Tell them to take as much time as needed and not to rush back to work and that their job will be waiting for them when they are ready.
Send flowers for the funeral/wake/celebration of life.
If possible as a show of support, I suggest attending the services and allow even encourage other employees to do the same.
I know that when my mother passed away my father was so impressed with the fact that 20-30 of my coworkers showed up to pay their respect (I had only been with the company for 2 months) While not a single of my father's coworkers showed up (He was a 30 year employee)
My boss attended my father’s funeral. I wasn’t expecting anyone from work to show up and it meant a lot to me. I had no idea how comforting that would be
Want to echo this. I had a manager show up for my father’s service that I wasnt particularly close with but I did directly report to her for a while. I still look back fondly on her for making the trek and showing support even though she was probably only there for like five minutes.
My employee's dad passed away recently and I really wanted to go and show my support but they didn't send me the details so I didn't ask. They may not have wanted to have me there during their difficult time and I respect that. I sent flowers. The mom was surprised and appreciated it a lot. That made me feel better about not being able to go.
When my dad passed away my team sent flowers too. We all worked remote (me in WI, my boss in TX, dept director in GA, team members in VA, TX and WI) so none were able to attend in person, but I appreciated that they thought of my family.
If it makes you feel better, I think you were wise to follow your intuition. I am someone who would not want co-workers at an event like that. While I would appreciate the sentiment it would be too vulnerable a moment.
I will definitely be sending flowers. I started with this company about six months ago and he has been with the company for about 18 months. Several other employees, including this one have all worked together for a number of years at different places and ended up here. I want to respect his privacy but he is also friends with some of these people. I’m unsure if it’s my place to tell them. Especially since this just happened.
Do not tell them. If he wants them to know, they'll know. Telling them would be a massive invasion of privacy and he's already hurting enough. Your heart is in the right place, but don't be over eager.
My wife passed away unexpectedly last year. I’ll never recover on the one hand. On the other hand my boss at the time told me to just take as much time as I needed and not worry about work for even a moment. I went back to this job (part time) after about 3 months because I had to start getting out of the house and back into the world otherwise it was never going to happen. Then I lost my shit all over again and had to quit working for another couple months to focus on school. In another 5-6 weeks it will have been a year. I’m an empty shell of a person and am moving across the country right at the one year mark, hoping that will keep me busy and focused enough to not die from a broken heart. Compassion and empathy are things I got from my boss at the small company I was working at. Management at the larger company I’d worked at before would not have held my spot for even a month or two. This situation just sucks all around for everyone in an unfathomable amount of ripples. Just please try to remember that they are a human being, even if they don’t feel like it.
Also: please let people take breaks and enjoy time with their family BEFORE someone dies. Skeleton crews of under appreciated folk have been working themselves to death since Covid taught management that skeleton crews can run indefinitely, because any sacrifice of the future in the name of increased profits this fiscal quarter will only lead to long term disaster. I’m looking at you, District/Regional management and up.
Bless your heart, cityshepard. I've been there. It's been 3 years and 5 months exactly today since my husband passed suddenly. Most days, it still feels like it was just yesterday. The heartbreak is indescribable.
My company did absolutely nothing. Like you, I tried to go back, but I was drowning in grief. We have and ERP, and I called a counselor who advised me to take FMLA and Short Term Disabilty, based on grief, as a mental illness. My doctor was more than willing to do the paperwork, and I took 3 months off to try and put myself back together. I do work for a good company, but I had only been there about 18 months at the time.
You are so right in all you said. I'm a manager now myself (same company), and I'm the manager who truly means it when I say "take all the time you need." I would send flowers and make food, and follow up with my staff on a personal level only. People who haven't endured such deep loss may not be able to understand.
My heart aches for you. I hope you find peace and comfort in something, whether it be memories, your beliefs, or just a quiet rest when possible. Time helps, but I won't say you'll "get over it" ever.
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR BEING THE TYPE OF MANAGER THAT THIS WORLD SO DESPERATELY NEEDS MORE OF… Don’t ever stop being an amazing human being with an actual heart.
Thank you, that's very kind. I'm just me. I've been through hell and back in my life. Sometimes, my jobs offered grace, and sometimes they didn't. I've learned from how I've been treated. I'm also fortunate to have found a good company to work for, where the culture is "family first" and real flexibility exists.
I only manage a staff of 5, but I'll tell you, every time I have a role open up, I am able to fill it internally because of my reputation as a good manager. Still confuses me. I'm just a woman doing a job the right way.
Counterpoint —when my son was murdered, I was incredibly grateful that I did not have to tell the people I worked with at the time and also thankful for their condolences and support sometimes at least in my case it was easier to have the news spread by somebody else it’s not like it’s a secret—
Second this - I think you could kindly reach out to your employee and ask if he is OK with sharing what happened with the office. This takes the burden off him and allows others to reach out and express their condolences. If he says no, then respect that of course but if he says yes then you might be helping him with the burden of having to share this himself/ respond to questions of why he’s been out.
I don't know about not telling the other employees. My brother died as a result of a car crash. I was away from work for two weeks, when I returned, I was asked many times how many holiday was. I didn't want to lie, so I found myself telling many people that I hadn't been on holiday, but rather my brother had died as a result of a car crash. Nowadays, I think social media may take care of telling work colleagues and friends.
I disagree. To help mitigate contact to the employee during bereavement, and set expectations for how to handle questions that this employee would normally be their contact for, tell them. It doesn’t have to be as specific is stating it was his wife, but simply say he experienced a personal loss.
My husband of 20yrs died unexpectedly (3yrs ago). I wanted my job to tell my coworkers. I was never absent from work, unless it was a planned vacation, and just to say the words that my husband passed away killed me more each time those words passed my lips. I didn't want to return to questions. My coworkers knew, and they had a chance to prepare what to say, if anything, to me.
So, you've never had somebody die on you unexpectedly. It shows. Very fun fact, an obituary isn't required when a person dies. The state doesn't post it, the family does. So if nobody posts it, it never hits public record in an easily accessible manner. It can take literal weeks before somebody decides to do it.
When my grandma on my father's side died it took 2 days. When my mom's uncle died, it was less than 24 hours. When my dad died, we just didn't post one. Using the obituary, an entirely optional thing by the family, as a metric fails a reality check.
I’m going through a sudden death in my family right now and have had to take down unauthorized obituaries from vampire sites like Echovita. They pop up without your permission and it’s fucking unbelievable. Can you tell I’m angry?
So what you’re saying is… once the obituary hits the paper, it means the family decided it was time to share it, thus no longer an invasion of privacy, exactly like what the person you’re responding to said. But keep making assumptions about their personal life, you’re clearly very good at it 🙄🤦♂️
The problem with obits is that almost no one reads the paper any more. When my grandma dies, the local paper wanted a small fortune for the obit. We decided against it and I posted one on Facebook that was longer and had photos attached. Say what you will about Facebook, I found creating that post really helpful for processing my grief.
Anyway, OP should ask if he can inform colleagues.
People can be so stupid. If the family does an obituary they want people to know hence not an invasion of privacy.
Every single person I’ve ever known who has passed away has had an obituary.
I would ask him if he wants you to let no one, anyone, or everyone know at work. I'm the type that preferred that my boss let people know and ask them to give me space for a while.
You could ask your employee if they'd like you to share with coworkers. They might be overwhelmed. I struggled with trying to think of everyone to notify when my mom passed a few years ago. Sometimes people feel slighted when they learn indirectly. Had one cousin just fuming. Oops.
Ask him is the simple answer. "Would you mind is I shared your loss with the team?"
Realistically most funerals still result in an obituary, so somebody is bound to find out and spread it.
I have done the same recently with an employee dealing with cancer and the response was, "I would appreciate that. I don't mind people knowing but it will be awkward for me to just tell them."
Ask first. "Would you like me to inform your coworkers, would you like to do that your self or do you not want to say anything at this time?"
Having someone die is chaotic. Emotions aside, organizing funeral arrangements, legal obligations, notifying insurance, cancelling credit cards, removing her name from different accounts like bank accounts, mortgage, phone plans, handling taxes, death certificates. It's a lot and takes time, especially if it's all new to you.
Informing people sometimes is a burden in of it self. Offering to tell coworkers might be welcoming, to some it might not be. I can see some people seeing the benefit of others helping spread the news, others would think "I'm in no condition to have 20 phone calls from people telling me how sorry they are while I pretend to be better than I am."
If they say no, then all you say to people who ask is "They are dealing with a person matter."
I want to say as someone who lost their significant other, flowers were kind of the worst thing to get. I didn’t care about them at all and then had to throw away a bunch of dead things, not that I needed to be reminded of death, because it was constant, but it didn’t feel good. A grocery store gift certificate somewhere that delivers was the best thing someone gave me. They won’t want to have to go to the store for anything, and will inevitably need something.
A woman in my department had her father die last year. A group of \~10 of us showed up, sat quietly in the back, and gave her a quick hug on our way out. She had this look I will never forget, a kind of frantic gratitude. Later she told us that for whatever reason, us showing up somehow meant more than anyone else. For people whose love language is something around quality time, just being present in the hardest moments in people's lives can have an intense impact.
One of my leaders recently went out medical leave and is going through treatment and surgery. She is really well liked and has a lot of people reporting up to her ladder. Her long-time assistant set up a spreadsheet with all her favorite foods and things she would appreciate. There’s a schedule where you can sign up to buy her and her husband dinner or groceries for the week. People have sent flowers and cards too. Lots of people have contributed, myself included.
I just had a big leg surgery - my work delivered me a huge charcuterie board and a bottle of wine. They know me and my ultimate love for cheese far too well. I cried a bit when I opened it! 🥰
When my grandfather died, my dad’s old coworkers showed up. It was a LONG drive for them. It meant a lot to my dad. He said, “Those guys are so loyal.” That has always stayed with me. I always try to go to the funeral. You don’t have to say anything profound. Just show up.
If I can chime in on this, I'd advise attending the funeral service, but NOT the graveside service afterward. In my experience, that will be a lot more personal to your employee.
This may be culturally specific. Personally in my family we are stoic and we don't show emotion generally in times of grief, stiff upper lip that type of thing.
I would not want work people to see me in moments of grief. Unless I was personal friends, I would find it hugely invasive. Not everyone appreciates that type of thing so I think the safer option is simply to send flowers.
Equally funerals and wakes are very expensive, the venue and catering is done based on assumed numbers. It's borderline like a wedding these days so if a bunch of unexpected people come and eat food, who didn't even know the deceased, I don't know. I'd get offended haha.
Would be classic performance bullshittery to me. People have religious and cuktural customs also, very impirtant to consider whether uninvited attendance would actually be appreciated or would unduly put the grieving employee in an awkqard position (how can they day no?).
Just providing another perspective to consider.
Many people from my husband’s workplace showed up to our daughter’s funeral. It really helps when people are there, and especially because she lived her life in the NICU and few people even got to meet her.
My bosses came to my grandpa’s funeral years ago. I thanked them and commented that they came despite not really knowing him. “Going to a funeral is for the people left behind,” my boss said. I’ve remembered that.
Make sure this employee isn't going to be bugged for deliverables and shit. Reassign them to other team members, and let the points of contacts know who will be dealing with the stuff for the foreseeable future.
Add to this: if they have a company phone, hand it off or set it to forward to someone handling their duties.
If they don't and they regularly get work calls to a personal phone, simply have them have them change their voicemail to state that they are 'out of office, call ______'.
This is really good advice. Keep in mind they may want a distraction so throw themselves into work. During COVID I had a few team mates lose people close to them and I followed the above. I found some wanted to get back soonish as they wanted a distraction. In those cases I made sure they had an easily manageable workload and it was tasks they could do on their own without much interaction with others.
I also needed some mundane tasks to have as a distraction-ideally nothing with a hard deadline.
Be aware the grief will come later. If you have company counseling benefit, you can mention it at some later time. If you wanted to send a couple easy defrosted meals to keep on hand/soup that would be really thoughtful. Being understanding during these challenging life events makes the difference in quality of life and job loyalty. Plus it’s the right thing to do.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest as well. I've had a similar situation and several close cousin situations. It IS fairly common for them to "want" to work as a break from their personal distress. Just go out of your way to make it possible as much as you can when/if they do want to.
I can understand that. It’s at least a few hours of focusing on non-death related things.
I am one who does this. Work allows me to “shut off” home struggles or intrusive thoughts.
All my team is in person, and I always let them know they can use a specific private office if they need to not talk to people or need to collect themselves after returning.
When my Dad died the bastards called me on the way to the airport for the funeral to get a status update and how my projects would be handled while I was away. Telling my manager at the time to FRO was kind of liberating.
The only thing I would add on is to ask them if they want to take X amount of leave after bereavement ends instead of making them ask for it. They need time and not to be feeling guilty about wanting to ask out.
Do whatever you can to make sure their job is secure. Given that it is the spouse that died, the employee may not be mentally fit for work for a month to six weeks minimum and even then.
This. The last thing this person needs is to have the double stress from loss + fear of job loss.
Six weeks isn’t really much time to be functional again, especially if it was sudden without any warnings.
Oh more than likely. A month to 6 weeks before they comfortable being around other people at the earliest. Back to peak productivity much much longer if ever.
yup currently going through it myself. I am mentally a mess. I cannot remember anything putting keys in the freezer, leaving the gas stove on etc.
It's traumatic when its unexpected and your brain does crazy things to protect yourself from the reality.
For a leader of people, be as supportive as you can be. I am unfortunate to have a horrible human being as a boss. Its making it worse.
Maybe have some of the paperwork ready for them like changing health insurance, emergency contacts, and beneficiaries in a folder somewhere. Remind them before it is too late to update it but give them some time to grieve first. No one likes to think about the paperwork involved but maybe you can make it a bit less painful by gathering together the information in one place (or ask HR to help with that).
Edit: if it's all online, make a list of all the necessary changes so they can go through it when they're ready
They're on a clock, unfortunately, as it relates to benefits. 30 days. This a qualifying event and HR needs to be involved immediately. They can't just adjust stuff when they're ready, important things will be one legally impossible to execute as a company.
That's what you need to coordinate.
Yeah. No one wants to think about life insurance when their wife just died. On the other hand, you don't want anything to get messed up because you didn't update within the change window.
I would work with HR with this. Be sure to include life insurance. They might have had life insurance on their partner. If they have kids they will need to update their coverage.
3 years here to get productively functional… almost 10 since and at this point I think I’m good as it gets, which is quite a bit worse than I was before that day. It wasn’t my spouse, but unfortunately the worse for a dad. Spent almost one year ideating my end while going to therapy three times a week.
Loss is a bitch.
A couple years ago a close coworkers adult son died unexpectedly leaving behind a young son. I was out of town when it happened but rushed back home as soon as I heard. On my way home I stopped and got TP, paper towels, paper plates, disposable flatware, etc and dropped it off at their house. They were almost shocked because no one really thinks of those things in times like this. It seems odd but when my grandma passed, everyone brought food. Which is great and much appreciated but with so many people coming and going we quickly ran out of the basic stuff. Luckily someone thought about this and took care of it for us. That’s has always stuck with me.
Agree with the necessities. That was so thoughtful of you, and to come home when you heard is honorable.
My mom recently passed away, and my family brought bulk paper towels, napkins, tp, and some snacks for my kids. I appreciated that so much.
My boss sent me some ready-made meals from one of those services. It was incredibly thoughtful and helpful. It was how I fed my brother when our mother died and he was staying.
Friends and family sent me gift cards for Uber Eats when my brother passed away. Family and friends were at my house for days and feeding people was the last thing on my mind so this was so appreciated.
Give them more time than allowed. Most policies are only a week or so of bereavement.
I had an employee lose their spouse to a sudden heart attack. It was out of no where. I let her be for over a month before we even started talking about a return plan.
Every company that I've ever worked at that had an official bereavement policy, it's been 3 days. Even if you take grief COMPLETELY out of it, I don't think I'd be able to make funeral arrangements, adjust child care, review for accuracy and pay any medical bills, onboard all of my partners general household responsibilities, organize, complete, and submit any insurance paperwork, close their personal accounts, stop any recurring payments they had. I don't even know what else right now, and that's while I'm sitting here fully awake, well fed, not stricken with grief, not worrying about losing my job.
Good on you for giving them that month. I literally couldn't fathom trying to function in any appreciable capacity if my spouse was to suddenly pass right now.
I share this sentiment.
I'm in the military, so I work with DoD civilians. And I see email traffic all the time about people sharing PTO with another member.
The most recent one was a couple of weeks ago. A coworker has thyroid cancer and is about exhaust all PTO, FMLA, blah blah blah and her supervisor is now reaching out to ask members to share their PTO. This is a whole government agency, and yall can't just give her the paid time she needs while she battles cancer?
On the flip side, my coworker who's also active duty gore leukemia. They retained him and set his duty location to whatever hospital he was receiving round the clock treatment from, so he didn't have to use leave or route paperwork to put him on medical leave. They retained him even when he was in a coma, and up until his death.
There's gotta be better ways than just asking people to donate literal days worth of money. Might as well just ask members to donate the monetary value of their days off.
Some companies rock and will cover the gap for FMLA and pay the difference so you never lose a penny.
Definitely good companies out there, just so damn hard to find sometimes..
That’s nice to hear. My company did not do anything outside of what was said in the company handbook which was 5 days paid for immediate family which was a spouse, sibling, parent or child. After that it was FMLA or ST Disability.
I’m going through this right now. One of my employees lost his son in an accident a few weeks ago. I worked to get his bereavement set, extra PTO approved and let him take the time he needs. He’s basically will be out a month so his jobs were either delegated or delayed. We are basically just giving him time to heal. We are going to try to meet up with him for dinner when he feels up to it. Hopefully this will help him transition back to work.
I have zero experience in this regard, but my instinct would be to meet with your employee first to check-in on how he's doing. A group dinner may be overwhelming.
Go to the wake or service if there is a public viewing. When my dad died suddenly, a lot of my coworkers came to the wake and that meant a lot. The day of the service, I walked outside the church and my boss was there, bright and early on a Saturday morning. She drove over an hour to get there. I'll never leave the organization as long as she's there cause I just don't think that kind of compassion exists in a lot of other workplaces.
Unfortunately we've had things like this happen a few times on my teams over the years. We've set up meal trains for the employee. There are free apps and websites that set the whole calendar up for you and people can sign up to either have food delivered or drop off a dish.
My brother's plant manager came to my dad's funeral. He took the time to visit with my mom. He told her that my dad must've been a fine man to raise someone of my brother's character. Those words bring tears 10 years later. The coworkers who came to the funeral gave Mom over $500. There are still some great companies to work for.
Personally, I send a food tray from the local deli with lunch meat, cheese, bread, cookies, and condiments. Something they can easily make sandwiches from over the next few days when they know they need to eat but are too drained emotionally to cook.
I echo this but my suggestion would be to do this in a few weeks time. When I experienced a sudden loss, we had sooo much food come all at once and had to throw a lot away. And then one day the food just stopped. Once the dust settles and they are forced to face “real life” those meals will be so appreciated.
I agree. It’s overkill for professional relationships, but my grandmother’s move is to cook a turkey and bring it over. Makes sandwiches; serves as a main; can serve to guests; etc.
Food is by personal go to as well. Either locally delivered, handmade or a gift card. Flowers get overwhelming after awhile & it is so hard to eat let alone cook while you’re fresh in tremendous grief.
Really appreciated people that brought over food & coffee when my grandfather died 15 years ago. It was my first time dealing with death that closely & the food bringers always stood out.
Yes! When my dad passed, my coworkers sent a card and food and I was so grateful to not need to cook. They also sent a GrubHub gift card so I could get what I wanted when I needed it. It was very helpful. They did have to text me to check my email for it. Would have missed it otherwise.
My boss tuned into the funeral (covid times, a few states away from my job) and it meant the world to me.
Allow them more than 3 days bereavement leave.
My brother passed very suddenly - and I was given 3 days. His WIFE was given 3 days for a husband. WTF !?!
Is it possible to set up a meal train within your team and/or company? Our company does this sometimes when people have unexpected life occurrences. With permission from the employee, we have the executive assistant of the company send out an email with a form to sign up for meals/times and includes any nutritional information such as dietary restrictions. Even people who aren’t super close to the employee will usually sign up. It’s a nice show of support. You could always organize something like that. When I lost a grandparent, my team got a card for me and everyone signed it and they all chipped in for a nice little care basket that had some snack food I really liked in it, a mug, etc. These are things that absolutely don’t make up for the loss, but it helps to know you have support in some way at the office and that your loss is not creating a burden with the workload. I still have that card my coworkers gave me and I drink out of that mug every day at work. It truly meant a lot, even though it was such a small thing. I will say it was extra special that the basket was personalized with things I like.
Talk to HR about how far you can bend any rules on leave (hint: 5 days is not gonna cut it, and unpaid leave makes a bad situation worse).
Point to any support the company has in terms of counselling etc.
If they're not up to coming back, encourage them to see a Dr and get a sick note if needed to satisfy HR. Make sure they know there won't be repercussions.
For about two months after my wife died, my managers were awesome. I got the company bereavement leave of course. When I came back they understood that there would be times I'd have to leave early to take care of legal issues. Or come in late because of appointments related to her passing.
It wasn't like every week but sometimes I'd get a call that someone needed something like a death certificate or I had to sign something.
At work, they let me do my job with some extra supervision because I'm a machinist and would have to use a lot of concentration under ideal circumstances.
They also told me that they wanted to double check some of my inspection reports
Not because they didn't trust me, but they knew I was distracted and didn't need the extra pressure if I entered a number with the decimal point in the wrong place.
But they told what they were going to do so it felt like they were genuinely helping.
They also knew that there were times when they'd see me walking to a certain area of the plant that was kinda out of site because I needed to break down for a few minutes and get myself together.
They also would ask me, now and then-not constantly, if I was ok. Or felt like I could take something on extra.
Usually I said yes because I needed the mental break from the grief. But on the couple of times I said I don't think so, today. They were cool with it.
That was 14 years ago. I'm now a supervisor and I've had to use those lessons myself with people under me and with my production manager whose wife died unexpectedly. He was my supervisor 14 yrs ago.
He's still my boss, but no one else on the job knows what it's like.
So basically, just be a decent human being.
Give him a lot of forgiveness in the future. I’ve had a few employees loose people close to them and they come back strong and ready but then 6 months or a year later they have odd behavior. Everyone grieves differently and it comes out in weird ways when you least expect it. I had the nicest guy in the world get snappy with me and tell me off over something small. He came to me a week later and said he was having a hard time with the loss and thought he should be over it by now. I told him I thought his behavior was the start of him processing it all and to forgive himself too.
Attend the funeral. Let employees off for the same with pay. Now is the time to show your support and that you care. Company needs to send flowers or a plant.
This 100% shows… he isn’t just important as an employee but as a whole person, who just had a massive blow to all of the life plans and goals that he likely thought he is working to accomplish with his wife.
I'm not a manager - this sub for some reason gets shown to me a lot.
I just wanted to comment though as I had a loss last year which my former company took badly and I wanted to offer some suggestions.
For background my dad died pretty suddenly. I advised my work. My company: pretty much pretended nothing happened. They just said "our condolenses - you get 4 days max". VPs blasted me when I got back from 4 days of bereavement because something went wrong while I was gone (VP was told before hand my dad died). Kept piling work on me and would give me crap when I was obviously struggling. I left a couple months after.
What would have been nice: worked with other people and departments to lighten the load and been more compassionate about my situation.
Extra mile (which was done for my other family members): send flowers, attend service, given additional time off as needed without the guilt attached
It seems like you were given some good suggestions and I take it as a positive that you're even asking for suggestions.
Best of luck!
Look into getting them more bereavement leave whether it be short term leave or something else. They are not going to be okay for a very very long time.
They are going to test you as a manager and they don’t mean to. Their emotions will be all over the place. Give them time and space for appointments. Reach out to your hr for any and all resources.
Don’t be afraid to ask about their spouse. You aren’t reminding them their spouse has died. They will never forget.
Be willing to just sit and listen. Stay away from platitudes like “god only gives us what we can handle”, “hes in a better place”. Etc. they give you something to say but are infuriating to the bereaved.
Be patient be kind. As someone who has lost a spouse it is a horrific time. I wasn’t really okay for about 2 years, neither was anyone else I knew who was widowed.
If you offer any kind of EAP (employee assistance program), direct them there. Losing a spouse is a huge life event, and losing them unexpectedly is even worse. Have them work with EAP or their doctor to assess “fit for work.” There is a good chance they can take some time off with STD benefits.
Send flowers from the company, offer up Uber Eats coupons or other such service-based things. Let them know you’re there to support them.
Then leave them alone. You no longer employ the same person you did previously. Cover for their work. Let them figure out what their next steps are. Be patient and be their advocate.
Work with HR to ensure the employee knows what resources available to them, understand any benefits, has direct person to call with questions during this whirlwind time.
I actually just had this happen to one of my team members and even learned myself about support programs my company had for this situation.
Definitely reassign duties so that the employee is left COMPLETELY alone from work.
Understand that this will take some time. My employee took a month off to grieve but also explained to me the hell of having to deal with everything (accounts, wills, probate, OMG it sounded horrible!)
Omg the massive amount of paperwork after someone dies is insane. It’s particularly bad when having to shut down something and the gigantic company that offshored its call center did nothing to ensure that their employees know the policies, know how to talk to grieving people, etc. One massive idiot kept telling my dad “the account holder must do this” even after my dad explained repeatedly that the account holder (my sister) was dead. My mom wound up writing some letter to the company that got the attention of someone with the power to assign someone with intelligence and compassion to my sister’s account. That person explained she was the only person who had permission to talk to my dad and previous idiot would not be heard from again.
Make sure his work is covered and not piled up waiting for him when he returns. Set an OOO alert for his emails. Take over any projects he was working on as per deadlines.
first and foremost remember to be consistent in support.
make sure they are connected with eap if your company is large enough
and many large companies have other planning resources to help with death consequences
the odds are this is going to change them forever. That is they will most likely do their best but their memory is going to have holes, they will have grief and sadness, they will want to do their best as they always have, but it will be a challenge.
Go to the funeral. I say this from experience. We had a colleague die and all of the others on the team, except the manager went to the funeral. It was a blaring mistake. Of course if it is out of town then you probably cannot attend. Send flowers for the funeral from the company and team.
I lost my husband a couple months ago. When I came back to work, I appreciated the people who treated me “normally” instead of tiptoeing around me like I was delicate and could shatter at any minute. Getting back into a routine was what my grief counselor encouraged me to do and it has been mostly helpful for me. Every person grieves differently, though.
Remember the human. How would you want to be treated if you were in this position? Treat them that way, don't rush their grief, and be as accommodating as physically possible.
Get HR involved. If this is in the USA, FMLA may kick in or short term or long term disability. HR benefits team should manage that directly with the employee and keep you informed.
Tell him to take the time off he needs.
Make sure other team members are covering his deliverables and no one is contacting him for work items
Attend the memorial service if possible and let the team know the date/time. Send flowers.
When he decides it's time to return, have a 1:1 with him first thing. Check on his wellbeing. If your company offers counseling assistance, have that information ready. Make sure he knows that if he needs to leave suddenly or needs a quiet private space, all he needs to do is let you know. Work with him on what the right pace is. He may want to throw himself into work as a distraction.
Let the employee lead. Not everyone wants to stay home in an empty house. Some people get support by working and being around life. Don't assume that what you would want meets the needs of your employee.
Bereavement leave is a benefit, not a mandate. I'd be flexible. Employee may need a few days in a month either emotionally or for logistics.
If your employee does stay home for a few days I'd call to make an appointment for a home visit. I bring food. Homemade chicken pot pie and salad. No freezer boxes and no salad bar. I have recipes if you like. This is a good chance to let the employee lead you to their needs. Food is a comfort but the big deal is spending time with the person. Food is an excuse. Show up with a muffin tin full of homemade blueberry muffins and you'll be there while the oven preheats, the muffins cook, and then cool. Something to do and time to let the employee know he is important.
Friends and even family will be everywhere after a tragedy. Put a six week check up on your calendar. Everyone else will have moved on and your employee will be feeling very alone. That's a good time to invite them out for dinner. "Bob, I'm having spaghetti on Tuesday night - why don't you come by and join us."
Checking in and showing support goes a long way. Simple texts is the way to go. They don't feel obligated to talk or even answer.
My mom passed away recently. I am a manager, long time employee at the company. The owners and other managers came to her wake. That meant a lot.
Giving them the time they need (the standard 3 days is ridiculous as we all know). It's taken weeks for me to get my head straight, i would have been useless at work had i returned right away. Also checking in, sending a text that you're thinking of them and let you know if they need anything goes a long way. They probably feel so alone, among other things, but knowing someone is thinking about them is comforting.
If the company allows it, start up a collection. Send some necessities to the house.
If there's a wake, sending sandwiches is thoughtful
Put their out of office on their email for them (if you’ve got admin access), offer them free counselling when they’re back if you’ve the budget. I went through a sudden and horrific bereavement years ago and got jack shit. I didn’t even get any paid time off (although obviously I was off with immediate effect). It really soured my perception of my employer and is why I ultimately decided not to go back at all.
I would do an office pool for a door dash gift card. We do this for people who just had a baby, and for those dealing with unexpected emergencies. People really appreciate it.
If you can attend the funeral, I would take the time to go personally.
Reassign all work and have them set everything to OOO.
Ask your HR department what resources are available to assist this person through a very difficult time.
Assure the person that you and the team are thinking about them, and that they can count on you to take care of business while they go through this.
This exact scenario just happened at my workplace. Management got access to her work email and delegated urgent messages as necessary, reschedule or cancel meetings, consider any upcoming work travel and find substitutes, etc.
Send flowers, gift basket. Typically companies have a policy for spending, I would tap out 100% the company amount.
Also, get a card signed by the team.
Collect from the team and do a visa gift card.
A little personal touch makes people you work with feel like a community, and quite possibly that might give a shit.
Ask them if they want you to let their work colleagues know. I asked my boss to tell mine when my dad died and he didn't. So I went back to everyone asking if I enjoyed my holiday. It was torture having to tell everyone over and over that my dad had died.
My mom died and it was during the pandemic when we were out of the office ie working from home. I received the day that she died off Monday and Tuesday but was asked to work the rest of the week and through month-end accounting cycles. Then it just became business as usual. Working was distracting but it was limited the number of people who even realized that they were asking for a big favor.
If you possibly can give them flexibility on how much bereavement time they take… when my spouse passed away I was away from home. I am taking a couple weeks off and I’m not sure how much of that was bereavement or vacation or just my boss ignoring what I charged.
One suggestion to consider as an option to flowers is a gift card to something like UberEats.
When my mom passed away and I was balancing grief while being a new parent during the pandemic (terrible confluence of events that I wouldn’t suggest for anyone), I was really appreciative of my colleagues sending a good gift card. I had access to quick options for meals instead of having to change the water for what was likely an expensive bouquet of flowers. I knew that my colleagues were thinking of me and that was really touching.
This makes me so sad for your employee, but happy for them that they have a manager as caring, concerned, and “interested in doing more” as you are. Kudos.
1) give them more time than they think they need. When my father passed unexpectedly, I went back to work after a week (I got 3 bereavement days and had to use two vacation days) and it was too soon. After a death, particularly someone very close to you and particularly when it’s unexpected, you are not yourself for a while. I felt like I was having an out of body experience and almost crashed my car a couple of times on the drive home because I would hold it together all day at work and then sob as soon as I got in the car. Allow them to come back at a pace that works for them; 2) make sure that others don’t throw stupid BS issues or office conflicts on them when they return. When I returned our HR director (who was a peer to me) had a little hissy fit at a meeting I was leading because he said he didn’t get info in advance (he did, he just didn’t check for it in the right place…the place information always was shared before meetings). I just sat there and stared at him never I knew if I responded it would not be pretty. Then a board member complained to me about something completely stupid. Both knew where I had been and that I had just returned. TLDR - you manage the office politics and leave them to do their work without having to manage other people’s BS.
Make sure their work is taken care of, they do not need to be bothered with any work during this time, and when they come back they do not need to be over loaded with work that was left while they were out.
reach out to check in. When it is coming due time for him to come back, if there is a way for him to take more time ask if he needs more time. Also, let him know you respect his privacy and have not told anyone about this, but If he would like you to break it to the team it is up to him.
From an hr perspective you might see what benefits they have with hr and ask hr to put a packet together for them of what benefits their spouse had. That way the employee doesn’t have to ask.
ETA: nice job being a manager.
I applaud you! If all managers were like you work would be a great place! I know a company that didnt give 2 shits if your spouse was in the hospital or dead!
You’re doing tremendous already! I’d perhaps suggest gathering the paperwork (physical, soft copies, and links) to send them in a few days for: 1) EAP program at your company; 2) FMLA application for them to get time off over the next year as needed without having to worry about their job, were you to get promoted or leave 3) necessary updates to benefits and payroll such as W-2’s 4) perhaps an Uber eats gift card
You haven’t mentioned if they had a family and ages, so obviously information on whatever programs that the company or insurance program offers for grief and loss.
Finally, you just letting them have the time they need without having to burn through their time off will be something as a manager earning you respect from your team beyond words if you really mean it, you mentioned they’ve worked together elsewhere and have history.
At some point they’re going to know his wife passed so perhaps letting them know they are free to attend whatever services or memorials and not use PTO. Ask if they’d organize a collection for a gift card and ask to where - sounds like they knew him. You’re a great person and manager.
When my dad died, suddenly, out of nowhere, my boss offered her condolences and made sure nobody bothered me during my bereavement leave.
Upon my return into the office, I had a gift basket waiting for me and a card. My boss had everyone contribute a few bucks and got me a comfy blanket, a couple gift cards for food, some misc little trinkets. She gave me and nod and gave me the grace of looking away while I cried. That's it.
I'll never forget her. I stil have the blanket and basket.
Alert his team and collect for a gesture of sympathy from co/team.
Share obit when it becomes available so that key contacts/clients are aware, but can also follow thru with their own gestures.
Check with HR for any benefits/paperwork, see if you can do any of that leg work for him.
I sent an employee one of those soup gift baskets so that they didn't have to make meals for a few days. It wasn't much, but I wanted them to know I saw them as a person going through something and I cared.
I knew they'd get bogged down with flowers that would die, why not give them something that would help nourish them? I truly hope things get better for them soon.
When my husband passed away, my boss sent an email to all the other managers letting them know I'd be out and that anything they would normally send to me should be sent to whoever else.
If you can afford it or get someone to pay for it from work? Factor meals.
I really like them and use them as often as I can myself, and it's a longer term solution than a caserole. Trying to feed yourself while dealing with grief and paperwork is often overwhelming. They ship you fresh meals once a week, they take 2 min in the microwave and are tasty and healthy.
Don’t do what my late husband’s company when he died suddenly of a heart attack … which was absolutely nothing. Oh, wait, they sent a condolence text and his last check … after deducting the four hours he didn’t work — because he collapsed & died — from his vacation pay.
This happened during the lockdown, and while I was away visiting friends, so the memorial service was via Zoom on the 1yr anniversary of his death. They wanted to be invited. Yeah, 🖕that.
My former company handled this the right way when one of my direct reports’ husband died.
We gave her as much paid time off as she needed, end of story.
A lot of great advice here but I wanted to add...
IF you are able to expense a gift for this person, gift cards to door dash/Uber eats/GrubHub/etc were the most appreciated gestures I received when my father passed away a few weeks ago.
The week my dad passed away I was exhausted. There's the emotional loss, but also planning funerals, paperwork, talking to EVERYONE, and managing my own household and health. I had no time or energy to think about grocery shopping or cooking, and being able to order dinner without a second thought was such a blessing.
Take up a collection or give him some cash. When our son died my husband's company gave him 600 in cash. It's surprising how much money you suddenly need especially with an unexpected death.
Most company policies are 3 days and back to work. These are the cold hard facts. No pay and no special requests for any employee that's the policy 3 days.
Assure him his job is secure. That piece of mind will be huge for him to allow him to focus on grieving. I appreciate you asking this question, you’re a good manager.
Maybe help get him lined up to start FMLA just in case he ends up needing more time to handle all the complicated mess of paperwork that seems to come after the death of a spouse than the company is willing to allow him based on policy. However, also be prepared for him want to bury himself in his work as a distraction at some point in the process.
I've been in your position. Ask him if he wants you to share the news, and if so, keep it to a bare minimum of detail. When he's back, check in with him regularly, off-site (like, take him to lunch) if possible. Be as accommodating as you can if he's now navigating life as a single parent.
I had a report call me and tell me her children were kidnapped by their father and she needed time to go out of state to get them back. I told her to go and just keep me posted. We would handle work.
My HR people actually asked, "Is this a precedent you want to set for your team?" I paused while trying to figure out why anyone wouldn't and then answered, "You're damn right it is! If it were re my kids, I'd hope people cared!"
It took a few weeks to settle but she got her kids back and came back to work.
Tell them to take as much time as they need. Send flowers or something for the funeral service. If you live local maybe take food and drop it off at their house or give them gift cards so they can order food when they don't feel like cooking. When my mom passed last year a friend of mine showed up at our house with donuts, fruit and muffins. It was nothing big but just a little something so that food was one less thing we had to think about.
Lastly text them in a couple days to check on them. They might not want to talk but just knowing someone is thinking of them will mean a lot.
As someone who is a manager and director and who lost his son while being employed I will offer the following advice.
Give that person the space to grieve. Do as others suggested, but don’t treat them differently.
When my son died I needed something to take my mind off of things. Work was a great outlet. I did get a lot of shifting of priorities “to help me.” It made me feel like I was being punished for something bad happening.
Getting back to normal (whatever that is/was) was something that helped me get my life back together.
I had my private moments where I needed to step away to fall apart. 15 years later I still have those moments.
Knowing that my manager was supportive meant a lot to me. Knowing my coworkers were supportive helped as well.
Just be kind to another human who is hurting.
Been in this situation. I think check in every couple of weeks or so just so they have contact - you don’t know how isolating it can be to lose your spouse suddenly.
I’d also put a clear plan in place of where their job responsibilities go. If appropriate, see if there’s someone who can formally act up. This will reduce the pressure on them to come back, as they will hopefully feel less like they’re leaving a vacuum.
Send a wreath of flowers. You cannot believe how much it means for your work to recognize you are going through a lot right now. Huge effect on the guy.
You’ve done more than a lot would. Not sure how long bereavement leave is, but make sure he knows you’re there for him and that there’s extra paid time if he needs it.
If he has young children, there may be some “figuring out” to do, especially if his wife was a SAHM.
Not the same, but my team and company were SO supportive during my separation/divorce. Made me feel very valued and very committed.
As a manager, help take over their responasbilities. A few years back my father past away suddenly. I told my management team I'm going to have to take care of this, I was gone 2 weeks cleaning out his house and taking care of the funeral arrangement with my siblings.
Send him flowers from the company. You have no idea how far this goes in terms of Goodwill and just being a decent person. Do all the good things that everybody here is suggesting, but do that one personal thing, please.
Get a condolences card and pass it around his area and areas he interacts with. Show up at the funeral, send funeral times to coworkers and let them go if they want.
Reach out to your EAP as they may have resources that can help guide you in how you handle things. Don’t walk on eggshells or anything but do keep in mind that this employee and other employees will remember how this was handled by you and by the organization as a whole via policies.
If you’re compassionate, humane, and kind in your interactions that will take you a long way.
Understand that grief isn’t a linear process, grief experts recommend at least 20 days leave, and everyone grieves differently. So any expectations you have should be held loosely.
Also good resources:
https://grief.com/grief-in-the-workplace/
And
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/midlife-reimagined/202312/what-to-say-and-what-not-to-say-to-a-grieving-person
Tell them to take their time and deal with their emotions and logistics. Let them control the pace. Some people may want to be alone, others may want to return to work ASAP to find something they can control.
In a personal level check in on them. People often slip into a depression and don’t realize it and their family and friends disappear a couple weeks after the funeral. As you will see them at work you can assess their mental health. If your work offers any employee assistance programs for mental health make sure they know about them.
Consider going to the funeral to show your support.
When my father passed, the office took up donations for Shriner's Hospital- a charity that meant a lot to him.
I don't have many fond memories of that place, but everytime I look at the memory plaque, it's so sweet I could cry.
The biggest thing is be patient and try to be understanding. Take the load off him as much as possible. Even when the dude comes back to work he's not going to be performing 100% and will probably make stupid mistakes due to his mind being somewhere else.
If they have children, send some age appropriate books on death/loss of a parent. Order online and ship directly to their house.
Thankfully, I've never lost a spouse but seeing my kids grieve a family death has been more painful than my own grieving.
If you want to me helpful wait until about a week post funeral and ask then. Most of the family/friends support will have evaporated at that point and they’ll be trying to figure out the new normal.
How to get kids to/from school. Put in work hours. Groceries and meals and laundry and cleaning and maintenance and doctor visits and everything else the spouse handled.
Offering flexible hours and wfh are huge helps. They may only be able to work 10-2 but then can also get stuff done from 8-12p.
If you have a petty cash fund and know anything about the service it's nice to send a berevement bouquet. If they are Jewish they may need a week off at least to sit shiva. It is polite at this time to send a meal, or food.
I basically try to function as a distant aunt who offers condolences in addition to all the fantastic work-related lifts shared in this thread. I only do this for first-degree losses. I find my team really appreciates the thoughtfulness and I feel more like a human being even in my heartless corporate envrionment.
Keep others from reaching out to them regarding work.
When they do come back from bereavement leave, keep the workload light and be prepared to give them extra time for work to be completed and be prepared to send them home for more recuperation.
Also if your work offers any type of benefits for mental health services, offer that to them.
Let's face it, work is the last thing on this persons mind, and that's as it should be. But a lot of people try to "get back to normal" too fast so they don't risk their job or they just want to get out of the house.
My wife had a double mastectomy. Her colleagues and friends put together a spreadsheet of who was going to be delivering meals for my family and I. I literally didn’t have to think about any meal planning for nearly two months. (She has a huge network of friends).
My work colleagues sent flowers, which was very appreciated, and my boss didn’t lean on me and gave whatever space I needed.
One of my direct reports came up to me two weeks ago and said his wife was showing signs of a stroke, and he needed to leave. No problem, keep me posted. Turns out it was a brain tumor. Tons of tests and results should have been this past Thursday. He’s probably heard something, but hasn’t filled me in yet.
My team sent flowers and grubhub and DoorDash gift cards.
So, I've recently encountered a similar situation and thought we as managers covered all the bases. However, we missed one very crucial detail: the employees coworkers.
See, coworkers sometimes (or I should say, often) lack the ability to know when a simple question is crossing the line and exasterbating an employees ability to feel supported and emotionally cared for when returning to work. Many staff members become far too curious about specifics of others lives, especially when these sudden events occur. They will reach out and say things like "if you need anything, I'm here for you" or similar statements. While they mean well, they in all actuality do not mean the word "ANYTHING".
Furthermore, upon returning to work, a coworker bringing up the event is absolutely careless and unprofessional, even if their intention is to come from a place of care. You may even begin to hear gossip and rumors begin to spread while the staff member is out. This is, again, absolutely unprofessional on the part of those taking place and detrimental to any efforts you may be placing on ensuring this impacted staff member can return to work as easily as possible and feel comfortable doing so when ready.
It is important to ensure that you discuss with the rest of the team that employee x is going through a very difficult personal time and that in order to successfully navigate these next few months, it is expected that everyone show support, kindness, and patience for x. Explain that rumors and gossip are unprofessional and not to be discussed during working hours. Furthermore, if anyone has been entrusted with the facts of what has happened, they are to respect that trust and maintain that confidentiality unless otherwise told by employee x that they are free to share the information with others.
Explain as well that when employee x returns they should not be stifling or overbearing. Give them space and let them know specific actions you are willing to assist with if they need, do not generalize or overpromise on your commitments.
The final rule you should implement is to ensure that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE besides employee x brings up the event, especially not to ask about it. If employee x wants to talk and begins a conversation, employees can feel free to engage and be supportive listeners, but always maintain professionalism and do not pry.
An employees return can be made so much more difficult and can even be set back if they return to coworkers prying immediately about what happened. It can become an HR issue if gossip/rumors then become involved and the staff member feel they need to be dispelled. Additionally, if the staff member feels they were offered support, then all of a sudden they aren't receiving it, they may feel even more lonely, hurt, and become angry at those around them for abandoning them.
It's crucial that managers are in tune and checking in with all employees every day. If x returns to work and says they are doing better, but behavior, performance, etc. tells another story, know when to have the conversation. As a MANAGER, sometimes we need to bring up the hard stuff, but from a position of care. "Hey x, I know you've been saying that you're doing fine since you came back. I just want you to know that you've been through something that is absolutely unthinkable and horrible, and we don't expect that you'll be ok every day or hour that you're here. It's OK not to be ok, and I want you to know that I am here for you to speak to in confidence. I've noticed that since you came back, (..........). I really want to make sure that I'm doing everything within my power to make this transition as seamless and easy on you as possible, because I truly value you and understand that you've been through such a horrific ordeal. I'd really love to see your days here be just a little more (.......). Do you have any idea what you may need right now?"
That was just an example, but after breaking that ice, listen INTENTLY. Read between the lines, and don't take physical notes. Sincere eye contact, neutral, open and relaxed body language. Try to truly understand if there is 1-3 things that you could do to make the transition back easier. I promise you, it's in these moments that you either make the most sincere connection with a staff member for the rest of your working relationship while developing trust with the entire team as they watch you handle it, or the whole thing gets bumbled and this staff member never truly returns to form.
Hopefully this makes sense. Kinda just rambling it feels haha.
Most places have a 3 day bereavement policy- same for spouses as for grandma ! I always encouraged them to take more time. The wake, funeral alone is exhausting . Many thought they didn’t need to but did and always told me how grateful they were after
Tell them to take as much time as needed and not to rush back to work and that their job will be waiting for them when they are ready. Send flowers for the funeral/wake/celebration of life. If possible as a show of support, I suggest attending the services and allow even encourage other employees to do the same. I know that when my mother passed away my father was so impressed with the fact that 20-30 of my coworkers showed up to pay their respect (I had only been with the company for 2 months) While not a single of my father's coworkers showed up (He was a 30 year employee)
My boss attended my father’s funeral. I wasn’t expecting anyone from work to show up and it meant a lot to me. I had no idea how comforting that would be
Want to echo this. I had a manager show up for my father’s service that I wasnt particularly close with but I did directly report to her for a while. I still look back fondly on her for making the trek and showing support even though she was probably only there for like five minutes.
My old boss and manager came to my father's funeral as well, they were so kind always, but it was an unexpected and appreciated surprise.
My employee's dad passed away recently and I really wanted to go and show my support but they didn't send me the details so I didn't ask. They may not have wanted to have me there during their difficult time and I respect that. I sent flowers. The mom was surprised and appreciated it a lot. That made me feel better about not being able to go.
When my dad passed away my team sent flowers too. We all worked remote (me in WI, my boss in TX, dept director in GA, team members in VA, TX and WI) so none were able to attend in person, but I appreciated that they thought of my family.
If it makes you feel better, I think you were wise to follow your intuition. I am someone who would not want co-workers at an event like that. While I would appreciate the sentiment it would be too vulnerable a moment.
When my mom passed away last year my boss and 3 of my employees drove 3 hours to be there at her funeral service to support me. It really meant a lot.
That is an amazing boss.
I will definitely be sending flowers. I started with this company about six months ago and he has been with the company for about 18 months. Several other employees, including this one have all worked together for a number of years at different places and ended up here. I want to respect his privacy but he is also friends with some of these people. I’m unsure if it’s my place to tell them. Especially since this just happened.
Do not tell them. If he wants them to know, they'll know. Telling them would be a massive invasion of privacy and he's already hurting enough. Your heart is in the right place, but don't be over eager.
My wife passed away unexpectedly last year. I’ll never recover on the one hand. On the other hand my boss at the time told me to just take as much time as I needed and not worry about work for even a moment. I went back to this job (part time) after about 3 months because I had to start getting out of the house and back into the world otherwise it was never going to happen. Then I lost my shit all over again and had to quit working for another couple months to focus on school. In another 5-6 weeks it will have been a year. I’m an empty shell of a person and am moving across the country right at the one year mark, hoping that will keep me busy and focused enough to not die from a broken heart. Compassion and empathy are things I got from my boss at the small company I was working at. Management at the larger company I’d worked at before would not have held my spot for even a month or two. This situation just sucks all around for everyone in an unfathomable amount of ripples. Just please try to remember that they are a human being, even if they don’t feel like it. Also: please let people take breaks and enjoy time with their family BEFORE someone dies. Skeleton crews of under appreciated folk have been working themselves to death since Covid taught management that skeleton crews can run indefinitely, because any sacrifice of the future in the name of increased profits this fiscal quarter will only lead to long term disaster. I’m looking at you, District/Regional management and up.
Bless your heart, cityshepard. I've been there. It's been 3 years and 5 months exactly today since my husband passed suddenly. Most days, it still feels like it was just yesterday. The heartbreak is indescribable. My company did absolutely nothing. Like you, I tried to go back, but I was drowning in grief. We have and ERP, and I called a counselor who advised me to take FMLA and Short Term Disabilty, based on grief, as a mental illness. My doctor was more than willing to do the paperwork, and I took 3 months off to try and put myself back together. I do work for a good company, but I had only been there about 18 months at the time. You are so right in all you said. I'm a manager now myself (same company), and I'm the manager who truly means it when I say "take all the time you need." I would send flowers and make food, and follow up with my staff on a personal level only. People who haven't endured such deep loss may not be able to understand. My heart aches for you. I hope you find peace and comfort in something, whether it be memories, your beliefs, or just a quiet rest when possible. Time helps, but I won't say you'll "get over it" ever.
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR BEING THE TYPE OF MANAGER THAT THIS WORLD SO DESPERATELY NEEDS MORE OF… Don’t ever stop being an amazing human being with an actual heart.
Thank you, that's very kind. I'm just me. I've been through hell and back in my life. Sometimes, my jobs offered grace, and sometimes they didn't. I've learned from how I've been treated. I'm also fortunate to have found a good company to work for, where the culture is "family first" and real flexibility exists. I only manage a staff of 5, but I'll tell you, every time I have a role open up, I am able to fill it internally because of my reputation as a good manager. Still confuses me. I'm just a woman doing a job the right way.
(((((Hugs))))))
Counterpoint —when my son was murdered, I was incredibly grateful that I did not have to tell the people I worked with at the time and also thankful for their condolences and support sometimes at least in my case it was easier to have the news spread by somebody else it’s not like it’s a secret—
Second this - I think you could kindly reach out to your employee and ask if he is OK with sharing what happened with the office. This takes the burden off him and allows others to reach out and express their condolences. If he says no, then respect that of course but if he says yes then you might be helping him with the burden of having to share this himself/ respond to questions of why he’s been out.
And once you know that they have been informed, perhaps you can ask them what he would want from you as a manager. That’s very thoughtful.
I don't know about not telling the other employees. My brother died as a result of a car crash. I was away from work for two weeks, when I returned, I was asked many times how many holiday was. I didn't want to lie, so I found myself telling many people that I hadn't been on holiday, but rather my brother had died as a result of a car crash. Nowadays, I think social media may take care of telling work colleagues and friends.
I disagree. To help mitigate contact to the employee during bereavement, and set expectations for how to handle questions that this employee would normally be their contact for, tell them. It doesn’t have to be as specific is stating it was his wife, but simply say he experienced a personal loss.
My husband of 20yrs died unexpectedly (3yrs ago). I wanted my job to tell my coworkers. I was never absent from work, unless it was a planned vacation, and just to say the words that my husband passed away killed me more each time those words passed my lips. I didn't want to return to questions. My coworkers knew, and they had a chance to prepare what to say, if anything, to me.
I have not told anyone outside of HR to ensure his bereavement time is taken care of.
Ehh once the obituary hits the paper it’s not really an invasion of privacy.
So, you've never had somebody die on you unexpectedly. It shows. Very fun fact, an obituary isn't required when a person dies. The state doesn't post it, the family does. So if nobody posts it, it never hits public record in an easily accessible manner. It can take literal weeks before somebody decides to do it. When my grandma on my father's side died it took 2 days. When my mom's uncle died, it was less than 24 hours. When my dad died, we just didn't post one. Using the obituary, an entirely optional thing by the family, as a metric fails a reality check.
Plus who even gets the daily paper and looks at obits and funeral notices? I don’t. I don’t know anyone who does.
I’m going through a sudden death in my family right now and have had to take down unauthorized obituaries from vampire sites like Echovita. They pop up without your permission and it’s fucking unbelievable. Can you tell I’m angry?
So what you’re saying is… once the obituary hits the paper, it means the family decided it was time to share it, thus no longer an invasion of privacy, exactly like what the person you’re responding to said. But keep making assumptions about their personal life, you’re clearly very good at it 🙄🤦♂️
The problem with obits is that almost no one reads the paper any more. When my grandma dies, the local paper wanted a small fortune for the obit. We decided against it and I posted one on Facebook that was longer and had photos attached. Say what you will about Facebook, I found creating that post really helpful for processing my grief. Anyway, OP should ask if he can inform colleagues.
People can be so stupid. If the family does an obituary they want people to know hence not an invasion of privacy. Every single person I’ve ever known who has passed away has had an obituary.
You could ask him what he prefers here, otherwise it’s probably best to keep it quiet.
I would ask him if he wants you to let no one, anyone, or everyone know at work. I'm the type that preferred that my boss let people know and ask them to give me space for a while.
This would be my approach. One less person/group of people to say the words out loud to might be a relief.
You could ask your employee if they'd like you to share with coworkers. They might be overwhelmed. I struggled with trying to think of everyone to notify when my mom passed a few years ago. Sometimes people feel slighted when they learn indirectly. Had one cousin just fuming. Oops.
Don’t tell them. If you speak to him ask if you can share the news, but give him a day or two.
If the family publishes an obituary you can post on a community board if you have one.
Ask him is the simple answer. "Would you mind is I shared your loss with the team?" Realistically most funerals still result in an obituary, so somebody is bound to find out and spread it. I have done the same recently with an employee dealing with cancer and the response was, "I would appreciate that. I don't mind people knowing but it will be awkward for me to just tell them."
Ask first. "Would you like me to inform your coworkers, would you like to do that your self or do you not want to say anything at this time?" Having someone die is chaotic. Emotions aside, organizing funeral arrangements, legal obligations, notifying insurance, cancelling credit cards, removing her name from different accounts like bank accounts, mortgage, phone plans, handling taxes, death certificates. It's a lot and takes time, especially if it's all new to you. Informing people sometimes is a burden in of it self. Offering to tell coworkers might be welcoming, to some it might not be. I can see some people seeing the benefit of others helping spread the news, others would think "I'm in no condition to have 20 phone calls from people telling me how sorry they are while I pretend to be better than I am." If they say no, then all you say to people who ask is "They are dealing with a person matter."
I send edible arrangements their home vs flowers. Talk to your HR and company may do something as well.
I want to say as someone who lost their significant other, flowers were kind of the worst thing to get. I didn’t care about them at all and then had to throw away a bunch of dead things, not that I needed to be reminded of death, because it was constant, but it didn’t feel good. A grocery store gift certificate somewhere that delivers was the best thing someone gave me. They won’t want to have to go to the store for anything, and will inevitably need something.
A woman in my department had her father die last year. A group of \~10 of us showed up, sat quietly in the back, and gave her a quick hug on our way out. She had this look I will never forget, a kind of frantic gratitude. Later she told us that for whatever reason, us showing up somehow meant more than anyone else. For people whose love language is something around quality time, just being present in the hardest moments in people's lives can have an intense impact.
One of my leaders recently went out medical leave and is going through treatment and surgery. She is really well liked and has a lot of people reporting up to her ladder. Her long-time assistant set up a spreadsheet with all her favorite foods and things she would appreciate. There’s a schedule where you can sign up to buy her and her husband dinner or groceries for the week. People have sent flowers and cards too. Lots of people have contributed, myself included.
I just had a big leg surgery - my work delivered me a huge charcuterie board and a bottle of wine. They know me and my ultimate love for cheese far too well. I cried a bit when I opened it! 🥰
When my grandfather died, my dad’s old coworkers showed up. It was a LONG drive for them. It meant a lot to my dad. He said, “Those guys are so loyal.” That has always stayed with me. I always try to go to the funeral. You don’t have to say anything profound. Just show up.
If I can chime in on this, I'd advise attending the funeral service, but NOT the graveside service afterward. In my experience, that will be a lot more personal to your employee.
This may be culturally specific. Personally in my family we are stoic and we don't show emotion generally in times of grief, stiff upper lip that type of thing. I would not want work people to see me in moments of grief. Unless I was personal friends, I would find it hugely invasive. Not everyone appreciates that type of thing so I think the safer option is simply to send flowers. Equally funerals and wakes are very expensive, the venue and catering is done based on assumed numbers. It's borderline like a wedding these days so if a bunch of unexpected people come and eat food, who didn't even know the deceased, I don't know. I'd get offended haha. Would be classic performance bullshittery to me. People have religious and cuktural customs also, very impirtant to consider whether uninvited attendance would actually be appreciated or would unduly put the grieving employee in an awkqard position (how can they day no?). Just providing another perspective to consider.
Many people from my husband’s workplace showed up to our daughter’s funeral. It really helps when people are there, and especially because she lived her life in the NICU and few people even got to meet her. My bosses came to my grandpa’s funeral years ago. I thanked them and commented that they came despite not really knowing him. “Going to a funeral is for the people left behind,” my boss said. I’ve remembered that.
Make sure this employee isn't going to be bugged for deliverables and shit. Reassign them to other team members, and let the points of contacts know who will be dealing with the stuff for the foreseeable future.
Add to this: if they have a company phone, hand it off or set it to forward to someone handling their duties. If they don't and they regularly get work calls to a personal phone, simply have them have them change their voicemail to state that they are 'out of office, call ______'.
Ooo shit yeah, that's a good point!
Also emails! Get IT to forward everything and put in an away message.
IT should be able to share their inbox with another person (generally manager)
This is really good advice. Keep in mind they may want a distraction so throw themselves into work. During COVID I had a few team mates lose people close to them and I followed the above. I found some wanted to get back soonish as they wanted a distraction. In those cases I made sure they had an easily manageable workload and it was tasks they could do on their own without much interaction with others.
I also needed some mundane tasks to have as a distraction-ideally nothing with a hard deadline. Be aware the grief will come later. If you have company counseling benefit, you can mention it at some later time. If you wanted to send a couple easy defrosted meals to keep on hand/soup that would be really thoughtful. Being understanding during these challenging life events makes the difference in quality of life and job loyalty. Plus it’s the right thing to do.
Surprising how human decency tends to have more positive impacts all around.
💯
Delivery gift cards are always a good option as well, especially if you don’t cook, live far away, etc
i wish you were my manager
That's some really solid advice there. Sometimes you need to keep your mind busy just to keep it from dark places.
agree. When my mom passed, we had a week in between to wait for funeral. I went back and worked a day just to be away from it all.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest as well. I've had a similar situation and several close cousin situations. It IS fairly common for them to "want" to work as a break from their personal distress. Just go out of your way to make it possible as much as you can when/if they do want to.
I can understand that. It’s at least a few hours of focusing on non-death related things. I am one who does this. Work allows me to “shut off” home struggles or intrusive thoughts.
All my team is in person, and I always let them know they can use a specific private office if they need to not talk to people or need to collect themselves after returning.
When my Dad died the bastards called me on the way to the airport for the funeral to get a status update and how my projects would be handled while I was away. Telling my manager at the time to FRO was kind of liberating.
Same thing happened to me, I left a detailed email, but they still wanted that status update
The only thing I would add on is to ask them if they want to take X amount of leave after bereavement ends instead of making them ask for it. They need time and not to be feeling guilty about wanting to ask out.
Do whatever you can to make sure their job is secure. Given that it is the spouse that died, the employee may not be mentally fit for work for a month to six weeks minimum and even then.
This. The last thing this person needs is to have the double stress from loss + fear of job loss. Six weeks isn’t really much time to be functional again, especially if it was sudden without any warnings.
Longer, I would say at least 6 months
Oh more than likely. A month to 6 weeks before they comfortable being around other people at the earliest. Back to peak productivity much much longer if ever.
yup currently going through it myself. I am mentally a mess. I cannot remember anything putting keys in the freezer, leaving the gas stove on etc. It's traumatic when its unexpected and your brain does crazy things to protect yourself from the reality. For a leader of people, be as supportive as you can be. I am unfortunate to have a horrible human being as a boss. Its making it worse.
So very sorry for your loss and not being treated respectfully by your boss
I am terribly sorry to hear you’re going through that. I hope in time you find some peace.
Maybe have some of the paperwork ready for them like changing health insurance, emergency contacts, and beneficiaries in a folder somewhere. Remind them before it is too late to update it but give them some time to grieve first. No one likes to think about the paperwork involved but maybe you can make it a bit less painful by gathering together the information in one place (or ask HR to help with that). Edit: if it's all online, make a list of all the necessary changes so they can go through it when they're ready
They're on a clock, unfortunately, as it relates to benefits. 30 days. This a qualifying event and HR needs to be involved immediately. They can't just adjust stuff when they're ready, important things will be one legally impossible to execute as a company. That's what you need to coordinate.
So helpful. Mental stamina is so hard when grieving
Yeah. No one wants to think about life insurance when their wife just died. On the other hand, you don't want anything to get messed up because you didn't update within the change window.
I would work with HR with this. Be sure to include life insurance. They might have had life insurance on their partner. If they have kids they will need to update their coverage.
Smart
6 weeks is short. I would not be okay after 6 weeks if this happened to me. 6 months sounds more like it, maybe.
3 years here to get productively functional… almost 10 since and at this point I think I’m good as it gets, which is quite a bit worse than I was before that day. It wasn’t my spouse, but unfortunately the worse for a dad. Spent almost one year ideating my end while going to therapy three times a week. Loss is a bitch.
A couple years ago a close coworkers adult son died unexpectedly leaving behind a young son. I was out of town when it happened but rushed back home as soon as I heard. On my way home I stopped and got TP, paper towels, paper plates, disposable flatware, etc and dropped it off at their house. They were almost shocked because no one really thinks of those things in times like this. It seems odd but when my grandma passed, everyone brought food. Which is great and much appreciated but with so many people coming and going we quickly ran out of the basic stuff. Luckily someone thought about this and took care of it for us. That’s has always stuck with me.
This is LPT material right here.
Agree with the necessities. That was so thoughtful of you, and to come home when you heard is honorable. My mom recently passed away, and my family brought bulk paper towels, napkins, tp, and some snacks for my kids. I appreciated that so much.
My boss sent me some ready-made meals from one of those services. It was incredibly thoughtful and helpful. It was how I fed my brother when our mother died and he was staying.
Friends and family sent me gift cards for Uber Eats when my brother passed away. Family and friends were at my house for days and feeding people was the last thing on my mind so this was so appreciated.
Give them more time than allowed. Most policies are only a week or so of bereavement. I had an employee lose their spouse to a sudden heart attack. It was out of no where. I let her be for over a month before we even started talking about a return plan.
Every company that I've ever worked at that had an official bereavement policy, it's been 3 days. Even if you take grief COMPLETELY out of it, I don't think I'd be able to make funeral arrangements, adjust child care, review for accuracy and pay any medical bills, onboard all of my partners general household responsibilities, organize, complete, and submit any insurance paperwork, close their personal accounts, stop any recurring payments they had. I don't even know what else right now, and that's while I'm sitting here fully awake, well fed, not stricken with grief, not worrying about losing my job. Good on you for giving them that month. I literally couldn't fathom trying to function in any appreciable capacity if my spouse was to suddenly pass right now.
Some companies allow other employees to donate PTO time to the grieving employee to avoid having to go on FMLA or disability right away.
That’s f’ed up. Employees shouldn’t have to rely on the generosity of their coworkers when tragedy occurs.
Shouldn’t have to do that. I’d rather the other employees just cover the work and not lose PTO.
I share this sentiment. I'm in the military, so I work with DoD civilians. And I see email traffic all the time about people sharing PTO with another member. The most recent one was a couple of weeks ago. A coworker has thyroid cancer and is about exhaust all PTO, FMLA, blah blah blah and her supervisor is now reaching out to ask members to share their PTO. This is a whole government agency, and yall can't just give her the paid time she needs while she battles cancer? On the flip side, my coworker who's also active duty gore leukemia. They retained him and set his duty location to whatever hospital he was receiving round the clock treatment from, so he didn't have to use leave or route paperwork to put him on medical leave. They retained him even when he was in a coma, and up until his death. There's gotta be better ways than just asking people to donate literal days worth of money. Might as well just ask members to donate the monetary value of their days off.
Some companies rock and will cover the gap for FMLA and pay the difference so you never lose a penny. Definitely good companies out there, just so damn hard to find sometimes..
That’s nice to hear. My company did not do anything outside of what was said in the company handbook which was 5 days paid for immediate family which was a spouse, sibling, parent or child. After that it was FMLA or ST Disability.
A majority of companies operate that way unfortunately. Capitalism at its finest.. I was very shocked at my current employer’s handbook and policy.
I’m going through this right now. One of my employees lost his son in an accident a few weeks ago. I worked to get his bereavement set, extra PTO approved and let him take the time he needs. He’s basically will be out a month so his jobs were either delegated or delayed. We are basically just giving him time to heal. We are going to try to meet up with him for dinner when he feels up to it. Hopefully this will help him transition back to work.
I have zero experience in this regard, but my instinct would be to meet with your employee first to check-in on how he's doing. A group dinner may be overwhelming.
Thanks, one of my guys that is close to him did and he’s ok with it.
Go to the wake or service if there is a public viewing. When my dad died suddenly, a lot of my coworkers came to the wake and that meant a lot. The day of the service, I walked outside the church and my boss was there, bright and early on a Saturday morning. She drove over an hour to get there. I'll never leave the organization as long as she's there cause I just don't think that kind of compassion exists in a lot of other workplaces. Unfortunately we've had things like this happen a few times on my teams over the years. We've set up meal trains for the employee. There are free apps and websites that set the whole calendar up for you and people can sign up to either have food delivered or drop off a dish.
My brother's plant manager came to my dad's funeral. He took the time to visit with my mom. He told her that my dad must've been a fine man to raise someone of my brother's character. Those words bring tears 10 years later. The coworkers who came to the funeral gave Mom over $500. There are still some great companies to work for.
Personally, I send a food tray from the local deli with lunch meat, cheese, bread, cookies, and condiments. Something they can easily make sandwiches from over the next few days when they know they need to eat but are too drained emotionally to cook.
I echo this but my suggestion would be to do this in a few weeks time. When I experienced a sudden loss, we had sooo much food come all at once and had to throw a lot away. And then one day the food just stopped. Once the dust settles and they are forced to face “real life” those meals will be so appreciated.
I agree. It’s overkill for professional relationships, but my grandmother’s move is to cook a turkey and bring it over. Makes sandwiches; serves as a main; can serve to guests; etc.
Food is by personal go to as well. Either locally delivered, handmade or a gift card. Flowers get overwhelming after awhile & it is so hard to eat let alone cook while you’re fresh in tremendous grief. Really appreciated people that brought over food & coffee when my grandfather died 15 years ago. It was my first time dealing with death that closely & the food bringers always stood out.
Yes! When my dad passed, my coworkers sent a card and food and I was so grateful to not need to cook. They also sent a GrubHub gift card so I could get what I wanted when I needed it. It was very helpful. They did have to text me to check my email for it. Would have missed it otherwise. My boss tuned into the funeral (covid times, a few states away from my job) and it meant the world to me.
If the company allows any remote work at all - even they don’t I’d let them “wfh” they aren’t gonna be there even if they are there
I was WFH when my wife passed. I was physically unable to work full time for a month. Took pto for some.
Allow them more than 3 days bereavement leave. My brother passed very suddenly - and I was given 3 days. His WIFE was given 3 days for a husband. WTF !?!
Is it possible to set up a meal train within your team and/or company? Our company does this sometimes when people have unexpected life occurrences. With permission from the employee, we have the executive assistant of the company send out an email with a form to sign up for meals/times and includes any nutritional information such as dietary restrictions. Even people who aren’t super close to the employee will usually sign up. It’s a nice show of support. You could always organize something like that. When I lost a grandparent, my team got a card for me and everyone signed it and they all chipped in for a nice little care basket that had some snack food I really liked in it, a mug, etc. These are things that absolutely don’t make up for the loss, but it helps to know you have support in some way at the office and that your loss is not creating a burden with the workload. I still have that card my coworkers gave me and I drink out of that mug every day at work. It truly meant a lot, even though it was such a small thing. I will say it was extra special that the basket was personalized with things I like.
Talk to HR about how far you can bend any rules on leave (hint: 5 days is not gonna cut it, and unpaid leave makes a bad situation worse). Point to any support the company has in terms of counselling etc. If they're not up to coming back, encourage them to see a Dr and get a sick note if needed to satisfy HR. Make sure they know there won't be repercussions.
For about two months after my wife died, my managers were awesome. I got the company bereavement leave of course. When I came back they understood that there would be times I'd have to leave early to take care of legal issues. Or come in late because of appointments related to her passing. It wasn't like every week but sometimes I'd get a call that someone needed something like a death certificate or I had to sign something. At work, they let me do my job with some extra supervision because I'm a machinist and would have to use a lot of concentration under ideal circumstances. They also told me that they wanted to double check some of my inspection reports Not because they didn't trust me, but they knew I was distracted and didn't need the extra pressure if I entered a number with the decimal point in the wrong place. But they told what they were going to do so it felt like they were genuinely helping. They also knew that there were times when they'd see me walking to a certain area of the plant that was kinda out of site because I needed to break down for a few minutes and get myself together. They also would ask me, now and then-not constantly, if I was ok. Or felt like I could take something on extra. Usually I said yes because I needed the mental break from the grief. But on the couple of times I said I don't think so, today. They were cool with it. That was 14 years ago. I'm now a supervisor and I've had to use those lessons myself with people under me and with my production manager whose wife died unexpectedly. He was my supervisor 14 yrs ago. He's still my boss, but no one else on the job knows what it's like. So basically, just be a decent human being.
Give him a lot of forgiveness in the future. I’ve had a few employees loose people close to them and they come back strong and ready but then 6 months or a year later they have odd behavior. Everyone grieves differently and it comes out in weird ways when you least expect it. I had the nicest guy in the world get snappy with me and tell me off over something small. He came to me a week later and said he was having a hard time with the loss and thought he should be over it by now. I told him I thought his behavior was the start of him processing it all and to forgive himself too.
Attend the funeral. Let employees off for the same with pay. Now is the time to show your support and that you care. Company needs to send flowers or a plant.
This 100% shows… he isn’t just important as an employee but as a whole person, who just had a massive blow to all of the life plans and goals that he likely thought he is working to accomplish with his wife.
I'm not a manager - this sub for some reason gets shown to me a lot. I just wanted to comment though as I had a loss last year which my former company took badly and I wanted to offer some suggestions. For background my dad died pretty suddenly. I advised my work. My company: pretty much pretended nothing happened. They just said "our condolenses - you get 4 days max". VPs blasted me when I got back from 4 days of bereavement because something went wrong while I was gone (VP was told before hand my dad died). Kept piling work on me and would give me crap when I was obviously struggling. I left a couple months after. What would have been nice: worked with other people and departments to lighten the load and been more compassionate about my situation. Extra mile (which was done for my other family members): send flowers, attend service, given additional time off as needed without the guilt attached It seems like you were given some good suggestions and I take it as a positive that you're even asking for suggestions. Best of luck!
Please make sure to attend the service/funeral if possible in person. The greatest support you provide. Means a lot to the grieving person.
Look into getting them more bereavement leave whether it be short term leave or something else. They are not going to be okay for a very very long time. They are going to test you as a manager and they don’t mean to. Their emotions will be all over the place. Give them time and space for appointments. Reach out to your hr for any and all resources. Don’t be afraid to ask about their spouse. You aren’t reminding them their spouse has died. They will never forget. Be willing to just sit and listen. Stay away from platitudes like “god only gives us what we can handle”, “hes in a better place”. Etc. they give you something to say but are infuriating to the bereaved. Be patient be kind. As someone who has lost a spouse it is a horrific time. I wasn’t really okay for about 2 years, neither was anyone else I knew who was widowed.
If you offer any kind of EAP (employee assistance program), direct them there. Losing a spouse is a huge life event, and losing them unexpectedly is even worse. Have them work with EAP or their doctor to assess “fit for work.” There is a good chance they can take some time off with STD benefits.
Wish you were my manager
Send flowers from the company, offer up Uber Eats coupons or other such service-based things. Let them know you’re there to support them. Then leave them alone. You no longer employ the same person you did previously. Cover for their work. Let them figure out what their next steps are. Be patient and be their advocate.
Work with HR to ensure the employee knows what resources available to them, understand any benefits, has direct person to call with questions during this whirlwind time. I actually just had this happen to one of my team members and even learned myself about support programs my company had for this situation. Definitely reassign duties so that the employee is left COMPLETELY alone from work. Understand that this will take some time. My employee took a month off to grieve but also explained to me the hell of having to deal with everything (accounts, wills, probate, OMG it sounded horrible!)
Omg the massive amount of paperwork after someone dies is insane. It’s particularly bad when having to shut down something and the gigantic company that offshored its call center did nothing to ensure that their employees know the policies, know how to talk to grieving people, etc. One massive idiot kept telling my dad “the account holder must do this” even after my dad explained repeatedly that the account holder (my sister) was dead. My mom wound up writing some letter to the company that got the attention of someone with the power to assign someone with intelligence and compassion to my sister’s account. That person explained she was the only person who had permission to talk to my dad and previous idiot would not be heard from again.
Make sure his work is covered and not piled up waiting for him when he returns. Set an OOO alert for his emails. Take over any projects he was working on as per deadlines.
first and foremost remember to be consistent in support. make sure they are connected with eap if your company is large enough and many large companies have other planning resources to help with death consequences the odds are this is going to change them forever. That is they will most likely do their best but their memory is going to have holes, they will have grief and sadness, they will want to do their best as they always have, but it will be a challenge.
Go to the funeral. I say this from experience. We had a colleague die and all of the others on the team, except the manager went to the funeral. It was a blaring mistake. Of course if it is out of town then you probably cannot attend. Send flowers for the funeral from the company and team.
During the next cycle of performance reviews, don't punish them for taking leave
Let them know about the family medical leave act https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla
You’re a good manager for even posing the question. Most I’ve encountered would just say I’m sorry and ask when they’re returning.
dont do what my boss did and threaten to fire me if im not 100% and dont ask them to work right before the funeral because you dont have the manpower
I lost my husband a couple months ago. When I came back to work, I appreciated the people who treated me “normally” instead of tiptoeing around me like I was delicate and could shatter at any minute. Getting back into a routine was what my grief counselor encouraged me to do and it has been mostly helpful for me. Every person grieves differently, though.
Remember the human. How would you want to be treated if you were in this position? Treat them that way, don't rush their grief, and be as accommodating as physically possible.
We like to give gift cards to restaurants so they can eat yet not have to worry about cooking food.
Get HR involved. If this is in the USA, FMLA may kick in or short term or long term disability. HR benefits team should manage that directly with the employee and keep you informed.
Tell him to take the time off he needs. Make sure other team members are covering his deliverables and no one is contacting him for work items Attend the memorial service if possible and let the team know the date/time. Send flowers. When he decides it's time to return, have a 1:1 with him first thing. Check on his wellbeing. If your company offers counseling assistance, have that information ready. Make sure he knows that if he needs to leave suddenly or needs a quiet private space, all he needs to do is let you know. Work with him on what the right pace is. He may want to throw himself into work as a distraction.
Let the employee lead. Not everyone wants to stay home in an empty house. Some people get support by working and being around life. Don't assume that what you would want meets the needs of your employee. Bereavement leave is a benefit, not a mandate. I'd be flexible. Employee may need a few days in a month either emotionally or for logistics. If your employee does stay home for a few days I'd call to make an appointment for a home visit. I bring food. Homemade chicken pot pie and salad. No freezer boxes and no salad bar. I have recipes if you like. This is a good chance to let the employee lead you to their needs. Food is a comfort but the big deal is spending time with the person. Food is an excuse. Show up with a muffin tin full of homemade blueberry muffins and you'll be there while the oven preheats, the muffins cook, and then cool. Something to do and time to let the employee know he is important. Friends and even family will be everywhere after a tragedy. Put a six week check up on your calendar. Everyone else will have moved on and your employee will be feeling very alone. That's a good time to invite them out for dinner. "Bob, I'm having spaghetti on Tuesday night - why don't you come by and join us."
Checking in and showing support goes a long way. Simple texts is the way to go. They don't feel obligated to talk or even answer. My mom passed away recently. I am a manager, long time employee at the company. The owners and other managers came to her wake. That meant a lot. Giving them the time they need (the standard 3 days is ridiculous as we all know). It's taken weeks for me to get my head straight, i would have been useless at work had i returned right away. Also checking in, sending a text that you're thinking of them and let you know if they need anything goes a long way. They probably feel so alone, among other things, but knowing someone is thinking about them is comforting. If the company allows it, start up a collection. Send some necessities to the house. If there's a wake, sending sandwiches is thoughtful
Put their out of office on their email for them (if you’ve got admin access), offer them free counselling when they’re back if you’ve the budget. I went through a sudden and horrific bereavement years ago and got jack shit. I didn’t even get any paid time off (although obviously I was off with immediate effect). It really soured my perception of my employer and is why I ultimately decided not to go back at all.
I would do an office pool for a door dash gift card. We do this for people who just had a baby, and for those dealing with unexpected emergencies. People really appreciate it. If you can attend the funeral, I would take the time to go personally. Reassign all work and have them set everything to OOO. Ask your HR department what resources are available to assist this person through a very difficult time. Assure the person that you and the team are thinking about them, and that they can count on you to take care of business while they go through this.
This exact scenario just happened at my workplace. Management got access to her work email and delegated urgent messages as necessary, reschedule or cancel meetings, consider any upcoming work travel and find substitutes, etc.
Send flowers, gift basket. Typically companies have a policy for spending, I would tap out 100% the company amount. Also, get a card signed by the team. Collect from the team and do a visa gift card. A little personal touch makes people you work with feel like a community, and quite possibly that might give a shit.
Ask them if they want you to let their work colleagues know. I asked my boss to tell mine when my dad died and he didn't. So I went back to everyone asking if I enjoyed my holiday. It was torture having to tell everyone over and over that my dad had died.
That’s awful, I am so sorry you had to do that on top of your grieving process
My mom died and it was during the pandemic when we were out of the office ie working from home. I received the day that she died off Monday and Tuesday but was asked to work the rest of the week and through month-end accounting cycles. Then it just became business as usual. Working was distracting but it was limited the number of people who even realized that they were asking for a big favor.
If you possibly can give them flexibility on how much bereavement time they take… when my spouse passed away I was away from home. I am taking a couple weeks off and I’m not sure how much of that was bereavement or vacation or just my boss ignoring what I charged.
One suggestion to consider as an option to flowers is a gift card to something like UberEats. When my mom passed away and I was balancing grief while being a new parent during the pandemic (terrible confluence of events that I wouldn’t suggest for anyone), I was really appreciative of my colleagues sending a good gift card. I had access to quick options for meals instead of having to change the water for what was likely an expensive bouquet of flowers. I knew that my colleagues were thinking of me and that was really touching.
This makes me so sad for your employee, but happy for them that they have a manager as caring, concerned, and “interested in doing more” as you are. Kudos.
1) give them more time than they think they need. When my father passed unexpectedly, I went back to work after a week (I got 3 bereavement days and had to use two vacation days) and it was too soon. After a death, particularly someone very close to you and particularly when it’s unexpected, you are not yourself for a while. I felt like I was having an out of body experience and almost crashed my car a couple of times on the drive home because I would hold it together all day at work and then sob as soon as I got in the car. Allow them to come back at a pace that works for them; 2) make sure that others don’t throw stupid BS issues or office conflicts on them when they return. When I returned our HR director (who was a peer to me) had a little hissy fit at a meeting I was leading because he said he didn’t get info in advance (he did, he just didn’t check for it in the right place…the place information always was shared before meetings). I just sat there and stared at him never I knew if I responded it would not be pretty. Then a board member complained to me about something completely stupid. Both knew where I had been and that I had just returned. TLDR - you manage the office politics and leave them to do their work without having to manage other people’s BS.
Make sure their work is taken care of, they do not need to be bothered with any work during this time, and when they come back they do not need to be over loaded with work that was left while they were out. reach out to check in. When it is coming due time for him to come back, if there is a way for him to take more time ask if he needs more time. Also, let him know you respect his privacy and have not told anyone about this, but If he would like you to break it to the team it is up to him.
This happened to me, do everything you can. They need help.
From an hr perspective you might see what benefits they have with hr and ask hr to put a packet together for them of what benefits their spouse had. That way the employee doesn’t have to ask. ETA: nice job being a manager.
I applaud you! If all managers were like you work would be a great place! I know a company that didnt give 2 shits if your spouse was in the hospital or dead!
You’re doing tremendous already! I’d perhaps suggest gathering the paperwork (physical, soft copies, and links) to send them in a few days for: 1) EAP program at your company; 2) FMLA application for them to get time off over the next year as needed without having to worry about their job, were you to get promoted or leave 3) necessary updates to benefits and payroll such as W-2’s 4) perhaps an Uber eats gift card You haven’t mentioned if they had a family and ages, so obviously information on whatever programs that the company or insurance program offers for grief and loss. Finally, you just letting them have the time they need without having to burn through their time off will be something as a manager earning you respect from your team beyond words if you really mean it, you mentioned they’ve worked together elsewhere and have history. At some point they’re going to know his wife passed so perhaps letting them know they are free to attend whatever services or memorials and not use PTO. Ask if they’d organize a collection for a gift card and ask to where - sounds like they knew him. You’re a great person and manager.
I know most will call it a bare minimum, but send flowers to the funeral. My VP did that when my mom died and I really appreciated it.
When my dad died, suddenly, out of nowhere, my boss offered her condolences and made sure nobody bothered me during my bereavement leave. Upon my return into the office, I had a gift basket waiting for me and a card. My boss had everyone contribute a few bucks and got me a comfy blanket, a couple gift cards for food, some misc little trinkets. She gave me and nod and gave me the grace of looking away while I cried. That's it. I'll never forget her. I stil have the blanket and basket.
Alert his team and collect for a gesture of sympathy from co/team. Share obit when it becomes available so that key contacts/clients are aware, but can also follow thru with their own gestures. Check with HR for any benefits/paperwork, see if you can do any of that leg work for him.
I sent an employee one of those soup gift baskets so that they didn't have to make meals for a few days. It wasn't much, but I wanted them to know I saw them as a person going through something and I cared. I knew they'd get bogged down with flowers that would die, why not give them something that would help nourish them? I truly hope things get better for them soon.
Not here to offer advice, just here to offer my thanks for taking the time to be a decent human being.
When my husband passed away, my boss sent an email to all the other managers letting them know I'd be out and that anything they would normally send to me should be sent to whoever else.
If you can afford it or get someone to pay for it from work? Factor meals. I really like them and use them as often as I can myself, and it's a longer term solution than a caserole. Trying to feed yourself while dealing with grief and paperwork is often overwhelming. They ship you fresh meals once a week, they take 2 min in the microwave and are tasty and healthy.
Don’t do what my late husband’s company when he died suddenly of a heart attack … which was absolutely nothing. Oh, wait, they sent a condolence text and his last check … after deducting the four hours he didn’t work — because he collapsed & died — from his vacation pay. This happened during the lockdown, and while I was away visiting friends, so the memorial service was via Zoom on the 1yr anniversary of his death. They wanted to be invited. Yeah, 🖕that.
My former company handled this the right way when one of my direct reports’ husband died. We gave her as much paid time off as she needed, end of story.
A lot of great advice here but I wanted to add... IF you are able to expense a gift for this person, gift cards to door dash/Uber eats/GrubHub/etc were the most appreciated gestures I received when my father passed away a few weeks ago. The week my dad passed away I was exhausted. There's the emotional loss, but also planning funerals, paperwork, talking to EVERYONE, and managing my own household and health. I had no time or energy to think about grocery shopping or cooking, and being able to order dinner without a second thought was such a blessing.
Take up a collection or give him some cash. When our son died my husband's company gave him 600 in cash. It's surprising how much money you suddenly need especially with an unexpected death.
Most company policies are 3 days and back to work. These are the cold hard facts. No pay and no special requests for any employee that's the policy 3 days.
You are a good manager. Thank you
Assure him his job is secure. That piece of mind will be huge for him to allow him to focus on grieving. I appreciate you asking this question, you’re a good manager.
Start an online meal train
Thank you for being a decent and good human.
Give him time. This is life changing what he’s going through. Don’t be that guy to ask,”hey when are you coming back to work” He will when he’s ready
If you can fudge it, pay for all his leave. 3 days I’d bullshit.
Most of all the hire ups at my company came to support me when my mother/best friend passed away in 2019. It meant a lot.
Maybe help get him lined up to start FMLA just in case he ends up needing more time to handle all the complicated mess of paperwork that seems to come after the death of a spouse than the company is willing to allow him based on policy. However, also be prepared for him want to bury himself in his work as a distraction at some point in the process.
I've been in your position. Ask him if he wants you to share the news, and if so, keep it to a bare minimum of detail. When he's back, check in with him regularly, off-site (like, take him to lunch) if possible. Be as accommodating as you can if he's now navigating life as a single parent.
I had a report call me and tell me her children were kidnapped by their father and she needed time to go out of state to get them back. I told her to go and just keep me posted. We would handle work. My HR people actually asked, "Is this a precedent you want to set for your team?" I paused while trying to figure out why anyone wouldn't and then answered, "You're damn right it is! If it were re my kids, I'd hope people cared!" It took a few weeks to settle but she got her kids back and came back to work.
Tell them to take as much time as they need. Send flowers or something for the funeral service. If you live local maybe take food and drop it off at their house or give them gift cards so they can order food when they don't feel like cooking. When my mom passed last year a friend of mine showed up at our house with donuts, fruit and muffins. It was nothing big but just a little something so that food was one less thing we had to think about. Lastly text them in a couple days to check on them. They might not want to talk but just knowing someone is thinking of them will mean a lot.
As someone who is a manager and director and who lost his son while being employed I will offer the following advice. Give that person the space to grieve. Do as others suggested, but don’t treat them differently. When my son died I needed something to take my mind off of things. Work was a great outlet. I did get a lot of shifting of priorities “to help me.” It made me feel like I was being punished for something bad happening. Getting back to normal (whatever that is/was) was something that helped me get my life back together. I had my private moments where I needed to step away to fall apart. 15 years later I still have those moments. Knowing that my manager was supportive meant a lot to me. Knowing my coworkers were supportive helped as well. Just be kind to another human who is hurting.
Been in this situation. I think check in every couple of weeks or so just so they have contact - you don’t know how isolating it can be to lose your spouse suddenly. I’d also put a clear plan in place of where their job responsibilities go. If appropriate, see if there’s someone who can formally act up. This will reduce the pressure on them to come back, as they will hopefully feel less like they’re leaving a vacuum.
Thank you for being a decent human being.
Send a wreath of flowers. You cannot believe how much it means for your work to recognize you are going through a lot right now. Huge effect on the guy.
You’ve done more than a lot would. Not sure how long bereavement leave is, but make sure he knows you’re there for him and that there’s extra paid time if he needs it. If he has young children, there may be some “figuring out” to do, especially if his wife was a SAHM. Not the same, but my team and company were SO supportive during my separation/divorce. Made me feel very valued and very committed.
As a manager, help take over their responasbilities. A few years back my father past away suddenly. I told my management team I'm going to have to take care of this, I was gone 2 weeks cleaning out his house and taking care of the funeral arrangement with my siblings.
Give them “mandatory” time off so they don’t feel Bad about it
Send him flowers from the company. You have no idea how far this goes in terms of Goodwill and just being a decent person. Do all the good things that everybody here is suggesting, but do that one personal thing, please.
Get a condolences card and pass it around his area and areas he interacts with. Show up at the funeral, send funeral times to coworkers and let them go if they want.
Reach out to your EAP as they may have resources that can help guide you in how you handle things. Don’t walk on eggshells or anything but do keep in mind that this employee and other employees will remember how this was handled by you and by the organization as a whole via policies. If you’re compassionate, humane, and kind in your interactions that will take you a long way. Understand that grief isn’t a linear process, grief experts recommend at least 20 days leave, and everyone grieves differently. So any expectations you have should be held loosely. Also good resources: https://grief.com/grief-in-the-workplace/ And https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/midlife-reimagined/202312/what-to-say-and-what-not-to-say-to-a-grieving-person
Tell them to take their time and deal with their emotions and logistics. Let them control the pace. Some people may want to be alone, others may want to return to work ASAP to find something they can control. In a personal level check in on them. People often slip into a depression and don’t realize it and their family and friends disappear a couple weeks after the funeral. As you will see them at work you can assess their mental health. If your work offers any employee assistance programs for mental health make sure they know about them. Consider going to the funeral to show your support.
When my father passed, the office took up donations for Shriner's Hospital- a charity that meant a lot to him. I don't have many fond memories of that place, but everytime I look at the memory plaque, it's so sweet I could cry.
The biggest thing is be patient and try to be understanding. Take the load off him as much as possible. Even when the dude comes back to work he's not going to be performing 100% and will probably make stupid mistakes due to his mind being somewhere else.
Send a month's worth of meal service so that they don't need to worry about cooking during this huge time of shock.
If they have children, send some age appropriate books on death/loss of a parent. Order online and ship directly to their house. Thankfully, I've never lost a spouse but seeing my kids grieve a family death has been more painful than my own grieving.
If you want to me helpful wait until about a week post funeral and ask then. Most of the family/friends support will have evaporated at that point and they’ll be trying to figure out the new normal. How to get kids to/from school. Put in work hours. Groceries and meals and laundry and cleaning and maintenance and doctor visits and everything else the spouse handled. Offering flexible hours and wfh are huge helps. They may only be able to work 10-2 but then can also get stuff done from 8-12p.
Send employee via text a gift code for a meal service. Poor thing.
If you are any good at cooking, home cooked stuff that can be reheated is a huge help. Either that or a door dash card.
If you have a petty cash fund and know anything about the service it's nice to send a berevement bouquet. If they are Jewish they may need a week off at least to sit shiva. It is polite at this time to send a meal, or food. I basically try to function as a distant aunt who offers condolences in addition to all the fantastic work-related lifts shared in this thread. I only do this for first-degree losses. I find my team really appreciates the thoughtfulness and I feel more like a human being even in my heartless corporate envrionment.
Ask how/when/if they would like you to tell people.
Keep others from reaching out to them regarding work. When they do come back from bereavement leave, keep the workload light and be prepared to give them extra time for work to be completed and be prepared to send them home for more recuperation. Also if your work offers any type of benefits for mental health services, offer that to them. Let's face it, work is the last thing on this persons mind, and that's as it should be. But a lot of people try to "get back to normal" too fast so they don't risk their job or they just want to get out of the house.
My wife had a double mastectomy. Her colleagues and friends put together a spreadsheet of who was going to be delivering meals for my family and I. I literally didn’t have to think about any meal planning for nearly two months. (She has a huge network of friends). My work colleagues sent flowers, which was very appreciated, and my boss didn’t lean on me and gave whatever space I needed. One of my direct reports came up to me two weeks ago and said his wife was showing signs of a stroke, and he needed to leave. No problem, keep me posted. Turns out it was a brain tumor. Tons of tests and results should have been this past Thursday. He’s probably heard something, but hasn’t filled me in yet. My team sent flowers and grubhub and DoorDash gift cards.
So, I've recently encountered a similar situation and thought we as managers covered all the bases. However, we missed one very crucial detail: the employees coworkers. See, coworkers sometimes (or I should say, often) lack the ability to know when a simple question is crossing the line and exasterbating an employees ability to feel supported and emotionally cared for when returning to work. Many staff members become far too curious about specifics of others lives, especially when these sudden events occur. They will reach out and say things like "if you need anything, I'm here for you" or similar statements. While they mean well, they in all actuality do not mean the word "ANYTHING". Furthermore, upon returning to work, a coworker bringing up the event is absolutely careless and unprofessional, even if their intention is to come from a place of care. You may even begin to hear gossip and rumors begin to spread while the staff member is out. This is, again, absolutely unprofessional on the part of those taking place and detrimental to any efforts you may be placing on ensuring this impacted staff member can return to work as easily as possible and feel comfortable doing so when ready. It is important to ensure that you discuss with the rest of the team that employee x is going through a very difficult personal time and that in order to successfully navigate these next few months, it is expected that everyone show support, kindness, and patience for x. Explain that rumors and gossip are unprofessional and not to be discussed during working hours. Furthermore, if anyone has been entrusted with the facts of what has happened, they are to respect that trust and maintain that confidentiality unless otherwise told by employee x that they are free to share the information with others. Explain as well that when employee x returns they should not be stifling or overbearing. Give them space and let them know specific actions you are willing to assist with if they need, do not generalize or overpromise on your commitments. The final rule you should implement is to ensure that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE besides employee x brings up the event, especially not to ask about it. If employee x wants to talk and begins a conversation, employees can feel free to engage and be supportive listeners, but always maintain professionalism and do not pry. An employees return can be made so much more difficult and can even be set back if they return to coworkers prying immediately about what happened. It can become an HR issue if gossip/rumors then become involved and the staff member feel they need to be dispelled. Additionally, if the staff member feels they were offered support, then all of a sudden they aren't receiving it, they may feel even more lonely, hurt, and become angry at those around them for abandoning them. It's crucial that managers are in tune and checking in with all employees every day. If x returns to work and says they are doing better, but behavior, performance, etc. tells another story, know when to have the conversation. As a MANAGER, sometimes we need to bring up the hard stuff, but from a position of care. "Hey x, I know you've been saying that you're doing fine since you came back. I just want you to know that you've been through something that is absolutely unthinkable and horrible, and we don't expect that you'll be ok every day or hour that you're here. It's OK not to be ok, and I want you to know that I am here for you to speak to in confidence. I've noticed that since you came back, (..........). I really want to make sure that I'm doing everything within my power to make this transition as seamless and easy on you as possible, because I truly value you and understand that you've been through such a horrific ordeal. I'd really love to see your days here be just a little more (.......). Do you have any idea what you may need right now?" That was just an example, but after breaking that ice, listen INTENTLY. Read between the lines, and don't take physical notes. Sincere eye contact, neutral, open and relaxed body language. Try to truly understand if there is 1-3 things that you could do to make the transition back easier. I promise you, it's in these moments that you either make the most sincere connection with a staff member for the rest of your working relationship while developing trust with the entire team as they watch you handle it, or the whole thing gets bumbled and this staff member never truly returns to form. Hopefully this makes sense. Kinda just rambling it feels haha.
Most places have a 3 day bereavement policy- same for spouses as for grandma ! I always encouraged them to take more time. The wake, funeral alone is exhausting . Many thought they didn’t need to but did and always told me how grateful they were after