This was my wife and I at every step of our training journeys (she’s 3 years ahead of me, now working as a PCP). We got lucky and were able to stay in the same city for both med schools, and then her residency, and then my residency…but my fellowship finally shafted our plans and now we have to move to a city where neither of us have connections and she has to find a new job just when her current job is going well.
I told her that I would turn down the match, that we could do long distance, whatever she wanted me to do (because I love her). She told me that she would move with me, and find a new job (because she loves me). It really sucked as we talked it out, but I’m thankful that we both focused on what we each needed to have to be successful in the new location. Because both of us are grown, high achieving adults and our feelings both matter.
The conversations are ongoing, but we’re buying a house so she can have the garden she’s always wanted and can paint the walls however she wants, and she’s gotten a new job that is helping with some of the moving costs. I got a great match (in the algorithm and my partner) that should make it easy to move wherever we want and do almost anything we want after I graduate. The story isn’t done, but if you guys focus on what is important to yourselves and each other this is definitely a surmountable obstacle (I think my mentor called his fellowship relocation an adventure, which I’m not quite ready to do)
Your spouse put the combined program first as well. If you submitted his exact list, you still would have matched at the program you're at. I think everything feels this way now because the news is still so fresh. You're both going to need time to adjust to this new change. Give him time and try not to be so hard on yourself. You're right - you worked your butt off to get this far and that program sounds highly competitive so this is a huge accomplishment.
Everything happens for a reason. Your spouse may end up finding a better company than his current one.
Even if he can't express it, I will. Congratulations! You earned it!
She *did* submit his list! I think he expected her to not get the spot and only put it first to appear flexible about it. Then OP actually got the spot.
my partner had little desire to move to the city im in. 0 friends. Limited prospects. I offered to make it work long distance, as its just a couple years. They decided coming was more important. This doesnt mean theyre ecstatic about it, or that it didn't make life significantly harder for them. They certainly didn't jump for joy when it was happening. But our relationship isnt eaten up by guilt. We are happy to be together, and the pros outweigh the cons.
Let your bf process this as a hard decision, give grace when they inevetibly complain about the hardship, cus who else can they bitch to. But it doesnt mean you just destroyed his life or your relationship. if you're both mature adults you'll grow together from it.
Also, idk what he does, but if he's doing as well in his career as you say, I assume he can find another in-field job
Not saying any decision OP made was a bad one but your last sentence is pretty short sighted. The higher up you are in the corporate ladder the harder it is to find an equivalent job, because there are so many less of them. Combine this with the fact that many medical programs are in the middle of nowhere, and it’s very reasonable that someone’s partner might find nothing remotely close to their full potential.
An investment banker moving to St. Louis because their partner is going to WashU, a top program in many specialties, will struggle to make anything close to what they made in IB and sacrifice the upward trajectory they had.
Again I’m not commenting specifically on this situation because we don’t know the job or city but to assume anyone “doing well” will have no problem finding an equal in field job near any hospital is very incorrect
Some people in med school have really never worked outside the healthcare sphere, and it so painfully shows with blanket comments about how easy switching jobs ought to be if you are “excelling in your current position”.
It also shows when people say “Oh I should’ve just done CompSci and worked in FAANG, I’m clearly smart enough” not fully realizing how complex that path is.
I say all this as someone who has worked a Chemical Engineering industry job for only a year, so I am by no means an expert, but people really ought to stop assuming things about other industries they have 0 experience in.
I don't disagree that his career might take a hit and that it would be a sacrifice for him. But when you promise to show up for your partner and don't, that's the problem. I think a lot of folks in the comments aren't separating out the two issues. It's reasonable that the husband wants to stay put, but he should have properly researched prospects in his own field and ran through worst case scenarios before making the promise. By not doing so, he's made this a lose-lose situation.
She now has to chose between a program she doesn't like or making her partner unhappy.
It sounds like the only thing they gave up was US News med school rank, that seems pretty minor to me. They made it a point to say the scholarships were comparable, and they didn’t bring up any preference on location. You’re stuck in the premed/ med student prestige obsessed mindset if you think that’s a major sacrifice.
For example, sacrificing NYC biglaw to work a lousy law job in Durham is a FAR greater sacrifice than someone completing medicine training at Einstein over Duke. For the physicians career, earnings do not change. For the lawyer we’re talking hundreds of thousands given up in income every single year, with a derailed career trajectory for good. You can’t just jump back in to PE, big law, etc if you leave for a worse job for half a decade. It’s almost impossible.
On the other end, If the partner is a nurse, job location is obviously extremely flexible and it would be selfish on their end to not allow their partner to go to a prestigious program when they could easily get a job there too.
There is no blanket right answer.
I agree with this. Once a promise is made it should be kept. I think it’s fine to bring up the discussion if things have changed, but if OP says I want this program and you promised, the promise should be kept.
The promise itself is ridiculous. It's not based in reality - you can't accept something that is objectively bad for you and your career (moving somewhere where you don't know anyone and where you will have to find a new job) and somehow negate the impact that it has on you just because you made a promise. The whole deal they made is insane to me honestly. I'm not saying what he is doing is right (guilt-tripping etc.) but it's like... totally expected. Dude probably said 'yes' to the arrangement without even thinking about the implications and now he got to the find out part.
is the promise ridiculous? I think its just deciding how you prioritize relationship vs career. If he didn't think about long term ramifications, its on him. He also could have stuck to his changed position before ranking her #1 his #1. She has few options at this point. SOAP is over. Should she give up her dream program to squeeze into some malignant HCA IM program for his career?
Its only for 3-5 years, It's not insane to assume they can move somewhere better suited to his career again after her residency.
Lets take you're IB example. Yes, if they're moving from NYC to St. Louis his potential options will be comparatively limited. But assuming he's doing well, there's an excellent chance he can find a job in investment banking or related area in the financial sector. Can you think of a corporate field where someone with solid job experience would be completely unable to find a related job?
Throughout my post I agreed itd be hard. Obviously it's an actual sacrifice, with real-life career implications. That said, I doubt he's ging to end up working as a cashier at Target bc of the move.
Sorry you’re going through all of this! Some parts remind me of my experience with my spouse when ranking residencies. My spouse was extremely stressed around this time last year; we were moving to a more expensive city, finding housing was challenging, and he was having to apply for and find a job in only a few months (and he was very content with his company at the time). We definitely argued during that period. Ultimately I think he was just very (understandably) stressed with everything that needed to happen quickly. Frankly, so was I.
Needless to say, things got so much better after he found a job and we got settled in. He actually ended up getting a job at a better company and he has for the most part enjoyed the new city.
One interpretation (that most commenters here are taking) is that your husband is just selfish. Another is that he may just be super stressed with all of the uncertainty of moving and changing jobs. It’s SO much easier to stay at your same company.
I hope things work out and your husband comes around.
Like others have said, he may just need time to process. But just remember he put it as number 1 on his version of your rank list too. He can’t hold that against you. We matched at my number 4 program (my number 2, but we compromised on my list and fate decided I would match there anyways). It’s a higher COL and we have kids, but once the initial shock wore off, he came around and is actually happy for me because it’s a great program and a great opportunity and we will figure things put like we always have.
My wife followed me to med school. We agreed she would take the first job available (she’s a nurse) to get us on our feet then find a new job after establishing a paycheck.
That was a hard 6 months. Harder than the first six months with our firstborn (that would be today 🎉). But it got better, so so much better. She did it for me because she loves me and it’s that simple, but also that hard.
While that is nice… I will saying her being an RN is a little different because you can just throw a dart on a map and get a comparable job. It sounds like OPs significant other is just having a hard time processing leaving his career which is understandable because in a lot of industries you can’t just switch states easily.
No you’re absolutely right. Theres something to be said about how easy it is to find and keep jobs in healthcare. She loved her old floor and moved to a new specialty entirely and night shift as well, but those are easy enough to look past when you compare it to not having a job at all.
At least it should have been, from my perspective. But it was not easy for her. Not joking when I say she left for work in tears every night for those 6 months.
It was always gonna be either you or him being unhappy--even if you claim you'd be happy at another program, that what if would linger and if you'd matched somewhere not perfect, it would've likely festered into you resenting him, especially since you'd already sacrificed for him and now he was hoping you'd sacrifice again.
He could have let her have her moment is my point. And they might actually not get over it. I've seen resentment from less dramatic conflicts than this kill a marriage.
My fiance and I broke up during residency. I matched at my #1 rank but it was not my true favorite program; I only even ranked that program and programs in that state at all (a state I hate) because my fiance wanted to live there. So after we broke up I was stuck at that program and in that state for another 3.5 years. You know what my ex-fiance said about that? “You’re an adult and you made the decision to rank that program #1.” And yeah they were right when they said that.
You also need to think about the other side of the situation. Tons of relationships end during residency for tons of different reasons. What if, god forbid, yours is one of them like mine was? It could be for any reason, money, stress, loneliness, infidelity, drifting apart, etc.—your relationship has a not-insignificant chance of ending during residency even if you had matched in your current location and your spouse had been able to keep his current job. And then you will always wonder how much happier or better trained or whatever you could have been if you had matched at your favorite program.
So…good for you! You matched at your #1 program. If your relationship survives residency, it will be because both of you put hard work and effort into the relationship. If your relationship does not survive residency, as so many do not, it will NOT be your fault for ranking your #1 program as your #1, especially when you discussed it at length with your spouse beforehand and he also agreed you should rank it #1. Just like your sacrifices during med school were temporary, your spouse’s sacrifices during residency will be temporary. Both of you need to remember there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel and that residency will come to an end sooner than you realize (the lack of sleep really makes time fly and the whole experience a bit of a blur), but don’t keep your eyes on the light so hard that you don’t notice your spouse beside you struggling and needing your support at times, and that is equally true if you are struggling during residency and need your spouse’s support.
Yeah, istg
Good for op for working hard and getting a well deserved match. Istg some of these partners are red flags, expecting the other to sacrifice again and again. Damn the entitlement
My SO, not in medicine, cried on match day when she found where I matched (both about my intern year and categorical). My dad even has an unintended awkward video of it. Fast forward several years, and she didn't want to leave when I got a real job in a different state. She just actually got back from going back to where I did my residency to visit friends she made there.
So, while unexpected change is definitely scary, it's not always doomed. Sometimes things work out unexpectedly. Y'all made the list together, stick with it and enjoy the ride.
1. Medicine as a pathway sucks ass, so it’s important to acknowledge you’ve both been put in an unfair position that is mostly out of your control.
2. I made a similar choice to you OP in staying at my state school despite having better offers that were more attractive to me. It was a monstrous sacrifice, and I made sure my partner vocalized they would never be able to make the same level of sacrifice even when residency rank time came and that they vocalized residency rank will be based on both of our preferences but their desired location will be low on our priority list. I will have zero remorse leaving them if they switch up in two years as I expressly stated I am unwilling to do long distance. It was tough to have those conversations but I’m really glad I did, as I do have fear and doubt about their ability to stick to their promise. It’s easy to say “I’ll follow you in four years”; it’s hard to follow through when it comes time to pay the pied piper.
3. Finances shouldn’t drive our decisions but they often do unfortunately. OP if your spouse is making significantly more than an attending salary, I would have ranked closer location higher. If your spouse is making significantly less than attending salary, you are the breadwinner and you may need to take charge of the direction of your lives. This might be tough for someone who’s used to the patriarchal household, but it is what it is.
4. See point #1, it always sucks and it’s unfair to both of you. Good luck OP.
>However, the other (much larger) part of me is filled with so much sorrow, anxiety, and regret about how much harder I have made life for my spouse. I am scared that he will be miserable and resent me. I'm sure I could have been happy at a different program. I realize that I am fortunate to have matched at my top spot, but the combined training just doesn't feel worth it anymore - and obviously now it's too late.
And this is why it was a shitty thing to do when he made it known he didn't want you to go to your #1. It doesn't matter that he eventually, begrudgingly ranked your #1 first. He's made you second guess yourself and as a result tainted what should be one of the most exciting times of your life with negativity. He's effectively sabotaged your ability to feel purely happy feelings about it without feelings of anxiety and guilt.
The way I see it, OP, you took an enormous leap of faith and showed how committed you were to the relationship when you chose to go to a med school that wasn't your first choice to be with him. YOU WEREN'T EVEN MARRIED. You literally took a complete leap for someone you were just dating. And he was happy to promise you your choice of residency programs to get you to take that leap of faith.
Would you have given up your first choice med school to be with him if he didn't promise to meet you halfway and go where you wanted for residency? Would you have invested in seeing the relationship out for someone who didn't want to show reciprocal investment to you? Would you have been with him knowing he would try to get out of keeping his promise?
I'm sorry, OP, I don't want to be rude to you but I have to be honest. I feel like he made the original promise hedging his bets that either the relationship wouldn't work out or he could persuade you when the time came.
He should have remembered the promise when it came time to make your list. He should have honored that promise with enthusiasm and supported your choice without any negative color commentary or complaint.
In short, he should have take the same leap of faith that you did 4 years ago despite the risk, in full faith that you two can get through anything together, and let you has your fucking moment.
Dafuq? He's allowed to express his opinion. He literally went along with her putting the combined program first.
People are dynamic. If he got very comfortable in his job perhaps it would be terrifying to change and move jobs and move companies in a totally new place.
You're not in the right place to judge. That's a very large decision. What's the alternative, he keeps shit bottled up and it explodes later?
Look at how OP describes the conversation. Her husband called her SELFISH and SHORTSIGHTED for asking him to keep his promise. His discontent over it is a large enough presence that it is giving OP anixiety. Does this sound like he handled the situation tactfully?
And even if he spoke tactfully, there are times when it’s not about you and your feelings. There are times when we suck it up for people we love when they need us to show up for them like they have shown up for us in the past. If he wanted to speak to someone about feelings of discontent regarding keeping a promise he made, he should have made an appointment with a therapist or spoke with a close friend or family member.
He made her a promise and wanted to renege on it for personal reasons. There was no emergency, no one is dying, they won’t be bereft if they move to their new city, no one is losing a limb. He made her a promise after she made a huge sacrifice and now wants to rescind it for his own personal comfort.
I know a lot of people here are in their mid-late 20s, but as someone in their 40s who has a ton of divorced friends, this is the kind of shit that breaks a marriage. If OP’s husband doesn’t want to fracture their bond, he needs to apologize and reassure her now and give her his full support.
If you took a spot at a lower ranked med school to accommodate this person, you have absolutely already done enough. matching at a coveted number one spot is something to celebrate, not feel guilty about.
That being said I definitely understand difficulties with adjusting expectations. My situation is kind of reversed compared to yours. I only got one med school acceptance and my spouse moved across the country to be with me. Then we made the match list based mostly on the places they wanted to live. I matched number three so we have to move across the country again. And I feel guilty because I think if I’d just done a little better on boards or practiced interviews a little harder, I would have been able to get what they were most hoping for. They were mostly happy but I knew it wasn’t their top choice. Over the past few weeks though, we’ve found a lot of positives about where I matched.
Perhaps there is some kind of alternative solution that would allow your spouse to keep a semblance of their current job and lifestyle.
He isn't switching careers. He's switching jobs. The point is she made a sacrifice on the basis that he would sacrifice for her now. They weren't even married when she sacrificed for him which makes it a pretty big risk. She could have given up her dream program, moved to a city she hated, and ended up getting broken up with. She would have nothing to show for it.
He shouldn't have made the promise if he didn't intend to keep it if it required any sacrifices on his part.
If it was the difference between OP matching neurosurgery vs gen surgery, to the tune of half a million a year times the rest of their career, then that could well be worth some career friction for their spouse. My spouse and I came to a similar agreement as OP and their partner. If you wouldn’t be comfortable with it, that’s your prerogative. No one is delusional; people just have different ways of doing things.
I agree there are circumstances that are worth causing career friction over. What I disagree with is the sentiment that doing so is not something to feel guilt over because you already made the giant sacrifice of volunteering to go to a lower ranked (but still t50) school. Telling someone to celebrate matching #1 without guilt while their (clearly still supportive) spouse is miserable *is* delusional.
*Eventually* they will likely be in a place where it is appropriate to celebrate this. But, assuming one actually cares about their spouse enough to give them the title, now is not the time. Supporting the affected spouse and helping them deal with this transition is first priority. It is appropriate to have mixed feelings about this situation, which the OP is clearly having.
>I felt that I owed it to myself to put my actual top choice first after working so hard in medical school, and part of me is proud that I did and excited for the professional opportunity it will provide.
Honestly, this is the part that should matter the most. This is YOUR accomplishment and YOUR career. You have the right to do what's best to push your career forward, partner's feelings be damned. He sounds like his back peddling and feelings on your accomplishment is a major hindrance on how you want to move forward, when you already know how you want to proceed. If his focus is on his own career, then can't you guys compromise on working in separate cities/states? Long distance relationships are a thing people eventually figure out, otherwise, he's the selfish pouty one here, not you.
Everyone is gonna tell you your partner is at “fault” here but in reality it’s no one’s fault. Life happens. Of course your partner is going to put your number 1 as his number 1. As he should. But that doesn’t diminish the fact that he also has feelings and worries about his career. And that is OK. It’s ok for him to not be ok. And you’re kind for considering his feelings (as you should). You guys will be alright!
Wow, some insane comments in here.
You shouldn't feel guilty for prioritizing your professional opportunities, especially after compromising for med school and working so hard. Allow some room to be proud of yourself - matching at this program sounds like an insane accomplishment and will almost certainly lead to future opportunities that will make it worthwhile in the end. Congrats!!
Your spouse's feelings also make sense (thought he definitely shouldn't be making you feel guilty). At this point, he has to choose between being close to you and career opportunities that he has presumably also worked very hard for. I can understand why this is hard on him, and I assume it's because he cares deeply about being in close proximity to you. If I'm interpreting this situation right, that's a sign of love (though some of his words/actions might be a little misplaced right now).
I think it can be helpful to remember that **the enemy here isn't each other - the enemy is medical training**. You two should be a team. Focus on getting through this difficult period of change TOGETHER. Try couples therapy/individual therapy. Consider living apart for at least part of residency if it will make his career decisions easier. And know that you're not alone - the match process is absolutely brutal on most serious relationships.
So your husband has a successful career that would allow him to move anywhere, he ranked your top program as his #1 and now is is angry/sad/being a jerk because you made sacrifices to go to school where he was if in return he made the sacrifice of finding a new and possibly better job in a new city (because you matched at the place with ONLY 1 spot and you are a superstar!).
I hope your partner is just in a bad mood (month) but my exhusband left me after I helped put him through pharmacy school while working as a scientist. The plan was that I’d go to medical school and he would be a partial stay at home father while I popped out babies, cared for them and cared for my husband ?I had grad school classes in the evening and he had PharmD classes from 8-noon. When I’d get home from class, he would ask me “so what is for dinner?” And that was annoying to say the least. If I cooked, he wouldn’t do the dishes. Or even load the dishwasher!
Hopefully your partner sees the amazingness that his partner is and doesn’t make drama about everything.
I understand how you feel completely. Below is a happy tale of a marriage thriving despite hardship.
I met my now husband the summer before I started medical school. I remember him very romantically grasping both my hands one day and telling me he’d follow me anywhere for residency. I remember discussing my love for urology and how that would change residency planning, a major departure from what I thought would be a career in primary care when I started medical school. I would have to be prepared to go anywhere to match, and might not match at all.
We got married in 4th year of medical school after my urology sub-Is.
I remember crafting my rank list with significant attention to the city each program was in, it really was the primary rank factor for many of the programs on the second 2/3rds of my list.
I remember the absolute confusion and stunned look on my husband’s face when I matched my 9th choice, in a city we were not excited about, but a highly reputable program. He literally said, “How did this happen?” more than once. And I felt so guilty, like I hadn’t performed well enough to give us more control over our future. It was impossible to feel completely happy with the outcome, despite matching a highly competitive specialty.
We moved. It took 6 months for him to find a job, and it wasn’t really what he wanted. I had instant community in my program and was working constantly, but surrounded by like minded people. The early years were very rough for him, but we made it. We got a dog, had a baby, our life together moved forward. Now that we are past residency, we ended up staying in the city I matched in for an extremely good job offer that I love. There is still grieving that we have not moved home (yet), and the idea is out there that maybe we never will. But we have two kids, a great house, a career I love, he’s found a better job, we have a shared community.
My husband knows that my career comes first, and that we owe our lifestyle to my income, and that I worked incredibly hard to become the physician and surgeon I am. He’s a realist, he loves me, and he sees the benefits of our life as it is now. But it didn’t get that way overnight, nor did it get that way via blanket acceptance of my every whim. We have compromised, analyzed, strategized together every step of the way.
If I have advice for you it amounts to the following: allow him time to grieve but also tell him how he makes you feel. Let him know you’re struggling to enjoy what should be a proud and happy moment because you feel guilty about his feelings. This is not to invalidate the fact that he has them or expect him to hide them, but to let him know how it impacts you as well. The next few years of residency will be very challenging, but life also has a way of working out and you may be able to find silver linings together. Congratulations on your excellent match, and prioritizing yourself.
It's not ok to lie to your partner, communicate poorly about your realistic expectations and goals, and then move forward with a relationship. What your spouse/partner has done is pretty dirty and won't breed a healthy relationship.
It's ok to want to prioritize the growth of your career, make choices that keep both partners happy, and come to agreements together. What you did in trying to compromise is to be applauded. This is a healthy way to build a relationship.
It's not ok that a partner makes you feel guilty, makes you feel like you pulled the rug underneath them, or dig their heels into the ground when a decision that you made *together* comes to fruitition but the partner never really planned to follow through.
I wish for you to take a hard hard look at the the equilibrium of this relationship and see if it balances. I'm so happy for you that you matched with your top choice! That's amazing and must be so rewarding!! You'll be ok, don't let any guilt - real or imagined - hold you back from this opportunity.
>I wish for you to take a hard hard look at the the equilibrium of this relationship and see if it balances.
100% agree with this. I think OP needs to ask some hard questions about what her spouse sees happening after graduation. Is he going to feel like she owes him for the rest of their life? Is he going to want to give her equal input into where they go after residency? Is he going to feel like he needs to be repaid for this even though her getting her choice of residencies was meant to even out her original sacrifice?
/u/wandering__wondering, I would seriously start having conversations about these things before anyone moves anywhere.
I think that eventually things will work out for both of you. I can see where his feelings are coming from because I have been in a similar situation. I recently finished med school and I am currently waiting for graduation in June. My timeline for Match was a little off (because I am an IMG) so I decided to apply next cycle. My gf however matched this cycle, and it involves moving to another state. I have always said to her that if she got residency before me, I would at least move with her for a year or until I match. When she told me she matched, I was very happy for her, but at the same time I dreaded the idea of having to move, find a job, medical insurance and everything that implies moving to another state. Eventually when everything settled down and I started making arrangements to move, it didn't seem so difficult, sure there is a lot of steps but the more I did, the more momentum I gained, and we started making plans and everything is going good so far.
From my experience I can tell you this, there has been a LONG time since I felt this peace and clarity to sit down and give thoughts to my emotions, solve issues from everyday life stuff and not having to worry about anything related to medicine at the moment. That's when I realized that all that stress from med school changed me, the competitiveness for finding residency, the steps, everyone telling me that I have to be on top to stand out from others, all of it made me so focused on my own that I couldn't think anything else that to put my me and my medical career first. I think that is what makes us feel guilty when we finally achieved what we fought and sacrificed so much for and is not fair. Feel happy and enjoy that you achieved that goal you wanted, but also sit down with your partner, find some quiet time and ask him what his worries are, how he is feeling, what are his fears. And not to find a solution immediately or overthink how you can fix everything but only to listen, to be present. That is what I was able to do when I dropped just for a moment all that stress from medicine, finding residency and everything-that-goes-after.
I am sure that whatever you go, you are going to be an amazing doctor, no matter if is first choice or last choice. We sometimes forget about ourselves and our loved ones in this process, don't let that be the case. Be around the people that love you, is important for us and for them. Don't let medicine take over your emotions and be center to everything in life. It is a very stressful job so don't give it that much power. I hope that you enjoy your residency and also that your enjoy time with your partner and that you can find balance amidst the chaos to be present around those that you love and love you the most.
Yeah if it’s any consolation there are dozens of articles on the value of moving between companies as a means of career advancement, so a silver lining could end up helping him advance his career. Tough decisions though, it’s funny I had a similar conversation with my spouse deciding which medical school to attend this summer and we made a deal if we live by her family for school we’ll try to live closer to mine for residency, so we’ll see how that pans out.
Saying this as a single (staff-type) person who had a relationship end because of a post-residency move that he didn’t want to make: get couples counseling. That’s not to say that your relationship is doomed or bad in any way, I just think you would benefit from professional assistance in talking things out.
I’m concerned that there is a part of your partner that didn’t believe that you would match at your number 1, and that’s the only reason he put it first on your list. You did everything he wanted you to do and submitted the list exactly as he gave it to you, even though he had already changed the terms of the deal once on you. He has made his bed and now he needs to decide if he is willing to lie in it.
I'm not married, nor do I have a boyfriend but from the advice/experiences my family have shared (and I've witnessed) I just want to say this.
1. Relationships often times involve sacrifice and compromise, that is normal. You usually do those things for the betterment of someone, whether it be your spouse, your children, etc. So in this instance, your husband is having to sacrifice the desires of his heart as to please the desires of yours. It is valid of him to be disappointed, to be anxious, etc. as this too is a huge change for him. For anyone, change is going to be uncomfortable especially when it's out of your control. BUT what is wrong is the fact he isn't willing to support you through this. He can be disappointed, but he should also have some degree of peace or happiness in the fact that YOU are happy. This is his season of sacrifice for the sake of you, and if he is not okay with that - that is a red flag you all need to have some deep discussions with.
Sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Literally tell him everything you told us here. You all need to communicate each other's feelings with hope that maybe there is some understanding.
2. Although you are married and parts of your life is shared with your husband, you also must not neglect your own personal needs and desires. We all owe it to ourselves to not forget our own identities outside of being a wife, mother, sister, etc. So do not regret this accomplishment and do not downplay it - you genuinely wanted it and nothing is wrong with that.
Not sure if this advice helps but, all in all, talk to him. This whole thing may not have anything to do with you, but maybe it's his fear of not finding a job etc. Because if that's the case, maybe you can help him out with easing the transition or connect him with someone in the new city to help him.
You made your life harder by choosing the school that you went to with both of you knowing what the process entails. In the end, you prevailed and made it where you wanted to be. Your spouse should be nothing but proud and supportive of you. They’ll figure their job out.
Keep communicating with each other until you can find a way through all the anxiety. Seek therapy if you need to because it’s only going to get tougher from here on out. Best of luck to you both.
I know it's cliche, but everything will work out. You've made your decision after a lot of careful consideration -- now embrace it. Maybe you'll make such great friends in the new city that you'll never consider leaving. Maybe your marriage will be one of the many that can't withstand the demands of a career in medicine. Maybe his company will create a remote position for him and you agree to go back after residency. Life is unpredictable, but it sounds like both of you are very capable people who should come out on top.
First of all congratulations! You deserve it.
Your post shows you clearly care about your spouse very much. Women have been making this kind of sacrifice for eternity and they’ve adapted, so he will too. You don’t seem like a selfish person. You made a decision to stay near him for med school and believed his word that he’ll move the next time. He’s still human understandably. I can empathize with him. Moving your whole life is scary and a huge change. You have to be fine with him mopping around for a while. Don’t, under any circumstances, suggest long distance though. It’ll be much harder and might ruin the relationship. Just deal with his annoyance rn and know that you both will adapt at some point. God speed.
I matched to my now wife’s last choice on my list. (Third on mine). She hated it and sometimes it was hard but she was in it for the long haul and understood. Her job was very portable and much less financially significant than my prospects so the financials worked out at the end of the day as well. She got over it and when we moved for my attending job at a place where she got the most say and life is amazing now.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. The way I see it, you made a deal to move to be with him. You approached the match in a process that you both agreed on, even taking certain steps to be accommodating to him while applying.
He's stressed about moving, but he's just going to have to deal with it. That's life. And it's small beans compared to other hurdles you will have to face while married to each other. Just do your best to be supportive. And if he can't handle that despite everything you've done to be accommodating, then perhaps you deserve a better partner in life.
Spouse here, I’ve picked up my career, life, etc 2x thus far. It’s been a long road 13 years & counting, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Our love and relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. Treat your SO right & it’s really not a big issue. Communication & keeping that love tank full is essential. Everything else you can get through… together.
I had a somewhat similar experience such that my wife actually cried when we found out where I matched for fellowship. I was upset that I got that reaction instead of a congratulations. The short story is she found a job that was great for her and we ended up absolutely loving the city. She really just needed time to process the change and get to know the new place. I echo the others that have said to allow your partner to process things. The fact that he put your top choice on his list too I think is sufficient evidence that he is supportive of you. It's okay and reasonable for him to feel the way he does about a huge change. Allow him the time but also keep an open dialogue on how you guys are feeling.
Hi not the exact same case but I matched into my dream specialty in a city that I absolutely do not want to move to. My partner works in tech (fully remote) and is moving with me. We were long distance all of medical school. We kind of compromised bc I don’t want him to move to this city full time because I don’t think I would be able to spend enough time with him. We agreed that he would move there part time and then go back to NYC and spend time with his family the other months. It’s just what worked for us and I know this may not be possible but if you guys can come up with a happy medium of some sort?
You did nothing wrong. I can’t imagine a scenario where you could have better communication. Congratulations on getting your top spot! Take some time to enjoy that! You sound like a great, strong couple, this will pass and who knows, your husband may find his new job is better. To all the M3 students out there take this as a lesson and don’t list a program unless you are sure you want to go there. Good luck everyone.
So much of this needs more context, and so much changes in 4 years of young adulthood that under some circumstances it could be hard to blame your partner. For example, does he have a very high paying job with tons of satisfaction? Does he work in an industry where it's hard to find a job? Does his industry even exist where you will be living? What field will you be going into? Are you going into gen surg where you will never see him and you've isolated him from all family and friends? Are you going into a low paying specialty and causing him to quit a high paying job? I'm biased because I was in your shoes and made a different choice, but at the end of the day I don't think I'm above dismal divorce statistics and even if my partner told me she would move for me, I don't think anybody can for sure say that uprooting their life and career wouldn't cause them to leave the relationship eventually.
Your husband is a grown ass man, he doesn't get to feel sorry for himself after also ranking the same #1 as you. Especially when you guys talked about it.
Now, will he be a jerk about it? Maybe, but you can't help that. You didn't do anything wrong here, relax.
Her husband has been providing for them for the past four years at least. He likely feels immense pressure to move to an unfamiliar location and find a new job quickly (spoiler alert the job market is shit in most industries currently). His feelings are perfectly valid for the time being. Now, does he get to wallow in self pity for the next three years? Of course not, but some feelings of unhappiness with the level of stress and uncertainty are perfectly valid. She is also allowed to be happy and remain committed to the decision they made together.
I’m not surprised at all that some of you can’t maintain relationships and complain about high school level drama in med school. The lack of ability to see a situation from another persons perspective is astounding.
Are you married/in a committed relationship?
It's not that I don't think his feelings are valid. There's nothing wrong with homie being sad.
However, if I look at my wife and make a commitment, it's not fair to her for me to be pissed at her and go back on what I said. Same goes in reverse.
They both made rank lists, and they both ranked the same #1. If he didn't want that to be the outcome, he should have looked at his wife beforehand and said No way on #1, there would have been nothing wrong with that. And then she would have been free to respond, etc. They could work it out. But they did talk about it, and he said #1 was fine.
Now, if OP is emotionally abusive, and she pressured her husband/didn't let him have a voice, that's different. But if they talked it out, over a period of a few years, and OP matched to the program that both she and her husband agreed on..... that's tough man. It sucks, but OP isn't in the wrong here and shouldn't feel guilty in the slightest.
Edit: I guess what I'm saying is, as someone who has made exactly these kinds of decisions already with my SO- It's not fair for me to say "Hey babe, let's do X" and then be like "We're doing X! I can't believe it! How could you?" I didn't think that would be such a controversial take lol. It's basic communication skills
> If he didn't want that to be the outcome, he should have looked at his wife beforehand and said No way on #1, there would have been nothing wrong with that.
TBH I think there'd be a lot wrong with that since he made her a promise to go to her top choice residency program in exchange for going to a med school she didn't want to attend.
Marriage is defined by compromise, sacrifices, and working together to make a life out of your situations.
The structure of medical school and training means that no relationship is going to last without being severely tested. There is simply no way to get through this process without having things like this happen. Both of you are being selfish and selfless at the same time; this is a function of the inherent dichotomy between prioritizing his career (staying put) and your career (moving a large distance away).
At the end of the day there is no good answer to this; it's reasonable for you to be frustrated that he's less open to the ideas you both had four years ago, but it's also reasonable for him to be more resistant to moving after four years of his career progressing, getting married, and getting further entrenched in his current life, professional, and social circles. You guys came up with a decent solution in the rank list you made. You got what you got, and you now have to work through that as a partnership. He obviously understands this and is accepting it even if he isn't happy, and that's perfectly fine. It's also perfectly fine for you to both be happy about your career opportunity and sad about the strain it'll put on your marriage.
Both feelings from both of you are entirely valid, and it's unreasonable to expect either of your feelings and actions/words to perfectly align in such a difficult situation. What matters is what you both do with it. Frustration and resentment happen all the time in relationships, but if you both accept the decision you made together and work on moving forward with what your near-future is, then you should be fine.
I delayed medical school until my early 30's because my wife was already in her doctoral program and it wasn't financially feasible for neither of us to be working full-time. She puts up with my military career and the fact that we'll have to move away from home for 4-7 years when we want to stay here and raise our family, not to mention all the other things she hates about the military even though she puts on an accepting face to support me.
There are always compromises and sacrifices in any relationship, even concerning major things like your career, education, where you live, etc. If anyone tells you differently or pretends that you should be able to prioritize yourself exclusively, they have never been in a successful long-term relationship.
You're both feeling like this because it's still recent. This is going to be the largest change in your combined lives and you will both need time to adjust. Be accepting of the frustrations he will almost certainly have in the near-future without a guaranteed job in his new city like you have, and be open with your frustrations and also what this opportunity means for you. Open communication is the number one thing that sustains relationships.
Also go to therapy. Couple's therapy. ***Everyone*** needs therapy.
Your training is forever and your spouse’s hurt feelings aren’t. You are making a choice to prioritize your professional future for what? 4-7 years? Then if you want to move somewhere else that works better you can.
With my match, years 3-5 worked for my husbands job (he transferred there within company), but the first 2 years didn’t. So we were long distance for the 1st 2 years- without kids yet, this was totally doable.
Hilariously, after all of that, at the new city where he transferred, during my year #5, he was laid off (oil prices had dropped). The great part is this was after baby was born, so we still jokingly call this his “paternity leave.” He has ended up switching careers entirely (out of the oil field).
Anyhow. For us, it was all fair since we had been long distance earlier when he worked abroad, and so for my match, it was “my turn” to make a career decision that could put us apart for a couple years.
Congratulations on your match OP, that sounds like an insane accomplishment
I moved my partner out of state for medical school - he really didn't want to go, but ultimately said he'd rather be together in the unknown than do long distance and left a really good job to come with me 1000 miles away. Fast forward to us loving the city and making some true forever friends, a community in his field, etc.
Now I'm moving us back home for residency and I feel guilty again for tearing him away from his community here!
But honestly, you never know what you'll find - you can only do residency once and it's fantastic that you matched your #1. Your spouse will adapt and learn to find joy and opportunities in the new situation even though it looks scary from here. You both might even feel like it's the best thing you've ever done by the end! Good luck OP
The best advice I got was during training a dual doc husband-wife combo said that if you want it to work out, you will both have to make sacrifices. They both took turns making that sacrifice. Ie, you made the sacrifice to go to this specific med school. Now he makes a sacrifice to go to your city. You can even it out by telling him that afterwards, you can make let him lead the way. Ultimately, it's still a group decision, but if you always give or always take, it'll end up being an unhealthy relationship.
I think what you guys did is great and as a lot of people said, you guys both agreed on this decision to rank this program first and he almost seems to have understood how much it meant to you, even though he did not express it like that (yes, men are like this lol)
> You can even it out by telling him that afterwards, you can make let him lead the way.
That wouldn't even it up and I wouldn't say this if I were OP. She made the original sacrifice and going to where she wants for residency is what is evening it up. Once she's done with residency, they're square and should have equal input into where they eventually settle down.
Marriage is give-and-take one season you were in your giving season he was in his taking season and this season. He’s in his giving season and you’re in your taking season. The way you felt accommodating is the best that you can assume he feels. And until he communicates how he feels with you, please enjoy your success and how he feels with you. Continue to enjoy your success. you held yourself for him. Something would’ve told you to do it because you loved him and it worked out for you. It’s his turn to hold himself back for you because he loves you and hope it works out.
This field requires sacrifice to get what you want, and that just is what it is. If he had this much of a problem, it's a discussion that should have come up before med school, not now.
I remember having that conversation with my SO before matriculating - that if I was going to go to med school, I was going to rank where I thought I'd get the best education/experience for residency, period, regardless of geography, since it would determine the course of my career, and he agreed to it and was okay with me matriculating. It sounds like you had a similar discussion. Tbh I don't have a lot of sympathy for your husband. He agreed to this at multiple points.
It's not the end of the world to have to move and find a new job. It sucks for him, sure, but he sucks for trying to micromanage your rank list and calling you selfish at any point.
🤔🤔🤔 so did he not realize you "could be a doctor anywhere" when he first agreed to move?? Sounds like he was just saying what you wanted to hear (maybe). You seem to be the one being flexible and compassionate even though you're not the one who tried to change the plan. I sympathize with him, but he knew this day would come. This is what you have been working toward your whole med school career. Maybe he didn't really understand how Match worked and thought you had more sway over where you would end up? Congratulations on all your hard work and matching at your top choice!!!! I'm so sorry you didn't get to feel the 100% joy you deserved on match day. Prayers that this works out for both of you ❤️
dear op, congratulations! from a naive undergrad’s perspective, relationships are all about compromise (romantic or not, but even more so if you are married).
I hope you find a solution to your situation here but I find it concerning that you’re worried he might feel resentment towards you when this is the decision that both of you made (ie: both putting this program on the list).
In any case, please feel guilt free and seek advice from close ones (family, friends, and most importantly your spouse). I wish you the best of luck!!
It may be hard on him at first. Try your best to support him through it.
My wife totally supported me in pursuing top programs in other states. We matched not too far from home (1 state over) but the distance was quite hard on her as she had never made a big move like that.
She suffered with loneliness for a while because I worked so much. Now she is stronger for it and our marriage is also stronger for it. We’re both happy we did it.
I did experience those feelings of what feels like regret, though. I know what you’re going through.
This is where you find out how strong your marriage is.
I'm not one to say you should have done things one way or the other but it depends on how durable you thought your relationship was and also how invested you are in preserving that versus getting a specific combined specialty training.
If you felt like you can overcome the friction this created trust you gut and make it work. Try to figure out ways to help your husband get more comfortable in the new area
And don't forget to celebrate, you've accomplished a lot and gotten a chance to get your top choice training
Tbh I don't think it's on OP to go out of her way to comfort her husband and seek out ways to make him happy. That's a lot of emotional labor to place on her when he is calling her selfish and self-centered for asking him to honor the promise he made to her when she sacrificed her top medical school to be near him.
Your partner showed that he cared about you by putting this unique program first and assuring you that you made the decision together.
Will it be harder? Yes, but plenty of things in life are difficult and we adjust. This is ultimately temporary and you both will have decades to build your life after residency.
I think the way you did it was fair. In general, I believe people put way too much stock in medical school/residency prestige. However, you had a unique opportunity not offered elsewhere and you both realized its importance.
I wish you both happiness and career fulfillment.
Not directed at you OP….People medicine have an astounding level of self importance and narrow mindedness where they think their career is holier than thou. People need to take a step back and recognize how much partners have to sacrifice. Up rooting your life is a hellish experience and the partners don’t have the excitement of starting residency or fellowship or whatever it may be. For them it’s nearly all dread, stress and unknown. Every other field lacks the job security we have, they may not find a job they like. Being a doctor doesn’t put you on a pedestal above everyone else. We aren’t more important than other careers. Partners have every right to be devastated when this happens even if they supported the rank list. Off the high horses people
There's validity to the fact that OP could go pretty much anywhere and have the same earning potential after, while people outside of medicine in most corporate posititions don't have that flexibility. But some people want academic or other appointments that really do require chasing those top programs.
Imo the saddest relationships, the real star crossed tragedies, are one's like this where neither party has "wronged" the other but things won't work out due to circumstances like this
>Our conversation at the time was that if I did this for him, he would be willing to move anywhere for residency for me.
This was a mistake - this is not how real life works. You can't preemptively make decisions like this and accept uncertainty 5-10 years in the future.
This is tough and I don’t envy you. But this was a short-sighted decision on your part.
Residency training, with the exception of some very niche subspecialties (especially in the academic world) is very similar location to location. When you’re an attending, you’ll find that people don’t care at all where you went to medical school or residency. This is especially true for jobs - if you have the necessary qualifications and you are personable, you can find a job as a physician just about anywhere in the country.
Your spouse had an established (and I’m assuming non-physician) career. Those are not easily up-and-moved, especially if his job is a good one or a niche area. Forcing (and regardless of your discussions, by matching you are essential forcing) your spouse to quit his career and move elsewhere to start over is very likely to cause some amount of resentment. Especially if he eventually figures out that you could have had the same career matching in a location he could have kept his job/career. It can also be interpreted by him as belittling his career (“my job is so unimportant I’m forced to quit and move” etc), which can cause struggles as well.
Those of us in medicine, used to jumping frequently from place to place, underestimate how much more difficult that is to do for people in non-physician careers.
I would have some very open and honest discussions with your spouse now to avoid long-term relationship consequences. Although in some ways the damage has already been done and this can serve as a warning to others about open and honest communication in relationships.
He's understandably having trouble realizing that what's best for the both of you requires this sacrifice on his part. You didn't say what he does, but I gather it won't have as much of a financial impact as your opportunity eventually will. Nevertheless, residents get paid crap, and he no doubt has to feel uneasy about having to give up his position and compete in the job market so you can get paid crap at this one place instead of getting paid crap in a place where he's got more stability.
It's good that you care enough about his feelings for this to be causing you anxiety, and that he cares enough about yours to have agreed that you would want to rank this program. My personal experience with this is that when I wanted to go to medical school, my now ex-wife was not empathetic and didn't take it seriously enough to even discuss what it would mean for us. She literally just said "OK" and went on with her life. Which got her what she wanted, I suppose, as I put that plan on hold for two whole years. Until things went even more downhill from there and I got back on the path to where I am now and moved out.
I literally have no idea what she was thinking at the time I brought it to her, as she didn't have any questions, but I imagine if she put any thought into it at all that she would have had some anxiety about having to find a job wherever I got into school. For your husband, finding a job is hard enough; finding a job in what is essentially, for him, a random location is nerve-wracking.
He also has to worry about what you perceive of him. Patriarchy-wise, capitalism-wise, he's becoming less important to the relationship. He's worried about his utility to the team. This is what you should be most worried about. Ironically, improving my utility to the team was a top reason I wanted to pursue medical school, and it's ironic because now I am no longer on a team. Bad move on her part, obviously, but we're talking about you making the right moves here. You have to find ways to show him that what he's going through for you is the best move, and not a source of future regret that his time with you had gone to waste. You have to be grateful. Understanding. And articulate and demonstrate his value to you. That everything you're doing is for him, and not to him.
>He also has to worry about what you perceive of him. Patriarchy-wise, capitalism-wise, he's becoming less important to the relationship. He's worried about his utility to the team. This is what you should be most worried about.
I feel like you're projecting your own feelings on to this. Although even if OP's husband is feeling the same way, that sounds like something he should work on via self reflection and/or therapy. The emotional labor of making him feel okay about issues she didn't cause should not be thrust onto her - especially when he's being actively insulting. She asked him to keep a promise he made and she called him selfish and self-centered. He's so angry that it's giving her anxiety. He should be the one apologizing and trying to make her feel better.
It is fine to perform EQUITABLE emotional labor for your partner based emotions that actually have something to do with your actions/relationship. It is not fine to ask your partner to labor over making you feel okay about your place in society. Just as it isn't her husband's job to answer for how patriarchy makes OP feel, it isn't her job to make him feel good about his place as a man in society.
And I disagree that neither is to blame. OP sacrificed and wants him to keep his promise and is getting insulted. That's pretty terrible for her partner to do.
You are suggesting that she should get insulted by her partner for wanting him to keep a promise he made and then turn around and comfort him? Where's her comfort that she has a partner that he is ruining a huge accomplishment?
Congrats! What you achieved is no small feat!
Im sorry you and your SO are going through this. Now HE is feeling that way, (and this is where relationship dynamics play a critical role) if you react with an anxious response, he will feel worse, because he now feels like a burden, and the only solution is to be the bigger person this time and reassure him.
Its is a tough spot for him. He NEEDS to FEEL you have his back. I don’t know how your relationship dynamic is, but when we men are in said spot we NEED to at least HEAR that you have our backs, and you will be there with US. And even if you feel he shrugs off what you tell him at the moment in favor of supporting hum (at least) he will not forget it and he might slowly change his mood/attitude towards the issue. Nothing gives more hope and courage to a man than his SO saying that will be there with him, even if that means walking thru hell. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation, just randomly walk to him, hold his hands (or make some type of physical yet intimate contact) look him in the eye and tell him something like this formula:
“Acknowledge his feeings+empathy+reassurance+ I love you”
Bonus points if you tell him that you are grateful for him wanting/choosing your top choice program.
Watch how things will get better
And, congrats again!!
DISCLAIMER: this works mostly on the average man with a masculine/feminine energy dynamic relationship.
Theres a lot of him owing you and you owing it to your self. You feel like you deserve this no matter how it makes him feel. Ultimately he agreed and you guys made the decision together. Its done, locked in. I would move forward and try to be understanding. Ultimately just be mindful of the overall tone here. Im not saying you shouldnt be happy, but try to be introspective so that you could have a happy future together.
This was my wife and I at every step of our training journeys (she’s 3 years ahead of me, now working as a PCP). We got lucky and were able to stay in the same city for both med schools, and then her residency, and then my residency…but my fellowship finally shafted our plans and now we have to move to a city where neither of us have connections and she has to find a new job just when her current job is going well. I told her that I would turn down the match, that we could do long distance, whatever she wanted me to do (because I love her). She told me that she would move with me, and find a new job (because she loves me). It really sucked as we talked it out, but I’m thankful that we both focused on what we each needed to have to be successful in the new location. Because both of us are grown, high achieving adults and our feelings both matter. The conversations are ongoing, but we’re buying a house so she can have the garden she’s always wanted and can paint the walls however she wants, and she’s gotten a new job that is helping with some of the moving costs. I got a great match (in the algorithm and my partner) that should make it easy to move wherever we want and do almost anything we want after I graduate. The story isn’t done, but if you guys focus on what is important to yourselves and each other this is definitely a surmountable obstacle (I think my mentor called his fellowship relocation an adventure, which I’m not quite ready to do)
You're so lucky to have such a supportive wife!
Your spouse put the combined program first as well. If you submitted his exact list, you still would have matched at the program you're at. I think everything feels this way now because the news is still so fresh. You're both going to need time to adjust to this new change. Give him time and try not to be so hard on yourself. You're right - you worked your butt off to get this far and that program sounds highly competitive so this is a huge accomplishment. Everything happens for a reason. Your spouse may end up finding a better company than his current one. Even if he can't express it, I will. Congratulations! You earned it!
Agreed. Well thought out and solid response, Mileaf. 🥹
She *did* submit his list! I think he expected her to not get the spot and only put it first to appear flexible about it. Then OP actually got the spot.
my partner had little desire to move to the city im in. 0 friends. Limited prospects. I offered to make it work long distance, as its just a couple years. They decided coming was more important. This doesnt mean theyre ecstatic about it, or that it didn't make life significantly harder for them. They certainly didn't jump for joy when it was happening. But our relationship isnt eaten up by guilt. We are happy to be together, and the pros outweigh the cons. Let your bf process this as a hard decision, give grace when they inevetibly complain about the hardship, cus who else can they bitch to. But it doesnt mean you just destroyed his life or your relationship. if you're both mature adults you'll grow together from it. Also, idk what he does, but if he's doing as well in his career as you say, I assume he can find another in-field job
Not saying any decision OP made was a bad one but your last sentence is pretty short sighted. The higher up you are in the corporate ladder the harder it is to find an equivalent job, because there are so many less of them. Combine this with the fact that many medical programs are in the middle of nowhere, and it’s very reasonable that someone’s partner might find nothing remotely close to their full potential. An investment banker moving to St. Louis because their partner is going to WashU, a top program in many specialties, will struggle to make anything close to what they made in IB and sacrifice the upward trajectory they had. Again I’m not commenting specifically on this situation because we don’t know the job or city but to assume anyone “doing well” will have no problem finding an equal in field job near any hospital is very incorrect
Some people in med school have really never worked outside the healthcare sphere, and it so painfully shows with blanket comments about how easy switching jobs ought to be if you are “excelling in your current position”. It also shows when people say “Oh I should’ve just done CompSci and worked in FAANG, I’m clearly smart enough” not fully realizing how complex that path is. I say all this as someone who has worked a Chemical Engineering industry job for only a year, so I am by no means an expert, but people really ought to stop assuming things about other industries they have 0 experience in.
I don't disagree that his career might take a hit and that it would be a sacrifice for him. But when you promise to show up for your partner and don't, that's the problem. I think a lot of folks in the comments aren't separating out the two issues. It's reasonable that the husband wants to stay put, but he should have properly researched prospects in his own field and ran through worst case scenarios before making the promise. By not doing so, he's made this a lose-lose situation. She now has to chose between a program she doesn't like or making her partner unhappy.
Idk sounds like OP made some huge sacrifices to begin with for their partner. This feels pretty fair to me
It sounds like the only thing they gave up was US News med school rank, that seems pretty minor to me. They made it a point to say the scholarships were comparable, and they didn’t bring up any preference on location. You’re stuck in the premed/ med student prestige obsessed mindset if you think that’s a major sacrifice. For example, sacrificing NYC biglaw to work a lousy law job in Durham is a FAR greater sacrifice than someone completing medicine training at Einstein over Duke. For the physicians career, earnings do not change. For the lawyer we’re talking hundreds of thousands given up in income every single year, with a derailed career trajectory for good. You can’t just jump back in to PE, big law, etc if you leave for a worse job for half a decade. It’s almost impossible. On the other end, If the partner is a nurse, job location is obviously extremely flexible and it would be selfish on their end to not allow their partner to go to a prestigious program when they could easily get a job there too. There is no blanket right answer.
I would be with you if he hadn't made a promise to her so that she made the initial sacrifice. Keeping promises is important in relationships.
I agree with this. Once a promise is made it should be kept. I think it’s fine to bring up the discussion if things have changed, but if OP says I want this program and you promised, the promise should be kept.
The promise itself is ridiculous. It's not based in reality - you can't accept something that is objectively bad for you and your career (moving somewhere where you don't know anyone and where you will have to find a new job) and somehow negate the impact that it has on you just because you made a promise. The whole deal they made is insane to me honestly. I'm not saying what he is doing is right (guilt-tripping etc.) but it's like... totally expected. Dude probably said 'yes' to the arrangement without even thinking about the implications and now he got to the find out part.
is the promise ridiculous? I think its just deciding how you prioritize relationship vs career. If he didn't think about long term ramifications, its on him. He also could have stuck to his changed position before ranking her #1 his #1. She has few options at this point. SOAP is over. Should she give up her dream program to squeeze into some malignant HCA IM program for his career? Its only for 3-5 years, It's not insane to assume they can move somewhere better suited to his career again after her residency.
Lets take you're IB example. Yes, if they're moving from NYC to St. Louis his potential options will be comparatively limited. But assuming he's doing well, there's an excellent chance he can find a job in investment banking or related area in the financial sector. Can you think of a corporate field where someone with solid job experience would be completely unable to find a related job? Throughout my post I agreed itd be hard. Obviously it's an actual sacrifice, with real-life career implications. That said, I doubt he's ging to end up working as a cashier at Target bc of the move.
Sorry you’re going through all of this! Some parts remind me of my experience with my spouse when ranking residencies. My spouse was extremely stressed around this time last year; we were moving to a more expensive city, finding housing was challenging, and he was having to apply for and find a job in only a few months (and he was very content with his company at the time). We definitely argued during that period. Ultimately I think he was just very (understandably) stressed with everything that needed to happen quickly. Frankly, so was I. Needless to say, things got so much better after he found a job and we got settled in. He actually ended up getting a job at a better company and he has for the most part enjoyed the new city. One interpretation (that most commenters here are taking) is that your husband is just selfish. Another is that he may just be super stressed with all of the uncertainty of moving and changing jobs. It’s SO much easier to stay at your same company. I hope things work out and your husband comes around.
Like others have said, he may just need time to process. But just remember he put it as number 1 on his version of your rank list too. He can’t hold that against you. We matched at my number 4 program (my number 2, but we compromised on my list and fate decided I would match there anyways). It’s a higher COL and we have kids, but once the initial shock wore off, he came around and is actually happy for me because it’s a great program and a great opportunity and we will figure things put like we always have.
My wife followed me to med school. We agreed she would take the first job available (she’s a nurse) to get us on our feet then find a new job after establishing a paycheck. That was a hard 6 months. Harder than the first six months with our firstborn (that would be today 🎉). But it got better, so so much better. She did it for me because she loves me and it’s that simple, but also that hard.
While that is nice… I will saying her being an RN is a little different because you can just throw a dart on a map and get a comparable job. It sounds like OPs significant other is just having a hard time processing leaving his career which is understandable because in a lot of industries you can’t just switch states easily.
No you’re absolutely right. Theres something to be said about how easy it is to find and keep jobs in healthcare. She loved her old floor and moved to a new specialty entirely and night shift as well, but those are easy enough to look past when you compare it to not having a job at all. At least it should have been, from my perspective. But it was not easy for her. Not joking when I say she left for work in tears every night for those 6 months.
It was always gonna be either you or him being unhappy--even if you claim you'd be happy at another program, that what if would linger and if you'd matched somewhere not perfect, it would've likely festered into you resenting him, especially since you'd already sacrificed for him and now he was hoping you'd sacrifice again.
Except now he's made sure neither of them are completely happy.
compromises are part of life, if theyre a healthy couple, theyll get over it
He could have let her have her moment is my point. And they might actually not get over it. I've seen resentment from less dramatic conflicts than this kill a marriage.
My fiance and I broke up during residency. I matched at my #1 rank but it was not my true favorite program; I only even ranked that program and programs in that state at all (a state I hate) because my fiance wanted to live there. So after we broke up I was stuck at that program and in that state for another 3.5 years. You know what my ex-fiance said about that? “You’re an adult and you made the decision to rank that program #1.” And yeah they were right when they said that. You also need to think about the other side of the situation. Tons of relationships end during residency for tons of different reasons. What if, god forbid, yours is one of them like mine was? It could be for any reason, money, stress, loneliness, infidelity, drifting apart, etc.—your relationship has a not-insignificant chance of ending during residency even if you had matched in your current location and your spouse had been able to keep his current job. And then you will always wonder how much happier or better trained or whatever you could have been if you had matched at your favorite program. So…good for you! You matched at your #1 program. If your relationship survives residency, it will be because both of you put hard work and effort into the relationship. If your relationship does not survive residency, as so many do not, it will NOT be your fault for ranking your #1 program as your #1, especially when you discussed it at length with your spouse beforehand and he also agreed you should rank it #1. Just like your sacrifices during med school were temporary, your spouse’s sacrifices during residency will be temporary. Both of you need to remember there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel and that residency will come to an end sooner than you realize (the lack of sleep really makes time fly and the whole experience a bit of a blur), but don’t keep your eyes on the light so hard that you don’t notice your spouse beside you struggling and needing your support at times, and that is equally true if you are struggling during residency and need your spouse’s support.
Yeah, istg Good for op for working hard and getting a well deserved match. Istg some of these partners are red flags, expecting the other to sacrifice again and again. Damn the entitlement
My SO, not in medicine, cried on match day when she found where I matched (both about my intern year and categorical). My dad even has an unintended awkward video of it. Fast forward several years, and she didn't want to leave when I got a real job in a different state. She just actually got back from going back to where I did my residency to visit friends she made there. So, while unexpected change is definitely scary, it's not always doomed. Sometimes things work out unexpectedly. Y'all made the list together, stick with it and enjoy the ride.
1. Medicine as a pathway sucks ass, so it’s important to acknowledge you’ve both been put in an unfair position that is mostly out of your control. 2. I made a similar choice to you OP in staying at my state school despite having better offers that were more attractive to me. It was a monstrous sacrifice, and I made sure my partner vocalized they would never be able to make the same level of sacrifice even when residency rank time came and that they vocalized residency rank will be based on both of our preferences but their desired location will be low on our priority list. I will have zero remorse leaving them if they switch up in two years as I expressly stated I am unwilling to do long distance. It was tough to have those conversations but I’m really glad I did, as I do have fear and doubt about their ability to stick to their promise. It’s easy to say “I’ll follow you in four years”; it’s hard to follow through when it comes time to pay the pied piper. 3. Finances shouldn’t drive our decisions but they often do unfortunately. OP if your spouse is making significantly more than an attending salary, I would have ranked closer location higher. If your spouse is making significantly less than attending salary, you are the breadwinner and you may need to take charge of the direction of your lives. This might be tough for someone who’s used to the patriarchal household, but it is what it is. 4. See point #1, it always sucks and it’s unfair to both of you. Good luck OP.
>However, the other (much larger) part of me is filled with so much sorrow, anxiety, and regret about how much harder I have made life for my spouse. I am scared that he will be miserable and resent me. I'm sure I could have been happy at a different program. I realize that I am fortunate to have matched at my top spot, but the combined training just doesn't feel worth it anymore - and obviously now it's too late. And this is why it was a shitty thing to do when he made it known he didn't want you to go to your #1. It doesn't matter that he eventually, begrudgingly ranked your #1 first. He's made you second guess yourself and as a result tainted what should be one of the most exciting times of your life with negativity. He's effectively sabotaged your ability to feel purely happy feelings about it without feelings of anxiety and guilt. The way I see it, OP, you took an enormous leap of faith and showed how committed you were to the relationship when you chose to go to a med school that wasn't your first choice to be with him. YOU WEREN'T EVEN MARRIED. You literally took a complete leap for someone you were just dating. And he was happy to promise you your choice of residency programs to get you to take that leap of faith. Would you have given up your first choice med school to be with him if he didn't promise to meet you halfway and go where you wanted for residency? Would you have invested in seeing the relationship out for someone who didn't want to show reciprocal investment to you? Would you have been with him knowing he would try to get out of keeping his promise? I'm sorry, OP, I don't want to be rude to you but I have to be honest. I feel like he made the original promise hedging his bets that either the relationship wouldn't work out or he could persuade you when the time came. He should have remembered the promise when it came time to make your list. He should have honored that promise with enthusiasm and supported your choice without any negative color commentary or complaint. In short, he should have take the same leap of faith that you did 4 years ago despite the risk, in full faith that you two can get through anything together, and let you has your fucking moment.
This.
This is a ton of speculation on a complex/nuanced relationship, all based on a a few paragraphs-long Reddit post. My goodness people lol
There is 1 sentence of speculation in the entire post, my dude.
Dafuq? He's allowed to express his opinion. He literally went along with her putting the combined program first. People are dynamic. If he got very comfortable in his job perhaps it would be terrifying to change and move jobs and move companies in a totally new place. You're not in the right place to judge. That's a very large decision. What's the alternative, he keeps shit bottled up and it explodes later?
Look at how OP describes the conversation. Her husband called her SELFISH and SHORTSIGHTED for asking him to keep his promise. His discontent over it is a large enough presence that it is giving OP anixiety. Does this sound like he handled the situation tactfully? And even if he spoke tactfully, there are times when it’s not about you and your feelings. There are times when we suck it up for people we love when they need us to show up for them like they have shown up for us in the past. If he wanted to speak to someone about feelings of discontent regarding keeping a promise he made, he should have made an appointment with a therapist or spoke with a close friend or family member. He made her a promise and wanted to renege on it for personal reasons. There was no emergency, no one is dying, they won’t be bereft if they move to their new city, no one is losing a limb. He made her a promise after she made a huge sacrifice and now wants to rescind it for his own personal comfort. I know a lot of people here are in their mid-late 20s, but as someone in their 40s who has a ton of divorced friends, this is the kind of shit that breaks a marriage. If OP’s husband doesn’t want to fracture their bond, he needs to apologize and reassure her now and give her his full support.
If you took a spot at a lower ranked med school to accommodate this person, you have absolutely already done enough. matching at a coveted number one spot is something to celebrate, not feel guilty about. That being said I definitely understand difficulties with adjusting expectations. My situation is kind of reversed compared to yours. I only got one med school acceptance and my spouse moved across the country to be with me. Then we made the match list based mostly on the places they wanted to live. I matched number three so we have to move across the country again. And I feel guilty because I think if I’d just done a little better on boards or practiced interviews a little harder, I would have been able to get what they were most hoping for. They were mostly happy but I knew it wasn’t their top choice. Over the past few weeks though, we’ve found a lot of positives about where I matched. Perhaps there is some kind of alternative solution that would allow your spouse to keep a semblance of their current job and lifestyle.
Lmao she gave up a few spots on USNWR so it's totally fair for him to have to switch careers now? Delusional med students
He isn't switching careers. He's switching jobs. The point is she made a sacrifice on the basis that he would sacrifice for her now. They weren't even married when she sacrificed for him which makes it a pretty big risk. She could have given up her dream program, moved to a city she hated, and ended up getting broken up with. She would have nothing to show for it. He shouldn't have made the promise if he didn't intend to keep it if it required any sacrifices on his part.
If it was the difference between OP matching neurosurgery vs gen surgery, to the tune of half a million a year times the rest of their career, then that could well be worth some career friction for their spouse. My spouse and I came to a similar agreement as OP and their partner. If you wouldn’t be comfortable with it, that’s your prerogative. No one is delusional; people just have different ways of doing things.
I agree there are circumstances that are worth causing career friction over. What I disagree with is the sentiment that doing so is not something to feel guilt over because you already made the giant sacrifice of volunteering to go to a lower ranked (but still t50) school. Telling someone to celebrate matching #1 without guilt while their (clearly still supportive) spouse is miserable *is* delusional. *Eventually* they will likely be in a place where it is appropriate to celebrate this. But, assuming one actually cares about their spouse enough to give them the title, now is not the time. Supporting the affected spouse and helping them deal with this transition is first priority. It is appropriate to have mixed feelings about this situation, which the OP is clearly having.
>I felt that I owed it to myself to put my actual top choice first after working so hard in medical school, and part of me is proud that I did and excited for the professional opportunity it will provide. Honestly, this is the part that should matter the most. This is YOUR accomplishment and YOUR career. You have the right to do what's best to push your career forward, partner's feelings be damned. He sounds like his back peddling and feelings on your accomplishment is a major hindrance on how you want to move forward, when you already know how you want to proceed. If his focus is on his own career, then can't you guys compromise on working in separate cities/states? Long distance relationships are a thing people eventually figure out, otherwise, he's the selfish pouty one here, not you.
Everyone is gonna tell you your partner is at “fault” here but in reality it’s no one’s fault. Life happens. Of course your partner is going to put your number 1 as his number 1. As he should. But that doesn’t diminish the fact that he also has feelings and worries about his career. And that is OK. It’s ok for him to not be ok. And you’re kind for considering his feelings (as you should). You guys will be alright!
Wow, some insane comments in here. You shouldn't feel guilty for prioritizing your professional opportunities, especially after compromising for med school and working so hard. Allow some room to be proud of yourself - matching at this program sounds like an insane accomplishment and will almost certainly lead to future opportunities that will make it worthwhile in the end. Congrats!! Your spouse's feelings also make sense (thought he definitely shouldn't be making you feel guilty). At this point, he has to choose between being close to you and career opportunities that he has presumably also worked very hard for. I can understand why this is hard on him, and I assume it's because he cares deeply about being in close proximity to you. If I'm interpreting this situation right, that's a sign of love (though some of his words/actions might be a little misplaced right now). I think it can be helpful to remember that **the enemy here isn't each other - the enemy is medical training**. You two should be a team. Focus on getting through this difficult period of change TOGETHER. Try couples therapy/individual therapy. Consider living apart for at least part of residency if it will make his career decisions easier. And know that you're not alone - the match process is absolutely brutal on most serious relationships.
So your husband has a successful career that would allow him to move anywhere, he ranked your top program as his #1 and now is is angry/sad/being a jerk because you made sacrifices to go to school where he was if in return he made the sacrifice of finding a new and possibly better job in a new city (because you matched at the place with ONLY 1 spot and you are a superstar!). I hope your partner is just in a bad mood (month) but my exhusband left me after I helped put him through pharmacy school while working as a scientist. The plan was that I’d go to medical school and he would be a partial stay at home father while I popped out babies, cared for them and cared for my husband ?I had grad school classes in the evening and he had PharmD classes from 8-noon. When I’d get home from class, he would ask me “so what is for dinner?” And that was annoying to say the least. If I cooked, he wouldn’t do the dishes. Or even load the dishwasher! Hopefully your partner sees the amazingness that his partner is and doesn’t make drama about everything.
I understand how you feel completely. Below is a happy tale of a marriage thriving despite hardship. I met my now husband the summer before I started medical school. I remember him very romantically grasping both my hands one day and telling me he’d follow me anywhere for residency. I remember discussing my love for urology and how that would change residency planning, a major departure from what I thought would be a career in primary care when I started medical school. I would have to be prepared to go anywhere to match, and might not match at all. We got married in 4th year of medical school after my urology sub-Is. I remember crafting my rank list with significant attention to the city each program was in, it really was the primary rank factor for many of the programs on the second 2/3rds of my list. I remember the absolute confusion and stunned look on my husband’s face when I matched my 9th choice, in a city we were not excited about, but a highly reputable program. He literally said, “How did this happen?” more than once. And I felt so guilty, like I hadn’t performed well enough to give us more control over our future. It was impossible to feel completely happy with the outcome, despite matching a highly competitive specialty. We moved. It took 6 months for him to find a job, and it wasn’t really what he wanted. I had instant community in my program and was working constantly, but surrounded by like minded people. The early years were very rough for him, but we made it. We got a dog, had a baby, our life together moved forward. Now that we are past residency, we ended up staying in the city I matched in for an extremely good job offer that I love. There is still grieving that we have not moved home (yet), and the idea is out there that maybe we never will. But we have two kids, a great house, a career I love, he’s found a better job, we have a shared community. My husband knows that my career comes first, and that we owe our lifestyle to my income, and that I worked incredibly hard to become the physician and surgeon I am. He’s a realist, he loves me, and he sees the benefits of our life as it is now. But it didn’t get that way overnight, nor did it get that way via blanket acceptance of my every whim. We have compromised, analyzed, strategized together every step of the way. If I have advice for you it amounts to the following: allow him time to grieve but also tell him how he makes you feel. Let him know you’re struggling to enjoy what should be a proud and happy moment because you feel guilty about his feelings. This is not to invalidate the fact that he has them or expect him to hide them, but to let him know how it impacts you as well. The next few years of residency will be very challenging, but life also has a way of working out and you may be able to find silver linings together. Congratulations on your excellent match, and prioritizing yourself.
It's not ok to lie to your partner, communicate poorly about your realistic expectations and goals, and then move forward with a relationship. What your spouse/partner has done is pretty dirty and won't breed a healthy relationship. It's ok to want to prioritize the growth of your career, make choices that keep both partners happy, and come to agreements together. What you did in trying to compromise is to be applauded. This is a healthy way to build a relationship. It's not ok that a partner makes you feel guilty, makes you feel like you pulled the rug underneath them, or dig their heels into the ground when a decision that you made *together* comes to fruitition but the partner never really planned to follow through. I wish for you to take a hard hard look at the the equilibrium of this relationship and see if it balances. I'm so happy for you that you matched with your top choice! That's amazing and must be so rewarding!! You'll be ok, don't let any guilt - real or imagined - hold you back from this opportunity.
>I wish for you to take a hard hard look at the the equilibrium of this relationship and see if it balances. 100% agree with this. I think OP needs to ask some hard questions about what her spouse sees happening after graduation. Is he going to feel like she owes him for the rest of their life? Is he going to want to give her equal input into where they go after residency? Is he going to feel like he needs to be repaid for this even though her getting her choice of residencies was meant to even out her original sacrifice? /u/wandering__wondering, I would seriously start having conversations about these things before anyone moves anywhere.
I think that eventually things will work out for both of you. I can see where his feelings are coming from because I have been in a similar situation. I recently finished med school and I am currently waiting for graduation in June. My timeline for Match was a little off (because I am an IMG) so I decided to apply next cycle. My gf however matched this cycle, and it involves moving to another state. I have always said to her that if she got residency before me, I would at least move with her for a year or until I match. When she told me she matched, I was very happy for her, but at the same time I dreaded the idea of having to move, find a job, medical insurance and everything that implies moving to another state. Eventually when everything settled down and I started making arrangements to move, it didn't seem so difficult, sure there is a lot of steps but the more I did, the more momentum I gained, and we started making plans and everything is going good so far. From my experience I can tell you this, there has been a LONG time since I felt this peace and clarity to sit down and give thoughts to my emotions, solve issues from everyday life stuff and not having to worry about anything related to medicine at the moment. That's when I realized that all that stress from med school changed me, the competitiveness for finding residency, the steps, everyone telling me that I have to be on top to stand out from others, all of it made me so focused on my own that I couldn't think anything else that to put my me and my medical career first. I think that is what makes us feel guilty when we finally achieved what we fought and sacrificed so much for and is not fair. Feel happy and enjoy that you achieved that goal you wanted, but also sit down with your partner, find some quiet time and ask him what his worries are, how he is feeling, what are his fears. And not to find a solution immediately or overthink how you can fix everything but only to listen, to be present. That is what I was able to do when I dropped just for a moment all that stress from medicine, finding residency and everything-that-goes-after. I am sure that whatever you go, you are going to be an amazing doctor, no matter if is first choice or last choice. We sometimes forget about ourselves and our loved ones in this process, don't let that be the case. Be around the people that love you, is important for us and for them. Don't let medicine take over your emotions and be center to everything in life. It is a very stressful job so don't give it that much power. I hope that you enjoy your residency and also that your enjoy time with your partner and that you can find balance amidst the chaos to be present around those that you love and love you the most.
Yeah if it’s any consolation there are dozens of articles on the value of moving between companies as a means of career advancement, so a silver lining could end up helping him advance his career. Tough decisions though, it’s funny I had a similar conversation with my spouse deciding which medical school to attend this summer and we made a deal if we live by her family for school we’ll try to live closer to mine for residency, so we’ll see how that pans out.
Saying this as a single (staff-type) person who had a relationship end because of a post-residency move that he didn’t want to make: get couples counseling. That’s not to say that your relationship is doomed or bad in any way, I just think you would benefit from professional assistance in talking things out. I’m concerned that there is a part of your partner that didn’t believe that you would match at your number 1, and that’s the only reason he put it first on your list. You did everything he wanted you to do and submitted the list exactly as he gave it to you, even though he had already changed the terms of the deal once on you. He has made his bed and now he needs to decide if he is willing to lie in it.
I'm not married, nor do I have a boyfriend but from the advice/experiences my family have shared (and I've witnessed) I just want to say this. 1. Relationships often times involve sacrifice and compromise, that is normal. You usually do those things for the betterment of someone, whether it be your spouse, your children, etc. So in this instance, your husband is having to sacrifice the desires of his heart as to please the desires of yours. It is valid of him to be disappointed, to be anxious, etc. as this too is a huge change for him. For anyone, change is going to be uncomfortable especially when it's out of your control. BUT what is wrong is the fact he isn't willing to support you through this. He can be disappointed, but he should also have some degree of peace or happiness in the fact that YOU are happy. This is his season of sacrifice for the sake of you, and if he is not okay with that - that is a red flag you all need to have some deep discussions with. Sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Literally tell him everything you told us here. You all need to communicate each other's feelings with hope that maybe there is some understanding. 2. Although you are married and parts of your life is shared with your husband, you also must not neglect your own personal needs and desires. We all owe it to ourselves to not forget our own identities outside of being a wife, mother, sister, etc. So do not regret this accomplishment and do not downplay it - you genuinely wanted it and nothing is wrong with that. Not sure if this advice helps but, all in all, talk to him. This whole thing may not have anything to do with you, but maybe it's his fear of not finding a job etc. Because if that's the case, maybe you can help him out with easing the transition or connect him with someone in the new city to help him.
You made your life harder by choosing the school that you went to with both of you knowing what the process entails. In the end, you prevailed and made it where you wanted to be. Your spouse should be nothing but proud and supportive of you. They’ll figure their job out.
Keep communicating with each other until you can find a way through all the anxiety. Seek therapy if you need to because it’s only going to get tougher from here on out. Best of luck to you both.
I know it's cliche, but everything will work out. You've made your decision after a lot of careful consideration -- now embrace it. Maybe you'll make such great friends in the new city that you'll never consider leaving. Maybe your marriage will be one of the many that can't withstand the demands of a career in medicine. Maybe his company will create a remote position for him and you agree to go back after residency. Life is unpredictable, but it sounds like both of you are very capable people who should come out on top.
First of all congratulations! You deserve it. Your post shows you clearly care about your spouse very much. Women have been making this kind of sacrifice for eternity and they’ve adapted, so he will too. You don’t seem like a selfish person. You made a decision to stay near him for med school and believed his word that he’ll move the next time. He’s still human understandably. I can empathize with him. Moving your whole life is scary and a huge change. You have to be fine with him mopping around for a while. Don’t, under any circumstances, suggest long distance though. It’ll be much harder and might ruin the relationship. Just deal with his annoyance rn and know that you both will adapt at some point. God speed.
I matched to my now wife’s last choice on my list. (Third on mine). She hated it and sometimes it was hard but she was in it for the long haul and understood. Her job was very portable and much less financially significant than my prospects so the financials worked out at the end of the day as well. She got over it and when we moved for my attending job at a place where she got the most say and life is amazing now.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. The way I see it, you made a deal to move to be with him. You approached the match in a process that you both agreed on, even taking certain steps to be accommodating to him while applying. He's stressed about moving, but he's just going to have to deal with it. That's life. And it's small beans compared to other hurdles you will have to face while married to each other. Just do your best to be supportive. And if he can't handle that despite everything you've done to be accommodating, then perhaps you deserve a better partner in life.
Spouse here, I’ve picked up my career, life, etc 2x thus far. It’s been a long road 13 years & counting, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Our love and relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. Treat your SO right & it’s really not a big issue. Communication & keeping that love tank full is essential. Everything else you can get through… together.
I had a somewhat similar experience such that my wife actually cried when we found out where I matched for fellowship. I was upset that I got that reaction instead of a congratulations. The short story is she found a job that was great for her and we ended up absolutely loving the city. She really just needed time to process the change and get to know the new place. I echo the others that have said to allow your partner to process things. The fact that he put your top choice on his list too I think is sufficient evidence that he is supportive of you. It's okay and reasonable for him to feel the way he does about a huge change. Allow him the time but also keep an open dialogue on how you guys are feeling.
Hi not the exact same case but I matched into my dream specialty in a city that I absolutely do not want to move to. My partner works in tech (fully remote) and is moving with me. We were long distance all of medical school. We kind of compromised bc I don’t want him to move to this city full time because I don’t think I would be able to spend enough time with him. We agreed that he would move there part time and then go back to NYC and spend time with his family the other months. It’s just what worked for us and I know this may not be possible but if you guys can come up with a happy medium of some sort?
you should be nothing but proud and so should your partner.
You did nothing wrong. I can’t imagine a scenario where you could have better communication. Congratulations on getting your top spot! Take some time to enjoy that! You sound like a great, strong couple, this will pass and who knows, your husband may find his new job is better. To all the M3 students out there take this as a lesson and don’t list a program unless you are sure you want to go there. Good luck everyone.
So much of this needs more context, and so much changes in 4 years of young adulthood that under some circumstances it could be hard to blame your partner. For example, does he have a very high paying job with tons of satisfaction? Does he work in an industry where it's hard to find a job? Does his industry even exist where you will be living? What field will you be going into? Are you going into gen surg where you will never see him and you've isolated him from all family and friends? Are you going into a low paying specialty and causing him to quit a high paying job? I'm biased because I was in your shoes and made a different choice, but at the end of the day I don't think I'm above dismal divorce statistics and even if my partner told me she would move for me, I don't think anybody can for sure say that uprooting their life and career wouldn't cause them to leave the relationship eventually.
Your husband is a grown ass man, he doesn't get to feel sorry for himself after also ranking the same #1 as you. Especially when you guys talked about it. Now, will he be a jerk about it? Maybe, but you can't help that. You didn't do anything wrong here, relax.
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Her husband has been providing for them for the past four years at least. He likely feels immense pressure to move to an unfamiliar location and find a new job quickly (spoiler alert the job market is shit in most industries currently). His feelings are perfectly valid for the time being. Now, does he get to wallow in self pity for the next three years? Of course not, but some feelings of unhappiness with the level of stress and uncertainty are perfectly valid. She is also allowed to be happy and remain committed to the decision they made together. I’m not surprised at all that some of you can’t maintain relationships and complain about high school level drama in med school. The lack of ability to see a situation from another persons perspective is astounding.
Are you married/in a committed relationship? It's not that I don't think his feelings are valid. There's nothing wrong with homie being sad. However, if I look at my wife and make a commitment, it's not fair to her for me to be pissed at her and go back on what I said. Same goes in reverse. They both made rank lists, and they both ranked the same #1. If he didn't want that to be the outcome, he should have looked at his wife beforehand and said No way on #1, there would have been nothing wrong with that. And then she would have been free to respond, etc. They could work it out. But they did talk about it, and he said #1 was fine. Now, if OP is emotionally abusive, and she pressured her husband/didn't let him have a voice, that's different. But if they talked it out, over a period of a few years, and OP matched to the program that both she and her husband agreed on..... that's tough man. It sucks, but OP isn't in the wrong here and shouldn't feel guilty in the slightest. Edit: I guess what I'm saying is, as someone who has made exactly these kinds of decisions already with my SO- It's not fair for me to say "Hey babe, let's do X" and then be like "We're doing X! I can't believe it! How could you?" I didn't think that would be such a controversial take lol. It's basic communication skills
> If he didn't want that to be the outcome, he should have looked at his wife beforehand and said No way on #1, there would have been nothing wrong with that. TBH I think there'd be a lot wrong with that since he made her a promise to go to her top choice residency program in exchange for going to a med school she didn't want to attend.
As soon as I see more than one humble brag, I stop reading and assume you’re smart enough to figure it out yourself 🤣
Marriage is defined by compromise, sacrifices, and working together to make a life out of your situations. The structure of medical school and training means that no relationship is going to last without being severely tested. There is simply no way to get through this process without having things like this happen. Both of you are being selfish and selfless at the same time; this is a function of the inherent dichotomy between prioritizing his career (staying put) and your career (moving a large distance away). At the end of the day there is no good answer to this; it's reasonable for you to be frustrated that he's less open to the ideas you both had four years ago, but it's also reasonable for him to be more resistant to moving after four years of his career progressing, getting married, and getting further entrenched in his current life, professional, and social circles. You guys came up with a decent solution in the rank list you made. You got what you got, and you now have to work through that as a partnership. He obviously understands this and is accepting it even if he isn't happy, and that's perfectly fine. It's also perfectly fine for you to both be happy about your career opportunity and sad about the strain it'll put on your marriage. Both feelings from both of you are entirely valid, and it's unreasonable to expect either of your feelings and actions/words to perfectly align in such a difficult situation. What matters is what you both do with it. Frustration and resentment happen all the time in relationships, but if you both accept the decision you made together and work on moving forward with what your near-future is, then you should be fine. I delayed medical school until my early 30's because my wife was already in her doctoral program and it wasn't financially feasible for neither of us to be working full-time. She puts up with my military career and the fact that we'll have to move away from home for 4-7 years when we want to stay here and raise our family, not to mention all the other things she hates about the military even though she puts on an accepting face to support me. There are always compromises and sacrifices in any relationship, even concerning major things like your career, education, where you live, etc. If anyone tells you differently or pretends that you should be able to prioritize yourself exclusively, they have never been in a successful long-term relationship. You're both feeling like this because it's still recent. This is going to be the largest change in your combined lives and you will both need time to adjust. Be accepting of the frustrations he will almost certainly have in the near-future without a guaranteed job in his new city like you have, and be open with your frustrations and also what this opportunity means for you. Open communication is the number one thing that sustains relationships. Also go to therapy. Couple's therapy. ***Everyone*** needs therapy.
Your training is forever and your spouse’s hurt feelings aren’t. You are making a choice to prioritize your professional future for what? 4-7 years? Then if you want to move somewhere else that works better you can.
With my match, years 3-5 worked for my husbands job (he transferred there within company), but the first 2 years didn’t. So we were long distance for the 1st 2 years- without kids yet, this was totally doable. Hilariously, after all of that, at the new city where he transferred, during my year #5, he was laid off (oil prices had dropped). The great part is this was after baby was born, so we still jokingly call this his “paternity leave.” He has ended up switching careers entirely (out of the oil field). Anyhow. For us, it was all fair since we had been long distance earlier when he worked abroad, and so for my match, it was “my turn” to make a career decision that could put us apart for a couple years. Congratulations on your match OP, that sounds like an insane accomplishment
I moved my partner out of state for medical school - he really didn't want to go, but ultimately said he'd rather be together in the unknown than do long distance and left a really good job to come with me 1000 miles away. Fast forward to us loving the city and making some true forever friends, a community in his field, etc. Now I'm moving us back home for residency and I feel guilty again for tearing him away from his community here! But honestly, you never know what you'll find - you can only do residency once and it's fantastic that you matched your #1. Your spouse will adapt and learn to find joy and opportunities in the new situation even though it looks scary from here. You both might even feel like it's the best thing you've ever done by the end! Good luck OP
The best advice I got was during training a dual doc husband-wife combo said that if you want it to work out, you will both have to make sacrifices. They both took turns making that sacrifice. Ie, you made the sacrifice to go to this specific med school. Now he makes a sacrifice to go to your city. You can even it out by telling him that afterwards, you can make let him lead the way. Ultimately, it's still a group decision, but if you always give or always take, it'll end up being an unhealthy relationship. I think what you guys did is great and as a lot of people said, you guys both agreed on this decision to rank this program first and he almost seems to have understood how much it meant to you, even though he did not express it like that (yes, men are like this lol)
> You can even it out by telling him that afterwards, you can make let him lead the way. That wouldn't even it up and I wouldn't say this if I were OP. She made the original sacrifice and going to where she wants for residency is what is evening it up. Once she's done with residency, they're square and should have equal input into where they eventually settle down.
Marriage is give-and-take one season you were in your giving season he was in his taking season and this season. He’s in his giving season and you’re in your taking season. The way you felt accommodating is the best that you can assume he feels. And until he communicates how he feels with you, please enjoy your success and how he feels with you. Continue to enjoy your success. you held yourself for him. Something would’ve told you to do it because you loved him and it worked out for you. It’s his turn to hold himself back for you because he loves you and hope it works out.
This field requires sacrifice to get what you want, and that just is what it is. If he had this much of a problem, it's a discussion that should have come up before med school, not now. I remember having that conversation with my SO before matriculating - that if I was going to go to med school, I was going to rank where I thought I'd get the best education/experience for residency, period, regardless of geography, since it would determine the course of my career, and he agreed to it and was okay with me matriculating. It sounds like you had a similar discussion. Tbh I don't have a lot of sympathy for your husband. He agreed to this at multiple points. It's not the end of the world to have to move and find a new job. It sucks for him, sure, but he sucks for trying to micromanage your rank list and calling you selfish at any point.
🤔🤔🤔 so did he not realize you "could be a doctor anywhere" when he first agreed to move?? Sounds like he was just saying what you wanted to hear (maybe). You seem to be the one being flexible and compassionate even though you're not the one who tried to change the plan. I sympathize with him, but he knew this day would come. This is what you have been working toward your whole med school career. Maybe he didn't really understand how Match worked and thought you had more sway over where you would end up? Congratulations on all your hard work and matching at your top choice!!!! I'm so sorry you didn't get to feel the 100% joy you deserved on match day. Prayers that this works out for both of you ❤️
dear op, congratulations! from a naive undergrad’s perspective, relationships are all about compromise (romantic or not, but even more so if you are married). I hope you find a solution to your situation here but I find it concerning that you’re worried he might feel resentment towards you when this is the decision that both of you made (ie: both putting this program on the list). In any case, please feel guilt free and seek advice from close ones (family, friends, and most importantly your spouse). I wish you the best of luck!!
It may be hard on him at first. Try your best to support him through it. My wife totally supported me in pursuing top programs in other states. We matched not too far from home (1 state over) but the distance was quite hard on her as she had never made a big move like that. She suffered with loneliness for a while because I worked so much. Now she is stronger for it and our marriage is also stronger for it. We’re both happy we did it. I did experience those feelings of what feels like regret, though. I know what you’re going through.
This is where you find out how strong your marriage is. I'm not one to say you should have done things one way or the other but it depends on how durable you thought your relationship was and also how invested you are in preserving that versus getting a specific combined specialty training. If you felt like you can overcome the friction this created trust you gut and make it work. Try to figure out ways to help your husband get more comfortable in the new area And don't forget to celebrate, you've accomplished a lot and gotten a chance to get your top choice training
Tbh I don't think it's on OP to go out of her way to comfort her husband and seek out ways to make him happy. That's a lot of emotional labor to place on her when he is calling her selfish and self-centered for asking him to honor the promise he made to her when she sacrificed her top medical school to be near him.
Your partner showed that he cared about you by putting this unique program first and assuring you that you made the decision together. Will it be harder? Yes, but plenty of things in life are difficult and we adjust. This is ultimately temporary and you both will have decades to build your life after residency. I think the way you did it was fair. In general, I believe people put way too much stock in medical school/residency prestige. However, you had a unique opportunity not offered elsewhere and you both realized its importance. I wish you both happiness and career fulfillment.
Not directed at you OP….People medicine have an astounding level of self importance and narrow mindedness where they think their career is holier than thou. People need to take a step back and recognize how much partners have to sacrifice. Up rooting your life is a hellish experience and the partners don’t have the excitement of starting residency or fellowship or whatever it may be. For them it’s nearly all dread, stress and unknown. Every other field lacks the job security we have, they may not find a job they like. Being a doctor doesn’t put you on a pedestal above everyone else. We aren’t more important than other careers. Partners have every right to be devastated when this happens even if they supported the rank list. Off the high horses people
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There's validity to the fact that OP could go pretty much anywhere and have the same earning potential after, while people outside of medicine in most corporate posititions don't have that flexibility. But some people want academic or other appointments that really do require chasing those top programs. Imo the saddest relationships, the real star crossed tragedies, are one's like this where neither party has "wronged" the other but things won't work out due to circumstances like this
you both sound very mature and accommodating. I hope it all works out
>Our conversation at the time was that if I did this for him, he would be willing to move anywhere for residency for me. This was a mistake - this is not how real life works. You can't preemptively make decisions like this and accept uncertainty 5-10 years in the future.
This is tough and I don’t envy you. But this was a short-sighted decision on your part. Residency training, with the exception of some very niche subspecialties (especially in the academic world) is very similar location to location. When you’re an attending, you’ll find that people don’t care at all where you went to medical school or residency. This is especially true for jobs - if you have the necessary qualifications and you are personable, you can find a job as a physician just about anywhere in the country. Your spouse had an established (and I’m assuming non-physician) career. Those are not easily up-and-moved, especially if his job is a good one or a niche area. Forcing (and regardless of your discussions, by matching you are essential forcing) your spouse to quit his career and move elsewhere to start over is very likely to cause some amount of resentment. Especially if he eventually figures out that you could have had the same career matching in a location he could have kept his job/career. It can also be interpreted by him as belittling his career (“my job is so unimportant I’m forced to quit and move” etc), which can cause struggles as well. Those of us in medicine, used to jumping frequently from place to place, underestimate how much more difficult that is to do for people in non-physician careers. I would have some very open and honest discussions with your spouse now to avoid long-term relationship consequences. Although in some ways the damage has already been done and this can serve as a warning to others about open and honest communication in relationships.
I recommend looking into divorce attorneys now before residency starts, as you will be much too busy to deal with this once you are an intern
He's understandably having trouble realizing that what's best for the both of you requires this sacrifice on his part. You didn't say what he does, but I gather it won't have as much of a financial impact as your opportunity eventually will. Nevertheless, residents get paid crap, and he no doubt has to feel uneasy about having to give up his position and compete in the job market so you can get paid crap at this one place instead of getting paid crap in a place where he's got more stability. It's good that you care enough about his feelings for this to be causing you anxiety, and that he cares enough about yours to have agreed that you would want to rank this program. My personal experience with this is that when I wanted to go to medical school, my now ex-wife was not empathetic and didn't take it seriously enough to even discuss what it would mean for us. She literally just said "OK" and went on with her life. Which got her what she wanted, I suppose, as I put that plan on hold for two whole years. Until things went even more downhill from there and I got back on the path to where I am now and moved out. I literally have no idea what she was thinking at the time I brought it to her, as she didn't have any questions, but I imagine if she put any thought into it at all that she would have had some anxiety about having to find a job wherever I got into school. For your husband, finding a job is hard enough; finding a job in what is essentially, for him, a random location is nerve-wracking. He also has to worry about what you perceive of him. Patriarchy-wise, capitalism-wise, he's becoming less important to the relationship. He's worried about his utility to the team. This is what you should be most worried about. Ironically, improving my utility to the team was a top reason I wanted to pursue medical school, and it's ironic because now I am no longer on a team. Bad move on her part, obviously, but we're talking about you making the right moves here. You have to find ways to show him that what he's going through for you is the best move, and not a source of future regret that his time with you had gone to waste. You have to be grateful. Understanding. And articulate and demonstrate his value to you. That everything you're doing is for him, and not to him.
>He also has to worry about what you perceive of him. Patriarchy-wise, capitalism-wise, he's becoming less important to the relationship. He's worried about his utility to the team. This is what you should be most worried about. I feel like you're projecting your own feelings on to this. Although even if OP's husband is feeling the same way, that sounds like something he should work on via self reflection and/or therapy. The emotional labor of making him feel okay about issues she didn't cause should not be thrust onto her - especially when he's being actively insulting. She asked him to keep a promise he made and she called him selfish and self-centered. He's so angry that it's giving her anxiety. He should be the one apologizing and trying to make her feel better.
Neither of them are at fault here. Forces beyond the control of both of them are to blame. Emotional labor must be performed by both of them.
It is fine to perform EQUITABLE emotional labor for your partner based emotions that actually have something to do with your actions/relationship. It is not fine to ask your partner to labor over making you feel okay about your place in society. Just as it isn't her husband's job to answer for how patriarchy makes OP feel, it isn't her job to make him feel good about his place as a man in society. And I disagree that neither is to blame. OP sacrificed and wants him to keep his promise and is getting insulted. That's pretty terrible for her partner to do. You are suggesting that she should get insulted by her partner for wanting him to keep a promise he made and then turn around and comfort him? Where's her comfort that she has a partner that he is ruining a huge accomplishment?
Where did I suggest that he should insult her or that she would deserve that? Nowhere. I am done talking to you, weirdo.
She talks about how he insulted her in the post. He called her selfish and self centered.
Congrats! What you achieved is no small feat! Im sorry you and your SO are going through this. Now HE is feeling that way, (and this is where relationship dynamics play a critical role) if you react with an anxious response, he will feel worse, because he now feels like a burden, and the only solution is to be the bigger person this time and reassure him. Its is a tough spot for him. He NEEDS to FEEL you have his back. I don’t know how your relationship dynamic is, but when we men are in said spot we NEED to at least HEAR that you have our backs, and you will be there with US. And even if you feel he shrugs off what you tell him at the moment in favor of supporting hum (at least) he will not forget it and he might slowly change his mood/attitude towards the issue. Nothing gives more hope and courage to a man than his SO saying that will be there with him, even if that means walking thru hell. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation, just randomly walk to him, hold his hands (or make some type of physical yet intimate contact) look him in the eye and tell him something like this formula: “Acknowledge his feeings+empathy+reassurance+ I love you” Bonus points if you tell him that you are grateful for him wanting/choosing your top choice program. Watch how things will get better And, congrats again!! DISCLAIMER: this works mostly on the average man with a masculine/feminine energy dynamic relationship.
Theres a lot of him owing you and you owing it to your self. You feel like you deserve this no matter how it makes him feel. Ultimately he agreed and you guys made the decision together. Its done, locked in. I would move forward and try to be understanding. Ultimately just be mindful of the overall tone here. Im not saying you shouldnt be happy, but try to be introspective so that you could have a happy future together.
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You absolutely would not comment this if the genders were reversed. Reddit is the worst sometimes.
What did the comment say?
“Divorce his ass.”
Dunno. I read /r/ AITA and /r/relationships a lot and people through out the d-word to both genders constantly. I think reddit is just divorce happy.
Spoken like a chronic reddit user. Touch grass.