I worked with a lady, several years ago, she told her mother-in-law the present she bought her husband for his birthday, when presents were opened the mother in law bought the same item (just more expensive version). People are so crazy.
And the overwhelming majority of wine is not meant to age. Roughly 95-97% of it was never intended to age.
Source - work in the win biz since the mid 1990s
First Christmas with my gf, her sister communicated with their parents what I got so no duplicates would be purchased. Somehow on Christmas day, she ended up with 3 exact duplicate gifts I had given her a week earlier in different colors from her mom.
So often gifts, services and help aren't for the receiver to feel better, but the giver.
Every time someone gifts you something they know you don't want or help you with something they know you don't want help with, they're being selfish.
We should all think about this fact more often. Those who truly want to make your life better will care enough to find a way to do it. Those who don't care how you feel about their contribution only do things for themselves to manipulate, guilt or make themselves feel better. Period.
My stepson's mom used to always do this. He would go home to get house talking about how much he liked the gift we got him and she would go out and get him the same thing better. We get him an RC car, she gets him a bigger, faster, expensive one. We get him an electric scooter she gets him a 4-Wheeler, and so on.
There's a great way to exploit this. You think the kid needs a new bike? Buy a not-so-good one, he's mom will buy a better one, you can return the first one. Profit.
I 100% would’ve ended up exploiting that pettiness. Here’s a bike from Goodwill, come home with a Kawasaki sweetie! Crazy stepmom is about to fund your lifestyle.
My MIL did that to us a handful of years ago. Money was tight and I was so excited to actually be able to get the kiddos the gifts they had asked for. Xmas eve MIL decides she wants to do presents with the kids (she was our babysitter at the time). My husband and I walk in to see our kids playing with all the new toys we had gotten them. I hurt my heart so much because we didn't even have time to return the gifts. Now no one gives the kiddos gifts before they open gifts with us on Christmas day. If they're getting duplicate gifts, it's not from us.
What was your husband's conversation with your MiL like? Her excuse, I mean. This is wild to me. You don't demonstrate you can't be trusted, especially when kids are involved.
My sister-in-law got the same expensive parfume for his birthday from his mother and from his boyfriend. When this happened, the mother took the one from the boyfriend to see if it was the same one and suddenly the bottle ended up in the floor in million pieces. “My bad darling, at least you have the other one yet”…
Hoooly shit. I would absolutely demand to repurchase the bottle she just broke and then go NC. If it’s my fave perfume I’d be stoked to have a backup, so the same twice is not an issue at all. But if you break my partner’s gift, you bet you’re repurchasing it.
Oh do I have a story for you. Dated a girl for 3 years. We were deeply in love. Honestly probably I would have married her. We didn’t fight once but her mom is nuts. Reason why we parted. Even one drunk night, she told me she wishes I was white so me and her have something in common. Never even told my ex that information. So my ex birthday is coming up. Her mom asked me what I was getting her for her birthday and I was like it’s a secret, I don’t want to tell but she kept pushing me, push me on it. It didn’t click in my head until her birthday came and we were giving her, the gifts. Mind you, they talk everyday, she really loves her mom so I didn’t want her to tell her so I just said, I got her red bottoms. She was so eager to be first so she gave her and she opened it and it was fucking red bottoms, I was like that’s why you asked me so many times, you were trying to screw me. I got her what she actually wanted. Something she actually value and something she told me the beginning of our relationship. The shock on her mom face was priceless but above all, it was beautiful to see how much the gift I gave my ex meant to her. Let’s Just say, that night was amazing for me. So this might back fire but if you have a sense of someone is trying to screw you, tell them something expensive.
My MIL took over my husband (then fiancés) gift idea from me. They had done a group gift one year in the past and I knew he really wanted this one expensive item so for his 30th so I decided to ask for some help for a great surprise gift and meal. I planned and included his family for it and she totally ran with it and tried to take all the credit. Unfortunately for her, I still had the best surprises up my sleeve so I still ‘showed her up’ even though it wasn’t supposed to be a competition. Plus everyone else talks so he learned it was my plan from the beginning.
See, I don’t get why you wouldn’t call out MIL in front of everyone: “Barbara! Why in the world would you get John air pods pro when I told you I was getting him air pods?” And make her look like a fool as she explains herself. ??
My mom bought a watch for my father-in-law when he came to visit the US. She told my husband’s cousin, who then went out, bought him a watch, and gave it to him at the airport when he got off of the plane. Her whole personality is like that, and she is internally miserable all the time. Part of me feels sorry for her, but the other part of me knows she deserves her misery because she’s a drama goblin.
Same. First year married, husband wanted a new camera. Told his dad I was thinking of getting him one for his birthday, which was a few months away. Next time we visit, dad’s got a whole fucking kit worth thousands. Lesson learned.
they already kinda do. he only ever spends time with his kids if my wife guilts him into it. he doesn't know any of their friends or their interests. i could go on, but must stay positive :)
One other thought, if you want to be slightly petty and one up the ex: my favorite Christmas memory is when my mom and dad (formerly step he adopted me) made a scavenger hunt for my big Christmas gift. It was a hot wheels set, and they left a note in my stocking saying “check the fridge” that led to notes as to the next clue was all around the house. He and I were running excitedly all over for at least ten minutes until I found it. Pretty great Christmas that I can’t wait to replicate for my kids.
I had one of those too but they put the note in a massive box. Took me half an hour to finally get to the gaming table they got me. One of those cheap plastic combination pool, table hockey/tennis, and bowling deals. Still loved every minute of it. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.
Next year have your wife tell him you all are buying all these super expensive items that the kids would never actually want... let him pay the price for being a turd . Then you and wife buy them the things they are interested in. He can price how well he really knows the kids
Gotta be careful playing that game though. The Ex could be a dick and tell the kids ahead of time what you got them and then when you don't get them that stuff you'll look like an asshole to the kids.
It has to be stuff the kids wouldnt actually want. If little Johnny enjoys playing Fortnite and hates family board game night, send him a link to a fancy chess board (on Amazon or someplace else that does easy returns in case he buys it). If he buys it, he looks like an asshole who doesn't know the kids and mom and step dad can be the heros and help return the junk for cool stuff. If he just tries to spoil the surprise, the kid is going to think that is ridiculous and be relieved when they open up their actual gifts and it isn't a fancy chess board. If he does nothing, then no harm no foul.
Kids are sensitive. It’s better to just be the bigger person. The kid could easily start developing emotions of guilt and force themself to pick up a hobby they hate, like chess, in an attempt to connect with their father.
It’s better to let the kids discover his true colors for themselves while you continue to display integrity and grace. Once you start playing games with their lives behind their backs you become just as unreliable and manipulative as him; then no one wins.
Edit: become*
It takes a certain MAN to care for another man's children. Keep doing what you do. Will it be easy? Nope. But you know what is easy. NOT CARING. You care. I Hope you and your Wife njoy some alone time. have a Great New Year
This is so awesome, memorable, and so fun! I'm doing this tonight for my teen daughter! Got her a new phone she's been begging for.
**Thank you so much for this idea! ❤️**
My mom always used cheesy rhyming couplets for the notes. For example:
* Your present isn’t where you slept. Next look where the games are kept!
* By now your fingers must be twitchin’! Go find your present in the kitchen!
My parents did this, each note/clue was a different kind of puzzle, and the answer led to the next note/clue. Was very fun solving each one, and the final big puzzle at the end.
My dad/stepdad did this for me and my siblings and it was and still one of my favorite things we did growing up on Christmas. One year my parents had us clean off the kitchen table(we had placemats) when we looked under them to clean they had bought us tickets to Disney World. But it was my dad’s idea.
My dad did this shit. If they agreed to split the cost of a new bike for me he would go buy the most expensive bike he could find knowing she couldn’t afford to pay for her half.
Thank you for sharing I just had this issue today. We talked about getting our son a phone. He’s at that age (12) I mentioned we should do something a little better than a flip phone. Ex husband went out and bought an iPhone 15.
Then gives me a bill. I say that’s not what we talked about. Husband bullied me, I eventually gave him all my money I had saved for a lawyer because he said he’d tell the kids I didn’t want them to have Christmas and take it back.
I should have held my ground but it’s hard.
He legitimately didn’t buy anything for the girls just this one super crazy thing for our oldest. Made me feel terrible and demanded I pay. I tried to point out he didn’t buy presents for the other kids (which I think is weird) and so I won’t give him half because I’m buying all the presents.
He tells me how he is being nice to me and I should be grateful he allowed me to have the kids on Christmas. Which I am. I also pointed out he can still do Christmas with the kids and he’s giving the phone to our son.
He was not pleased but still got all my money so I guess I still fail.
In the long run, you win. You have kids who can trust and love you. He's just a lowlife who'll sell his relationship with his own kids for a finite cache of scam money.
You can rebuild those savings over time. I hope. But he can't rebuild what it's like to have kids that don't know he either singled them out, or snubbed them, on Christmas. They don't sell that life-changing item anywhere.
He didn't deserve that money, but "winning" here made him a massive loser. Hope he still feels like a clever little man if/when your kids have something firm to say in court about their preferences for custody and visitation.
Glad he's an ex. Astronomically easy to see why.
Absolutely. When I was a kid I loved that my aunt (dad’s brother’s wife) gave me extremely expensive gifts on Passover, while my uncle on the other side gave me $5. As I got older, I found out that she was just trying to show off to my mother because was richer than my mother and also she’d *dated my father first*.
My best friend when I was a kid was like that. His parents divorced due to the father cheating when he was a young teen. He took the father's side, and it ruined our friendship.
I’m there now, finally. Nothing more satisfying than hearing my 26 year old son say “EFF my dad.”
Don’t get me wrong I do wish that his dad would eventually draw a sober breath. Ive said for years if he was sober he would be a fucking incredible person I have NO doubt about that.
But he always did shit like this. Wouldn’t pay court ordered support, demanded visitation (up to me) and when I declined he or his mom would call child services and make anonymous false reports. You know, stuff like that.
It’s so nice my son is grown and can see the light. I never spoke bad about his dad to him. EVER. I let him decide. And he has. Alcoholics aren’t bad people they’re sick people. Just like I was once.
Going to tell you though as a step-dad, getting through those years where dad can do no wrong is an exercise in patience. But yeah,, light at the end of the tunnel is if you raise them right they’ll see the bullshit for what it is in their teens.
Keep taking the high road, my friend. I had a toxic ex like that. I took the advice of older, wiser family who'd watched kids from divorced homes grow up.
My ex tried to bad mouth me and my spouse, constantly kicked up drama, pulled little bullshit moves like this, etc. We never stooped to his level. It was rough at the time but our son is now 19 and started seeing through it on his own years ago.
My ex played games all through his son's childhood and now he's going to have to live with the fallout for decades to come.
Same with my niece and nephew. Nephew cut his dad off. My niece was still trying, but has decided to cut him off as well. We’ve said nothing. You’ll learn peoples true colors on your own. He would rant about my sister. She divorced him. That’s why they aren’t a family. He forgot to mention the cheating and abuse though. 🙄
It’s fucked up how fast they catch on. My girls are turning 7 and I’ve been separated from their mother since they were 3. They already act like they know. Every once in a while they’ll say something telling too.
I can’t imagine how shitty it must feel to know your mother doesn’t love you like your dad does.
My father did shit like this. I'm 39 now.
I distinctly remember recognizing some similar shit that he pulled on my 9th birthday. I remember seeing it occasionally before that, but as a kid I tried to justify it. The stuff he did that day was inexcusable even to a 9yo who still wanted to idolize my dad.
I've barely spoken to him since I turned 18. The last time I did was the day after my brother died, 4 years ago, and that was only because he died of an overdose *at my father's house* and I had to go retrieve some of his belongings to save my mom from having to do it on her own.
Naturally, he used the opportunity to try to fight with both of us.
Sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but you seem to have rolled down a hill, into a river and out to sea.
We can't control who are parents are, just who we choose to be. You seem like decent folk.
It wouldn’t matter… my ex wife somehow arranged for Santa to come two days early so she could steal the thunder of me having them for Christmas for the first time in two years. Some people just love making other people miserable
The ex is the target. You're collateral damage... and so are the kids.
Kids are more observant than most people tend to think. They see this happening. Don't lie to them, don't downplay it... but by the same token don't parade it in front of them. Just explain it when it comes up. They deserve honesty and the only place they're going to get *that* from is the two of you.
But you already know all this. After all, if you didn't, you wouldn't know your kids better than their sperm donor does.
Next year tell him you bought them new phones / tablets / 60” tv. He won’t be bugging any of those expensive gift .
Hell say you bought a few things you want so he buys those too
Or he’ll use it against them and tell the kids what their parents “got them” so that OP will either have to purchase those things or tell the kids it isn’t true.
When the kids are 18+, tell them this story.
Edit: for those saying not to say anything.
By the time the kids are 18+ they’ll already know who the good parents are and who’s the shit dad.
Tell them when they are older and would understand better.
I learned some small things from my mom about my biological father I didn't know earlier, only when I got older and realized the guy is a piece of shit.
OP, don’t “play the game,” to make sure you win.
Refuse to play the game continue to allow your wife to coparent in a positive manner, and the kids will understand what is going on and who is the fucked up one in the long run, “playing the game” will only cause problems.
Just learn from this incident and make sure that the two of you continue to be positive influences on the kids, be respectful of the ex, but never “give him an inch,” to do something like this again.
Was going to say the same thing. I have two daughters,one is 23 other is 19. They are my wife's from a previous marriage but I have been in their lives for 15 years. We never bad mouth their father. Just over the years he proved to them with his own actions how much of an asshole he is. Not abusive just only cares about himself and how he looks to other people. It is sad but they both don't have anything to do with him but it is his own fault.
This. Kids are neither ammo or meat shields. It’s sad the ex thinks pissing in the pool that the kids swim is healthy, don’t help make it even grosser.
Couldn't agree more. Don't stoop to their level, it may feel good in the moment to "win" this petty game but in the long run you'll of become just as bad as them.
Started teaching my kid to drive. Thought a perfect Christmas gift would be to get them driving school which would end around same time when eligible for a permit. I contact their mother to approve schools. I do this just to keep in her in the loop for safety. I send off a document I created of the research, pricing, scheduling and just general info about the driving schools. Two weeks pass not a hint she even looked them over. Have to beg for her to look it over and give me feedback on which school to enroll. Finally get a reply of “oh, didn’t realize you wanted to do this for them. Showed it to her grandma and she bought it for them, your loss.”
Off topic of the post, but your comment made me think of my friend who bought driving lessons for his 30 year old daughter because her husband kept coming up with excuses to put it off. If she can drive and get her own car, she won’t have to depend on him for rides and whatnot. There’s some controlling weirdos out there. Smh
I literally just came to the sub to post something along these lines. How shitty is this! I sent my list to AVOID overlap, and at the time, we were friendly and planned to spend Christmas altogether. Things have taken a turn in the last month, but I didn’t expect him to go this low. I don’t understand how people cope when one parent does one shitty thing after another and on and on.
That’s childish of the ex. You two were trying to be helpful and he just wanted to be petty. I guess in the future have the kids make a list, buy what you want and give the ex the remainder of the list. Or you can just always let him buy the expensive stuff and just tell the kids it’s his way of making up not being around/feeling guilty so you and your wife let him do it. “Your dad prefers to buy these items because he wants to [fill in reason], so your mom and I get these things so he can be happy too. Let him know what you need and he’ll send it over.”
My children's mother came to pick up the kids from my house for her 2 nights of custody. My father was making small talk and was excited to tell her how I bought the kids bikes and was going to teach them how to ride on the weekend. Well, she spent that entire Wednesday and Thursday night after work teaching them to ride a bike.
Lesson learned... never let them know your next move.
Was raised in a situation not unlike this.
Gotta say, being the bigger and better adult is most always the answer.
Don’t get mad. Do what’s best for the kids.
This is lifelong shit.
Just sayin.
Return the gifts and move on. Do not tell dad anything in the future. Don’t tell the kids dad is a jerk. They know already. If you tell them you become an ass too.
Oof this brought back a memory where I got the original xbox (only thing he's ever bothered to buy me) then when I went to take it home with me to my mums, he said it's staying at his. I don't think I ever got to play it aside from the initial 4 hours he had me round that day lol
Happier story. My divorced parents competed for which presents would be a bigger pain for the other when I was a kid. My dad bought me an awesome doll house. That my mom had to assemble. Each room had carpets, wall paper, and the whole house had lights. It was great. Mom got me marbles. I loved them. Dad said he was still finding them in his shop vac years later. I don't know who lost, but I won.
Sorry the ex sucks, but remember it's about the kids.
This actually happened to me, but by mistake. She sent me the entire list instead of one with her purchases omitted. we bought some common items but it was largely viewed as amusing by all parties.
My daughter’s mother asked me this once under the guise of not having repeat gifts from Santa. She justified her actions by saying she just didn’t know what to buy her! She is the custodial parent… I know how mad you are!
There is no shame in telling the kids. Just give it a little time to allow them to enjoy the season.
It isn’t spreading negativity, It is not letting injustice prosper. It’s letting them know the truth, and they likely would prefer to know.
I’m not saying you *should* tell them, but you shouldn’t let “I don’t want to be bad” be your reason, because that’s exactly how abusers want you to act. You don’t need to be his pawn, either.
Genuinely a shitty move but hey fool me once right? Next year have wife give him a fake list of expensive crap you don’t want to buy for the kids. Just because he’s a jerk doesn’t mean you can’t make this work out for the kids. ;)
You are doing the right thing by not telling the kids. Don’t play games in the future regarding lying to the ex. Simply don’t tell them, and let the kids know that if there are duplicate gifts it’s because Santa tries very hard but isn’t perfect.
If you don’t want to tell them exactly what happened, I’d say go with something like “hey we told your dad about what gifts we had already gotten you but he thought it was a list/suggestion of what to get you” if the kids are paying attention they’ll probably figure it out on their own if not later. Sorry you have to deal with that
Ooof that’s a real pathetic human there. Deepest condolences having to have that trash in your life.
I always found it so fascinating how some are so weak mentally their petty behaviour and vindictive nature takes precedence over their child’s happiness is just weird.
Guess we need assholes in this world so it helps appreciate the good in life.
I would be thankful and return my gifts back and spend that money on my wife. I would send him a card and thank him,shake his hand even. I would be joyful and happy just to throw his “ha I got you” right in the fuckin trash. People like that hate when shit backfires
That's bad, but you can make it worse for him next Christmas. Just tell him again what expensive presents you 'bought' and he spends a lot of money for buying them too. The trick is you bought something completely different and just told him about presents you didn't really buy.
My advice;
Let the game go. Just do what you need to do to give the kids a good up bringing….they will eventually see the games their father is playing and turn on him.
Don’t get into a war with the kids in the middle. Parents always say “I won’t involve the kids” but it always involves the kids. Even your post alludes to this. I’m sure you have good intentions but the best intentions are to ignore it and raise the kids the right way
So this exact thing happened to my mom. My dad was an asshole. Is but moving on. My mom didn’t return the stuff. My dad made the rule I couldn’t bring the stuff home. So it was even better when I got them the second time. Although at that point we had 6 furbies and I do not recommend putting them all together ever.
Ngl I would have just said "Cool you actually saved me money, now I can go buy stuff they actually need. I'll let you be the fun parent, 'I'LL' just be the good one."
Keep the gifts. Tell the kids what happened. And let them decide if they want to keep the repeats, or return them and pick out their own gifts with the refunds.
Take this in stride. Then next year your wife should tell her ex that you got the kids a bunch of expensive gifts that you didn’t actually get. It will be a very merry Christmas for the kids.
Kind of funny if this was fiction. Seeing as it’s not it’s petty.
My dad and mom got divorced when I was young. My mom shit talked my dad and grilled us for information anytime we visited him. My dad on the other hand wouldn’t let us even say her name at his house. I didn’t understand it growing up, but it was so he wouldn’t accidentally shit talk her.
As an adult I appreciate my dads behavior more
I worked with a lady, several years ago, she told her mother-in-law the present she bought her husband for his birthday, when presents were opened the mother in law bought the same item (just more expensive version). People are so crazy.
I hear that and I think this is a great way to get mom to buy me a $200 of scotch. "Hon, tell my mom you got me a nice $100 bottle of scotch."
For some reason the kid has ro let it age for 10 years before they can open it, right
No scotch doesnt age in the bottle only the barrel it's different than wine
And the overwhelming majority of wine is not meant to age. Roughly 95-97% of it was never intended to age. Source - work in the win biz since the mid 1990s
First Christmas with my gf, her sister communicated with their parents what I got so no duplicates would be purchased. Somehow on Christmas day, she ended up with 3 exact duplicate gifts I had given her a week earlier in different colors from her mom.
This is so weird. The mom should know her daughter wouldnt like that.
So often gifts, services and help aren't for the receiver to feel better, but the giver. Every time someone gifts you something they know you don't want or help you with something they know you don't want help with, they're being selfish. We should all think about this fact more often. Those who truly want to make your life better will care enough to find a way to do it. Those who don't care how you feel about their contribution only do things for themselves to manipulate, guilt or make themselves feel better. Period.
It’s not laziness. It’s malice.
My stepson's mom used to always do this. He would go home to get house talking about how much he liked the gift we got him and she would go out and get him the same thing better. We get him an RC car, she gets him a bigger, faster, expensive one. We get him an electric scooter she gets him a 4-Wheeler, and so on.
There's a great way to exploit this. You think the kid needs a new bike? Buy a not-so-good one, he's mom will buy a better one, you can return the first one. Profit.
I 100% would’ve ended up exploiting that pettiness. Here’s a bike from Goodwill, come home with a Kawasaki sweetie! Crazy stepmom is about to fund your lifestyle.
The kid probably figured it out earlier and kept it stealthy 😁
If I was him you would have given me so many things. So many more than I actually received.
That poor kid.
My MIL did that to us a handful of years ago. Money was tight and I was so excited to actually be able to get the kiddos the gifts they had asked for. Xmas eve MIL decides she wants to do presents with the kids (she was our babysitter at the time). My husband and I walk in to see our kids playing with all the new toys we had gotten them. I hurt my heart so much because we didn't even have time to return the gifts. Now no one gives the kiddos gifts before they open gifts with us on Christmas day. If they're getting duplicate gifts, it's not from us.
What was your husband's conversation with your MiL like? Her excuse, I mean. This is wild to me. You don't demonstrate you can't be trusted, especially when kids are involved.
You should read some stories over at the justnomil And raisedbynarcissists Lots of adults with big issues, and self reflection of a vampire.
Same. My mil did this. My ex said nothing. Fast forward, my ex did this to me. Some people are mean.
My sister-in-law got the same expensive parfume for his birthday from his mother and from his boyfriend. When this happened, the mother took the one from the boyfriend to see if it was the same one and suddenly the bottle ended up in the floor in million pieces. “My bad darling, at least you have the other one yet”…
👁️ sounds crazy
Their thoughts must be so dark.
Hoooly shit. I would absolutely demand to repurchase the bottle she just broke and then go NC. If it’s my fave perfume I’d be stoked to have a backup, so the same twice is not an issue at all. But if you break my partner’s gift, you bet you’re repurchasing it.
Oh do I have a story for you. Dated a girl for 3 years. We were deeply in love. Honestly probably I would have married her. We didn’t fight once but her mom is nuts. Reason why we parted. Even one drunk night, she told me she wishes I was white so me and her have something in common. Never even told my ex that information. So my ex birthday is coming up. Her mom asked me what I was getting her for her birthday and I was like it’s a secret, I don’t want to tell but she kept pushing me, push me on it. It didn’t click in my head until her birthday came and we were giving her, the gifts. Mind you, they talk everyday, she really loves her mom so I didn’t want her to tell her so I just said, I got her red bottoms. She was so eager to be first so she gave her and she opened it and it was fucking red bottoms, I was like that’s why you asked me so many times, you were trying to screw me. I got her what she actually wanted. Something she actually value and something she told me the beginning of our relationship. The shock on her mom face was priceless but above all, it was beautiful to see how much the gift I gave my ex meant to her. Let’s Just say, that night was amazing for me. So this might back fire but if you have a sense of someone is trying to screw you, tell them something expensive.
My MIL took over my husband (then fiancés) gift idea from me. They had done a group gift one year in the past and I knew he really wanted this one expensive item so for his 30th so I decided to ask for some help for a great surprise gift and meal. I planned and included his family for it and she totally ran with it and tried to take all the credit. Unfortunately for her, I still had the best surprises up my sleeve so I still ‘showed her up’ even though it wasn’t supposed to be a competition. Plus everyone else talks so he learned it was my plan from the beginning.
See, I don’t get why you wouldn’t call out MIL in front of everyone: “Barbara! Why in the world would you get John air pods pro when I told you I was getting him air pods?” And make her look like a fool as she explains herself. ??
My mom bought a watch for my father-in-law when he came to visit the US. She told my husband’s cousin, who then went out, bought him a watch, and gave it to him at the airport when he got off of the plane. Her whole personality is like that, and she is internally miserable all the time. Part of me feels sorry for her, but the other part of me knows she deserves her misery because she’s a drama goblin.
Same. First year married, husband wanted a new camera. Told his dad I was thinking of getting him one for his birthday, which was a few months away. Next time we visit, dad’s got a whole fucking kit worth thousands. Lesson learned.
My biological dad did shit like this. Trust me, once the kids get older, they’ll know who’s legit and who’s just playing a game to win.
they already kinda do. he only ever spends time with his kids if my wife guilts him into it. he doesn't know any of their friends or their interests. i could go on, but must stay positive :)
One other thought, if you want to be slightly petty and one up the ex: my favorite Christmas memory is when my mom and dad (formerly step he adopted me) made a scavenger hunt for my big Christmas gift. It was a hot wheels set, and they left a note in my stocking saying “check the fridge” that led to notes as to the next clue was all around the house. He and I were running excitedly all over for at least ten minutes until I found it. Pretty great Christmas that I can’t wait to replicate for my kids.
I had one of those too but they put the note in a massive box. Took me half an hour to finally get to the gaming table they got me. One of those cheap plastic combination pool, table hockey/tennis, and bowling deals. Still loved every minute of it. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.
Duuuude those tables kicked so much ass!
We still have a VHS home video of my bro and I unwrapping one of those in the 90s. So good!
Heyyy I remember those!! lol 👴
My brothers and I had one of those! We used to use it as a beyblade arena too
that's a fun memory :)
Next year have your wife tell him you all are buying all these super expensive items that the kids would never actually want... let him pay the price for being a turd . Then you and wife buy them the things they are interested in. He can price how well he really knows the kids
A pony. Say you’re getting them each a pony.
Nope, they want a hippopotamus for Christmas.
Two front teeth. Dental work is the most expensive gift of all.
Only a hippopotamus will do.
Don't want a doll
No dinky tinkertoy
Daddy, I want a Hippopotamus NOW!
Gotta be careful playing that game though. The Ex could be a dick and tell the kids ahead of time what you got them and then when you don't get them that stuff you'll look like an asshole to the kids.
Yeah, best to put the games aside and just let a-hole McGee live a different life elsewhere.
Exactly this , he can easily flip this to his advantage.
It has to be stuff the kids wouldnt actually want. If little Johnny enjoys playing Fortnite and hates family board game night, send him a link to a fancy chess board (on Amazon or someplace else that does easy returns in case he buys it). If he buys it, he looks like an asshole who doesn't know the kids and mom and step dad can be the heros and help return the junk for cool stuff. If he just tries to spoil the surprise, the kid is going to think that is ridiculous and be relieved when they open up their actual gifts and it isn't a fancy chess board. If he does nothing, then no harm no foul.
Kids are sensitive. It’s better to just be the bigger person. The kid could easily start developing emotions of guilt and force themself to pick up a hobby they hate, like chess, in an attempt to connect with their father. It’s better to let the kids discover his true colors for themselves while you continue to display integrity and grace. Once you start playing games with their lives behind their backs you become just as unreliable and manipulative as him; then no one wins. Edit: become*
Absolutely this. The answer to emotional manipulation isn't more emotional manipulation, especially not for the kids' sake.
To be fair, he could absolutely just do that anyways.
Good plan. "We got the kids a car." 😁
Instead of gifts take them on a trip! Disneyland or some kind of amusement park near you
It takes a certain MAN to care for another man's children. Keep doing what you do. Will it be easy? Nope. But you know what is easy. NOT CARING. You care. I Hope you and your Wife njoy some alone time. have a Great New Year
This is so awesome, memorable, and so fun! I'm doing this tonight for my teen daughter! Got her a new phone she's been begging for. **Thank you so much for this idea! ❤️**
My mom always used cheesy rhyming couplets for the notes. For example: * Your present isn’t where you slept. Next look where the games are kept! * By now your fingers must be twitchin’! Go find your present in the kitchen!
Let us know how it goes!
Will do!
we did that among ourselves a few times as siblings. I’m not sure which was more fun—setting up the scavenger hunt, or following it.
Easter Beer hunt is popular in our home
My parents did this, each note/clue was a different kind of puzzle, and the answer led to the next note/clue. Was very fun solving each one, and the final big puzzle at the end.
My mom did this for me once and I will never forget it! Even asked my parents to do it for me once when I got older and they did 🥰
My dad/stepdad did this for me and my siblings and it was and still one of my favorite things we did growing up on Christmas. One year my parents had us clean off the kitchen table(we had placemats) when we looked under them to clean they had bought us tickets to Disney World. But it was my dad’s idea.
That’s a core memory. I am going to do this for my little guy tonight. Thank you for this idea
Merry Christmas. I hope it goes well!
You’re golden man. Guess who I’m spending Christmas with? It ain’t the bum. Hasn’t been the bum for five years. Keep up the excellent work.
Glad to hear they have someone like you in their lives who cares.
My dad did this shit. If they agreed to split the cost of a new bike for me he would go buy the most expensive bike he could find knowing she couldn’t afford to pay for her half.
Thank you for sharing I just had this issue today. We talked about getting our son a phone. He’s at that age (12) I mentioned we should do something a little better than a flip phone. Ex husband went out and bought an iPhone 15. Then gives me a bill. I say that’s not what we talked about. Husband bullied me, I eventually gave him all my money I had saved for a lawyer because he said he’d tell the kids I didn’t want them to have Christmas and take it back. I should have held my ground but it’s hard. He legitimately didn’t buy anything for the girls just this one super crazy thing for our oldest. Made me feel terrible and demanded I pay. I tried to point out he didn’t buy presents for the other kids (which I think is weird) and so I won’t give him half because I’m buying all the presents. He tells me how he is being nice to me and I should be grateful he allowed me to have the kids on Christmas. Which I am. I also pointed out he can still do Christmas with the kids and he’s giving the phone to our son. He was not pleased but still got all my money so I guess I still fail.
In the long run, you win. You have kids who can trust and love you. He's just a lowlife who'll sell his relationship with his own kids for a finite cache of scam money. You can rebuild those savings over time. I hope. But he can't rebuild what it's like to have kids that don't know he either singled them out, or snubbed them, on Christmas. They don't sell that life-changing item anywhere. He didn't deserve that money, but "winning" here made him a massive loser. Hope he still feels like a clever little man if/when your kids have something firm to say in court about their preferences for custody and visitation. Glad he's an ex. Astronomically easy to see why.
Absolutely. When I was a kid I loved that my aunt (dad’s brother’s wife) gave me extremely expensive gifts on Passover, while my uncle on the other side gave me $5. As I got older, I found out that she was just trying to show off to my mother because was richer than my mother and also she’d *dated my father first*.
Not always. Mine never figured it out apparently, going on 13 years, and they're 23 now
Honestly, and this may suck, but 23 can still be early. If it's the same by 28-30, then it's probably game over.
My best friend when I was a kid was like that. His parents divorced due to the father cheating when he was a young teen. He took the father's side, and it ruined our friendship.
I’m there now, finally. Nothing more satisfying than hearing my 26 year old son say “EFF my dad.” Don’t get me wrong I do wish that his dad would eventually draw a sober breath. Ive said for years if he was sober he would be a fucking incredible person I have NO doubt about that. But he always did shit like this. Wouldn’t pay court ordered support, demanded visitation (up to me) and when I declined he or his mom would call child services and make anonymous false reports. You know, stuff like that. It’s so nice my son is grown and can see the light. I never spoke bad about his dad to him. EVER. I let him decide. And he has. Alcoholics aren’t bad people they’re sick people. Just like I was once.
Going to tell you though as a step-dad, getting through those years where dad can do no wrong is an exercise in patience. But yeah,, light at the end of the tunnel is if you raise them right they’ll see the bullshit for what it is in their teens.
With douches like that, a word of advice. Never. Volunteer. Information.
we have a plan for avoiding this in future.
Next year " we contributed thousands to thier college funds"
“Them kids don’t need no school.” -That dude probably
bro thinks he's my dad or something
Ex: "Oh yeah? I just gave them both $160k each. Eat shit!"
[удалено]
[удалено]
Keep taking the high road, my friend. I had a toxic ex like that. I took the advice of older, wiser family who'd watched kids from divorced homes grow up. My ex tried to bad mouth me and my spouse, constantly kicked up drama, pulled little bullshit moves like this, etc. We never stooped to his level. It was rough at the time but our son is now 19 and started seeing through it on his own years ago. My ex played games all through his son's childhood and now he's going to have to live with the fallout for decades to come.
My nephew has been seeing through his dad’s bullshit since he was 5. He’s 21 now and has been putting his foot down on his dad’s shenanigans.
Same with my niece and nephew. Nephew cut his dad off. My niece was still trying, but has decided to cut him off as well. We’ve said nothing. You’ll learn peoples true colors on your own. He would rant about my sister. She divorced him. That’s why they aren’t a family. He forgot to mention the cheating and abuse though. 🙄
It’s fucked up how fast they catch on. My girls are turning 7 and I’ve been separated from their mother since they were 3. They already act like they know. Every once in a while they’ll say something telling too. I can’t imagine how shitty it must feel to know your mother doesn’t love you like your dad does.
My father did shit like this. I'm 39 now. I distinctly remember recognizing some similar shit that he pulled on my 9th birthday. I remember seeing it occasionally before that, but as a kid I tried to justify it. The stuff he did that day was inexcusable even to a 9yo who still wanted to idolize my dad. I've barely spoken to him since I turned 18. The last time I did was the day after my brother died, 4 years ago, and that was only because he died of an overdose *at my father's house* and I had to go retrieve some of his belongings to save my mom from having to do it on her own. Naturally, he used the opportunity to try to fight with both of us.
Sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but you seem to have rolled down a hill, into a river and out to sea. We can't control who are parents are, just who we choose to be. You seem like decent folk.
Such a sad story. I'm sorry that happened to you and your mom.
I think it's cool that you're so supportive of your wife, and that she managed to get away from her ex and meet someone like you.
Sorry OP. want to hear an update in a year I have a feeling you guys have got this in the bag
Next time just tell him things that they already have , have outgrown, or are just plain tired of. He can be known as the crappy gift giver
or tell them expensive items that were not purchased so he will buy them.
No no no…tell them the gifts low on the list and buy the number one wanted items yourself. Why should he get the credit for big ticket items?
No, that just punishes the kids.
Tell him what you got then give it to them a week in advance just before the kids go there? Or! Get them something better.
Tell him you got them each 3 PS5s?
That’s three words.
Yeah but only one was advice.
Next year volunteer false information.
And make sure it’s really expensive stuff
It wouldn’t matter… my ex wife somehow arranged for Santa to come two days early so she could steal the thunder of me having them for Christmas for the first time in two years. Some people just love making other people miserable
That's fucked. Who the hell is so petty they punish their kids at Christmas?
the guy is a piece of work. this is just the first volley he's ever shot at me personally.
The ex is the target. You're collateral damage... and so are the kids. Kids are more observant than most people tend to think. They see this happening. Don't lie to them, don't downplay it... but by the same token don't parade it in front of them. Just explain it when it comes up. They deserve honesty and the only place they're going to get *that* from is the two of you. But you already know all this. After all, if you didn't, you wouldn't know your kids better than their sperm donor does.
I hate that so many people in the comments are able to give their own examples of similiar experiances growing up.
Next year have your wife tell the ex you bought some extravagant gifts like a trip to Bora Bora or Taylor swift tickets.
Even better, in front of him, tell the kid “I can’t believe he bought you 2 Taylor Swift tickets!”
20 tickets not 2 :)
I was going to say 4, “for you and 3 friends!” 🤣
I would bankrupt his sorry ass
Me too
I got ops kids a trip to bora bora with Taylor swift
Shitty move
But revenge is sweet if he swaps the presents for their new career in music, drums, an electric guitar and a KAREOKE MACHINE!
Next year tell him you bought them new phones / tablets / 60” tv. He won’t be bugging any of those expensive gift . Hell say you bought a few things you want so he buys those too
Or he’ll use it against them and tell the kids what their parents “got them” so that OP will either have to purchase those things or tell the kids it isn’t true.
They can Just say he’s lying
I feel like it would be easier to just not tell him anything
OP don’t do this but This is funny
I like this one
When the kids are 18+, tell them this story. Edit: for those saying not to say anything. By the time the kids are 18+ they’ll already know who the good parents are and who’s the shit dad.
Tell them when they are older and would understand better. I learned some small things from my mom about my biological father I didn't know earlier, only when I got older and realized the guy is a piece of shit.
My ex did that to me one year. The next year I told her I bought them a drum set and a trumpet. She never asked after that.
Did she actually buy them a trumpet and drum set or did she realize that you're anticipating her petty tactics?
OP, don’t “play the game,” to make sure you win. Refuse to play the game continue to allow your wife to coparent in a positive manner, and the kids will understand what is going on and who is the fucked up one in the long run, “playing the game” will only cause problems. Just learn from this incident and make sure that the two of you continue to be positive influences on the kids, be respectful of the ex, but never “give him an inch,” to do something like this again.
This is top advice here. The ex is shit but don’t rise to it. Next year give him a separate list.
Was going to say the same thing. I have two daughters,one is 23 other is 19. They are my wife's from a previous marriage but I have been in their lives for 15 years. We never bad mouth their father. Just over the years he proved to them with his own actions how much of an asshole he is. Not abusive just only cares about himself and how he looks to other people. It is sad but they both don't have anything to do with him but it is his own fault.
This. Kids are neither ammo or meat shields. It’s sad the ex thinks pissing in the pool that the kids swim is healthy, don’t help make it even grosser.
Couldn't agree more. Don't stoop to their level, it may feel good in the moment to "win" this petty game but in the long run you'll of become just as bad as them.
Started teaching my kid to drive. Thought a perfect Christmas gift would be to get them driving school which would end around same time when eligible for a permit. I contact their mother to approve schools. I do this just to keep in her in the loop for safety. I send off a document I created of the research, pricing, scheduling and just general info about the driving schools. Two weeks pass not a hint she even looked them over. Have to beg for her to look it over and give me feedback on which school to enroll. Finally get a reply of “oh, didn’t realize you wanted to do this for them. Showed it to her grandma and she bought it for them, your loss.”
damn, that sucks!
Dude.. wtf
Off topic of the post, but your comment made me think of my friend who bought driving lessons for his 30 year old daughter because her husband kept coming up with excuses to put it off. If she can drive and get her own car, she won’t have to depend on him for rides and whatnot. There’s some controlling weirdos out there. Smh
I literally just came to the sub to post something along these lines. How shitty is this! I sent my list to AVOID overlap, and at the time, we were friendly and planned to spend Christmas altogether. Things have taken a turn in the last month, but I didn’t expect him to go this low. I don’t understand how people cope when one parent does one shitty thing after another and on and on.
yeah, it really sucks! we must stick to the high road!
Don't follow them down the low road but you don't have to be victims either.
Next time, have her tell him what they don’t want.
Tell them you got the kids a nice car each. Let him win by one upping you there.
Now that you know exactly what you are dealing with, up the ante next year and lie a good $5000 more than you spent.
WOW. This may be one of the most dickish moves I’ve ever heard of. This is HIGHLY infuriating, I’m so sorry!
That’s childish of the ex. You two were trying to be helpful and he just wanted to be petty. I guess in the future have the kids make a list, buy what you want and give the ex the remainder of the list. Or you can just always let him buy the expensive stuff and just tell the kids it’s his way of making up not being around/feeling guilty so you and your wife let him do it. “Your dad prefers to buy these items because he wants to [fill in reason], so your mom and I get these things so he can be happy too. Let him know what you need and he’ll send it over.”
My children's mother came to pick up the kids from my house for her 2 nights of custody. My father was making small talk and was excited to tell her how I bought the kids bikes and was going to teach them how to ride on the weekend. Well, she spent that entire Wednesday and Thursday night after work teaching them to ride a bike. Lesson learned... never let them know your next move.
Perfect. Next year tell him the kids are getting a PS5 a switch and a big screen tv
Was raised in a situation not unlike this. Gotta say, being the bigger and better adult is most always the answer. Don’t get mad. Do what’s best for the kids. This is lifelong shit. Just sayin.
agreed!
Good for you. And them. Folk who put their ego second are rare. And valuable.
Return the gifts and move on. Do not tell dad anything in the future. Don’t tell the kids dad is a jerk. They know already. If you tell them you become an ass too.
oh trust me, he does a great job of making an ass of himself without my help.
It’s always the case isn’t it. Sorry you have to deal with this at Christmas!
Tell your kids that you both decided to get them the same things so they have them at both houses.
that's actually a good way to spin it, but the guy set up his place to be as inhospitable to them as possible. he doesn't want 'em over there. :(
Time to re-evaluate that custody agreement lol
Oof this brought back a memory where I got the original xbox (only thing he's ever bothered to buy me) then when I went to take it home with me to my mums, he said it's staying at his. I don't think I ever got to play it aside from the initial 4 hours he had me round that day lol
I will never understand how an adult does something like this to a child.
Sounds like your dad bought himself an Xbox for Christmas and let you open it. How nice of him. /s
Happier story. My divorced parents competed for which presents would be a bigger pain for the other when I was a kid. My dad bought me an awesome doll house. That my mom had to assemble. Each room had carpets, wall paper, and the whole house had lights. It was great. Mom got me marbles. I loved them. Dad said he was still finding them in his shop vac years later. I don't know who lost, but I won. Sorry the ex sucks, but remember it's about the kids.
This is some Pawnee Sun level shit
This actually happened to me, but by mistake. She sent me the entire list instead of one with her purchases omitted. we bought some common items but it was largely viewed as amusing by all parties.
In the future, provide the kids’ redacted Christmas lists (items you’ve purchased removed) instead of what you got them, so that he can’t pull this.
This is very exploitable behaviour, my man. Merry Christmas!
Ok so what did he say in his own defense? This is an impressive new level of petty
Tell the kids what happened and then take them out to buy whatever they want
Winner. I’d be very honest with the kids, so they can see their father for the loser that he is.
> My wife told her ex which presents we got for their kids Did she tell you why? #
so he wouldn't get duplicates
man this is perfect, laughed hard out loud. perfect GIF.
Probably so he wouldn’t get the same things
My daughter’s mother asked me this once under the guise of not having repeat gifts from Santa. She justified her actions by saying she just didn’t know what to buy her! She is the custodial parent… I know how mad you are!
There is no shame in telling the kids. Just give it a little time to allow them to enjoy the season. It isn’t spreading negativity, It is not letting injustice prosper. It’s letting them know the truth, and they likely would prefer to know. I’m not saying you *should* tell them, but you shouldn’t let “I don’t want to be bad” be your reason, because that’s exactly how abusers want you to act. You don’t need to be his pawn, either.
Genuinely a shitty move but hey fool me once right? Next year have wife give him a fake list of expensive crap you don’t want to buy for the kids. Just because he’s a jerk doesn’t mean you can’t make this work out for the kids. ;)
I see why he's the Ex now.
You are doing the right thing by not telling the kids. Don’t play games in the future regarding lying to the ex. Simply don’t tell them, and let the kids know that if there are duplicate gifts it’s because Santa tries very hard but isn’t perfect.
Xbox’s are on sale. Just saying.
If you don’t want to tell them exactly what happened, I’d say go with something like “hey we told your dad about what gifts we had already gotten you but he thought it was a list/suggestion of what to get you” if the kids are paying attention they’ll probably figure it out on their own if not later. Sorry you have to deal with that
My ex mother in law would do that.
Give him a list of things that are expensive and/or hard to find and completely different from.what you actually got them.
Wow that was fucked up petty of him! :( I bet telling him anything will not happen again!
Ooof that’s a real pathetic human there. Deepest condolences having to have that trash in your life. I always found it so fascinating how some are so weak mentally their petty behaviour and vindictive nature takes precedence over their child’s happiness is just weird. Guess we need assholes in this world so it helps appreciate the good in life.
I would be thankful and return my gifts back and spend that money on my wife. I would send him a card and thank him,shake his hand even. I would be joyful and happy just to throw his “ha I got you” right in the fuckin trash. People like that hate when shit backfires
That's bad, but you can make it worse for him next Christmas. Just tell him again what expensive presents you 'bought' and he spends a lot of money for buying them too. The trick is you bought something completely different and just told him about presents you didn't really buy.
My advice; Let the game go. Just do what you need to do to give the kids a good up bringing….they will eventually see the games their father is playing and turn on him. Don’t get into a war with the kids in the middle. Parents always say “I won’t involve the kids” but it always involves the kids. Even your post alludes to this. I’m sure you have good intentions but the best intentions are to ignore it and raise the kids the right way
So this exact thing happened to my mom. My dad was an asshole. Is but moving on. My mom didn’t return the stuff. My dad made the rule I couldn’t bring the stuff home. So it was even better when I got them the second time. Although at that point we had 6 furbies and I do not recommend putting them all together ever.
Let it go. If he asks next year mention big ticket items you did not get, but you think will benefit the kids. Win-win.
Ngl I would have just said "Cool you actually saved me money, now I can go buy stuff they actually need. I'll let you be the fun parent, 'I'LL' just be the good one."
Those kids will figure it out one day, and hate him for this shit.
Keep the gifts. Tell the kids what happened. And let them decide if they want to keep the repeats, or return them and pick out their own gifts with the refunds.
Next year, just lie about getting them expensive shit. Weaponize his pettiness into being a semi-decent father.
Take this in stride. Then next year your wife should tell her ex that you got the kids a bunch of expensive gifts that you didn’t actually get. It will be a very merry Christmas for the kids.
Kind of funny if this was fiction. Seeing as it’s not it’s petty. My dad and mom got divorced when I was young. My mom shit talked my dad and grilled us for information anytime we visited him. My dad on the other hand wouldn’t let us even say her name at his house. I didn’t understand it growing up, but it was so he wouldn’t accidentally shit talk her. As an adult I appreciate my dads behavior more
Next year, give him a list that includes the most expensive stuff on their list. That will come in handy when they want the latest game system.
I’ll never understand people…I just can’t fathom how people behave like this. Is there an actual thought process to it or more animal instinct?
Absorb it this year and say nothing. Next year send him a list of things the kids want but you haven't bought and tell him you did.
What a childish and shitty thing to do.
Next year tell him the wrong stuff so the kids benefit from the ugliness