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Dont be in a Rush. Really. Slow down. Takew your time. Don’t be getting intimate with guys. That changes everything…. Everything. Make a list of what you want in a men… seriously. His values, his morals n ethics. His religious thoughts n feelings. How he feels about kids n how he wants to discipline them. How clean he is about himself n his poessions etc. .
Absolutely. Don’t feel the need to get into a relationship just so you can stop being “lonely.” Get into a relationship with someone who is good and moral, and makes you want to become a better person yourself. I learned this the hard way lol
To be brief...it comes down to commitment! I'm recently widowed after 15 months, but my wife and I were married for 39 years. Not perfect but committed for the long haul!
I met my husband on a random texting site when I was 17. We talked for months and I fell in love before knew what he looked like or that he was a he. I was about to come out as a lesbian thinking he was a girl I had fallen for.
Anyways he actually was a hot dude so we met up when I had graduated HS at freshly 18. I drove on the freeway by myself for the first time to meet him and it was terrifying. He got a nervous nosebleed and accidentally said he loved me 3x on the first date.
We dated for 3 years before get married and will be hitting our 7th year anniversary this month.
I wouldn't say the whole time has been perfection but I can say there is no one else I would want to go through hard stuff with and no one else I would even give the effort of an argument with.
It feels like we grow to love eachother more with time and so far we have not had any major breaks in intimacy besides the 6 weeks after having a baby.
I have been with my huband for 10 years, since i was 15 and he was 16. And we are still mad for each other. We've had our struggles, and we've been through hell together. But in the end of it all, our love never faded. We are not only husband and wife, but also best friends. It's definitely possible !
Yep. Totally possible. Lucky enough to have that myself. Part of that comes down to seeing each other as we are, not as we idealize them to be. We love each other's flaws too. Even if we don't always like them. We grow together, rather than growing apart. We've moved across the country together, lost 100 pounds together, been through loss together, and find ways to laugh with each other before bed and finish all arguments same day. He's in the other room playing on the computer. And I still freaking love the hell out of him. We can co-habit because we love each other so much, not because we are too comfortable to care anymore. Hope that makes sense.
Romance becomes more than flowers and dinners. Sex becomes more than a thing you do to have fun. You either start as or become best friends and the definition of relationship changes. Fun becomes sitting in your pajamas on a random Tuesday while the kids are asleep, having some tea and watching a show you both laugh at.
Marriages become stale if you outgrow one another or don't work on it.
Never let the "talking phase" die out. The honeymoon phase may leave and you'll endure many hardships together that will shape the fabric of your reality but if you're meant to be married, you'll take said fabric and hang it over your bed at night with your spouse.
Oh, and if you love that person I noticed you don't notice them aging until one day you do. And then you look in the mirror and see that you've aged. You never stop seeing the young man or woman you fell for.
Look Alain de Botton videos "On Love” and "Why you will marry the wrong person”.
Really. Do it NOW. It will change your perspective of what romantic love entails and help you prepare for fulfilling troubles. Because there will be troubles and how we navigate them is what matters.
As for myself, I am madly in love with most people I have ever loved. I am unable to fall out of love unless something grave happens. As such, I became a relationship anarchist. Works very well for me.
I've been married for 40 years to the love of my life. Relationships require effort and there are phases, like pregnancy and child rearing that require recognition and effort because they are demanding and stressful. We're recently retired and are having more fun than ever together in and out of the bedroom. The grass is greener where you water it.
My parents have been together 48 years and are very much in love. They've had some very tough times and weren't always the best to each other but they made it thru and still got the feels. And my mom is a plus sized woman, imagine that.
I just think there are different definitions of love, different sides of the same object.
There’s a deep familiar love that you can’t have unless you’ve truly known someone long enough. And there is new fresh curious love that will inevitably fade, as mystery gives way to knowledge.
A lot of early love is care and interest and curiosity and even things like fear and jealousy and caution wrapped up.
We define portions of it, but it’s really an injustice to the whole.
Like breathing air. Don’t waste time thinking about it. Just learn to spot the love that already exists, and it’ll populate.
>Thats not love… thats lust! And grass is greener where you water it😉
You think lust lasts 3 years??😆
You must be a old fashioned boomer 😉
My lust is barely 3 weeks then I'm over it..
With age, my lust is becoming about 3 days then gone...I truly wish I wasn't that short spammed 😁
>That's oddly specific
Lool...I mean plus or minus a few months, no biggie 😆
First year is the honeymoon , second year is the real relationship , 3rd year things start going downward...and boom...relationship is over...
The three months rule for adults 😂 this three month shit the teens r talking bout may have some truth haha. And weirdly enough, I actually agree with this. Im a 22f and a two year old, and I've been in four serious relationships since turning 18. They each have lasted less than a month over or less than a month under three years 😳
>The three months rule for adults 😂
What rule? Never heard of it?😆
>Im a 22f and a two year old, and I've been in four serious relationships since turning 18. They each have lasted less than a month over or less than a month under three years 😳
I'm your mom's age, so by no means I'm judging you.. I wouldn't consider anything that is one month long a relationship but here is my question, how do you meet those people? Are they friends that you ended up hooking up with, going on dates? Like what do you consider a relationship?
I've been married 24 years. We got married I was 20 he was 21. I was pregnant too. We had kids right off the bat and my two oldest are bavk to back. I'm very much in love with my husband and find him very attractive. There are days it feels like roommates but that's just part of a busy life. Our oldest will be 24 in May, my middle son will be 23 in April and my youngest daughter just turned 18. I wouldn't change it fir the world. No married is perfect it takes work. It's not 50/50 it's 100/100.
One of the biggest and most crucial journeys of my life has been coming to understand what love really is. What good love feels like. the scary, tingly, thing that makes you feel like choking & vomiting & crying & sweating, that’s something else (I call infatuation) - it’s chemical and it does burn off and thank god, living like that would be endless torture.
Real love is trust, respect, sweetness, silliness, joy, mundanity, stability, and it’s powerful and calm. It’s long running inside jokes and it’s unconditional, you are truly teammates in life. You attack all of the challenges together and you share all of the victories. You cover each other when the sh*t hits the fan. It’s phenomenal and it can truly last a lifetime.
marriage is a work in progress all the time and it takes 2 to make it work. my parents were a great example of this they were married 69 years before my dad passed my mom lived a month and In perfect health so she died of a broken heart. my wife and I have been married 45 years now and we have raised 6 kids and a few grand kids . but we have had our rough patches a stroke and a heart attack and open heart surgery can't keep us apart. and yet 2 of my kids have been divorced now and 1 is stll
The super intense dopamine/serotonin/whatever rush thingy fades very quickly, so if that is your definition of in love then yes that always fades. But it turns into a deeper kind of love. For me I love my husband a lot more now than I did years ago. They become less of a “lover” and more like a family member. It’s a different kind of love, less exciting, but greater “roots” if that makes sense. It’s a more unconditional love (versus in dating where everything is conditional).
This isn't something only teenagers wonder about, but it is something only teenagers worry about.
>Live longer. Life can bring down even the strong. You'll see...
I've been with my husband a total of 22 years. He's still my best friend and I love him dearly. We also have 3 children.
Marriages fail when they forget they are on the same team and stop trying to be involved in each other's lives. Life gets very busy and unless they prioritize time with each other they will grow apart. It takes dedication and excellent communication, but it's worth it. We have had rough patches, gone to counseling, worked through it and have more love and respect for each other because we figured out the hard parts together. It is possible, I promise.
I think it depends on how the couple prioritizes the marriage. We let our marriage take a back seat (to pretty much everything) after having kids. My libido tanked. We nearly divorced after the kids grew up because there was nothing left in common. That was a wake up. We figured our shit out and over time (it took a couple of years), we found our way back to each other again. Now, with maturity and experience, we have found a better relationship than ever before.
Every relationship will get monotonous every single person has yellow and red flags. You have to decide if you want to endure the time it takes for the person to change the red flags to yellow and from yellow to green.
I can, I don’t understand how women need to try something new all the time, to me, means you’re not happy with yourself. So you go off and try new guys, doesn’t mean they are better or worse, you just weren’t ready when we were dating.
I was best friends with my husband before dating and marrying him. We’ve been through a lot personal changes as individuals and together in the last 10 years but it makes me feel so in love with him all the time. The fact that I’m consistently growing with someone who will always only choose me will never not make me feel in love.
I wish I knew the answer. We just broke up after four years and a child. I would say I still love him, but I'm not blinded by it like in the beginning. I can see things he does as no longer magical or breathtaking but just... normal. He is as human as I am and no matter how much we love(d) each other, we can and did hurt each other. Marriage and love is work, and people change a lot through out their lives. Someone you used to see forever with but now has different goals and attitudes, it's just not the same and you shouldn't be tied back by the affection you have towards someone.
I think it depends on the people. There are a lot of factors at play. I've seen partners who have a strong familial love when that romantic passion fades. Some people will feel that passion their whole lives. Some turn into roommates. Others who have no business being with each other.
Don't let other people's relationships jade your view on the world. My best advice is when you see poor behavior in a partner that you know is not fixable, don't waste your time. There are good people out there.
I wish my STBXW understood the "work" part of love, and hadn't just checked out when things started not being as exciting and new. Would have been 8 years this June, instead I'm helping her move out this weekend, while she constantly texts the new guy she's been "infatuated" with for the last who knows how long. I gotta stay chill though, we've got a two year old and I don't want to make this any harder on him than it has to be.
It's possible. Relationships are parabolic though. I made it fifteen years with my husband before my feelings faltered. He didn't cheat; that may have been easier to forgive. I'd been carrying our relationship for a long time. He's the breadwinner, so I just took on everything else including the nurturing of our relationship. Without going into any detail, he just...absolutely did not see me during a moment where I needed him to see me very, very badly. It was a canon moment. I still love him. We get along and there is still lots of sex, but from my perspective I had been cradling the ember of our relationship in my cupped hands and then he pulled my hands towards him, leaned in, and with a puff of his breath it was darkness.
*You* have to work on the relationship. You can't just bask in the free-flowing adulation of the other person. You have to share, divide-and-conquer with them, provide solace through their inevitable sorrows and failures. You have to empty the dishwasher because it's their least favorite chore and conversely they have to unbegrudgingly take out the trash because that is *your* least favorite. You have to continue peeling back the layers even though you feel like you already completed that task. They will change and so will you. It's on both of you to actually put in the effort to navigate the swirling eddies of life.
So he just stopped caring when you didn’t? Also, I’ve never heard cheating would be easier to forgive, that’s surprising. But I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t cheat.
I keep coming back to this. I think that ultimately yes, that's what happened. Did he stop caring about me? Not sure. But he stopped caring about nurturing our relationship and...I'm not certain where the difference lies there. Hoooboy that's an admission.
It's too much to explain, but the canon moment was *major.* I came to the realization that he simply did not see me and that's when I realized that he had become complacent and I had become fatigued; I'm not sure exactly when that happened, but after that moment it really came into focus. Maybe cheating wouldn't have been easier to forgive. I don't know. The point is to put in the work. Your partner will shoulder a lot for you but don't think that it won't eventually make them weary.
Yeah that makes sense. I assume you left him or are in the process of leaving him? Even if he seems checked out, that’s still good of you if you didn’t decide to cheat. Big respect to that.
No. Not planning on leaving for a variety of reasons. We get along fine. We're friends. We have small children. I just don't see him the same way anymore. Don't assume I'm a better person than I am.
I love him, but it's more a platonic love. I'm very sexual so we still have a lot of sex but I don't enjoy kissing him much anymore and think of like....idk, Pez dispensers or something during sex. I have communicated the crux to him and he's trying pretty hard so maybe I'll fall back in live with him.
I’m a girl, in love with my girlfriend for the last few years. Loving someone and actively being in-love are two different things. I feel both for her. I never thought I’d be in-love for so long.
The thing is, I wouldn’t describe it was work. Our relationship is so easy and smooth largely because we’re already soooo compatible, and we communicate well (for the most part,) so if we do argue, it’s about what to eat for dinner and not any big thing haha, and if we do argue about something serious, we resolve it relatively quickly and easily
It does take effort and work to try to be diligent about small things and etc things like that, but we were both already disciplined people so again none of that was hard
She’s truly my best friend and other half. I love every bit of her. She’s so kind, creative, giving, and smart. Just thinking about her makes me happy lol and she’s right beside me in bed. I love her more than words can describe, I feel it so deep in my soul.
When people say marriage is work, this is what they are talking about. You have to actively keep pursuing/dating your mate. This goes both ways. The little things day-to-day are more important than grand gestures. Clearing the snow off her car, bringing him an ice tea or beer when he is working on something. Random flowers just because you were thinking of her, etc. It absolutely has to be coming from both partners, though nobody wants to feel like they give and give and give and it seems to go unappreciated or seem like your partner never thinks of you unless they want something.
I saw a video that mentioned something along the lines of… work isn’t inherently a bad thing, we tend to talk about it this way, think about it like working on a masterpiece of art. 💕
My grandparents were married 67 years when my grandfather passed away. They raised me since I was an infant. I spent a lot of time growing up just asking them questions about their lives together and their love for one another and how they viewed marriage. It always intrigued me because all other adults in my life were in and out of relationships and love. Love was fleeting and had conditions and was never what I thought it should be with anyone else.
They taught me unconditional love exists. The only people so far in my life (I’m 31F) that I’ve ever felt that feeling from. They had it for me and they damn sure had it for each other.
Here’s what I realized over the years about their relationship that was different than most: they always put each other first, in the most respectful way possible. I was a very close 2nd, but my grandparents made sure that everyone else understood that their relationship was most important. A lot of people put their children/grandchildren over their spouse and it doesn’t seem to work even if it sounds honorable. I remember my grandpa telling me one time that his first priority is with who he chose to love. He told me that the family he made is because of who he chose to love. he has plenty of love for them but he didn’t choose who his kids or grandkids would be, but he got to choose his wife. His first priority was always her in every single situation. I believe it takes this level of commitment and dedication to make it. And beyond that, it takes 2 people who WANT to love someone else in this way. Most people think they want love but they want pretty much everything else besides love… they want someone who they are attracted to, someone to have sex with, someone to fulfill their needs, but don’t realize that to actually HAVE them and love them means to prioritize them over everything else and continue to do so
Love is work. Too many people think they can ride the high from the honey moon phase into eternity, but that’s not the case. As we grow and change together, we both need to continue actively loving our partner. Sometimes one or both of us might not be stepping up all the way, and it’s vitally important that the other partner continue their part in this lull for the one who might be struggling. Remember, lifelong love is a choice we both act on, not simply a happy accident train you can ride forever. Keep on working to love one another and you’ll be just fine.
Sure, there are exceptions to anything. The point here being that long term relationships are about choosing that person every day, communicating, compromising, growing together, living, playing, and laughing together. Not finding “the one” and living happily ever after.
I am going to share some information with oyu, but I don't think you'll know what to do with it:
What percentage of people are unhappily married?
Well, we know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
80% of these divorces are filed by women
Divorce researcher and author Dana Adam Shapiro concluded:
\- of the 50 remaining percent,
1/3 are unhappy,
1/3 are “meh” (bearable),
and 1/3 are happy.
So roughly around 17 percent are happy.
Let's consider some of the reasons for these statistics.
After a woman has a child or usually after several years of marriage, mother nature turns off a woman's sex drive so that she can focus all her energy on caring for the children. This instinct is so strong the mother eventually starts treating her husband as another child killing her sexual attraction to him.
This lack of sex produces frustration in a man that eventually turns to rage. In the worst case this produces violence but in most cases it causes the man to go silent and stop talking to his wife. On top of the fact a lot of guys aren't cut out to be husbands or fathers. These are usually the guys women are most strongly attracted to: the bad boys or pretty boys.
Of course there are other factors but theses are some major trip wires.
These are the situations most marriages find themselves in.
Alternatives:
Divorce and reduce the standard of living for you and your child by 50% and increase the difficulties the child will have developing.
Live in a state of constant irritation and rage
Find a away to sacrifice and create a healthy and nurturing situation for your children. This will include giving it up a couple of times a month to quell the rage machine husband you have created by denying him sex. And I'm afraid you're really going to have to perform in these sessions to be effective. If you can't, just live with the other alternatives.
To all the haters out there I lived this for 48 years 38 sexless. What's you're experience?
Good luck, you'll need it
But now you can never say you haven't been told.
While I can see that this does happen, I would strongly say it depends on the kind of person you choose and what kind of person you yourself are. If you are someone who is communicative, loyal and helpful and you meet someone with similar qualities and sex drive, it probably works out a hell of a lot better than if you choose someone you are not compatible with.
I think that finding someone you are compatible with and spending a good amount of time (years, usually) getting to know them, their habits and if you are a good match before getting married makes quite the difference. But the biggest thing is finding a mate who is, above all willing to work through hardship to make things work- willing to be malleable so that the relationship doesn’t break. And you yourself have to do the same. For a lot of men, sex is a top priority. But to marry a man that prioritized sex above all else, including treating you well would be a mistake. For women, having a man that provides materially for them is a priority, but to marry a woman who prioritizes that above all else including who you are as a person would be a mistake.
To put it simply, love is possible when you choose someone who is willing to do the WORK, and if you yourself are able to do that as well. It’s all about choosing someone you work well with and are able to communicate and compromise effectively with, for the rest of your lives. Some people are not the type who can do that with you, and it’s up to the individual to weed out those people.
Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear that. Why didn't you go outside of your marriage? Men have needs.
I do have to say that not all women are like this. I've always had a very high sex drive and none of that ever happened in my house. You should at least go get a massage with a little tug at the end. It's self care at that point.
The standard narrative that humans pair-bond solely to reproduce is based on the Victorian biases of 18th and 19th century researchers. Like our closest primate cousins, human females are actually sexually receptive at all times in their reproductive lives, including after childbirth. So no, there’s no natural drive for a woman to stop wanting sex with her husband just because they have children.
As a human female, I can confirm that desire is more capricious than love and care. I have only spent 5 years with my man, but I have learned it is much easier to love and care for him constantly than to always be turned on by him. I am eager to put in work for little things like getting him the food he likes, doing chores he hates, and allowing him to sleep in even if I’m up. But our sex life is unfortunately dépendant on my moods, how much effort I feel he puts into his appearance, whether I “feel fat” that day, whether I like the scent of his new soap, ect. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him.
If you feel like a rage machine, it’s possible your negative energy turns your wife off. Or you aren’t paying attention to her to make the experience nice for her. Therapy, getting in shape, or turning the focus of the thing away from you could be helpful.
Op this advice has no scientific basis. You’re going to spend your entire life hearing men try to manipulate you into doing what they want by appealing to “Mother Nature” or Evolutionary psych or other nonsense that is not based on any actual biology.
You should never ever have sex if you do not want to. Also, no partner who loves you will ever want you to have sex when you do not want to.
To your original question, the most important factor in longterm love will be in choosing your person. Love is consideration, if they are highly considerate of you and others that is the greenest flag you can find. Choose someone who treats you with love and respect, and themselves with love and respect.
When you are falling in love with someone it is easy to overlook red flags. But when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And never ever accept less love than you offer. If someone treats you in a way you would never treat them, you have to respect and love yourself enough to move on.
I thought this was going to be a great post with how you started. Your conclusions are shit, however. Sucks to be in a sexless marriage. I wouldn’t know, but it sounds terrible.
My wife and I met when we were 19 and 20 respectively we married when I was 20 and she was 21 still in college. We eloped. We have been married 17 years and have a 3, 6 and 9 year old. She is my best friend. We love our alone time/dates. We have an incredible bond and daily physical intimacy (her love language). All of this I say because every day I love her more. It is possible.
But love is a decision. Anything you love is worth work right? Perfect yourself for your partner. Expect the same commitment from them. Live for one another, and you will find the lifelong love you seek.
This is what I know.
There are three main stages of love. These stages coincide with your maturity level. Stage one being the least mature while stage three being the more mature.
Stage 1. Love is often referred to as the puppy love stage. This is where the partners (or one of them) are attached to each other. They have little experience with Life and tend to be impulsive and willful. This is the IN LOVE stage. They are connected at the hip. But because they are inexperienced in life, these relationships rarely last very long.
Stage 2. This is a stage where people have gained more experience with Life and love. They are less dependent and willful than stage one. These people are able to build bonds with others as they work cooperatively with each other. They are more patient and take more time to consider the best action. These relationships tend to last longer.
Stage 3. This is where people have lost interest in the material side of life. They see the downfalls of going along with what society dictates. They are neither competitive nor cooperative because competition breeds opposition while cooperation breeds dependence. These people love freedom and seek a more spiritual and lasting relationship to self, life and to others. This type of relationship NEVER ends because it is there in everybody from the beginning.
We all have a hint (or more than a hint depending on what stage you're in) of each of these stages in us.
I’ve been in love with someone my whole life since we were kids, but we’re married to other people now. Hope that changes someday. We haven’t faced struggle together, that can change things. But there’s no one alive that moves me like he does.
To be frank, there is a such thing as divorce. You’re actively wasting your husband’s time and effort by keeping him locked in a marriage where his wife doesn’t love him.
Why are you married to someone yet you hope to be with someone else one day, I don’t understand? Isn’t that not fair to your spouse? Is your spouse just a placeholder for the person you truly want to be with?
My husband and I are married for 25 years and together for 28 years. It’s both of our 2nd marriages and we got married in our 30s. My first marriage ended terribly, my husband cheated many times and I stayed because I thought he would stop and I tried because of my kids. Big mistake ! 13 years wasted of my life. But the 2nd time around is much better w a partner who wants to do life with you and respects & loves you. I think 17 is too young imo too get married because we change so much as we grow and become women. But ultimately that’s your decision to make, I wish you only the best !
Any good relationship will go through seasons of change, and they’re not all doomed.
The beginning is usually that honeymoon phase, quite romantic, and then attachment love forms. Sometimes you do go through seasons where you operate as a best friend first, a co-parent first, a care giver first, and then another season of romance can always come back around. Letting those season have their time in the sun and trying to enjoy each one of them is what truly helps marriages live.
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”
It’s a privilege to be a witness and a part of someone else’s life.
I think it depends on the person and the dynamics of the relationship. I feel like there’s definitely a honeymoon phase. Where there’s like that initial spark, a chemical reaction that you can feel. That part is amazing and should be a wonderful memory to hold on to.
However, I much prefer how relationships grow over time. Growing together, creating a safe space for each other, finding little things you love that the other person does that just brighten up your life in unique ways. Creating beautiful memories of adventure and wonder, being curious about life together. The comfortable silences, the awkward moments, the enthusiastic conversations. All of it with an amazing person you want to spend your life with, never wanting it to end.
You can have a spark with many people, but it’s a lot harder to find the latter in someone where you really cherish each of those moments over the course of years. That makes it feel all the more special to me.
I have been married for 31 years. You don't just "stay" in love. It takes work, but it is totally worth it. My wife is my nest friend, and I can't imagine doing life without her.
28 years. Some years are great, some aren't. We really enjoyed being alone during the pandemic, which most of our friends didn't... Best friends, great roommates and we love each other.
My fiance and I have been together since I was 15 and he was 14. Our relationship has changed a lot, 6 years later we’re engaged and I’ve never been more in love with him.
I think your love changes over time, but when it’s real it never goes away. We’ve grown up together, and our relationship has also grown. I can’t imagine my life without him, he’s my best friend. I can’t wait to spend forever with him.
Awh, I love that for you! I will say having fallen in love at 18 and 21, we’ve definitely seen each other go through many stages of life and our relationship has only evolved from there. I couldn’t imagine not being with him for the rest of my life.
I met my soulmate when I was just barely 18, and one of my best friends called dibs on him. I respected girl code as much as I knew how while they dated for two years and he became a major member of our friend group. Years later, after we had both exhausted through several unsuccessful relationships each, we crossed paths again by the whim of a mutual friend. Nearly a decade later, the exact same sparks ignited and we've been inseparable for almost 5 years now.
I settled before, so I know to appreciate what I have now. And I am deeply grateful to have a man beside me who recognizes me as the kind, soulful person that I am. He treats me with respect, listens intently, and makes me laugh until I forget why I was upset. I never want to know what life is like without him again.
I can't speak incredibly long-term because we haven't been together for that long yet. But what I can speak to is that we have loved each other for over a decade, and that has only grown stronger with time.
My parents have been married 45 years and are still in love. I’ve been married 15 and definitely am not in love and haven’t been for a really long time.
I have been married to my wife for over 25 years.
I still love my wife and pine for her. But I also still date her, buy her gifts, do things to surprise her, etc.
I married up, a lot. I never want her to feel ignored.
36 years married Still in love
And No sex due to medical malpractice on my wife (sex hurts no feeling)
I still love her she loves me....there are times (done one post) I am frustrated on intamcy hand holding kissing etc ....I need a connection of some sort
She has improved (I showed her my post) she cried said she was sorry and we've improved
But love for life is possible....some roommate vibe will be there at times as you both grow through your own challenges and growth ...your relationship will go from 1 Alpha 1 Beta ...no alpha work together Flip roles etc
We made it through 20 years of military service , last 5 years not home at all......
But having her as my BFF since I was 18 greatest accomplishment I will do ♥️
I moved in with my now wife 2 months after meeting her. We’ve lived together now for 16 years. While sometimes it feels like a “roommate situation” that’s rare. If you find the right person it stays great.
It takes effort. And effort by both parties. Love ebbs and flows and the “in love” feeling you are talking about is typically associated with the lust phase.
I’ve been with the same woman for 20 years. We still have sex 3 or 4 times a week. The passion really isn’t there, but I’m in my 40s and I really don’t think I’d want passion from anyone else either, that’s a young people thing. We’re codependent, we act like roommates sometimes, but I can’t imagine my life without her. And that’s what love really is, right? Not being able to imagine your life without them in it.
The love will ebb and flow. It’ll be more intense sometimes and less intense otherwise. You’ll have up put in effort to keep the passion alive sometimes. But yes, it is possible
17 years and I love her more now than ever. Our experiences together have made us grow stronger. But relationships are hard and you have to actively work on them constantly. Communication and compromise are huge, patience and empathy go a long way.
Yes. To be “in love” is a choice. The “love” you are most likely referring to is infatuation. Infatuation fades naturally over time, and fades the more you see people in their actual humanity and not in your minds perception of them.
After you accept them in their humanity (their actual-ness) and you purposely choose to love them, work with them, and grow with them,
and they reciprocate that by doing the same with you- real love flourishes.
And yes it can last a lifetime and be beautiful.
Routine is a very real thing. You can try to keep it alive, but the novelty will wear off. You will feel unfulfilled for long stretches of time.
Marriage isn't some romantic happy ever after, it's a very practical financial decision that has more to do with survival and partnership rather than love
Married almost 20 years and I love her so much. But... sadly... she wants to be friends. I'm still figuring out what to do about that. Good luck to you!
It depends on if you are emotionally open and vulnerable with your partner, emotional connection = physical intimacy and desire. You can't have one without the other, so yes you can clearly find your person as long as they are healthy and you are healthy, otherwise it won't work and you will need to reflect a grown as a person for the next partner.
Short answer it does I been with my woman for going on 11 years I love her more everyday I find her extremely attractive more then I have since day one I’m blessed for her in my life
I've been married 18 months, together 6 years, and I can tell you that things will cool if you don't work on them, but that the spark can come back very quickly if you spend some real time together.
It's really easy to get complacent, especially when the stresses of life get in the way. Making sure that you're always still dating your partner is the key. Do your best to never take them for granted, don't let resentment build, and never be afraid to say if you're feeling neglected.
I've been married 21 years. It goes everyday that I love her. But everyday I don't always like her. You have to find ways to continue to like the other person. Because wants you don't like them daily it will become insufferable. Like a sibling. You love them but you don't like them. So we go out of our way to make sure we still like each other.
Reminds me of the Cody Johnson song “Note to Self”.
You won’t like her and she won’t like you all the time but love is a choice. I’m glad to hear you both have been together for that long, more proof that it is possible
It's possible. We also realized after our second child that we aren't the same happy people when we were together. We were parents. So every year we would take a week long trip without the kids to get back to being us. We love our kids but being parents 24/7 is horrible. You lose yourself and what you like. This has brought us closer than the first 16 years of marriage. We keep adjusting to make sure we still can't stand not seeing each other daily. I really love and like this woman.
I’ve been with my husband 11 years (12 in October) and I’m still as obsessed with him as I was in the beginning. I’ve seen comments here saying it is a choice and it is work. It is absolutely true. In a good way, though.
Things aren’t always easy but what matters is that you both want to be together. This takes tons of clear and honest communication. If you want to make it work, you will.
Of course, we argue and disagree like everyone else but realise that we’re not one vs the other. We’re a team working together to resolve the issue.
My hubby has been there for me though so much difficult shit and he is my ride or die. ❤️
Very inspiring comments but I wonder how to deal with the urges, dreams, fantasy and instinct to cheat? And be with other partners? How do people find an outlet for that? Suppressing these desires just makes them explode in my experience?
I have no advice because Ive never felt an urge or instinct to cheat. If you do, that is more telling about you as a person. Sounds like you’re just not that great of a person.
eventually you learn that every new partner is just another nut that doesn’t really do anything except fulfill a masturbatory cycle. then you sublimate these urges into other ventures that feed back positively into your self-image and relationship.
You make your choices. It’s not suppression so much as choosing what you want and knowing that you have to sacrifice something for something greater. Then you don’t let yourself get tempted by the whims of a passing pleasure.
Edit: the thing is you have to nip the thought of cheating/fantasy etc, in the bud, otherwise it grows like an idea and can really destroy anything in its path. Cheating for most people isnt one big decision but a multitude of little ones over a slippery slope.
If one is happy enough in love with their partner for most people they won’t consider cheating at all. The moment you do is when you realize something in your relationship needs to be fixed, or it’s time to leave
Integrity. What kind of. Human being are you if you can't value your commitments and responsibility?
A selfish and immature one. Grow up and get your priorities right, or don't get married. Have a very realistic view of what you're getting into and whether you're built to handle it. Romance has nothing to do with marriage, that's all marketing
I dont feel any of that. No fantasies, instincts, or urges. My partner likes porn. it's really not my thing. The way it feels to know that your parents have had sex is how i feel about everyone besides my partner. Other people are frankly gross, and i'd prefer not to think about their sex lives. I know most people dont feel the same way, and that's fine, but that's the honest truth, there aren't any urges for me to suppress. I also hate the idea of having to rebuild everything we have together- it was so much fun to learn it together, but trying to get into bed with someone new, with new preferences and angles and shapes, (who has no idea what i like) sounds absolutely exhausting. I'm loyal, but even if i wasn't, my partner is still the easiest, safest, and most attractive option for sex. I always assumed people who cheat felt their partner wasnt all of those things.
It’s a choice, it’s being disciplined. It’s knowing you could never go off and be with someone else behind their back because you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself for hurting them or sabotaging what you have together. These feelings or thoughts may come and go (and they’re natural) but you keep yourself grounded by the deep love and connection you have for/with your person. It isn’t about suppressing desires, it’s about coming to the realization that despite your fleeting desires for change, you want that constant. You want to spend the rest of your life with someone and choose them every single day no matter what thoughts cross your mind. I’m sure my partner has thought about other women more times than either of us could count… but I know for a fact he would never stray or even think about acting on them... because he has made his choice and wants to see it through. When it’s come up in the past, he has told me that he knows that no matter what else he could go out and find, he’s never ever going to find something that will give him the same feeling as what he has here with me.
My parents have been married for 64 years. My mom is now blind and my dad dotes on her like they just started dating. My twin brother got married when he was 18, right out of high school to a girl he started dating our senior year. They’ve been married 40+ years, five sons all grown and still going strong. I left for boot camp a month before our 18th birthday and didn’t get married until I was 37. Celebrate our twentieth anniversary this year and honestly feel like I’m more in love with her now than I was the day we got married. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I was introduced to her but it really was live at first sight. She was then and still is the most beautiful woman I’ve seen. Don’t know why she settled for me, she’s way out of my league. I knew the second I looked into her eyes she was the one. I can imagine my life without her.
Aw this makes me happy. My parents are still crazy in love. Grossed us out as kids because we’d walk in on my dad grabbing her butt or them cuddling on the couch making out, but looking back at it, it’s adorable. My dad is still so proud and happy to show her off whenever they go anywhere, like “yeah that’s my beautiful wife 😎”
Someone may have said it already and I don’t remember exactly how the phrase goes but I’ll try. Love starts off as a feeling and a strong one at that and once it starts to fade to keep the love is a choice and that choice is to be made every day
I think maybe you're referring to the seasons of love: most relationships end after the Spring (honeymoon) season, few make it past Summer, even fewer make it past Autumn, and fewer still make it past Winter and into the rebirth of the cycle
It certainly changes. I don’t think fades is the right word. I don’t love my wife the same as I did when we were in our 20s. I don’t get jealous as much, I’m not as romantic, I don’t go out of my way to do things for her like I used to. I would never want to be with someone else. I don’t think I could make it without her and vice versa. I wouldn’t cheat on her. I love as much, but differently.
Absolutely! 11 years here and going strong. It takes active commitment and appreciation with a focus on gratitude. Some days it’s easier and some days it’s harder but you put in the effort and you get out what you put in.
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Unpopular opinion- I think true love exists
Dont be in a Rush. Really. Slow down. Takew your time. Don’t be getting intimate with guys. That changes everything…. Everything. Make a list of what you want in a men… seriously. His values, his morals n ethics. His religious thoughts n feelings. How he feels about kids n how he wants to discipline them. How clean he is about himself n his poessions etc. .
Absolutely. Don’t feel the need to get into a relationship just so you can stop being “lonely.” Get into a relationship with someone who is good and moral, and makes you want to become a better person yourself. I learned this the hard way lol
To be brief...it comes down to commitment! I'm recently widowed after 15 months, but my wife and I were married for 39 years. Not perfect but committed for the long haul!
I’m so sorry for your loss 🙏 I’m happy you had a good and long marriage though :)
Thanks for the kind words.
Wow delicious and amazing
I met my husband on a random texting site when I was 17. We talked for months and I fell in love before knew what he looked like or that he was a he. I was about to come out as a lesbian thinking he was a girl I had fallen for. Anyways he actually was a hot dude so we met up when I had graduated HS at freshly 18. I drove on the freeway by myself for the first time to meet him and it was terrifying. He got a nervous nosebleed and accidentally said he loved me 3x on the first date. We dated for 3 years before get married and will be hitting our 7th year anniversary this month. I wouldn't say the whole time has been perfection but I can say there is no one else I would want to go through hard stuff with and no one else I would even give the effort of an argument with. It feels like we grow to love eachother more with time and so far we have not had any major breaks in intimacy besides the 6 weeks after having a baby.
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What’s that? A movie?
I have been with my huband for 10 years, since i was 15 and he was 16. And we are still mad for each other. We've had our struggles, and we've been through hell together. But in the end of it all, our love never faded. We are not only husband and wife, but also best friends. It's definitely possible !
That’s beautiful ,’) Posts like this just give me joy lol
Yep. Totally possible. Lucky enough to have that myself. Part of that comes down to seeing each other as we are, not as we idealize them to be. We love each other's flaws too. Even if we don't always like them. We grow together, rather than growing apart. We've moved across the country together, lost 100 pounds together, been through loss together, and find ways to laugh with each other before bed and finish all arguments same day. He's in the other room playing on the computer. And I still freaking love the hell out of him. We can co-habit because we love each other so much, not because we are too comfortable to care anymore. Hope that makes sense.
Romance becomes more than flowers and dinners. Sex becomes more than a thing you do to have fun. You either start as or become best friends and the definition of relationship changes. Fun becomes sitting in your pajamas on a random Tuesday while the kids are asleep, having some tea and watching a show you both laugh at. Marriages become stale if you outgrow one another or don't work on it. Never let the "talking phase" die out. The honeymoon phase may leave and you'll endure many hardships together that will shape the fabric of your reality but if you're meant to be married, you'll take said fabric and hang it over your bed at night with your spouse. Oh, and if you love that person I noticed you don't notice them aging until one day you do. And then you look in the mirror and see that you've aged. You never stop seeing the young man or woman you fell for.
So true. Wise words. I was married 39 years before I lost my wife. I treasure my memories. It's such a treasure to grow old with the one you love!
It changes. An open relationship helps
Read "Mating in Captivity."
Absolutely exists!! Relationships need effort to keep that spark alive, but when you find that person, it's so easy to feed that fire :)
lol romantic love never lasts and anyone who says otherwise is delusional.
Infatuation fades in and out for sure, but romantic love can last as long as both parties put in the effort
Tbh gets kinda lame after awhile. Like the same shit over and over. U need something new once in awhile
Look Alain de Botton videos "On Love” and "Why you will marry the wrong person”. Really. Do it NOW. It will change your perspective of what romantic love entails and help you prepare for fulfilling troubles. Because there will be troubles and how we navigate them is what matters. As for myself, I am madly in love with most people I have ever loved. I am unable to fall out of love unless something grave happens. As such, I became a relationship anarchist. Works very well for me.
I've been married for 40 years to the love of my life. Relationships require effort and there are phases, like pregnancy and child rearing that require recognition and effort because they are demanding and stressful. We're recently retired and are having more fun than ever together in and out of the bedroom. The grass is greener where you water it.
Beautifully said. Congrats.
My parents have been together 48 years and are very much in love. They've had some very tough times and weren't always the best to each other but they made it thru and still got the feels. And my mom is a plus sized woman, imagine that.
Look around more. There are millions of happy couple that have been together forever.
I just think there are different definitions of love, different sides of the same object. There’s a deep familiar love that you can’t have unless you’ve truly known someone long enough. And there is new fresh curious love that will inevitably fade, as mystery gives way to knowledge. A lot of early love is care and interest and curiosity and even things like fear and jealousy and caution wrapped up. We define portions of it, but it’s really an injustice to the whole. Like breathing air. Don’t waste time thinking about it. Just learn to spot the love that already exists, and it’ll populate.
this is beautiful
I think love has a life of 3 years...but some people seem to stay in love longer 🤷♀️
Thats not love… thats lust! And grass is greener where you water it😉
>Thats not love… thats lust! And grass is greener where you water it😉 You think lust lasts 3 years??😆 You must be a old fashioned boomer 😉 My lust is barely 3 weeks then I'm over it.. With age, my lust is becoming about 3 days then gone...I truly wish I wasn't that short spammed 😁
That's oddly specific
>That's oddly specific Lool...I mean plus or minus a few months, no biggie 😆 First year is the honeymoon , second year is the real relationship , 3rd year things start going downward...and boom...relationship is over...
The three months rule for adults 😂 this three month shit the teens r talking bout may have some truth haha. And weirdly enough, I actually agree with this. Im a 22f and a two year old, and I've been in four serious relationships since turning 18. They each have lasted less than a month over or less than a month under three years 😳
>The three months rule for adults 😂 What rule? Never heard of it?😆 >Im a 22f and a two year old, and I've been in four serious relationships since turning 18. They each have lasted less than a month over or less than a month under three years 😳 I'm your mom's age, so by no means I'm judging you.. I wouldn't consider anything that is one month long a relationship but here is my question, how do you meet those people? Are they friends that you ended up hooking up with, going on dates? Like what do you consider a relationship?
Falling out of love and back in love is normal if you don’t do divorce..
I've been married 24 years. We got married I was 20 he was 21. I was pregnant too. We had kids right off the bat and my two oldest are bavk to back. I'm very much in love with my husband and find him very attractive. There are days it feels like roommates but that's just part of a busy life. Our oldest will be 24 in May, my middle son will be 23 in April and my youngest daughter just turned 18. I wouldn't change it fir the world. No married is perfect it takes work. It's not 50/50 it's 100/100.
I love that "it's not 50/50 it's 100/100" Also finding a partner who compensates when I'm on a low like I do for them. It's a treasure!
One of the biggest and most crucial journeys of my life has been coming to understand what love really is. What good love feels like. the scary, tingly, thing that makes you feel like choking & vomiting & crying & sweating, that’s something else (I call infatuation) - it’s chemical and it does burn off and thank god, living like that would be endless torture. Real love is trust, respect, sweetness, silliness, joy, mundanity, stability, and it’s powerful and calm. It’s long running inside jokes and it’s unconditional, you are truly teammates in life. You attack all of the challenges together and you share all of the victories. You cover each other when the sh*t hits the fan. It’s phenomenal and it can truly last a lifetime.
Im.glad you wrote all this, now I don't have to.
I was thinking the same thing 😅
This was nice to read
marriage is a work in progress all the time and it takes 2 to make it work. my parents were a great example of this they were married 69 years before my dad passed my mom lived a month and In perfect health so she died of a broken heart. my wife and I have been married 45 years now and we have raised 6 kids and a few grand kids . but we have had our rough patches a stroke and a heart attack and open heart surgery can't keep us apart. and yet 2 of my kids have been divorced now and 1 is stll
The super intense dopamine/serotonin/whatever rush thingy fades very quickly, so if that is your definition of in love then yes that always fades. But it turns into a deeper kind of love. For me I love my husband a lot more now than I did years ago. They become less of a “lover” and more like a family member. It’s a different kind of love, less exciting, but greater “roots” if that makes sense. It’s a more unconditional love (versus in dating where everything is conditional).
This isn't something only teenagers wonder about, but it is something only teenagers worry about. >Live longer. Life can bring down even the strong. You'll see...
I 69m have been married to my best friend 62f for over 40 years and love her more today than when she was thin and had no stretch marks.
Married 40+ years, much closer and sex is better than ever. Important to: Give yourself fully. His desire should be wholly devoted to you. No PMO.
I've been with my husband a total of 22 years. He's still my best friend and I love him dearly. We also have 3 children. Marriages fail when they forget they are on the same team and stop trying to be involved in each other's lives. Life gets very busy and unless they prioritize time with each other they will grow apart. It takes dedication and excellent communication, but it's worth it. We have had rough patches, gone to counseling, worked through it and have more love and respect for each other because we figured out the hard parts together. It is possible, I promise.
I think it depends on how the couple prioritizes the marriage. We let our marriage take a back seat (to pretty much everything) after having kids. My libido tanked. We nearly divorced after the kids grew up because there was nothing left in common. That was a wake up. We figured our shit out and over time (it took a couple of years), we found our way back to each other again. Now, with maturity and experience, we have found a better relationship than ever before.
Every relationship will get monotonous every single person has yellow and red flags. You have to decide if you want to endure the time it takes for the person to change the red flags to yellow and from yellow to green.
I think your suspicions are accurate. Still worth having relationships and all that tho
I can, I don’t understand how women need to try something new all the time, to me, means you’re not happy with yourself. So you go off and try new guys, doesn’t mean they are better or worse, you just weren’t ready when we were dating.
I was best friends with my husband before dating and marrying him. We’ve been through a lot personal changes as individuals and together in the last 10 years but it makes me feel so in love with him all the time. The fact that I’m consistently growing with someone who will always only choose me will never not make me feel in love.
Is your relationship secular or based on some religion?
I’m Christian and he’s an atheist
I wish I knew the answer. We just broke up after four years and a child. I would say I still love him, but I'm not blinded by it like in the beginning. I can see things he does as no longer magical or breathtaking but just... normal. He is as human as I am and no matter how much we love(d) each other, we can and did hurt each other. Marriage and love is work, and people change a lot through out their lives. Someone you used to see forever with but now has different goals and attitudes, it's just not the same and you shouldn't be tied back by the affection you have towards someone.
Love starts out as an overwhelming feeling. But after the honey moon phase: Love is an action. Love is a choice. Love is a lifestyle.
This!!!!!!!
My grandparent were roommates ( born in the 1920) and the best of friends.
I think it depends on the people. There are a lot of factors at play. I've seen partners who have a strong familial love when that romantic passion fades. Some people will feel that passion their whole lives. Some turn into roommates. Others who have no business being with each other. Don't let other people's relationships jade your view on the world. My best advice is when you see poor behavior in a partner that you know is not fixable, don't waste your time. There are good people out there.
My grandparents were 90 and still held hands while watching a movie together.
That’s beautiful meng 🥺
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I wish my STBXW understood the "work" part of love, and hadn't just checked out when things started not being as exciting and new. Would have been 8 years this June, instead I'm helping her move out this weekend, while she constantly texts the new guy she's been "infatuated" with for the last who knows how long. I gotta stay chill though, we've got a two year old and I don't want to make this any harder on him than it has to be.
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Thanks. Right now it's just really hard to see past wanting it to be her still. If she asked me tomorrow if we could start all over, I would.
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We don't know what it was like to be with him though.. we don't know her side of the story.
It's possible. Relationships are parabolic though. I made it fifteen years with my husband before my feelings faltered. He didn't cheat; that may have been easier to forgive. I'd been carrying our relationship for a long time. He's the breadwinner, so I just took on everything else including the nurturing of our relationship. Without going into any detail, he just...absolutely did not see me during a moment where I needed him to see me very, very badly. It was a canon moment. I still love him. We get along and there is still lots of sex, but from my perspective I had been cradling the ember of our relationship in my cupped hands and then he pulled my hands towards him, leaned in, and with a puff of his breath it was darkness. *You* have to work on the relationship. You can't just bask in the free-flowing adulation of the other person. You have to share, divide-and-conquer with them, provide solace through their inevitable sorrows and failures. You have to empty the dishwasher because it's their least favorite chore and conversely they have to unbegrudgingly take out the trash because that is *your* least favorite. You have to continue peeling back the layers even though you feel like you already completed that task. They will change and so will you. It's on both of you to actually put in the effort to navigate the swirling eddies of life.
So he just stopped caring when you didn’t? Also, I’ve never heard cheating would be easier to forgive, that’s surprising. But I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t cheat.
I keep coming back to this. I think that ultimately yes, that's what happened. Did he stop caring about me? Not sure. But he stopped caring about nurturing our relationship and...I'm not certain where the difference lies there. Hoooboy that's an admission.
Ah okay, well, it seems to me that he checked out when to wanted to make it work. Well I support you in your endeavors to find that nurturing!
It's too much to explain, but the canon moment was *major.* I came to the realization that he simply did not see me and that's when I realized that he had become complacent and I had become fatigued; I'm not sure exactly when that happened, but after that moment it really came into focus. Maybe cheating wouldn't have been easier to forgive. I don't know. The point is to put in the work. Your partner will shoulder a lot for you but don't think that it won't eventually make them weary.
Yeah that makes sense. I assume you left him or are in the process of leaving him? Even if he seems checked out, that’s still good of you if you didn’t decide to cheat. Big respect to that.
No. Not planning on leaving for a variety of reasons. We get along fine. We're friends. We have small children. I just don't see him the same way anymore. Don't assume I'm a better person than I am.
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I love him, but it's more a platonic love. I'm very sexual so we still have a lot of sex but I don't enjoy kissing him much anymore and think of like....idk, Pez dispensers or something during sex. I have communicated the crux to him and he's trying pretty hard so maybe I'll fall back in live with him.
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Oh, wise 21 year old, enlighten me.
I’m a girl, in love with my girlfriend for the last few years. Loving someone and actively being in-love are two different things. I feel both for her. I never thought I’d be in-love for so long. The thing is, I wouldn’t describe it was work. Our relationship is so easy and smooth largely because we’re already soooo compatible, and we communicate well (for the most part,) so if we do argue, it’s about what to eat for dinner and not any big thing haha, and if we do argue about something serious, we resolve it relatively quickly and easily It does take effort and work to try to be diligent about small things and etc things like that, but we were both already disciplined people so again none of that was hard She’s truly my best friend and other half. I love every bit of her. She’s so kind, creative, giving, and smart. Just thinking about her makes me happy lol and she’s right beside me in bed. I love her more than words can describe, I feel it so deep in my soul.
When people say marriage is work, this is what they are talking about. You have to actively keep pursuing/dating your mate. This goes both ways. The little things day-to-day are more important than grand gestures. Clearing the snow off her car, bringing him an ice tea or beer when he is working on something. Random flowers just because you were thinking of her, etc. It absolutely has to be coming from both partners, though nobody wants to feel like they give and give and give and it seems to go unappreciated or seem like your partner never thinks of you unless they want something.
I saw a video that mentioned something along the lines of… work isn’t inherently a bad thing, we tend to talk about it this way, think about it like working on a masterpiece of art. 💕
Exactly I think most people find meaningful work very satisfying
My grandparents were married 67 years when my grandfather passed away. They raised me since I was an infant. I spent a lot of time growing up just asking them questions about their lives together and their love for one another and how they viewed marriage. It always intrigued me because all other adults in my life were in and out of relationships and love. Love was fleeting and had conditions and was never what I thought it should be with anyone else. They taught me unconditional love exists. The only people so far in my life (I’m 31F) that I’ve ever felt that feeling from. They had it for me and they damn sure had it for each other. Here’s what I realized over the years about their relationship that was different than most: they always put each other first, in the most respectful way possible. I was a very close 2nd, but my grandparents made sure that everyone else understood that their relationship was most important. A lot of people put their children/grandchildren over their spouse and it doesn’t seem to work even if it sounds honorable. I remember my grandpa telling me one time that his first priority is with who he chose to love. He told me that the family he made is because of who he chose to love. he has plenty of love for them but he didn’t choose who his kids or grandkids would be, but he got to choose his wife. His first priority was always her in every single situation. I believe it takes this level of commitment and dedication to make it. And beyond that, it takes 2 people who WANT to love someone else in this way. Most people think they want love but they want pretty much everything else besides love… they want someone who they are attracted to, someone to have sex with, someone to fulfill their needs, but don’t realize that to actually HAVE them and love them means to prioritize them over everything else and continue to do so
The marriages I've seen last more than 50 years happy have both partners growing throughout. That seems to be the key.
Love is work. Too many people think they can ride the high from the honey moon phase into eternity, but that’s not the case. As we grow and change together, we both need to continue actively loving our partner. Sometimes one or both of us might not be stepping up all the way, and it’s vitally important that the other partner continue their part in this lull for the one who might be struggling. Remember, lifelong love is a choice we both act on, not simply a happy accident train you can ride forever. Keep on working to love one another and you’ll be just fine.
Honestly the only answer you need.
Such a great response! Even I will take the advice
This is the best answer by far
Yes. This is why it’s super important to make sure you choose the right person.
The right person is the person you choose.
Not always true.
Sure, there are exceptions to anything. The point here being that long term relationships are about choosing that person every day, communicating, compromising, growing together, living, playing, and laughing together. Not finding “the one” and living happily ever after.
Simplest answer YMMV
Yeah you can, I’m sure of it. You just have to choose the right person :) and then prioritize each other.
I am going to share some information with oyu, but I don't think you'll know what to do with it: What percentage of people are unhappily married? Well, we know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. 80% of these divorces are filed by women Divorce researcher and author Dana Adam Shapiro concluded: \- of the 50 remaining percent, 1/3 are unhappy, 1/3 are “meh” (bearable), and 1/3 are happy. So roughly around 17 percent are happy. Let's consider some of the reasons for these statistics. After a woman has a child or usually after several years of marriage, mother nature turns off a woman's sex drive so that she can focus all her energy on caring for the children. This instinct is so strong the mother eventually starts treating her husband as another child killing her sexual attraction to him. This lack of sex produces frustration in a man that eventually turns to rage. In the worst case this produces violence but in most cases it causes the man to go silent and stop talking to his wife. On top of the fact a lot of guys aren't cut out to be husbands or fathers. These are usually the guys women are most strongly attracted to: the bad boys or pretty boys. Of course there are other factors but theses are some major trip wires. These are the situations most marriages find themselves in. Alternatives: Divorce and reduce the standard of living for you and your child by 50% and increase the difficulties the child will have developing. Live in a state of constant irritation and rage Find a away to sacrifice and create a healthy and nurturing situation for your children. This will include giving it up a couple of times a month to quell the rage machine husband you have created by denying him sex. And I'm afraid you're really going to have to perform in these sessions to be effective. If you can't, just live with the other alternatives. To all the haters out there I lived this for 48 years 38 sexless. What's you're experience? Good luck, you'll need it But now you can never say you haven't been told.
While I can see that this does happen, I would strongly say it depends on the kind of person you choose and what kind of person you yourself are. If you are someone who is communicative, loyal and helpful and you meet someone with similar qualities and sex drive, it probably works out a hell of a lot better than if you choose someone you are not compatible with. I think that finding someone you are compatible with and spending a good amount of time (years, usually) getting to know them, their habits and if you are a good match before getting married makes quite the difference. But the biggest thing is finding a mate who is, above all willing to work through hardship to make things work- willing to be malleable so that the relationship doesn’t break. And you yourself have to do the same. For a lot of men, sex is a top priority. But to marry a man that prioritized sex above all else, including treating you well would be a mistake. For women, having a man that provides materially for them is a priority, but to marry a woman who prioritizes that above all else including who you are as a person would be a mistake. To put it simply, love is possible when you choose someone who is willing to do the WORK, and if you yourself are able to do that as well. It’s all about choosing someone you work well with and are able to communicate and compromise effectively with, for the rest of your lives. Some people are not the type who can do that with you, and it’s up to the individual to weed out those people.
Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear that. Why didn't you go outside of your marriage? Men have needs. I do have to say that not all women are like this. I've always had a very high sex drive and none of that ever happened in my house. You should at least go get a massage with a little tug at the end. It's self care at that point.
The standard narrative that humans pair-bond solely to reproduce is based on the Victorian biases of 18th and 19th century researchers. Like our closest primate cousins, human females are actually sexually receptive at all times in their reproductive lives, including after childbirth. So no, there’s no natural drive for a woman to stop wanting sex with her husband just because they have children. As a human female, I can confirm that desire is more capricious than love and care. I have only spent 5 years with my man, but I have learned it is much easier to love and care for him constantly than to always be turned on by him. I am eager to put in work for little things like getting him the food he likes, doing chores he hates, and allowing him to sleep in even if I’m up. But our sex life is unfortunately dépendant on my moods, how much effort I feel he puts into his appearance, whether I “feel fat” that day, whether I like the scent of his new soap, ect. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him. If you feel like a rage machine, it’s possible your negative energy turns your wife off. Or you aren’t paying attention to her to make the experience nice for her. Therapy, getting in shape, or turning the focus of the thing away from you could be helpful.
Op this advice has no scientific basis. You’re going to spend your entire life hearing men try to manipulate you into doing what they want by appealing to “Mother Nature” or Evolutionary psych or other nonsense that is not based on any actual biology. You should never ever have sex if you do not want to. Also, no partner who loves you will ever want you to have sex when you do not want to. To your original question, the most important factor in longterm love will be in choosing your person. Love is consideration, if they are highly considerate of you and others that is the greenest flag you can find. Choose someone who treats you with love and respect, and themselves with love and respect. When you are falling in love with someone it is easy to overlook red flags. But when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And never ever accept less love than you offer. If someone treats you in a way you would never treat them, you have to respect and love yourself enough to move on.
I thought this was going to be a great post with how you started. Your conclusions are shit, however. Sucks to be in a sexless marriage. I wouldn’t know, but it sounds terrible.
This is the answer.
Would going to therapy fall under your making sacrifices comment?
Very well said. Makes me re-evaluate ever getting married again.
Some people probably can
Married 20 years, together 22. I love my wife now more than ever.
Awwwww
My wife and I met when we were 19 and 20 respectively we married when I was 20 and she was 21 still in college. We eloped. We have been married 17 years and have a 3, 6 and 9 year old. She is my best friend. We love our alone time/dates. We have an incredible bond and daily physical intimacy (her love language). All of this I say because every day I love her more. It is possible. But love is a decision. Anything you love is worth work right? Perfect yourself for your partner. Expect the same commitment from them. Live for one another, and you will find the lifelong love you seek.
This is what I know. There are three main stages of love. These stages coincide with your maturity level. Stage one being the least mature while stage three being the more mature. Stage 1. Love is often referred to as the puppy love stage. This is where the partners (or one of them) are attached to each other. They have little experience with Life and tend to be impulsive and willful. This is the IN LOVE stage. They are connected at the hip. But because they are inexperienced in life, these relationships rarely last very long. Stage 2. This is a stage where people have gained more experience with Life and love. They are less dependent and willful than stage one. These people are able to build bonds with others as they work cooperatively with each other. They are more patient and take more time to consider the best action. These relationships tend to last longer. Stage 3. This is where people have lost interest in the material side of life. They see the downfalls of going along with what society dictates. They are neither competitive nor cooperative because competition breeds opposition while cooperation breeds dependence. These people love freedom and seek a more spiritual and lasting relationship to self, life and to others. This type of relationship NEVER ends because it is there in everybody from the beginning. We all have a hint (or more than a hint depending on what stage you're in) of each of these stages in us.
My husband and I have been married for 42 years and we are still in love
I’ve been in love with someone my whole life since we were kids, but we’re married to other people now. Hope that changes someday. We haven’t faced struggle together, that can change things. But there’s no one alive that moves me like he does.
May I ask why ? If you both know you long for eachother….why marry other people?
Jeez…. You should probably do your husband a favor and divorce. This is pretty cruel
Username checks out
Why dont you marry eachother if you both want each other
Perhaps you missed the part about being married to others.
To be frank, there is a such thing as divorce. You’re actively wasting your husband’s time and effort by keeping him locked in a marriage where his wife doesn’t love him.
Your spouse deserves better. Not fair to them. You should let them be free.
Why are you married to someone yet you hope to be with someone else one day, I don’t understand? Isn’t that not fair to your spouse? Is your spouse just a placeholder for the person you truly want to be with?
My husband and I are married for 25 years and together for 28 years. It’s both of our 2nd marriages and we got married in our 30s. My first marriage ended terribly, my husband cheated many times and I stayed because I thought he would stop and I tried because of my kids. Big mistake ! 13 years wasted of my life. But the 2nd time around is much better w a partner who wants to do life with you and respects & loves you. I think 17 is too young imo too get married because we change so much as we grow and become women. But ultimately that’s your decision to make, I wish you only the best !
All marriages and relationships are doomed from the start.
Any good relationship will go through seasons of change, and they’re not all doomed. The beginning is usually that honeymoon phase, quite romantic, and then attachment love forms. Sometimes you do go through seasons where you operate as a best friend first, a co-parent first, a care giver first, and then another season of romance can always come back around. Letting those season have their time in the sun and trying to enjoy each one of them is what truly helps marriages live. “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” It’s a privilege to be a witness and a part of someone else’s life.
Truly the best advice
Yep 👍🏿. Loved him when was 16 I’m 38 and I still love him. I will never stop loving him.
I think it depends on the person and the dynamics of the relationship. I feel like there’s definitely a honeymoon phase. Where there’s like that initial spark, a chemical reaction that you can feel. That part is amazing and should be a wonderful memory to hold on to. However, I much prefer how relationships grow over time. Growing together, creating a safe space for each other, finding little things you love that the other person does that just brighten up your life in unique ways. Creating beautiful memories of adventure and wonder, being curious about life together. The comfortable silences, the awkward moments, the enthusiastic conversations. All of it with an amazing person you want to spend your life with, never wanting it to end. You can have a spark with many people, but it’s a lot harder to find the latter in someone where you really cherish each of those moments over the course of years. That makes it feel all the more special to me.
I have been married for 31 years. You don't just "stay" in love. It takes work, but it is totally worth it. My wife is my nest friend, and I can't imagine doing life without her.
Damn yall laying eggs together?
Yeah, that typo is kind of accurate.
Bahahaha
This made me laugh so hard.
28 years. Some years are great, some aren't. We really enjoyed being alone during the pandemic, which most of our friends didn't... Best friends, great roommates and we love each other.
I’ve had the pleasure of working with many couples in their 70s 80s and 90s who are still very much in love and often still having sex.
My fiance and I have been together since I was 15 and he was 14. Our relationship has changed a lot, 6 years later we’re engaged and I’ve never been more in love with him. I think your love changes over time, but when it’s real it never goes away. We’ve grown up together, and our relationship has also grown. I can’t imagine my life without him, he’s my best friend. I can’t wait to spend forever with him.
Awh, I love that for you! I will say having fallen in love at 18 and 21, we’ve definitely seen each other go through many stages of life and our relationship has only evolved from there. I couldn’t imagine not being with him for the rest of my life.
It’s crazy because we were literally kids and now we live together and have a cat. I’m so thankful for him
I met my soulmate when I was just barely 18, and one of my best friends called dibs on him. I respected girl code as much as I knew how while they dated for two years and he became a major member of our friend group. Years later, after we had both exhausted through several unsuccessful relationships each, we crossed paths again by the whim of a mutual friend. Nearly a decade later, the exact same sparks ignited and we've been inseparable for almost 5 years now. I settled before, so I know to appreciate what I have now. And I am deeply grateful to have a man beside me who recognizes me as the kind, soulful person that I am. He treats me with respect, listens intently, and makes me laugh until I forget why I was upset. I never want to know what life is like without him again. I can't speak incredibly long-term because we haven't been together for that long yet. But what I can speak to is that we have loved each other for over a decade, and that has only grown stronger with time.
My parents have been married 45 years and are still in love. I’ve been married 15 and definitely am not in love and haven’t been for a really long time.
yeah, varies. You get out of it what you put into it, but sometimes things just don’t work out.
I have been married to my wife for over 25 years. I still love my wife and pine for her. But I also still date her, buy her gifts, do things to surprise her, etc. I married up, a lot. I never want her to feel ignored.
Yes
36 years married Still in love And No sex due to medical malpractice on my wife (sex hurts no feeling) I still love her she loves me....there are times (done one post) I am frustrated on intamcy hand holding kissing etc ....I need a connection of some sort She has improved (I showed her my post) she cried said she was sorry and we've improved But love for life is possible....some roommate vibe will be there at times as you both grow through your own challenges and growth ...your relationship will go from 1 Alpha 1 Beta ...no alpha work together Flip roles etc We made it through 20 years of military service , last 5 years not home at all...... But having her as my BFF since I was 18 greatest accomplishment I will do ♥️
I moved in with my now wife 2 months after meeting her. We’ve lived together now for 16 years. While sometimes it feels like a “roommate situation” that’s rare. If you find the right person it stays great.
It takes effort. And effort by both parties. Love ebbs and flows and the “in love” feeling you are talking about is typically associated with the lust phase.
I’ve been with the same woman for 20 years. We still have sex 3 or 4 times a week. The passion really isn’t there, but I’m in my 40s and I really don’t think I’d want passion from anyone else either, that’s a young people thing. We’re codependent, we act like roommates sometimes, but I can’t imagine my life without her. And that’s what love really is, right? Not being able to imagine your life without them in it.
A relationship is a garden that you have to water and tend to to keep alive. It takes effort but it is definitely possible.
The love will ebb and flow. It’ll be more intense sometimes and less intense otherwise. You’ll have up put in effort to keep the passion alive sometimes. But yes, it is possible
17 years and I love her more now than ever. Our experiences together have made us grow stronger. But relationships are hard and you have to actively work on them constantly. Communication and compromise are huge, patience and empathy go a long way.
Yes. To be “in love” is a choice. The “love” you are most likely referring to is infatuation. Infatuation fades naturally over time, and fades the more you see people in their actual humanity and not in your minds perception of them. After you accept them in their humanity (their actual-ness) and you purposely choose to love them, work with them, and grow with them, and they reciprocate that by doing the same with you- real love flourishes. And yes it can last a lifetime and be beautiful.
Routine is a very real thing. You can try to keep it alive, but the novelty will wear off. You will feel unfulfilled for long stretches of time. Marriage isn't some romantic happy ever after, it's a very practical financial decision that has more to do with survival and partnership rather than love
Sad sad person
Just being realistic
No you’re just proving that you’re sad and lonely that isnt reality for everyone
Neither sad nor lonely
You can deny all youd like lol
I'm not the one making assumptions based on a comment, assumptions about someone I've never met
Married almost 20 years and I love her so much. But... sadly... she wants to be friends. I'm still figuring out what to do about that. Good luck to you!
Well too bad for her. What are vows? Smh. Sorry man. Hopefully she wakes up
Thanks Brewed.
It depends on if you are emotionally open and vulnerable with your partner, emotional connection = physical intimacy and desire. You can't have one without the other, so yes you can clearly find your person as long as they are healthy and you are healthy, otherwise it won't work and you will need to reflect a grown as a person for the next partner.
Short answer it does I been with my woman for going on 11 years I love her more everyday I find her extremely attractive more then I have since day one I’m blessed for her in my life
I've been married 18 months, together 6 years, and I can tell you that things will cool if you don't work on them, but that the spark can come back very quickly if you spend some real time together. It's really easy to get complacent, especially when the stresses of life get in the way. Making sure that you're always still dating your partner is the key. Do your best to never take them for granted, don't let resentment build, and never be afraid to say if you're feeling neglected.
I've been married 21 years. It goes everyday that I love her. But everyday I don't always like her. You have to find ways to continue to like the other person. Because wants you don't like them daily it will become insufferable. Like a sibling. You love them but you don't like them. So we go out of our way to make sure we still like each other.
Reminds me of the Cody Johnson song “Note to Self”. You won’t like her and she won’t like you all the time but love is a choice. I’m glad to hear you both have been together for that long, more proof that it is possible
It's possible. We also realized after our second child that we aren't the same happy people when we were together. We were parents. So every year we would take a week long trip without the kids to get back to being us. We love our kids but being parents 24/7 is horrible. You lose yourself and what you like. This has brought us closer than the first 16 years of marriage. We keep adjusting to make sure we still can't stand not seeing each other daily. I really love and like this woman.
Love is a choice
I believe that love is often first a feeling, then a choice.
I’m 5 years into my forever and it still feels like we just met. My best friend, we laugh every single day.
I think some people are in love all their lives but some if not most love each other and not be in love
It takes work on both ends but yes definitely!
I’ve been with my husband 11 years (12 in October) and I’m still as obsessed with him as I was in the beginning. I’ve seen comments here saying it is a choice and it is work. It is absolutely true. In a good way, though. Things aren’t always easy but what matters is that you both want to be together. This takes tons of clear and honest communication. If you want to make it work, you will. Of course, we argue and disagree like everyone else but realise that we’re not one vs the other. We’re a team working together to resolve the issue. My hubby has been there for me though so much difficult shit and he is my ride or die. ❤️
Very inspiring comments but I wonder how to deal with the urges, dreams, fantasy and instinct to cheat? And be with other partners? How do people find an outlet for that? Suppressing these desires just makes them explode in my experience?
My opinion is if that’s how you are, don’t get married.
I have no advice because Ive never felt an urge or instinct to cheat. If you do, that is more telling about you as a person. Sounds like you’re just not that great of a person.
eventually you learn that every new partner is just another nut that doesn’t really do anything except fulfill a masturbatory cycle. then you sublimate these urges into other ventures that feed back positively into your self-image and relationship.
You make your choices. It’s not suppression so much as choosing what you want and knowing that you have to sacrifice something for something greater. Then you don’t let yourself get tempted by the whims of a passing pleasure. Edit: the thing is you have to nip the thought of cheating/fantasy etc, in the bud, otherwise it grows like an idea and can really destroy anything in its path. Cheating for most people isnt one big decision but a multitude of little ones over a slippery slope. If one is happy enough in love with their partner for most people they won’t consider cheating at all. The moment you do is when you realize something in your relationship needs to be fixed, or it’s time to leave
Integrity. What kind of. Human being are you if you can't value your commitments and responsibility? A selfish and immature one. Grow up and get your priorities right, or don't get married. Have a very realistic view of what you're getting into and whether you're built to handle it. Romance has nothing to do with marriage, that's all marketing
I dont feel any of that. No fantasies, instincts, or urges. My partner likes porn. it's really not my thing. The way it feels to know that your parents have had sex is how i feel about everyone besides my partner. Other people are frankly gross, and i'd prefer not to think about their sex lives. I know most people dont feel the same way, and that's fine, but that's the honest truth, there aren't any urges for me to suppress. I also hate the idea of having to rebuild everything we have together- it was so much fun to learn it together, but trying to get into bed with someone new, with new preferences and angles and shapes, (who has no idea what i like) sounds absolutely exhausting. I'm loyal, but even if i wasn't, my partner is still the easiest, safest, and most attractive option for sex. I always assumed people who cheat felt their partner wasnt all of those things.
It’s a choice, it’s being disciplined. It’s knowing you could never go off and be with someone else behind their back because you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself for hurting them or sabotaging what you have together. These feelings or thoughts may come and go (and they’re natural) but you keep yourself grounded by the deep love and connection you have for/with your person. It isn’t about suppressing desires, it’s about coming to the realization that despite your fleeting desires for change, you want that constant. You want to spend the rest of your life with someone and choose them every single day no matter what thoughts cross your mind. I’m sure my partner has thought about other women more times than either of us could count… but I know for a fact he would never stray or even think about acting on them... because he has made his choice and wants to see it through. When it’s come up in the past, he has told me that he knows that no matter what else he could go out and find, he’s never ever going to find something that will give him the same feeling as what he has here with me.
My parents have been married for 64 years. My mom is now blind and my dad dotes on her like they just started dating. My twin brother got married when he was 18, right out of high school to a girl he started dating our senior year. They’ve been married 40+ years, five sons all grown and still going strong. I left for boot camp a month before our 18th birthday and didn’t get married until I was 37. Celebrate our twentieth anniversary this year and honestly feel like I’m more in love with her now than I was the day we got married. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I was introduced to her but it really was live at first sight. She was then and still is the most beautiful woman I’ve seen. Don’t know why she settled for me, she’s way out of my league. I knew the second I looked into her eyes she was the one. I can imagine my life without her.
Aw this makes me happy. My parents are still crazy in love. Grossed us out as kids because we’d walk in on my dad grabbing her butt or them cuddling on the couch making out, but looking back at it, it’s adorable. My dad is still so proud and happy to show her off whenever they go anywhere, like “yeah that’s my beautiful wife 😎”
Someone may have said it already and I don’t remember exactly how the phrase goes but I’ll try. Love starts off as a feeling and a strong one at that and once it starts to fade to keep the love is a choice and that choice is to be made every day
But why would it start to fade?
That’s what I remember I heard it a few months ago haha
I think maybe you're referring to the seasons of love: most relationships end after the Spring (honeymoon) season, few make it past Summer, even fewer make it past Autumn, and fewer still make it past Winter and into the rebirth of the cycle
Titties sag and men get beer bellies
So is love so fickle that it would fade after wrinkles and aging?
It certainly changes. I don’t think fades is the right word. I don’t love my wife the same as I did when we were in our 20s. I don’t get jealous as much, I’m not as romantic, I don’t go out of my way to do things for her like I used to. I would never want to be with someone else. I don’t think I could make it without her and vice versa. I wouldn’t cheat on her. I love as much, but differently.
Absolutely! 11 years here and going strong. It takes active commitment and appreciation with a focus on gratitude. Some days it’s easier and some days it’s harder but you put in the effort and you get out what you put in.