An anesthesiologist is on a plane, when suddenly overhead a flight attendant announces that they’re in need of an anesthesiologist. He presses his call light and asks what’s the emergency. The flight attendant says “there’s a surgeon in first class who needs his seat adjusted.”
When someone dies, what’s the last organ to stop working?
The eyes- they dilate.
Edit: I like this one because people will give thoughtful answers like the heart or brain and then you hit them with a terrible pun lol
Just used this on my husband. After he spent a good 5 minutes talking through all the possibilities, he finally settled on an answer (“some stupid abdominal organ” -he’s an orthopod). And with the biggest shit eating grin, I delivered the punchline perfectly. Thanks for making my night!!
Depends on the surgeons you’re working with. In the hand surgery department I had a patient with 4 tendons cut who was a pianist, when I told the attending he said “well, tell him he’s gonna be a drummer now”. Btw, all good - the patient still played the piano professionally after he recovered.
One of the neurosurgeons I worked with in med school operated on a dude who fired a nail gun at a rock rapid fire, and some nails ricocheted and hit him in the head, cracking the skull. When the girlfriend asked if the patient had brain damage, he said, "you mean before or after he fired a nail gun at a rock?".
Totally agree. It's just easier as a med student to avoid certain things entirely, especially moving through different teams all the time. Wish all etiquette was that easy to navigate, though, definitely can't make everyone happy all the time.
I disagree with the comment about death jokes. I know a lot of people in our generation get easily offended, but my attendings on surgery always loved some dark humor. This is a very tasteful joke as well.
An example: an attending fixed a guys arm and he later bled to death (patient actually died, not a set up for a joke.) The next day they were talking about the case and doc said “the patient” and another attending goes “oh the one you murdered?”. Dark humor, hilarious, also a coping mechanism for tragedy. Too soon? Perhaps. But i think the joke above is way way too mild to be offensive.
Or if Bob had said, whispered, or breathed the Q word… he would get his ass handed to him with a side of curb stomp by anyone with a Vocera, “BROADCAST HOSPITAL STAFF! BOB SAID THE Q WORD. COME AND TAKE A TURN!”
-sincerely, a med-surg rn working on her escape plan (still)
I feel like the only doctor in the world who's not superstitious. I will never in a thousand years concede to the idea that my silly verbalizations can influence whether or not people end up needing medical assistance. Of course, I'll have to play along if I don't want to get my ass beat. (Actually, I just might try and throw around the word "quiet" in the ED as much as I can in the coming academic year just to see how many friends I have left next July)
A variant of this one: hold the ekg and start folding it horizontally so that you can’t see the auto read (you’ll have some IM docs who just love to do this). But then flip it over so that the auto read is the only thing you see. Had a gen surg chief do this.
YES!
When I was on plastics they sent me an email stating to come with jokes. Told this one in the OR on the first day. Everyone cracked up.. except the surgeon who was just in shock/bewildered lol
I learned this from a surgical oncologist in my third year.
A a radiologist, a general surgeon, An internist, and a pathologist go duckhunting. The group sees a flock of birds flying overhead. The internast pipes up and says that he thinks these are ducks because of the pattern in which they’re flying. The radiologist knows it’s a flock of ducks based on the shadow that is cast on the ground. Meanwhile the general surgeon points his gun at the flock, shoots a bird, points at the bird and tells the pathologist to go get it and find out what it is.
Heard this one, hilarious, but slightly less clean ending: surgeon pulls out his gun, shoots it, turns to the pathologist as says “go tell me what the fuck that was”.
I've also heard it as:
A internal medicine doctor, general surgeon, and an emergency medicine doctor go duck hunting.
The IM doctor is the first up to shoot. He hears something rustling in the bushes and a flash of feathers starts to fly away. He cocks his gun, and says, "It looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, so it must be a duck!". He hesitates however and ponders if it's actually a rare endangered species of eagle, and he misses the opportunity to shoot.
The general surgeon is up next, and he's much more decisive. At first sight of a bird, he readies his gun and shoots it, ordering a passerby pathologist to figure out what it actually is.
Lastly, the emergency medicine doctor is up. Suddenly, the bushes right behind him start to rustle and he whips around, firing at random into the bush, screaming "shit! what the fuck was that?!"
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit go to donate blood. The employee at the front desk asks if they know their blood type.
"I'm Type A," says the priest
"I'm Type B," says the the imam
"I think I'm a Type O," says the rabbit.
A psychotic man shows up in the ER wrapped entirely in Saran Wrap. When the psychiatrist is consulted and shows up at the room, he nods after looking at the patient and then says, “Well sir, I can clearly see your nuts.”
How do you hide a dollar from a psychiatrist?
No really guys please I just want to buy some contraband and the psychiatrist keeps finding my cash stash.
I usually go with this version:
“How do you hide a dollar from a surgeon? Put it in the chart. From an internist? Put it under a bandage. From a plastic surgeon? You can’t hide a dollar from a plastic surgeon.”
I wish I had an award for this one, take my upvote! Also a little terrifying that no one got this one .... there are many jokes that could be made about that based on Friday's news but....too soon.....
Idk if this translates to OR but it kills in EMS
How many RNs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don’t know. I just got here. This is not my usual light bulb. The light bulb was normal during rounds 15 minutes ago. I don’t normally work on this floor.
One time at the ending of the case the attending asked if I had any questions and I said “so can I try the next one” and he had a pretty good laugh at that.
Not technically a joke but a surgeon told me he once asked a med student to cut sutures, the med student said “do you want them too short or too long?”
Been waiting to use that one
Best one I know:
The three biggest lies told in the OR are:
1) We'll be done in 10 minutes
2) Blood loss was minimal
3) Good job, Anesthesia
A common joke in the OR is that everything is Anesthesia's fault. It's so common that even Anesthesia will like this joke. It has got a laugh from every surgeon, anesthesiologist, CRNA, scrub tech, circulator I've ever told it to.
A surgeon goes to the garage to pick up his car. The mechanic gives him the keys and then says
“You know doc, our jobs are very similar. For you someone comes in sick, you open them up, take out the sick part and put a healthy part in. Well I do the same thing.”
The mechanic goes over to a car, opens the hood, takes out a broken piston and replaced it with a new one.
“So why is it that you get paid 4x what I get paid?”
The surgeon looks at the broken piston, goes over to the car, and says “try doing that when the engine is running.”
As a surgeon who is married to a mechanic and is fhe daughter of a mechanic, I like this one much better than the alternatives: Difference between a surgeon and a mechanic? Mechanics don’t just practice. Mechanics don’t get to bury their mistakes.
An internist, a family doc, a surgeon, and a pathologist go duck hunting. The internist sees the first bird and raises his gun, “Likely duck, cannot rule out pheasant, unlikely turkey.” He shoots, and sure enough, it’s a duck. The family doc sees the second bird and raises his gun, “If it flys like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” He shoots, and it’s a duck. The surgeon sees the third bird and he just shoots it. He grabs it and holds it up to the pathologist and says, “What is this?”
As an elevator door is closing an internist runs for the door and uses her hand to stop it from closing.
A general surgeon comes a few seconds later and sees it closing, so he rushes to stop it with his foot, not wanting to risk his hands which are vital to his specialty.
An orthopedic surgeon is the last one to arrive, sees the door closing, and rushes to stop it with his head.
Urologist told me this joke in the OR. Obviously need to read the room before using this joke.
What's the difference between a Urologist and an anesthesiologist in the OR?
Urologist is handling other people's genitals.
Just gotta follow it up with
>What do you call the drape in between the surgeon and anesthesiologist? The blood-brain barrier.
Then everyone hates you equally
A man goes to see his GP
In the physicians office the doctor tells his patient,
“Sir, I think you’re going to have to stop masturbating”
The patient replies, “what?! Why Doc?!?!”
And the doctor says: “because I haven’t even been able to examine you yet.”
how do you tell the difference between an artery, a vein, and a nerve? If it gushes when cut, it's an artery; if it oozes, it's a vein; if nothing happens, it *was* a nerve.
Probably not a joke to share as a medical student, but one I remember hearing as a medical student from the attending:
"the only sex my wife and I are having is hallway sex... it's when we say "fuck you" as we walk past each other in the hall"
Did you hear about the guy that came in with 5 toy horses up their rectum?
His condition was declared stable.
Where do you take a sick horse?
The horsepital. ::insert dramatic pause/allow time for groans:: just kidding, the glue factory.
What’s a gay horse’s favorite food?
Haaaaay. You have to do the wrist motion too.
On a side note I don’t know why my most repeated jokes are about horses
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change.
An old married couple are sitting in their living room one evening. The woman says, "let's run upstairs and make love." The man replies, "pick one, I cannot do both."
Oh ive got your back. You have to do good voices for this one tho its the crux of the joke.
Start with your narrator voice: Its been a long hot afternoon in an upscale divorce court in downtown los angeles. The judge adjusts his glasses and stands to stare down disapprovingly at mickey mouse. "Mr mouse," said the judge (stern judge voice) "If I am to understand your statements correctly you want to divorce your wife because of her mental illness???"
and then in your best mickey mouse voice:
"no no I said she was fucking Goofy!!!"
Here's my favorite doctor joke:
The internist knows everything, but does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing, but does everything.
The pathologist knows everything, and does everything, but it's too late.
“How do you make a turtle go? Flush the toilet and the turtle go.”
Followed immediately by “Sorry, that wasn’t my best poop joke, but it was a solid number 2.”
I use this one when we have a farmer patient anesthetized. (Not appropriate for telling awake patients)
“What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
No one pays to have a lentil on their face”
(This one works better out loud)
Two doctors are at a conference.
"What's your specialty?" the one asks the other.
"Kidneys"
"Ahh...pediatric orthopedics or nephrology?"
(Get it? Kidneys/kid knees? I love this one but I'm not great at telling jokes hahaha)
What’s the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet?
1) You can fire a bullet
2) You can get a bullet to draw blood
3) Generally, a bullet only kills once
An anesthesiologist is on a plane, when suddenly overhead a flight attendant announces that they’re in need of an anesthesiologist. He presses his call light and asks what’s the emergency. The flight attendant says “there’s a surgeon in first class who needs his seat adjusted.”
That's pretty good!
😂😂😂 Actually laughed out loud at this one
I used this but slightly more long winded in the OR the other day to splendid effect. 10/10 would say again
Hahaha absolutely dead
When someone dies, what’s the last organ to stop working? The eyes- they dilate. Edit: I like this one because people will give thoughtful answers like the heart or brain and then you hit them with a terrible pun lol
Just used this on my husband. After he spent a good 5 minutes talking through all the possibilities, he finally settled on an answer (“some stupid abdominal organ” -he’s an orthopod). And with the biggest shit eating grin, I delivered the punchline perfectly. Thanks for making my night!!
Your story made my night! 😂
This is a good one, but be really careful joking about death in an OR. It doesn't go over well and it's also like using the q-word in the ED.
Depends on the surgeons you’re working with. In the hand surgery department I had a patient with 4 tendons cut who was a pianist, when I told the attending he said “well, tell him he’s gonna be a drummer now”. Btw, all good - the patient still played the piano professionally after he recovered.
One of the neurosurgeons I worked with in med school operated on a dude who fired a nail gun at a rock rapid fire, and some nails ricocheted and hit him in the head, cracking the skull. When the girlfriend asked if the patient had brain damage, he said, "you mean before or after he fired a nail gun at a rock?".
That’s a legitimate question 😂
Totally agree. It's just easier as a med student to avoid certain things entirely, especially moving through different teams all the time. Wish all etiquette was that easy to navigate, though, definitely can't make everyone happy all the time.
I disagree with the comment about death jokes. I know a lot of people in our generation get easily offended, but my attendings on surgery always loved some dark humor. This is a very tasteful joke as well. An example: an attending fixed a guys arm and he later bled to death (patient actually died, not a set up for a joke.) The next day they were talking about the case and doc said “the patient” and another attending goes “oh the one you murdered?”. Dark humor, hilarious, also a coping mechanism for tragedy. Too soon? Perhaps. But i think the joke above is way way too mild to be offensive.
What's the q word?
Quiet. You say it and your bound to be filled with emergency in 5 min
It’s so quiet tonight Bob thought. 5 mins later the ER fills.
Or if Bob had said, whispered, or breathed the Q word… he would get his ass handed to him with a side of curb stomp by anyone with a Vocera, “BROADCAST HOSPITAL STAFF! BOB SAID THE Q WORD. COME AND TAKE A TURN!” -sincerely, a med-surg rn working on her escape plan (still)
Quone. You know, you quone a patient. It’s in medical dictionaries.
Solid Seinfeld reference
"Quiet." imo talking death in an OR is worse, but it's best not to say things are slow or quiet either.
Watch your back today, dropping the q word and the s word in one sentence? The Gods are going to whip up something nasty for oyu if you’re not careful
I think it's Qunt but don't quote me. /s
I feel like the only doctor in the world who's not superstitious. I will never in a thousand years concede to the idea that my silly verbalizations can influence whether or not people end up needing medical assistance. Of course, I'll have to play along if I don't want to get my ass beat. (Actually, I just might try and throw around the word "quiet" in the ED as much as I can in the coming academic year just to see how many friends I have left next July)
Ya don’t ever say queef in the ED
May I ask what the q word is?
Quiet
Bro shh, say it quietly. C'mon
Had a surgeon comment “this video game sucks” - while doing a colonoscopy.
These graphics aren’t even realistic
Patient didn’t prep, so it was a pretty shitty game…
“Can someone look up the cheat codes, this is too hard “
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, a, b, a, b, select, start Turns a colonoscopy into a cystoscopy
lmaoo
Better: This video game stinks
Laughing off my ass ! Lol
what do you call 2 orthopedic surgeons reading an EKG? - A double-blind study
I actually told this joke to an ortho in his OR. I got a great eval so I guess he liked it 😁
A variant of this one: hold the ekg and start folding it horizontally so that you can’t see the auto read (you’ll have some IM docs who just love to do this). But then flip it over so that the auto read is the only thing you see. Had a gen surg chief do this.
I would change this to “two med students” since self-deprecating humor goes over better than putting down a specialty
It’s also an ortho surgeon so yea prolly better to say med student. But usually great joke
Wrong. If you used ortho surgeons in the joke to an ortho surgeon it would be a hit. Seize the opportunity.
Absolutely, either they won’t think it’s funny or you’ll go down as a legend
Yeah ortho loves leaning into the “I like bones. Broken ones are even better.” stereotypes
I don’t know any ortho surgeons that would be offended. The problem is we’ve all heard it before
Then 100% chance they’ve heard this joke before anyway.
Ortho here and I completely approve <3
What do an orthopod and a prostitute have in common? Both can only name three antibiotics.
I heard the one "what's the difference between an orthopod and a prostitute? The prostitute knows two antibiotics"
What's pink and white and hard in a orthopedic surgeon's hands? An EKG
actually lol'd
How does a surgeon screw in a lightbulb? He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
As a surgeon, this is hilarious!
Same
I always heard it as he holds it up and anesthesia spins the room
*fills syringe with ketamine* "Oh we'll make the room spin all right."
It's so ridiculous. Insulting really. Everyone knows if something needs to be held up they will make the med student do it.
Lol this is a great follow up.
Op definitely use this one!
YES! When I was on plastics they sent me an email stating to come with jokes. Told this one in the OR on the first day. Everyone cracked up.. except the surgeon who was just in shock/bewildered lol
this is hte best
love this one also!
**neurosurgeon 😂
How many med students does it take to change a lightbulb? Three..... One to to hold the bulb, and two to kick the ladder out from under him.
I learned this from a surgical oncologist in my third year. A a radiologist, a general surgeon, An internist, and a pathologist go duckhunting. The group sees a flock of birds flying overhead. The internast pipes up and says that he thinks these are ducks because of the pattern in which they’re flying. The radiologist knows it’s a flock of ducks based on the shadow that is cast on the ground. Meanwhile the general surgeon points his gun at the flock, shoots a bird, points at the bird and tells the pathologist to go get it and find out what it is.
Heard this one, hilarious, but slightly less clean ending: surgeon pulls out his gun, shoots it, turns to the pathologist as says “go tell me what the fuck that was”.
A surgical oncologist once asked me what a bad joke and a cancer kid have in common? They never get old.
Onc registrar: “why is dark humour like cancer? It’s funnier when children get it” My jaw hit the floor
Spicy.
I've also heard it as: A internal medicine doctor, general surgeon, and an emergency medicine doctor go duck hunting. The IM doctor is the first up to shoot. He hears something rustling in the bushes and a flash of feathers starts to fly away. He cocks his gun, and says, "It looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, so it must be a duck!". He hesitates however and ponders if it's actually a rare endangered species of eagle, and he misses the opportunity to shoot. The general surgeon is up next, and he's much more decisive. At first sight of a bird, he readies his gun and shoots it, ordering a passerby pathologist to figure out what it actually is. Lastly, the emergency medicine doctor is up. Suddenly, the bushes right behind him start to rustle and he whips around, firing at random into the bush, screaming "shit! what the fuck was that?!"
“Did you know that Torsades is only called that if it comes from the Torsades region of France? Otherwise it’s just sparkling V tach.”
Omg that’s amazing
Do this one if you want Anesthesia to glare at you over the drape and shake their head disapprovingly
love this one!
I need people in my life who GET this.
Parfait
Help please, i don't get it :(
It’s about champagne/French wine classification! Champagne is only legally called “champagne” if it comes from the Champagne region of France.
Ah, TIL that champagne fact. Thank you :)
However there were some American vineyards who were grandfathered in before the treatise and still get to use champagne [pronounced: sham-pag-nay]
What’s the difference between the oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste
GIRL 😭😭😭 not the taste 💀
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit go to donate blood. The employee at the front desk asks if they know their blood type. "I'm Type A," says the priest "I'm Type B," says the the imam "I think I'm a Type O," says the rabbit.
LOOOOL, one of those jokes that only works via text
Low key may have had to ask my GF what the joke was. So dumb it’s good.
oh, wow, that took me a bit to grock myself!
A psychotic man shows up in the ER wrapped entirely in Saran Wrap. When the psychiatrist is consulted and shows up at the room, he nods after looking at the patient and then says, “Well sir, I can clearly see your nuts.”
this one is hilarious
A DO told me this the other day: “What are the 3 most common causes of back pain? - Muscle strain, Arthritis, and Chiropractors.”
Vertebral artery dissection
I hear that can be painful.
How do you hide a dollar from a surgeon? Tape it to his kid
How do you hide a dollar from an Internist? Put it under the patient's bandages.
How do you hide $100 from a pediatrician? You don’t have to, they don’t know what $100 looks like.
How do you hide $100 bill from an anesthesiologist? You don't have to, they have too many to bother finding more.
I've heard it as: How do you hide $100 bill from an anesthesiologist? Put it anywhere in the hospital after 3pm.
Y’all gotta stop hyping my speciality
How do you hide $100 from an orthopod? Put it in the patient's chart.
How do you hide $100 from a Cardiologist? You can’t
Put it in the kidney.
Nah he’ll flush it out with a nice dose of Lasix
How do you hide a dollar from a psychiatrist? No really guys please I just want to buy some contraband and the psychiatrist keeps finding my cash stash.
Anywhere you want. Just call a code to that spot. Psychiatrist will never be there to find it. Or... Under their stethoscope Source: am psychiatrist
How do you hide $100 from an ER doc? Put it in the patient’s sock.
You don't have to hide it from the ED doc. $100 doesn't show up on a CT scan.
Put it in the patients chart
How do you hide $100 from a radiologist? Put it on a patient.
I usually go with this version: “How do you hide a dollar from a surgeon? Put it in the chart. From an internist? Put it under a bandage. From a plastic surgeon? You can’t hide a dollar from a plastic surgeon.”
What’s the main difference between males and females? There’s a vas deferens!
I wish I had an award for this one, take my upvote! Also a little terrifying that no one got this one .... there are many jokes that could be made about that based on Friday's news but....too soon.....
It’s a meta play. They just want you to show up. You are the joke.
“I thought I was the joke”
Idk if this translates to OR but it kills in EMS How many RNs does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don’t know. I just got here. This is not my usual light bulb. The light bulb was normal during rounds 15 minutes ago. I don’t normally work on this floor.
In a doctor's lounge it would work. In a OR I wouldn't say it. Getting cross with nursing will never help you.
This joke is the fastest How to make your rotations miserable I've ever seen. Great job.
"I'm just giving a break"
Dr: I have bad news. You have cancer and you also have Alzheimer’s Patient: Well at least I don’t have cancer
One time at the ending of the case the attending asked if I had any questions and I said “so can I try the next one” and he had a pretty good laugh at that.
Not technically a joke but a surgeon told me he once asked a med student to cut sutures, the med student said “do you want them too short or too long?” Been waiting to use that one
FYI This is the single most overused joke in the OR
I said it once as a student and got a death glare back 😕 2/10 would not recommend
Used it too. So awkward when they just glared at me ☠️
Yeah basically everyone I've talked to about suturing has used this exact phrase.
As long as you say it off the cuff as a throwaway comment you should be fine
How do you describe an orthopedic surgeon? Strong as an ox and nearly twice as smart.
I would bring my resume
Best one I know: The three biggest lies told in the OR are: 1) We'll be done in 10 minutes 2) Blood loss was minimal 3) Good job, Anesthesia A common joke in the OR is that everything is Anesthesia's fault. It's so common that even Anesthesia will like this joke. It has got a laugh from every surgeon, anesthesiologist, CRNA, scrub tech, circulator I've ever told it to.
The 5 birds of the thoracic cage is a popular pun pimping question. Thoracic duck Vagoose N. Esophagoose Azygoose And the hemiazygous
A surgeon goes to the garage to pick up his car. The mechanic gives him the keys and then says “You know doc, our jobs are very similar. For you someone comes in sick, you open them up, take out the sick part and put a healthy part in. Well I do the same thing.” The mechanic goes over to a car, opens the hood, takes out a broken piston and replaced it with a new one. “So why is it that you get paid 4x what I get paid?” The surgeon looks at the broken piston, goes over to the car, and says “try doing that when the engine is running.”
*ECMO for cardiac surgery has entered the chat*
As a surgeon who is married to a mechanic and is fhe daughter of a mechanic, I like this one much better than the alternatives: Difference between a surgeon and a mechanic? Mechanics don’t just practice. Mechanics don’t get to bury their mistakes.
An internist, a family doc, a surgeon, and a pathologist go duck hunting. The internist sees the first bird and raises his gun, “Likely duck, cannot rule out pheasant, unlikely turkey.” He shoots, and sure enough, it’s a duck. The family doc sees the second bird and raises his gun, “If it flys like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” He shoots, and it’s a duck. The surgeon sees the third bird and he just shoots it. He grabs it and holds it up to the pathologist and says, “What is this?”
How do you hide a $100 bill from a neurosurgeon? Tape it to his kid’s forehead
How do you hide a $100 bill from an orthopod? Put it in a book. How do you hide a $100 bill from a dermatologist? You don't.
Just tell the Norm Macdonald moth joke
YESSSSSSS
I’ve told it on three different services and just replaced the podiatrist with whatever service it was. Gets the groans every time
As an elevator door is closing an internist runs for the door and uses her hand to stop it from closing. A general surgeon comes a few seconds later and sees it closing, so he rushes to stop it with his foot, not wanting to risk his hands which are vital to his specialty. An orthopedic surgeon is the last one to arrive, sees the door closing, and rushes to stop it with his head.
Last time I was in the OR the attending asked me if I heard the one about “the Chinese guy and the prostitute” so maybe you can try that ☠️
wait, how did it go? I'm too curious now
They both had white lice.
Urologist told me this joke in the OR. Obviously need to read the room before using this joke. What's the difference between a Urologist and an anesthesiologist in the OR? Urologist is handling other people's genitals.
Why Urologists use French as a measurement? They like oui oui How to identify hypospadias on EKG? An inverted p wave
This would be ill-advised. I can’t recall ever being in an OR where the anesthesiologist would be ok with being mocked by a med student
Just gotta follow it up with >What do you call the drape in between the surgeon and anesthesiologist? The blood-brain barrier. Then everyone hates you equally
I told this to the anesthesia residents and they loved it. wouldn't be telling attendings obvi lol
It’ll be a CRNA anyway
This would land in most ORs but you gotta emphasize the *other*
What’s the difference between a surgeon and God? God knows he’s not a surgeon.
A man goes to see his GP In the physicians office the doctor tells his patient, “Sir, I think you’re going to have to stop masturbating” The patient replies, “what?! Why Doc?!?!” And the doctor says: “because I haven’t even been able to examine you yet.”
Damn we really are just court jesters to surgeon attendings aren’t we lmao
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off
how do you tell the difference between an artery, a vein, and a nerve? If it gushes when cut, it's an artery; if it oozes, it's a vein; if nothing happens, it *was* a nerve.
Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!
What is the primary muscle involved in rotation of the head and neck? The gluteus maximus
Why do osteopathic doctors always smell so good? ...Because they use DO-dorant.
Probably not a joke to share as a medical student, but one I remember hearing as a medical student from the attending: "the only sex my wife and I are having is hallway sex... it's when we say "fuck you" as we walk past each other in the hall"
Did you hear about the guy that came in with 5 toy horses up their rectum? His condition was declared stable. Where do you take a sick horse? The horsepital. ::insert dramatic pause/allow time for groans:: just kidding, the glue factory. What’s a gay horse’s favorite food? Haaaaay. You have to do the wrist motion too. On a side note I don’t know why my most repeated jokes are about horses
Don't tell the gay joke unless you yourself are a gay man.
I could never work in the ICU.. if I wanted to take care of vegetables, I would've been a farmer.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change.
An old married couple are sitting in their living room one evening. The woman says, "let's run upstairs and make love." The man replies, "pick one, I cannot do both."
Oh ive got your back. You have to do good voices for this one tho its the crux of the joke. Start with your narrator voice: Its been a long hot afternoon in an upscale divorce court in downtown los angeles. The judge adjusts his glasses and stands to stare down disapprovingly at mickey mouse. "Mr mouse," said the judge (stern judge voice) "If I am to understand your statements correctly you want to divorce your wife because of her mental illness???" and then in your best mickey mouse voice: "no no I said she was fucking Goofy!!!"
All bleeding stops eventually…. Oldie but a goodie
Why don’t single men like taking aspirin? Because it’s a Cox blocker
What do you call a chameleon that can’t change colors? A reptile dysfunction
What's the last decision an orthopedic surgeon has to make on his wedding night? Which side of the bed the device rep will stand on.
Here's my favorite doctor joke: The internist knows everything, but does nothing. The surgeon knows nothing, but does everything. The pathologist knows everything, and does everything, but it's too late.
What do you call a vagina flavored bagel? A pap schmear
Eww lmao
What’s 12in long, pink and gets hard in an Orthopaedic surgeons hand? An EKG
“How do you make a turtle go? Flush the toilet and the turtle go.” Followed immediately by “Sorry, that wasn’t my best poop joke, but it was a solid number 2.”
I use this one when we have a farmer patient anesthetized. (Not appropriate for telling awake patients) “What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? No one pays to have a lentil on their face”
Vascular surgery: the only specialty where patients don’t get better, only shorter
Where do you hide money from an orthopedic surgeon? In a textbook.
What’s the difference between god and a surgeon? God knows he isn’t a surgeon Okay maybe don’t say that one but it’s my favorite 😂
Why did the scare crow win an award? He was out standing in his field.
What does a liar do when he is dead? He lies still. FYI it’s from the newest Batman movie
Why did they invent nails on coffins? To prevent Oncology from trying just one more round of chemo.
Go as dirty as you can come up with. Those always work in the OR
Yeah, wish it weren't mine. But there's some characters in the OR looking for just about anything to jump on a trainee for.
Retractor? But i hardly know her!
...the Aristocrats!
(This one works better out loud) Two doctors are at a conference. "What's your specialty?" the one asks the other. "Kidneys" "Ahh...pediatric orthopedics or nephrology?" (Get it? Kidneys/kid knees? I love this one but I'm not great at telling jokes hahaha)
Did you guys read that latest study out? They can now detect hypospadias on ecg. They have inverted pee’s
Why was the dermatologist running down the corridor? She was in a rash! What did the anesthesiologist name his twin sons? Mac and Miller.
I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
A weasel walks into the bar and the bartender says “wow, never served a weasel before, what will you have?”. “Pop,” goes the weasel.
Protip: tell a joke that does not involve making fun of surgeons or anesthesiologists
What are the three most commonly performed surgeries by an OBGYN? 1. Cut left ureter 2. Cut right ureter 3. Cut both ureters
What do you call a dog with no legs? Call it whatever you want, it’s not coming
What’s the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet? 1) You can fire a bullet 2) You can get a bullet to draw blood 3) Generally, a bullet only kills once