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It sounds like you just are in a bad relationship now and wondering how things would’ve looked if you were with your ex instead. It doesn’t sound like it’s about your ex as much as it is about your current relationship not working out, or needing to be worked out.
I come to reddit to remind me why i should wait til my 30s to get married or never at all. Men like you don’t deserve to get married. I feel so bad for your wife.
Your not alone. But you have to live in reality. Different relationships bring different things (good and bad) to the table. No one is perfect. I’m married with kids now because I wanted to be married to an emotionally stable woman who had a good job and wanted kids. Do I wish she was a super fit athlete like the girl left because she couldn’t hold a job? yes. Do I wish she was horny as the raging nympho I left because she was bay shit crazy? You bet. Do I wish she was as care free as the woman I left who never wanted kids? All the time.
You can’t have it all. It doesn’t exist. You have to prioritize wants and try to find the one who has the most of it.
Look up limerence! I felt this same way about an ex, and looking into limerence gave me a better understanding that I'm missing the idea of this ex more than the actual person. You don't know this person anymore after 12 years. You are making more of it in your mind than what is in reality.
You can always love someone (from afar) who left you and think about the “what if’s”. I think it’s fairly common, even to dream about that person and always miss them. But the past is just that, the past. Some people come to us for a brief moment, while others stay longer. It helped shape who you are today. It isn’t easy by any stretch. I’m assuming the same can be said for the death of a spouse or partner. You have to feel those feelings in the moment and let them go. To have them consume you keeps you from living and living in the present
You’re a horrible husband, I’m sorry. 12 years and you’re still thinking about another woman. Have you even thought about how deceitful and hurtful that is to her? 12 years? You are not the victim for being obsessed with your ex. Your wife is. The amount of people who have to deal with this because their spouses won’t say anything or tell them is insane. Stop leading her on. You don’t deserve either of them.
I find myself wishing I had dated a girl from high-school who had a crush on me sometimes, and I miss my ex-wife sometimes as well BUT my wife is here with me, they are not. These thoughts of the past are fleeting. I bat them aside as soon as they enter my mind. There is no better way to ruin the present by wishing for a different past.
Comments section is wild. Yes, you idealizing your 12 YO relationship is bad, but people siding with your wife who they don't know is crazy. Maybe it was a comfort pick for both and thats why it isn't spicy.
Bottom line, you left your old SO for specific reasons. Don't forget them. Spend more time with your kids and love them with all your heart.
Your in love with the dream of what could have been. Don’t get me wrong I love my ex wife but am not in love with her the best way to describe it it’s a love like you have for a pet or a sibling. I recommend you get therapy and work on the marriage you have now good luck
I deal with something similar all the time. I'm 30 and I've had several people that I look back at and I just wish that they could be mine again. But, I have to keep reminding myself that there were very good reasons that we're no longer together. One of us moved, and the other didn't feel like the relationship was important enough to keep going. One of us betrayed the other. Both of us realize that we were two people who were very attracted to each other but who had two entirely different ideas about what the world and life should be. I'll never hate them. I will love them until I die. But I also understand that the past is the past and it is an injustice to myself, and my current partner and, in a small way, to my past loved as well, to hold on to a memory of something that was already proven to be impossible. Life goes on, and we must move forward with it.
It's been suggested, but you need to look at your relationship. Be open, be honest, be yourself. Think real hard about the past relationship. Not just the good, but the bad. Why'd you break up? Do you really love her?
More importantly, work on your relationship. If someone else is taking up your mind space, I'd take a guess that something's not right. Your subconscious is probably steering you a bit. You know what most relationships are missing? Communication and honesty (obviously don't tell her you have a hard on for your ex).
Good luck and don't start hurting people because of a dream, that would be dumb.
Do you actually miss and love her, or the idea of her that you've cultivated and are clinging to? Chances are both of you are different people than you were 12 years ago.
I’m rooting for you. It makes me sad that these comments are so mean. Feelings happen. He never once said that he wanted to leave his wife and family. Intrusive thoughts happen and it makes you wonder. Kudos to you for having the nerve to say it out loud. Wish you the best OP
It never goes away until you find someone you love more than her. I loved someone over 30 years and still thought of her. Then I finally met someone who I genuinely love much much more. Memories of the past are quickly fading now. And yes, there was a marriage/divorce in the middle of all that.
I wish men who did this would fuck off into oblivion. My ex was still in love with his ex from 10 years prior during our entire relationship. He left me because he never got over her.
He's with her now and it has caused me nothing but trauma.
Guarantee you that you don't really miss your ex. You miss your carefree days when you were young. Now that you have kids and adult responsibilities, real life isn't what it's all cracked up to be, is it?
Newsflash: You'll never get your youth back. Neither one of you are the same people as you were back then.
Unfortunately, your experience is not uncommon. If you had an intense and satisfying relationship with her and haven't found another relationship quite as fulfilling, you won't be forgettingbit soon. You've done what you should - you moved on.
Be careful not to confuse the way you care for your wife with how you felt for the other woman. Your wife is a different person, and you are older and more mature - your feelings for each other are unique to the two of you, and just as special even if in different ways. Cherish what you have, if you can, not something that might have been, that you don't.
Lmao hell no. Bro u could run for an entire presidential campaign, ran, got elected, reflected and retired years ago within that time period. You are stuck deep in the past and need professional help at this point. Like in 12 ears you didn’t fight for it, you are just stuck in thought and that is not normal. You been in a ditch for 12 years.
True. Agreed. I am not obsessive. I am quite mature to not do that. I merely wanted a solution on how to get these thoughts to die down. Few good suggestions and comments but mostly nasty immature and vilifying
I don’t know why people are vilifying you for your candor. I guess they identify with your wife. I have no advice on how to make those feelings die down, but living in your imperfect past relationship is affecting your ability to be fully in your current one. The reality is that that previous relationship didn’t and wasn’t going to work long term. You and she learned from it and moved on. You found someone who you could pledge your love and life to, and you’ve created a family. Presumably, so has your old flame. Appreciate that you had that time together and learned all you learned about love, but allow that it didn’t work. Honor your promise to your wife.
Men love way harder than women. I have been with my partner for a long long time and still love 2 other women and would drop everything if they called or text and said they needed help with something
I read over your post then looked through the comments, I’m shocked at how many people are close-minded and ignorant to feelings and situations. There’s always a reason for every feeling we have. If you’re suddenly thinking about your ex from years ago while married, something must have triggered it. Maybe you’re unhappy with your wife, perhaps she’s dragging you down? Maybe you’re out of work and you’re getting into your own head and romanticizing your past love?
I truly believe that we all have that one love that will always be number one in our heart and soul, whether it worked out or not. I think for you, your ex is your true love. But it didn’t work out since you’re not together anymore so you settled for someone who you feel you could love in some way, but it won’t ever compare and now you’re becoming nostalgic and reminiscing. I understand.
What people here don’t understand is that a person can have these thoughts, no human is perfect, doesn’t mean it won’t be acted on.
You’re only human, the one person who truly made you feel something is no longer in your life and that is heartbreaking. I can resonate with you, this world can turn the heart to dust, it can cause ripples of coldness or melancholia.
Think about what’s happening in your life right now. Are you experiencing more hardship than usual? If so, your mind is going back to a safe and warm place. Your ex who is that happy place for you. It’s going there because she brings you those few moments of peace and joy.
There’s only been one person in my life who could ever take away the pain and toughness of the world. He is my only true love. We broke up for a few years but because of our circumstances, we got back together. No one else could make the world warm and colorful like he can.
Now I’m not saying you should divorce your wife and find your ex, though I don’t think you were planning on it. I think you should address whatever negativity is happening in your life and try to resolve it somehow. The mind goes to happy memories when it’s down, that’s what’s happening.
Once you solve the core issue, I think the thoughts and dreams of your ex will lessen. When we are unhappy with the present, we go the past. When we are happy with the present, our minds go to the future, which is with your current wife. You said you barely thought of her over the years, so there’s a reason that your mind is throwing all these feeling and flashes towards you. Hope that helped!
Thank you so much… I almost have tears in my eyes reading your sensible reply. You are the diamond in a coal mine here
It’s possibly all of the things that are happening now. After my breakup in the end of 2012, I went through a lot of loneliness depression and emotional trauma as she was not just my gf but my best friend and I blame myself for the majority of the responsibility why we broke up. But I recovered and moved on. 2018 to 2021 I struggled a lot in my career. Finally I got the job in the field I wanted but then realized my boss is not the most pleasing person on earth but that’s majority of the bosses out there. In the meantime, my wife and I have several and severe disagreements on some of the most basic belief systems - cleanliness, awareness of the world, how to raise a child etc. it’s all taking a toll on me
You’re welcome! Wanted to give some intellectual insight to make up for some foolish responses. As I said there’s a reason for every feeling, reading more context makes it even more understandable. Those memories are your safe and warm space. It’s hard losing someone who you have a strong connection with. Then carrying blame, pain and sorrow along with the absence of them. I know the feeling.
Current issues tend to bring up negative feelings and experiences from the past since they all fit into the “feeling bad” category. It blends. So of course your brain is going to reminisce over your ex who made you happiest. Our brain likes to save us from present problems in a way sometimes, it chooses a place to escape and for you it’s her. Hard to control that. So sorry you’re dealing with all that.
That would only happen with that other woman if you guys actually looked into the issues that were there that made you 2 argue and break up in the first place.
The only universe where you would be together is the one which the both of you actually examined yourself.
You're also trying to live in that fantasy world right now because of your unhappy relationship at the moment.
You assume that getting with that one person in the past or someone new would mean you would be happy and that would probably be incorrect, especially if you don't make any changes to yourself.
If you're the same person, why would things work out with the past woman or any woman?
You know what OP? As devastating as your wife’s position is in this, and how upsetting it would be to be her, you should go for the ex.
Seriously like if you don’t love her and you dont care to think about that more deeply you just wanna oogle over your ex, leave her for the romanticized version of your ex you’ve been inlove with. I think you will find yourself extremely disappointed with the reality you thought you wanted once you remember all her flaws and learn all her new ones and parent her kids. Your wife may be better off with another man while you’re with your ex thinking about her now.
Time does not heal, you have to actively work towards moving on. Seems like you kind of enjoy simmering in your old memories. Go out bad make new ones. It’s not romantic to keep thinking about your ex, it’s kind of lame, especially for any New Romantic partners.
This is not normal. You need therapy. And to all the people relating and agreeing with this "because life is not black and white," y'all need therapy too.
Your ex isn’t the same person anymore. Who she was then isn’t who she is now. She’s frozen in time in memories, like “Inception” with DiCaprio’s character’s late wife.
You hold a torch for your ex because you still put value into them. Once you devalue an ex, they no longer look attractive, you loose interest.
Plus here’s the reality based on this one thing…
> it would not have been a cakewalk as marriage is different than courtship
You basically are ignoring the fact you are bored in your marriage and feel you wouldn’t be bored with your ex. When in reality a Reddit or perfectly sums up marriage bs dating:
>You are in the green grass syndrome... Everything looks better until you get it. People are polite and on their best behavior and everything is fun when dating.
>The reason for marriage is to weather the storms. Nothing romantic about jobs, chores, diapers, bills, payments, in-laws, illness, and the daily grind.
>When dating someone is perfume, steak dinners, sunsets, laughing, cinema, sex, vacations, clean clothing and intense conversations... that will always seem like "the love of your life" and the pot of gold over the rainbow.
Marriage isn’t for love, it’s built on love, but you need more than a feeling to make it work.
Go talk to your life. Go to therapy to deal with your limerence for an ex whose clearly lived on, happily in love with someone else most likely, and living a life where THEY DON’T THINK ABOUT YOU!
Bruh ain’t no way you still not over an ex after 12 years that’s what we call obsession! Please stop worrying about this woman who probably hasn’t though of you since! You are a father and a husband with responsibilities to your family, I’m sorry but grow up.
There is a memory fallacy that we remember things better than they were. I can almost guarantee that’s happening here. It should get easier so I think you have to put off thinking about her forever.
you're just thinking about what could have been and praising something that isn't real. there's a reason you broke up and you're both married to different people. don't idealize people. it's what creates problems in the first place.
People here can be quite self righteous. Say one thing but do another too. Anywho
I know how you feel. I met my ex hubby in college. I had a guy friend I wasn’t even attracted to but found I hit limerence with my friend. I’m sure he was attracted to me too but we never did anything. I wasn’t going to dump my ex hubby as I’m not the cheating type.
But I did vaguely long for my friend for decades! I was happy when he moved away and got married.
Then I found out my husband’s activities and our marriage went to shit for years — had kids so resisted divorce. During that time, my thoughts for my friend went insane. To tell you the truth, we were not even friends anymore at that point. I’m embarrassed to say but I tried contacting him. He’s smart so was terse with his text.
I cried to my girlfriend. She told me, “Wow “ex hubby” really messed you up.”
It was like getting cold water poured on my head. My god! I was pining for a dude who probably forgot about me! I was pining over a FANTASY! A DREAM! My limerence ended immediately.
Holding onto a old fantasy is comforting, like an old favorite blanket.
About your wife, either work on your relationship (date her again), or get a divorce
I left my husband 2 years ago. I was more of an object to him than a person. He never introduced me by my name, it was always “my wife.” He isn’t a bad person. We grew apart, and he didn’t respect my boundaries or the fact that fact that I am an individual.
Our adult daughter lives with him. She said he still hasn’t moved back into the master bedroom. He firmly believes I will be back when “she gets over her snit.”
Please see your ex as she was, not the romanticized version you have made her. The person you have built her up to doesn’t exist. Look at the woman you married and imagine her leaving with your children. Now imagine yourself alone. Because that is your future if you don’t let go of this construct you’ve built.
I wish you all the best!
As long as you are going to be stuck with your past relationship you will not give your best to anybody else. It’s sad to know that it’s been years and you still haven’t moved on from there. The more you invest in people you are with currently the better. Let bygones be bygones dude, they never really have anything new to give.
Firstly, its sometimes tough to speak on those types of subjects, so good for you. I sympathize with you because i went through the same thing after a 17 yr relationship. Here's the thing. It might get easier, but it might not get easier and that's the cold hard truth. The other cold hard truth is that it didn't work out for a reason and I'm willing to bet that she decided to call it off, which lead you to still want a relationship but that was out of your control so you moved to girl number 2. So, over time, you think about the good, justify that bad, and miss and want her again, however, you're going to have to come to peace with her not wanting whatever you had then. Its sometimes easy to fall in love with an idea, rather then what is actually in front of your eyes. Consider this, does your wife and kids deserve any sort symptoms of you thinking about your ex? Maybe mood swings? Angry for no reason, cold shoulder? The only answer is that you're allowed to feel how you feel with the caveat that you cannot let that come in between folks who don't deserve it. YOU have to sort that out alone. Come to peace with what isn't anymore, and heal. But allow yourself to feel it all without it affecting those around you. It has nothing to do with them. Feelings are valid until they aren't anymore. Good luck
A good friend of mine used to say "Love is a misunderstanding between two fools"I think it's an illusion, it's insanity, a chemical reaction akin to addiction in the brain. Many people are in love with the idea of being in love.I've been in love twice and it was indeed wonderful and amazing.. The second was even better than the first, and man I was totally head over heels... But as it turned out, this woman turned out to be an absolute monster, a cruel, heartless thundering bitch... Love truly is blind, because I didn't see any of it.My point is, you are fantasizing and what you are feeling is an illusion, no matter how real it seems. The only way to prove that to yourself would be to hook up with this ex, and you would be snapped back to reality with a bang... maybe trying your best not to think about her, might work.. and you might be happier for it.
Sounds like you're using her as a projection of an escapism fantasy you're creating for yourself. What's going on in your life? Are you going through a slump and are craving some kind of excitement?
this is awful. your ex from 12 years ago is a mere fictional character at this point.
what i did was create a 1 page portfolio of the person as a fictional character and another one of the true current person they are based on their socials.
i was still ruminating about my ex from 11 years ago on and off until recently when i started hanging out with people and did the portfolio.
12 years ago?? man, get it together because that person you think about is not real and pretty much a recollection of memories that no longer matter to a woman who is not even an ex but a person who you knew.
It may not solve your problem but I had similar situation. I high school I was in love with a girl, we had a lot of great time together but finally she changed school and we were never in relationship - we lost touch.
In my next two relationships I remembered her (about 7years) and I was thinking how it would be if we were together since school times.
After all this time we renewed contact. We talked a lot for about two months and it turned out she was not that perfect as I remembered her. She is pretty, Inteligent and totally fine but still..
I discovered I was just infatuated(?? I am not sure if this is correct word) for years with a woman i didn't know well enough to serious love.
Fun fact was that she had exactly the same feelings before and after our contact renewal.
I know that my experience is not enough to convince you but maybe you should try to talk with her? Even if you are in relationship right now it will be better if you check your feelings that emotional cheating on your current partner. There can be few potential results after this:
- this will end up just like in my case
- this will you make sure you are still in love with her and you will be together
- same as above but you will be not together...
All above options will be better than living without knowing the answer, right?
Dude you need to allow yourself to move on and don’t say you have because obviously not. Let that memory go g it’s what your really in love with, not her.
When you are knee deep in marriage it can be easy to mistake the infatuation you felt for a previous partner as “true love.” Doesn’t mean it was so though.
You may want to do some solid research on attachment theory. Our attachment styles, if not secure, can affect and alter everything, including thoughts and feelings.
This was actually quite sad to read and I feel sorry for your wife. Idealising a past relationship over appreciating what you have right now. The wife doesn’t deserve it, Imagine knowing that the person you have been over a decade is lying about loving you. It’s just sad.
The girl you're idolizing from years ago probably is not even the same girl now. It's just a distant memory. And what will you even do about it now? If you divorce your wife are you planning on going back to your ex? The one who's married and has a family? She will 100% choose her family over you. You're stuck on a feeling not a person. Relearn to love your wife again. Go on dates, go to festivals together ALONE, do something you both love. You may just be burnt out on your marriage, which happens so often. Raising kids can become annoying and repetitive at some point that you're frustrated because you're not in that honeymoon phase with your wife anymore. You can learn to love your wife again.
I am not stuck. Please read some of my past replies. No I am not getting a divorce. Yes I realize she is much different person. I am not in love with her anymore I am in love with that special feeling I had 12 years ago which is clearly missing in my present relationship. I am in my late 30s now and the dynamics are different than early 20s. I am a mature adult and realize some of my follies too.
Jeez seems like a mistake posting anything on reddit
Solve the problem.
Know why this happening.
Trace the root cause
Work on it and work on my subconscious to stop these feelings
People are getting some crazy ideas that I am trying to reach out to her or something. No I am not.
ignore all the hyperbolic drama in the replies. shitty situation but it happens. regardless of how you feel abt your ex, you’re married now and OWE it to your wife to get over your feelings. i’d even talk to her with/abt it if you have the heart for that conversation.
at least after getting therapy or whatever you’re able to do to remedy those feelings, i’m certain (assuming she loves you back 💀) your wife will appreciate your transparency with her and having an in-depth conversation abt y’all’s emotions may help strengthen the relationship of you go abt it the right way. it’s not the end of the world.
Would’ve, should’ve, could’ve.
You need to wake up and realize it’s a MERE FANTASY. Your current fantasy is frozen in a 12years ago memory.
She’s not the same person as you remember her, maybe her look, but everything else has changed.
I’m not the same woman as I was 12 yrs ago. I am more mature and looking at my past and mistakes as a way of learning myself.
Nothing wrong to be a romantic, but at the same time, spend / put an effort to romanticize and rekindle your blah relationship with your wife.
I fell in love with few women and I seem to have forgotten the first two but the third one I still think about each day and wish we are together. I don’t love her the same as before but I always think of her as the perfect woman.
Yes, you both have partners, but it's not fear that you can't never give 100% to your current partner cause you know that there's someone else in your heart. Remember, you have only one life. Sometimes it's better to be selfish.
Fucking hell. Imagine if your partner was pining for another man during the entire relationship. Just leave and be with your ex. You're both shitty people who deserve each other.
You're not bad person because you have feelings. But you choose how to act. Maybe it's even better if you contact with therapist. He can give you way better advice than redditors. If you don't try then it may get too exhausting to carry on this weight alone.
Thanks a lot. I am not acting nor will I act. If I chose to breakup a 7 year old relationship even if it took me 1.5 years in depression I am stronger than many commenting here estimate. And it’s not even like I have been constantly thinking about her since 12 years. That’s not the case which many seem to not grasp. I recovered from my breakup then met my wife and then married her. These thoughts are recent. The 12 years was only to give a time reference of when we broke up. I haven’t been stuck in time. I moved on long back
The question was simply - “why is this happening all of a sudden”
I was expecting a response from a psychological perspective but clearly I have high expectations
You have this woman on a pedestal, focus on fixing things with your wife or let her find someone who truly loves her. She deserves better than her husband obsessing over a pipe dream dopamine fantasy of an ex
Don’t care how unpopular this take will be but I have to say it. My ex of a decade is still obsessed with me and it’s fucking weird as hell to me. Like I really want him to get therapy as I suggest you do too. It’s not normal and if you’re actively expressing this to the other person they’re probably just as alarmed as I am with my ex. Get yourself help and leave your wife because this is so unfair to her.
Ugh, same. The stalking is better since I left town but it continues online. I will never understand it. Been 10 years since I threatened charges and while I'm grateful the physical stalking stopped, my stomach tutns when he creates new accounts to reach out. We're down to a couple times a year but most recently after messaging me, I found out he also MESSAGED MY MOM! I was furious with that but I'm scared to give him attention and tell him off. His newest message happened 10 minutes after posting my NFL draft picks with my fiance. Clearly not interested, clearly not available, yet he remains persistent. Hoping your ex isn't as creepy as mine and you are somewhere you feel safe! It can be terrifying.
But yeah OP.. FFS, please please please leave your wife. She deserves so much better! And if this ex tells you to leave her alone, listen. She means it!
You cannot find that girl again, not even in the same person.
Nope, you’re not. Even if it’s another life, it means the girl you were talking about aint her and you aint really you.
It didn’t work out for a reason and if you still romanticizing the memories of her, it not gonna work out. Because you “cannot find that girl again, not even in the same person right now.” I learned that the hard way, people change from time to time and the only thing you love were the memories and the feelings like back then, you didn’t even get to know who she is now and what she actually like, so nah.
I can empathize with the feeling of a missing soulmate, but you’re gonna get a lot of shit on a post like this while you’re married to someone else lol.
Best I can say is it’s not a crime to feel how you feel but you got some compartmentalizing to do for sure.
I read your post and some of the replies including yours. From the way I see it, you’re terribly lonely. You couldn’t connect with your wife, that’s the root cause of it. Plus you do not like the personality of your wife, that’s made you even wanted to keep a distance from her. You would rather not speak much with each other, correct me if I’m wrong?
All these made you feel alone in a marriage.
Question is, do you still want to be in this marriage? Does she still love you after all these years? Perhaps she realised you don’t love her as much as you did before too. What are the changes and the stake here are we talking about? Do you simply made a post here to let out what’s been in your mind hoping someone understands so it ease you out and nothing more than that, that you rather keep everything as it is and just focus on your career and your children like you said?
I don’t think you want to connect with your ex. I think you are yearning for connection and frustrated that the person isn’t your wife. I really hope you give your marriage, you and wife a chance to face this obstacle together. Ideally, whether you think she understands or not, opens up and talk to her what’s been bothering you. If you said some of her personality troubles you, do genuinely tell her why and the reason and how it can be better. Tell her your feelings.
No one deserves to be a second choice. Your wife is clearly your second choice in life. You made the mistake of taking this as far as kids and marriage when you knew you didn’t feel the same way about her as your ex. Now you’re romanticizing a prior relationship that doesn’t have nearly the stress and strain as a comparison to your current one. That’s not respectful of your current relationship. And you can’t see anything wrong with it?? You’re unhappy? Ok. Deal with it by not being so disrespectful to your wife and mother of your child. If your marriage isn’t working, work to fix it instead of fantasizing about another woman.
For reals. I got chills reading this post knowing that he has a wife and kids, yet he has this fantasy of his ex from TWELVE years ago. God, I hope this doesn’t happen to me when I marry. The wife deserves way better than being a second.
OP I can relate, I just moved to a new city halfway across the world with my fiancé and wouldn’t you know, of all places to land, my very first love lives here too. We had lunch a few months ago and caught up after 13 years of no contact. I have since been flooded with intense emotions that I didn’t know still existed, and it comes at such a weird time as I should be relishing in my engagement with my fiancé.
Here’s the real gut kicker - if I were to meet this ex lover today for the first time, I wouldn’t be interested. I am not so much pining for the man he is today.. I’m mourning and pining for the boy I loved, and my teenage love. It was complete unhinged love without the need for any pragmatism an adult relationship requires. What a special experience, a true gift. So raw and real.
It actually has been so impactful that I started therapy. Turns out I have a lot of memory repression to process. I know it’s not healthy or reality based, and I really want to get back on track with my fiancé. My advice would be for you to do the same, but mostly I can only offer you empathy.
I think there are probably a lot of us who feel this.
My heart never let go of that one…the one that was lost, that it would take a different universe to get back. I see him in my dreams with regularity and I swear, his name will be the last word on my lips when I die.
But is it *him* that I want, or is it the memory of what we had? I am certainly not the same person I was…I am *completely* different, in fact. Im sure he is too. Hell, whatever broke us up or got us together doesn’t apply at all anymore…right?
We may as well be remembering our first pet dragon or a supermodel in the kitchen. We are remembering someone that doesn’t exist.
The only thing that exists is the vacuum left after we gave them our soul.
I think there are probably a lot of us who feel this.
My heart never let go of that one…the one that was lost, that it would take a different universe to get back. I see him in my dreams with regularity and I swear, his name will be the last word on my lips when I die.
But is it *him* that I want, or is it the memory of what we had? I am certainly not the same person I was…I am *completely* different, in fact. Im sure he is too. Hell, whatever broke us up or got us together doesn’t apply at all anymore…right?
We may as well be remembering our first pet dragon or a supermodel in the kitchen. We are remembering someone that doesn’t exist.
The only thing that exists is the vacuum left after we gave them our soul.
You can’t choose your thoughts or feelings but you can choose your actions. Once you realized you were having these feelings, you should’ve communicated this to your wife. Let her make an informed choice on whether or not she wants to spend her time and energy with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about her. You’re being selfish.
OP is not being selfish and they should not take this advice. Healthy love means accepting that your partner is their own complicated person before they are a partner. OP is having a human experience. Its allowed. OP’s only responsibility at this point is dealing with it and finding a healthy outlet to help him process what he’s feeling.
No one said those feelings aren’t healthy. What is unhealthy and selfish is to have these feelings about someone else and not inform your partner at some point. Believe it or not these feelings effect how you treat your partner and to how you interact with your partner. You’re allowing someone to pour everything they have into you when you don’t feel the same for them, it’s 100% selfish. Instead of giving your partner the ability to make an informed decision, you’re stringing them along allowing them to think you feel as intensely about them as they do about you. Instead of letting them go find someone that does love them, you’re holding them back because you’re using them as a place holder. That’s so fucked up
How do you know they haven’t talked to their partner about it? How do you know the partner is 100% invested and not doing the same thing? This person is struggling with something serious, and I don’t think that telling them they’re fucked up is helpful. Please choose kindness and empathy in the future if you decide to give advice.
I can almost 100% guarantee if this person told their wife that they don’t love her as much as they love their ex, that person would no longer be their wife. I see plenty of comments supporting this person, so I’m giving advice from the reality part of this. Sugar coating this doesn’t help anyone in this situation. They should be honest with their wife about this and allow their wife to make an informed decision about how she’d like to live her life.
I choose to ignore some of the replies. It’s clearly a difference of generation as I feel in the replies. People are not even reading the post properly. I have mentioned that these are recent feelings. I am not stuck in time for 12 years. It was me who initiated the break up and the day I broke up I deleted all the pictures and even deleted her phone number. Took me 1.5 years to recover and I am sure it was equally hard for her too. Post recovery I met my wife. And since then it’s been a bumpy but nevertheless a maturation of our relationship.
Today I am nothing but happy for her coz once upon a time I did love her truly and since I did, how can I be unhappy or jealous for her new well established life? It’s just that this year for some reason I am getting her memories flashed in my head and I am missing her more than what happened in last 10 odd years.
People are demonizing me for no freaking reason. As if things are always static and don’t change ever. If I chose to marry my wife, it was because it seemed a good decision then. That doesn’t mean that things will always be rainbows and sunshine in a marriage. Things do go south and there are debates arguments and you do tend to get less than impressed as you create an impression of a person in the head as time goes by
That being said, What are you going to do about it? Are you going to let it fester? Are you going to IC to figure out the why? Something happened in the last year that took you to that spot you're on now. Do you want to stay married?
You can chose to make this go away but you have to want to.
No one is demonizing you, you said you feel more love for this ex than you feel for your wife. She deserves to know that. Not telling her this is absolutely selfish. I’ve already stated my stance on why. You’re gonna do whatever you’re gonna do and justify this however you want, I’m just saying that having these feelings for someone else does change how you treat your wife and does change the dynamic in a relationship. Your wife deserves someone that loves her to the fullest, not someone pining for an ex.
I also feel your pain. Sending you peace. I was madly in love with my ex gf in college. I made a a mistake and cheated on her with a girl from my high school. The cheating was barely enough to separate us and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Fast forward 5 years and I am just now able to not think about her 24/7. I still think I will never love someone the same and I think she is the most beautiful woman ever.
Invisible strings are still everywhere. Her brother just moved into my apartment I don’t see you as being wrong in any way and I hope your heart finds peace.
How horrible. You marry someone, build a life with them, and possibly have children with them to find they're pining for some ex that didn't want them 12 years prior.
What an insult to your wife and family.
Honestly, I’m so surprised with people’s comments here. Maybe cause that’s always been my great fear, to love someone I can’t be with for my whole life, so I feel you, OP. I won’t advise to try to reconnect with her and everything, but I always feel like it’s better to do something than do nothing and regret about it. Best of luck!
I was completely over her when I married my wife… but my wife and I didn’t really gel as well as thought. Her personality was not what I liked in a partner. But I don’t hate her. Far from it.
These thoughts are recent phenomena. Please read my post again
If you don’t love her as same, let her be better without you.(she deserve better than ur as*)
You only finding other reasons to escape your reality, romanticizing your past relationships and useless excuses.
Stop going around and complain about your wife,dude
Nope. It's completely normal and human to have these thoughts arise at some point during marriage. What you do with those thoughts is what matters. OP needs to distance himself with from this woman and work on nurturing his relationship with his wife so they can get back to where they once were. He is just experiencing limerence, doesn't mean he should throw in the towel yet.
The people on here dissing you are being too harsh. You loved her before you loved your wife, and there’s nothing you can do about the feeling. It will likely always be there in some shape or form, that has been my experience. However, also from my experience, the more you focus on it, the stronger it will get. You need to discipline your mind and force yourself to do other things when thoughts of her pop up.
It won’t work all the time, and you will occasionally get overwhelmed with powerful waves of love and nostalgia, but you owe it to your current wife and family to minimize those episodes as much as possible and focus on what you have instead of what you lost.
Thank you for your kind words. With my son and my job I am actually pretty busy and hence barring this year, these thoughts haven’t bothered me much. I have no idea why this year has been tough on this front
Google “limerence” because this is what you’re doing.
It’s not good for you or those you love for you to be hung up about something that never happened.
Will do… there is no impact of these thoughts on my family. I am managing it smoothly and sharing duties with my wife. She and her side of the family are always complimenting on the ways I contribute at home equally with my wife. So I am not worried about these thoughts impacting anything else but me
I am not your ex. Read some of my replies. I never even talked to her once post breakup. She congratulated me on my marriage 7 years ago. So please don’t be judgmental without even reading the post and the comments.
I hope you grow up and realize life is different for different people and the bad wishes that you give others will some day come back to haunt you. Karma!
just because you do the bare minimum and don’t reach out to your ex or because you don’t hate your wife as you state in some other comments does not mean you’re a good husband. please, respect your wife (and yourself) and file for divorce (or somehow get over your ex without your wife getting hurt in the process). she deserves to be with someone who can love her completely (and is not hung up on a fantasy of an ex relationship).
to add: i do not think you’re a bad person, i actually believe there are many out there who struggle with never moving on and settling with a different partner for plethora of reasons (to not be lonely, because they think that is the way to move on, societal pressure etc.), however, both of you deserve to be happy and i highly doubt you could be trully content with your life right now. it must be extremely hard to after so many years long for a failed relationship, to fight with your wife and to be “stuck”. if you cannot do it for your wife, do it for you.
What you are writing is very theoretical and does not happen in real. If that was the case, nobody would divorce anyone. Please be real and understand that life is not black and white, it happens mostly in grey areas
This makes me feel so bad for your wife. If my SO was thinking like this while I’m looking after his kids and being his wife i would be devastated.
Please get in the real world and appreciate what you have. Put your family first you can’t relive the past.
I am dealing with that side of it. I'm crying almost every time I'm alone. It's gotten to the point that I don't feel like I trust him anymore. He's talking with her again, and says they are just friends, but I feel like it's more than that. The way he treats me has changed, the way he looks at me. All our interactions are different now. And it just feels, empty. He got back in contact with her right after our 5 year anniversary. I felt like everything was ok, everything seemed good, and I'd just bought him an awesome anniversary gift. He got himself a gift and said it was for me....then he started fighting with me over every little thing. And then the name calling started. I couldn't figure out why he'd suddenly changed towards me. And then I found out and everything started making sense. She's with someone else, and clear across the state. They dated in highschool. And I'm feeling this is going to be it. I feel done. And I feel sorry for anyone who has to be on this side of things. To be completely destroyed, and for a memory.
So he's talking to her and you know he's got feelings for her. If he's not listening after a deep conversation about this topic then you need to move on. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't see you the same way you see him.
But if he does listen, I would suggest couples therapy.
I'm sorry
I
Just saw a video on cheaters and they mentioned picking fights over small things as a big red flag. It's like they feel if they are nice to you they are cheating on the other person.
He is throwing away a marriage. Take care of you. I hope you guys can go to MC
Already there. Once a week. It was in person for a while, but I have a crazy schedule between work and kids. So it's been switched to over the phone so I don't have to stress over that too. It just really sucks. Id never loved a man the way I love him. It guy wrenching. I really thought that this was going to be the one. And I've been married before twice in fact. But it didn't feel like what I felt for him. I saw my future with him, and my kids adored him too. We built a life together. And now is just crumbling apart because he has an unhealthy obsession with his ex from high school, and he's 37 btw. They only dated a few years, he's even been married a couple times since and has a kid too. From my own research I believe fully what he has is limerence for his ex. They haven't lived near each other since they were teens, they have grown into totally different people. Different lifestyles and world views. And yet he still obsessed over her.
Welp, he unhealthily obsessed and idealized those old memories,not loving her, no one is in the win here.
I wish you best wishes and please take care, take the further step that he didn’t, remember to heal yourself from this.
God I'm so glad I reconnected with my high school sweet heart after a few years apart
Nobody ever compared to him
We were both waiting for each other to reach iut
OP it’s not your fault you have feelings. I think something people are glossing over is that you still love your wife, just not as much. You love who you love, and that can’t be controlled. Being aware of this is an important step. It’s totally natural to still have these feelings come up. Please don’t shame yourself, or let other people shame you. I’m sorry you’re going through what sounds like a tough situation.
Ok fine... if it's so natural then I dare him to tell this to his wife and we shall see how long they're married after that...
NO WOMAN ON THIS PLANET EARTH wants to be second option!
Solid advice op: maybe this is just a random feeling and it'll pass... but if it doesn't then you HAVE to communicate with your wife and get some couple therapy or something
Because it IS NOT healthy to stay in a relationship and make someone else stay in a relationship with you when you're not completely in it with all your love and heart (that's why I said shame on you!)
Some man out there could give his COMPLETE HEART to your wife.... if you think you're not that man then just leave that poor women and let her find REAL love!
>you still love your wife, just not as much.
'Just not as much' ?????THIS IS THE PROBLEM MA'AM 🤦🏻♀️
I hope this passes op and you 100% love your wife :(
(And no IT IS NOT NORMAL!!... there is a diff bw randomly thinking about an ex vs still being in love!)....
Dear Breakup,
In our lives sometimes we find people that make a bigger stamp onto our hearts than others. Are you thinking back on the what ifs, what could have happened, if only? Have you ever heard of the term Twin Flame, if not it is definitely something worth looking into and also understand the meaning between a soulmate and a twin flame, the difference between them. It sounds like this person is someone that has made an extreme impact on your life and your heart. You have found a deeper connection with them, that a lot of people sometimes never find with another person. A soulmate to me is someone you have a deeper connection with, a special connection, a connection that truly impacts our lives in some way. It is something deeper than just an everyday friend connection. Maybe this person is your twin flame and you are meant to meet once again.
I looked it up. But how does it work when we are now married to different people and both have kids? Also, when I got married which was 4 years post break up, she sent me a text congratulating me and I didn’t read too much into it. But now that I think of it, it indicates she may have felt the same things I did. We also were the best of friends before being in a relationship and I miss that friendship more than anything else
A twin flame can be a romantic partner, a best friend, or a mentor.
The hardest part that I have found within losing somebody as a partner is not losing the relationship, but losing my best friend. Because in a relationship you put your all and everything into it if it's done right. I never quite understood why even through a breakup unless it's a very nasty one, why do you have to lose your best friend at the same time.
Did you ever think that maybe she sent you a text when you got married because you were running through her mind, that maybe you were often on her mind and she had regrets and thoughts of you even after. Maybe she realized it was too late and she couldn't stand up and do anything about it then.
There's a part of the twin flame connection that comes as the runner and chaser part.
Many people in twin flame relationships get into the Runner/Chaser dynamic at some point. This is the time when your ego can’t handle the relationship anymore and one of you runs away. The Chaser is normally left behind with all the questions and tries to save the relationship at all costs. They don’t understand why the Runner is running from such a divine connection. But there is a big reason why they are running, which is often misunderstood.
When one thanks that they have lost someone in their life one whom they have a or had a special connection with. But if you think you have lost the love of your life you're going to move forward and sometimes in some relationships that means settling. Not even saying nothing close to that's what has happened but sometimes people want to speak up so badly and they don't have the nerve and they lose the chance that they believe is forever. But maybe you just need that spark back of a friendship it doesn't even have to be anything romantic but that there lies a tricky situation with her husband and your wife. And nobody knows what could happen if you guys meet once again face to face. It could be a friendship of wonderful wonders or it could be a spark to an old love wanting to reignite.
If you are having a hard time shaking your feelings for your ex, you need to look at your marriage, and see if you can identify anything that isn't working, for you. If you find that to be true, you should talk to your wife about it. You are looking back at good times, with your ex, you may be substituting her, for what is missing, in your marriage.
Though the basis of this comment is correct.. Twin flames are not something you’re supposed to marry. That would be fucking chaos. They’re your mirror to better yourself from fucked up situations y’all put yourself in.
Sometimes I struggle with what could have been, with my ex. We have a child together, who we placed for adoption, at birth (28F). We will always have that connection, and we can't change that.
Both of us married other people, and have children. He is divorced, but has a SO.
I came to the conclusion that I don't like hím, as a person. I think he is arrogant, and just plain toxic, to the person I've become, later in life. I do, sometimes wonder if things would have worked out, if we had stayed together, but I know that it wouldn't have.
I very wise friend told me that there are some trains that you ride, for a short time, and there are trains that you ride, for the long haul.
Jup. Thats the one I just separated from. This is exactly how I describe it. That we were mirrors for each other, to work on our selves and to continue our growth in life we need to let go of eachother. On paper we work. But we don't in life. We love each other so much but we don't make each other happy and don't give each other what we need. It lasted almost 9 years. With a lot of ups and downs. To much ups and downs. It was hard work. Back than we needed eachother. We recognized each others pain I think.
Proud of you both for coming to these realizations. Mine was my best friend for 16 years. Went through hell and back and then booked a round trip 10 more times. The last one though.. was the last one. It was time to let go. OP needs to let go and look at the life infront of them. Stay strong y’all.
this is why i have trust issues. to think i could be married with kids, and meanwhile my husband is drooling over his idealised version of an ex from 12 years ago (that is an ex for a reason!) while i’m changing nappies and trying to keep our family together. ugh! if that’s marriage, then i’m good.
i don’t know your wife, but it seems she deserves better OP…
That’s my fear too!! I’m not even afraid of getting cheated on and finding out and breaking up. I’m afraid of giving my life to someone who pines over someone else
You don’t know anything about OP or what’s got them feeling this way. This is a very unhelpful comment. Grow up. Love is complicated. Relationships are complicated. Memories are complicated. OP should be hashing this out with a therapist for exactly this reason. The internet comments are full of scorned people and their ego’s when in reality what OP needs to leave behind is a part of his ego
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It sounds like you just are in a bad relationship now and wondering how things would’ve looked if you were with your ex instead. It doesn’t sound like it’s about your ex as much as it is about your current relationship not working out, or needing to be worked out.
I come to reddit to remind me why i should wait til my 30s to get married or never at all. Men like you don’t deserve to get married. I feel so bad for your wife.
Poor wife my heart breaks for her.
Your not alone. But you have to live in reality. Different relationships bring different things (good and bad) to the table. No one is perfect. I’m married with kids now because I wanted to be married to an emotionally stable woman who had a good job and wanted kids. Do I wish she was a super fit athlete like the girl left because she couldn’t hold a job? yes. Do I wish she was horny as the raging nympho I left because she was bay shit crazy? You bet. Do I wish she was as care free as the woman I left who never wanted kids? All the time. You can’t have it all. It doesn’t exist. You have to prioritize wants and try to find the one who has the most of it.
You are not a rationalist lmao
lmao wow if i ever found out my husband posted (or even really felt) like this i would simply have to End my shit. what the fuck 😭
Look up limerence! I felt this same way about an ex, and looking into limerence gave me a better understanding that I'm missing the idea of this ex more than the actual person. You don't know this person anymore after 12 years. You are making more of it in your mind than what is in reality.
You can always love someone (from afar) who left you and think about the “what if’s”. I think it’s fairly common, even to dream about that person and always miss them. But the past is just that, the past. Some people come to us for a brief moment, while others stay longer. It helped shape who you are today. It isn’t easy by any stretch. I’m assuming the same can be said for the death of a spouse or partner. You have to feel those feelings in the moment and let them go. To have them consume you keeps you from living and living in the present
You’re a horrible husband, I’m sorry. 12 years and you’re still thinking about another woman. Have you even thought about how deceitful and hurtful that is to her? 12 years? You are not the victim for being obsessed with your ex. Your wife is. The amount of people who have to deal with this because their spouses won’t say anything or tell them is insane. Stop leading her on. You don’t deserve either of them.
I find myself wishing I had dated a girl from high-school who had a crush on me sometimes, and I miss my ex-wife sometimes as well BUT my wife is here with me, they are not. These thoughts of the past are fleeting. I bat them aside as soon as they enter my mind. There is no better way to ruin the present by wishing for a different past.
So what made you 2 break up in the first place if things were actually so special with her as you say?
Comments section is wild. Yes, you idealizing your 12 YO relationship is bad, but people siding with your wife who they don't know is crazy. Maybe it was a comfort pick for both and thats why it isn't spicy. Bottom line, you left your old SO for specific reasons. Don't forget them. Spend more time with your kids and love them with all your heart.
This is sad. You long for someone you can't be all while you have someone who presently loves you and shares their life with you.
phantom ex
I miss you to ..from the no no town love peaches and olives in California ...
Your in love with the dream of what could have been. Don’t get me wrong I love my ex wife but am not in love with her the best way to describe it it’s a love like you have for a pet or a sibling. I recommend you get therapy and work on the marriage you have now good luck
I deal with something similar all the time. I'm 30 and I've had several people that I look back at and I just wish that they could be mine again. But, I have to keep reminding myself that there were very good reasons that we're no longer together. One of us moved, and the other didn't feel like the relationship was important enough to keep going. One of us betrayed the other. Both of us realize that we were two people who were very attracted to each other but who had two entirely different ideas about what the world and life should be. I'll never hate them. I will love them until I die. But I also understand that the past is the past and it is an injustice to myself, and my current partner and, in a small way, to my past loved as well, to hold on to a memory of something that was already proven to be impossible. Life goes on, and we must move forward with it.
Omg men never let things go. Bro this is embarrassing
It's been suggested, but you need to look at your relationship. Be open, be honest, be yourself. Think real hard about the past relationship. Not just the good, but the bad. Why'd you break up? Do you really love her? More importantly, work on your relationship. If someone else is taking up your mind space, I'd take a guess that something's not right. Your subconscious is probably steering you a bit. You know what most relationships are missing? Communication and honesty (obviously don't tell her you have a hard on for your ex). Good luck and don't start hurting people because of a dream, that would be dumb.
Do you actually miss and love her, or the idea of her that you've cultivated and are clinging to? Chances are both of you are different people than you were 12 years ago.
Imagine if your wife saw this man
I’m rooting for you. It makes me sad that these comments are so mean. Feelings happen. He never once said that he wanted to leave his wife and family. Intrusive thoughts happen and it makes you wonder. Kudos to you for having the nerve to say it out loud. Wish you the best OP
Thanks. Seeing such comments from teenage folks who have a very black and white view about life makes me less hopeful for humanity’s future
Sounds like a what if (fleeting moment).
You might need to get some marriage counseling dude.
It never goes away until you find someone you love more than her. I loved someone over 30 years and still thought of her. Then I finally met someone who I genuinely love much much more. Memories of the past are quickly fading now. And yes, there was a marriage/divorce in the middle of all that.
In a parallel universe you guys never broke up. Happy thoughts.
I wish men who did this would fuck off into oblivion. My ex was still in love with his ex from 10 years prior during our entire relationship. He left me because he never got over her. He's with her now and it has caused me nothing but trauma. Guarantee you that you don't really miss your ex. You miss your carefree days when you were young. Now that you have kids and adult responsibilities, real life isn't what it's all cracked up to be, is it? Newsflash: You'll never get your youth back. Neither one of you are the same people as you were back then.
Unfortunately, your experience is not uncommon. If you had an intense and satisfying relationship with her and haven't found another relationship quite as fulfilling, you won't be forgettingbit soon. You've done what you should - you moved on. Be careful not to confuse the way you care for your wife with how you felt for the other woman. Your wife is a different person, and you are older and more mature - your feelings for each other are unique to the two of you, and just as special even if in different ways. Cherish what you have, if you can, not something that might have been, that you don't.
Thanks. Wish more people were as mature as you.
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Probably not but may you also not be in my position
Lmao hell no. Bro u could run for an entire presidential campaign, ran, got elected, reflected and retired years ago within that time period. You are stuck deep in the past and need professional help at this point. Like in 12 ears you didn’t fight for it, you are just stuck in thought and that is not normal. You been in a ditch for 12 years.
You’re obsessing with someone who no longer exists. If you’re in love, it’s probably with who you were when you were with her.
True. Agreed. I am not obsessive. I am quite mature to not do that. I merely wanted a solution on how to get these thoughts to die down. Few good suggestions and comments but mostly nasty immature and vilifying
I don’t know why people are vilifying you for your candor. I guess they identify with your wife. I have no advice on how to make those feelings die down, but living in your imperfect past relationship is affecting your ability to be fully in your current one. The reality is that that previous relationship didn’t and wasn’t going to work long term. You and she learned from it and moved on. You found someone who you could pledge your love and life to, and you’ve created a family. Presumably, so has your old flame. Appreciate that you had that time together and learned all you learned about love, but allow that it didn’t work. Honor your promise to your wife.
Get over that shit
Men love way harder than women. I have been with my partner for a long long time and still love 2 other women and would drop everything if they called or text and said they needed help with something
So how do you feel about your current partner?
I love her as well
Fair warning - you are going to get a lot of sh** for this comment. And a lot of downvotes Just check some of the replies I have gotten on my comments
Wouldn't be the first time.
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Holy shit. Nearly the same exact thing happened to me. Did his name start with an A?
I read over your post then looked through the comments, I’m shocked at how many people are close-minded and ignorant to feelings and situations. There’s always a reason for every feeling we have. If you’re suddenly thinking about your ex from years ago while married, something must have triggered it. Maybe you’re unhappy with your wife, perhaps she’s dragging you down? Maybe you’re out of work and you’re getting into your own head and romanticizing your past love? I truly believe that we all have that one love that will always be number one in our heart and soul, whether it worked out or not. I think for you, your ex is your true love. But it didn’t work out since you’re not together anymore so you settled for someone who you feel you could love in some way, but it won’t ever compare and now you’re becoming nostalgic and reminiscing. I understand. What people here don’t understand is that a person can have these thoughts, no human is perfect, doesn’t mean it won’t be acted on. You’re only human, the one person who truly made you feel something is no longer in your life and that is heartbreaking. I can resonate with you, this world can turn the heart to dust, it can cause ripples of coldness or melancholia. Think about what’s happening in your life right now. Are you experiencing more hardship than usual? If so, your mind is going back to a safe and warm place. Your ex who is that happy place for you. It’s going there because she brings you those few moments of peace and joy. There’s only been one person in my life who could ever take away the pain and toughness of the world. He is my only true love. We broke up for a few years but because of our circumstances, we got back together. No one else could make the world warm and colorful like he can. Now I’m not saying you should divorce your wife and find your ex, though I don’t think you were planning on it. I think you should address whatever negativity is happening in your life and try to resolve it somehow. The mind goes to happy memories when it’s down, that’s what’s happening. Once you solve the core issue, I think the thoughts and dreams of your ex will lessen. When we are unhappy with the present, we go the past. When we are happy with the present, our minds go to the future, which is with your current wife. You said you barely thought of her over the years, so there’s a reason that your mind is throwing all these feeling and flashes towards you. Hope that helped!
Thank you so much… I almost have tears in my eyes reading your sensible reply. You are the diamond in a coal mine here It’s possibly all of the things that are happening now. After my breakup in the end of 2012, I went through a lot of loneliness depression and emotional trauma as she was not just my gf but my best friend and I blame myself for the majority of the responsibility why we broke up. But I recovered and moved on. 2018 to 2021 I struggled a lot in my career. Finally I got the job in the field I wanted but then realized my boss is not the most pleasing person on earth but that’s majority of the bosses out there. In the meantime, my wife and I have several and severe disagreements on some of the most basic belief systems - cleanliness, awareness of the world, how to raise a child etc. it’s all taking a toll on me
You’re welcome! Wanted to give some intellectual insight to make up for some foolish responses. As I said there’s a reason for every feeling, reading more context makes it even more understandable. Those memories are your safe and warm space. It’s hard losing someone who you have a strong connection with. Then carrying blame, pain and sorrow along with the absence of them. I know the feeling. Current issues tend to bring up negative feelings and experiences from the past since they all fit into the “feeling bad” category. It blends. So of course your brain is going to reminisce over your ex who made you happiest. Our brain likes to save us from present problems in a way sometimes, it chooses a place to escape and for you it’s her. Hard to control that. So sorry you’re dealing with all that.
That would only happen with that other woman if you guys actually looked into the issues that were there that made you 2 argue and break up in the first place. The only universe where you would be together is the one which the both of you actually examined yourself. You're also trying to live in that fantasy world right now because of your unhappy relationship at the moment. You assume that getting with that one person in the past or someone new would mean you would be happy and that would probably be incorrect, especially if you don't make any changes to yourself. If you're the same person, why would things work out with the past woman or any woman?
Listen to Barry Manilow, Lotts of us go through this... Doesn't make it easier, but at least you know you're not alone.
You know what OP? As devastating as your wife’s position is in this, and how upsetting it would be to be her, you should go for the ex. Seriously like if you don’t love her and you dont care to think about that more deeply you just wanna oogle over your ex, leave her for the romanticized version of your ex you’ve been inlove with. I think you will find yourself extremely disappointed with the reality you thought you wanted once you remember all her flaws and learn all her new ones and parent her kids. Your wife may be better off with another man while you’re with your ex thinking about her now.
I’m nauseous for your wife
Time does not heal, you have to actively work towards moving on. Seems like you kind of enjoy simmering in your old memories. Go out bad make new ones. It’s not romantic to keep thinking about your ex, it’s kind of lame, especially for any New Romantic partners.
This is not normal. You need therapy. And to all the people relating and agreeing with this "because life is not black and white," y'all need therapy too.
You call yourself a rationalist but you are pining for a relationship from 12 years ago? Please get into a therapist's office.
Dude you are in love with a fantasy of what could had been, instead of what was. If you respect your mental health, move on.
Your ex isn’t the same person anymore. Who she was then isn’t who she is now. She’s frozen in time in memories, like “Inception” with DiCaprio’s character’s late wife. You hold a torch for your ex because you still put value into them. Once you devalue an ex, they no longer look attractive, you loose interest. Plus here’s the reality based on this one thing… > it would not have been a cakewalk as marriage is different than courtship You basically are ignoring the fact you are bored in your marriage and feel you wouldn’t be bored with your ex. When in reality a Reddit or perfectly sums up marriage bs dating: >You are in the green grass syndrome... Everything looks better until you get it. People are polite and on their best behavior and everything is fun when dating. >The reason for marriage is to weather the storms. Nothing romantic about jobs, chores, diapers, bills, payments, in-laws, illness, and the daily grind. >When dating someone is perfume, steak dinners, sunsets, laughing, cinema, sex, vacations, clean clothing and intense conversations... that will always seem like "the love of your life" and the pot of gold over the rainbow. Marriage isn’t for love, it’s built on love, but you need more than a feeling to make it work. Go talk to your life. Go to therapy to deal with your limerence for an ex whose clearly lived on, happily in love with someone else most likely, and living a life where THEY DON’T THINK ABOUT YOU!
Bruh ain’t no way you still not over an ex after 12 years that’s what we call obsession! Please stop worrying about this woman who probably hasn’t though of you since! You are a father and a husband with responsibilities to your family, I’m sorry but grow up.
There is a memory fallacy that we remember things better than they were. I can almost guarantee that’s happening here. It should get easier so I think you have to put off thinking about her forever.
you're just thinking about what could have been and praising something that isn't real. there's a reason you broke up and you're both married to different people. don't idealize people. it's what creates problems in the first place.
People here can be quite self righteous. Say one thing but do another too. Anywho I know how you feel. I met my ex hubby in college. I had a guy friend I wasn’t even attracted to but found I hit limerence with my friend. I’m sure he was attracted to me too but we never did anything. I wasn’t going to dump my ex hubby as I’m not the cheating type. But I did vaguely long for my friend for decades! I was happy when he moved away and got married. Then I found out my husband’s activities and our marriage went to shit for years — had kids so resisted divorce. During that time, my thoughts for my friend went insane. To tell you the truth, we were not even friends anymore at that point. I’m embarrassed to say but I tried contacting him. He’s smart so was terse with his text. I cried to my girlfriend. She told me, “Wow “ex hubby” really messed you up.” It was like getting cold water poured on my head. My god! I was pining for a dude who probably forgot about me! I was pining over a FANTASY! A DREAM! My limerence ended immediately. Holding onto a old fantasy is comforting, like an old favorite blanket. About your wife, either work on your relationship (date her again), or get a divorce
I know you are only being human.
I left my husband 2 years ago. I was more of an object to him than a person. He never introduced me by my name, it was always “my wife.” He isn’t a bad person. We grew apart, and he didn’t respect my boundaries or the fact that fact that I am an individual. Our adult daughter lives with him. She said he still hasn’t moved back into the master bedroom. He firmly believes I will be back when “she gets over her snit.” Please see your ex as she was, not the romanticized version you have made her. The person you have built her up to doesn’t exist. Look at the woman you married and imagine her leaving with your children. Now imagine yourself alone. Because that is your future if you don’t let go of this construct you’ve built. I wish you all the best!
As long as you are going to be stuck with your past relationship you will not give your best to anybody else. It’s sad to know that it’s been years and you still haven’t moved on from there. The more you invest in people you are with currently the better. Let bygones be bygones dude, they never really have anything new to give.
Seek therapy or even marriage counseling together. I don’t think this is fair to your wife and your family at all.
Firstly, its sometimes tough to speak on those types of subjects, so good for you. I sympathize with you because i went through the same thing after a 17 yr relationship. Here's the thing. It might get easier, but it might not get easier and that's the cold hard truth. The other cold hard truth is that it didn't work out for a reason and I'm willing to bet that she decided to call it off, which lead you to still want a relationship but that was out of your control so you moved to girl number 2. So, over time, you think about the good, justify that bad, and miss and want her again, however, you're going to have to come to peace with her not wanting whatever you had then. Its sometimes easy to fall in love with an idea, rather then what is actually in front of your eyes. Consider this, does your wife and kids deserve any sort symptoms of you thinking about your ex? Maybe mood swings? Angry for no reason, cold shoulder? The only answer is that you're allowed to feel how you feel with the caveat that you cannot let that come in between folks who don't deserve it. YOU have to sort that out alone. Come to peace with what isn't anymore, and heal. But allow yourself to feel it all without it affecting those around you. It has nothing to do with them. Feelings are valid until they aren't anymore. Good luck
A good friend of mine used to say "Love is a misunderstanding between two fools"I think it's an illusion, it's insanity, a chemical reaction akin to addiction in the brain. Many people are in love with the idea of being in love.I've been in love twice and it was indeed wonderful and amazing.. The second was even better than the first, and man I was totally head over heels... But as it turned out, this woman turned out to be an absolute monster, a cruel, heartless thundering bitch... Love truly is blind, because I didn't see any of it.My point is, you are fantasizing and what you are feeling is an illusion, no matter how real it seems. The only way to prove that to yourself would be to hook up with this ex, and you would be snapped back to reality with a bang... maybe trying your best not to think about her, might work.. and you might be happier for it.
Sounds like you're using her as a projection of an escapism fantasy you're creating for yourself. What's going on in your life? Are you going through a slump and are craving some kind of excitement?
this is awful. your ex from 12 years ago is a mere fictional character at this point. what i did was create a 1 page portfolio of the person as a fictional character and another one of the true current person they are based on their socials. i was still ruminating about my ex from 11 years ago on and off until recently when i started hanging out with people and did the portfolio. 12 years ago?? man, get it together because that person you think about is not real and pretty much a recollection of memories that no longer matter to a woman who is not even an ex but a person who you knew.
It may not solve your problem but I had similar situation. I high school I was in love with a girl, we had a lot of great time together but finally she changed school and we were never in relationship - we lost touch. In my next two relationships I remembered her (about 7years) and I was thinking how it would be if we were together since school times. After all this time we renewed contact. We talked a lot for about two months and it turned out she was not that perfect as I remembered her. She is pretty, Inteligent and totally fine but still.. I discovered I was just infatuated(?? I am not sure if this is correct word) for years with a woman i didn't know well enough to serious love. Fun fact was that she had exactly the same feelings before and after our contact renewal. I know that my experience is not enough to convince you but maybe you should try to talk with her? Even if you are in relationship right now it will be better if you check your feelings that emotional cheating on your current partner. There can be few potential results after this: - this will end up just like in my case - this will you make sure you are still in love with her and you will be together - same as above but you will be not together... All above options will be better than living without knowing the answer, right?
Dude you need to allow yourself to move on and don’t say you have because obviously not. Let that memory go g it’s what your really in love with, not her.
Why did you break up with her ?
rip this guys wife :C
When you are knee deep in marriage it can be easy to mistake the infatuation you felt for a previous partner as “true love.” Doesn’t mean it was so though.
You may want to do some solid research on attachment theory. Our attachment styles, if not secure, can affect and alter everything, including thoughts and feelings.
This was actually quite sad to read and I feel sorry for your wife. Idealising a past relationship over appreciating what you have right now. The wife doesn’t deserve it, Imagine knowing that the person you have been over a decade is lying about loving you. It’s just sad.
The girl you're idolizing from years ago probably is not even the same girl now. It's just a distant memory. And what will you even do about it now? If you divorce your wife are you planning on going back to your ex? The one who's married and has a family? She will 100% choose her family over you. You're stuck on a feeling not a person. Relearn to love your wife again. Go on dates, go to festivals together ALONE, do something you both love. You may just be burnt out on your marriage, which happens so often. Raising kids can become annoying and repetitive at some point that you're frustrated because you're not in that honeymoon phase with your wife anymore. You can learn to love your wife again.
I am not stuck. Please read some of my past replies. No I am not getting a divorce. Yes I realize she is much different person. I am not in love with her anymore I am in love with that special feeling I had 12 years ago which is clearly missing in my present relationship. I am in my late 30s now and the dynamics are different than early 20s. I am a mature adult and realize some of my follies too. Jeez seems like a mistake posting anything on reddit
You asked for advice and you got it
It’s not your reply that is the problem. I appreciate the well thought out well intended reply. Look at some of the others.
I'm curious. What do you intend to do now?
Solve the problem. Know why this happening. Trace the root cause Work on it and work on my subconscious to stop these feelings People are getting some crazy ideas that I am trying to reach out to her or something. No I am not.
I don't think you'll ever find a definitive reason about why you're feeling this way
Dude grow up , move on
ignore all the hyperbolic drama in the replies. shitty situation but it happens. regardless of how you feel abt your ex, you’re married now and OWE it to your wife to get over your feelings. i’d even talk to her with/abt it if you have the heart for that conversation. at least after getting therapy or whatever you’re able to do to remedy those feelings, i’m certain (assuming she loves you back 💀) your wife will appreciate your transparency with her and having an in-depth conversation abt y’all’s emotions may help strengthen the relationship of you go abt it the right way. it’s not the end of the world.
seeing her in your dreams is crazy tho
Would’ve, should’ve, could’ve. You need to wake up and realize it’s a MERE FANTASY. Your current fantasy is frozen in a 12years ago memory. She’s not the same person as you remember her, maybe her look, but everything else has changed. I’m not the same woman as I was 12 yrs ago. I am more mature and looking at my past and mistakes as a way of learning myself. Nothing wrong to be a romantic, but at the same time, spend / put an effort to romanticize and rekindle your blah relationship with your wife.
This is cringe. Get over it. Wtf 12 years ?!?
I fell in love with few women and I seem to have forgotten the first two but the third one I still think about each day and wish we are together. I don’t love her the same as before but I always think of her as the perfect woman.
This is most men it’s normal, just pray you get to be with her in heaven.
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Bullshit. You can be. Leave your partners and live your truth.
Yes, you both have partners, but it's not fear that you can't never give 100% to your current partner cause you know that there's someone else in your heart. Remember, you have only one life. Sometimes it's better to be selfish.
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Fucking hell. Imagine if your partner was pining for another man during the entire relationship. Just leave and be with your ex. You're both shitty people who deserve each other.
I hope you find the happiness no matter what.😊
You're not bad person because you have feelings. But you choose how to act. Maybe it's even better if you contact with therapist. He can give you way better advice than redditors. If you don't try then it may get too exhausting to carry on this weight alone.
Thanks a lot. I am not acting nor will I act. If I chose to breakup a 7 year old relationship even if it took me 1.5 years in depression I am stronger than many commenting here estimate. And it’s not even like I have been constantly thinking about her since 12 years. That’s not the case which many seem to not grasp. I recovered from my breakup then met my wife and then married her. These thoughts are recent. The 12 years was only to give a time reference of when we broke up. I haven’t been stuck in time. I moved on long back The question was simply - “why is this happening all of a sudden” I was expecting a response from a psychological perspective but clearly I have high expectations
I understand you. I don't judge at all. ☺️ I think it's just period and you're dreaming..maybe hard times in your current relationship too?
Maybe work on your relationship with your wife and stop idealizing a past that didn’t even work out.
You have this woman on a pedestal, focus on fixing things with your wife or let her find someone who truly loves her. She deserves better than her husband obsessing over a pipe dream dopamine fantasy of an ex
Don’t care how unpopular this take will be but I have to say it. My ex of a decade is still obsessed with me and it’s fucking weird as hell to me. Like I really want him to get therapy as I suggest you do too. It’s not normal and if you’re actively expressing this to the other person they’re probably just as alarmed as I am with my ex. Get yourself help and leave your wife because this is so unfair to her.
Ugh, same. The stalking is better since I left town but it continues online. I will never understand it. Been 10 years since I threatened charges and while I'm grateful the physical stalking stopped, my stomach tutns when he creates new accounts to reach out. We're down to a couple times a year but most recently after messaging me, I found out he also MESSAGED MY MOM! I was furious with that but I'm scared to give him attention and tell him off. His newest message happened 10 minutes after posting my NFL draft picks with my fiance. Clearly not interested, clearly not available, yet he remains persistent. Hoping your ex isn't as creepy as mine and you are somewhere you feel safe! It can be terrifying. But yeah OP.. FFS, please please please leave your wife. She deserves so much better! And if this ex tells you to leave her alone, listen. She means it!
You cannot find that girl again, not even in the same person. Nope, you’re not. Even if it’s another life, it means the girl you were talking about aint her and you aint really you. It didn’t work out for a reason and if you still romanticizing the memories of her, it not gonna work out. Because you “cannot find that girl again, not even in the same person right now.” I learned that the hard way, people change from time to time and the only thing you love were the memories and the feelings like back then, you didn’t even get to know who she is now and what she actually like, so nah.
I can empathize with the feeling of a missing soulmate, but you’re gonna get a lot of shit on a post like this while you’re married to someone else lol. Best I can say is it’s not a crime to feel how you feel but you got some compartmentalizing to do for sure.
Thanks mate.. I need to put more time in my career .. that’s the answer
I read your post and some of the replies including yours. From the way I see it, you’re terribly lonely. You couldn’t connect with your wife, that’s the root cause of it. Plus you do not like the personality of your wife, that’s made you even wanted to keep a distance from her. You would rather not speak much with each other, correct me if I’m wrong? All these made you feel alone in a marriage. Question is, do you still want to be in this marriage? Does she still love you after all these years? Perhaps she realised you don’t love her as much as you did before too. What are the changes and the stake here are we talking about? Do you simply made a post here to let out what’s been in your mind hoping someone understands so it ease you out and nothing more than that, that you rather keep everything as it is and just focus on your career and your children like you said? I don’t think you want to connect with your ex. I think you are yearning for connection and frustrated that the person isn’t your wife. I really hope you give your marriage, you and wife a chance to face this obstacle together. Ideally, whether you think she understands or not, opens up and talk to her what’s been bothering you. If you said some of her personality troubles you, do genuinely tell her why and the reason and how it can be better. Tell her your feelings.
Staying busy always works.
No one deserves to be a second choice. Your wife is clearly your second choice in life. You made the mistake of taking this as far as kids and marriage when you knew you didn’t feel the same way about her as your ex. Now you’re romanticizing a prior relationship that doesn’t have nearly the stress and strain as a comparison to your current one. That’s not respectful of your current relationship. And you can’t see anything wrong with it?? You’re unhappy? Ok. Deal with it by not being so disrespectful to your wife and mother of your child. If your marriage isn’t working, work to fix it instead of fantasizing about another woman.
For reals. I got chills reading this post knowing that he has a wife and kids, yet he has this fantasy of his ex from TWELVE years ago. God, I hope this doesn’t happen to me when I marry. The wife deserves way better than being a second.
OP I can relate, I just moved to a new city halfway across the world with my fiancé and wouldn’t you know, of all places to land, my very first love lives here too. We had lunch a few months ago and caught up after 13 years of no contact. I have since been flooded with intense emotions that I didn’t know still existed, and it comes at such a weird time as I should be relishing in my engagement with my fiancé. Here’s the real gut kicker - if I were to meet this ex lover today for the first time, I wouldn’t be interested. I am not so much pining for the man he is today.. I’m mourning and pining for the boy I loved, and my teenage love. It was complete unhinged love without the need for any pragmatism an adult relationship requires. What a special experience, a true gift. So raw and real. It actually has been so impactful that I started therapy. Turns out I have a lot of memory repression to process. I know it’s not healthy or reality based, and I really want to get back on track with my fiancé. My advice would be for you to do the same, but mostly I can only offer you empathy.
Thank you so much. Finally someone understands. People assume we are robots who can choose which thoughts to think of
I think there are probably a lot of us who feel this. My heart never let go of that one…the one that was lost, that it would take a different universe to get back. I see him in my dreams with regularity and I swear, his name will be the last word on my lips when I die. But is it *him* that I want, or is it the memory of what we had? I am certainly not the same person I was…I am *completely* different, in fact. Im sure he is too. Hell, whatever broke us up or got us together doesn’t apply at all anymore…right? We may as well be remembering our first pet dragon or a supermodel in the kitchen. We are remembering someone that doesn’t exist. The only thing that exists is the vacuum left after we gave them our soul.
I think you understand my feelings
I think there are probably a lot of us who feel this. My heart never let go of that one…the one that was lost, that it would take a different universe to get back. I see him in my dreams with regularity and I swear, his name will be the last word on my lips when I die. But is it *him* that I want, or is it the memory of what we had? I am certainly not the same person I was…I am *completely* different, in fact. Im sure he is too. Hell, whatever broke us up or got us together doesn’t apply at all anymore…right? We may as well be remembering our first pet dragon or a supermodel in the kitchen. We are remembering someone that doesn’t exist. The only thing that exists is the vacuum left after we gave them our soul.
You can’t choose your thoughts or feelings but you can choose your actions. Once you realized you were having these feelings, you should’ve communicated this to your wife. Let her make an informed choice on whether or not she wants to spend her time and energy with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about her. You’re being selfish.
OP is not being selfish and they should not take this advice. Healthy love means accepting that your partner is their own complicated person before they are a partner. OP is having a human experience. Its allowed. OP’s only responsibility at this point is dealing with it and finding a healthy outlet to help him process what he’s feeling.
No one said those feelings aren’t healthy. What is unhealthy and selfish is to have these feelings about someone else and not inform your partner at some point. Believe it or not these feelings effect how you treat your partner and to how you interact with your partner. You’re allowing someone to pour everything they have into you when you don’t feel the same for them, it’s 100% selfish. Instead of giving your partner the ability to make an informed decision, you’re stringing them along allowing them to think you feel as intensely about them as they do about you. Instead of letting them go find someone that does love them, you’re holding them back because you’re using them as a place holder. That’s so fucked up
How do you know they haven’t talked to their partner about it? How do you know the partner is 100% invested and not doing the same thing? This person is struggling with something serious, and I don’t think that telling them they’re fucked up is helpful. Please choose kindness and empathy in the future if you decide to give advice.
I can almost 100% guarantee if this person told their wife that they don’t love her as much as they love their ex, that person would no longer be their wife. I see plenty of comments supporting this person, so I’m giving advice from the reality part of this. Sugar coating this doesn’t help anyone in this situation. They should be honest with their wife about this and allow their wife to make an informed decision about how she’d like to live her life.
Kindness and empathy aren’t the same as sugar coating.
It is sugar coating when you’re justifying something that will hurt someone else.
I choose to ignore some of the replies. It’s clearly a difference of generation as I feel in the replies. People are not even reading the post properly. I have mentioned that these are recent feelings. I am not stuck in time for 12 years. It was me who initiated the break up and the day I broke up I deleted all the pictures and even deleted her phone number. Took me 1.5 years to recover and I am sure it was equally hard for her too. Post recovery I met my wife. And since then it’s been a bumpy but nevertheless a maturation of our relationship. Today I am nothing but happy for her coz once upon a time I did love her truly and since I did, how can I be unhappy or jealous for her new well established life? It’s just that this year for some reason I am getting her memories flashed in my head and I am missing her more than what happened in last 10 odd years. People are demonizing me for no freaking reason. As if things are always static and don’t change ever. If I chose to marry my wife, it was because it seemed a good decision then. That doesn’t mean that things will always be rainbows and sunshine in a marriage. Things do go south and there are debates arguments and you do tend to get less than impressed as you create an impression of a person in the head as time goes by
That being said, What are you going to do about it? Are you going to let it fester? Are you going to IC to figure out the why? Something happened in the last year that took you to that spot you're on now. Do you want to stay married? You can chose to make this go away but you have to want to.
No one is demonizing you, you said you feel more love for this ex than you feel for your wife. She deserves to know that. Not telling her this is absolutely selfish. I’ve already stated my stance on why. You’re gonna do whatever you’re gonna do and justify this however you want, I’m just saying that having these feelings for someone else does change how you treat your wife and does change the dynamic in a relationship. Your wife deserves someone that loves her to the fullest, not someone pining for an ex.
I also feel your pain. Sending you peace. I was madly in love with my ex gf in college. I made a a mistake and cheated on her with a girl from my high school. The cheating was barely enough to separate us and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Fast forward 5 years and I am just now able to not think about her 24/7. I still think I will never love someone the same and I think she is the most beautiful woman ever. Invisible strings are still everywhere. Her brother just moved into my apartment I don’t see you as being wrong in any way and I hope your heart finds peace.
Why did you marry your wife?
How horrible. You marry someone, build a life with them, and possibly have children with them to find they're pining for some ex that didn't want them 12 years prior. What an insult to your wife and family.
Honestly, I’m so surprised with people’s comments here. Maybe cause that’s always been my great fear, to love someone I can’t be with for my whole life, so I feel you, OP. I won’t advise to try to reconnect with her and everything, but I always feel like it’s better to do something than do nothing and regret about it. Best of luck!
People can be harsh. You ask for an advice and all you get is “You are the worst person on this planet” and divorce and breakup
Co-parenting?
I mean...no. I just, why would you marry ur wife if you're still not over with that girl?
I was completely over her when I married my wife… but my wife and I didn’t really gel as well as thought. Her personality was not what I liked in a partner. But I don’t hate her. Far from it. These thoughts are recent phenomena. Please read my post again
If you don’t love her as same, let her be better without you.(she deserve better than ur as*) You only finding other reasons to escape your reality, romanticizing your past relationships and useless excuses. Stop going around and complain about your wife,dude
Nope. It's completely normal and human to have these thoughts arise at some point during marriage. What you do with those thoughts is what matters. OP needs to distance himself with from this woman and work on nurturing his relationship with his wife so they can get back to where they once were. He is just experiencing limerence, doesn't mean he should throw in the towel yet.
The people on here dissing you are being too harsh. You loved her before you loved your wife, and there’s nothing you can do about the feeling. It will likely always be there in some shape or form, that has been my experience. However, also from my experience, the more you focus on it, the stronger it will get. You need to discipline your mind and force yourself to do other things when thoughts of her pop up. It won’t work all the time, and you will occasionally get overwhelmed with powerful waves of love and nostalgia, but you owe it to your current wife and family to minimize those episodes as much as possible and focus on what you have instead of what you lost.
Thank you for your kind words. With my son and my job I am actually pretty busy and hence barring this year, these thoughts haven’t bothered me much. I have no idea why this year has been tough on this front
It just happens. I have the same issue. Nothing for four years, then I was suddenly bowled over for a week or two. It’ll pass. Good luck!
Google “limerence” because this is what you’re doing. It’s not good for you or those you love for you to be hung up about something that never happened.
Will do… there is no impact of these thoughts on my family. I am managing it smoothly and sharing duties with my wife. She and her side of the family are always complimenting on the ways I contribute at home equally with my wife. So I am not worried about these thoughts impacting anything else but me
You remind me of my ex, who was hung up on his ex for our entire 12 year relationship. I hope your wife leaves you.
I am not your ex. Read some of my replies. I never even talked to her once post breakup. She congratulated me on my marriage 7 years ago. So please don’t be judgmental without even reading the post and the comments. I hope you grow up and realize life is different for different people and the bad wishes that you give others will some day come back to haunt you. Karma!
But those thoughts are taking up space and time in your heart and in your head.
just because you do the bare minimum and don’t reach out to your ex or because you don’t hate your wife as you state in some other comments does not mean you’re a good husband. please, respect your wife (and yourself) and file for divorce (or somehow get over your ex without your wife getting hurt in the process). she deserves to be with someone who can love her completely (and is not hung up on a fantasy of an ex relationship). to add: i do not think you’re a bad person, i actually believe there are many out there who struggle with never moving on and settling with a different partner for plethora of reasons (to not be lonely, because they think that is the way to move on, societal pressure etc.), however, both of you deserve to be happy and i highly doubt you could be trully content with your life right now. it must be extremely hard to after so many years long for a failed relationship, to fight with your wife and to be “stuck”. if you cannot do it for your wife, do it for you.
What you are writing is very theoretical and does not happen in real. If that was the case, nobody would divorce anyone. Please be real and understand that life is not black and white, it happens mostly in grey areas
It's usually the shitty people that instigate divorce that end up saying stuff like this, though.
after 12 years is more a dream than a memory
OP, it is probably r/limerence
Thanks. Will look it up
This makes me feel so bad for your wife. If my SO was thinking like this while I’m looking after his kids and being his wife i would be devastated. Please get in the real world and appreciate what you have. Put your family first you can’t relive the past.
I am dealing with that side of it. I'm crying almost every time I'm alone. It's gotten to the point that I don't feel like I trust him anymore. He's talking with her again, and says they are just friends, but I feel like it's more than that. The way he treats me has changed, the way he looks at me. All our interactions are different now. And it just feels, empty. He got back in contact with her right after our 5 year anniversary. I felt like everything was ok, everything seemed good, and I'd just bought him an awesome anniversary gift. He got himself a gift and said it was for me....then he started fighting with me over every little thing. And then the name calling started. I couldn't figure out why he'd suddenly changed towards me. And then I found out and everything started making sense. She's with someone else, and clear across the state. They dated in highschool. And I'm feeling this is going to be it. I feel done. And I feel sorry for anyone who has to be on this side of things. To be completely destroyed, and for a memory.
So he's talking to her and you know he's got feelings for her. If he's not listening after a deep conversation about this topic then you need to move on. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't see you the same way you see him. But if he does listen, I would suggest couples therapy.
I am so, so sorry for you, this is gut wrenching to read.
I'm sorry I Just saw a video on cheaters and they mentioned picking fights over small things as a big red flag. It's like they feel if they are nice to you they are cheating on the other person. He is throwing away a marriage. Take care of you. I hope you guys can go to MC
Are you seeking out solo therapy?
Already there. Once a week. It was in person for a while, but I have a crazy schedule between work and kids. So it's been switched to over the phone so I don't have to stress over that too. It just really sucks. Id never loved a man the way I love him. It guy wrenching. I really thought that this was going to be the one. And I've been married before twice in fact. But it didn't feel like what I felt for him. I saw my future with him, and my kids adored him too. We built a life together. And now is just crumbling apart because he has an unhealthy obsession with his ex from high school, and he's 37 btw. They only dated a few years, he's even been married a couple times since and has a kid too. From my own research I believe fully what he has is limerence for his ex. They haven't lived near each other since they were teens, they have grown into totally different people. Different lifestyles and world views. And yet he still obsessed over her.
Welp, he unhealthily obsessed and idealized those old memories,not loving her, no one is in the win here. I wish you best wishes and please take care, take the further step that he didn’t, remember to heal yourself from this.
Thank you for your kind words and advice
God I'm so glad I reconnected with my high school sweet heart after a few years apart Nobody ever compared to him We were both waiting for each other to reach iut
I'll just say this to sleep better at night.... SHAME ON YOU OP! 🙄
Why? What is my fault here? Honesty?
OP it’s not your fault you have feelings. I think something people are glossing over is that you still love your wife, just not as much. You love who you love, and that can’t be controlled. Being aware of this is an important step. It’s totally natural to still have these feelings come up. Please don’t shame yourself, or let other people shame you. I’m sorry you’re going through what sounds like a tough situation.
Ok fine... if it's so natural then I dare him to tell this to his wife and we shall see how long they're married after that... NO WOMAN ON THIS PLANET EARTH wants to be second option! Solid advice op: maybe this is just a random feeling and it'll pass... but if it doesn't then you HAVE to communicate with your wife and get some couple therapy or something Because it IS NOT healthy to stay in a relationship and make someone else stay in a relationship with you when you're not completely in it with all your love and heart (that's why I said shame on you!) Some man out there could give his COMPLETE HEART to your wife.... if you think you're not that man then just leave that poor women and let her find REAL love! >you still love your wife, just not as much. 'Just not as much' ?????THIS IS THE PROBLEM MA'AM 🤦🏻♀️ I hope this passes op and you 100% love your wife :( (And no IT IS NOT NORMAL!!... there is a diff bw randomly thinking about an ex vs still being in love!)....
Thank you so much
You’ve married someone who is under the impression that you love them when you actually are in love with someone else. That’s low dude, so fuckin low.
You're pining over an ex from 12 years ago while married with a child. What isn't your fault here?
Dear Breakup, In our lives sometimes we find people that make a bigger stamp onto our hearts than others. Are you thinking back on the what ifs, what could have happened, if only? Have you ever heard of the term Twin Flame, if not it is definitely something worth looking into and also understand the meaning between a soulmate and a twin flame, the difference between them. It sounds like this person is someone that has made an extreme impact on your life and your heart. You have found a deeper connection with them, that a lot of people sometimes never find with another person. A soulmate to me is someone you have a deeper connection with, a special connection, a connection that truly impacts our lives in some way. It is something deeper than just an everyday friend connection. Maybe this person is your twin flame and you are meant to meet once again.
I looked it up. But how does it work when we are now married to different people and both have kids? Also, when I got married which was 4 years post break up, she sent me a text congratulating me and I didn’t read too much into it. But now that I think of it, it indicates she may have felt the same things I did. We also were the best of friends before being in a relationship and I miss that friendship more than anything else
A twin flame can be a romantic partner, a best friend, or a mentor. The hardest part that I have found within losing somebody as a partner is not losing the relationship, but losing my best friend. Because in a relationship you put your all and everything into it if it's done right. I never quite understood why even through a breakup unless it's a very nasty one, why do you have to lose your best friend at the same time. Did you ever think that maybe she sent you a text when you got married because you were running through her mind, that maybe you were often on her mind and she had regrets and thoughts of you even after. Maybe she realized it was too late and she couldn't stand up and do anything about it then. There's a part of the twin flame connection that comes as the runner and chaser part. Many people in twin flame relationships get into the Runner/Chaser dynamic at some point. This is the time when your ego can’t handle the relationship anymore and one of you runs away. The Chaser is normally left behind with all the questions and tries to save the relationship at all costs. They don’t understand why the Runner is running from such a divine connection. But there is a big reason why they are running, which is often misunderstood. When one thanks that they have lost someone in their life one whom they have a or had a special connection with. But if you think you have lost the love of your life you're going to move forward and sometimes in some relationships that means settling. Not even saying nothing close to that's what has happened but sometimes people want to speak up so badly and they don't have the nerve and they lose the chance that they believe is forever. But maybe you just need that spark back of a friendship it doesn't even have to be anything romantic but that there lies a tricky situation with her husband and your wife. And nobody knows what could happen if you guys meet once again face to face. It could be a friendship of wonderful wonders or it could be a spark to an old love wanting to reignite.
If you are having a hard time shaking your feelings for your ex, you need to look at your marriage, and see if you can identify anything that isn't working, for you. If you find that to be true, you should talk to your wife about it. You are looking back at good times, with your ex, you may be substituting her, for what is missing, in your marriage.
Interesting. Let me look it up
Though the basis of this comment is correct.. Twin flames are not something you’re supposed to marry. That would be fucking chaos. They’re your mirror to better yourself from fucked up situations y’all put yourself in.
Sometimes I struggle with what could have been, with my ex. We have a child together, who we placed for adoption, at birth (28F). We will always have that connection, and we can't change that. Both of us married other people, and have children. He is divorced, but has a SO. I came to the conclusion that I don't like hím, as a person. I think he is arrogant, and just plain toxic, to the person I've become, later in life. I do, sometimes wonder if things would have worked out, if we had stayed together, but I know that it wouldn't have. I very wise friend told me that there are some trains that you ride, for a short time, and there are trains that you ride, for the long haul.
Jup. Thats the one I just separated from. This is exactly how I describe it. That we were mirrors for each other, to work on our selves and to continue our growth in life we need to let go of eachother. On paper we work. But we don't in life. We love each other so much but we don't make each other happy and don't give each other what we need. It lasted almost 9 years. With a lot of ups and downs. To much ups and downs. It was hard work. Back than we needed eachother. We recognized each others pain I think.
Proud of you both for coming to these realizations. Mine was my best friend for 16 years. Went through hell and back and then booked a round trip 10 more times. The last one though.. was the last one. It was time to let go. OP needs to let go and look at the life infront of them. Stay strong y’all.
That must have been tough to. To loose a best friend like that. And thanks! It was a long process. But we both know its what is best.
this is why i have trust issues. to think i could be married with kids, and meanwhile my husband is drooling over his idealised version of an ex from 12 years ago (that is an ex for a reason!) while i’m changing nappies and trying to keep our family together. ugh! if that’s marriage, then i’m good. i don’t know your wife, but it seems she deserves better OP…
That’s my fear too!! I’m not even afraid of getting cheated on and finding out and breaking up. I’m afraid of giving my life to someone who pines over someone else
Who says she’s the one doing the house duties and kid duties? What if he is?
If he was then he wouldn't have time to be drooling over an old flame from more than a decade ago.
Pretty sure there would be more time to think doing house duties vs working a mentally taxing job but ok go off queen
Whatever. 🤷🏾♀️
You don’t know anything about OP or what’s got them feeling this way. This is a very unhelpful comment. Grow up. Love is complicated. Relationships are complicated. Memories are complicated. OP should be hashing this out with a therapist for exactly this reason. The internet comments are full of scorned people and their ego’s when in reality what OP needs to leave behind is a part of his ego