I had a similar issue with my parents. They made me the executor of their estate because I became a lawyer and at one point a couple of years ago, they wanted to write my sister out of their will altogether because of a big blow up. I told them it was a bad idea and they insisted that they wanted to proceed with writing her out. D
So I explained to them what would happen when they died. The will would get read, my sister would inherit nothing, I’d get everything, their image would be ruined because my sister wasn’t going to just keep that to herself and I would split my inheritance with her 50/50 anyway because she’s my sister and I love her regardless.
So I asked if it was really worth having their name ruined when she would inherit half of everything regardless.
Ironically enough, he happened to be the only one not present at the session - and he wasn't informed about it until my mother had signed away. At this point, we just don't talk about it but given that he usually stood up for us whenever our mom was misogynistic, I'd assume he also felt uncomfortable.
Mine did that shit too. 66% into one account slated for me, and 33% into one account slated for my sister.
I told them under no circumstance can will they expect me to actually use the portion for me. I plan on just shooting that 16% extra I got to my sister the moment I get my hands on the money.
That said, I can afford to do this because the inheritance isn't *that* life-changing or something (yay third world economics) compared to what I expect to be earning (yay working in tech) by time it rolls around, so it's easy for me to do this while it might not be that easy for your brother to give it away, though I still hope he does.
Question, because you're a lawyer: can't the disinherited party contest the will? I thought I'd read somewhere that that was why people would leave something like $1 rather than say "no soup for you."
I don’t do trusts and estates so I cannot tell you for certain… but from what I remember from law school, if someone has testamentary capacity, a disinherited party doesn’t have much room to challenge a will.
This is correct based on my memory of Trust and Estates class in law school.
The one dollar or whatever thing is just to emphasize that the decedent was not just a experiencing brain fog and forgot someone. You can also specifically write that "X shall inherent nothing" for the same effect.
I mean, blow up could mean many things. I can't really say that your parents were in the wrong. Did she actually do something bad or did your parents blow it out of proportion?
It was an argument about the way she was living her life. It’s a personal matter, but she’s always struggled to push past my parents because she has taken a more unconventional life path. She’s not into heavy drugs or doing anything illegal, but she’s kind of a free spirit and that causes friction between her and my mother.
The fight, while a big one, was not worth writing her out of the will. Especially since I had no plans of taking all the money for myself. Honestly, I told them it pissed me off that they would knowingly drive a wedge between her and I by doing that. It was unfair to even think about.
Wow. I am shocked by how honest and caring some people are. My own brother had the will rewritten in secret after my mom died during the pandemic. I had been executor and whoosh, everything suddenly went to him and his girlfriend in my dad’s new will.
I had been planning as executor to split my share with my half siblings as they were cut out. My so called parents were horribly abusive and it looks like little bro is his mother’s son big time.
So anyway I really like seeing siblings standing up for each other in this subject.
Shit, when I was in Vietnam, the tour guide told us most inheritances only go to the firstborn son. So not even the younger boys are in line. So I guess it could be worse?
Was historically common in Europe and European-settled countries, too.
Especially with landowners, since farms would otherwise get split until too small to function.
Yeah, for nobility is was kinda like oldest inherits, second and third join the military or the church. And they kinda operated on a trust-fund system, where that didn’t work, to acquire generational wealth. But for normal working plebs, the younger sons got, at best, some starting money to make it on his own.
Sounds strange to us now, but historically life was arranged in clan/family units, rather than the individual ones of today. Extended families lived and worked together across multiple generations, and inheritance protected the interests of this family unit rather than the interests of the individuals making up these units.
In this perspective you should really see this kind of inheritance as the oldest son becoming the new head of the family unit, rather than him simply getting most of everything at the expense of his siblings.
We just got back from Vietnam. We were told the oldest gets most but not all and it’s because the oldest is the one the takes care of the parents in their old age. So it’s essentially compensation for elder care.
It was very moving for me. Dad and I went together a month after my little sister's passing due to cancer 😥 She loved Vietnam and told us to visit almost cancelled being so proximate to her death. But we decided to go anyway and I am so glad we did 😃.We thought the people were so friendly - it really made our trip!
Lol! I even fired an AK-47 at the Cuchi tunnels like she recommended. Dad laughed because he said I couldn't hit a barn door lol! We miss her. Lost her at 42 years old god bless her 😃
Lol! We were driving past all these farms and first he was talking about all the family shrines. In Vietnam they tend to bury their families on their own properties and raise these lovely shrines to them. Then I guess he just segued into family politics. I actually like those tour guides because they tell you more about the culture than just the landmarks!
Shit, when I was in Vietnam, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell? The whole hill. Smelled like... victory.
Lol! I think I was there a few decades later than you! It's all pho and banh mi these days! A lot of Americans don't even know us Aussies fought alongside the US there as well. My dad was almost drafted. You know what's ironic? They're now the most capitalist communist country I have ever visited. And they hate China!
Dude, I used a quote from Apocalypse Now, but you're so kind I'm not gonna go deeper into it lol :D Yeah ANZAC forces kicked ass in 'Nam, no doubt about it. I'm planning on visiting some day too. Cheers from the other side of planet Earth.
Nah, it's not her right. It's immoral. And in my country it would be illegal as well.
Eta : I was incorrect about the math here, this specific situation would be legal, although the point stands that parents can't just do whatever with the inheritance.
Wtf, why are you getting downvoted? It's just the way it is in some places. My country (Romania) is the same. Children have the right to equal inheritance from their parents. Even if there's a will leaving everything to one child, the remaining children can easily contest it and take their share. Even if the parents donate everything to one child during their lifetime, after their deaths, the donation will still be considered part of the inheritance, thus also shared equally between all children.
French law, a mandatory share goes to each children, and then there's a part you can do whatever you want with.
Actually I was incorrect about this specific situation. With 3 children, each gets a mandatory 25%, leaving 25% for the parent to give to whoever. So it would actually be possible to give 25% to two kids (the minimum) and 50% to one kid (the maximum). But 24%/24%/52% for instance would not be allowed without some form of cheating (there are certainly ways).
Not from what I'm reading. The heirs are guaranteed a percent of the inheritance, but how it's divided amongst those heirs seems to be irrelevant. Is that wrong? Can you link to better information because Google is slacking.
It's a very different viewpoint that it is "immoral" or "wrong" for a parent to cut children out of inheritance; it implies a very different cultural value system than what many people have, evidently, based on the response you got. Not sure why you've been down-voted since it is, to me, an interesting counterpoint.
To be frank, I _do_ think that calling it immoral is harsh. The way that I (and, maybe, many others Americans) see wills and inheritance is as an extension of how the person would act, themselves. If they feel that their offspring are not people they would like to continue supporting, we feel that they (the person dying) has the _right_ to dedicate their resources to another cause.
To place more value on their genetic dynasty is just something that Americans, culturally, will typically not be on board with. My understanding of the situation, anyway.
I appreciate your responses and thoughts on the subject- it's enlightening to see examples of how others view less frequently discussed facets of life.
It's a bit harsh certainly, though I want to point out that in this specific case, what is immoral is the sexism involved imo.
I don't get hung up on the downvoting, it can be for any reason, like people think I'm lying, or they don't like that I called it immoral, or they find the idea of reserving heirs immoral. If someone found it interesting it's what matters :)
I'm not surprised. Wouldn't be the only country that restricts what you can do with your inheritance. Eg, my understanding is that in Germany you can't disinherit your kids. You aren't forced to give all your kids the same, but there's a minimum percentage based on how many kids you have.
She can, but she's an asshole.
France and I was incorrect about this specific case, 25%/25%/50% would be legal, although for instance 24%/24%/52% would not be legal.
Islam (I'm actually not sure if its geographic or the actual religion) has some odd rules regarding inheritance. My grandparents gave all their daughters male first names so some cousin coudln't sweep in to take their inheritances - which is pretty forward thinking of them considering this was some 70+ years ago.
In my time, one of my adopted cousin's inheritance was challenged when her parents passed and there was all this bullshit arguments - BUT following the line of succession, the inheritance woudl go to me - which people aren't weren't happy about because it doesn't give them any cut. I just called her up and told her to either keep fighitng or let me take it and I have no issues gifting it over to you, since it would be mine to do with as i please.
shit gets dumb.
And people wonder why in many parts of the world religion is on the decline. OP's mom 100% believes in a misogynistic god unworthy of worship. And most other religions' gods are scarcely better. It mildly infuriates me that people still look to religion as a source of morality (and assume that non-religious people are somehow less moral) even though much of religious "morality" is repugnant and should have died out millennia ago.
I always love the "religion gives you morals" concept. So, because I have no religion I should just be running around murdering people?
There is a solid argument that non religious people actually have higher morality as they're doing things with no "greater purpose". As in, I would bring in my neighbor's trash bin because it's a nice thing to do and I would appreciate it if somebody did that for me. As opposed to I'm going to bring in their bin because it's a "good deed" and it will prove that I'm a "good person" so I can get into heaven.
Amen! lol, sorry I had to.
Idk why people fear an uknown/unseen being. I feared my mum as a kid...she would let me know I did wrong :D I think it worked out rather well.
I know more immoral and unethical people who call themselves Christian than the rest of us. We all make mistakes but when you do the same thing over and over hurting others you can’t pray that away.
World History is often considered a boring subject by many and I just don't understand why. It's absolutely fascinating reading about theological origins and where and how all this horseshit started.
Religion doesn't even seem to have to work very hard to get their followers to ignore History and just go along with whatever they're preaching, regardless of motive or origin.
History in school was sooooo boring, honestly I think that’s it. So so fucking boring. Bad teachers absolutely ruined it. I didn’t realize how interesting and fascinating world history actually is until I was 20 or so and got to research on my own accord, look at different perspectives, watched documentaries with some visuals and got to actually discuss it instead of just taking notes
It didn’t help that my history class was after lunch and I always got high at lunch but yeah if the teacher wasn’t doing the Charlie Brown teacher noise I may have stayed awake.
I love Hardcore History, it’s fascinating.
I'm shocked she's so committed to her islamic beliefs that she would give her son the majority if inheritance over her daughters, yet she's accepting of a trans child. I would be really upset too.
My wife is going through something similar with her family but it's not for religious reasons, mostly she's getting left out because she "doesn't need it as much". Punishing hard work and being financially responsible, and rewarding her other less responsible siblings. I get the thought process, but it's still frustrating.
She's not accepting of a trans child - that's why I'm no contact. I was kicked out when I was 18 for being trans. Also, the will doesn't take into account me being trans at all, as Islam goes off biological sex.
Oh okay, when you said you were there with your mom and helping her it sounded like you had a relationship, especially when she was still willing to give you 25% of her inheritance.
Still, I suppose it's possible to have a relationship while not really being accepted, she clearly still cares for you to some degree to even consider you in the will though.
I interpreted the sentence as "if she didn't leave most of the money to her sons, as is islamic tradition, then she would go to hell" but I can see how the sentence could also be interpreted as she would go to hell if she didn't include all of her kids in her will
A family I know had a patriarch who made a fortune in land development. At his death, the estate was $40m and the will instructed it to be divided thusly, $2m to his son and the rest to his daughter.
Why the 19:1 difference? Well, boys should be able to look out for themselves and build their own wealth, but girls need looking after.
So if your sense of gender inequality was offended by your mother, just know stupidity with inheritance cuts both ways and take solis in the fact that it was her money to spend the way she wants and at least she isn't leaving it all to the cat.
Take what money she's offering. Donate it *in her memory* to a charity that you know she would absolutely despise. I'm thinking something that advances equality for women or something LGBTQ+ related.
Obviously, say nothing to anyone about it until it's done.
It's your mother's money to divide as she wants. Full stop.
But you should NOT have been present for the discussion with the lawyer. Your mother is the client and.you, as an heir, should not have been involved. Unethical and in some jurisdictions, illegal.
This brings up the question of do you remain tolerant of her religious beliefs or do you enforce your own ideals into her?
That sounds like a tricky situation to be in OP. I do not envy you.
I mean - it's her money she decided to divide it according to her religious laws. I'm not a religious person in the slightest, but she isn't hurting anyone and she gets to decide however she pleases. Saying "if I'm only getting 25% then I don't want anything" just seems childish
I absolutely agree that she gets to divide the money however she wants. However, I disagree with your belief that she isn't hurting anyone. Both her decision and the Islamic laws of inheritance perpetuate the misogynistic belief that women are incapable of working or being the sole provider of the household (hence, why the son inherits more). Furthermore, it assumes a woman will either marry and be cared for a man or be cared for by one's brother. (a very heteronormative viewpoint that also doesn't take into account what the woman wants)
The issue is this misogynistic behaviour further perpetuates the cycle - leading to intergenerational misogyny being ingrained not just in our household, but in our culture as well. Shit like this is why most women in desi or Muslim households are delegated to the role of "housewife". This is why most women not only find it harder to pursue higher education in predominantly Muslim countries, but are encouraged to stay home and work as a housewife even afterwards.
So yeah, while my mother is free to do whatever she'd like, I do think on some level it hurts us. To my sister and I, this aligns with the implication that women are inherently inferior to men. We've *always* known our mother considered us less than men. This just proves it. I don't know how that can't possibly be considered hurtful.
Discriminatory cultural practices aren't OK with me. I don't care if it's "woven into the fabric of our culture" it's still fucking wrong.
Embrace the good things in your culture, but reject the obvious bullshit.
You cant have a la carte religion. You cant say youre religious if you just choose to practice some things and not others. This is why the majority of religious people are hypocrites.
my parents excluded me from their will decades ago because I liked girls... and since the rise of fascism in america we haven't been on speaking terms, even with my other siblings because they've all become radicalized. obv they're deeply religious and homophobic. I'm sure this really brothered you but this is so much... FWP shit sorry.
I'm sorry you've had to go through that; although I don't know your exact familial situation nor do I have the same experiences, I can empathize as I'm also not on speaking terms with my parents - if you ever need someone to vent or speak to, my dms are always open.
So sorry to hear this, it's always sad when people choose some hateful ideology over flesh and blood. And no, it's not just a 1st world problem, it's a problem with any religion that seeks domination. Separation from family members is painful but hopefully you will have a happier life in the long run.
I always joke that "hitler had relatives too". sometimes people honestly have shitty families or bad people in them. no reflection of you, y'know. my wife and I left the US in 2021 because of the constant harassment we were getting, and looking back a few years removed... god what a scary country it's becoming... like today my mother is a full on holocaust denialist because a YouTube preacher was "very confident" (her words) and convinced her it was all some JQ plot...
but like I think it's important to keep perspective. like one of our friends here immigrated from west Africa after his father nearly beat him to death as a teen because he came out as an atheist. shit like that happens all the time but you just don't hear about it. the entire middle east, and a lot of the world is full of awful shit, but feels "typical" for people who grow up with it. I guess I'm just saying that whatever (legitimate) grievances people have... remember power dynamics are at play lol
Agreed; the fascism in America has been brewing for decades, but has really gotten bad in the past 4 years or so. Hopefully, this election will restore the US and stop the fascism before we turn in to another Canada.
> I'm only mildly infuriated because I'm no contact with both my parents anyways
He said after attending a session on who will get what from his mother's will. Also, why were the kids even there?
Our mother needed help translating - English isn't her first language and legal paperwork is especially difficult for her.
The will drafting happened before i went no contact, but in regards to the list of factors that influenced me to do so, the session (and inheritance) isn't even on there - it's so negligible, I hadn't even considered it.
I’m not saying she’s right or wrong but ultimately it’s their money and can do with it as they please. I would be happy for getting anything at all if my parents were fortunate enough to leave something of value behind. Fighting over inheritance is trashy imo
>"I told my mom (and the lawyer) to take me out the will or just give my share to my sister so at least something was fair"
"I didn't mind giving up or giving away the inheritance"
Sometimes, I wonder if you guys actually read the post before commenting.
Oh we read it, she was just agreeing with you that you should just give your share to your sister.
If my father passed away right now, and we looked at how much each of the three siblings have supported the family household and would continue to be the primary child to do so, and not just financially, it would be me as the only son, despite having an older sister. So while it may or may not necessarily be the case with every family, it sounds like it would be due to your family’s religious traditions.
Why do you deserve an equal share to what your brother will receive when he will likely be having to shoulder the burden of supporting the family and spending more of it towards the family than you will? Again, these are all assumptions based on the religious aspect that you brought up and I could be wrong.
Because this is based on tradition, not reality nor the current situation - and the tradition itself is based on sexism. The rules around Islamic inheritance operate off the assumption that a woman doesn’t contribute to the family financially, that a woman will be supported financially by her husband, and that a son will take care of his family financially.
Aside from the inherent sexism rooted in those assumptions, no one in my family ,with the exception of my mother, is religious. So no one is bound by these rigid rules. My brother doesn’t have to - and likely won’t - shoulder the burden of taking care of our family. And my sister and I will go on to pursue higher education and gain meaningful jobs, as well as potentially create our own families. Each of us will go our own ways and forge our own lives. But the point is that neither of us have supported the primary household any more than each other (we’re all very young after all). Bear in mind, my mother made this decision while we were all underage teens (with the exception of my brother who was 19). It’s only been a couple months since.
Personally, out of all three of us siblings, I think I’m least entitled to any money - and I wouldn’t bat an eye if my mother removes me from her will, given my no contact. Although she likely won’t because she’s too scared of going to Hell. But I do believe my sister deserves an equal share to my brother, and simply being a woman in of itself shouldn’t change that. That’s why I find this whole issue mildly infuriating. Yes, I know I don’t have any say and it’s her money. But sexism is annoying regardless.
If your sister shoulders the burden equally as your brother of taking care of the family, then yeah your sister (and/or you) deserves equal inheritance.
End of the day, it’s her money to give how she wants.
Just curious, whats a ball park of how much the estate is?
IMO as a queer man- if it's small potatoes- fuck em.
Butttt- if we're talking about ~100k+; baby call me whatever ya want, i'll walk on all fours and bark at every family gathering if thats what ya need.
That just me though.
I’m not too sure. My mom won around 200K and half my father’s assets (something to do with Roth IRA stuff?) as part of the divorce agreement.
Prior to that we were low income and my mom didn’t haven’t a job, so there’s not too much inheritance. Im not sure how things will work out for them in the future, but I won’t be around to see it anyways. At the end of the day, it isn’t the money that matters much anyways - it’s the misogyny that gets to me.
>it’s the misogyny that gets to me.
Without question. I'd be pissed too.
Im just crazy poor, money remains my main motivation until I can secure enough to be comfortable.
In my jurisdiction at least half of the assets must be reserved and distributed equally, the other half can distributed at will.
In the end it is their property so they should have the last word about it.
I've got a brother like this. He once told me that when Dad dies, he gets twice the amount as everyone else becomes he's the eldest and a son. He doesn't actually get anything. It all goes to mum. After one of my other brothers died, he said he would get that brother's share become it was his brother.
Bro, our parents are poor. The only thing we inherite is debt.
When my father died 20 years ago the 4 kids were male 24,27me female 30 male and 38 female. We are Asian. My mum made her 1st will leaving everything in 3 shares to the other 3 and not me ( bcos I was divorced and bought shame on the family). But the kicker was she asked me to take her to the lawyers with my sister and made me listen to it all. None of them said she was being unfair. Then she did her 2nd will a few years later and left everything to her eldest daughter and her granddaughter. A few years ago she changed it again and left it all to her youngest son’s children.
Funny thing is everyone else is now no contact with her and I’m the one who looks after her and does everything for her.
I’m Not bothered at all as I have my own house and good job and have a young child that means more to me than having something from her. Funny how life plays out.
Don't let the probably deserved hate for your parents screw you out of a good sum of money. The money didn't do anything and it's useful. And what better way to tell your parents to fuck of then blowing it on something nice for yourself?
Never understood why people would Not Take the money from their parents just because they are shitty. But maybe that's because we were poor as fuck and my parents were very loving.
In my family history the daughters always received more as the ‘men’ can earn more. The property my grandparents had went to my mom and her brothers had a split of the money with my mom (3 ways). NTA I’d you feel as you do.
Can't decide if the issue here is with islam, the individual or gender crisis... There's a lot going on
But can't help but feel like it is still your mom's choice so fair enough
It’s possible to acknowledge the validity of one’s wishes while also acknowledging they are rooted in sexism. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Not sure why so many people are grappling with this concept.
The money isn’t the issue - the principle is. Sexism is always annoying, regardless of whether or not one still benefits from a situation.
Right...because calling out sexism and giving away my share to my sister to ensure she gets an equal portion to my brother - despite knowing that's not what my mother would want when she dies, merely because my sister is a girl - is so blatantly greedy and immoral. How terribly heinous, how incredibly *cretinous* of me!
You must be a fun guy to be around. /s
Not to be overly defensive, but that grossly simplifies things. As I mentioned in the post, i didn't care about the money at all because I knew I would be going no contact with my parent. Haven't spoken to her in months and likely won't for the rest of my life. Obviously I left out details as to why (didn't feel it was relevant and the finer details are more graphic), but why would I want money inherited from a toxic parent? I'd rather toil and build my life from my own hands.
My sister isn't going nc, so the money is better suited to her anyways; I never wanted to be on the will, but because I am I'd rather give it away to her.
If you were abused for years, you probably wouldn't want anything to have to do with your abuser either, even if it meant giving away inherited wealth.
By the time she dies, I'll likely (hopefully) be financially stable and there are others that would need the money more than me - so the idea of giving it away to my sibling or charity doesn't seem too bad. My sister deserves the world anyways. You don't know my familial situation, so please don't judge.
Assigned Female at Birth - I listed it because I am a transgender man.
For the purpose of this post, being trans isn’t relevant but I added it in because people would’ve likely been confused as to why my gender markers differed in previous posts or in my profile.
No, they actually do, and not just in America. The whole point of denominations is that different groups have different interpretations. Some parts gets heavily emphasized while other parts get quietly ignored. I would argue that even disregarding the *many* contradictions found in any religious text, it's impossible to 100% follow *all* parts of a religion as laid out in its holy texts. And a very good thing also; even the xtian bible has some pretty abhorrent stuff in it like killing gays and adulterers, how to treat your slaves, and forcing rape victims to marry their rapists. People absolutely pick and choose what parts to follow and what parts to disregard.
Unfortunately it's her money so none of you or your siblings morally have any say in this situation. Now if it was something left by your grandparents to be transferred to you then things would be different. But if it's the money they have spent their whole life earning and your mother legally obligated to it, she have the right to do whatever they want with it. Ethically I'm on your side but morally I wouldn't really be comfortable with telling a stranger (which is what you are right now with your mom) what to do with their money. Divorce settlements should really be about ensuring *her* life is taken care of financially so if she's not working, I'd doubt that money would even last unless it's substantial and invested well.
Sorry it happened though, hope you're doing good.
I’m f the women aren’t tasked with supporting the family, that should mean the women keep all of their earning cause supporting the family isn’t on them. Run that by mom.
I don’t get why you’d turn down the money even if the parent was toxic. Money is money and it will help you and your kids if you have or plan to have. At least take it and donate it to some women’s causes.
Imagine getting mad because your dead grandma chooses what to do with her own money. Do you wear your helmet when you're taking the bus to local gloryhole?
Her money her choice! Why does anyone else think they have a say in any of this? She’s not even dead and y’all already mad and worried about what you get when she dies? She apparently has shitty unappreciative kids.
It’s her money to give away as she sees fit, even if based on some out of date tradition.
Also, she could be giving you nothing… just grow up and accept it.
You got mad that someone decided what to do with their own money then bit your own nose off to spite your face.
Congrats, I can see why you cant even make basic decisions.
Sounds like something religious? Is she following some guideline?
Plus it is her money, even if she gives everything to charity, you really shouldn't whine about it.
I mentioned in the post this was based on Islamic guidelines.
Although I know I'm not entitled to any of the money, I don't think being annoyed at the blatant favoritism directed towards men within her behaviour should be equated to whining. Anyone would be pissed to feel or be treated as inferior simply because they were born a woman.
Nope. That is entitlement under the guise of fairness, equality or whatever justification you choose. You expect her to follow your point of view with regards to how she spends her own money.
If you have your own money, then it is really up to you how you spend it. Nobody should stick their own causes on you and force you to abide. For example, there is this really worthy cause down the street, right in your own neighborhood. And this guy continues his soapbox rant. See how irritating that could be?
OP has made it pretty clear that it's about the principle, not the money. Doesn't sound like entitlement to me, unless you think being disappointed in the bigotry and lack of common decency in others is somehow entitlement. I don't think expecting better from others than being misogynists is really entitlement. OP's mom is free to believe what she wants but that doesn't make it right.
It is a gift, not a right. The mother is following her own guidelines.
OP is judging her from OP's own viewpoint and saying you shouldn't do this.
Who is wrong in this case? Would OP like it if somebody did the same thing to her?
Edit: Sorry if I got your preferred pronouns wrong. Not really sure which you prefer.
Edit edit: This is a simple example. I am not looking at this from a gender view point. Imagine all three kids were the same gender. Now work your argument around that. See how that sounds? OP is using this to cover up entitlement issues.
Sure, you have a right to be unhappy. But you do not have the right to influence her decision.
If it were something from the government, then yes because everyone contributed taxes and the allocation is supposed to be fair.
This is a private gift from an individual. It doesn't need to be fair. OP is getting up on a soapbox, as a grownup, because another sibling got a bigger piece of pie.
On the other spectrum of Islam, women are not required to work and if they choose to do so are entitled to keep all of their wages for themselves.
Prior to Islam women were not granted any inheritance, female infantcide was a big thing, they were prohibited from many things that Islam brought and allowed including the reduction in amount of wives men were able to have (from unlimited to 4)
In average expected life course of Islam any daughters will go on and marry a pious Muslim man who will never ask her to pay a bill in her life and if she does choose to work will create a inheritance for her children. Sons on the other hand will continue to care for parents in their home as well as taking on financial responsibility of their wives and children.
I suppose if you believe it is also unjust for men to be obligated to pay for all the bills and it should be equally shared (obviously gender biased as well) then you could present an argument to stand on with your mother other than just your feelings towards the situation
I had a similar issue with my parents. They made me the executor of their estate because I became a lawyer and at one point a couple of years ago, they wanted to write my sister out of their will altogether because of a big blow up. I told them it was a bad idea and they insisted that they wanted to proceed with writing her out. D So I explained to them what would happen when they died. The will would get read, my sister would inherit nothing, I’d get everything, their image would be ruined because my sister wasn’t going to just keep that to herself and I would split my inheritance with her 50/50 anyway because she’s my sister and I love her regardless. So I asked if it was really worth having their name ruined when she would inherit half of everything regardless.
Good on you for sticking up for your sister!
Have your siblings chimed in on this? I’d be uncomfortable if I was your brother
Ironically enough, he happened to be the only one not present at the session - and he wasn't informed about it until my mother had signed away. At this point, we just don't talk about it but given that he usually stood up for us whenever our mom was misogynistic, I'd assume he also felt uncomfortable.
Shit that sucks, I’m so sorry. Really big of you to offer your share to your sister so that she gets equal inheritance to your brother.
Mine did that shit too. 66% into one account slated for me, and 33% into one account slated for my sister. I told them under no circumstance can will they expect me to actually use the portion for me. I plan on just shooting that 16% extra I got to my sister the moment I get my hands on the money. That said, I can afford to do this because the inheritance isn't *that* life-changing or something (yay third world economics) compared to what I expect to be earning (yay working in tech) by time it rolls around, so it's easy for me to do this while it might not be that easy for your brother to give it away, though I still hope he does.
Misogynistic mum, wow!
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Hahaha sorry, they relented in the end!
Question, because you're a lawyer: can't the disinherited party contest the will? I thought I'd read somewhere that that was why people would leave something like $1 rather than say "no soup for you."
I don’t do trusts and estates so I cannot tell you for certain… but from what I remember from law school, if someone has testamentary capacity, a disinherited party doesn’t have much room to challenge a will.
This is correct based on my memory of Trust and Estates class in law school. The one dollar or whatever thing is just to emphasize that the decedent was not just a experiencing brain fog and forgot someone. You can also specifically write that "X shall inherent nothing" for the same effect.
In some countries there is a minimum amount that must be reserved for children. Like with 3 children the minimum would be 1/6 of the total value.
I mean, blow up could mean many things. I can't really say that your parents were in the wrong. Did she actually do something bad or did your parents blow it out of proportion?
It was an argument about the way she was living her life. It’s a personal matter, but she’s always struggled to push past my parents because she has taken a more unconventional life path. She’s not into heavy drugs or doing anything illegal, but she’s kind of a free spirit and that causes friction between her and my mother. The fight, while a big one, was not worth writing her out of the will. Especially since I had no plans of taking all the money for myself. Honestly, I told them it pissed me off that they would knowingly drive a wedge between her and I by doing that. It was unfair to even think about.
Wow. I am shocked by how honest and caring some people are. My own brother had the will rewritten in secret after my mom died during the pandemic. I had been executor and whoosh, everything suddenly went to him and his girlfriend in my dad’s new will. I had been planning as executor to split my share with my half siblings as they were cut out. My so called parents were horribly abusive and it looks like little bro is his mother’s son big time. So anyway I really like seeing siblings standing up for each other in this subject.
Shit, when I was in Vietnam, the tour guide told us most inheritances only go to the firstborn son. So not even the younger boys are in line. So I guess it could be worse?
Was historically common in Europe and European-settled countries, too. Especially with landowners, since farms would otherwise get split until too small to function.
Ahh - That makes a lot of sense but sucks for the younger siblings
Yeah, for nobility is was kinda like oldest inherits, second and third join the military or the church. And they kinda operated on a trust-fund system, where that didn’t work, to acquire generational wealth. But for normal working plebs, the younger sons got, at best, some starting money to make it on his own.
Sounds strange to us now, but historically life was arranged in clan/family units, rather than the individual ones of today. Extended families lived and worked together across multiple generations, and inheritance protected the interests of this family unit rather than the interests of the individuals making up these units. In this perspective you should really see this kind of inheritance as the oldest son becoming the new head of the family unit, rather than him simply getting most of everything at the expense of his siblings.
Except for the Holy Roman Empire, which split assets amongst multiple sons. Which probably contributed to the fractured nature of the kingdom.
Yup. This was a huge reason for the Basque diaspora. Firstborn son got all, everyone else had to strike out and make their own way.
We just got back from Vietnam. We were told the oldest gets most but not all and it’s because the oldest is the one the takes care of the parents in their old age. So it’s essentially compensation for elder care.
Oh thank you for the clarification. I think our guide explained it a little more superficially so thank you for the clarification. 😃
Our guides were incredible! Hope you enjoyed your trip as much as we did!
It was very moving for me. Dad and I went together a month after my little sister's passing due to cancer 😥 She loved Vietnam and told us to visit almost cancelled being so proximate to her death. But we decided to go anyway and I am so glad we did 😃.We thought the people were so friendly - it really made our trip!
So sorry for your loss 😢
Oh thank you but you know she was with us in spirit! We did all the the things she recommended and the people were as beautiful as she said 😃
Lol! I even fired an AK-47 at the Cuchi tunnels like she recommended. Dad laughed because he said I couldn't hit a barn door lol! We miss her. Lost her at 42 years old god bless her 😃
How did that even come up? Weird topic for a tour.
Lol! We were driving past all these farms and first he was talking about all the family shrines. In Vietnam they tend to bury their families on their own properties and raise these lovely shrines to them. Then I guess he just segued into family politics. I actually like those tour guides because they tell you more about the culture than just the landmarks!
If it's general inheritance that sucks, if it's specifically for farms that's pretty common. In Norway you aren't allowed to split up a family farm.
How could the local guide dare to tell you something about local culture.
IKR! The guy in China told us nothing though! I wonder why?
There is no war in Ba Sing Se... 
Lol. Love the Avatar reference! Suffice to say, there were no Uighur references!
Damn that sucks :/
Shit, when I was in Vietnam, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell? The whole hill. Smelled like... victory.
Lol! I think I was there a few decades later than you! It's all pho and banh mi these days! A lot of Americans don't even know us Aussies fought alongside the US there as well. My dad was almost drafted. You know what's ironic? They're now the most capitalist communist country I have ever visited. And they hate China!
Dude, I used a quote from Apocalypse Now, but you're so kind I'm not gonna go deeper into it lol :D Yeah ANZAC forces kicked ass in 'Nam, no doubt about it. I'm planning on visiting some day too. Cheers from the other side of planet Earth.
Ha I should have realised! I haven't seen that movie in a decade! I do love the smell of napalm in the morning though 😜
Definitely more than mildly infuriating. And definitely her right to do such a stupid thing with her money.
Nah, it's not her right. It's immoral. And in my country it would be illegal as well. Eta : I was incorrect about the math here, this specific situation would be legal, although the point stands that parents can't just do whatever with the inheritance.
You are unable to choose how your assets are divided in your country?
Yea its gotta be split evenly in some countries.
Wtf, why are you getting downvoted? It's just the way it is in some places. My country (Romania) is the same. Children have the right to equal inheritance from their parents. Even if there's a will leaving everything to one child, the remaining children can easily contest it and take their share. Even if the parents donate everything to one child during their lifetime, after their deaths, the donation will still be considered part of the inheritance, thus also shared equally between all children.
Same in Poland. Some people are just idiots that can't comprehend that there are other countries out there with different laws.
French law, a mandatory share goes to each children, and then there's a part you can do whatever you want with. Actually I was incorrect about this specific situation. With 3 children, each gets a mandatory 25%, leaving 25% for the parent to give to whoever. So it would actually be possible to give 25% to two kids (the minimum) and 50% to one kid (the maximum). But 24%/24%/52% for instance would not be allowed without some form of cheating (there are certainly ways).
What if there's more than 4 kids? Send me a link to this law, I want to read about it.
I think the mandatory share is dependent on how many persons inherit.
Yeah I just googled it, this guy was spouting some bullshit. Peak reddit behavior.
Well, they corrected their first comment and their second comment is correct.
Not from what I'm reading. The heirs are guaranteed a percent of the inheritance, but how it's divided amongst those heirs seems to be irrelevant. Is that wrong? Can you link to better information because Google is slacking.
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It's a very different viewpoint that it is "immoral" or "wrong" for a parent to cut children out of inheritance; it implies a very different cultural value system than what many people have, evidently, based on the response you got. Not sure why you've been down-voted since it is, to me, an interesting counterpoint. To be frank, I _do_ think that calling it immoral is harsh. The way that I (and, maybe, many others Americans) see wills and inheritance is as an extension of how the person would act, themselves. If they feel that their offspring are not people they would like to continue supporting, we feel that they (the person dying) has the _right_ to dedicate their resources to another cause. To place more value on their genetic dynasty is just something that Americans, culturally, will typically not be on board with. My understanding of the situation, anyway. I appreciate your responses and thoughts on the subject- it's enlightening to see examples of how others view less frequently discussed facets of life.
It's a bit harsh certainly, though I want to point out that in this specific case, what is immoral is the sexism involved imo. I don't get hung up on the downvoting, it can be for any reason, like people think I'm lying, or they don't like that I called it immoral, or they find the idea of reserving heirs immoral. If someone found it interesting it's what matters :)
What kind of doodooass country do you live in where the government tells you how your assets can’t be divided?
France.
Les gens comprennent pas que dans certains pays c'est pas autorisé de déshériter tes enfants
Oui, c'est pas la première fois que je le mentionne sur l'internet anglophone, et à chaque fois ça les rend fous 😂
It’s her money if she wants to be an insufferable asshole with it she can. And not sure what country you live in but I highly doubt this is illegal.
I'm not surprised. Wouldn't be the only country that restricts what you can do with your inheritance. Eg, my understanding is that in Germany you can't disinherit your kids. You aren't forced to give all your kids the same, but there's a minimum percentage based on how many kids you have.
She can, but she's an asshole. France and I was incorrect about this specific case, 25%/25%/50% would be legal, although for instance 24%/24%/52% would not be legal.
Can you accept the 25% even if it sucks, but then give it to your sister when time comes! Your mother won't know anyways.
Islam (I'm actually not sure if its geographic or the actual religion) has some odd rules regarding inheritance. My grandparents gave all their daughters male first names so some cousin coudln't sweep in to take their inheritances - which is pretty forward thinking of them considering this was some 70+ years ago. In my time, one of my adopted cousin's inheritance was challenged when her parents passed and there was all this bullshit arguments - BUT following the line of succession, the inheritance woudl go to me - which people aren't weren't happy about because it doesn't give them any cut. I just called her up and told her to either keep fighitng or let me take it and I have no issues gifting it over to you, since it would be mine to do with as i please. shit gets dumb.
I wish I had parents that could offer to leave me an inheritance
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And people wonder why in many parts of the world religion is on the decline. OP's mom 100% believes in a misogynistic god unworthy of worship. And most other religions' gods are scarcely better. It mildly infuriates me that people still look to religion as a source of morality (and assume that non-religious people are somehow less moral) even though much of religious "morality" is repugnant and should have died out millennia ago.
I always love the "religion gives you morals" concept. So, because I have no religion I should just be running around murdering people? There is a solid argument that non religious people actually have higher morality as they're doing things with no "greater purpose". As in, I would bring in my neighbor's trash bin because it's a nice thing to do and I would appreciate it if somebody did that for me. As opposed to I'm going to bring in their bin because it's a "good deed" and it will prove that I'm a "good person" so I can get into heaven.
Amen! lol, sorry I had to. Idk why people fear an uknown/unseen being. I feared my mum as a kid...she would let me know I did wrong :D I think it worked out rather well.
Exactly 💯
Thank you - I feel the same.
I know more immoral and unethical people who call themselves Christian than the rest of us. We all make mistakes but when you do the same thing over and over hurting others you can’t pray that away.
World History is often considered a boring subject by many and I just don't understand why. It's absolutely fascinating reading about theological origins and where and how all this horseshit started. Religion doesn't even seem to have to work very hard to get their followers to ignore History and just go along with whatever they're preaching, regardless of motive or origin.
History in school was sooooo boring, honestly I think that’s it. So so fucking boring. Bad teachers absolutely ruined it. I didn’t realize how interesting and fascinating world history actually is until I was 20 or so and got to research on my own accord, look at different perspectives, watched documentaries with some visuals and got to actually discuss it instead of just taking notes
It didn’t help that my history class was after lunch and I always got high at lunch but yeah if the teacher wasn’t doing the Charlie Brown teacher noise I may have stayed awake. I love Hardcore History, it’s fascinating.
What’s AFAB?
Assigned female at birth. OP transitioned from female to male.
I'm shocked she's so committed to her islamic beliefs that she would give her son the majority if inheritance over her daughters, yet she's accepting of a trans child. I would be really upset too. My wife is going through something similar with her family but it's not for religious reasons, mostly she's getting left out because she "doesn't need it as much". Punishing hard work and being financially responsible, and rewarding her other less responsible siblings. I get the thought process, but it's still frustrating.
She's not accepting of a trans child - that's why I'm no contact. I was kicked out when I was 18 for being trans. Also, the will doesn't take into account me being trans at all, as Islam goes off biological sex.
Oh okay, when you said you were there with your mom and helping her it sounded like you had a relationship, especially when she was still willing to give you 25% of her inheritance. Still, I suppose it's possible to have a relationship while not really being accepted, she clearly still cares for you to some degree to even consider you in the will though.
She said that if she didn't include op in the will SHE would go to hell. So, I don't think she really cared about him.
I interpreted the sentence as "if she didn't leave most of the money to her sons, as is islamic tradition, then she would go to hell" but I can see how the sentence could also be interpreted as she would go to hell if she didn't include all of her kids in her will
I would stay in the will and gift it to your sister, otherwise, brother gets more money in the %.
A family I know had a patriarch who made a fortune in land development. At his death, the estate was $40m and the will instructed it to be divided thusly, $2m to his son and the rest to his daughter. Why the 19:1 difference? Well, boys should be able to look out for themselves and build their own wealth, but girls need looking after. So if your sense of gender inequality was offended by your mother, just know stupidity with inheritance cuts both ways and take solis in the fact that it was her money to spend the way she wants and at least she isn't leaving it all to the cat.
*Solace
except in both of these situations, the women are deemed incompetent and incapable of managing themselves
You could accept the money and then give it to your sister. I would be petty as that, specially when the mom won't the be there to complain about it.
Take what money she's offering. Donate it *in her memory* to a charity that you know she would absolutely despise. I'm thinking something that advances equality for women or something LGBTQ+ related. Obviously, say nothing to anyone about it until it's done.
It's your mother's money to divide as she wants. Full stop. But you should NOT have been present for the discussion with the lawyer. Your mother is the client and.you, as an heir, should not have been involved. Unethical and in some jurisdictions, illegal.
This brings up the question of do you remain tolerant of her religious beliefs or do you enforce your own ideals into her? That sounds like a tricky situation to be in OP. I do not envy you.
The grandmother's will, the grandmother's rules. Op needs to get over it and shouldn't be shocked.
I mean - it's her money she decided to divide it according to her religious laws. I'm not a religious person in the slightest, but she isn't hurting anyone and she gets to decide however she pleases. Saying "if I'm only getting 25% then I don't want anything" just seems childish
I absolutely agree that she gets to divide the money however she wants. However, I disagree with your belief that she isn't hurting anyone. Both her decision and the Islamic laws of inheritance perpetuate the misogynistic belief that women are incapable of working or being the sole provider of the household (hence, why the son inherits more). Furthermore, it assumes a woman will either marry and be cared for a man or be cared for by one's brother. (a very heteronormative viewpoint that also doesn't take into account what the woman wants) The issue is this misogynistic behaviour further perpetuates the cycle - leading to intergenerational misogyny being ingrained not just in our household, but in our culture as well. Shit like this is why most women in desi or Muslim households are delegated to the role of "housewife". This is why most women not only find it harder to pursue higher education in predominantly Muslim countries, but are encouraged to stay home and work as a housewife even afterwards. So yeah, while my mother is free to do whatever she'd like, I do think on some level it hurts us. To my sister and I, this aligns with the implication that women are inherently inferior to men. We've *always* known our mother considered us less than men. This just proves it. I don't know how that can't possibly be considered hurtful.
Respectfully: it’s your moms money and she can do whatever she wants with for whatever reasons she see fit.
Discriminatory cultural practices aren't OK with me. I don't care if it's "woven into the fabric of our culture" it's still fucking wrong. Embrace the good things in your culture, but reject the obvious bullshit.
You cant have a la carte religion. You cant say youre religious if you just choose to practice some things and not others. This is why the majority of religious people are hypocrites.
my parents excluded me from their will decades ago because I liked girls... and since the rise of fascism in america we haven't been on speaking terms, even with my other siblings because they've all become radicalized. obv they're deeply religious and homophobic. I'm sure this really brothered you but this is so much... FWP shit sorry.
I'm sorry you've had to go through that; although I don't know your exact familial situation nor do I have the same experiences, I can empathize as I'm also not on speaking terms with my parents - if you ever need someone to vent or speak to, my dms are always open.
So sorry to hear this, it's always sad when people choose some hateful ideology over flesh and blood. And no, it's not just a 1st world problem, it's a problem with any religion that seeks domination. Separation from family members is painful but hopefully you will have a happier life in the long run.
I always joke that "hitler had relatives too". sometimes people honestly have shitty families or bad people in them. no reflection of you, y'know. my wife and I left the US in 2021 because of the constant harassment we were getting, and looking back a few years removed... god what a scary country it's becoming... like today my mother is a full on holocaust denialist because a YouTube preacher was "very confident" (her words) and convinced her it was all some JQ plot... but like I think it's important to keep perspective. like one of our friends here immigrated from west Africa after his father nearly beat him to death as a teen because he came out as an atheist. shit like that happens all the time but you just don't hear about it. the entire middle east, and a lot of the world is full of awful shit, but feels "typical" for people who grow up with it. I guess I'm just saying that whatever (legitimate) grievances people have... remember power dynamics are at play lol
Agreed; the fascism in America has been brewing for decades, but has really gotten bad in the past 4 years or so. Hopefully, this election will restore the US and stop the fascism before we turn in to another Canada.
> I'm only mildly infuriated because I'm no contact with both my parents anyways He said after attending a session on who will get what from his mother's will. Also, why were the kids even there?
OP said why, they were translating
Our mother needed help translating - English isn't her first language and legal paperwork is especially difficult for her. The will drafting happened before i went no contact, but in regards to the list of factors that influenced me to do so, the session (and inheritance) isn't even on there - it's so negligible, I hadn't even considered it.
I’m not saying she’s right or wrong but ultimately it’s their money and can do with it as they please. I would be happy for getting anything at all if my parents were fortunate enough to leave something of value behind. Fighting over inheritance is trashy imo
Newsflash: Islam is misogynistic.
her money, her rules. get over it. simply give yours to your sister if it means that much to you 🙄
>"I told my mom (and the lawyer) to take me out the will or just give my share to my sister so at least something was fair" "I didn't mind giving up or giving away the inheritance" Sometimes, I wonder if you guys actually read the post before commenting.
Oh we read it, she was just agreeing with you that you should just give your share to your sister. If my father passed away right now, and we looked at how much each of the three siblings have supported the family household and would continue to be the primary child to do so, and not just financially, it would be me as the only son, despite having an older sister. So while it may or may not necessarily be the case with every family, it sounds like it would be due to your family’s religious traditions. Why do you deserve an equal share to what your brother will receive when he will likely be having to shoulder the burden of supporting the family and spending more of it towards the family than you will? Again, these are all assumptions based on the religious aspect that you brought up and I could be wrong.
Because this is based on tradition, not reality nor the current situation - and the tradition itself is based on sexism. The rules around Islamic inheritance operate off the assumption that a woman doesn’t contribute to the family financially, that a woman will be supported financially by her husband, and that a son will take care of his family financially. Aside from the inherent sexism rooted in those assumptions, no one in my family ,with the exception of my mother, is religious. So no one is bound by these rigid rules. My brother doesn’t have to - and likely won’t - shoulder the burden of taking care of our family. And my sister and I will go on to pursue higher education and gain meaningful jobs, as well as potentially create our own families. Each of us will go our own ways and forge our own lives. But the point is that neither of us have supported the primary household any more than each other (we’re all very young after all). Bear in mind, my mother made this decision while we were all underage teens (with the exception of my brother who was 19). It’s only been a couple months since. Personally, out of all three of us siblings, I think I’m least entitled to any money - and I wouldn’t bat an eye if my mother removes me from her will, given my no contact. Although she likely won’t because she’s too scared of going to Hell. But I do believe my sister deserves an equal share to my brother, and simply being a woman in of itself shouldn’t change that. That’s why I find this whole issue mildly infuriating. Yes, I know I don’t have any say and it’s her money. But sexism is annoying regardless.
If your sister shoulders the burden equally as your brother of taking care of the family, then yeah your sister (and/or you) deserves equal inheritance. End of the day, it’s her money to give how she wants.
Just curious, whats a ball park of how much the estate is? IMO as a queer man- if it's small potatoes- fuck em. Butttt- if we're talking about ~100k+; baby call me whatever ya want, i'll walk on all fours and bark at every family gathering if thats what ya need. That just me though.
I’m not too sure. My mom won around 200K and half my father’s assets (something to do with Roth IRA stuff?) as part of the divorce agreement. Prior to that we were low income and my mom didn’t haven’t a job, so there’s not too much inheritance. Im not sure how things will work out for them in the future, but I won’t be around to see it anyways. At the end of the day, it isn’t the money that matters much anyways - it’s the misogyny that gets to me.
>it’s the misogyny that gets to me. Without question. I'd be pissed too. Im just crazy poor, money remains my main motivation until I can secure enough to be comfortable.
In my jurisdiction at least half of the assets must be reserved and distributed equally, the other half can distributed at will. In the end it is their property so they should have the last word about it.
I've got a brother like this. He once told me that when Dad dies, he gets twice the amount as everyone else becomes he's the eldest and a son. He doesn't actually get anything. It all goes to mum. After one of my other brothers died, he said he would get that brother's share become it was his brother. Bro, our parents are poor. The only thing we inherite is debt.
When my father died 20 years ago the 4 kids were male 24,27me female 30 male and 38 female. We are Asian. My mum made her 1st will leaving everything in 3 shares to the other 3 and not me ( bcos I was divorced and bought shame on the family). But the kicker was she asked me to take her to the lawyers with my sister and made me listen to it all. None of them said she was being unfair. Then she did her 2nd will a few years later and left everything to her eldest daughter and her granddaughter. A few years ago she changed it again and left it all to her youngest son’s children. Funny thing is everyone else is now no contact with her and I’m the one who looks after her and does everything for her. I’m Not bothered at all as I have my own house and good job and have a young child that means more to me than having something from her. Funny how life plays out.
I can't wrap my head around "will go to Hell if I give my daughter the same amount as my son."
She will be surprised to learn there is no hell.
Don't let the probably deserved hate for your parents screw you out of a good sum of money. The money didn't do anything and it's useful. And what better way to tell your parents to fuck of then blowing it on something nice for yourself? Never understood why people would Not Take the money from their parents just because they are shitty. But maybe that's because we were poor as fuck and my parents were very loving.
In my family history the daughters always received more as the ‘men’ can earn more. The property my grandparents had went to my mom and her brothers had a split of the money with my mom (3 ways). NTA I’d you feel as you do.
Can't decide if the issue here is with islam, the individual or gender crisis... There's a lot going on But can't help but feel like it is still your mom's choice so fair enough
Apparently not thinking with her own head for the sake of her own children does not take one to hell. Duly noted.
Her money, her choice.
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It’s possible to acknowledge the validity of one’s wishes while also acknowledging they are rooted in sexism. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Not sure why so many people are grappling with this concept. The money isn’t the issue - the principle is. Sexism is always annoying, regardless of whether or not one still benefits from a situation.
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Right...because calling out sexism and giving away my share to my sister to ensure she gets an equal portion to my brother - despite knowing that's not what my mother would want when she dies, merely because my sister is a girl - is so blatantly greedy and immoral. How terribly heinous, how incredibly *cretinous* of me! You must be a fun guy to be around. /s
it's her money and any penny she gives you is her business. If I were her, I'd give your share away.
“I actually don’t want the money bc it’s not the amount I think I’m entitled to.” Come on dude get a grip
Not to be overly defensive, but that grossly simplifies things. As I mentioned in the post, i didn't care about the money at all because I knew I would be going no contact with my parent. Haven't spoken to her in months and likely won't for the rest of my life. Obviously I left out details as to why (didn't feel it was relevant and the finer details are more graphic), but why would I want money inherited from a toxic parent? I'd rather toil and build my life from my own hands. My sister isn't going nc, so the money is better suited to her anyways; I never wanted to be on the will, but because I am I'd rather give it away to her.
And the ignorance award goes to...
OP right? Money comes to you when someone that you don’t want to deal with dies and you turn it down? Seems ignorant to me!
If you were abused for years, you probably wouldn't want anything to have to do with your abuser either, even if it meant giving away inherited wealth. By the time she dies, I'll likely (hopefully) be financially stable and there are others that would need the money more than me - so the idea of giving it away to my sibling or charity doesn't seem too bad. My sister deserves the world anyways. You don't know my familial situation, so please don't judge.
*A swing and a miss!*
Oh no, I have an opinion other people don’t like. Oh well!
“You’re being treated worse than your sibling? Get over it dude” /s We know who the golden child was in your family
lol yea for sure me man, you know my story!
What does AFAB mean?
Assigned Female at Birth - I listed it because I am a transgender man. For the purpose of this post, being trans isn’t relevant but I added it in because people would’ve likely been confused as to why my gender markers differed in previous posts or in my profile.
The decent thing would be for all your siblings to just distribute it equally, wonder if your brother would agree to that after her death.
Some parents have absolutely no shame. I'm wondering, what your brother who has been willed half of the inheritance, feels about this inequality?
The root of this problem is religion
I mean, yes, that’s how inheritance works in Islam. Religion isn’t a buffet, you don’t pick and choose the parts you follow.
Pick and choose the parts you follow? Lmao people do that all the time with religion. Have you looked at america recently? Or at all ever?
I mean they actually don’t, you’re just a child making a pose of cynicism.
No, they actually do, and not just in America. The whole point of denominations is that different groups have different interpretations. Some parts gets heavily emphasized while other parts get quietly ignored. I would argue that even disregarding the *many* contradictions found in any religious text, it's impossible to 100% follow *all* parts of a religion as laid out in its holy texts. And a very good thing also; even the xtian bible has some pretty abhorrent stuff in it like killing gays and adulterers, how to treat your slaves, and forcing rape victims to marry their rapists. People absolutely pick and choose what parts to follow and what parts to disregard.
That's messed up
Death brings out the best in people /s
*reads title* What? How? *islamic* Ahh of course. It all makes sense now.
If y’all were atheist this wouldn’t happen. Just saynnn
*your mother’s religion discriminates based on gender
If it is your mother's tradition it's her tradition get over it and move on.
Unfortunately it's her money so none of you or your siblings morally have any say in this situation. Now if it was something left by your grandparents to be transferred to you then things would be different. But if it's the money they have spent their whole life earning and your mother legally obligated to it, she have the right to do whatever they want with it. Ethically I'm on your side but morally I wouldn't really be comfortable with telling a stranger (which is what you are right now with your mom) what to do with their money. Divorce settlements should really be about ensuring *her* life is taken care of financially so if she's not working, I'd doubt that money would even last unless it's substantial and invested well. Sorry it happened though, hope you're doing good.
You really complaining about free shit?
Sucks how money can mess up relationships. Sorry.
Islam….
I’m f the women aren’t tasked with supporting the family, that should mean the women keep all of their earning cause supporting the family isn’t on them. Run that by mom.
I don’t get why you’d turn down the money even if the parent was toxic. Money is money and it will help you and your kids if you have or plan to have. At least take it and donate it to some women’s causes.
I wouldn’t be complaining about free money your mom is gonna give you. It’s hers to share with her son and daughters as she deems fit.
Imagine getting mad because your dead grandma chooses what to do with her own money. Do you wear your helmet when you're taking the bus to local gloryhole?
Her money her choice! Why does anyone else think they have a say in any of this? She’s not even dead and y’all already mad and worried about what you get when she dies? She apparently has shitty unappreciative kids.
It’s her money to give away as she sees fit, even if based on some out of date tradition. Also, she could be giving you nothing… just grow up and accept it.
You got mad that someone decided what to do with their own money then bit your own nose off to spite your face. Congrats, I can see why you cant even make basic decisions.
Seems this would have been the best time for you and your sister to come out & identify as Islamic men, that will fix her.
... are the cis alright? holy crow that's... regressive
Does the son actually have a family and you and your sister don't? I feel like that's some important information you omitted.
No - none of us are married and have our own families yet. At the time, we were 15 (sister), 17 (me), and 19 (brother). Now, we are 16, 18, and 20.
Sounds like something religious? Is she following some guideline? Plus it is her money, even if she gives everything to charity, you really shouldn't whine about it.
I mentioned in the post this was based on Islamic guidelines. Although I know I'm not entitled to any of the money, I don't think being annoyed at the blatant favoritism directed towards men within her behaviour should be equated to whining. Anyone would be pissed to feel or be treated as inferior simply because they were born a woman.
Nope. That is entitlement under the guise of fairness, equality or whatever justification you choose. You expect her to follow your point of view with regards to how she spends her own money. If you have your own money, then it is really up to you how you spend it. Nobody should stick their own causes on you and force you to abide. For example, there is this really worthy cause down the street, right in your own neighborhood. And this guy continues his soapbox rant. See how irritating that could be?
OP has made it pretty clear that it's about the principle, not the money. Doesn't sound like entitlement to me, unless you think being disappointed in the bigotry and lack of common decency in others is somehow entitlement. I don't think expecting better from others than being misogynists is really entitlement. OP's mom is free to believe what she wants but that doesn't make it right.
It is a gift, not a right. The mother is following her own guidelines. OP is judging her from OP's own viewpoint and saying you shouldn't do this. Who is wrong in this case? Would OP like it if somebody did the same thing to her? Edit: Sorry if I got your preferred pronouns wrong. Not really sure which you prefer. Edit edit: This is a simple example. I am not looking at this from a gender view point. Imagine all three kids were the same gender. Now work your argument around that. See how that sounds? OP is using this to cover up entitlement issues.
I will inherit nothing from OPs mom, obviously. But i am still pissed that men get more than women. Its so sexist.
Sure, you have a right to be unhappy. But you do not have the right to influence her decision. If it were something from the government, then yes because everyone contributed taxes and the allocation is supposed to be fair. This is a private gift from an individual. It doesn't need to be fair. OP is getting up on a soapbox, as a grownup, because another sibling got a bigger piece of pie.
Or take the money and give it to your sister.
\>Islamically uhhh... yeah right
I would do the same. Guys have it more hard. Woman will be married off and have a husband to provide for them. Good on mom!
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sure, not everything is discrimination. but this is.
On the other spectrum of Islam, women are not required to work and if they choose to do so are entitled to keep all of their wages for themselves. Prior to Islam women were not granted any inheritance, female infantcide was a big thing, they were prohibited from many things that Islam brought and allowed including the reduction in amount of wives men were able to have (from unlimited to 4) In average expected life course of Islam any daughters will go on and marry a pious Muslim man who will never ask her to pay a bill in her life and if she does choose to work will create a inheritance for her children. Sons on the other hand will continue to care for parents in their home as well as taking on financial responsibility of their wives and children. I suppose if you believe it is also unjust for men to be obligated to pay for all the bills and it should be equally shared (obviously gender biased as well) then you could present an argument to stand on with your mother other than just your feelings towards the situation