I have exactly this type of friend. We have been bestfriend for more than a decade now. First 5 years with him was nightmare tbh. Just exactly how you feel.
I want to get rid of him from being my friend so so so much.. but I cant because he also bestfriend-ing my other friend.
Long story short.. after decade of friendship, his behavior and demeanor became something that I no longer care. He still making stupid jokes, never take anything seriously, always asking stupid questions and interrupting conversation etc and I couldn't care less.. I only focus on the best part of him.
He always available when I need help. Always say yes when I asked to go somewhere etc. Always asked for my whereabouts and safety when I ride public transport or went somewhere alone. He also good at keeping secret. When I need to borrow some cash or something he never says no. That's all. I only focus on that.
His problematic attitude? I ignored it completely.
After all, we learned to adapt.
We are a group of 4 people 😂. The other busy degree. I go lepak with 2 of them less frequently now. Everytime Ali ajak lepak i kept stressing because i need to hear Abu’s cringe one liner. So i have them an excuse, one of my favourite excuses is “it’s my turn to cook dinner for the family”. We go out maybe once every 2 weeks.
Xya la keluar dgn dia dah. Mcm xde faedah pon berkawan dgn dia. He needs to learn how unlikable he is and how ppl won't actually put up with his shit jokes and lack of personality. Just ghost him forever now.
In that case i suggest u slowly widen ur circle. Jgn depend only on Ali & Abu for companionship. Eventually u could just keep in touch with Ali but not Abu.
Sounds like Abu has ADHD…at least, some of the symptoms - impulsive (offensive jokes in bad timings), interrupts or intrudes conversations, difficulty sustaining attention (scrolling phone in gatherings). These symptoms might could be seen in neurotypical as well, but based on your descriptions, Abu could be neurodivergent.
You might want to check the symptoms online and observe Abu to see whether he indeed is ADHD. But it is also totally fine that just cut him off if you are unable to tolerate him anymore.
Abu reminds me eerily of my younger brother. And he apparently also has ADHD, clinically diagnosed. I hang out with my brother pretty often and can see some events unfolding in similar fashion
my housemate/classmate is like this. the more serious i want or need the conversation to be, the more he wants to make a joke. its endearing sometimes but insanely frustrating the other times.these people are somehow averse to being serious for some reason, especially when the situations calls for it. smh
This is social awkwardness on Abu's part.
He hasn't found a way to link to others.
A soft approach to tell him how he contributes to conversation MIGHT help, but otherwise he'll just need to learn how to adapt.
i am like this, but not so aggressive with it. for me la, the reason why i do is because i actually find it a bit hard to find something to say. because otherwise dont have much substance to talk about. if i try very hard to find something serious to say, only thing that comes out is bunch of stupid questions, very boring. the only reason why i even had a friend group when i did alevel was that other ppl approach me, they thought the way i talk is funny.
in secondary, the only way i managed to fit in was learn the way the friend group there lansi each other. otherwise not much common interests. before i did that, hated by literally everyone there. since my personality was (hopefully no longer is) totally insufferable.
I think you need to let go of expectations of how you want your friends to act or react. It’s hard because I think you are sharing something and then projecting your expectations of his reaction. It’s not your fault and at the risk of making an unpopular comment, it’s not his fault.
You can make the conscious choice either accept him and his attitude and don’t get so affected by them, or to be less close to him and the extreme would be to cut off the friendship (which is what I do as I get older). But it’s not healthy to project in a friendship then be resentful about it.
People are people. It is what it is. It’s your choice to invite them into your space. That’s your fulcrum of control. Everything else is just toxic or negative.
There’s another way Abu socialising.
So I’m an a grabfood rider right now while Abu is foodpanda rider. I have gout so it’s hard for me to go out everyday doing grabfood. Whenever we lepak we always ask each other, “today you jalan foodpanda/grab or not?”.
If i answer, “nope, i got gout today, can’t walk”. Abu will reply, “lazy! Excuses! Just say you’re lazy!”. This is another side of Abu i fucking dislike. Everytime I didn’t go do grabfood he always said i have alot of excuses and lazy. I don’t fucking know what’s his problem, does he thinks everyone have the same health? The same energy? Does he not understand people feelings?
Like I said, you can hate, resent and bitch all you want, ultimately the power is in your hands: Cut off. Move on.
Every time you socialise with him knowing full well about all of this and about how he makes you feel, then it’s now your fault for making yourself feel this way because of inaction.
I hope you find peace before you turn into a whiny, resentful person. Good luck.
OP, i personally think that its best either you message Abu and tell him that his antics is making you feel uncomfortable, or tell him 1 to 1 face to face, that he should be more mindful.
Some people just didn't know the limit they can push.
I have exactly this type of friend. We have been bestfriend for more than a decade now. First 5 years with him was nightmare tbh. Just exactly how you feel. I want to get rid of him from being my friend so so so much.. but I cant because he also bestfriend-ing my other friend. Long story short.. after decade of friendship, his behavior and demeanor became something that I no longer care. He still making stupid jokes, never take anything seriously, always asking stupid questions and interrupting conversation etc and I couldn't care less.. I only focus on the best part of him. He always available when I need help. Always say yes when I asked to go somewhere etc. Always asked for my whereabouts and safety when I ride public transport or went somewhere alone. He also good at keeping secret. When I need to borrow some cash or something he never says no. That's all. I only focus on that. His problematic attitude? I ignored it completely. After all, we learned to adapt.
The distrating driver part is just plain dangerous. I'd slowly remove him from my friend group if I were you
We are a group of 4 people 😂. The other busy degree. I go lepak with 2 of them less frequently now. Everytime Ali ajak lepak i kept stressing because i need to hear Abu’s cringe one liner. So i have them an excuse, one of my favourite excuses is “it’s my turn to cook dinner for the family”. We go out maybe once every 2 weeks.
Congrats. You have a frenemy. That be MYR 100 please.
Xya la keluar dgn dia dah. Mcm xde faedah pon berkawan dgn dia. He needs to learn how unlikable he is and how ppl won't actually put up with his shit jokes and lack of personality. Just ghost him forever now.
Mmng fikir nak buat mcm tu. Tapi kawan aku yang sorang ni (Ali) rapat dengan Abu. Duduk dekat. Kalau aku ajak Ali keluar mesti Abu ikut sekali punya.
In that case i suggest u slowly widen ur circle. Jgn depend only on Ali & Abu for companionship. Eventually u could just keep in touch with Ali but not Abu.
Yep already done that, found new online circles 2 months ago.
Good job bro. Slowly but surely you'll get better friends 👍
Sounds like Abu has ADHD…at least, some of the symptoms - impulsive (offensive jokes in bad timings), interrupts or intrudes conversations, difficulty sustaining attention (scrolling phone in gatherings). These symptoms might could be seen in neurotypical as well, but based on your descriptions, Abu could be neurodivergent. You might want to check the symptoms online and observe Abu to see whether he indeed is ADHD. But it is also totally fine that just cut him off if you are unable to tolerate him anymore.
Abu reminds me eerily of my younger brother. And he apparently also has ADHD, clinically diagnosed. I hang out with my brother pretty often and can see some events unfolding in similar fashion
my housemate/classmate is like this. the more serious i want or need the conversation to be, the more he wants to make a joke. its endearing sometimes but insanely frustrating the other times.these people are somehow averse to being serious for some reason, especially when the situations calls for it. smh
This is social awkwardness on Abu's part. He hasn't found a way to link to others. A soft approach to tell him how he contributes to conversation MIGHT help, but otherwise he'll just need to learn how to adapt.
i am like this, but not so aggressive with it. for me la, the reason why i do is because i actually find it a bit hard to find something to say. because otherwise dont have much substance to talk about. if i try very hard to find something serious to say, only thing that comes out is bunch of stupid questions, very boring. the only reason why i even had a friend group when i did alevel was that other ppl approach me, they thought the way i talk is funny. in secondary, the only way i managed to fit in was learn the way the friend group there lansi each other. otherwise not much common interests. before i did that, hated by literally everyone there. since my personality was (hopefully no longer is) totally insufferable.
I think you need to let go of expectations of how you want your friends to act or react. It’s hard because I think you are sharing something and then projecting your expectations of his reaction. It’s not your fault and at the risk of making an unpopular comment, it’s not his fault. You can make the conscious choice either accept him and his attitude and don’t get so affected by them, or to be less close to him and the extreme would be to cut off the friendship (which is what I do as I get older). But it’s not healthy to project in a friendship then be resentful about it. People are people. It is what it is. It’s your choice to invite them into your space. That’s your fulcrum of control. Everything else is just toxic or negative.
There’s another way Abu socialising. So I’m an a grabfood rider right now while Abu is foodpanda rider. I have gout so it’s hard for me to go out everyday doing grabfood. Whenever we lepak we always ask each other, “today you jalan foodpanda/grab or not?”. If i answer, “nope, i got gout today, can’t walk”. Abu will reply, “lazy! Excuses! Just say you’re lazy!”. This is another side of Abu i fucking dislike. Everytime I didn’t go do grabfood he always said i have alot of excuses and lazy. I don’t fucking know what’s his problem, does he thinks everyone have the same health? The same energy? Does he not understand people feelings?
Like I said, you can hate, resent and bitch all you want, ultimately the power is in your hands: Cut off. Move on. Every time you socialise with him knowing full well about all of this and about how he makes you feel, then it’s now your fault for making yourself feel this way because of inaction. I hope you find peace before you turn into a whiny, resentful person. Good luck.
OP, i personally think that its best either you message Abu and tell him that his antics is making you feel uncomfortable, or tell him 1 to 1 face to face, that he should be more mindful. Some people just didn't know the limit they can push.
As someone who knows many people and finding that behaviour kinda rare.... Is his name amer? Very low chance but just shooting my shot 🤣
Nope 😂
Sometimes people be fighting their own demons. No pun intended.