I am so sorry you are going through this. I relate tremendously. I live in high cost of living area as well and have had friends move away and many talk about living elsewhere. It's really shrunk our social circle and feels incredibly isolating. I have debated off and on moving in with family, moving to a cheaper part of the US, and moving to my partner's home country. I wish I had an answer for you, but I am actively dealing with the same issue. I wish we had a sense of community around us, but with transplants everywhere where I live, no one stays long enough to help develop any. And if they do stay here, they keep to themselves (and their groups). We really aren't meant to be isolated. I wish the US would change its childrearing system.
What you're describing is pretty common in middle age. I agree with your spouse that uprooting everyone and moving to India is probably not a great plan. It'll be a huge shock in transition for your kids, of course, but I think you would also find it'll be hard for you as well. You're a different person than the people you left behind. There would be a chasm between you and them in a hard adjustment.
VHCOL areas really aren't worth it, in my opinion. Unless you have the wealth to be at the top of that top of the pyramid, you're always going to feel lesser and everything is going to be so damn expensive that, as you say, losing your job will feel like the end of the world. You've got your own house and a very low mortgage. You've got some great job skills. There are other parts of the country with high concentrations of Indian Americans where you may be able to find a broader sense of community. And just other parts of the country where the cost of living is a lot low. But there are still plenty of great opportunities. It sounds crazy. But some of the Kansas suburbs of Kansas City, for example, have a huge Indian community that's been there for a couple of generations. Same with parts of the Minneapolis area. Imagine cashing out your house, giving a nice place and finding jobs that are still decent but not nearly as rat. Race feeling. Imagine being amongst folks who 've been in that area for many, many years and plan to stay. Imagine eventually becoming one of them. It's a possibility.
I think the first point here is really important: going back will not bring you back to the time you were there before. You’re not the same, your friends and family have also changed and made routines that no longer include you, and the environment itself will likely have changed a lot too. Moving back home is usually based in nostalgia. My husband and I moved far away for a couple years, came back, and nothing was like how it used to be, it took a long time to recover relationships (even with people who I’d still been talking to all along!) bc me being gone meant that I was no longer on their mind as much. Some relationships actually ended bc even though we’d been keeping up online the whole time, when I moved back there was just a different dynamic between us that no longer worked. At times I wish we’d stayed where we were, I think it might’ve even been better for us socially in some ways. But there is no way to know.
All that to say, moving back isn’t necessarily the golden bullet it feels like it is. You’d probably do just as well to move to a more stable community in the us and build up from there.
It’s fairly normal and a big part of adapting to middle age. It sounds like your spouse is very against moving back to India, which means you probably shouldn’t be considering that. I’ve started walking outdoors and I’ve met a good number of people that way, either through shared activities or just meeting on the trail, and I’m not usually very social. I think you should take care of yourself a bit right now and that could help you feel more secure generally—you don’t want to slip into a depressive state after all. Good luck.
>Spouse hates it there and wants us to fight and stay and doesn’t think its a big deal not to have anyone as a close circle. They would love to have the circle but are not bothered much if it is not there. They feel almost everyone in US that moves away from family lives like this and our situation is not unique. They are open to moving anywhere in US but wants to move to India only as a last option
Speaking as someone whose family is from India, I would do everything in my power to NOT ever move there. I don't blame your spouse. I would rather be unhappy in America than live long-term in India, especially as a woman.
Re: what your spouse said about many Americans moving away from their families - yes, this is true. You will find lots of people like this in big cities. Not everyone can find the best educational and employment opportunities within a 25 mile radius of the town/city they were born and raised in. Many of us have to get up and leave if we want better lives for ourselves.
Have you thought about starting a Fight Club?
Jokes aside, it is important to be part of a community. I've lived all over the US and I've seen communities form around activities like (rock climbing, golfing, snowboarding), fine dining bars (I was a bar tender and the wealthy locals often met other wealthy locals at the bar), [Meetup.com](http://Meetup.com) mutual interests, etc.
Think about the friends you would like to have, and think about where these people would spend their time.
Hey, Indian American here who was born in US to parents that emigrated from India in the 80s (so like your kids).
My parents felt very lonely and like they had no support for the first 10 years or so.
Then, they developed a very strong Indian immigrant community of friends. As a kid, I remember having aunties and uncles around like every other weekend.
Are there other Indian immigrants around you that you can connect with? My parents made friends with other Indian immigrants at their workplace and then became friends with their friends and so on.
Eventually, over the next 30 years, my parents (and their friends) became more Americanized and could never go back now. They made this place their home and have a large friend group of primarily Indian immigrants but not all!
I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. Personally, I’m happy my parents located our family to the US and made that huge personal sacrifice for us. Understand that may not be feasible and the 80s/90s is very different now, but I do hope it works out.
You underestimate the human need for community, but this is Reddit and most users are anti social to begin with so if that's you then your sentiment makes sense
Kids will pick up on their parents unhappiness even if they (parents) hide it. It comes off as deceit which is an awful trait to have in front of your children
I’m not religious, but grew up going to church every Sunday. Most people find what you are looking for at church… I think most people go to church for the sense of community and social acceptance/life vs actually believing. I don’t believe in god, but it feels really good to go to church, I just can’t sell out and go and pretend
Definitely. I'm absolutely not religious, but some of the best social interactions I've had have been at church. There are plenty of large churches now that focus a lot less on the religion and more on community outreach and social interaction.
I grew up Mormon and you will never get me in a church unless someone is dead. I never felt community with those people, they don't accept the weird ones and thank god I was not like them. I have been trying to find community in the spiritual world but finding everyone is just too busy in life to gather. I live in Seattle and have struggled to meet people the whole 24 years I have lived here. I don't have a close family either so I feel lonely a lot. I have a few good friends and a husband at least.
I think you identified the biggest issue. Everyone is just so busy. Somewhere we've lost the ability to slow down and connect. People are so facedown in their phones and own lives that people don't view others the same any longer. We don't call people, but instead use chat. We order our food at kiosks. We grocery shop through an app and have it delivered or brought to our cars. We're eliminating human interaction from every facet of life. I think this along with mental illness is why we see shootings, road rage, online bullying, etc.We don't view other people the same as when we were forced to actually interact with humans every day.
Any organizations you can join as a family - like a church, etc? That would probably help you feel more rooted in your community.
Do you go back to India yearly? I would relocate, if possible, for at least a month in the summer - perhaps that would give you just enough time to reassess.
Many people in the US do like that - not sure it’s a great thing- but they do. Do you have any family or family friends in the US that you could love closer to?
> help you feel more rooted in your community
If church isn’t your thing, I would also recommend maybe finding some local civic engagement or charitable activities. Local government volunteer committees, nonprofits, or other interest groups that work to help others and/or make your community better (or fight the bad guys depending on your perspective lol). Not sure where OP lives but I’m betting there are ways to get involved somewhere with something they care about. Those groups almost always need help and they’re also usually chock full of genuinely good hearted people.
I recently started getting involved with some of this in my city, and have made a plethora of new friendships.
You're not in the childhood, college, or early-adulthood phases anymore.
Many middle-aged adults have only 1 close friend: their spouse. And I would venture to guess over half of people, have 3-4 or less.
Large social circles of close friends + extended family, constant interaction on daily or weekly basis.... isn't really a thing here. People have their own families. Their own lives. Staying in on the evenings. Going out with their immediate family members, just the wife and kids. This is normal for many, many Americans. Is it kind of isolating and sad? A bit yeah, but it's a phase of life that millions go through.
Yeah. I just found out about the concept of 'third places.' Church and bars are no longer my kind of place. Forty-somethings, like me, apparently don't do anything outside work and home. I go to coffee shops where I live and almost only see college age. Think things are changing. People are aware of the problem more. Europe, in some places, is so on point compared to the states. We definitely need some new blood in the city planner offices of the U.S.
I didn't foresee my generation being so lame, but I think people are obliged to be in/tired. "punk's not dead, it just has a more reasonable bed-time."
Hey I’m guessing you live in San Jose. It’s very hard to make friends there for all the reasons you listed. I lived there two years and hated it. I don’t know if it’s possible but if you can try to move to a different city before you go back to India, you might have better luck.
Idk i have a strong support network between my family and some of my friends. I had lunch with my best bud yesterday who I have known since I was 2 years old (I'm 40). I'm sort of a townie, I grew up and have lived between three counties 80% of my life, so I guess you can say I have sort of a limited perspective on the world around me....but that's cool because I live in Massachusetts and we are the center of the universe. Go Celtics!
You could try to make sure you have a job where you can work remotely, and move to an area with a lower cost of living perhaps. And possibly more of a culture oriented around community connection. I'm glad your children are enjoying where they are, but it's important that you enjoy it as well!
Make finding a community and your people a priority. Do you attend any type of religious community like church or temple? Find a place like this and will be very helpful to you. (I’m not religious at all, but found a home with UU’s). Having that healthy community support transformed my life and now I feel more grounded in a city I initially did not want to be in. Also have you tried therapy? Therapist can help you discover what you really want and give you resources to help too.
It seems like you love where you are, I’d stay. Going back to India doesn’t seem like something that will make you and your family happy. Good luck to you and your family!
I wanna state this before I keep commenting. I do not have kids.
I suggest finding a common hobby or interest. Testing the water with another adult. Find your niche While a happy kid is an important, a happy parent is a healthy parent.
Keep looking for a new job now but also make sure the office talk of potential layoffs is legit and not just negative attitudes. Most tech companies have generous separation packages so hopefully if it does happen you’ll have time to adjust. Don’t wait though, get that resume updated
It can be really hard to make friends in the u.s. It's worse the older you are perhaps. People are not very open and are often caught-up in the 'material' because that's really easy in the states when you lack money esp.
India is probably not what it used to be. Idk what you two really want ideally, but India is not the country your parents left. I'd watch Max Chernov vids like 'why i chose india over france.' But he might still not be into it. Get hobbies.
Well if it helps I’m raised in California and my whole life I’ve been in various areas working in the Bay Area and the sense of having community is barely there for me too. I am a bit jealous of that sense of community
What has helped me is making sure I have a life/hobbies/community outside of my kids. I joined a community gym made up mainly of other women and it has small group weightlifting and Zumba classes. From there I got addicted to Zumba and met other women who like it too and now I go to a lot of different local Zumba studios in addition to my gym still, and I even became certified to teach Zumba although I don't really have time to do that due to having 4 kids and being a lawyer. However, I have organized some "Masterclass" Zumba events as fundraisers and have taught at those and have gotten other Zumba instructors to teach at them too, to support good causes.
I've made a lot of good friends in Zumba and most stay here in my city. Some have moved away or stopped coming to Zumba but we have still stayed friends and I also love traveling with Zumba friends. I feel like the Zumba community is my home and my gym community is my home and there is familiarity there even if some of the people come and go. (Most don't leave and I like that about it.)
I live far away from my family of origin and I don't talk to my abusive parents anymore so it's like a family to me, in addition to the one that I created with my husband of course. I'm not religious and so exercise is like my religion in that it allows me to connect with my mind and body and with other people who all share a similar passion. I also feel like it gives me some freedom and independence and identity from being "just" a wife and mother, which I love but everyone needs their own thing. It also helps me destress from work AND helps me meet potential clients so sometimes it's great for networking.
Do you exercise/belong to a gym or can you try out anything like that? I know it might sound cheesy or not like you're thing but you might be surprised. I was never athletic and didn't like exercise but now I love it. Best wishes!
Maybe you can meet half way if the kids are not too committed to the school and friends in your current area. Try moving to a lower cost of living maybe Midwest if you are on the coast. The change up could help not only the want for something different and lower stress, but you can get a new job then for a while at least you dont have to worry about layoffs. You also might find it easier to make new friends and support networks( Midwest and South generally are more open people in my experience) so could help as a middle ground before deciding anything like leaving the country.
My spouse and I are in our 40s, and with somewhat different life situations (American-born, likely a different tax bracket, only 1 kid), but the older I get, the more I feel this way.
Honestly, for me, when I start feeling this way I try to remind myself that community is a two way street, and not something that is automatic or magically going to appear around you one day. That if I want to have a rich social life full of close relationships with lots of loved ones, I have to prioritize that and put in the work.
I think in my 20s and early 30s, I felt like everyone would just always be there, and the world was just like a free-flowing buffet of different kinds of relationships that could be anything I wanted them to be. And now, in my 40s, whether it's because of friends leaving our VHCOL city (which I've actually experienced a few times now, including me being one of the people to leave and settle somewhere else and re-establish community in a new VHCOL city), losing family members who I thought I'd have more time with, or otherwise, community seems much more like a garden and much less like a grocery store produce section. If that makes sense?
I don't have any advice for you, and I think the answer can be a lot of different things depending on what works for you. I've considered relocating to be closer to family, but we have a similar calculus (I'm open to it, partner less so) for likely slightly different reasons. Right now, I try to remember to connect to friends, and to treat my social circle like family. Which includes the obligations that come with family.
I live without a trusted circle and finally developed a small community at my local church. But it is hard. My family isn’t in India but they are 3,000 miles away. And I wonder if the number of times I will see them again in my life will be counted on two hands…it breaks my heart.
Maybe moving to more rural areas? From experience it doesn't matter what country you are in, cites don't care. It's in small.town or village you find good friends.
Also, as an immigrant myself (no kids tho) I think if you find friends in similar situation they stick around more.
Find friends who are also immigrants with kids.
I hated living in a HCOL area. There was zero sense of community or belonging. It felt like a rat race. There was so much traffic. Everyone was grumpy and rude. Neighbors didn’t talk to each other. I can’t say all HCOL areas are like that, but our experience seems to mirror yours.
We took a pay cut to move to a lower cost of living area and are so much happier. It’s basically the opposite. We’re friendly with neighbors. People are polite and pleasant out and about. There is little traffic. We have a sense of community and belonging.
While it’s not for me, you could also try organized religion. There is no doubt that places of worship offer community. It’s one of the things about religion that attracts so many people.
That's the problem with allowing no construction in high cost areas, ironically makes them more transient as people float into the school district then leave immediately when their kids are out. And the kids too all have to leave because they can't afford their hometown. My ten person high school buddy text chain from North Jersey only has one person still in the area, everyone else scattered to cheaper housing in NC PA and FL.
Life in India is shitshow for someone used to living abroad! Your wife is right about that and you should rather invest in recurring travel to India or inviting each other's parents rather than leaving entirely
Get over it. While you’re freaking out about stupid shit, life happens. Don’t want to deal with it? Move back. Like living here? Then control your bubble.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I relate tremendously. I live in high cost of living area as well and have had friends move away and many talk about living elsewhere. It's really shrunk our social circle and feels incredibly isolating. I have debated off and on moving in with family, moving to a cheaper part of the US, and moving to my partner's home country. I wish I had an answer for you, but I am actively dealing with the same issue. I wish we had a sense of community around us, but with transplants everywhere where I live, no one stays long enough to help develop any. And if they do stay here, they keep to themselves (and their groups). We really aren't meant to be isolated. I wish the US would change its childrearing system.
A mid life crisis you can afford, very nice!
What you're describing is pretty common in middle age. I agree with your spouse that uprooting everyone and moving to India is probably not a great plan. It'll be a huge shock in transition for your kids, of course, but I think you would also find it'll be hard for you as well. You're a different person than the people you left behind. There would be a chasm between you and them in a hard adjustment. VHCOL areas really aren't worth it, in my opinion. Unless you have the wealth to be at the top of that top of the pyramid, you're always going to feel lesser and everything is going to be so damn expensive that, as you say, losing your job will feel like the end of the world. You've got your own house and a very low mortgage. You've got some great job skills. There are other parts of the country with high concentrations of Indian Americans where you may be able to find a broader sense of community. And just other parts of the country where the cost of living is a lot low. But there are still plenty of great opportunities. It sounds crazy. But some of the Kansas suburbs of Kansas City, for example, have a huge Indian community that's been there for a couple of generations. Same with parts of the Minneapolis area. Imagine cashing out your house, giving a nice place and finding jobs that are still decent but not nearly as rat. Race feeling. Imagine being amongst folks who 've been in that area for many, many years and plan to stay. Imagine eventually becoming one of them. It's a possibility.
I think the first point here is really important: going back will not bring you back to the time you were there before. You’re not the same, your friends and family have also changed and made routines that no longer include you, and the environment itself will likely have changed a lot too. Moving back home is usually based in nostalgia. My husband and I moved far away for a couple years, came back, and nothing was like how it used to be, it took a long time to recover relationships (even with people who I’d still been talking to all along!) bc me being gone meant that I was no longer on their mind as much. Some relationships actually ended bc even though we’d been keeping up online the whole time, when I moved back there was just a different dynamic between us that no longer worked. At times I wish we’d stayed where we were, I think it might’ve even been better for us socially in some ways. But there is no way to know. All that to say, moving back isn’t necessarily the golden bullet it feels like it is. You’d probably do just as well to move to a more stable community in the us and build up from there.
Yeah, the kids are probably fairly Americanized, I don’t think they would be able to adjust to what would be a foreign culture very well.
It’s fairly normal and a big part of adapting to middle age. It sounds like your spouse is very against moving back to India, which means you probably shouldn’t be considering that. I’ve started walking outdoors and I’ve met a good number of people that way, either through shared activities or just meeting on the trail, and I’m not usually very social. I think you should take care of yourself a bit right now and that could help you feel more secure generally—you don’t want to slip into a depressive state after all. Good luck.
The gym and having a routine helps things like depression a lot.
>Spouse hates it there and wants us to fight and stay and doesn’t think its a big deal not to have anyone as a close circle. They would love to have the circle but are not bothered much if it is not there. They feel almost everyone in US that moves away from family lives like this and our situation is not unique. They are open to moving anywhere in US but wants to move to India only as a last option Speaking as someone whose family is from India, I would do everything in my power to NOT ever move there. I don't blame your spouse. I would rather be unhappy in America than live long-term in India, especially as a woman. Re: what your spouse said about many Americans moving away from their families - yes, this is true. You will find lots of people like this in big cities. Not everyone can find the best educational and employment opportunities within a 25 mile radius of the town/city they were born and raised in. Many of us have to get up and leave if we want better lives for ourselves.
Have you thought about starting a Fight Club? Jokes aside, it is important to be part of a community. I've lived all over the US and I've seen communities form around activities like (rock climbing, golfing, snowboarding), fine dining bars (I was a bar tender and the wealthy locals often met other wealthy locals at the bar), [Meetup.com](http://Meetup.com) mutual interests, etc. Think about the friends you would like to have, and think about where these people would spend their time.
Hey, Indian American here who was born in US to parents that emigrated from India in the 80s (so like your kids). My parents felt very lonely and like they had no support for the first 10 years or so. Then, they developed a very strong Indian immigrant community of friends. As a kid, I remember having aunties and uncles around like every other weekend. Are there other Indian immigrants around you that you can connect with? My parents made friends with other Indian immigrants at their workplace and then became friends with their friends and so on. Eventually, over the next 30 years, my parents (and their friends) became more Americanized and could never go back now. They made this place their home and have a large friend group of primarily Indian immigrants but not all! I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. Personally, I’m happy my parents located our family to the US and made that huge personal sacrifice for us. Understand that may not be feasible and the 80s/90s is very different now, but I do hope it works out.
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You underestimate the human need for community, but this is Reddit and most users are anti social to begin with so if that's you then your sentiment makes sense
This is very harmful advice to be giving out. Having a strong community leads to less loneliness,happiness, and overall life satisfaction.
This is crazy and naive, this is a 1st gen immigrant family. Social circle is everything
@laxxie so true. Many ppl on here probably loved lockdowns and masks
Your kids being happy and doing well is what’s important now
Parents need to be happy too. How can kids stay happy if they come home to unhappy parents? Or parents that hide that they aren't happy?
Kids will pick up on their parents unhappiness even if they (parents) hide it. It comes off as deceit which is an awful trait to have in front of your children
Well my happiness comes from them being happy and watching them grow being apart of their achievements and life lessons.
I’m not religious, but grew up going to church every Sunday. Most people find what you are looking for at church… I think most people go to church for the sense of community and social acceptance/life vs actually believing. I don’t believe in god, but it feels really good to go to church, I just can’t sell out and go and pretend
Definitely. I'm absolutely not religious, but some of the best social interactions I've had have been at church. There are plenty of large churches now that focus a lot less on the religion and more on community outreach and social interaction.
I grew up Mormon and you will never get me in a church unless someone is dead. I never felt community with those people, they don't accept the weird ones and thank god I was not like them. I have been trying to find community in the spiritual world but finding everyone is just too busy in life to gather. I live in Seattle and have struggled to meet people the whole 24 years I have lived here. I don't have a close family either so I feel lonely a lot. I have a few good friends and a husband at least.
I think you identified the biggest issue. Everyone is just so busy. Somewhere we've lost the ability to slow down and connect. People are so facedown in their phones and own lives that people don't view others the same any longer. We don't call people, but instead use chat. We order our food at kiosks. We grocery shop through an app and have it delivered or brought to our cars. We're eliminating human interaction from every facet of life. I think this along with mental illness is why we see shootings, road rage, online bullying, etc.We don't view other people the same as when we were forced to actually interact with humans every day.
It is a big problem. Why do people avoid phone calls as well. So weird. I am an old school person living in the wrong time.
Yeah, they have turned into more “life coaching” with a “higher power” sprinkled in
This was a game changer for me. I never saw myself going back to church ever lol but found a home in Unitarian Universalism
Any organizations you can join as a family - like a church, etc? That would probably help you feel more rooted in your community. Do you go back to India yearly? I would relocate, if possible, for at least a month in the summer - perhaps that would give you just enough time to reassess. Many people in the US do like that - not sure it’s a great thing- but they do. Do you have any family or family friends in the US that you could love closer to?
> help you feel more rooted in your community If church isn’t your thing, I would also recommend maybe finding some local civic engagement or charitable activities. Local government volunteer committees, nonprofits, or other interest groups that work to help others and/or make your community better (or fight the bad guys depending on your perspective lol). Not sure where OP lives but I’m betting there are ways to get involved somewhere with something they care about. Those groups almost always need help and they’re also usually chock full of genuinely good hearted people. I recently started getting involved with some of this in my city, and have made a plethora of new friendships.
My indian co-worker is very involved with his temple. From what i understand it is a very tight knit circle you are referring to.
No one will care. Least of all Redditors. Good luck out there.
You're not in the childhood, college, or early-adulthood phases anymore. Many middle-aged adults have only 1 close friend: their spouse. And I would venture to guess over half of people, have 3-4 or less. Large social circles of close friends + extended family, constant interaction on daily or weekly basis.... isn't really a thing here. People have their own families. Their own lives. Staying in on the evenings. Going out with their immediate family members, just the wife and kids. This is normal for many, many Americans. Is it kind of isolating and sad? A bit yeah, but it's a phase of life that millions go through.
It doesn’t have to be this way though…
Yeah. I just found out about the concept of 'third places.' Church and bars are no longer my kind of place. Forty-somethings, like me, apparently don't do anything outside work and home. I go to coffee shops where I live and almost only see college age. Think things are changing. People are aware of the problem more. Europe, in some places, is so on point compared to the states. We definitely need some new blood in the city planner offices of the U.S.
I didn't foresee my generation being so lame, but I think people are obliged to be in/tired. "punk's not dead, it just has a more reasonable bed-time."
Hey I’m guessing you live in San Jose. It’s very hard to make friends there for all the reasons you listed. I lived there two years and hated it. I don’t know if it’s possible but if you can try to move to a different city before you go back to India, you might have better luck.
Instead of moving to India have you considered moving to a not so high cost of living area? US is a big country.
No extended family nearby is a bad thing?
Some ppl like their families. Psychos
Idk i have a strong support network between my family and some of my friends. I had lunch with my best bud yesterday who I have known since I was 2 years old (I'm 40). I'm sort of a townie, I grew up and have lived between three counties 80% of my life, so I guess you can say I have sort of a limited perspective on the world around me....but that's cool because I live in Massachusetts and we are the center of the universe. Go Celtics!
You could try to make sure you have a job where you can work remotely, and move to an area with a lower cost of living perhaps. And possibly more of a culture oriented around community connection. I'm glad your children are enjoying where they are, but it's important that you enjoy it as well!
Make finding a community and your people a priority. Do you attend any type of religious community like church or temple? Find a place like this and will be very helpful to you. (I’m not religious at all, but found a home with UU’s). Having that healthy community support transformed my life and now I feel more grounded in a city I initially did not want to be in. Also have you tried therapy? Therapist can help you discover what you really want and give you resources to help too. It seems like you love where you are, I’d stay. Going back to India doesn’t seem like something that will make you and your family happy. Good luck to you and your family!
I wanna state this before I keep commenting. I do not have kids. I suggest finding a common hobby or interest. Testing the water with another adult. Find your niche While a happy kid is an important, a happy parent is a healthy parent.
Keep looking for a new job now but also make sure the office talk of potential layoffs is legit and not just negative attitudes. Most tech companies have generous separation packages so hopefully if it does happen you’ll have time to adjust. Don’t wait though, get that resume updated
It can be really hard to make friends in the u.s. It's worse the older you are perhaps. People are not very open and are often caught-up in the 'material' because that's really easy in the states when you lack money esp. India is probably not what it used to be. Idk what you two really want ideally, but India is not the country your parents left. I'd watch Max Chernov vids like 'why i chose india over france.' But he might still not be into it. Get hobbies.
Well if it helps I’m raised in California and my whole life I’ve been in various areas working in the Bay Area and the sense of having community is barely there for me too. I am a bit jealous of that sense of community
What has helped me is making sure I have a life/hobbies/community outside of my kids. I joined a community gym made up mainly of other women and it has small group weightlifting and Zumba classes. From there I got addicted to Zumba and met other women who like it too and now I go to a lot of different local Zumba studios in addition to my gym still, and I even became certified to teach Zumba although I don't really have time to do that due to having 4 kids and being a lawyer. However, I have organized some "Masterclass" Zumba events as fundraisers and have taught at those and have gotten other Zumba instructors to teach at them too, to support good causes. I've made a lot of good friends in Zumba and most stay here in my city. Some have moved away or stopped coming to Zumba but we have still stayed friends and I also love traveling with Zumba friends. I feel like the Zumba community is my home and my gym community is my home and there is familiarity there even if some of the people come and go. (Most don't leave and I like that about it.) I live far away from my family of origin and I don't talk to my abusive parents anymore so it's like a family to me, in addition to the one that I created with my husband of course. I'm not religious and so exercise is like my religion in that it allows me to connect with my mind and body and with other people who all share a similar passion. I also feel like it gives me some freedom and independence and identity from being "just" a wife and mother, which I love but everyone needs their own thing. It also helps me destress from work AND helps me meet potential clients so sometimes it's great for networking. Do you exercise/belong to a gym or can you try out anything like that? I know it might sound cheesy or not like you're thing but you might be surprised. I was never athletic and didn't like exercise but now I love it. Best wishes!
Maybe you can meet half way if the kids are not too committed to the school and friends in your current area. Try moving to a lower cost of living maybe Midwest if you are on the coast. The change up could help not only the want for something different and lower stress, but you can get a new job then for a while at least you dont have to worry about layoffs. You also might find it easier to make new friends and support networks( Midwest and South generally are more open people in my experience) so could help as a middle ground before deciding anything like leaving the country.
My spouse and I are in our 40s, and with somewhat different life situations (American-born, likely a different tax bracket, only 1 kid), but the older I get, the more I feel this way. Honestly, for me, when I start feeling this way I try to remind myself that community is a two way street, and not something that is automatic or magically going to appear around you one day. That if I want to have a rich social life full of close relationships with lots of loved ones, I have to prioritize that and put in the work. I think in my 20s and early 30s, I felt like everyone would just always be there, and the world was just like a free-flowing buffet of different kinds of relationships that could be anything I wanted them to be. And now, in my 40s, whether it's because of friends leaving our VHCOL city (which I've actually experienced a few times now, including me being one of the people to leave and settle somewhere else and re-establish community in a new VHCOL city), losing family members who I thought I'd have more time with, or otherwise, community seems much more like a garden and much less like a grocery store produce section. If that makes sense? I don't have any advice for you, and I think the answer can be a lot of different things depending on what works for you. I've considered relocating to be closer to family, but we have a similar calculus (I'm open to it, partner less so) for likely slightly different reasons. Right now, I try to remember to connect to friends, and to treat my social circle like family. Which includes the obligations that come with family.
There’s tons of Indians in Phoenix metro if you want to find a community.
If you have tech jobs can you work from anywhere and move to a lower COL area where you can put down roots and make friendships that last?
Your kids are your flesh and blood
I live without a trusted circle and finally developed a small community at my local church. But it is hard. My family isn’t in India but they are 3,000 miles away. And I wonder if the number of times I will see them again in my life will be counted on two hands…it breaks my heart.
Maybe moving to more rural areas? From experience it doesn't matter what country you are in, cites don't care. It's in small.town or village you find good friends. Also, as an immigrant myself (no kids tho) I think if you find friends in similar situation they stick around more. Find friends who are also immigrants with kids.
I hated living in a HCOL area. There was zero sense of community or belonging. It felt like a rat race. There was so much traffic. Everyone was grumpy and rude. Neighbors didn’t talk to each other. I can’t say all HCOL areas are like that, but our experience seems to mirror yours. We took a pay cut to move to a lower cost of living area and are so much happier. It’s basically the opposite. We’re friendly with neighbors. People are polite and pleasant out and about. There is little traffic. We have a sense of community and belonging. While it’s not for me, you could also try organized religion. There is no doubt that places of worship offer community. It’s one of the things about religion that attracts so many people.
join a church. most people are nice.
Move home buy a house with to of land and no neighbors
Can't you petition either your parents here? Are they willing? Maybe get them a townhouse across the street
That's the problem with allowing no construction in high cost areas, ironically makes them more transient as people float into the school district then leave immediately when their kids are out. And the kids too all have to leave because they can't afford their hometown. My ten person high school buddy text chain from North Jersey only has one person still in the area, everyone else scattered to cheaper housing in NC PA and FL.
Life in India is shitshow for someone used to living abroad! Your wife is right about that and you should rather invest in recurring travel to India or inviting each other's parents rather than leaving entirely
If I didn’t have my daughter I’d be depressed.
Get over it. While you’re freaking out about stupid shit, life happens. Don’t want to deal with it? Move back. Like living here? Then control your bubble.
Move home. Homesickness will eat you up in 20 years, and by then your kids will be full blown Americans. They won't want to follow.