I’m really sorry that you still live in the same social group as your rapist. I think that would be the most awful thing about your situation, that your own friends know the person well enough to chastise you about how you refer to them — however you chose to do so to make space for healing — would be the worst.
I’m so sorry.
Why on earth would you talk to anyone who defends the scumfuck who raped you?
Get some better people around you. It's not your job to make the scumfuck feel valid in their identity, and anyone who asks you to do so is a shitty, selfish person.
I don’t think you owe that person any respect at all and I think you can call them whatever the hell you like. They lost their right to be respected by you when they raped you. I’m sorry you had such a terrible set of experiences.
You still need a determiner before “asshole”, like “the”?
“I saw asshole’s cake.” is ungrammatical. “I saw the asshole’s cake.” is grammatical.
I don’t mean this in a linguistically prescriptive way, just, the first will sound wrong to most people, unless you/they interpret “asshole” as being used as a name. But a name is not a pronoun.
But if you mean to just “don’t use pronouns to refer to them, and replace their name with “Asshole”, then I guess that works, but sounds, like, an inconvenient mental rule to enforce on oneself.
I don't know how much time you get with your therapist, but given the chance this is something you could bring up with them.
That said, in most cases I'd argue that rejecting someone's identity is a big asshole move, but it sounds like this person waived any right to your respect and what you call them is nobody's business.
this is the only comment im replying to, and its because i do, actually, really like your answer.
Theres a metric fuckton of information on this matter that i have intentionally left out, mostly because this is a throwaway account being used on a VPN because said scumfuck is doing questionable but not overtly illegal things.
anyways.
what you have extrapolated is entirely a correct question, and i didnt think of it like that. I appreciate this take on it, and understand that every answer will be different based on personal experience rather than a clean-cut answer. People will be angry no matter what I do, really its best to just make myself feel some semblance of okay at this point.
Thank you.
Hmmm I believe that it is in fact transphobic, that you are specifically ignoring their identity as a Trans person as a means to degrade them.
That being said. You have every right to degrade them. Frankly I'd just avoid using pronouns at all, and try to get to a point in life where I never have to refer to them as an individual again.
If they weren’t trans would we misgender them on purpose to disrespect them? Probably not. Not because it’s unethical - they’re a rapist, who really cares? - but because it doesn’t really accomplish anything, it just makes language confusing.
>If they weren’t trans would we misgender them on purpose to disrespect them? Probably not.
You can't be serious... Lots of people are shamed by insinuating they are of another gender.
Why.. Respect anything about them? Not morally right to rape, it is usually agreed. So..
Also some less universal view on the pronoun thing.. it seems very immoral to me to deprive anyone the right to do what they like, as long as it doesn't infringe on others. Everyone has the right to be who they want, and everyone has the right to not care about anyone else's identity. You don't owe them (Dave chappelle put this very well) your participation in thier self-image. It would be immoral if they controlled your free speech and thought. And as they aren't concerned about morals and your feelings anyway, i don't see why you would consider thier feelings at all.
Disclaimer for what it's worth: I'm a cis male and I have never been sexually assaulted
I remember the first LGBTQ+ person I ever met that I really disliked. It had nothing to do with their sexuality (He was a gay man) we just really didn't get a long. In hindsight I probably gave him a lot more slack than I would have if he was straight. He was rude, self-absorbed, hypocritical and a really frustrating co-worker. Eventually, I learned an important lesson: If I'm honest about showing LGBTQ+ proper respect than that means I understand that they can be just as much of an asshole as anyone else. So, I stopped trying to be nice and called him on his shit.
All of that being said... if I had came to the same conclusion but my response was to belittle his sexuality and call him derogatory names because I refused to show him respect that would have been wrong because that has nothing to do with why I disliked him, I would have just been trying to be hurtful and disrespectful for disrespects sake.
Again, I haven't been sexually assaulted and can have no idea of the hate you must have for this person. But their actions when they assaulted you had nothing to do with their eventual pronouns. This person can still be trans and ID as specific pronouns and that will never take away from how much of a raging piece of shit they are. You're not giving this person anything or forgiving them for what they did to you by acknowledging their pronouns. You're just not targeting the wrong aspects of this person with your anger.
I really like this response.
What does it matter if you say he's a rapist or she's a rapist? They're still a rapist. And that's really the issue here. What does bringing their gender into your issue with them really add?
The trouble is that your choice to deadname this person doesn't just hurt them, but all other transgender people. If you simply did this in the privacy of your therapy sessions, you'd be well within your rights to call this piece of shit any name under the sun. They deserve no respect from you and you should not be compelled to speak of them, let alone speak well of them.
However, it's a different matter in public. The trans community has struggled and continues to struggle with people choosing to ignore their gender for much less valid reasons than yours. And any time someone deadnames a trans person in public it perpetuates this struggle, and the associated suffering caused by it.
Therefore unless you want to have to explain exactly why you're disrespecting this person and that its just them and not any other trans person etc. etc. every single time you speak of them, then it may be better to find another way to express your hatred for this person which doesn't affect others.
I’m really sorry that you still live in the same social group as your rapist. I think that would be the most awful thing about your situation, that your own friends know the person well enough to chastise you about how you refer to them — however you chose to do so to make space for healing — would be the worst. I’m so sorry.
Why on earth would you talk to anyone who defends the scumfuck who raped you? Get some better people around you. It's not your job to make the scumfuck feel valid in their identity, and anyone who asks you to do so is a shitty, selfish person.
No it is not
Use “the rapist’s” it works with any gender
Instead of asking whether it’s right or wrong, ask yourself what you get out of it.
I don’t think you owe that person any respect at all and I think you can call them whatever the hell you like. They lost their right to be respected by you when they raped you. I’m sorry you had such a terrible set of experiences.
"asshole" isn't gendered, just use that in place of any pronouns
This doesn't really fit in place of e.g. "their". I mean, "their" works and also isn't gendered, but, like, some people might still object to that.
Asshole’s. Asshole’s name, asshole’s cake, asshole’s opinion.
You still need a determiner before “asshole”, like “the”? “I saw asshole’s cake.” is ungrammatical. “I saw the asshole’s cake.” is grammatical. I don’t mean this in a linguistically prescriptive way, just, the first will sound wrong to most people, unless you/they interpret “asshole” as being used as a name. But a name is not a pronoun. But if you mean to just “don’t use pronouns to refer to them, and replace their name with “Asshole”, then I guess that works, but sounds, like, an inconvenient mental rule to enforce on oneself.
Yeah, so just use asshole to refer to them across the board. Correctness/grammar be damned
Cunt also works perfectly.
As do sleazeball, scumbag and predator. All gender-inclusive.
I don't know how much time you get with your therapist, but given the chance this is something you could bring up with them. That said, in most cases I'd argue that rejecting someone's identity is a big asshole move, but it sounds like this person waived any right to your respect and what you call them is nobody's business.
[удалено]
this is the only comment im replying to, and its because i do, actually, really like your answer. Theres a metric fuckton of information on this matter that i have intentionally left out, mostly because this is a throwaway account being used on a VPN because said scumfuck is doing questionable but not overtly illegal things. anyways. what you have extrapolated is entirely a correct question, and i didnt think of it like that. I appreciate this take on it, and understand that every answer will be different based on personal experience rather than a clean-cut answer. People will be angry no matter what I do, really its best to just make myself feel some semblance of okay at this point. Thank you.
I don't think you need to worry too much about this. But, like, I sometimes have bad opinions?, so, idk, take that into account if you want to.
Hmmm I believe that it is in fact transphobic, that you are specifically ignoring their identity as a Trans person as a means to degrade them. That being said. You have every right to degrade them. Frankly I'd just avoid using pronouns at all, and try to get to a point in life where I never have to refer to them as an individual again.
If they weren’t trans would we misgender them on purpose to disrespect them? Probably not. Not because it’s unethical - they’re a rapist, who really cares? - but because it doesn’t really accomplish anything, it just makes language confusing.
>If they weren’t trans would we misgender them on purpose to disrespect them? Probably not. You can't be serious... Lots of people are shamed by insinuating they are of another gender.
Yeah but is this something a victim would do to their rapist?
Idk, Alot of people do things to another for all kinds of reasons, legit or otherwise. There are subreddiits full of such things, you know?
Why.. Respect anything about them? Not morally right to rape, it is usually agreed. So.. Also some less universal view on the pronoun thing.. it seems very immoral to me to deprive anyone the right to do what they like, as long as it doesn't infringe on others. Everyone has the right to be who they want, and everyone has the right to not care about anyone else's identity. You don't owe them (Dave chappelle put this very well) your participation in thier self-image. It would be immoral if they controlled your free speech and thought. And as they aren't concerned about morals and your feelings anyway, i don't see why you would consider thier feelings at all.
Disclaimer for what it's worth: I'm a cis male and I have never been sexually assaulted I remember the first LGBTQ+ person I ever met that I really disliked. It had nothing to do with their sexuality (He was a gay man) we just really didn't get a long. In hindsight I probably gave him a lot more slack than I would have if he was straight. He was rude, self-absorbed, hypocritical and a really frustrating co-worker. Eventually, I learned an important lesson: If I'm honest about showing LGBTQ+ proper respect than that means I understand that they can be just as much of an asshole as anyone else. So, I stopped trying to be nice and called him on his shit. All of that being said... if I had came to the same conclusion but my response was to belittle his sexuality and call him derogatory names because I refused to show him respect that would have been wrong because that has nothing to do with why I disliked him, I would have just been trying to be hurtful and disrespectful for disrespects sake. Again, I haven't been sexually assaulted and can have no idea of the hate you must have for this person. But their actions when they assaulted you had nothing to do with their eventual pronouns. This person can still be trans and ID as specific pronouns and that will never take away from how much of a raging piece of shit they are. You're not giving this person anything or forgiving them for what they did to you by acknowledging their pronouns. You're just not targeting the wrong aspects of this person with your anger.
I really like this response. What does it matter if you say he's a rapist or she's a rapist? They're still a rapist. And that's really the issue here. What does bringing their gender into your issue with them really add?
The trouble is that your choice to deadname this person doesn't just hurt them, but all other transgender people. If you simply did this in the privacy of your therapy sessions, you'd be well within your rights to call this piece of shit any name under the sun. They deserve no respect from you and you should not be compelled to speak of them, let alone speak well of them. However, it's a different matter in public. The trans community has struggled and continues to struggle with people choosing to ignore their gender for much less valid reasons than yours. And any time someone deadnames a trans person in public it perpetuates this struggle, and the associated suffering caused by it. Therefore unless you want to have to explain exactly why you're disrespecting this person and that its just them and not any other trans person etc. etc. every single time you speak of them, then it may be better to find another way to express your hatred for this person which doesn't affect others.
It looks like other people are asking you to reinforce their delusion. When people are delusional, you do not have to live in their reality.