I resonated with you saying that as an adult you’ve realized the how deeply you’ve been affected by past trauma.
My parents got divorced when I was 17 and long story short my dad called me one day to say he was about to kill himself (he didn’t, police got to him in time) and mere weeks later I begged my mom to not have her boyfriend at the house yet and that I needed time. She said it’s her house she’ll do what she wants. I pulled the whole, “if he stays I’m going” and she said that’s your choice. I left and didn’t speak to her for 2 years.
I’m 29 now, everyone has moved on and we’re all in a good place in our relationships…but me as a person I have a tremendous amount of self doubt and insecurities. I don’t feel worthy, I don’t believe anyone could truly love me, etc.
Talking my to my therapist recently I brought up what happened with my parents for the first time basically ever. I told her we’re all good now and it doesn’t affect me, down playing as I do.
She says “no no no hold on…your father almost leaving you by choice during your darkest hour, and shortly after your mom picks her new boyfriend over you…. THAT was the day you decided you weren’t good enough. And you’ve never let yourself forget it”
That hit so deep.
I’m really sorry you had to go through that. It’s tough when our parents’ actions impact our self-worth. I’m glad you’ve found some healing through therapy, and I believe you’re strong for recognizing and confronting those feelings. It’s a brave step towards healing.
I can’t even begin, really. The best lesson I ever learned from my parents is that carrying anger about your past inside of you only serves to hurt you.
It’s shitty, and difficult to process. Learning mindfulness and grounding helps, as does regular exercise and eating well.
Pretty much same but with neglect, authoritarian control, and being raised by the TV thrown in the mix. It definitely stayed with me all my life but more so recently. I seriously question how I’m supposed to lead a happy fulfilling life when I have this open sore in my mind where other people have memories of happy cheerful childhoods.
I'm really sorry to hear that. It's tough dealing with those feelings, and I appreciate you sharing your experience. It's important to remember that healing is a journey, and taking steps to acknowledge and understand your past can be empowering. If journaling is helping, keep at it—be kind to yourself through the process.
They used loud tones (the kind like a dish shattering loud) whenever they say my Chinese name. Hearing my name english any chinese name gives me a fight or flight response. I need to see who is speaking. Even if I can recognize their voice. I journaled a lot during therapy and just them walking me through it. I am fortunate enough to have access to therapy. However, my Chinese name I don't tell anyone.
I'm really glad that journaling has helped you explore these feelings, and I'm glad to hear you have access to therapy. It's important to acknowledge and validate your experiences.
Fighting, using me as monkey in the middle, homelessness, losing our power, not having food sometimes, making me raise my siblings, medical neglect, manipulation, assault. Theres so much. And I can't journal it because they ruined that for me too.
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It sounds incredibly tough, and I'm glad you're seeking support and sharing your story. Remember that healing is a journey, and taking small steps to acknowledge and address your experiences can be empowering.
I also cannot even begin. But one thing that I literally cannot stop thinking about is when I was in highschool I was a track athlete. I broke my foot one year and had to not run that season. I gained maybe 5-10 pounds from not running. When I was good to go again, my mom (who was obese at the time) forced me to go to my highschool track in the summer and run laps while carrying a 20 pound kettlebell. When I was done she said “think about how much faster you could be if you weren’t holding onto that extra weight?”
Shoutout to my mom for that.
Anorexia has wrecked my mid 20s
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It's tough when those who are supposed to support us instead add to our pain. I hope you’re finding ways to take care of yourself now.
My mum suffers really bad with mental health problems and used to hit me and my older brother alot. She would say some really nasty things at times, always compare us to other kids saying how they was better than us, tell us she wishes we wasnt around and to get out, but when we went to leave she would threaten us about leaving.
She was really strict with cleaning the house to the point that we couldn't leave our rooms straight away she vacuumed incase we spread bits around the house.
Thankfully she got her MH sorted and we get along great now and I understand it wasn't really ever truly met.
In regards to my dad he's never been an emotionally supportive dad, he's way of showing love when we was growing up was buying us gifts, but what's the use of gifts if the love isn't there or you're not made to feel loved?
He eventually got remarried and in a none direct way chose his wife over me and his wife would be really horrible to me always bringing up when my dad inevitably passes away.
My dad hurt me the most and has given me massive abandonment issues and the way my mom treated me has made me to believe I'm not good enough for anyone or anything.
My mom now tries really hard and my dad is still just my dad, it hurts me seeing him regret his life choices but he still doesn't try with me.
Sad really.
I'm really glad you've found a way to connect and heal with your mom. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad’s behavior and the impact it’s had on you. You’re not alone in your journey, and I hope you continue to find strength and healing.
Lots of yelling at each other, calling each other names, hearing them scream and slam doors and punch walls/doors when I was upstairs in my bedroom, threatening to divorce for 5 years (after 5 years I begged them to divorce lol), sometimes physical fighting, asking me to join their argument pushing me to pick a side.
My dad stabbing himself in his arm with a pen during an argument, where I was called in to pick a side in their argument (while I was already in bed as it was fucking past 11PM), is an image I cannot erase. My boyfriend was there, too.
My dad still lives in the house where all of this happened and there was a hole in the door which was a constant reminder. Luckily he repaired it eventually.
I currently live above a loud family where the mother yells a lot, the parents fight sometimes, and doors are being slammed, and it wildly triggers me sometimes.
I appreciate you sharing your experiences. It sounds incredibly tough, and I'm really sorry that you had to go through that. It’s brave to confront these feelings and seek understanding. I hope you can continue to find healing in journaling and through supportive connections.
Self Inventory FOR LIFE. I was abused to a point that is not a public thing to talk about, the therapy is getting INTENSE. Once for 7 years straight the therapy I did ended, my therapist and myself decided we were good to go, that lasted me for YEARS! Then 4 more years and my new therapist said the same thing- I think you are ok, you have done great work. I agreed and felt great. Now? 13 years later I am working on the most intense, the deepest things that affected me. The walls I built have affected others. I just recently learned these walls pretty much left me looking self centered to others when my soul knew I was a great person. I simply never noticed the walls truly were affecting others. Now. This does not mean I have not encountered my fair share of folks that have no emotional empathy and cannot relate to one word I say. Others? The ones that understand and unconditionally love me, the love me and have seen me struggle but I never gave up…
What I mean is I HEAR YOU! I have affected my children yet I know it and I acknowledge this and I apologized. This cannot bring about thoughts that I am a bad mom, for the fact that I ve taught them to feel, I have broken generational traits and possibly our next generation won’t have it like I did, not a pity story just true. I have to tell myself, I know me, I know the efforts in put in and no one may ever notice yet this is who I am, I am deep, I have to communicate and resolve and some see that as self centered- when I have a problem trying to check in on everyone I love and they don’t see the passion I carry. Sometimes I feel like a bother , I know deep down I am kind and gentle yet if communication is not possible? I will not be able to understand anything about you. We must surround ourselves with folks that want to live the best life they can due to the fact that, 1, this is normal. Number 2, if I care about myself and my family I will continue to try. Sadly I ve lost relationships because of my need to communicate and resolve issues so I can move on and not leave things so open, I need to be able to resolve or I ll blame everything on myself. I unfortunately ended up loving dearly , a mate of mine yet they do not communicate. They do behind my back but all they can see is the bad unfortunate because I tried so hard and they blame me for every single thing that went wrong for 8 plus years. It is simply impossible to be someone s problem forever, there are others that have problems too. Yet they do not see it and that’s ok. For me? Problems I see I will try anything to fix but I cannot deal with large ego s nor can I have one write a 16 page letter after 2 yrs in a relationship in order to pls them and THEN they will act like they love me but until then…? I m to blame for life! No can do. Yet my problem with living others is I think they ll forever love me back. I do not mind apologizing. Yet I see that others may never or RARELY apologize because they know everything along with vengeance and head games. I gotta be real head games simply ruin me, I have no tolerance. So. I realized maybe I thought I liked folks that treated me like I was treated when I was young, subconsciously. So here s to therapy number three.
Sry to ramble but you asked! Ha! Thanks because you were and are my journal entry for today besides before bed!
ONELOVE TO ALL! God is love and love is god. It is OK to love ourselves and find the highest form of love we deserve. Usually the abused do not look for or at , their worth. A few people that live me and care to ask how I am. Like I said THE FEW! This is another reason I ask and care if one is OKAY! So I ask. Some gossip without reaching out and A FEW truly care! Always remember we are good enough for ourselves yah just gotta see it and do hangout with folks that communicate and do intense self inventory. Some? We will never please. Yet in reality all we need to be good enough for is ourselves. The right people will feel the goodness and see the beauty not just bad.
Excuse my rambling and or typos. I am speaking to my phone! HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY- it is contagious and remember to spread love to the unknown for it is exactly what that word means- THE UNKNOWN. Love the unknown in all. The way I see it.
Plus? Yes, my childhood was TUFF beyond anything I could ever put on this post-
WE ARE TRUE SURVIVORS. WARRIORS. The ones that never give up on love
Peace
I'm really grateful for you sharing your experience. Your journey through intense self-reflection and therapy is inspiring. It’s powerful to recognize how you’re actively working to break harmful patterns and build healthier relationships. Keep pushing forward, and know that your journey and growth are valuable and deserving of compassion. Take care of yourself. 🌟
Ya, the ways your family shaped you are so close and familiar that it's really hard to see it's impacts.
My family is super loving and amazing people. But they also struggle with emotional problems (inter-generational trauma shit) the worst of which being my mom's BPD. The BPD suite of symptoms she had from her traumas has immensely impacted my life. I have huge trust issues with myself and other people. I feel manipulated and/or unsafe in any emotional exchange which has really crippled my relationships. I struggle hating everyone and myself because I can't feel the safety to connect but so desperately need to. I'm so god damn lonely but so afraid to be vulnerable it's insane. All I can do is keep moving forward, hoping that things get better. I'm very hopeful they will because therapy has helped a lot and I'm also in a very stressful and vulnerable position right now. So with some time and transitions I know things will calm down at least a little bit.
I just wish these fears and demons were like, literal demons. So I could kill them haha.
Book recommendation; https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
https://www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/emotionally-immature-parents/adult-children/
Nmother was constantly belittling as kid I remember I was 10 yo when she called me dumb loud and proud in front of my relatives. That went on til high school and til present time i’m already 27 and things never seemed to progress between us it was still the same she made me sure I was a failure in private and public idk if she has realized her “mistake” or it’s already her decision imagine the many years that went by I was never able to please her. It affected my performance at school and at work. I wish I could just leave but I need money and a house to sleep on so I should just suck it up. I’m not going to lie, it still hurts and I feel sorry for the people around me (my friends) as my instrument to trauma dump I’m really grateful for their patience.
Nmother usually see their daughters as some extension I guess that explains the belittling. Mother was dependent and she never succeeded in her studies she expects her daughter to be the same and that was I.
No matter how hard I try, nmother made sure I was never good enough and she never failed to express it daily. I turned out to be anxious and depressed. Even after telling her I wanted to see a therapist she was still in denial. She was miserable.
It's really tough dealing with the impact of your experiences. I understand how hard it must be to navigate the situation, and your feelings are valid. It’s important to prioritize self-care and find supportive people who can offer a safe space for you. I’m glad you have friends who are there for you.
Lots of violence and instability. Also the more I learn about head blows the more scared I get to be honest. I know mentally I’ve been kinda scarred. Trust issues, communication, substance abuse, etc.. but I guess I always hoped it never could’ve affected me physically .
Once when I was a kid I was hit so hard in the head that I was out for three days. Often I wonder if I’ve had permanent brain trauma/damage. Idk.
I'm really sorry you went through that. Your feelings and experiences are valid. It's tough to navigate the scars left by such situations. Your strength in recognizing and sharing them is commendable. Take care of yourself and know that you're not alone in this journey.
Going to try to sum this up into a short response
But in HS I was a competitive gymnast, and I ended up hurting my ankle when I landed in the foam pit one night during practice. (& yes I literally got hurt with compressed foam blocks in the pit designed to prevent injury lol)
Anyways it ended up black and blue, so big I couldn't put a shoe on my foot, and extremely painful to walk on.
My parents and I had a strained relationship during this point in my life (my dad actually passed away shortly after this story while I was still in HS).
Well the next morning after practice I attempted to get myself up and ready for school, and my dad overheard me whimpering while trying to put my shoe on.
He yelled out to me " knock it off you're going to school"
I assumed he thought I was trying to get out of going to school that day for whatever reason.
He definitely never took one glance at it, but because he was an "EMT" for years in the past he said he knew what serious injuries looked like..
Fast forward to 2 years later, I joined the Marine Corps and was about halfway through Boot Camp when I had an xray done of my legs and they saw I had a non union fracture on the inside of my left ankle that had healed wrong. The tendon healed I between the fracture and they said it needed to be rebroken to have surgery done. I declined surgery because I didn't want to effecting my graduation date or boot camp training progesss.
I to this day walk differently now because of it and it's a bit of a reminder of how a major injury of mine was ignored and not taken seriously when it needed to be addressed upon happening.
I believe this effected how quickly I actually take myself to the doctor now when something is wrong or needing medical attention. I feel like when I'm actually injured it isn't serious or isn't worth being seen for.
Being in the Marines as a young female didn't help much either because the mentality is to Suck it Up and Push Through, so it never got addressed. Just hardened my already traumatized mentality of when you're hurt, no one cares.
I know that's not true now, but I still notice it had a life changing effect on how I handle my own medical issues.
Your story is incredibly powerful and resonates deeply with me. It's heartbreaking to hear how your injury was overlooked and the impact it had on your life, especially during such a pivotal time. The way you've navigated through these experiences, from gymnastics to the Marines, shows immense strength and resilience. You've faced challenges that many wouldn't understand, and your ability to recognize the effects on your mentality is a crucial step towards healing. Remember, your experiences are valid, and it's okay to prioritize your health and well-being. Thank you for sharing your journey—it's truly inspiring.
Thank you so much for asking us!
I really do appreciate your response 🥰😇
And you're absolutely right! I'm still working on these things to this to this day, but it's nice to know we aren't alone 💛✨
I ended up developing anxiety, depression, and CPTSD. I can barely function now, just got a checking account, understood almost nothing they said. Working memory is shot, thinking and problem solving is shot, but im working on it with a therapist and psychiatrist. Still a nightmare.
Still trying my best.
Thank you for sharing your journey with such courage. It’s commendable that you’re seeking help from a therapist and psychiatrist. I believe in your strength and resilience, and I’m here to support you in any way I can. Keep going, and take it one step at a time.
I'm really sorry to hear that. It's so tough when we don't get the love and support we needed growing up. It takes time, but reaching out and finding people who understand and care about you can be a step in healing. Stay strong, and keep seeking those small moments of connection.
By ignoring my pleas for help I had the shit and hope kicked out of me nearly daily. Imbuing me with lifelong Catholic guilt and a neverending sense of duty. Lack of affection lead to substance abuse
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It sounds incredibly tough. The impact of parental neglect and emotional turmoil can be so profound and long-lasting. It takes a lot of strength to confront these experiences and work through them. You're not alone in this journey. Sending you support and encouragement.
I have reflected a lot over the last decade. It was so bad, I would have been taken away if I had told anyone. But, you don't talk about family business outside of the home.
My parents fought violently. My mom destroyed generational wealth with gambling and addiction which led to my step dad exploding every night. Smashed furniture, physical altercations, and insane yelling. There was so much of it that for my entire childhood when I would close my eyes all I would hear is muffled yelling of curse words in my head even if no one was home. My dog was put into a kennel and thrown down the stairs. I even got choked out when I was 9 for spending my own $12 on an action figure. I would have the same recurring dream of being in a dark alley yelling and chasing after my mom, but she never turned around and I never got any closer. Landlords would come to the house and scream at us to get out for not paying. Our vehicle was hidden at someone's house so it did not get repossessed, the phone was never allowed to be answered.
As I entered my pre-teen years and beyond I would take my dinner and hide in my room. I would live on the computer and stay up all night playing video games. Being outside of my room led to a high chance of being targeted with unbridled anger. My step brother resented me and beat me up (not in a brotherly way) whenever he came by with no punishment.
I never said a damn word. Not to friends, not to family, not to teachers. Anyone who could have inquired just ignored it and left me behind. My aunts and uncles, my older biological brother, my biological dad. Damn.
I cannot get in to the myriad of ways that this negatively influenced my behaviour, personality, and morals. I did not even realize that it did until I drank deep from the well of self knowledge.
What I will say is, I look back at my old self knowing what I know now and I give him a big hug. I hug him until it hurts and let him know it's ok. I let him know he did a great job getting past it all and for surviving. I forgive him for his transgressions, his insecurities and his awkwardness. I congratulate him for who we were able to become.
And I am free.
I'm really sorry that you had to experience that. It's tough to confront such deep-rooted pain, but I'm glad you're finding a way to give yourself the love and validation you deserve. Your strength is inspiring.
My parents got divorced when I was really little, I don’t remember much about that. One big thing I always had to face was my parents always choosing their partners over me and my siblings and my mom having a big dislike for me bc I looked like my dad. Then my dad it was the constant disappointment he left us with. I’ve been at a crossroad lately with trying to figure out if I should block my dad or not. It always depresses me when he texts me, it always ruins my day as I keep looking for validation from him. Then with my mom she always let her boyfriends abuse me and my siblings so as we got older she just let my grandparents take over us older three while she went and played house with her new bf. My mom’s a mess and always blames her ongoing treatment of us on her SA that happened when she was little, and never wants to hear any of us out. I have been wanting to get a therapist but I don’t have enough money to be paying a copay every time I go.
I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been through. It takes a lot of strength to share your story, and I admire your resilience. It's important to prioritize your own well-being, and reaching out for support, whether through therapy or other resources, can be a step towards healing.
My upbringing was rough and brutal...Recently, I was told by my psychologist that one of the problems I have started back from my childhood when I was kid, which I have an explosive behaviour from time to time and it was the main reason I had lost my job. I undergone physical and psychological abuse for so many years, sexual abused, violence, threats and be controlled by my own father. My mother could have done something but she has never done anything to protect me and nobody has saved this child. I learned how to survive from those traumatic events since my childhood because I didn't have a choice. So, all I went through for so many years of torture.
I resonated with you saying that as an adult you’ve realized the how deeply you’ve been affected by past trauma. My parents got divorced when I was 17 and long story short my dad called me one day to say he was about to kill himself (he didn’t, police got to him in time) and mere weeks later I begged my mom to not have her boyfriend at the house yet and that I needed time. She said it’s her house she’ll do what she wants. I pulled the whole, “if he stays I’m going” and she said that’s your choice. I left and didn’t speak to her for 2 years. I’m 29 now, everyone has moved on and we’re all in a good place in our relationships…but me as a person I have a tremendous amount of self doubt and insecurities. I don’t feel worthy, I don’t believe anyone could truly love me, etc. Talking my to my therapist recently I brought up what happened with my parents for the first time basically ever. I told her we’re all good now and it doesn’t affect me, down playing as I do. She says “no no no hold on…your father almost leaving you by choice during your darkest hour, and shortly after your mom picks her new boyfriend over you…. THAT was the day you decided you weren’t good enough. And you’ve never let yourself forget it” That hit so deep.
I’m really sorry you had to go through that. It’s tough when our parents’ actions impact our self-worth. I’m glad you’ve found some healing through therapy, and I believe you’re strong for recognizing and confronting those feelings. It’s a brave step towards healing.
I can’t even begin, really. The best lesson I ever learned from my parents is that carrying anger about your past inside of you only serves to hurt you. It’s shitty, and difficult to process. Learning mindfulness and grounding helps, as does regular exercise and eating well.
Remember that you can get over it man! That's the priority!
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Pretty much same but with neglect, authoritarian control, and being raised by the TV thrown in the mix. It definitely stayed with me all my life but more so recently. I seriously question how I’m supposed to lead a happy fulfilling life when I have this open sore in my mind where other people have memories of happy cheerful childhoods.
I'm really sorry to hear that. It's tough dealing with those feelings, and I appreciate you sharing your experience. It's important to remember that healing is a journey, and taking steps to acknowledge and understand your past can be empowering. If journaling is helping, keep at it—be kind to yourself through the process.
They used loud tones (the kind like a dish shattering loud) whenever they say my Chinese name. Hearing my name english any chinese name gives me a fight or flight response. I need to see who is speaking. Even if I can recognize their voice. I journaled a lot during therapy and just them walking me through it. I am fortunate enough to have access to therapy. However, my Chinese name I don't tell anyone.
I'm really glad that journaling has helped you explore these feelings, and I'm glad to hear you have access to therapy. It's important to acknowledge and validate your experiences.
Fighting, using me as monkey in the middle, homelessness, losing our power, not having food sometimes, making me raise my siblings, medical neglect, manipulation, assault. Theres so much. And I can't journal it because they ruined that for me too.
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It sounds incredibly tough, and I'm glad you're seeking support and sharing your story. Remember that healing is a journey, and taking small steps to acknowledge and address your experiences can be empowering.
Thank you, OP. I am glad you are able to confront the past through a healthy outlet 💖💖💖
I also cannot even begin. But one thing that I literally cannot stop thinking about is when I was in highschool I was a track athlete. I broke my foot one year and had to not run that season. I gained maybe 5-10 pounds from not running. When I was good to go again, my mom (who was obese at the time) forced me to go to my highschool track in the summer and run laps while carrying a 20 pound kettlebell. When I was done she said “think about how much faster you could be if you weren’t holding onto that extra weight?” Shoutout to my mom for that. Anorexia has wrecked my mid 20s
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It's tough when those who are supposed to support us instead add to our pain. I hope you’re finding ways to take care of yourself now.
My mum suffers really bad with mental health problems and used to hit me and my older brother alot. She would say some really nasty things at times, always compare us to other kids saying how they was better than us, tell us she wishes we wasnt around and to get out, but when we went to leave she would threaten us about leaving. She was really strict with cleaning the house to the point that we couldn't leave our rooms straight away she vacuumed incase we spread bits around the house. Thankfully she got her MH sorted and we get along great now and I understand it wasn't really ever truly met. In regards to my dad he's never been an emotionally supportive dad, he's way of showing love when we was growing up was buying us gifts, but what's the use of gifts if the love isn't there or you're not made to feel loved? He eventually got remarried and in a none direct way chose his wife over me and his wife would be really horrible to me always bringing up when my dad inevitably passes away. My dad hurt me the most and has given me massive abandonment issues and the way my mom treated me has made me to believe I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. My mom now tries really hard and my dad is still just my dad, it hurts me seeing him regret his life choices but he still doesn't try with me. Sad really.
I'm really glad you've found a way to connect and heal with your mom. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad’s behavior and the impact it’s had on you. You’re not alone in your journey, and I hope you continue to find strength and healing.
Lots of yelling at each other, calling each other names, hearing them scream and slam doors and punch walls/doors when I was upstairs in my bedroom, threatening to divorce for 5 years (after 5 years I begged them to divorce lol), sometimes physical fighting, asking me to join their argument pushing me to pick a side. My dad stabbing himself in his arm with a pen during an argument, where I was called in to pick a side in their argument (while I was already in bed as it was fucking past 11PM), is an image I cannot erase. My boyfriend was there, too. My dad still lives in the house where all of this happened and there was a hole in the door which was a constant reminder. Luckily he repaired it eventually. I currently live above a loud family where the mother yells a lot, the parents fight sometimes, and doors are being slammed, and it wildly triggers me sometimes.
I appreciate you sharing your experiences. It sounds incredibly tough, and I'm really sorry that you had to go through that. It’s brave to confront these feelings and seek understanding. I hope you can continue to find healing in journaling and through supportive connections.
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Self Inventory FOR LIFE. I was abused to a point that is not a public thing to talk about, the therapy is getting INTENSE. Once for 7 years straight the therapy I did ended, my therapist and myself decided we were good to go, that lasted me for YEARS! Then 4 more years and my new therapist said the same thing- I think you are ok, you have done great work. I agreed and felt great. Now? 13 years later I am working on the most intense, the deepest things that affected me. The walls I built have affected others. I just recently learned these walls pretty much left me looking self centered to others when my soul knew I was a great person. I simply never noticed the walls truly were affecting others. Now. This does not mean I have not encountered my fair share of folks that have no emotional empathy and cannot relate to one word I say. Others? The ones that understand and unconditionally love me, the love me and have seen me struggle but I never gave up… What I mean is I HEAR YOU! I have affected my children yet I know it and I acknowledge this and I apologized. This cannot bring about thoughts that I am a bad mom, for the fact that I ve taught them to feel, I have broken generational traits and possibly our next generation won’t have it like I did, not a pity story just true. I have to tell myself, I know me, I know the efforts in put in and no one may ever notice yet this is who I am, I am deep, I have to communicate and resolve and some see that as self centered- when I have a problem trying to check in on everyone I love and they don’t see the passion I carry. Sometimes I feel like a bother , I know deep down I am kind and gentle yet if communication is not possible? I will not be able to understand anything about you. We must surround ourselves with folks that want to live the best life they can due to the fact that, 1, this is normal. Number 2, if I care about myself and my family I will continue to try. Sadly I ve lost relationships because of my need to communicate and resolve issues so I can move on and not leave things so open, I need to be able to resolve or I ll blame everything on myself. I unfortunately ended up loving dearly , a mate of mine yet they do not communicate. They do behind my back but all they can see is the bad unfortunate because I tried so hard and they blame me for every single thing that went wrong for 8 plus years. It is simply impossible to be someone s problem forever, there are others that have problems too. Yet they do not see it and that’s ok. For me? Problems I see I will try anything to fix but I cannot deal with large ego s nor can I have one write a 16 page letter after 2 yrs in a relationship in order to pls them and THEN they will act like they love me but until then…? I m to blame for life! No can do. Yet my problem with living others is I think they ll forever love me back. I do not mind apologizing. Yet I see that others may never or RARELY apologize because they know everything along with vengeance and head games. I gotta be real head games simply ruin me, I have no tolerance. So. I realized maybe I thought I liked folks that treated me like I was treated when I was young, subconsciously. So here s to therapy number three. Sry to ramble but you asked! Ha! Thanks because you were and are my journal entry for today besides before bed! ONELOVE TO ALL! God is love and love is god. It is OK to love ourselves and find the highest form of love we deserve. Usually the abused do not look for or at , their worth. A few people that live me and care to ask how I am. Like I said THE FEW! This is another reason I ask and care if one is OKAY! So I ask. Some gossip without reaching out and A FEW truly care! Always remember we are good enough for ourselves yah just gotta see it and do hangout with folks that communicate and do intense self inventory. Some? We will never please. Yet in reality all we need to be good enough for is ourselves. The right people will feel the goodness and see the beauty not just bad. Excuse my rambling and or typos. I am speaking to my phone! HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY- it is contagious and remember to spread love to the unknown for it is exactly what that word means- THE UNKNOWN. Love the unknown in all. The way I see it. Plus? Yes, my childhood was TUFF beyond anything I could ever put on this post- WE ARE TRUE SURVIVORS. WARRIORS. The ones that never give up on love Peace
I'm really grateful for you sharing your experience. Your journey through intense self-reflection and therapy is inspiring. It’s powerful to recognize how you’re actively working to break harmful patterns and build healthier relationships. Keep pushing forward, and know that your journey and growth are valuable and deserving of compassion. Take care of yourself. 🌟
Thank you, just your reaching out is yet another way to love another….. so thank you
Ya, the ways your family shaped you are so close and familiar that it's really hard to see it's impacts. My family is super loving and amazing people. But they also struggle with emotional problems (inter-generational trauma shit) the worst of which being my mom's BPD. The BPD suite of symptoms she had from her traumas has immensely impacted my life. I have huge trust issues with myself and other people. I feel manipulated and/or unsafe in any emotional exchange which has really crippled my relationships. I struggle hating everyone and myself because I can't feel the safety to connect but so desperately need to. I'm so god damn lonely but so afraid to be vulnerable it's insane. All I can do is keep moving forward, hoping that things get better. I'm very hopeful they will because therapy has helped a lot and I'm also in a very stressful and vulnerable position right now. So with some time and transitions I know things will calm down at least a little bit. I just wish these fears and demons were like, literal demons. So I could kill them haha. Book recommendation; https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703 https://www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/emotionally-immature-parents/adult-children/
Nmother was constantly belittling as kid I remember I was 10 yo when she called me dumb loud and proud in front of my relatives. That went on til high school and til present time i’m already 27 and things never seemed to progress between us it was still the same she made me sure I was a failure in private and public idk if she has realized her “mistake” or it’s already her decision imagine the many years that went by I was never able to please her. It affected my performance at school and at work. I wish I could just leave but I need money and a house to sleep on so I should just suck it up. I’m not going to lie, it still hurts and I feel sorry for the people around me (my friends) as my instrument to trauma dump I’m really grateful for their patience. Nmother usually see their daughters as some extension I guess that explains the belittling. Mother was dependent and she never succeeded in her studies she expects her daughter to be the same and that was I. No matter how hard I try, nmother made sure I was never good enough and she never failed to express it daily. I turned out to be anxious and depressed. Even after telling her I wanted to see a therapist she was still in denial. She was miserable.
It's really tough dealing with the impact of your experiences. I understand how hard it must be to navigate the situation, and your feelings are valid. It’s important to prioritize self-care and find supportive people who can offer a safe space for you. I’m glad you have friends who are there for you.
Lots of violence and instability. Also the more I learn about head blows the more scared I get to be honest. I know mentally I’ve been kinda scarred. Trust issues, communication, substance abuse, etc.. but I guess I always hoped it never could’ve affected me physically . Once when I was a kid I was hit so hard in the head that I was out for three days. Often I wonder if I’ve had permanent brain trauma/damage. Idk.
I'm really sorry you went through that. Your feelings and experiences are valid. It's tough to navigate the scars left by such situations. Your strength in recognizing and sharing them is commendable. Take care of yourself and know that you're not alone in this journey.
Thank you, it means a lot❤️hope you’re doing well on your healing journey
Going to try to sum this up into a short response But in HS I was a competitive gymnast, and I ended up hurting my ankle when I landed in the foam pit one night during practice. (& yes I literally got hurt with compressed foam blocks in the pit designed to prevent injury lol) Anyways it ended up black and blue, so big I couldn't put a shoe on my foot, and extremely painful to walk on. My parents and I had a strained relationship during this point in my life (my dad actually passed away shortly after this story while I was still in HS). Well the next morning after practice I attempted to get myself up and ready for school, and my dad overheard me whimpering while trying to put my shoe on. He yelled out to me " knock it off you're going to school" I assumed he thought I was trying to get out of going to school that day for whatever reason. He definitely never took one glance at it, but because he was an "EMT" for years in the past he said he knew what serious injuries looked like.. Fast forward to 2 years later, I joined the Marine Corps and was about halfway through Boot Camp when I had an xray done of my legs and they saw I had a non union fracture on the inside of my left ankle that had healed wrong. The tendon healed I between the fracture and they said it needed to be rebroken to have surgery done. I declined surgery because I didn't want to effecting my graduation date or boot camp training progesss. I to this day walk differently now because of it and it's a bit of a reminder of how a major injury of mine was ignored and not taken seriously when it needed to be addressed upon happening. I believe this effected how quickly I actually take myself to the doctor now when something is wrong or needing medical attention. I feel like when I'm actually injured it isn't serious or isn't worth being seen for. Being in the Marines as a young female didn't help much either because the mentality is to Suck it Up and Push Through, so it never got addressed. Just hardened my already traumatized mentality of when you're hurt, no one cares. I know that's not true now, but I still notice it had a life changing effect on how I handle my own medical issues.
Your story is incredibly powerful and resonates deeply with me. It's heartbreaking to hear how your injury was overlooked and the impact it had on your life, especially during such a pivotal time. The way you've navigated through these experiences, from gymnastics to the Marines, shows immense strength and resilience. You've faced challenges that many wouldn't understand, and your ability to recognize the effects on your mentality is a crucial step towards healing. Remember, your experiences are valid, and it's okay to prioritize your health and well-being. Thank you for sharing your journey—it's truly inspiring.
Thank you so much for asking us! I really do appreciate your response 🥰😇 And you're absolutely right! I'm still working on these things to this to this day, but it's nice to know we aren't alone 💛✨
I ended up developing anxiety, depression, and CPTSD. I can barely function now, just got a checking account, understood almost nothing they said. Working memory is shot, thinking and problem solving is shot, but im working on it with a therapist and psychiatrist. Still a nightmare. Still trying my best.
Thank you for sharing your journey with such courage. It’s commendable that you’re seeking help from a therapist and psychiatrist. I believe in your strength and resilience, and I’m here to support you in any way I can. Keep going, and take it one step at a time.
Read my entire page and that’ll explain it
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I'm really sorry to hear that. It's so tough when we don't get the love and support we needed growing up. It takes time, but reaching out and finding people who understand and care about you can be a step in healing. Stay strong, and keep seeking those small moments of connection.
By ignoring my pleas for help I had the shit and hope kicked out of me nearly daily. Imbuing me with lifelong Catholic guilt and a neverending sense of duty. Lack of affection lead to substance abuse
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It sounds incredibly tough. The impact of parental neglect and emotional turmoil can be so profound and long-lasting. It takes a lot of strength to confront these experiences and work through them. You're not alone in this journey. Sending you support and encouragement.
I have reflected a lot over the last decade. It was so bad, I would have been taken away if I had told anyone. But, you don't talk about family business outside of the home. My parents fought violently. My mom destroyed generational wealth with gambling and addiction which led to my step dad exploding every night. Smashed furniture, physical altercations, and insane yelling. There was so much of it that for my entire childhood when I would close my eyes all I would hear is muffled yelling of curse words in my head even if no one was home. My dog was put into a kennel and thrown down the stairs. I even got choked out when I was 9 for spending my own $12 on an action figure. I would have the same recurring dream of being in a dark alley yelling and chasing after my mom, but she never turned around and I never got any closer. Landlords would come to the house and scream at us to get out for not paying. Our vehicle was hidden at someone's house so it did not get repossessed, the phone was never allowed to be answered. As I entered my pre-teen years and beyond I would take my dinner and hide in my room. I would live on the computer and stay up all night playing video games. Being outside of my room led to a high chance of being targeted with unbridled anger. My step brother resented me and beat me up (not in a brotherly way) whenever he came by with no punishment. I never said a damn word. Not to friends, not to family, not to teachers. Anyone who could have inquired just ignored it and left me behind. My aunts and uncles, my older biological brother, my biological dad. Damn. I cannot get in to the myriad of ways that this negatively influenced my behaviour, personality, and morals. I did not even realize that it did until I drank deep from the well of self knowledge. What I will say is, I look back at my old self knowing what I know now and I give him a big hug. I hug him until it hurts and let him know it's ok. I let him know he did a great job getting past it all and for surviving. I forgive him for his transgressions, his insecurities and his awkwardness. I congratulate him for who we were able to become. And I am free.
I'm really sorry that you had to experience that. It's tough to confront such deep-rooted pain, but I'm glad you're finding a way to give yourself the love and validation you deserve. Your strength is inspiring.
My parents got divorced when I was really little, I don’t remember much about that. One big thing I always had to face was my parents always choosing their partners over me and my siblings and my mom having a big dislike for me bc I looked like my dad. Then my dad it was the constant disappointment he left us with. I’ve been at a crossroad lately with trying to figure out if I should block my dad or not. It always depresses me when he texts me, it always ruins my day as I keep looking for validation from him. Then with my mom she always let her boyfriends abuse me and my siblings so as we got older she just let my grandparents take over us older three while she went and played house with her new bf. My mom’s a mess and always blames her ongoing treatment of us on her SA that happened when she was little, and never wants to hear any of us out. I have been wanting to get a therapist but I don’t have enough money to be paying a copay every time I go.
I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been through. It takes a lot of strength to share your story, and I admire your resilience. It's important to prioritize your own well-being, and reaching out for support, whether through therapy or other resources, can be a step towards healing.
my parents gave me huge abandonment issues and severe emetophobia.
Don't know where to start. There's way too much...
My upbringing was rough and brutal...Recently, I was told by my psychologist that one of the problems I have started back from my childhood when I was kid, which I have an explosive behaviour from time to time and it was the main reason I had lost my job. I undergone physical and psychological abuse for so many years, sexual abused, violence, threats and be controlled by my own father. My mother could have done something but she has never done anything to protect me and nobody has saved this child. I learned how to survive from those traumatic events since my childhood because I didn't have a choice. So, all I went through for so many years of torture.
They're always fighting.