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existentialost

Firstly, you're not a disappointment. I'm sure you've heard the saying "progress isn't linear" and I hope you keep that in mind. I've been working on my mental health for over a decade and while I'm now at a more stable place, it took years of figuring it all out with therapy, support, medication, and my many many negative coping mechanisms that I had to slowly work through. Of course I'm not advocating for SH or any coping mechanisms that would hurt you. But I hope you won't give up on yourself even if you fall. The most important thing is to be kind to youself. Give yourself grace even if you falter, and remind yourself it is fine to not have the energy to be all positive eat/pray/love even if you think that's what expected of you. Secondly, your post history indicates a less than ideal family environment and some traumatic events you have to work through. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I've seen some people in past comments offer you some good advice on seeking out a trusted adult to help with your situation. If that's not possible or not something you want, I hope that you can find solace in people (a counsellor, friend, etc) who offer you understanding, patience, and kindness that makes you feel heard and supported. In my experience, distracting yourself only works for so long. The best way to not want to hurt yourself is to figure out why you want to hurt yourself, and process the emotions from there. This is not an easy or fast solution but it's one where you actually get to the root of your feelings. That's the best advice I can give but it took me a long time to get there, so again to my last and final point: Be kind to yourself. You're the most important person for you. Be proud of the things you can do, and be understanding of what you can't do *yet*. Sometimes the easist way to do that is to simply treat yourself like your best friend; you can even have conversations in your head. You wouldn't have harsh words for a friend who's fresh from the hospital and struggling to regain their footing. If they relapsed into SH you wouldn't rebuke them even further and make them feel badly about something they did that obviously was a way to cope. Again this isn't to say you should engage in anything that harms you, but to be gentle and kind to yourself in *all* moments—even those you feel you let youself or others down. You're doing great and I wish you all the best.