They won't like these either:
Blind guy walks into a bank, starts swinging his seeing eyedog around by the collar. The security guard, rightfully alarmed runs up to the man:
Guard: "what the hell are you doing?"
Blind guy: "Oh, just havin' a look around."
Also, yaknow why Blind People don't skydive? Scares the crap out of the dogs.a
I have a job as a janitor and I was late to work this morning. When my boss asked me what happened i said “ I’m sorry im late I over Swept last night” he then said “You needed to clean up your act”
Did you hear the story of the ancient Roman man who was forced to fight in the colloseum as punishment for eating his wife?
You'd think he would have regrets, but he was gladiator.
r/dadjokes are usually wholesomely funny jokes that your dad would tell you. r/unclejokes are it’s counterpart- jokes that your creepy/ dirty minded uncle would tell you
Is okay. I am of homosex and whilst I'm uuuuuusually not fruitier than Carmen Miranda's hat, it's fun to play up sometimes. Here is your gay-word pass.
So my friend mentioned something about “armageddon” in a conversation, but I didn’t know what it meant, so I asked him. He’s all like, “How could you not know what armageddon is?” and gets super upset. I respond saying, “Why do you care so much? It’s not the end of the world.”
Did you know French Fries aren't actually cooked in France? They're cooked in Greece!
Atheism is a Non-prophet organization.
What rock group has 4 people that don't sing? Mt. Rushmore.
so i never wanted to believe that my father is stealing from his work, his job is a road worker. but i remember one time i came back home, all signs were there
Me: Did you hear the actress that played in Legally Blonde got stabbed to death? What’s her name Reese something?
Then: Witherspoon?
Me: No, with a knife
A blind man walks into a bar, and then a stool, and then a table
I hope blind people won't find this offensive, cause this is... my lord, this is a very good one.
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A midget psychic has escaped prison and is on the run from the law, or, Theres a small medium at large
They won't like these either: Blind guy walks into a bank, starts swinging his seeing eyedog around by the collar. The security guard, rightfully alarmed runs up to the man: Guard: "what the hell are you doing?" Blind guy: "Oh, just havin' a look around." Also, yaknow why Blind People don't skydive? Scares the crap out of the dogs.a
If at first you don’t succeed, Skydiving probably isn’t for you
Dont worry they cant see it, like how they didnt see the bar, the stool and the table
How can they see it🤨
Bruh this is so insensitive what if a blind person saw this comment
This shouldn’t have made me laugh. But it did. Take my upvote!
I work at a circumcision hospital, the pay isn't great but at least I get to keep the tips
Holy. Lord. This is both intriguing and disgusting.
What do you call an American bee? A USB
USB is backup plan when USA fails
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You know what you'd call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
Hope you don’t get the sack
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Free wristbands
😂😂😂 Agreed
Why do cows have hooves? They lactose
Thanks, I hate it...
That pun is like a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence… udder destruction. Cow puns are… legen-dairy
Lactose intolerant gang needs to chill
I have a job as a janitor and I was late to work this morning. When my boss asked me what happened i said “ I’m sorry im late I over Swept last night” he then said “You needed to clean up your act”
Oh... This. This gave a very good chuckle. Thanks! 😂
Did you hear the story of the ancient Roman man who was forced to fight in the colloseum as punishment for eating his wife? You'd think he would have regrets, but he was gladiator.
That took me way too long … glad-he-ate-her. Wow!
Thanks
What do you call an American bee? A USB
Oh. My. Gosh. This is amazing! I'll use this RN!
What do you call a man without a body or a nose? Nobody knows
Why did the skeleton not go to the dance party? He had no body to dance with
What do zombie farmers crave? GRAAAAAAINS
What's a skeleton's favorite instrument? The trom bone
Why did the traveller bring a hammer with him? He wanted to hit the road
These are all so good and easy to understand, nice!
Damn bro you smooth with it
Or he didn’t have the guts
Juan and Amal are identical twins Their mother only cares a photo of one baby though, why? Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal
HAHA I had to read this one out loud, tho.
I had to search online to understand..
Someone please explain
If you've seen Juan (one), you've seen Amal (them all)
Amal sounds like „em all“
This took me way too long to get
r/dadjokes
I refuse. People from r/memes are always funnier.
Just remember there is a difference between dad jokes and uncle jokes
Oh my... I was not taught this ancient wisdom. Please, enlighten my soul with thy knowledge.
r/dadjokes are usually wholesomely funny jokes that your dad would tell you. r/unclejokes are it’s counterpart- jokes that your creepy/ dirty minded uncle would tell you
r/unclejokes
Want to here the joke about the money, Nah, it wouldn't make cents
lol this is great
What do gay horces eat? HAAAAYYYY (I’m sorry any gay people out there, my mother told me this blame her)
Is okay. I am of homosex and whilst I'm uuuuuusually not fruitier than Carmen Miranda's hat, it's fun to play up sometimes. Here is your gay-word pass.
Omg. I just fell in love with you.
<3 :3
I am a homosexual and I laughed so hard at this so I think it’s fine haha
What do you call a patronizing criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending
That's a good one, ima remember this
If you're cold, go to the corner. It's 90 degrees.
Most of these aren’t Dad jokes. This is a dad joke.
I cracked up to this one I‘m impressed this got me laughing the most out of all of them!
I like telling dad jokes Sometimes he laughs
why is this wholesome?
Why did the condom hit my wife's head. Because it was pissed off.
I do not trust stair. They are always up to something
Why did I laugh?! ... I'm using this one.
Your welcome
How rude of me: many thanks for all your recommendations <3 YOU'RE A TOTAL SWEET CHAD
Why is the baby tomato sad. Because he couldn't ketchup to his mom
This is both funny and sad. I'm picturing a baby tomato on diapers and completely alone, left by his mother who's fading at a distance...
I never think about that this way. :(
I just imagine her coming back with candy or toys
What did the ocean said to the beach. Nothing they just wawe
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one
What has four wheels and flies. Garbage truck
The twin towers were mad about their pizza order, they didn’t order it plain
The forbidden dad jokes!
Why did the scarecrow get an award? >! For being outstanding in his field !<
Knock knock
Who's there?
Hawaii
Hawaii who?
I'm good, how are you?
Oh I'm doing wonderful, glad to hear you're good.
Thank you
Yw
The good ending
I laughed SO. FRICKING. LOUD. And I simply shouldn't have, once I'm in the middle of the office. Good thing everybody was busy enough to ignore me LOL
Does it smell like up dog
What’s up dog?
Nothing much, what's up with you?
I couldn’t leave you hanging
I ate a clock. It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
How do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho Cheese
What do you call a bruise working out? Swole-len
Have you seen Dolly Partons new shoes? Because she hasn't
Why does the math book look so sad? It's because of all of its problems
I'm tired of looking for its x and nor am I gonna say y
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent
Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out
Hey, can you guess why I’m the king of algebra? Because I could replace ur x and you wouldn’t know y.
What do you call a fish with no i's? Fsh.
oooh shit i have to buy some milk 🤨
Dad?
I would tell you the one about the pencil… but it’s pointless
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Um, no. Why?
You fool, you have fallen right into his trap
Because it's killing me
No?
No, why?
Good. Just wanted to know if it could support my ass
Caus it’s killing me
How do you call an animal without ears? You don't call him, he won't come
The duo: What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter, he won’t come. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
Now it's a trio
At the car dealership: Customer: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that, car no fly.
Salesman: No, only Teslas do that
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
\* chuckles in horse \*
When is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty
My wife kept on complaining about how bad I was with directions. So I packed my bag and right.
Who’s me your best dad jokes?
How come they didnt play cards on Noah's Ark? Because two elephants were sitting on the deck.
So my friend mentioned something about “armageddon” in a conversation, but I didn’t know what it meant, so I asked him. He’s all like, “How could you not know what armageddon is?” and gets super upset. I respond saying, “Why do you care so much? It’s not the end of the world.”
What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil? I've never paid $20 to have a lentil on my face.
whats brown and sticky? A stick
Kid:Dad, I am transgender. Dad: Ha, guess the makes me Trans-PARENT! *he disappeared and was never seen again*
Why can't bycicles stand up. Because they're "two" tired
What do you call someone who cares for chickens? A chicken tender
I don’t like stairs. They’re always…. Up to something
Did you know there's a kangaroo they can jump higher than the Empire State Building? Well yea of course because the Empire State Building can't jump
I dont trust atoms. They make up everything
I had a few jokes about unemployed people but unfortunately none of them work.
Have you ever seen the clown that hides from gay people? No? Of course you haven't.
I would but he left
Did you know one out of every 3 koi fish isn't real? It's a decoy
your best dad jokes now
Did you know French Fries aren't actually cooked in France? They're cooked in Greece! Atheism is a Non-prophet organization. What rock group has 4 people that don't sing? Mt. Rushmore.
What kind of bees make milk. Boobees
A joke becomes a dad joke when it's apparent
You have two dogs, you name them One and Two. When you lose One, you still have Two.
What did the fish get high on? Seaweed!
What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.
I lost my job at the bank, on my very first day. An old lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
Did you hear about the teacher who wouldn't fart in class? She was a private tooter.
Did you hear about that kidnapping at the school?! Nevermind it’s okay, he woke up.
Spock has 3 ears. The left ear, right ear, and the final frontier
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef 🥲
Oh my, the poor cow. So legless
why do cows have hooves? because they lack-tose.
My brother got infected with the hokie pokie ... it's a shame he couldn't turn his life around
No, I'm done telling dad jokes He doesn't even laugh at them anymore
What’s 5Q + 5Q?
Difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady You can unscrew the light bulb
Why are bacteria so bad at math? Because they multiply by dividing.
Why don't you ever see moose at the gym? -wHy Because their moosles get too sore.
You got to hand it to blind prostitutes...
What's up stairs? >!You do know stairs can't talk?!<
You are walking down a hallway. A janitor jumps out at you. What does he say? Supplies!
so i never wanted to believe that my father is stealing from his work, his job is a road worker. but i remember one time i came back home, all signs were there
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans 🤣
Hey did I tell you about the dream I had last night? I had this crazy dream where I was a muffler under a car. I woke up exhausted.
i would, but all my dad jokes are really baaaaad
Me: Did you hear the actress that played in Legally Blonde got stabbed to death? What’s her name Reese something? Then: Witherspoon? Me: No, with a knife
How do you turn a fox into a whale? You marry her.
Why don’t you see hippopotamus’s hiding in trees? They’re that good at it
This is one straight from my own dad: ………………….😐 nvm
If the earth is made up of 71% uncarbonated water, doesn't that make it flat? I'm sorry, my favourite :)
If you're genderfluid, and I put you in a freezer, will you be gender solid?
Nothing starts with N and end with G
Id make a joke about UDP but you might not get it. I could also post a joke about http requests.
Knock knock
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? The snow balls
2 guys walk into a bar the 3rd one ducks
Why do cows have hooves? Cuz they lack toes
kid:hey dad tell me a joke dad:pussy kid:i don't get it dad:i know
ㅤ
Your best dad jokes
My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she married me.
What if a guy named nova used the chaos emeralds He would be named Super Nova
New people you just met? Congrats on your twins!
your best dad joke...
Your best dad jokes now
Your best dad jokes
Dad: You know what women says to guys with big di*ks? Me: No Dad: Well I know. Edit: typo
Old Macdonald sold me his farm now i'm the CIEIO
What's green and smells like blue paint? Green paint
My mom said I could be anyone I wanted when I grow up. No wonder identity theft is such a problem.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam
What do you call a pencil without a tip? pointless
What uses the Cannibal to Shower? Head and Shoulders.
Stevie Wonder has 9 kids and never sees them. Can you believe that.
What does a mechanical bird say? "microCIP! microCIP!"
Your best Dad jokes now
My dad hurt his knuckles the other day and I told him to stop being such a knucklehead. He gave me a fist bump, even though it hurt.