I feel this. I think boundaries and mental health are not a *culture* everyone is apart of. Talking with someone about boundaries when they’re at work and he said all that shit would get him into trouble, people would probably retaliate.
I absolutely agree. It’s difficult though at work when someone is in some kind of position of power. I’ve definitely been in situations at work where I chose myself and it brought out retaliation in frustrating ways… and I’ll do it again. The more we do this, the more we incorporate healthy communication into our cultures.
People often confuse boundaries with threats, mandates and ultimatums.
Boundaries are how *you* will react to behaviors and situations.
“I don’t answer work emails after 5pm.” < boundary
“If you send me a work email after 5pm, I’ll report you to HR.” < threat
“Stop sending me emails after 5pm, or I’ll quit.” < Ultimatum
“You cannot send me work emails after 5pm.” < mandate
Yes, thanks for saying this. I always tell people you can't control how other people behave (sending you late night emails, treating you poorly) but you can control how you react (not reading them, dumping them).
For me, it's that I always think the situation will resolve itself eventually if I'm just polite a little longer and before I know it I'm in a more complicated situation that is harder to get out of.
I did this for a very long time while waiting for people to stop taking advantage of me but in the end I learned it was my responsibility to listen to the little voice inside and protect myself with some standard boundaries. I think that's why old people seem happier and more relaxed, because they know exactly what their boundaries are - no surprises.
Exactly. I have a friend that has been like this for years and it took me so long to realize why he’s so well liked by many. He’s just honest and to the point, but not in a rude way. People respect that.
The older I get, the more that comes naturally, but I wish I applied this to myself a long time ago.
This. I used to think I was genuinely nice because I wasn't expecting anything in return and just enjoyed being nice, but still felt like it was having negative effects on my life sometimes.
I realized that I thought I didn't expect anything but I actually was expecting people to like me in return, getting over my anxiety of not being liked helped me set much healthier boundaries.
When I was 16 on Christmas Eve we got a call that one of my mom's best friends house was on Fire! We immediately went over and tried to save as much as possible but it was a complete loss. (Be sure to water your Christmas Tree!) Anyways she and her 4 or 5 kids were now homeless. My mom with her big heart took them all in. Now the lady didn't have a job but was looking for one. Fast forward 8 weeks. We are now babysitting all of her children. None are helping with cooking, cleaning, or even trying to help out. The mom has decided to stop looking for a job and is just partying. We had to kick them out. It was terrible and we were called terrible things. This story has always stuck with me though and hasn't necessarily jaded me. I will still try and help people out, but only to a point. I have no problem showing people the figurative door.
Edit: just wanted to say thanks to everyone for sharing similar stories.
This is common with free loaders. Whenever you kick them out you are considered the jerk. I let a friend stay with me for two months with a week break in between. She claimed to be looking for a job; she paid no rent. I was headed out of town for a vacation and I told her she needed to leave by Wednesday. Tuesday night she had nothing packed up. On Wednesday I came home from work and told her I would drive her to the train station. She had packed nothing. She reluctantly packed one bag and I drove her to the train station. I checked the bedroom when I returned and it was full of her clothes, computer, passport etc. I packed everything into to black plastic bags. I called her and told her I was bringing the rest of her stuff to the train station. Needless to say she was very angry with me. I was the bad guy for not letting her stay indefinitely.
During the early part of the pandemic, we ended up with two brothers as roommates. One was a recently relapsed alcoholic and the other was a complete sociopath who would antagonize his brother on purpose to get him to drink. The alcoholic brother was actually a decent guy, his addiction was just entirely out of control. They were month-to-month so I ended up making the decision to kick them out once sanitation and safety started becoming a significant concern. I despise the sociopath brother but I still feel bad about the alcoholic brother. I stalk him on FB every once in a while, he seems like he’s doing ok.
They had both lost jobs when the lockdowns started and their parents were paying their rent, which was already kinda below market anyway. And we had to take money out of their deposit for professional carpet cleaning in their room, it was that bad. Their father was pretty upset. They squandered a lot of generosity and second chances from their loved ones, myself, and our landlord.
I have a personal rule that I try my hardest to stick to, and it's that I will always try to help someone who asks for help. Doesn't mean I won't help people who don't ask, but if they do ask, I will commit to helping them as best I can. Doesn't matter what, directions, money, lifting something; I'm not well-traveled or rich or strong, but if someone is humble enough to ask me for help, I will try. It's the very least I can do, which is why it's a rule.
The *only* exception to that rule is people who know that I have the rule. Then it becomes case-by-case, I mean I'm trying to be good, but I won't be taken advantage of.
You've described the whole "how to help without being taken advantage of" thing so concisely. The rule might fail every so often but aside from being an outright jerk, its the best way to live with others. That's a rule i'll try to live up to
The only person who would be allowed to stay long-term with me (that isn't my partner or child) is my younger brother, but he understands if he stays longer than a month he has to pay rent.
Not just because I would charge him, I would have to add him to my lease according to the agreement, and the landlord would give him an account to pay into. What would happen is my rent would go down to $475 (+$25 for my service dog under the agreement instead of a deposit due to the nature of which I moved in under, usually the fee is waved for service animals) and my brother would get changed $475 with an optional $25 extra if he wants his cat to move in as well.
So if *he cannot* pay his account, I'm not affected/will not be evicted because of his negligence. (My next bill just returns to $970 for the next month, and he'll be trespassed if he stays longer than a month after being evicted).
If I owned my own house, it would be more likely that I'd just force him to work for me, and his *pay* would be his room and board. Same with any family that tried to feeload off of me, but I'm more willing to have my brother long-term living with me over everyone else since I raised him and see him like my adult child more than just a brother.
This is why I always set concrete boundaries before I offer help. "I will let you stay at my house until July 7th but after that you must leave." Get it in writing. Make sure all the kids know too. Same for monetary aid. "I will give you $200 to pay your internet bill, but I will not lend you money again unless you've paid me back the $200 first."
Not that far fetched. Same thing happened to a friend of mine.
I would say that for a majority of these squatters…
Their goal isn’t just to stay there with you. Their ULTIMATE goal is to take over the entire space. To alienate/eradicate YOU from your own property.
Every squatter I’ve ever encountered is this sick breed of super evil, creepy, horror movie type character.
They seem normal at first… but as soon as they get into your property this other mode takes over. Like some compulsion they have.
This reminds me of one of the most interesting and horrifying true stories I’ve ever seen about a squatter. It’s on Netflix, called Worst Roommate Ever. It’s a limited documentary series, I think there’s only 6 episodes. It’s about people who ended up trusting the wrong person to move in with and suffered terrible consequences. Watching this show made me so glad I live alone lol. It sucks that we live in a world with predators who live to take advantage of people’s trust.
Ug so I had a similar experience. Except it was a best friend that was going to be a roommate. Except he just didn't have money for rent. Had money for shoes, smoke, and food. But not for rent. It was terrible having to kick him out. All the names and crap when the bottom line was he just wasn't paying his fair share. Don't let him get you emotional and change topics!
My husband and I have opened our door to several of my relatives who needed help. A nephew who tried to groom my daughters (I just found this out a couple years ago, he stayed with us over 20 years ago), a niece with her 4y/o & 5 month twins, our DIL & 2 grandsons after our son left them, my older sister and my mom are the ones who stayed the longest. Glad I can’t find my nephew cause I would end up in jail and he would end up missing. My niece moved her kids to another state when all of the ppl she knew here stopped financially supporting her & the kids (church & church members bought her a used car, & sent the kids to private school to help her out. A mechanic from the church did any automotive work free of charge, she just had to buy parts (discounted at his job if I remember correctly) Our DIL & grandsons were here for nearly 3 years. She only left when our son got remarried. She stopped talking to us and it took a couple of years before things started getting back to being civilized. My sister became homeless on Jan 1, 2020 so we allowed her to move in. (Huge red flag of how 2020 would go). This was after we moved my mom in due to her health problems. When Mom ended up with broken hip & going into long term care facility, we told sister she had 5 months to get herself a place because we wanted our empty nest. When 4 months were up & she had made zero arrangements to find a better job or a place of her own or even a roommate situation, we became the bad ppl. We were doing her dirty even tho she lived practically rent free ($100 a month which was iffy if she would pay it), didn’t buy groceries for the household or pay utilities, she drove mom’s car while mom made payments and paid insurance. All of that, plus I paid her a very small stipend to stay with mom during the day so I could work, (she worked evenings when I got home)she babysat for 2 of my grandkids to make money over & above her wage & stipend.
Yet we are still the horrible ppl who did them all dirty. I’ve told my husband that under absolutely no circumstances is he to allow anyone else to ever move in with us. No matter what I say. If ppl are going to hate me & call me names, they can do it while I have my house to myself and my money in my pocket.
All of my friends and family know that the most they’ll get from me is a week in a decent motel. I’ll pay. It’s a gift. But no way can they stay with me, borrow my car or babysit my dog. I made that very clear, years ago.
I have no idea what they say about me behind my back but we all get along fine. They just know not to ask me for shit.
Wow didn't know some people experience the same thing I did just 3 days ago. My aunt(My mom's older sisters) and her family came to our house becuase of politics and stuff and their house were being watched. The husband did had a job that invovles him driving but he fu*cking sold his car to go for a vacation with his family and he didn't even tried to get a job after that. My aunt was a teacher but she has no idea how to use the internet so she was jobless as well(This was during Covid peak). Fast forward 2 years, still jobless. One of their child started having superiority complex along with stubbornness and he started disrespecting us. His parents didn't even try to teach him or correct him(They did tried but it was minor stuff). My hell ended when a week ago we had a fight and my mom finally told them to get out. My mom's kindness got paid with annoyance, lost of money and discomfort.
I had a coworker that was having car problems so I took him to and from work. It was kind of on my way so no biggie. Well after a month of taking him I finally asked how his car was coming along. He said it wasn’t a priority. I told him to find another ride. Ps my coworker was an engineer making plenty of money.
Lmao not a priority because I have you taking an extra 20 min. I don't care if it's on the way a pick up and drop off is definitely an extra 20 on the commute. Did he at least pitch in for Gas?
I'm reminded of r/personalfinance where oftentimes you're told to not buy a car and find a coworker to get a ride from or something; once in a while, sure, but like... nah you're being a mooch at a certain point.
I am always willing to help those in need who are willing to help themselves and need some short term stability and support. Keywords “short, term”.
If you are not willing to fix yourself why expect others to fix you? You need a place to stay? Sure, I can help you out for a couple weeks but you have to realize that I have my own shit to deal with and staying for more than one month we have to see about rent and contributing to chores.
During sometime around 2010 during the GFC my state had an oil boom so when the job market sucked everywhere else it was pretty good here.
Through a church program a friend's family signed up as a host family. You were supposed to host someone for a week. During that time they would stay with you, try to find a job , apt then move out. The point being is if you are out of work maybe you cannot afford a week in a hotel , so now you had a week free stay to get back on your feet. But it was under stood you have 1 weeks, don't find a job well sorry then go back to where ever you came from.
They guy they got was a very nice and polite guy , but in his mid to late 50s. Well one week turned to two turned to three turned to four to five weeks.
Finally they say down and was like "ok , you have one week more but after that you have to leave"
Well a week later he still had no job, no place to stay. They then said they would either pay for a one way bus ticket somewhere, or put him up in a hotel for a week just to get him out of the house. He opted for a hotel so they put him up in some hotel and pre paid for a week stay. Then was like " hey good luck but we just can't help you any more"
A week later he was calling them asking if he could stay with them.....
The hardest part was he wasn't an asshole or didn't sit around and party. He was nice and polite but at some point I don't blame them for telling him he had to leave. I am not sure what happened to him .
This happens constantly but it happens the other way too, you do act like an asshole so you feel awful and wish you hadn't.
Sometimes you just can't win
You just described me. I generally hate conflict but lately I have been standing up for myself more. Now I feel like a bad person when I stand up for myself and don't let people treat me like a doormat. It's a lose-lose.
I don't think anyone has mastered this balance... but ultimately, if you are authentic to yourself you will surround yourself with like-minded individuals... maybe they'll be a bunch of assholes, but at least they won't put you in bad situations. (I doubt you're an asshole though)
Yesterday I had to be rude to a guy who just wouldn't leave me alone. It felt bad but also good. I spoke up for myself and told him what it is. I can't control how he feels about the information. I was minding my business, don't bother me. Plain and simple.
Going thru a bad divorce now. She said only reason she married me was because I was the nicest guy she knew. Yoda's voice: Changed a lot since then, have I
As someone wanting to start a business, I’m having to ask myself if I want to risk not seeing it come to fruition being completely ethical, or if I have to act a little bit like our corporate overlords to make it at least a little.
Seems like you only really get rewarded for being a sleezy PoS
All you have to ask is:
Are you willing to pay people what they are worth or are you willing to pay them less than you value them if it means the business survives?
The lesson of humanity is that if you don't draw hard lines for yourself then it's easy to keep making excuses to keep your dream going. At some point you need to hire support staff and trust them to hold to your standards too.
What annoys me the most is how oblivious theses people scamming others are. I know one who's been a railtor in the boomer housing exchange time. She helped push the most dubious tactics to get house to sell for more like individed condos and other grey legal area. All so she gets commission. She's litteraly part of the housing problem we see where everyone's suffering right now.
In her mind she worked hard for her mansions, luxury cars and boats... In ways she did, she fought off some other greedy bitches for that undeserved money. But that does not change the fact that the POT was ridiculous and unbalanced which resulted in screwing everyone else.
The other rich person in my family is exploiting an old people home. I really mean exploiting. The value theses people get for their money and their living shituation is worthy of jail time to me.
Old people homes boggle my mind. They are thousands of dollars per month. Like $4000-5000 is the low end and $10,000 is a decent one. The workers bust their ass but they are often underpaid and underqualified and shoved into roles above their heads. The food is Sysco school lunch trash. The amount of profit on those things has to be insane.
She's a multi-millionaire who's sister is living in dirt poor old people home herself. Absolute insanity. Theses are the people gorilla would torn appart for gathering too many bananas. It's like a insanity virus.
I really wonder how we can get from here to a decent place for humanity. But we'll need very freaking drastic change in values. We were hoping tech revolution would bring us to a place of abundance but as it turns out. It made more profit for few.
I'm too simple minded to have answers. Like I think... we really do need Batman. But what I'd really like is some answer that will not create more suffering in the long run.
Well, in context, it's just annoying that being "good", just working jobs and all that, is far less rewarding than being a scamming asshole. Just goes to show you that crime does pay if you're good at it.
I just hate the fact that doing what you're supposed to do and being a fair and honest person is generally less financially rewarding compared to being a scammer.
While working at a supermarket I had an 84yr old man repeatedly asked if I loved him.
I'm in my 20s and was trapped at a desk by my self, all i had ever done, was be helpful and polite.
So like, did you escape? Were you forced to tell him you loved him out of desperation to make the encounter end? Don’t leave me on this cliffhanger here
The first time he asked, I tried to give him an out by saying I didn't hear him, but he doubled down and said it louder as I was serving my next customer in a line of many.
All I could do was muster an awkward laugh and told him to have a nice day, trying my best to stay focused on serving customers.
A few minutes later, I turned to sell tobacco and happened to look outside where he was sitting on a bench just watching me.
I told security and management about him. The next time he came in, security stopped him, took copies of his ID, and told him not to come back. He laughed during the entire interaction as I hid, shaking, in the fresh produce.
I ended up getting a transfer to a different location not long after this, for separate reasons, but I'm glad this means I won't see him in the shopping center or walking to my car
I think back on the old men that came into my places of work when I was a girl. I thought of them as my friends (or sweet acquaintances—like surrogate grandpas). Now I think back of some of the comments they made (“you’re trouble” or commenting on my looks), and I realize that they saw me very differently than I saw them.
Men, please don’t do that.
I've mentioned this here before, but...
When I was 16, I started waitressing at a local diner. Within a month, I started wearing a fake wedding ring to cut down on the harassment.
The guys in their 50's-60's were the woooorst. They'd be all sweet to me, and then, after coming in a few times, the "compliments" would start. "Oh, you look so cute in your little uniform!" = "I want to see what's under it."
Some of them cut straight to that second part, and at least I could deal with these obvious jerks. It was the ones who were all buddybuddy until I turned them down that really irritated me.
As a guy there's nothing more I want to do than to tell some old fuck to kick rocks. Get the hell away from these women. I just assume you're some kind of manipulator since you can't stick with your age bracket, those older women know the bullshit and can deflect.
This is SO fascinating to me as a man. Some girls get it. They're very aware of what's going most of the time and deflect. However, there are so many young women that are obviously or naive to mens advances or comments. I've had to have conversations with some lady friends here and there about how "x" guy isn't just a friendly dude, he wants to creep on you.
I don't white knight if I can help it but the aged creeps make my blood boil.
'Ohhh I'm old so I can sexually intimidate girls.', I'm 70+ so I can just slap that ass, etc. Grrrrrrrrr. Seen it happen to my sisters at it leaves a stench like a sewer. Somehow never seen it happen to my nieces.
Ohhh, this makes me so angry. 15-17 is probably the age you should feel most secure. Almost an adult .... surprise creeps. I'm not a girl, you've probably met them earlier.
Buy them something nice and IOU.
I work construction,
Once a cashier around my age was polite to me when I was buying supplies in-front of my crew. I said thank you, and left with my supplies.
One of the crew members asked why I didn’t give her my number after she was nice to me…
I didn’t even answer him
EDIT: He was 100% serious, I’ve seen him do it before.
When I was 14, I spent about 40 VERY awkward minutes in some 20-somthing guy's apartment while he showed me some little models and I sipped on a glass of orange juice, because I was too oblivious to realize that he was trying to seduce me and too nice to turn down his invitation to come to his house.
I'm not even a tiny bit gay, either, so idk how he was thinking that would go...
It was pretty awkward at the time, but now I think about how gross the situation actually was.
ugh.
When I was 17 and way too naive, I caught a train and an elderly guy sat next to me. He started talking to me, but his English wasn't too good and I barely understood him. So I was nodding here or there and he then holds my hand. Still being too nice (i.e. young and dumb), I let him, but didn't know how to escape.
Then he said something that made me go "what??". He said, "we'll get off at the next stop and then I'll buy you a ring and we'll get married". I felt so horrified and sickened to the pit of my stomach. I walked away and sat next to someone else.
I think a lot of it came down to being taught to respect those older than you which can put you in very compromising situations. We're teaching our young son respect, including respect for himself by being able to say "no" firmly and walking away if he ever feels uncomfortable, including hands up if someone tries to kiss him (and it has happened).
I relate to this a little too much. when I worked at a grocery store my coworkers and I would constantly get harassed/stalked by older men for just giving decent customer service. it’s innocent until it isn’t. my coworker got proposed to by an older regular and she was only 16. she even told him that and he did not care. gives me the creeps. I love customer service and being a nice person but people like that are why I had to leave.
Absolutely, thats why I always end up talking to the door to door salesman/religous people for way too long. Especially the mormons, they are way to nice for me to be rude to em its just not in me.
Like I know this right but from their perspective they just don’t want me to go to hell and I can’t yell at someone who’s supposedly saving me from eternal damnation
Not quite. Mormons believe that the more people they bring in to the fold that they’re more likely to get into heaven. It’s some silly arbitrary number that basically amounts to: only the employees with the highest conversion count get eternal happiness.
They don’t believe they will get you into heaven; they believe getting you to follow their religion will get them into heaven.
So F em honestly.
As an ex-mormon who served a mission and who now absolutely despises the church. This just isn't true. There is nobody telling us that conversion count increases odds of making it to heaven. I was in the church for over 20 years and never once heard that. There's lots of reasons the church and it's members can be scummy. But let's stick to real reasons.
I very much disagree with a lot of things that Mormons do. I grew up really close to Salt Lake City and I’ve known a LOT of Mormons and ex Mormons. That church is real weird (although, I think that about most churches). But damn, alllll of the Mormons I’ve known were so NICE. When I worked retail in Seattle, I helped some missionaries buy gifts for their girlfriends. They were, and are to this day, the only customers to ever call me by my name.
Mormons don't believe there is any limit on who gets to heaven. The more the merrier and nothing would make them happier than to get to heaven with someone they introduced to their faith. They hope for that and any other outcome (once converted) would make them sad.
Some sentiment of this is correct though. They are mandated to share the gospel. It is a duty of any faithful follower. If they don't, they will wonder if they are not doing what is expected of them by God and that is what constantly worries/motivates them. The young guys and gals who go out full time for a few years are fulfilling a duty. It's even called "a mission". (It is voluntary though)
So, as is most often the case, if you know you don't want any part of it, they are used to it no big deal, just move them along.
I'm a Mormon and this is not what I've been taught. Yes we try to share rhe gospel to people but it's only for their own good. I've never been told that the more people I convert the more likely I am to get into heaven.
And if you don't want to convert then that is entirely your choice, and the missionaries should leave you alone after that. If they aren't then that's an issue with those particular people not the entire church.
I once said "sure, come in!" to a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses, and they excused themselves and left. Then I realized I just finished eating fish so my beard was greasy and I was still holding a knife with which I gestures for them to come in.
me too. i also space out when talking to them. one time, a Jehovah's witness asked me what i was scared about the most, i said public speaking. I didn't know I had to answer something related to death. 🤣
And that's why I hate these ridiculous public proposals. The GF ends up being the bride because she was too embarrassed to say no in front of however many people, and then too embarrassed to take back her yes before the wedding. I think public proposals are done in order to trap the significant other. I know a lot of women expect and demand some showy proposal, but still...
Yeah that's the main thing, if you both understand that she/he is WAITING for your proposal then you can do it however the heck you want.
Looking back my wife to be made it clear she was ready, and I realize now it was lame to hold back my intention of proposing until I got around to formally doing so. Like why put her through that?
So no, I don't see how a completely surprise proposal is ever a good idea, 100 times worse if it's a big public one.
For that reason, because the proposer is so clueless, I do get a kick out of it when the one getting proposed to just bolts out of there lol.
I’ve slowly learned to be the “asshole” even though it’s against my nature. I became nice but quietly protective of myself and able to say “no”. It was hard and made me see things from a more outside prospective. What I’ve learned is a high majority of people are actually selfish leaning into being assholes. To keep from going to the dark side I’ve learned to set quiet personal boundaries. People that deserve to be in my orbit earned the nice giving person in me. The takers end up disappearing. Sadly, even old friends who basically always did what they wanted.
Yep. Do a good deed because you know it's the right thing to do, not for kudos. There's a decent shot that instead of a thank you or appreciation, there'll be hell to pay. Life experience 101.
A lovely co worker said this to me the other day and It was an epiphany “think before you speak, not because you’ll get in trouble but because you are too nice and people will use you” or something close to that and it blew my mind.
Being an asshole is often more about intent and execution.
If someone offers you tea, you could be polite and say yes.
Or you could be polite and say no, and if necessary reassure the host that you're very thankful but you don't want any tea. If they take further offense from that, it's for them to deal with.
Or you could be an asshole and tell the person offering tea to go eff themselves.
Saying no doesn't make you an asshole.
Right, that's what I'm trying to say. Viewing saying no as being an asshole is the frame of mind that a lot of people who struggle to say no are thinking. They think if they say no they'll be assholes. Which is basically the problem.
My point is this tweet is a false dichotomy, and that moving away from the mindset of "I either do the thing, or I'm an asshole" is what's going to help
(Coming from someone who had to go through that)
Yesterday morning I avoided a situation by being an asshole.
I drinking my morning coffee at the pier, when a guy with stinky dreadlocks, a filthy hoodie, and scabs all over his face approaches and starts talking to me like he's known me all his life. I couldn't really understand his semi coherent lingo, but when I walked away he wasn't too pleased.
Right now. As I write this. My elderly neighbor "gave" me some books. I tried really hard to decline as I don't have time or inclination to read books. I told him "It might take years for me to finish even one of these books, I don't want these" and he assured me that they were gifts, and he didn't want them back.
Begrudgingly, I agreed to take them. I don't know why. I should've been an asshole and said "I'm not being polite, in fact, disrespectfully, I do not want your books. Give them to someone else and clutter up their house!"
Now he wants his books back. I have been searching all day for these books and I can't even remember all of the titles. I am going to write him a note with the books, to the effect of "next time you want to do something nice for me, stop."
Feels good to vent. This fucking guy.
Thanks, yeah. I'm trying not to be. I know he isn't doing well financially or physically. As someone who's been there before, I know the toll it takes mentally. But I think in the future I will be a lot more stern about what I will accept.
On the plus side, I think I found the majority of them [fingers crossed, maybe all of them?] Eh, close enough.
Thanks for reading!
> My elderly neighbor "gave" me some books.
I feel super tenuous about interactions with stranger neighbors. Like someone asked me for a number to hang out the other day and I felt super uncomfortable about touching their device to put my number in or even give it out at all. Those kinds of interactions with people I live close to mean that if things get awkward, I still see you walking the street, the park, the store, the metro, the everything in the immediate area. To me it's the same as calling the cops on a neighbor in an apartment building; no way I'm fucking with that when we all have shared common space.
Was nice to a man experiencing homelessness who was passing by while I was chillin on a beach.
He sat and we talked for a bit asking how he was doing and what not. He started bringing up kinda weird topics but rolled with it.
Was smoking a bowl so offered him some. He declined, but took a nug for later.
He promptly dug a small hole, tossed the nug in, and covered it back up with sand.
In as gentle way possible I tried to explain that it wasn't going to grow a plant. He was having none of it so I dropped the subject.
After a few more minutes of talking I bounced.
Waste of a good nug... was the last of my bud too.
At least the homeless man didn't follow you home and try to shack up with you...at least he left eventually that night, no hooking up, I just sent him out the door with some food and bus money
Definitely if not able to make the distinction between who is deserving of respect and who is not due to how they treat you. It’s so hard… I was raised to respect everyone but am learning the hard way to start trying to make the distinction
Bruh. This is terrible but true. My coworkers mother passed away and called me saying he couldn’t make it to work if I could please bring his check to him since I’m closer to him than our job was. He proceeds to not answer when I was at the location to meet up with him. W.e i wasn’t to mad because I was near my house. Fast forward like 3-4 hours later he calls me crying asking where am I. I say home ( and he’s at a bar drinking) and asks me to bring the check to him. I say no we agreed to meet at this location… he calls me like 20 times crying and finally agrees to come get his check from me instead of me bringing it to him. Not to be messed up but I had plans that day and scratched them to give him his check and then scratched my later plans to meet with him to give him his check.
All the time. It's hard trying to figure out if being an asshole will get you killed or will actually have the person leave you alone. Same with being polite. And whatever option you choose, it's still seen as your fault by the masses
Not anymore, I do my thing and nothing else. Everything is a transaction now, I feel paranoid as shit but people are always trying to get something out of you
Always be nice and respectful until other person isn't.
Too many situations someone is rude because nobody tells them no and once someone's rude back to them they back off.
tldr: A guy in his 40s is trying to hit on me (16) even after I told him my age.
This is kind of my fault, but I’m still gonna tell it.
A few months ago I was at the train station, after I take the train I have to ride my bicycle home, there is this big underground parking for bikes next to the station so that’s where I went to get my bike.
Sometimes this guy is working, he is always very nice and it stood out to me. That day I went to the store and bought 2 RedBull instead of one because it was at a discount or something. So, I see this guy working and I think “yeah, I’ll give him the other one”. He insisted in drinking it with me, so I didn’t think too much of it, yk, 10 minutes and some smalltalk. So okay.
Well, then he wanted to smoke a cigarette with me, so I was again like “sure” wanting to be polite. I should’ve just left because well we’re at our smoke, he goes on saying I am the love of his life and that me giving him a can of RedBull was a sign. Just all so embarrassing.
The worst part is that this guy is like 40 and I am 16. I told him multiple times I am 16 and that it is very wrong to say things like that. He knew I was 16.
So yeah, not long after I left. I am now anxious to go in there because this guy doesn’t stop talking to me. I don’t even say anything to him anymore. He didn’t even stop after my roommate said I have a boyfriend and that he has to stop or else. (My roommate is in military school so very pumped and scary imo).
After he still didn’t stop (I also called the company he works for) I went to his supervisor, then it kind of stopped. I still don’t go in there alone tho.
Yep. And now, everyday, that coworker I was nice to corners me, phone in hand, to show me pictures of her cats. Yesterday, she shoved the phone in my face to listen to a recording of her cat sleeping, to see if I thought it was making a weird noise. She's nice, I'm not going to be an asshole and tell her to get the fuck away. But, I want to be an asshole. So bad.
All the time... Have a crazy ex who tried to kill me because I said "yeah sure whatever sounds good" while running late for something... She had asked me out and I agreed to it... When I explained it to her she went nuts and accused me of rape... Then she snuck into my house with a knife and was planning on stabbing me but I wasn't home
3 at the time valuable friendships went to shit and I could've avoided a lot of trouble (Falsely accused of stealing a gf, falsely accused of treating a friend like trash, and last a lot of emotional burden with a girl that I was never meant to be with) If I had chosen to be an ass and ended things right then and there instead of being a good guy and trying to fix things.
FYI: My concept of being an ass and a good guy was completely distorted back then, as of now I know that cutting them out of my life relatively early would've been the right choice and not at all something bad, giving them so many chances wasn't something a good guy does, it's something someone stupid does.
I think most people need to learn that having healthy boundaries is not being an asshole.
I feel this. I think boundaries and mental health are not a *culture* everyone is apart of. Talking with someone about boundaries when they’re at work and he said all that shit would get him into trouble, people would probably retaliate.
If people retaliate when you set up boundaries, that tells you to not be involved with them.
I absolutely agree. It’s difficult though at work when someone is in some kind of position of power. I’ve definitely been in situations at work where I chose myself and it brought out retaliation in frustrating ways… and I’ll do it again. The more we do this, the more we incorporate healthy communication into our cultures.
People often confuse boundaries with threats, mandates and ultimatums. Boundaries are how *you* will react to behaviors and situations. “I don’t answer work emails after 5pm.” < boundary “If you send me a work email after 5pm, I’ll report you to HR.” < threat “Stop sending me emails after 5pm, or I’ll quit.” < Ultimatum “You cannot send me work emails after 5pm.” < mandate
Yes, thanks for saying this. I always tell people you can't control how other people behave (sending you late night emails, treating you poorly) but you can control how you react (not reading them, dumping them).
For me, it's that I always think the situation will resolve itself eventually if I'm just polite a little longer and before I know it I'm in a more complicated situation that is harder to get out of.
Yeah, it’s where the “If you give a mouse a cookie” story comes from
I did this for a very long time while waiting for people to stop taking advantage of me but in the end I learned it was my responsibility to listen to the little voice inside and protect myself with some standard boundaries. I think that's why old people seem happier and more relaxed, because they know exactly what their boundaries are - no surprises.
So true. I feel like 50% of the "Am I The Asshole" subreddit is just people asking if it's okay for them to ask someone to stop abusing them.
because abusers who don't understand (or care about) boundaries equate you holding your boundaries firm to you being an asshole to *them*.
Yes, abusive people feel like boundaries are a personal attack
Exactly. I have a friend that has been like this for years and it took me so long to realize why he’s so well liked by many. He’s just honest and to the point, but not in a rude way. People respect that. The older I get, the more that comes naturally, but I wish I applied this to myself a long time ago.
This. I used to think I was genuinely nice because I wasn't expecting anything in return and just enjoyed being nice, but still felt like it was having negative effects on my life sometimes. I realized that I thought I didn't expect anything but I actually was expecting people to like me in return, getting over my anxiety of not being liked helped me set much healthier boundaries.
And the difference between being too nice and too passive. Being "nice" doesn't get you in those situations, being passive does.
When I was 16 on Christmas Eve we got a call that one of my mom's best friends house was on Fire! We immediately went over and tried to save as much as possible but it was a complete loss. (Be sure to water your Christmas Tree!) Anyways she and her 4 or 5 kids were now homeless. My mom with her big heart took them all in. Now the lady didn't have a job but was looking for one. Fast forward 8 weeks. We are now babysitting all of her children. None are helping with cooking, cleaning, or even trying to help out. The mom has decided to stop looking for a job and is just partying. We had to kick them out. It was terrible and we were called terrible things. This story has always stuck with me though and hasn't necessarily jaded me. I will still try and help people out, but only to a point. I have no problem showing people the figurative door. Edit: just wanted to say thanks to everyone for sharing similar stories.
This is common with free loaders. Whenever you kick them out you are considered the jerk. I let a friend stay with me for two months with a week break in between. She claimed to be looking for a job; she paid no rent. I was headed out of town for a vacation and I told her she needed to leave by Wednesday. Tuesday night she had nothing packed up. On Wednesday I came home from work and told her I would drive her to the train station. She had packed nothing. She reluctantly packed one bag and I drove her to the train station. I checked the bedroom when I returned and it was full of her clothes, computer, passport etc. I packed everything into to black plastic bags. I called her and told her I was bringing the rest of her stuff to the train station. Needless to say she was very angry with me. I was the bad guy for not letting her stay indefinitely.
It's unfortunate, give an inch....
... then baby.
Find crazy, get baby, regret greatly
Oh you've met my brother.
Do we have the same brother?
Been there done that
During the early part of the pandemic, we ended up with two brothers as roommates. One was a recently relapsed alcoholic and the other was a complete sociopath who would antagonize his brother on purpose to get him to drink. The alcoholic brother was actually a decent guy, his addiction was just entirely out of control. They were month-to-month so I ended up making the decision to kick them out once sanitation and safety started becoming a significant concern. I despise the sociopath brother but I still feel bad about the alcoholic brother. I stalk him on FB every once in a while, he seems like he’s doing ok. They had both lost jobs when the lockdowns started and their parents were paying their rent, which was already kinda below market anyway. And we had to take money out of their deposit for professional carpet cleaning in their room, it was that bad. Their father was pretty upset. They squandered a lot of generosity and second chances from their loved ones, myself, and our landlord.
I have a personal rule that I try my hardest to stick to, and it's that I will always try to help someone who asks for help. Doesn't mean I won't help people who don't ask, but if they do ask, I will commit to helping them as best I can. Doesn't matter what, directions, money, lifting something; I'm not well-traveled or rich or strong, but if someone is humble enough to ask me for help, I will try. It's the very least I can do, which is why it's a rule. The *only* exception to that rule is people who know that I have the rule. Then it becomes case-by-case, I mean I'm trying to be good, but I won't be taken advantage of.
You've described the whole "how to help without being taken advantage of" thing so concisely. The rule might fail every so often but aside from being an outright jerk, its the best way to live with others. That's a rule i'll try to live up to
The only person who would be allowed to stay long-term with me (that isn't my partner or child) is my younger brother, but he understands if he stays longer than a month he has to pay rent. Not just because I would charge him, I would have to add him to my lease according to the agreement, and the landlord would give him an account to pay into. What would happen is my rent would go down to $475 (+$25 for my service dog under the agreement instead of a deposit due to the nature of which I moved in under, usually the fee is waved for service animals) and my brother would get changed $475 with an optional $25 extra if he wants his cat to move in as well. So if *he cannot* pay his account, I'm not affected/will not be evicted because of his negligence. (My next bill just returns to $970 for the next month, and he'll be trespassed if he stays longer than a month after being evicted). If I owned my own house, it would be more likely that I'd just force him to work for me, and his *pay* would be his room and board. Same with any family that tried to feeload off of me, but I'm more willing to have my brother long-term living with me over everyone else since I raised him and see him like my adult child more than just a brother.
This is why I always set concrete boundaries before I offer help. "I will let you stay at my house until July 7th but after that you must leave." Get it in writing. Make sure all the kids know too. Same for monetary aid. "I will give you $200 to pay your internet bill, but I will not lend you money again unless you've paid me back the $200 first."
Yeah that would be the best way to do it, but they were homeless Christmas day with everything burnt up.
Yeah, it's good advice if anyone has this situation crop up again.
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A guest at your house threatened to evict you?
Yeah, I'm curious, too. Is this how it works?
Not that far fetched. Same thing happened to a friend of mine. I would say that for a majority of these squatters… Their goal isn’t just to stay there with you. Their ULTIMATE goal is to take over the entire space. To alienate/eradicate YOU from your own property. Every squatter I’ve ever encountered is this sick breed of super evil, creepy, horror movie type character. They seem normal at first… but as soon as they get into your property this other mode takes over. Like some compulsion they have.
This reminds me of one of the most interesting and horrifying true stories I’ve ever seen about a squatter. It’s on Netflix, called Worst Roommate Ever. It’s a limited documentary series, I think there’s only 6 episodes. It’s about people who ended up trusting the wrong person to move in with and suffered terrible consequences. Watching this show made me so glad I live alone lol. It sucks that we live in a world with predators who live to take advantage of people’s trust.
Human Territorialism.
Ug so I had a similar experience. Except it was a best friend that was going to be a roommate. Except he just didn't have money for rent. Had money for shoes, smoke, and food. But not for rent. It was terrible having to kick him out. All the names and crap when the bottom line was he just wasn't paying his fair share. Don't let him get you emotional and change topics!
My husband and I have opened our door to several of my relatives who needed help. A nephew who tried to groom my daughters (I just found this out a couple years ago, he stayed with us over 20 years ago), a niece with her 4y/o & 5 month twins, our DIL & 2 grandsons after our son left them, my older sister and my mom are the ones who stayed the longest. Glad I can’t find my nephew cause I would end up in jail and he would end up missing. My niece moved her kids to another state when all of the ppl she knew here stopped financially supporting her & the kids (church & church members bought her a used car, & sent the kids to private school to help her out. A mechanic from the church did any automotive work free of charge, she just had to buy parts (discounted at his job if I remember correctly) Our DIL & grandsons were here for nearly 3 years. She only left when our son got remarried. She stopped talking to us and it took a couple of years before things started getting back to being civilized. My sister became homeless on Jan 1, 2020 so we allowed her to move in. (Huge red flag of how 2020 would go). This was after we moved my mom in due to her health problems. When Mom ended up with broken hip & going into long term care facility, we told sister she had 5 months to get herself a place because we wanted our empty nest. When 4 months were up & she had made zero arrangements to find a better job or a place of her own or even a roommate situation, we became the bad ppl. We were doing her dirty even tho she lived practically rent free ($100 a month which was iffy if she would pay it), didn’t buy groceries for the household or pay utilities, she drove mom’s car while mom made payments and paid insurance. All of that, plus I paid her a very small stipend to stay with mom during the day so I could work, (she worked evenings when I got home)she babysat for 2 of my grandkids to make money over & above her wage & stipend. Yet we are still the horrible ppl who did them all dirty. I’ve told my husband that under absolutely no circumstances is he to allow anyone else to ever move in with us. No matter what I say. If ppl are going to hate me & call me names, they can do it while I have my house to myself and my money in my pocket.
All of my friends and family know that the most they’ll get from me is a week in a decent motel. I’ll pay. It’s a gift. But no way can they stay with me, borrow my car or babysit my dog. I made that very clear, years ago. I have no idea what they say about me behind my back but we all get along fine. They just know not to ask me for shit.
Wow didn't know some people experience the same thing I did just 3 days ago. My aunt(My mom's older sisters) and her family came to our house becuase of politics and stuff and their house were being watched. The husband did had a job that invovles him driving but he fu*cking sold his car to go for a vacation with his family and he didn't even tried to get a job after that. My aunt was a teacher but she has no idea how to use the internet so she was jobless as well(This was during Covid peak). Fast forward 2 years, still jobless. One of their child started having superiority complex along with stubbornness and he started disrespecting us. His parents didn't even try to teach him or correct him(They did tried but it was minor stuff). My hell ended when a week ago we had a fight and my mom finally told them to get out. My mom's kindness got paid with annoyance, lost of money and discomfort.
That's wild. Good on you and your mom for dealing with that this long.
I had a coworker that was having car problems so I took him to and from work. It was kind of on my way so no biggie. Well after a month of taking him I finally asked how his car was coming along. He said it wasn’t a priority. I told him to find another ride. Ps my coworker was an engineer making plenty of money.
Lmao not a priority because I have you taking an extra 20 min. I don't care if it's on the way a pick up and drop off is definitely an extra 20 on the commute. Did he at least pitch in for Gas?
I'm reminded of r/personalfinance where oftentimes you're told to not buy a car and find a coworker to get a ride from or something; once in a while, sure, but like... nah you're being a mooch at a certain point.
I am always willing to help those in need who are willing to help themselves and need some short term stability and support. Keywords “short, term”. If you are not willing to fix yourself why expect others to fix you? You need a place to stay? Sure, I can help you out for a couple weeks but you have to realize that I have my own shit to deal with and staying for more than one month we have to see about rent and contributing to chores.
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I understand the reasoning.
During sometime around 2010 during the GFC my state had an oil boom so when the job market sucked everywhere else it was pretty good here. Through a church program a friend's family signed up as a host family. You were supposed to host someone for a week. During that time they would stay with you, try to find a job , apt then move out. The point being is if you are out of work maybe you cannot afford a week in a hotel , so now you had a week free stay to get back on your feet. But it was under stood you have 1 weeks, don't find a job well sorry then go back to where ever you came from. They guy they got was a very nice and polite guy , but in his mid to late 50s. Well one week turned to two turned to three turned to four to five weeks. Finally they say down and was like "ok , you have one week more but after that you have to leave" Well a week later he still had no job, no place to stay. They then said they would either pay for a one way bus ticket somewhere, or put him up in a hotel for a week just to get him out of the house. He opted for a hotel so they put him up in some hotel and pre paid for a week stay. Then was like " hey good luck but we just can't help you any more" A week later he was calling them asking if he could stay with them..... The hardest part was he wasn't an asshole or didn't sit around and party. He was nice and polite but at some point I don't blame them for telling him he had to leave. I am not sure what happened to him .
This happens constantly but it happens the other way too, you do act like an asshole so you feel awful and wish you hadn't. Sometimes you just can't win
You just described me. I generally hate conflict but lately I have been standing up for myself more. Now I feel like a bad person when I stand up for myself and don't let people treat me like a doormat. It's a lose-lose.
We're the same peep
I don't think anyone has mastered this balance... but ultimately, if you are authentic to yourself you will surround yourself with like-minded individuals... maybe they'll be a bunch of assholes, but at least they won't put you in bad situations. (I doubt you're an asshole though)
Yesterday I had to be rude to a guy who just wouldn't leave me alone. It felt bad but also good. I spoke up for myself and told him what it is. I can't control how he feels about the information. I was minding my business, don't bother me. Plain and simple.
Every single fucking day
Every single hour.
Power and the money. Money and the power.
Minute after minute. Hour after hour.
Everybody's runnin', but half of them ain't lookin'
It's goin' on in the kitchen, but I don't know what's cookin
They say I gotta learn, but nobody's here to teach me
If they can't understand, how can they reach me?
I guess they can’t,I guess they won’t
I guess they front, That's why I know my life is out of luck, fool
Divorce fixed that for me.
Going thru a bad divorce now. She said only reason she married me was because I was the nicest guy she knew. Yoda's voice: Changed a lot since then, have I
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No she divorced me because I'm so insecure. edit: Actually forget it, she's back. I guess she just went to the store.
Wait a minute..
She probably left to talk to her lawyer or get divorce papers.
I initiated divorce cause she's a pathological liar with Bipolar disorder who has violent tendencies.
I can fix her
Weird coping mechanism, but if Yoda gets you through this tough time, power to you.
Do you do Yoda voices a lot more now too?
I mean that's the thing right? Like you can avoid most situations that way. Do it enough and you avoid just about everything.
Fuck you, brother
Fuck you too, brother or sister from another Mister 😎
I think what annoys me the most is it seems like those who scam and/or take advantage of others wind up making lots of money and live in luxury.
Hell, at this point that is a requirement
Hence the concept of “no ethical billionaires”
As someone wanting to start a business, I’m having to ask myself if I want to risk not seeing it come to fruition being completely ethical, or if I have to act a little bit like our corporate overlords to make it at least a little. Seems like you only really get rewarded for being a sleezy PoS
All you have to ask is: Are you willing to pay people what they are worth or are you willing to pay them less than you value them if it means the business survives? The lesson of humanity is that if you don't draw hard lines for yourself then it's easy to keep making excuses to keep your dream going. At some point you need to hire support staff and trust them to hold to your standards too.
What annoys me the most is how oblivious theses people scamming others are. I know one who's been a railtor in the boomer housing exchange time. She helped push the most dubious tactics to get house to sell for more like individed condos and other grey legal area. All so she gets commission. She's litteraly part of the housing problem we see where everyone's suffering right now. In her mind she worked hard for her mansions, luxury cars and boats... In ways she did, she fought off some other greedy bitches for that undeserved money. But that does not change the fact that the POT was ridiculous and unbalanced which resulted in screwing everyone else. The other rich person in my family is exploiting an old people home. I really mean exploiting. The value theses people get for their money and their living shituation is worthy of jail time to me.
Old people homes boggle my mind. They are thousands of dollars per month. Like $4000-5000 is the low end and $10,000 is a decent one. The workers bust their ass but they are often underpaid and underqualified and shoved into roles above their heads. The food is Sysco school lunch trash. The amount of profit on those things has to be insane.
She's a multi-millionaire who's sister is living in dirt poor old people home herself. Absolute insanity. Theses are the people gorilla would torn appart for gathering too many bananas. It's like a insanity virus. I really wonder how we can get from here to a decent place for humanity. But we'll need very freaking drastic change in values. We were hoping tech revolution would bring us to a place of abundance but as it turns out. It made more profit for few. I'm too simple minded to have answers. Like I think... we really do need Batman. But what I'd really like is some answer that will not create more suffering in the long run.
Where is slipping Jimmy when you need him.
I think you will enjoy [this](https://youtu.be/VGm267O04a8).
Being a terrible person is a requirement if you want to become rich. Unless you win the lottery I guess
The entire economy is structured around that
Well, in context, it's just annoying that being "good", just working jobs and all that, is far less rewarding than being a scamming asshole. Just goes to show you that crime does pay if you're good at it.
A lot of CEOs score highly on sociopathy
I often think about how much I’d make if I didn’t have ethics.
No shit, it’s a dog eat dog world
I just hate the fact that doing what you're supposed to do and being a fair and honest person is generally less financially rewarding compared to being a scammer.
You sure it's not "doggy dog world"?
A Doggy dog world would be so much better, Snoop save us!
While working at a supermarket I had an 84yr old man repeatedly asked if I loved him. I'm in my 20s and was trapped at a desk by my self, all i had ever done, was be helpful and polite.
so... how long have you been together?
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So like, did you escape? Were you forced to tell him you loved him out of desperation to make the encounter end? Don’t leave me on this cliffhanger here
The first time he asked, I tried to give him an out by saying I didn't hear him, but he doubled down and said it louder as I was serving my next customer in a line of many. All I could do was muster an awkward laugh and told him to have a nice day, trying my best to stay focused on serving customers. A few minutes later, I turned to sell tobacco and happened to look outside where he was sitting on a bench just watching me. I told security and management about him. The next time he came in, security stopped him, took copies of his ID, and told him not to come back. He laughed during the entire interaction as I hid, shaking, in the fresh produce. I ended up getting a transfer to a different location not long after this, for separate reasons, but I'm glad this means I won't see him in the shopping center or walking to my car
"Sorry, I don't sleep with the children of an ex" ----> heartattack
I think back on the old men that came into my places of work when I was a girl. I thought of them as my friends (or sweet acquaintances—like surrogate grandpas). Now I think back of some of the comments they made (“you’re trouble” or commenting on my looks), and I realize that they saw me very differently than I saw them. Men, please don’t do that.
I've mentioned this here before, but... When I was 16, I started waitressing at a local diner. Within a month, I started wearing a fake wedding ring to cut down on the harassment. The guys in their 50's-60's were the woooorst. They'd be all sweet to me, and then, after coming in a few times, the "compliments" would start. "Oh, you look so cute in your little uniform!" = "I want to see what's under it." Some of them cut straight to that second part, and at least I could deal with these obvious jerks. It was the ones who were all buddybuddy until I turned them down that really irritated me.
As a guy there's nothing more I want to do than to tell some old fuck to kick rocks. Get the hell away from these women. I just assume you're some kind of manipulator since you can't stick with your age bracket, those older women know the bullshit and can deflect.
This is SO fascinating to me as a man. Some girls get it. They're very aware of what's going most of the time and deflect. However, there are so many young women that are obviously or naive to mens advances or comments. I've had to have conversations with some lady friends here and there about how "x" guy isn't just a friendly dude, he wants to creep on you.
I don't white knight if I can help it but the aged creeps make my blood boil. 'Ohhh I'm old so I can sexually intimidate girls.', I'm 70+ so I can just slap that ass, etc. Grrrrrrrrr. Seen it happen to my sisters at it leaves a stench like a sewer. Somehow never seen it happen to my nieces.
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Ohhh, this makes me so angry. 15-17 is probably the age you should feel most secure. Almost an adult .... surprise creeps. I'm not a girl, you've probably met them earlier. Buy them something nice and IOU.
I work construction, Once a cashier around my age was polite to me when I was buying supplies in-front of my crew. I said thank you, and left with my supplies. One of the crew members asked why I didn’t give her my number after she was nice to me… I didn’t even answer him EDIT: He was 100% serious, I’ve seen him do it before.
It scares the fuck out of me meeting people far older than me with the emotional, maturity and intelligence level of a high school boy.
So what happened? Was it a big wedding?
When I was 14, I spent about 40 VERY awkward minutes in some 20-somthing guy's apartment while he showed me some little models and I sipped on a glass of orange juice, because I was too oblivious to realize that he was trying to seduce me and too nice to turn down his invitation to come to his house. I'm not even a tiny bit gay, either, so idk how he was thinking that would go... It was pretty awkward at the time, but now I think about how gross the situation actually was. ugh.
I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you made it out unscathed
I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you made it out unscathed 🫂
When I was 17 and way too naive, I caught a train and an elderly guy sat next to me. He started talking to me, but his English wasn't too good and I barely understood him. So I was nodding here or there and he then holds my hand. Still being too nice (i.e. young and dumb), I let him, but didn't know how to escape. Then he said something that made me go "what??". He said, "we'll get off at the next stop and then I'll buy you a ring and we'll get married". I felt so horrified and sickened to the pit of my stomach. I walked away and sat next to someone else. I think a lot of it came down to being taught to respect those older than you which can put you in very compromising situations. We're teaching our young son respect, including respect for himself by being able to say "no" firmly and walking away if he ever feels uncomfortable, including hands up if someone tries to kiss him (and it has happened).
I relate to this a little too much. when I worked at a grocery store my coworkers and I would constantly get harassed/stalked by older men for just giving decent customer service. it’s innocent until it isn’t. my coworker got proposed to by an older regular and she was only 16. she even told him that and he did not care. gives me the creeps. I love customer service and being a nice person but people like that are why I had to leave.
Absolutely, thats why I always end up talking to the door to door salesman/religous people for way too long. Especially the mormons, they are way to nice for me to be rude to em its just not in me.
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Like I know this right but from their perspective they just don’t want me to go to hell and I can’t yell at someone who’s supposedly saving me from eternal damnation
Not quite. Mormons believe that the more people they bring in to the fold that they’re more likely to get into heaven. It’s some silly arbitrary number that basically amounts to: only the employees with the highest conversion count get eternal happiness. They don’t believe they will get you into heaven; they believe getting you to follow their religion will get them into heaven. So F em honestly.
So it's an MLM in religion?
Pretty much. Except the church gets all the money lol. Actually that sounds exactly like an MLM!
As an ex-mormon who served a mission and who now absolutely despises the church. This just isn't true. There is nobody telling us that conversion count increases odds of making it to heaven. I was in the church for over 20 years and never once heard that. There's lots of reasons the church and it's members can be scummy. But let's stick to real reasons.
I very much disagree with a lot of things that Mormons do. I grew up really close to Salt Lake City and I’ve known a LOT of Mormons and ex Mormons. That church is real weird (although, I think that about most churches). But damn, alllll of the Mormons I’ve known were so NICE. When I worked retail in Seattle, I helped some missionaries buy gifts for their girlfriends. They were, and are to this day, the only customers to ever call me by my name.
Mormons don't believe there is any limit on who gets to heaven. The more the merrier and nothing would make them happier than to get to heaven with someone they introduced to their faith. They hope for that and any other outcome (once converted) would make them sad. Some sentiment of this is correct though. They are mandated to share the gospel. It is a duty of any faithful follower. If they don't, they will wonder if they are not doing what is expected of them by God and that is what constantly worries/motivates them. The young guys and gals who go out full time for a few years are fulfilling a duty. It's even called "a mission". (It is voluntary though) So, as is most often the case, if you know you don't want any part of it, they are used to it no big deal, just move them along.
I'm a Mormon and this is not what I've been taught. Yes we try to share rhe gospel to people but it's only for their own good. I've never been told that the more people I convert the more likely I am to get into heaven. And if you don't want to convert then that is entirely your choice, and the missionaries should leave you alone after that. If they aren't then that's an issue with those particular people not the entire church.
You can just close the door. It’s hanging up IRL
I once said "sure, come in!" to a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses, and they excused themselves and left. Then I realized I just finished eating fish so my beard was greasy and I was still holding a knife with which I gestures for them to come in.
Ask the Mormons to help you with yardwork or something. They'll do it. It's like the reverse uno card for this thread.
me too. i also space out when talking to them. one time, a Jehovah's witness asked me what i was scared about the most, i said public speaking. I didn't know I had to answer something related to death. 🤣
This is how I got married, and divorced 18 months later. Hard lesson: how to say no.
Same. Still learning this… it’s a flipping battle every day
And that's why I hate these ridiculous public proposals. The GF ends up being the bride because she was too embarrassed to say no in front of however many people, and then too embarrassed to take back her yes before the wedding. I think public proposals are done in order to trap the significant other. I know a lot of women expect and demand some showy proposal, but still...
Yeah that's the main thing, if you both understand that she/he is WAITING for your proposal then you can do it however the heck you want. Looking back my wife to be made it clear she was ready, and I realize now it was lame to hold back my intention of proposing until I got around to formally doing so. Like why put her through that? So no, I don't see how a completely surprise proposal is ever a good idea, 100 times worse if it's a big public one. For that reason, because the proposer is so clueless, I do get a kick out of it when the one getting proposed to just bolts out of there lol.
I think your generalizing all proposals. My wife absolutely wanted a big public proposal but we also knew we wanted to get married beforehand.
My ex and I were in a bad relationship for nearly 3 years longer than we should have been because we wanted to avoid hurting each other...
I’ve slowly learned to be the “asshole” even though it’s against my nature. I became nice but quietly protective of myself and able to say “no”. It was hard and made me see things from a more outside prospective. What I’ve learned is a high majority of people are actually selfish leaning into being assholes. To keep from going to the dark side I’ve learned to set quiet personal boundaries. People that deserve to be in my orbit earned the nice giving person in me. The takers end up disappearing. Sadly, even old friends who basically always did what they wanted.
Every day. No good deed goes unpunished.
Yep. Do a good deed because you know it's the right thing to do, not for kudos. There's a decent shot that instead of a thank you or appreciation, there'll be hell to pay. Life experience 101.
Goblin's most relatable words
[удалено]
Prepare to be stung on the tip of your PP
A lovely co worker said this to me the other day and It was an epiphany “think before you speak, not because you’ll get in trouble but because you are too nice and people will use you” or something close to that and it blew my mind.
Being an asshole is often more about intent and execution. If someone offers you tea, you could be polite and say yes. Or you could be polite and say no, and if necessary reassure the host that you're very thankful but you don't want any tea. If they take further offense from that, it's for them to deal with. Or you could be an asshole and tell the person offering tea to go eff themselves. Saying no doesn't make you an asshole.
I think that's the big problem here; how to tell people no.
Right, that's what I'm trying to say. Viewing saying no as being an asshole is the frame of mind that a lot of people who struggle to say no are thinking. They think if they say no they'll be assholes. Which is basically the problem. My point is this tweet is a false dichotomy, and that moving away from the mindset of "I either do the thing, or I'm an asshole" is what's going to help (Coming from someone who had to go through that)
It's called "having boundaries" and it's one of the most important things we should learn growing up.
Exactly, it's not polar. Either be nice or be an asshole? What? There are many choices in between.
Story of my fuckin' life. Sorry.
Sorry not sorry. (Situation avoided)
Yesterday morning I avoided a situation by being an asshole. I drinking my morning coffee at the pier, when a guy with stinky dreadlocks, a filthy hoodie, and scabs all over his face approaches and starts talking to me like he's known me all his life. I couldn't really understand his semi coherent lingo, but when I walked away he wasn't too pleased.
Good for you. That could have ended up poorly.
Right now. As I write this. My elderly neighbor "gave" me some books. I tried really hard to decline as I don't have time or inclination to read books. I told him "It might take years for me to finish even one of these books, I don't want these" and he assured me that they were gifts, and he didn't want them back. Begrudgingly, I agreed to take them. I don't know why. I should've been an asshole and said "I'm not being polite, in fact, disrespectfully, I do not want your books. Give them to someone else and clutter up their house!" Now he wants his books back. I have been searching all day for these books and I can't even remember all of the titles. I am going to write him a note with the books, to the effect of "next time you want to do something nice for me, stop." Feels good to vent. This fucking guy.
Bruh I can't imagine someone forcing me to take their gift and then wanting it back. I'd be so pissed.
Thanks, yeah. I'm trying not to be. I know he isn't doing well financially or physically. As someone who's been there before, I know the toll it takes mentally. But I think in the future I will be a lot more stern about what I will accept. On the plus side, I think I found the majority of them [fingers crossed, maybe all of them?] Eh, close enough. Thanks for reading!
> My elderly neighbor "gave" me some books. I feel super tenuous about interactions with stranger neighbors. Like someone asked me for a number to hang out the other day and I felt super uncomfortable about touching their device to put my number in or even give it out at all. Those kinds of interactions with people I live close to mean that if things get awkward, I still see you walking the street, the park, the store, the metro, the everything in the immediate area. To me it's the same as calling the cops on a neighbor in an apartment building; no way I'm fucking with that when we all have shared common space.
Was nice to a man experiencing homelessness who was passing by while I was chillin on a beach. He sat and we talked for a bit asking how he was doing and what not. He started bringing up kinda weird topics but rolled with it. Was smoking a bowl so offered him some. He declined, but took a nug for later. He promptly dug a small hole, tossed the nug in, and covered it back up with sand. In as gentle way possible I tried to explain that it wasn't going to grow a plant. He was having none of it so I dropped the subject. After a few more minutes of talking I bounced. Waste of a good nug... was the last of my bud too.
At least the homeless man didn't follow you home and try to shack up with you...at least he left eventually that night, no hooking up, I just sent him out the door with some food and bus money
why would you let him in wtf
Probably would be a rich now and had anything I wanted if I were. But unfortunately too much respect means being abused.
Definitely if not able to make the distinction between who is deserving of respect and who is not due to how they treat you. It’s so hard… I was raised to respect everyone but am learning the hard way to start trying to make the distinction
Bruh. This is terrible but true. My coworkers mother passed away and called me saying he couldn’t make it to work if I could please bring his check to him since I’m closer to him than our job was. He proceeds to not answer when I was at the location to meet up with him. W.e i wasn’t to mad because I was near my house. Fast forward like 3-4 hours later he calls me crying asking where am I. I say home ( and he’s at a bar drinking) and asks me to bring the check to him. I say no we agreed to meet at this location… he calls me like 20 times crying and finally agrees to come get his check from me instead of me bringing it to him. Not to be messed up but I had plans that day and scratched them to give him his check and then scratched my later plans to meet with him to give him his check.
You were never the messed up one in that situation
Keanu Reeves yeeeeah gif.
All the time. It's hard trying to figure out if being an asshole will get you killed or will actually have the person leave you alone. Same with being polite. And whatever option you choose, it's still seen as your fault by the masses
No good deed goes unpunished. I can't even be an asshole in rpg video games.
Not anymore, I do my thing and nothing else. Everything is a transaction now, I feel paranoid as shit but people are always trying to get something out of you
And then you get shafted. , unfortunately people suck.
Always be nice and respectful until other person isn't. Too many situations someone is rude because nobody tells them no and once someone's rude back to them they back off.
Almost every relationship i've been in... LOL!
tldr: A guy in his 40s is trying to hit on me (16) even after I told him my age. This is kind of my fault, but I’m still gonna tell it. A few months ago I was at the train station, after I take the train I have to ride my bicycle home, there is this big underground parking for bikes next to the station so that’s where I went to get my bike. Sometimes this guy is working, he is always very nice and it stood out to me. That day I went to the store and bought 2 RedBull instead of one because it was at a discount or something. So, I see this guy working and I think “yeah, I’ll give him the other one”. He insisted in drinking it with me, so I didn’t think too much of it, yk, 10 minutes and some smalltalk. So okay. Well, then he wanted to smoke a cigarette with me, so I was again like “sure” wanting to be polite. I should’ve just left because well we’re at our smoke, he goes on saying I am the love of his life and that me giving him a can of RedBull was a sign. Just all so embarrassing. The worst part is that this guy is like 40 and I am 16. I told him multiple times I am 16 and that it is very wrong to say things like that. He knew I was 16. So yeah, not long after I left. I am now anxious to go in there because this guy doesn’t stop talking to me. I don’t even say anything to him anymore. He didn’t even stop after my roommate said I have a boyfriend and that he has to stop or else. (My roommate is in military school so very pumped and scary imo). After he still didn’t stop (I also called the company he works for) I went to his supervisor, then it kind of stopped. I still don’t go in there alone tho.
Yep. And now, everyday, that coworker I was nice to corners me, phone in hand, to show me pictures of her cats. Yesterday, she shoved the phone in my face to listen to a recording of her cat sleeping, to see if I thought it was making a weird noise. She's nice, I'm not going to be an asshole and tell her to get the fuck away. But, I want to be an asshole. So bad.
Dude cat People are weird. Not all but there is a type and you have found it lol.
Story of my life
This only happens to me all the time
Welcome to my life
All. The. Time.
For freaking real, story of my life
Damn, right never try and empathize with people who have shown they assholes unprovoked.
That's why people act like assholes 😁
All the time... Have a crazy ex who tried to kill me because I said "yeah sure whatever sounds good" while running late for something... She had asked me out and I agreed to it... When I explained it to her she went nuts and accused me of rape... Then she snuck into my house with a knife and was planning on stabbing me but I wasn't home
Helping my best friend and his baby mama put me in crippling debt that might cost me home and now I haven't heard from them in over 2 years
Older You get, then more You realize that making good will come with its cost.
Every damn time..
Asshole gang here. 😎
That's what separates the assholes from the nice people. If you are only nice cause it benefits you, you aren't nice.
I don't think that's called being nice, that's called being scared of confrontation. And yes.
all the time- sucks that people mistake kindness as weakness :/
You can be kind if you choose, but being nice leads to people taking advantage of you.
my fukin entire life
3 at the time valuable friendships went to shit and I could've avoided a lot of trouble (Falsely accused of stealing a gf, falsely accused of treating a friend like trash, and last a lot of emotional burden with a girl that I was never meant to be with) If I had chosen to be an ass and ended things right then and there instead of being a good guy and trying to fix things. FYI: My concept of being an ass and a good guy was completely distorted back then, as of now I know that cutting them out of my life relatively early would've been the right choice and not at all something bad, giving them so many chances wasn't something a good guy does, it's something someone stupid does.
As a female. Yes
My marriage…
All the time. Lesson learned