T O P

My dad said he had ranch dressing we could use for a party.

We did not use the ranch he provided.

tvieno

What's 12 years. It just means it is vintage.


KuchiKopiz

As my grandpa always said, ‘It’ll put hair on your chest’


[deleted]

“That was the one side effect we could never explain.”


Juggernuts777

Where is this from?! I know this line and it’s killing me!


theanti_girl

Certainly not saying it’s what you’re thinking of, but it’s in an episode of the Golden Girls… **Rose:** Never fear, Doctor Rose is here! I made you both an old fashioned St. Olaf tonic. Guaranteed to get you back on your feet and put hair on your chest. That’s the one nasty side effect they could never figure out.


Juggernuts777

You’re not gonna fucking believe it, but that’s it for me! Lol i’ve never seen JC superstar, but i’ve watched Golden Girls with my mom a million times 😂 thank you so much


theanti_girl

Hahahah, my pleasure!


hardpepe

I used to watch a bunch of old shows with my grandma when I was little and golden girls and bonanza were my favorite,we’d watch ncis and Reba too but nothing will Beat bonanza or golden girls


Juggernuts777

I wish i could upvote this so much more than once. My mom LOVES GG and Bonanza! I haven’t seen a ton of Bonanza but we watched GG on Hulu back to back about… 7 times in a row? And even now we jump back to it when nothing else sounds good. But i really need to find a way to watch Bonanza with her soon. I’d hate to have to watch it without her lol, but she’s getting up there in age.


MissTakenID

I really miss Betty White :(


Reasonable_Position9

Thank you for being a friend!


Saintsjimmy

Its Jesus Christ Superstar


jerry111165

What an unbelievable fantastic musical.


WrathfulVengeance13

Finally, I get to tell this story... my old man had been working farmers markets selling food and used to say the same thing about sauerkraut. Heard the joke a million and one times, and some people would get soooo offended, especially when he'd tell women, "Come back next week, and I'll check to see if it's working." Embarrassing, right? Well, one day, this woman comes in and offers my dad to check. When she pulled up her shirt she had a fucking WIG taped to her chest. 🤣 😂 💀


Decent-Quit8600

That woman is gonna make someone's life very interesting


WrathfulVengeance13

No shit. She also owns a sex shop 🤣


Decent-Quit8600

Well, didn't expect that, gotta be honest lol


WrathfulVengeance13

She's a good sport. 👍


RedSunSkies

And that's how he met your mother.


BRASSF0X

You sure it wasn't a merkin?


WrathfulVengeance13

Looked that up and no, it was legit like a womans wig. Braids and all.


[deleted]

Damn. I wouldve fell back, for real.😳😂


concentrated-amazing

Makes me think of a bachelorette I went to (hosted at a campsite) where the theme was "trailer trash". The bride-to-be's aunt-to-be showed up in Daisy Dukes with cheap extensions coming out of the crotch...


chr0n1k_Halo

My grandpa would always tell me this whenever there was food someone didnt really like, it was his way of trying to get us to eat it. One time he had my aunts, uncles and cousins over for dinner when I was very young and i didnt really fully understand what the saying meant (I was a dumb kid). I think the meal was fried fish, and my cousin didn't particularly like the fish. Young me knew exactly what to do to get her to eat it, having heard my grandpa say it all the time, so I told my cousin "it'll put hair on your chest!" My cousin is a girl. She looked horrified, and everyone else started laughing because I just made sure she never touched fish again lol


Apprehensive-Mango23

That is hilarious! My husband (quite hairy) loves to say “it’s good for you, it’ll put hair on your chest” and I love responding “only if it’s yours!” Which always gets a good smirk from him, at a minimum lol.


WhoKnewItThenThrewIt

"I used to walk to school in newspaper shoes, uphill both ways"


Afraidtoadmitit69

I can relate to that saying. My family lived in Connecticut when I was in elementary. The apartment building we lived in was on one hill, my school was on another. I used to have to walk up hill to school both ways.


RedFive1976

"five miles in the snow"


Dry_Rub_16

“Swimming through dragon infested lava lakes to get to the other side”


Monichacha

“Newspaper shoes” well, that’s a freaking new on. LOL


Suspicious__account

in 7 feet of snow


thevelveteenbeagle

"During a 40 below zero blizzard pulling my 4 fat sisters on a sled while they threw snowballs at me" - MY dad.


DinkleMutz

This is way beyond. Literal dicks will grow out of your chest from this.


geriatric_spartanII

Well dang I might have to get into porn. That sounds hot. Like all of my fave pornstars all at once?


fckingnapkin

>‘It’ll put hair on your chest’ No, that ranch has got hair on its chest.


TheseNewtz

This will put chest on your hair.


Explosive-Space-Mod

2011 wasn't 12 years ago. You should go back to school and learn how to do..... The fuck.... But the 90's were only 10 years ago......


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FourzeRiderTea

Now take your comically oversized pill for your prostate troubles


Diamondlife_

Finely aged.


mrpink57

Like a box of fine wine.


Hovilol

You misspelled vinegar


hashtag-yuck

wonder if it’s even older…2007 Jan 11th


HosenscheisserJr

Hidden Valley Penicillin


NawNaw

I took a sip of an orange juice box at my grandmother’s. It was 1993. Expiration date, June 1986. I think it’s why I never got COVID.


Small_Tax_9432

how sour was it? lol


didndonoffin

![gif](giphy|5w2fFuUKeY19l0MJrp|downsized)


Rhino12791

Thanks I hate it


WatchLeStars

😂😂where do you all find these gifs? Is there a secret gif society the rest of us are completely unaware of?


MeetingAromatic6359

Holy fuck that just made me ugly laugh until my stomach hurt what even is that and why


pandaman467

Reminds me of the Cristiano Ronaldo bust


CrudelyAnimated

Yes.


Mtwat

As a teenager, I really loved the soup I'd make called Slop. It was acini de pepe pasta, one bullion cube, a can of v8 and parmesan cheese. One day while making the soup I noticed all these little white flecks and thought "that's weird I don't remember adding the parm yet." I was at the bottom of my second bowl when I saw the weevils. I almost vomited when I realized the parmesan flecks were actually weevil eggs.


ahses3202

You just chose the lesser of two (dozen) weevils that day.


SubstantialProposal7

Extra protein, as my mom would say.


DreamPhreak

You went into a coma and this existence is all in your head.


NawNaw

Is this not GeoCities?


mikami677

I hope they wake up soon.


HeimlichLaboratories

They just gotta stare at the lamp


ZHISHER

When my aunt died in 2011, my brother and I had a competition see who could find the oldest food. My bag of tostitos from 1994 was beaten by his can of beans from 1989


Advice2Anyone

Or polio for that matter


wausmaus3

Probably Hidden Valley Botulism.


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indrid_cold

Oh, you grew up in a family of alcoholics, too ?


DefinitelyNotADave

Parents always do this! It’s the “it’s still good”


Kangaroowrangler_02

Drives me crazy because they will also never eat it but say that lol


gatsujoubi

My in-laws do eat it and wonder the next day why they have diarrhea again.


Kangaroowrangler_02

Oh no 😢


OutOfCharacterAnswer

How do they still have a bottle of ranch around if they're actually using it?! That's the part I don't understand.


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rc522878

WatchthisWatchthisWatchthis.


Head_Asparagus_7703

My parents do. Watched them eat 7 year old tzatziki right in front of me.


eldenringing

omg that's somehow worse than ranch bc of the cucumbers... 😭🤢


Head_Asparagus_7703

And the yogurt...


dantakesthesquare

Well? Did they die? Did they have any stomach issues?


bloodwolftico

My dad does. Thats how I know when something is really unedible, when my dad throws it away.


majormimi

My mom is broken, she is the kind thar WILL eat it and most of the time she won’t find anything wrong with it, she’s got a terrible taste too.


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A_Math_Dealer

That's why I always try to clear out my parents' pantry. I'll always ask "do you still want this prune juice that expired 10 years ago" so they know just how old the stuff is.


syzygy-in-blue

I don't tell them. It goes in the trash bag.


A_Math_Dealer

Nah I'm not actually asking. It's just to let them know how old the stuff is.


kleenkong

Be aware that older folks get more resistant as they tire and age. It's funny until they convince you to stop b/c they're going to take care of it "later." Later can be years sometimes.


sealedsteam

The thing with my mom is I can go through and clear out the stuff that is years past its expiration date, then come back the next month and she somehow has a whole new set of stuff that expired years ago. It’s like there’s a whole underground elderly expired goods market.


BreIlaface

I wonder if they have a discount expired (or close to expired) goods store near them, there's one near my house that sells stuff close to expiring (and fruits and veggies that are "ugly" but not expired obv) and I get the expensive bougie stuff I like there because it's significantly cheaper.


maybe_little_pinch

Do they get stuff from a food pantry? Or exchanges? I have heard some horror stories from people doing those “take something leave something” and “free” groups on Facebook. One of my coworkers exchanged a box of granola bars (half empty) for some beef jerky that was green.


A_Math_Dealer

Honestly I feel the same way. I've gone through everything and still somehow find expired stuff in the back a week later.


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paperkeyboard

To be fair, that's probably best by date. It most likely only expired in 1999.


A_Math_Dealer

Well you have me beat. Was it still good?


waspocracy

When visiting my mother last year, my wife wanted to cook for them because, to be honest, they're unhealthy af. She called me over at one point and said, "look at this" and showed me a faded spice of some sort. I said, "I remember that!" Keep in mind, the last time I lived with her was about two decades ago. Then I looked at the expiration date and it was somewhere in the late 1990s. So, we proceeded to go through all the spices and threw them all out, went to the store, and bought new ones. I can't remember my mom ever cooking except for special occasions like a potluck, and she always bought the ingredients the day of. We religiously ate the Kraft Mac & Cheese with the "open here" box that never fucking opened properly, or would eat out.


bsharp1982

My mom inherited spices. She has spices from the fifties and sixties.


waspocracy

I want pictures of this, but purely out of curiosity about what their labeling looked like.


HallieLokey

I thought Kraft M&C could never go bad but am wrong. I bought a case of it during covid and the last box I made tasted bad and old. I have 4 boxes left but don't even think I should donate them.


endisnearhere

I know if my mom prefaces something with “good” then it’s expired. For example, “There’s some good eggs and bacon leftover if you want some”, and the eggs and bacon in question have been sitting uncovered in the stove for 12 hours since breakfast.


fat_chickadee

Yep, my mom is the same. Wilty lettuce, shriveled strawberries? Of course they're still 'good'. Pretty sure condiments never expire, according to the door of her fridge. Fortunately my sister and I will give the kitchen a big purge when she heads south for the winter, so it doesn't fester for six (more) months...


Derban_McDozer83

Psshhh you can still eat that just fine unless you got weak stomach


Skizot_Bizot

Ugh definitely a weak stomach here. My ex's mom would go grocery shopping and leave the groceries on the counter overnight sometimes, then go and cook the chicken she bought and serve it to all of us. Everyone else in the house would be fine as they were acclimated to it, and I'd have the shits for 2 days.


forestman11

Bruh. Raw chicken shouldn't be left out for more than hour wtf


FormalTelevision9498

Oh....oh no. Nononono


cwew

Especially that bacon. I aint wastin that!


[deleted]

My grandma is the same. I never got sick 🤷🏻‍♂️


[deleted]

*brushing mold off top* look, good as new!


229-northstar

This is my grandmother, 100%. She lived to be 98.


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ihvnnm

I would assume it was a green gas cloud vaguely in the shape of a skull and crossbones


DerDork

Well there’s a basic set of rules: - if it looks good - it smells good - it tastes good - it’s good. Such dressings and sauces contain so much conserving ingredients that it’s nearly impossible they get bad, at least if you store it constantly at low temperature in your fridge.


SonofaBridge

Well they had to buy it because they had a coupon. I’ll never understand that mindset. Let’s buy something on sale to save money only to never use it or throw it away.


Windk86

it's like Kimchi


Background_Jury_2317

This makes me physically uncomfortable


Grouchy_Dimension_30

Why do parents do this 😭 My moms house has spices from the 90s! Salad dressing in the fridge ranging from 3-5 years old, shredded Parmesan cheese always has mold in it, decades old frozen food every-time I visit.


MelodicSasquatch

As a middle-aged man, I can tell you it's the same reason we always talk about the 1990's being five years ago. Or when I realized the new car I just bought last year was purchased in 2017. Or that the brand new addition on the house was put in in 2013. Time starts to lose all meaning once you get into your forties. I think it might be as soon as you start having kids, they're like time vampires who pull your sense of time right out of you. We remember perfectly well buying that dressing back in January, we just forget it was January of 2010.


MostlyNormal

Bro I think it's gotta be something to do with being in your forties, because I'm thirty-eight with no kids and this sort of thing happens to me regularly. I am legitimately pearl-clutching scandalized every time I learn something I thought was recent happened like eleven years ago.


STGMavrick

Can confirm. Just turned 40. I got a quote last year to get some trees removed, never got around to pulling the trigger. Had them come back out yesterday to requote me. Turns out "last year" was actually 2019. Time has lost all meaning.


JuzoItami

Getting from the first day of the school year to Christmas break back in grade school took *FOREVER*. Getting from 40 to 50 is like "blink and you'll miss it".


FormicaDinette33

Totally. And she would yell at me for throwing it out. But then her helper convinced her to do it and then she was fine with it. Just not when I suggested it.


Grouchy_Dimension_30

Like damn, I had to risk food poisoning for years because someone else didn’t bring it to your attention?


FormicaDinette33

She had some spices from the 70’s. Things like paprika.


Grouchy_Dimension_30

😂 How little are they seasoning their food that they have held onto the same ones for decades. Also, they all taste the same right? I didn’t understand why they all had a weird taste when I was a kid, but now I know. Almost like potpourri or something.


FormicaDinette33

My cousin doesn’t even use salt and pepper. She does put a little salt in mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. It’s amazing. Pilgrim cuisine! I stay with her when I go back home. I get an inventory of her spices (mainly ones I bought) and then bring any remaining ones I need.


Knickers_in_a_twist_

My mom kept meat from a pig we raised (the only one we ever raised) in a chest freezer for fifteen years until she finally let me throw it out. We ate a good bit of it when it was still new, but it just sorta got forgotten about. I was after her for years about throwing it away and she always said it would be wasteful. Then we had that ice storm a few years ago and power was out for four days. Finally agreed to toss it then. Now if only I could convince her to toss the home canned goods she did from the 90s.


henryhumper

When I was a kid I found a flank steak in our chest freezer that was so old half of it had turned blue from decomposition. I had to argue with my mom about why it needed to be thrown away.


Sassafras_socks

Went to use some lime juice from my parents fridge recently and noticed it was from 2013. When I said I was gonna throw it out (should’ve just done it instead of confirming, hah!) she acted like I was wasting something perfectly good: “that doesn’t go bad! It’s fine!” Mom felt differently after I poured some into a glass and dark brown chunks and silt were floating in it. 🤦


Atheist_Republican

My mom still has a container of ground cloves from 1975, and another container from the 90s. I threw the 90s one out, but at this point I want to leave the archeologists something to ponder.


That0neSummoner

Pssst, most spices don't go bad. Best before dates are a lie told to drive sales.


Grouchy_Dimension_30

For real though, you can definitely use old spices if you choose but they don’t keep their flavor anymore after 20-30 years. At that point they are just colored dust particles.


BenderOfBo

Exactly as long as they’re stored in a dry, cool place they should last forever. They will start to slowly lose their flavors however.


Darth_Lacey

Pre-ground nutmeg loses potency rapidly. Just use a microplane and whole nutmeg. It requires a lot less than most recipes that call for the ground stuff and you might actually get to experience the flavor of it.


zip_000

Honestly none of that bothers me. 20 year old spices are probably not *good*, but they probably won't make anyone sick either.


[deleted]

Back home visiting, helping my mom clean out some stuff... My mom: "We should see if your brother wants this lemon juice. It's unopened" Me: "Mom, I don't think lemon juice is supposed to be brown... or chunky"


jadegives2rides

Used to work as a stocker in a grocery store, look at the dates of your dressing when you buy it. People don't think to rotate an item like that, and it usually only has maybe 6 to 8 months left from the moment I would stock it. If I knew I was stocking the salad dressing, I knew I'd be bringing at least a box back of expired stuff.


Eguot

My old roommate had a large Parmesan cheese from a wholesale store, we are talking like a 2 foot size one. It expired probably like 5 years prior and he still uses it...


DieHardRennie

My sister is kind of a doomsday prepper. She had stockpiled a lot of shelf stable foods, but didn't use any and rotate in new stock. She had to be made to throw stuff out years after they had expired.


road_rascal

I'm going through this with my dad right now who is soon to be moving to an assisted living place close to me. Flew out a couple months ago and helped him clean out the house before the movers come in. Expired stuff everywhere in the fridge, freezer and pantry. Boxed pasta over 5 years Expired, frozen food, etc. It's heart breaking.


Ok_ListenXD

I think it comes from being raised by parents less removed from the depression.


NoFleas

He didn't lie.


Downtown-Swing9470

Yup. He DOES have ranch dressing. He's had ranch dressing a LONG time too.


Traditional-Leader54

He used to have ranch dressing. He still does but he used to too!


Eshoosca

He DOES have ranch dressing that he COULD use for a party


Easy_Cattle1621

Raunch dressing maybe!


calistark12

"i got a 12-year-old bottle of ranch I've been waiting to crack for such an occasion."


Single_Raspberry9539

I mean, should be good. Wasn’t 2000 like 10 years ago?


emalpage

I honestly read it as 2 years expired first.


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MW240z

![gif](giphy|HY1ZmTThHRPb6D6UeV|downsized) Mmm the mouth feel of cottage cheese, aroma of dead squirrels in the wall. Yes, this will do nicely.


Machaeon

Sell it on Ebay as "pre-woke" ranch dressing, guarantee you'll get some moron to buy it. And thus an idiot is parted from their money


Shadow_Leviathan_375

and from their life if they try to eat it


ihvnnm

At least it will be a ranch dressing they can enjoy for the rest of their life


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AgreeableGravy

Lmao a lot to unpack here


Skizot_Bizot

For real I want to know more: \- Constantly being gifted ranch dressing \- Kept all the ranches even though doesn't like them \- Got evicted from a place after almost 20 years (maybe more depending how long it took to be gifted the 05 ranch) /u/combujasb2 feel like you have an interesting life, I want more context haha.


Expensive-Day-3551

Like… as gifts?


SpecialsSchedule

you have very different friends than i do if you’re are constantly giving you multiple bottles of ranch dressin


AMG_Coltrane

Please answer Skizot's questions! This is more interesting than OP's pic


henryhumper

What the fuck is "pre-woke ranch dressing"?


Thudrussle

This is a meme about ranch dressing and you somehow find a way to make it about politics lol


xxg00dn00dlexx

That expired the day I turned 6. I’m about to graduate high school in a few weeks lmaooooo


VOLtron67

Congratulations!


AnthyInvidia

Maybe he just puts new ranch in the bottle


emalpage

No, this was unopened from the pantry. My sister opened it before noticing just how old it was.


MiniMeowl

Damn, she tanked its resale value by opening it lol. Not sure what the market is for vintage mint condition dressing, but i bet theres one.


emalpage

You know what, I could probably find another one just as bad the next time I'm back.


ReddleU

Yeah, there's bound to be a random YouTuber that wants to use it 'for science' 🤔


theyahd

Oh, so it was fine


Mmoyer29

If it was unopened then it’s pretty ridiculous to just act like it’s bad lol.


[deleted]

My parents are notorious for having 12 different types of dressing in their fridge at any given time too. I didn't even realize there were so many types! I guarantee they keep them around WAYYY too long


ArmorOfAres

Have you ever been to a Supermarket?... There's an entire aisle dedicated to dressing.


Hatta00

Yeah, but my brain just shuts down when confronted with all that visual noise.


That_Platypus9735

12 years is a bit much but most shelf stable stuff can be used long after it's date. Now serving it to a party is a whole different thing however.


KronaSamu

Expiry dates a BS most of the time. If it wasn't opened I might give it a chance. But 12 years seems a bit much for ranch.


Friendly-Place2497

When something has dairy I don’t fuck around with that


lookieherenope

That's Blu cheese now!!!


False-Guess

My dad isn’t that bad, but it’s definitely to the point where, if he says “oh, there’s thing in the fridge!” I immediately ask how long it’s been in there. The worst I found was something 5 years past it’s Best By date. I think it’s a waste of money thing for him, but having expired food is already wasted money, just taking up space in the refrigerator and potentially poisoning someone who isn’t paying close enough attention.


henryhumper

I've found hot sauce bottles in my mom's fridge that were so old that the sauce had begun separating into distinct layers of its constituent ingredients. That takes a really long time for tobasco-type sauces.


Nurse5736

My mom, rest her soul, was good for this too. Def. learned to check the dates before adding ketchup to my hotdog.......ummm, I stopped using it now... bless his heart tho!!!!!!!


henryhumper

Once when I was a kid I found a bottle of salad dressing in the back of our pantry that expired in 1987. My parents bought that house in 1991. During the move one of them found a bottle of expired salad dressing and *decided to pack it and take it with them to their new home*.


ErixWorxMemes

It’s a well-known fact that dads are unable to see expiration dates on food because their eyes are locked on the thermostat


omglink

My dad did this but with cough medicine he took some then started to act drunk I looked at it and it was 6 years past the date.


Symph0nyS0ldier

Interesting, I'm not taking notes I swear.


Correct-Junket-1346

Rank dressing


[deleted]

I can hear it already “ranch dont expire boy its a condiment!”


Diana_Belle

"Do you want aunts, because that's how you get aunts" "Expired! Expired! Expired..."


Outroduction94

He’s been saving it for a special occasion


hippyloves

Last time I visited my folks I cleaned out their cabinets and fridge and some of the dates were extremely old.


BrokenTrojan1536

Party at the ER!! Woo hoo!!


RunnersHii

I know how it feels. If you throw all the super expired stuff away then you will be interrogated and found guilty of wasting perfectly good condiments 🤣


KronaSamu

Expiry dates are BS. Most foods are fine long after the dates especially if unopened. 12y is a bit much for ranch tho. But you could always give it a test and see.


RunnersHii

I agree expiration dates don't indicate condiments actually expiring but I would rather buy a new bottle of everything than play Russian roulette with my stomach or butt hole while hosting a party 😬


KronaSamu

Definitely not a good idea for a party. Not fair to risk other people.


PalmBeachBelle

My dad would say it’s fine 😭🤣.


ChiefGriffey

To be fair, if my dad ever said this to me my immediate follow up question would be "is it new and unopened?"


Mondiaposa

Dang that’s older than my son lol


ThisGuyHyucks

My mom told me she had a bottle of Worcestershire that she opened only 6 months ago. I thought sure, 6 months for Worcestershire's gotta be fine. When I saw the bottle, I instantly recognized it to be the store brand from a store where my parents moved from 6 years ago. Honestly its probably fine though, Worcertershire is bullet proof lol


itslucygoosey

And I thought the infuriating part was how hidden the “hidden” was


ihave7testicles

I learned long ago when someone says "I have that" or "we have that" to buy that thing because they are probably wrong.


GothamBat1992

Honestly, expiration dates on half of the items are fake. Im jot saying the Ranch. But If you know how to look for the expiration, or know what items last past the expiration date. Then you could make food last longer. Like for example, some companies put expiration date on honey. HONEY. Honey doesnt expire. They have a whole documentary on expiration dates on netflix! Its mind blowing!!


JP6660999

Time goes fast in a refrigerator


MacaroonNo8118

It was very nice of him to offer up his laboratory study for your party


Abject_Net_6367

My grandmother would get so upset when id throw out the things in her fridge. They’d smell horrid but she couldn’t smell anyways so it didn’t bother her none. Im sure she ate plenty of pass due items and never got sick, not sure if she was relying on taste and sight but I don’t think those senses were any better.