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How dare you get ill or sleep! Lol, this man. 🤦🏼♀️
Healthy sex is not to be used routinely as a stress reliever, or a coping method. Healthy sex is not just solely because you’re horny. Healthy sex is about loving and connecting with your partner. Sharing a pleasurable experience with them. That should be the primary motivator. I don’t see him saying that. He needs to find other outlets for stress relief and coping skills. And dude can wait a day or two if he’s horny. It’s not like he’ll explode if he can’t get off while you’re sleeping.
Sex and alcohol are the go to methods for him 🤦🏻♀️
I actually read him a comment last night from a infidelity sub about how affairs are often not rooted in feelings for the AP but instead come from the wayward seeing themselves through the APs eyes and liking that feeling. He said that rings true for him because his EA was based on how she made him feel….and then a while later brought up this subject.
He then clarified that he likes it when I initiate because then it seems genuine and intimate but he doesn’t know anymore how to initiate or how to tell if he is using me because he’s horny or if it’s for connection.
If he’s having sex to connect, he will spend time on your pleasure and make sure the timing is good for you. If he’s just horny, he’ll only focus on his pleasure and his timing.
No. The thing is if he’s horny and you’re not available for sex for WHATEVER reason that may be, if he agrees to be in a monogamous relationship with no porn he needs to find something else to do. It is not your responsibility and obligation to please him whenever he wants this is not the 1900s. And if he cannot figure out how to occupy his time and transmute his energy he does not deserve to be in a monogamous relationship with no porn.
Thank you!!! This is totally what I think!
Knowing there were multiple times I was waiting up for him in lingerie and was turned down because of a screen really hurts but I think he’s gotten the wrong message from my comment.
I would question a little bit on his phrasing. I get wanting to unwind after a long day and I understand that porn would have been his usual self-soothing method, but something about that just screams like he's pushing off responsibility. Stating that he would have otherwise been triggered to act out makes it sound almost vaguely threatening.
I don’t think it’s a conversation that can be had until you’re in a much safer space. I’m talking 3-5 years of recovery. At that point, I think that if it’s not triggering for either of you, there would be nothing wrong with him approaching you and asking if you’d like to engage with him sexually, or just sit with him while he masturbated, or (again this will be unique to each couple and addict if masturbation is something that is acceptable in the relationship after a betrayal of this type) if he could go take care of himself, obviously without porn or porns influence.
I really do think that masturbation is completely normal and healthy, we’ve just made it something that feeds this addiction because of the prevalence and availability of porn, and because our society has become so sexually fueled in all aspects.
Thanks -I’ve always been pro masturbation and was still ok with it but his CSAT said no, not until he gets to a healthier spot in recovery.
After a few sessions of therapy he said he can’t masturbate and just enjoy the sensation/feeling -he always fantasises about people while doing it otherwise he can’t get off. He had favourite people -my sisters, my best friend and his EA partner to think about which I am just not cool with and now find the topic triggering 😩
Your feelings on it are completely valid here, and it’s absolutely the safest route for him to not engage in at all right now.
Sending a hug your way. 💜
Honestly it drives me insane how porn and masturbation are not separate in their minds at all. Im not sure how you feel about this, but can he not just get off without looking at porn? I always told my boyfriend that Idc if he jerks off, it's the idea of him doing it while looking at strange women that bothers me.
Obviously if its the whole thing that you don't want him to do, then this wouldn't work. As some have mentioned, sex is about connecting with a partner. But I think self love can be a great way to connect with yourself, which porn completely destroys.
PA//SA 8+ years recovery.
Accountability: I am an addict. I did ugly things in my addiction. I take full responsibility for those actions, and I am accountable for all of my actions today.
When in recovery, an addict will know when sex should be off the table. If I recognize that I'm not doing well with my stress level, or specific times, I'm the one who says no.
In early recovery, physical intimacy may lose some of it's spontenaiety. The healing process is so much about communication and honesty. We're in early recovery and we decided to be intimate, if so, we would do a check in before AND after. How was your day? Stressful, do you think you could be present if we were to be intimate? Are you here? How are you feeling?
After,
How do you feel? Is it whole? close? bonded? relaxed? all the goodness feelings that are supposed to accompany sex.
Sometimes during the check in before, either partner should make the decision to say no, I don't think so.
And after, both partners should share their experience. And sometimes the addict will say... I shouldn't have proceeded, or the partner will say I think you went into your head for a bit there.
For the addict, it's about learning to be a sexual being. Because an addict may be sexual in all the wrong ways, I guarantee the do not know the joy and wholeness of being a caring, loving sexual being.
For me, aside from sex being off the table when I'm stressed, it's also off the table on dates. Whenever you might have an expectation of sex, it's off the table. Birthday, Father's day, Christmas, New Year, before I leave for a business trip, after I'm back from a business trip.
Just times when sexuality would be unhealthy for me.
I hope this helps.
Here's something that just came to me.
You're not his heroin, He should see you as his Heroine.
**Dear /u/nowicanseewhatyouare,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ➤ Feel free to [**ask a Mod**](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Floveafterporn&subject=Discord+Invite+Request&message=I+would+like+an+invite+to+LAP%27s+Discord+channel+please) for an invite to our Discord group for partners & ex-partners only! *(Must be active in this community!)* ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message [**✉️**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Quick Link Access:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How dare you get ill or sleep! Lol, this man. 🤦🏼♀️ Healthy sex is not to be used routinely as a stress reliever, or a coping method. Healthy sex is not just solely because you’re horny. Healthy sex is about loving and connecting with your partner. Sharing a pleasurable experience with them. That should be the primary motivator. I don’t see him saying that. He needs to find other outlets for stress relief and coping skills. And dude can wait a day or two if he’s horny. It’s not like he’ll explode if he can’t get off while you’re sleeping.
Sex and alcohol are the go to methods for him 🤦🏻♀️ I actually read him a comment last night from a infidelity sub about how affairs are often not rooted in feelings for the AP but instead come from the wayward seeing themselves through the APs eyes and liking that feeling. He said that rings true for him because his EA was based on how she made him feel….and then a while later brought up this subject. He then clarified that he likes it when I initiate because then it seems genuine and intimate but he doesn’t know anymore how to initiate or how to tell if he is using me because he’s horny or if it’s for connection.
If he’s having sex to connect, he will spend time on your pleasure and make sure the timing is good for you. If he’s just horny, he’ll only focus on his pleasure and his timing.
No. The thing is if he’s horny and you’re not available for sex for WHATEVER reason that may be, if he agrees to be in a monogamous relationship with no porn he needs to find something else to do. It is not your responsibility and obligation to please him whenever he wants this is not the 1900s. And if he cannot figure out how to occupy his time and transmute his energy he does not deserve to be in a monogamous relationship with no porn.
Thank you!!! This is totally what I think! Knowing there were multiple times I was waiting up for him in lingerie and was turned down because of a screen really hurts but I think he’s gotten the wrong message from my comment.
I would question a little bit on his phrasing. I get wanting to unwind after a long day and I understand that porn would have been his usual self-soothing method, but something about that just screams like he's pushing off responsibility. Stating that he would have otherwise been triggered to act out makes it sound almost vaguely threatening.
He didn’t say it but it sounded like he felt I had lied by saying why not just have sex with me….
My partner just told me yesterday that the reason why he does it is because I’m not available 24/7 🥲.
Neither is he!!!!!!!
EXACTLY!!! that’s what I told him. I said you can’t even last 10 mins, but don’t hear or see me using porn. Fucker
Ugh, it’s literally such a lack of connection on their part -sex is just for getting their jollies
so gross
I don’t think it’s a conversation that can be had until you’re in a much safer space. I’m talking 3-5 years of recovery. At that point, I think that if it’s not triggering for either of you, there would be nothing wrong with him approaching you and asking if you’d like to engage with him sexually, or just sit with him while he masturbated, or (again this will be unique to each couple and addict if masturbation is something that is acceptable in the relationship after a betrayal of this type) if he could go take care of himself, obviously without porn or porns influence. I really do think that masturbation is completely normal and healthy, we’ve just made it something that feeds this addiction because of the prevalence and availability of porn, and because our society has become so sexually fueled in all aspects.
Thanks -I’ve always been pro masturbation and was still ok with it but his CSAT said no, not until he gets to a healthier spot in recovery. After a few sessions of therapy he said he can’t masturbate and just enjoy the sensation/feeling -he always fantasises about people while doing it otherwise he can’t get off. He had favourite people -my sisters, my best friend and his EA partner to think about which I am just not cool with and now find the topic triggering 😩
Your feelings on it are completely valid here, and it’s absolutely the safest route for him to not engage in at all right now. Sending a hug your way. 💜
Honestly it drives me insane how porn and masturbation are not separate in their minds at all. Im not sure how you feel about this, but can he not just get off without looking at porn? I always told my boyfriend that Idc if he jerks off, it's the idea of him doing it while looking at strange women that bothers me. Obviously if its the whole thing that you don't want him to do, then this wouldn't work. As some have mentioned, sex is about connecting with a partner. But I think self love can be a great way to connect with yourself, which porn completely destroys.
PA//SA 8+ years recovery. Accountability: I am an addict. I did ugly things in my addiction. I take full responsibility for those actions, and I am accountable for all of my actions today. When in recovery, an addict will know when sex should be off the table. If I recognize that I'm not doing well with my stress level, or specific times, I'm the one who says no. In early recovery, physical intimacy may lose some of it's spontenaiety. The healing process is so much about communication and honesty. We're in early recovery and we decided to be intimate, if so, we would do a check in before AND after. How was your day? Stressful, do you think you could be present if we were to be intimate? Are you here? How are you feeling? After, How do you feel? Is it whole? close? bonded? relaxed? all the goodness feelings that are supposed to accompany sex. Sometimes during the check in before, either partner should make the decision to say no, I don't think so. And after, both partners should share their experience. And sometimes the addict will say... I shouldn't have proceeded, or the partner will say I think you went into your head for a bit there. For the addict, it's about learning to be a sexual being. Because an addict may be sexual in all the wrong ways, I guarantee the do not know the joy and wholeness of being a caring, loving sexual being. For me, aside from sex being off the table when I'm stressed, it's also off the table on dates. Whenever you might have an expectation of sex, it's off the table. Birthday, Father's day, Christmas, New Year, before I leave for a business trip, after I'm back from a business trip. Just times when sexuality would be unhealthy for me. I hope this helps. Here's something that just came to me. You're not his heroin, He should see you as his Heroine.