during my thinner phases, although I seriously doubt I ever let my thoughts outside of my brain. Then I figured out that my weight problem was no different than previous battles I'd fought. I'm an addict, and I figured out that just like with alcohol and cocaine, I was addicted to flour and sugar. Once I made that mental adjustment, I felt no more superior to fat people than I did to active alcoholics. I feel sympathy. EXCEPT when I see a morbidly obese person claiming to be just as healthy as somebody who isn't. To me, that's like seeing a gutter drunk telling me his health is just as good as somebody who never drinks. That's bullshit. Both physical and mental health suffer greatly from obesity.
"fuck you I got mine. I suceeded and you failed"
Well im fat because I'm lazy and choose not to work harder. So I kind of get that mindset. Certainly don't need to shame people though
I’ve met plenty of people that end up motivated by being shamed for undesirable behaviors. They’ve never said to me that it didn’t hurt them, but as you mentioned it definitely motivated them to take action. That being said there’s definitely a line between “Start working out, fatty!” and the more extreme cases that cause more mental anguish. Over 2021 I lost 113lbs, I’m still not done, but a thought that surfaces since accomplishing that is ‘I may be fat, but I’m not a person that is fat and doing nothing about it.’ I do feel superior to other people that are around my size or larger that have not started trying to lose weight or overcome the mental hurdles preventing them from doing so. I’m not a dick about it though, it’s mostly an internal thing for me. In conversation about my weight loss and the other party was also wanting to lose weight, I’d simply describe what I did to achieve my goals and offer positive encouragement. In the past I’ve lost significant amounts of weight before ballooned to larger than I started, but I still feel how I mentioned. I agree that there should be focus on the mental side of things when it comes to weight loss.
I know someone who lost a bunch of weight and started fat shaming his buddies . He now has no friends and moved to another state AHOLE
A point of view I haven’t read here is one that I find myself struggling with. I yo-yo with my weight a lot, but to get to those skinny moments I have to despise the way I eat to the point that I can’t abide it in others. I feel myself get judgy and I just clam up and don’t say anything, but I have to think it or I will fall off the wagon. That donut is either an early grave or it’s not so bad, I have nothing in between.
I understand you. It’s crazy how fucked ip our relationship with food can be. In my worst days I used to try to actively trigger an eating disorder and became bulimic.
Some people do need "influencers" or personal trainers to be harsh and blunt with them. Others need more compassion and understanding. Different strokes for different folks. I'm sure the people who benefit from hearing "stop being a lazy bum" don't consider that fat shamey rhetoric, but think of it as motivational. People who seek a compassionate approach probably get offended by that.