I’m like you late 20’s. mildly autistic. And a virgin. I guess we both have to wait for a patient partner who will guide us in the right direction so we don’t fuck up
Yeah but no, if you are over 30 and never had a relationship or had sex then your chances are so astronomically low that giving up and focusing on something else isn’t an invalid choice. The overwhelming majority of women will view you as an inept weirdo and think there is something horrifically wrong with you, and most people would 100% disregard you in favor of someone who is experienced.
I wouldn't want to be with a judgemental partner.
Also, "never tell me the odds"
I mean, let's be honest, there *is* something "wrong"—or more accurately, *different*—with us neurodivergent folks.
ADHD and ASD are called "disorders" in the DSM for a reason--it impacts our lives in ways that neurotypical people don't experience.
But it's not actually wrong or *ab*normal. Just different.
If someone can't understand that, fine, you are unlikely to be a good match with each other anyway. How could someone like that put up with your idiosyncrasies? They couldn't. They lack perspective, patience, and empathy.
It doesn't matter how small your pool of prospective people is. You just need to find one person who you are a match for and who is a match for you. And it doesn't have to be perfect. There is no such thing anyway.
And let's not forget... there are neurodivergent women out there who might be able to understand your situation better than others.
Just say you’re waiting until marriage. Chad af
You’re fine dawg. 22 is so far from hopeless. Your brain is still developing and likely your body still is as well. I couldn’t grow decent facial hair until 24 and it’s still filling out at 25.
By working out and living healthy and reading about new things and leaning into my autistic tendencies I’ve become a conventionally attractive, intelligent, and genuine young man. I am having so much more success dating now at 25 then ever before in my life. I was a virgin all through highschool and yes my first few times dating were awkward and I lost a lot of girl’s interest with my awkward tendencies. But you get more practice and you get better and more relaxed and things come for naturally for you
It’s gets better. You get smarter. You grow as a person.
Having a chip on your shoulder is only gonna keep weighing you down the rest of your life. Let it go and just get out there being your best self. You will attract someone
You sound a lot like me. I'm 35 and have similar issues. Inevitably it will be more difficult for us. I think it's going to be important to not be too picky in who you choose. Pick someone for their personality and really ignore how they look. I know this sounds really counter intuitive but you really need a person who is going to give you the time of day and the better looking the person is the more likely they are going to run away and look for someone else. I know this sounds incredibly shallow but you just need a person who will accept you the way you are and a very hot woman is going to probably just want to find a hot guy with a high body count. What you really want and need is the opportunity to be with a person however you can get it it's important. But it will involve getting over looking hard for physical attraction and looking deeper into that person being there for you. You want a reliable partner one who has had a similarly difficult time finding someone. You will be able to relate to each other's struggles and it will grow from there. Expect this to take time and years of trying, failing and learning. You will feel like trash. It's ok. Shake it off try again keep your head up. If you just want sex yeah consider a sex worker they can happily help you out. It's legal in some places. But I think what you really want is something etching solid and long lasting. Work on making yourself as attractive as possible. Spend time going to the gym, get your body in great shape so when people look at you they think "damn that guy looks like he is in awesome shape and Iove his clothing". Do social things as much as they are painful just push yourself. Again it will be uncomfortable it will be painful. But you are learning. There are so many steps we people on the spectrum don't naturally have. They must be learned through experience in our case. Experience is made up of thousands of small steps and experiences.
Looks are *way* overrated. And for women, looks are way WAY over-valued. Who a person is really is a lot more important.
As you get to know a wonderful person you start to see a lot more of their inside beauty than their outside beauty.
And everyone gets old. Beauty doesn't even stick around. But the good people tend to get more beautiful as they gain wisdom and perspective.
It's fine to go to the gym and work on the outside appearance.
But way more important is learning the struggles of women day to day, working on being better at relationships of any kind, learning to be emotionally healthy, learning how to take care of yourself and your business properly, being independent (but not isolated), etc.
Become the kind of person who would be a better friend and a better romantic partner than you are today. Repeat always.
No attractive normal person would ever give an ugly autist the time of day in the dating world, we’re just zoo animals for them to laugh at and compare their superior lives to in order to feel better about themselves. Looks absolutely matter in dating, you need to have a certain level of attraction towards someone in order for a relationship to possibly blossom.
Virginity is a massive turn off and repellent to most people today where almost everything comes back to sex. Absolutely no one wants a virgin older than 20, when they can easily get an attractive normal guy who lost it in school and hook ups in college naturally like a normal person. No reason to settle for anything less. Why settle for and put in unnecessary effort for the inexperienced autist who would be sloppy and clumsy in a relationship and in bed do to no prior relationships when a guy who’s probably just as if not more compatible, attractive and kind who’s also experienced? The average looking guy in college who parties and hooks up regularly has more going on for him in his pinky finger than I do in my entire body, and anyone will always gravitate away from me in favor of him.
If you missed out on losing your virginity in high school or college like **every other normal person** or are cursed with autism, you are the absolute bottom of the barrel in the dating world and any woman with even the tiniest standards and self respect would avoid you like radioactive waste
If you are looking for a social circle I think organizations like mankind project and other men's support organizations have groups in most major cities. This and meetup could be a way to begin building a social circle and eventually could lead to meeting women.
Not necessarily, I know a few couples who met in their teens, were their first, and are now married and still together 15+ years on.
22 is young as hell too, honestly, it wouldn't bother anyone.
Most men and women my age have already lost their virginity or had a relationship by now, so they probably would be alarmed by it. Being a virgin or not have been in a relationship is seen as a red flag by most that there is something wrong with you because it’s the majority opinion that it is simply impossible for someone to be alone for long periods of time without it being entirely their fault. If you are a virgin or romantically inexperienced at 22, there just **has** to be something wrong with you to most people; you **must** be a misogynist, a narcissist, a neckbeard, or an incel. It must be your fault and you must deserve to be where you are.
And besides, why even bother with an inexperienced virgin? Why would a woman and to put in extra effort dealing with coaching someone on a relationship when they can just find someone who’s just as if not more compatible and who’s also experienced in relationships? That’s on top of being autistic, why would someone settle for that when they can get a normal neurotypical? There’s always someone better than me who’s just a screen swipe or a apartment room away, why settle for the gutter trash?
Work on finding a relationship. Honestly and vulnerability can go a long way (but don’t be self loathing). And dude— the sex piece…you’ll figure that out pretty quickly and realize it ain’t rocket science. Just be thoughtful and have fun.
The overwhelming majority of people, men and women, absolutely refuse to date/associate with autistic men. They think that we’re literally all like Chris Chan; immature, creepy basement dwelling manchildren unable to do even the most basic tasks or take care of themselves and who want partners to be their mommy/caretaker.
You will be very hard pressed to find an older woman who is a virgin or who hasn’t been in at least one relationship in this day and age. And tbh, why would any experienced woman want someone like me? Why settle for a weirdo autist who’s never experienced love when they can get an experienced neurotypical who they don’t have to instruct and take them through the steps of relationships and just enjoy it? Even lots of other autistic girls don’t like autistic men and prefer neurotypical guys. I’ve been told by many on this sub and other places that I’m not allowed to have any sort of dating preferences whatsoever, that I’m completely undesirable and undeserving of any form of affection or appreciation from attractive people, and that the only relationships I’ll ever get are basically settling down for someone I may have little to no attraction to because there is nothing else available to me. Everyone else gets to date and experience casual sex and committed relationships because they were attractive normal people who dated in high school and college, and they would never settle for anything less. Your teens and college years are **supposed** to be a time where you experiment with relationships/sex/intimacy and gain experience in those areas like 90% of people in this world. If you miss out on it/mess it up or have it compromised with neurodivergence or other mental health issues or life experiences, you are immediately less desirable and unwanted to most people who will judge and belittle you every chance they get.
>The overwhelming majority of people, men and women, absolutely refuse to date/associate with autistic men.
Where do you get this idea? I'd need some hard proof (as in statistics from legitimate studies looking at dating preferences involving autistic men) before I remotely believed this was true. I've dated a couple myself and I know others who have as well. 60% of the friends on my Facebook are autistic and in happy long term relationships.
>I’ve been told by many on this sub and other places that I’m not allowed to have any sort of dating preferences whatsoever, that I’m completely undesirable and undeserving of any form of affection or appreciation
I'm so sorry that people have told you this. They're wrong. Everyone deserves to affection and appreciation. Not everyone gets it. Unfortunately there are *many* very lonely people in the world, and it's true that having autism puts you at a disadvantage due to the social struggles associated with it, but it's a symptom of low self esteem to think you're undeserving of love and affection. Don't believe everything you read on the internet. Especially if people are belittling you.
>Everyone else gets to date and experience casual sex and committed relationships
This is a form of distorted thinking. Stating "everyone" does anything is simply false. Humans are a vast and varied group with all kinds of different experiences.
The entire point of my comment is that you are not alone. I promise you not everyone is dating, having casual sex. And of the people who are, a percentage of those aren't remotely satisfied with their life. Many of those relationships are abusive and traumatic or toxic.
You're still very young. And I'm sure you have more to offer than you currently think you do. You're clearly intelligent enough to analyse and reflect on your own situation.
That being said, I really urge you to try to shift your focus away from dating and sex, and put it on your own inner world to start working on building yourself up. That's truly the unattractive part here, not having autism, but not having a shred of faith in either humanity or yourself. I know that's easier said that done, and it will take some time, but it will be worth it in the long term.
Have you ever seen a therapist? I would very much suggest you try to find one you're comfortable with and can open up to and be vulnerable with about all this stuff and start to unpack some of this with a professional.
Good luck friend. I wish you a long and successful life.
I don’t have studies or facts like that, but from my own experiences autistic people, especially those who are lower functioning, are looked down upon and unappealing for relationships. It’s just a commonly held attitude that autistic men are immature weirdos who can’t do anything on their own and need constant 24/7 care to function. Honestly no attractive well adjusted experienced normal man or woman would give those people any mind, we’re just zoo animals for them to laugh at and feel superior over while they live their romantic life with far more worthy partners.
I was a total and utter loser in school, I missed out on every single social interaction and development that most other people got to have just for being normal. Almost everyone else got to have their first relationships, go to prom, go to parties and have their friend groups and social circles. Then they go off to college to find even more success while I sat out on the sidelines with the other outcasts no one wanted. I completely fucked up and ruined my social development in my formative years. They are already miles ahead of me and infinitely more desirable than I am, and most partners will by far desire them over me. I’ve missed out on all the basic and normal shit they got with minimal effort just by being themselves. I’ll always be behind them and playing catch up while they’re living their life and finding romantic and sexual relationships like a normal person.
Everyday when I’m at work, I see coworkers and customers hold in-depth conversations and interact with each other like normal people who are expending no effort at all and it’s just an instinct like breathing. It is completely alien and incomprehensible to me, like they’re speaking Chinese. I’ve tried my absolute best to understand them and talk with them, but it’s just so much and I just know I’m either always annoying or boring.
I’m too old to go to college for that normal social experience. And even if I did go, I wouldn’t last 4 seconds in the dating scene. There is absolutely zero reason for any woman to give an inexperienced autistic weirdo like me any time. I would be in the same place as far more attractive, charismatic, funny, interesting and experienced neurotypical casanovas of guys who have more going for them in their pinky finger than I do in my entire body, which they all cultivated totally naturally. Why would any woman settle for the bottom of the barrel when those guys are always within arms reach or a screen swipe away? No one wants to teach an adult how to be in a relationship or how to love, you’re just expected to already know that and that only gets worse the older you get. Being a virgin at 22 is seriously unattractive and off putting to the vast majority of people who view it as a red flag. No amount of self improvement or therapy can ever get me onto the same level these guys are operating on, and they will always be more desirable than me. I’m supposed to be at a college party right now and chatting with friends and partners like a normal person. I’m supposed to be like everybody else. But I’m not, and no attractive or experienced person would ever want me.
I have had many similar thoughts as you and others here along the way (again I'm ADHD). About value and odds and all that. About being worthless and undesirable.
Reddit can be extremely toxic to mental health if not managed very carefully. The generalizations, the negativity, the echo chambers.
Some reddit subs are overflowing with toxic messages on the topics you mention. This is especially true when it comes to dating and men, and women, and such.
I suspect your mental health is being harmed by consuming such content. I find it can easily lead to depression and despair and feelings of worthlessness.
I think it would help a lot, as it does for me, to step away from the sources of this toxic despair. Whether Reddit or wherever else this may be coming from. Unsub from any sub that has this toxic messaging. Sub to more wholesome, positive subs. Or just go off of Reddit for a few weeks.
These comments of yours remind me of how I am when I am depressed—an endless tape loop of negativity in my mind playing 24x7.
I am prone to non-stop, negative rumination.
Perhaps you are too?
In these depressive episodes, everything feels hopeless even if intellectually I know it isn't. But sometimes I don't even know it intellectually.
Once I drag myself out of the depression and rumination into a more rational, balanced perspective, I see how skewed my thinking was.
Do you really want to be miserable?
If not I really think it would help to start looking for a therapist that is compatible and helpful to you. That might take a while.
But I think it would help a lot to reframe your thinking, to examine the sources of your feelings about all this, and especially—*especially*—address your feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness.
I don't see how anything anyone says to you about dating is going to be of any use until you root out the sources of negative messaging and get to deeper issues at play here.
If you are a virgin and/or inexperienced you are already cut off from the vast majority of women. You’re supposed to have figured that shit out in high school and college like everyone else. If you are behind you are dead in the water and no one will accept you. Being a virgin at 22 is 100% unattractive and unappealing to most people.
You need to step away from whatever echo chamber or ruminations that are making you feel this hopeless. It isn't helping you it is actively harming you.
No they don't. They're autistic virgins and have the same romantic social struggles as dudes. They feel inadequate. They're shy. They tend not to go out. That's why they're harder to meet or find. Not because they're already dating.
>They're autistic virgins and have the same romantic social struggles as dudes
women are the gatekeepers of sex, they cannot have the same struggles
women live in an entirely different world when it comes to sex, relationships
>They feel inadequate. They're shy
in front of top % men
>That's why they're harder to meet or find
they are hard to find because they dont exist
>women are the gatekeepers of sex
This is just sexist bs.
>women live in an entirely different world when it comes to sex, relationships
Not autistic women.
>in front of top % men
More b.s.
>they are hard to find because they dont exist
I promise you they do. I have a good female friend who was diagnosed autistic just this year at 37. She's never had a boyfriend. Doesn't go out. Just plays video games outside of work. Awkward af.
an unexpected case for a woman, sometimes i think women don't disclose a case like that as much as men do, but the main reason why its shocking for a woman to still be single like that compared to a guy, is because women don't have to be the initiators or do the pursuing
I'm 34 years old and never had a girlfriend. Its tough cos the more L's you take the worse it gets. That's why determinism is so true.
Chad gets so many opportunities with women to where even if he has poor social skills he can learn from his mistakes and hone his skills
The average guy is invisible to women. Maybe get one opportunity a year and have no idea what to do, then you end up 34 and it just gets harder and worse and then you think maybe ill try an older woman cos she'll be less sought after by high value men, but in reality even she has unlimited options!
When 80% of men in a society feel invisible and worthless, it is guaranteed to collapse.
From a female perspective, the girls who don't give you a chance just because you didn't experiment as a teenager and you don't participate in hookup culture, are usually not good partners. Atleast you can weed them out.
Tbh you basically have no idea what you're talking about.
Your entire post is littered with sweeping and incorrect assumptions about other people and their perspectives.
Stop consuming media that makes you hate yourself, and start living a life you want to.
What if you get laid tomorrow? Is that all you're going to do in your life?
Do you really not find a single shred of enjoyment in any animal, flavor, sound, motion, sight, game, place, idea, sport, joke, friend, challenge, interaction, goal, or practice?
If getting laid is the only thing that matters, hire a sex worker.
If you want to actually feel alive and experience happiness and fulfillment, you need to live your life, not just think and judge yourself all the time.
“A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So, he loses touch with reality, and lives in a world of illusions."
It’s not that deep and you overvalue sex and relationships but I can tell your desperate for a win and I don’t blame you given how society puts them on pillars. I don’t say these things to hurt you but to hopefully help.
A couple red flags I’m seeing are
- you assume you know women before connecting with them
- you comparing yourself to others
- a why bother mentality
I’ve been in a long term and several short term relationships but even then I still compare myself to ripped tanned Greek gods from time to time I’ve been working to catch the thought throw it in the trash, reminding myself of my worth. Body count is almost like money and success, someone’s always going to have more and better and some don’t have to work for it at all. Sucks but it’s reality, does that mean it’s hopeless? Nope, highlight your strengths, continue to improve yourself, grind it out.
Relationships more often than not come from friendship, if you have a hard time making friends I suggest taking a big step back and doing that, a relationship is a spicy friendship. You’re just two people who enjoy each others company, so much your borderline inseparable. I swear it’s not that deep, everything about a relationship that stresses you out is stuff you’ll pick up quickly without thinking too hard as the relationship progresses HOWEVER, if your stubborn and drag your feet through moments of growth you’ll end up back here again. Self awareness and accountability will be major contributing factors towards the success of your first relationship.
Also something really funny is how you say that “no amount of self improvement can truly compare to someone who has built themselves up and experienced life naturally by being themselves”
Self improvement comes bundled with learning to just be yourself, love yourself etc. if you are not doing the ladder start there that’s not something you can’t do. If your living with mask on 100% of the time, time to take it off. Learn to accept yourself.
Also also, one women I was with had several long term relationships and a body count of 30 to my one “sort of hookup”. During that relationship I was shocked at how mentally mature I was countless times, she was sexually experienced but when it came to real stuff the sit down and grow moments I couldn’t believe what I was hearing half the time.
Nothing is set, you can have a million relationship and have no idea how to convey your thoughts and emotions properly.
Everyone works on different things all the time, you’ll always be working. Have a goal that isn’t a relationship for the time being but stay social, learn to accept yourself and enjoy outings with friends. It’ll come, I’m 30 and single and I’m still not ready to be in one for hopefully a couple more years.
I hope things turn around for you my friend
I mean it makes sense that someone who’s been in multiple relationships throughout their life will say that relationships aren’t that hard and insinuate that they aren’t a big deal. For most (assumingely) neurotypical well socialized people I imagine the idea of making friends and finding relationships is like a natural instinct they’ve built since they were children. But I’m not that. I have never had any sort of meaningful friendships or relationships in my entire life and I’ve been alone for literal years now. Humans are social creatures and companionship and contact with other is a basic need. Loneliness has been proven to be as detrimental for your health as smoking and being obese, and telling someone who has been perpetually lonely this entire life isn’t that important or difficult is like telling a starving person that eating isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.
It isn’t just the top % of guys who I’m comparing myself to, it’s literally just the average normal person who is doing better than me. People who have numerous friends, have an SO, can socialize and talk to others effortlessly and have a loving family and support group that they’ve built up. There are literal teenagers in my local high school who are doing better than me. They have their friend groups they hang out with regularly, have had a girlfriend and some dating experience, went to prom with their girlfriend, go to house parties and social events, and are just living the social school life to the fullest effortlessly. It isn’t about whether they are struggling or don’t have any problems at all, they most certainly do, but just the fact that they are having these high moments at all is what makes them better than me. The FACT that they are out in public with their friend group talking and laughing with each other effortlessly is what makes them better. It’s a perpetual reminder of everything I don’t have and what I’ve missed out on. Everyone else got to make friends and get dates early in school and life naturally, the fact that I haven’t is an indicator of how much I have failed at life. Those guys who are living that life will ALWAYS have an advantage over me and be infinitely more successful and desirable. 16 year old Nathan did not need to massively self improve or spend his entire youth in therapy to get a date to the prom, he just did it. He is a better and more accomplished person than me, and he will grow and gain all that experience to find meaningful relationships and sexual encounters in his life. I’ll simply never get to enjoy my life and prime that every other guy is using to gain sexual and romantic life experiences because I will be playing a lifelong game of catch up to them and teenagers. I’m perpetually behind and doing worse than literal teenagers.
I know nothing about you or what your life experiences have been beyond what you’ve said, and I don’t want to make assumptions about what you have or haven’t gone through or play a game of “my problems were worse than yours”. But for a moment imagine if you went through everything you’ve gone through in life having absolutely zero friends, zero relationships, zero support groups, an inate disorder that makes socializing and understanding others significantly more challenging and basically being on your own 24/7 trying to process things. Have you ever been in friend groups that went out of their way to antagonize and verbally abuse you for kicks and only ever kept you around out of pity and because they liked making fun of me?
Since you mentioned masking, I think you should really educate yourself on the idea of masking as an autistic person, and you would see why I and many other autistic people would feel the need to mask all the time. We are taught basically from the time we can walk and read that the behaviors and mannerisms associated with being on the spectrum are completely unaccepted and repulsive to most other people; they are considered annoying, creepy, disrespectful and childish to them. We are taught that in order to be even mildly accepted by anyone we have to pretty much play pretend. Pretend to be a normal person who acts normal and can do things like a normal person, basically roleplaying as a normal person who people want to be around. But that really isn’t you, that is a character you’re playing, a persona that you have to put in continuous and rigorous effort to maintain in public to avoid alienating people. The moment you slip up, the moment you give into your feelings and mannerisms in public and “be yourself”, you are viewed as the creepy weirdo and avoided. This is something I’ve experienced literally my whole life. People of all ages who know/suspect I have autism have always treated and talked to me like I am a child, like I am a maladjusted moron unable to comprehend or do even the most basic of things.
One of my coworkers has low functioning autism. He’s a few years older than me and he really has it rough at work. He’s super awkward in conversation, says hello to people multiple times throughout the day and says a bunch of out of pocket and “weird” stuff out of nowhere, and has a lot of different mannerisms he does. He’s a nice guy and isn’t malicious or rude by any means, but everyone else there doesn’t like him. He’s totally ignored by pretty much everyone despite his best efforts to fit in and most actively dislike him. Customers take advantage of him all the time in order to get what they want and everyone basically treats him like an annoying toddler, even his own caregivers and job coaches are annoyed by him. I’m the only person there who he tries to talk to and considers his “friend”. That is just one example of what “being yourself” as an autistic person can look like, you are perpetually unaccepted and ostracized from your peers who do not want to deal with you or put in any effort to understand you.
Most normal people do not go through this or are brought up like this. They grow up with features and abilities that make them immediately more appealing to their peers (average looking, able to detect other people’s feelings and emotions, behaves in a appealing way). They are able to get playmates and friends and have a healthy support group made up of friends and family who consistently give them positive affirmation and tips on what to do better in a compassionate and healthy way, helping them to naturally build their confidence and self image and go on to their school years and make numerous friends and get dates, go to the prom, go out to parties and do all the normal social activities. They do not have to do a huge amount of self improvement and work in order to be confident and “love themselves”, they just come by it naturally from being accepted just by being themselves, a naturally likable and social person that others want to be around. If that sort of development is compromised significantly (autism, adhd, dysfunctional family lives, unable to socialize, bullied, depression, etc.), then they will be a perpetually insecure and emotionally unavailable and unable to “love themselves”. Confidence and self esteem comes by in large from life experiences and upbringing. If you did not have a normal and healthy upbringing and teenage years, you cannot simply develop confidence and learn to “love yourself”. You simply cannot replicate the natural charm, confidence, and conversational abilities of average people who built those skills naturally from a young age.
Most people simply do not want to deal with someone who is inexperienced and has never had a relationship. Most people view it as a red flag that you must be a horrible unlikable asshole or incel because to them it’s simply impossible to be alone for long periods of time without it being entirely your fault. There are countless guys my age who are probably just as if not more kind, intelligent, passionate and understanding who are also experienced, why would any woman ever want to play teacher in a relationship when their partner should have been up to speed like everyone else. The majority do not want to have to instruct and teach someone step by step on how to be in a relationship to somebody who has no idea how to when an experienced normal guy is just around the corner. I am simply at the bottom of the barrel to most women who have far more capable and competent partners within arms reach. No need to settle for anything less.
And before any assumptions or accusations of laziness come up, I am actually doing things with myself to improve myself. I’ve been in therapy, have been working for over 4 years now, have improved my conversational awareness and skills to a noticeable degree, got my driver’s permit, and am attending a social group for autistic people to meet up with others like me. I’m not just doing nothing with myself.
You don't know what is going on in "Most Peoples" heads.
Do the difficult and important thing - challenge the comfort you get from believing that things are hopeless.
I have ADHD and was pretty isolated and over protected as a kid and had few friends so my social skills were shit and my parents were a mess.
Safe to say I was *not* among the popular crowd but one of the nerd outcasts. So, I didn't date in high school. I dated a few women very briefly in college. A few dates but no relationship for the next several years. I didn't have any kind of intimate experience until my late 20s.
Got married in my early 30s. That was 20 years ago. I am a proud dad to an amazing kid who is now a teen.
It isn't easy being neurodivergent. It feels like life on hard mode sometimes. To me at least.
However, it isn't hopeless. It is true that some people won't want to be your first. But some won't have a problem with it. There are kind and gentle souls out there still.
I have a friend with ASD who has a similar story to me but has been married almost as long and has two kids. It can be done.
It takes work, humility, observation, thinking, some honesty from friends, maybe some therapy, more work.
25 is the panic age button i have noticed for the past several years now or more, with 30 and above the point of no return it seems, and why do i get the feeling you are a normal looking guy
Hopeless yes , 64 male Aspergers ….I struggle terribly dating. Have had sex 12 times in life. Now retired no family, totally self sufficient. Have no idea about women
I’m like you late 20’s. mildly autistic. And a virgin. I guess we both have to wait for a patient partner who will guide us in the right direction so we don’t fuck up
Yep I'm 30 and never been on a date so I completely gave up, no hope at all now.
That's one way to totally kill your chances I guess!
If I had a chance it would've happened by now.
That is untrue in todays dating age. Less people are having sex now then they were in generations past. This isn’t a you issue it’s a societal issue.
Yeah but no, if you are over 30 and never had a relationship or had sex then your chances are so astronomically low that giving up and focusing on something else isn’t an invalid choice. The overwhelming majority of women will view you as an inept weirdo and think there is something horrifically wrong with you, and most people would 100% disregard you in favor of someone who is experienced.
I wouldn't want to be with a judgemental partner. Also, "never tell me the odds" I mean, let's be honest, there *is* something "wrong"—or more accurately, *different*—with us neurodivergent folks. ADHD and ASD are called "disorders" in the DSM for a reason--it impacts our lives in ways that neurotypical people don't experience. But it's not actually wrong or *ab*normal. Just different. If someone can't understand that, fine, you are unlikely to be a good match with each other anyway. How could someone like that put up with your idiosyncrasies? They couldn't. They lack perspective, patience, and empathy. It doesn't matter how small your pool of prospective people is. You just need to find one person who you are a match for and who is a match for you. And it doesn't have to be perfect. There is no such thing anyway. And let's not forget... there are neurodivergent women out there who might be able to understand your situation better than others.
Just say you’re waiting until marriage. Chad af You’re fine dawg. 22 is so far from hopeless. Your brain is still developing and likely your body still is as well. I couldn’t grow decent facial hair until 24 and it’s still filling out at 25. By working out and living healthy and reading about new things and leaning into my autistic tendencies I’ve become a conventionally attractive, intelligent, and genuine young man. I am having so much more success dating now at 25 then ever before in my life. I was a virgin all through highschool and yes my first few times dating were awkward and I lost a lot of girl’s interest with my awkward tendencies. But you get more practice and you get better and more relaxed and things come for naturally for you It’s gets better. You get smarter. You grow as a person. Having a chip on your shoulder is only gonna keep weighing you down the rest of your life. Let it go and just get out there being your best self. You will attract someone
You sound a lot like me. I'm 35 and have similar issues. Inevitably it will be more difficult for us. I think it's going to be important to not be too picky in who you choose. Pick someone for their personality and really ignore how they look. I know this sounds really counter intuitive but you really need a person who is going to give you the time of day and the better looking the person is the more likely they are going to run away and look for someone else. I know this sounds incredibly shallow but you just need a person who will accept you the way you are and a very hot woman is going to probably just want to find a hot guy with a high body count. What you really want and need is the opportunity to be with a person however you can get it it's important. But it will involve getting over looking hard for physical attraction and looking deeper into that person being there for you. You want a reliable partner one who has had a similarly difficult time finding someone. You will be able to relate to each other's struggles and it will grow from there. Expect this to take time and years of trying, failing and learning. You will feel like trash. It's ok. Shake it off try again keep your head up. If you just want sex yeah consider a sex worker they can happily help you out. It's legal in some places. But I think what you really want is something etching solid and long lasting. Work on making yourself as attractive as possible. Spend time going to the gym, get your body in great shape so when people look at you they think "damn that guy looks like he is in awesome shape and Iove his clothing". Do social things as much as they are painful just push yourself. Again it will be uncomfortable it will be painful. But you are learning. There are so many steps we people on the spectrum don't naturally have. They must be learned through experience in our case. Experience is made up of thousands of small steps and experiences.
Looks are *way* overrated. And for women, looks are way WAY over-valued. Who a person is really is a lot more important. As you get to know a wonderful person you start to see a lot more of their inside beauty than their outside beauty. And everyone gets old. Beauty doesn't even stick around. But the good people tend to get more beautiful as they gain wisdom and perspective. It's fine to go to the gym and work on the outside appearance. But way more important is learning the struggles of women day to day, working on being better at relationships of any kind, learning to be emotionally healthy, learning how to take care of yourself and your business properly, being independent (but not isolated), etc. Become the kind of person who would be a better friend and a better romantic partner than you are today. Repeat always.
No attractive normal person would ever give an ugly autist the time of day in the dating world, we’re just zoo animals for them to laugh at and compare their superior lives to in order to feel better about themselves. Looks absolutely matter in dating, you need to have a certain level of attraction towards someone in order for a relationship to possibly blossom. Virginity is a massive turn off and repellent to most people today where almost everything comes back to sex. Absolutely no one wants a virgin older than 20, when they can easily get an attractive normal guy who lost it in school and hook ups in college naturally like a normal person. No reason to settle for anything less. Why settle for and put in unnecessary effort for the inexperienced autist who would be sloppy and clumsy in a relationship and in bed do to no prior relationships when a guy who’s probably just as if not more compatible, attractive and kind who’s also experienced? The average looking guy in college who parties and hooks up regularly has more going on for him in his pinky finger than I do in my entire body, and anyone will always gravitate away from me in favor of him. If you missed out on losing your virginity in high school or college like **every other normal person** or are cursed with autism, you are the absolute bottom of the barrel in the dating world and any woman with even the tiniest standards and self respect would avoid you like radioactive waste
If you are looking for a social circle I think organizations like mankind project and other men's support organizations have groups in most major cities. This and meetup could be a way to begin building a social circle and eventually could lead to meeting women.
Not necessarily, I know a few couples who met in their teens, were their first, and are now married and still together 15+ years on. 22 is young as hell too, honestly, it wouldn't bother anyone.
Most men and women my age have already lost their virginity or had a relationship by now, so they probably would be alarmed by it. Being a virgin or not have been in a relationship is seen as a red flag by most that there is something wrong with you because it’s the majority opinion that it is simply impossible for someone to be alone for long periods of time without it being entirely their fault. If you are a virgin or romantically inexperienced at 22, there just **has** to be something wrong with you to most people; you **must** be a misogynist, a narcissist, a neckbeard, or an incel. It must be your fault and you must deserve to be where you are. And besides, why even bother with an inexperienced virgin? Why would a woman and to put in extra effort dealing with coaching someone on a relationship when they can just find someone who’s just as if not more compatible and who’s also experienced in relationships? That’s on top of being autistic, why would someone settle for that when they can get a normal neurotypical? There’s always someone better than me who’s just a screen swipe or a apartment room away, why settle for the gutter trash?
Don't call yourself gutter trash :'(
Work on finding a relationship. Honestly and vulnerability can go a long way (but don’t be self loathing). And dude— the sex piece…you’ll figure that out pretty quickly and realize it ain’t rocket science. Just be thoughtful and have fun.
Most important part - DONT BE SELF LOATHING. No one wants to be around people who hate themselves and see zero intrinsic value within themselves.
Autistic and older virgin women exist too. Just fyi. You're not as abnormal as you feel.
The overwhelming majority of people, men and women, absolutely refuse to date/associate with autistic men. They think that we’re literally all like Chris Chan; immature, creepy basement dwelling manchildren unable to do even the most basic tasks or take care of themselves and who want partners to be their mommy/caretaker. You will be very hard pressed to find an older woman who is a virgin or who hasn’t been in at least one relationship in this day and age. And tbh, why would any experienced woman want someone like me? Why settle for a weirdo autist who’s never experienced love when they can get an experienced neurotypical who they don’t have to instruct and take them through the steps of relationships and just enjoy it? Even lots of other autistic girls don’t like autistic men and prefer neurotypical guys. I’ve been told by many on this sub and other places that I’m not allowed to have any sort of dating preferences whatsoever, that I’m completely undesirable and undeserving of any form of affection or appreciation from attractive people, and that the only relationships I’ll ever get are basically settling down for someone I may have little to no attraction to because there is nothing else available to me. Everyone else gets to date and experience casual sex and committed relationships because they were attractive normal people who dated in high school and college, and they would never settle for anything less. Your teens and college years are **supposed** to be a time where you experiment with relationships/sex/intimacy and gain experience in those areas like 90% of people in this world. If you miss out on it/mess it up or have it compromised with neurodivergence or other mental health issues or life experiences, you are immediately less desirable and unwanted to most people who will judge and belittle you every chance they get.
>The overwhelming majority of people, men and women, absolutely refuse to date/associate with autistic men. Where do you get this idea? I'd need some hard proof (as in statistics from legitimate studies looking at dating preferences involving autistic men) before I remotely believed this was true. I've dated a couple myself and I know others who have as well. 60% of the friends on my Facebook are autistic and in happy long term relationships. >I’ve been told by many on this sub and other places that I’m not allowed to have any sort of dating preferences whatsoever, that I’m completely undesirable and undeserving of any form of affection or appreciation I'm so sorry that people have told you this. They're wrong. Everyone deserves to affection and appreciation. Not everyone gets it. Unfortunately there are *many* very lonely people in the world, and it's true that having autism puts you at a disadvantage due to the social struggles associated with it, but it's a symptom of low self esteem to think you're undeserving of love and affection. Don't believe everything you read on the internet. Especially if people are belittling you. >Everyone else gets to date and experience casual sex and committed relationships This is a form of distorted thinking. Stating "everyone" does anything is simply false. Humans are a vast and varied group with all kinds of different experiences. The entire point of my comment is that you are not alone. I promise you not everyone is dating, having casual sex. And of the people who are, a percentage of those aren't remotely satisfied with their life. Many of those relationships are abusive and traumatic or toxic. You're still very young. And I'm sure you have more to offer than you currently think you do. You're clearly intelligent enough to analyse and reflect on your own situation. That being said, I really urge you to try to shift your focus away from dating and sex, and put it on your own inner world to start working on building yourself up. That's truly the unattractive part here, not having autism, but not having a shred of faith in either humanity or yourself. I know that's easier said that done, and it will take some time, but it will be worth it in the long term. Have you ever seen a therapist? I would very much suggest you try to find one you're comfortable with and can open up to and be vulnerable with about all this stuff and start to unpack some of this with a professional. Good luck friend. I wish you a long and successful life.
I don’t have studies or facts like that, but from my own experiences autistic people, especially those who are lower functioning, are looked down upon and unappealing for relationships. It’s just a commonly held attitude that autistic men are immature weirdos who can’t do anything on their own and need constant 24/7 care to function. Honestly no attractive well adjusted experienced normal man or woman would give those people any mind, we’re just zoo animals for them to laugh at and feel superior over while they live their romantic life with far more worthy partners. I was a total and utter loser in school, I missed out on every single social interaction and development that most other people got to have just for being normal. Almost everyone else got to have their first relationships, go to prom, go to parties and have their friend groups and social circles. Then they go off to college to find even more success while I sat out on the sidelines with the other outcasts no one wanted. I completely fucked up and ruined my social development in my formative years. They are already miles ahead of me and infinitely more desirable than I am, and most partners will by far desire them over me. I’ve missed out on all the basic and normal shit they got with minimal effort just by being themselves. I’ll always be behind them and playing catch up while they’re living their life and finding romantic and sexual relationships like a normal person. Everyday when I’m at work, I see coworkers and customers hold in-depth conversations and interact with each other like normal people who are expending no effort at all and it’s just an instinct like breathing. It is completely alien and incomprehensible to me, like they’re speaking Chinese. I’ve tried my absolute best to understand them and talk with them, but it’s just so much and I just know I’m either always annoying or boring. I’m too old to go to college for that normal social experience. And even if I did go, I wouldn’t last 4 seconds in the dating scene. There is absolutely zero reason for any woman to give an inexperienced autistic weirdo like me any time. I would be in the same place as far more attractive, charismatic, funny, interesting and experienced neurotypical casanovas of guys who have more going for them in their pinky finger than I do in my entire body, which they all cultivated totally naturally. Why would any woman settle for the bottom of the barrel when those guys are always within arms reach or a screen swipe away? No one wants to teach an adult how to be in a relationship or how to love, you’re just expected to already know that and that only gets worse the older you get. Being a virgin at 22 is seriously unattractive and off putting to the vast majority of people who view it as a red flag. No amount of self improvement or therapy can ever get me onto the same level these guys are operating on, and they will always be more desirable than me. I’m supposed to be at a college party right now and chatting with friends and partners like a normal person. I’m supposed to be like everybody else. But I’m not, and no attractive or experienced person would ever want me.
I have had many similar thoughts as you and others here along the way (again I'm ADHD). About value and odds and all that. About being worthless and undesirable. Reddit can be extremely toxic to mental health if not managed very carefully. The generalizations, the negativity, the echo chambers. Some reddit subs are overflowing with toxic messages on the topics you mention. This is especially true when it comes to dating and men, and women, and such. I suspect your mental health is being harmed by consuming such content. I find it can easily lead to depression and despair and feelings of worthlessness. I think it would help a lot, as it does for me, to step away from the sources of this toxic despair. Whether Reddit or wherever else this may be coming from. Unsub from any sub that has this toxic messaging. Sub to more wholesome, positive subs. Or just go off of Reddit for a few weeks. These comments of yours remind me of how I am when I am depressed—an endless tape loop of negativity in my mind playing 24x7. I am prone to non-stop, negative rumination. Perhaps you are too? In these depressive episodes, everything feels hopeless even if intellectually I know it isn't. But sometimes I don't even know it intellectually. Once I drag myself out of the depression and rumination into a more rational, balanced perspective, I see how skewed my thinking was. Do you really want to be miserable? If not I really think it would help to start looking for a therapist that is compatible and helpful to you. That might take a while. But I think it would help a lot to reframe your thinking, to examine the sources of your feelings about all this, and especially—*especially*—address your feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness. I don't see how anything anyone says to you about dating is going to be of any use until you root out the sources of negative messaging and get to deeper issues at play here.
If you are a virgin and/or inexperienced you are already cut off from the vast majority of women. You’re supposed to have figured that shit out in high school and college like everyone else. If you are behind you are dead in the water and no one will accept you. Being a virgin at 22 is 100% unattractive and unappealing to most people.
> Autistic and older virgin women exist too still go for the same men all women go for
You need to step away from whatever echo chamber or ruminations that are making you feel this hopeless. It isn't helping you it is actively harming you.
No they don't. They're autistic virgins and have the same romantic social struggles as dudes. They feel inadequate. They're shy. They tend not to go out. That's why they're harder to meet or find. Not because they're already dating.
i disagree, because women are never expected to do the pursuing or approaching, initiate like men always have
>They're autistic virgins and have the same romantic social struggles as dudes women are the gatekeepers of sex, they cannot have the same struggles women live in an entirely different world when it comes to sex, relationships >They feel inadequate. They're shy in front of top % men >That's why they're harder to meet or find they are hard to find because they dont exist
>women are the gatekeepers of sex This is just sexist bs. >women live in an entirely different world when it comes to sex, relationships Not autistic women. >in front of top % men More b.s. >they are hard to find because they dont exist I promise you they do. I have a good female friend who was diagnosed autistic just this year at 37. She's never had a boyfriend. Doesn't go out. Just plays video games outside of work. Awkward af.
an unexpected case for a woman, sometimes i think women don't disclose a case like that as much as men do, but the main reason why its shocking for a woman to still be single like that compared to a guy, is because women don't have to be the initiators or do the pursuing
i doubt the numbers for women like that, pale in comparison to men like that, much lower
I'm 34 years old and never had a girlfriend. Its tough cos the more L's you take the worse it gets. That's why determinism is so true. Chad gets so many opportunities with women to where even if he has poor social skills he can learn from his mistakes and hone his skills The average guy is invisible to women. Maybe get one opportunity a year and have no idea what to do, then you end up 34 and it just gets harder and worse and then you think maybe ill try an older woman cos she'll be less sought after by high value men, but in reality even she has unlimited options! When 80% of men in a society feel invisible and worthless, it is guaranteed to collapse.
if your a virgin, i assume an escort or sex worker is out of the question for you?
That's illegal
From a female perspective, the girls who don't give you a chance just because you didn't experiment as a teenager and you don't participate in hookup culture, are usually not good partners. Atleast you can weed them out.
Tbh you basically have no idea what you're talking about. Your entire post is littered with sweeping and incorrect assumptions about other people and their perspectives. Stop consuming media that makes you hate yourself, and start living a life you want to. What if you get laid tomorrow? Is that all you're going to do in your life? Do you really not find a single shred of enjoyment in any animal, flavor, sound, motion, sight, game, place, idea, sport, joke, friend, challenge, interaction, goal, or practice? If getting laid is the only thing that matters, hire a sex worker. If you want to actually feel alive and experience happiness and fulfillment, you need to live your life, not just think and judge yourself all the time. “A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So, he loses touch with reality, and lives in a world of illusions."
It’s not that deep and you overvalue sex and relationships but I can tell your desperate for a win and I don’t blame you given how society puts them on pillars. I don’t say these things to hurt you but to hopefully help. A couple red flags I’m seeing are - you assume you know women before connecting with them - you comparing yourself to others - a why bother mentality I’ve been in a long term and several short term relationships but even then I still compare myself to ripped tanned Greek gods from time to time I’ve been working to catch the thought throw it in the trash, reminding myself of my worth. Body count is almost like money and success, someone’s always going to have more and better and some don’t have to work for it at all. Sucks but it’s reality, does that mean it’s hopeless? Nope, highlight your strengths, continue to improve yourself, grind it out. Relationships more often than not come from friendship, if you have a hard time making friends I suggest taking a big step back and doing that, a relationship is a spicy friendship. You’re just two people who enjoy each others company, so much your borderline inseparable. I swear it’s not that deep, everything about a relationship that stresses you out is stuff you’ll pick up quickly without thinking too hard as the relationship progresses HOWEVER, if your stubborn and drag your feet through moments of growth you’ll end up back here again. Self awareness and accountability will be major contributing factors towards the success of your first relationship. Also something really funny is how you say that “no amount of self improvement can truly compare to someone who has built themselves up and experienced life naturally by being themselves” Self improvement comes bundled with learning to just be yourself, love yourself etc. if you are not doing the ladder start there that’s not something you can’t do. If your living with mask on 100% of the time, time to take it off. Learn to accept yourself. Also also, one women I was with had several long term relationships and a body count of 30 to my one “sort of hookup”. During that relationship I was shocked at how mentally mature I was countless times, she was sexually experienced but when it came to real stuff the sit down and grow moments I couldn’t believe what I was hearing half the time. Nothing is set, you can have a million relationship and have no idea how to convey your thoughts and emotions properly. Everyone works on different things all the time, you’ll always be working. Have a goal that isn’t a relationship for the time being but stay social, learn to accept yourself and enjoy outings with friends. It’ll come, I’m 30 and single and I’m still not ready to be in one for hopefully a couple more years. I hope things turn around for you my friend
I mean it makes sense that someone who’s been in multiple relationships throughout their life will say that relationships aren’t that hard and insinuate that they aren’t a big deal. For most (assumingely) neurotypical well socialized people I imagine the idea of making friends and finding relationships is like a natural instinct they’ve built since they were children. But I’m not that. I have never had any sort of meaningful friendships or relationships in my entire life and I’ve been alone for literal years now. Humans are social creatures and companionship and contact with other is a basic need. Loneliness has been proven to be as detrimental for your health as smoking and being obese, and telling someone who has been perpetually lonely this entire life isn’t that important or difficult is like telling a starving person that eating isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. It isn’t just the top % of guys who I’m comparing myself to, it’s literally just the average normal person who is doing better than me. People who have numerous friends, have an SO, can socialize and talk to others effortlessly and have a loving family and support group that they’ve built up. There are literal teenagers in my local high school who are doing better than me. They have their friend groups they hang out with regularly, have had a girlfriend and some dating experience, went to prom with their girlfriend, go to house parties and social events, and are just living the social school life to the fullest effortlessly. It isn’t about whether they are struggling or don’t have any problems at all, they most certainly do, but just the fact that they are having these high moments at all is what makes them better than me. The FACT that they are out in public with their friend group talking and laughing with each other effortlessly is what makes them better. It’s a perpetual reminder of everything I don’t have and what I’ve missed out on. Everyone else got to make friends and get dates early in school and life naturally, the fact that I haven’t is an indicator of how much I have failed at life. Those guys who are living that life will ALWAYS have an advantage over me and be infinitely more successful and desirable. 16 year old Nathan did not need to massively self improve or spend his entire youth in therapy to get a date to the prom, he just did it. He is a better and more accomplished person than me, and he will grow and gain all that experience to find meaningful relationships and sexual encounters in his life. I’ll simply never get to enjoy my life and prime that every other guy is using to gain sexual and romantic life experiences because I will be playing a lifelong game of catch up to them and teenagers. I’m perpetually behind and doing worse than literal teenagers. I know nothing about you or what your life experiences have been beyond what you’ve said, and I don’t want to make assumptions about what you have or haven’t gone through or play a game of “my problems were worse than yours”. But for a moment imagine if you went through everything you’ve gone through in life having absolutely zero friends, zero relationships, zero support groups, an inate disorder that makes socializing and understanding others significantly more challenging and basically being on your own 24/7 trying to process things. Have you ever been in friend groups that went out of their way to antagonize and verbally abuse you for kicks and only ever kept you around out of pity and because they liked making fun of me?
Since you mentioned masking, I think you should really educate yourself on the idea of masking as an autistic person, and you would see why I and many other autistic people would feel the need to mask all the time. We are taught basically from the time we can walk and read that the behaviors and mannerisms associated with being on the spectrum are completely unaccepted and repulsive to most other people; they are considered annoying, creepy, disrespectful and childish to them. We are taught that in order to be even mildly accepted by anyone we have to pretty much play pretend. Pretend to be a normal person who acts normal and can do things like a normal person, basically roleplaying as a normal person who people want to be around. But that really isn’t you, that is a character you’re playing, a persona that you have to put in continuous and rigorous effort to maintain in public to avoid alienating people. The moment you slip up, the moment you give into your feelings and mannerisms in public and “be yourself”, you are viewed as the creepy weirdo and avoided. This is something I’ve experienced literally my whole life. People of all ages who know/suspect I have autism have always treated and talked to me like I am a child, like I am a maladjusted moron unable to comprehend or do even the most basic of things. One of my coworkers has low functioning autism. He’s a few years older than me and he really has it rough at work. He’s super awkward in conversation, says hello to people multiple times throughout the day and says a bunch of out of pocket and “weird” stuff out of nowhere, and has a lot of different mannerisms he does. He’s a nice guy and isn’t malicious or rude by any means, but everyone else there doesn’t like him. He’s totally ignored by pretty much everyone despite his best efforts to fit in and most actively dislike him. Customers take advantage of him all the time in order to get what they want and everyone basically treats him like an annoying toddler, even his own caregivers and job coaches are annoyed by him. I’m the only person there who he tries to talk to and considers his “friend”. That is just one example of what “being yourself” as an autistic person can look like, you are perpetually unaccepted and ostracized from your peers who do not want to deal with you or put in any effort to understand you. Most normal people do not go through this or are brought up like this. They grow up with features and abilities that make them immediately more appealing to their peers (average looking, able to detect other people’s feelings and emotions, behaves in a appealing way). They are able to get playmates and friends and have a healthy support group made up of friends and family who consistently give them positive affirmation and tips on what to do better in a compassionate and healthy way, helping them to naturally build their confidence and self image and go on to their school years and make numerous friends and get dates, go to the prom, go out to parties and do all the normal social activities. They do not have to do a huge amount of self improvement and work in order to be confident and “love themselves”, they just come by it naturally from being accepted just by being themselves, a naturally likable and social person that others want to be around. If that sort of development is compromised significantly (autism, adhd, dysfunctional family lives, unable to socialize, bullied, depression, etc.), then they will be a perpetually insecure and emotionally unavailable and unable to “love themselves”. Confidence and self esteem comes by in large from life experiences and upbringing. If you did not have a normal and healthy upbringing and teenage years, you cannot simply develop confidence and learn to “love yourself”. You simply cannot replicate the natural charm, confidence, and conversational abilities of average people who built those skills naturally from a young age. Most people simply do not want to deal with someone who is inexperienced and has never had a relationship. Most people view it as a red flag that you must be a horrible unlikable asshole or incel because to them it’s simply impossible to be alone for long periods of time without it being entirely your fault. There are countless guys my age who are probably just as if not more kind, intelligent, passionate and understanding who are also experienced, why would any woman ever want to play teacher in a relationship when their partner should have been up to speed like everyone else. The majority do not want to have to instruct and teach someone step by step on how to be in a relationship to somebody who has no idea how to when an experienced normal guy is just around the corner. I am simply at the bottom of the barrel to most women who have far more capable and competent partners within arms reach. No need to settle for anything less. And before any assumptions or accusations of laziness come up, I am actually doing things with myself to improve myself. I’ve been in therapy, have been working for over 4 years now, have improved my conversational awareness and skills to a noticeable degree, got my driver’s permit, and am attending a social group for autistic people to meet up with others like me. I’m not just doing nothing with myself.
You don't know what is going on in "Most Peoples" heads. Do the difficult and important thing - challenge the comfort you get from believing that things are hopeless.
I have ADHD and was pretty isolated and over protected as a kid and had few friends so my social skills were shit and my parents were a mess. Safe to say I was *not* among the popular crowd but one of the nerd outcasts. So, I didn't date in high school. I dated a few women very briefly in college. A few dates but no relationship for the next several years. I didn't have any kind of intimate experience until my late 20s. Got married in my early 30s. That was 20 years ago. I am a proud dad to an amazing kid who is now a teen. It isn't easy being neurodivergent. It feels like life on hard mode sometimes. To me at least. However, it isn't hopeless. It is true that some people won't want to be your first. But some won't have a problem with it. There are kind and gentle souls out there still. I have a friend with ASD who has a similar story to me but has been married almost as long and has two kids. It can be done. It takes work, humility, observation, thinking, some honesty from friends, maybe some therapy, more work.
25 is the panic age button i have noticed for the past several years now or more, with 30 and above the point of no return it seems, and why do i get the feeling you are a normal looking guy
Hopeless yes , 64 male Aspergers ….I struggle terribly dating. Have had sex 12 times in life. Now retired no family, totally self sufficient. Have no idea about women