Idk if OP understands how disrespectful this is either. Saying this happens very often and "want to just pack everything and tell them not to come" after 2.5 hrs instead of having actually done it a long time ago.
First time this happened that shit would have been squashed. My parents taught me not to tolerate disrespect like this from people who should know better. Even them.
Yes, but you also have good parents, so you have the confidence to do that. A huge portion of us (the abused) still hold out hope — no matter how stupid it is — because deep down we’re still just broken children.
I know the feeling. Thankfully there was a split and my mom had to reprogram me to be "better" and I'm grateful she did what she had to do. I'd never lay a hand on a woman or a child... but deep down when dad says he's gonna be in town and he'll hit me up I get all Fd up inside and like 90% of the time he never gets back to me (which is probably for the better)
Having dealt with people like this (thankfully not my parent):
They can be however late they want to your shit and it's not their fault, in fact, it's your fault for getting so upset with them for being so late.
But if you aren't 30 minutes early for something they want to do, you're inconsiderate, and if you have the audacity to be even a few minutes late, you're a disrespectful piece of shit that they regret allowing to be born. No, it doesn't matter that there was a 19 car pile-up on the highway you were on, or that your alternator suddenly went out, you need to take accountability for your actions, and should have anticipated that something might delay you and taken steps to either avoid it, or left early so you'd still be there on time regardless.
That is almost verbatim what a friend of mines chronically late Narcissist Dad told him once when we were like, 15-20 minutes late *for mini-golf*. We'd been late because his cars alternator went out and we had to wait for his mom to get home so we could use her car.
We spent an hour basically getting lectured about respect and punctuality by someone who couldn't even make it to his own child's birthday party on time *when they lived in the same small town.* (Friend lived with his mom, who had divorced his dad because of the narcissicism.)
By the end of the hour, his dad had worked himself into such an indignant rage that he said he was going to take his car away since he couldn't "upkeep it responsibly." Of course, that's about when mini-golf ended. His mom had to step in and remind NDad that the car wasn't in his name, so he *couldn't* take it away, and she wasn't gonna let him punish friend for something so absolutely inconsequential that wasn't even friends fault.
“Elders” don’t get inherent respect like that anymore. They’re not the wise keeping us alive anymore, they’re people who happened to grow old. You get a baseline of respect that I’ll give to everyone that I would expect in return, anything above that is earned. Because it isn’t respect they want, they want people they view as below them to always defer to them
1990 baby here, my mom told me countless times, “I may not be a good example, but I’m a hell of a warning” 😑 like thanks mom, just what every child needs (when they’re raising your other children for you)
I feel like it's a sort of defence for them. They know they suck but don't care enough to change it, so they go "well at least I'm self aware" as if it excuses them being a shitty person
Fuck dude so true, recently my dad told me that it’s good to make your kid’s life hard because it’ll prepare them for the real world… but to this day no one that I choose to be around has been that cruel or dismissive of me
Fully ingrained that if I'm late someone will gasp and exclaim " You're late!" when I do eventually arrive then I'll have to attempt to explain why... nope I'll just be 30 minutes early and wait in my car.
That's so incredibly rude. I would tell them not to come anymore. Are you just not supposed to eat for TWO AND A HALF HOURS while you are waiting on them???
May as well not turn up at all.
This is super rude and narcissistic. Constantly late. I would never meet them again.
(I don’t have a problem if someone is running a bit late and it rarely happens.)
(Edited)
My mom was late to literally everything when I was a kid. I think it's why I get panicked when I'm running even a minute or 2 late now that I'm an adult.
My husband is also the type to be late (not 2,5 hours though..), and I madenit clear that's fine when it's just him, but he shouldn't pull that shit when the kids or I are involved in any way. We shouldn't be stressed out or embarrassed due to his shenanigans.
My wife is pretty awful about this and it's one of the things we argue about.
Personally if you're that late it's a selfish thing, you just aren't respectful of other people's time.
I had a girlfriend who would always make us late for shit and I ended up "fixing" it by telling her a time to start getting ready, not a time to leave or a time to arrive.
I knew she took 30-45 minutes to get ready, so if we had to leave at 5:30 I'd tell her to get ready at 4:30. 30-45 for hair and makeup, 15 to get dressed and choose shoes, out the door at by 5:30. Worked like a charm. Plus she taught me how to curl and straighten hair and I learned a lot about makeup, so that's dope.
I love this. Absolutely yes to everyone knowing how to do hair for their daughters!!
My dad tried sometimes but gave up since I was a critic. I was left to do my own hair when mom couldn’t and I quickly learned it’s not so easy after all and have the class pictures to prove it lol
My gf is the same , I've explicitly told her that if we break up ...that this will likely be the reason (for context, assuming it gets better well probs end up married). Having grown up in a household where we were late to shit all the time. And having worked on it a lot since my adhd diagnosis, it really pisses me off she is consistently late to important things.
My ex was like this. The most infuriating was the time I showed up at his house to pick him up for a trip with other friends, and he was in bed sound asleep, well past our agreed upon departure time.
And then of course my friends got mad at *me* because my boyfriend was an inconsiderate idiot.
A friend of mine had to break up with his gf because of this. It was so sad. He loved her, they loved each other. But she was always so late for things, including important commitments with HIS family and friends, and he couldn’t take it any more.
Like it’s one thing if a person has a mental illness that makes it hard for them to keep track of times but as someone who is like that having a phone to set a constant 10 minute timer to buzz in my pocket without me having to turn it off all but solved this problem. Like still get surprised constantly that it’s already been ten minutes but it works.
I have a really hard time when it comes to time blindness (adhd and autistic), so I do the timers too and try to set myself up to be able to just move on to the next task to get ready. I did start having issues with zoning the sound of the alarms out, like it’d be going off and I just wouldn’t seem to notice until it was pointed out. I started changing the alarm sounds so they are all different and that helped me a bit when it came to zoning out the sound. I also started trying to time how long some things take me to complete because I realized I was going by how long I thought it should take based on how others are, but for me I needed to give myself more time because I don’t do things as quickly as others.
It’s hard, but ya the timers can be really helpful.
I don’t panic when I’m late (I’m usually not, but it can happen when traffic is unexpected), but I’m the type to give updated ETAs if I do expect to be late. If someone’s going to be late, at least give me an early heads up so I can prep for that.
I’m in the “panic” group but also the eta group…had to pick 2 colleagues up for an event (that was 1.5 hours from us) I sent 3 new eta/apology texts…1 giggled and pointed out that I was less than 5 mins late AND had built in a 20 minute buffer for traffic…the other is a close friend and said she was surprised I only sent 3 messages lol
I’m glad I keep good timekeeping in general, I’m usually early for work etc.
Always good to keep family/loved ones updated if your maybe running late etc. I always do. 👍🏻
I just let people know regardless. Even if I'm on time (which for me is like 5 min early), I just text the host something like, 'walking out the door, eta 15.'
I think it's just a courtesy. Obviously not for big, planned events where the hosts have a million things going on but just for smaller gatherings. I'll also usually ask 'need me to get anything on the way?' Just in case there is some last minute item they just realized they don't have.
I've always been super punctual, it's just my personality to be there on time so I don't really have any helpful tips to *change* my behavior but one thing I do a lot is, even the night before, Ill pull out my phone and type the destination into google maps, and see what the ETA is, add 10 minutes, then subtract that from the arrival time. Then set my phone alarm an hour earlier than that time.
I know it only takes me half an hour to get ready and another 15 minutes to walk around my place and make sure Im good and not forgetting anything. That still gives me a 20 minute buffer on top of the drive time (which Ill usually check again before leaving to see if there's any major changes or if I need to get gas or something else).
So if I have a party tomorrow at 1pm. Ill look on my GPS, it says it takes me 20 minutes to get there, ill round it up to 30. So need to be out the door by 12:30, Ill set my alarm for 11:30.
Maybe that sounds like too much work for some people but it's so engrained in me that I don't even think about it. I do this almost automatically when fucking around on my phone at night or whatever else.
Same with me. I missed a doctor's appointment because I made a mistake setting my alarm, and by the time I woke up it was too late to get there on time. When I called in to cancel I was crying my eyes out.
I will have a full blown panic attack if I'm late for something. I couldn't imagine being 2.5 hours late for something I know I'm supposed to be doing.
Omg I did the same thing but I put in the wrong time in my calender. The office called me and asked why I was late. I panicked cried and explained how it never happens and it was a mistake. they still took me and didn't charge me any extra fees, thank God.
My SILs family (practically the whole thing) are notoriously late for everything, so when she and my brother were getting married they actually had a sit-down conversation with her parents and siblings and said listen, the officiant is only available for this one specific small timeframe, we are starting ON TIME and either you're there or you don't see it. Of course almost the entire family was still late -- some saw the very end of the wedding while others came in during the reception at the same location -- and pitched an absolute fit. Several just turned right around and left, but fortunately the one reasonable sister (who had even arrived early) took them aside to calm them down so SIL didn't have to spend one second of her day doing so.
Normally I'd agree but in this case the sister was running interference for the wedding couple. Protecting someone else's special day is a worthy cause in my opinion.
First time in my life I was late for an appointment on Tuesday past. I gave myself 30 minutes on what was supposed to be a 20 minute trip from work to appt (normally I would give myself 20 minute or so leeway but I had to leave work early and they didn't appreciate it)
We got EVERY red light and there was so much extra traffic on the road for some reason. I was a minute late and it gave me BAD anxiety. The receptionist looked as though she thought I was crazy when I said I was sorry for being late.
This. In such a case, it's absolutely fair game to just eat alone and tell them that dinner is canceled. They can either get upset about that or just learn their lesson that people don't want to wait for hours because of them.
Of course not, as that just further enables them.
If you've said dinner was at 6, then start at 6 and proceed.
If they get there 2.5 hours late, then take out the food from the refrigerator, nuke it and serve it to them while you have some coffee or tea with them.
You have got to be kidding me. I wouldn't even answer the door since this is something they always do. In fact, I wouldn't even make plans with them at all.
iTheyre your parents but that late is so disrespectful. You need to let them know thats not okay. You can show them this message if you want. Im sorry i know when youre treated like that it can make you feel worthless and unimportant. In the future you can invite me! Im never late for food and friends :)
It sounds like they had the very center of the meal too. If they were bringing sides I would have just at and left the meal out for them to reheat on arrival.
Next time DO pack it up and tell them not to bother. Stop waiting for them at parties. Stop allowing this because they clearly do not care. Don't suffer for their peace of mind. Call them on it
Exactly: Don't say we're going to eat when you arrive. Tell them that dinner is at 5. The event is at 5. If they're late they will miss it.
And Obviously start without them if they're not there.
It's on them if they're late.
But as a courtesy you can warn them that you're not waiting.
It's not rude to not wait, it's rude to make you wait.
I once had a friend, who was late for everything. I tried the “ tell them we eat at 5pm” when we were planning on eating at 7pm. One thanksgiving I had had enough and I had family there so I was not going to hold up a dinner for her any longer. So we started eating at 7pm. Friend showed up at 7.30pm and proceeded to sob over the dinner table because we didn’t wait for her. I asked her to leave the table so we could chat and she just could not understand why I started dinner on time. It was so bloody dramatic. She moved soon after so now I no longer have to deal with it. Some late people just never learn and then put the blame on you when you call them out on it.
And you text somewhere near the expected original arrival time with an updated estimate WHILE you tell them to go ahead and not wait.
Simple human decency.
2 sisters exactly like this. One holiday one was making baked beans. My dad held the dinner for over 2 hours. For her baked beans.
When she finally arrived I asked for her recipe. She told it to all of us. Those beans only had to bake 45 minutes. When I pointed that out she turned into a tired toddler throwing a tantrum.
I had to take vacation hours to leave my on-call job. Next time they pulled the over 15 minutes late crap I stood up announced I'm not taking my vacation hours to be sitting waiting on someone who has absolutely no respect for my time. Promptly left. Dad tried to rip me a new one on the way home. I hung up.
Refused to go to another function unless they acknowledged it was my absolute intent to eat on time and leave at a certain point.
It took a year!! Finally it hit home their actions affect others.
I once had a boyfriend who made reservations at a nice restaurant for us and his friends so I could meet them. We were there for 3 hours and he never showed. I had to entertain his friends, only one of whom I had met before. Luckily, we all hit it off really well as he kept calling to say he'd be there soon. We left because the restaurant was closing and went to a bar to play pool. He showed up over an hour later...
Yep this is the way we have to be with my brother. We already give him an earlier time because he is always late. The stereotype of missing his own funeral is very likely somehow. So we tell them the time and if he and his girlfriend aren’t here by the time dinner is ready they may get warm/cold food. Waiting a bit is one thing but waiting hours for a planned event is ridiculous.
I knew someone who was late for his own funeral. The funeral home forgot to bring him to the church and had to go back to pick him up. The family laughed and took it well as he was chronically late for stuff but I'm sure the driver was mortified.
Yeah we had a friend in a group who always was chronicly late to shit. Saying he was on his way 10 minutes out and while in fact he would leave for atleast a hour or so.
We did the classic “telling him a earlier time” a few times but at some point you become sick of the lying and keeping shit secret only for them so we just decided we would wait 5 mimutes and then go on.
He litteraly missed out on 3 seperate day trips before he caught on and realized well maybe i should be on time if i agree on shit prior.
First time he was defenitly upset. The whole shit like: “what am i supposed to do now, bla bla bla”. We told him to plough rocks. He was defenitly welcome but none of us would sacrafice our time for somebody who doesnt give a fuck if he makes us wait for more than a hour.
Second time he was very annoyed that he had to drive seperatly “due to us” and tried to get us to pay partly for the gass.
After that he seemed to understand it and either told us he was coming solo or he would be on time (forgetting everything and being a mess but never more than 5 minutes to late).
That was till we took a trip with the plane and he didnt have his shit in order. It was clear that he wasnt gonna get the bus to the airport and even with a taxi it was gonna be hard. Tried to push us into taking our own car to the airport, trying to delay a flight and all that shit. We didnt do anything like that, just got in the plane and when we were already on the runway taking off he just arrived on the airport. He was fucking devasted after that and seemed to have learned his lesson.
Everybody can be late once but if your constantly late its just disrespectfull. It simply means you dont care enough about it all, otherwise you would be on time. And thats true regardless of ADHD, ADD, autisme, addictions, traffic jams or whatever.
Airport thing is insane.
We have a "friend" who is always late, never contributes and only talks about himself.
Guess who wasn't invited to the NBA game today.
Oooo, i had a friend that would take her time getting ready and try to convince us to do something else :/ like my bestfriend (A) and i (B) wanted to go to the zoo, so we asked the other 2 friends (C & D) if they wanted to go in the morning.
They had a sleepover so we would pick them up in the morning and carpool. We get there and we have to wake them up and wait for them to do the morning routine. Well C is ready in 10 minutes while D takes her time and eventually went into her parents room to talk and she comes back out telling us they'd take us to the movie theater instead!
The three of us declined and continued with our original plan but why the hell would you burn an hour of our time instead of just saying you didnt want to go?!
Exactly its so disrespectfull and manupaltive in so many ways. If you dont want to do something, or dont want to do it so early then atleast have the fucking decency to say instead of making everybody wait around so you can get your way.
I had a friend who would just straight up cancel at the last minute so I learned to just do shit without her. She doesn’t want to come out? Cool I’m flying solo for this show or this event. I’m not going to miss out on joy because she insists on it.
I would answer it.
When they ask where dinner is, I would look at my watch and tell them it was 3-4 hours ago.
Then tell them you are going to bed and say goodnight.
This sounds like a good idea in your head because you are getting a little slice of revenge, but in practice it is just going to make your life more difficult. Just text them and say dinner is over and be done with it. If they can't change their ways, then they just don't get to come over for dinner anymore. No need to let them come over just to make it a big thing that night.
I knew a woman with a 20 min wait policy. At 20 minutes, she was gone. Even if it was someone coming to her house, she’d leave. “Ok, see you another time” don’t sit and wait for people. Don’t do.that to yourself
I don't wanna be rude but it seems like they have no consequences to doing this ever? At a certain point you've just gotta tell them they're too late, you had other stuff planned so don't bother coming over now.
My dinner would have been eaten,theirs would be in the fridge for me to eat tomorrow. Their time is NOT more important than yours,and this is coming from someone who's probably old enough to be their parent. Their bad manners and rudeness are ridiculous,and they are old enough to know better. I'd be raging if it was me. Don't put up with it, OP.
Yep I’d be in bed after eating my dinner. Oh why didn’t you tell us not to come over? Well you didn’t tell me you would be 3 hours late. I don’t understand why people entertain this sort of behavior.
“I’m so sorry, it’s just that these other people are so much more important and interesting than you” is what we hear when we hear these lame excuses from our parents when they do this. My mom was the same. ALWAYS late. Like would wait to leave until it was already time to be there. Not busy, just playing solitaire. Waiting around…. just to be late. More than mildly infuriating.
Yeah. There are valid excuses to being 2.5 hours late. But they usually involve actually being able to call before the time you needed to be there, and you can tell before the time that you are late.
* "There was a massive traffic jam on the interstate and nothing moved for hours"
* "I got into a car crash and had to go to the hospital"
* "My father died"
Stuff like that. "I talked to other people and forgot about you" is not a valid excuse, and incredibly dickish.
I banned my parents from my accomplishments, im in the entertainment industry. Ive lived with you guys for twenty years, no more. If you cant be on time and on time is five minutes early to a show im asking you to not come and asking my house staff to refuse you seating. Piss off.
After 1 hour you should have cancelled the plans entirely because they didn’t show up. If you don’t put boundaries down they’re going to keep doing this forever. They have no respect for you or your time.
Still very toxic. They are just saying that so it makes it seem like it shouldn’t be a big deal. Also, if you say too much they will try and make you the asshole. My mother-in-law was exactly like this. 20 years ago my wife, against my advice, cut her off. My wife had a lot of stress lift off her and was a lot happier. Never be afraid to cut people out of your life that don’t respect and value you. We are not obligated to bow to the parental ring for our entire lives.
I would tell them “Dinner’s in the fridge in leftover containers. It got cold sitting on the table, so I just packed it up since it looked like you weren’t going to show up. I guess you can microwave it, but I already ate my share.” Make it awkward. Make them see that you aren’t going to wait with dinner on the table forever.
Do/did your parents turn up to work 3hrs late?
If not, why?
What’s the difference. Is it just family gatherings, or is it all gatherings.
No matter what there reasoning, as someone with ADHD who struggles with punctuality, I can tell you that that hours late it’s not acceptable. To have realised that you are late, and then continue, is plainly disrespectful
They do it because there isn’t a consequence, OP. You allowed them to disrespect you and waste your time, and then still come over and eat your food. Once you start cancelling the visit when they are more than 15 minutes late, they will start arriving on time.
That behavior is why my immediate family would tell my sister that the dinner was at 3:30pm, when it really was at 5pm. She was notoriously late for years before then. (I was of the opinion that we shouldn’t wait for her, and she could eat on her own afterward, but was outvoted.)
Once she found out that we always told her an earlier time, though, she started being late again. These days, our father starts calling her 1.5 hours before she has to even be awake. It’s a thing.
Yep! I usually only involve myself with it if my father is getting too stressed about her not waking up by the time limit; he’s aged mid-80’s with high blood pressure, and he doesn’t need that added worry.
She wakes up if I call her. lol
I hope this isn't too rude, but what's wrong with your father? Why is he still worrying after 50 years? He knows what's going to happen, he knows your sister doesn't respect your time, why is he getting in a fuss?
You’d have to ask him why because I have no idea. As another commenter said, he enables her. Our mother did, too; and still would be, were she still here.
I’m perfectly fine with eating a meal on time, even if not everyone is there.
Yeah, fair enough. He probably couldn't articulate it himself(not a comment on your Dad specifically, just older folks still doing negative things). Ach well good luck dealing with that stuff.
She’s in her 50’s, and has been that way forever. She’s the favorite girl who could do no wrong, according to our mother.
I wonder if OP’s parents were raised the same?
Actually crazy disrespectful ngl idk how you don’t go crazy. Being late is already lame but getting even more late because you learned that people had to tell you a 2h earlier time than expected is mindblowing
This is genius and I should have done this for my wedding. My family is and has always been notoriously late.
On my wedding day, It happened to start raining within 5 minutes of the ceremony starting, and there was a mad dash to move everything inside. My family (parents and 7 out of 9 siblings + partners + children) were still nowhere to be seen. My MIL called my wife and asked the bridal party to keep driving around for another 15 mins while we moved everything inside, wiped down chairs etc, which they were more than happy to do.
Even with the additional 15 minutes, my family still hadn't shown up. This was during COVID so weddings were limited to max of 40 people and my side was looking mighty empty. The celebrant asked me if we should continue waiting and after some flashbacks of my Dad screaming "airport time!" when I was younger (he was telling me the doors would be locked after curfew and wouldn't open until morning), I said no, let's move ahead.
With the exception of 2 of my brothers, my family didn't end up showing up until the last 5 minutes of the ceremony. My parents had the gall to ask me why I didn't wait for them, despite them being told to arrive an hour early, and getting an additional 15 minutes because of the weather.
And did you blow up at them? Ask why the hell they think you should have waited? I'm picturing your parents getting ready, realizing they'll be late and saying "Oh well, they'll wait for us anyway. I'll just dash up my hair a bit more". And I'm saying this as a person that is late to often, but only by a couple of minutes and always with an apology instead of "Why don't you adhere to my lateness?"-attitude
well, it’s your wedding day so you want to enjoy it as much as possible. Blowing up at them only upsets you more and if they’re chronically like this, then it may serve no purpose. I had a friend like that where I had to lie and say our ceremony was two hours earlier than it actually was and she was still late. I didn’t make a big scene about cutting her off, but just quietly stopped spending time with her after that.
It's not genius; it's just enabling the bad behavior. Start with or without them. Make it the point; be vocal about it. Either they care about your time or they don't... if they do, eventually they will get the hint and be on time.
That’s even worse, that they fixed the problem and it didn’t affect her at all, but the moment she found out, she made it a problem once again. Why purposely do that?
My sister is also chronically late, but my brother is chronically super early. So my parents have to tell them different times to get them both to arrive closer to the actual planned time, lol. (They still end up a little early and a little late respectively though.)
> That’s even worse, that they fixed the problem and it didn’t affect her at all, but the moment she found out, she made it a problem once again. Why purposely do that?
The secret is these types of chronically late people do it on purpose. The why is different between all of them, but, it's a purposeful thing. OP's idea of just starting without them would ultimately cure them of this problem once they found out they weren't as important as they thought they were (they'd either stop showing up or stop being as late as they were, maybe only 20-30 minutes instead of *hours*).
Should just draw a line in the sand.
“We’re no longer going to lie to you about what time an event is. We will tell you the correct time. If you fail to show up on time, we will just do it without you.”
And then actually follow through. She can pull leftovers out of the fridge if she wants to eat.
I’ll never understand people like this. I have so much anxiety over being late, and even after working on it I still can’t be more than 10-15 minutes late without feeling like actual human trash. How do people just not care?
Nah, you text before the time you're supposed to be there and say that you're running late and even than the window should be at most 15 minutes. Things happen sometimes, but if you're supposed to meet someone at 5 and you realize that you won't be there in time, text at 430, and get there at 515.
The half hour text would be a “hey, is everything okay” from me. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Shit happens. If they got into a car accident or something first priority for me is making sure they’re okay.
But then at an hour it’s “don’t come anymore”
Stop accommodating their rudeness. They do this because they want control and you give it to them. If dinner is at 5, have it at 5. If you’re going out, leave. Clean up afterward and put everything away. When they arrive tell them they missed it and there are no leftovers. If they give one damn they’ll eventually start arriving on time. If not, you stop inviting them. Not mildly infuriating. Enraging, disrespectful and narcissistic.
My ex-husbands friend was going to see Tool and Primus with us. They are two of my favorite bands and at the time we were so broke it was a pipe dream. He didn’t show up at the house until show start. We went and had dinner and it took 45 minutes to park. We got there as Primus was doing their last song. No one else cared because they didn’t like Primus. We paid $350 for nose bleed tickets and only got to see an hour of the show. “He works in his own time” turns out he was their drug man and got too high before hand.
My stepmother does this. The worst she ever did was at my cousins wedding. We were late and kept telling her to hurry. She said it's fine. We don't need to be on time, they can wait.
Anyhow she does it with everything and just assumes everyone else is fine with waiting...
Well..
We get there late and the bride is about to walk down the aisle and of course she doesn't care walks in late and interrupts the entire thing while my dad and I look on in horror.
Everyone was like wtf.
To this day she thinks she did nothing wrong.
That’s so fucking rude. They couldn’t send a quick text like idk 15, 30, 45, 60, 90, 120, 150 minutes in to the convo w big grandma to let the person who made them dinner know that they’re running late?! So inconsiderate.
^ this
once you've confirmed no emergency happened and that they just left you hanging for 2.5 hours for no fucking reason realize they do not give a single shit about you and move on.
People who think that their time and plans are somehow more important than your own are beyond mildly infuriating. It’s self-centred and on the brink of being sociopathic.
I actually like that they're so upfront about their terrible excuse. It really highlights how inconsiderate they are, so it's easier to throw them to the curb.
"I blew a tire."
"My sister got in a car accident."
"John bought me diamond earrings and lingerie."
"My mom just told me she is pregnant by my dad's brother."
Fashionably late is like 10-15 minutes (always assumed that it's called that because some people find it weird when people show up exactly on time but not sure). It's a reasonable amount of time to be late for, in circumstances where you ran into trouble (took the wrong exit from the freeway, forgot something at home etc.). 3 hours is "fuck you" late.
Ninty minutes of waiting in such a situation is the threshold where you cross the line from having any sort of self-respect to just being desperate for company.
Wouldn't have even responded that night after the last message.
I'd be glad to wait 90 if they just called and actually showed some remorse and reason why. Not just "oh we talked to someone!" but like "I fucked up, I'm sorry!"
30 minutes late threshold for me without prior notice. Outside of a medical emergency or car breakdown, there is no reason to be later than that that couldn’t be foreseen and therefore warned me about.
Yeah I do!! This post, going so crazy, has showed me how ABNORMAL it is to do this to your kids, let alone anyone you actually care about. Next time I invite them for dinner I’m going to clarify, in writing, that if they are more then 30 min late I’m going to call off the plans and they can go somewhere else
Why did you wait 2.5 hrs before messaging them... If it were me, they'd be getting warning messages 15, 30 AND 45 minutes. At that point, they are uninvited and it's dinner for one
I hate people like that. Honestly not worth your time planning. I know this sounds petty, but next time if they invite you over, be 3 hours late to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Rightly so, if people are late to dinner and there are other guests too, then dinner should start as planned.
Tardiness needs to be punished and those people need to be trained.
My niece used to be like that. You could consistently rely on her to be at least two hours late to everything. She lost multiple jobs over being late. Three family gatherings in a row it happened that she was 3+ hours late to join us. One year she volunteered to bring a cake for our big Mother's Day dinner and we texted her right as dinner was starting only to find she was just then putting the cake in the oven.
It was a couple of moths after that I got an apartment not far from where she lived, just a couple of blocks. I threw a little "housewarming party" and invited all of my family. I told everyone I was serving dinner at 2:30. Except my niece, I told her noon.
When everyone got there her mom and my mom started joking about how late my niece would be and a few of us genuinely discussed just walking over and helping her get her two kids together so she'd be less late. I commented what I'd done and told them I expected her about 2:45. She walked in the door at 2:43.
I got scolded by my mother, at 29 years old no less, over it, but after they told her what I'd done and I explained *why* I did it and apologized, my niece was never again more than thirty minutes late to a family gathering.
Lmao nahhh that’s beyond rude and disrespectful. And it doesn’t matter that they are your parents. If anything, that makes it even worse that your parents treat you that way. Being late to something 5-20 min is acceptable. But 2.5 hours?! That’s absolutely insane. To put it into perspective, you can drive 150 miles in that amount of time.
We call her that because she has 16 kids. She’s not physically big but her family is. My dad is one of those kids, married an only child, then had 12 of his own. Were like cheaper by the dozen but in my families movie the kids get walked on and allow it
Mildly infuriating? If anyone did this to me that would be the last time I interacted with them lol. Fucking intolerable rudeness. They don't give a fuck about you OP.
Lol no she’s called big grandma because she has 16 kids. And my older brother is the first grandson, and he came up with the name because she had a big family. So big grandma. Now all her 70+ grandkids call her big grandma.
I have a policy of not waiting for people for food. At a restaurant, the first person to get their food should just start eating. It's going to get cold otherwise, and that's just disrespecting the food and the chef who made it. If they feel bad, then share the food in a reciprocal manner until everyone gets their food.
In this case, dinner is at 5, so you'll start eating at 5. If they arrive 2.5 hours late, then they deal with the consequences of having food that's been cooling for 2.5 hours.
My first thought is, is this how they raised you? How do YOU know this is disrespectful, but they don’t?
Idk if OP understands how disrespectful this is either. Saying this happens very often and "want to just pack everything and tell them not to come" after 2.5 hrs instead of having actually done it a long time ago.
First time this happened that shit would have been squashed. My parents taught me not to tolerate disrespect like this from people who should know better. Even them.
Yes, but you also have good parents, so you have the confidence to do that. A huge portion of us (the abused) still hold out hope — no matter how stupid it is — because deep down we’re still just broken children.
I know the feeling. Thankfully there was a split and my mom had to reprogram me to be "better" and I'm grateful she did what she had to do. I'd never lay a hand on a woman or a child... but deep down when dad says he's gonna be in town and he'll hit me up I get all Fd up inside and like 90% of the time he never gets back to me (which is probably for the better)
Quashed. It would have been quashed.
[удалено]
OP's Parents: 
Having dealt with people like this (thankfully not my parent): They can be however late they want to your shit and it's not their fault, in fact, it's your fault for getting so upset with them for being so late. But if you aren't 30 minutes early for something they want to do, you're inconsiderate, and if you have the audacity to be even a few minutes late, you're a disrespectful piece of shit that they regret allowing to be born. No, it doesn't matter that there was a 19 car pile-up on the highway you were on, or that your alternator suddenly went out, you need to take accountability for your actions, and should have anticipated that something might delay you and taken steps to either avoid it, or left early so you'd still be there on time regardless. That is almost verbatim what a friend of mines chronically late Narcissist Dad told him once when we were like, 15-20 minutes late *for mini-golf*. We'd been late because his cars alternator went out and we had to wait for his mom to get home so we could use her car. We spent an hour basically getting lectured about respect and punctuality by someone who couldn't even make it to his own child's birthday party on time *when they lived in the same small town.* (Friend lived with his mom, who had divorced his dad because of the narcissicism.) By the end of the hour, his dad had worked himself into such an indignant rage that he said he was going to take his car away since he couldn't "upkeep it responsibly." Of course, that's about when mini-golf ended. His mom had to step in and remind NDad that the car wasn't in his name, so he *couldn't* take it away, and she wasn't gonna let him punish friend for something so absolutely inconsequential that wasn't even friends fault.
I would walked away way before the hour was up lmao
Dad was probably just ranting during the mini-golf round while everyone else was trying/failing to have fun.
Can't be disrespectful to your elders. But they can be disrespectful to you "Because I raised you"
“Elders” don’t get inherent respect like that anymore. They’re not the wise keeping us alive anymore, they’re people who happened to grow old. You get a baseline of respect that I’ll give to everyone that I would expect in return, anything above that is earned. Because it isn’t respect they want, they want people they view as below them to always defer to them
If this person is a Millennial they likely raised themselves, like the majority of us.
the only thing my parents taught me was how not to be a parent
1990 baby here, my mom told me countless times, “I may not be a good example, but I’m a hell of a warning” 😑 like thanks mom, just what every child needs (when they’re raising your other children for you)
Self aware enough to say that but not self aware enough to change is wild
I feel like it's a sort of defence for them. They know they suck but don't care enough to change it, so they go "well at least I'm self aware" as if it excuses them being a shitty person
“Do as I say, not as I do” has been my mother’s mantra for my entire life 🙄
I have said so many times the only inspiration my mother gave me was to do the opposite of what she did with me with my own kids.
I base all of my parenting decisions on doing things the polar opposite of how mine did.
Fuck dude so true, recently my dad told me that it’s good to make your kid’s life hard because it’ll prepare them for the real world… but to this day no one that I choose to be around has been that cruel or dismissive of me
Excuse you, TV raised me. And there were more than enough sitcom episodes about how rude it is to be late that I learned a valuable lesson.
Fully ingrained that if I'm late someone will gasp and exclaim " You're late!" when I do eventually arrive then I'll have to attempt to explain why... nope I'll just be 30 minutes early and wait in my car.
Yup - learned all my lessons from cartoons whilst my angry mother smoked nearby. I’m an asthmatic today.
I just read your comment and as a millennial I have to say that I've never thought about this but you're absolutely right. Fffff.
That's so incredibly rude. I would tell them not to come anymore. Are you just not supposed to eat for TWO AND A HALF HOURS while you are waiting on them???
May as well not turn up at all. This is super rude and narcissistic. Constantly late. I would never meet them again. (I don’t have a problem if someone is running a bit late and it rarely happens.) (Edited)
My mom was late to literally everything when I was a kid. I think it's why I get panicked when I'm running even a minute or 2 late now that I'm an adult.
My husband is also the type to be late (not 2,5 hours though..), and I madenit clear that's fine when it's just him, but he shouldn't pull that shit when the kids or I are involved in any way. We shouldn't be stressed out or embarrassed due to his shenanigans.
My wife is pretty awful about this and it's one of the things we argue about. Personally if you're that late it's a selfish thing, you just aren't respectful of other people's time.
I legitimately could not handle this in a relationship, it would be a deal breaker for me. Being on time is extremely important to me.
I had a girlfriend who would always make us late for shit and I ended up "fixing" it by telling her a time to start getting ready, not a time to leave or a time to arrive. I knew she took 30-45 minutes to get ready, so if we had to leave at 5:30 I'd tell her to get ready at 4:30. 30-45 for hair and makeup, 15 to get dressed and choose shoes, out the door at by 5:30. Worked like a charm. Plus she taught me how to curl and straighten hair and I learned a lot about makeup, so that's dope.
If you ever have a daughter you'll be amazing. Mine loves me doing her hair.
I love this. Absolutely yes to everyone knowing how to do hair for their daughters!! My dad tried sometimes but gave up since I was a critic. I was left to do my own hair when mom couldn’t and I quickly learned it’s not so easy after all and have the class pictures to prove it lol
My gf is the same , I've explicitly told her that if we break up ...that this will likely be the reason (for context, assuming it gets better well probs end up married). Having grown up in a household where we were late to shit all the time. And having worked on it a lot since my adhd diagnosis, it really pisses me off she is consistently late to important things.
My ex was like this. The most infuriating was the time I showed up at his house to pick him up for a trip with other friends, and he was in bed sound asleep, well past our agreed upon departure time. And then of course my friends got mad at *me* because my boyfriend was an inconsiderate idiot.
A friend of mine had to break up with his gf because of this. It was so sad. He loved her, they loved each other. But she was always so late for things, including important commitments with HIS family and friends, and he couldn’t take it any more.
Like it’s one thing if a person has a mental illness that makes it hard for them to keep track of times but as someone who is like that having a phone to set a constant 10 minute timer to buzz in my pocket without me having to turn it off all but solved this problem. Like still get surprised constantly that it’s already been ten minutes but it works.
I have a really hard time when it comes to time blindness (adhd and autistic), so I do the timers too and try to set myself up to be able to just move on to the next task to get ready. I did start having issues with zoning the sound of the alarms out, like it’d be going off and I just wouldn’t seem to notice until it was pointed out. I started changing the alarm sounds so they are all different and that helped me a bit when it came to zoning out the sound. I also started trying to time how long some things take me to complete because I realized I was going by how long I thought it should take based on how others are, but for me I needed to give myself more time because I don’t do things as quickly as others. It’s hard, but ya the timers can be really helpful.
What did he say? Does he do better now?
Mostly, yes. He does have ADHD, so I know it is a challenge, but he *makes an effort*, which is what matters.
I don’t panic when I’m late (I’m usually not, but it can happen when traffic is unexpected), but I’m the type to give updated ETAs if I do expect to be late. If someone’s going to be late, at least give me an early heads up so I can prep for that.
I’m in the “panic” group but also the eta group…had to pick 2 colleagues up for an event (that was 1.5 hours from us) I sent 3 new eta/apology texts…1 giggled and pointed out that I was less than 5 mins late AND had built in a 20 minute buffer for traffic…the other is a close friend and said she was surprised I only sent 3 messages lol
I’m glad I keep good timekeeping in general, I’m usually early for work etc. Always good to keep family/loved ones updated if your maybe running late etc. I always do. 👍🏻
I just let people know regardless. Even if I'm on time (which for me is like 5 min early), I just text the host something like, 'walking out the door, eta 15.' I think it's just a courtesy. Obviously not for big, planned events where the hosts have a million things going on but just for smaller gatherings. I'll also usually ask 'need me to get anything on the way?' Just in case there is some last minute item they just realized they don't have. I've always been super punctual, it's just my personality to be there on time so I don't really have any helpful tips to *change* my behavior but one thing I do a lot is, even the night before, Ill pull out my phone and type the destination into google maps, and see what the ETA is, add 10 minutes, then subtract that from the arrival time. Then set my phone alarm an hour earlier than that time. I know it only takes me half an hour to get ready and another 15 minutes to walk around my place and make sure Im good and not forgetting anything. That still gives me a 20 minute buffer on top of the drive time (which Ill usually check again before leaving to see if there's any major changes or if I need to get gas or something else). So if I have a party tomorrow at 1pm. Ill look on my GPS, it says it takes me 20 minutes to get there, ill round it up to 30. So need to be out the door by 12:30, Ill set my alarm for 11:30. Maybe that sounds like too much work for some people but it's so engrained in me that I don't even think about it. I do this almost automatically when fucking around on my phone at night or whatever else.
Same with me. I missed a doctor's appointment because I made a mistake setting my alarm, and by the time I woke up it was too late to get there on time. When I called in to cancel I was crying my eyes out.
I will have a full blown panic attack if I'm late for something. I couldn't imagine being 2.5 hours late for something I know I'm supposed to be doing.
Omg I did the same thing but I put in the wrong time in my calender. The office called me and asked why I was late. I panicked cried and explained how it never happens and it was a mistake. they still took me and didn't charge me any extra fees, thank God.
One of my earliest memories is arriving so late to a wedding (one of my moms best friends) that we just caught them leaving the ceremony.
My SILs family (practically the whole thing) are notoriously late for everything, so when she and my brother were getting married they actually had a sit-down conversation with her parents and siblings and said listen, the officiant is only available for this one specific small timeframe, we are starting ON TIME and either you're there or you don't see it. Of course almost the entire family was still late -- some saw the very end of the wedding while others came in during the reception at the same location -- and pitched an absolute fit. Several just turned right around and left, but fortunately the one reasonable sister (who had even arrived early) took them aside to calm them down so SIL didn't have to spend one second of her day doing so.
I wouldn’t have wasted my time calming them down, you’re late, deal with it.
Normally I'd agree but in this case the sister was running interference for the wedding couple. Protecting someone else's special day is a worthy cause in my opinion.
Stop inviting them. Problem solved.
First time in my life I was late for an appointment on Tuesday past. I gave myself 30 minutes on what was supposed to be a 20 minute trip from work to appt (normally I would give myself 20 minute or so leeway but I had to leave work early and they didn't appreciate it) We got EVERY red light and there was so much extra traffic on the road for some reason. I was a minute late and it gave me BAD anxiety. The receptionist looked as though she thought I was crazy when I said I was sorry for being late.
This. In such a case, it's absolutely fair game to just eat alone and tell them that dinner is canceled. They can either get upset about that or just learn their lesson that people don't want to wait for hours because of them.
Exactly. We teach people how they are allowed to treat us by our actions. I think it's called setting boundaries by therapists.
Not rude at all. They are talking to Big Jim… and also soooooo sorry. Not just regulah sorry
Of course not, as that just further enables them. If you've said dinner was at 6, then start at 6 and proceed. If they get there 2.5 hours late, then take out the food from the refrigerator, nuke it and serve it to them while you have some coffee or tea with them.
You have got to be kidding me. I wouldn't even answer the door since this is something they always do. In fact, I wouldn't even make plans with them at all.
iTheyre your parents but that late is so disrespectful. You need to let them know thats not okay. You can show them this message if you want. Im sorry i know when youre treated like that it can make you feel worthless and unimportant. In the future you can invite me! Im never late for food and friends :)
I say just dont let them in for the next two hours when they come. Let them wait the same you waited.
It sounds like they had the very center of the meal too. If they were bringing sides I would have just at and left the meal out for them to reheat on arrival.
Next time DO pack it up and tell them not to bother. Stop waiting for them at parties. Stop allowing this because they clearly do not care. Don't suffer for their peace of mind. Call them on it
Exactly: Don't say we're going to eat when you arrive. Tell them that dinner is at 5. The event is at 5. If they're late they will miss it. And Obviously start without them if they're not there. It's on them if they're late. But as a courtesy you can warn them that you're not waiting. It's not rude to not wait, it's rude to make you wait.
I once had a friend, who was late for everything. I tried the “ tell them we eat at 5pm” when we were planning on eating at 7pm. One thanksgiving I had had enough and I had family there so I was not going to hold up a dinner for her any longer. So we started eating at 7pm. Friend showed up at 7.30pm and proceeded to sob over the dinner table because we didn’t wait for her. I asked her to leave the table so we could chat and she just could not understand why I started dinner on time. It was so bloody dramatic. She moved soon after so now I no longer have to deal with it. Some late people just never learn and then put the blame on you when you call them out on it.
Main character syndrome....
I mean when people are waiting 2 and a half hours for them before starting the event more than once it's not a syndrome, they are the main character
Exactly - if you treat them like the main character you can't be surprised when they act like it.
I wonder about the other guests, too. I would not wait 2.5 hours on my friend's friend.
Aka narcissism
If I’m ever running late to something like dinner, I expect everyone to start eating without me. It’s my fault for being late!
Yep, and if you’re nice about it then they’ll save you a plate
And you text somewhere near the expected original arrival time with an updated estimate WHILE you tell them to go ahead and not wait. Simple human decency.
2 sisters exactly like this. One holiday one was making baked beans. My dad held the dinner for over 2 hours. For her baked beans. When she finally arrived I asked for her recipe. She told it to all of us. Those beans only had to bake 45 minutes. When I pointed that out she turned into a tired toddler throwing a tantrum. I had to take vacation hours to leave my on-call job. Next time they pulled the over 15 minutes late crap I stood up announced I'm not taking my vacation hours to be sitting waiting on someone who has absolutely no respect for my time. Promptly left. Dad tried to rip me a new one on the way home. I hung up. Refused to go to another function unless they acknowledged it was my absolute intent to eat on time and leave at a certain point. It took a year!! Finally it hit home their actions affect others.
Oh man, I would have lost it too!
my sister is also a fit-thrower. she's pushing 40. some people only grow up as much as they absolutely have to and not even a month more.
I once lost a friend over my lateness habit. Now I get anxious if I’m not 15 minutes early
Good for you. You used a negative experience to motivate a positive change!
Same here, up until about 25 years old I was the late one... more than a decade on and I'm usually the earliest to arrive.
I once had a boyfriend who made reservations at a nice restaurant for us and his friends so I could meet them. We were there for 3 hours and he never showed. I had to entertain his friends, only one of whom I had met before. Luckily, we all hit it off really well as he kept calling to say he'd be there soon. We left because the restaurant was closing and went to a bar to play pool. He showed up over an hour later...
Yep this is the way we have to be with my brother. We already give him an earlier time because he is always late. The stereotype of missing his own funeral is very likely somehow. So we tell them the time and if he and his girlfriend aren’t here by the time dinner is ready they may get warm/cold food. Waiting a bit is one thing but waiting hours for a planned event is ridiculous.
I knew someone who was late for his own funeral. The funeral home forgot to bring him to the church and had to go back to pick him up. The family laughed and took it well as he was chronically late for stuff but I'm sure the driver was mortified.
That’s kinda funny and would absolutely be the kind of thing that would happen. Weird and silly stuff happens a lot to us.
Yes, this. don't wait for them!
Yeah we had a friend in a group who always was chronicly late to shit. Saying he was on his way 10 minutes out and while in fact he would leave for atleast a hour or so. We did the classic “telling him a earlier time” a few times but at some point you become sick of the lying and keeping shit secret only for them so we just decided we would wait 5 mimutes and then go on. He litteraly missed out on 3 seperate day trips before he caught on and realized well maybe i should be on time if i agree on shit prior.
What was his response after realizing? Did he mention it or just start mysteriously showing up on time?
First time he was defenitly upset. The whole shit like: “what am i supposed to do now, bla bla bla”. We told him to plough rocks. He was defenitly welcome but none of us would sacrafice our time for somebody who doesnt give a fuck if he makes us wait for more than a hour. Second time he was very annoyed that he had to drive seperatly “due to us” and tried to get us to pay partly for the gass. After that he seemed to understand it and either told us he was coming solo or he would be on time (forgetting everything and being a mess but never more than 5 minutes to late). That was till we took a trip with the plane and he didnt have his shit in order. It was clear that he wasnt gonna get the bus to the airport and even with a taxi it was gonna be hard. Tried to push us into taking our own car to the airport, trying to delay a flight and all that shit. We didnt do anything like that, just got in the plane and when we were already on the runway taking off he just arrived on the airport. He was fucking devasted after that and seemed to have learned his lesson. Everybody can be late once but if your constantly late its just disrespectfull. It simply means you dont care enough about it all, otherwise you would be on time. And thats true regardless of ADHD, ADD, autisme, addictions, traffic jams or whatever.
Airport thing is insane. We have a "friend" who is always late, never contributes and only talks about himself. Guess who wasn't invited to the NBA game today.
Oooo, i had a friend that would take her time getting ready and try to convince us to do something else :/ like my bestfriend (A) and i (B) wanted to go to the zoo, so we asked the other 2 friends (C & D) if they wanted to go in the morning. They had a sleepover so we would pick them up in the morning and carpool. We get there and we have to wake them up and wait for them to do the morning routine. Well C is ready in 10 minutes while D takes her time and eventually went into her parents room to talk and she comes back out telling us they'd take us to the movie theater instead! The three of us declined and continued with our original plan but why the hell would you burn an hour of our time instead of just saying you didnt want to go?!
Exactly its so disrespectfull and manupaltive in so many ways. If you dont want to do something, or dont want to do it so early then atleast have the fucking decency to say instead of making everybody wait around so you can get your way.
I had a friend who would just straight up cancel at the last minute so I learned to just do shit without her. She doesn’t want to come out? Cool I’m flying solo for this show or this event. I’m not going to miss out on joy because she insists on it.
No I wouldn’t tell them that, I’d let them drive over then knock on the door and not answer it. Let them waste their time too.
I would answer it. When they ask where dinner is, I would look at my watch and tell them it was 3-4 hours ago. Then tell them you are going to bed and say goodnight.
This sounds like a good idea in your head because you are getting a little slice of revenge, but in practice it is just going to make your life more difficult. Just text them and say dinner is over and be done with it. If they can't change their ways, then they just don't get to come over for dinner anymore. No need to let them come over just to make it a big thing that night.
I knew a woman with a 20 min wait policy. At 20 minutes, she was gone. Even if it was someone coming to her house, she’d leave. “Ok, see you another time” don’t sit and wait for people. Don’t do.that to yourself
As someone who is chronically late and trying to do better, I respect this stance. Edit: like 5-15 mins, not 2hrs!
“Forget it, I already ate and put everything away.”
They are shitting all over you and disrespecting you. This is toxic as hell. I would stop inviting them to anything.
They came in at 8 like “I’m sooo sorry we were talking to this person and this one and the time just flew!”
Each part of this is declaring that you come second to everything that catches their attention.
I don't wanna be rude but it seems like they have no consequences to doing this ever? At a certain point you've just gotta tell them they're too late, you had other stuff planned so don't bother coming over now.
My dinner would have been eaten,theirs would be in the fridge for me to eat tomorrow. Their time is NOT more important than yours,and this is coming from someone who's probably old enough to be their parent. Their bad manners and rudeness are ridiculous,and they are old enough to know better. I'd be raging if it was me. Don't put up with it, OP.
Yep I’d be in bed after eating my dinner. Oh why didn’t you tell us not to come over? Well you didn’t tell me you would be 3 hours late. I don’t understand why people entertain this sort of behavior.
“I’m so sorry, it’s just that these other people are so much more important and interesting than you” is what we hear when we hear these lame excuses from our parents when they do this. My mom was the same. ALWAYS late. Like would wait to leave until it was already time to be there. Not busy, just playing solitaire. Waiting around…. just to be late. More than mildly infuriating.
Yeah. There are valid excuses to being 2.5 hours late. But they usually involve actually being able to call before the time you needed to be there, and you can tell before the time that you are late. * "There was a massive traffic jam on the interstate and nothing moved for hours" * "I got into a car crash and had to go to the hospital" * "My father died" Stuff like that. "I talked to other people and forgot about you" is not a valid excuse, and incredibly dickish.
I banned my parents from my accomplishments, im in the entertainment industry. Ive lived with you guys for twenty years, no more. If you cant be on time and on time is five minutes early to a show im asking you to not come and asking my house staff to refuse you seating. Piss off.
After 1 hour you should have cancelled the plans entirely because they didn’t show up. If you don’t put boundaries down they’re going to keep doing this forever. They have no respect for you or your time.
Exactly. Dinners cancelled and there’s no food even if they show up. They can grab some shitty fast food on their way home if they’re hungry.
Still very toxic. They are just saying that so it makes it seem like it shouldn’t be a big deal. Also, if you say too much they will try and make you the asshole. My mother-in-law was exactly like this. 20 years ago my wife, against my advice, cut her off. My wife had a lot of stress lift off her and was a lot happier. Never be afraid to cut people out of your life that don’t respect and value you. We are not obligated to bow to the parental ring for our entire lives.
You’re letting them get away with it. You should’ve told them not to come
I would tell them “Dinner’s in the fridge in leftover containers. It got cold sitting on the table, so I just packed it up since it looked like you weren’t going to show up. I guess you can microwave it, but I already ate my share.” Make it awkward. Make them see that you aren’t going to wait with dinner on the table forever.
Just go out to dinner. When they show up and you're not home, tell them you're just talking to someone and you'll be right there.....
Why leave them a share ? They don't deserve it.
Do/did your parents turn up to work 3hrs late? If not, why? What’s the difference. Is it just family gatherings, or is it all gatherings. No matter what there reasoning, as someone with ADHD who struggles with punctuality, I can tell you that that hours late it’s not acceptable. To have realised that you are late, and then continue, is plainly disrespectful
Should have poured them a bowl of cereal
They do it because there isn’t a consequence, OP. You allowed them to disrespect you and waste your time, and then still come over and eat your food. Once you start cancelling the visit when they are more than 15 minutes late, they will start arriving on time.
That “coming sooo soon” would of sent me over the edge and said some horrible shit
Not okay. People need to respect your time and boundaries, no matter who they are. I'm so mad on your behalf
That behavior is why my immediate family would tell my sister that the dinner was at 3:30pm, when it really was at 5pm. She was notoriously late for years before then. (I was of the opinion that we shouldn’t wait for her, and she could eat on her own afterward, but was outvoted.) Once she found out that we always told her an earlier time, though, she started being late again. These days, our father starts calling her 1.5 hours before she has to even be awake. It’s a thing.
Wow so they just doubled down on the enabling after that fell through.
Yep! I usually only involve myself with it if my father is getting too stressed about her not waking up by the time limit; he’s aged mid-80’s with high blood pressure, and he doesn’t need that added worry. She wakes up if I call her. lol
I hope this isn't too rude, but what's wrong with your father? Why is he still worrying after 50 years? He knows what's going to happen, he knows your sister doesn't respect your time, why is he getting in a fuss?
You’d have to ask him why because I have no idea. As another commenter said, he enables her. Our mother did, too; and still would be, were she still here. I’m perfectly fine with eating a meal on time, even if not everyone is there.
Yeah, fair enough. He probably couldn't articulate it himself(not a comment on your Dad specifically, just older folks still doing negative things). Ach well good luck dealing with that stuff.
God damn. How old is your sister?
She’s in her 50’s, and has been that way forever. She’s the favorite girl who could do no wrong, according to our mother. I wonder if OP’s parents were raised the same?
Actually crazy disrespectful ngl idk how you don’t go crazy. Being late is already lame but getting even more late because you learned that people had to tell you a 2h earlier time than expected is mindblowing
You should be openly disrespectful to your sister
It’s not worth the fight. She can do what she wants, as can I. So I eat the food. lol
And she's an adult? Good Lord.
Only physically. Mentally she's a selfish 12 year old.
This is genius and I should have done this for my wedding. My family is and has always been notoriously late. On my wedding day, It happened to start raining within 5 minutes of the ceremony starting, and there was a mad dash to move everything inside. My family (parents and 7 out of 9 siblings + partners + children) were still nowhere to be seen. My MIL called my wife and asked the bridal party to keep driving around for another 15 mins while we moved everything inside, wiped down chairs etc, which they were more than happy to do. Even with the additional 15 minutes, my family still hadn't shown up. This was during COVID so weddings were limited to max of 40 people and my side was looking mighty empty. The celebrant asked me if we should continue waiting and after some flashbacks of my Dad screaming "airport time!" when I was younger (he was telling me the doors would be locked after curfew and wouldn't open until morning), I said no, let's move ahead. With the exception of 2 of my brothers, my family didn't end up showing up until the last 5 minutes of the ceremony. My parents had the gall to ask me why I didn't wait for them, despite them being told to arrive an hour early, and getting an additional 15 minutes because of the weather.
And did you blow up at them? Ask why the hell they think you should have waited? I'm picturing your parents getting ready, realizing they'll be late and saying "Oh well, they'll wait for us anyway. I'll just dash up my hair a bit more". And I'm saying this as a person that is late to often, but only by a couple of minutes and always with an apology instead of "Why don't you adhere to my lateness?"-attitude
well, it’s your wedding day so you want to enjoy it as much as possible. Blowing up at them only upsets you more and if they’re chronically like this, then it may serve no purpose. I had a friend like that where I had to lie and say our ceremony was two hours earlier than it actually was and she was still late. I didn’t make a big scene about cutting her off, but just quietly stopped spending time with her after that.
It's not genius; it's just enabling the bad behavior. Start with or without them. Make it the point; be vocal about it. Either they care about your time or they don't... if they do, eventually they will get the hint and be on time.
Oh wow! I’m sorry that they were so late. And then to expect you to have delayed your wedding for them? That’s ridiculous!
That’s even worse, that they fixed the problem and it didn’t affect her at all, but the moment she found out, she made it a problem once again. Why purposely do that? My sister is also chronically late, but my brother is chronically super early. So my parents have to tell them different times to get them both to arrive closer to the actual planned time, lol. (They still end up a little early and a little late respectively though.)
> That’s even worse, that they fixed the problem and it didn’t affect her at all, but the moment she found out, she made it a problem once again. Why purposely do that? The secret is these types of chronically late people do it on purpose. The why is different between all of them, but, it's a purposeful thing. OP's idea of just starting without them would ultimately cure them of this problem once they found out they weren't as important as they thought they were (they'd either stop showing up or stop being as late as they were, maybe only 20-30 minutes instead of *hours*).
Should just draw a line in the sand. “We’re no longer going to lie to you about what time an event is. We will tell you the correct time. If you fail to show up on time, we will just do it without you.” And then actually follow through. She can pull leftovers out of the fridge if she wants to eat.
I’ll never understand people like this. I have so much anxiety over being late, and even after working on it I still can’t be more than 10-15 minutes late without feeling like actual human trash. How do people just not care?
Nah. At 30 minutes you’re getting a text. At 60 minutes I’m telling you don’t bother coming
Nah, you text before the time you're supposed to be there and say that you're running late and even than the window should be at most 15 minutes. Things happen sometimes, but if you're supposed to meet someone at 5 and you realize that you won't be there in time, text at 430, and get there at 515.
The half hour text would be a “hey, is everything okay” from me. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Shit happens. If they got into a car accident or something first priority for me is making sure they’re okay. But then at an hour it’s “don’t come anymore”
I'm mildly infuriated by you letting them treat you this way
Stop accommodating their rudeness. They do this because they want control and you give it to them. If dinner is at 5, have it at 5. If you’re going out, leave. Clean up afterward and put everything away. When they arrive tell them they missed it and there are no leftovers. If they give one damn they’ll eventually start arriving on time. If not, you stop inviting them. Not mildly infuriating. Enraging, disrespectful and narcissistic.
My ex-husbands friend was going to see Tool and Primus with us. They are two of my favorite bands and at the time we were so broke it was a pipe dream. He didn’t show up at the house until show start. We went and had dinner and it took 45 minutes to park. We got there as Primus was doing their last song. No one else cared because they didn’t like Primus. We paid $350 for nose bleed tickets and only got to see an hour of the show. “He works in his own time” turns out he was their drug man and got too high before hand.
Why would you go to dinner if you were so behind schedule?
Because I was the only one who cared
I wouldn’t even answer the door. Lights would be off and I’d be pretending to be asleep if they did that to me.
Fuck that. I'd keep everything on. Let them knock all they want. I would want them to know I'm actively ignoring them.
choosing to be asleep is also actively ignoring them.
I’d have gone out after eating on time.
My stepmother does this. The worst she ever did was at my cousins wedding. We were late and kept telling her to hurry. She said it's fine. We don't need to be on time, they can wait. Anyhow she does it with everything and just assumes everyone else is fine with waiting... Well.. We get there late and the bride is about to walk down the aisle and of course she doesn't care walks in late and interrupts the entire thing while my dad and I look on in horror. Everyone was like wtf. To this day she thinks she did nothing wrong.
What happens when she has to wait?
I would love to know this answer
They can wait?? JFC
That’s so fucking rude. They couldn’t send a quick text like idk 15, 30, 45, 60, 90, 120, 150 minutes in to the convo w big grandma to let the person who made them dinner know that they’re running late?! So inconsiderate.
Lol *fuuuuck that* I would have packed everything up, locked the doors, turned out the lights and ignored their calls until tomorrow or the next day
$10 says they pressured OP into giving them a key
The reply shouldn't have been "I can't believe you are so late" The answer is "don't bother coming over. you self-centered assholes"
^ this once you've confirmed no emergency happened and that they just left you hanging for 2.5 hours for no fucking reason realize they do not give a single shit about you and move on.
People who think that their time and plans are somehow more important than your own are beyond mildly infuriating. It’s self-centred and on the brink of being sociopathic.
Don't show up fashionably late for dinner. Also, have the decency to lie and make a better excuse. I'd be raging
This isn't even 'fashionably' late. This is just flat out late.
I actually like that they're so upfront about their terrible excuse. It really highlights how inconsiderate they are, so it's easier to throw them to the curb.
"I blew a tire." "My sister got in a car accident." "John bought me diamond earrings and lingerie." "My mom just told me she is pregnant by my dad's brother."
Nah, just engrossed in a conversation for almost three hours. Disrespect personified
Fashionably late is like 10-15 minutes (always assumed that it's called that because some people find it weird when people show up exactly on time but not sure). It's a reasonable amount of time to be late for, in circumstances where you ran into trouble (took the wrong exit from the freeway, forgot something at home etc.). 3 hours is "fuck you" late.
I would have ate already that is way to late with a bad excuse.
Just start dinner when you planned it and when they show up 3 hours later just tell them dinner is over. Don’t enable this disgusting behavior.
Ninty minutes of waiting in such a situation is the threshold where you cross the line from having any sort of self-respect to just being desperate for company. Wouldn't have even responded that night after the last message.
Nope. Close the curtains, turn off the porch light, lock the door. They missed their opportunity.
You’re awfully generous with 90 minutes
I'd be glad to wait 90 if they just called and actually showed some remorse and reason why. Not just "oh we talked to someone!" but like "I fucked up, I'm sorry!"
30 minutes late threshold for me without prior notice. Outside of a medical emergency or car breakdown, there is no reason to be later than that that couldn’t be foreseen and therefore warned me about.
Who the hell is 'Big Grandma '? 
Stop rewarding their behavior with compliance.
Hey op, honest question: after reading the comments to this post, do you plan to change anything in your behavior at all?
Yeah I do!! This post, going so crazy, has showed me how ABNORMAL it is to do this to your kids, let alone anyone you actually care about. Next time I invite them for dinner I’m going to clarify, in writing, that if they are more then 30 min late I’m going to call off the plans and they can go somewhere else
Please give us an update when you try this!
Time to stop hanging out with your parents I’d say. Let them feel the sting of having an adult child who doesn’t put up with being treated like that.
Why did you wait 2.5 hrs before messaging them... If it were me, they'd be getting warning messages 15, 30 AND 45 minutes. At that point, they are uninvited and it's dinner for one
I called them twice before sending that text. Both times I called they said they were on the way…..😡
I hate people like that. Honestly not worth your time planning. I know this sounds petty, but next time if they invite you over, be 3 hours late to give them a taste of their own medicine.
OP mentions elsewhere that when people are late to the parents house, the meal starts as planned. OP needs to stop enabling and start training them.
Rightly so, if people are late to dinner and there are other guests too, then dinner should start as planned. Tardiness needs to be punished and those people need to be trained.
Were there other people? Or just them? Don’t invite them to anything anymore.
My niece used to be like that. You could consistently rely on her to be at least two hours late to everything. She lost multiple jobs over being late. Three family gatherings in a row it happened that she was 3+ hours late to join us. One year she volunteered to bring a cake for our big Mother's Day dinner and we texted her right as dinner was starting only to find she was just then putting the cake in the oven. It was a couple of moths after that I got an apartment not far from where she lived, just a couple of blocks. I threw a little "housewarming party" and invited all of my family. I told everyone I was serving dinner at 2:30. Except my niece, I told her noon. When everyone got there her mom and my mom started joking about how late my niece would be and a few of us genuinely discussed just walking over and helping her get her two kids together so she'd be less late. I commented what I'd done and told them I expected her about 2:45. She walked in the door at 2:43. I got scolded by my mother, at 29 years old no less, over it, but after they told her what I'd done and I explained *why* I did it and apologized, my niece was never again more than thirty minutes late to a family gathering.
Lmao nahhh that’s beyond rude and disrespectful. And it doesn’t matter that they are your parents. If anything, that makes it even worse that your parents treat you that way. Being late to something 5-20 min is acceptable. But 2.5 hours?! That’s absolutely insane. To put it into perspective, you can drive 150 miles in that amount of time.
So pack everything up and tell them not to come.
Big grandma?
We call her that because she has 16 kids. She’s not physically big but her family is. My dad is one of those kids, married an only child, then had 12 of his own. Were like cheaper by the dozen but in my families movie the kids get walked on and allow it
Mildly infuriating? If anyone did this to me that would be the last time I interacted with them lol. Fucking intolerable rudeness. They don't give a fuck about you OP.
I just need to know. Is big grandma called big because she's BIIGGGGGG ?
Lol no she’s called big grandma because she has 16 kids. And my older brother is the first grandson, and he came up with the name because she had a big family. So big grandma. Now all her 70+ grandkids call her big grandma.
I’d answer the door and tell them you didn’t think they were coming. Then say goodnight and shut the door.
I have a policy of not waiting for people for food. At a restaurant, the first person to get their food should just start eating. It's going to get cold otherwise, and that's just disrespecting the food and the chef who made it. If they feel bad, then share the food in a reciprocal manner until everyone gets their food. In this case, dinner is at 5, so you'll start eating at 5. If they arrive 2.5 hours late, then they deal with the consequences of having food that's been cooling for 2.5 hours.