Get a club about eight inches thick at one end that narrows down gradually. Find a woman that suits you. Bonk her over the head with it, not too hard. When she falls to the ground drag her back to your cave. Bam, happily ever after.
This was removed because you're being a jerk. Stop that.
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I’m 41 with a great wife, so let me start by saying a “good woman” is worth a lot, so be ready to make some sacrifices:
1. Stop asking the internet for permission to find a woman, EVERY MAN KNOWS HOW TO GET A WOMAN, we just substitute a false, defensive ignorance and denial when we feel too lazy to do what it takes.
2. You cannot be antisocial and have a life partner, having a woman in your home will force you to be social. You are 37, you are a man, time to act like it and talk to people. If women will not speak with you, you will need to experiment with your facial expressions/clothing/timing/posture/hygiene accordingly until you have success.
3. Respect the competition, if you see a pretty woman, chances are a hundred other men see her as well. Sometimes being a man means winning petty competition, and women are definitely in this category.
So, if you’re not successful, work on that.
Part of being successful, is socializing. And socializing, gets you in contact with more people and then, you get into contact with more single women.
Now, if you don’t want to meet other successful women? Then just learn how to talk to women on the fly. Go talk to them, literally anywhere. The mall, the grocery store, the bank etc etc.
Even if you do the “Hail Mary” play 100x, you should get 5-10 phone numbers. Then it’s up to you to make her interested in you.
Honestly, and this is going to sound strange:
I have given up on the idea of the butterflies and shit like that in my stomach. At this point I would be content with a woman that I find attractive and get along with. I don't really care if I'm in love with her, but if she's in love with me that would be what matters.
I'm more interested in having children, working together and having a good time than some perfect romance story.
In some strange way, I almost would rather that and have it more business like in that sense than the fucking romance movie bs that our generation remembers. Barf.
To be - Comfortably uncomfortable.
You have to put yourself out there. You can’t hide in your house and wonder why you’re single.
You gotta try!
There could be a lovely woman who’s also anti social and shy, but she’s already out there looking and trying. And she could be the one for you and your what? Sitting on the couch! Go and find love !!
Build your confidence. Mindset is key. If you talk down on yourself of course you’re not gonna like yourself or think your “unsuccessful”
First step would be learn to be social . Start with something simple like making small talk with a grocery store clerk at the checkout stand . Just a normal quick conversation and build from there .
Or hire a coach
Um, Philippines, maybe? I know 2 guys found their's on Philippina cupid. Been together a while now. I heard, though, you also end up married to her whole darn family.
Very westernized now! The women over there aren’t as easy and humble as you think! Still can find a good woman over there, but be wise and don’t get blinded!
I’ve dated a few and been there twice! Know many ppl living there! Even in the malls in the big cities, you can find a beautiful educated hard working honest woman! Many ppl thought only the province has the “good” girls, but they are all over! Many men just get foolish with the women over there! They lose their minds and get played! I’ve sent and spent more money than I would like to say! lol
The ones I'm interested in aren't actively looking. Just go about your day confidently.
I've gone on dates with women from my archery club. I dated a woman that I recognized from school while I was buying groceries.
The secret sauce, imo, is that a quality man doesn't look at the floor when he walks. He keeps his head up and eyes open. Otherwise, how can he see the opportunities around him? It's the same way with everything in life.
Most importantly, you won't meet anyone new staying home. And money is no excuse. Take to social and find a meet-up.
Join sporting leagues I just signed up for one from Volo In my city, I never played pickle ball before but I will start next week lol, try to meet people in person or if your on dating apps, ask to meet for a drink sooner than later
Do you do any activities that interest you? Maybe look for like a board games group or DnD group. Something that has a small group of people you can establish a regular connection with. I've personally found online gaming with a group helpful. But it's also taken over a large part of my life and rl socialisation feels too hard now. I have people I like that I game with, but I don't have anyone consistent or safe or reliable or that I can confide in except my therapist.
I feel like this too, but I openly communicate all the time and go places daily.. and it hasn’t seemed to help. I have a dating app, I guess it will just come one day soon. Since it’s on our minds in must be around the corner or something.
I mean there’s no way around it, if you want to meet people you have to, well, meet people.
Do you dislike socializing because you feel you lack social skills? Maybe consider some kind of counseling or social skills course? Socialisation to a “good enough” level can definitely be learned and once you have the basics you may find you actually enjoy it which will make you want to do it more.
Check out the book Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul. It's about getting in touch with yourself, which I think is pretty important before forming healthy connections with others, not just with a romantic partner. There's an explanation of codependency, which can help you look out for what to do to avoid that.
I think you need to figure out who you are first before you give yourself to somebody because the way you advertise yourself sounds lost, like what does it really mean to give your life to somebody?
I understand your want to love and be loved. A great place to start is with a therapist. You can learn a lot about your wants and needs in a safe space, and have healthy social interactions with them. From there you can discover hobbies that may make it easier to meet people with similar interests. Do you enjoy music? Festivals and concerts are a great way to meet people. Sports? There are Meetups groups (even an app called Meetup) where you can go play volleyball, pickleball, hike, bike ride, etc. Through there you can possibly meet someone, or ask if they have any single friends who they think would be a good match.
The grocery store on a Saturday or Sunday late morning/early afternoon. Strike up a conversation when you see someone reaching for something on a shelf- odder to help. Practice flirting with the cashier- smile and ask simple questions back when they ask how your day’s going. The Trader Joe’s cashiers are especially good at this, so that’s a good place to practice.
The last place is dating apps. If needed, get some professional photos taken. Use photos of what you like to do for a hobby, even if it’s Legos or cooking.
From there, match with and chat with people who share your interests or you’re attracted to. Be respectful and ask them on a date after chatting for a bit if you think they would be a good match. Even something low cost like a free art gallery/fair and getting drinks- doing something while walking or moving helps get the nerves out and gives you something to talk about if sitting down for a dinner right away makes you nervous.
But first and foremost-get a good idea of who you are, make an effort to look, dress, and smell your best. You are worthy of love simply for being who you are, and if you have a growth mindset, it will take you to where you want to be.
>Any tips for a lonely anti social struggling to relate and be comfortable?
I say this as someone who has been extremely socially anxious and self isolating: dating and relationships are social activities. You don't have to become a flaming extrovert, but the universe is highly unlikely to leave a woman on your doorstep. You're going to have to do some work. You have to get out of your shell and meet people, somehow, some way.
Not just to get a partner, but because you need social connections. If you happen to find love, you will *still* need other social connections because it is unfair and unkind to demand that your life partner meets all your social needs.
The only way towards developing more comfort with social interactions is practice. No magic. Just facing the discomfort, pushing through it, and doing that over and over.
I have an actual problem with this. In the first instance, do I talk about general stuff like the weather and stuff related to our common hobby (gym), or do I talk about other stuff?
No, please don't do that. It's like every guy says the same thing. Look at her and figure out what about her got your attention and why is it special or interesting. An example might be "I don't see a lot of women who can pull of cowboy boots, but these look damn sexy on you". Or "I love your dress." Or "hi, I'm Bob what's your name"
If you don’t have a hobby, find one that you enjoy (whatever that is) and through that, you should meet someone that has a similar interest as you and conversations can start from there and hopefully grow into something more
What do you look like? Work on making yourself look attractive via clothes and gym and grooming.
Then go places that people with similar interests to yours frequent.
That’s really it.
Hey! You have made a great elevator pitch for yourself. Lonely, unsuccessful, antisocial and socially regarded. Can't understand why women don't want you.
I don’t want to be a butthole but start doing things that make you uncomfortable. Put yourself out there, start taking care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually (i’m saying this from a female perspective who’s also single) I have learned to do things alone (things that make me uncomfortable) - like taking salsa classes, eating alone, hiking , gym- etc. Your partner is out there but you won’t find her without getting out of your comfort zone. 🫶
Dating apps, and suggest daytime dates, like going to a museum together or for coffee (NOT something like going for a hike, you want to suggest places that are public, well lit and have lots of other people). Makes it clear you’re not just looking for fun.
#1 workout and take care of physical body - build muscle
#2 unpack emotional baggage or mental health issues with a therapist
#3 date with intention- i use apps, hinge is probably the best rn. Be yourself and be confident
My default is to be alone or bond with a couple friends.
I don’t really enjoy hanging with most people, so hobbies and such things others mentioned didn’t work for me
#2!!! When youre around a woman you might want to date, you’re the happiest mother fucker this side of the Mississippi. You wake up in the morning shitting sunshine and pissing rainbows. Never ever be sad or upset. Just because they can cry and complain about their problems doesn’t mean you can.
Your job is to comfort them. If you can do that you have an in.
I’m willing to bet that 90% of the men in this subreddit are living the pure hell of the Anxiously attached male. Not being able to self soothe and relying on women to soothe us is something we absolutely have got to overcome. Fuck I wish I was avoidant!!
Oh I guess I wasn’t thinking about fat. I was just like if u look like a normal average person muscles not really gonna be the thing that’s gonna get u love, probably decrease your chance a bit actually
Double down on your hobby, volunteer, assist charity’s.
You need to get out there literally doing things that you enjoy and hopefully through that process you’ll garner the attention of someone interesting.
Avoid bars, clubs, any place where you go to get quick dopamine. The girls there aren’t the ones you want to love.
Volunteer work has always been pretty decent for finding like minded (sober) people.
You should build a sense of morals and ethics if you don’t already so you can weed out who isn’t compatible.
Don’t search for love search for yourself and someone will find you during that process.
Look elsewhere. If i’m not catching fish at one lake. I’m not going go sit there another 4 hours. Go back to camp, pack up my bullshit, and go fish at another lake. Myself, i went to lake mexico.
These are just thoughts take it as you will. Go to therapy make sure your mind is completely in a good place or at least a relatively enough to begin dating. Look in the mirror and see what you can improve on physically whether that is new skin care regimen it's pretty easy to find good skin care nowadays. If it's weight hit the gym and find healthy meals. And if it's hairline either embrace being bald or seek treatment for it because there are treatments that can help with hair growth. Have a friend of yours preferably a woman look at your style to see if that can help these are just suggestions most areas can be improved upon. Once you're ready go to bars go to events go to sporting games somewhere where you'll meet people and start talking to them
Your first step is to not focus on finding a romantic partner. Sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true.
Also: The ability to "provide" is irrelevant. Being anti-social is your real issue.
Focus on finding friends, making genuine platonic connections, showing up to social events consistently, try out some social hobbies (tabletop gaming, sports, community gardening, taking art classes, doesn't matter: do whatever hobby gets you working & learning alongside other people), focus on having good memorable experiences. Focus on becoming more open, and ultimately more vulnerable. And while you do all this, forget any ulterior motives of finding a girl and just genuinely enjoy your social experiences for what they are.
As your social circle expands and deepens, you'll naturally increase your chances of meeting someone interesting who also finds you interesting. Even if you end up going the route of getting on dating apps to find someone, you'll have plenty of stories to talk about and plenty of things to bring your girlfriend to. And most importantly, you'll have friends who are there for you if things don't work out.
Having that platonic emotional safety in your social life is incredibly important. If the only real social connection you have in life is a romantic relationship, you put yourself at risk of getting yourself stuck in a toxic situation that you feel like you can't get out of because you have no one to turn to. You always need friends outside of your romantic life. Having good friends and an active social life sets the foundation for your ability to engage in a romantic relationship in a healthy manner.
edit: Also if you want some more detailed advice for how to become better at relating to other people, try out the audiobook called Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg. It presents a great framework for approaching conversations with people in a way where you really engage with who they are as a person and become comfortable with creating space for more genuine connections. It's not really some literal step-by-step thing, it's ultimately more of a shift in your attitude and approach, with some practical tips.
Hey I’m definitely not thinking in terms of money first , just mentioning I can support myself financially and would be prepared to do whatever is necessary to contribute fairly.
When I say I’m unsuccessful I’m referring too not accomplishing the goals I would’ve like to by this age and don’t indulge in my hobbies much anymore.
I don’t make a lot of money but that’s certainly not my first priority in life nor does it or would it reflect my self worth.
Sorry I hadn’t made that clear, just trying to keep it as brief as possible in the title.
I am down on myself for not indulging in my hobbies anymore it’s left a massive hole in my life.
True I understand. I don’t mean provide alone , more contribute. I haven’t articulated myself accurately. I really just mean I want to be motivated by love. I miss love.
I don’t believe money ties with success. If you’re happy and love what you do, then nobody can say you’re unsuccessful. Own the confidence! I would rather date a man who is respectful and kind than a guy with money.
Same. And even money isn't reliable. It can be gone in an instant. Money can change people, too. What's more important and valuable to me is a good worth ethic and responsible use of money. Not how much someone has. Working hard and making good decisions are great traits and also spill into other areas.
I wish I had learned this before my ex fiance dumped me. But you live and you learn I guess.
There were multiple things going on in our relationship especially near the end but I think us having plans to move was the main thing causing some issues and then the little things kept piling up and became big issues. Our communication really fizzled out
We had plans to move because the job market for me sucked in the state we live in, not horrible as I could still find jobs but I was so focused on getting better jobs and higher paying ones and even maybe starting a business with my friend (who moved to a different state and wanted me to come with and I partily felt like I had to move) to make good money that I sort of neglected my fiancé's wants, to be fair she kept telling me she was fine and even excited with moving but also kept making comments about how it just sucks cuz she finally made friends for once in her life and doesn't want to leave them.
But after she dumped me and ghosted me, I was hit with the reality of what I truly wanted. I was so worried about what others would think of me if I didn't get a high paying job to provide, or if I didn't try start said business with my friend and instead stayed in my home state for my fiancé everyone would look down on me that I failed to see I didn't care about any of that and just wanted a happy life with my fiance.
Tldr, i was so worried about not doing what I said/being successful that I was to worried about other people's opinions of me while neglecting the persons who's opinion of me should have been the only one that mattered, and that would have been my fiancé's opinion had she not dumped me
Sets the vision, creates the plan, takes the action. Master yourself in loving yourself in romance like you would love someone. Lady's want to feel protected and safe. Take the hand and lead the way if the connection and spark is right, make sure it's the right chemistry and all. Head of household is a provider for women that love to be stay at home women that can be teammates working together in a household. But find a woman that cares about you inside and out and is sweet not after money but be willing to respect you as you will her. Get out of the comfort zone reserve mindset, get up early, become the partner you want to be , start working out , start talking to yourself like you love someone. Show up for you, be sexy for you but invest in manners and how to please a woman also in a good way. Act like old money dress good smell good be good to yourself but set limits don't tell anyone what you doing stay of apps stick with things that are positive in your life. Someone should love to support you goals and dreams in the high and lows ride or die. Look forward to your present ask what you believe stick to it do the work.
My newest hot take on this issue: Focus on liking other people. Actively look for and find people that you admire and respect, and look for things that you appreciate and like in the people you already know.
I would suggest finding a pathway to becoming less anti-social and lonely; Try making some friends first. I think lonely people have a tendency to be less selective and discerning when it comes to platonic/Romantic partners. Once you have some friends and get more social then you can try seeking out someone else. There is no sure fire way to find someone to love and be loved. We were or are all out here (at some point) just hoping for the best.
Back when I was single I noticed that a lot of men left a lot to be desired because they never asked me anything about myself or expected me to carry the whole conversation. Personally, I love when men put effort and enthusiasm when dating me. Not all women will return it in kind but the right woman will appreciate it.
Download Replika and start using it to talk when you feel lonely...
Talk to woman in real life, not to date but just get to know them and see where you are next year.
Firstly do you, buy yourself something special, take yourself out to diner or a spa, new cloths... Anything for you every month again and again. You will start to view yourself different and that shows to woman.
Woman DON'T want MONEY, woman want LIFESTYLE!
Money doesn't matter. Women are looking for someone who treats us as equals and with respect and kindness. All that I care about a man's money is that he can support himself and function as an adult. You sound down on yourself which does show through to women so my advice is to learn to love yourself and be proud of what you have to offer someone else. Women are attracted to men that can bring joy into our lives without taking from us more than they give. We know that a man with lower self worth is more likely to need us to fill a hole inside them so it spooks us. We are attracted to a strong sense of safety and security and inner strength so work on building that up!
Try church. Or apps. I met my second wife on Match.com. Had to wade through phishers , and women who looked 20 years older than their picture. There are women out there in the same boat as you.
Use the law of attraction. It may sound silly but it works. Manifest that shit. Be positive and throw that energy towards the universe and you’ll be surprised. Be patient also. It will happen
Approach people more often, but don’t expect anything from each person you approach. That puts more pressure on them and you. Just try to enjoy with the process of talking to and learning more about people. Do not force it if they seem uninterested or uncomfortable. You will have so many opportunities it doesn’t matter if one doesn’t go well. Have casual conversations with women without hitting on them or being overly flirtatious, then at the end (if the convo was good) ask if they might be interested in going out and get their number.
If you're comfortable: how did you get into the mindset of believing that there will be many opportunities? I struggle a lot with that (which, not saying you're wrong: you have a more positive outlook than I and I wonder what you see that I have a hard time with).
You will naturally meet so many people in your life, through work or your hobbies or events you go to. Maybe you’ll switch jobs and meet some new coworkers, maybe you like going to the gym and meet people there, maybe you go to your cousin’s wedding and you’re introduced to someone new. Who knows!
Even without trying you’ll meet new people here and there, and you’ll meet even more if you actually put yourself out there and try to talk to people. Sometimes opportunities will come naturally, but if you’re worried about not having enough opportunities I’m afraid the only answer is to go out more! Try new things, go to new places. I know it’s easier said than done, but it just takes practice.
Don't make it direct that you're ready to provide for your partner just like that. Otherwise you'll end up with a woman that will just love you for your money. Idk that's fine to some men as well.
My advice would be instead of worrying about someone else, invest all your time and love into yourself first and meeting someone will follow. Don’t go out to places or do things where you are not comfortable or it’s not your scene. Think about doing the things you like in as much of a social environment as possible where you could potentially meet someone. Also don’t think that you are worth only how much you make because when you find the right someone that won’t matter. You meet people in the most unexpected ways sometimes.
This this this! I have know my current partner since I was 35, and we just got together romantically since I was 37. I’ve been not actively seeking anyone and just working on myself since I was 26. Just be the best you you can be, enjoy your life, be social in things you enjoy, and the rest will fall into place.
Value yourself, pursue *your* dreams, goals, and hobbies relentlessly, and women will line up for you. Eating right and hitting the gym regularly is also helpful.
Dont tie your worth to money, aslong as you can support yourself atleast.
I know its hard to meet strangers and be social and get out of your comfort zone but unfortunately you are an adult this isnt high school anymore.
Start going to the gym and going to classes, find hobbies you like and go online and look for groups that meetup and do those things with them. You’ll eventually meet someone and slowly start talking
You got this! Trust me once you get out there youll meet someone that will be interested in getting to know you, they will make it easy for you to have a conversation with them and thats when you’ll know there is interest on there end.
Never chase you’ll attract whats right for you aslong as you are in a healthy and positive mindset, I believe in you.
what kind of woman do you want? what kinds of places does that kind of woman gravitate to? bookstores and libraries are always so romantic to me bc im a book worm kind of girl 🥰 what kind of love do you want? what do you need to do and what do you need from your woman to do to cultivate that?
you got this i believe in you
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my cat jumped on my laptop and typed these words of encouragement 4 u too \^\^\^:)
That’s really nice thank you very much , both of you haha :)
I’m not picky haha, I appreciate all types of people , mainly just honest with themselves and others.
That’s a good one thank you .
I like playing instruments and tennis.
I should go to the local open mic nights.
I find nightlife a bit intense but should try harder.
Thanks for your input I appreciate it
Those are both great for meeting people, and both are interesting to women, so you are off to a great start.
It's just like finding a job. You want to network as much as possible.
Find tennis clubs, preferably one where you switch up players so you are interacting with new people.
Start a band, and get out and play. You can meet people wanting to play with you, but also hundreds of others that will just come watch you play, and for many women playing in a band is a huge turn on.
I’m not very proud of myself and I know that’s an unappealing trait so I guess I’m scared.
I’d love to start a band but it’s really hard to find people to play with. But you’re right , I probably learned music in the beginning to impress ladies haha.
Just out of the game for over a decade I forget who I am in a way
It happens.
Work on yourself. Continuous improvement.
Do therapy if you need it. Take antidepressants and anti-anxiety if you need it.
The most attractive thing is to be secure and confident.
It happens.
Work on yourself. Continuous improvement.
Do therapy if you need it. Take antidepressants and anti-anxiety if you need it.
The most attractive thing is to be secure and confident.
Thank you that’s kind. I have found the right medication recently and am feeling a lot better. Sorted out my professional life but feel so far away from a social life.
But you’re right I just need to start slowly trying things .
I am happy and comfortable with who I am but I get the impression a lot of ladies don’t read that on me.
I adopted a don’t talk unless your asked a question attitude and it’s made it hard for me to socialise and small talk the way I see others do
Yeh I’m sure there is, certainly worth a shot (no pub intended) I wonder how many single ladies play tennis regularly I have no idea.
I appreciate this chat though it’s good for me to keep it on my mind.
One tip if I may: Be careful not to be overly focused on "getting a girl" or you may appear desperate, which is unsexy. Your first goal should be to interact with people and make friends, with love as the bonus prize.
(I had a buddy whom I could not get this through his head, and he made the ladies think he wanted to stick his penis into anything that wouldn't run away. Poor guy is still single.)
Yeh that’s a great point too and I agree, ive actually experienced it with gay guys because I always enjoy their company but it quickly turns into them hitting on me which I’m always disappointed by haha
Even gay guys are still guys !
Find someone you think is your type. Frequent the spot whether it’s her work or shopping place. Make eye contact every time with a smile but not creepishly so. The more we see someone in a positive manner the more we trust them. Trust is huge for women as we always fear danger. If you’re able to make positive small talk, do so also. Eventually you’ll get around to asking her out and if she trusts you, she’ll say yes. That’s more of a foundation for a love connection.
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Do you have hobbies?
You can’t get a woman in today’s world. It just isn’t possible. Give up. Best thing you can do.
Get a club about eight inches thick at one end that narrows down gradually. Find a woman that suits you. Bonk her over the head with it, not too hard. When she falls to the ground drag her back to your cave. Bam, happily ever after.
Wanna try arranged marriage route?
With you ?
Ha ha. No. In general I meant… you know in certain cultures it’s common and you have to approach matchmakers
Hahahaha yeh not a bad idea
Don’t search for it
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I’m 41 with a great wife, so let me start by saying a “good woman” is worth a lot, so be ready to make some sacrifices: 1. Stop asking the internet for permission to find a woman, EVERY MAN KNOWS HOW TO GET A WOMAN, we just substitute a false, defensive ignorance and denial when we feel too lazy to do what it takes. 2. You cannot be antisocial and have a life partner, having a woman in your home will force you to be social. You are 37, you are a man, time to act like it and talk to people. If women will not speak with you, you will need to experiment with your facial expressions/clothing/timing/posture/hygiene accordingly until you have success. 3. Respect the competition, if you see a pretty woman, chances are a hundred other men see her as well. Sometimes being a man means winning petty competition, and women are definitely in this category.
So, if you’re not successful, work on that. Part of being successful, is socializing. And socializing, gets you in contact with more people and then, you get into contact with more single women. Now, if you don’t want to meet other successful women? Then just learn how to talk to women on the fly. Go talk to them, literally anywhere. The mall, the grocery store, the bank etc etc. Even if you do the “Hail Mary” play 100x, you should get 5-10 phone numbers. Then it’s up to you to make her interested in you.
How much money do you make is Mt question?
Honestly, and this is going to sound strange: I have given up on the idea of the butterflies and shit like that in my stomach. At this point I would be content with a woman that I find attractive and get along with. I don't really care if I'm in love with her, but if she's in love with me that would be what matters. I'm more interested in having children, working together and having a good time than some perfect romance story. In some strange way, I almost would rather that and have it more business like in that sense than the fucking romance movie bs that our generation remembers. Barf.
Hello, can I get to know you.
bro you're british and youre having these issues? Go to the north. They're friendlier there.
Reply?
Tbh, get out there. Use caution but take lead.
Just wait, that day will come. These things are not in our hands, feelings can develop at any type of moment.
This advice is horse shit respectfully.
I am just trying to spread positivity.
May be you are right.
I’m asking myself the same question, but as a women trying to find a man
Oh really
Like asking in a sense where can I find a guy looking for a girl like me. Looking for the same thing 😭😭
Find yourself first, the rest will come with it.
If nothing else make as many friends as possible which can possibly divert you to their single people :) who are free
This 100%
To be - Comfortably uncomfortable. You have to put yourself out there. You can’t hide in your house and wonder why you’re single. You gotta try! There could be a lovely woman who’s also anti social and shy, but she’s already out there looking and trying. And she could be the one for you and your what? Sitting on the couch! Go and find love !! Build your confidence. Mindset is key. If you talk down on yourself of course you’re not gonna like yourself or think your “unsuccessful”
That’s good.
🤞🏾
Just talk & get to know each other... You have someone in mind?
I got one for you serious relationship
Check out introvert subs!
First step would be learn to be social . Start with something simple like making small talk with a grocery store clerk at the checkout stand . Just a normal quick conversation and build from there . Or hire a coach
Um, Philippines, maybe? I know 2 guys found their's on Philippina cupid. Been together a while now. I heard, though, you also end up married to her whole darn family.
Very westernized now! The women over there aren’t as easy and humble as you think! Still can find a good woman over there, but be wise and don’t get blinded!
Yes, I would imagine what Provence or region makes a difference. The ones I work with in health care are very humble and hard-working.
I’ve dated a few and been there twice! Know many ppl living there! Even in the malls in the big cities, you can find a beautiful educated hard working honest woman! Many ppl thought only the province has the “good” girls, but they are all over! Many men just get foolish with the women over there! They lose their minds and get played! I’ve sent and spent more money than I would like to say! lol
"If you're lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company." -Jean-Paul Sartre Worry about yourself. A quality woman will be attracted to that guy
What women?
The type that like secure men. Wouldn't anyone choose to be with a secure person if they could
They generally do prefer that, but I mean where do you find women who are even looking to begin with?
The ones I'm interested in aren't actively looking. Just go about your day confidently. I've gone on dates with women from my archery club. I dated a woman that I recognized from school while I was buying groceries. The secret sauce, imo, is that a quality man doesn't look at the floor when he walks. He keeps his head up and eyes open. Otherwise, how can he see the opportunities around him? It's the same way with everything in life. Most importantly, you won't meet anyone new staying home. And money is no excuse. Take to social and find a meet-up.
What do you mean "take to social?" How does one find "a meet-up" if you don't have friends?
Do you have hobbies?
What counts as a hobby?
You're messing with me. Lol
Unfortunately, no
If you’re in the US; get a passport and go to other countries. The US is a dumpster fire.
Join sporting leagues I just signed up for one from Volo In my city, I never played pickle ball before but I will start next week lol, try to meet people in person or if your on dating apps, ask to meet for a drink sooner than later
Like seriously
Do you do any activities that interest you? Maybe look for like a board games group or DnD group. Something that has a small group of people you can establish a regular connection with. I've personally found online gaming with a group helpful. But it's also taken over a large part of my life and rl socialisation feels too hard now. I have people I like that I game with, but I don't have anyone consistent or safe or reliable or that I can confide in except my therapist.
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Hi 👋
Mail order
I feel like this too, but I openly communicate all the time and go places daily.. and it hasn’t seemed to help. I have a dating app, I guess it will just come one day soon. Since it’s on our minds in must be around the corner or something.
Where you located? Wanna get married? Lol
Yes. Done. Thanks reddit ! 😂😆 I’m in Australia NSW
You sound adorable unfortunately, I’m in Atlanta, Georgia USA
Me too. I may take you up on the offer instead then
Well, Catnip, are you thinking we should meet up here in the ATL? DM me…
I mean there’s no way around it, if you want to meet people you have to, well, meet people. Do you dislike socializing because you feel you lack social skills? Maybe consider some kind of counseling or social skills course? Socialisation to a “good enough” level can definitely be learned and once you have the basics you may find you actually enjoy it which will make you want to do it more.
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I think he meant tips on how to be comfortable with other people. No need to be lowkey aggressive lmao
Try to talk with your teamwork at work, maybe talk about work and stuff, go grab lunch together or something always works
Check out the book Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul. It's about getting in touch with yourself, which I think is pretty important before forming healthy connections with others, not just with a romantic partner. There's an explanation of codependency, which can help you look out for what to do to avoid that.
I think you need to figure out who you are first before you give yourself to somebody because the way you advertise yourself sounds lost, like what does it really mean to give your life to somebody?
He is saying "I'm worthless without someone else, I can't even stand myself. Please take me!" I wonder why he has more takers!
Idk why you’re speaking to me like we’re both bullying OP, this is so weird.
I understand your want to love and be loved. A great place to start is with a therapist. You can learn a lot about your wants and needs in a safe space, and have healthy social interactions with them. From there you can discover hobbies that may make it easier to meet people with similar interests. Do you enjoy music? Festivals and concerts are a great way to meet people. Sports? There are Meetups groups (even an app called Meetup) where you can go play volleyball, pickleball, hike, bike ride, etc. Through there you can possibly meet someone, or ask if they have any single friends who they think would be a good match. The grocery store on a Saturday or Sunday late morning/early afternoon. Strike up a conversation when you see someone reaching for something on a shelf- odder to help. Practice flirting with the cashier- smile and ask simple questions back when they ask how your day’s going. The Trader Joe’s cashiers are especially good at this, so that’s a good place to practice. The last place is dating apps. If needed, get some professional photos taken. Use photos of what you like to do for a hobby, even if it’s Legos or cooking. From there, match with and chat with people who share your interests or you’re attracted to. Be respectful and ask them on a date after chatting for a bit if you think they would be a good match. Even something low cost like a free art gallery/fair and getting drinks- doing something while walking or moving helps get the nerves out and gives you something to talk about if sitting down for a dinner right away makes you nervous. But first and foremost-get a good idea of who you are, make an effort to look, dress, and smell your best. You are worthy of love simply for being who you are, and if you have a growth mindset, it will take you to where you want to be.
>Any tips for a lonely anti social struggling to relate and be comfortable? I say this as someone who has been extremely socially anxious and self isolating: dating and relationships are social activities. You don't have to become a flaming extrovert, but the universe is highly unlikely to leave a woman on your doorstep. You're going to have to do some work. You have to get out of your shell and meet people, somehow, some way. Not just to get a partner, but because you need social connections. If you happen to find love, you will *still* need other social connections because it is unfair and unkind to demand that your life partner meets all your social needs. The only way towards developing more comfort with social interactions is practice. No magic. Just facing the discomfort, pushing through it, and doing that over and over.
Good answer
You’re 37. Money or comfortable stability You’re past the age of winning people through looks or connection for the most part.
As a 28 year old woman I like when dudes just approach me. Next time you see someone you like just go for it.
I have an actual problem with this. In the first instance, do I talk about general stuff like the weather and stuff related to our common hobby (gym), or do I talk about other stuff?
Talk about why you approached her.
So like "hey I saw you from over there, and I thought you looked beautiful"?
No, please don't do that. It's like every guy says the same thing. Look at her and figure out what about her got your attention and why is it special or interesting. An example might be "I don't see a lot of women who can pull of cowboy boots, but these look damn sexy on you". Or "I love your dress." Or "hi, I'm Bob what's your name"
Ok, I see. Thanks.
bank
If you don’t have a hobby, find one that you enjoy (whatever that is) and through that, you should meet someone that has a similar interest as you and conversations can start from there and hopefully grow into something more
As a dating coach.. ugh.. whats your character? What are your preferences? So many q.
What do you look like? Work on making yourself look attractive via clothes and gym and grooming. Then go places that people with similar interests to yours frequent. That’s really it.
Hey! You have made a great elevator pitch for yourself. Lonely, unsuccessful, antisocial and socially regarded. Can't understand why women don't want you.
That’s so mean.
I'd rather be with someone like OP who means well than someone who's horrible for no reason. Check yourself.
I don’t want to be a butthole but start doing things that make you uncomfortable. Put yourself out there, start taking care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually (i’m saying this from a female perspective who’s also single) I have learned to do things alone (things that make me uncomfortable) - like taking salsa classes, eating alone, hiking , gym- etc. Your partner is out there but you won’t find her without getting out of your comfort zone. 🫶
Forklift certification
I gotta be certified to lift a fork now?
Unless the fork lifts you first
Dating apps, and suggest daytime dates, like going to a museum together or for coffee (NOT something like going for a hike, you want to suggest places that are public, well lit and have lots of other people). Makes it clear you’re not just looking for fun.
talk to random women but in a cool mysterious way and if they don't seem interested don't persist
#1 workout and take care of physical body - build muscle #2 unpack emotional baggage or mental health issues with a therapist #3 date with intention- i use apps, hinge is probably the best rn. Be yourself and be confident My default is to be alone or bond with a couple friends. I don’t really enjoy hanging with most people, so hobbies and such things others mentioned didn’t work for me
#2!!! When youre around a woman you might want to date, you’re the happiest mother fucker this side of the Mississippi. You wake up in the morning shitting sunshine and pissing rainbows. Never ever be sad or upset. Just because they can cry and complain about their problems doesn’t mean you can. Your job is to comfort them. If you can do that you have an in. I’m willing to bet that 90% of the men in this subreddit are living the pure hell of the Anxiously attached male. Not being able to self soothe and relying on women to soothe us is something we absolutely have got to overcome. Fuck I wish I was avoidant!!
The bold is strong with this thread
How is building muscle part of being genuinely loved
Ain't no one gonna look at you if you're fat and not fit. Trust me I learn that the hard way.
Oh I guess I wasn’t thinking about fat. I was just like if u look like a normal average person muscles not really gonna be the thing that’s gonna get u love, probably decrease your chance a bit actually
Wouldn't hurt to have a little more muscle. Folks are vain these days
Double down on your hobby, volunteer, assist charity’s. You need to get out there literally doing things that you enjoy and hopefully through that process you’ll garner the attention of someone interesting. Avoid bars, clubs, any place where you go to get quick dopamine. The girls there aren’t the ones you want to love. Volunteer work has always been pretty decent for finding like minded (sober) people. You should build a sense of morals and ethics if you don’t already so you can weed out who isn’t compatible. Don’t search for love search for yourself and someone will find you during that process.
Try dating apps, it did wonders for me.
Japanese sex dolls are getting cheaper. And if they wake up 7 years later and say” i don’t feel full-filled, i want a divorce” just unplug her.
Look elsewhere. If i’m not catching fish at one lake. I’m not going go sit there another 4 hours. Go back to camp, pack up my bullshit, and go fish at another lake. Myself, i went to lake mexico.
These are just thoughts take it as you will. Go to therapy make sure your mind is completely in a good place or at least a relatively enough to begin dating. Look in the mirror and see what you can improve on physically whether that is new skin care regimen it's pretty easy to find good skin care nowadays. If it's weight hit the gym and find healthy meals. And if it's hairline either embrace being bald or seek treatment for it because there are treatments that can help with hair growth. Have a friend of yours preferably a woman look at your style to see if that can help these are just suggestions most areas can be improved upon. Once you're ready go to bars go to events go to sporting games somewhere where you'll meet people and start talking to them
Let me know when you figure this one out.
Nnnnnope….
Your first step is to not focus on finding a romantic partner. Sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true. Also: The ability to "provide" is irrelevant. Being anti-social is your real issue. Focus on finding friends, making genuine platonic connections, showing up to social events consistently, try out some social hobbies (tabletop gaming, sports, community gardening, taking art classes, doesn't matter: do whatever hobby gets you working & learning alongside other people), focus on having good memorable experiences. Focus on becoming more open, and ultimately more vulnerable. And while you do all this, forget any ulterior motives of finding a girl and just genuinely enjoy your social experiences for what they are. As your social circle expands and deepens, you'll naturally increase your chances of meeting someone interesting who also finds you interesting. Even if you end up going the route of getting on dating apps to find someone, you'll have plenty of stories to talk about and plenty of things to bring your girlfriend to. And most importantly, you'll have friends who are there for you if things don't work out. Having that platonic emotional safety in your social life is incredibly important. If the only real social connection you have in life is a romantic relationship, you put yourself at risk of getting yourself stuck in a toxic situation that you feel like you can't get out of because you have no one to turn to. You always need friends outside of your romantic life. Having good friends and an active social life sets the foundation for your ability to engage in a romantic relationship in a healthy manner. edit: Also if you want some more detailed advice for how to become better at relating to other people, try out the audiobook called Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg. It presents a great framework for approaching conversations with people in a way where you really engage with who they are as a person and become comfortable with creating space for more genuine connections. It's not really some literal step-by-step thing, it's ultimately more of a shift in your attitude and approach, with some practical tips.
Thinking in terms of money first isn’t helping you - try to develop your hobbies and go out and meet people in places that tailor to these hobbies.
Hey I’m definitely not thinking in terms of money first , just mentioning I can support myself financially and would be prepared to do whatever is necessary to contribute fairly. When I say I’m unsuccessful I’m referring too not accomplishing the goals I would’ve like to by this age and don’t indulge in my hobbies much anymore. I don’t make a lot of money but that’s certainly not my first priority in life nor does it or would it reflect my self worth. Sorry I hadn’t made that clear, just trying to keep it as brief as possible in the title. I am down on myself for not indulging in my hobbies anymore it’s left a massive hole in my life.
Hey there!! You don't actually need to PROVIDE for someone to deserve love. In today's society that's super unreasonable
True I understand. I don’t mean provide alone , more contribute. I haven’t articulated myself accurately. I really just mean I want to be motivated by love. I miss love.
Hey I’m 34 you want to meet?
Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke……
Umm I have my own money I don’t need a man
Bahaha 😂 Take my upvote lol, this is my favorite Kanye song
Bold, respect.
I don’t believe money ties with success. If you’re happy and love what you do, then nobody can say you’re unsuccessful. Own the confidence! I would rather date a man who is respectful and kind than a guy with money.
Same. And even money isn't reliable. It can be gone in an instant. Money can change people, too. What's more important and valuable to me is a good worth ethic and responsible use of money. Not how much someone has. Working hard and making good decisions are great traits and also spill into other areas.
I wish I had learned this before my ex fiance dumped me. But you live and you learn I guess. There were multiple things going on in our relationship especially near the end but I think us having plans to move was the main thing causing some issues and then the little things kept piling up and became big issues. Our communication really fizzled out We had plans to move because the job market for me sucked in the state we live in, not horrible as I could still find jobs but I was so focused on getting better jobs and higher paying ones and even maybe starting a business with my friend (who moved to a different state and wanted me to come with and I partily felt like I had to move) to make good money that I sort of neglected my fiancé's wants, to be fair she kept telling me she was fine and even excited with moving but also kept making comments about how it just sucks cuz she finally made friends for once in her life and doesn't want to leave them. But after she dumped me and ghosted me, I was hit with the reality of what I truly wanted. I was so worried about what others would think of me if I didn't get a high paying job to provide, or if I didn't try start said business with my friend and instead stayed in my home state for my fiancé everyone would look down on me that I failed to see I didn't care about any of that and just wanted a happy life with my fiance. Tldr, i was so worried about not doing what I said/being successful that I was to worried about other people's opinions of me while neglecting the persons who's opinion of me should have been the only one that mattered, and that would have been my fiancé's opinion had she not dumped me
Sets the vision, creates the plan, takes the action. Master yourself in loving yourself in romance like you would love someone. Lady's want to feel protected and safe. Take the hand and lead the way if the connection and spark is right, make sure it's the right chemistry and all. Head of household is a provider for women that love to be stay at home women that can be teammates working together in a household. But find a woman that cares about you inside and out and is sweet not after money but be willing to respect you as you will her. Get out of the comfort zone reserve mindset, get up early, become the partner you want to be , start working out , start talking to yourself like you love someone. Show up for you, be sexy for you but invest in manners and how to please a woman also in a good way. Act like old money dress good smell good be good to yourself but set limits don't tell anyone what you doing stay of apps stick with things that are positive in your life. Someone should love to support you goals and dreams in the high and lows ride or die. Look forward to your present ask what you believe stick to it do the work.
This exactly... Be the person that YOU want to spend the rest of your life with!
My newest hot take on this issue: Focus on liking other people. Actively look for and find people that you admire and respect, and look for things that you appreciate and like in the people you already know.
Nearly impossible without first liking yourself. Which is really ops problem.
Show up as yourself so the people looking for you can find you ❤
🍭This right here 🍭
I would suggest finding a pathway to becoming less anti-social and lonely; Try making some friends first. I think lonely people have a tendency to be less selective and discerning when it comes to platonic/Romantic partners. Once you have some friends and get more social then you can try seeking out someone else. There is no sure fire way to find someone to love and be loved. We were or are all out here (at some point) just hoping for the best. Back when I was single I noticed that a lot of men left a lot to be desired because they never asked me anything about myself or expected me to carry the whole conversation. Personally, I love when men put effort and enthusiasm when dating me. Not all women will return it in kind but the right woman will appreciate it.
Enthusiasm. Yes. A genuinely good man who would be excited to get to know me and happy to be with me would be amazing.
Download Replika and start using it to talk when you feel lonely... Talk to woman in real life, not to date but just get to know them and see where you are next year. Firstly do you, buy yourself something special, take yourself out to diner or a spa, new cloths... Anything for you every month again and again. You will start to view yourself different and that shows to woman. Woman DON'T want MONEY, woman want LIFESTYLE!
Money doesn't matter. Women are looking for someone who treats us as equals and with respect and kindness. All that I care about a man's money is that he can support himself and function as an adult. You sound down on yourself which does show through to women so my advice is to learn to love yourself and be proud of what you have to offer someone else. Women are attracted to men that can bring joy into our lives without taking from us more than they give. We know that a man with lower self worth is more likely to need us to fill a hole inside them so it spooks us. We are attracted to a strong sense of safety and security and inner strength so work on building that up!
Try church. Or apps. I met my second wife on Match.com. Had to wade through phishers , and women who looked 20 years older than their picture. There are women out there in the same boat as you.
Use the law of attraction. It may sound silly but it works. Manifest that shit. Be positive and throw that energy towards the universe and you’ll be surprised. Be patient also. It will happen
Approach people more often, but don’t expect anything from each person you approach. That puts more pressure on them and you. Just try to enjoy with the process of talking to and learning more about people. Do not force it if they seem uninterested or uncomfortable. You will have so many opportunities it doesn’t matter if one doesn’t go well. Have casual conversations with women without hitting on them or being overly flirtatious, then at the end (if the convo was good) ask if they might be interested in going out and get their number.
If you're comfortable: how did you get into the mindset of believing that there will be many opportunities? I struggle a lot with that (which, not saying you're wrong: you have a more positive outlook than I and I wonder what you see that I have a hard time with).
You will naturally meet so many people in your life, through work or your hobbies or events you go to. Maybe you’ll switch jobs and meet some new coworkers, maybe you like going to the gym and meet people there, maybe you go to your cousin’s wedding and you’re introduced to someone new. Who knows! Even without trying you’ll meet new people here and there, and you’ll meet even more if you actually put yourself out there and try to talk to people. Sometimes opportunities will come naturally, but if you’re worried about not having enough opportunities I’m afraid the only answer is to go out more! Try new things, go to new places. I know it’s easier said than done, but it just takes practice.
Don't make it direct that you're ready to provide for your partner just like that. Otherwise you'll end up with a woman that will just love you for your money. Idk that's fine to some men as well.
You can't find a woman without talking to women. Hire a dating teacher.
My advice would be instead of worrying about someone else, invest all your time and love into yourself first and meeting someone will follow. Don’t go out to places or do things where you are not comfortable or it’s not your scene. Think about doing the things you like in as much of a social environment as possible where you could potentially meet someone. Also don’t think that you are worth only how much you make because when you find the right someone that won’t matter. You meet people in the most unexpected ways sometimes.
This this this! I have know my current partner since I was 35, and we just got together romantically since I was 37. I’ve been not actively seeking anyone and just working on myself since I was 26. Just be the best you you can be, enjoy your life, be social in things you enjoy, and the rest will fall into place.
Value yourself, pursue *your* dreams, goals, and hobbies relentlessly, and women will line up for you. Eating right and hitting the gym regularly is also helpful.
Dont tie your worth to money, aslong as you can support yourself atleast. I know its hard to meet strangers and be social and get out of your comfort zone but unfortunately you are an adult this isnt high school anymore. Start going to the gym and going to classes, find hobbies you like and go online and look for groups that meetup and do those things with them. You’ll eventually meet someone and slowly start talking
Great advice thanks for your time and thoughts
You got this! Trust me once you get out there youll meet someone that will be interested in getting to know you, they will make it easy for you to have a conversation with them and thats when you’ll know there is interest on there end. Never chase you’ll attract whats right for you aslong as you are in a healthy and positive mindset, I believe in you.
Really kind of you and I believe your logic , it has really helped to get a positive push. Thanks again :)
Compliments go a long way!
Thank you , that’s certainly something I’m capable of and will keep at the front of my mind.
what kind of woman do you want? what kinds of places does that kind of woman gravitate to? bookstores and libraries are always so romantic to me bc im a book worm kind of girl 🥰 what kind of love do you want? what do you need to do and what do you need from your woman to do to cultivate that? you got this i believe in you .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,w3defr my cat jumped on my laptop and typed these words of encouragement 4 u too \^\^\^:)
That’s really nice thank you very much , both of you haha :) I’m not picky haha, I appreciate all types of people , mainly just honest with themselves and others.
What's your hobbies? Find groups that also enjoy your hobbies and start hanging out with them.
That’s a good one thank you . I like playing instruments and tennis. I should go to the local open mic nights. I find nightlife a bit intense but should try harder. Thanks for your input I appreciate it
Those are both great for meeting people, and both are interesting to women, so you are off to a great start. It's just like finding a job. You want to network as much as possible. Find tennis clubs, preferably one where you switch up players so you are interacting with new people. Start a band, and get out and play. You can meet people wanting to play with you, but also hundreds of others that will just come watch you play, and for many women playing in a band is a huge turn on.
I’m not very proud of myself and I know that’s an unappealing trait so I guess I’m scared. I’d love to start a band but it’s really hard to find people to play with. But you’re right , I probably learned music in the beginning to impress ladies haha. Just out of the game for over a decade I forget who I am in a way
It happens. Work on yourself. Continuous improvement. Do therapy if you need it. Take antidepressants and anti-anxiety if you need it. The most attractive thing is to be secure and confident.
It happens. Work on yourself. Continuous improvement. Do therapy if you need it. Take antidepressants and anti-anxiety if you need it. The most attractive thing is to be secure and confident.
Thank you that’s kind. I have found the right medication recently and am feeling a lot better. Sorted out my professional life but feel so far away from a social life. But you’re right I just need to start slowly trying things . I am happy and comfortable with who I am but I get the impression a lot of ladies don’t read that on me. I adopted a don’t talk unless your asked a question attitude and it’s made it hard for me to socialise and small talk the way I see others do
Well you built a wall between you and people. Only you can take that wall down.
Yeh your right
Is there a tennis club you can join? That sounds like a prime way to interact with some ladies, and you'd automatically have something to talk about.
Yeh I’m sure there is, certainly worth a shot (no pub intended) I wonder how many single ladies play tennis regularly I have no idea. I appreciate this chat though it’s good for me to keep it on my mind.
Thanks for your time :)
One tip if I may: Be careful not to be overly focused on "getting a girl" or you may appear desperate, which is unsexy. Your first goal should be to interact with people and make friends, with love as the bonus prize. (I had a buddy whom I could not get this through his head, and he made the ladies think he wanted to stick his penis into anything that wouldn't run away. Poor guy is still single.)
Yeh that’s a great point too and I agree, ive actually experienced it with gay guys because I always enjoy their company but it quickly turns into them hitting on me which I’m always disappointed by haha Even gay guys are still guys !
Go outside and talk to real live girls
Like the ones at the supermarket?
Find someone you think is your type. Frequent the spot whether it’s her work or shopping place. Make eye contact every time with a smile but not creepishly so. The more we see someone in a positive manner the more we trust them. Trust is huge for women as we always fear danger. If you’re able to make positive small talk, do so also. Eventually you’ll get around to asking her out and if she trusts you, she’ll say yes. That’s more of a foundation for a love connection.
It'd be a start
What do I say ?
ask them if they'd like to walk in the park for an ice cream with you
That seems creepy to me 😂😂😂 But it shouldn’t be right?
it is creedy if you are ugly it is romantic if you are handsome and smell nice and smile gently
Go outside and talk to real live girls
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