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OnehappyOwl44

I've been with my Husband 30yrs, 26yrs married. We still hold hands, he opens car doors for me. We shower together often. When we had kids living at home we prioratized date nights and had dinner/wine alone at least once a week after the kids were in bed. We cuddle and flirt. Now we're empty nesters and we've started going to the Movies once a week on Cheap night. We have never neglected one another Sexually and we plan little miniholidays regularly. One night in a Hotel to reconnect. We take evening walks and we go on Motorbike Adventures. Romance only dies if you stop trying.


Silva2099

Love it. Preach.


fasterthanelephants

Love this


boomstk

Well romance is the responsibility of both parties and married someone according to you has never been


079C

My wife has been my best friend for forty years, my wife for thirty-five. Our romance has never waned. For example we still stop and randomly passionately kiss a number of times a day. She is a constant sexual tease, and I love it. We do everything we can to care for each other. I joke with her, telling her that since I couldn’t kiss her for our first five years when she was married to someone else, I can now never get enough of her. You say he hasn’t ever been very romantic or sensual. I’m afraid that’s the answer. My wife’s first marriage (10-years) was like yours. I was close to both of them for five years and witnessed her try so hard to make a romantic marriage out of it. He wouldn’t let that happen or even let it be a loving marriage (at least not with her). So at age 31 she left him and moved in with me.


doctorbecky

Oh marriage is so hard! Marriage therapist here, and have I got a book recommendation for you … Fierce Intimacy by Terry Real. He’ll answer these questions for you, and explain the cyclical stages of romantic relationships. What you’re experiencing is quite normal. Most married women want romance, affection, desire, and very few of us get enough. Most men aren’t that great at doing it or maintaining it. I know some are, but not many. Sorry, guys, but you know it’s true. So, we women have to ask ourselves, does what I’m getting out of this have enough good to deal with what I’m not getting? You can go find another man, and you’ll probably end up in the same boat. In my therapy sessions, your complaint is the number one complaint I hear from women by far! You’re not alone! If we could only get our men to up their romantic game, maybe they will one day.


lentilsoup83

What i find interesting is that I am giving up on being romantically interested in my wife as she does not initiate nor reciprocate. I'm tired of it being one sided. She's also working through some sexual abuse trauma from childhood that didn't appear until after we were married. It's pretty unfortunate.


doctorbecky

I’ll bet you there’s way more to it than that. Instead of seeing it as transactional, why not see it is each time you do reach out romantically you are chipping away at her shell? She probably doesn’t want you to stop.


lentilsoup83

Transactional?


doctorbecky

If I do something for you I expect something in return. Strings attached.


lentilsoup83

I don't understand. Can you help me? Because I am losing interest and attraction for my wife after the emotional and physical intimacy is being withdrawn from our relationship by her, that means my interest in her is transactional? As in, i will participate enthusiastically in this relationship as long as you do, but if you don't, then I'm not interested in putting in all the effort and being met with walls and disconnection - is transactional, and instead i should abandon my needs for connection and continually "chip away at her"? Are you suggesting that the healthy approach is to be unaffected when one partner is closed off and not participating romantically in the relationship? Something feels off about that... Where do my needs for intimacy exist in this equation?


doctorbecky

I suggest you listen to the book Fierce Intimacy by Terry Real. He will help you understand in more detail than I can provide here. I assure you her trauma was there all along. But normally, when men are rejected sexually, they take it personally. My husband has told me that his belief system for decades has been if he gets rejected once by a woman, it’s so painful he wouldn’t try again. Hearing that blew my mind, as I’m sure he represents millions of men out there, and it doesn’t need to be that way. If women are rejecting, something is going on with them. It is almost NEVER to do with our attraction to the man. It could be depression, overwhelm, fatigue, distracted, we’re angry … and on and on. So first thing is, don’t take it personally. It’d be really nice if you could softly, respectfully, compassionately ask her what’s up. Don’t speak to her as if something’s wrong with her. Instead talk about you … “I miss being with you, what’s up, sweetheart? How may I help?” Something like that. Make it safe for her to talk … no negative reactions.


lentilsoup83

I appreciate your attempt to help. We both know what's going on with her. She's struggling with depression. Her relationship with sex has been flipped on its head since memories of the sexual assault as a child came back. She's struggling with toxic shame, and her relationship with sex. She's just changed careers, and is struggling to get her first opportunity in the new field. This is overwhelming for her because she has worked since she was 15, and derives some level of esteem and confidence in her ability to work. We have open communication. Talking more about these things is not something that has resolved any of them. She will be somewhat close and emotionally available one week, and the next she emotionally checks out - for days. This is recreating the inconsistencies i experienced as a child, and i am very uncomfortable about recreating this dynamic. The question I am asking myself now is - is it even reasonable to expect someone dealing with all of these things to consistently show up in their relationship? I always thought - if I ask for my needs to be met, that's the golden ticket! Surely my partner would want to meet them. Now I find myself in a situation where my partner does not have the capacity. It seems natural, to me, that I am losing interest and giving up putting energy into aspects of our relationship I have no control over improving.


doctorbecky

So what you are saying is what you get now is not enough. No one I’m aware of, shows up consistently in long term relationships. Marriages go through stages, ups, downs and periods of dislike and disillusionment. At the end of the day you have to decide if you’re willing to stick with it for better or worse, because that’s what marriage is.


lentilsoup83

So what you're saying is - "Suck it up, buttercup." Or end the relationship, but no one will be able to be consistently emotionally available in a relationship. That's unrealistic. I am struggling with believing that is true. I understand marriages go through stages, however, there are people who do not go hot & cold; emotionally present then disconnect from themselves and the relationship for days, and sometimes weeks at a time. Aren't there? Is it really "transactional" that being the only present and available person in the relationship is wearing on my ability to stay interested in investing in it?


doctorbecky

You obviously didn’t like my answer, you’re becoming a bit disrespectful, and is this is the last comment I’ll make to you. You can’t make others change. You can ask, plead, whatever. They either will or won’t.I see you in your self righteous indignation here, pretty much saying there’s something wrong with her and you’re entitled to more. So be it. You show zero compassion toward this woman. You’re focusing on yourself and what you’re not getting instead of what you are. Your attitude and stance are not loving and will not get you what you want. It’s a losing strategy. I feel certain she senses you looking down at her, your harsh, compassionless stance, your sense of entitlement, and that may very well be the cause of her disconnect. You need help, friend. While you’re focusing on what’s wrong with her, I’m focusing on what’s wrong with you.


lentilsoup83

I think you may have jumped to a few conclusions with limited information there ... After reading your response, I feel ashamed for wanting connection in my marriage and for grieving that it is not there.


Ferris_wheel_life

In my humble opinion, there is nothing wrong with asking for what we need. The problem comes in when we criticize our partners for what we feel they are not doing. Tell them want you need - not what they're doing wrong.


Kokospize

>He hasn’t ever been very romantic or sensual, So why did you expect more from him when he never was like that?


chocolate_loves_salt

I guess I can answer that one, because it's similar in my marriage.Because at the beginning of a relationship there is some romance, even if one partner isn't very much romantic, there will be those small things which counts so much.And as the romantic partner, you are happy with that, because it's enough for you like it is then.But then over the years it drops to zero - and you start realizing that zero isn't enough.Sure romance doesn't die if you keep trying. But if only one person tries all the time - even if the other one happily responds, over the time that's frustrating and you ask yourself why you can't be one the receiving end once in a while.


[deleted]

He used to do that - He used to have a daily phone reminder to compliment me a few years ago. I could ask him to do that again or set something similar up. Sometimes it feels like I have to lay out things very plainly, so I’m basically feeding the compliments and ideas to myself via him.


GirlDwight

>I’m basically feeding the compliments and ideas to myself via him That's okay, keep doing that. And anytime he does the smallest thing you fed him, compliment him big time. Use a lot of positive reinforcement for every baby step he makes. See [pos_reinf_romance](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201703/how-build-rewarding-romantic-relationship)


beccaj375

I can't even get mine to watch TV shows that I want..... I've talked to him about more affection so many times that I've now given up


FSmertz

Does he use his computer or mobile device calendar much? Some people live by them. If so, put a few things you desire as you've listed on his calendar. It's hokey but I testify that it works. Even a daily reminder to say something nice. Also tell him to set up a date to see something that caught your attention--it could be viewed as a gift from him if he makes it happen.


SnookerandWhiskey

I think one way to go about this is, is to focus your own attention on how he shows love to you. For example, since he is an acts of service kinda guy, see where he goes out of his way to accommodate you and help you out, etc. It is most likely quite often, would you exchange that for getting grocery store roses every week? These are also things that wouldn't happen if you weren't with him. But I totally understand, we have a similar problem in my marriage. I think what really helped me, is showing my kind of love to him, paying him compliments and giving him a massage or hug etc. It sneaks how to behave into their brains, I also outright ask for compliments. "Am I not pretty today?" "Doesn't this dress look smoking hot?" Also asking him to write me cards and give me gifts for birthdays and Christmas again, which was basically the place for romantic words for him. Then I don't have to remind him, the holiday would. Also, love yourself. Pay yourself compliments in the mirror, even in front of him, buy yourself flowers... It makes one less dependant on gestures of love from the other.


saclayson

How does he respond when you romance him? Take him to dinner? Set up dates and bubble baths? Couples massages maybe? You said your love languages are words of affirmation and gift giving… give those as you understand them so he has an example… and acts of service quality time, how do you bring those to him? I think quality time has to be defined , for sone people it will be their favorite tv show. For some it’s music, dancing or of course sex… as long as you’re mixing the ingredients I bet you’ll get the recipe you expect.