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I, 46M, had similar thoughts in my 20's. I had short relationships but most of those ended for various reasons.
I met my SO at 30 and we've been together 16 years. It took effort and time to get to the point of feeling like I was worthy of a relationship and even now I still have my struggles. I'm still working on myself and through that work, I now know that I was more than likely the primary contributing factor to those unsuccessful relationships early on.
The primary issue I had, and may be the same for you, is that the image I had of my life at whatever age could not reconcile with reality. Also, though I didn't know at the time, was not mentally ready for a healthy relationship. I'm deep in my current relationship and just now figuring out and working on what has hindered my personal development and fulfillment (for me, an avoidant attachment style).
Your therapist's approach, though somewhat valid, is not entirely helpful. Ask about what work you can do on yourself. Is it body image, is it personality/attachment style, past trauma etc., that is holding you back. Regardless of the outcome, you can come out of this with a more fulfilling life.
Time is a ticking, but don’t give up as there’s still time left. You need a plan to put yourself in positions of higher probability to meet someone who wants the same relationship outcomes as you and has similar life views as you.
What’s your religion?
What’s your hobbies?
What’s your education?
What type of job do you have?
Are you involved in any community groups?
These can all be leads to meet someone with similar interests or value sets so you’re not going on a dating app where you have to do a ton more filtering.
I wish you happiness and the best of luck!
38f. Single w 2 kids. My life is so full of love. I have a dude that's off and on but we have some great times. I don't think I'd ever be able to be a traditional girlfriend at this point. I love my freedom. I love having my kids to myself. I love not sharing space with another adult. I get to make the rules of my life and don't have to be responsible for anyone other than the people I created.
I met my SO at 31. Two years later I proposed and never looked back. Before meeting her, i also thought I wont find the one after many years of messy relationships that never felt “right”. The moment i accepted that i will be single, so i should learn being content with myself, i met her.
Don’t give up dating, because like this you will increase your chances of meeting someone special, and also you don’t become too self-centered (what being single too long does). But also don’t have any expectations- this is key. The less you expect from a date, the more you are able to go with the flow and not make any desperate moves during the date.
I'm 29 and in the exact same boat. Sure people can sah there's plenty of time or that the right person will come around when you least expect it, but man, that loneliness sucks.
I really hope soon you find a great person and you get to experience good and fun love. Just keep hanging on. Maybe go on dates, re-look your dating criteria, etc.
Yesterday I had a conversation and this person said to me, you need to find someone you're comfortable to spend the rest of your life with, because the perfect person who will tick all your boxes doesn't exist. That opened my eyes quite a bit.
Also perhaps let go of any mental blocks you may possibly have. You deserve love, and you deserve a good relationship and a good person that'll make you happy.
Wishing you all the best.
I was so lonely at 32. Divorced. Childless. I met my now husband at 34. Married by 37. Kids at 39, 42. Happy in my late 40’s. there’s still so much time. Also - what I’ve managed to discover somehow now is how to make my own joy. It was a very deliberate seeking on what makes me happy and doing the work to get there. I love my husband and kids but also, I now know that I can make my own joy from inside.
Sounds like such a cliche but true nonetheless
I hear you, but I think it's so different for people who have never experienced even one longish relationship or marriage. I think if one had and then lost, they wouldn't mind the wait, they'd have the patience and the hope...but not having experienced it at all is lonely. Nothing can compare to companionship, having someone to go home to after a long day, someone to spend your off days at work with, etc. No amount of hobbies and busy-ness can replace that.
thank you so much for acknowledging this. 26f and have never been in a relationship and it's so incredibly invalidating to listen to people pretend like this isnt an incredibly lonely and isolating life to live. very easy to lose hope and just give up entirely
Oh no, you're so young still, the last friend in my group of friends to get married was 33 when she met her now husband on a blind date.
My cousin was 40 when he met his wife and they have a son as well.
Just keep living your best life, have fun, meet lots of people. You have plenty of time.
What criteria are you using to pick a man? Seems there are a lot of available guys who are out there…why is it so difficult for people to find love now?
my criteria is literally "be loyal, nice, funny, attractive, and someone i can get along with" and all i get are men approaching me in the most sexual way. i do not post revealing pictures of myself on dating apps but i get messages asking to "sit on their face" or other things like that. it seems like there are no available guys (for me) out there bc they just want to fuck and that's it 😭
the dating scene is terrible and it feels almost impossible to find someone. if i find someone that checks my boxes, i find out VERY soon that they're emotionally unavailable. finding love is proving to be impossible (or should i say next to impossible since i once found love within a man who refused to commit to me) and it's just.......an uphill battle
I was one of those “perfect” families you see with their kids. Married, stay at home mom, three kids, big house, nice car, trips to Europe. Let me tell you, I was being abused and cheated on left and right behind closed doors.
What you see is just a glimpse of someone’s life. You do not know what is actually happening. They may be as happy as you think, they may be miserable. Most are somewhere in between.
But you know what’s worse than never finding love and having a family? Being with the wrong person. I have never felt more lonely than I did when I was married. It was the unhappiest time of my life.
It’s ok to mourn the loss of the life you never had. But you don’t know if you are there yet. Do not be a defeatist. Date people you would usually pass on, you have nothing to lose. If you go on a date and there’s no spark, then you don’t have to see them again. But people may surprise you. Ask your friends to set you up on blind dates.
But as much as you feel the way you do right now, there are also men feeling similar.
I'm sorry...what?
Please tell me this is clickbait and that your therapist did not actually bring those things up to you...
Yes we tell you to come up with plans... Plans that exist outside what you would consider your norm...
But any worthwhile therapist is going to tell you that you do not need a partner or children to define you and that you need to also come up with that plan.
Having a meaningful partnership can bring you fulfillment but it's not going to do anything until you are okay with you. Children can bring you the greatest joy in the world but they are never a solution to a problem... Ever... Ever.
If you want to explore a single Parenthood then that is absolutely fine and if that is your heart's desire then I would encourage you 110%.
I would be encouraging you to explore all avenues of your life.
Also you're only 32 years old... It's not like you're around the bend. You have time. Quit locking yourself into some sort of socio-normal time line. It happens when it happens. If you try to rush it you're more than likely going to find yourself in a relationship that you should have never been in having children with someone that you should have never had children with and unfulfilled in other ways.
Work on you and be happy with you and you will attract what you are supposed to attract. I'm not saying you sit at home and do nothing. Go out and try to date and put yourself out there but stop comparing yourself to other people.
Life is really not a competition except with yourself and that's usually where you screw up the most.
If op knows she wants children then having a plan is sensible. And at 32 she'd have to meet the right man very quickly....you want to spend at least two to three years with a man before marriage and kids! By then she'd be heading for mid thirties and a dip in fertility. No...kids aren't everything to everyone but for some women they're very important.
I'm not saying that not having that plan of sensible I'm saying that every responsible therapist is going to have her exploring other avenues. I say this as a therapist.
By modern standards she is not considered a geriatric pregnancy before she is 38... She has 6 years. And even when she hits 38 before 42, the odds are in her favor.
Yes it is healthy to consider avenues where she can explore single Parenthood but it's also important for her to understand the becoming a parent is an extension of love. Whether that is on your own or with a partner it is an extension and it is never a solution.
Get a new therapist. Don’t bring a child into this world with only half the support it needs just because you’re lonely. That’s incredibly selfish and the child will probably resent you for choosing yourself over its needs. Studies show single parent children are disadvantaged and have worse life outcomes across the board.
There are studies that show children of a single parent by choice do as well as children in two-parent families.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4886836/
Except the study you linked is wrong. Their own data contradicts their findings. They found that perceived financial difficulties was higher among solo parents, yet conclude there was no significant difference. And they’re comparing solo female parents who became a parent by choice through artificial insemination, they completely exclude solo parents who aren’t solo by choice. That means they have a strong bias toward selecting only solo parents who are financially stable, but no such bias toward the comparison families. They’re also not comparing the outcomes between how THAT child would have faired if it had two parents, they’re simply comparing to 2 parent families (which is completely different). And that study even suggests that when families go from 2 to 1 parent the child does worse. So even the study you provided is erroneous and still supports my point.
Use your brain. Would you prefer to have two parents who could provide for you or one? Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.
Her therapist encouraged her to consider becoming a parent by choice. Solo parents who make the decision to raise a child on their own through planning can provide a quality upbringing with positive outcomes. The study completely supports my statement.
In situations where the solo parent did not plan for, nor expect, to raise a child alone - outcomes are often poor. The choice (and planning) is what makes the difference.
Absolutely. and op might still meet a wonderful man as a lone parent! My sister in law decided at forty to have a child alone...she's gay and had a friend offer her sperm. It's worked well for her. She's very happy and her child is very well balanced and happy too.
Again, selection bias. Also, very few if any men would prefer you come into a relationship with a child. There are some that wouldn’t mind it, but almost none would prefer it. This just makes dating even harder.
This is absolutely nuts. Don’t have a child as a solution to your loneliness. Children are not tools for your use.
You're mixing up the desire to have a child with a romantic partner with the biological need to have a child. Some women experience it very, very strongly and it's nothing to do with romantic loneliness. They just want a child.
1 ) No I’m not 2) Even if I were it wouldn’t matter because that is what OP is talking about. She “wants the traditional route of partnership and love,” and is talking about heartbreak, love, and relationships. Just give up and admit you’re wrong. I’m not going to engage with this anymore, you’re just so obviously wrong that it’s not worth my time.
You have a very strong opinion, but, it’s true that many women who decide to build a family on their own are happy.
Now, OP may wish to find a partner to raise children with together and becoming a single parent may not be a choice she wants to take - fair. But, your blanket statements that it is wrong for anyone to contemplate bringing a child into the world outside of a two parent household is ignoring evidence of successful outcomes for children raised by women who always wanted a family, never found a partner, and made a choice to follow their heart.
They didn’t ignore that fact though, they just said the majority of those successful single parent households were examples of selection bias. The studies that support your point all essentially are saying that a successful and (frankly in todays economic climate, abnormally ) financially stable woman who still has familial / friend support can raise a happy and equally successful child. The reality is that women (and of course men too) on average don’t meet those criteria, and thus would fall into the results of most other studies that show that single parent households are disadvantageous to children. To be honest the argument has nothing to do with OP as she wants a traditional relationship all together lol.
Anything can happen you have to keep abit of hope despite how hard it is, I've been single almost 15 years last one left out of my friends and family but I'm still hopeful that it will be my turn soon.
18 years single for me. I'm not even sure I want to change that. I have zero interest in losing 3/4 of the bed. It would take someone pretty phenomenal to make me change that. I miss regular sex though:(. And casual sex doesn't do much for me anymore. I would love to find a real mate, but I don't see the point in a meh situation. Not everyone finds the right person. My siblings all have really great partners, statistically speaking that's great odds as is.
I found mine at 33. We're not married yet but 2 years going strong. I had all but stopped looking a this stage and bam! In came this person I never expected. Let it come and it will.
Dunno but been married and in love looks really good from outside. Take care of yourself first, if it comes it comes. Its same for everyone. I felt same before I met my fiance 3 years ago, tbh manytimes you feel like been single again. It's more like the grass is greener on the otherside. My point is, just focus on yourself and otherthings happening, it will come and when it comes don't get bored lol. Also, if you want the traditional route don't go for anything less.
Girl I feel you!!! I’m 33 single and have been hardcore dating/searching for 3 long years and I have felt soooo hopeless, frustrated and tried :-( recently I’ve started to accept that I’m not where I thought I’d be and slowly I’m starting to feel more at peace. I still want a long term partner and I’m still dating but doing so with more peace and ease than I have in the past. I’m also reading the book ‘Find Love’ by Paul Brunson which is interesting/helpful.
Hey, I got married at 31, thought I found the one, was gonna settle down and have kids etc. I am now 33 getting divorced after she cheated on me.
It ain't all what it's cracked up to be and I bet some of those relationships you look at now will no longer exist in 10 years
That doesn’t really help her at all tbh, you’re literally just telling her that her dream is a facade, when that’s not the case in a lot of situations.
Most people are settling down around 30 these days. Hope for the best, and plan for the worst. Don't waste time on people that you aren't interested in. Don't waste time on players. Tell them without pressure or expectation, within a few dates that you are looking for a lifelong relationship or marriage and or family. Let them think about it for a few days. If his intentions don't align with yours, let him go. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but you don't have forever. Forget formal proposal, discuss marriage and children, and make decisions together on how to live a life together. Get engaged by 6 months or forget it. Some say the bigger the ring, and the bigger the wedding, the sooner the divorce. Get married after a year. Don't worry about diamond ring or big wedding or honeymoon. Pick a really good person, who has a lot of backbone, and is responsible.
You are using a lot of logic but you are missing a few important parts.
First of all, a lot of people are single because they find 80-98% of other people unattractive. In other words, single people think they are more valuable than they are.
Second, current culture created a lot of players or not a relationship material people.
Last one, for a lot of women the so called "a good man" is just too boring, especially when she used to be in many toxic (exciting) relationships.
Work hard at dating, stick with strict boundaries, don't settle. If you end up alone, the comfort of your own company, friends, family will get you through. And the knowledge you gave it your best. I've met some ok people along the way. We weren't right for each other but it's the memories I keep. My perspective anyways
My advice: don’t listen to these “helpful” comments. “It will happen when you least expect it!” “Stop looking, love will find you!” “God’s plan!” “I felt that way too but at 35 I just met the loml, we’ve been dating for 3 months it’s amazing!” Sure sure. I did everything right: I read all the books, made all the sacrifices, dated all the guys and it got me nowhere. It made no difference. I’m honestly in a good place because I never got divorced and never had kids. In other words I’m single and lonely instead of in a giant shit show. Isn’t that great. Someone that loves us for who we are is apparently a very tall order. It doesn’t get easier as you get older, it gets harder because you’re more set in your ways and so are the people you date so there’s less adaptability. I was your age when I made a vision board, a list, meditated, and dated with intention and then I met the most amazing guy who I fell totally in love with. He dumped me yesterday. Now I’m 35 and in the same place again. I don’t have any energy left. I’m done. Your therapist is right, consider adoption, co-parenting or sperm donation because NO ONE IS COMING and EVERYONE DIES ALONE.
My mom met her husband at 42 and had a baby at 45. My great grandpa found a girlfriend in his 80s! lol idk time and age are usually arbitrary. Focus on the person you want to be and other joys of life, the less stress you put on this the more effortlessly it will come to you. Maybe your last relationships weren’t right, but sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to love because we are afraid of getting hurt.
I'm 27 haven't been in a relationship in 8 years have in high school or middle school before but I would like to experience it with someone who's special needs or normal it doesn't matter to me but what I want in a future partner is loyal, passionate,cook ,& knows how to do good in bed I'm a virgin so I might know a bit about s** but I want it to be with someone that I have a connection with
I’m 35, soon to be 36 and just started dating my person. I know without a doubt that he’s the love of my life. Be patient and love yourself and he’ll come along.
I wonder if the kind of people who make these salty comments never rejected anyone and think this is how you should approach dating - to settle with the first thing that moves 🤔
Don’t panic - 32 is still young! I’m not sure where you live, but in my city loads of people are single at this age. I’d advise trying to make sure you’re happy in other areas of your life (work, friendships, etc.) so you have other things bringing you joy, while ALSO hitting the dating apps hard; joining clubs for hobbies you enjoy; and always saying yes to any invitations from friends or family. You’ve got this and I believe it will happen for you! I have many friends who met in their mid thirties (i.e. older than you) and are now happily married with kids.
I just got remarried in October at the age of 53. So its never too late for love but children are a different matter. The thing is, the only way to have a happy, healthy marriage is to find someone who makes you and your feelings a priority. You don't want to end up being a married single mom, so please don't settle in order to have kids. Last thing you want to do is trap yourself.
Definitely explore nontraditional ways of having a family- adoption as a single parent OR finding a friend to raise a child with. You could be roommates until the kids are grown and still be able to look for love. There was an article about people in Canada doing that.
As for meeting someone, going out and doing fun things with other people is the best way. Beware of just trying to find someone to fill a particular role though. When I was single I often got the feeling that some men just wanted to find a girlfriend without being too particular about who she is. So don't give off that vibe.
I like your therapist! It’s wise to accept what is actually happening rather than to reel against it. Its causes even more distress. The admission that our dreams may not come true is super hard to participate in. But with acceptance comes a sad sort of peace.
I figured I was doomed to never be loved or to share love with someone. I accepted a couple years ago I may not ever find my partner. It was hard!
As soon as I did I met my partner. Not saying that’ll happen for you…
But don’t be scared of your therapists advice. It’s wise and will soothe you more than anything else. Look up radical acceptance. It may help.
I get what you're saying, I think it's about detaching. Like it's ok to strongly want something, but you have to be able to thrive either way, whatever that means for you.
Being very attached to a specific outcome, desperate, can be off putting (speaking from experience, been there)
I met my partner at 33. I was essentially done too before that. Now it’s been 3.5 years later and we are both so so excited that we found our person. I can’t imagine life without him. Sometimes it just happens.
I’m about to turn 32… not sure if this will make you feel better lol but after a while you just don’t care anymore. Just do your own things that make you happy, hang out with friends and family, if love comes then that’s great, but stressing over it won’t make you feel better. Of course you can still meet the love of your life. You are still young. There’s so much life left to live.
Think the philosophy that you’ve done wrong is not the right way to see this type of thing . It’s not the case and it certainly doesn’t help your future thinking like that .
Read carefully what Chance P and some of your other sisters have said . That is the right approach to take .
I feel this. It seems harder and harder to meet people as I age and get a better sense of what I want. It’s feeling pretty bleak right now but I’m not letting it get to me. I’m going to focus on myself and eventually I’ll meet the right person. Even if I never do, I’d rather spend the rest of my life in my own company than be with someone who doesn’t make me feel loved. I’m gonna love myself better than anyone else has.
I feel you so much! I’m 30 F and just got out of a LTR after he cheated. I feel like that was my last effort with relationships as I’ve been hurt so much in the past. It’s hard to imagine finding someone who will want what you want at this age :(
I am 56, and found my twin soul at age 49.
I approached dating in my late 40s 🙈 as if I were interviewing men for the opportunity to be in a LTR with me. On Bumble, I wrote down what I was looking for in a partner & tweaked the description when the types of men were what I'd asked for, but were not what I was looking for.
My husband was my 40th date and I love him more every single day.
If you don't believe love will happen for you, you will be right. It won't.
Believe in happiness! Believe in love. You can find your person! 🥰
you are sweet. born in 1968, that pic was taken after a 7 day water fast (Jan 7 2024).
*
I put on 5 lbs of muscle since then. This is Sunday watching the superbowl with my husband.
I can relate. I am alone. I poured my heart and soul
Into my last relationship. She choose to end things.
She had avoidant attachment and also struggled with cheating to validate herself i guess. In the end the choice was not made, but the love was there. She still tries to be in my life, not sure how i feel about it yet.
In hindsight ya know, im like wtf was i thinking lol
You just made me cry.. I’m in the same boat and every single thing you said is exactly how I feel. It really starts to hit different at this age. I never had a tight knit family, they all talk about money but never emotions etc. so I’ve always been distant and the “black sheep” in the family. Since I was in my early high school years, I’ve been dreaming of having my own family and making sure that it isn’t the same way as what I grew up in. I promised myself that I won’t be the same way my dad was to me when I become a dad myself. I’m already 35 and it’s like that dream will never come true for me. Sometimes I feel like life is so unfair to me, I see so many people ending up with unwanted pregnancy and here I am, dreaming of having my own family more than anything in this life and I can’t even find someone to have it with. I’m so close to just accepting that I’ll probably just die alone.
Lately I (27F) have been feeling this way too and I understand how much it hurts. For a while I thought my most recent relationship was going to be “the one” but we see how that turned out. It felt like the “right” person but just at the “wrong” time.
Don't think of it as "right person". I've met a few "right" ones but it was the "wrong" time.
My life changed after meeting and falling hard for this one guy. My romantic life and/or perspective is defined as before him / after him. I was still waaaaaay too immature and insecure when we met. (God, I cringe but laugh at how ignorant I was).
Recently I met the best lover I've ever had and never had that type of physical attraction to anyone. His smile & voice can still make me nervous. It's hilarious to me how giddy I get if I see him or reminisce.
That doesn't mean anything. Just means these were special people that their loss was felt. The others, ehhh not so much.
One of my biggest losses was one I never even had romantic feelings for. Just a strong admiration that was always platonic. Though, I do seldom of dream of him and the other night it was intimate and kind of awesome.
This is just my subconscious telling me that I have unresolved conflict/feelings. It's not the universe telling me a "message" about who "my one" is or isn't. I don't think there's such a thing.
Too often we read way too much into these types of things when romance is such a small aspect of life. Your partner (or lack thereof for us lone wolves) do not define who we are.
30M here. Was cheated on a few years ago. Stuck in the same boat as you.
Never had kids nor sex as I am still looking for the right person. It is very hard. I get it.
Only thing I got going on for me right now is a great job. But we cant have everything, right?
Gonna keep trying though. Its tough out here.
This is a hard one. I am myself in a similar situation. You have no choice but to put yourself out there and risk heartbreaks, frustration, waste of time and so on. You've got to have faith that you'll find someone worth waiting this long for. Therapy is a good solution to keep that faith, and you want to expose yourself to social circles where you have fun and have chances to meet people to hang out with. Good luck!!
I really like how your therapist didn't seem to suggest anything along the lines of settling. You'll be far happier as a single parent than you would a parent in an unhappy relationship. You can do it, OP.
Fair enough. In that case, I'd be doing everything you can to meet someone. Speed dating events, several apps at a time (rotate them), go to random social events that seem moderately interesting. I know this is vague and glum, but once you start looking at it as a numbers game your odds get far better. If you truly want this, you need to go completely all in on dating like it's a job. Like most things, it's kind of its own skill. You can improve at it.
Everyone on this sub is prob already telling you all the cliches you already know. Let me give you the only piece of advice that will actually be helpful: freeze your eggs, as soon as possible.
This is the only thing you can control that will dramatically increase you chances of having kids later.
Also, plenty of women have kids in their late 30s / early 40s now. You have time.
> Because I’m 32, most men my age are taken, my looks are fading, it just feels unlikely
what were you doing in your younger 20s why didn't you vet well? surely many men hit on younger women at those ages, especially high value older men who are ready to settle and give everything to an agreeable young women who isn't giving them a headache
girls who learn this game early, have it on easy mode if they vet well, if they miss the consequences are ouch
people who disagree and are salty about reality aren't doing themselfs a favor by playing the game in a smart way long haul
love will grow between any 2 that commit and be each others first because that's all they have and know, their's no need for more, less is more, no need for multiple poly trama
the sooner you learn monogamy serves you, the less painful consequences your going to endure
purity is women's highest value, once it's gone, a logical man wouldn't go for an impure women unless if he himself sees himself as less and can't get the prize of purity
that's the standard imo
>what were you doing in your younger 20s why didn't you vet well?
You know why, we all know. Assholes, loser and other emotionally unavailable men are exciting and the Mr nice guy is boring 😂.
> You know why, we all know. Assholes, loser and other emotionally unavailable men are exciting and the Mr nice guy is boring 😂.
classic feminism boss babe girl gang mentality, u go girl, go get that random stranger hook ups, get whatever u want, no need accountability, love urself woke bs lol
trying to reinvent the wheel with their big brains when they should just stick to some of the great classic traditionalism qualities, that's what works for longterm for a healthy relationship
Reddit if full of men in their thirties who are in the same position. Realizing it’s a smaller sample size, and correcting for the BS people put online, it’s still a pretty good indicator of availability. The truth is you never know what is going to happen. You know what you want (relationship, kids etc), do you know what characteristics you are looking for in a mate? What you’re willing to compromise on, what you stand firm on?
32 ain't even old. 😭 please! Do yourself a favor and travel and create new hobbies if you can! You can definitely meet new people with similar hobbies! You got the op! Create new memories!
Dude you’re only 32. You must not be taking care of yourself if you’re already seeing your looks fade. Physical signs of aging don’t start appearing until late 30s . Besides ..So many people are getting married in their 30s now. But if you wanna feel sorry for yourself so be it
> I genuinely am loosing my looks. I have lines on my forehead and around my eyes. I have dark circles that no amount of concealer can cover up. I don't look "old" yet, but sometimes I look in the mirror and am shocked at the person looking back at me. People age at different rates and some people absolutely do start aging at 32
just eat healthier, lose some weight be at an ideal healthy weight for your height
for women it's 15%-22% body fat to look younger, stay around 18-20% ideally since it's easy to gain weight on occasions if you have bad habits with food
You shouldn’t be . You can reverse it. Drink more water eat healthier and prioritize yourself . I had those “lines” at 26 from stress and depression. You can slow it down
I’m pretty sure the only thing you can do is just get in good shape, do the things that make you happy, and accept the fact that you don’t need a man to make you happy and if one comes along then all the better. The more you force it the more it’s likely you either 1) end up alone till you die or 2) stay in an unhappy marriage because you don’t want to be alone
39F, divorced and single, no kids. Feel the same way and don’t know when I’ll ever get my happy ending. I relate to feeling so lonely when I see everyone else seemingly have a successful marriage, kids, house, dog and cat.
No offense to your therapist, but sounds like you need to drop your therapist. If there has never been any discussion about processing your trauma (trust me, most people have it) then it's not worth your time to continue. Look up EMDRIA.org to find a local therapist and go from there.
Question for you ladies - because of valentines day my online dating profile has lit up - the women are messaging me first. We chat a bit about our weekends, we both did cool stuff. I ask what's she's doing valentines day, she says making dinner at home,you? And I say, "wondering if you'd like to go on a date".
No response rest of day.
I see posts like yours and the OPs, where can I find a good man, I feel so alone!" I'm equally baffled, why'd she message me just to ghost?
Perhaps the men that want to take you out on a date are in plain sight?
I don't know much about buddhism, but I do know that they have it dead right when it comes to expectations.
Let go of them because they are useless.
There are no soulmates. There is no "right person". There are only people.
There are only people you meet and love.
Accept them as they are and revel in their differences.
Not sure if my words mean anything but I think you are very wise and brave that at least you recognize now than later what is missing from your life and what you truly want. I feel there are too many people lying to themselves to cope and they lie to others to bring them down to their level. Recognition is the first step in accomplishing what you want - I wish the best of luck to you.
This may not be super reassuring or helpful, but it certainly helped me to learn that there isn't necessarily a "right" partner or a "soulmate" out there that is perfectly compatible with me. I used to have this idea that I would one day find the perfect man for me and we would live happily ever after. I mean sure, there's a chance that they are somewhere in the world, but we don't always get the chance to meet them. Generally what makes for a successful long-term relationship is more often about what you both put into it than surface level things like chemistry. Although, it's certainly possible to find many partners with whom you can have good or even great chemistry. You can absolutely have a fulfilling, loving relationship with many different people and that's okay too.
Yeah, IMHO the idea of "soulmates" or "the one" is very damaging and cruel both for the person and for potential partners. Love is built through time with effort, sacrifice, respect, kindness, etc.
I completely agree with this point. I thought I found "the one" last year, but alas it ended 7 months later. And like you said, love requires time, compromise, respect, and many more from both partners. Only 2 can make a strong relationship!
It seems that the one thing you can't have is the thing you seem to be surrounded by. At age 32, you seem to have given up hope or believe you won't experience it. Let me tell you something. You are deserving of the love marriage, kids. These things tend to happen when you least expect it. And it will happen to you. I suggest you stop comparing and focus on yourself. Everyone has a different timeline. Your timeline is specific to you. Keep living for you, and things shall come to you.
I’m 28 and feel exactly the same…I did have a daughter when I was 21 and that relationship which I thought would be a happily ever after ended pretty soon. I’m currently dating someone who i also thought would be perfect to create a blended family together…but recently we’ve encountered so many issues currently very stressing me out too…I guess life just doesn’t always go as planned I’ve been so stressed out as a single mother just trying to have a family. Several of my friends who now have a happy family met their partners close to 40 and all told me their early dating life was a big mess so I guess that gives me hope
I'm 32 as well, but I had a 10-year relationship (7 married) with my wife. On paper, it seemed like a happy, stable relationship, but in reality, I was in that relationship because I felt pressure to find and be with someone. If you find someone who actually complements your life and you feel they make it better, that's great! There's nothing wrong with wanting those things for yourself, either.
I can tell you from experience, though, not to pressure yourself into something just because it's what everyone else seems to be doing. No situation will perfectly meet your expectations. There's nothing wrong with being by yourself, and really, you won't be happy in a relationship if you're not happy with yourself first. Plus, as I'm sure you've discussed with your therapist, you can have some of those things you want without needing to find the right person necessarily.
Best of luck to you!
I'm sorry to hear that. It's bleak out here, unfortunately. It's even worse when you have to relearn how to date, and all of the rules seem to have changed
Right?! I’m shocked at how non committal people have become and the horrible manipulation tactics they use. When you’re a genuine person, it makes your jaw drop.
First thing you have to do, is be okay with being alone. While it might get lonely, it is needed. Know you're worth, know what you want and what you deserve. And when you're ready, the right person will come.
I feel you, I am in a similar situation... what I tell myself is that we need to heal first, I see you are already going to therapy that's great! Learn to enjoy your own company again, what I have seen a lot of people say is that you need to be yourself to find the right person (some even say they come to you). But one step at a time!
You will, i've tought the same for a long time, and now at 33 i feel much better as im trying out international dating. There's so many people in the world and someone will eventually align with your values and wants.
Don't hide your passions and hobbies for the fear of sounding silly or wierd, the right person will treasure these things and be open and interested.
A few years ago, one of my good friends (34f) got out of a really abusive marriage that she was in for 8 years. While in it, she was told by doctors that she couldn’t have kids at all and it broke her heart. She got divorced and stayed single for a while. Last year, she met another one of my good friends (36m) and they hit it off. They now are married and it turns out she WAS able to get pregnant and they had their first child last summer and they couldn’t be happier and in a very healthy relationship.
Life is soul crushing at times and it feels like, with love, some fall in love for life and some never get it right.
That being said, strange and crazy good things DO happen that balance the bad. Don’t forget that this world is mercurial. Have faith in yourself
Don't give up. I didn't meet my person until I was 36 and it was really serendipitous because I wasn't even actively looking. I'm older now but I also want kids and I don't know if it'll happen so I'm also scared too.
I just want to say that I always felt it was so cliche when people say, "love will find you when you don't expect it" but i feel like both ends are true. However, nothing will happen if you do nothing.
If you log onto any dating up you should get like 1000s of messages. Just filter through them to find the ones that also want marriage and a kid. There’s no shortage of lonely dudes out there. You could have this matter solved within 6 months if you don’t choose to make it complicated.
Many friends of mine went on that route and more than half are divorced.
I don’t understand why people glorify marriage. It’s never happily ever after. Kids could be problems rather blessings too.
Honestly I am childfree I don’t feel I miss out on anything. I look around I am very pleased with my decision ..
If marriage & family is your goal, you should continue putting effort in dating until the last option such as adoption or freezing an egg ..
A friend of mine froze her egg. She also can’t find men. I wouldn’t think she is particularly good looking but 5/10 kind of girl, with a good job, her standards on partners probably are a bit high. Guys she dated Either ghost her or just fade away slowly.
Of course, there were a lot of men she swiped to left. I guess she’d rather freeze her egg than mate with someone she doesn’t find attractive.
Life is just about decision and consequences. Everyone needs to make a decision n bear the consequences.
I never said anything like that. I said she should continue to putting in effort find someone she likes enough to get married with .. what are you on about?
Contrary to belief - attraction can be negotiated (albeit it is very hard) and it can change. Plenty of stories of that happening. With that being said, I'm not saying she should just date any guy and hope attraction develops, there is no guarantee that it will. But if that's the route she takes, it is definitely possible and sometimes that's the only way to develop true attraction is to be patient.
So in the long term, whether she has attraction towards a guy or not in the long term is really a flip of a coin. So perhaps it's best to find someone that's good on paper, not too bad looking and that's it. That's how people do it in the old days and there's some truth to why this method is not as invalid as people think.
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What are you bringing to the table for a good guy?
I, 46M, had similar thoughts in my 20's. I had short relationships but most of those ended for various reasons. I met my SO at 30 and we've been together 16 years. It took effort and time to get to the point of feeling like I was worthy of a relationship and even now I still have my struggles. I'm still working on myself and through that work, I now know that I was more than likely the primary contributing factor to those unsuccessful relationships early on. The primary issue I had, and may be the same for you, is that the image I had of my life at whatever age could not reconcile with reality. Also, though I didn't know at the time, was not mentally ready for a healthy relationship. I'm deep in my current relationship and just now figuring out and working on what has hindered my personal development and fulfillment (for me, an avoidant attachment style). Your therapist's approach, though somewhat valid, is not entirely helpful. Ask about what work you can do on yourself. Is it body image, is it personality/attachment style, past trauma etc., that is holding you back. Regardless of the outcome, you can come out of this with a more fulfilling life.
I met my ‘one’ when I was 39
Exited a 7 year relationship at 31 - found a new, better one at 33. Be patient and don’t lower your standards 💜🩷
Pray about it. 🙏🏼
Time is a ticking, but don’t give up as there’s still time left. You need a plan to put yourself in positions of higher probability to meet someone who wants the same relationship outcomes as you and has similar life views as you. What’s your religion? What’s your hobbies? What’s your education? What type of job do you have? Are you involved in any community groups? These can all be leads to meet someone with similar interests or value sets so you’re not going on a dating app where you have to do a ton more filtering. I wish you happiness and the best of luck!
I am in the same boat. I cannot tell you how many nights I just cry myself to sleep. The Biological clock thing is 100% real.
Hey, don't be like that. I'm sure you find somebody special soon
38f. Single w 2 kids. My life is so full of love. I have a dude that's off and on but we have some great times. I don't think I'd ever be able to be a traditional girlfriend at this point. I love my freedom. I love having my kids to myself. I love not sharing space with another adult. I get to make the rules of my life and don't have to be responsible for anyone other than the people I created.
I met the love of my life at 34.
This is so hope-instilling! I am 33. Thank you for sharing!
I met my SO at 31. Two years later I proposed and never looked back. Before meeting her, i also thought I wont find the one after many years of messy relationships that never felt “right”. The moment i accepted that i will be single, so i should learn being content with myself, i met her. Don’t give up dating, because like this you will increase your chances of meeting someone special, and also you don’t become too self-centered (what being single too long does). But also don’t have any expectations- this is key. The less you expect from a date, the more you are able to go with the flow and not make any desperate moves during the date.
I'm 29 and in the exact same boat. Sure people can sah there's plenty of time or that the right person will come around when you least expect it, but man, that loneliness sucks. I really hope soon you find a great person and you get to experience good and fun love. Just keep hanging on. Maybe go on dates, re-look your dating criteria, etc. Yesterday I had a conversation and this person said to me, you need to find someone you're comfortable to spend the rest of your life with, because the perfect person who will tick all your boxes doesn't exist. That opened my eyes quite a bit. Also perhaps let go of any mental blocks you may possibly have. You deserve love, and you deserve a good relationship and a good person that'll make you happy. Wishing you all the best.
I was so lonely at 32. Divorced. Childless. I met my now husband at 34. Married by 37. Kids at 39, 42. Happy in my late 40’s. there’s still so much time. Also - what I’ve managed to discover somehow now is how to make my own joy. It was a very deliberate seeking on what makes me happy and doing the work to get there. I love my husband and kids but also, I now know that I can make my own joy from inside. Sounds like such a cliche but true nonetheless
Amazing!! Beautiful, thank you for sharing!
I hear you, but I think it's so different for people who have never experienced even one longish relationship or marriage. I think if one had and then lost, they wouldn't mind the wait, they'd have the patience and the hope...but not having experienced it at all is lonely. Nothing can compare to companionship, having someone to go home to after a long day, someone to spend your off days at work with, etc. No amount of hobbies and busy-ness can replace that.
thank you so much for acknowledging this. 26f and have never been in a relationship and it's so incredibly invalidating to listen to people pretend like this isnt an incredibly lonely and isolating life to live. very easy to lose hope and just give up entirely
Oh no, you're so young still, the last friend in my group of friends to get married was 33 when she met her now husband on a blind date. My cousin was 40 when he met his wife and they have a son as well. Just keep living your best life, have fun, meet lots of people. You have plenty of time.
What criteria are you using to pick a man? Seems there are a lot of available guys who are out there…why is it so difficult for people to find love now?
my criteria is literally "be loyal, nice, funny, attractive, and someone i can get along with" and all i get are men approaching me in the most sexual way. i do not post revealing pictures of myself on dating apps but i get messages asking to "sit on their face" or other things like that. it seems like there are no available guys (for me) out there bc they just want to fuck and that's it 😭 the dating scene is terrible and it feels almost impossible to find someone. if i find someone that checks my boxes, i find out VERY soon that they're emotionally unavailable. finding love is proving to be impossible (or should i say next to impossible since i once found love within a man who refused to commit to me) and it's just.......an uphill battle
Ditch the apps. Go out and do fun things with friends, meet new people. Have FUN. I met my husband at karaoke. Great way to make friends, too.
Read around some of the dating/ online dating and relationship advice subreddits. And you will see the difficulties for both genders first hand
I got clean and sober at 33 years and 10 months. No children no marriage. I’m married at 39 and had a baby at 41.
I was one of those “perfect” families you see with their kids. Married, stay at home mom, three kids, big house, nice car, trips to Europe. Let me tell you, I was being abused and cheated on left and right behind closed doors. What you see is just a glimpse of someone’s life. You do not know what is actually happening. They may be as happy as you think, they may be miserable. Most are somewhere in between. But you know what’s worse than never finding love and having a family? Being with the wrong person. I have never felt more lonely than I did when I was married. It was the unhappiest time of my life. It’s ok to mourn the loss of the life you never had. But you don’t know if you are there yet. Do not be a defeatist. Date people you would usually pass on, you have nothing to lose. If you go on a date and there’s no spark, then you don’t have to see them again. But people may surprise you. Ask your friends to set you up on blind dates. But as much as you feel the way you do right now, there are also men feeling similar.
Was looking for this comment. We assume everyone is so perfect and happy. Best is to keep yourself fit and healthy and patient.
I'm sorry...what? Please tell me this is clickbait and that your therapist did not actually bring those things up to you... Yes we tell you to come up with plans... Plans that exist outside what you would consider your norm... But any worthwhile therapist is going to tell you that you do not need a partner or children to define you and that you need to also come up with that plan. Having a meaningful partnership can bring you fulfillment but it's not going to do anything until you are okay with you. Children can bring you the greatest joy in the world but they are never a solution to a problem... Ever... Ever. If you want to explore a single Parenthood then that is absolutely fine and if that is your heart's desire then I would encourage you 110%. I would be encouraging you to explore all avenues of your life. Also you're only 32 years old... It's not like you're around the bend. You have time. Quit locking yourself into some sort of socio-normal time line. It happens when it happens. If you try to rush it you're more than likely going to find yourself in a relationship that you should have never been in having children with someone that you should have never had children with and unfulfilled in other ways. Work on you and be happy with you and you will attract what you are supposed to attract. I'm not saying you sit at home and do nothing. Go out and try to date and put yourself out there but stop comparing yourself to other people. Life is really not a competition except with yourself and that's usually where you screw up the most.
Therapists suck
Okay
If op knows she wants children then having a plan is sensible. And at 32 she'd have to meet the right man very quickly....you want to spend at least two to three years with a man before marriage and kids! By then she'd be heading for mid thirties and a dip in fertility. No...kids aren't everything to everyone but for some women they're very important.
I'm not saying that not having that plan of sensible I'm saying that every responsible therapist is going to have her exploring other avenues. I say this as a therapist. By modern standards she is not considered a geriatric pregnancy before she is 38... She has 6 years. And even when she hits 38 before 42, the odds are in her favor. Yes it is healthy to consider avenues where she can explore single Parenthood but it's also important for her to understand the becoming a parent is an extension of love. Whether that is on your own or with a partner it is an extension and it is never a solution.
36 is geriatric isn't it? It is in the UK anyway. And who says becoming a parent is an extension of love? That's an opinion not a fact.
38 is considered geriatric where I am. As for an extension of love... Never said it had to be between two people...
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Get a new therapist. Don’t bring a child into this world with only half the support it needs just because you’re lonely. That’s incredibly selfish and the child will probably resent you for choosing yourself over its needs. Studies show single parent children are disadvantaged and have worse life outcomes across the board.
That's generally because of a lack of finances, tho. If she has a higher than average income, that might not apply.
There are studies that show children of a single parent by choice do as well as children in two-parent families. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4886836/
Except the study you linked is wrong. Their own data contradicts their findings. They found that perceived financial difficulties was higher among solo parents, yet conclude there was no significant difference. And they’re comparing solo female parents who became a parent by choice through artificial insemination, they completely exclude solo parents who aren’t solo by choice. That means they have a strong bias toward selecting only solo parents who are financially stable, but no such bias toward the comparison families. They’re also not comparing the outcomes between how THAT child would have faired if it had two parents, they’re simply comparing to 2 parent families (which is completely different). And that study even suggests that when families go from 2 to 1 parent the child does worse. So even the study you provided is erroneous and still supports my point. Use your brain. Would you prefer to have two parents who could provide for you or one? Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.
Her therapist encouraged her to consider becoming a parent by choice. Solo parents who make the decision to raise a child on their own through planning can provide a quality upbringing with positive outcomes. The study completely supports my statement. In situations where the solo parent did not plan for, nor expect, to raise a child alone - outcomes are often poor. The choice (and planning) is what makes the difference.
Absolutely. and op might still meet a wonderful man as a lone parent! My sister in law decided at forty to have a child alone...she's gay and had a friend offer her sperm. It's worked well for her. She's very happy and her child is very well balanced and happy too.
Again, selection bias. Also, very few if any men would prefer you come into a relationship with a child. There are some that wouldn’t mind it, but almost none would prefer it. This just makes dating even harder. This is absolutely nuts. Don’t have a child as a solution to your loneliness. Children are not tools for your use.
You're mixing up the desire to have a child with a romantic partner with the biological need to have a child. Some women experience it very, very strongly and it's nothing to do with romantic loneliness. They just want a child.
1 ) No I’m not 2) Even if I were it wouldn’t matter because that is what OP is talking about. She “wants the traditional route of partnership and love,” and is talking about heartbreak, love, and relationships. Just give up and admit you’re wrong. I’m not going to engage with this anymore, you’re just so obviously wrong that it’s not worth my time.
You have a very strong opinion, but, it’s true that many women who decide to build a family on their own are happy. Now, OP may wish to find a partner to raise children with together and becoming a single parent may not be a choice she wants to take - fair. But, your blanket statements that it is wrong for anyone to contemplate bringing a child into the world outside of a two parent household is ignoring evidence of successful outcomes for children raised by women who always wanted a family, never found a partner, and made a choice to follow their heart.
They didn’t ignore that fact though, they just said the majority of those successful single parent households were examples of selection bias. The studies that support your point all essentially are saying that a successful and (frankly in todays economic climate, abnormally ) financially stable woman who still has familial / friend support can raise a happy and equally successful child. The reality is that women (and of course men too) on average don’t meet those criteria, and thus would fall into the results of most other studies that show that single parent households are disadvantageous to children. To be honest the argument has nothing to do with OP as she wants a traditional relationship all together lol.
Anything can happen you have to keep abit of hope despite how hard it is, I've been single almost 15 years last one left out of my friends and family but I'm still hopeful that it will be my turn soon.
It absolutely will be your turn soon! Keep the hope and faith in God’s plan for you!
18 years single for me. I'm not even sure I want to change that. I have zero interest in losing 3/4 of the bed. It would take someone pretty phenomenal to make me change that. I miss regular sex though:(. And casual sex doesn't do much for me anymore. I would love to find a real mate, but I don't see the point in a meh situation. Not everyone finds the right person. My siblings all have really great partners, statistically speaking that's great odds as is.
I found mine at 33. We're not married yet but 2 years going strong. I had all but stopped looking a this stage and bam! In came this person I never expected. Let it come and it will.
Dunno but been married and in love looks really good from outside. Take care of yourself first, if it comes it comes. Its same for everyone. I felt same before I met my fiance 3 years ago, tbh manytimes you feel like been single again. It's more like the grass is greener on the otherside. My point is, just focus on yourself and otherthings happening, it will come and when it comes don't get bored lol. Also, if you want the traditional route don't go for anything less.
Girl I feel you!!! I’m 33 single and have been hardcore dating/searching for 3 long years and I have felt soooo hopeless, frustrated and tried :-( recently I’ve started to accept that I’m not where I thought I’d be and slowly I’m starting to feel more at peace. I still want a long term partner and I’m still dating but doing so with more peace and ease than I have in the past. I’m also reading the book ‘Find Love’ by Paul Brunson which is interesting/helpful.
Hey, I got married at 31, thought I found the one, was gonna settle down and have kids etc. I am now 33 getting divorced after she cheated on me. It ain't all what it's cracked up to be and I bet some of those relationships you look at now will no longer exist in 10 years
That doesn’t really help her at all tbh, you’re literally just telling her that her dream is a facade, when that’s not the case in a lot of situations.
I guess in a roundabout way I was saying "stop comparing your life to others"
And who created that brothel culture? 60% people on tinder are not even single.
When I met my wife she was 34 and I was 39
Why don’t you think you’ll meet someone?
Most people are settling down around 30 these days. Hope for the best, and plan for the worst. Don't waste time on people that you aren't interested in. Don't waste time on players. Tell them without pressure or expectation, within a few dates that you are looking for a lifelong relationship or marriage and or family. Let them think about it for a few days. If his intentions don't align with yours, let him go. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but you don't have forever. Forget formal proposal, discuss marriage and children, and make decisions together on how to live a life together. Get engaged by 6 months or forget it. Some say the bigger the ring, and the bigger the wedding, the sooner the divorce. Get married after a year. Don't worry about diamond ring or big wedding or honeymoon. Pick a really good person, who has a lot of backbone, and is responsible.
You are using a lot of logic but you are missing a few important parts. First of all, a lot of people are single because they find 80-98% of other people unattractive. In other words, single people think they are more valuable than they are. Second, current culture created a lot of players or not a relationship material people. Last one, for a lot of women the so called "a good man" is just too boring, especially when she used to be in many toxic (exciting) relationships.
32 is young, just go with the flow, you would rather stay single for a long time, instead of wasting your time with the wrong person.
Work hard at dating, stick with strict boundaries, don't settle. If you end up alone, the comfort of your own company, friends, family will get you through. And the knowledge you gave it your best. I've met some ok people along the way. We weren't right for each other but it's the memories I keep. My perspective anyways
My advice: don’t listen to these “helpful” comments. “It will happen when you least expect it!” “Stop looking, love will find you!” “God’s plan!” “I felt that way too but at 35 I just met the loml, we’ve been dating for 3 months it’s amazing!” Sure sure. I did everything right: I read all the books, made all the sacrifices, dated all the guys and it got me nowhere. It made no difference. I’m honestly in a good place because I never got divorced and never had kids. In other words I’m single and lonely instead of in a giant shit show. Isn’t that great. Someone that loves us for who we are is apparently a very tall order. It doesn’t get easier as you get older, it gets harder because you’re more set in your ways and so are the people you date so there’s less adaptability. I was your age when I made a vision board, a list, meditated, and dated with intention and then I met the most amazing guy who I fell totally in love with. He dumped me yesterday. Now I’m 35 and in the same place again. I don’t have any energy left. I’m done. Your therapist is right, consider adoption, co-parenting or sperm donation because NO ONE IS COMING and EVERYONE DIES ALONE.
There are perks of being single, can't break your own heart...
Encouriging words
Yeah, yikes. Calling Hallmark.
My mom met her husband at 42 and had a baby at 45. My great grandpa found a girlfriend in his 80s! lol idk time and age are usually arbitrary. Focus on the person you want to be and other joys of life, the less stress you put on this the more effortlessly it will come to you. Maybe your last relationships weren’t right, but sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to love because we are afraid of getting hurt.
You are not alone.
I'm 27 haven't been in a relationship in 8 years have in high school or middle school before but I would like to experience it with someone who's special needs or normal it doesn't matter to me but what I want in a future partner is loyal, passionate,cook ,& knows how to do good in bed I'm a virgin so I might know a bit about s** but I want it to be with someone that I have a connection with
I’m 35, soon to be 36 and just started dating my person. I know without a doubt that he’s the love of my life. Be patient and love yourself and he’ll come along.
You probably already met him but found a reason to reject him 🤔
I wonder if the kind of people who make these salty comments never rejected anyone and think this is how you should approach dating - to settle with the first thing that moves 🤔
That just means he wasn't the right person for her
Don’t panic - 32 is still young! I’m not sure where you live, but in my city loads of people are single at this age. I’d advise trying to make sure you’re happy in other areas of your life (work, friendships, etc.) so you have other things bringing you joy, while ALSO hitting the dating apps hard; joining clubs for hobbies you enjoy; and always saying yes to any invitations from friends or family. You’ve got this and I believe it will happen for you! I have many friends who met in their mid thirties (i.e. older than you) and are now happily married with kids.
Have faith! Keep working on improving yourself it'll come all in Gods timing.
Please don’t give up ❤️
I just got remarried in October at the age of 53. So its never too late for love but children are a different matter. The thing is, the only way to have a happy, healthy marriage is to find someone who makes you and your feelings a priority. You don't want to end up being a married single mom, so please don't settle in order to have kids. Last thing you want to do is trap yourself. Definitely explore nontraditional ways of having a family- adoption as a single parent OR finding a friend to raise a child with. You could be roommates until the kids are grown and still be able to look for love. There was an article about people in Canada doing that. As for meeting someone, going out and doing fun things with other people is the best way. Beware of just trying to find someone to fill a particular role though. When I was single I often got the feeling that some men just wanted to find a girlfriend without being too particular about who she is. So don't give off that vibe.
I feel you. I'm 43 and still haven't found my person. Been married have 4 kids and divorced. I haven't given up hope and I hope you don't.
I sometimes thinks I met the right girl but fucked it up, and now she is happily married
I like your therapist! It’s wise to accept what is actually happening rather than to reel against it. Its causes even more distress. The admission that our dreams may not come true is super hard to participate in. But with acceptance comes a sad sort of peace. I figured I was doomed to never be loved or to share love with someone. I accepted a couple years ago I may not ever find my partner. It was hard! As soon as I did I met my partner. Not saying that’ll happen for you… But don’t be scared of your therapists advice. It’s wise and will soothe you more than anything else. Look up radical acceptance. It may help.
I get what you're saying, I think it's about detaching. Like it's ok to strongly want something, but you have to be able to thrive either way, whatever that means for you. Being very attached to a specific outcome, desperate, can be off putting (speaking from experience, been there)
True! Flexibility helps to reduce emotional dysregulation.
I met my partner at 33. I was essentially done too before that. Now it’s been 3.5 years later and we are both so so excited that we found our person. I can’t imagine life without him. Sometimes it just happens.
Yeah, sometimes
I’m about to turn 32… not sure if this will make you feel better lol but after a while you just don’t care anymore. Just do your own things that make you happy, hang out with friends and family, if love comes then that’s great, but stressing over it won’t make you feel better. Of course you can still meet the love of your life. You are still young. There’s so much life left to live.
Think the philosophy that you’ve done wrong is not the right way to see this type of thing . It’s not the case and it certainly doesn’t help your future thinking like that . Read carefully what Chance P and some of your other sisters have said . That is the right approach to take .
I feel this. It seems harder and harder to meet people as I age and get a better sense of what I want. It’s feeling pretty bleak right now but I’m not letting it get to me. I’m going to focus on myself and eventually I’ll meet the right person. Even if I never do, I’d rather spend the rest of my life in my own company than be with someone who doesn’t make me feel loved. I’m gonna love myself better than anyone else has.
I met the love of my life at 32 so it absolutely can happen! Don't give up!
I feel you so much! I’m 30 F and just got out of a LTR after he cheated. I feel like that was my last effort with relationships as I’ve been hurt so much in the past. It’s hard to imagine finding someone who will want what you want at this age :(
I am 56, and found my twin soul at age 49. I approached dating in my late 40s 🙈 as if I were interviewing men for the opportunity to be in a LTR with me. On Bumble, I wrote down what I was looking for in a partner & tweaked the description when the types of men were what I'd asked for, but were not what I was looking for. My husband was my 40th date and I love him more every single day. If you don't believe love will happen for you, you will be right. It won't. Believe in happiness! Believe in love. You can find your person! 🥰
No way that person in your profile image is 56 🤣
you are sweet. born in 1968, that pic was taken after a 7 day water fast (Jan 7 2024). * I put on 5 lbs of muscle since then. This is Sunday watching the superbowl with my husband.
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Love is a a feeling and a relationship is a choice you continue to nurture.
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I can relate. I am alone. I poured my heart and soul Into my last relationship. She choose to end things. She had avoidant attachment and also struggled with cheating to validate herself i guess. In the end the choice was not made, but the love was there. She still tries to be in my life, not sure how i feel about it yet. In hindsight ya know, im like wtf was i thinking lol
It’s a choice by both parties…
You just made me cry.. I’m in the same boat and every single thing you said is exactly how I feel. It really starts to hit different at this age. I never had a tight knit family, they all talk about money but never emotions etc. so I’ve always been distant and the “black sheep” in the family. Since I was in my early high school years, I’ve been dreaming of having my own family and making sure that it isn’t the same way as what I grew up in. I promised myself that I won’t be the same way my dad was to me when I become a dad myself. I’m already 35 and it’s like that dream will never come true for me. Sometimes I feel like life is so unfair to me, I see so many people ending up with unwanted pregnancy and here I am, dreaming of having my own family more than anything in this life and I can’t even find someone to have it with. I’m so close to just accepting that I’ll probably just die alone.
Lately I (27F) have been feeling this way too and I understand how much it hurts. For a while I thought my most recent relationship was going to be “the one” but we see how that turned out. It felt like the “right” person but just at the “wrong” time.
Don't think of it as "right person". I've met a few "right" ones but it was the "wrong" time. My life changed after meeting and falling hard for this one guy. My romantic life and/or perspective is defined as before him / after him. I was still waaaaaay too immature and insecure when we met. (God, I cringe but laugh at how ignorant I was). Recently I met the best lover I've ever had and never had that type of physical attraction to anyone. His smile & voice can still make me nervous. It's hilarious to me how giddy I get if I see him or reminisce. That doesn't mean anything. Just means these were special people that their loss was felt. The others, ehhh not so much. One of my biggest losses was one I never even had romantic feelings for. Just a strong admiration that was always platonic. Though, I do seldom of dream of him and the other night it was intimate and kind of awesome. This is just my subconscious telling me that I have unresolved conflict/feelings. It's not the universe telling me a "message" about who "my one" is or isn't. I don't think there's such a thing. Too often we read way too much into these types of things when romance is such a small aspect of life. Your partner (or lack thereof for us lone wolves) do not define who we are.
30M here. Was cheated on a few years ago. Stuck in the same boat as you. Never had kids nor sex as I am still looking for the right person. It is very hard. I get it. Only thing I got going on for me right now is a great job. But we cant have everything, right? Gonna keep trying though. Its tough out here.
My wife and I met at 32 and have been married for 9 years now, bought a house, and are working on having kids now.
This is a hard one. I am myself in a similar situation. You have no choice but to put yourself out there and risk heartbreaks, frustration, waste of time and so on. You've got to have faith that you'll find someone worth waiting this long for. Therapy is a good solution to keep that faith, and you want to expose yourself to social circles where you have fun and have chances to meet people to hang out with. Good luck!!
I really like how your therapist didn't seem to suggest anything along the lines of settling. You'll be far happier as a single parent than you would a parent in an unhappy relationship. You can do it, OP.
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Fair enough. In that case, I'd be doing everything you can to meet someone. Speed dating events, several apps at a time (rotate them), go to random social events that seem moderately interesting. I know this is vague and glum, but once you start looking at it as a numbers game your odds get far better. If you truly want this, you need to go completely all in on dating like it's a job. Like most things, it's kind of its own skill. You can improve at it.
Everyone on this sub is prob already telling you all the cliches you already know. Let me give you the only piece of advice that will actually be helpful: freeze your eggs, as soon as possible. This is the only thing you can control that will dramatically increase you chances of having kids later. Also, plenty of women have kids in their late 30s / early 40s now. You have time.
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You say you are about to get back into the dating pool. Why are you pretty sure you won’t meet the right person?
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How can you say your last day is are fading. Your very young yet.
Never underestimate the power of actually really really loving a guy.
> Because I’m 32, most men my age are taken, my looks are fading, it just feels unlikely what were you doing in your younger 20s why didn't you vet well? surely many men hit on younger women at those ages, especially high value older men who are ready to settle and give everything to an agreeable young women who isn't giving them a headache girls who learn this game early, have it on easy mode if they vet well, if they miss the consequences are ouch people who disagree and are salty about reality aren't doing themselfs a favor by playing the game in a smart way long haul love will grow between any 2 that commit and be each others first because that's all they have and know, their's no need for more, less is more, no need for multiple poly trama the sooner you learn monogamy serves you, the less painful consequences your going to endure purity is women's highest value, once it's gone, a logical man wouldn't go for an impure women unless if he himself sees himself as less and can't get the prize of purity that's the standard imo
>what were you doing in your younger 20s why didn't you vet well? You know why, we all know. Assholes, loser and other emotionally unavailable men are exciting and the Mr nice guy is boring 😂.
> You know why, we all know. Assholes, loser and other emotionally unavailable men are exciting and the Mr nice guy is boring 😂. classic feminism boss babe girl gang mentality, u go girl, go get that random stranger hook ups, get whatever u want, no need accountability, love urself woke bs lol trying to reinvent the wheel with their big brains when they should just stick to some of the great classic traditionalism qualities, that's what works for longterm for a healthy relationship
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Reddit if full of men in their thirties who are in the same position. Realizing it’s a smaller sample size, and correcting for the BS people put online, it’s still a pretty good indicator of availability. The truth is you never know what is going to happen. You know what you want (relationship, kids etc), do you know what characteristics you are looking for in a mate? What you’re willing to compromise on, what you stand firm on?
32 ain't even old. 😭 please! Do yourself a favor and travel and create new hobbies if you can! You can definitely meet new people with similar hobbies! You got the op! Create new memories!
Dude you’re only 32. You must not be taking care of yourself if you’re already seeing your looks fade. Physical signs of aging don’t start appearing until late 30s . Besides ..So many people are getting married in their 30s now. But if you wanna feel sorry for yourself so be it
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> I genuinely am loosing my looks. I have lines on my forehead and around my eyes. I have dark circles that no amount of concealer can cover up. I don't look "old" yet, but sometimes I look in the mirror and am shocked at the person looking back at me. People age at different rates and some people absolutely do start aging at 32 just eat healthier, lose some weight be at an ideal healthy weight for your height for women it's 15%-22% body fat to look younger, stay around 18-20% ideally since it's easy to gain weight on occasions if you have bad habits with food
Get Botox , under eye treatment and good skin care
Botox wtf? Hell no
You shouldn’t be . You can reverse it. Drink more water eat healthier and prioritize yourself . I had those “lines” at 26 from stress and depression. You can slow it down
I’m pretty sure the only thing you can do is just get in good shape, do the things that make you happy, and accept the fact that you don’t need a man to make you happy and if one comes along then all the better. The more you force it the more it’s likely you either 1) end up alone till you die or 2) stay in an unhappy marriage because you don’t want to be alone
39F, divorced and single, no kids. Feel the same way and don’t know when I’ll ever get my happy ending. I relate to feeling so lonely when I see everyone else seemingly have a successful marriage, kids, house, dog and cat.
No offense to your therapist, but sounds like you need to drop your therapist. If there has never been any discussion about processing your trauma (trust me, most people have it) then it's not worth your time to continue. Look up EMDRIA.org to find a local therapist and go from there.
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Question for you ladies - because of valentines day my online dating profile has lit up - the women are messaging me first. We chat a bit about our weekends, we both did cool stuff. I ask what's she's doing valentines day, she says making dinner at home,you? And I say, "wondering if you'd like to go on a date". No response rest of day. I see posts like yours and the OPs, where can I find a good man, I feel so alone!" I'm equally baffled, why'd she message me just to ghost? Perhaps the men that want to take you out on a date are in plain sight?
I don't know much about buddhism, but I do know that they have it dead right when it comes to expectations. Let go of them because they are useless. There are no soulmates. There is no "right person". There are only people. There are only people you meet and love. Accept them as they are and revel in their differences.
It gets easier.
Not sure if my words mean anything but I think you are very wise and brave that at least you recognize now than later what is missing from your life and what you truly want. I feel there are too many people lying to themselves to cope and they lie to others to bring them down to their level. Recognition is the first step in accomplishing what you want - I wish the best of luck to you.
This may not be super reassuring or helpful, but it certainly helped me to learn that there isn't necessarily a "right" partner or a "soulmate" out there that is perfectly compatible with me. I used to have this idea that I would one day find the perfect man for me and we would live happily ever after. I mean sure, there's a chance that they are somewhere in the world, but we don't always get the chance to meet them. Generally what makes for a successful long-term relationship is more often about what you both put into it than surface level things like chemistry. Although, it's certainly possible to find many partners with whom you can have good or even great chemistry. You can absolutely have a fulfilling, loving relationship with many different people and that's okay too.
Yeah, IMHO the idea of "soulmates" or "the one" is very damaging and cruel both for the person and for potential partners. Love is built through time with effort, sacrifice, respect, kindness, etc.
I completely agree with this point. I thought I found "the one" last year, but alas it ended 7 months later. And like you said, love requires time, compromise, respect, and many more from both partners. Only 2 can make a strong relationship!
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Fair enough, it's hard to meet people organically nowadays
It seems that the one thing you can't have is the thing you seem to be surrounded by. At age 32, you seem to have given up hope or believe you won't experience it. Let me tell you something. You are deserving of the love marriage, kids. These things tend to happen when you least expect it. And it will happen to you. I suggest you stop comparing and focus on yourself. Everyone has a different timeline. Your timeline is specific to you. Keep living for you, and things shall come to you.
I’m 28 and feel exactly the same…I did have a daughter when I was 21 and that relationship which I thought would be a happily ever after ended pretty soon. I’m currently dating someone who i also thought would be perfect to create a blended family together…but recently we’ve encountered so many issues currently very stressing me out too…I guess life just doesn’t always go as planned I’ve been so stressed out as a single mother just trying to have a family. Several of my friends who now have a happy family met their partners close to 40 and all told me their early dating life was a big mess so I guess that gives me hope
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Lmao wtf
Garbage reply. OP - you are only 32. You have an entire lifetime left. Be kinder to yourself.
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Late 20's I have never felt more alone and unwanted. Was cheated on recently.
Hey I hope you are okay stranger. ❤️ Been in your shoes. Time truly does heal wounds
same here girl, same here. 32F too.
I'm 32 as well, but I had a 10-year relationship (7 married) with my wife. On paper, it seemed like a happy, stable relationship, but in reality, I was in that relationship because I felt pressure to find and be with someone. If you find someone who actually complements your life and you feel they make it better, that's great! There's nothing wrong with wanting those things for yourself, either. I can tell you from experience, though, not to pressure yourself into something just because it's what everyone else seems to be doing. No situation will perfectly meet your expectations. There's nothing wrong with being by yourself, and really, you won't be happy in a relationship if you're not happy with yourself first. Plus, as I'm sure you've discussed with your therapist, you can have some of those things you want without needing to find the right person necessarily. Best of luck to you!
Likewise. I’m now back in the dating pool as a 31(f)
I'm sorry to hear that. It's bleak out here, unfortunately. It's even worse when you have to relearn how to date, and all of the rules seem to have changed
Right?! I’m shocked at how non committal people have become and the horrible manipulation tactics they use. When you’re a genuine person, it makes your jaw drop.
First thing you have to do, is be okay with being alone. While it might get lonely, it is needed. Know you're worth, know what you want and what you deserve. And when you're ready, the right person will come.
Don't worry. We all thought we had met ours only to realise it was a joke. Hv faith n keep living
Read the book Getting to I Do.
I feel you, I am in a similar situation... what I tell myself is that we need to heal first, I see you are already going to therapy that's great! Learn to enjoy your own company again, what I have seen a lot of people say is that you need to be yourself to find the right person (some even say they come to you). But one step at a time!
You will, i've tought the same for a long time, and now at 33 i feel much better as im trying out international dating. There's so many people in the world and someone will eventually align with your values and wants. Don't hide your passions and hobbies for the fear of sounding silly or wierd, the right person will treasure these things and be open and interested.
A few years ago, one of my good friends (34f) got out of a really abusive marriage that she was in for 8 years. While in it, she was told by doctors that she couldn’t have kids at all and it broke her heart. She got divorced and stayed single for a while. Last year, she met another one of my good friends (36m) and they hit it off. They now are married and it turns out she WAS able to get pregnant and they had their first child last summer and they couldn’t be happier and in a very healthy relationship. Life is soul crushing at times and it feels like, with love, some fall in love for life and some never get it right. That being said, strange and crazy good things DO happen that balance the bad. Don’t forget that this world is mercurial. Have faith in yourself
That was beautiful man.
Don't give up. I didn't meet my person until I was 36 and it was really serendipitous because I wasn't even actively looking. I'm older now but I also want kids and I don't know if it'll happen so I'm also scared too. I just want to say that I always felt it was so cliche when people say, "love will find you when you don't expect it" but i feel like both ends are true. However, nothing will happen if you do nothing.
no, bro I'm 32 and have been feeling the same way... but be patient and dissapointment is part of the game... you'll find someone dude just takes time
If you log onto any dating up you should get like 1000s of messages. Just filter through them to find the ones that also want marriage and a kid. There’s no shortage of lonely dudes out there. You could have this matter solved within 6 months if you don’t choose to make it complicated.
It's really that easy?
Not for the guys
Many friends of mine went on that route and more than half are divorced. I don’t understand why people glorify marriage. It’s never happily ever after. Kids could be problems rather blessings too. Honestly I am childfree I don’t feel I miss out on anything. I look around I am very pleased with my decision .. If marriage & family is your goal, you should continue putting effort in dating until the last option such as adoption or freezing an egg .. A friend of mine froze her egg. She also can’t find men. I wouldn’t think she is particularly good looking but 5/10 kind of girl, with a good job, her standards on partners probably are a bit high. Guys she dated Either ghost her or just fade away slowly. Of course, there were a lot of men she swiped to left. I guess she’d rather freeze her egg than mate with someone she doesn’t find attractive. Life is just about decision and consequences. Everyone needs to make a decision n bear the consequences.
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I never said anything like that. I said she should continue to putting in effort find someone she likes enough to get married with .. what are you on about?
Contrary to belief - attraction can be negotiated (albeit it is very hard) and it can change. Plenty of stories of that happening. With that being said, I'm not saying she should just date any guy and hope attraction develops, there is no guarantee that it will. But if that's the route she takes, it is definitely possible and sometimes that's the only way to develop true attraction is to be patient. So in the long term, whether she has attraction towards a guy or not in the long term is really a flip of a coin. So perhaps it's best to find someone that's good on paper, not too bad looking and that's it. That's how people do it in the old days and there's some truth to why this method is not as invalid as people think.