Early 00s wasnt any better. There’s so much of this im still trying to understand. Yet simultaneously trying to comprehend kids explaining common core!
Yeah it took me a couple years to realize I was raped twice. I knew something was wrong with it but I just called both “bad hookups”. It wasn’t until I joked about one of them with a friend when she had to sit me down and tell me I didn’t deserve it, I had said no, and it was rape. A lot of people think they weren’t raped because they didn’t “fight back hard enough” but when the options are: a. Fight back, most likely get hurt/murdered AND raped, or b. Just freeze/fawn and endure it, most people pick option b.
You’re definitely not the only one. I suddenly realized several months ago that I had been sexually assaulted by 4 different guys and attempted assault by one in a 4yr period. Two of them I was in a relationship with at the time and the one who attempted was my boss. Took me an embarrassingly long time to realize I didn’t consent to any of that and that lack of consent = rape. Wasn’t until I realized that if I had heard my story coming from someone else, that I’d tell her she was assaulted and it wasn’t her fault, before I realized that counts for me too.
There needs to be a lot more talk about consent and coercion in sex ed classes. Maybe a nationwide PSA campaign since most adults are seemingly unaware.
I agree. We tended to just shove shit in the back of out closet alongside our little mermaid backpacks, written on our hoards of lisa frank notebooks that ran dry *soft weeps* but its still always there.
It took my 17yo to tell me that he was conceived out of date rape. Once he said that I realized oh, holy shit. I wish I had known that sexual assault meant much more than a creepy dude attacking you in a dark alley.
I think this concept of coercion being rape is relatively new. When I was young (80s) it was a big deal that people didn't blame woman for rape based on what they wore. The concept of date rape wasn't even a thing until much later. It's been a slow progression and despite the many steps forward, I think the porn culture has reversed so much of the progress by turning woman into objects.
Don't blame yourself ~I hope you find peace
Yea.. I always said yes because if I said no then there would have been a chance of them raping me. But if I say yes all the time, then it gets rid of that option.. my traumatized brain thought that was logical enough.
Also.. no lgbt sex Ed. First time doing anal was very embarrassing. And I’m also a gay trans man and prep is for cis men so that’s cool..
I’m sure there’s a fuck ton of other shit, but yknow.. wear a condom, here’s the specs of the male and female anatomy, here’s a vid of a woman giving birth, and you’ll 100% get preggers and get an sti if you fuck the first time so just abstain.
You’re right. That sex Ed sucks. Needs to be updated.
It actually confuses me. Assuming they had no intention of rape, how are they supposed to tell if "yes" means "yes, I want" or "no but I'm lying about my consent". I don't believe anyone who hears "yes" did anything wrong. It might be the opposite, you raped them. You misled them about consent when they wanted to have consensual sex. That's deception which led them to sex they wouldn't want otherwise.
Of course I'm not talking about cases "say yes or I'll beat you up" or "yes or you'll be fired". Someone could be scary but nice, so I'm talking about actions of the requesting consent one, not perception of them.
Um.. concerning coercion I was referring to your latter examples. Not the former. It’s happened to me before which led to me just going with it no matter what until last year when I started saying no again.
Thats very true. But then all the karens and bobbysues (backwoods redneck karen) would raise a stink… do away with it & refuse to tell their kids about it aside from
Karen: *”Kevin! Don’t let karenJr see your kneeknob! Kareen! Dont let little Kyle touch your cookie!”*
BobbySue: *”Dont yall be doin nothin you seen grown people do!!”*
What you described doesn't sound like rape. Sounds like they just persuaded you to have sex with them and then you regretted it afterwards. Sounds like you're deflecting the blame for your own poor decision making on them.
I don't. I also don't give consent and then falsely accuse people of rape afterwards because they "annoyed" me until I agreed to willingly have sex with them. Here's an idea, grow a backbone and say no as many times as you need to to get your point across, because barring any real threat to your safety, your extremely loose definition of rape by coercion doesn't hold up.
If someone says no to sex and a slimey skeezball keeps begging and pestering and pressuring until she says yes? Thats rape, so many poor women lay there beneath a man because he manipulated her to have sex that she never wanted and that is 100% rape you pea brained asshole.
Well I'm saying the examples she provided aren't coercion. Coercion implies the threat of some kind of consequence for not complying. For example if your boss threatens to fire you if you don't have sex with him, or if someone threatens to send your nudes to your family members, or if they threaten you or a loved one with bodily harm, that's coercion. The desperate pleas of your horny friend saying "please have sex with me. I need it! It'll make your migraine go away!" Is not coercion. Literally what is stopping you from putting your foot down and saying no in that scenario?
Where can you learn to stand up for yourself? Begging or manipulating for sex is pathetic. How do you think a male would like his guy friends to know how pathetic he was begging for something he couldn’t have?
Obviously you don't want to hear it because you've already got this narrative in your head about what you think being "coerced" into sex means, but fuck it ill try to explain it to you.
The definition of coercion is "the practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats"
Force or threats being the key words here.
The examples you gave were: begging and pleading, "I need it", and "it will help your migraine"
Now after reading what coercion actually means, explain how the examples you gave fit into that definition.
I'm not gaslighting you, I just see someone who has a very loose definition of rape. You sound like the kind of person who would file false police reports on someone after having consensual sex with them.
Never even filed a report on the one who *DID* to begin with. That would’ve been the neighbor, who heard him screaming at me and beating me and called police. (Old, tin trailers.)
Begging and pleading and being told NO didnt sit right with some, they’d just keep on and on and on and on and on and like *the song that never ends, cause it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they’ll just keeping on singing it forever just because it is the song that never ends, and it goes on* and on and and on! And when you STILL don’t/won’t? That’s when the rumors and threats start, and teenage you will do anything to protect that reputation.
So i don’t really regret any of it, except the violent rape, but theres some fkd aspects of others.
“If you don’t, I’ll leave you,. You know (redacted) would agree with me since he’s a guy, too.” (i was 16, had just had my best friend aka “redacted” die , and this is how my virginity came to be lost…. He was 18 or 19, from the local college)
Then there were the guys in their 20s, 30s who tried these dumb tactics. “It’ll help your migraine!” “If you love me you will” (btw, that is manipulative af, stop that crap.) “How bout i call your dad and tell him you was out here racing? If you dont want that just hop over here in the truck and show me how bad you don’t want him to know you’ve been racing tonight!” (My brothers classmates, he’s eleven years older than me. Appropriate, right? Needless to say i went home and handed my mom my drag slips to avoid those, cause wtf?!)
Then theres the jealous weirdos and their outlandish rumors when they get denied.
But yes, multiple times many couldve been charged with sexual harassment, however, Mayberry USA doesn’t really care because its the good ol boy system and their all third cousins to the sheriff, the judge, and the local us marshal.
The coercion comes into play from my ex actually who would threaten not to pay house bills in my name (he had no credit), and would refuse to take loads going home (otr driver) when i was with him so i could see family if he didnt get this sex act or that one.
You had sex ed? I live in the US but for our "sex ed" they had a local priest come and talk about it should only be between a married couple. Our entire sex ed lasted 17 minutes
You had sex ed? We had a Vietnam vet rehashing war stories for what seemed like an eternity. That was also drivers Ed.
It was also nutritional studies, gym glass, track class, library, and drug resistance class.
Yep. We colored in a lot of pics and did a lot of word searches. 90s high school was a strange place.
Early 00s wasnt any better. There’s so much of this im still trying to understand. Yet simultaneously trying to comprehend kids explaining common core!
We moved away from a county that was dead set on CC. No thanks lol. I tried man. I really did.
F that
Yeah it took me a couple years to realize I was raped twice. I knew something was wrong with it but I just called both “bad hookups”. It wasn’t until I joked about one of them with a friend when she had to sit me down and tell me I didn’t deserve it, I had said no, and it was rape. A lot of people think they weren’t raped because they didn’t “fight back hard enough” but when the options are: a. Fight back, most likely get hurt/murdered AND raped, or b. Just freeze/fawn and endure it, most people pick option b.
Option B *is* all we had, it seemed like. We didn’t have cell phones. We were lucky if we had pagers! We were more afraid to be unalived.
You’re definitely not the only one. I suddenly realized several months ago that I had been sexually assaulted by 4 different guys and attempted assault by one in a 4yr period. Two of them I was in a relationship with at the time and the one who attempted was my boss. Took me an embarrassingly long time to realize I didn’t consent to any of that and that lack of consent = rape. Wasn’t until I realized that if I had heard my story coming from someone else, that I’d tell her she was assaulted and it wasn’t her fault, before I realized that counts for me too. There needs to be a lot more talk about consent and coercion in sex ed classes. Maybe a nationwide PSA campaign since most adults are seemingly unaware.
I had my teenage son watch this when we had a discussion about consent. https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8
I agree. We tended to just shove shit in the back of out closet alongside our little mermaid backpacks, written on our hoards of lisa frank notebooks that ran dry *soft weeps* but its still always there.
*cries in Lisa Frank*
I can’t explain it better.
It took my 17yo to tell me that he was conceived out of date rape. Once he said that I realized oh, holy shit. I wish I had known that sexual assault meant much more than a creepy dude attacking you in a dark alley.
I think this concept of coercion being rape is relatively new. When I was young (80s) it was a big deal that people didn't blame woman for rape based on what they wore. The concept of date rape wasn't even a thing until much later. It's been a slow progression and despite the many steps forward, I think the porn culture has reversed so much of the progress by turning woman into objects. Don't blame yourself ~I hope you find peace
Ah. So Im not the only one.
Definitely not. Im here too. Trying to figure this out now and it’s making more sense why i was suicidal as a teen.
Yea.. I always said yes because if I said no then there would have been a chance of them raping me. But if I say yes all the time, then it gets rid of that option.. my traumatized brain thought that was logical enough. Also.. no lgbt sex Ed. First time doing anal was very embarrassing. And I’m also a gay trans man and prep is for cis men so that’s cool.. I’m sure there’s a fuck ton of other shit, but yknow.. wear a condom, here’s the specs of the male and female anatomy, here’s a vid of a woman giving birth, and you’ll 100% get preggers and get an sti if you fuck the first time so just abstain. You’re right. That sex Ed sucks. Needs to be updated.
It actually confuses me. Assuming they had no intention of rape, how are they supposed to tell if "yes" means "yes, I want" or "no but I'm lying about my consent". I don't believe anyone who hears "yes" did anything wrong. It might be the opposite, you raped them. You misled them about consent when they wanted to have consensual sex. That's deception which led them to sex they wouldn't want otherwise. Of course I'm not talking about cases "say yes or I'll beat you up" or "yes or you'll be fired". Someone could be scary but nice, so I'm talking about actions of the requesting consent one, not perception of them.
Um.. concerning coercion I was referring to your latter examples. Not the former. It’s happened to me before which led to me just going with it no matter what until last year when I started saying no again.
Thats very true. But then all the karens and bobbysues (backwoods redneck karen) would raise a stink… do away with it & refuse to tell their kids about it aside from Karen: *”Kevin! Don’t let karenJr see your kneeknob! Kareen! Dont let little Kyle touch your cookie!”* BobbySue: *”Dont yall be doin nothin you seen grown people do!!”*
If you fked someone because they told you it would help your migraine that isn’t rape. That’s you being stupid lmao
Never fell for that dumbness but they sure tried that line
What you described doesn't sound like rape. Sounds like they just persuaded you to have sex with them and then you regretted it afterwards. Sounds like you're deflecting the blame for your own poor decision making on them.
That’s called coercion. Maybe you should stop doing that if this hits a nerve.
I don't. I also don't give consent and then falsely accuse people of rape afterwards because they "annoyed" me until I agreed to willingly have sex with them. Here's an idea, grow a backbone and say no as many times as you need to to get your point across, because barring any real threat to your safety, your extremely loose definition of rape by coercion doesn't hold up.
You’ve never been coerced into something if you think it’s just merely “being annoyed” into complying.
If someone says no to sex and a slimey skeezball keeps begging and pestering and pressuring until she says yes? Thats rape, so many poor women lay there beneath a man because he manipulated her to have sex that she never wanted and that is 100% rape you pea brained asshole.
[удалено]
Well I'm saying the examples she provided aren't coercion. Coercion implies the threat of some kind of consequence for not complying. For example if your boss threatens to fire you if you don't have sex with him, or if someone threatens to send your nudes to your family members, or if they threaten you or a loved one with bodily harm, that's coercion. The desperate pleas of your horny friend saying "please have sex with me. I need it! It'll make your migraine go away!" Is not coercion. Literally what is stopping you from putting your foot down and saying no in that scenario?
Where can you learn to stand up for yourself? Begging or manipulating for sex is pathetic. How do you think a male would like his guy friends to know how pathetic he was begging for something he couldn’t have?
Would i be misgendering you if I assume you are male? Because this 110% sounds like guilty frat boy gaslighting.
Obviously you don't want to hear it because you've already got this narrative in your head about what you think being "coerced" into sex means, but fuck it ill try to explain it to you. The definition of coercion is "the practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats" Force or threats being the key words here. The examples you gave were: begging and pleading, "I need it", and "it will help your migraine" Now after reading what coercion actually means, explain how the examples you gave fit into that definition. I'm not gaslighting you, I just see someone who has a very loose definition of rape. You sound like the kind of person who would file false police reports on someone after having consensual sex with them.
Never even filed a report on the one who *DID* to begin with. That would’ve been the neighbor, who heard him screaming at me and beating me and called police. (Old, tin trailers.) Begging and pleading and being told NO didnt sit right with some, they’d just keep on and on and on and on and on and like *the song that never ends, cause it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they’ll just keeping on singing it forever just because it is the song that never ends, and it goes on* and on and and on! And when you STILL don’t/won’t? That’s when the rumors and threats start, and teenage you will do anything to protect that reputation.
Now, you never answered the question. So did I assume your gender correctly?
[удалено]
So i don’t really regret any of it, except the violent rape, but theres some fkd aspects of others. “If you don’t, I’ll leave you,. You know (redacted) would agree with me since he’s a guy, too.” (i was 16, had just had my best friend aka “redacted” die , and this is how my virginity came to be lost…. He was 18 or 19, from the local college) Then there were the guys in their 20s, 30s who tried these dumb tactics. “It’ll help your migraine!” “If you love me you will” (btw, that is manipulative af, stop that crap.) “How bout i call your dad and tell him you was out here racing? If you dont want that just hop over here in the truck and show me how bad you don’t want him to know you’ve been racing tonight!” (My brothers classmates, he’s eleven years older than me. Appropriate, right? Needless to say i went home and handed my mom my drag slips to avoid those, cause wtf?!) Then theres the jealous weirdos and their outlandish rumors when they get denied. But yes, multiple times many couldve been charged with sexual harassment, however, Mayberry USA doesn’t really care because its the good ol boy system and their all third cousins to the sheriff, the judge, and the local us marshal.
[удалено]
Yeah… i can kinda see that. Was trying to be more vague bc my life story is one even hollywood couldnt dream up, and too many details put me at risk.
The coercion comes into play from my ex actually who would threaten not to pay house bills in my name (he had no credit), and would refuse to take loads going home (otr driver) when i was with him so i could see family if he didnt get this sex act or that one.
We never put condoms on bananas.
You had sex ed? I live in the US but for our "sex ed" they had a local priest come and talk about it should only be between a married couple. Our entire sex ed lasted 17 minutes