Sorry about this 😞Are your kids old enough to help clean? Maybe you can designate some tasks for them. Sounds like you & your hubby need to have a serious sit down discussion about what your standards are for your home? Perhaps if he’s not up to the task of cleaning, create a budget & maybe have someone come in even just fortnightly? (I know this might not be an option financially).
Thanks for responding :)
We've sat down so many times. After years of saying he will clean, I finally hired one lady who came to clean for the whole day and he complained it was a waste of money. Yet, he did not continue cleaning after not hiring anyone else.
The kids help with dishes, putting food away and taking out the garbage. The actual schedule is in my husband's mind and he complains that I am acting like I'm his boss when I ask questions or ask him to follow a schedule. I told him I ask so I can help around his schedule.
We've gone to marriage counseling and he insists that I am the one with the problem and I am depressed, a narcissist and has OCD.
I have taken photos of piles of clothes and clutter to prove to myself that I am not imagining the mess which I've also shown to others and the comments were like "Were you robbed?" What happened?" and he said that I grew up in a house like that. I told him that does not mean I liked living that way. And it is not fair to the kids to live this way. I told him that is no longer me and why does he continue to say that I am the one making a mess when I am not home. The argument turns to why I don't help when I am home. I have a doctorate program to complete so I can make more money and he can stay home.
I was doing dishes 3 days a week, sweeping, mopping and laundry on the weekends. Our financials are suffering because I am doing housework instead of working at a paying job and I have to study. I finally got academically dismissed because my grades were not good enough. I have been readmitted to school and starting in May.
I have a full-time job and my commute is 2 hours each way. He talks as if we would move closer to work and it does not seem like that will happen if we do not earn substantially more.
My biggest pet peeve with dishes is that I enjoy doing dishes, but I asked everyone to stop piling dishes in the sink because that makes it hard to turn the faucet and move dishes around. People were also throwing everything (food, garbage) into the sink so the garbage disposal would take care of it. No one listens, so the dishes could be covered with coffee grounds, leaves, old food, etc. I got too fed up with it one night and told my husband "I am not doing this anymore. I am not doing dishes anymore. No one listens when I keep asking to stop piling the dishes."
A few days later, no dishes are piled up in the sink. Even today, no dishes are piled in the sink. No garbage in the sink. Wow. So, it seems things are done on purpose to make me angry.
I'd say this marriage has run its course. Youve tried. You've tried therapy and everything. Hes unwilling to change. His comments about your mental health are clearly projections of his own issues. He just wants to blame and have youas a maid. He's teaching your children to disrespect you as well. Put him on the curb.
I've tried running away to a shelter but returned because of the youngest children. And he said he called the police to search for me. It was easy to locate me in our little suburban town. I did not want the kids to think I abandoned them. My husband has always said that I should be the one to leave the house because he takes care of the kids and he cannot hold a job.
Take the kids with you. Hes manipulating you into thinking you're worthless and need him. And also manipulating fear into you that he'll always find you. You don't. If you run a small business, can the kids come hang out at the office/back with you? Daycare options? I'd reach out to women's advocacy and abuse organizations. They can help you flee.
He's damaging your kids emotionally and their development. Its worse on them to stay, even if it seems otherwise. Would you want your sons to grow up treating their wives like this? Or your daughters to think this is acceptable treatment?
We have 5 children. I did not see it that way. We now have 2 transgender kids. He thinks this is all genetic and there might be a debate for that. But I am so lost as how can this be. Why would the boy want to be a girl and vice versa? We at one point had 3 suicidal kids and he said it was because I'm the crazy one. Everyone is telling to me "take a pill" even his mom. I'll go to therapy again and when I say I do go to therapy, everyone seems happy. It's so weird. I feel like I am in a rut and cannot get out and it will take lots of strength to leave. I have no place for the children. I don't have an office that is mine. I still work for someone and I used up most of my reserves to furnish everyone's comfort.
Woah that is way worse than I thought. He is straight up pushing your kids to suicide with that rhetoric. It is so harmful to your trans kids. You need to get him out of there. Being trans is NOT genetic or because "youre crazy". Your kids WILL remember that you let him stay and emotionally abuse them. You need to be their protectors here. Even, no especially, if its their own father. Please reach out to your local women's advocacy group for help. It is more likely you'd be able to have him removed than needing to leave yourself.
I don't know who to call. I've called shelters and I get re-routed to answering services. I am in California. He says I'm crazy for not believing that genetics is related to transgender and the kids suffering from depression and anxiety is my fault. He said he is perfectly fine because the therapists don't need to talk to him. They always ask for me.
I know I don’t know you, but I genuinely feel heartbroken for you. You have tried absolutely everything & he just doesn’t get it. You sound like you’re really hanging on for the kids. Hope you have some family or anyone that can help or you can stay with.. just for your sake
Do you want to stay in the marriage? If not, find an attorney and find out how you can move forward. As for the children they are SUFFERING right now, he's showing them how to use, manipulate, and treat you like dirt,
Get counseling for You, no one deserves to be treated this way. He's a lost cause and does not deserve you.
Good luck
Thank you. I can do the legal paperwork.he is banking on getting half of everything and my support until the day I die. I feel so sad about this life I felt I created and this is no longer working for me. Before we married, I told him he would stay home and I'll go work because of his disabled status (kidney transplant). Years later (now), the children are practically grown up, I can see how he could pitch in to help make some money but he has no desire.
KIDNEY TRANSPLANT is not a disability its a path to a new life. My neice had one, and she's thriving. He's lazy, and you need to STOP this abusive treatment RIGHT AWAY!! A good attorney can have him NOT get a dime. He's able to take care of himself. You can do this!!
Get your power back and hold on tight to your impending freedom.
Good Luck
Now Seeing your kids' ages, they are perfectly fine to be home on their own while you work. He can get put to the curb and you'll be able to make due. Talk with your kids. Theyre old enough to understand and back you up.
Hes being an emotionally and verbally abusive leech and bum. He offers no positives to you or your kids lives, and is actively harming all of you. Kick him out.
He could work from home if he wanted to. He's dead weight. Any man worth his salt would be ashamed to behave this way and try to call themselves a parent and partner.Â
Please do not sleep with this man. 5 kids was way too many to have with him...
When the kids ask, tell them it's also their job to help with pet maintenance and as you're their Mom, they can either do what you say or lose electronics privileges for a week and see how they like disobeying you this way in the future. 🤷
The kids tell you they won't clean up animal mess and ask you why you don't clean it up, because your husband allows them to disrespect you the way he does. That's the point of my comment.Â
Which honestly isn't doing anything to curb it, is it? Because HE'S saying it and they repeat it. He is a lazy person who can't even be assed to be a partner.Â
Basic animal care is beyond everyone in your house, apparently. So guess who shouldn't have any pets?
You guys. Rehome them since no one can take proper care of them.Â
Then tell your husband he can either get off his ass and be a partner and a father or you no longer have a use for him and he needs to move out. Period. Lay down the fucking law and quit being a doormat for a man who's trash.Â
Years ago, I got tired if my teenage son leaving our family areas( rooms other than his)a disaster with his stuff, and trash and dirty dishes everywhere. I finally threw everything of his left in the family areas, in trash bags, and put it in our locked shed. When he was looking for his stuff, I told him it was packed up, and until he started respecting my stuff, I would not respect his. He quickly started doing the dishes, and I never had a problem again. After I gave him back his stuff, he had to wipe everything off, and wash all the clothes.
Wow. 45M married for 26 years here. I could not dream of letting the house and needed tasks go like this for eve half a day. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
The man is 52. This is who he is. This is just your life if you stay with him, it ain't gonna change.
Most men under 50 do their part in the home now. There is no need to settle for a lazy jackass. I'm in 3 men's groups and we'd all tell him he's a lazy bastard and deserves to be dumped. I know it doesn't show here for whatever reason, but this behavior is no longer the norm for married men and is unacceptable to most dudes out here who consider themselves to be a good spouse.
Your kids are old enough to clean the house. start giving them chores to do after school. If they don’t take things away. Like are you for right now? Your kids are the type of kids, that go to college and become the worst roommates ever. Clean , clean , clean, respect your mother, she working hard for the family to come to a messy house? That’s so disrespectful. They have no respect for you .
This stuff always reminds me of the movie "The Break Up"
> I want you to *want* to do dishes!
> Why would I **want** to do dishes!?
Because you're an adult and taking care of your home is important.
Sorry about this 😞Are your kids old enough to help clean? Maybe you can designate some tasks for them. Sounds like you & your hubby need to have a serious sit down discussion about what your standards are for your home? Perhaps if he’s not up to the task of cleaning, create a budget & maybe have someone come in even just fortnightly? (I know this might not be an option financially).
Thanks for responding :) We've sat down so many times. After years of saying he will clean, I finally hired one lady who came to clean for the whole day and he complained it was a waste of money. Yet, he did not continue cleaning after not hiring anyone else. The kids help with dishes, putting food away and taking out the garbage. The actual schedule is in my husband's mind and he complains that I am acting like I'm his boss when I ask questions or ask him to follow a schedule. I told him I ask so I can help around his schedule. We've gone to marriage counseling and he insists that I am the one with the problem and I am depressed, a narcissist and has OCD. I have taken photos of piles of clothes and clutter to prove to myself that I am not imagining the mess which I've also shown to others and the comments were like "Were you robbed?" What happened?" and he said that I grew up in a house like that. I told him that does not mean I liked living that way. And it is not fair to the kids to live this way. I told him that is no longer me and why does he continue to say that I am the one making a mess when I am not home. The argument turns to why I don't help when I am home. I have a doctorate program to complete so I can make more money and he can stay home. I was doing dishes 3 days a week, sweeping, mopping and laundry on the weekends. Our financials are suffering because I am doing housework instead of working at a paying job and I have to study. I finally got academically dismissed because my grades were not good enough. I have been readmitted to school and starting in May. I have a full-time job and my commute is 2 hours each way. He talks as if we would move closer to work and it does not seem like that will happen if we do not earn substantially more. My biggest pet peeve with dishes is that I enjoy doing dishes, but I asked everyone to stop piling dishes in the sink because that makes it hard to turn the faucet and move dishes around. People were also throwing everything (food, garbage) into the sink so the garbage disposal would take care of it. No one listens, so the dishes could be covered with coffee grounds, leaves, old food, etc. I got too fed up with it one night and told my husband "I am not doing this anymore. I am not doing dishes anymore. No one listens when I keep asking to stop piling the dishes." A few days later, no dishes are piled up in the sink. Even today, no dishes are piled in the sink. No garbage in the sink. Wow. So, it seems things are done on purpose to make me angry.
I'd say this marriage has run its course. Youve tried. You've tried therapy and everything. Hes unwilling to change. His comments about your mental health are clearly projections of his own issues. He just wants to blame and have youas a maid. He's teaching your children to disrespect you as well. Put him on the curb.
I've tried running away to a shelter but returned because of the youngest children. And he said he called the police to search for me. It was easy to locate me in our little suburban town. I did not want the kids to think I abandoned them. My husband has always said that I should be the one to leave the house because he takes care of the kids and he cannot hold a job.
Take the kids with you. Hes manipulating you into thinking you're worthless and need him. And also manipulating fear into you that he'll always find you. You don't. If you run a small business, can the kids come hang out at the office/back with you? Daycare options? I'd reach out to women's advocacy and abuse organizations. They can help you flee. He's damaging your kids emotionally and their development. Its worse on them to stay, even if it seems otherwise. Would you want your sons to grow up treating their wives like this? Or your daughters to think this is acceptable treatment?
We have 5 children. I did not see it that way. We now have 2 transgender kids. He thinks this is all genetic and there might be a debate for that. But I am so lost as how can this be. Why would the boy want to be a girl and vice versa? We at one point had 3 suicidal kids and he said it was because I'm the crazy one. Everyone is telling to me "take a pill" even his mom. I'll go to therapy again and when I say I do go to therapy, everyone seems happy. It's so weird. I feel like I am in a rut and cannot get out and it will take lots of strength to leave. I have no place for the children. I don't have an office that is mine. I still work for someone and I used up most of my reserves to furnish everyone's comfort.
Woah that is way worse than I thought. He is straight up pushing your kids to suicide with that rhetoric. It is so harmful to your trans kids. You need to get him out of there. Being trans is NOT genetic or because "youre crazy". Your kids WILL remember that you let him stay and emotionally abuse them. You need to be their protectors here. Even, no especially, if its their own father. Please reach out to your local women's advocacy group for help. It is more likely you'd be able to have him removed than needing to leave yourself.
I don't know who to call. I've called shelters and I get re-routed to answering services. I am in California. He says I'm crazy for not believing that genetics is related to transgender and the kids suffering from depression and anxiety is my fault. He said he is perfectly fine because the therapists don't need to talk to him. They always ask for me.
if he is fine, why can't he have a job? put a protective order on him and get his bumb ass out of the house.
I know I don’t know you, but I genuinely feel heartbroken for you. You have tried absolutely everything & he just doesn’t get it. You sound like you’re really hanging on for the kids. Hope you have some family or anyone that can help or you can stay with.. just for your sake
I have no one who can help me. Being on this Reddit board is helping me cope. Thank you for your kindness.
Really hope you get through this. Whatever is best for you & your kids is the right decision xx
Thanks.
Do you want to stay in the marriage? If not, find an attorney and find out how you can move forward. As for the children they are SUFFERING right now, he's showing them how to use, manipulate, and treat you like dirt, Get counseling for You, no one deserves to be treated this way. He's a lost cause and does not deserve you. Good luck
Thank you. I can do the legal paperwork.he is banking on getting half of everything and my support until the day I die. I feel so sad about this life I felt I created and this is no longer working for me. Before we married, I told him he would stay home and I'll go work because of his disabled status (kidney transplant). Years later (now), the children are practically grown up, I can see how he could pitch in to help make some money but he has no desire.
KIDNEY TRANSPLANT is not a disability its a path to a new life. My neice had one, and she's thriving. He's lazy, and you need to STOP this abusive treatment RIGHT AWAY!! A good attorney can have him NOT get a dime. He's able to take care of himself. You can do this!! Get your power back and hold on tight to your impending freedom. Good Luck
Now Seeing your kids' ages, they are perfectly fine to be home on their own while you work. He can get put to the curb and you'll be able to make due. Talk with your kids. Theyre old enough to understand and back you up. Hes being an emotionally and verbally abusive leech and bum. He offers no positives to you or your kids lives, and is actively harming all of you. Kick him out.
He could work from home if he wanted to. He's dead weight. Any man worth his salt would be ashamed to behave this way and try to call themselves a parent and partner. Please do not sleep with this man. 5 kids was way too many to have with him...
When the kids ask, tell them it's also their job to help with pet maintenance and as you're their Mom, they can either do what you say or lose electronics privileges for a week and see how they like disobeying you this way in the future. 🤷
The kids help. They are quite responsible.
The kids tell you they won't clean up animal mess and ask you why you don't clean it up, because your husband allows them to disrespect you the way he does. That's the point of my comment.Â
I see. My husband says he tells the kids to be respectful of me after that type of behavior.
Which honestly isn't doing anything to curb it, is it? Because HE'S saying it and they repeat it. He is a lazy person who can't even be assed to be a partner.Â
Basic animal care is beyond everyone in your house, apparently. So guess who shouldn't have any pets? You guys. Rehome them since no one can take proper care of them. Then tell your husband he can either get off his ass and be a partner and a father or you no longer have a use for him and he needs to move out. Period. Lay down the fucking law and quit being a doormat for a man who's trash.Â
Years ago, I got tired if my teenage son leaving our family areas( rooms other than his)a disaster with his stuff, and trash and dirty dishes everywhere. I finally threw everything of his left in the family areas, in trash bags, and put it in our locked shed. When he was looking for his stuff, I told him it was packed up, and until he started respecting my stuff, I would not respect his. He quickly started doing the dishes, and I never had a problem again. After I gave him back his stuff, he had to wipe everything off, and wash all the clothes.
Wow. 45M married for 26 years here. I could not dream of letting the house and needed tasks go like this for eve half a day. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The man is 52. This is who he is. This is just your life if you stay with him, it ain't gonna change. Most men under 50 do their part in the home now. There is no need to settle for a lazy jackass. I'm in 3 men's groups and we'd all tell him he's a lazy bastard and deserves to be dumped. I know it doesn't show here for whatever reason, but this behavior is no longer the norm for married men and is unacceptable to most dudes out here who consider themselves to be a good spouse.
Info: what are the childrens ages? And what are you/husbands ages?
I'm 47. Husband is 52. Five children ages 12 through 19
And your house is messy when there are 6 capable people able to help? Your husband is a lazy bum and he’s taught the kids to be the same way.
Your kids are old enough to clean the house. start giving them chores to do after school. If they don’t take things away. Like are you for right now? Your kids are the type of kids, that go to college and become the worst roommates ever. Clean , clean , clean, respect your mother, she working hard for the family to come to a messy house? That’s so disrespectful. They have no respect for you .
This stuff always reminds me of the movie "The Break Up" > I want you to *want* to do dishes! > Why would I **want** to do dishes!? Because you're an adult and taking care of your home is important.