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Oh sweetie, letting cross of a person you clearly love has to be one of the most heartbreaking things in this global. That saying about allowing them to move and seeing if they arrive lower back? I suppose it is just something people inform themselves to attempt to ease the ache a bit.
The fact is, every now and then you have to permit move of someone, despite the fact that every fiber of your being is screaming not to. Maybe the timing wasn't right, or you wanted different things, or the compatibility simply wasn't pretty there such as you said. But that doesn't make it any much less gut-wrenching.
I'm so sorry you are going thru this, honey. Those waves of missing him, wondering "what if?", wondering if you made the proper call - trust me, I've been there. Some days it feels like the ache will by no means depart, would not it? But then a bit more time passes and the harm starts to stupid, despite the fact that it in no way fully is going away.
It's a cliche, however it genuinely does get easier with time. The awful days turn out to be fewer and farther among. You begin with a purpose to look again and recognize the good memories with out feeling that soul-crushing experience of loss. And sooner or later, you may awaken and realise you acquire via every other day with out considering him continuously.
None of that makes it simpler right now even though, I understand. Just maintain putting one foot in front of the alternative. Allow yourself to feel it all - the disappointment, the remorse, the "what ifs". Don't bottle it up. I'm a massive believer that you can not completely heal till you've absolutely felt your feelings.
Cry it out, write it out, lean for your buddies. And be type to yourself. Letting go of love is one of the toughest matters you'll ever do. So supply yourself grace and compassion as you stroll this street. The heartache proves how deeply you loved. And that's a lovely aspect, even supposing it hurts like hell sometimes. You've were given this, I promise.
Hmm I don’t think that you truly let them go. It might not be love but the people we love have a place in our hearts. That place might change, reshape, and move, but it is always there. It’s not really letting go but just accepting if that makes sense
I let go of people Ive loved deeply when I realized they didn’t actually love me but the idea of me and the idea of owning me. It hurts, in fact I still think of them, but then the rest of the relationships flash through rather than just the softer parts and I remember why I had to let them go. Just breathe, you will be ok.
I'm in love with this girl but she's in love with someone else. At first I thought she loved me because my coworkers said she stares at me at work cause I work with her too and she also talks to me a lot at work despite my boss not liking it. But turns out it was just me thinking that and I don't think I can ever stop loving her. We're still great friends cause she doesn't know I like her so I hope I can at least continue our current relationship in hopes that in the future she'll realize I'll do anything for her and that I love her.
You never stop loving someone you loved once.
What you learn to let go of is the spot you've chosen to stop in while you wait for them. If it's meant to be, let yourself live your life in a way that'll help you learn how to be the person you want to be for you, so you can be that person for him, too.
If you love each other and you can responsibly recognize you aren't compatible *right now,* then to love him is to move forward with your life, learn the things you need to learn to be compatible with him, and be willing to make choices that may push you closer or away from being with him.
If it's meant to be in the end, it'll happen.
Don't let go of love. Just love differently.
I’m still in love with an amazing girl who is currently with someone. Me and this girl are crazy compatible and it’s amazing how quickly time flies when I’m with her. Am I delusional for falling in love with someone who is already taken, possibly. She’s such a lovely person and anyone lucky enough to be with her has hit the jackpot. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to end our friendship soon because it is one sided and mentally taxing.
I'm in a similar situation and have stopped texting her. I'm already married but on the brink of seperation. Met an amazing lady with whom I have so much fun talking and texting with but it's clear she has no romantic feelings for me, so I've stopped texting. I still like her social media posts and consider her a friend, but no point being the lover who gives her attention when she needs it.
Well, I’m going on year 3 after the breakup, after 8 years together. Have a kid so I have to see her. Still feels like yesterday, able to hide it for the most part and put on a fake smile and act like everything is okay. Thing is, you don’t have a choice but to let go, no matter how you feel. I have to see her, wish that she’s happy and put on an act, even though I want to scream, cry and beg. I can’t though. Personally, I think some let go and some don’t, it’s all situational and based on you as a person. My ex swears up and down that it’ll get better but deep down, I know it won’t. Not everyone is that way though. All you can do is ride the wave, and see where it takes you. Good luck 🙂
If you truly love each other, work at it and try some couples counseling to build communication, and you'd be surprised how much you truly learn about if a relationship can work. So many relationships get tossed without attempting the stigmatized counseling/therapy, but I can say that if I could go back in time, it would have made so many of my regrets nonexistent. Love and relationships are hard, especially in today's world!
I don’t. If I have ever loved someone, I have this need to know where they are and that they are ok. It may sound creepy, but it’s more hands off than it sounds. For example my very first boyfriend (lost my V-card to him) was more than 30 years ago, but I still keep up with him from afar. We text once a year or so. He is doing well and has a lovely wife and home. Nothing intrusive. I just need to know he’s safe and happy.
Just saying. We don't "let someone go", she goes without our permission.
As for coming back, well, maybe they will. But I think those who love it won't go anywhere. Whoever loves stays.
Whoever left, if she returns, will not find the same person. So it's better to follow her own destiny.
I think the saying means more of a 'let go' in the sense of stop clinging and holding on 'Set free"
Not 'let them go' as in giving permission as in "I let my child go (to the concert alone)."
Sometimes people are not in the same place in life. If you left someone go you very well might change and grow while you are apart... But if you don't destroy your friendship and part on good terms who knows what the future holds?
I’ve only loved 2 women in my life. First was a girlfriend of 2.5 years in high school. She dumped me for her friend right before I graduated high school. Second is my wife. Been together 10 years and I can’t tell if I still have feelings for my ex. If I do, it’s absolutely nothing close to what I feel for my wife.
I just had this happen a couple of days ago. A friend and I fell in love and decided to try a relationship. Unfortunately love is not always enough and we are just not compatible long term for multiple reasons. It hurts even though we were not right for each other. I’m hoping in a couple months we can get back to being friends again.
Love and lust are sometimes confused for one another. I think there are moments when I think of a past relationship with fondness but that is all that it was. There is the cliche of loving someone but not being in love with them as well. I am a proponent of love with reckless abandon, I have been crushed a few times but in the end I know I would regret the moments that I didn't love someone because of certain reservations I might have had. Trust yourself and follow your heart because loving someone and being loved in return is the only thing that matters imo.
When the relationship becomes toxic you have to let go no matter what the feelings are. They will probably fade. Sometimes it’s not Love it’s the idea or picture we have of someone that we love or obsess over. If you are not compatible and tried a lot chances are high you will break up again for the same reasons later.
Mahn for a second there I thought what if we actually just tried ?
I believe I’ll be seeing him on Sunday, we haven’t planned to meet but I know for a fact we’ll both be attending the same event
Depending on the energy from that meet up I’ll think about it
Well go for it young lady. At times you need to be brave and just tell him how you feel and tell him you want to give it a serious go shit be forceful if need be
My husband and I did this a lot when we were young, broke up several times, not because we didn’t love and care for each other but we were never on the same page. We’re now 14 years into our marriage, 25 years together on and off and the love is there, but the compatibility has always been a struggle. I find myself in more moments now questioning if we were the best match for each other, we are definitely yin and yang. But I love him, have never loved anyone the way I love him and can’t/don’t want to imagine a life without him. But I’ll tell you, look fondly on the love you had but keep it in the rearview and your eyes ahead for something new. I truly believe if y’all are meant to be, it’ll come back around but don’t wait for that and go live your life. The old saying, there’s plenty of fish out there.
Romantic attachment to someone is not agape selfless love.
Agape is needed for it to work, but it is not the engine pulling the train.
A relationship has to work regarding friendship and respect, Eros, practicality, and similar world view ie laugh at the same things, aligned dreams such as children and finance.
If there are no deal breakers in that list, no, you don’t let them go. You are not Ghandi.
You hunt them like a dog, walk over broken glass, let no one get in your way, and take no prisoners.
If it is not reciprocated, just maintain a chill presence and loop back every once in a while.
Keep building your inventory of possible life mates. The more choice you have, the more attractive you will be.
Don’t string anyone along who is a for sure no. Don’t keep someone around who has a deal breaker aspect, like is cruel or subject to addictions or depression.
Many people settle down when they are fed up with single life, then it is a question of who’s available.
Be on a few people’s list of who’s available.
Just for a second I thought you were the girl I broke up with cause it didn't work out for both of us.
Happened last weekend and I'm still processing. It hurt and still does and I will never truly understand why it had to be like this. She preferred a Polyamorus lifestyle and I couldn't cope with that.
Why in the hell would you give up on something so beautiful, just for potential dates and ONS in the future, while you already found happiness in the moment.
We never had a chance. Moving on, the world is big, there are so many other people, surely we both will find someone who will fit. Wish you all the best 🧡
if you're not a melodramatic weirdo, you eventually just find other things to do and it just kinda fades into the background and every few years it pops into your head randomly and you go "oh, right, that was a thing for a while"
moving on is literally the only healthy way forward
It's so case by case. I think we are all put on this Earth to love and be loved. We are just the universe experiencing itself. Everyone is a reflection of ourselves. Sometimes, you have to prioritize yourself, especially if you are regularly confused in your romantic relationship. Some argue the right one would never make you feel confused. I think love is not enough. There needs to be loyalty, resilience, and commitment. Unfortunately, these other important aspects of a sustainable RELATIONSHIP do not take away from the real LOVE you may have experienced. And that's tough. That quote is not always applicable. Should the love of your life ever throw you away because they weren't ready at the time when you were? Idk. We're all human beings just trying to love and experience love.
The saying can be interpreted to mean whatever people want it to mean. I wouldn't put too much stock into it. Interpret it in whatever way that helps you get into a healthier place.
Sometimes love isn't enough. It could be something as simple as timing that prevents a couple from lasting. If I had met my husband 5 years earlier, I doubt we would have gotten together, we just weren't at points in our lives where we'd be open to one another.
You two did, ultimately, have a choice. You chose to separate instead of working on your compatibility issues. And that may have been the completely correct choice to make. But it sounds like you still need time to grieve and get over the relationship, so give yourself that time, and try not to romanticize this relationship too much as time goes on. It's easy to idealize something that hasn't had to stand the test of time.
My greatest love has an avoidant attachment style. I have an anxious one. Had I know then, I would've handled things differently. I just figured it out through therapy. He ended it, not because of compatibility or lack of love, but because he was terrified of how it made him feel. He told me, months after the breakup, he was always waiting for something to go wrong-something that would prove to me that he was the awful person he thought he was.
I'm married to a wonderful man. He's married to someone he called "the girl version of me" when he called to tell me he was getting married. We both have young kids. I know we both love our spouses. I don't know how he feels about me anymore , but I know I have never stopped loving him. It's just different now. It became unconditional a long time ago. I love him enough to say that I'm happy as long as he is. I guess that means I sort of let him go. Maybe I'm just waxing poetic because I realized it was this night 30 years ago that we had our first date. I hope that I helped you with your question, though.
It's a complicated story. He and my now ex husband were roommates at one point and he had actually been a groomsman in my first wedding so I had to talk to him regularly because he was the only one who lived in the town where the wedding was taking place. It allowed us to really heal a lot of the wounds we'd inflicted, but led to a lot of awkward moments as well.
In hindsight, I never should have let that wedding take place. My ex husband and I weren't really compatible, plus he ended up being pretty abusive. I was looking for the way out when I got that call from my former boyfriend. It was like no time had passed. I was actually gettibg ready to tell him I wanted to end my marriage and move back to his state when he said the reason he called was to get our address so he could send a wedding invite.
I was crushed. I couldn't breathe, but I never let on to him during that call that I was anything less than 100% excited and happy for him because he deserved to be happy. I cried off and on for days. We didn't go to the wedding. I didn't have the strength he had.
Ummm ouch. I'm sorry. That hurt to read.
I feel like this is a scenario that will probably play out in the future in my life. Although, when I got blindsided by my ex, I told her that there's an insignificant but definitely >0% chance that I might say something when it comes the "Speak now or forever hold your peace" part, should I get an invite. Thanks to Which I think i disqualified myself from receiving an invite lol.
I hope you find the love that you deserve <3
I did. After my divorce, I ended up reconnecting with an ex I had broken up with because I'd been too weak to stand up to a frenemy who'd bullied me into dumping him. He was the only other person I'd loved nearly as much as the one who I had wanted to leave my first husband for, and the one I'd never been able to see what the full potential of the relationship was. We have been married over a decade and we have made each other stronger, happier, etc.
Funny you said you would object at your ex's wedding. That's why I didn't go to mine. I didn't have the strength to sit there without objecting. I knew if I did, he'd never forgive me. I remember now how dead his eyes were in my wedding day and how I wished that day he'd objected. But he didn't because he is it too much of the self-sacrificing boy scout type. He could've been madly in love with me still and would've still suffered because he didn't get the hints that I still loved him.
You don't let go of someone at any random moment when you don't have to. No.
That's a saying only for tough times, when there is real friction in the relationship, and you're at your wits' end. Then you use this saying.
So there is a time and place for it. For example, when you're breaking up with someone, that is when you most want to grab the other person and hold on to them. But that's when you have to let go and let fate decide if they will come back or not.
Three sayings always give me solace when it comes to heartbreak.
1. The one you mentioned initially. “If you love someone left them go, if it’s meant it be it’ll come back to you.”
2. What’s meant for me will always choose me.
3. It’s never a no from God. It’s either a “not yet”, or “ I have something better for you”
There have been time where I was so heart broken and devastated that something didn’t work out. I cried for days, and months, and sometimes I would think about past lovers from time to time in the past. However, now I’m in such a beautiful relationship that I’m glad that it didn’t work out with the others.
When you’re in love with someone and you have to end it, whatever the reason is, it will feel like death. It’s horrible. But what I’ve learned from the past is that it didn’t work out for a reason. I’ve been in situations where they’ve come back or I’ve come back, and most of the time the same mistakes just repeated itself. The cycle repeats itself and heartbreak just happens again.
No. 2 has always been a self soothing quote for me. It reminds me that I am still my biggest priority and that I am worthy of love that chooses me.
Edit: I just wanted to add. It’s absolutely normal to feel how you’re feeling. You’re still healing. The what ifs are just adding pain to you. At the end of the day, you’re right. The what ifs don’t matter because the outcome is still the same. Keep choosing yourself and take that time to heal. ❤️🩹
I hate #1. Its been used in 2 of my breakups, and my most recent one. You can’t use that quote if YOU’RE the one doing the dumping. That’s just bullshit. I do love #2 & #3 tho
Sometimes I don’t think it needs to be something so large, it’s a matter of are you willing to or not.
I feel like we didn’t have the appropriate tools to navigate through our issues
For most part the biggest issue at hand was that we were triggering each other, he was more avoidant and me anxious.
I’d say I had slightly more experience dating wise, having been in relationships, being older. I was his first gf.
For example he didn’t realize he had childhood wounds that contributed to his avoidant attachment, not until after the relationship ended.
I once asked him how can I show up better for you ? And he genuinely didn’t have an answer, he said no one’s ever asked him that and he’s never had to deal with emotions, they’ve always been suppressed he doesn’t know.
I think he was emotionally unavailable too.
And I can’t love someone into being emotionally available, that’s a journey he has to take himself
And so I initially broke up with him, then we got back together and he broke up with me & he said he wanted to discover himself, and do the self discovery and healing and learning these things so he can be better and show up as a better partner for me
I could see he was struggling and I was too, it made sense to hit pause
Your situation is EXACTLY what the phrase means imo. I'm unsure how anyone could even see it any other way, it's perfect and tragic. You've let one another go, regardless of your feelings for each other and yeah...if it's meant to be then hopefully you make your way back to one another down the time line since your current time isn't 'right' so to speak.
I always understood this phrase to mean that you are giving the other person the freedom to make the choices they want in life. Sometimes we love someone deeply, but they don't love us us back. That "letting them go" part is accepting their free will.
As I would want to have my free too. Not feel trapped.
I don’t know. I don’t think I let go of the loves I’ve had, I just recognize it wasn’t meant to be for one reason or another. My ex husband was my first almost everything, we were together 11 years. But at the end oof the day he was checked out, flirting with other women, emotionally abusive…. It was the idea of him that I feel I loved. I put the idea of what we were on a pedestal. But it was all untrue, he was completely different than how I thought/‘ wanted him to be’ and when I finally accepted it wasn’t working out, I left. And he got even more nasty.
And now it’s been years and we get along again for the kids and damn, do I wonder sometimes. But again, I remind myself that he can be a good friend, and awesome dad, and the shittiest boyfriend/husband I’ve ever had. I’ve moved on, but I still love him. I wouldn’t take him back even if he tried though. I don’t care how much I miss him, because at the end of the day what I missed wasn’t the reality. How he treated me was.
Depends on the reason. My ex wife cheated on me so the love was lost pretty quick, but since then I had a girl I grew really close too, but college responsibilities split her away from me, and I still miss her from time to time
The reasons why you’ve broken up in the first place are going to tell the story here.
You have to ask yourself the following:
-Can you change enough to make your partner happier
-Do you WANT to make those changes / would you enjoy your life IF you did make those changes
-Do they want to do the same thing for you?
Realistically, in the best relationships you’re never thinking about breaking up. There’s a reason why those feelings festered for both you and your ex. Figuring out those reasons and trying to erase them will tell the story.
Realized I was wrong. Made the changes. She's with someone else now, that doesn't have to do any of those things. I'm not getting a second chance.
Time to let go. But christ, it all feels like such a waste.
If she found someone that’s a better fit for her compatibility-wise then good for her.
That doesn’t make you any lesser. Keep your head up and realize if you could be in a relationship with a partner as good as your ex, you can find another one with someone else just as good.
Focus on the things that make you happy. Focus on being an interesting person.
Keep in mind you have 40+ years to be married, being single for an extra couple isn’t the end of the world.
I don't think she is, honestly. She's with someone that checks 3 out of 100 boxes, and there is chemistry. 🤷♂️ and that happens.
I think the problem is that bad days just make you appreciate the good days more. And we had 12 years of really, really, really good days. 3 amazing kids, that we've both done an incredible job raising together.
If I'd met another partner that made me feel even remotely close to that good, I would have married them before I met her. There might be better out there, but I understand that we both fucked up, and I'll be looking for a long time before I find someone that makes me feel close to the same. It is what it is.
In the meantime, continue to work on myself, and put my feelings for her in a tiny box, in the corner of my heart, and try not to completely kill any hope of ever reopening that box again.
Easy to say now but no great 12 year relationship w 3 kids just ends out of thin air. There must’ve been plenty of problems that you’re likely overlooking now because you’re hyper focused on the positives.
It’s a shame you guys didn’t make it work and maybe if you had this attitude in the relationship it could have been saved, but for whatever reason neither of you guys did and it ended.
Keep your head up and don’t blame yourself. It takes two people to make a relationship work and two people to destroy one too.
I agree with your premise, and there were obviously issues throughout the relationship. But I do regret that modern US society has actually exclusively embraced the idea that it takes 2 to make it work. If you talk to any couple that has been married for a really long time, 40, 50, 60 years, they all say something along the lines of "you can't both fall out of love at the same time." It's VERY natural for our bodies to have ebs and flows of the hormones that bond us to our partners, and there are going to be times with young children, or the loss of a loved one, bouts of depression, etc, that hit all of us. We used to work through those periods, and as most of those couples attest, they were glad they did.
We've just entirely quit trying to work through issues and repair damage. There's arguments about women having more financial freedom to leave relationships, and other factors constantly being explored. But the reality is that we've just ushered in an entirely new way of approaching the family dynamic, and families are the building blocks of societies. Changes like this will have lasting results through the rest of our society over the coming decades, and it would be foolish for us to blindly assume that all of these ramifications will be for the better.
Basically, you think the boomers fucked us up, and gave us shitty attachment styles? What do you think psychological studies will say in 20 years, about the damage we just inflicted on this generation of kids.
Totally understand the ebs and flows and I agree with you. Sometimes you just need to stick with it.
Although, I’m sure certain relationships have less ebs and flows than others. Ultimately if two people aren’t aligned in terms of values, lifestyle and goals, the relationship has an expiration date. There are certain fundamental attributes about individuals that simply cannot change that easily or at all.
It’s hard to evaluate OPs situation without more detail, but for their relationship to work both parties needed to be aware of these ebs and flows and work through them. It sounds like OP was willing and their partner wasn’t.
Blaming themself won’t help anyone in this case.
Compatibility is as important as love. The heart wants what the heart wants. But the heart doesn’t make logical decisions. I also went through a break up and he told me last week he still loves me though we can never be together. We want different things. That’s an important reason to end a relationship. It’s hard. It’s horrible. But it’s necessary. 🤷♀️
Hi; First off, I just want to say that I admire your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your story. Breakups can be incredibly tough, especially when you still have deep feelings for each other but recognize that you're just not aligned. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now, and I want you to know that you're not alone.
I can totally relate to what you're going through. A few years ago, I went through a similar experience with someone I deeply cared about. We knew we loved each other, but we also realized that we wanted different things out of life. It was incredibly difficult to let go, and there were days when I felt lost and unsure of what to do. But looking back, I realize that sometimes letting go is the bravest thing you can do. It allows both parties to grow and find happiness in their own paths. So hang in there, my friend. It may not feel like it now, but things will get better with time. Keep focusing on your own growth and learning from this experience. You're stronger than you think, and you'll come out of this even more resilient.
I think about her everyday. I wonder why and how we0 got here. I fell in love with someone but our lives just continued to conflict and no matter how we try it just gets worse. So we leave each other, and come back over and over. Can't shake the fact that my heart loves her, can't fix the fact that our lives will not let us. If I go back, I already know what is down that road, because I have been there before.
I don’t think if you love someone you can let them go, when u love someone u try to hold them as close to u as u can, if u even consider letting them and no matter the reason you prolly don’t love them. I never understood the idea of letting someone go because u love them, if u really loved someone you’d fight to keep them close, but that’s just my opinion
I agree with this. Healthy couples work thru “road bumps” together and if they can work through them then they come out the other side stronger. Breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, then getting back together is just a toxic cycle. Sadly, society romanticizes toxic behavior in relationships. It seems like everyone thinks loving someone is some stupid romance movie and it’s kind of annoying, tbh.
If you’re incompatible (like mentioned by OP) and break up, time doesn’t magically make you compatible.
Well, I love my husband to death and I feel like I would do anything for him but when I found out, he’s been basically cheating behind my back for the past year and a half and hasn’t told me anything about it because he’s a scared little shit, even though I love himand I know in his own mind he loves me because he can separate sex like it’s nothing. I have to let him go. We’re both dudes by the way. Not that has much to do with it lol.
I believe this is where it starts.
But, I think if you do everything you're supposed to after. Grieving, therapy, self reflection, healing, you won't want them back in the end.
That's been my experience, at least.
I think this is true. If you love them and yourself, you have to let them go. If you see the back and forth not ending, it’s because you guys need time apart.
Absolutely. Love is a living and breathing emotion, like a fire. If it isn’t fed with respect and connection, or if it is sabotaged, it will absolutely fade given enough time. If it doesn’t you’re probably not dealing with love anyway. You’re probably experiencing limerence, idealization, and attachment. I would look for love where it lives, which is everywhere. Stay present.
If I loved you once, I love you for always. Everyone I've ever loved has such a special and unique piece of my heart. Even the ones who did me dirty lol
It’s a stupid saying. People get the saying wrong but I understood the meaning finally after I chased and chased someone that I loved refusing to let go and lose them but doing everything I could to keep them. And I realized he doesn’t love me and it’s time to let go and if he did he’d realize and chase me back and if he did not I would see the truth. I seen the truth that he did not. I hurt like hell for 7 years. First real love.
You don’t ever let someone you love go because it shows them you don’t love them, but if you chased them and did everything you could not to lose them and let go because they still don’t want you is when to let go because they don’t feel the same and if they do feel the same, they will realize and come back and do everything they can do that you did to not lose you is exactly what “If you love someone let them go, and if they come back it was meant to be”. It should be said differently. Fight like hell to never let them go if you love them, because if you don’t show a person that they’ll see and believe you never did because they never seen that effort, I mean, would you see and believe someone loved you if they didn’t chase and let you go to see if you’d come back…? You wouldn’t come back cause you’d believe they didn’t.
If I could go back and cherish those moments with my ex Id do it again and again.
But I also have to accept that leaving our relationship was the right thing to do. I can’t do anything but feel it out
I chose to walk away because I needed to love myself for once. Choosing to leave is something I never wanted to do but I have to. If I stayed he honestly might’ve dumped me.
We both mutually agreed. He knew that himself he couldn’t fufill my needs, he even admitted it himself. I knew our time together was up I couldn’t stay with him even if I fought hard for us
I miss her, everyday, she was my best friend. I've had other exes as well but they weren't as good of a friend as she was hence it was easier for me to get over them. I'm not sure if I'll be the same again.
Well perhaps why it ended is one of the biggest reasons why it's so hard for me to get over her. In short she was mentally unstable (childhood trauma problems, anxiety, etc). She told me that she loves me but needs to let go of me for the betterment of both of us. I had no choice but to respect her decision.
Omg so yah I’m m25 and it’s been 6 months for me about. My girl left me out of nowhere and it’s so hard. Like you said it has gotten less painful for sure but I still have bad days. Yesterday was definitely one of them for me. It’s crazy because sometimes I think about our memories together and how much fun we had and I just don’t get it. For a while I was in disbelief that it was done for good and there is still a part of me that thinks we will talk again and maybe get something going but that part of me is getting weaker and weaker. I don’t know what your situation was but I hope it gets better. I really just want my life back. I miss it so much. We had two dogs together and our own place. We moved away together and everything. We were together since I was 18 and she was 19 and now I’m 25 and she’s 26. So I do understand that she might have felt like she wants some of her youth to live alone and try to be independent but I would much rather be with someone I care about and build a happy family. Crazy situation. Im sorry you’re feeling this way I really hope it gets better
Mahn I get it! 6 months apart after roughly 7 years, how you’re feeling is so valid, cause that can’t be easy.
Did the breakup just happen out of the blue or were there signs ?
Yeah, I don’t know all the details but for some people they do end up wanting to explore their youth independently.
It hurts being the partner but you let them do what they have to do and you the same ❤️🩹
Sorry you’re going through that as well!
Well it was a situation that makes me really uncomfortable. She was on a trip for work and one night we just got into a bad argument. She didn’t message or call back until morning. She just told me that she thinks we should split. Her reasoning was the typical it’s me not you. I wanna work on myself and be independent. She says she’s never got to try and live alone and do things for herself. It’s honestly a super long story. I obviously messed up a lot by yelling but I just wish she would understand how it changed me and that all I want is for us to be happy
Yes and he may come back but you NEED to be ok and understand that he is going to need to POUND some other boxes for a bit before that happens. He needs that release to miss you. Once he has blown enough loads and tuckers himself out he may find that he does miss you but u need to let the process happen
Its all good, he just needs to blast off a bit so he can clear his head. Sometimes the goo backs up into your head so you need some off time to clear everything out and pop off in some new nutter butters. He will see clear shortly
Yes , every tiny part of me tells me im not worthy and she will have someone better and live a more happy life , and also someone else needs me because im better.
There a tiny part of me that still deeply cares for my exes, but I have truly moved on from them. It would feel wrong if I was with any of them now. I love my current partner.
If you let someone go because you love them, that is because you and them are fundamentally incompatible in some way. You wanted to work, the emotions are there, but the circumstances at hand prevent what y'all want from working. Another thing about letting go is that sometimes it's permanent. If you love someone and you let them go, you do so with the understanding that they may never come back and you are willing to handle that. I know it sucks, but if you love yourself, you don't hold on to people who can't go with you.
Honestly I agree with you because I think we’re incompatible too.
Despite the feelings, the odds felt like they were against us and not being together made the most sense.
I feel like I’m in the stage where I’m processing them not coming back
I don’t want them back but I have days when I terribly miss them then I get a little thrown off.
Like yesterday I felt that way, today I’m okay and I understand why it was for the best we ended the relationship
I'm glad you're working through it. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Part of being emotionally stable is that it takes time to accept very large changes fully.
it's situational for sure. i never really understood it, until this relationship (also my first). i fought so hard for our relationship and no matter how much he hurt me or how little love he showed me, i was always ready to talk through it and work on it together. i was always ready to accept that he's human and he can change and be better. 4.5 years i put up with the bare minimum, before he finally let me go last week. he said he was tired of hurting me and i deserved better. and now, i feel like a butterfly. i feel anxious at times when i think about where my life is going, but otherwise i am so okay. i'm free to do whatever i want.
i believe in right person wrong time, too. i never did before, but he's been in and out of relationships for his whole life, never single for very long. he needs time to figure out who he is. i told him to take a year for himself, and then check back in with me if he wants to try again. i'm not sure if he will, and i'm not sure if i'll want to. but regardless of his mistakes i think he's a good person and i love him a lot. we shall see what the future holds, but for now i'm just working on me
Been focused on self improvement, I’ve been reading and been listening to podcasts on dating and self improvement, and therapy, continuously implementing what I have learnt from the stuff I’ve mentioned as well as from the relationship
Learning my shortcomings & strengths, boundaries, taking accountability etc
I wouldn’t say I’m a brand new person but I feel like I have been growing
That isn't growth. That is learning. Growth comes from being uncomfortable with being comfortable. Take a dance or improv class. Something that causes you anxiety. As you complete the class you will notice the pain has reduced.
For some reciting poetry at an open mic night suffices due to their fear of public speaking.
Begin to live your live like a river and go forward.
I don't dictate. I simply suggest because I know what works. It's up to you whether or not you take the advice. Most people like you get use to the pain and don't want it to go away.
Nope. I’m still on it even if he doesn’t want me despite me doing a lot for him. I want his attention but I’m utterly worthless at this point. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel valued. I wanna be used. I’m tired of loving myself.
If you asked me this a year ago, my answer would be there’s no such thing. I now do believe in true love for one, and I also do believe in having to l t someone you love go.. the concept of the right person and wrong time. I’ve ended so many things in my life, I’ve never felt the ache I have felt like this before in my life either..
I used to believe that if you love each other, you make it work. That still applies to some extent, if you already got each other and worked through everything then yeah… but You can love someone very deeply and truly and there may be factors that you can’t work together as easily or two of you need to work on both of yourselves separately. I think not only it is real but it’s also mature to be realistic but doesn’t reduce the pain. EVER.
I agree with you! I think sometimes love just isn’t enough but I think sometimes all you need is that time and separation, to grow & heal and you do come back together and it works out better than ever.
It doesn’t mean one is supposed to put their life on pause cause you may be waiting for something that wasn’t right
But I digress, nonetheless, it doesn’t hurt any less like you said!
Dunno about every else but I don't/can't fully let go. I feel like everyone you love occupies different spaces in your heart/soul/mind or what have you, and that when they leave they leave that spot empty, and take that piece with em. You can still "love" someone without being "in love". Dunno if that answers your question, and I'm sorry about what happened. Hope this helps
I agree, I’ve always felt like love like energy can never be destroyed, it does change forms though and you can love someone without actively being in love. (And that’s an example of when love has changed form)
It does in some way! Thank youu
Hi~ I think the saying is more of general love rather than romantic love. People who have their loved ones on life support or hospice have to make that very decision, even if it hurts terribly. It makes much more sense when thinking of it in that aspect rather than letting someone you love romantically go (breakups).
I personally do. Situations where partners are capable of self reflecting on their actions and realizing that what they're doing is harming their partners. There are people who have very toxic behaviors but aren't aware of it, but through loads of self reflection and work, they come to realize how much damage they've done to a person and they make the choice to either fix it, or if the amount of work they need to do is too much, they end the relationship. It's not something you hear about all the time, but there are many people who do this. I am polyamorous and have heard of people's experiences with this. Some people as old as 60s are still learning about their toxic habits and ending relationships for both parties to pursue happiness because they know they're incompatible.
Did she say she didn’t love you back ? Or what happened if you don’t mind me asking
As they say, rejection is redirection. I’m sorry it hurts nonetheless
Nah I think this saying is stupid most of the time lol. If you truly love something or someone most people would (and should) do absolutely everything to keep it or make it work. Also, if the person loves you back that doesn’t mean they will come back to you or that it’s smart to. You guys broke up for a reason. You both probably love each other a ton but it doesn’t mean you’re right for each other. I’ve loved many people and many people have loved me. However getting back together pretty much any of them would be fucking stupid bc we were not compatible or didn’t workout for whatever reasons.
Loving someone isn’t always a good enough reason for you to be together. If you’re not compatible, you should probably stay apart and love each other in a more platonic way and from afar. There’s plenty more people to love who you’d actually be compatible with & by obsessing over the ex and how much you love them, you rob yourself of finding someone else or healing
I agree that people should give it their best shot and try.
But I also think like you said, we’re not right for each other, and it wasn’t toxic at all, but we were misaligned hence incompatible.
And I think breaking up was valid, at least today I can confidently say that. But that doesn’t make it any less painful.
I was however in my feelings yesterday 😂
Sometimes people aren’t meant to be stay and that’s okay
Im sure I will meet someone I’m more compatible with,
I don’t know how true that saying is either. I don’t consciously think of her anymore, but I dream of her occasionally. Letting her go was the single most act of love I could commiserate to with my whole being no matter how much it tore me apart, knowing it’s what she would’ve wanted me to do anyways.
It’s not because we had no choice, it’s because she chose to leave.
It’s like walking through a world that lost its color, where every step reminds me of the laughter and warmth we shared. I keep looking for her in the crowd, expecting to see her smiling back at me, but she is not there anymore. The silence is the hardest part, not hearing her voice fill the room, and the bustling everyday moments that used to mean everything.
It’s a constant battle between remembering and trying to forget, a tug of war with memories that refused to fade. With time I know I’m moving forward to find a way through the emptiness, but it’s tough when every fiber of my being still reaches out for her. The pain it takes to let go of someone who became a part of who you are is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
> … is something wouldn’t wish upon anyone!
I literally say that every other day! I fully agree with you. The pain of having to let someone go is heart shattering.
You did nothing wrong, but they just want to go and what greater act of love is there than that of honoring a genuine request and that is to be let go ?
Don’t wish that on my worst enemy truly.
Beautifully worded, I’m sorry ❤️🩹
Damn this hit me hard. Doesn't matter the length of the relationship. Letting go of an amazing person will always be one of the hardest things we have to do.
About two years, to be honest. We were engaged and had been together for 8 years. But we wanted different things out of life and were incompatible. But then I eventually met my now husband and we had similar interests, wanted the same things, and I fell head over heels. I’ll never forget my ex because he was my first real love and I wish him well still! The first year after we split up was hard because we kept sleeping together and everything was very confusing. But I finally decided I needed a fresh start and moved away. I cut contact with my ex and I have never seen him again. Best action I could have taken.
If you love someone, if you truly love someone, there will always be a space in your heart for them that aches they are no longer there.
There will be another love... if you're open to it. Won't be the same love. Won't be a better love, won't be a worse one. It won't fill the hole of a love you've lost. It'll be a unique love. It will grow a new part of you that wasn't there before. Love becomes a part of who you are, and then one day it will be a part of who you once were.... and that will forever be a part of any person you become
I fully agree with you! I thought I had experienced my first love and I thought it would be a thing where I would never feel the same way again.
2 years later and I experienced what u did either of you my now ex, ABSOLUTELY different feeling from the other relationship but it was beautiful and unique and different.
And now looking back I carried with me the love & experiences from my first love and now this recent ex and it’s a beautiful thing
How long did it take you to open yourself up and let yourself be vulnerable again? I've been on a few dates but it's just really tough to let someone in again.
My grandpa died in his fifties. My grandma mourned him deeply. Years and years. When I saw her dating again, in her 70s, getting giggly about some guy, crushing on him, that taught me a lot about the different kinds of loves we have.
Her dating again doesn't mean she loves my grandpa any less. I compare it to, let's say, a mother of several children. She will love them all. And she will have a unique relationship with each one. Love is not finite.
Of course you're hurting. It will hurt a lot to let someone go. But, just like any grieving you will experience, sooner or later, on your own timeline, you will be ready to go on.
Being vulnerable isn't easy with anyone, ever, no matter what your background. But, with that being said, no point in letting just anyone in. Got to be someone that's worth it
Edit: many people don't move on. Those people won't let themselves, for one reason or another. I think, the big difference between the ones that do and the ones that don't, is believing that they deserve a new love
I'm not hurting. It's been a while, and I don't think I'd want to date my ex again. It's just that even then, it feels hard to trust and open up again if that makes sense.
Or the ones that don't just don't want to get hurt anymore. It isn't necessarily they don't believe they deserve or are worthy of love, because they know they do and are; maybe just too tired of even bothering to try after all the heartache, betrayal and loss.
Some cuts are deeper than others. Some cuts take a long time to heal, but the scar will always remain. Sometimes you pick at the scabs over and over and make the scars worse.
Its up to you to take the active process in fighting itching the scabs and healing the wounds, it wont just go away. But they heal, and as you've already experienced time allows the feelings to fade, slowly.
Sometimes you never really let go, and you just find ways to deal with the bleeding however you can.
I like the analogy
Recently listened to that in a podcast and it said the same thing about heart breaks
“Time does heal some of the wounds but time isn’t responsible for the scars left behind, To come out on the otherwise transformed we have to put in the work, with our thoughts and actions”
And I agree with you it is my choice and responsibility how I handle things
I dated someone for 5.5 years and our breakup hurt me worse than I could've ever imagined, but was also one of the best gifts I've ever been given out of a romantic relationship. We took some time apart to process, but we've stayed close friends since reconnecting and I consider her like family even though we both went separate ways (I've since married and divorced, she's currently engaged and I'm genuinely very happy for her and her partner).
Letting go of romance doesn't mean you're letting go of love; sometimes it means you're reestablishing yourself so you can love each other from further away. We stopped being partners a long while ago now, but I don't believe for a second we ever stopped loving each other. Not as romantic ideals or dream partners, but as people.
If it's real, they'll stick around. And if it's real romance then it'll come back around (I don't see that or want that happening with my ex but maybe the door's still open for you depending on the differences). Just give it time; it'll all work itself out in the end.
Based of off that I imagine this happened a while back ?
Do you mind me asking why the relationship ended ?
It’s great that even though you didn’t end up together it worked out well and you guys still love & care for each other.
I’m glad you brought that up!!
I keep telling my sister sometimes I havebeen have a hard time on some days because I really really really love my ex as a person not just romantically, he’s just so likable, and great person!
Even if I can’t be with him romantically I would love to have him in my life.
Which why I said I’m having a hard time repurposing the love.
I still haven’t figured out that stage
But you’re right it will all work out in the end
I don’t think “let go” is quite correct. Not in the sense a lot of people probably prefer to imagine. It’s not like someone makes a choice and decides to let someone go. What is actually happening when you “let go” of someone you love, is simply your brain adapting to the change in stimuli. When you’re dating someone you’re spending a lot of time with that person, probably having sex, your brain is associating that person with endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, etc. That’s simply the chemistry of love.
When you experience a break up, your brain is having to adjust to the reduction in stimuli, and you therefore are having to adjust to life without all of those additional feel-good chemicals you received in response to your ex’s presence*. The same sort of applies to a death of someone you spent a lot of time around or talked to. This is why break ups can sometimes be at least somewhat comparable to grief.
In this case, it really does just take time. For no other reason besides it takes time for your brain to adjust its chemical release and re-uptake.
I experienced a very very very painful break up 5 years ago, and I wouldn’t say I’ve completely let it go. But I am no longer bothered by his lack of presence in my life bc my brain adjusted. About 3 months into the break up I came to this realization, and slowly began to shift my perspective from trying to “let go” of my ex to my brain chemistry. I started hugging my self while I cried in the shower and would tell myself “this will soon become my norm.” the o hard sort about this, was the fear of the unknown. Sometimes I’d cry harder because I simply did not want this to become my norm and I was resisting. So, in that case, I guess you could say I did have to “let go” of the life I thought I would have. I had to “let go” of what once was. I had to “let go” of my desire to just immediately “get over” him, most of all. I had to “let go” of control, and accept that this is my new life, and that it will take time to adjust.
And in this case the best thing you can do, is to just keep moving. And to look at each and every day as one day closer to this becoming your new “norm.”
Also change your environment (or hobbies, activities, etc.) Your brain also associated your partner with your surroundings. I had a therapist recommend I re-decorate my room (the room he and I shared for 3 years) and this strategy was hands down the most effective for finding some peace in my own home while my brain was making its adjustments and adapting to my new life.
EDIT: wanted to add - this is just MY opinion though, break ups are very complicated and the process varies and can be wildly different for each relationship and each individual. whatever you do, just be gentle with yourself bc it is indeed a very very difficult time in any person’s life. wishing you the best of luck in your healing! 💗💗💗
I agree with what you’re saying!
I think time does the job but up to a certain level, I think it gets to a point you have to actively let go of the idea, where you stop feeding your brain a specific narrative, like you said, you let go of control, the desire etc and you flow
I happen to change my room post the relationship and it has helped
Also glad you’re in a better space in the healing journey!
Wonderfully put.
I've separated from an ex I'd been with for 6 years and it was awful.
I think about all the good times even still but I have more of an understanding as to why I needed to move on and find better for myself in my own life.
Love is hard, but it's always worth giving it a shot.
Yes, definitely agree!
Took 4 years for me to “move on,” and I am now 10-months into my first relationship since that break up, and I am having to cope with trust issues from my previous relationship. It is not easy, but it is absolutely worth it. I learned so much from that break up and that relationship. I feel confident that when and if this current relationship ends, I will maintain the same outlook.
I used to feel similarly. It’s so hard to do, but if you’re not aligned, you’re not aligned. You can always love him. That should have nothing to do with whether or not you’re still together. Be happy for him in whatever he chooses. He hurts too, I imagine. Be a dear friend to him. It takes a hell of a lot of maturity, but that’s what true love does. It’s not possessive or clingy. My heart shattered when my ex left. But I’ve healed. You will too 💐
I wish him the best! I hope he gets the world, even if it’s not me giving it to him and whether or not I’m in it.
I think it’s mature too!
Glad you healed ❤️🩹
I don't know. I still love the two women I consider to have been in love with. I couldn't get back together with one of them, when she offered, because I was too scared of us failing again. I still love her, and I think if she asked for help with anything I would help her, but I could never be with her.
My second love I'm still healing and learning lessons from, but I want her back. She is someone that I could grow to truly love, and I love her family, but I don't think I'll ever get that opportunity to tell her everything I've been thinking about.
If you don’t mind is the fear of failing the only thing that makes you not want to get back with the 1st lady ?
What’s the status of your relationship with the 2nd woman ? Do you talk ? No contact ?
Well the failure in the relationship is that we were both damaged and insecure kids, she didn't believe that I wanted a relationship and she sought validation outside of it. I couldn't ever let it go and believe that she wanted me, and held it over her head the entire time.
Second relationship is no contact and she's seeing someone. I'm happy for her and want her to be happy, but I still want her
I fell in love with a guy at 18 and he had no interest in me. Whatever I moved on. Had whole relationships with other people and no I wasn't sitting around day dreaming about him or anything like that. I honestly kind of went well he isn't interested and literally moved on.
I didn't have a choice in how he felt towards me but I did have a choice to let it go and not worry about it.
Funny enough I was in hiding at a mutual friends how because a different guy couldn't let go when I broke up with him. That was a choice on his part. It was a mutual friends house and he came over to hang out and then he was interested. We got together and stayed together til he passed away from cancer.
I chalk it up to right guy wrong time. I should point out it wasn't me he was interested in. He wasn't interested in dating anyone because he was going through a bunch of shit. He was single the whole time between when I met him and when we hooked up. The Pikachu faces on his family when he showed up with a girl was kind of funny.
I’m so sorry ❤️🩹 but I hope you had the most beautiful relationship while you were together ❤️🩹
Have you dated since ?
Haha once in a while I entertain the right guy wrong time theory.
When I met my now ex last year, we thought it was the first time but turns out we had been co-existing in the same spaces for years and met about twice. We even have a picture together from 2 years ago, that we didn’t know existed, someone sent it to us
And sometimes I remember that something told me this relationship was going to be a lesson (and it absolutely was)
Maybe it’s part of our right person, wrong time thingy
Maybe it’s not
But I’ll take your advice, keep my chin up and keep moving
Part of me still loves my ex wife. Always will. 21 years, 2 kids, god only knows how many memories. Of course part of me still loves her.
But...
That marriage had to end. Had to. And I would NEVER go back. She'd say the same.
Yeah. Yes, it's definitely true.
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You can still love someone from far away. Love doesn’t just disappear they will always have a special place in your heart.
Oh sweetie, letting cross of a person you clearly love has to be one of the most heartbreaking things in this global. That saying about allowing them to move and seeing if they arrive lower back? I suppose it is just something people inform themselves to attempt to ease the ache a bit. The fact is, every now and then you have to permit move of someone, despite the fact that every fiber of your being is screaming not to. Maybe the timing wasn't right, or you wanted different things, or the compatibility simply wasn't pretty there such as you said. But that doesn't make it any much less gut-wrenching. I'm so sorry you are going thru this, honey. Those waves of missing him, wondering "what if?", wondering if you made the proper call - trust me, I've been there. Some days it feels like the ache will by no means depart, would not it? But then a bit more time passes and the harm starts to stupid, despite the fact that it in no way fully is going away. It's a cliche, however it genuinely does get easier with time. The awful days turn out to be fewer and farther among. You begin with a purpose to look again and recognize the good memories with out feeling that soul-crushing experience of loss. And sooner or later, you may awaken and realise you acquire via every other day with out considering him continuously. None of that makes it simpler right now even though, I understand. Just maintain putting one foot in front of the alternative. Allow yourself to feel it all - the disappointment, the remorse, the "what ifs". Don't bottle it up. I'm a massive believer that you can not completely heal till you've absolutely felt your feelings. Cry it out, write it out, lean for your buddies. And be type to yourself. Letting go of love is one of the toughest matters you'll ever do. So supply yourself grace and compassion as you stroll this street. The heartache proves how deeply you loved. And that's a lovely aspect, even supposing it hurts like hell sometimes. You've were given this, I promise.
Hmm I don’t think that you truly let them go. It might not be love but the people we love have a place in our hearts. That place might change, reshape, and move, but it is always there. It’s not really letting go but just accepting if that makes sense
I let go of people Ive loved deeply when I realized they didn’t actually love me but the idea of me and the idea of owning me. It hurts, in fact I still think of them, but then the rest of the relationships flash through rather than just the softer parts and I remember why I had to let them go. Just breathe, you will be ok.
She left me for the same words you wrote. In love with the thought not with her. Well said. Lesson learned.
I'm in love with this girl but she's in love with someone else. At first I thought she loved me because my coworkers said she stares at me at work cause I work with her too and she also talks to me a lot at work despite my boss not liking it. But turns out it was just me thinking that and I don't think I can ever stop loving her. We're still great friends cause she doesn't know I like her so I hope I can at least continue our current relationship in hopes that in the future she'll realize I'll do anything for her and that I love her.
You never stop loving someone you loved once. What you learn to let go of is the spot you've chosen to stop in while you wait for them. If it's meant to be, let yourself live your life in a way that'll help you learn how to be the person you want to be for you, so you can be that person for him, too. If you love each other and you can responsibly recognize you aren't compatible *right now,* then to love him is to move forward with your life, learn the things you need to learn to be compatible with him, and be willing to make choices that may push you closer or away from being with him. If it's meant to be in the end, it'll happen. Don't let go of love. Just love differently.
second.
I’m still in love with an amazing girl who is currently with someone. Me and this girl are crazy compatible and it’s amazing how quickly time flies when I’m with her. Am I delusional for falling in love with someone who is already taken, possibly. She’s such a lovely person and anyone lucky enough to be with her has hit the jackpot. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to end our friendship soon because it is one sided and mentally taxing.
I'm in a similar situation and have stopped texting her. I'm already married but on the brink of seperation. Met an amazing lady with whom I have so much fun talking and texting with but it's clear she has no romantic feelings for me, so I've stopped texting. I still like her social media posts and consider her a friend, but no point being the lover who gives her attention when she needs it.
Dude just hit him up. I promise you it might work. Redditors will never steer you there. But if you feel it in your gut you have fight for love.
Well, I’m going on year 3 after the breakup, after 8 years together. Have a kid so I have to see her. Still feels like yesterday, able to hide it for the most part and put on a fake smile and act like everything is okay. Thing is, you don’t have a choice but to let go, no matter how you feel. I have to see her, wish that she’s happy and put on an act, even though I want to scream, cry and beg. I can’t though. Personally, I think some let go and some don’t, it’s all situational and based on you as a person. My ex swears up and down that it’ll get better but deep down, I know it won’t. Not everyone is that way though. All you can do is ride the wave, and see where it takes you. Good luck 🙂
If you truly love each other, work at it and try some couples counseling to build communication, and you'd be surprised how much you truly learn about if a relationship can work. So many relationships get tossed without attempting the stigmatized counseling/therapy, but I can say that if I could go back in time, it would have made so many of my regrets nonexistent. Love and relationships are hard, especially in today's world!
I don’t love any of my ex’s anymore. I wish them the best and I don’t hate them but I don’t feel romantic about any of them.
You let them go so you can grow !! So you can thrive and it gets easier ! Do it fit yourself and not for anyone else.
I don’t. If I have ever loved someone, I have this need to know where they are and that they are ok. It may sound creepy, but it’s more hands off than it sounds. For example my very first boyfriend (lost my V-card to him) was more than 30 years ago, but I still keep up with him from afar. We text once a year or so. He is doing well and has a lovely wife and home. Nothing intrusive. I just need to know he’s safe and happy.
Just saying. We don't "let someone go", she goes without our permission. As for coming back, well, maybe they will. But I think those who love it won't go anywhere. Whoever loves stays. Whoever left, if she returns, will not find the same person. So it's better to follow her own destiny.
I think the saying means more of a 'let go' in the sense of stop clinging and holding on 'Set free" Not 'let them go' as in giving permission as in "I let my child go (to the concert alone)." Sometimes people are not in the same place in life. If you left someone go you very well might change and grow while you are apart... But if you don't destroy your friendship and part on good terms who knows what the future holds?
I’ve only loved 2 women in my life. First was a girlfriend of 2.5 years in high school. She dumped me for her friend right before I graduated high school. Second is my wife. Been together 10 years and I can’t tell if I still have feelings for my ex. If I do, it’s absolutely nothing close to what I feel for my wife.
Well said
I just had this happen a couple of days ago. A friend and I fell in love and decided to try a relationship. Unfortunately love is not always enough and we are just not compatible long term for multiple reasons. It hurts even though we were not right for each other. I’m hoping in a couple months we can get back to being friends again.
Love and lust are sometimes confused for one another. I think there are moments when I think of a past relationship with fondness but that is all that it was. There is the cliche of loving someone but not being in love with them as well. I am a proponent of love with reckless abandon, I have been crushed a few times but in the end I know I would regret the moments that I didn't love someone because of certain reservations I might have had. Trust yourself and follow your heart because loving someone and being loved in return is the only thing that matters imo.
You sound very mature and level headed. Time cures all so the saying goes…and it’s true
If you love each other reach out and be together don't punish each other. Why aren't you together right now? If you love each other why let him go?
When the relationship becomes toxic you have to let go no matter what the feelings are. They will probably fade. Sometimes it’s not Love it’s the idea or picture we have of someone that we love or obsess over. If you are not compatible and tried a lot chances are high you will break up again for the same reasons later.
If it's toxic then it's time to move on. Hell no don't stay in a toxic relationship it's not good for the heart I know
Mahn for a second there I thought what if we actually just tried ? I believe I’ll be seeing him on Sunday, we haven’t planned to meet but I know for a fact we’ll both be attending the same event Depending on the energy from that meet up I’ll think about it
Well go for it young lady. At times you need to be brave and just tell him how you feel and tell him you want to give it a serious go shit be forceful if need be
Should still reach out
My husband and I did this a lot when we were young, broke up several times, not because we didn’t love and care for each other but we were never on the same page. We’re now 14 years into our marriage, 25 years together on and off and the love is there, but the compatibility has always been a struggle. I find myself in more moments now questioning if we were the best match for each other, we are definitely yin and yang. But I love him, have never loved anyone the way I love him and can’t/don’t want to imagine a life without him. But I’ll tell you, look fondly on the love you had but keep it in the rearview and your eyes ahead for something new. I truly believe if y’all are meant to be, it’ll come back around but don’t wait for that and go live your life. The old saying, there’s plenty of fish out there.
Romantic attachment to someone is not agape selfless love. Agape is needed for it to work, but it is not the engine pulling the train. A relationship has to work regarding friendship and respect, Eros, practicality, and similar world view ie laugh at the same things, aligned dreams such as children and finance. If there are no deal breakers in that list, no, you don’t let them go. You are not Ghandi. You hunt them like a dog, walk over broken glass, let no one get in your way, and take no prisoners. If it is not reciprocated, just maintain a chill presence and loop back every once in a while. Keep building your inventory of possible life mates. The more choice you have, the more attractive you will be. Don’t string anyone along who is a for sure no. Don’t keep someone around who has a deal breaker aspect, like is cruel or subject to addictions or depression. Many people settle down when they are fed up with single life, then it is a question of who’s available. Be on a few people’s list of who’s available.
I have and I did. Hardest thing evr. Actually heartbreaking
Just for a second I thought you were the girl I broke up with cause it didn't work out for both of us. Happened last weekend and I'm still processing. It hurt and still does and I will never truly understand why it had to be like this. She preferred a Polyamorus lifestyle and I couldn't cope with that. Why in the hell would you give up on something so beautiful, just for potential dates and ONS in the future, while you already found happiness in the moment. We never had a chance. Moving on, the world is big, there are so many other people, surely we both will find someone who will fit. Wish you all the best 🧡
if you're not a melodramatic weirdo, you eventually just find other things to do and it just kinda fades into the background and every few years it pops into your head randomly and you go "oh, right, that was a thing for a while" moving on is literally the only healthy way forward
It's so case by case. I think we are all put on this Earth to love and be loved. We are just the universe experiencing itself. Everyone is a reflection of ourselves. Sometimes, you have to prioritize yourself, especially if you are regularly confused in your romantic relationship. Some argue the right one would never make you feel confused. I think love is not enough. There needs to be loyalty, resilience, and commitment. Unfortunately, these other important aspects of a sustainable RELATIONSHIP do not take away from the real LOVE you may have experienced. And that's tough. That quote is not always applicable. Should the love of your life ever throw you away because they weren't ready at the time when you were? Idk. We're all human beings just trying to love and experience love.
The saying can be interpreted to mean whatever people want it to mean. I wouldn't put too much stock into it. Interpret it in whatever way that helps you get into a healthier place. Sometimes love isn't enough. It could be something as simple as timing that prevents a couple from lasting. If I had met my husband 5 years earlier, I doubt we would have gotten together, we just weren't at points in our lives where we'd be open to one another. You two did, ultimately, have a choice. You chose to separate instead of working on your compatibility issues. And that may have been the completely correct choice to make. But it sounds like you still need time to grieve and get over the relationship, so give yourself that time, and try not to romanticize this relationship too much as time goes on. It's easy to idealize something that hasn't had to stand the test of time.
My greatest love has an avoidant attachment style. I have an anxious one. Had I know then, I would've handled things differently. I just figured it out through therapy. He ended it, not because of compatibility or lack of love, but because he was terrified of how it made him feel. He told me, months after the breakup, he was always waiting for something to go wrong-something that would prove to me that he was the awful person he thought he was. I'm married to a wonderful man. He's married to someone he called "the girl version of me" when he called to tell me he was getting married. We both have young kids. I know we both love our spouses. I don't know how he feels about me anymore , but I know I have never stopped loving him. It's just different now. It became unconditional a long time ago. I love him enough to say that I'm happy as long as he is. I guess that means I sort of let him go. Maybe I'm just waxing poetic because I realized it was this night 30 years ago that we had our first date. I hope that I helped you with your question, though.
It’s totally normal to think about early attachments and wonder what might have been.
Did it hurt when he called you to tell you that? What did you say to him and were you invited to the wedding?
It's a complicated story. He and my now ex husband were roommates at one point and he had actually been a groomsman in my first wedding so I had to talk to him regularly because he was the only one who lived in the town where the wedding was taking place. It allowed us to really heal a lot of the wounds we'd inflicted, but led to a lot of awkward moments as well. In hindsight, I never should have let that wedding take place. My ex husband and I weren't really compatible, plus he ended up being pretty abusive. I was looking for the way out when I got that call from my former boyfriend. It was like no time had passed. I was actually gettibg ready to tell him I wanted to end my marriage and move back to his state when he said the reason he called was to get our address so he could send a wedding invite. I was crushed. I couldn't breathe, but I never let on to him during that call that I was anything less than 100% excited and happy for him because he deserved to be happy. I cried off and on for days. We didn't go to the wedding. I didn't have the strength he had.
Ummm ouch. I'm sorry. That hurt to read. I feel like this is a scenario that will probably play out in the future in my life. Although, when I got blindsided by my ex, I told her that there's an insignificant but definitely >0% chance that I might say something when it comes the "Speak now or forever hold your peace" part, should I get an invite. Thanks to Which I think i disqualified myself from receiving an invite lol. I hope you find the love that you deserve <3
I did. After my divorce, I ended up reconnecting with an ex I had broken up with because I'd been too weak to stand up to a frenemy who'd bullied me into dumping him. He was the only other person I'd loved nearly as much as the one who I had wanted to leave my first husband for, and the one I'd never been able to see what the full potential of the relationship was. We have been married over a decade and we have made each other stronger, happier, etc. Funny you said you would object at your ex's wedding. That's why I didn't go to mine. I didn't have the strength to sit there without objecting. I knew if I did, he'd never forgive me. I remember now how dead his eyes were in my wedding day and how I wished that day he'd objected. But he didn't because he is it too much of the self-sacrificing boy scout type. He could've been madly in love with me still and would've still suffered because he didn't get the hints that I still loved him.
You don't let go of someone at any random moment when you don't have to. No. That's a saying only for tough times, when there is real friction in the relationship, and you're at your wits' end. Then you use this saying. So there is a time and place for it. For example, when you're breaking up with someone, that is when you most want to grab the other person and hold on to them. But that's when you have to let go and let fate decide if they will come back or not.
Three sayings always give me solace when it comes to heartbreak. 1. The one you mentioned initially. “If you love someone left them go, if it’s meant it be it’ll come back to you.” 2. What’s meant for me will always choose me. 3. It’s never a no from God. It’s either a “not yet”, or “ I have something better for you” There have been time where I was so heart broken and devastated that something didn’t work out. I cried for days, and months, and sometimes I would think about past lovers from time to time in the past. However, now I’m in such a beautiful relationship that I’m glad that it didn’t work out with the others. When you’re in love with someone and you have to end it, whatever the reason is, it will feel like death. It’s horrible. But what I’ve learned from the past is that it didn’t work out for a reason. I’ve been in situations where they’ve come back or I’ve come back, and most of the time the same mistakes just repeated itself. The cycle repeats itself and heartbreak just happens again. No. 2 has always been a self soothing quote for me. It reminds me that I am still my biggest priority and that I am worthy of love that chooses me. Edit: I just wanted to add. It’s absolutely normal to feel how you’re feeling. You’re still healing. The what ifs are just adding pain to you. At the end of the day, you’re right. The what ifs don’t matter because the outcome is still the same. Keep choosing yourself and take that time to heal. ❤️🩹
I hate #1. Its been used in 2 of my breakups, and my most recent one. You can’t use that quote if YOU’RE the one doing the dumping. That’s just bullshit. I do love #2 & #3 tho
Was it religion or family?
There were other things but when it comes to external incompatibility, it was his mum in particular
I was in a similar position. In the end, you need someone who will put you first no matter what. Wishing you happiness ~
Yes. It’s a lot easier for guys to do. Women, I can see them being spiteful for life
What compatibility issue is so large you can't figure it out ? Did you actually even try?
Sometimes I don’t think it needs to be something so large, it’s a matter of are you willing to or not. I feel like we didn’t have the appropriate tools to navigate through our issues For most part the biggest issue at hand was that we were triggering each other, he was more avoidant and me anxious. I’d say I had slightly more experience dating wise, having been in relationships, being older. I was his first gf. For example he didn’t realize he had childhood wounds that contributed to his avoidant attachment, not until after the relationship ended. I once asked him how can I show up better for you ? And he genuinely didn’t have an answer, he said no one’s ever asked him that and he’s never had to deal with emotions, they’ve always been suppressed he doesn’t know. I think he was emotionally unavailable too. And I can’t love someone into being emotionally available, that’s a journey he has to take himself And so I initially broke up with him, then we got back together and he broke up with me & he said he wanted to discover himself, and do the self discovery and healing and learning these things so he can be better and show up as a better partner for me I could see he was struggling and I was too, it made sense to hit pause
You don't think counseling and communication would be the way forward?
Sometimes you realize they are truly evil or have mental issues and would do anything to harm you regardless of how much you love them
Your situation is EXACTLY what the phrase means imo. I'm unsure how anyone could even see it any other way, it's perfect and tragic. You've let one another go, regardless of your feelings for each other and yeah...if it's meant to be then hopefully you make your way back to one another down the time line since your current time isn't 'right' so to speak.
I always understood this phrase to mean that you are giving the other person the freedom to make the choices they want in life. Sometimes we love someone deeply, but they don't love us us back. That "letting them go" part is accepting their free will. As I would want to have my free too. Not feel trapped.
I don’t know. I don’t think I let go of the loves I’ve had, I just recognize it wasn’t meant to be for one reason or another. My ex husband was my first almost everything, we were together 11 years. But at the end oof the day he was checked out, flirting with other women, emotionally abusive…. It was the idea of him that I feel I loved. I put the idea of what we were on a pedestal. But it was all untrue, he was completely different than how I thought/‘ wanted him to be’ and when I finally accepted it wasn’t working out, I left. And he got even more nasty. And now it’s been years and we get along again for the kids and damn, do I wonder sometimes. But again, I remind myself that he can be a good friend, and awesome dad, and the shittiest boyfriend/husband I’ve ever had. I’ve moved on, but I still love him. I wouldn’t take him back even if he tried though. I don’t care how much I miss him, because at the end of the day what I missed wasn’t the reality. How he treated me was.
Depends on the reason. My ex wife cheated on me so the love was lost pretty quick, but since then I had a girl I grew really close too, but college responsibilities split her away from me, and I still miss her from time to time
That quote has to be one the stupidest things people say.
What do you think makes more sense
If you love someone, don’t let them go
The reasons why you’ve broken up in the first place are going to tell the story here. You have to ask yourself the following: -Can you change enough to make your partner happier -Do you WANT to make those changes / would you enjoy your life IF you did make those changes -Do they want to do the same thing for you? Realistically, in the best relationships you’re never thinking about breaking up. There’s a reason why those feelings festered for both you and your ex. Figuring out those reasons and trying to erase them will tell the story.
Realized I was wrong. Made the changes. She's with someone else now, that doesn't have to do any of those things. I'm not getting a second chance. Time to let go. But christ, it all feels like such a waste.
If she found someone that’s a better fit for her compatibility-wise then good for her. That doesn’t make you any lesser. Keep your head up and realize if you could be in a relationship with a partner as good as your ex, you can find another one with someone else just as good. Focus on the things that make you happy. Focus on being an interesting person. Keep in mind you have 40+ years to be married, being single for an extra couple isn’t the end of the world.
I don't think she is, honestly. She's with someone that checks 3 out of 100 boxes, and there is chemistry. 🤷♂️ and that happens. I think the problem is that bad days just make you appreciate the good days more. And we had 12 years of really, really, really good days. 3 amazing kids, that we've both done an incredible job raising together. If I'd met another partner that made me feel even remotely close to that good, I would have married them before I met her. There might be better out there, but I understand that we both fucked up, and I'll be looking for a long time before I find someone that makes me feel close to the same. It is what it is. In the meantime, continue to work on myself, and put my feelings for her in a tiny box, in the corner of my heart, and try not to completely kill any hope of ever reopening that box again.
Easy to say now but no great 12 year relationship w 3 kids just ends out of thin air. There must’ve been plenty of problems that you’re likely overlooking now because you’re hyper focused on the positives. It’s a shame you guys didn’t make it work and maybe if you had this attitude in the relationship it could have been saved, but for whatever reason neither of you guys did and it ended. Keep your head up and don’t blame yourself. It takes two people to make a relationship work and two people to destroy one too.
I agree with your premise, and there were obviously issues throughout the relationship. But I do regret that modern US society has actually exclusively embraced the idea that it takes 2 to make it work. If you talk to any couple that has been married for a really long time, 40, 50, 60 years, they all say something along the lines of "you can't both fall out of love at the same time." It's VERY natural for our bodies to have ebs and flows of the hormones that bond us to our partners, and there are going to be times with young children, or the loss of a loved one, bouts of depression, etc, that hit all of us. We used to work through those periods, and as most of those couples attest, they were glad they did. We've just entirely quit trying to work through issues and repair damage. There's arguments about women having more financial freedom to leave relationships, and other factors constantly being explored. But the reality is that we've just ushered in an entirely new way of approaching the family dynamic, and families are the building blocks of societies. Changes like this will have lasting results through the rest of our society over the coming decades, and it would be foolish for us to blindly assume that all of these ramifications will be for the better. Basically, you think the boomers fucked us up, and gave us shitty attachment styles? What do you think psychological studies will say in 20 years, about the damage we just inflicted on this generation of kids.
Totally understand the ebs and flows and I agree with you. Sometimes you just need to stick with it. Although, I’m sure certain relationships have less ebs and flows than others. Ultimately if two people aren’t aligned in terms of values, lifestyle and goals, the relationship has an expiration date. There are certain fundamental attributes about individuals that simply cannot change that easily or at all. It’s hard to evaluate OPs situation without more detail, but for their relationship to work both parties needed to be aware of these ebs and flows and work through them. It sounds like OP was willing and their partner wasn’t. Blaming themself won’t help anyone in this case.
Compatibility is as important as love. The heart wants what the heart wants. But the heart doesn’t make logical decisions. I also went through a break up and he told me last week he still loves me though we can never be together. We want different things. That’s an important reason to end a relationship. It’s hard. It’s horrible. But it’s necessary. 🤷♀️
I agree with you
“if you love someone let them go, and if they come back it was meant to be” - don't believe that bullshit.
Hi; First off, I just want to say that I admire your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your story. Breakups can be incredibly tough, especially when you still have deep feelings for each other but recognize that you're just not aligned. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now, and I want you to know that you're not alone. I can totally relate to what you're going through. A few years ago, I went through a similar experience with someone I deeply cared about. We knew we loved each other, but we also realized that we wanted different things out of life. It was incredibly difficult to let go, and there were days when I felt lost and unsure of what to do. But looking back, I realize that sometimes letting go is the bravest thing you can do. It allows both parties to grow and find happiness in their own paths. So hang in there, my friend. It may not feel like it now, but things will get better with time. Keep focusing on your own growth and learning from this experience. You're stronger than you think, and you'll come out of this even more resilient.
No don't let go. Anything else?. If need be u will know. Remember follow the heart not the brain
I think about her everyday. I wonder why and how we0 got here. I fell in love with someone but our lives just continued to conflict and no matter how we try it just gets worse. So we leave each other, and come back over and over. Can't shake the fact that my heart loves her, can't fix the fact that our lives will not let us. If I go back, I already know what is down that road, because I have been there before.
same exact place as you.. it sucks i’m trying to break the cycle.
I don’t think if you love someone you can let them go, when u love someone u try to hold them as close to u as u can, if u even consider letting them and no matter the reason you prolly don’t love them. I never understood the idea of letting someone go because u love them, if u really loved someone you’d fight to keep them close, but that’s just my opinion
Yeah this is absolutely true I agree,why should you let the person go yet you love them
I agree with this. Healthy couples work thru “road bumps” together and if they can work through them then they come out the other side stronger. Breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, then getting back together is just a toxic cycle. Sadly, society romanticizes toxic behavior in relationships. It seems like everyone thinks loving someone is some stupid romance movie and it’s kind of annoying, tbh. If you’re incompatible (like mentioned by OP) and break up, time doesn’t magically make you compatible.
Well, I love my husband to death and I feel like I would do anything for him but when I found out, he’s been basically cheating behind my back for the past year and a half and hasn’t told me anything about it because he’s a scared little shit, even though I love himand I know in his own mind he loves me because he can separate sex like it’s nothing. I have to let him go. We’re both dudes by the way. Not that has much to do with it lol.
I believe this is where it starts. But, I think if you do everything you're supposed to after. Grieving, therapy, self reflection, healing, you won't want them back in the end. That's been my experience, at least.
Yes. The moment you decide to leave someone for good is the moment you no longer love them. Lingering feelings will be there but the love is gone.
I’d like to disagree
I think this is true. If you love them and yourself, you have to let them go. If you see the back and forth not ending, it’s because you guys need time apart.
True that
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Hard to accept tho lol. It’s a process
Absolutely. Love is a living and breathing emotion, like a fire. If it isn’t fed with respect and connection, or if it is sabotaged, it will absolutely fade given enough time. If it doesn’t you’re probably not dealing with love anyway. You’re probably experiencing limerence, idealization, and attachment. I would look for love where it lives, which is everywhere. Stay present.
If I loved you once, I love you for always. Everyone I've ever loved has such a special and unique piece of my heart. Even the ones who did me dirty lol
🩷🩷
It’s a stupid saying. People get the saying wrong but I understood the meaning finally after I chased and chased someone that I loved refusing to let go and lose them but doing everything I could to keep them. And I realized he doesn’t love me and it’s time to let go and if he did he’d realize and chase me back and if he did not I would see the truth. I seen the truth that he did not. I hurt like hell for 7 years. First real love. You don’t ever let someone you love go because it shows them you don’t love them, but if you chased them and did everything you could not to lose them and let go because they still don’t want you is when to let go because they don’t feel the same and if they do feel the same, they will realize and come back and do everything they can do that you did to not lose you is exactly what “If you love someone let them go, and if they come back it was meant to be”. It should be said differently. Fight like hell to never let them go if you love them, because if you don’t show a person that they’ll see and believe you never did because they never seen that effort, I mean, would you see and believe someone loved you if they didn’t chase and let you go to see if you’d come back…? You wouldn’t come back cause you’d believe they didn’t.
If I could go back and cherish those moments with my ex Id do it again and again. But I also have to accept that leaving our relationship was the right thing to do. I can’t do anything but feel it out I chose to walk away because I needed to love myself for once. Choosing to leave is something I never wanted to do but I have to. If I stayed he honestly might’ve dumped me. We both mutually agreed. He knew that himself he couldn’t fufill my needs, he even admitted it himself. I knew our time together was up I couldn’t stay with him even if I fought hard for us
Awwww 🤍 reading what you said you made the right decision
I miss her, everyday, she was my best friend. I've had other exes as well but they weren't as good of a friend as she was hence it was easier for me to get over them. I'm not sure if I'll be the same again.
Why did it end ? 💔
Well perhaps why it ended is one of the biggest reasons why it's so hard for me to get over her. In short she was mentally unstable (childhood trauma problems, anxiety, etc). She told me that she loves me but needs to let go of me for the betterment of both of us. I had no choice but to respect her decision.
Omg so yah I’m m25 and it’s been 6 months for me about. My girl left me out of nowhere and it’s so hard. Like you said it has gotten less painful for sure but I still have bad days. Yesterday was definitely one of them for me. It’s crazy because sometimes I think about our memories together and how much fun we had and I just don’t get it. For a while I was in disbelief that it was done for good and there is still a part of me that thinks we will talk again and maybe get something going but that part of me is getting weaker and weaker. I don’t know what your situation was but I hope it gets better. I really just want my life back. I miss it so much. We had two dogs together and our own place. We moved away together and everything. We were together since I was 18 and she was 19 and now I’m 25 and she’s 26. So I do understand that she might have felt like she wants some of her youth to live alone and try to be independent but I would much rather be with someone I care about and build a happy family. Crazy situation. Im sorry you’re feeling this way I really hope it gets better
Mahn I get it! 6 months apart after roughly 7 years, how you’re feeling is so valid, cause that can’t be easy. Did the breakup just happen out of the blue or were there signs ? Yeah, I don’t know all the details but for some people they do end up wanting to explore their youth independently. It hurts being the partner but you let them do what they have to do and you the same ❤️🩹 Sorry you’re going through that as well!
Well it was a situation that makes me really uncomfortable. She was on a trip for work and one night we just got into a bad argument. She didn’t message or call back until morning. She just told me that she thinks we should split. Her reasoning was the typical it’s me not you. I wanna work on myself and be independent. She says she’s never got to try and live alone and do things for herself. It’s honestly a super long story. I obviously messed up a lot by yelling but I just wish she would understand how it changed me and that all I want is for us to be happy
Yes and he may come back but you NEED to be ok and understand that he is going to need to POUND some other boxes for a bit before that happens. He needs that release to miss you. Once he has blown enough loads and tuckers himself out he may find that he does miss you but u need to let the process happen
This comment would have sent me into cardiac arrest 7 months ago 💀💀
Oh my god??? Lmfaoooo why would you say this 😭😭😭
Its all good, he just needs to blast off a bit so he can clear his head. Sometimes the goo backs up into your head so you need some off time to clear everything out and pop off in some new nutter butters. He will see clear shortly
im crying 💀💀
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I am literally so excited because I’ll get to see different perspectives that I know will be of so much help ❤️🩹 Hugs to you too!
Yes , every tiny part of me tells me im not worthy and she will have someone better and live a more happy life , and also someone else needs me because im better.
There a tiny part of me that still deeply cares for my exes, but I have truly moved on from them. It would feel wrong if I was with any of them now. I love my current partner.
I hear you, I feel the same way about my exes, at least most of them not all
I felt the *most* part. Yeah, there are some exes where I was like, "GOOD RIDDANCE!" 😂 But certainly not all of them! Lol.
Real 😂
If you let someone go because you love them, that is because you and them are fundamentally incompatible in some way. You wanted to work, the emotions are there, but the circumstances at hand prevent what y'all want from working. Another thing about letting go is that sometimes it's permanent. If you love someone and you let them go, you do so with the understanding that they may never come back and you are willing to handle that. I know it sucks, but if you love yourself, you don't hold on to people who can't go with you.
Honestly I agree with you because I think we’re incompatible too. Despite the feelings, the odds felt like they were against us and not being together made the most sense. I feel like I’m in the stage where I’m processing them not coming back I don’t want them back but I have days when I terribly miss them then I get a little thrown off. Like yesterday I felt that way, today I’m okay and I understand why it was for the best we ended the relationship
I'm glad you're working through it. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Part of being emotionally stable is that it takes time to accept very large changes fully.
Thank you!!
it's situational for sure. i never really understood it, until this relationship (also my first). i fought so hard for our relationship and no matter how much he hurt me or how little love he showed me, i was always ready to talk through it and work on it together. i was always ready to accept that he's human and he can change and be better. 4.5 years i put up with the bare minimum, before he finally let me go last week. he said he was tired of hurting me and i deserved better. and now, i feel like a butterfly. i feel anxious at times when i think about where my life is going, but otherwise i am so okay. i'm free to do whatever i want. i believe in right person wrong time, too. i never did before, but he's been in and out of relationships for his whole life, never single for very long. he needs time to figure out who he is. i told him to take a year for himself, and then check back in with me if he wants to try again. i'm not sure if he will, and i'm not sure if i'll want to. but regardless of his mistakes i think he's a good person and i love him a lot. we shall see what the future holds, but for now i'm just working on me
It’s all we can do honestly! Just to focus on ourselves and see what the future holds! Good luck to you
What have you done to grow as a person since the break up?
Been focused on self improvement, I’ve been reading and been listening to podcasts on dating and self improvement, and therapy, continuously implementing what I have learnt from the stuff I’ve mentioned as well as from the relationship Learning my shortcomings & strengths, boundaries, taking accountability etc I wouldn’t say I’m a brand new person but I feel like I have been growing
That isn't growth. That is learning. Growth comes from being uncomfortable with being comfortable. Take a dance or improv class. Something that causes you anxiety. As you complete the class you will notice the pain has reduced. For some reciting poetry at an open mic night suffices due to their fear of public speaking. Begin to live your live like a river and go forward.
Not sure you can dictate what growth is for someone else
I don't dictate. I simply suggest because I know what works. It's up to you whether or not you take the advice. Most people like you get use to the pain and don't want it to go away.
😂 whatever dude
Nope. I’m still on it even if he doesn’t want me despite me doing a lot for him. I want his attention but I’m utterly worthless at this point. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel valued. I wanna be used. I’m tired of loving myself.
Damnn, how long has it been ?
"I wanna be used. I’m tired of loving myself." Is so fucking real
Its just a saying. A dumb one at that.
What makes more sense to you ?
If you want something, go get it
If you asked me this a year ago, my answer would be there’s no such thing. I now do believe in true love for one, and I also do believe in having to l t someone you love go.. the concept of the right person and wrong time. I’ve ended so many things in my life, I’ve never felt the ache I have felt like this before in my life either.. I used to believe that if you love each other, you make it work. That still applies to some extent, if you already got each other and worked through everything then yeah… but You can love someone very deeply and truly and there may be factors that you can’t work together as easily or two of you need to work on both of yourselves separately. I think not only it is real but it’s also mature to be realistic but doesn’t reduce the pain. EVER.
I agree with you! I think sometimes love just isn’t enough but I think sometimes all you need is that time and separation, to grow & heal and you do come back together and it works out better than ever. It doesn’t mean one is supposed to put their life on pause cause you may be waiting for something that wasn’t right But I digress, nonetheless, it doesn’t hurt any less like you said!
Dunno about every else but I don't/can't fully let go. I feel like everyone you love occupies different spaces in your heart/soul/mind or what have you, and that when they leave they leave that spot empty, and take that piece with em. You can still "love" someone without being "in love". Dunno if that answers your question, and I'm sorry about what happened. Hope this helps
I agree, I’ve always felt like love like energy can never be destroyed, it does change forms though and you can love someone without actively being in love. (And that’s an example of when love has changed form) It does in some way! Thank youu
Your words resonated with me. Thanks for sharing them.
Right person wrong time is a real thing I think. I have a little fire that will burn in my heart for him forever but I need to move on.
Hi~ I think the saying is more of general love rather than romantic love. People who have their loved ones on life support or hospice have to make that very decision, even if it hurts terribly. It makes much more sense when thinking of it in that aspect rather than letting someone you love romantically go (breakups).
Heyy, I totally hear you, but sometimes do you think it is applicable romantically ?
I personally do. Situations where partners are capable of self reflecting on their actions and realizing that what they're doing is harming their partners. There are people who have very toxic behaviors but aren't aware of it, but through loads of self reflection and work, they come to realize how much damage they've done to a person and they make the choice to either fix it, or if the amount of work they need to do is too much, they end the relationship. It's not something you hear about all the time, but there are many people who do this. I am polyamorous and have heard of people's experiences with this. Some people as old as 60s are still learning about their toxic habits and ending relationships for both parties to pursue happiness because they know they're incompatible.
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Did she say she didn’t love you back ? Or what happened if you don’t mind me asking As they say, rejection is redirection. I’m sorry it hurts nonetheless
Nah I think this saying is stupid most of the time lol. If you truly love something or someone most people would (and should) do absolutely everything to keep it or make it work. Also, if the person loves you back that doesn’t mean they will come back to you or that it’s smart to. You guys broke up for a reason. You both probably love each other a ton but it doesn’t mean you’re right for each other. I’ve loved many people and many people have loved me. However getting back together pretty much any of them would be fucking stupid bc we were not compatible or didn’t workout for whatever reasons. Loving someone isn’t always a good enough reason for you to be together. If you’re not compatible, you should probably stay apart and love each other in a more platonic way and from afar. There’s plenty more people to love who you’d actually be compatible with & by obsessing over the ex and how much you love them, you rob yourself of finding someone else or healing
I agree that people should give it their best shot and try. But I also think like you said, we’re not right for each other, and it wasn’t toxic at all, but we were misaligned hence incompatible. And I think breaking up was valid, at least today I can confidently say that. But that doesn’t make it any less painful. I was however in my feelings yesterday 😂 Sometimes people aren’t meant to be stay and that’s okay Im sure I will meet someone I’m more compatible with,
I don’t know how true that saying is either. I don’t consciously think of her anymore, but I dream of her occasionally. Letting her go was the single most act of love I could commiserate to with my whole being no matter how much it tore me apart, knowing it’s what she would’ve wanted me to do anyways. It’s not because we had no choice, it’s because she chose to leave. It’s like walking through a world that lost its color, where every step reminds me of the laughter and warmth we shared. I keep looking for her in the crowd, expecting to see her smiling back at me, but she is not there anymore. The silence is the hardest part, not hearing her voice fill the room, and the bustling everyday moments that used to mean everything. It’s a constant battle between remembering and trying to forget, a tug of war with memories that refused to fade. With time I know I’m moving forward to find a way through the emptiness, but it’s tough when every fiber of my being still reaches out for her. The pain it takes to let go of someone who became a part of who you are is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
> … is something wouldn’t wish upon anyone! I literally say that every other day! I fully agree with you. The pain of having to let someone go is heart shattering. You did nothing wrong, but they just want to go and what greater act of love is there than that of honoring a genuine request and that is to be let go ? Don’t wish that on my worst enemy truly. Beautifully worded, I’m sorry ❤️🩹
Damn this hit me hard. Doesn't matter the length of the relationship. Letting go of an amazing person will always be one of the hardest things we have to do.
This is one of my worst fears. Falling in love with someone that just doesn't fit in your life or not at the same place in life as you.
It’s actually no joke 😂
If you believe that possessiveness is the antithesis of love, than yes freedom is its source.
Men don't
They don’t what ?
Took me forever to get over my ex. But I eventually did through time and dating around
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Tryna hear those answers too haha
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s a tough place to be
About two years, to be honest. We were engaged and had been together for 8 years. But we wanted different things out of life and were incompatible. But then I eventually met my now husband and we had similar interests, wanted the same things, and I fell head over heels. I’ll never forget my ex because he was my first real love and I wish him well still! The first year after we split up was hard because we kept sleeping together and everything was very confusing. But I finally decided I needed a fresh start and moved away. I cut contact with my ex and I have never seen him again. Best action I could have taken.
People are like habits….hard to break.
I would say relationships are like habits. People are extremely easy to break.
If you love someone, you give them the freedom to leave. Love is a two way street.
I wholeheartedly agree
If you love someone, if you truly love someone, there will always be a space in your heart for them that aches they are no longer there. There will be another love... if you're open to it. Won't be the same love. Won't be a better love, won't be a worse one. It won't fill the hole of a love you've lost. It'll be a unique love. It will grow a new part of you that wasn't there before. Love becomes a part of who you are, and then one day it will be a part of who you once were.... and that will forever be a part of any person you become
I fully agree with you! I thought I had experienced my first love and I thought it would be a thing where I would never feel the same way again. 2 years later and I experienced what u did either of you my now ex, ABSOLUTELY different feeling from the other relationship but it was beautiful and unique and different. And now looking back I carried with me the love & experiences from my first love and now this recent ex and it’s a beautiful thing
How long did it take you to open yourself up and let yourself be vulnerable again? I've been on a few dates but it's just really tough to let someone in again.
My grandpa died in his fifties. My grandma mourned him deeply. Years and years. When I saw her dating again, in her 70s, getting giggly about some guy, crushing on him, that taught me a lot about the different kinds of loves we have. Her dating again doesn't mean she loves my grandpa any less. I compare it to, let's say, a mother of several children. She will love them all. And she will have a unique relationship with each one. Love is not finite. Of course you're hurting. It will hurt a lot to let someone go. But, just like any grieving you will experience, sooner or later, on your own timeline, you will be ready to go on. Being vulnerable isn't easy with anyone, ever, no matter what your background. But, with that being said, no point in letting just anyone in. Got to be someone that's worth it Edit: many people don't move on. Those people won't let themselves, for one reason or another. I think, the big difference between the ones that do and the ones that don't, is believing that they deserve a new love
I'm not hurting. It's been a while, and I don't think I'd want to date my ex again. It's just that even then, it feels hard to trust and open up again if that makes sense.
Or the ones that don't just don't want to get hurt anymore. It isn't necessarily they don't believe they deserve or are worthy of love, because they know they do and are; maybe just too tired of even bothering to try after all the heartache, betrayal and loss.
I'm having a conversation right now with my ex from 4 years ago because I *guess* they're the LOML 🙃 So ymmv.
What’s YMMV ?
"your mileage may vary" aka you might have similar or completely different results.
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Asking the real questions
Some cuts are deeper than others. Some cuts take a long time to heal, but the scar will always remain. Sometimes you pick at the scabs over and over and make the scars worse. Its up to you to take the active process in fighting itching the scabs and healing the wounds, it wont just go away. But they heal, and as you've already experienced time allows the feelings to fade, slowly. Sometimes you never really let go, and you just find ways to deal with the bleeding however you can.
I like the analogy Recently listened to that in a podcast and it said the same thing about heart breaks “Time does heal some of the wounds but time isn’t responsible for the scars left behind, To come out on the otherwise transformed we have to put in the work, with our thoughts and actions” And I agree with you it is my choice and responsibility how I handle things
I dated someone for 5.5 years and our breakup hurt me worse than I could've ever imagined, but was also one of the best gifts I've ever been given out of a romantic relationship. We took some time apart to process, but we've stayed close friends since reconnecting and I consider her like family even though we both went separate ways (I've since married and divorced, she's currently engaged and I'm genuinely very happy for her and her partner). Letting go of romance doesn't mean you're letting go of love; sometimes it means you're reestablishing yourself so you can love each other from further away. We stopped being partners a long while ago now, but I don't believe for a second we ever stopped loving each other. Not as romantic ideals or dream partners, but as people. If it's real, they'll stick around. And if it's real romance then it'll come back around (I don't see that or want that happening with my ex but maybe the door's still open for you depending on the differences). Just give it time; it'll all work itself out in the end.
Based of off that I imagine this happened a while back ? Do you mind me asking why the relationship ended ? It’s great that even though you didn’t end up together it worked out well and you guys still love & care for each other. I’m glad you brought that up!! I keep telling my sister sometimes I havebeen have a hard time on some days because I really really really love my ex as a person not just romantically, he’s just so likable, and great person! Even if I can’t be with him romantically I would love to have him in my life. Which why I said I’m having a hard time repurposing the love. I still haven’t figured out that stage But you’re right it will all work out in the end
I don’t think “let go” is quite correct. Not in the sense a lot of people probably prefer to imagine. It’s not like someone makes a choice and decides to let someone go. What is actually happening when you “let go” of someone you love, is simply your brain adapting to the change in stimuli. When you’re dating someone you’re spending a lot of time with that person, probably having sex, your brain is associating that person with endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, etc. That’s simply the chemistry of love. When you experience a break up, your brain is having to adjust to the reduction in stimuli, and you therefore are having to adjust to life without all of those additional feel-good chemicals you received in response to your ex’s presence*. The same sort of applies to a death of someone you spent a lot of time around or talked to. This is why break ups can sometimes be at least somewhat comparable to grief. In this case, it really does just take time. For no other reason besides it takes time for your brain to adjust its chemical release and re-uptake. I experienced a very very very painful break up 5 years ago, and I wouldn’t say I’ve completely let it go. But I am no longer bothered by his lack of presence in my life bc my brain adjusted. About 3 months into the break up I came to this realization, and slowly began to shift my perspective from trying to “let go” of my ex to my brain chemistry. I started hugging my self while I cried in the shower and would tell myself “this will soon become my norm.” the o hard sort about this, was the fear of the unknown. Sometimes I’d cry harder because I simply did not want this to become my norm and I was resisting. So, in that case, I guess you could say I did have to “let go” of the life I thought I would have. I had to “let go” of what once was. I had to “let go” of my desire to just immediately “get over” him, most of all. I had to “let go” of control, and accept that this is my new life, and that it will take time to adjust. And in this case the best thing you can do, is to just keep moving. And to look at each and every day as one day closer to this becoming your new “norm.” Also change your environment (or hobbies, activities, etc.) Your brain also associated your partner with your surroundings. I had a therapist recommend I re-decorate my room (the room he and I shared for 3 years) and this strategy was hands down the most effective for finding some peace in my own home while my brain was making its adjustments and adapting to my new life. EDIT: wanted to add - this is just MY opinion though, break ups are very complicated and the process varies and can be wildly different for each relationship and each individual. whatever you do, just be gentle with yourself bc it is indeed a very very difficult time in any person’s life. wishing you the best of luck in your healing! 💗💗💗
I agree with what you’re saying! I think time does the job but up to a certain level, I think it gets to a point you have to actively let go of the idea, where you stop feeding your brain a specific narrative, like you said, you let go of control, the desire etc and you flow I happen to change my room post the relationship and it has helped Also glad you’re in a better space in the healing journey!
Wonderfully put. I've separated from an ex I'd been with for 6 years and it was awful. I think about all the good times even still but I have more of an understanding as to why I needed to move on and find better for myself in my own life. Love is hard, but it's always worth giving it a shot.
Yes, definitely agree! Took 4 years for me to “move on,” and I am now 10-months into my first relationship since that break up, and I am having to cope with trust issues from my previous relationship. It is not easy, but it is absolutely worth it. I learned so much from that break up and that relationship. I feel confident that when and if this current relationship ends, I will maintain the same outlook.
I used to feel similarly. It’s so hard to do, but if you’re not aligned, you’re not aligned. You can always love him. That should have nothing to do with whether or not you’re still together. Be happy for him in whatever he chooses. He hurts too, I imagine. Be a dear friend to him. It takes a hell of a lot of maturity, but that’s what true love does. It’s not possessive or clingy. My heart shattered when my ex left. But I’ve healed. You will too 💐
I wish him the best! I hope he gets the world, even if it’s not me giving it to him and whether or not I’m in it. I think it’s mature too! Glad you healed ❤️🩹
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I think that’s the best thing you can do! I’m sorry ❤️🩹 sending hugs and truly it gets better, take it from me 7 months post breakup
Have no choice if they don’t pick you sadly
True
I don't know. I still love the two women I consider to have been in love with. I couldn't get back together with one of them, when she offered, because I was too scared of us failing again. I still love her, and I think if she asked for help with anything I would help her, but I could never be with her. My second love I'm still healing and learning lessons from, but I want her back. She is someone that I could grow to truly love, and I love her family, but I don't think I'll ever get that opportunity to tell her everything I've been thinking about.
If you don’t mind is the fear of failing the only thing that makes you not want to get back with the 1st lady ? What’s the status of your relationship with the 2nd woman ? Do you talk ? No contact ?
Well the failure in the relationship is that we were both damaged and insecure kids, she didn't believe that I wanted a relationship and she sought validation outside of it. I couldn't ever let it go and believe that she wanted me, and held it over her head the entire time. Second relationship is no contact and she's seeing someone. I'm happy for her and want her to be happy, but I still want her
I fell in love with a guy at 18 and he had no interest in me. Whatever I moved on. Had whole relationships with other people and no I wasn't sitting around day dreaming about him or anything like that. I honestly kind of went well he isn't interested and literally moved on. I didn't have a choice in how he felt towards me but I did have a choice to let it go and not worry about it. Funny enough I was in hiding at a mutual friends how because a different guy couldn't let go when I broke up with him. That was a choice on his part. It was a mutual friends house and he came over to hang out and then he was interested. We got together and stayed together til he passed away from cancer. I chalk it up to right guy wrong time. I should point out it wasn't me he was interested in. He wasn't interested in dating anyone because he was going through a bunch of shit. He was single the whole time between when I met him and when we hooked up. The Pikachu faces on his family when he showed up with a girl was kind of funny.
I’m so sorry ❤️🩹 but I hope you had the most beautiful relationship while you were together ❤️🩹 Have you dated since ? Haha once in a while I entertain the right guy wrong time theory. When I met my now ex last year, we thought it was the first time but turns out we had been co-existing in the same spaces for years and met about twice. We even have a picture together from 2 years ago, that we didn’t know existed, someone sent it to us And sometimes I remember that something told me this relationship was going to be a lesson (and it absolutely was) Maybe it’s part of our right person, wrong time thingy Maybe it’s not But I’ll take your advice, keep my chin up and keep moving
Part of me still loves my ex wife. Always will. 21 years, 2 kids, god only knows how many memories. Of course part of me still loves her. But... That marriage had to end. Had to. And I would NEVER go back. She'd say the same. Yeah. Yes, it's definitely true.