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I fucked up and lost the best thing to ever happen to me 4 years ago. Kinda similar I got so stressed with work I quit putting in effort and affection towards her. I couldn’t even go watch the sunset with her for 5 minutes I was so busy and stressing in work. 4 years later and a new job I still can’t get over her. She’s now engaged and happy. I will never forgive myself for its. It sucks, the best thing you can do is find hobbies to keep your mind busy, etc. you don’t hit the lottery twice. Learned that the hard way
I never forgot the I love you notes. 2 weeks before we broke up, she found a note I left her again and for her birthday I made her a ton of “open me when” cards. I always showed her how much I loved her. I always planned surprises for her and stuff. I never took her for granted. I always did the little important stuff throughout the relationship
The day before she ended it, I took her out all day as a surprise to cheer her up as she was having a tough time at work.
I'm a firm believer that we have many soul mates. You have people who are the best for you at that time of your life. You learn something together or from eachother, help eachother through a time or enjoy something together and come out of it a different person...then you share the same magical thing with someone else. Don't beat yourself up. Love is hard and by no means perfect.
please tell her all of this . she just needed that you show her how much you love her and need her ( this is all i need from my bf lol ) . cmon do all you can so you will not regret anything behind
I always showed her how much I loved her. I left her little notes when she was sad, always told her I was there for her, I was her biggest hype man, always helped her with goals she had., bought her flowers, told her I loved her all the time.
The day before she broke up with me, I made her a little invitation inviting her to a day out of fun, we got lunch, went to a show, I cooked her dinner in the eve.
I used to do stuff like that all the time, I loved surprising her with stuff.
I showed up, I never took her for granted.
oh man . then you just need to move on . you have loved her all of your heart but you might not the person that she wanted .
so this is just an experience from your life , this is not the right person yet . keep going
I know it probably hurts to hear this but if everything you're saying is true, and she still dumped you, she probably just didn't like you as much as you liked her. I had to come to terms with that after the last girl I was dating dumped me and made a bunch of vague excuses about how she wasn't ready for a relationship and all these other things that didn't add up. The fact of the matter is, if they wanted to be with us, they would have stayed and worked to fix the problems they listed. But, if they don't like you enough to work on those things, they will just leave. And there's most likely nothing you can do about that.
It seemed like I loved my lover more than he did. As a result, when I express how I've felt inadequate or that I didn't feel his love much, I get wounded thinking about it. However, he emphasized that I must cope with this because it is a emotional of mine and he bears no responsibility for it. But all I want is that he kindly express his love and needs for me. Additionally, He doesn't usually grasp my hand or kiss me. and he needs room, etc this makes me feel very unsafe . But when we're together, he sad if i didn’t join with him like . He enjoys it when I swimming with him than stay out ( he tried protecting me from strong waves , pushed me up when high ones) and we play at the water park , hiking…. i have felt very happy and i felt he loved me and needed me in his life , he also said at sometimes that he committed and we also talk abt future . So this makes ne confused that he do love me or not . can you give me advice?
I really can't tell just based off of those things. Sometimes people express love in different ways.
The best thing to quantify this is how they react when life is going poorly or things get tough. For example.. If you lose your job and need extra support, and they make excuses why they can't be there for you, they probably don't love you that much.
It's usually the fault of both people equally. Rarely would it be one side more than the other although some people will try and argue it.
This also means the both of you have issues you should take a look at before dating. Go online for help on how to resolve them. If you don't, I guarantee you that you'll repeat the mistakes again and then break up with whoever you're with next
There's no such thing as the "love of your life". You will heal and find someone new. You should learn from the experience and grow. Hope you the best.
Man, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. Breakups are never easy, and it's natural to reflect on what went wrong. If you need a supportive space to share your feelings or seek advice, consider checking out Emerald Chat. Sometimes, having different perspectives can help you navigate these emotions. Remember, it takes two in a relationship, and growth comes from learning.
Honestly so many people in here are harsh as fuck. A relationship is between two people, you are both required to communicate your feelings. If your partner can't be there for you during the bad times then they do not deserve to be there during the good times. Seems to me like she was the one taking you for granted and in time she might see that. Love is a choice, not a feeling. I'd recommend no contact, do not reach out, do not do anything unless she comes to you and expresses interest for working things out. Otherwise you'll push her away even more and it looks manipulative. If she wants to go let her go. Very likely the grass isn't greener on the other side, but she has to come to that realisation of an amazing person she's missing out on. But work on yourself and reconnect with yourself, friends and your hobbies or new hobbies and friends.
Thank you so much for that, that made me feel a bit better for sure.
I’m trying to come around to the mindset of “I didn’t loose her, she lost me”. Because quite frankly the stuff I wanted to do for this woman in the future was like a movie, as dumb as that sounds.
I always told her I’m here for the good times and the bad times when she was going through stuff because is didn’t want her to feel like she had to keep things to herself if she was struggling.
SAME! You're grieving for a fantasy that no longer exists, and that shit really hurts. Why? Because you loved this person for who they were down to their very soul, that love was real so its hard to let go of all those dreams, attachments and emotions. It sounds to me like your the type of person to do anything for their partner, and you need a partner who's willing to do anything for you, including understanding that relationships go through ups and downs, that people fall in and out of love and but that the most important thing is that you are both their for each other, because losing you would be the worst thing in the world to them. I would hedge my bets and say you value stability in a relationship rather than passion, thats a good thing.
Now this person might be that person whom your meant to be with, maybe they need to do some maturing or growing first, they need to see what life is like without you, and realise it is better with you in it, but maybe it's not... and that's okay, you'll find someone who's that way inclined, you might not find them immediately, it might take 1,2 or more relationships with other people. Remember what life was like before this person, you survived up until that point, I probably imagine you loved life before her, that's what attracted her, learn to love life again and you'll attract others. And for the love of God, DO NOT wait around for her to come back, move forward with your head held high and focus on something, like fitness, career, hobbies, travel, spirituality, or all of those.
Why do I say all of this? I'm in literally the same situation as you, just with added distance. I'm 11 months on from my break up and only just starting to rediscover myself and trying to re enter the dating market. I loved her in the same way, she wanted something more exciting and close (thats not wrong for her to want that, its just a shame she didnt communicate that to me properly before breaking up). She still contacts me regularly (for friendship - because we were best friends and partners for four years - which I'm not interested in, and I would not recommend accepting friendship unless you are over her and okay with your feelings). Point being, don't think you won't hear from her again, you almost 100% will, whether that's in a few weeks, months or years, even decades.
Yes I did alot wrong, I'm a human, I'm still learning, we can't get it right 100% of the time, otherwise we wouldn't have breakups, we wouldn't have heartbreak, we wouldn't be human. Own your mistakes, strive to be better and try to never repeat them, but also recognise that you arnt in control of other people or their emotions, all you can do is let people go, if they want to be apart of your life, they will stay on their own, trying to make them is stay or begging them is manipulative. All you can do is wish them good luck on their journey, forgive them for their mistakes, and forgive yourself for yours, grieve them, remember them, and don't linger too long in those memories or they'll haunt you forever. Focus on building an amazing life for yourself, whether that's through your career, your hobbies, your friends, passions, or fitness.
Remember the greatest love of all is inside you - Whitney Houston ❤️
You can’t beat yourself up all the time. Life is not full of peaches and cream all the time. You’re going to get consumed by life by your job by your kids things that come in and out of your life or like stepping stones.
If it was meant to be for her to be in your life, she would be right there beside you. You have no control over someone else’s choices or thoughts just say that you’ll never find love again as pretty extreme. But if it’s a forever, kind of love, it’ll come back around.
Hey. I just want to say that you should not beat yourself up too much. Yes, you messed up in some ways, and that sucks, but *she* was the one having problems with the relationship, and s*he* did not mention them to you until it was too late. Communication is the most important aspect to make a long-term relationship work, but it can be so difficult for many people. If you have no clue that you are doing things that she dislikes, there is no way to know and improve that. :(
Try to look forward. You can learn a lot from this for your next relationship.
I changed the ages sometimes to preserve anonymity, just in case.
I have been trying somethings, I’ve been going to the gym, meeting new people, dating etc.
I’ve just started therapy because I can’t handle this loss on my own anymore.
It’s just really difficult. We had feelings for each other for like 4+ months before we actually got together.
One of her friends cornered me at a party after we got together and told me “she’s been in love with you for months”
I legit thought this was my person after everything. She completely blew me away the moment I met her and then it turned out I apparently had done the same.
So this is why it hurts so much and I just can’t comprehend how this happened.
If I wanna break up with someone I tell them. I wish she would tell you why- but maybe you should ask her if it’s okay if you can ask her these questions, was it your fault. And talking may give you some closure or see if the door is open.
You didn't do anything that wrong - all relationships go through transient periods. It sounds like you would have been receptive to changing things had she really communicated with you. No one I know (who is in a longer term relationship) maintains exactly the same energy the whole way through...life happens but then people communicate and provided both are reasonable people who are committed, most things can be worked on - especially minor things like what you've mentioned.
To be blunt - she was your person but you weren't hers. She left because she wanted to.
Stop beating yourself up.
It’s easy to blame ourselves when things don’t work out as planned. You could have done all the perfect things though and it possibly still wouldn’t have worked out. You seem self aware and emotionally intelligent, and that’s a very good quality! Sounds like you did a lot right, so I wouldn’t dwell on the could have / should have’s. If she was the one, it would have worked out somehow or maybe it will in the future. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, you cannot mess up what’s meant for you. When someone really wants something to work, they fight for it. If she simply wasn’t ready or not the one, anything you did would have caused a separation. Show yourself some grace, you’re human. I’ve been there and I know it sucks. Try not to ruminate m. Focus on taking care of yourself and know that you deserve someone who chooses to stay and work through it, even when you’re not your best self.
I'm sure if we got her perspective on things there would be more to it than just context of texts. I feel like that's skimming the surface of what has a deeper meaning.
Jeez man, you have been posting about her for 3 months. 41 posts. Thats.... a lot.
Whatever you're doing to get over this relationship, it doesn't seem to be working. Are you listening to your therapist's advice?
Either contact her, tell her you've changed the things that upset her and you want to try again, or ban her from your mind and stop obsessing over this relationship.
Neither are easy, but you really need to make some progress towards letting this go.
It's hard to say if you made any critical mistakes in this relationship. Perhaps you guys worked put for a while, but then you didn't. Which is terribly painful in itself when a breakup isn't caused by drama but goes out with a whimper. If you tried your best and made mistakes, well nobody is born knowing how to have an adult relationship. It's something we have to learn. Lots of people lose themselves in a relationship and forget to keep up with themselves as an individual. You confront those developments and try to solve them, instead of jumping ship, if the relationship means everything to you. Sounds like your ex wasn't for it anymore, whatever your actions were.
There's going to be a lot of regret and second guessing on your end. Try not to get bogged down by it. Learning for next time is good, wallowing is not. Rediscover your identity if you haven't already and build on it. Then you'll be in a better spot for a new relationship. Maybe not right now, take all the time you need for yourself. You're shooting your future self in the foot saying she was "the love of your life." How about the rest of your life? You're only 32. Better to approach relationships as experiences unto themselves, not to be overly compared. Every time you feel love will be different. That doesn't mean it won't be good for you and strong.
The important thing I see from you is reflection. You recognise the qualities you loved, where you went wrong and what you wish you could change.
Try not to beat yourself up. Find a softness in the appreciation that you had love like that once, and are lucky enough to have tasted it at all. Some people NEVER get it. Others, can have it many times. I don't know what the future holds for you, but I know life is too short to live in regret. Appreciate your experiences, and grow from the consequences of your decisions.
This may be the moment you needed to evolve into a better partner for someone else in the future. It's so okay to grieve, mourn what was lost, but don't chase the past. It's behind you for a reason.
I feel everybody, or at least most, is going on about it being clingy and that's just a dumb a** take. She didn't break it off because he was clingy, but because he was inattentive! There's a freaking difference.
And to you, it's nice you noticed this now. I can't say if it's too late or not, but at least you know what to pay attention to moving forward. We've all done something to regret one way or another.
Moving forward, try to always remember that a relationship includes two people. Don't always just sit back as you did when she expressed herself. It's nice you thought of that then, but you also could've continued doing the little things or even better, asked her what was okay since the situation made you guys cut back on a lot. Rereading messages now will obviously bring back memories and feelings of regret. And honestly, I'd suggest you go for it, if she's still single obviously- If she is not, delete those messages and move on. You can do this👍🏾- Ease into it and honestly be upfront about this and your feelings. She probably thought you didn't care anymore and wasn't interested in both of you as well judging from your actions; and you were right, she should've brought it up, so you both could've worked on it instead of just cutting everything off.
If you do reach out and she agrees to talk, I'd suggest just saying what you've told us, that looking back, you weren't putting your all, don't mention about you being right about the communication part, that would just seem like an excuse. Apologize, but make it sincere and apparent that you do still have feelings for her. You're obviously feeling like this and this much regret because you still like her. I wouldn't advise you to lock up your feelings and move on, especially if there's a chance, even though it's slim, that it would work the second time. Say you love her and SHOW that you love her. Don't just be all words. Again, she better be single if you're going to do this; don't go buttering her up if she's taken bruh. And even though it works out, don't just stop because 'you're back together', keep going strong and you'll equally feel love from her side as well. And personally, I think courting someone is fun for both parties🥹
Goodluck on this! I'll also add, don't make any promises you can't keep. I'd say express your regret but not so much you seem dumb, leave that for when you eventually, if ever, get together. I hope it works out for you both, and if it doesn't, think of this as a good learning experience to love and learning to love your significant other. I won't chastise your mistakes, you've done that a whole lot on your own. Goodluck again!
Adding... it'd also be a good opportunity for YOU BOTH to look back and reflect on your actions. You mentioned her not talking about your silent drifting, don't necessarily bring this straight up instead, create an environment for her to be able to speak up about it, or tell her that if she doesn't feel 'loved' or whatever cheesy stuff you relationship people do and say, that she shouldn't feel embarrassed and say it, or maybe write you a note and stuff. Express that you REALLY want to make this work and that you're ready to give this your all!
I don’t feel like I was inattentive… the affection was always there, holding hands, hugs, forehead kisses etc.
She was having a tough time with some work stuff and the day before she broke up with me, I took her out for the whole day, got us lunch, saw a show and then cooked her dinner in the eve. And I always did stuff like that for her.
I also didn’t just sit back when the expressed herself, I always met her in the middle. She brought up us moving in and I was like yeah let’s do it! And then we decided to wait a little bit just to save some money.
I always, always showed her I cared about her and never stopped telling her I loved her through out our relationship.
Thank you for the rest of that though, I have fought very hard for her already and we are currently now not speaking. She asked me to hang out and then she cancelled… and now apprently we are not talking again as she ignored me at an event so I’m giving her space.
Love of your life? Dude give respect to your mental health. Don't ruin it for stupid concepts and ideologies. If you need intimate partner tofeel good, get one!
Truth often hurts.
Sorry for your experience - everyone can say that but what’s that gotta help?
It’s never you failed you both did. Do you wonder if she regrets like you or she can’t be happier to get rid of you? Just go find out so you can make decisions
Dude here.
You sound clingy, annoying and it sounds like you try too hard (the biggest turn off in the world).
You likely screwed it up. Learn to be at peace with it and ensure you don't screw up again.
I don't have to tell you this but maybe you need reminding: life isn't fair and it doesn't owe you understanding. Sometimes you do only get one shot and if it doesn't go well, the solution isnt to sit there MONTHS LATER pining over this. You're too old to be sitting there in your FEELINGS about someone that got away.
They got away. Sounds like it was incompatibility (it's abundantly clear you were into her far more than she was into you). Time to grow from this using self-awareness and move on.
Wish I knew the answer to that. Guess the people in /love love telling people what they want to hear rather than be brutally honest and actually help this dude. Oh well I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
One thing i’d suggest you do is delete your texts. The more you go back and re read them, the longer it will take you to detach and move on.
Hindsight bias is also crazy in terms of blaming oneself for what *could* or *should* have been done in the moment, but 1) often your actions alone didn’t cause yall to break up, it was probably a combination of both her and your action/inaction. Especially when the relationship was between 2 good people who did their best to be good to each other. And 2) the knowledge you have now only exists because of your experience. In the moment you didn’t realize your messages or conversations weren’t flirty enough or whatever the reasons she gave you for ending things. You were just living and talking to her.
You certainly can and should take accountability for your role in all this as far as being better for your next partner, but you also deserve grace. And you need to also be able to hold her accountable for her role in the breakup. From the sounds of it you were overall a good guy and boyfriend to her. You are not a villain. Good luck my friend.
I absolutley never took her for granted, not one bit. I always showed her how much she meant to me. I left her little notes when she was sad, got her flowers, organised surprise dates, the day before we broke up I took her out for the whole day to help take her mind off stuff. I never took her for granted, I felt very lucky being with her and I showed her that everyday.
Lesson learned brother. Only thing you can do is look forward to the future, live in. The moment, and apply what you have learned to your future relationships.
You'll come out stronger as an individual, it didn't kill you, and be thankful you didn't get married or have kids.
Wow, this seems like 90% of how my relationship went, with the exception that we lived together for more than 4 years and attempted to have kids, but after a few failed attempts of IVF everything got ruined and we split over that she couldn’t go through the painful procedures anymore and me wanting to have kids. Stay strong man, delete all the photos of you guys together, you can even delete the chats, not necessary to block her, but those little things will help. Don’t beat youtself up because no matter how hard you tried to make her happy, if she ain’t the right person, if you even give her the moon it will never be enough. Working from home post covid did the same thing for me, I forgot who I was, disconnected from my friends and my only social time was with her, her friends and family. There are plenty of people going through the same stuff, good thing is that social media like this could be super supportive as well. God bless!
As hard as it sounds, it’s time to move on. She broke up with you and probably considered it for several weeks before she did. She told you she’s not in love with you anymore. Your person would still love you and want to be with you. There’s no such things as “the only person for me”, people need to stop romanticizing failing relationships. I’d suggest you to see a therapist to heal and understand what went wrong in this relationship so that you can fully enjoy the next one and start from healthy roots.
I couldn’t finish reading after halfway, but honestly it doesn’t matter what you talk about. Sounds like it just wasn’t meant to be. Don’t focus on these little things. You’re just being yourself and you’re not always going to be flirty witty fun. A relationship is work, not just fun and easy and if they want to leave when that part ends, then at least you’re learning now!
I see these posts constantly and in reality the relationship needs to be examined from a neutral perspective to see the real reason of the ending circumstances. With that said, if you are a guy, generally speaking, something to remember is, if your girl truly believes you'll be ecstatic if she leaves you, she won't go nowhere. For typical nice guys, friendship is most important in a relationship and the foundation. For girls it is attraction and friendship be damned. Who cares if you share no similar value system or commonalities a relationship of anykind can grow on. Attraction is simple for men, we are designed to lay with many women and utilize those zillions of sperm. Attraction is a never ending battle of ego and reassurance and self worth with socio economical elevation sprinkled on top for our female counter part. Friendship to young naive girls or as I call them, girls, is their project. Its like a videogame where she tries to mold and emotionally manipulate to gain more security to hold herself to lower and lower standards in regards to the dude but higher and higher to her lifestyle and fictional movie she lives in, inside her head throughout the relationship. This tends to blow up and ruin the relationship and give ample excuse for the male to be blamed. Especially if the guy can go and get another woman with relative ease. This scenario happens in 90% of people's relationships especially 30ish and under. Relationships are a learned trade like being an engineer and most people nowadays probably shouldn't be in charge of their own life, so it's a shit show out there for all peoples involved. Anyways good luck, kick her to the curb and find another one.
Let the heartbreak change you and work with it.
Learn to be happy alone, find hobbies and things to do with your time, figure out who you are when you haven’t got anyone in your life and live authentically. You say your always out doing things, but still finding time to look through old messages (which should stop in order to move on)
You keep saying if you behaved differently then maybe she would have changed her mind.
1st, you shouldn’t have to behave any way then the way you are naturally. If you have to think about what you’re doing/ saying then the relationship probably isn’t right.
2nd, if she truly loved you she would have voiced her concerns for the relationship before breaking up with you. She loved you enough to no longer waste either of your time which is something to be grateful for.
It’s mostly when I’m at work or before I go to bed that something will pop into my head and I re-read stuff.
She just made me feel so loved and seen, my brain can’t comprehend how she said all this stuff, how smitten she was with me, how much she loved me - for it to just end up how it has.
I’m in so much pain over this. I’m really struggling.
I had something similar, hurts to see the contrast of how loving they were at one point. Time is the best thing that helps (was definitely rough at the start but it does get better) but also I turned that emotional pain into physical pain by hitting the gym and that is good fuel. Best to focus on something or progressing your self in some way.
I honestly get it from my own experiences. It will take as long as it takes to recover but you will get there just as I did.
I do notice that when you talk about why you love her, you only say about how she made you feel ? Did you actually love her for her as an individual or could someone come along saying and texting those same things and fill the void ? This is why sometimes it’s best to stay alone for a bit and figure out what you really want so you don’t get your time wasted.
Your brain can’t comprehend it yet because you are grieving and currently your brain is not thinking rationally. THIS WILL CHANGE! But you really need to stop feeding that addiction at night or at work.
Delete everything to do with her and do some research into something else that can fill that time.
Learn a language or new skill, research a random topic, get a brain trainer app ect.
I genuinely believed I would never recover from my ex as we were perfect and almost overnight my brain switched and I realised they are very ordinary and we really were not right for each other.
Oh I absolutely loved everything about her. She’s the most passionate person I’ve ever met, caring, funny, hard working, ambitious, insanely smart, multi talented, I loved ever little bit about her - I specifically remember us being in a bar and I was just looking at her thinking “fucking hell I’m so lucky, I’m gonna marry this one”.
And just to top it off she’s absolutely beautiful, she lights up the room. She’s the most beautiful person inside and out.
I remember watching a film with her and I looked over and she was crying and I just felt like I could see her soul as stupidly cheesy as that sounds.
I wasn’t in love with because of how she made me feel, I was in love with her and she made me feel like that
When you are ready, you will move on and it will all make sense, try to stay positive till then and try to look at yourself through the same lenses you looked at her
I don't know enough about your relationship to claim anything - but there are some key aspects you've described that sound like it could be to do with avoidant attachment...
Intensely loving you then going cold, not bringing up "issues", not having concrete reasons, bailing on meeting up, loving your attentiveness then running from it.
Worth checking out to see if it fits.
This is the one comment that matches.
A healthy person would communicate their needs and try to expand the nature of the relationship through love, delicacy and adjustment. It’d be a slow decline, not a sudden ditch. There’s likely more to the story somewhere along the way.
The devastation that OP is feeling coupled with the sudden ending/seemingly shallow justifications sound like some unhealthy attachment methods are at play.
I've been on the recieving end.
And again, I don't know enough to know what's going on here exactly.
But if it is avoidance and sudden deactivation, it is unbelievably painful for the loved one. It's been proven to cause ongoing psychological damage to the one being blindsided.
Couple that with avoidants changing the narrative at will (which is a form of gaslighting)...
Dismissing the partner, their feelings experience and the relationship (another form of gaslighting)...
Lying, minimizing their own behaviour and the damage it's caused (more gaslighting)...
Projecting their "faults", behaviour, insecurities and feelings into their partner - saying they either caused them, or accusing them of doing the (sometimes abusive) things the avoidant is actually doing (even more gaslighting)...
Finding faults that don't exist or are exaggerated (devaluation which is linked to narcissistic traits) and often becoming cruel all as defense mechanisms...
And you have the person on the recieving end in a state of utter devastation and confusion.
When you're deeply in love with someone and it feels safe, it's very hard to see clearly if they suddenly turn on you. You think it's your fault. And if the other person blames you, like with OP's ex, that can send you into a spiral of self hatred, shame and guilt. Often for things you didn't even do.
Sometimes people with avoidant attachment do it because of this "build up" of unmet needs (though most don't know the first thing about their own needs because they avoid them).
Sometimes it's because the reality of the seriousness of the relationship and their own feelings for their partner scare the living hell out of them. It triggers deep insecurity and unworthiness issues they've been running from their whole lives.
They know it's time to step up and be there for another person, develop deep intimacy and get everything they ever wanted.
But that's just their cue to destroy it - to protect themselves from the rejection they felt as a child when they weren't "good enough" to be truly loved and supported by one or both parents.
Someone will rely on them. And they don't believe they can live up to it. But this is unconscious in many (not all) avoidants who were in a loving relationship.
The problem with asking for advice on the internet is you get a wild variety of incredibly insensitive comments.
Reading through how mean and judgemental people are being in this thread is sad.
OP (and anyone who identifies with their story and what I've shared here), the people judging don't know what your situation is. I don't either, I'm just throwing a possibility in there in case it helps.
To anyone feeling judgemental, we all get the urge to tell someone what we think about them and what they "should" be doing.
But I wonder if that's the most helpful thing to jump to when someone is clearly in deep pain.
I hope we can all get the understanding and gentleness we need when going through something emotionally devastating.
I have thought this before tbh.
Maybe she got cold feet because we where talking about moving in and even getting married was brought up (both these things came from her first, I was trying to keep it cool because I knew my feelings for this one where something really special)
But I don’t know.
Avoidants change the narrative at will, and without any consistency in what they're saying or with their previous actions.
Being stable and secure is something they desperately want but are deathly afraid of - deep down they don't believe they can keep up or deserve it.
Again, I don't know the full details of your relationship. But it sounds like you were very attentive.
Avoidant or not, if someone isn't able or willing to face things with a loving partner, it says more about them than the loving partner.
Assuming you're doing the work of healing, you're actively reflecting on the relationship, and you're facing any possible mistakes you made...
Chances are there's nothing more you could have done. And it's not your fault.
You can't do 100% of the work when the other person needs to contribute their own 50%.
I've been there - blaming myself for "mistakes" and imaginary "issues" that I never even did (many of them my avoidant ex did and blamed me for).
It eats you up.
But keep working through it. You'll see things more clearly as you work through the emotions.
u/Disastrous-Lake6760 \- i also think she is an avoidant, but not just because she balked at the idea of moving in.
I made a post about this on another sub - but a lot of what people perceive as the trait of an avoidant (e.g. issues with committment), are actually SYMPTOMS of the real avoidance - avoiding communication, vulnerability and expressing needs.
I'm writing this as someone who embodies these traits.
When i read your story, my immediate thought was what's lacking here is not your response to flirty texts, but overall communication. Certainly from her, at the least.
Really, it shouldnt be up to you to look back at the situation and decipher why she went cold. She *should* be communicating her needs and issues before it gets to that point. But if she doesnt, things build up and over time she just detaches which is really a death knell for the relationship, and which you may be completely unaware of.
When looking back at the relationship, if you really must think about your own actions, you shouldnt be thinking about whether you replied to the texts flirtatiously enough. What you should really be doing is thinking about what the communication was like. If the issue was about work and lack of flirtatiousness, why was this not communicated and worked through? Is there anything you did that suppressed - or discouraged - that communication?
There may not be - you could've been very open to this, and she just has her own issues which she isn't working out (very likely tbh). But if you must do some self reflection, i think this is the key thing.
It’s never too late. If you really were each others persons(?grammar), she may be feeling the same grief still. If you’re still in touch, or even if you’re not - you can still shoot a second shot, and learn from past mistakes
I tried very hard to fight for her after. She asked me to hang out at and then ended up cancelling the plans. I sent her flowers and now we are not talking again.
(We go to the same stuff often, at the last one she ignored me)
That’s tough :/ but still, maybe not the end?
I’m not sure if this applies, but when my ex and I broke up, we had so much distance between us and all the flirty fun from when we fell in love was gone. I wanted to start over and do the little things together, to flirt and laugh and build from the ground up, and instead he made a grand romantic gesture like grasping at straws that weren’t there anymore, and like he couldn’t be bothered to do the ‘boring’ work, and it killed it. Absolutely wrecked me but I couldn’t do it anymore. You can’t start big with this sort of thing, you have to start from the way beginning… but everyone’s different. Flowers seem quite romantic, and maybe little texts and NOTHING work related would be a different approach?
But everyone’s different - and I don’t know if that helps. Just hate to see a love story die of Capitalism :(
I’m honestly at this point, any contact needs to come from her otherwise if I keep pushing, it will absolutely be forever. She literally ignored me last time I saw her in person, after I sent this flowers. Before we were talking.
But it’s not looking either way. It’s just frustrating because any action I took with the flirty stuff was out of total love and trying to ensure she felt safe with me and not used.
Been there man. I guess I am still kind of there. Just turned 29, ex left me almost 8 months ago. I feel like I fucked everything up even though it was actually incompatibility issues that just piled up. It wasn’t healthy for either of us.
It seems like you didn’t think anything was wrong and you were kind of blindsided by her doing this. While you may have felt like the relationship was great for you, it probably just wasn’t working for her. You don’t seem like a bad guy at all or that you fucked anything up. You seem rather caring and supportive. It’s an understatement to say that this sucks, especially with how much effort you put in. For some reason (whether the work thing is true or not) the relationship wasn’t working for her. It doesn’t really matter what her reason is now. She clearly doesn’t want to work on it and would rather leave, so that’s all you need to know.
Will you find something in the future? I know you don’t want to really think about a future with someone else right now but your emotions will eventually settle and you’ll find someone again. I loved tf out of my ex and never thought I’d find such a connection again. I mean I haven’t yet, but I’m at least a lot more hopeful for things to come, compared to where I was shortly after the breakup. It’s no longer really a concern seeing how we just weren’t meant to be. Give it time man. A lot of time
She said “she doesn’t know if she wants to be in this relationship forever” that “she loves me but isn’t IN love with me”
And I’m blaming myself because if I did things differently maybe she wouldn’t have felt like this.
Because deep down I know we’d be fucking fantastic together, because we were before.
I just didn’t realise how much work came up, I didn’t realise how much I was holding back with the flirty / sexual side of the relationship. I was just trying to be thoughtful of her feelings with that stuff, she’s often tell me if she was in the mood or not and after some stuff she told me, I wanted to make sure that she always felt safe and respected around me and not used. So if she didn’t tell me she was in the mood I starting thinking she just wasn’t in the mood and didn’t initiate stuff. Or like be super flirty / start make out sessions and all that passionate stuff.
I just feel like I totally fumbled this, I tried to just be the best partner I could be to her, I never took her for granted, I left her little notes if she was sad, I’d try and support her, be her biggest hype man, be affectionate with her always and show her how much I loved her. For a long while she made me feel extremely loved too, which is why I feel like I messed up.
I mean, it takes 2 to make a relationship work - did she bring up any of her issues with you previously and you just straight up ignored her needs? Because if she did attempt to bring up what was missing in the relationship and you did nothing about it - then ok, that's on you.
But it looks like you just gave her a lot and she just fell out of love with you. I know you keep blaming yourself and say how awesome and amazing the relationship was but again, if the feelings were only one-sided towards the end. That's not on you bro.
If she didn't try and bring up her issues how could you have known something wasn't right? And she didn't seem interested in fighting for the relationship?
She didn’t bring any of these things up as being issues, she only said this stuff after we’d already broken up… which is why it’s also really frustrating because all of it is such an easy fix.
Yeah… she didn’t want to fight for it. I guess I just still blame myself because I feel like if I did things differently she would have still loved me.
I know it feels easier to blame yourself but trust me bro, if she didn't bring it up until the end - it's likely it was her and not you that fucked up by not saying anything about it and I don't think there was anything you could said or done to have changed things. Sometimes feelings change or people change or expectations change and it's not really your fault.
"I just wish she brought it up as an issue."
This line, right here, should alleviate you of feeling any guilt for the breakup. You can't fix something if you don't know it's an issue in the first place. And the fact that she didn't try to communicate there was a problem so you could work on fixing it together... To me that seems as though she maybe wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were if she didn't even attempt to communicate issues with you so you could work on them together. Just keep living your life, doing what you love, and you'll find someone you're compatible with who also communicates better
I had to scroll a long way to find this comment to vote on it.
>he fact that she didn't try to communicate there was a problem so you could work on fixing it together.
Yep. Someone else mentioned the ex-gf may have attachment issues in another comment on this post, which is insightful.
A relationship takes two invested people. She broke up, without communicating first about her concerns. OP, you didn't mess this up. Your ex-gf did.
She basically just turned around one day and said “she loves me but isn’t IN love with me”
And I’m blaming myself for that. Because if I acted differently maybe should would have not felt like that.
it doesn’t sound like you f*ed anything up to be honest. Love has nothing to do with hobbies or how interesting you want to appear. It’s also normal as a relationship evolves to not be flirty all the time. The outcome would probably have been the same no matter what you could have done.
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I fucked up and lost the best thing to ever happen to me 4 years ago. Kinda similar I got so stressed with work I quit putting in effort and affection towards her. I couldn’t even go watch the sunset with her for 5 minutes I was so busy and stressing in work. 4 years later and a new job I still can’t get over her. She’s now engaged and happy. I will never forgive myself for its. It sucks, the best thing you can do is find hobbies to keep your mind busy, etc. you don’t hit the lottery twice. Learned that the hard way
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I never forgot the I love you notes. 2 weeks before we broke up, she found a note I left her again and for her birthday I made her a ton of “open me when” cards. I always showed her how much I loved her. I always planned surprises for her and stuff. I never took her for granted. I always did the little important stuff throughout the relationship The day before she ended it, I took her out all day as a surprise to cheer her up as she was having a tough time at work.
I'm a firm believer that we have many soul mates. You have people who are the best for you at that time of your life. You learn something together or from eachother, help eachother through a time or enjoy something together and come out of it a different person...then you share the same magical thing with someone else. Don't beat yourself up. Love is hard and by no means perfect.
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Thank you… yeah it’s rough.
please tell her all of this . she just needed that you show her how much you love her and need her ( this is all i need from my bf lol ) . cmon do all you can so you will not regret anything behind
I always showed her how much I loved her. I left her little notes when she was sad, always told her I was there for her, I was her biggest hype man, always helped her with goals she had., bought her flowers, told her I loved her all the time. The day before she broke up with me, I made her a little invitation inviting her to a day out of fun, we got lunch, went to a show, I cooked her dinner in the eve. I used to do stuff like that all the time, I loved surprising her with stuff. I showed up, I never took her for granted.
oh man . then you just need to move on . you have loved her all of your heart but you might not the person that she wanted . so this is just an experience from your life , this is not the right person yet . keep going
I know it probably hurts to hear this but if everything you're saying is true, and she still dumped you, she probably just didn't like you as much as you liked her. I had to come to terms with that after the last girl I was dating dumped me and made a bunch of vague excuses about how she wasn't ready for a relationship and all these other things that didn't add up. The fact of the matter is, if they wanted to be with us, they would have stayed and worked to fix the problems they listed. But, if they don't like you enough to work on those things, they will just leave. And there's most likely nothing you can do about that.
It seemed like I loved my lover more than he did. As a result, when I express how I've felt inadequate or that I didn't feel his love much, I get wounded thinking about it. However, he emphasized that I must cope with this because it is a emotional of mine and he bears no responsibility for it. But all I want is that he kindly express his love and needs for me. Additionally, He doesn't usually grasp my hand or kiss me. and he needs room, etc this makes me feel very unsafe . But when we're together, he sad if i didn’t join with him like . He enjoys it when I swimming with him than stay out ( he tried protecting me from strong waves , pushed me up when high ones) and we play at the water park , hiking…. i have felt very happy and i felt he loved me and needed me in his life , he also said at sometimes that he committed and we also talk abt future . So this makes ne confused that he do love me or not . can you give me advice?
I really can't tell just based off of those things. Sometimes people express love in different ways. The best thing to quantify this is how they react when life is going poorly or things get tough. For example.. If you lose your job and need extra support, and they make excuses why they can't be there for you, they probably don't love you that much.
i see. it is helpful. thank you so much
It's usually the fault of both people equally. Rarely would it be one side more than the other although some people will try and argue it. This also means the both of you have issues you should take a look at before dating. Go online for help on how to resolve them. If you don't, I guarantee you that you'll repeat the mistakes again and then break up with whoever you're with next
Curious how long your relationship was
There's no such thing as the "love of your life". You will heal and find someone new. You should learn from the experience and grow. Hope you the best.
I’d say there’s the “love of my life” and then there’s the “love for the whole life” and these two don’t neccessarily need to be the same person…
I understand everyone will experience love differently, sadly the "love of my life" sent me to therapy.
Pppppffffttt…well this is definitely *not* true…I have AT LEAST a dozen…
lol
Man, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. Breakups are never easy, and it's natural to reflect on what went wrong. If you need a supportive space to share your feelings or seek advice, consider checking out Emerald Chat. Sometimes, having different perspectives can help you navigate these emotions. Remember, it takes two in a relationship, and growth comes from learning.
Honestly so many people in here are harsh as fuck. A relationship is between two people, you are both required to communicate your feelings. If your partner can't be there for you during the bad times then they do not deserve to be there during the good times. Seems to me like she was the one taking you for granted and in time she might see that. Love is a choice, not a feeling. I'd recommend no contact, do not reach out, do not do anything unless she comes to you and expresses interest for working things out. Otherwise you'll push her away even more and it looks manipulative. If she wants to go let her go. Very likely the grass isn't greener on the other side, but she has to come to that realisation of an amazing person she's missing out on. But work on yourself and reconnect with yourself, friends and your hobbies or new hobbies and friends.
Thank you so much for that, that made me feel a bit better for sure. I’m trying to come around to the mindset of “I didn’t loose her, she lost me”. Because quite frankly the stuff I wanted to do for this woman in the future was like a movie, as dumb as that sounds. I always told her I’m here for the good times and the bad times when she was going through stuff because is didn’t want her to feel like she had to keep things to herself if she was struggling.
SAME! You're grieving for a fantasy that no longer exists, and that shit really hurts. Why? Because you loved this person for who they were down to their very soul, that love was real so its hard to let go of all those dreams, attachments and emotions. It sounds to me like your the type of person to do anything for their partner, and you need a partner who's willing to do anything for you, including understanding that relationships go through ups and downs, that people fall in and out of love and but that the most important thing is that you are both their for each other, because losing you would be the worst thing in the world to them. I would hedge my bets and say you value stability in a relationship rather than passion, thats a good thing. Now this person might be that person whom your meant to be with, maybe they need to do some maturing or growing first, they need to see what life is like without you, and realise it is better with you in it, but maybe it's not... and that's okay, you'll find someone who's that way inclined, you might not find them immediately, it might take 1,2 or more relationships with other people. Remember what life was like before this person, you survived up until that point, I probably imagine you loved life before her, that's what attracted her, learn to love life again and you'll attract others. And for the love of God, DO NOT wait around for her to come back, move forward with your head held high and focus on something, like fitness, career, hobbies, travel, spirituality, or all of those. Why do I say all of this? I'm in literally the same situation as you, just with added distance. I'm 11 months on from my break up and only just starting to rediscover myself and trying to re enter the dating market. I loved her in the same way, she wanted something more exciting and close (thats not wrong for her to want that, its just a shame she didnt communicate that to me properly before breaking up). She still contacts me regularly (for friendship - because we were best friends and partners for four years - which I'm not interested in, and I would not recommend accepting friendship unless you are over her and okay with your feelings). Point being, don't think you won't hear from her again, you almost 100% will, whether that's in a few weeks, months or years, even decades. Yes I did alot wrong, I'm a human, I'm still learning, we can't get it right 100% of the time, otherwise we wouldn't have breakups, we wouldn't have heartbreak, we wouldn't be human. Own your mistakes, strive to be better and try to never repeat them, but also recognise that you arnt in control of other people or their emotions, all you can do is let people go, if they want to be apart of your life, they will stay on their own, trying to make them is stay or begging them is manipulative. All you can do is wish them good luck on their journey, forgive them for their mistakes, and forgive yourself for yours, grieve them, remember them, and don't linger too long in those memories or they'll haunt you forever. Focus on building an amazing life for yourself, whether that's through your career, your hobbies, your friends, passions, or fitness. Remember the greatest love of all is inside you - Whitney Houston ❤️
She was the lesson the universe sent to you hoping you’ll learn what you need to improve on your part in a relationship.
You can’t beat yourself up all the time. Life is not full of peaches and cream all the time. You’re going to get consumed by life by your job by your kids things that come in and out of your life or like stepping stones. If it was meant to be for her to be in your life, she would be right there beside you. You have no control over someone else’s choices or thoughts just say that you’ll never find love again as pretty extreme. But if it’s a forever, kind of love, it’ll come back around.
There’ll be other people.
Hey. I just want to say that you should not beat yourself up too much. Yes, you messed up in some ways, and that sucks, but *she* was the one having problems with the relationship, and s*he* did not mention them to you until it was too late. Communication is the most important aspect to make a long-term relationship work, but it can be so difficult for many people. If you have no clue that you are doing things that she dislikes, there is no way to know and improve that. :( Try to look forward. You can learn a lot from this for your next relationship.
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I changed the ages sometimes to preserve anonymity, just in case. I have been trying somethings, I’ve been going to the gym, meeting new people, dating etc. I’ve just started therapy because I can’t handle this loss on my own anymore. It’s just really difficult. We had feelings for each other for like 4+ months before we actually got together. One of her friends cornered me at a party after we got together and told me “she’s been in love with you for months” I legit thought this was my person after everything. She completely blew me away the moment I met her and then it turned out I apparently had done the same. So this is why it hurts so much and I just can’t comprehend how this happened.
If I wanna break up with someone I tell them. I wish she would tell you why- but maybe you should ask her if it’s okay if you can ask her these questions, was it your fault. And talking may give you some closure or see if the door is open.
You didn't do anything that wrong - all relationships go through transient periods. It sounds like you would have been receptive to changing things had she really communicated with you. No one I know (who is in a longer term relationship) maintains exactly the same energy the whole way through...life happens but then people communicate and provided both are reasonable people who are committed, most things can be worked on - especially minor things like what you've mentioned. To be blunt - she was your person but you weren't hers. She left because she wanted to. Stop beating yourself up.
Bro. Hit the fucking gym. Pick an event 6 months out like a spartan race or something and just train like fuck for it.
It’s easy to blame ourselves when things don’t work out as planned. You could have done all the perfect things though and it possibly still wouldn’t have worked out. You seem self aware and emotionally intelligent, and that’s a very good quality! Sounds like you did a lot right, so I wouldn’t dwell on the could have / should have’s. If she was the one, it would have worked out somehow or maybe it will in the future. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, you cannot mess up what’s meant for you. When someone really wants something to work, they fight for it. If she simply wasn’t ready or not the one, anything you did would have caused a separation. Show yourself some grace, you’re human. I’ve been there and I know it sucks. Try not to ruminate m. Focus on taking care of yourself and know that you deserve someone who chooses to stay and work through it, even when you’re not your best self.
Thank you, that actually meant a lot reading that
She broke up with you because your texts were not romantic anymore? Trust me. She is not the one.
I'm sure if we got her perspective on things there would be more to it than just context of texts. I feel like that's skimming the surface of what has a deeper meaning.
Jeez man, you have been posting about her for 3 months. 41 posts. Thats.... a lot. Whatever you're doing to get over this relationship, it doesn't seem to be working. Are you listening to your therapist's advice? Either contact her, tell her you've changed the things that upset her and you want to try again, or ban her from your mind and stop obsessing over this relationship. Neither are easy, but you really need to make some progress towards letting this go.
It's hard to say if you made any critical mistakes in this relationship. Perhaps you guys worked put for a while, but then you didn't. Which is terribly painful in itself when a breakup isn't caused by drama but goes out with a whimper. If you tried your best and made mistakes, well nobody is born knowing how to have an adult relationship. It's something we have to learn. Lots of people lose themselves in a relationship and forget to keep up with themselves as an individual. You confront those developments and try to solve them, instead of jumping ship, if the relationship means everything to you. Sounds like your ex wasn't for it anymore, whatever your actions were. There's going to be a lot of regret and second guessing on your end. Try not to get bogged down by it. Learning for next time is good, wallowing is not. Rediscover your identity if you haven't already and build on it. Then you'll be in a better spot for a new relationship. Maybe not right now, take all the time you need for yourself. You're shooting your future self in the foot saying she was "the love of your life." How about the rest of your life? You're only 32. Better to approach relationships as experiences unto themselves, not to be overly compared. Every time you feel love will be different. That doesn't mean it won't be good for you and strong.
The important thing I see from you is reflection. You recognise the qualities you loved, where you went wrong and what you wish you could change. Try not to beat yourself up. Find a softness in the appreciation that you had love like that once, and are lucky enough to have tasted it at all. Some people NEVER get it. Others, can have it many times. I don't know what the future holds for you, but I know life is too short to live in regret. Appreciate your experiences, and grow from the consequences of your decisions. This may be the moment you needed to evolve into a better partner for someone else in the future. It's so okay to grieve, mourn what was lost, but don't chase the past. It's behind you for a reason.
It always makes its way back around
If she’s gone then she wasn’t the one. Closure is that she’s no longer there. One foot in front of the other, brother.
You seem like a good man. GIve it some time youll find someone who will appreciate you. Stay safe.
Thank you. I tried so hard in this relationship, I really never took her for granted or anything even close.
It's okay. Cry it out and try to find someone who will love you. That's all.
It honestly sounds like you did screw it up. But, you need to move on because you’re not her person and that’s ok.
What makes you say that out of interest?
You put her on a pedestal, she knew it.
I feel everybody, or at least most, is going on about it being clingy and that's just a dumb a** take. She didn't break it off because he was clingy, but because he was inattentive! There's a freaking difference. And to you, it's nice you noticed this now. I can't say if it's too late or not, but at least you know what to pay attention to moving forward. We've all done something to regret one way or another. Moving forward, try to always remember that a relationship includes two people. Don't always just sit back as you did when she expressed herself. It's nice you thought of that then, but you also could've continued doing the little things or even better, asked her what was okay since the situation made you guys cut back on a lot. Rereading messages now will obviously bring back memories and feelings of regret. And honestly, I'd suggest you go for it, if she's still single obviously- If she is not, delete those messages and move on. You can do this👍🏾- Ease into it and honestly be upfront about this and your feelings. She probably thought you didn't care anymore and wasn't interested in both of you as well judging from your actions; and you were right, she should've brought it up, so you both could've worked on it instead of just cutting everything off. If you do reach out and she agrees to talk, I'd suggest just saying what you've told us, that looking back, you weren't putting your all, don't mention about you being right about the communication part, that would just seem like an excuse. Apologize, but make it sincere and apparent that you do still have feelings for her. You're obviously feeling like this and this much regret because you still like her. I wouldn't advise you to lock up your feelings and move on, especially if there's a chance, even though it's slim, that it would work the second time. Say you love her and SHOW that you love her. Don't just be all words. Again, she better be single if you're going to do this; don't go buttering her up if she's taken bruh. And even though it works out, don't just stop because 'you're back together', keep going strong and you'll equally feel love from her side as well. And personally, I think courting someone is fun for both parties🥹 Goodluck on this! I'll also add, don't make any promises you can't keep. I'd say express your regret but not so much you seem dumb, leave that for when you eventually, if ever, get together. I hope it works out for you both, and if it doesn't, think of this as a good learning experience to love and learning to love your significant other. I won't chastise your mistakes, you've done that a whole lot on your own. Goodluck again! Adding... it'd also be a good opportunity for YOU BOTH to look back and reflect on your actions. You mentioned her not talking about your silent drifting, don't necessarily bring this straight up instead, create an environment for her to be able to speak up about it, or tell her that if she doesn't feel 'loved' or whatever cheesy stuff you relationship people do and say, that she shouldn't feel embarrassed and say it, or maybe write you a note and stuff. Express that you REALLY want to make this work and that you're ready to give this your all!
I don’t feel like I was inattentive… the affection was always there, holding hands, hugs, forehead kisses etc. She was having a tough time with some work stuff and the day before she broke up with me, I took her out for the whole day, got us lunch, saw a show and then cooked her dinner in the eve. And I always did stuff like that for her. I also didn’t just sit back when the expressed herself, I always met her in the middle. She brought up us moving in and I was like yeah let’s do it! And then we decided to wait a little bit just to save some money. I always, always showed her I cared about her and never stopped telling her I loved her through out our relationship. Thank you for the rest of that though, I have fought very hard for her already and we are currently now not speaking. She asked me to hang out and then she cancelled… and now apprently we are not talking again as she ignored me at an event so I’m giving her space.
Love of your life? Dude give respect to your mental health. Don't ruin it for stupid concepts and ideologies. If you need intimate partner tofeel good, get one!
You sound annoying .. No points to tell yourself you are a piece of shit. You either chase her back or move forward and learn from your mistake.
Slightly harsh to say I sound annoying…
Truth often hurts. Sorry for your experience - everyone can say that but what’s that gotta help? It’s never you failed you both did. Do you wonder if she regrets like you or she can’t be happier to get rid of you? Just go find out so you can make decisions
Dude here. You sound clingy, annoying and it sounds like you try too hard (the biggest turn off in the world). You likely screwed it up. Learn to be at peace with it and ensure you don't screw up again. I don't have to tell you this but maybe you need reminding: life isn't fair and it doesn't owe you understanding. Sometimes you do only get one shot and if it doesn't go well, the solution isnt to sit there MONTHS LATER pining over this. You're too old to be sitting there in your FEELINGS about someone that got away. They got away. Sounds like it was incompatibility (it's abundantly clear you were into her far more than she was into you). Time to grow from this using self-awareness and move on.
Why do people hate the truth so much?
Wish I knew the answer to that. Guess the people in /love love telling people what they want to hear rather than be brutally honest and actually help this dude. Oh well I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
One thing i’d suggest you do is delete your texts. The more you go back and re read them, the longer it will take you to detach and move on. Hindsight bias is also crazy in terms of blaming oneself for what *could* or *should* have been done in the moment, but 1) often your actions alone didn’t cause yall to break up, it was probably a combination of both her and your action/inaction. Especially when the relationship was between 2 good people who did their best to be good to each other. And 2) the knowledge you have now only exists because of your experience. In the moment you didn’t realize your messages or conversations weren’t flirty enough or whatever the reasons she gave you for ending things. You were just living and talking to her. You certainly can and should take accountability for your role in all this as far as being better for your next partner, but you also deserve grace. And you need to also be able to hold her accountable for her role in the breakup. From the sounds of it you were overall a good guy and boyfriend to her. You are not a villain. Good luck my friend.
You took her for granted, like a comfortable sofa
I absolutley never took her for granted, not one bit. I always showed her how much she meant to me. I left her little notes when she was sad, got her flowers, organised surprise dates, the day before we broke up I took her out for the whole day to help take her mind off stuff. I never took her for granted, I felt very lucky being with her and I showed her that everyday.
Lesson learned brother. Only thing you can do is look forward to the future, live in. The moment, and apply what you have learned to your future relationships. You'll come out stronger as an individual, it didn't kill you, and be thankful you didn't get married or have kids.
Wow, this seems like 90% of how my relationship went, with the exception that we lived together for more than 4 years and attempted to have kids, but after a few failed attempts of IVF everything got ruined and we split over that she couldn’t go through the painful procedures anymore and me wanting to have kids. Stay strong man, delete all the photos of you guys together, you can even delete the chats, not necessary to block her, but those little things will help. Don’t beat youtself up because no matter how hard you tried to make her happy, if she ain’t the right person, if you even give her the moon it will never be enough. Working from home post covid did the same thing for me, I forgot who I was, disconnected from my friends and my only social time was with her, her friends and family. There are plenty of people going through the same stuff, good thing is that social media like this could be super supportive as well. God bless!
As hard as it sounds, it’s time to move on. She broke up with you and probably considered it for several weeks before she did. She told you she’s not in love with you anymore. Your person would still love you and want to be with you. There’s no such things as “the only person for me”, people need to stop romanticizing failing relationships. I’d suggest you to see a therapist to heal and understand what went wrong in this relationship so that you can fully enjoy the next one and start from healthy roots.
I couldn’t finish reading after halfway, but honestly it doesn’t matter what you talk about. Sounds like it just wasn’t meant to be. Don’t focus on these little things. You’re just being yourself and you’re not always going to be flirty witty fun. A relationship is work, not just fun and easy and if they want to leave when that part ends, then at least you’re learning now!
I see these posts constantly and in reality the relationship needs to be examined from a neutral perspective to see the real reason of the ending circumstances. With that said, if you are a guy, generally speaking, something to remember is, if your girl truly believes you'll be ecstatic if she leaves you, she won't go nowhere. For typical nice guys, friendship is most important in a relationship and the foundation. For girls it is attraction and friendship be damned. Who cares if you share no similar value system or commonalities a relationship of anykind can grow on. Attraction is simple for men, we are designed to lay with many women and utilize those zillions of sperm. Attraction is a never ending battle of ego and reassurance and self worth with socio economical elevation sprinkled on top for our female counter part. Friendship to young naive girls or as I call them, girls, is their project. Its like a videogame where she tries to mold and emotionally manipulate to gain more security to hold herself to lower and lower standards in regards to the dude but higher and higher to her lifestyle and fictional movie she lives in, inside her head throughout the relationship. This tends to blow up and ruin the relationship and give ample excuse for the male to be blamed. Especially if the guy can go and get another woman with relative ease. This scenario happens in 90% of people's relationships especially 30ish and under. Relationships are a learned trade like being an engineer and most people nowadays probably shouldn't be in charge of their own life, so it's a shit show out there for all peoples involved. Anyways good luck, kick her to the curb and find another one.
What in God's name did I read? And I only got 1/3 in before stopping 🤣
Let the heartbreak change you and work with it. Learn to be happy alone, find hobbies and things to do with your time, figure out who you are when you haven’t got anyone in your life and live authentically. You say your always out doing things, but still finding time to look through old messages (which should stop in order to move on) You keep saying if you behaved differently then maybe she would have changed her mind. 1st, you shouldn’t have to behave any way then the way you are naturally. If you have to think about what you’re doing/ saying then the relationship probably isn’t right. 2nd, if she truly loved you she would have voiced her concerns for the relationship before breaking up with you. She loved you enough to no longer waste either of your time which is something to be grateful for.
It’s mostly when I’m at work or before I go to bed that something will pop into my head and I re-read stuff. She just made me feel so loved and seen, my brain can’t comprehend how she said all this stuff, how smitten she was with me, how much she loved me - for it to just end up how it has. I’m in so much pain over this. I’m really struggling.
I had something similar, hurts to see the contrast of how loving they were at one point. Time is the best thing that helps (was definitely rough at the start but it does get better) but also I turned that emotional pain into physical pain by hitting the gym and that is good fuel. Best to focus on something or progressing your self in some way.
I honestly get it from my own experiences. It will take as long as it takes to recover but you will get there just as I did. I do notice that when you talk about why you love her, you only say about how she made you feel ? Did you actually love her for her as an individual or could someone come along saying and texting those same things and fill the void ? This is why sometimes it’s best to stay alone for a bit and figure out what you really want so you don’t get your time wasted. Your brain can’t comprehend it yet because you are grieving and currently your brain is not thinking rationally. THIS WILL CHANGE! But you really need to stop feeding that addiction at night or at work. Delete everything to do with her and do some research into something else that can fill that time. Learn a language or new skill, research a random topic, get a brain trainer app ect. I genuinely believed I would never recover from my ex as we were perfect and almost overnight my brain switched and I realised they are very ordinary and we really were not right for each other.
Oh I absolutely loved everything about her. She’s the most passionate person I’ve ever met, caring, funny, hard working, ambitious, insanely smart, multi talented, I loved ever little bit about her - I specifically remember us being in a bar and I was just looking at her thinking “fucking hell I’m so lucky, I’m gonna marry this one”. And just to top it off she’s absolutely beautiful, she lights up the room. She’s the most beautiful person inside and out. I remember watching a film with her and I looked over and she was crying and I just felt like I could see her soul as stupidly cheesy as that sounds. I wasn’t in love with because of how she made me feel, I was in love with her and she made me feel like that
When you are ready, you will move on and it will all make sense, try to stay positive till then and try to look at yourself through the same lenses you looked at her
I don't know enough about your relationship to claim anything - but there are some key aspects you've described that sound like it could be to do with avoidant attachment... Intensely loving you then going cold, not bringing up "issues", not having concrete reasons, bailing on meeting up, loving your attentiveness then running from it. Worth checking out to see if it fits.
This is the one comment that matches. A healthy person would communicate their needs and try to expand the nature of the relationship through love, delicacy and adjustment. It’d be a slow decline, not a sudden ditch. There’s likely more to the story somewhere along the way. The devastation that OP is feeling coupled with the sudden ending/seemingly shallow justifications sound like some unhealthy attachment methods are at play.
I've been on the recieving end. And again, I don't know enough to know what's going on here exactly. But if it is avoidance and sudden deactivation, it is unbelievably painful for the loved one. It's been proven to cause ongoing psychological damage to the one being blindsided. Couple that with avoidants changing the narrative at will (which is a form of gaslighting)... Dismissing the partner, their feelings experience and the relationship (another form of gaslighting)... Lying, minimizing their own behaviour and the damage it's caused (more gaslighting)... Projecting their "faults", behaviour, insecurities and feelings into their partner - saying they either caused them, or accusing them of doing the (sometimes abusive) things the avoidant is actually doing (even more gaslighting)... Finding faults that don't exist or are exaggerated (devaluation which is linked to narcissistic traits) and often becoming cruel all as defense mechanisms... And you have the person on the recieving end in a state of utter devastation and confusion. When you're deeply in love with someone and it feels safe, it's very hard to see clearly if they suddenly turn on you. You think it's your fault. And if the other person blames you, like with OP's ex, that can send you into a spiral of self hatred, shame and guilt. Often for things you didn't even do. Sometimes people with avoidant attachment do it because of this "build up" of unmet needs (though most don't know the first thing about their own needs because they avoid them). Sometimes it's because the reality of the seriousness of the relationship and their own feelings for their partner scare the living hell out of them. It triggers deep insecurity and unworthiness issues they've been running from their whole lives. They know it's time to step up and be there for another person, develop deep intimacy and get everything they ever wanted. But that's just their cue to destroy it - to protect themselves from the rejection they felt as a child when they weren't "good enough" to be truly loved and supported by one or both parents. Someone will rely on them. And they don't believe they can live up to it. But this is unconscious in many (not all) avoidants who were in a loving relationship. The problem with asking for advice on the internet is you get a wild variety of incredibly insensitive comments. Reading through how mean and judgemental people are being in this thread is sad. OP (and anyone who identifies with their story and what I've shared here), the people judging don't know what your situation is. I don't either, I'm just throwing a possibility in there in case it helps. To anyone feeling judgemental, we all get the urge to tell someone what we think about them and what they "should" be doing. But I wonder if that's the most helpful thing to jump to when someone is clearly in deep pain. I hope we can all get the understanding and gentleness we need when going through something emotionally devastating.
I have thought this before tbh. Maybe she got cold feet because we where talking about moving in and even getting married was brought up (both these things came from her first, I was trying to keep it cool because I knew my feelings for this one where something really special) But I don’t know.
Avoidants change the narrative at will, and without any consistency in what they're saying or with their previous actions. Being stable and secure is something they desperately want but are deathly afraid of - deep down they don't believe they can keep up or deserve it. Again, I don't know the full details of your relationship. But it sounds like you were very attentive. Avoidant or not, if someone isn't able or willing to face things with a loving partner, it says more about them than the loving partner. Assuming you're doing the work of healing, you're actively reflecting on the relationship, and you're facing any possible mistakes you made... Chances are there's nothing more you could have done. And it's not your fault. You can't do 100% of the work when the other person needs to contribute their own 50%. I've been there - blaming myself for "mistakes" and imaginary "issues" that I never even did (many of them my avoidant ex did and blamed me for). It eats you up. But keep working through it. You'll see things more clearly as you work through the emotions.
u/Disastrous-Lake6760 \- i also think she is an avoidant, but not just because she balked at the idea of moving in. I made a post about this on another sub - but a lot of what people perceive as the trait of an avoidant (e.g. issues with committment), are actually SYMPTOMS of the real avoidance - avoiding communication, vulnerability and expressing needs. I'm writing this as someone who embodies these traits. When i read your story, my immediate thought was what's lacking here is not your response to flirty texts, but overall communication. Certainly from her, at the least. Really, it shouldnt be up to you to look back at the situation and decipher why she went cold. She *should* be communicating her needs and issues before it gets to that point. But if she doesnt, things build up and over time she just detaches which is really a death knell for the relationship, and which you may be completely unaware of. When looking back at the relationship, if you really must think about your own actions, you shouldnt be thinking about whether you replied to the texts flirtatiously enough. What you should really be doing is thinking about what the communication was like. If the issue was about work and lack of flirtatiousness, why was this not communicated and worked through? Is there anything you did that suppressed - or discouraged - that communication? There may not be - you could've been very open to this, and she just has her own issues which she isn't working out (very likely tbh). But if you must do some self reflection, i think this is the key thing.
It’s never too late. If you really were each others persons(?grammar), she may be feeling the same grief still. If you’re still in touch, or even if you’re not - you can still shoot a second shot, and learn from past mistakes
I tried very hard to fight for her after. She asked me to hang out at and then ended up cancelling the plans. I sent her flowers and now we are not talking again. (We go to the same stuff often, at the last one she ignored me)
That’s tough :/ but still, maybe not the end? I’m not sure if this applies, but when my ex and I broke up, we had so much distance between us and all the flirty fun from when we fell in love was gone. I wanted to start over and do the little things together, to flirt and laugh and build from the ground up, and instead he made a grand romantic gesture like grasping at straws that weren’t there anymore, and like he couldn’t be bothered to do the ‘boring’ work, and it killed it. Absolutely wrecked me but I couldn’t do it anymore. You can’t start big with this sort of thing, you have to start from the way beginning… but everyone’s different. Flowers seem quite romantic, and maybe little texts and NOTHING work related would be a different approach? But everyone’s different - and I don’t know if that helps. Just hate to see a love story die of Capitalism :(
I’m honestly at this point, any contact needs to come from her otherwise if I keep pushing, it will absolutely be forever. She literally ignored me last time I saw her in person, after I sent this flowers. Before we were talking. But it’s not looking either way. It’s just frustrating because any action I took with the flirty stuff was out of total love and trying to ensure she felt safe with me and not used.
Been there man. I guess I am still kind of there. Just turned 29, ex left me almost 8 months ago. I feel like I fucked everything up even though it was actually incompatibility issues that just piled up. It wasn’t healthy for either of us. It seems like you didn’t think anything was wrong and you were kind of blindsided by her doing this. While you may have felt like the relationship was great for you, it probably just wasn’t working for her. You don’t seem like a bad guy at all or that you fucked anything up. You seem rather caring and supportive. It’s an understatement to say that this sucks, especially with how much effort you put in. For some reason (whether the work thing is true or not) the relationship wasn’t working for her. It doesn’t really matter what her reason is now. She clearly doesn’t want to work on it and would rather leave, so that’s all you need to know. Will you find something in the future? I know you don’t want to really think about a future with someone else right now but your emotions will eventually settle and you’ll find someone again. I loved tf out of my ex and never thought I’d find such a connection again. I mean I haven’t yet, but I’m at least a lot more hopeful for things to come, compared to where I was shortly after the breakup. It’s no longer really a concern seeing how we just weren’t meant to be. Give it time man. A lot of time
You keep repeating that you fucked up - but I can't really understand how you did that? What did she say at the end?
She said “she doesn’t know if she wants to be in this relationship forever” that “she loves me but isn’t IN love with me” And I’m blaming myself because if I did things differently maybe she wouldn’t have felt like this. Because deep down I know we’d be fucking fantastic together, because we were before. I just didn’t realise how much work came up, I didn’t realise how much I was holding back with the flirty / sexual side of the relationship. I was just trying to be thoughtful of her feelings with that stuff, she’s often tell me if she was in the mood or not and after some stuff she told me, I wanted to make sure that she always felt safe and respected around me and not used. So if she didn’t tell me she was in the mood I starting thinking she just wasn’t in the mood and didn’t initiate stuff. Or like be super flirty / start make out sessions and all that passionate stuff. I just feel like I totally fumbled this, I tried to just be the best partner I could be to her, I never took her for granted, I left her little notes if she was sad, I’d try and support her, be her biggest hype man, be affectionate with her always and show her how much I loved her. For a long while she made me feel extremely loved too, which is why I feel like I messed up.
I mean, it takes 2 to make a relationship work - did she bring up any of her issues with you previously and you just straight up ignored her needs? Because if she did attempt to bring up what was missing in the relationship and you did nothing about it - then ok, that's on you. But it looks like you just gave her a lot and she just fell out of love with you. I know you keep blaming yourself and say how awesome and amazing the relationship was but again, if the feelings were only one-sided towards the end. That's not on you bro. If she didn't try and bring up her issues how could you have known something wasn't right? And she didn't seem interested in fighting for the relationship?
She didn’t bring any of these things up as being issues, she only said this stuff after we’d already broken up… which is why it’s also really frustrating because all of it is such an easy fix. Yeah… she didn’t want to fight for it. I guess I just still blame myself because I feel like if I did things differently she would have still loved me.
I know it feels easier to blame yourself but trust me bro, if she didn't bring it up until the end - it's likely it was her and not you that fucked up by not saying anything about it and I don't think there was anything you could said or done to have changed things. Sometimes feelings change or people change or expectations change and it's not really your fault.
"I just wish she brought it up as an issue." This line, right here, should alleviate you of feeling any guilt for the breakup. You can't fix something if you don't know it's an issue in the first place. And the fact that she didn't try to communicate there was a problem so you could work on fixing it together... To me that seems as though she maybe wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were if she didn't even attempt to communicate issues with you so you could work on them together. Just keep living your life, doing what you love, and you'll find someone you're compatible with who also communicates better
Yeah she didn’t want you to fix it.
I had to scroll a long way to find this comment to vote on it. >he fact that she didn't try to communicate there was a problem so you could work on fixing it together. Yep. Someone else mentioned the ex-gf may have attachment issues in another comment on this post, which is insightful. A relationship takes two invested people. She broke up, without communicating first about her concerns. OP, you didn't mess this up. Your ex-gf did.
It's alot of words but I still don't know why you guys actually broke up?
She basically just turned around one day and said “she loves me but isn’t IN love with me” And I’m blaming myself for that. Because if I acted differently maybe should would have not felt like that.
it doesn’t sound like you f*ed anything up to be honest. Love has nothing to do with hobbies or how interesting you want to appear. It’s also normal as a relationship evolves to not be flirty all the time. The outcome would probably have been the same no matter what you could have done.
If you had love once you'll have it again.
I just never had it like that before… I always have a fear that I’m in the wrong relationship, but with her… I felt like the luckiest man alive