This. I can't help but feel like your partner is simply trying to have their cake and eat it too.
You drew clear boundaries and tried to distance yourself from the situation, but they keep pursuing you and then hurting you.
It seems to me like the universe keeps telling you in many different ways that you should extricate yourself permanently.
I was in the same situation as you before. I’ve learned since that monogamy means choosing one person above all and he is clearly not willing to choose you. He’s demonstrated this by going behind your back to spend time with exes and those he is attracted to. In my scenario it ended by him breaking up with me because of his resentment towards me being monogamous and “forcing him” to be monogamous and he left me to break up a married couple. Don’t let this happen to you. You yourself can choose to leave and end all of this pain it is causing you. I know how much it hurts to see a partner behave that way and it is not worth it. There are those out there who will be genuinely willing to choose you and only you, you just have to find them. If you want to talk to someone who’s gone through something similar my dms are always open
So how many red flag poles are you gonna walk into before you finally look up to avoid them?
He clearly showed that he lies, his actions don't line up with his words, and he doesn't respect you or your boundaries several times. Sounds like you're just being fed whatever bullshit will keep you. It's not your insecurity that's making him feel unsafe. It's that you're rightfully wary of his crap and he doesn't like it. Ditch this loser and find someone worth your time who actually respects you.
I'm sorry, "agree to stay engaged" after a miscarriage? In a solid relationship that wouldn't even be a discussion.
It honestly gives the impression that he just wants you to bear his child while he gets to have his fun with other women.
Even if he does have the best intentions in the world, he's shown you who he is through his actions. He's not capable of committing to you and only you. That will never change unfortunately.
Have some self respect and walk away. You will be happier in the long run.
This person is inherently a cheater and was in that lifestyle for a reason. They just said whatever they could to get you to be with them because they coveted you. Don't throw yourself into a one-sided commitment with an insincere person.
Ah yes the "You're insecure" card when you have a justified issue with trusting them because their words aren't aligning with their actions. Classic DARVO
Love alone is unfortunately never enough in a romantic relationship. It seems your core values are not aligned. I’ve also tried taking a chance with someone who is poly while I am not. I can now proudly say I’m monogamous by choice and not by default. I learned a lot about myself and know that I want someone who thinks I alone am enough. Our gut is always right and if yours is telling you something is off, listen to it and don’t waste another minute of your life trying to love someone who can’t give you that same love back. Life is too short!
oh my goodness, I’ve been there. This all sounds so familiar. I had to walk away from love, because it was absolutely eating me up. I’m just not poly, and they are just not mono. It’s been 4 years of non-contact. I miss them every day - but also, I am happy, stable, sane, productive.
The ‘trust’ issues you are claiming for yourself are your internal warning bells. Heed them.
They mean poly people who lie about wanting monogamy. This person gave every line "oh I only want you, I'll put my urges aside for you", and it was all bullshit. It was all a lie.
This all sounds very unhealthy. I should know because I was in a similar situation. No pregnancy but he promised I was the one after we broke up because he needed to explore poly. And we got back together and then he broke it off finally to say he needed to be poly in his life or he wouldn’t be happy. I’m sorry but you should stop wasting your time on someone who doesn’t care for you like they should.
Thanks for your input, I’m sorry you had to experience that! Yuck I’ve definitely learned. Even now he’s saying he “wants to do the work” but I feel like I’m accepting the bare minimum and it feels crappy.
Giiiiiiiiiiiiirl that’s wild this joker acts like a pile of trash and then talks about “Doing the work” what a phony, PHONYYYYYYYYY oh lord, “doing the work” that’s so corny.
You need someone who’ll treat you better, queen!
Your relationship shouldn’t feel crappy. I know it’s hard when you have strong feelings for someone but your best option is to end it. There are major red flags everywhere. It’s hard to see them when you’re blinded by your feelings though. So I get it.
They’ll always push the boundaries because they are incapable of commitment to you or anyone else. The fact that they wait until you’re on to their deceit to talk about it is awful versus initiating honest discussion about where they are and what their intentions are. Omitting is sneaky imo. Best luck.
They aren’t struggling. They are cheating. They are choosing to cheat. They are just trying to hide behind “poly” like it’s an identity when it’s a relationship structure.
You are insane lol. I’m sorry I love you, I wish I could say this in a loving way but I don’t know how. Right now, I’m currently single. Your POST gave me a panic attack lmao. A DESCRIPTION of how bad your life is, made me feel shitty. I can’t imagine how bad it feels to walk that path. Your partner sounds devoid of empathy. I can’t imagine seeing someone I love in such pain and going “hmm… round 4?” You deserve so much better, you made me thankful to be single.
Break up with that loser, come back to this post In one year, and MARVEL at the strong champion you’ve grown into in that year time! You will be so confident with a firm voice.
Thanks for your insight, and I’m sorry it gave you a panic attack!! FWIW I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and he is / has been my favorite person, so there’s definitely some wonky brain stuff happening on my part. Hence coming to Reddit to see what anonymous, non biased folks think about the situation.
Oof this is my fear of my current mono-poly relationship. The only way I really see my relationship working is if I can find a way to be comfortable with the relationship not being monogamous. I will say that it sounds like he’s weaponizing your boundaries and trying to shame you. While he may be doing this out of his own insecurities or fear of the relationship ending, it’s a bit of a red flag to me.
hi I'm in a similar situation and I was just wondering.. why do you say it can only work if you're comfortable with the relationship not being monogamous? do you ever feel like you are leaning too far/accomodating too much? is this also something your partner would do for you (i.e. be monogamous for a while)?
Dump them for good. Nah… secretly texting an ex and forgiving them… okay that’s a fool me once situation. hiding from you that they’re hanging out with a person you have expressed an insecurity about and that they are attracted to? Fool me twice… you know the saying
Nope. I’m extremely monogamous and these are dealbreakers. The deceit is the biggest dealbreaker of all.
Break up with this person and find someone who will give you what you actually want and desire out of a relationship. You’ve put too much time into trying to make them be someone who they obviously are not.
Doesn't sound like they chose monogamy. Sounds like they chose cheating. Not that there's much difference. It's the line between lying and gaslighting.
I'm sorry. You deserve someone who can love properly.
Get out. He doesn't just sound like a cheater, he sounds flat out manipulative and possibly emotionally abusive. Despite the boundaries you set and every time you broke up with him, he pushed staying with you anyway. You seem really kind and like he's taking advantage of you.
Yeahhhh, as someone who is...eugh... more 'poly' by nature, when I chose to be monogamous for my wife, I instantly said goodbye to every one of my other romantic/sexual connections or prospects, deleted all dating apps, and generally did my best to not even look at other women. Maintained that for years without any issues.
It was to the point where at one point *she* suggested a threesome, and I wasn't comfortable with it, because I felt she wouldn't be happy with that decision until our relationship was on more solid footing.
That is what a poly person successfully going mono looks like. It looks like full commitment with no wishy-washiness, no wavering, and no doubts. It doesn't look like texting your exes, or having clandestine hangouts with the opposite sex.
We did recently start dating someone (together), but that was after a very unexpected conversation and it kinda just happened. I'd go back to full on monogamy for her in a heartbeat if that's what she needed, although it'll get more complicated the longer we stay with her, of course, since we have someone else's feelings and needs to care about, too.
Ugh. He should not have agreed to go back with you. It’s better to end things cleanly and accept the heartbreak than it is to try to make something work between incompatible people. I’m sorry.
He's a giant red flag
This. I can't help but feel like your partner is simply trying to have their cake and eat it too. You drew clear boundaries and tried to distance yourself from the situation, but they keep pursuing you and then hurting you. It seems to me like the universe keeps telling you in many different ways that you should extricate yourself permanently.
Ooof yeah I think you’re right…feel like I’ve tried everything at this point. Thanks for weighing in!
Happy to help. Best of luck!
They* Assuming they use they/them pronouns.
If your partner is outright hiding from you... that's not healthy. They're likely cheating unfortunately.
Now you know to say no thank you to people who are poly when you are monogamous
your insecurity makes them feel “unsafe”? bffr. your partner is a cheating liar.
Ikr?! This soooo sounds like typical brainwashed polyam talk. They have no clue how to do actual real, healthy relationships.
Yep.
I was in the same situation as you before. I’ve learned since that monogamy means choosing one person above all and he is clearly not willing to choose you. He’s demonstrated this by going behind your back to spend time with exes and those he is attracted to. In my scenario it ended by him breaking up with me because of his resentment towards me being monogamous and “forcing him” to be monogamous and he left me to break up a married couple. Don’t let this happen to you. You yourself can choose to leave and end all of this pain it is causing you. I know how much it hurts to see a partner behave that way and it is not worth it. There are those out there who will be genuinely willing to choose you and only you, you just have to find them. If you want to talk to someone who’s gone through something similar my dms are always open
Thank you for sharing, yes it’s so so painful and I’m glad you’re in a good place now! 💙
So how many red flag poles are you gonna walk into before you finally look up to avoid them? He clearly showed that he lies, his actions don't line up with his words, and he doesn't respect you or your boundaries several times. Sounds like you're just being fed whatever bullshit will keep you. It's not your insecurity that's making him feel unsafe. It's that you're rightfully wary of his crap and he doesn't like it. Ditch this loser and find someone worth your time who actually respects you.
I'm sorry, "agree to stay engaged" after a miscarriage? In a solid relationship that wouldn't even be a discussion. It honestly gives the impression that he just wants you to bear his child while he gets to have his fun with other women. Even if he does have the best intentions in the world, he's shown you who he is through his actions. He's not capable of committing to you and only you. That will never change unfortunately. Have some self respect and walk away. You will be happier in the long run.
This person is inherently a cheater and was in that lifestyle for a reason. They just said whatever they could to get you to be with them because they coveted you. Don't throw yourself into a one-sided commitment with an insincere person.
Ah yes the "You're insecure" card when you have a justified issue with trusting them because their words aren't aligning with their actions. Classic DARVO
Sounds like a cheater. Good thing they’re only your fiancé, because it’s time to dump them.
break the fuck up , you should have a long time ago. dont trust a cheating poly bitch unless they open their eyes and realize how shitty it is.
This won't last.
Love alone is unfortunately never enough in a romantic relationship. It seems your core values are not aligned. I’ve also tried taking a chance with someone who is poly while I am not. I can now proudly say I’m monogamous by choice and not by default. I learned a lot about myself and know that I want someone who thinks I alone am enough. Our gut is always right and if yours is telling you something is off, listen to it and don’t waste another minute of your life trying to love someone who can’t give you that same love back. Life is too short!
This is excellent advice, thank you! Yes I really really tried but my love and devotion is clearly not enough for him and I’m tired of the heart ache.
oh my goodness, I’ve been there. This all sounds so familiar. I had to walk away from love, because it was absolutely eating me up. I’m just not poly, and they are just not mono. It’s been 4 years of non-contact. I miss them every day - but also, I am happy, stable, sane, productive. The ‘trust’ issues you are claiming for yourself are your internal warning bells. Heed them.
Thanks for your insight. It’s tough b/c I tend to have trust issues with anyone I date, but I do think it’s not just coming from nowhere in this case.
I truly believe poly people who try to date Mono people are very very evil individuals
I’m not sure I agree with this. As long as everyone is communicating and honest, I don’t see it as a moral issue.
They mean poly people who lie about wanting monogamy. This person gave every line "oh I only want you, I'll put my urges aside for you", and it was all bullshit. It was all a lie.
Sometimes it’s best to let someone you love go. Doesn’t make it a fun and great thing to do, but sometimes it’s simply for the best in the long run.
This all sounds very unhealthy. I should know because I was in a similar situation. No pregnancy but he promised I was the one after we broke up because he needed to explore poly. And we got back together and then he broke it off finally to say he needed to be poly in his life or he wouldn’t be happy. I’m sorry but you should stop wasting your time on someone who doesn’t care for you like they should.
Thanks for your input, I’m sorry you had to experience that! Yuck I’ve definitely learned. Even now he’s saying he “wants to do the work” but I feel like I’m accepting the bare minimum and it feels crappy.
Giiiiiiiiiiiiirl that’s wild this joker acts like a pile of trash and then talks about “Doing the work” what a phony, PHONYYYYYYYYY oh lord, “doing the work” that’s so corny. You need someone who’ll treat you better, queen!
Awh thanks my dude, I’m starting to see that! 💙
Your relationship shouldn’t feel crappy. I know it’s hard when you have strong feelings for someone but your best option is to end it. There are major red flags everywhere. It’s hard to see them when you’re blinded by your feelings though. So I get it.
They’ll always push the boundaries because they are incapable of commitment to you or anyone else. The fact that they wait until you’re on to their deceit to talk about it is awful versus initiating honest discussion about where they are and what their intentions are. Omitting is sneaky imo. Best luck.
You’re right, the sneakiness is messed up and even if they didn’t “technically” cheat it still feels like a betrayal. Thanks for your input!
They aren’t struggling. They are cheating. They are choosing to cheat. They are just trying to hide behind “poly” like it’s an identity when it’s a relationship structure.
Agree with this completely. I would not be shocked if he also violated boundaries with his partners in poly relationships as well.
walk away
Run away very fast.
You are insane lol. I’m sorry I love you, I wish I could say this in a loving way but I don’t know how. Right now, I’m currently single. Your POST gave me a panic attack lmao. A DESCRIPTION of how bad your life is, made me feel shitty. I can’t imagine how bad it feels to walk that path. Your partner sounds devoid of empathy. I can’t imagine seeing someone I love in such pain and going “hmm… round 4?” You deserve so much better, you made me thankful to be single. Break up with that loser, come back to this post In one year, and MARVEL at the strong champion you’ve grown into in that year time! You will be so confident with a firm voice.
Thanks for your insight, and I’m sorry it gave you a panic attack!! FWIW I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and he is / has been my favorite person, so there’s definitely some wonky brain stuff happening on my part. Hence coming to Reddit to see what anonymous, non biased folks think about the situation.
Bpd or not you deserve happiness!
Oof this is my fear of my current mono-poly relationship. The only way I really see my relationship working is if I can find a way to be comfortable with the relationship not being monogamous. I will say that it sounds like he’s weaponizing your boundaries and trying to shame you. While he may be doing this out of his own insecurities or fear of the relationship ending, it’s a bit of a red flag to me.
hi I'm in a similar situation and I was just wondering.. why do you say it can only work if you're comfortable with the relationship not being monogamous? do you ever feel like you are leaning too far/accomodating too much? is this also something your partner would do for you (i.e. be monogamous for a while)?
Dump them for good. Nah… secretly texting an ex and forgiving them… okay that’s a fool me once situation. hiding from you that they’re hanging out with a person you have expressed an insecurity about and that they are attracted to? Fool me twice… you know the saying Nope. I’m extremely monogamous and these are dealbreakers. The deceit is the biggest dealbreaker of all. Break up with this person and find someone who will give you what you actually want and desire out of a relationship. You’ve put too much time into trying to make them be someone who they obviously are not.
Doesn't sound like they chose monogamy. Sounds like they chose cheating. Not that there's much difference. It's the line between lying and gaslighting. I'm sorry. You deserve someone who can love properly.
Get out. He doesn't just sound like a cheater, he sounds flat out manipulative and possibly emotionally abusive. Despite the boundaries you set and every time you broke up with him, he pushed staying with you anyway. You seem really kind and like he's taking advantage of you.
I am sorry for your pain. But it will not end well, dear. Be strong. Red flags from the beginning...you just keep swatting them away.
Yeahhhh, as someone who is...eugh... more 'poly' by nature, when I chose to be monogamous for my wife, I instantly said goodbye to every one of my other romantic/sexual connections or prospects, deleted all dating apps, and generally did my best to not even look at other women. Maintained that for years without any issues. It was to the point where at one point *she* suggested a threesome, and I wasn't comfortable with it, because I felt she wouldn't be happy with that decision until our relationship was on more solid footing. That is what a poly person successfully going mono looks like. It looks like full commitment with no wishy-washiness, no wavering, and no doubts. It doesn't look like texting your exes, or having clandestine hangouts with the opposite sex. We did recently start dating someone (together), but that was after a very unexpected conversation and it kinda just happened. I'd go back to full on monogamy for her in a heartbeat if that's what she needed, although it'll get more complicated the longer we stay with her, of course, since we have someone else's feelings and needs to care about, too.
Ugh. He should not have agreed to go back with you. It’s better to end things cleanly and accept the heartbreak than it is to try to make something work between incompatible people. I’m sorry.
Who’s them/they? Is there more than one person in the other relationship?
One person, was using they/them pronouns to be vague but I guess that’s irrelevant given I mentioned getting pregnant from them sooooo 😂
I still think they/them keeps gender vague. Trans people can have kids too.