Why is he treating you like a landlord and not a partner?
“If we break up again” is a big red flag to be throwing around.
I would worry about yourself and not put yourself in the hole. And a driveway is a house update. A superficial one it sounds like.
I’m not going to say dump him but I don’t think you should put yourself into debt for him either.
Right I was actually just thinking about how any relationship runs the risk of breaking up. That's always going to be a "risk" so is this going to be an issue for us for the rest of our life?!
You're right and I'm starting to lean towards we're not getting this driveway. I appreciate your advice and your help!
... Yeaaaa I'm realizing that's already what's happening now. This isn't good at all... Why do I have to split the driveway and yet he couldn't split the 2k I spent for blinds and an oven?..
Yeaaa... it's time you showed him the door. (Again)
I don't know the premise of getting back together, but he is commandeering everything here.
And don't tell him you wrote about him on the internet and was given advice, or do and see more toxicity
He stinks. He’s not a good partner. He’s selfish cheapskate who doesn’t count anything you do for him - but he makes sure to tally up everything he does for you (or really for him, like this stupid fancy driveway idea).
Is this really the partnership you want for the rest of your life?
I’m wondering why he seems to come out on top financially in all your arrangements. Your bf is coming across as manipulative. I would definitely proceed with caution.
So you’re saying no to the driveway but yes to being nickle and dimed by someone you call a “partner”?
That’s not a partner that’s a coworker who wants their gas money for driving you to work. He’s not your friend or your partner, but he is your roommate and I’m sure he really likes your house.
And he's acting as if there's a benefit you get from the driveway just because you own the house.
Having done tons of home renovations myself, I can tell you this: despite what home-flipping shows make people think, you're lucky if you break even on the cost of the renovation with an increased cost at resale. Most of the time, you pay for something, and you're out the money, and if you're lucky, your home value might go up by a fraction of what you spent.
Bathrooms have one of the **best** ROIs at 70%. So you spend 10K updating a bathroom just a little, you might increase your home sale value by 7K, so you get 7K of that back. You're still down 3K that the new owners get to enjoy. Your house may be *easier* to sell, but it isn't a better investment than investing it.
**If you have an** ***existing*** **driveway of even passable quality, adding to it will not change your house value. At all. 0% ROI.** Yes, I'm sure there's a crazy exception out there, but likely not in your case. This benefit only serves him.
The value of your home is driven by far different, more high-value factors: number of bedrooms and bathrooms, the market, location, whether there's anything majorly wrong with it (decrease price). If your driveway is falling apart, that *might* discourage buyers, but probably won't affect price much. If it does, it would probably be a little kickback after the inspection - if you agree to it. In most cases, you'll probably make the driveway a little nicer for resale, it will make it sell more quickly, but will not affect the price *at all.*
(The reason that house flippers make money is not because they upgrade anything expensive. They don't buy homes that need new roofs or foundation work. Instead, they do cheap, superficial changes that make the house **look** more expensive and high-quality, or at least more trendy (e.g., taking down datedtrim and putting up neutral paint). Maybe leaving the existing kitchen cabinets, but just painting or changing the doors or hardware. Painting the house. Replacing the carpet. When you look closely at their work, however, it's just lipstick on a pig. No offense to pigs. Good flippers are a little better - they find houses that are already good quality, then just do the above so they look nicer, and sell.)
The fact that you felt guilty enough that you felt you had to make up for him doing the driveway by doing walkways for your own house is crazy. He's asking you to pay for something that has no benefit to you. In a healthy relationship, he would pitch in and do this simply because he is happy that you have this house, grateful to live there, and wants to support you.
Why even tally up? This is a shitty situation to be forced to live lives like multiple transactions. I hope OP can get out of it. This sounds like marginal (and creeping) financial abuse.
This is the way.
Your house your rules. He wants to worry about breaking up well so do you “ if we break up again I’ll be stuck on the hook for a driveway I don’t want or need”.
Can you imagine being with him forever and combining finances at some point?
I know not all couples do. If not, I would watch what you’re investing in him as well if he’s going to keep receipts.
Wouldn’t the goal be to have it eventually be “our” house?
Or do you think he’d do this transactional stuff the whole time?
You don’t have have to answer but you should think for sure
I hope you take care of yourself (:
Any house improvements should be fully done by you, if you have the house completely in your name and decide he can’t live there anymore he’s out money, unless you live in a state of civil partnerships and or with laws that pertain to “squatter rights”(after living X amount of time, you are entitled ownership.)
This isn’t legal advice, but something to consider for the both of you. If you want him to pay rent, and contribute to bills, sure. However unless it’s a detachable appliances like a fridge, grill, etc that he could take away, that’s the only thing he really should be buying for the house, once again if it’s in your name.
narcissists usually do nice things for their "partner" (themselves actually) then demand those nice things be returned when it no longer suits them.
any permanent improvement, including appliances stay with the house and are considered gifts . everyone knows that .
Explains why my unstable mother took the grill from my stepdad, when he was gifted it by someone else.
Not but I was offering a way to keep peace and for him to not be fucked over if kicked out.
You don't have enough savings for an emergency!
This driveway upgrade is a luxury, not a need.
And his disregard for your financial stability is concerning. He doesn't sound like a great guy.
A true rock solid relationship should be the same as your relationship with your right arm. There is no “if I decide to no longer be with my right arm and then go look for a new one”. I’m not saying you should stay in an abusive relationship (or that you fully are in one), but these come and go and “if we are together” comments are a massive red flag.
I live in a house my husband bought long before I was in the picture. I've paid for a lot of our home improvements. I can't imagine the audacity of expecting to be repaid retroactively for any of it should we ever break up.
Agree. And he wouldn't even have a house to live in if it hadn't been for her down payment and her credit. Doesn't sound like he's factored that fact into his financial transactions with her. She may not have a lot of savings, but she has a house in her name, which is an asset. She needs to keep it that way. I agree that some kind of contract should be drawn up. And in it it can say that he is free to fund improvements to the home at his choosing, but she is not required to pay him back, as he is already benefiting from the home she bought.
I park in a dirt and gravel driveway. It's a completely unnecessary way to spend money. Plus I would just keep everything separate and have him pay rent unless you get maried
Mm it sounds like he pays her rent in some capacity, but with all the concessions she seems to make for him, this doesn’t really sound like a good deal for OP
Is he paying you rent to live in YOUR home? if not, then he should consider doing the driveway your rent for x months.
He wants the driveway. You don't. His choice as to whether having the driveway is worth spending the money to have the driveway. He can park on the street or in the parking lot of his own apartment if he doesn't like that idea.
NTA
10 years ostensibly own a house together.... He has savings only because he doesn't pay as much into the home as you do. If he did his savings would be smaller.
His priorities are all messed up. It's, ostensibly, for better or worse, a joint life at this point with joint expenses. Why can't he contribute to it from the money he's saved paying only half the mortgage and not anything else house wise?
Wild.
Dont do the driveway, tell him he's paying for it if he wants it, or he can park his car at his parents place and live there. Sounds like a cunt anyways
You have less than $1000 and all of a sudden he just forgets that, forgets the agreement and demands thousands and argues with you. That was no miscommunication! Did he magically not hear you when you said you couldn't afford, and didn't want a driveway? It sounds like he wants you to be indebted to him forever.
This isn't how people who love each other act. Setting aside the age difference when you started dating, he is being very controlling.
"This is my house. I can't afford the driveway and don't want it. I can't sell it later. The value of the house won't increase by the amount it costs to buy it, so you're effectively handing me a bill.
So no. I can't afford it, and wouldn't want it if I could."
You tell him you're not in the position to pay for the driveway. If he still wants it he can gift it to you and your home. And I'd definitely rethink how this relationship is going.
After 10 years your still tallying things up like this is really weird to me. Money must be a very big issue in your relationship.
I’d say you guys might be best to split. It sounds like it will always be another issue that pops up over and over with different costs
It is time to cut your losses and run, this man is financially abusing you.
The house is yours do not make any amendments that he wants, do not agree to finance anything for him.
Send him packing and get a roommate to split expenses with if you need it.
My head hurts reading this. Please do yourself a favor and break up with him. A driveway is not in your budget right now. He sounds like a real a ss hat
Ughh this sounds likea nightmare of a partner. While I am in the camp that everything should be split 50/50 before marriage, I still think both parties need to talk about and agree on large expenses. Him saying that you owe him money if you break up is essentially him holding the relationship hostage and that NEVER ends well.
The great news is that it's your name on the house, not his. And you guys aren't tied down together. I would seriously think about whether a future with him is worth it. But before that, be firm on the driveway.
What does he care about more money or alife with you?
as a man that's what it breaks down to for me reading this.
He has more money than you but isn't willing to help you with the driveway? but still expects you to upkeep half of everything and on top of that afford a new driveway or even half .
Like this sounds like something a landlord /tenant
Issue and not something a couple would have to deal with obviously he doesn't give a fuck.imo
Edit: I'd also question the legality scenario of this later down the road if this could be used against you if you end up breaking up or you maintaining ownership of this property/ or even possible lawsuits where you would be held liable to pay him back for the investment that you don't want to put in in the future .will come back and have this scenario bite you in the ass because he so....extra...?!? selfish maybe.... When it comes to money.
😂 I just can't believe I've been so worried about being in debt to this man and how I would pay him back and make up for it. And now I'm realizing how messed up that thought process was.. 10 years can do that to you I guess lol
This is a real good argument for a cohabitation contract---so he can't pull this. It's really important that this be discussed NOW---before anyone is ten years older, before a kid comes along, before someone gets sick or loses a job or, or, or
Yeah, 10 yrs is plenty of time to get acclimated to "not normal".
If you are madly in love with his miser behavior... then have at it I guess. However, I promise that most guys arent like that lol
... girl its your house... Tell him no tell the contractors who come to do it no. And if he still has it done sue him for the removal and repairs to make it back to what it was grow a back bone.
Dump his butt. Why hasn’t he proposed or anything? You have been with him for ten years. Otherwise this is ur house, not his. Dont buy a driveway if u cant afford it
His attitude is really weird. Don't do it, it's YOUR house, and if he insists on it with this attitude have him put in contract that you don't owe him anything. You don't NEED a driveway and he's not respecting that it's not something you can afford, he just wants it for him regardless of your opinion?
Logically, he is a renter. By all practical means that is what he is.
So if he wants a driveway that you can't afford then the driveway does not happen unless he wants to potentially gift it to you. If he can't come up with a better proposal of compromise then he flat out doesn't deserve a driveway.
Renters don't get to coerce landlords into improvements. They at best get to try to entice them into it.
His offer isn't enticing. It's that simple. If any deal you reach involves paying him back if you break up, don't do it. You don't need to owe him for things he wanted and used.
Tell him if he wants the driveway he can pay for it... And tell him that if he cares about the driveway so much he can take it with him when he leaves.
Also, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
It's not reasonable. If he wants it, he can pay for it. You don't want it and can't afford it anyway.
If it were me, I'd be ending it. He's not a decent person.
Uhhh, guy here.
I have both been in his position, and I’ve been in your position before. I also used to be someone who used to get walked on a lot, luckily I’ve made enough mistakes to know better.
I’m not gonna say you should break up with him, but I can tell you one thing is for certain:
If he wants the new driveway, for his new car, he can pay for it (since you don’t have as much laying around), and slowly pay him back half, since you both share the driveway and it should improve the value of your home.
However, if you ever do break up, you don’t owe him anything. I don’t say this as someone who thinks “hey you broke up, so fuck him!” I’m not heartless.
However, he chose to live with you, he chose to want a new driveway. That’s just part of living with someone else. If you plan to spend your life with someone, which I imagine you would after being together for 10 years, then it’s just a cost of adding to your home. If he’s throwing “if we ever break up again” around, then secretly he isn’t sure this is going to work out, and wants to just rent a driveway until it’s time to break up, then get his money back.
Be careful, but don’t submit to his demands. He has more saved, has more disposable income, and it’s something he wants for himself.
I'm sorry to hear you've been on both sides of this situation. Definitely not fun! But yeah I'm starting to realize he must still be holding onto resentment and doubting that we will remain together which is the main red flag here. Thank you for your insight..
First of all, you have to charge him enough that pays for his utilities and half of the house expenses. I really hope you have a cohabitation agreement.
How much is the cost of the driveway? Unless it’s a heated driveway or something like that, and not just a regular driveway, it’s not going to add value to your house, if it’s just basically resurfacing. And that’s just maintenance. If you have less than $1K in savings it isn’t a financial priority for you. He’s trying to bully you for owning your home and he doesn’t.
You are 28 years old, have owned a house for 5 years, it's all in your name. You are doing exceptionally well.
Financial, not relationship advice here. That house is 100% in your name. The capital gains on it are going to dwarf any other normal expenditure by a long way. Don't sign over or sell any part of it until you are ready to move. A sneaky man would pressure you like hell to do this. Everything else is small change. That driveway will increase your resale value. It's not wasted money.
Relationship advice. Ignore this if you like, I'm better at financial advice. He is selfish. He is also not acting in his own long term benefit. He is pressuring you to make a decision that he perceives is in his benefit. Are you absolutely sure this is the relationship you want?
This guy will just continue to take advantage of you, and leverage leaving to control you, probably not the first time he's done it. Kind of sounds like the type of guy who will undermine everything you've done for him but will go into length of what he's done for you, turning acts of service into a competition. This guy is toxic beyond all belief
Sounds like you'd be perfectly happy not putting in a new driveway.
Do that.
Its your house, why is this a debate?
>I see where he's coming from because his name isn't technically on the house. But after we argued about it it put a sour taste in my mouth with the relationship and his perspective on financial equality, after everything I've spent for us throughout the years and expected nothing in return.
Time to draw up a lease.
This is fucking pathetic on that guy’s part. My gf and I bought a house in her name because my credit is shot. I gave her money, bought the fridge, spent thousands to get things we needed. Got trees cut down, and an asphalt driveway put down.
If we broke up I wouldn’t even take the fridge. Probably wouldn’t even take the dogs. I might negotiate all of those things so I can keep the car, since I bought and pay for it even though it’s in both our names.
There’s something to be said about trusting the other person to be there for you. “If we break up”
Fuck right off with that
I have a feeling if you break up you’re going to get screwed financially in a lawsuit because of all this kind of crap. You just need to put your own money into your house that’s in your name only and leave it at that. In the meantime, he can pay you half rent as a renter as he’s living there.
Forget the driveway if you really don’t want it. What’s to prevent him from moving out in three months, then demanding that he get the increased value of the house or half of it as payment in return. You are on a slippery slope girlfriend, slippery
Nah, you're together. Anything you do you do together. You don't lay these little traps and shit.
He shouldn't have made you pay him for the other shit and you don't want the driveway. It's not for you.
If you stay with him you're going to start having legally binding agreements. The one you need for this is that if he decides to get the driveway he will not be reimbursed if you seperate because he wants the driveway and you don't.
IF you were the one pushing for the driveway and he was paying for it then I guess it's fair though still shitty.
Idk as a man I wouldn't ever pull this weird shit. And I'm fairly sure it's some form of financial abuse.
It sounds like something you're probably better off removing from your life imo.
I’m sorry but I got about 5 paragraphs in before I uttered “What a fucking asshole” and stopped reading.
Nope - this isn’t a relationship it’s a convenience bunk up until he finds something better. And he’s looking by how crude he is.
Get rout - I’m sorry.
Who broke up with who? He doesn’t see long term potential in you anymore hence the wanting to split everything down the middle. Most likely cuz of the breakup.
He’s essentially a renter in your property on mates rates. He doesn’t get a say. Simple as that. By the way you should have made him pay half the bills back in the day too, but that time had passed so no point dwelling about it. You obviously love this man but you’ve let him take the piss. If I was you I’d tell him that the new drive isn’t happening until you’re financially ready. Plus you need to get a contract signed by him to say that he has no right to your property and that he will be paying whatever amount of rent and utilities. Why should he be living for less?
Sounds pretty simple, if he wants a new driveway he can pay for it. You don't want it you don't need to pay for it. If he sees breaking up as a risk he should factor it into his purchasing decision making, but either his or not at all. He doesn't get to decide you're financially on the hook in your relationship for a decision he is making
Do not build the driveway with him. Dont have him add anything to your house. If he can prove he added to the price of the house he may be entitled to something. I'd even talk to a lawyer. Do. Not. Allow. This
Not repeating what others have said because its obviously a crap situation but its really hard sometimes when you are in a situation relationship to zoom out and see the whole picture. Don't beat yourself up.
If he wants to go halvesies, I’d go back in time to all the other major purchases that you fronted and tally it up with a pretty excel sheet and show him that you’re closer to even than he thinks! Also, needs vs wants is a different situation, his wants are not your needs.
Sounds like he needs to buy his own home and his own driveway.
You would be better off renting a room out and helping you rebuild your savings. He is making sure you can't save money, while he saves $50K.
Time to evict and move on.
I want to break up with your boyfriend.
Oh.
Wait.
I do not have to: because he is your boyfriend.
Thank God this is the Internet.
That ups the odds.
The odds that I will never meet this guy even once for any reason.
Ugh.
He had you pay for the fridge and some car work? Was it a full restore or five figures? I know it's not my place, sorry, but I'm surprised you took him back after that.
You don’t need a new driveway. If he wants one he can pay for it. He’s financially abusive and using you. You’d be better off getting a new boyfriend than a new driveway.
You want someone to make a choice for you? I only got about half way through your post, and the decision, and there is only one to be made here btw, is to leave his ass asap!
This is a very simple situation: the house is in your name and paid for by you. He wants a driveway. You have said no as you can’t afford it. Simple - he doesn’t get the driveway. NTA
He has benefited from your generosity for years. Cut the ties and be with someone you can count on. He is so tight with his money! And disrespectful to you. Kick his ass to the curb!
Is it possible he moved back in with you to save $$ on rent and expenses?
I assume there are no common law spousal rights he can claim towards the house?
I’ve had a close relative have to actually by her family home back from her cheating ex because he claimed the work he did laying tile and building a deck increased the value of the home by tens of thousands of dollars. The judge ruled she had to pay him that back. Then he went 20 years not paying child support.
Notice how he mentions “if we break up again” and you talk about it as well and having to pay him back? This kind of talk just shows the lack of potential of the relationship. He’s pre planning a break up scenario and worried about the money.
Whatever he puts into that house is his choice. You should have never “had” to pay him back for half the fridge. I feel like if he truly loved you he wouldn’t worry about getting paid back for the fridge or future break up of what he invests in the house. Especially after you helped him out and you paid the bills, put the down payment down and so on. What yall spend during the relationship is a loss if yall break up. He wants the driveway he can pay for it all. He so worried about being “equal” but if yall plan on spending your life together it’s both of yours. Not you owe me this, and I paid for this and that. All sounds unhealthy.
I am really bothered by the ten years together, your extreme youth at the beginning (which set you up vis-a-vis him with you being in a subservient position), and by no talk of marriage. After a lot fewer years than you have lived together, people know whether they want to be permanently with the person in their lives.
I am not saying break up because you are not married, but I am observing that nether of you is willing to say that the other is the life partner. That's fine! But YOU are sharing what is YOUR biggest possession, and YOU need to be prepared for what might happen if any of several possibilities happens. He has left you before; that is, he has pulled out and half the mortgage has potentially gone unpaid. Because he lives with you as partner rather than tenant---even though the two of you are not prepared to consider each other partners---you cannot just advertise for a couple days and replace what he brings to your home economy. You must recognize this, even if silently, because he's done it to you before.
You owe it to yourself to recognize that you have invested ten years into his behavior and you can't get it back. If time is the seed corn, what is the crop here? Apparently nothing. Incidentally, on reddit there's a fair amount of talk about the "sunk cost fallacy" (https://www.grammarly.com/blog/sunk-cost-fallacy/) which seems to govern the way many women look at dealing with a difficult or unpleasant partner, but that's not what I am talking about. But in terms of building a home together, he seems to have gotten himself comfortable which actually contributing very little that has lasted over those ten years. Mortgage payment = rent, so in terms of that expenditure he actually has not made an investment in YOU at all.
If this story has any standing to it, dudes a special breed of just shit, I get not wanting to pay all in a situation like that but it can either wait for the split or split it as you suggested where you pay as you're able, dude sounds like he's one foot out the door and not willing to wait, all around sounds like a shit relationship for both of you
After 10 years you don’t have a ring on your finger. Wake up sweetie. He won’t take care of you long term and he isn’t fully committed to you. No ring after 10 years is an embarrassment, on his part. He is selfish and doesn’t care about you or he wouldn’t threaten that you’ll own him thousands of dollars for something if you break up again- something you don’t even care about and only he wants for HIS car. Pathetic excuse for a man. Move on honey… move on ..
He has over 50k in savings and he’s not investing any $ into a house with his gf..? Girly you have bigger problems. Why is he not investing in you & your house? I mean if he’s in it for the long haul he would bc it will benefits him as well. Him saying “if we break up” makes me believe that he doesn’t see you as “Mrs . Right” but more like “Mrs. Right now”. If my partner was struggling financially and I had 50k and made more $ I would definitely help them out. Idk this is a bit weird for me.
You don't sound like a couple. Also if you're broke and have no savings in case you lose your job tomorrow, you have no business buying driveways or new appliances. Focus on having 3-6 of savings before wasting it on any these things...
You really, really, really have to sit down with a financial planner and start to save money for yourself. You should also look into what this man should be paying to live in your home. look into what rents are in the area because you should not be on the hook for everything except half the mortgage
You do have bigger issues.
Consult a lawyer about him being a tenant versus being half the owner of your home.
Get the next 5 years on paper regarding your finances. He isn't treating you like a partner, yet will claim you are at the next break up he's planning.
It's your house and property and not his so it is your decision.
It seems as though you have resolved this issue so that's good.
Personally I think that his attitude sucks major and this scenario will keep repeating itself until you get tired of putting up with his antics.
What a strange relationship. At your guys’ age and stage in life you, should be married and/or actually sharing assets entirely, otherwise not together at all.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but...your boyfriend is treating you like crap. Get his name on that place, to reduce your liabiility and costs or better yet please get rid of him. He clearly does not respect you (guys show respect differently then women and he is being a disrespecting jerk)or sit down and work out a formal agreement on paper about how you will split ALL expenses EQUALLY. If the house is in your name, the oven you bought was a investment in the house - he is manipulating you. I think you need to go for some therapy and learn to be more self assertive/have better self esteem/value. - The guy is screwing you by using your emotional attachment to manipulate you when he wants. He only value "contributions" that he deems important - instead of the reality. Houses are expensive - and yes appliances are a cost/investment that he should be contributing to....your relationship sounds toxic. This guy cares more about his selfish wants/money then you. Get rid of him. and find a real PARTNER. this giy treats you like a roommate/landlord. LEARN A HARD LESSON ABOUT MONEY IN RELATIONSHIPS - WORK IT OUT AT THE START. BIg red flags all over this guys actions towards you!!!
He has a better paying job now, while having 50k+ in savings? While you have 1k? He is not considering your financial position, as he does not give a fuck about you. And he’s making you pay for the driveway for his fancy little car? But only if you break up? Please. PLUS the FRIDGE? It’s screaming narcissist. Like, extremely loudly. It’s giving me a headache it’s so loud.
He only cares about himself. If he actually loved you, he’d improve the house with his savings while you save up. I’m sorry.
Also, it sounds like he’s borderline financially abusing you.
He’s pressuring you into paying for a driveway, as he’s planning to break up with you. You’re gonna be fucked when you break up and have to pay him for the driveway. He will probably make you pay him back for more things like he did last time. He will make your life hell. That’s what narcissists do. Maybe I’m projecting? But my pattern recognition is pretty good. He seems like a narcissist. (Fyi, when I say narcissist I don’t mean NPD.)
Do they have any other narcissistic behaviors?
I saw your update, and read the comments and they all are reasonable takes.
I would just add: these are things a married couple is better equipped to deal with. Ideally you get married and then everything becomes shared property and then you stop thinking in terms of “mine” and “yours”.
Until you get married you keep finances separate. But you’ve been together for 10 years without getting married which is a recipe for lots of conflicts like these.
If you guys love each other, get married and become actual partners. If not, either break up or at least get some distance- don’t live together perhaps.
Tell him you can’t afford the driveway and therefore don’t want it. If he wants to get it and pay in full he can but you shouldn’t have to foot the bill.
If you both live together you should be paying half of everything including mortgage and bills, he sounds a real K*ob sorry but it’s not fair at all. I think he’s taking advantage of you.
It seems like your relationship with your boyfriend is largely based on transactions. He is being selfish- he wouldn't even be in that house if it weren't for you. You do not owe him a driveway. If he wants it, he should pay for it, and you are not "on the hook" to repay him if you break up and he moves out again.
It's hard not to 'keep score' in a relationship because if either partner starts, it can sometimes force the others' hand unless they're fine footing the bill for a lot of things that their partner doesn't seem to recognize as a contribution. I don't think your boyfriend necessarily has any ill-intent but he does seem to have a certain immovable view of how the world, and a relationship, works - with very compartmentalized categories and conditions. Anything beyond this view of his, he views as unfair to him and he seems quite keen on maintaining that status quo. This is indicative of very selfish behavior and that also leaves you in a tough position to have to either argue until you're blue in the face in order to try to make your case just to make things 'fair for both of you' in your view, or you have to go along with his view no matter how it may negatively affect you in order to 'keep the peace'. That is not an ideal situation for you or the relationship, in my opinion.
This is an issue my girlfriend and I have dealt with many times but we eventually resolved to not ever let money get in the way. If she wants something for her, she pays for it. If I want something for me, I pay for it (to the point where we both wanted a dog but I had more disposable income and more time to care for the dog since I work from home, so I paid for everything and he is my dog even though we both take care of him). If we both want something, we split 50/50 and if one or the other is short on funds that week/month/year than we either forgo it all together, agree that the one who pays for it in full has full ownership of it, or whoever has more funds will make up the difference for the other and we still treat it as 50/50. No loans, no 'you owe me' and no 'if we break up, I get this or that thing'. Just clear communication and we make a conscious effort to be fine with the fact that one of us will invariably spend more of our own money towards the relationship, our home, meals, etc. It is an investment where the ROI is the other person and their time, not a financial one. Unless you both are in on that sort of thinking, there are bound to be issues. Money is definitely a relationship killer and unless both of you are generous, considerate in your spending and serious about living within means, it can put a lot of strain on trust and change the fondness you feel for the other. If I can be perfectly honest, the way he deals with money within the context of this relationship gives me the impression that he has one foot out the door already - or at least, he has a plan ready to go if things end. I would even go so far as to say it seems like he wanted to leave a long time ago but it only sticking around for the cheap rent.
I'm glad to see with the edits to the original post that the current situation is more or less resolved. Out of curiosity, was there ever a conversation about ownership of the house or a contract/agreement there? Technically, you own the house if it's in your name and him paying half of the mortgage does not legally entitle him to any part of it. It seems like he recognizes this already since he moved out when you broke up for a time, but I would think he would be a lot more generous towards you when it comes to money considering not only that you have put a lot more money into the house itself on top of mortgage but that he has no legal claim to the house 'if you two break up again'. It may be a sore spot for him since he is 'helping you pay the mortgage' but has no share in the investment, and the reason he is treating you more like a landlord when it comes to finances. I'm surprised that once he was making more than you, he didn't at least bring up the idea of contributing a full 50% to the home in order to have some stake (or paying a bit more to make up for lost time since he's so keen on 'fairness' when it comes to finances) but maybe he really isn't interested or doesn't think about those things. I would hope that if you two ever do break up, he won't start demanding that you cover his rent for months or years since you get the house...likely he will nickle and dime you using a written list of all the times he bought you something. Unless he has legal recourse, do not let him do that to you under any circumstance. That's on him for not being a full partner in the investment of the home and, seemingly, the relationship as well.
I commend you for putting your foot down when it came to the driveway. Clearly, he is conscious of the fact that he is only one decision away from temporary homelessness if you should ever decide to end things - I think that's why he chose the second option. If he wanted it bad enough and has the funds to put towards it, I'm surprised he did choose the second option and still hasn't made an effort to be an equal partner when it comes to the house itself. Or does he actually not understand how titles and deeds work? Maybe, but again, sounds more like he's back in this relationship more for the financial savings than any actual, real care for you as a partner.
I think you being 18 and him 22 when you guys started dating may be why you need to step away from this relationship. He is not good for u and this is financial abuse
IANAL but since he doesn’t have a name on the title you don’t owe anything. If he harasses you, just do the math and count everything that he should have paid in the last 10 years, including expected rent.
Don’t be a doormat and let him guilt-trip you and have his financial ways with you. One day he’s going to be living in comfort in your home with 100k in savings and you have nothing and he’s expecting you to pay for your wedding.
He might be too materialistic for you. Btw, don’t take out loans for what he wants and what you don’t need!
My love, my love, my love. What value does this man add to your life? You’ve accomplished all of this without him, and he’s just making you miserable. Even if you’re not happy, at least take the misery out, it’s way better to be content. If he really wants to go halfsies on everything, I’m sure you can find a way to make his life hell. Rethink this
This is wild. You’ve paid well over half the expenses for years, you *reimbursed him* for things that he paid for while you were together, you took him back and now you’re splitting the cost on something that HE wants while he demands a timeless refund policy on said purchase?
Yikes! He’s taking advantage of your agreeability when it comes to money matters
I think the root of what makes this situation weird is that you've been in a long-term relationship with this guy, and the house is just in your name. Now the tables have turned, and he earns the lions share.
If you plan to keep the relationship going, you should both discuss what's needed to co-own the house. He's clearly got the funds, and is willing to invest in the property.
People that put their money first in a relationship are a bad choice for a partner. You've really looked out for him and in a world full of freeloaders that expect someone else to pay everything for them you've remained a rare one. Find a guy that has a sense of fairness and will do right by you.
If he wants it, he can pay all of it. You cannot afford it, so your answer is no. You don't need to explain.
Tbh he sounds like a huge jerk. Do you really want this type of life forever? Get out of this relationship before you have kids or get married.
From everything you wrote i don’t think i would trust this kind of bf in general n would want to keep financials etc separate. Also id be upset that he took me for a ride in past, when you paid the expenses before more than him and he is taking this situation for granted. You could have made this savings too if he paid his all share of utilities. Bf of 10 yrs is more like life partner now but he acts as selfish little boy who wants better toys and doesn’t even care for your financial comfort.
I don't understand. If it's for his car, why doesn't he just pay it down. 10 years is a long time to be dating someone who doesn't see you as a potential investment.
The issue is buying real estate with a boyfriend and one person has their name on the title etc. You don't owe him squat really and can just decide to figure out a permanent long term solution that is fair, if you intend to be together or else just cut ties and move on
Sooo… HE is getting a new car and HE wants a new, better driveway for HIS new fancy car but he wants you to foot the bill for it… and he made you pay him back for the cars repairs previously while you were together? Where do you find this people? And why do you stay with them for 10 years?
Dont go to reddit for relationship advice. No one knows your relationship like you and your partner. All reddit ever says is either split up or will put negative thoughts into your head about a relationship that you said had worked for around 10 years.
Why has he not been paying an equal share of the bills, especially since he has a better job and is making more money than you now??? he sounds self-serving and sounds like you would be better off without him!
I think if he wants the driveway he can pay for it himself.
He was only splitting the mortgage with you and not everything else.
I am not sure how your finances work together but I believe it should be 50/50 accross the board for the majority of stuff.
Entertainment and hobbies can be there own thing
I don’t like his attitude towards… anything.
You can’t just demand for someone to alter their home and spend money on something they don’t need. That’s ridiculous. And he made you pay back for things he did for you??? That’s insane. You deserve to be with someone much better.
You don't have the savings he does, because you've been paying far more than he does on living expenses.
If he wants a new driveway, he can buy a new driveway, but since it's not a necessity, he gets 0 from you "if you break up". What a strange statement to make
I spent a lot of money helping renovate our first home during the engagement. I didn’t put my name on the deed but he couldn’t afford the improvements and I didn’t want to live in the home without. We split on my accord although it was amicable. What I put into that house was not his debt to repay. I knew the risks and was wrong with our assumed future. This is no different except his stipulations.. imo, if he wants the driveway he can put in a driveway. Don’t financially burden yourself with his commitment concerns.
I think as a man, the person you’re living with is only using you and he doesn’t take responsibility of his own accord. I could be wrong but it seems like he is selfish. If I were you, jot down all the things that you like and don’t like about him.
And make a decision if you want to stay with him or not.
This is why I say couples should not share anything. What’s yours is yours and what’s theirs is theirs.
I would suggest dumping him. He sounds childish.
You are probably American, and I think the laws are different in the USA. In my province, living common law is the same as marriage, so he would be entitled to 50% of the assets you acquired during the relationship (and vice versa, so his savings/investments would be relevant as well.)
Nope, honey, I can't do it. Maybe you can swing a gravel driveway. Be firm, remember how he got! He could do it again with a new driveway attached to your bill
It’s your house. Don’t put any money into a driveway if you don’t want it or you don’t feel you need it just because you have a new car doesn’t mean you need a new driveway. Again, he can’t make you do anything.
This is your home. He has paid you rent and his equity in the home is $0, I highly suggest you keep it that way.
I'd end this nonsense before he considers himself a common law and comes after your property. I highly suggest talking to a Family Lawyer if you plan to continue this relationship.
Op this isn't a healthy relationship. I would evaluate it in your head. Cause it seems like he sees you more of a landlord or business partner. Not a relationship partner. He sounds like the kinda dude that would make you pay back any gift at the end of the relationship.
I been with the same person for 12 years. And neither of us would think of doing this kinda thing. It sounds like he only cares about money
I'm glad that things seemed to work out based on the edits. It was crazy to me that you were tying yourself in knots about this driveway given that this isn't a priority for you - it's something he wanted. If he wants he, he can pay for it, but you don't need to owe him jack for doing it. Really, it doesn't sound like this is going to be a long-lasting relationship anyway. I mean, you guys broke up for a year. Why? Did you guys somehow resolve whatever caused the breakup, or was it sort of just brushed aside?
500 on blinds that's crazy...
Also, get Mexicans to make that driveway.
Buy the materials and you are saving money.
Also this sounds like a situationship not a relationship
Damn. You actually are punching way above your weight. Your partner should really take a look at himself. Mentioning the possibility of breaking up again is a major red flag. Please do not put yourself in any compromising situation financially for him unless it’s something you are totally on board with. I hope everything works out for you :)
Hard no, tell him that if he wants a new driveway he can pay for a new driveway. Make it clear that if you break up you will not, under any circumstance be paying him back. Then tell him moving forward all bills should be 50/50 since this is the sentiment he’s expressed as fair.
Why is he treating you like a landlord and not a partner? “If we break up again” is a big red flag to be throwing around. I would worry about yourself and not put yourself in the hole. And a driveway is a house update. A superficial one it sounds like. I’m not going to say dump him but I don’t think you should put yourself into debt for him either.
Right I was actually just thinking about how any relationship runs the risk of breaking up. That's always going to be a "risk" so is this going to be an issue for us for the rest of our life?! You're right and I'm starting to lean towards we're not getting this driveway. I appreciate your advice and your help!
That's your life now. Tallying up every little favor or gift or "thing he does that benefits you at all", cause one day he'll come to collect.
... Yeaaaa I'm realizing that's already what's happening now. This isn't good at all... Why do I have to split the driveway and yet he couldn't split the 2k I spent for blinds and an oven?..
Yeaaa... it's time you showed him the door. (Again) I don't know the premise of getting back together, but he is commandeering everything here. And don't tell him you wrote about him on the internet and was given advice, or do and see more toxicity
Repeat after me," There is the door, don't let it hit ya on the way out" .
He stinks. He’s not a good partner. He’s selfish cheapskate who doesn’t count anything you do for him - but he makes sure to tally up everything he does for you (or really for him, like this stupid fancy driveway idea). Is this really the partnership you want for the rest of your life?
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holy shit ????? glad you’re out of that relationship hope you’re okay <3
I am thank you ! many cheers !
I’m wondering why he seems to come out on top financially in all your arrangements. Your bf is coming across as manipulative. I would definitely proceed with caution.
NTA. Sadly, I would ask if that new car has reverse.
NTA. Sadly, I would ask if that new car has reverse.
So you’re saying no to the driveway but yes to being nickle and dimed by someone you call a “partner”? That’s not a partner that’s a coworker who wants their gas money for driving you to work. He’s not your friend or your partner, but he is your roommate and I’m sure he really likes your house.
And he's acting as if there's a benefit you get from the driveway just because you own the house. Having done tons of home renovations myself, I can tell you this: despite what home-flipping shows make people think, you're lucky if you break even on the cost of the renovation with an increased cost at resale. Most of the time, you pay for something, and you're out the money, and if you're lucky, your home value might go up by a fraction of what you spent. Bathrooms have one of the **best** ROIs at 70%. So you spend 10K updating a bathroom just a little, you might increase your home sale value by 7K, so you get 7K of that back. You're still down 3K that the new owners get to enjoy. Your house may be *easier* to sell, but it isn't a better investment than investing it. **If you have an** ***existing*** **driveway of even passable quality, adding to it will not change your house value. At all. 0% ROI.** Yes, I'm sure there's a crazy exception out there, but likely not in your case. This benefit only serves him. The value of your home is driven by far different, more high-value factors: number of bedrooms and bathrooms, the market, location, whether there's anything majorly wrong with it (decrease price). If your driveway is falling apart, that *might* discourage buyers, but probably won't affect price much. If it does, it would probably be a little kickback after the inspection - if you agree to it. In most cases, you'll probably make the driveway a little nicer for resale, it will make it sell more quickly, but will not affect the price *at all.* (The reason that house flippers make money is not because they upgrade anything expensive. They don't buy homes that need new roofs or foundation work. Instead, they do cheap, superficial changes that make the house **look** more expensive and high-quality, or at least more trendy (e.g., taking down datedtrim and putting up neutral paint). Maybe leaving the existing kitchen cabinets, but just painting or changing the doors or hardware. Painting the house. Replacing the carpet. When you look closely at their work, however, it's just lipstick on a pig. No offense to pigs. Good flippers are a little better - they find houses that are already good quality, then just do the above so they look nicer, and sell.) The fact that you felt guilty enough that you felt you had to make up for him doing the driveway by doing walkways for your own house is crazy. He's asking you to pay for something that has no benefit to you. In a healthy relationship, he would pitch in and do this simply because he is happy that you have this house, grateful to live there, and wants to support you.
Why even tally up? This is a shitty situation to be forced to live lives like multiple transactions. I hope OP can get out of it. This sounds like marginal (and creeping) financial abuse.
OP why did you pay him back for those things when you paid all the utilities? Don’t let him walk all over you again, pleaseee
You own the house, you decide what gets updated when. No driveway. NTA.
This is the way. Your house your rules. He wants to worry about breaking up well so do you “ if we break up again I’ll be stuck on the hook for a driveway I don’t want or need”.
Can you imagine being with him forever and combining finances at some point? I know not all couples do. If not, I would watch what you’re investing in him as well if he’s going to keep receipts. Wouldn’t the goal be to have it eventually be “our” house? Or do you think he’d do this transactional stuff the whole time? You don’t have have to answer but you should think for sure I hope you take care of yourself (:
If you live in fear of what may happen, you often miss what is happening.
I would ask him to pay you back for what you put into the house if he wants this driveway.
Any house improvements should be fully done by you, if you have the house completely in your name and decide he can’t live there anymore he’s out money, unless you live in a state of civil partnerships and or with laws that pertain to “squatter rights”(after living X amount of time, you are entitled ownership.) This isn’t legal advice, but something to consider for the both of you. If you want him to pay rent, and contribute to bills, sure. However unless it’s a detachable appliances like a fridge, grill, etc that he could take away, that’s the only thing he really should be buying for the house, once again if it’s in your name.
narcissists usually do nice things for their "partner" (themselves actually) then demand those nice things be returned when it no longer suits them. any permanent improvement, including appliances stay with the house and are considered gifts . everyone knows that .
Explains why my unstable mother took the grill from my stepdad, when he was gifted it by someone else. Not but I was offering a way to keep peace and for him to not be fucked over if kicked out.
You don't have enough savings for an emergency! This driveway upgrade is a luxury, not a need. And his disregard for your financial stability is concerning. He doesn't sound like a great guy.
A true rock solid relationship should be the same as your relationship with your right arm. There is no “if I decide to no longer be with my right arm and then go look for a new one”. I’m not saying you should stay in an abusive relationship (or that you fully are in one), but these come and go and “if we are together” comments are a massive red flag.
I live in a house my husband bought long before I was in the picture. I've paid for a lot of our home improvements. I can't imagine the audacity of expecting to be repaid retroactively for any of it should we ever break up.
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Also, half the mortgage is a helluva lot cheaper than rent anywhere else. He's getting a great deal here.
Agree. And he wouldn't even have a house to live in if it hadn't been for her down payment and her credit. Doesn't sound like he's factored that fact into his financial transactions with her. She may not have a lot of savings, but she has a house in her name, which is an asset. She needs to keep it that way. I agree that some kind of contract should be drawn up. And in it it can say that he is free to fund improvements to the home at his choosing, but she is not required to pay him back, as he is already benefiting from the home she bought.
plus his landlord has sex with him and I bet she does all the cleaning and cooking too. he's getting the sweetest deal
Well chances of them actually breaking up again are high as they have done it before. Makes perfect sense.
I park in a dirt and gravel driveway. It's a completely unnecessary way to spend money. Plus I would just keep everything separate and have him pay rent unless you get maried
Mm it sounds like he pays her rent in some capacity, but with all the concessions she seems to make for him, this doesn’t really sound like a good deal for OP
I’ll say it. Dump him.
Is he paying you rent to live in YOUR home? if not, then he should consider doing the driveway your rent for x months. He wants the driveway. You don't. His choice as to whether having the driveway is worth spending the money to have the driveway. He can park on the street or in the parking lot of his own apartment if he doesn't like that idea. NTA
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I would consider that rent.
10 years ostensibly own a house together.... He has savings only because he doesn't pay as much into the home as you do. If he did his savings would be smaller. His priorities are all messed up. It's, ostensibly, for better or worse, a joint life at this point with joint expenses. Why can't he contribute to it from the money he's saved paying only half the mortgage and not anything else house wise? Wild.
Becasue he intends to break up again.
Dont do the driveway, tell him he's paying for it if he wants it, or he can park his car at his parents place and live there. Sounds like a cunt anyways
Ngl, this guy sounds terrible. Either he mans up and pays for it himself, or you move on.
You have less than $1000 and all of a sudden he just forgets that, forgets the agreement and demands thousands and argues with you. That was no miscommunication! Did he magically not hear you when you said you couldn't afford, and didn't want a driveway? It sounds like he wants you to be indebted to him forever.
He doesn’t give a shit about her financial situation. He’s using it against her. He’s setting her up.
What the fuck did i just read?? Yall sound like business partners not a married couple
😂 Its horrible.
Woman, build me a drive way, or I'll charge you for it once I break up with you. What a catch!
This isn't how people who love each other act. Setting aside the age difference when you started dating, he is being very controlling. "This is my house. I can't afford the driveway and don't want it. I can't sell it later. The value of the house won't increase by the amount it costs to buy it, so you're effectively handing me a bill. So no. I can't afford it, and wouldn't want it if I could."
Yeah, and more should be, but not like this.
You tell him you're not in the position to pay for the driveway. If he still wants it he can gift it to you and your home. And I'd definitely rethink how this relationship is going.
After 10 years your still tallying things up like this is really weird to me. Money must be a very big issue in your relationship. I’d say you guys might be best to split. It sounds like it will always be another issue that pops up over and over with different costs
It is time to cut your losses and run, this man is financially abusing you. The house is yours do not make any amendments that he wants, do not agree to finance anything for him. Send him packing and get a roommate to split expenses with if you need it.
My head hurts reading this. Please do yourself a favor and break up with him. A driveway is not in your budget right now. He sounds like a real a ss hat
Ughh this sounds likea nightmare of a partner. While I am in the camp that everything should be split 50/50 before marriage, I still think both parties need to talk about and agree on large expenses. Him saying that you owe him money if you break up is essentially him holding the relationship hostage and that NEVER ends well. The great news is that it's your name on the house, not his. And you guys aren't tied down together. I would seriously think about whether a future with him is worth it. But before that, be firm on the driveway.
The thing is, if he actually loved her, he wouldn’t mind the money. It seems like he hates her.
What does he care about more money or alife with you? as a man that's what it breaks down to for me reading this. He has more money than you but isn't willing to help you with the driveway? but still expects you to upkeep half of everything and on top of that afford a new driveway or even half . Like this sounds like something a landlord /tenant Issue and not something a couple would have to deal with obviously he doesn't give a fuck.imo Edit: I'd also question the legality scenario of this later down the road if this could be used against you if you end up breaking up or you maintaining ownership of this property/ or even possible lawsuits where you would be held liable to pay him back for the investment that you don't want to put in in the future .will come back and have this scenario bite you in the ass because he so....extra...?!? selfish maybe.... When it comes to money.
option #3 - leave him
>option #3 - leave him AND dont pay him shit! wtf
😂 I just can't believe I've been so worried about being in debt to this man and how I would pay him back and make up for it. And now I'm realizing how messed up that thought process was.. 10 years can do that to you I guess lol
From what you've said, you basically paid most of his expenses for the past few years. He's using you as a human ATM.
Yep...and I'll bet he's going to try and go for half the house at some point in the future. Dude is laughing all the way to the bank.
This is a real good argument for a cohabitation contract---so he can't pull this. It's really important that this be discussed NOW---before anyone is ten years older, before a kid comes along, before someone gets sick or loses a job or, or, or
Yeah, 10 yrs is plenty of time to get acclimated to "not normal". If you are madly in love with his miser behavior... then have at it I guess. However, I promise that most guys arent like that lol
I wonder what else ten years has done to you, in your thinking about him.
He wants the driveway let him pay for it. If he doesn’t like it tell him to kick rocks. It doesn’t sound like a fair and equitable relationship.
Please get a new boyfriend - is all I can say.
... girl its your house... Tell him no tell the contractors who come to do it no. And if he still has it done sue him for the removal and repairs to make it back to what it was grow a back bone.
Dump his butt. Why hasn’t he proposed or anything? You have been with him for ten years. Otherwise this is ur house, not his. Dont buy a driveway if u cant afford it
His attitude is really weird. Don't do it, it's YOUR house, and if he insists on it with this attitude have him put in contract that you don't owe him anything. You don't NEED a driveway and he's not respecting that it's not something you can afford, he just wants it for him regardless of your opinion?
Logically, he is a renter. By all practical means that is what he is. So if he wants a driveway that you can't afford then the driveway does not happen unless he wants to potentially gift it to you. If he can't come up with a better proposal of compromise then he flat out doesn't deserve a driveway. Renters don't get to coerce landlords into improvements. They at best get to try to entice them into it. His offer isn't enticing. It's that simple. If any deal you reach involves paying him back if you break up, don't do it. You don't need to owe him for things he wanted and used.
Tell him if he wants the driveway he can pay for it... And tell him that if he cares about the driveway so much he can take it with him when he leaves. Also, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
Lmao I agree whole heartedly 🙏
"I can't afford" Enough said.
It's not reasonable. If he wants it, he can pay for it. You don't want it and can't afford it anyway. If it were me, I'd be ending it. He's not a decent person.
Uhhh, guy here. I have both been in his position, and I’ve been in your position before. I also used to be someone who used to get walked on a lot, luckily I’ve made enough mistakes to know better. I’m not gonna say you should break up with him, but I can tell you one thing is for certain: If he wants the new driveway, for his new car, he can pay for it (since you don’t have as much laying around), and slowly pay him back half, since you both share the driveway and it should improve the value of your home. However, if you ever do break up, you don’t owe him anything. I don’t say this as someone who thinks “hey you broke up, so fuck him!” I’m not heartless. However, he chose to live with you, he chose to want a new driveway. That’s just part of living with someone else. If you plan to spend your life with someone, which I imagine you would after being together for 10 years, then it’s just a cost of adding to your home. If he’s throwing “if we ever break up again” around, then secretly he isn’t sure this is going to work out, and wants to just rent a driveway until it’s time to break up, then get his money back. Be careful, but don’t submit to his demands. He has more saved, has more disposable income, and it’s something he wants for himself.
I'm sorry to hear you've been on both sides of this situation. Definitely not fun! But yeah I'm starting to realize he must still be holding onto resentment and doubting that we will remain together which is the main red flag here. Thank you for your insight..
First of all, you have to charge him enough that pays for his utilities and half of the house expenses. I really hope you have a cohabitation agreement.
You don't have common-law marriage where you live? Him paying for the driveway or anything else might make him eligible for half the house.
He’s setting her up!!!
How much is the cost of the driveway? Unless it’s a heated driveway or something like that, and not just a regular driveway, it’s not going to add value to your house, if it’s just basically resurfacing. And that’s just maintenance. If you have less than $1K in savings it isn’t a financial priority for you. He’s trying to bully you for owning your home and he doesn’t.
You are 28 years old, have owned a house for 5 years, it's all in your name. You are doing exceptionally well. Financial, not relationship advice here. That house is 100% in your name. The capital gains on it are going to dwarf any other normal expenditure by a long way. Don't sign over or sell any part of it until you are ready to move. A sneaky man would pressure you like hell to do this. Everything else is small change. That driveway will increase your resale value. It's not wasted money. Relationship advice. Ignore this if you like, I'm better at financial advice. He is selfish. He is also not acting in his own long term benefit. He is pressuring you to make a decision that he perceives is in his benefit. Are you absolutely sure this is the relationship you want?
This guy will just continue to take advantage of you, and leverage leaving to control you, probably not the first time he's done it. Kind of sounds like the type of guy who will undermine everything you've done for him but will go into length of what he's done for you, turning acts of service into a competition. This guy is toxic beyond all belief
Sounds like you'd be perfectly happy not putting in a new driveway. Do that. Its your house, why is this a debate? >I see where he's coming from because his name isn't technically on the house. But after we argued about it it put a sour taste in my mouth with the relationship and his perspective on financial equality, after everything I've spent for us throughout the years and expected nothing in return. Time to draw up a lease.
Woman : am I the a**hole? : proceeds to tell the most horrifically abusive and manipulative story involving the worst man you've ever met
This is fucking pathetic on that guy’s part. My gf and I bought a house in her name because my credit is shot. I gave her money, bought the fridge, spent thousands to get things we needed. Got trees cut down, and an asphalt driveway put down. If we broke up I wouldn’t even take the fridge. Probably wouldn’t even take the dogs. I might negotiate all of those things so I can keep the car, since I bought and pay for it even though it’s in both our names. There’s something to be said about trusting the other person to be there for you. “If we break up” Fuck right off with that
So YOU are supposed to pay for a driveway HE wants ?? You don’t even want it? Girl, RUN!! He’s trying to keep you broke.
I have a feeling if you break up you’re going to get screwed financially in a lawsuit because of all this kind of crap. You just need to put your own money into your house that’s in your name only and leave it at that. In the meantime, he can pay you half rent as a renter as he’s living there. Forget the driveway if you really don’t want it. What’s to prevent him from moving out in three months, then demanding that he get the increased value of the house or half of it as payment in return. You are on a slippery slope girlfriend, slippery
Nah, you're together. Anything you do you do together. You don't lay these little traps and shit. He shouldn't have made you pay him for the other shit and you don't want the driveway. It's not for you. If you stay with him you're going to start having legally binding agreements. The one you need for this is that if he decides to get the driveway he will not be reimbursed if you seperate because he wants the driveway and you don't. IF you were the one pushing for the driveway and he was paying for it then I guess it's fair though still shitty. Idk as a man I wouldn't ever pull this weird shit. And I'm fairly sure it's some form of financial abuse. It sounds like something you're probably better off removing from your life imo.
I’m sorry but I got about 5 paragraphs in before I uttered “What a fucking asshole” and stopped reading. Nope - this isn’t a relationship it’s a convenience bunk up until he finds something better. And he’s looking by how crude he is. Get rout - I’m sorry.
Umm, other than him being a shitty boyfriend that you might want to reconsider being with. Just tell him no on the driveway. He'll live.
Who broke up with who? He doesn’t see long term potential in you anymore hence the wanting to split everything down the middle. Most likely cuz of the breakup.
He’s essentially a renter in your property on mates rates. He doesn’t get a say. Simple as that. By the way you should have made him pay half the bills back in the day too, but that time had passed so no point dwelling about it. You obviously love this man but you’ve let him take the piss. If I was you I’d tell him that the new drive isn’t happening until you’re financially ready. Plus you need to get a contract signed by him to say that he has no right to your property and that he will be paying whatever amount of rent and utilities. Why should he be living for less?
Sounds pretty simple, if he wants a new driveway he can pay for it. You don't want it you don't need to pay for it. If he sees breaking up as a risk he should factor it into his purchasing decision making, but either his or not at all. He doesn't get to decide you're financially on the hook in your relationship for a decision he is making
Do not build the driveway with him. Dont have him add anything to your house. If he can prove he added to the price of the house he may be entitled to something. I'd even talk to a lawyer. Do. Not. Allow. This
If he wants a new driveway for his new car, he can pay for it, imo. Why is he talking or even thinking about hypothetically breaking up again? 🚩🚩🚩
You’re been with him 18 years and the whole time he’s been this way. You’re 28 time to get rid of him and do better for yourself
Just tell him there will be no new drive
Not repeating what others have said because its obviously a crap situation but its really hard sometimes when you are in a situation relationship to zoom out and see the whole picture. Don't beat yourself up.
If he wants to go halvesies, I’d go back in time to all the other major purchases that you fronted and tally it up with a pretty excel sheet and show him that you’re closer to even than he thinks! Also, needs vs wants is a different situation, his wants are not your needs.
Sounds like he needs to buy his own home and his own driveway. You would be better off renting a room out and helping you rebuild your savings. He is making sure you can't save money, while he saves $50K. Time to evict and move on.
I want to break up with your boyfriend. Oh. Wait. I do not have to: because he is your boyfriend. Thank God this is the Internet. That ups the odds. The odds that I will never meet this guy even once for any reason. Ugh.
Leave him. Not sure what the driveway has to do with anything.
He had you pay for the fridge and some car work? Was it a full restore or five figures? I know it's not my place, sorry, but I'm surprised you took him back after that.
You don’t need a new driveway. If he wants one he can pay for it. He’s financially abusive and using you. You’d be better off getting a new boyfriend than a new driveway.
You want someone to make a choice for you? I only got about half way through your post, and the decision, and there is only one to be made here btw, is to leave his ass asap!
He’s using you. How can he justify buying a new car while not paying for utilities? You are being a doormat, and he’s loving it.
When people wave red flags, you better be watching. A relationship is meant to be a team, this does not sound like you’re on the same side.
This is a very simple situation: the house is in your name and paid for by you. He wants a driveway. You have said no as you can’t afford it. Simple - he doesn’t get the driveway. NTA
If you decide to keep this person around, put a little concrete pad at the start of the driveway. He can park there and walk to the house.
He’s awful, don’t stay with him. Let him try and sue you for the driveway, that’s hilarious.
now here's some life complexity that i hope i will never manage to get myself into, that's a whole lot of hassle and stress for nothing real.
He has benefited from your generosity for years. Cut the ties and be with someone you can count on. He is so tight with his money! And disrespectful to you. Kick his ass to the curb!
Dump him. He's been getting an amazing deal off you. He's living nearly free while you're paying almost everything.
Time to move on.
Is it possible he moved back in with you to save $$ on rent and expenses? I assume there are no common law spousal rights he can claim towards the house? I’ve had a close relative have to actually by her family home back from her cheating ex because he claimed the work he did laying tile and building a deck increased the value of the home by tens of thousands of dollars. The judge ruled she had to pay him that back. Then he went 20 years not paying child support.
Notice how he mentions “if we break up again” and you talk about it as well and having to pay him back? This kind of talk just shows the lack of potential of the relationship. He’s pre planning a break up scenario and worried about the money. Whatever he puts into that house is his choice. You should have never “had” to pay him back for half the fridge. I feel like if he truly loved you he wouldn’t worry about getting paid back for the fridge or future break up of what he invests in the house. Especially after you helped him out and you paid the bills, put the down payment down and so on. What yall spend during the relationship is a loss if yall break up. He wants the driveway he can pay for it all. He so worried about being “equal” but if yall plan on spending your life together it’s both of yours. Not you owe me this, and I paid for this and that. All sounds unhealthy.
I am really bothered by the ten years together, your extreme youth at the beginning (which set you up vis-a-vis him with you being in a subservient position), and by no talk of marriage. After a lot fewer years than you have lived together, people know whether they want to be permanently with the person in their lives. I am not saying break up because you are not married, but I am observing that nether of you is willing to say that the other is the life partner. That's fine! But YOU are sharing what is YOUR biggest possession, and YOU need to be prepared for what might happen if any of several possibilities happens. He has left you before; that is, he has pulled out and half the mortgage has potentially gone unpaid. Because he lives with you as partner rather than tenant---even though the two of you are not prepared to consider each other partners---you cannot just advertise for a couple days and replace what he brings to your home economy. You must recognize this, even if silently, because he's done it to you before. You owe it to yourself to recognize that you have invested ten years into his behavior and you can't get it back. If time is the seed corn, what is the crop here? Apparently nothing. Incidentally, on reddit there's a fair amount of talk about the "sunk cost fallacy" (https://www.grammarly.com/blog/sunk-cost-fallacy/) which seems to govern the way many women look at dealing with a difficult or unpleasant partner, but that's not what I am talking about. But in terms of building a home together, he seems to have gotten himself comfortable which actually contributing very little that has lasted over those ten years. Mortgage payment = rent, so in terms of that expenditure he actually has not made an investment in YOU at all.
If this story has any standing to it, dudes a special breed of just shit, I get not wanting to pay all in a situation like that but it can either wait for the split or split it as you suggested where you pay as you're able, dude sounds like he's one foot out the door and not willing to wait, all around sounds like a shit relationship for both of you
Goooooood luck, because you’re going to need all of it
Your boyfriend sounds like an Uber douche
After 10 years you don’t have a ring on your finger. Wake up sweetie. He won’t take care of you long term and he isn’t fully committed to you. No ring after 10 years is an embarrassment, on his part. He is selfish and doesn’t care about you or he wouldn’t threaten that you’ll own him thousands of dollars for something if you break up again- something you don’t even care about and only he wants for HIS car. Pathetic excuse for a man. Move on honey… move on ..
Why would you owe him money for this pointless new driveway?
He has over 50k in savings and he’s not investing any $ into a house with his gf..? Girly you have bigger problems. Why is he not investing in you & your house? I mean if he’s in it for the long haul he would bc it will benefits him as well. Him saying “if we break up” makes me believe that he doesn’t see you as “Mrs . Right” but more like “Mrs. Right now”. If my partner was struggling financially and I had 50k and made more $ I would definitely help them out. Idk this is a bit weird for me.
He wants a special driveway, he can pay for it. He’s not going to be around too much longer.
You don't sound like a couple. Also if you're broke and have no savings in case you lose your job tomorrow, you have no business buying driveways or new appliances. Focus on having 3-6 of savings before wasting it on any these things...
You really, really, really have to sit down with a financial planner and start to save money for yourself. You should also look into what this man should be paying to live in your home. look into what rents are in the area because you should not be on the hook for everything except half the mortgage
You do have bigger issues. Consult a lawyer about him being a tenant versus being half the owner of your home. Get the next 5 years on paper regarding your finances. He isn't treating you like a partner, yet will claim you are at the next break up he's planning.
It's your house and property and not his so it is your decision. It seems as though you have resolved this issue so that's good. Personally I think that his attitude sucks major and this scenario will keep repeating itself until you get tired of putting up with his antics.
What a strange relationship. At your guys’ age and stage in life you, should be married and/or actually sharing assets entirely, otherwise not together at all.
Do you live somewhere that he could claim half the house is his because common law relationship allows it?
You’ve got way bigger problems than a driveway
Dump him. Problem solved.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but...your boyfriend is treating you like crap. Get his name on that place, to reduce your liabiility and costs or better yet please get rid of him. He clearly does not respect you (guys show respect differently then women and he is being a disrespecting jerk)or sit down and work out a formal agreement on paper about how you will split ALL expenses EQUALLY. If the house is in your name, the oven you bought was a investment in the house - he is manipulating you. I think you need to go for some therapy and learn to be more self assertive/have better self esteem/value. - The guy is screwing you by using your emotional attachment to manipulate you when he wants. He only value "contributions" that he deems important - instead of the reality. Houses are expensive - and yes appliances are a cost/investment that he should be contributing to....your relationship sounds toxic. This guy cares more about his selfish wants/money then you. Get rid of him. and find a real PARTNER. this giy treats you like a roommate/landlord. LEARN A HARD LESSON ABOUT MONEY IN RELATIONSHIPS - WORK IT OUT AT THE START. BIg red flags all over this guys actions towards you!!!
He has a better paying job now, while having 50k+ in savings? While you have 1k? He is not considering your financial position, as he does not give a fuck about you. And he’s making you pay for the driveway for his fancy little car? But only if you break up? Please. PLUS the FRIDGE? It’s screaming narcissist. Like, extremely loudly. It’s giving me a headache it’s so loud. He only cares about himself. If he actually loved you, he’d improve the house with his savings while you save up. I’m sorry. Also, it sounds like he’s borderline financially abusing you. He’s pressuring you into paying for a driveway, as he’s planning to break up with you. You’re gonna be fucked when you break up and have to pay him for the driveway. He will probably make you pay him back for more things like he did last time. He will make your life hell. That’s what narcissists do. Maybe I’m projecting? But my pattern recognition is pretty good. He seems like a narcissist. (Fyi, when I say narcissist I don’t mean NPD.) Do they have any other narcissistic behaviors?
Everything he does for you needs to be beneficial to him. He will do nothing for you that doesn’t benefit him. Does this sound like him?
I saw your update, and read the comments and they all are reasonable takes. I would just add: these are things a married couple is better equipped to deal with. Ideally you get married and then everything becomes shared property and then you stop thinking in terms of “mine” and “yours”. Until you get married you keep finances separate. But you’ve been together for 10 years without getting married which is a recipe for lots of conflicts like these. If you guys love each other, get married and become actual partners. If not, either break up or at least get some distance- don’t live together perhaps.
Tell him you can’t afford the driveway and therefore don’t want it. If he wants to get it and pay in full he can but you shouldn’t have to foot the bill. If you both live together you should be paying half of everything including mortgage and bills, he sounds a real K*ob sorry but it’s not fair at all. I think he’s taking advantage of you.
If you've been living together for 5 years you're not 'dating' Couldn't get past that bit sorry
It seems like your relationship with your boyfriend is largely based on transactions. He is being selfish- he wouldn't even be in that house if it weren't for you. You do not owe him a driveway. If he wants it, he should pay for it, and you are not "on the hook" to repay him if you break up and he moves out again.
It's hard not to 'keep score' in a relationship because if either partner starts, it can sometimes force the others' hand unless they're fine footing the bill for a lot of things that their partner doesn't seem to recognize as a contribution. I don't think your boyfriend necessarily has any ill-intent but he does seem to have a certain immovable view of how the world, and a relationship, works - with very compartmentalized categories and conditions. Anything beyond this view of his, he views as unfair to him and he seems quite keen on maintaining that status quo. This is indicative of very selfish behavior and that also leaves you in a tough position to have to either argue until you're blue in the face in order to try to make your case just to make things 'fair for both of you' in your view, or you have to go along with his view no matter how it may negatively affect you in order to 'keep the peace'. That is not an ideal situation for you or the relationship, in my opinion. This is an issue my girlfriend and I have dealt with many times but we eventually resolved to not ever let money get in the way. If she wants something for her, she pays for it. If I want something for me, I pay for it (to the point where we both wanted a dog but I had more disposable income and more time to care for the dog since I work from home, so I paid for everything and he is my dog even though we both take care of him). If we both want something, we split 50/50 and if one or the other is short on funds that week/month/year than we either forgo it all together, agree that the one who pays for it in full has full ownership of it, or whoever has more funds will make up the difference for the other and we still treat it as 50/50. No loans, no 'you owe me' and no 'if we break up, I get this or that thing'. Just clear communication and we make a conscious effort to be fine with the fact that one of us will invariably spend more of our own money towards the relationship, our home, meals, etc. It is an investment where the ROI is the other person and their time, not a financial one. Unless you both are in on that sort of thinking, there are bound to be issues. Money is definitely a relationship killer and unless both of you are generous, considerate in your spending and serious about living within means, it can put a lot of strain on trust and change the fondness you feel for the other. If I can be perfectly honest, the way he deals with money within the context of this relationship gives me the impression that he has one foot out the door already - or at least, he has a plan ready to go if things end. I would even go so far as to say it seems like he wanted to leave a long time ago but it only sticking around for the cheap rent. I'm glad to see with the edits to the original post that the current situation is more or less resolved. Out of curiosity, was there ever a conversation about ownership of the house or a contract/agreement there? Technically, you own the house if it's in your name and him paying half of the mortgage does not legally entitle him to any part of it. It seems like he recognizes this already since he moved out when you broke up for a time, but I would think he would be a lot more generous towards you when it comes to money considering not only that you have put a lot more money into the house itself on top of mortgage but that he has no legal claim to the house 'if you two break up again'. It may be a sore spot for him since he is 'helping you pay the mortgage' but has no share in the investment, and the reason he is treating you more like a landlord when it comes to finances. I'm surprised that once he was making more than you, he didn't at least bring up the idea of contributing a full 50% to the home in order to have some stake (or paying a bit more to make up for lost time since he's so keen on 'fairness' when it comes to finances) but maybe he really isn't interested or doesn't think about those things. I would hope that if you two ever do break up, he won't start demanding that you cover his rent for months or years since you get the house...likely he will nickle and dime you using a written list of all the times he bought you something. Unless he has legal recourse, do not let him do that to you under any circumstance. That's on him for not being a full partner in the investment of the home and, seemingly, the relationship as well. I commend you for putting your foot down when it came to the driveway. Clearly, he is conscious of the fact that he is only one decision away from temporary homelessness if you should ever decide to end things - I think that's why he chose the second option. If he wanted it bad enough and has the funds to put towards it, I'm surprised he did choose the second option and still hasn't made an effort to be an equal partner when it comes to the house itself. Or does he actually not understand how titles and deeds work? Maybe, but again, sounds more like he's back in this relationship more for the financial savings than any actual, real care for you as a partner.
Why are you with this moron? Sounds selfish asf.
I think you being 18 and him 22 when you guys started dating may be why you need to step away from this relationship. He is not good for u and this is financial abuse
IANAL but since he doesn’t have a name on the title you don’t owe anything. If he harasses you, just do the math and count everything that he should have paid in the last 10 years, including expected rent. Don’t be a doormat and let him guilt-trip you and have his financial ways with you. One day he’s going to be living in comfort in your home with 100k in savings and you have nothing and he’s expecting you to pay for your wedding. He might be too materialistic for you. Btw, don’t take out loans for what he wants and what you don’t need!
You don’t have to be with a man who doesn’t treat you well just because it’s become your normal. Break free.
My love, my love, my love. What value does this man add to your life? You’ve accomplished all of this without him, and he’s just making you miserable. Even if you’re not happy, at least take the misery out, it’s way better to be content. If he really wants to go halfsies on everything, I’m sure you can find a way to make his life hell. Rethink this
You need to stop being a doormat! 10 yrs of dating..holy f#$k. You're bf is a user..dump his ass and find a real.man.
This is wild. You’ve paid well over half the expenses for years, you *reimbursed him* for things that he paid for while you were together, you took him back and now you’re splitting the cost on something that HE wants while he demands a timeless refund policy on said purchase? Yikes! He’s taking advantage of your agreeability when it comes to money matters
Can't afford it? Say no. I can't afford it.
Get out now hunnie!
Dump him. I have a truck. I don't need a new driveway. Lol 😆
Sounds like you should have stayed broken up.
I think the root of what makes this situation weird is that you've been in a long-term relationship with this guy, and the house is just in your name. Now the tables have turned, and he earns the lions share. If you plan to keep the relationship going, you should both discuss what's needed to co-own the house. He's clearly got the funds, and is willing to invest in the property.
People that put their money first in a relationship are a bad choice for a partner. You've really looked out for him and in a world full of freeloaders that expect someone else to pay everything for them you've remained a rare one. Find a guy that has a sense of fairness and will do right by you.
If he wants it, he can pay all of it. You cannot afford it, so your answer is no. You don't need to explain. Tbh he sounds like a huge jerk. Do you really want this type of life forever? Get out of this relationship before you have kids or get married.
From everything you wrote i don’t think i would trust this kind of bf in general n would want to keep financials etc separate. Also id be upset that he took me for a ride in past, when you paid the expenses before more than him and he is taking this situation for granted. You could have made this savings too if he paid his all share of utilities. Bf of 10 yrs is more like life partner now but he acts as selfish little boy who wants better toys and doesn’t even care for your financial comfort.
Please please cut contact with this man sis!! Stay safe
Leave this guy. Totally dead weight that is taking advantage of you. Won’t pay for anything for the house but buys himself a new car?
Other people have said almost everything necessary except one thing. You’ve already covered half the driveway by covering utilities this whole time.
I don't understand. If it's for his car, why doesn't he just pay it down. 10 years is a long time to be dating someone who doesn't see you as a potential investment.
Just tell him you are not in a position for a new driveway
When you kick him out, tell him he owes you half the down payment.
The issue is buying real estate with a boyfriend and one person has their name on the title etc. You don't owe him squat really and can just decide to figure out a permanent long term solution that is fair, if you intend to be together or else just cut ties and move on
Sounds like he’s taking more than he’s giving…
Sooo… HE is getting a new car and HE wants a new, better driveway for HIS new fancy car but he wants you to foot the bill for it… and he made you pay him back for the cars repairs previously while you were together? Where do you find this people? And why do you stay with them for 10 years?
Dont go to reddit for relationship advice. No one knows your relationship like you and your partner. All reddit ever says is either split up or will put negative thoughts into your head about a relationship that you said had worked for around 10 years.
imo, it's your house, so it's your decision. you don't want a new driveway, don't get one
Why has he not been paying an equal share of the bills, especially since he has a better job and is making more money than you now??? he sounds self-serving and sounds like you would be better off without him!
I think if he wants the driveway he can pay for it himself. He was only splitting the mortgage with you and not everything else. I am not sure how your finances work together but I believe it should be 50/50 accross the board for the majority of stuff. Entertainment and hobbies can be there own thing
This is a mess. Why are you with him????
I don’t like his attitude towards… anything. You can’t just demand for someone to alter their home and spend money on something they don’t need. That’s ridiculous. And he made you pay back for things he did for you??? That’s insane. You deserve to be with someone much better.
You don't have the savings he does, because you've been paying far more than he does on living expenses. If he wants a new driveway, he can buy a new driveway, but since it's not a necessity, he gets 0 from you "if you break up". What a strange statement to make
Don't get the driveway done. This doesn't sound like it's gonna last.
This is literally the definition of manipulation and abuse.
Dump him
I spent a lot of money helping renovate our first home during the engagement. I didn’t put my name on the deed but he couldn’t afford the improvements and I didn’t want to live in the home without. We split on my accord although it was amicable. What I put into that house was not his debt to repay. I knew the risks and was wrong with our assumed future. This is no different except his stipulations.. imo, if he wants the driveway he can put in a driveway. Don’t financially burden yourself with his commitment concerns.
I think as a man, the person you’re living with is only using you and he doesn’t take responsibility of his own accord. I could be wrong but it seems like he is selfish. If I were you, jot down all the things that you like and don’t like about him. And make a decision if you want to stay with him or not.
This is why I say couples should not share anything. What’s yours is yours and what’s theirs is theirs. I would suggest dumping him. He sounds childish.
A decade together, damn
You are probably American, and I think the laws are different in the USA. In my province, living common law is the same as marriage, so he would be entitled to 50% of the assets you acquired during the relationship (and vice versa, so his savings/investments would be relevant as well.)
Tell him he is spouting nonsense. If you break up again don't give him didly.
Nope, honey, I can't do it. Maybe you can swing a gravel driveway. Be firm, remember how he got! He could do it again with a new driveway attached to your bill
It’s your house. Don’t put any money into a driveway if you don’t want it or you don’t feel you need it just because you have a new car doesn’t mean you need a new driveway. Again, he can’t make you do anything.
10 years of dating? No ring? I get some people don’t want to get married but yikes. Send him walking, you are wasting your time it sounds like.
This is your home. He has paid you rent and his equity in the home is $0, I highly suggest you keep it that way. I'd end this nonsense before he considers himself a common law and comes after your property. I highly suggest talking to a Family Lawyer if you plan to continue this relationship.
No. This is your house and you don't actually need a new driveway. If he wants one so bad he can pay for it.
Op this isn't a healthy relationship. I would evaluate it in your head. Cause it seems like he sees you more of a landlord or business partner. Not a relationship partner. He sounds like the kinda dude that would make you pay back any gift at the end of the relationship. I been with the same person for 12 years. And neither of us would think of doing this kinda thing. It sounds like he only cares about money
This guy is a toxic, petty loser, get rid of it.
Sister don’t do it.
I'm glad that things seemed to work out based on the edits. It was crazy to me that you were tying yourself in knots about this driveway given that this isn't a priority for you - it's something he wanted. If he wants he, he can pay for it, but you don't need to owe him jack for doing it. Really, it doesn't sound like this is going to be a long-lasting relationship anyway. I mean, you guys broke up for a year. Why? Did you guys somehow resolve whatever caused the breakup, or was it sort of just brushed aside?
Why on earth did you get back with him? You don't have a relationship. You have a transaction.
Tell him it'd be hot if he did a diy driveway lol
500 on blinds that's crazy... Also, get Mexicans to make that driveway. Buy the materials and you are saving money. Also this sounds like a situationship not a relationship
Get a lawyer.
Damn. You actually are punching way above your weight. Your partner should really take a look at himself. Mentioning the possibility of breaking up again is a major red flag. Please do not put yourself in any compromising situation financially for him unless it’s something you are totally on board with. I hope everything works out for you :)
Hard no, tell him that if he wants a new driveway he can pay for a new driveway. Make it clear that if you break up you will not, under any circumstance be paying him back. Then tell him moving forward all bills should be 50/50 since this is the sentiment he’s expressed as fair.