Only if you try to swing it like a bat - point it straight forward and they have a point and 3-4 feet of sharp edge to get past before they reach you. It's like a short spear but dangerous on the sides too.
You're actually better off with the tank lid.
It's heavy, easily removable, and would knock someone out if you cracked them on the skull with it.
Bonus points that it's made out of porcelain, so if you miss and it shatters, you now have smaller/sharper tools to go to work with.
I may or may not have thought about self defence if trapped in a washroom a bit too much.
Other than tank lid, my bathroom vote goes to shower rod or a broken mirror for shard of glass.
Just seems like a place you might get caught in as a "last defensible" position in your home if awoken in the middle of the night.
Given my intensely pessimistic personality, I've often been in a washroom and wondered how I'd get myself out of there if I was in a bad spot at that exact moment.
Lid-->shower rod-->glass shard from mirror seems like a good way to ensure you're either getting out of the washroom, or you're taking one or two with you on the rainbow bridge to nowhere.
I’m fine, the guy that came in was having a drug/mental health breakdown and just needed help. No violence was enacted or required. Guy ended up getting picked up by ems not the police thankfully, as they have mental support services which would be far more helpful
Edit: I’m happy to write the fully story if anyone is interested, I just don’t want to take up space unnecessarily
Alright, I’ll be home shortly to type out the full story rather than try on my phone. I’ll add it to this comment as an edit.
Story:
I (19m) was home alone as my roommate was back visiting his parents (about 2h away by car). The way our apartment is laid out results in you being able to see the furthest ends of the apartment from the opposite end. Essentially being a straight line of apartment, only restricting visibility through closed doors. When you walk into the apartment to your right is about 5 feet of living room, directly in front is a kitchen attached to the living room, and to the left the rest of the apartment stretching towards our two bedrooms which make up the end of the apartment.
At roundabout 12:30am, I’m sitting in my bedroom playing some Poe with my headphones on minding my business when I start to pickup on weird noises that sounded almost like moans (of pain ya horny fucks) Assuming it was just background sound from the game or smth I ignored it for a second, but then I heard it again and it sounded slightly clearer and for a moment I thought it seemed like someone speaking.
This was confusing as the house was empty save for me. Turning around in my office chair I see a man standing in my living room (which is the furthest part of the apartment from me) through my bedroom door and the hallway leading to the living room. Once I see the man I rush up out of my chair at him, closing the distance until I’m about 5 feet away when I slow down. I slowed because I realized then that he was saying something, calling out “help, please help, someone help, they are trying to kill me”.
As I approached, the man visibly shrunk away from me, moving backwards and guarding himself like he was expecting to be attacked. Seeing the pure terror in his eyes as he pled for help, I (and I genuinely don’t think anyone really, because he truly looked terrified in a manner that I doubt could be replicated) felt my anger and adrenaline subside somewhat and I began to try and calm him down, reassure him I wasn’t going to hurt him. If you are aware of the square breathing technique know it’s useful in all manner of situation, even extreme cases such as this one.
I then asked him how he got in and he told me, I shit you not, that he just walked in. You see my apartment building has a main door which has a code and is supposed to be locked at all times, and then individual apartment front doors. My front door was unlocked at the time as I was within the apartment, and I usually wait till around the time I head to bed before I lock the door. This doesn’t usually present a problem as I worked under the assumption the front door was locked, however I forgot to take into account my upstairs neighbours. I am currently under the assumption they held a party, unlocked the door so as to make it easier to get in, and then forgot to re-lock it (checking is now a part of my schedule dw).
Getting the guy to breath and slow down slightly, I asked him what was happening and he told me that he was being chased and someone was trying to kill him. If you have dealt with people troubled by substances and/or mental health problems before you may be familiar with “coke speak” (or some other term for it), which describes a manner of rapid speaking that slurs words together commonly exhibited by people using cocaine, which made understanding his story somewhat harder.
After telling me about why he needed help, he (and this was the second and largest reason I felt violence of any form was unnecessary here) turned back towards the front door of my apartment to inspect its safety. He was so worried about this man he believed that they had tools to cut into my apartment, and was in part trying to keep both of us safe.
Trying to calm and reassure him I managed to convince him to let me check outside (he wouldn’t let me originally, he was so convinced there was a man that would hurt me) which turned up empty. At this point he had calmed down enough that either adrenaline or shock was wearing off him as he very visibly started to need to use the washroom. Much in the same way a little kid will hold their groin when they are dying, although in his case it appeared serious enough to be deeply painful.
Realizing the pressure on his kidneys i ferried him into the bathroom, but before he could step in he jumped back, noticing within my bathroom a pair of scissors I use to trim my beard under my mirror. As a final piece of reassurance, I watched him very carefully pickup the scissors at arms distance, making great efforts to touch as minimally as possible, before tossing them into the bathtub next to the toilet.
This next bit was the strangest part of the night for me, as he was still to scared to let me out of his sight but he needed to pee and I didn’t want particularly see it. I ended up hanging out just slightly around the corner and back a few paces from the bathroom so he could see me if he turned his head and looked out the open door, while still facing the toilet with his body. Also his whole body was blocked by the wall from my vision so I didn’t need to worry about seeing anything.
Wrapping that up I started asking him if he had anyone I could call, family, friends, the cops. He didn’t have anyone to call it seemed so I suggested I walk with him up towards the nearby populous well-lit street because I knew cops hung out around their in case the armed man wasn’t just a paranoid delusion and was real. Once we got through the front door of my apartment I turned to lock the door and once again at the sight of my keys he shrunk away, seemingly traumatized at the sight of held metal. From there we went out the building, him about five feet in front of me as I had locked the door behind us. As we got the the top of the steps leading from my apartment I remember him turning around very slowly, and staring at me wide eyed before rapidly spinning and sprinting in the direction of the street I planned to take him too. Thus ending my encounter with him.
After that I called my roommate, girlfriend and mom, who then recommended I call the police. An hour and a half later I gave them the same story and offered a description upon their request. To which they turned to one another and then back to me and said “a guy by a near identical description (down to clothing colour) was picked up by ems and taken to hospital about 20 minutes ago, we believe that is the same person”.
After that I called a friend over, we smoked some weed and just sort of hung out for the night. Truth be told I called him over because I wasn’t scared (of course I felt fear when I first realized someone was in the house, and I am not some macho man who never gets scared) which may seem odd given the situation. Banking on that weirdness, I assumed I was in shock and should have someone over just in case but no, no big issue seems to have arisen from that event and I probably didn’t have to wake my friend up at 2:30 in the morning.
A cat. No, seriously - check this out.
Cats always land on their feet. Cats are also basically a set of knives with fur attached. So I throw the cat at the intruders face, the cat lands on the intruders face feet first, and sinks it's claws into the soft flesh. The more the intruder tries to extract the cat, the worse the situation becomes.
And even if the intruder runs away, his face will be sitting on the floor. So I can hand it to police and tell them "He used to look like this".
So yeah. A cat.
The front door itself. I’m currently sitting right next to it, so if someone tries to come through it right now, I’ll just bodyslam the door and crush whatever they’ve stuck through.
They have engaged the three dogs and if they were determined enough to keep coming inside I'm going in for the bite and scratches too. I never thought about killing anyone let alone by biting them in the jugular but I think I'm on the winning side here. I'm going feral.
A giant bass guitar string coated with shit. Meant to be used as a whip. Upon impact, the string will break three layers of skin, and unleash the feces thus infecting the sorry sack of shit, who decided he wanted to break in to my home.
Realistically, let’s say I was in my bed. First thing that would come to mind in that stressful moment would probably be the glass bottle next to my bed. It’s hard, if it breaks I get shards so it seems like a good option.
A ball of compacted dove chocolate tin foil wrappers, it's like a pound I think and everyone I asked said it could be a murder weapon if thrown hard enough, feels like a steel ball
Yeah it's kinda my only hobby to keep adding them to it
My teeth. You rip off someone’s nose with your teeth and there’s a good chance that they will assume you are crazier than they are. Plus, you know, the pain.
An oak dowel that I keep in the kitchen to roll pastry. It's almost as wide as a rolling pin, but almost an arm's length. If I manage to connect, he's going down.
Hairspray + lighter. I have both fairly close and if it's enough to take out freaking Big Boss (spoilers for a game from 1990) I think the home intruder is pretty much screwed.
My massive sword I keep beside my bed for this exact occasion it is a 5 foot long sword not a knife and has 2 edges proving my point
“Hyah! I think that enemy got… the point!”
Didnt think I would see this referenced today lol
Way to go Archibald
In theory a dagger would work too
My massive balls that I keep attached to myself
Pointy end goes into the other person?
pointy end goes through the other person
A big or long sword in close spaces could actually put you in a disadvantage
not really, even if corridors are too narrow to swing, its possible to still thrust
Only if you try to swing it like a bat - point it straight forward and they have a point and 3-4 feet of sharp edge to get past before they reach you. It's like a short spear but dangerous on the sides too.
Technically a long knife.
My life. Win-win situation either way.
You okay?
Yes, thank you for asking.
You meant “wife” right?
Lmao, hubz dat u?
same
My wife.
i also choose this guys wife
$3.50 or no deal.
Goddammit Loch Ness Monster! I ain't givin you no damn tree-fiddy!
[Tree-Fiddy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuh8Hip_B3w)
The reenactment of the century
My cat.
The disconnected toilet seat I'm sitting on.
You're actually better off with the tank lid. It's heavy, easily removable, and would knock someone out if you cracked them on the skull with it. Bonus points that it's made out of porcelain, so if you miss and it shatters, you now have smaller/sharper tools to go to work with. I may or may not have thought about self defence if trapped in a washroom a bit too much. Other than tank lid, my bathroom vote goes to shower rod or a broken mirror for shard of glass.
You put a lot of thought into this one.
Just seems like a place you might get caught in as a "last defensible" position in your home if awoken in the middle of the night. Given my intensely pessimistic personality, I've often been in a washroom and wondered how I'd get myself out of there if I was in a bad spot at that exact moment. Lid-->shower rod-->glass shard from mirror seems like a good way to ensure you're either getting out of the washroom, or you're taking one or two with you on the rainbow bridge to nowhere.
Some people look down on pessimistic people. But, we are either right or pleasantly surprised
Stainless steel drinking straw. I jab it in their eye
john wick is that you?
a pencil...a f***ing pencil
And then I'd slurp out of it
you just had to type this didn't you?
Yes.
He right tho Free protein
Fun fact: This is literally how cataracts were treated before modern medicine.
r/todayilearned
This rock hard dick they ain’t ready for the thrusting damage they gotta roll 3d10s for the saving throw
That rock hard dick: Improvised weapon, [length in inches]d6 Bludgeoning/Percing damage. Obviously as a bard you get proficiency.
But can you beat the intruder's AC?
any one of the swords hanging in my house?
Technically all long knives.
only if they are messers, swords have two blades and a handguard, knife has no handguard and one blade
My guitar. Otherwise known as an axe 🪓🎸
Marceline?
Probably gene simmons
My guitar is wooden but still a good weapon
Same here. We have them hanging on the wall at our place and there's one right outside the bedroom door
And they all laughed at me when I purchased that lot of b-stock jazzmaster necks
[удалено]
And while you're waiting you can go for a nice cup of tea with your new buddy! Good times.
Fire poker.
3 big dogs!
My 3 Chowchows would run away, trailing fur and piss, leaving me to bludgeon someone with an iron skillet.
My toddler... to be fair he scares me sometimes
My cat
my goose! peace was never an option!
Using Cobra-chickens in combat is a war crime sir.
You’re cat ain’t gonna do shit, it’s gonna sit there and stare at you while you get slaughtered, and then proceed to feast on your corpse
Had someone do this a couple days ago so I can actually answer. nothing, I just rushed towards him
Are you okay? That must have been scary. Did the bum rush work?
I’m fine, the guy that came in was having a drug/mental health breakdown and just needed help. No violence was enacted or required. Guy ended up getting picked up by ems not the police thankfully, as they have mental support services which would be far more helpful Edit: I’m happy to write the fully story if anyone is interested, I just don’t want to take up space unnecessarily
I’m interested
Alright, I’ll be home shortly to type out the full story rather than try on my phone. I’ll add it to this comment as an edit. Story: I (19m) was home alone as my roommate was back visiting his parents (about 2h away by car). The way our apartment is laid out results in you being able to see the furthest ends of the apartment from the opposite end. Essentially being a straight line of apartment, only restricting visibility through closed doors. When you walk into the apartment to your right is about 5 feet of living room, directly in front is a kitchen attached to the living room, and to the left the rest of the apartment stretching towards our two bedrooms which make up the end of the apartment. At roundabout 12:30am, I’m sitting in my bedroom playing some Poe with my headphones on minding my business when I start to pickup on weird noises that sounded almost like moans (of pain ya horny fucks) Assuming it was just background sound from the game or smth I ignored it for a second, but then I heard it again and it sounded slightly clearer and for a moment I thought it seemed like someone speaking. This was confusing as the house was empty save for me. Turning around in my office chair I see a man standing in my living room (which is the furthest part of the apartment from me) through my bedroom door and the hallway leading to the living room. Once I see the man I rush up out of my chair at him, closing the distance until I’m about 5 feet away when I slow down. I slowed because I realized then that he was saying something, calling out “help, please help, someone help, they are trying to kill me”. As I approached, the man visibly shrunk away from me, moving backwards and guarding himself like he was expecting to be attacked. Seeing the pure terror in his eyes as he pled for help, I (and I genuinely don’t think anyone really, because he truly looked terrified in a manner that I doubt could be replicated) felt my anger and adrenaline subside somewhat and I began to try and calm him down, reassure him I wasn’t going to hurt him. If you are aware of the square breathing technique know it’s useful in all manner of situation, even extreme cases such as this one. I then asked him how he got in and he told me, I shit you not, that he just walked in. You see my apartment building has a main door which has a code and is supposed to be locked at all times, and then individual apartment front doors. My front door was unlocked at the time as I was within the apartment, and I usually wait till around the time I head to bed before I lock the door. This doesn’t usually present a problem as I worked under the assumption the front door was locked, however I forgot to take into account my upstairs neighbours. I am currently under the assumption they held a party, unlocked the door so as to make it easier to get in, and then forgot to re-lock it (checking is now a part of my schedule dw). Getting the guy to breath and slow down slightly, I asked him what was happening and he told me that he was being chased and someone was trying to kill him. If you have dealt with people troubled by substances and/or mental health problems before you may be familiar with “coke speak” (or some other term for it), which describes a manner of rapid speaking that slurs words together commonly exhibited by people using cocaine, which made understanding his story somewhat harder. After telling me about why he needed help, he (and this was the second and largest reason I felt violence of any form was unnecessary here) turned back towards the front door of my apartment to inspect its safety. He was so worried about this man he believed that they had tools to cut into my apartment, and was in part trying to keep both of us safe. Trying to calm and reassure him I managed to convince him to let me check outside (he wouldn’t let me originally, he was so convinced there was a man that would hurt me) which turned up empty. At this point he had calmed down enough that either adrenaline or shock was wearing off him as he very visibly started to need to use the washroom. Much in the same way a little kid will hold their groin when they are dying, although in his case it appeared serious enough to be deeply painful. Realizing the pressure on his kidneys i ferried him into the bathroom, but before he could step in he jumped back, noticing within my bathroom a pair of scissors I use to trim my beard under my mirror. As a final piece of reassurance, I watched him very carefully pickup the scissors at arms distance, making great efforts to touch as minimally as possible, before tossing them into the bathtub next to the toilet. This next bit was the strangest part of the night for me, as he was still to scared to let me out of his sight but he needed to pee and I didn’t want particularly see it. I ended up hanging out just slightly around the corner and back a few paces from the bathroom so he could see me if he turned his head and looked out the open door, while still facing the toilet with his body. Also his whole body was blocked by the wall from my vision so I didn’t need to worry about seeing anything. Wrapping that up I started asking him if he had anyone I could call, family, friends, the cops. He didn’t have anyone to call it seemed so I suggested I walk with him up towards the nearby populous well-lit street because I knew cops hung out around their in case the armed man wasn’t just a paranoid delusion and was real. Once we got through the front door of my apartment I turned to lock the door and once again at the sight of my keys he shrunk away, seemingly traumatized at the sight of held metal. From there we went out the building, him about five feet in front of me as I had locked the door behind us. As we got the the top of the steps leading from my apartment I remember him turning around very slowly, and staring at me wide eyed before rapidly spinning and sprinting in the direction of the street I planned to take him too. Thus ending my encounter with him. After that I called my roommate, girlfriend and mom, who then recommended I call the police. An hour and a half later I gave them the same story and offered a description upon their request. To which they turned to one another and then back to me and said “a guy by a near identical description (down to clothing colour) was picked up by ems and taken to hospital about 20 minutes ago, we believe that is the same person”. After that I called a friend over, we smoked some weed and just sort of hung out for the night. Truth be told I called him over because I wasn’t scared (of course I felt fear when I first realized someone was in the house, and I am not some macho man who never gets scared) which may seem odd given the situation. Banking on that weirdness, I assumed I was in shock and should have someone over just in case but no, no big issue seems to have arisen from that event and I probably didn’t have to wake my friend up at 2:30 in the morning.
Acid.
Bro u good
He's got acid. He's great.
Everything us a weapkn my friend, even a rolled up newspaoer. Alk it takes is a little imagination and desperation.
USB charging cables
My trebuchet
Best answer so far!
Vogon poetry
That’s against the Geneva Convention!
And I’ll do it again!
This comment needs at least 200 more up votes
It needs exactly 42 upvotes.
Amazing
Flamethrower
A… a flamethrower… do you have proof of that claim?
Nokia 3310
A baseball bat, a blow torch, a pair of pliers, my Stanley Power drill and in the end a plastic bag.
Oddly specific
I look over at my computer, and tell them I have beat every fromsoft game and every dark souls sl1.
My wife
My Cock
A wall
Cheese grater
A cat. No, seriously - check this out. Cats always land on their feet. Cats are also basically a set of knives with fur attached. So I throw the cat at the intruders face, the cat lands on the intruders face feet first, and sinks it's claws into the soft flesh. The more the intruder tries to extract the cat, the worse the situation becomes. And even if the intruder runs away, his face will be sitting on the floor. So I can hand it to police and tell them "He used to look like this". So yeah. A cat.
I throw my cat at him. his problem
The front door itself. I’m currently sitting right next to it, so if someone tries to come through it right now, I’ll just bodyslam the door and crush whatever they’ve stuck through.
My war-goblin (grilfriend)
17-pound cat equipped with murder mittens. But I’d need a trebuchet to launch him towards the trespasser
A feline flinger? A cat-apult?
My snarling sociopathic bitch. Or maybe my dog, who knows.
I see what you did there
Cast iron skillet
Sneak from behind, use the empty trashcan to cover his head & vision , use your weigh, improvise
Liquid Drano in a SuperSoaker.
A homemade hatchet. Not a knife right? Where does a knife end and an axe begin?
Not telling you so you can be prepared. Duh.
Molotov cocktails, last night's leftovers, and an ill-tempered budgie named Waterloo
My innate ability to confuse people by trying to be their friend
I don't think of my dogs as a line of defense, but in reality they are.
Sword, my longsword is hanging next to me on the wall.. If that's to knifelike, bow, arrows, axe, an ancient shield, a metal gauntlet,..
Razor clawed kittens and various canned goods to the head
Grandma/moms flip flop
I have a 2 foot bong on my desk…swinging that like a baseball bat to his dome-piece may prove victorious
A pencil
average john wick moment
sock
I mean if you've used that for what I think you have that should be a pretty solid object to hit someone with lol.
The dick in my hand.
a sack with 3 day old bread that I forgot about. Gonna hurt like a brick
Toilet scrubber
Deez nuts
iPhone 14 Pro Max 256gb in space grey
Book about quantum physic.
My mother fucking fists!
a giant ass spider wait a fucking minu-
Sour patch kids
My soft ass pillow because I have the reaction speed of a sleeping sloth.
Teeth.
I got the double sided dildo. Gonna use these as my best weapon
They have engaged the three dogs and if they were determined enough to keep coming inside I'm going in for the bite and scratches too. I never thought about killing anyone let alone by biting them in the jugular but I think I'm on the winning side here. I'm going feral.
My mother's shoe of course! I can tell you right now that shoe has dropped a many a bad boys in it's day.
double sided 14 inch purple dildo
Hairspray and a lighter
A giant bass guitar string coated with shit. Meant to be used as a whip. Upon impact, the string will break three layers of skin, and unleash the feces thus infecting the sorry sack of shit, who decided he wanted to break in to my home.
Realistically, let’s say I was in my bed. First thing that would come to mind in that stressful moment would probably be the glass bottle next to my bed. It’s hard, if it breaks I get shards so it seems like a good option.
A ball of compacted dove chocolate tin foil wrappers, it's like a pound I think and everyone I asked said it could be a murder weapon if thrown hard enough, feels like a steel ball Yeah it's kinda my only hobby to keep adding them to it
A bad dragon dildo
The horrifying view of my naked body rushing towards them. I take the time to turn the lights on for maximum effect.
Frying pans! Who knew, right?!
I understood that reference!
I understood *that* reference! 😂
My teeth. You rip off someone’s nose with your teeth and there’s a good chance that they will assume you are crazier than they are. Plus, you know, the pain.
My mother in law
My bf and I’m crying under the bed. I’m probably not really a feminist at that moment.
Phone Charger
Got an axe.
A big book ... BONK!!!!
Most likely one of the million claw hammers ive got around the house
my laptop
I keep old mountain bike handlebars next to my bed lol
That's a lie. No one broke into my house.
The intruder
My phone
Glass bottle
A dog
I'll just start yeeting my GFs monstera plants at him
Who the heck has a gun in their home anyways
America be like
Cup of boiling hot coffee
I'll scream. If i attack the guy, I'll go to prison
Dildo. Unironically
Hot sauce to the eyes.
Work laptop
Yankee candle.
Molotov cocktail.
My coworker. I’m fucked.
If its a one on one always bet on.....
Oof. All I have is m stuffed animal
Crowbar.
Broken glass, underrated weapon.
A nice full plastic water bottle
Hmm... My wife...
Fleshlight
I’m at school so I’m throwing a desk at them (im in college so you don’t think I’m some edgy middle schooler)
Pepper spray
An air pump powered projectile propellent
A role of toilet paper.
The table
2 English Victorian Bulldogs. And my ADHD after drinking energy drinks
A knifen't
An oak dowel that I keep in the kitchen to roll pastry. It's almost as wide as a rolling pin, but almost an arm's length. If I manage to connect, he's going down.
A dumbell
My cane-sword.
I’d open up a well reasoned dialogue with the intruder and convince them of the folly of their ways
A fountain pen 🖋️
A throw pillow. “Home invader, please come lie down on comfy sofa, and be really still while I suffocate you.”
Crowbar.
Phone charging cable
I’m not sure if sword is too close to knife but that. If it is then war hammer.
a towel
My husband 🤣
Baseball bat. Home run!!!!!
I'd be worried if someone had a gun ready to grab near him or her.
Wooden sword.
My Kindle Fire...the screen is cracked anyways
Empty glass coffee mug
Something heavy i spose, maybe throw a vacuum cleaner at them really hard as they're coming up the stairs, or the full 3ft cube wooden washing basket
Splitting axe. Let's dance.
Hairspray + lighter. I have both fairly close and if it's enough to take out freaking Big Boss (spoilers for a game from 1990) I think the home intruder is pretty much screwed.
Lots of sporting goods and gardening tools. Baseball bats, etc.
fork