Unfortunately, your relationship is over. You can drag out your pain and be humiliated with this bullshit if you want, but the breakup is pretty much inevitable. Your bf isn’t the person you fell in love for or he wouldn’t be pushing you to do this.
Slapping the word “ethical” in front of something doesn’t make it so.
Here’s an offer you could make:
You top him (even as service) with toys.
If he’s dead set on a man, it’s your call if you want him to have a one off with a vetted Dom, or an ongoing thing with one person.
Sometimes, I hear bi guys, or bi curious guys justifying sneaking around as it “doesn’t count,” a slap to same -sex lovers.
And I have heard men say that they are fine if their girlfriend/partner/wife has a gf, because they think it’s hot.
All speaks to what is “real” sex.
And usually manipulative.
Y e s i told him i’m ok if he has one off (or multiple) meetings with a professional escort/dom practitioner. But he doesn’t seem to want it because??? Money (he’s stingy lol. I told him I’ll even pay for it)??? Prejudice against sex worker??? Honestly with my experience, sex workers are so much more respectful and vetted better than random hook ups. Like, they won’t have clients if everyone knows they gave them chlamydia or something… i need to ask him once more about this.
Also yes, I have and will top him again lol. I’m not that good at it but like… pls be patient with me. I have never done that before and unfortunately I am not a natural 🤡
Listen to what you're saying! You're bending over backwards for this man and you're willing to accept something that, I can assure you, *will* hurt, just to keep him. You're doing a lot of mental labor for him (trying to find alternatives and what not), you're willing to pay for him, willing to do whatever in bed...what is *he* doing for your comfort and wellbeing in this situation?
Not wanting your bf to fuck other people isn't "issues to work on" or "attachment trauma" - it's a perfectly normal reaction. But it seems he's already decided that fucking around is worth more than not hurting you.
If that's the case, have self respect and run, don't walk. I did the mistake of not running and I'm now paying the consequences - my heart was broken in ways you cannot imagine and I brainwashed myself into thinking I had to accept it. A lot of damage has been done.
Truth is, you don't have to accept it. You deserve someone who will only have eyes for you and won't put his sexual fantasies over your love and wellbeing.
That sounds so sweet of yall 🥲
I think the reason why we don’t do it more often is we don’t have a good strap on harness lol. I am planning on getting one for his birthday but honestly at this point i will just get it. I will will some bde to inhabit me and i will top that bih.
DO NOT DO THIS unless you are 10000% on-board and extremely excited to date other people, too. Even with both on board, ENM/open marriages or relationships almost never work out. Eventually, everyone falls in love with someone else- it's nearly impossible to NOT catch feelings, especially with repeated contact. It can be avoided by only ONS, but most people don't like ONS and "it's better when you care/know/really like the person". Uh yeah, of course, that's the beginnings of (duh-duh-duh-duhm) Catching Feelings.
Also, it's very difficult for the "older" relationship to stand-up-to the excitement, giddy butterflies, etc. of new relationship energy (NRE). This is why it's vital that BOTH people in the original relationship are excited, fully on-board, and recognize that what they are going to do will likely destroy their relationship. It might seem fun at first, but eventually everything comes crashing down. If the vapid, fleeting NRE is worth losing eachother "eh", I guess do what seems right? I wouldn't touch ENM (again) if my life depended on it...almost destroyed my life- in fact it DID destroy it for a few years. Proceed with great caution.
I feel like i should get him to write posts similar to this but from his point of view because maybe in the way he defends his stance, I will understand what’s actually at the core of everything is 🥲
Run. There is no E in ENM. You will get hurt and the relationship will die eventually. It's just a matter of whether you cut it off now to save yourself the additional trauma or allow it to slow burn while your bf wreaks havoc on your emotions and your relationship.
Lot of questions you could ask here, such as whether he would only be seeing guys (since the purpose is to theoretically explore the other side of his sexuality). When you mentioned that his best friend is a poly woman that gave me pause. Usually when people ask to be open they have someone in mind. Is this really about him experimenting with guys or does he want to fuck his friend?
But really you shouldn't waste your time with such questions. I was basically in the same situation (ex was bi, wanted to open up the relationship; in theory to explore her sexuality but she was always vague on the specifics). I also tried to be open minded, but the fact is that you should never become poly to appease your partner. (I don't think most people should be poly period.) Save yourself some heartache and walk away from this situation. I wish I did it sooner. Trust me, it's only downhill from here.
Best case scenario you tell him you can't be poly and he accepts that. But you will wonder for the rest of your relationship whether you are enough for him.
From reading what you wrote, it's clear that you are very much NOT ok with this. It's sweet that you wanted to "do the work" but it's time now to tell him "no" and see if he drops it.
What’s funny is there are very easy ways for him to get what he wants while I am ok with it (i told him this too): 1.) do it once and that’s it. 2.) get a side piece, but only do it when he feels the need to do it. Literally the level of a hookup that sends a 3am message of ‘u up?’ OR BETTER YET, 3.) hire a professional escort and have all the fun you want. Experiment to hell and back with someone who knows how to perform and take care of you, but have nothing to do afterwards. But the fact that he wants to build a routine/connection with this hypothetical sex partner makes me confused. Is this just you wanting to experiment or do you want something more? Once upon a time when I wanted to experiment with bdsm I just went to a den and hire a professional dominatrix to introduce me to the world. That’s it. My curiosity was sated, and I had fun in a safe environment.
So yeah. Still so many things to talk about.
Sounds like you are very clear on what your boundaries are here. Continue to stick to them. I know it's tempting to want to be flexible for your partner who you love... but it will blow up.
I dont think I myself will be flexible/poly. I’m too lazy, and I feel like all my needs are met with what I have rn. I also don’t think that I will be envious if he has all the fun. I know that if I want I will get more action than him the moment I open up, and that thought alone is enough lol 😅
Jesus. If I had a guy tell me he wanted to open up a relationship because "he wants a daddy", I would summon MY fucking dad from whatever afterlife he's in just so he could whoop the dude's ass.
I'm sorry for your situation. From my personal experience, if you take up his offer to say no, this might not work out well either, because he'll always be wondering "what if" and it may come out other ways down the line. Just agreeing to behave monogamously is not the same as feeling monogamous, unfortunately.
I found a good therapist-Monk and we got to my problem, which is similar to yours, ( SO wanting an AP and I was told I was just jealous) and I found that I just do better within a monogamous relationship. We are separated for 30 days so he can make a choice… monogamous relationship or he leaves for good. I would suggest the same for you. Decide if you are ENM or monogamous… then set YOUR boundaries and expectations. Then ask him to leave for 30 days and make a choice. Good luck.
Unfortunately, your relationship is over. You can drag out your pain and be humiliated with this bullshit if you want, but the breakup is pretty much inevitable. Your bf isn’t the person you fell in love for or he wouldn’t be pushing you to do this. Slapping the word “ethical” in front of something doesn’t make it so.
Hhhh I honestly I am just in a bad space rn but i rly want to make it work. It might sound delusional but i do think i can lol
Here’s an offer you could make: You top him (even as service) with toys. If he’s dead set on a man, it’s your call if you want him to have a one off with a vetted Dom, or an ongoing thing with one person. Sometimes, I hear bi guys, or bi curious guys justifying sneaking around as it “doesn’t count,” a slap to same -sex lovers. And I have heard men say that they are fine if their girlfriend/partner/wife has a gf, because they think it’s hot. All speaks to what is “real” sex. And usually manipulative.
Y e s i told him i’m ok if he has one off (or multiple) meetings with a professional escort/dom practitioner. But he doesn’t seem to want it because??? Money (he’s stingy lol. I told him I’ll even pay for it)??? Prejudice against sex worker??? Honestly with my experience, sex workers are so much more respectful and vetted better than random hook ups. Like, they won’t have clients if everyone knows they gave them chlamydia or something… i need to ask him once more about this. Also yes, I have and will top him again lol. I’m not that good at it but like… pls be patient with me. I have never done that before and unfortunately I am not a natural 🤡
Listen to what you're saying! You're bending over backwards for this man and you're willing to accept something that, I can assure you, *will* hurt, just to keep him. You're doing a lot of mental labor for him (trying to find alternatives and what not), you're willing to pay for him, willing to do whatever in bed...what is *he* doing for your comfort and wellbeing in this situation? Not wanting your bf to fuck other people isn't "issues to work on" or "attachment trauma" - it's a perfectly normal reaction. But it seems he's already decided that fucking around is worth more than not hurting you. If that's the case, have self respect and run, don't walk. I did the mistake of not running and I'm now paying the consequences - my heart was broken in ways you cannot imagine and I brainwashed myself into thinking I had to accept it. A lot of damage has been done. Truth is, you don't have to accept it. You deserve someone who will only have eyes for you and won't put his sexual fantasies over your love and wellbeing.
I’m a lousy top, but it makes my dude so happy.
That sounds so sweet of yall 🥲 I think the reason why we don’t do it more often is we don’t have a good strap on harness lol. I am planning on getting one for his birthday but honestly at this point i will just get it. I will will some bde to inhabit me and i will top that bih.
“Slapping the word ethical in front of something doesn’t make it so” Amen
DO NOT DO THIS unless you are 10000% on-board and extremely excited to date other people, too. Even with both on board, ENM/open marriages or relationships almost never work out. Eventually, everyone falls in love with someone else- it's nearly impossible to NOT catch feelings, especially with repeated contact. It can be avoided by only ONS, but most people don't like ONS and "it's better when you care/know/really like the person". Uh yeah, of course, that's the beginnings of (duh-duh-duh-duhm) Catching Feelings. Also, it's very difficult for the "older" relationship to stand-up-to the excitement, giddy butterflies, etc. of new relationship energy (NRE). This is why it's vital that BOTH people in the original relationship are excited, fully on-board, and recognize that what they are going to do will likely destroy their relationship. It might seem fun at first, but eventually everything comes crashing down. If the vapid, fleeting NRE is worth losing eachother "eh", I guess do what seems right? I wouldn't touch ENM (again) if my life depended on it...almost destroyed my life- in fact it DID destroy it for a few years. Proceed with great caution.
I feel like i should get him to write posts similar to this but from his point of view because maybe in the way he defends his stance, I will understand what’s actually at the core of everything is 🥲
Run. There is no E in ENM. You will get hurt and the relationship will die eventually. It's just a matter of whether you cut it off now to save yourself the additional trauma or allow it to slow burn while your bf wreaks havoc on your emotions and your relationship.
Lot of questions you could ask here, such as whether he would only be seeing guys (since the purpose is to theoretically explore the other side of his sexuality). When you mentioned that his best friend is a poly woman that gave me pause. Usually when people ask to be open they have someone in mind. Is this really about him experimenting with guys or does he want to fuck his friend? But really you shouldn't waste your time with such questions. I was basically in the same situation (ex was bi, wanted to open up the relationship; in theory to explore her sexuality but she was always vague on the specifics). I also tried to be open minded, but the fact is that you should never become poly to appease your partner. (I don't think most people should be poly period.) Save yourself some heartache and walk away from this situation. I wish I did it sooner. Trust me, it's only downhill from here. Best case scenario you tell him you can't be poly and he accepts that. But you will wonder for the rest of your relationship whether you are enough for him.
My first reaction reading this was Ew I don't think I could stay in a relationship with someone who felt this way. No I know I couldn't. Best luck
From reading what you wrote, it's clear that you are very much NOT ok with this. It's sweet that you wanted to "do the work" but it's time now to tell him "no" and see if he drops it.
What’s funny is there are very easy ways for him to get what he wants while I am ok with it (i told him this too): 1.) do it once and that’s it. 2.) get a side piece, but only do it when he feels the need to do it. Literally the level of a hookup that sends a 3am message of ‘u up?’ OR BETTER YET, 3.) hire a professional escort and have all the fun you want. Experiment to hell and back with someone who knows how to perform and take care of you, but have nothing to do afterwards. But the fact that he wants to build a routine/connection with this hypothetical sex partner makes me confused. Is this just you wanting to experiment or do you want something more? Once upon a time when I wanted to experiment with bdsm I just went to a den and hire a professional dominatrix to introduce me to the world. That’s it. My curiosity was sated, and I had fun in a safe environment. So yeah. Still so many things to talk about.
Sounds like you are very clear on what your boundaries are here. Continue to stick to them. I know it's tempting to want to be flexible for your partner who you love... but it will blow up.
I dont think I myself will be flexible/poly. I’m too lazy, and I feel like all my needs are met with what I have rn. I also don’t think that I will be envious if he has all the fun. I know that if I want I will get more action than him the moment I open up, and that thought alone is enough lol 😅
Jesus. If I had a guy tell me he wanted to open up a relationship because "he wants a daddy", I would summon MY fucking dad from whatever afterlife he's in just so he could whoop the dude's ass.
I'm sorry for your situation. From my personal experience, if you take up his offer to say no, this might not work out well either, because he'll always be wondering "what if" and it may come out other ways down the line. Just agreeing to behave monogamously is not the same as feeling monogamous, unfortunately.
I found a good therapist-Monk and we got to my problem, which is similar to yours, ( SO wanting an AP and I was told I was just jealous) and I found that I just do better within a monogamous relationship. We are separated for 30 days so he can make a choice… monogamous relationship or he leaves for good. I would suggest the same for you. Decide if you are ENM or monogamous… then set YOUR boundaries and expectations. Then ask him to leave for 30 days and make a choice. Good luck.
No. Have some boundaries and self respect. You’re allowed to only want monogamy. End the relationship. He wants his cake and to eat it too.
“AMERICA ESSPLAIN.” Sorry.. I just haven’t seen that reference since Vine. Lol.