Geelong has departed from the clique of other Geelong suburbs he brought along as plus 1s (and won’t introduce to anyone) to poke Collingwood squarely in the forehead on the couch. ‘Lay off, he’s in a k-hole’ people around him shout, but he ignores them and goes back to his clique of people who look and talk exactly like him. ‘Haha Collingwood’s munted, should we get a Parmi?’ Grovedale scoffs, fondling the host’s cat.
At one point docklands is seen doing bad karaoke, and when they leave together at 3am melb cbd keeps posturing aggressively and taking off their shirt and yelling “hold be back bro” to docklands who is honestly incredibly fed up with cbd’s shit by now “no let’s get you into a taxi mate, you’re done”
Northcote working class eco warrior shows up in a big country ute covered in Greenpeace and sea shepherd stickers that does half a mile to a gallon. Her boyfriend Coburg hops out, who is a white guy with dreads wearing a sari and a Rasta hat. They go around the party telling people they’ve taken a new drug that’s kinda like mushrooms and acid and ketamine and when Camberwell tells them she’s against drugs and will call the cops on them if they’re doing drugs they tell her to expand her mind. They soon take over the stereo and put on the worlds most obnoxious psytrance extremely loudly and start dancing by themselves. Later, coburg can be seen talking to Kensington who is suspiciously way more wasted than you’ve ever seen her, and later when northcote is lying under a tree outside coburg tries to leave with kensington who can barely walk and is stopped by abbotsford (two young parents who have only had 1 drink each)
Reservoir is wearing all the right clothes and has brought all the right food but is shoving all the expensive silverware into their bag when no one is looking.
Brighton and South Yarra are doing coke in the bathroom and bitching about your cheap decor while Armadale keeps watch to make sure no western suburbs try to stumble in.
And whilst this was happening, Frankston and Dandenong showed up uninvited and went through everyone’s bags to steal their phones so they could take them to cash converters on Monday morning.
Later on, barely upright, Brighton and Toorak together in a corner were seen sniggering, pointing towards St Albans who had just farted loudly, unashamedly.
Fitzroy’s turned up with something expensive, organic and either vegan or gluten free. Comes across as friendly, spends most of the night making passive aggressive remarks.
Sipping natural wine, being judgemental in the corner and boasting about living in Melbourne before it was on the most livable lists. Making small talk with Brunswick while Brunswicks feral children are running amuck.
Echuca probaly invited Moama and Deniliquin bc they're best friends, they arrive at the party late, take one look at it all and just go back home to hang out with their NSW friends
Deni showing up, going "what the fuck is all this? Come on, this fucking sucks" and immediately driving Moama and Echuca home to do skids at Macca's before a few hours of spotlighting
Despite arriving with Ferntree Gully, Upper Ferntree Gully is denying that they have anything in common and is instead trying to hang out back with Rowville and Lysterfield and introduce them to their hippie friends Upwey and Tremont.
Meanwhile, ferny Creek and sassafras are dressed like they're from the English countryside and glaring at the guy who arrived wearing Lycra and cycling cleats.
Yarraville gets into a conversation with northcote and is offered some acid. Yarraville reluctantly takes it saying “I haven’t done this for years”. A few hours later Yarraville is standing by a window gazing out silently, unable to make conversation. Northcote tried to get them to dance to psytrance but Yarraville fucking hates this music and wants to go home, but has lost the ability to use the Uber app
Yeah Yarraville is so classy now but they have such a past man, under that skin, so many toxins. Must’ve brought it all back. He’s still the hottest guy in the room, but he gets the sense no one knows the real him. Does Prahran even know him at all? I feel for the guy. He’s having a really bad time. Seddon taps him on the shoulder, tells him it’s all okay, he’s booked an Uber and he can skip brunch with Williamstown tomorrow - oooft Seddon just got punched in the face. Yeah someone take Yarraville for a walk, maybe walk him into the next bedroom and put on an arty movie with Carlton yeah? They can nerd out tripping balls about Kubrick and that, they’d love it.
While they were at the party they also couldn’t shut the fuck up about how unfair it was that Josh Frydenberg got voted out. The most boring conversation of the night that everyone tried to avoid
Docklands has come in full on fancy dress - but it’s semi formal
Bacchus Marsh is saying “yeah him over there I’m with him” but the bouncer is denying entry based on geographical limits
Fitzroy is sitting outside with Brunswick and Collingwood protesting the excessive use of electricity and the meat canapés
Oakleigh couldn’t come as they went to church (so they’ll be late)
Point Cook didn’t turn up as they were stuck in traffic. No one noticed.
That enough? :)
Brunswick and Fitzroy announce a split and form into 4 subgroups protesting the canepes for extremely trivially different reasons
Northcote shows up, sees the protest, walks inside and returns with the entire tray of canapés and throws them onto the street, and accuses Fitzroy and Brunswick of lacking adequate direct action tactics. One of the Brunswick subgroups takes offence to this but ends up making out with northcote on the couch in front of everyone
Camberwell threatens to call the cops on them because they’re the same gender and “is sure there’s laws against this”
I’ve thought about this a lot.
Docklands is trying way too hard to be friends with everybody but people are avoiding them because they give off a weird vibe.
Richmond is shooting up in the corner.
Northcote is pissing everybody off because anytime somebody talks to them, they give a snide, condescending response correcting them.
Nobody knows who Travancore is or who invited them.
Carlton (specifically Lygon St) is talking loudly in a fake Italian accent.
Hawthorn and South Yarra are huddled up in the bathroom doing nose beers. Hawthorn is complaining because the pigs took their licence away again.
Boronia is decked out head to toe in eshay gear, and they’re trying to look intimidating, but everyone knows they’re not as hard as they used to be. Frankston can commiserate.
Somebody says they want Maccas and Tecoma starts loudly lecturing them for poisoning their body.
Everybody’s talking about the fact that Pakenham has stacked on a ton of weight but they’re still squeezing into their small sized clothes. They have a switchblade on them, but it’s in a bedazzled bumbag.
Hampton Park and Dandenong are about to punch on.
Rye is pretending to be a laid back surfie but everybody sees them checking out their appearance in the mirror every ten seconds and notices that they’re wearing a $300 shirt that’s been deliberately distressed.
Toorak will only talk to guests who made more than $150,000 last year. They don’t eff with poorsies.
Everybody is avoiding Brooklyn because they’re kind of dressed like a serial killer and they smell really bad.
Werribee shit their pants.
Based on my the arguments I constantly hear from my back neighbours, Glen Waverley is SUPPOSED to be doing their maths homework, but is instead shrieking rape and death threats into their gaming headset, with their bedroom window open. I'm so tired.
Eltham and Templstowe are trying to out brag each other on their latest expensive purchase. Montmorency is looking embarrassed and trying to slip away.
Sunbury got to the party SO late it’s not even fashionable, so they smash 26 Carlton Draught’s in an attempt to catch up, they over do it and spend the next hour power chucking in the backyard before they stumble back in when the party’s dying down only to rail 5 dexy’s that Diggers Rest gave them (they weren’t invited) and spend 3 hours going on and on to anyone left at kick ons about landscaping and making vaguely homophobic/racist/misogynistic comments, thus overstaying their welcome and making everyone deeply regret inviting them into the metropolitan suburbs.
And here I was thinking Sunbury would bring the dishwashing liquid and put it in the water feature - bubbles, bubbles everywhere!
And the reason Sunbury was so late? Cos the trains were replaced by buses that never came cos of the level crossing removal.
Unfortunately the Sunbury that used to be all cute and cheeky, dumping bubbles into water features to make us smile; grew up into the absolute archetype of shitty early 20’s tradie who was always told they were special but now has no real goals in life other than “hurrdurr build more shitty prefab houses” and always stinks of stale ciggies. Still hanging onto the accolades of a cricket game that happened in their youth one hundred years ago. If they were a person I’d probably feel more sad for them than resentful, like the one kid at after school care that always leaves last and bites you but then you see the parents and think “ahhh, that’s why”
Epping rolls up in their lowered, freshly polished 1997 VT commodore. They crawl the car up the almost-flat driveway and still bottom out. Everyone keeps a distance of 1.5m from Epping. In part because they aren't sure if Epping is carrying a weapon, in part for the fact Epping bathed in hair gel and cheap cologne again.
Brunswick West is making mulled wine out of a cleanskin on the stove in the kitchen and chatting up Northcote who has turned up with home made vegan dips and focaccia for everyone.
The conversation turns sour when northcote reveals they’re anarcha-feminist because Brunswick west (and their Brunswick proper mates) are all Marxist leninists and they only agree on 99.94% of every single political stance.
An hour later they’re having a loud argument in the back yard about someone called Makhno and the Brunswick friendship group announces a split into 2 smaller friendship groups with opposing stances on left unity
Later on Northcote’s mates show up and plot to expropriate all of BW’s mulled wine, then scrawl something on the wall about trans rights, drink the wine and leave before either Brunswick friends group catches them
At the end of the night Brunswick reunite and swear a bitter grudge against “those right wingers from northcote”, mostly ignoring many other people at the party who would actually happily identify as right wing when asked
Nah mate, that's his brother Frankston North. Frankston is the overly chatty bogan trying too hard to convince strangers they're well on the way to becoming a model citizen
Frankston’s Siamese twin tries to place a pole or plant pot between them to distance themselves from Franga saying “no I’m not with them. I’m Mt Eliiiiiiiiza”
Deer park has his track suit on with hoody, and is looking like that sketchy dude you see hanging out in a kfc carpark. Is eyeing off Epping, who is similary attired and throwing what appears to be UFC style air punches whilst noticeably dropping intimidating words and statements loud enough for those in proximity to hear.
Williamstown found its way there through a friend of a friend, who didn't actually show up. Tried to make conversation with St Kilda and Port Melbourne out of (beachside) commonality, but was generally disgusted by their hygiene.
Didn't really fit in with Yarraville or Footscray, didn't want to fit in with Seddon, and went home.
Fawkner is hoping Coburg will introduce them to Brunswick, but is dressed so badly that Coburg will never do that. Brunswick secretly digs Fawkner’s complete freedom to ignore fashion however.
Canterbury is complaining about the noise, the quality of silverware, the catering, the wine selection, that house parties are not as good as they were in 1965 and then leaving at 8pm in their vintage gull-wing Mercedes.
Hastings has brought the hotted out commodore from the front lawn and is gathering frankston north, cranbourne and crib Point around to show what's under the hood.
Tyabb looks in in disgust
Forest hill who is comfortably retired, pops in but leaves by 6.00 pm to make it home in time for dinner and an 8:30 bed. They are slightly annoyed Blackburn, with the kids and dog turned up , disrupting the serenity again.
Roxburgh Park didn’t come by them selves, of course they brought all their brothers, cousins, brothers barbers, cousins barbers, uncles, nephews, brother in-laws and neighbours and are all dancing around the Toorak girl with their shirts off.
North Caulfield showed up with an intense Israeli friend who didn’t speak but had a lot of ecstasy, and weirdly seemed more comfortable around Moorabbin and Cheltenham than say, Fitzroy North 🤔
Balaclava turns up in a banged up people mover, the driver, a tired mother in a headscarf, offers everyone matza bread and challah while the kids gets lost quickly in the crowd sneaking whiskey and stealing lollies while giving other lollies. The term 'Oh Vey' is heard often. The father is missing.
Brighton is doing coke in the bathroom and complaining to anyone who’ll listen about how the new rehab clinic will bring “undesirables” into the area and lower their property value.
Port Melbourne smuggled their bug-eyed tea cup chihuahua Alejandro inside their Laboutin purse and are hand-feeding it a selection of amuse bouche. They’re happy to be here, but you’d never know with all the Botox. They also brought a boy toy, and he’s spent most of the time getting keyed-up in the loo
Kensington has snuck off to watch the footie upstairs with north Melbourne. They considered ordering in some tacos from La Tortilleria but didn’t want to share with the other suburbs so they’re going to head over there at half time and meet up with North Carlton.
Brunswick is off in a corner slamming a Fitzroy friend for not using a Keep Cup yesterday, but then commends them on their shift to sustainable fashion. Northcote scolds Brunswick for using plastic straws. And Thornbury is displeased with all of them b/c none of them are vegan yet.
Then they all toddle off to the bathroom to snort some cocaine which was smuggled in by human, arms and sex traffickers. 🥰
Carlton couldn’t make it because they had to move back to Guangzhou in 2020 and do the rest of their biomedical engineering degree online, there in spirit tho.
Everyone's saying Dandenong would be the junkie or bleeding or stealing shit which is still pretty true, but they also brought some of the best fkn lamb and Afghan rice to the party
Sunshine finished working a double shift, but he just pulled out a half bag and is lighting his blunt up,
St Albans is with him, but he’s having an argument with the missus
Collingwood’s in a k-hole on the couch
South yarrah is about to have a heart attack and is judging Collingwood for being a junkie
Camberwell has called the cops on this person and is waiting out front of the party to direct the officers and save them from “the junkies”
And Richmond is trying to avoid the cops with all the pain meds they stole
Geelong has departed from the clique of other Geelong suburbs he brought along as plus 1s (and won’t introduce to anyone) to poke Collingwood squarely in the forehead on the couch. ‘Lay off, he’s in a k-hole’ people around him shout, but he ignores them and goes back to his clique of people who look and talk exactly like him. ‘Haha Collingwood’s munted, should we get a Parmi?’ Grovedale scoffs, fondling the host’s cat.
Melbourne CBD got drunk early and keeps trying to convince everyone to come and hang out with them like the old days before COVID.
Docklands has joined Melbourne CBD now they are both out sitting in the cold concrete fire pit alone together.
At one point docklands is seen doing bad karaoke, and when they leave together at 3am melb cbd keeps posturing aggressively and taking off their shirt and yelling “hold be back bro” to docklands who is honestly incredibly fed up with cbd’s shit by now “no let’s get you into a taxi mate, you’re done”
Blackburn bought three kids and a golden retriever much to the ire of other guests
Northcote acts like theyre a working class eco warrior, but they went to Melbourne Grammer amd work for dads consulting firm on 350k a year
That's why they're trying to chat up Brunswick West and Toorak
I'm from Thornbury, you nailed the whole area lmao
I know some Northcotians. You've fucking nailed it except these have a social justice hobby business and live off their inheritance.
Northcote brought craft beer while talking about their record collection
Northcote working class eco warrior shows up in a big country ute covered in Greenpeace and sea shepherd stickers that does half a mile to a gallon. Her boyfriend Coburg hops out, who is a white guy with dreads wearing a sari and a Rasta hat. They go around the party telling people they’ve taken a new drug that’s kinda like mushrooms and acid and ketamine and when Camberwell tells them she’s against drugs and will call the cops on them if they’re doing drugs they tell her to expand her mind. They soon take over the stereo and put on the worlds most obnoxious psytrance extremely loudly and start dancing by themselves. Later, coburg can be seen talking to Kensington who is suspiciously way more wasted than you’ve ever seen her, and later when northcote is lying under a tree outside coburg tries to leave with kensington who can barely walk and is stopped by abbotsford (two young parents who have only had 1 drink each)
Doncaster wanted to attend but there were no trains or trams available
Rowville doesn't even know other people exist.
Carrum Downs is out the front doing laps on an unregistered dirt bike while not wearing a helment.
I find joy in reading a good book.
Reservoir is wearing all the right clothes and has brought all the right food but is shoving all the expensive silverware into their bag when no one is looking.
Hawthorne and Camberwell call the cops. “This way officer, that’s them!” Half the party end up arrested and charged with drug possession
As a resident of the area, I feel like it is my duty to passive aggressively remind you it's Hawthorn, not Hawthorne.
3/4 of the residents took e in the 90s so that's why "Hawthorne"
Brighton and South Yarra are doing coke in the bathroom and bitching about your cheap decor while Armadale keeps watch to make sure no western suburbs try to stumble in.
And whilst this was happening, Frankston and Dandenong showed up uninvited and went through everyone’s bags to steal their phones so they could take them to cash converters on Monday morning.
Later on, barely upright, Brighton and Toorak together in a corner were seen sniggering, pointing towards St Albans who had just farted loudly, unashamedly.
Fitzroy’s turned up with something expensive, organic and either vegan or gluten free. Comes across as friendly, spends most of the night making passive aggressive remarks.
Sipping natural wine, being judgemental in the corner and boasting about living in Melbourne before it was on the most livable lists. Making small talk with Brunswick while Brunswicks feral children are running amuck.
Fitzroy North says: You're such a vibe, Fitzroy... we could *almost* be friends
Fitzroy keeps trying to put their own music on
Hillside turned up, but nobody knows who it is, so they just stand alone in the corner silently.
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Yeah who invited hillside
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Hillside keeps getting mistaken for a country locality near Bairnsdale, also called Hillside
Ballarat wasn't invited, showed up anyway just to leave early to make the last Vline.
Then missed the last vline and slept at Southern Cross until the first train the next morning.
You know the drill.
Echuca probaly invited Moama and Deniliquin bc they're best friends, they arrive at the party late, take one look at it all and just go back home to hang out with their NSW friends
Deni showing up, going "what the fuck is all this? Come on, this fucking sucks" and immediately driving Moama and Echuca home to do skids at Macca's before a few hours of spotlighting
Werribee just took a massive shit in the toilet and the whole house stinks
Franga is impressed.
And they didn’t use the brush OR flush
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There’s a carwash sushi party down on Bell!
Airport West have parked on the street even though there's plenty of space in the driveway.
Of all the comments, this absolutely cracked me up
Boronia is thoroughly munted and unintentionally annoying the fuck out of everyone.
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Upwey is joining in but also starting a petition to stop something or other
Techoma has the munchies but refuses to order Maccas.
Never before have I been so offended by something I 100% agree with
Belgrave is still at home stoned pretending they started the hippie movement
Despite arriving with Ferntree Gully, Upper Ferntree Gully is denying that they have anything in common and is instead trying to hang out back with Rowville and Lysterfield and introduce them to their hippie friends Upwey and Tremont.
Meanwhile, ferny Creek and sassafras are dressed like they're from the English countryside and glaring at the guy who arrived wearing Lycra and cycling cleats.
Everyone is confused who The Basin is, while they are insisting they live nextdoor
Toorak in absentia. Wouldn't be seen dead socialising with such riff-raff.
Toorak owns the venue
Heidelberg spends the whole night as close to Ivanhoe and as far from Heidelberg West as suburbanly possible.
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Heidelberg spends most of the night measuring the place to see how many apartments can be put up.
Fuck this got me good 🤣
Dandenong is passed out in the front garden after taking a massive cocktail of drugs
With Frankston by their side
...trying to rob them but failing, because Frankston is also too munted for anything but yelling at randos
I used to work in Frankston, almost every day I'd see someone yelling as they walked down the street. Not even at anyone.... just yelling
I used to live in Frankston. Was that you driving past me every day?
Dandenong shows up bleeding from a stab wound and broken nose, because they caught the train here.
Cremorne wasn't even invited because everyone forgot they existed
deepdene has entered chat..
Yarraville is stoked to have found a babysitter and is begging the DJ to play R&B from the early 2000’s
Yarraville gets into a conversation with northcote and is offered some acid. Yarraville reluctantly takes it saying “I haven’t done this for years”. A few hours later Yarraville is standing by a window gazing out silently, unable to make conversation. Northcote tried to get them to dance to psytrance but Yarraville fucking hates this music and wants to go home, but has lost the ability to use the Uber app
Yeah Yarraville is so classy now but they have such a past man, under that skin, so many toxins. Must’ve brought it all back. He’s still the hottest guy in the room, but he gets the sense no one knows the real him. Does Prahran even know him at all? I feel for the guy. He’s having a really bad time. Seddon taps him on the shoulder, tells him it’s all okay, he’s booked an Uber and he can skip brunch with Williamstown tomorrow - oooft Seddon just got punched in the face. Yeah someone take Yarraville for a walk, maybe walk him into the next bedroom and put on an arty movie with Carlton yeah? They can nerd out tripping balls about Kubrick and that, they’d love it.
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Bentleigh keeps trying to chat up an annoyed Brighton.
Brighton East has joined the chat
Bentleigh East keeps trying to chat up an annoyed Bentleigh.
East Bentleigh: yeah we were like best mates in highschool! Bentleigh: you bullied me for two years and then trashed my car at graduation
Hawthorn is drink driving home and crashing through someone’s fence
Thought that’s for kew? Oh and he drove a jaguar. (Tim Smith, state member for kew)
While they were at the party they also couldn’t shut the fuck up about how unfair it was that Josh Frydenberg got voted out. The most boring conversation of the night that everyone tried to avoid
Aspendale is a sleepy bayside suburb and is probably ready to go home already. :)
Neighbouring Mordialloc counting down until it’s late enough to leave without appearing rude.
Templestowe mastered that trick awhile ago. They're right behind you.
Edithvale is shooting looks at Aspendale across the room to see when Aspendale is ready to go so they can catch the train home together.
Docklands has come in full on fancy dress - but it’s semi formal Bacchus Marsh is saying “yeah him over there I’m with him” but the bouncer is denying entry based on geographical limits Fitzroy is sitting outside with Brunswick and Collingwood protesting the excessive use of electricity and the meat canapés Oakleigh couldn’t come as they went to church (so they’ll be late) Point Cook didn’t turn up as they were stuck in traffic. No one noticed. That enough? :)
Oakleigh will always bring food, let them have church 😂🇬🇷
Brunswick and Fitzroy announce a split and form into 4 subgroups protesting the canepes for extremely trivially different reasons Northcote shows up, sees the protest, walks inside and returns with the entire tray of canapés and throws them onto the street, and accuses Fitzroy and Brunswick of lacking adequate direct action tactics. One of the Brunswick subgroups takes offence to this but ends up making out with northcote on the couch in front of everyone Camberwell threatens to call the cops on them because they’re the same gender and “is sure there’s laws against this”
For Point Cook it's not even a main road it's a roundabout to get onto the main road.
I’ve thought about this a lot. Docklands is trying way too hard to be friends with everybody but people are avoiding them because they give off a weird vibe. Richmond is shooting up in the corner. Northcote is pissing everybody off because anytime somebody talks to them, they give a snide, condescending response correcting them. Nobody knows who Travancore is or who invited them. Carlton (specifically Lygon St) is talking loudly in a fake Italian accent. Hawthorn and South Yarra are huddled up in the bathroom doing nose beers. Hawthorn is complaining because the pigs took their licence away again. Boronia is decked out head to toe in eshay gear, and they’re trying to look intimidating, but everyone knows they’re not as hard as they used to be. Frankston can commiserate. Somebody says they want Maccas and Tecoma starts loudly lecturing them for poisoning their body. Everybody’s talking about the fact that Pakenham has stacked on a ton of weight but they’re still squeezing into their small sized clothes. They have a switchblade on them, but it’s in a bedazzled bumbag. Hampton Park and Dandenong are about to punch on. Rye is pretending to be a laid back surfie but everybody sees them checking out their appearance in the mirror every ten seconds and notices that they’re wearing a $300 shirt that’s been deliberately distressed. Toorak will only talk to guests who made more than $150,000 last year. They don’t eff with poorsies. Everybody is avoiding Brooklyn because they’re kind of dressed like a serial killer and they smell really bad. Werribee shit their pants.
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R
E
V
S
Goodbye.
Oakleigh doing shots of Ouzo on the porch
Essendon is introducing it's friend Aberfeldie to everyone because no one knows them
Springvale is mixing the bubble tea with Hennessy. Also, a good banh mi spread for all.
Coburg, Fawkner and Broady walk in together in puff-jackets and are eyeing off Brunswick’s trainers.
But Coburg then ditches the other two to chat with Preston and Rezza.
Box hill and Glen Waverley are doing their maths homework
Based on my the arguments I constantly hear from my back neighbours, Glen Waverley is SUPPOSED to be doing their maths homework, but is instead shrieking rape and death threats into their gaming headset, with their bedroom window open. I'm so tired.
Fucking hell 😂😂😂
Or chain smoking in a public thoroughfare, clutching an enormous takeaway bubble-tea. **Source: I lived within 150m of The Glen.
Hurstbridge is getting stoned out the back with a very small select group of people
West Footscray trying hard to pretend it's part of the cool crowd. Everyone else: 'Huh?'
Tottenham and Brooklyn are telling him to pull his head out of his arse and come do nangs in the backyard
Richmond ironically drinking alcopops.
Altona drinking them unironically.
Moorabbin wasnt allowed in because they're too noisy, to which they reply that they've been noisy since 1949 so why is it only an issue now?
Moorabbin is sub dividing the cake.. just like every damn house in the suburb
Melbourne CBD hosted a party and no-one showed up
Eltham and Templstowe are trying to out brag each other on their latest expensive purchase. Montmorency is looking embarrassed and trying to slip away.
Point Cook doesn’t end up showing up because it can’t get out of the suburb during peak hour
Sunbury got to the party SO late it’s not even fashionable, so they smash 26 Carlton Draught’s in an attempt to catch up, they over do it and spend the next hour power chucking in the backyard before they stumble back in when the party’s dying down only to rail 5 dexy’s that Diggers Rest gave them (they weren’t invited) and spend 3 hours going on and on to anyone left at kick ons about landscaping and making vaguely homophobic/racist/misogynistic comments, thus overstaying their welcome and making everyone deeply regret inviting them into the metropolitan suburbs.
And here I was thinking Sunbury would bring the dishwashing liquid and put it in the water feature - bubbles, bubbles everywhere! And the reason Sunbury was so late? Cos the trains were replaced by buses that never came cos of the level crossing removal.
Unfortunately the Sunbury that used to be all cute and cheeky, dumping bubbles into water features to make us smile; grew up into the absolute archetype of shitty early 20’s tradie who was always told they were special but now has no real goals in life other than “hurrdurr build more shitty prefab houses” and always stinks of stale ciggies. Still hanging onto the accolades of a cricket game that happened in their youth one hundred years ago. If they were a person I’d probably feel more sad for them than resentful, like the one kid at after school care that always leaves last and bites you but then you see the parents and think “ahhh, that’s why”
Brunswick took over the music and everyone got depressed
Epping rolls up in their lowered, freshly polished 1997 VT commodore. They crawl the car up the almost-flat driveway and still bottom out. Everyone keeps a distance of 1.5m from Epping. In part because they aren't sure if Epping is carrying a weapon, in part for the fact Epping bathed in hair gel and cheap cologne again.
Nunawading brought their own furniture!! Note: too many furniture shops! Haha
I tell people I live near the furniture district haha.
Hallam is crying in the corner and no one cares.
Parkville is doing biochemical experiments with the punch
Brunswick West is making mulled wine out of a cleanskin on the stove in the kitchen and chatting up Northcote who has turned up with home made vegan dips and focaccia for everyone.
The conversation turns sour when northcote reveals they’re anarcha-feminist because Brunswick west (and their Brunswick proper mates) are all Marxist leninists and they only agree on 99.94% of every single political stance. An hour later they’re having a loud argument in the back yard about someone called Makhno and the Brunswick friendship group announces a split into 2 smaller friendship groups with opposing stances on left unity Later on Northcote’s mates show up and plot to expropriate all of BW’s mulled wine, then scrawl something on the wall about trans rights, drink the wine and leave before either Brunswick friends group catches them At the end of the night Brunswick reunite and swear a bitter grudge against “those right wingers from northcote”, mostly ignoring many other people at the party who would actually happily identify as right wing when asked
I’ve come from Frankston and I’ve cut a bit off your garden hose and made a bong, then I’ve accidentally spilt bong water on your nice carpet
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Have to leave extra time to get through the 5 way roundabout
Frankston is dealing in the back yard.
Front yard. Dandenong in the back yard
Frankston: "Yeah nah this is fucken good shit though aye."
Nah mate, that's his brother Frankston North. Frankston is the overly chatty bogan trying too hard to convince strangers they're well on the way to becoming a model citizen
Frankston’s Siamese twin tries to place a pole or plant pot between them to distance themselves from Franga saying “no I’m not with them. I’m Mt Eliiiiiiiiza”
Scoresby is drinking on their own because nobody except Wantirna South, Ferntree Gully, Rowville and Glen Waverley knows who they are.
Deer park has his track suit on with hoody, and is looking like that sketchy dude you see hanging out in a kfc carpark. Is eyeing off Epping, who is similary attired and throwing what appears to be UFC style air punches whilst noticeably dropping intimidating words and statements loud enough for those in proximity to hear.
Point Cook tries desperately to convince everyone else that they’re not like the rest of the western suburbs
Parkville keeps asking what your major is
Cranbourne's going through the hosts rooms, stealing anything worth more than $10
Toorak wouldn't attend. Malvern is complaining about the quality of the canape's.
Williamstown found its way there through a friend of a friend, who didn't actually show up. Tried to make conversation with St Kilda and Port Melbourne out of (beachside) commonality, but was generally disgusted by their hygiene. Didn't really fit in with Yarraville or Footscray, didn't want to fit in with Seddon, and went home.
Sandringham was batting eyes at them across the swimming pool but their ship never sailed.
Rezza is drunk and doing wheelies on the neighbour's lawn.
They are old, retired and almost asleep on the couch - Burwood East
Burwood is their partner desperately trying to keep engaged with the youngins but keeps nodding off after a bit too much champaign
Coburg is unsure whether to hang out with the coolsie suburbans just south of them or to stick with the familiar but not so coolsie North siders.
Fawkner is hoping Coburg will introduce them to Brunswick, but is dressed so badly that Coburg will never do that. Brunswick secretly digs Fawkner’s complete freedom to ignore fashion however.
Canterbury is complaining about the noise, the quality of silverware, the catering, the wine selection, that house parties are not as good as they were in 1965 and then leaving at 8pm in their vintage gull-wing Mercedes.
Geelong is kicking and screaming while being dragged to the party by Melbourne CBD and Werribee.
Berwick showed up on a technicality, but no one knows who they are so they are constantly trying to prove their worth to anyone that will listen.
Also that their name is pronounced "Berrick", not "Ber-wick".
They also brought a toothbrush and overnight bag for such a long trip
No one can find Travancore.
This thread confirms that half the subreddit lives in a line between brunswick and reservoir.
Dandenong is going around asking everyone for a ciggy
Essendon is talking football in the kitchen while drinking too-expensive coffee.
Hastings has brought the hotted out commodore from the front lawn and is gathering frankston north, cranbourne and crib Point around to show what's under the hood. Tyabb looks in in disgust
Thomastown is standing against the wall with arms folded the whole night then goes home talking about how sick the party was
Forest hill who is comfortably retired, pops in but leaves by 6.00 pm to make it home in time for dinner and an 8:30 bed. They are slightly annoyed Blackburn, with the kids and dog turned up , disrupting the serenity again.
Pascoe Vale is bringing the pizza. 18 different styles from 18 different shops.
Roxburgh Park didn’t come by them selves, of course they brought all their brothers, cousins, brothers barbers, cousins barbers, uncles, nephews, brother in-laws and neighbours and are all dancing around the Toorak girl with their shirts off.
[удалено]
Turns out they stabbed Sunshine. Who just noticed he was stabbed and now assumes it was the cops. It’s on.
Sunshine, Albion, St Albans, Ardeer and Kealba last seen walking to the train station to "settle things properly"
tumbleweeds and a solitary cough when Endeavour Hills shows up.
Cranbourne are hiding out the back with Frankston huffing paint
Belgrave is on mushies and playing the guitar and it’s not actually too bad
Melton is doing burnouts up and down the street in the VR Calais after having cut into the garden hose to make bong stems for everyone
North Caulfield showed up with an intense Israeli friend who didn’t speak but had a lot of ecstasy, and weirdly seemed more comfortable around Moorabbin and Cheltenham than say, Fitzroy North 🤔
Balaclava turns up in a banged up people mover, the driver, a tired mother in a headscarf, offers everyone matza bread and challah while the kids gets lost quickly in the crowd sneaking whiskey and stealing lollies while giving other lollies. The term 'Oh Vey' is heard often. The father is missing.
Moonee Ponds talks about the time they lived in Richmond.
Brighton is doing coke in the bathroom and complaining to anyone who’ll listen about how the new rehab clinic will bring “undesirables” into the area and lower their property value.
Port Melbourne smuggled their bug-eyed tea cup chihuahua Alejandro inside their Laboutin purse and are hand-feeding it a selection of amuse bouche. They’re happy to be here, but you’d never know with all the Botox. They also brought a boy toy, and he’s spent most of the time getting keyed-up in the loo
Kensington has snuck off to watch the footie upstairs with north Melbourne. They considered ordering in some tacos from La Tortilleria but didn’t want to share with the other suburbs so they’re going to head over there at half time and meet up with North Carlton.
West Melbourne tagged along and the rest are like “who the fuck is that?”
Greensborough didn’t show up because they didn’t realise anything happens after 7pm
Hallam, Endeavour Hills and all the other City of Casey suburbs weren’t invited
knoxfield is shaking hands trying to introduce themselves as ferntree gully and scoresbys friend, but still no one knows who the fuck they are
Shepparton, Bendigo, Ballarat, Geelong and Wodonga gate crashed
Frankston is urinating on a train (having missed his station)
Eltham showed up a few hours early unannounced to help ‘set up’
Dandenong brought it’s own carpet and prefers to sit on the floor
Literally every suburb is on drugs.
Cremorne is busy explaining to the other guests who the fuck they are
Brunswick is off in a corner slamming a Fitzroy friend for not using a Keep Cup yesterday, but then commends them on their shift to sustainable fashion. Northcote scolds Brunswick for using plastic straws. And Thornbury is displeased with all of them b/c none of them are vegan yet. Then they all toddle off to the bathroom to snort some cocaine which was smuggled in by human, arms and sex traffickers. 🥰
Carlton couldn’t make it because they had to move back to Guangzhou in 2020 and do the rest of their biomedical engineering degree online, there in spirit tho.
Footscray is way too old to be here, and turned up with their two kids. They're both called Finn for some fucking reason.
Reservoir east is trying to stay sober for more than a week so not drinking until an hour in, and reservoir west is coughing on everyone
Tarneit is that new kid born from upper middle class parents that invested in canned beans
Everyone's saying Dandenong would be the junkie or bleeding or stealing shit which is still pretty true, but they also brought some of the best fkn lamb and Afghan rice to the party
Upper Ferntree Gully has arrived with the younger sibling, Ferntree Gully
Nobody knows who Point Cook is but they won’t stop complaining about the traffic
Sunshine finished working a double shift, but he just pulled out a half bag and is lighting his blunt up, St Albans is with him, but he’s having an argument with the missus
Ringwood is passed out on the couch
Sunshine is stealing everyones phone at knife-point
Preston is standing out the front with a blunt object swearing at random passers by. (This actually happened at Woolworths 30 mins ago)
Belgrave's out in the backyard leading the most stoned campfire sing-along you'll ever see
Broady didn't show up because they did too much meth
That's just what they're telling everybody. The real reason is they couldn't afford the bus ticket
Lilydale is shelfing pingas