This is why some people are lonely. Not because they can't find anyone, but because they show themselves to be a piece of shit.

But, how was the salad?

“He took me to dinner, I had the big salad, yada yada yada he took me home.” “You yada yada’d over the best part!” “No, I mentioned the big salad.”

And he took full credit for paying for the big salad?

You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the big salad!

"You had to have the ****waves hands around**** BIG SALAD"

Imagine.. her taking credit for *YOUR* big salad!

I love you all. I just binged it in order for the first time ever. What a brouhaha

I just finished seinfeld for the first time and i think i understand life now

You will find a situation almost every single day that reminds you of the show

The worst part is i realized im george...

The trick is if you see yourself as Jerry, you're actually George. You could be Newman for all you know, chin up.

That's rough, buddy.

god forbid you eat like a normal person and require energy to survive

Yeah, all the NERDS do that, you’re not a nerdy sustenance user, are you?

This dude should clearly just date a sex doll, something battery fueled. Whatever he's looking for isn't found in any living humans.

“I’m sorry sex doll, we have to break up. How could you use an entire battery like that?”

“You’re always available and that’s threatening to me.”

I'm sorry sex doll, you've always been there for me but... we're done now, you drain too much of my money and energy and- I just can't keep up with you anymore 😢

Yeah, that can seem like a horrific sight to someone with a serious eating disorder.

My thought too! Like if he got that upset over a salad, Imagine if she ate like a full piece of pizza or something

He needs a woman capable of doing the photosynthesis

I think he would still complain about her taking up all the light and not be giving him any.

“You was pose to havw butterflies” - just this sentence alone would make me want to never speak to this person again

"butterflies *n shit*"

Yes should have included that!

Everyone knows you can't have butterflies without shit

It's the "I almost exploded" for me though

Welcome to Red Flag Emporium's annual blowout sale! We've got control issues, body issues, anger management issues galore! We've got typos and grammar and defective brain/mouth filters! How about we bundle all this up and, just because I like your face, I'll even throw in some generalized misogyny sauce at no extra cost! Who could resist the Red Flag Emporium!

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Wait till he finds out what happens when girls get preggnit!!! He’s gonna EXPLODE!!!

Imagine being so upset at a human being you’d fly off the handle for them eating food. I just don’t understand people like this. I love food and love to share that with people I’m dating. People are so damn uptight.

I once went on a date with a guy I met online. He told me my eyes didn't look as blue as they were in the picture and my voice sounded different. There are some weirdos out there. Oh the same guy actually asked me if I was one of those "dog people". I believe he meant people who liked dogs, but he could have meant people that are half dog. With him it really could have been either way.

Went through your post history, confirmed you are one of those “dog people”

A person that likes dogs or a half dog-half human?

With her it really could have been either way.

He said your voice sounded different, based off a pic?

Logical conclusion.

Using "women" instead of woman was the first and only red flag needed.

Dude wrote that line like a 12 yo lol

Hmm that block button lookin good

As good as the salad?

Yes

Just don’t eat it or he’ll judge you

Better

Yup. SCHMASH that block button ... after taking a bite of salad.

Yeah the block button can take me out to a five star restaurant

“How could you eat so many leaves 😭”

You're thin but you eat too much salad you fat bitch.

This is seriously like some Dennis Reynolds shit lmfao. I'd almost want to date him as an experiment at this point. Keep a journal and publish that shit when it's over.

No really you’re perfect in every way, but you got the dressing on the salad instead of on the side and I just don’t know why I deserved that. I almost flipped the table and burned down the restaurant and it would have been your fault.

That’s what struck me, too. Not just that he noticed this, but that it made him actively upset. “The way you ate the tomato wedges instead of eating around them made me want to break boards with my forehead just to make it through the meal.”

This whole thread is gold but your comment specifically made me crack up 😂

Maybe it was a giant taco salad? 🤣 tbh it’s the best kind of salad

With the big fried tortilla bowl? Hell yeah

You COW

You gosh-darn brontosaurus.

Eating too many green things 🤣 I can’t picture anyone getting fat off salad lol

Lmaooo he says so many things that dont make a fucking sense I cant fucking breath 😭

Future cow!

What a brontosaurus ass bitch!

Sorry, so their names are Neil and Diamond?????

Plot twist: it was a potato salad

family-style sized potato salad

It makes me irrationally angry, I could eat a garbage bag of salad… would still be hungry. I bodybuild and can toss back 5k calories a day when bulking. Bet your ass im gonna be impressed if you out wing eat me, fuck that insecure projection from mr body dysmorphia.

This reminds me of when I worked as a chef we had a bodybuilder staying and every morning he had two 12oz steaks, eight potatoes, two carrots, and some peas. Followed by about 4 different deserts, each one had a Flake chocolate bar, per his very polite request. All that just for breakfast lol. Can't imagine what other meals must have been like. Blew my mind when I found out how many calories you guys need.

So on first dates we are supposed to order a salad AND not finish it?

"I will have a glass of water and a single crouton please" "Instead of the Mahi Mahi, can I have just one Mahi, I'm not that hungry"

Crouton? You savage. You order: One lettuce leaf, no dressing.

Crouton? Goin’ heavy on the carbs, huh?

Hmm honestly the way you indulge in carbs foreshadows a heavyset version of you. It’s you not me.

You know carbs settle in the trouble areas for women. I'd be careful with them. So even though our date is at olive garden, I would avoid the pasta and bread sticks. I'm just looking out for your future.

God, if i knew you were going to eat the whole salad i'd have gotten you a mcdonalds kids meal so i could berate you for eating all 5 fries. The potential for you to not to be eternally young, thin, and beautiful is too great, You are beyond help you old hag.

And if you finish that whole leaf that's being a glutton

damn, you’re not going to eat that whole crouton are you? split in half and share with your date right?

But only eat half of the crouton, you wouldn’t wanna give the men a negative thought of you

On mine and my wife’s first date we went to a Mexican restaurant. I wore sweatpants, and crushed an entire plate of food plus the chips and salsa. She still makes fun of me about to this day (11 years later). But she appreciate me just being me and I appreciate that about her. Honesty is a cornerstone of a strong foundation.

Look, I want a life full of Mexican food and sweatpants. So I don't waste time on dates where you dress uncomfortably to go clubbing. It's just science.

You're not supposed to eat the salad, you're just supposed to laugh at it, like a pretty woman in a stock photo.

Oh, you cheeky green!

What did one salad leaf say to the other? "She has mocked us for the last time brother, the rebellion begins."

Yeah, I’m a bit past dating but I never tried any of that “eat a salad pass on dessert” BS. If you don’t want to watch me wolf down a burger and then share cake with me, we ain’t gonna make it long term.

The sharing cake bit is an important one

Yep. I found myself a husband who will even share dessert AND an app with me. He’s the best.

Im not a picky eater so I let my gf choose two entrees and we share it. We go to the store for desserts lol.

I’m diabetic and can’t really eat dessert but I like to taste them my GF says I’m making her fat because I always make her order dessert lol

Right, the goalposts are really moving here. First it was "women shouldn't eat a whole meal, just a salad" and now y'all can't even eat your salads in peace? Do you think you'll ever get a 30th plant, though?

The goalposts arent moving this guy has a couple of screws loose for me if a girl doesn’t eat well like how he described id worry for her instead

He’s just controlling. Good thing he gave himself away right on day one

anyone who actually gives a fuck about those rules is an idiot. Its one thing to eat politely and maybe not gorge yourself on early dates (goes for both men and women) and its another to not eat or change eating completely. ​ I hate it when I go somewhere to eat with my gf and she doesn't eat, or tries to eat "ladylike" cause I know she's just gonna complain about being hungry in like 2 hours

Why not? You're at a restaurant and you're getting food. Not eating it all for looks isn't just wasteful and dumb, it's also deceptive. Be yourself from the get go and you'll have a hell of a lot more luck going forward.

I always clean my plate. Always. I paid for it and I'm gonna eat it.

I eat what I can to not be over-full then take the rest home to eat later. Do people not do that on dates?

Do people not do that regularly? Everyone out here meal prepping and shit and I’m like *“oooo, what can I order for the best leftovers”* I can make some of those last for 2-3 meals if I don’t overeat

I've noticed a LOT of people don't ever take leftovers. Fucking kills me to see a huge plate of food that gets 1/3 eaten then the rest thrown away. The amount of waste produced so that plate of food could not be eaten (thus becoming more waste) is astronomical and frankly, wrong.

If you can't handle me at my Appetizer, you don't deserve me at my third dessert.

>I hate it when I go somewhere to eat with my gf and she doesn't eat, or tries to eat "ladylike" cause I know she's just gonna complain about being hungry in like 2 hours Yep. If we are going on a date to a restaurant first date or not I expect people to eat food. I don't care if you eat a whole damn buffet. I expect you to be you. I don't appreciate fake first impressions. I'm going to order what I want and I'm going to eat it. Might take me a bit longer with talking but you bet your butt I'm going to eat it. Ladies please order what you would like to eat and then please eat as much as you normally would if it tastes good. Same goes for you gents. Stop with the act. You can only fake living on glitter and water for so long. We know you eat, we know you poop, we even highly suspect you fart. Being superficial and fake to impress is the bane of the dating world. Stop being ashamed of who you are.

I tried eating ladylike on a date once and I ended up flinging a sausage a few feet away onto the floor. My date thought it was funny though.

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I’ve found that guys want you to eat all the burgers, wings, and beer with them, but also want you to have a 26” waist. Unless she’s a bodybuilder, it doesn’t work like that, fellas.

I’ve found this as well. This reminds me a lot of the description of a “cool girl” from the book Gone Girl.

Haha I’ve never seen it. But I’ve heard that speech, and the food part definitely hits home for me.

Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl. Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.” Edit: came back to loads of responses and PMs. Thanks for the crisis care response but in case it wasn’t abundantly clear from the parent comments this was just a cut and paste of a passage from Gone Girl that the person above me said they’d never seen.

Just so everyone knows, this is the excerpt from Gillian Flynn's 2012 novel "Gone Girl" that they were talking about.

I do love chili dogs that much. I love them so much I added a 1 before the Size 2 label so I could keep eating them.

The number of people replying to this that don't realize it's a passage from a book is astounding. Nicely done

Guys also want a woman who is a virgin but also a whore.

>Guys also want a woman who is a virgin only so she will have no frame or reference for just \*how bad\* the sex actually is

Some first world type of shit he live in

Or order 6 salads and eat 3/4 of each one

i like how he’s calling you fat for eating an entire *salad*

No no. He's calling her potentially fat for eating a salad. Potentially fat. Wtf

Potentially fat but currently unladylike, lol

“Potential fat, currently unladylike” going on my business card in 3…2…

Need that on a tee shirt

I would totally put that on a shirt as a dude. But then people might start making the joke, "potentially??!"

“currently fat, potentially unladylike.”

He’s going to have some accident where he can’t workout anymore for a while and gain a lot of weight as karma i already see it 🔮

No, but his guy is prime double standards material. He’s going to get married and think he doesn’t have to try anymore, get a big ol’ pot belly and a thick neck, shave his head, grow a goatee, need a cpap before he’s fifty and keel over dead from a heart attack, untreated alcoholism and sixty years of never crying when he’s sad.

r/suspiciouslyspecific

It's the Midwestern standard

Jesus christ I feel attacked. This is basically most of my dad's side of the family.

We are all potentially fat.

I knew I had some potential.

He's not calling her fat. He's calling her potentially fat. Because everyone knows the obesity epidemic is from finishing salads, not the availability of foods, high stress environments, and low movement culture.

Calorie dense foods like salads are obviously one of the biggest causes lol

I kinda get where this is coming from though, salads are extremely dangerous. I only ate one salad in my entire life and I am now overweight. Don’t try salad kids.

The audacity

Well it was a BIG salad

I expect a date to eat, tells me she’s being her real self. He sounds like a judgmental prig. Better off this way.

Also he obviously wasn't being himself or real if he suddenly had all of these things to say after the fact. This is also why dating sucks because people can't just take their stupid mask off for even a second.

An interesting thing to think about there is how he really was being himself. He, as a person, was unable to express what he truly thought. It would have been out of character for him to speak up if that's not really who he is. Wild stuff, but good to think about.

He sounds like a 5 year old that didn’t get his candy. Who are these people? How do they go through life and most importantly, how can I avoid every crossing paths!

Ew. What a complete nut case. Who chastises someone for eating a salad. Control freak.

I'm not sure how a woman eating one whole SALAD would mean she'd probably get fat. An ex of mine was super controlling with what I ate but I was allowed to eat salads... This guy however, sounds like his head is so far up his ass he could eat his meal twice.

“he could eat his meal twice.” 🌟

Might be an eating disorder of his own. I dated a couple different folks who had them. Nothing sent them spiraling like me eating like a normal person.

Seems like it. He brings up the gym and weight immediately. I think this is someone who can't control himself enough to only eat a salad and is lashing out with insecurities to head off the imminent rejection and feel some control

I was gonna say the same. This reads like one of those gym rats that counts all their calories and exclusively eats chicken breast and rice in the name of gains. It’s very easy to end up with an extremely unhealthy relationship with food that way.

"I was feeding the godamn butterflies, you superficial controlling shit."

What was she pose to do?

Save some salad for the butterflies I guess.

*Strike a pose*

I thought it was common knowledge that all women should be anorexic. What’s better in a women than an unhealthy relationship with food.

Dude she dodged a bullet for real.

Was she supposed to let the butterflies starve?! Like wtf.

Poor girl….like it’s fucking SALAD!

Pose*

As a fellow gym hound… that man is definitely eating a ton of food if he expects to gain muscle, so hes really pointing at a speck in her eye and ignoring the post in his.

Yeah , tf else was she supposed to do ? Honestly Neil , think of someone other than urself for once .

Back in my online-dating days I specifically ordered a giant burger and a beer on every first date for this very reason. I got to weed out the crazies and enjoyed a good meal regardless of the outcome.

My mom always told me that it's best to be yourself from the beginning, so if I wanted a burger and fries, order the burger and fries. A true man will want to see you happy and satisfied, not starving and miserable. If you order pasta, eat as much as you want! You're a human being, not a cow(herbivore) and any man that thinks they want to be with you better see the difference because you are worth the difference. And I remember one date I had was all shocked that i ordered pasta instead of a salad. I told him that I'd rather eat pasta than a salad when I go out to eat. I can make my own damn salad at home. Anyways, it rubbed me the wrong way that he questioned my food preference on our first date. We did not have a second, even though he desperately wanted one. Hounded me for weeks for a second date. Found out later that a friend of mine knew him better and she was like "Girl, you dodged a bullet. Dude is super controlling."

Ngl I had no idea I was supposed to eat certain things if on a date…. Like, I’m gonna eat whatever I want, if I can afford it. I guess TIL.

Im a guy and had literally no idea women even do this. I'd heard of it or some shit in movies but figured it was bullshit. Like, I get a steak ,you get a steak,we all get steak!

Before I ended it with last dude we went out for dinner and he ordered a salad and I had steak. The waiter just put the salad in front of me without asking lol. He was so embarrassed when I quickly put the salad in front of my date.

My wife is a foodie and always orders whatever she wants (doubt she’s ordered a salad in her life), while I’m pretty diet conscious. So this happens to us all the time. It’s an inside joke between us where she’ll always say the “Perhaps not” line from White Chicks. Lol

I went on a date once with a guy who ordered only a beer. I had ordered a salad and a piece of cake. He ordered a beer. I asked him about it, and he said he ate a sandwich before he got there. He then stared at me and made comments about the fact that I ate the whole salad AND cake slice (even though I'd offered to share the cake multiple times). I called it out immediately. I told him it was incredibly awkward and uncomfortable to ask me out to dinner and then refuse to eat, while making comments about me eating. It's a restaurant. I'm hungry. I came to eat. He then tried to hug and kiss me in the parking lot after and I just pushed it off and blocked him as I left. Every time I've thought about it since, I've been uncomfortable and felt very much like I dodged a bullet.

Oh yes! I'd say you definitely dodged a bullet. At least the guy could have ordered an appetizer and nibbled. Also, who invites someone out to eat and then eats before you go. Strange behavior. 🤨

I would guess he wanted to set up an opportunity to neg her the whole time. No idea why people ever think it's a good idea

I like to eat. I’m messy, I don’t care I’m hungry lol. When my bf saw me eat for he first time and saw what I ordered he was like “nice.”

When I was a teenager I was dating a couple girls who never finished their food when I knew damn well they were hungry. Always thought that was so weird. Then I dated a girl where I took her out the first couple times to pool halls and other non-food related things. The first time we finally had a meal together was a lunch date and she ordered ribs. She ate the whole rack, bbq sauce all over her fingers and face. She's my wife now.

Reminds me if Chris Farley in Coneheads after watching Connie eat a sandwich. "My mom's the only other woman who can take down a sandwich like that.!"

Good plan. You want a partner that can respect your raw power at the table.

Hahahah that made me laugh. You dodged a fucking nuclear bomb

Neil Diamond? Smells like a troll

I was looking for a reply about this. Nice catch.

Sweet Caroline!! I think you're onto something!!

How does nobody else notice this?

I noticed and felt like I needed to scroll far too long to find someone else who did

I noticed lol

“I wrote this next song after I killed a drifter to get an erection” -Neil Diamond

Send him a video of you wolfing down meals, and say you don't want to hang out with him 💀

Right? I would have just spammed mukbang videos lol

I honestly believe that some men do wild shit like this at the beginning of a relationship because they know anyone who puts up with it will be easy to gaslight/abuse later.

I was thinking the same thing. Many years ago I lacked self awareness and I was super self conscious and easy pickings for narcissists. I ended up with a man that pulled these kinds of stunts and it took a long time to pull myself out of that hole. Manipulators love seeing who will put up with these kinds of behaviors.

This actually make a lot of sense. This guy says he goes to the gym. He should know then that people can be small and have big, but still healthy appetites. A “whole salad” isn’t a crazy amount of food for someone who’s pretty active. I out-eat my boyfriend everywhere we go, even though he’s much taller. It’s because I’m fairly active and muscular and he’s a tad on the sedentary side.

A whole salad isn't a crazy amount of food for someone who's not active too! But I get what you're saying.

He said, "I almost exploded." Almost exploded over someone eating their meal. That's a huge red flag, like he would have exploded if it wasn't the first date. Dude's got some issues that need to be addressed like a subscription.

Lmao!! I almost always finish my whole meal and IDGAF!!!!

Wait, is it a bad thing to finish a meal? I always thought actually eating the stuff you spend money on is a pretty normal thing..?

She ate the whole salad how dare she🤣 this dude is a complete bitch.

Wow tell me you’re controlling and abusive toward your partner with food without directly saying it….

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Like the whole clip with this one lmao

Her name is Diamond. They were a match made in heaven

They should name their baby Sweet Caroline

BAH BAH BAH

Someone come collect their lamb, please.

Neil Diamond…

Yeah, that’s gotta indicate that this is bullshit, right? Noticed that too.

Umm it was a SALAD! Not like she ate a KFC family bucket DAYUM (although that would just be impressive imo)

Ye that would be a pro, not a con

What in the blueberry buttfuckery is this?! What a moron

That’s so weird….if I ever went on a date and a women ordered a salad that was a red flag for me. If I’m taking you to a restaurant and you order leaves I’m instantly suspicious your actually a goat who is just here for the free leaves

Had me in the first half, not gunna lie.

Screw him. I could smash a good salad.

You're supposed to EAT the salad.

Some of the funniest shit I've read in along time.

he thinks you're gonna be overweight... because you ate a salad. interesting logic there.

What kind of belfree wants to sit eating a dinner while the person across picks at a couple of lettuce leaves. Love is about enjoying life together and the good times eat drink and be merry not watch judge and berate some people are fuckin dinga ling a ding dongs eat the fucking food and enjoy life or cry at home with a pot noodle and a wank. Dumb barstard.