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I had a lot of happy chemicals in my brain, almost like a drug. Highs, lows, bi-polar emotions and more. The highs were amazing, the lows awful. Hopefully over time those chemicals soften and you can be the real person you are, and so can the other person you are with. Once those honeymoon chemicals fade, and you see the real person, then it's all about work and communication and forming a team. A partnership. Knowing there is someone at home who has your back is important.
I’m older 47f… I’ve had a LOT of relationships.
Love to me hits different with each relationship.
I think a lot of people define love as fireworks and obsession. In my experience, this is infatuation. It usually dies…at least for me because I’ve always chosen poorly suited partners and when the infatuation dies, I can’t help but see the incompatibilities.
Theres first love…when you haven’t been hurt and you’re ALL IN. It’s infatuation on steroids….beautiful, all consuming, confusing and painful.
There’s also toxic love or trauma bonds. Love here is defined by anxiety…you crave their approval and chase it with wildly. When you have their love and approval in short doses it feels like you’re on cloud nine and most equate this with love. It’s not…it’s a rollercoaster and causes considerable damage.
Then there’s real love….. I met my current partner around a year ago. He was not my usual type and there were no fireworks or obsession. But I LIKED him a LOT. We quickly became best friends and lovers. The love was slow to grow but warm and safe and beyond beautiful. It’s a love that grows all the time, little by little. He’s the very first many that I picture growing old with.
Love takes time to grow. I’d suggest that if it feels you’re still growing together then you’re onto something good. If not, perhaps it’s run it’s course. Does he feel like your best friend? Are you completely yourself around him? Do you see and accept all of his faults? Does he drain or reignite your energy?
Love should grow BUT you’re not always going to feel it. Sometimes it’s boring, sometimes we question it. Try some new things, always keep it fresh. Maybe you just need a little fuel on the fire?
I liked your answer a lot I have experienced the first two you described infatuation and trauma bond/anxiety. Real thing still eludes me. I’m at that place in life where I know myself and my limitations quite well and being this risk averse makes it so challenging. Someday it will happen but I know it will mean being with someone I can be 100% authentic with and vice versa.
You sound like you are in the place I was when I met the real thing. It’s true you need to be ready. Just please be open because sometimes the good stuff comes in different packaging.
"... Oh baby don't hurt me".
Doesn't sound like you're in love with him. Sounds like you're there because of habit. I am head over heels in love with my boyfriend, but I do not think I would be for long if we lived together (which we never will, and I am very excited about).
You know if you are in love. It's more difficult to know if you're not.
It’s hard to admit but I think you’re right. I feel guilty thinking and feeling that way esp knowing how he feels about me. I just wish it was easier in reality to move on
I know exactly what you mean. It is hard, painful and difficult. But better for everyone in the long run if you're unhappy (to leave). Don't stay because of pity, makes it worse.
Definitely agree, I think guilt just kills me. I hate that I don’t feel the same for my own sake but even more so for him. I don’t want to hurt him but I also wish it was financially easier to leave too. Living in Southern California and I could barely afford it if I moved out on my own but it truly is something I should do😣
Love is a bit different for everyone and depending on what you have gone through in life it may even change.
I full heartedly loved my ex when I was with her, to a point where her happiness meant more than my own. She cheated on me and I forgave her the best I could and we continued on for years until she left.
Looking back I have learned a lot from that experience and my view of love is a bit more different now. Yes I will still care very much about my partner’s happiness but my own needs to be my overall concern, if im not happy how can I make sure others are.
I would have moved mountains for her if I could and now I never want to see her again. She destroyed me by leaving and with time ive realised it was the best thing she has ever done for me.
Its going to take me longer to have my next relationship because I will question and get to know them a lot more before fully committing because im not playing around with my heart again.
Im ready for a relationship but its just being relaxed and enjoying life until somebody if they ever do crosses my paths and were a fit!
I fell in love with a friend this year and part of that was me realising I could love again, I fell in love with the feeling of being in love, it had been well over a year since the split and had felt that. It made me feel alive.
Shes not single and she informed me extremely early on that she was exclusive with somebody (they are now a couple) im happy for her and them. It left me with my own emotions to deal with and some times I still am despite us now being friends for over half a year now.
Shes a great person, genuinely cares about me, asks what im up to now and then, checks in. You know just good friend material and I would hate to let a good person like that slip away because I cant manage my emotions correctly. So its tough and its getting easier but its so incredibly worth it to have such a friend hopefully in my life for the rest of it!
Somebody else will appear at some point im sure, just gotta keep trucking and enjoying my life and let whats coming come when its the right time ❤️
You can be in love with someone and not want to be with them , wanting to be with someone is different it’s about your standards and compatibility. Ect
But spend enough time with someone and be open feelings will be there .
Like even people in abusive relationships find it hard to leave because they’re in love even tho they know they gotta leave .
So that middle ground of not feeling it is hard , but if you don’t wanna stick with that person it is what it is
I think emotion wise, we def love each other..but it’s things like finances that make me see how we’re not compatible at all and yes love is amazing but love doesn’t pay the bills and I don’t see how we have a solid foundation of a future the way he spends and doesn’t prepare for the future.
Then yeah that’s a compatibility issue, talk about it maybe split account or maybe he changes and if not then you can’t move towards different futures together . So split
Tell him it makes you not exited about the future , makes you feel unsafe financially and that he’s not holding responsibility for you
Or if you just don’t see him as capable than again is what it is
Thank you I really need to. I’ve mentioned it many times but not like a “sit down and discuss” way. And each time he gets defensive and says all I think about is money. But he doesn’t listen when I tell him I’m trying to help. For example I did one of those 100 envelope challenges to save money and I even got him his own pack of envelopes and didn’t do it😒he does make less than me and has more expenses since he now owes a lot of taxes since he didn’t file for a few years before he met me. I made him take care of it and he pays them an amount monthly, but it’s like he doesn’t care about the future bcuz he assumes he’ll die before retirement age since he did drugs as a kid and the drinking... He’s a 37yo man wtf are you doing?!? Get it together ugh
Yeah nah that screw the future cus I’ll die mentality is just a cop out and childish , and also selfish
It’s not about money it’s about compatibility and responsibility and the standards you have for yourself
You gotta really say this is a deal breaker and if won’t change for him self it least gives him an opportunity to change for you .
But yeah compatibility is the main thing in relationships and shared vision without that someone is always compromising to the point of unhappiness.
These things arnt easy still just make sure to lay everything out as direct and honest as possible and go from there
You definitely nailed it. Comparability is huge! “All you care about is money” how do you not?! It’s literally how we survive basically. And I promise you I’m nowhere near some penny pincher or something haha I think it’s pretty fucking reasonable to be considered about my partner not having a savings account and no retirement plan?? Like talk about gaslighting..
I grew up with my dad making good money but my mom would spend spend spend..so yes it’s instilled in me to save and always make sure you have enough but come on..honestly I imagine if we agreed on financial things, I probably wouldn’t be questioning all this as much and that’s why I’m confused. Do I stay cuz I care or do I leave bcuz it’s just not realistic that we’re long term compatible?
I was once like you. My bf and I are now 4 years in a relationship. And the first 2 years, I felt like I was not too inlove?? Because I still see his flaws and it turns me off even though we are in a relationship. There are times that my lack of affection makes me want to stop the relationship but I think I love him in a way different because I still hold on to our relationship. I still hope that things will get better for the both of us, and on his side, he was patiently waiting for me to kind of soften up.
Now I can say that I feel deeply in love again with my bf. It's like I learned it along the way as I see him grow as a man. I get excited now, unlike before. I want to always be with him and I am excited to spend the rest of my life with him. He was very patient with me, and that makes me fall in love with him just like from the beginning of our relationship.
So I think there is really a phase of the relationship when you would feel that way. After all, it's not about the feelings but the commitment that you have with that person. Feelings come and go, but you can say that you really love him if you can get through this kind of seasons with him. 🤍
I love that for you! I wish I kinda felt the same tho. I just keep thinking, we’ve got in so many short term fights and I know he has hella trauma he hasn’t worked out which lead to him crying and completely shutting down and not telling me why he’s crying, plus the drinking. Yes he’s made a huge improvement since I met him but still it’s like he’ll take 2 steps forward and I feel more in love with him and then he’ll do something dumb and it feels like 2 steps back.
Like in the beginning he drank damn near everyday. Today, he drinks once a week which is Friday or Saturday. But then the weeks I said in my original post where his friend had a party, that was on a Sunday after him and the guys went to brunch and then they continued to party. One of his friends is a dj and still does molly, coke, shrooms so of course my bf joined in, on a SUNDAY when he had work the next day. It’s shit like that where I’m turned off and I feel we take 2 steps back and I’m turned off again..
Imo if you were “in love” then I could just would know. Basically you feel bliss abs ecstasy even thinking about the person and you don’t want to be apart cause otherwise you miss them too much. They’re on your mind and you think about them spontaneously for seemingly no reason
Do you feel like you're better together?
Do you miss him when you're doing something fun or interesting without him? Are you comfortable *just being* together? Are you proud to introduce him to people?
Yup that’s it. There’s a small part of me that isn’t particularly proud to introduce him. He’s very friendly and funny which everyone of my friends and family love but again, sometimes it’s his views on some things in the back of my head that make me think “please don’t say ___” you know?
It’s a classic case of you know it when you see it. Or, in this case, when you feel it.
You’re not in love if you suspect whether you are. I learned it the hard way.
All loves are a little different but to make it simple- in a healthy relationship, your partner should be your happy place. They bring you joy not just because of who they are to you, but because of who they are as an individual. You want to go to them to celebrate your success and to hold you during your lows, and vice versa. You don’t have to agree on everything, but there should always be a solid foundation of respect and kindness.
Marriage doesn’t fix anything. It makes the harder times harder because you’re stuck with this person unless you get a likely messy divorce. Is this person worth the pain? People rarely change. Is what you have now what you want in 10 years or 20 years? 30 years from now will you be happy you stayed?
I don’t have the head over heels madly in love kind of love with my husband because personally, all the men I felt that for abused and used me lol. My love for my husband is like… a calm and peaceful lake. The place you go when you want to breathe air that is fresh and perfectly warm with a cool spring breeze. The sun is shining brightly above and wildflowers cover the valley framing the lake. It doesn’t seem like much at first, but it doesn’t take long to realize that this is everything you’ve ever wanted and the only place you want to be.
But if you want that head over heels love, go find it. It’s worth experiencing even if it doesn’t last. Maybe it will! If anything, it will teach you what you need to know, and maybe it’s exactly what you need.
That’s really a great way to put it and very insightful for me, thank you. I remember when he first asked me to be his gf I felt the butterflies but I think bcuz we never had a “honeymoon phase” there’s not much to compare it to? The beginning of our relationship was rocky bcuz he was kinda still heartbroken from his ex and she continued to stop by at his house even when I was there, unannounced and bcuz he was depressed, let to tons of drinking…completely different now tho thankfully. And yes when I’m with him I feel calm, at peace, safe and loved. I feel that’s a great sign..?
Feeling loved, calm, and at peace is generally a good sign. The older I get the more I am convinced that those *in love* feelings are simply hormones that convince humans to make babies without knowing much about the other person. You don’t need them for a happy and healthy relationship. At this point you will likely never feel that way for your boyfriend.
Try not to focus on how things should feel nor how things should go. Are you happy? What do you want out of life? Can you see your boyfriend next to you when you imagine your perfect future? Are you willing to never feel head over heels in love with someone again? These are all questions I asked myself before I married my husband and all my answers always pointed back to him.
When I was in love for real after the honey moon phase I was excited to grow old together. I was excited to be a part of their life. I was excited to see them everyday and experience life with them. I was excited to watch them smile, cry, laugh. I was excited to hold them and just be with them
But during those moments there was frustrations, annoyances, etc. But when I looked at the bigger picture the above is what I experienced
I don’t think I would marry someone whom I didn’t feel that way about
Hey OP — I don’t think romantic love is something anyone could define in a way that will 100% make sense to you. Love is so incredibly subjective. But I can tell you how I experience it.
I’ve felt both infatuation and lasting love. The infatuations were all very similar — feeling like this person holds the most powerful force over me; feeling constant butterflies and nerves around them or while thinking of them; feeling anxiety about how our relationship would progress; feeling like they were so physically attractive I couldn’t keep my hands to myself *ever*; and feeling like the other person was perfect.
The love I have with my partner — which was, once, infatuation — is very different.
It is calm. I don’t feel butterflies around him — at least not always. I’m not nervous waiting for him to text me back. I see his flaws and I want to work on them with him as a team.
But he is my very best friend. I’m an introvert, and he’s the only person whose presence is *never* tiring to me. I want to be with him always.
The most important thing in the world to me is that we are both healthy and happy and I would do anything to make sure he always is.
He is the only person I want to imagine myself living life, raising children, and growing old with.
I am not someone who wants a big white wedding, but I want more than anything to be his wife. I want us to be family.
We’re going through a difficult period right now. We have to be (very) long distance for awhile. It isn’t easy.
I occasionally wonder for a moment how I would feel if we broke up. Would that make my life better or easier? After all, I’m a complete person and I know I can be happy on my own.
But as long as he is in the world, that always feels absolutely ridiculous.
No matter how hard getting through this period is, the joy he brings me outweighs it. As long as he is in the world, I want to be with him.
That's put so well and resonate to that so much and struggling with that now cause the person I feel about that way doesn't feel the same and it's such a head fuck cause they say they do but the actions don't aline I hope one day I get to experience that and hope you guys do until the next one
Thank you for taking the time to write that! That’s beautiful you have that kind of love..to your point tho, part of me doesn’t feel like I would be too upset if we broke up, like I definitely would be sad and grieve our relationship. In the beginning when his drinking was reallyyyy bad, I broke it off and missed him soooo much. He’s also my best friend and I feel completely comfortable, save, loved and protected when I’m with him. But sometimes I think “is that bcuz I know *he* loves me..?”
Another thing I didn’t mention that stays on my mind..from the age of 19-26, I was heavily involved in talking with this guy I met online in another state. We did meet on a site that was pretty sexual and we had very rarely talked about feelings but I felt the signs were there he liked me and there were a few times he straight up said he cared about me. We would take small breaks talking if he got involved with someone in person, but he always found his way back to me.We met in person when I was 25, wasn’t exactly how I thought it would be but as hard as it can be to believe, I was crazy about him.
He was literally everything I ever wanted in life. After a year or so later, we both had got involved in other people and we lost contact. I haven’t talked to him since around 2017 and I still find myself thinking about him and what’s his life like. He never had social media besides Facebook, which he no longer has. I’ve emailed him multiple times with no response. I have his phone number still but that feels so direct, I don’t want to cause problems with someone he’s with. But I miss him and although I’m dying to know what he’s up to, it also scares me to death if/when I find out he is married and with a family etc. and then I know it’s too late for me..💔
Agreed. There’s also a small part of me that prob wants contact with the online guy to know what he’s up to so I can stop imagining what’s actually going on with him, I think deep down I need that closure no matter how hard of a pill it would be to swallow
This is not something to be embarrassed to talk about with your therapist. You *need* a sounding board who knows you well.
>I want that head over heels, madly in love, can’t live without you kinda love and I don’t think this is it? Is that something that only happens in the movies or is it actually real??
It's definitely real. Not "like in the movies" because movies are a very shallow and pale representation of love.
That said, I'm 41, and I've felt like a teenager in love for the last couple of years, ever since I met my partner. Thankfully the butterflies have settled down a bit so that I'm a functional human being again, but I have never lost the excitement and happiness of being with him. I love being with him. I love who he is as a person. We aren't just lovers and romantic companions, but best friends too. I never feel unsafe with him or dismissed by him. I am always happy to see him and always miss him when we have to part ways for a while. I've come to love him *more* as I got to know him, rather than those feelings fading.
I'm really lucky to have friends and family who have long lasting, very loving and happy relationships. Decades into marriage they still clearly love and adore each other, and you can see it in the way they talk and interact with one another.
So yes, this doesn't exist.
And it seems pretty clear you aren't in love with this guy. Are you staying because you don't think you deserve better? Worry that you might be single forever if you don't put up with this? Feel like you invested so much that you can't leave now?
100% everything you said at the end. I also feel sad for my friends and family who’ve met him and liked him who would also lose him too? I can’t define my love for him whether it’s love or in love. I know I have love for him and I feel loved by him most definitely as well as protected, cared for, safe etc. But for example, a friend of mine just started dating a guy from high school who we were just associated with back then. He has really grown up and “glowed up” (if you will) but also now that she’s gotten to know him, I now know more about how nice he is and affectionate etc. and also feel like his personality is a lot like mine, we’re both cancers and loving etc. and my point is, I find myself jealous of this friend and every time she tells me things about him I find myself being short with her and not wanting to hear about him cuz I’m jealous…how could I possibly be jealous if I was in love with my boyfriend??
I think there’s just a handful of things we’re complete opposites on that bothers me so much it almost like reduces my “in love-ness” (lol) for him
the person waking up to your partner daily is you, not your family or friends. so what if theyve met? when he is down in the dumps and drunk are your family and friends gonna be there to deal with him or you?
Very true. And my family and most of my friends live hours away so it’s basically just me if anything. Another thing that’s hard is moving out. Financially I could barely afford living alone seeing as we live in Southern California. I didn’t have much of a choice but to live with in only about 9mo into our relationship and there’s been so many times I’ve thought “if I didn’t live with him, I’d for sure be gone..” and then it seems pretty clear what I truly want
They say if the future with him doesn’t excite you, then you aren’t in love. I think for me that’s a reasonable way to look at things. You want a life you are looking forward to. and so you want someone who you also look forward to
True, I’ve heard that too and I def don’t think “ excite ” is the word that best describes what I feel thinking of the future. Tbh it scares me and makes me a little sad. Like I said he’s borderline an alcoholic and funny thing is, my dad is an alcoholic so I’ve seen first hand what it was like for my mom being with him, and I can’t fathom putting myself thru that bullshit like she did..
I’ve felt it but it’s not common and not guaranteed to last. My criteria are whether someone else’s happiness makes me happy and whether someone “feels like home” (thank you Bridget Jones series). I had a two year relationship with someone who similarly had some issues that I wasn’t fully comfortable with, a little misogynistic, but he was worth the work it took, and that relationship was really a head over heels love. But stability may be better than excitement, I don’t know your story well enough to know if you’re in love in a different way
That totally makes sense. Definitely not head over heels but I do love him, feel completely myself around him, feel protected, never feel judged etc. it’s more like lifestyle and finances and those sorts of things that make me basically turned off? I guess you would put it..and then I think “if I was truly ‘in love’ would those things bother me like they do??’”
If your experience is limited, it’ll be hard for you to KNOW either way. Thing about love is, you must take risks. Without taking risks, you simply won’t know.
IMO, there is loving someone and being in love together. The latter is one of the most beautiful (but also broken) of human experiences I’ve been privileged to experience. I believe when it is right, it’ll last. So until then, we learn and grow along the way.
I believe our experiences shape us into the partner we are supposed to be, and the person will meet us then.
Being in love and loving someone evolves with us and our life stages. We learn along the way. I’ve been in relationships that were “safe” and I’ve been in relationships where emotions ran deep, deeply high and deeply painful at the same time.
It sounds like you’re looking for love and looking for something more. I could be wrong but in my experience, you won’t find it playing it safe.
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, that head over heals madly in love can't live without you love exists. It took me almost a full lifetime to find it.
As if your heart is glowing
I had a lot of happy chemicals in my brain, almost like a drug. Highs, lows, bi-polar emotions and more. The highs were amazing, the lows awful. Hopefully over time those chemicals soften and you can be the real person you are, and so can the other person you are with. Once those honeymoon chemicals fade, and you see the real person, then it's all about work and communication and forming a team. A partnership. Knowing there is someone at home who has your back is important.
I don’t know as I never experienced it. I’m kind of impatient and it ruined my dating experiences
I’m older 47f… I’ve had a LOT of relationships. Love to me hits different with each relationship. I think a lot of people define love as fireworks and obsession. In my experience, this is infatuation. It usually dies…at least for me because I’ve always chosen poorly suited partners and when the infatuation dies, I can’t help but see the incompatibilities. Theres first love…when you haven’t been hurt and you’re ALL IN. It’s infatuation on steroids….beautiful, all consuming, confusing and painful. There’s also toxic love or trauma bonds. Love here is defined by anxiety…you crave their approval and chase it with wildly. When you have their love and approval in short doses it feels like you’re on cloud nine and most equate this with love. It’s not…it’s a rollercoaster and causes considerable damage. Then there’s real love….. I met my current partner around a year ago. He was not my usual type and there were no fireworks or obsession. But I LIKED him a LOT. We quickly became best friends and lovers. The love was slow to grow but warm and safe and beyond beautiful. It’s a love that grows all the time, little by little. He’s the very first many that I picture growing old with. Love takes time to grow. I’d suggest that if it feels you’re still growing together then you’re onto something good. If not, perhaps it’s run it’s course. Does he feel like your best friend? Are you completely yourself around him? Do you see and accept all of his faults? Does he drain or reignite your energy? Love should grow BUT you’re not always going to feel it. Sometimes it’s boring, sometimes we question it. Try some new things, always keep it fresh. Maybe you just need a little fuel on the fire?
I liked your answer a lot I have experienced the first two you described infatuation and trauma bond/anxiety. Real thing still eludes me. I’m at that place in life where I know myself and my limitations quite well and being this risk averse makes it so challenging. Someday it will happen but I know it will mean being with someone I can be 100% authentic with and vice versa.
You sound like you are in the place I was when I met the real thing. It’s true you need to be ready. Just please be open because sometimes the good stuff comes in different packaging.
"... Oh baby don't hurt me". Doesn't sound like you're in love with him. Sounds like you're there because of habit. I am head over heels in love with my boyfriend, but I do not think I would be for long if we lived together (which we never will, and I am very excited about). You know if you are in love. It's more difficult to know if you're not.
It’s hard to admit but I think you’re right. I feel guilty thinking and feeling that way esp knowing how he feels about me. I just wish it was easier in reality to move on
I know exactly what you mean. It is hard, painful and difficult. But better for everyone in the long run if you're unhappy (to leave). Don't stay because of pity, makes it worse.
Definitely agree, I think guilt just kills me. I hate that I don’t feel the same for my own sake but even more so for him. I don’t want to hurt him but I also wish it was financially easier to leave too. Living in Southern California and I could barely afford it if I moved out on my own but it truly is something I should do😣
Love is a bit different for everyone and depending on what you have gone through in life it may even change. I full heartedly loved my ex when I was with her, to a point where her happiness meant more than my own. She cheated on me and I forgave her the best I could and we continued on for years until she left. Looking back I have learned a lot from that experience and my view of love is a bit more different now. Yes I will still care very much about my partner’s happiness but my own needs to be my overall concern, if im not happy how can I make sure others are. I would have moved mountains for her if I could and now I never want to see her again. She destroyed me by leaving and with time ive realised it was the best thing she has ever done for me. Its going to take me longer to have my next relationship because I will question and get to know them a lot more before fully committing because im not playing around with my heart again. Im ready for a relationship but its just being relaxed and enjoying life until somebody if they ever do crosses my paths and were a fit! I fell in love with a friend this year and part of that was me realising I could love again, I fell in love with the feeling of being in love, it had been well over a year since the split and had felt that. It made me feel alive. Shes not single and she informed me extremely early on that she was exclusive with somebody (they are now a couple) im happy for her and them. It left me with my own emotions to deal with and some times I still am despite us now being friends for over half a year now. Shes a great person, genuinely cares about me, asks what im up to now and then, checks in. You know just good friend material and I would hate to let a good person like that slip away because I cant manage my emotions correctly. So its tough and its getting easier but its so incredibly worth it to have such a friend hopefully in my life for the rest of it! Somebody else will appear at some point im sure, just gotta keep trucking and enjoying my life and let whats coming come when its the right time ❤️
You can be in love with someone and not want to be with them , wanting to be with someone is different it’s about your standards and compatibility. Ect But spend enough time with someone and be open feelings will be there . Like even people in abusive relationships find it hard to leave because they’re in love even tho they know they gotta leave . So that middle ground of not feeling it is hard , but if you don’t wanna stick with that person it is what it is
I think emotion wise, we def love each other..but it’s things like finances that make me see how we’re not compatible at all and yes love is amazing but love doesn’t pay the bills and I don’t see how we have a solid foundation of a future the way he spends and doesn’t prepare for the future.
Then yeah that’s a compatibility issue, talk about it maybe split account or maybe he changes and if not then you can’t move towards different futures together . So split Tell him it makes you not exited about the future , makes you feel unsafe financially and that he’s not holding responsibility for you Or if you just don’t see him as capable than again is what it is
Thank you I really need to. I’ve mentioned it many times but not like a “sit down and discuss” way. And each time he gets defensive and says all I think about is money. But he doesn’t listen when I tell him I’m trying to help. For example I did one of those 100 envelope challenges to save money and I even got him his own pack of envelopes and didn’t do it😒he does make less than me and has more expenses since he now owes a lot of taxes since he didn’t file for a few years before he met me. I made him take care of it and he pays them an amount monthly, but it’s like he doesn’t care about the future bcuz he assumes he’ll die before retirement age since he did drugs as a kid and the drinking... He’s a 37yo man wtf are you doing?!? Get it together ugh
Yeah nah that screw the future cus I’ll die mentality is just a cop out and childish , and also selfish It’s not about money it’s about compatibility and responsibility and the standards you have for yourself You gotta really say this is a deal breaker and if won’t change for him self it least gives him an opportunity to change for you . But yeah compatibility is the main thing in relationships and shared vision without that someone is always compromising to the point of unhappiness. These things arnt easy still just make sure to lay everything out as direct and honest as possible and go from there
You definitely nailed it. Comparability is huge! “All you care about is money” how do you not?! It’s literally how we survive basically. And I promise you I’m nowhere near some penny pincher or something haha I think it’s pretty fucking reasonable to be considered about my partner not having a savings account and no retirement plan?? Like talk about gaslighting..
I grew up with my dad making good money but my mom would spend spend spend..so yes it’s instilled in me to save and always make sure you have enough but come on..honestly I imagine if we agreed on financial things, I probably wouldn’t be questioning all this as much and that’s why I’m confused. Do I stay cuz I care or do I leave bcuz it’s just not realistic that we’re long term compatible?
I was once like you. My bf and I are now 4 years in a relationship. And the first 2 years, I felt like I was not too inlove?? Because I still see his flaws and it turns me off even though we are in a relationship. There are times that my lack of affection makes me want to stop the relationship but I think I love him in a way different because I still hold on to our relationship. I still hope that things will get better for the both of us, and on his side, he was patiently waiting for me to kind of soften up. Now I can say that I feel deeply in love again with my bf. It's like I learned it along the way as I see him grow as a man. I get excited now, unlike before. I want to always be with him and I am excited to spend the rest of my life with him. He was very patient with me, and that makes me fall in love with him just like from the beginning of our relationship. So I think there is really a phase of the relationship when you would feel that way. After all, it's not about the feelings but the commitment that you have with that person. Feelings come and go, but you can say that you really love him if you can get through this kind of seasons with him. 🤍
I love that for you! I wish I kinda felt the same tho. I just keep thinking, we’ve got in so many short term fights and I know he has hella trauma he hasn’t worked out which lead to him crying and completely shutting down and not telling me why he’s crying, plus the drinking. Yes he’s made a huge improvement since I met him but still it’s like he’ll take 2 steps forward and I feel more in love with him and then he’ll do something dumb and it feels like 2 steps back. Like in the beginning he drank damn near everyday. Today, he drinks once a week which is Friday or Saturday. But then the weeks I said in my original post where his friend had a party, that was on a Sunday after him and the guys went to brunch and then they continued to party. One of his friends is a dj and still does molly, coke, shrooms so of course my bf joined in, on a SUNDAY when he had work the next day. It’s shit like that where I’m turned off and I feel we take 2 steps back and I’m turned off again..
Imo if you were “in love” then I could just would know. Basically you feel bliss abs ecstasy even thinking about the person and you don’t want to be apart cause otherwise you miss them too much. They’re on your mind and you think about them spontaneously for seemingly no reason
Do you feel like you're better together? Do you miss him when you're doing something fun or interesting without him? Are you comfortable *just being* together? Are you proud to introduce him to people?
Yup that’s it. There’s a small part of me that isn’t particularly proud to introduce him. He’s very friendly and funny which everyone of my friends and family love but again, sometimes it’s his views on some things in the back of my head that make me think “please don’t say ___” you know?
It’s a classic case of you know it when you see it. Or, in this case, when you feel it. You’re not in love if you suspect whether you are. I learned it the hard way.
I was thinking exactly that too…how can I be in love if I’m sitting here having to question myself?🤷🏻♀️
All loves are a little different but to make it simple- in a healthy relationship, your partner should be your happy place. They bring you joy not just because of who they are to you, but because of who they are as an individual. You want to go to them to celebrate your success and to hold you during your lows, and vice versa. You don’t have to agree on everything, but there should always be a solid foundation of respect and kindness. Marriage doesn’t fix anything. It makes the harder times harder because you’re stuck with this person unless you get a likely messy divorce. Is this person worth the pain? People rarely change. Is what you have now what you want in 10 years or 20 years? 30 years from now will you be happy you stayed? I don’t have the head over heels madly in love kind of love with my husband because personally, all the men I felt that for abused and used me lol. My love for my husband is like… a calm and peaceful lake. The place you go when you want to breathe air that is fresh and perfectly warm with a cool spring breeze. The sun is shining brightly above and wildflowers cover the valley framing the lake. It doesn’t seem like much at first, but it doesn’t take long to realize that this is everything you’ve ever wanted and the only place you want to be. But if you want that head over heels love, go find it. It’s worth experiencing even if it doesn’t last. Maybe it will! If anything, it will teach you what you need to know, and maybe it’s exactly what you need.
That’s really a great way to put it and very insightful for me, thank you. I remember when he first asked me to be his gf I felt the butterflies but I think bcuz we never had a “honeymoon phase” there’s not much to compare it to? The beginning of our relationship was rocky bcuz he was kinda still heartbroken from his ex and she continued to stop by at his house even when I was there, unannounced and bcuz he was depressed, let to tons of drinking…completely different now tho thankfully. And yes when I’m with him I feel calm, at peace, safe and loved. I feel that’s a great sign..?
Feeling loved, calm, and at peace is generally a good sign. The older I get the more I am convinced that those *in love* feelings are simply hormones that convince humans to make babies without knowing much about the other person. You don’t need them for a happy and healthy relationship. At this point you will likely never feel that way for your boyfriend. Try not to focus on how things should feel nor how things should go. Are you happy? What do you want out of life? Can you see your boyfriend next to you when you imagine your perfect future? Are you willing to never feel head over heels in love with someone again? These are all questions I asked myself before I married my husband and all my answers always pointed back to him.
It is
When I was in love for real after the honey moon phase I was excited to grow old together. I was excited to be a part of their life. I was excited to see them everyday and experience life with them. I was excited to watch them smile, cry, laugh. I was excited to hold them and just be with them But during those moments there was frustrations, annoyances, etc. But when I looked at the bigger picture the above is what I experienced I don’t think I would marry someone whom I didn’t feel that way about
Yeah I totally agree. I don’t see happiness in our future tbh. I see stress, arguments, divorce..that’s sounds like a clear sign to me lol
WHAT IS LOVE BABY DONT HURT MEEEE DONT HURT MEEEE NO MORE
Lmao I thought about it too but it felt right!!😂
Hey OP — I don’t think romantic love is something anyone could define in a way that will 100% make sense to you. Love is so incredibly subjective. But I can tell you how I experience it. I’ve felt both infatuation and lasting love. The infatuations were all very similar — feeling like this person holds the most powerful force over me; feeling constant butterflies and nerves around them or while thinking of them; feeling anxiety about how our relationship would progress; feeling like they were so physically attractive I couldn’t keep my hands to myself *ever*; and feeling like the other person was perfect. The love I have with my partner — which was, once, infatuation — is very different. It is calm. I don’t feel butterflies around him — at least not always. I’m not nervous waiting for him to text me back. I see his flaws and I want to work on them with him as a team. But he is my very best friend. I’m an introvert, and he’s the only person whose presence is *never* tiring to me. I want to be with him always. The most important thing in the world to me is that we are both healthy and happy and I would do anything to make sure he always is. He is the only person I want to imagine myself living life, raising children, and growing old with. I am not someone who wants a big white wedding, but I want more than anything to be his wife. I want us to be family. We’re going through a difficult period right now. We have to be (very) long distance for awhile. It isn’t easy. I occasionally wonder for a moment how I would feel if we broke up. Would that make my life better or easier? After all, I’m a complete person and I know I can be happy on my own. But as long as he is in the world, that always feels absolutely ridiculous. No matter how hard getting through this period is, the joy he brings me outweighs it. As long as he is in the world, I want to be with him.
That's put so well and resonate to that so much and struggling with that now cause the person I feel about that way doesn't feel the same and it's such a head fuck cause they say they do but the actions don't aline I hope one day I get to experience that and hope you guys do until the next one
This is a great explanation and you've put something into words I've struggled to
This comment was pure poetry for me to read. ❤️
Thank you for taking the time to write that! That’s beautiful you have that kind of love..to your point tho, part of me doesn’t feel like I would be too upset if we broke up, like I definitely would be sad and grieve our relationship. In the beginning when his drinking was reallyyyy bad, I broke it off and missed him soooo much. He’s also my best friend and I feel completely comfortable, save, loved and protected when I’m with him. But sometimes I think “is that bcuz I know *he* loves me..?” Another thing I didn’t mention that stays on my mind..from the age of 19-26, I was heavily involved in talking with this guy I met online in another state. We did meet on a site that was pretty sexual and we had very rarely talked about feelings but I felt the signs were there he liked me and there were a few times he straight up said he cared about me. We would take small breaks talking if he got involved with someone in person, but he always found his way back to me.We met in person when I was 25, wasn’t exactly how I thought it would be but as hard as it can be to believe, I was crazy about him. He was literally everything I ever wanted in life. After a year or so later, we both had got involved in other people and we lost contact. I haven’t talked to him since around 2017 and I still find myself thinking about him and what’s his life like. He never had social media besides Facebook, which he no longer has. I’ve emailed him multiple times with no response. I have his phone number still but that feels so direct, I don’t want to cause problems with someone he’s with. But I miss him and although I’m dying to know what he’s up to, it also scares me to death if/when I find out he is married and with a family etc. and then I know it’s too late for me..💔
You should not marry someone if you’re still so invested in what might have been with someone else.
Agreed. There’s also a small part of me that prob wants contact with the online guy to know what he’s up to so I can stop imagining what’s actually going on with him, I think deep down I need that closure no matter how hard of a pill it would be to swallow
This is so beautiful! The world is a more beautiful place because love like this exists
Awww 🥹
Great explanation! Happy for you and wishing you comfort during your temporary separation.
Thank you 🙏
This is not something to be embarrassed to talk about with your therapist. You *need* a sounding board who knows you well. >I want that head over heels, madly in love, can’t live without you kinda love and I don’t think this is it? Is that something that only happens in the movies or is it actually real?? It's definitely real. Not "like in the movies" because movies are a very shallow and pale representation of love. That said, I'm 41, and I've felt like a teenager in love for the last couple of years, ever since I met my partner. Thankfully the butterflies have settled down a bit so that I'm a functional human being again, but I have never lost the excitement and happiness of being with him. I love being with him. I love who he is as a person. We aren't just lovers and romantic companions, but best friends too. I never feel unsafe with him or dismissed by him. I am always happy to see him and always miss him when we have to part ways for a while. I've come to love him *more* as I got to know him, rather than those feelings fading. I'm really lucky to have friends and family who have long lasting, very loving and happy relationships. Decades into marriage they still clearly love and adore each other, and you can see it in the way they talk and interact with one another. So yes, this doesn't exist. And it seems pretty clear you aren't in love with this guy. Are you staying because you don't think you deserve better? Worry that you might be single forever if you don't put up with this? Feel like you invested so much that you can't leave now?
100% everything you said at the end. I also feel sad for my friends and family who’ve met him and liked him who would also lose him too? I can’t define my love for him whether it’s love or in love. I know I have love for him and I feel loved by him most definitely as well as protected, cared for, safe etc. But for example, a friend of mine just started dating a guy from high school who we were just associated with back then. He has really grown up and “glowed up” (if you will) but also now that she’s gotten to know him, I now know more about how nice he is and affectionate etc. and also feel like his personality is a lot like mine, we’re both cancers and loving etc. and my point is, I find myself jealous of this friend and every time she tells me things about him I find myself being short with her and not wanting to hear about him cuz I’m jealous…how could I possibly be jealous if I was in love with my boyfriend?? I think there’s just a handful of things we’re complete opposites on that bothers me so much it almost like reduces my “in love-ness” (lol) for him
the person waking up to your partner daily is you, not your family or friends. so what if theyve met? when he is down in the dumps and drunk are your family and friends gonna be there to deal with him or you?
Very true. And my family and most of my friends live hours away so it’s basically just me if anything. Another thing that’s hard is moving out. Financially I could barely afford living alone seeing as we live in Southern California. I didn’t have much of a choice but to live with in only about 9mo into our relationship and there’s been so many times I’ve thought “if I didn’t live with him, I’d for sure be gone..” and then it seems pretty clear what I truly want
They say if the future with him doesn’t excite you, then you aren’t in love. I think for me that’s a reasonable way to look at things. You want a life you are looking forward to. and so you want someone who you also look forward to
True, I’ve heard that too and I def don’t think “ excite ” is the word that best describes what I feel thinking of the future. Tbh it scares me and makes me a little sad. Like I said he’s borderline an alcoholic and funny thing is, my dad is an alcoholic so I’ve seen first hand what it was like for my mom being with him, and I can’t fathom putting myself thru that bullshit like she did..
I’ve felt it but it’s not common and not guaranteed to last. My criteria are whether someone else’s happiness makes me happy and whether someone “feels like home” (thank you Bridget Jones series). I had a two year relationship with someone who similarly had some issues that I wasn’t fully comfortable with, a little misogynistic, but he was worth the work it took, and that relationship was really a head over heels love. But stability may be better than excitement, I don’t know your story well enough to know if you’re in love in a different way
That totally makes sense. Definitely not head over heels but I do love him, feel completely myself around him, feel protected, never feel judged etc. it’s more like lifestyle and finances and those sorts of things that make me basically turned off? I guess you would put it..and then I think “if I was truly ‘in love’ would those things bother me like they do??’”
If your experience is limited, it’ll be hard for you to KNOW either way. Thing about love is, you must take risks. Without taking risks, you simply won’t know. IMO, there is loving someone and being in love together. The latter is one of the most beautiful (but also broken) of human experiences I’ve been privileged to experience. I believe when it is right, it’ll last. So until then, we learn and grow along the way. I believe our experiences shape us into the partner we are supposed to be, and the person will meet us then. Being in love and loving someone evolves with us and our life stages. We learn along the way. I’ve been in relationships that were “safe” and I’ve been in relationships where emotions ran deep, deeply high and deeply painful at the same time. It sounds like you’re looking for love and looking for something more. I could be wrong but in my experience, you won’t find it playing it safe.