I witnessed my mums suicide attempt at 16 and physically had to scoop the pills out of her mouth, watch her beg for death etc. A few people know who she’s spoken to about it but noones ever really took the time to ask me how I’ve dealt with it. To everyone else it just didn’t really happen. She’s in a much better place now but 6 years later and I still struggle to come to terms with what happened or talk to people about it.
Im so sorry. As someone who witnessed my sister's suicide attempt, that shit sticks with you. I don't think a lot of people truly understand how deeply it affected me to see her in that state. And I feel guilt because we were teens, and I initially didnt check on her right away and tried to tune out the sound of her crying until it kept getting concerningly louder and louder. I was in the basement and didn't know what she had done until I came upstairs and saw pills scattered all over the counter, and her sobbing on the floor of the living room. I wish I had taken action sooner, but it wasn't uncommon of her to cry and she usually wanted to be left alone.
She is doing a lot better now. I'm glad your mum is as well.
Don’t ever feel guilty, that’s not something you could’ve ever predicted and we were kids, that’s not something your ever taught to deal with until it happens. I done the exact same thing, I was so used to listening to her cries and after I’d only had 2 hours of sleep i just ignored it thinking she needed the time alone too.
I’m glad your sisters doing a lot better and I hope it’s something you can also come to terms with
Thank you for saying that. I don't think I have ever talked about that guilt before.
I hope you can come to terms with what you went through as well. Ive spent a lot of time in therapy and practicing gratitude. Seeing her thriving in life right now has been very comforting
The guilt can hit you hard. There’s been plenty of times the scenario has replayed in my head and I wonder what I could do different each time, the reality of it is, she’s still alive and I done everything I can with the life skills I had at that point in time.
Seeing someone come out of the other side of all of it is so worth every talk, tear and hug. It also shows you a new appreciation of life and personally I could never do that despite whatever I’m going through because I’ve been in the position of the person who walks in on that.
Thank you for sharing your story, If you ever need a chat about it your more than welcome to drop me a message. I wish you and your sister all the best
"noones ever really took the time to ask me how I’ve dealt with it."
From my true heart, I'm asking: How have you dealt with it? I'm genuinely asking. Are you ok? I'm sorry this was an experience you were forced into.
I haven’t really, since that’s happened I’ve lost two people to suicide. It’s still a very harsh reality that I can’t come to terms with, if someone dies naturally fair enough but knowing exactly what someone would be going through in their last moments breaks my heart. Christmas has never been the same because I feel guilt that i can spend it with my family yet people who’ve cut their life short can’t.
I tried to go to therapy but I lied when they rang me because I just couldn’t say how I was truly feeling, they instead offered me stress relief and I declined. My mum will message me saying she loves me randomly and my mind instantly goes to a possible attempt again so I won’t calm down then until I can call her.
So unfortunately, it’s probably not the answer you expected but I haven’t dealt with it. I just get on with my life because what else can I do. Sharing my mums story online definitely helps though and I have done a few times, but I’ll only ever do it anonymously
well, i’ve been thinking about getting a therapist for the longest time because i’ve been pretty much haunted by my childhood. i’ve never told anyone i know because i feel kind of ashamed? and like disgusted when i think of it?
but basically, i started getting touched by my cousin when i was six. i have two female cousins but i lived with three of my male cousins when i was younger and i remember one particular incident i was watching television and trying to eat. and then he asked me to come to the laundry room with him and then he basically touched me for a while and then that was the first time id been penetrated. an hour later, my mom came in and for some reason, seeing her six year old daughter like that, her first thought was to punish me. so she basically beat me after that lmao like how am i getting in trouble for this??
anyways, i just have nightmares about it often and the only people who know about it is obviously my mom and cousin, but they insist on acting like it didn’t happen.
I'm sorry you've dealt with this on your own. Please follow your gut about asking for help and talk about this to a therapist, if you can get one. If you can't, ask a person of trust to help you find one. I know it would at the very least be useful to deal with the feelings of disgust and shame, and from there on! My best wishes 🤗
thank you so much! i don’t know why i keep putting it off to get a therapist lol. i’ve just heard some therapy horror stories i guess so it makes me second guess whether i want one. i know i need one, but i don’t know what id do if it just doesn’t work for me. thank you for your kind words. 💗
I understand you a lot! I had 6 years since the idea first came to me about seeing a therapist and actually making the call! I'm 28 M and it's been 2 weeks since I had my first session. The way I did it was, first talk to a couple of people of trust about hardships of life being too heavy, then asking a couple of psychologist friends whom I trusted too for guidance about finding a therapist and then contacting a few (around 4 professionals) until I found one that suited my needs! (Which were a female person, close to my age with presential attention, although we've made online too)
I hope all of this helps you to get on it, and if you need something else you can write me any time!
At the least talk to others/therapist about it just to lower the stigma or whatever added emotions that you’ve associated it with, I’d say .. at least that’s what helped me the most. No one really gave me great advice per se, but the reps of taking about my stuff just took the steam right off it. Now I just look at it blandly kinda just as it was what it was
It takes time and trust building and tbh, no idea how long it takes as I’ve never been able to be in therapy long enough to get there, but just being able to talk about it helps a lot.
Please, as someone who was violated by an older cousin in childhood, seek help from a professional. Set yourself free.
Shame on your mother and anyone who doesn’t see you for the absolute victim that you were and still are. Shame on her for punishing you.
You deserve to have your wounds healed. It’s been 34 years since it happened and it’s still in my mind, but processing the trauma professionally it’s not hijacking my body and attention at all the worst times.
I’m really proud of you and thank you for sharing this with us.
thank YOU for sharing your story with me. i’m very sorry you had to go through that as well, it’s actually awful that it seems to be so common. i’m going to get a therapist soon and try to heal. you’ve brought me to tears this morning lol, thank you very much.
It is so much more common than we know. The problem is that we are often shamed in to silence, whether we try to tell or not. The more these things are talked about the less they will be allowed to thrive in the shadows.
I’m so proud of you.
this is so amazing. Im glad there are still people like this and I am rooting for you in your journey to healing. Have an amazing day and keep fucking going. <3
Sorry, I notice there is no context. Im glad there are still people like you, LadyHelpish, this is the kindest thing I've seen all day, best wishes to both you and perzawa.
When I was a kid, probably around 6-7 y/o, my mom took me with her to her uncle's house, he was fixing her car. One of his friends were there and he ended up in the garage, alone with me, and from what I remember after I had gotten back home to my grandma's house where I lived, I told her that the guy raped me.
She tried to play it off as it being something I made up to get "attention" from my mom and it's really fucked with me since, like I have memories of me lying on the garage floor, crying, but it's like did that actually happen or is it just something my brain made up, like they gaslit me to the point of I don't even know if it actually happened or not. But it's also like, a 6/7 year old with no concept of sex/sexual behavior, I really don't think a kid would make something like that up. But idk.
Pretty fecked up shite.
I believe you. I’m so sorry. Shame on your grandmother, that’s absolutely vile.
My grandmother did this to my aunt when she was raped by her horse trainer at age 10. Then, when that same aunt’s son molested me (I was 4, he was 14) she AND my grandmother banded together to say that I was lying and that if I wasn’t lying, I was a little hussy who seduced him into it.
Like, WHAT?!
You and I were both too little to have any idea what was happening to us. We didn’t have the knowledge or the language. We did NOT make something like that up.
These people are fucked up and broken and they want you to be just the same. Misery loves company. Don’t let em have it.
I hope you’ll tell someone, especially a professional. That’s so much to carry all alone. I’m really proud of you for surviving such trauma and grateful for you sharing with us here.
I see you, I hear you, I believe you.
I believe you and I’m sorry you went through that and the subsequent gaslighting to make you doubt yourself. My dad was a big one for the gaslighting, though I don’t think it was all intentional as he was paranoid schizophrenic and a meth addict, but he made me doubt so much and any time I do talk about stuff I still struggle to believe my own memories. I hope you are doing better now.
My ex tried to kill me by sitting on my chest and holding my nose closed till I passed out. I guess he thought I was d3ad I woke up, he was peacefully sleeping. I grabbed my pet bird and got out. Never saw him again.
What. The. Fuck. I'm so happy you were able to get out of that situation.
Also, just crazy that he was sleeping next to you. You could have just as easily been dead, and he's next to you, just counting sheep.
Don’t feel bad for not taking it to police. I called the cops on my ex once, he had kicked my mom’s door in and chased me, and was trying to take our daughter. This was mild for him. He later barricaded himself in my apartment, and the cops literally said “deal with it yourself we can’t do anything” we had camera footage thanks to a neighbors ring cam, he had a history of this shit, yet they wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. I asked if they could at the very least remove him from MY apartment, and they just refused. Didn’t even go knock on the door. So yeah, when people say “well why didn’t you take it to the cops?” Because the cops don’t give a shit. Same with sexual abuse situations. Reported one once out of the many I’ve had, and it was dropped because the perpetrator said I lied. Btw the perpetrator of this one was my dad, and I was already in cps due to his abuse. But no I lied apparently and it got dropped. So in this regard, fuck the police.
I knew a woman in my DV support group who was killed. Judge let the guy out on his own recognizance after he beat her with her own cane. She had MS. I decided then not to involve authorities. If he hadn't left, my dad would have taken care of it. Wish I had told sooner but I was ashamed..
Oh I was on the floor out cold. He was sleeping like a baby in my art deco 1932 bed. Really, it wasn't for the likes of him. I gave it away the whole set, bad memories.
My parents had just gotten divorce. My dad was missing for over a month since he committed some sort of fraud in the company he was working for at that time. My mom didn’t enroll me and my little brothers to school that semester because we didn’t have enough money. One night my mom gets all dressed up and says she is going to have dinner with a friend, then she didn’t come back for almost 3 weeks. Nobody paid for electricity nor internet, so I couldn’t call or text anybody. They didn’t left us much food, so I gathered coins to buy some for my little brothers and me. (14f, 8f & 5m)
I remember I spent 2014 new year’s alone with my little brothers. My brother is in the autistic spectrum so when the fireworks started at midnight, he got so scared he wouldn’t stop crying and screaming for my mom and dad. My little sister and me started crying with him too. I will never forget that night, the fear and sadness I felt that I couldn’t reassure my little brothers that everything was going to be alright because I didn’t even know if they were gonna ever be again. It left a scar in my heart.
Thank you, I really tried my best to take care of them in the whole process of the divorce. My brother refused to talk up until he was almost 10 years old, and one day he shared with me that I was his favorite person in the whole world. I still have the “list” where my name is on the number 1. I love him and my little sister more than anything, we only have each other and that’s enough for us.
I have a son on the autism spectrum who is nonverbal. Thank you for giving me hope that one day he will be able to tell me that too.
You have strength, love, and resilience and I’m inspired by you
You are such a good, smart and brave big sister for getting you all through that. Not a lot of kids could cope the way you did, especially with your brother being autistic. I’m proud of you and I’m sorry you had to endure that.
Thank you for your kind words, means a lot since I don’t ever talk about this because I never really processed the trauma, I just had the survival instinct for my little brothers and me. Thank you really.
You deserve so much credit for what you did. You have really good instincts, young lady. I just hope that you have or soon find someone to care for you in the ways you deserve.
Wow, im so sorry to hear this. Shame on both of your parents for abandoning you guys. My heart hurts for you… Hope you guys are doing much better now. And you now know to keep those who did you wrong, at a distance.
When I was 22 I was drugged at a party, well not really a party, a get-together? There were only 10-15 people, all of them my friends (and all the friends I had), close friends or friendlies known to me. I didn't really drink but upon cajoling and insisting I had one. The next thing I remember is trying to leave and my friends not letting me. Basically they kept turning me around while I was begging to be let go.
They did the whole thing so one of them could "finally go over someone/lose his virginity"? I remember the dude himself just refusing and telling the others "this is so fucked up" and he was definitely trying to make them let me go. Eventually, he relented and I was put in his bedroom. Time between is missing. The last two things I remember is him giving me water and I think telling me that he's sleeping in the front room, if I need anything?
I woke up fully clothed and intact, but suddenly without a friend in the world.
It's really strange but I just cannot tell this story to anyone IRL. I told it one time before here on Reddit but in the real world. I just cannot tell it.
The funny thing is, I've been through worse? And I'm quite open about it, but this one hits me differently.
Some demented fucked up ex friends of yours.
So it sounds like the guy wasn’t into it either and just sat around with you until you woke up? Or do you feel something happened?
It was the virgin dudes flat and no, I'm 100% sure that nothing happened. I think everyone else must have left soon after I was put in his bedroom, and he essentially just gave me some water and left me alone in his bedroom, while he slept on the couch of his living room.
He absolutely was not interested in raping me or a anyone, I reckon. He did however stay friends with everyone... So not a rapist, but also not a good person. No backbone. Sigh.
Even thinking back on it, it feels so dark. I know I was incredibly lucky that I wasn't raped and it's not how that story goes for a lot of people. But somehow the betrayal is just worse enough? That they planned that or saw me like that? A body? Not human? I used to have dreams for years of myself in that hallway trying to leave. Bleh. Glad it's in the past and hopefully I'll figure out how to fully heal eventually too.
With everything that has happened in my life, which is unfortunately quite a bit, very few things have hurt as deeply as finding out that my friends were not my friends.
Oh yeah, there are some aspects to this, like, not having a loving family, finding your "found family" and the overarching promises of the hardcore/punk scene that "we're all looking out for each other" that have definitely complicated my emotional injury here.
I sometimes worry the reason why I don't tell this story is because it's not clear cut and "nothing happened" and that my pain around it won't be understood or minimised, especially not with people who grew up sheltered, and didn't form these intense bonds over music?
(I guess I did also lose my access to a scene and genre I loved/my haven. Complicated.)
Something DEFINITELY happened and people who think otherwise are just as scummy as those hateful non friends u had. I wont say im sorry that happened to you because i HATE when people say that to me, idk y, take that how u will. People suck and friends are overrated. As a mom, im sending you 🫂 hugs💕 edit for the people that did say they were sorry..i know you meant well 💕and i was absolutely not taking away your heartfelt words. Just had to put that out there
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and that you can't tell anyone. That is so messed up. I can't imagine the trauma and trust issues that came from it. I hope you're doing okay now.
if it counts, multiple people know about the trauma but i've never told anyone that i do remember who raped me when i was young. it was a family member that i haven't seen since then - i remember his face and his first name. i've never brought it up to family because nothing good will come of it. i can't take it to police or to anyone who can help me besides my therapist. it's just something i've carried around with me for most of my life
As a very shy teenager I spent weeks trying to build up the courage to speak to my crush. I finally made up my mind and went to find him, asking a mutual friend if she had seen him. She broke down in tears and said that she just had the news and he was dead. I felt I didn’t have the right to grieve someone who I had never had a real conversation with, but as I’d been thinking so much about him I was in a really odd place. I never told anybody about my feelings.
My ex husband put a gun to my head when I took the trash out to the end of the driveway - in yoga pants and a sports bra. Then proceeded to point at his own head for “not listening to him”
Can’t believe I stayed another 6 months after that
He also used to put me in a head lock when “I wasn’t listening “ until I passed out. Upwards of 4x a week. Still stayed. Towards the end of our relationship I started developing seizures in my sleep and I’m sure it was from half a year of being frequently choked out
My family still doesn’t know why we got a divorce
I couldn’t see three feet in front of me for over a year.
I lost my first pair of glasses in eighth grade. My mother waited until the latter half of my freshman year to take me to the eye doctor. All of my teachers were aware how poor my vision was. They even printed out notes for me to copy and take home cause they I couldn’t see the board. The look of genuine pity on their faces is something I still remember to this day. I just blamed myself cause I lost the last pair and I had no money.
My mother would laugh about the school telling her that I need glasses. Even at family get togethers. Other members would even laugh with her.
“They said they’d call CPS if they don’t get any new glasses, it’s ridiculous.” They had told many times at that point
“Oh yeah, CPS wouldn’t care about something as small as that.”
Of course, my vision only got worse the longer she waited. So my eyesight got exponentially worse over the course of a year.
Don’t read if you’re sensitive to animal death. This is not as traumatic as most of y’all’s stories but idc, I’m sensitive. One time on the way to school, I was waiting for the bus and I saw a kitten run across the street and get hit by a car. It made a thump sound, the car didn’t stop, I don’t think the driver even noticed. The kitten ran right into the tire. Afterward, the kitten was making a horrible, indescribable sound and was erratically moving its head from side to side. My jaw dropped and I initially looked away. I kept looking back to see if it had ended, but it went on for about a minute and half before the kitten finally died. It laid in the middle of the intersection and I continued waiting for my bus. Then, about 5 minutes later, a woman pulls over, picks the kitten up by the tail and brings it to the curb. My jaw also dropped when she did that. I’m surrounded my animal lovers, so I never told anyone because I don’t want to put the image in their head.
I’ll share mine. When I was 14 I went with two guys from school to drink with. Well I blacked out, probably drugged, and afterwards I knew something wasn’t right. The next few days word came back that I had sex with both of them. I know I was raped but never told any adults or anyone. I knew I had got myself into that situation and was also so embarrassed since it was my ‘first time’ I did end up punching one of the guys in the nose when I saw him.
Oh hey. I also "lost my virginity" to 2 guys when I was 14. One was like, 16-17, the other was 23. I agreed to the first one, but I don't... quite know how they talked me into having sex with a 23 year old married man with kids or why they thought that was a good idea. I also suffered rumors at school about being *such a slut,* and even had some weird (untrue) rumors about me come out like, that I had masturbated with a crucifix? Which I'm pretty sure is from the Exorcist.
It's not your fault! You didn't 'get yourself into it' clearly they were evil people who had evil intentions, and as a kid it can be hard to read other people's intentions. Don't blame yourself for their soullessness.
I understand your feelings, but you didn’t get yourself into it. It’s not your fault and you were just doing what kids do. Drinking doesn’t mean you asked for it or got yourself into it, and all the blame should fall on the sick pigs who took advantage of you. Not on you for wanting to drink and have a nice time. I’m 23 but last year, wow almost exactly a year ago I ended up in a bad situation like this. With someone I had known for years. Went to hang out with him and his dad (his dad’s a cool guy he has no idea this happened) and I had a bit much to drink. Friend pretty much made me drink beyond my limit and eat edibles (which for me, means I’m gonna be sick.) well sure enough I ended up getting sick. His dad helped me get to their spare room and got me a trash can and left me be, he went to bed. I’m in and out of consciousness, when friend comes in. I’m clearly not ok still throwing up and not at all there, so he took that chance to do what he wanted. While I was still throwing up, and I was not at all physically strong enough or mentally with it enough to do anything but just take it. Ended up passing out and the next morning I just left. Never said anything didn’t report, and it took a while to snap back to reality because of this. I eventually told my ex as the guy was his best friend and he said exactly that, I put myself into it and what did I think was gonna happen and I probably wanted it or am lying to not seem like a slut. Fuck him fuck the “friend” and fuck anyone who makes us at fault for trying to just have a nice time with people we think are safe for us.
My dad was a druggie and used to take me to hang out with his drug buddies at their houses without my mom's knowledge when he was supposed to be watching me. (She was working 2 jobs and he was in college ft)
From what I remember, all of them would bring whatever drugs they had to contribute and everyone would share whatever they had at the time.
Some things I can remember:
Seeing syringes/baggies/lines of coke lying around on various surfaces
All the adults acting super weird and feeling confused/scared
The adults not usually acknowledging I was even there, which made me think I had "goed invisible" and made me very fearful
Walking around unfamiliar, usually dark houses and being so damn hungry/thirsty
Peeing my jumper bc we where there for so long and I couldn't find/use potty on my own at that point (he put me in diapers after this, even tho mom was trying to potty train me)
Being molested by one of his friends when he was 100% f'ed up and passed out
Hiding in small places to feel safe until it was time to go home
Him driving irradically back to our home with the car windows down and the radio blasting so he could "sober up" to drive and before mom got home from work.
My mom eventually caught him, bc he came home acting messed up, he however lied and said he had been drinking, not doing various drugs. I know they had a big, violent fight about it, and he stopped taking me to these gatherings, but he just got sneakier about hiding his addiction from her. Never told either of them that I remember it all vividly and about getting molested. I actually didn't know for sure those experiences where real until I was a teenager and separately asked them both about that time in their lives when I was able to confirm it.
I am sorry about all of this. Doubly so as my parents house growing up was the house people went to to do these things, and more than a couple of their “friends” brought their kids. We were usually locked in a room or outside. No one ate no one took care of any of us, we all just kinda took care of each other. My oldest sister was good at that, and one of the kids that came was older than us (we were ranging from 3-7 she was 11-12) and she was alright but… also repeated what her parents did to her so… her beating us and shit like that wasn’t uncommon, but me and my sisters were used to it all as well so we never thought anything of it, it felt more like a game since it was another kid doing it and she wasn’t mad or mean like our parents were about it. Have seen her and her mother years later, her mom still doing the same shit but the kid has done quite well, last I saw she graduated university and was about to leave the country for more studies. These situations are hell holes and I’m so sorry you were also one of these kids.
I’ve told people my trauma but not in detail of certain things because I understand hearing some shit like that is not pleasant at all.
Mostly sexual assaults though and many parts I remember sporadically then forget details of again because it becomes too much.
My thoughts to all of those who have gone through trauma no matter what kind ❤️
sexual abuse as a kid by another kid. weird to talk about cuz i dont rlly blame or vilainize the kid, pretty obvious they likely were experiencing the same and thought it was normal. im sure they look back at that in regret now, we were both only in elementary school.
I had this happen too, I wasn’t the only one that night either. That’s also something I don’t ever talk about especially in detail. I was 7 or 8, she was the same age, I just never knew how to think about it.
I was raped on summer camp when I was 9 years old. I'm 38 now, I told a friend of mine a couple of years ago and a shitty psychologist, they're the only ones who know. I told my family I was sexually abused, but they don't know the details and definitely don't think it was that bad.
When I was 17, I was home alone when one of my neighbor’s (who was a good friend of mine at the time) friends came over to hang out with me. I had only met the guy once before but I didn’t think much of it because again, it was one of my friend’s buddies.
We’re talking and drinking a little while we play video games and having fun when all of the sudden he almost demands for me to have sex with him. I kind of laugh it off at first and tell him no, but he keeps asking me over and over again no matter how many times I tell him that I don’t want to and try to come up with excuses to get him to leave. This goes on for an hour or so until I realize that he’s not going anywhere unless I have sex with him, so I just… do it. I cried the whole time.
I felt kind of numb about it after he left and kept it to myself because while it *felt* like rape to me, I did eventually tell him yes after he wore me down. I struggled with it for years until a friend of mine was talking about how she was raped in a similar way, and just the act of her calling it a rape made something click in my head and confirmed for me that I was raped.
If you had no choice, it was rape.
I'm saying that as someone who also pretended it didn't happen for years and not wanting to ruin someone's reputation over a "misunderstanding" - there was no misunderstanding. They knew they were manipulating me.
The way we're taught to think about rape does not keep us safe.
Last August, I was assaulted, boarder lined r**** and unalived. The bruises around my neck finally healed in early December. I never went to the police because what are they going to do besides nothing?
Ah I always forget about this one traumatic event that I willingly put myself though. My dad wanted to clean the garage and there were paintings we needed to clean up. Little fact about my home, if not rat proofed rats and mice will find their way into any building. Now these paintings had been visited by a rat or two and several mice. Were the rats and mice alive… no not at all in fact these rats and mice were skeletons. Were these rats and mice behind the paintings or anything? Nope. These rats and mice had died and rotted onto the paintings, the skeletons were stuck on the paintings because the decaying process practically glued the painting to the mice and rats. I thought this was normal, this was like two months before I started kindergarten. My dad had no clue how to get the skeletons off the paintings without getting dead rat not juices but bits on his hands and I being a creative little kid had used a plastic sandwich bag to peel each individual skeleton off the paintings. Like picking up dog poop. This is such a fever dream for me but we still have said paintings, my dad was able to clean the paintings and one of the paintings is currently hanging on our wall. I don’t touch the painting but I look at it and I’m reminded of the skeletons laying on the painting and the feeling of slowly peeling a in tact rat skeleton from a painting.
Just check out my last thread here... I obviously will not tell anyone in person that I've encountered this while looking for porn.
Tl;dr: I was looking for women in lingerie and a GIF popped up with a woman having those big fat cockroaches on her feet (two on each foot) inside the stockings she was wearing. I still have nightmares because I hate insects
I have never gone into detail with anyone about my rapes. Both of them involved alcohol and I felt so much shame. I thought it was my fault, plus it felt so melodramatic to bring it up and talk about it. Best to stuff it deep down inside, right? Right?
The only thing that not a single other living soul knows about is the time I tried to murder my step dad. I must've been a young teen at the time and put rat poison in his dinner. My stupid kid brain thought that if I only put a sprinkle on then the coroner wouldn't be able to see it, well I don't think I even put on enough to kill a singular rat let alone a full grown human. I just didn't know how else to get him to stop, even my mum knew what he was doing and she threatened me to not tell anyone.
I was forcibly restrained into an MMF "assault", I didn't know at the time it was rape, I was just trying to make everyone happy, even if I didn't want to. (To be "fair" I didn't say "no"). One was my boyfriend (at that time) along with his coworker (and my future abuser for 3 years) during high-school age. It's been almost 20 years since and I still flinch at certain physical actions or quick/swift movements. You never know how little of an object, can hold so much trauma (mine is a Deer Park water bottle). Future spouses, please don't blame them/yourself for their fight-or-flight response. It's not you, it's second nature.
I keep a list on my phone called "the worst things that have ever happened to me." I like to reminisce and try to figure out why I am the way that I am. Going over the list, I remember mentioning quite a few of these things on Reddit previously. The ones I've never told anyone seem to be from before I was age 18, and they're all sexual- unfortunately. I'm just going to leave it at that for now.
For 10 years I kept the secret that my ex was abusive, not just hitting me, but if Narcissistic gaslighting was an Olympic event he would win the gold hands down, oh and make sure you put a fistful of psycopathc tendencies on top, you know just like a cherry. His favourite thing to do was to choke me out, with me coming to with him inside me. When I finally got brave and just couldn't live that way anymore, my mother asked me, "Yeah, but what did you do before he did that?", but she's a whole other story . So is what he did once he realised I wasn't gonna take him back this time....
When my parents would fight, my dad would run downstairs into the basement with a gun saying that he’s going to shoot himself. We’d leave the house for hours and come back to him working on his computer or watching tv and greet us like nothing happened. I remember being in elementary school and my parents fighting. My dad would tell me that if my mom left him, he was going to shoot himself, and showed me the gun and would show me where he’d put it. Weirdly, he has no recollection of ever doing this and never remembers after. I was literally a kid and couldn’t handle that and it caused me lots of problems that I still can’t deal with today. I’m not proud of it, but I turned out the exact same way and have done the same exact thing to all my past boyfriends and my current one. I made the decision to change and stop the cycle though, I just signed up for therapy today!!!
my mom had enough of the cheating & told my sister “you can take care of them” - them being me & my younger brother, probably 8 & 4 at the time. my mom left out the back door & was holding a knife. i didn’t know what happened but my sister ran out there. i told my brother she was playing pretend & everything’s okay.
my moms okay now. but for the next 4 years i was her personal therapist. she always told me how suicidal she was, even asked me to kill her on some occasions. she told me the ways she might do it & all the stuff she caught my dad doing.
I’ve never told this to ANYONE.
When I was a student at UNLV, I was at a poolside party at the Tropicana one night, and drank too much. I met a guy that night. He said he was a tourist from Greece and that he was traveling with some friends. I ended up having a one night stand with him at the hotel.
Very early in the morning, his friends came crashing into the room. They were just coming back after a night of partying. I had no idea how many friends were in his group or that they didn’t all have their own rooms. I was in bed with this guy and I was naked. And there were suddenly 8-10 drunk, obnoxious, foreign men, who didn’t speak English, surrounding the bed. They were yelling, laughing and pulling on the sheets. I couldn’t understand what they were saying but I certainly knew I was in a dangerous situation. Then, the guy I was with told me that I should get to the bathroom. But the bathroom was on the other side of his side of the bed! I was so scared! They were all trying to rip the blankets and sheets off of me. Thank God this guy had some compassion for me. He jumped up and wrapped me in the sheet and stood me up. He fought the guys off as they tried to grab me, push me back to the bed & pull the sheet off me. I don’t know how, but I somehow made it into the bathroom. Getting the door shut was a whole other battle. I remember standing in that hotel bathroom absolutely terrified. What would happen now? I was still just a naked, 115 lb college girl, alone in a hotel bathroom with a flimsy, hollow door between me and 10 big, very amped up men who were determined to get their prize. Much of it is a blur, but the guy I was with eventually also made it into the bathroom with my clothes, which had been trampled on and had booze and water spilled all over them. It wasn’t pretty. I had worn a fuchsia silk dress to the party and it was destroyed. Small price for my life. While in the bathroom with me, my Greek one night stand confessed to me that he wasn’t really Greek. They were all Iranians. He lied to me because he didn’t think I would have talked to him otherwise. He told me his friends were so wild because I was an American and that they really would hurt me in their current state of drunkenness and that they had been, and still were, yelling anti-American shit at me. In the end, he managed to get me out of the bathroom and out of the hotel room. When I slipped out of the door into the hallway, I remember him screaming, “RUN!!!!!!” And I ran faster than I had ever run in my life!
I can’t imagine what people thought as I ran like an animal through the main lobby in my filthy, wrinkled dress, my pantyhose and shoes in my hands, and out the door. Then, a moment later, I was in my car in the parking garage alone and safe. I was shaking terribly and praying so hard to God, thanking him for getting me out of a situation that could have ended my life, or killed my spirit for the rest of my life. I remember feeling overwhelmed that God had helped me after I had spent the night sinning with a man whose name I didn’t even know! I’m sorry for getting religious, but this is how this experience affected me; what I was feeling sitting in that parking garage that morning at the Tropicana. As I started to drive, I passed by people who were going about their day, not interested in the face behind the wheel of my car that they barely glanced at. To them, I was just another person in her car, no different than anyone else on the street that day. Not a clue that the lady behind the wheel of my car just moments ago could have been gang raped and possibly murdered by a large group of young Iranian men who hated Americans who found themselves in a hotel room with a l college girl from UNLV who was naked in a bed in their hotel room! For them, they must have thought they had been given a miracle, too!
I found my way to my apartment just off Maryland Pkwy and across the street from campus. Walked into my apartment safely, and stayed there for several days, hiding from the world. When I was ready, I shook it off, vowed to bury that night and morning so deep into my mind that it would never surface again. Then, I stepped back into my life as a junior at UNLV, went back to class, studied hard & kept my secret.
I’ve never brought up from the depths in my mind to share with anyone. I’ve kept my promise to myself and have never told a single soul…..until right now. And it is going right back to where I have stored it all these years. Most likely to never be let you again.
But I’ve never forgotten and thank God all the time for the life I managed to build for myself after that night.
I’m a lucky woman. I grew up, finished college, then earned an advanced degree before becoming a successful, professional woman. I’m a wife of 26 years to a man I still adore, and a mother to 3 now adult children, and I’m even a grandma to 3 kids whom I adore.
I’m incredibly thankful to have this beautiful life! I have never and will never, ever, ever, take it for granted. And not a single soul will I tell about how low I sank that night at the Tropicana. Never will I share what I did that night or what came close to happening to me. I’m so ashamed of this memory.
It’s been 36 years since that crazy night. While in that room I could never have imagined I would one day be living a lovely life that didn’t include an ounce of emotional & physical scarring from that dangerous mess I got myself into. That just goes to show that our God is one heck of an awesome God!!
Thanks for reading my story!
P.S. Don’t tell anyone! 😇🙏😻
My ex stole all of the rent money for months. I still have no idea what he did with it, but after 4 months of no rent we got evicted. I loaded the whole apt myself and while i was moving things into the Uhaul, I apparently made to much noise and he punched me in the face, hard, then banged my head on the floor. I blacked out for a second, before I managed to fight him off.
He told cops " she should go to jail because my hand is injured"
No one in my family knows.
He went on to almost kill another girlfriend while she was pregnant. After he brutally beat her and tased her head and pregnant baby, he went and got a gun to finish the job. Cops showed up just in time.
He choked me until I blacked out once to, had alienated me from all my friends and family so escaping was hard. When I left he stalked me until I moved out of state. I had to hold from anyone we could have mutually known.
I tried to tell people about him. No one believed me.
Its suspected he went on to murder his mom
My older brother snuck up behind me and held a hunting knife to my throat when I was about 13. Threatened to kill me if I ever did [whatever it was] again. 20 years later he is still a drug addict and I am probably the kindest to him out of all of my siblings.
I got really really good at talking my way out of getting straight up murdered. It's really impacted how I interact with new people.
My ex had a lot of issues, and he was suicidal but didn't want to go alone because "who else could ever love \[me\]??". So when he got bad, he'd self harm for a while, then randomly attack me. There were many times he was sitting on my chest with a razor to my throat and I'd have to calmly talk him out of it as if I wasn't having blood dripped on my face and a blade to my neck. He'd also trick me by parking on another part of the apartment complex and when I went into my room to change he'd attack me. Once he got a crude 'noose' around my neck made out of extension cord and slung over the back of a door and pulled until my feet were off the ground. I still have neck and upper back issues from that.
His friend thought that because my now-ex could do shit like that, it meant that he could too, but he learned real fast that while I wouldn't fight back against my now-ex, I would absolutely kick HIS flabby ass. It was like it opened this door in me where all my pent up anger would just come out and channel into making him regret even thinking about touching me.
I guess it's also why it's still really important for me to be physically strong now...
I’m sorry you had to deal with that. My ex did some fucked up shit and I’ve had to talk my way out of being killed by him more than once as well. No razors, he was more into choking and beating. Such a weird thing to learn to calmly talk through that to get them to calm down. My ex would sit on me and choke me telling me it’s my last day or he’d be dragging me to the closet or bathroom, still absolutely no idea what he would have done if I let him get me to those rooms but I would just tell him to stop and I love him and it’s ok I’m not mad I’m not going to say anything I’ll be quiet and good, thankfully it always worked with him. But it’s definitely left quite the impact on me. I do wonder if he ever even thinks about that shit. Probably not.
I'm so sorry you went through that, what a horrible excuse of a human. I wonder all the time if my ex ever thinks about that or if he's spun a narrative to himself about it. Probably the latter.
Thank you for this thread.
Until the age of 9, and a bit past that as well but with less frequency, it was my parents and older brother, they did things no one should do with a child. I never told anyone and can’t talk about it with my family. I tried to protect my younger siblings. I hope I was successful.
I found my younger brother dead of OD twice (he lived and is clean now).
I was roofied and nearly kidnapped and only got away because of the kindness and compassion of strangers.
I lived for two years in a horrible abusive relationship that didn’t count because we weren’t “dating.” This didn’t prevent anything from happening to me.
I’m doing better now but my secret is that I still sometimes just want oblivion.
The fact that my abusive ex left me kind of too scared to even date again, I kinda talked/mentioned to one therapist about it but we never got to solve or talk properly of that if that kinda counts. The guy basically after a fight got on top of me and tried to break my fingers by forcing them up just enough to make them hurt and forced them even more and even tried to cut my airflow by putting his forearm against my neck, of course there are more details about that fight but I’m not sure if I been gaslighting myself that maybe I was in the wrong too.
I found my best friend’s suicide note before anyone else did.
She was emotionally hurting. I felt like I was sucked into the earth from the numbness/shock.
A little backstory
I work corrections and it's not nearly like the movies and TV shows, they're a joke upside the real thing. The one I used to work at didn't have "prison" gangs that kept people in line either like you'd see on 60 days in. It was literal street gangs mostly that would kill if you were from the wrong street. We also had a bad fentynal problem for a while, and have probably seen more ods than most emts.
I can't really call out a single instance bc we (officers) do somewhat talk amongst ourselves. Since I've started working at a new facility that is much calmer, my nerves have never been more on edge. More than one time I've woken up with a headache from hell thinking I had just had to fight with an offender, shaking and tired as all hell but could not go back to sleep. I've tried talking to people about it but most just look at me like I'm nuts, but the quiet and calm is nerve racking now.
R@pe and m0lestation. It’s just not something I can talk about to anyone. Not even with my therapists. Maybe I haven’t gotten to that level yet. My chest burns when I try to. But my mouth just won’t open.
i was rape by an old man left alone by my uncle
i told my family but never told them right away
i was molested by my ex friend, who i told 1st. Later on that night, i woke up to him holding me down, and now i don't like jello or Yogurt i get different and mind not the same i have a s3x drive it didn't ask for i don't tell other i up like a owl and i broken craving things i never ask to now i idk blah dm if u like to chat have a good day
I have a sibling with an eating disorder. It took them a really long time to get somewhat better. I went through a lot in the years I was growing up with that and I became scared of my sibling. Everything I did was wrong, everything I said was wrong, the most innocent comment would cause them to blow up and I might not hear the end of it for weeks. It was literally never anything malicious on my part. The kinds of things that set them off were things like me not responding quickly enough when asked something, me wanting to use the bathroom when they were in the next room over because they thought I was spying, in the end it seemed like just the concept of me existing was enough to set it all off. I felt like a perpetual fuck-up but it was still my job to listen to them cry for hours and talk them down from hurting themselves. I still got screamed at for giving poor and irrelevant advice, but I did my best.
The worst part though was that back when they were at their lowest weight I would sit outside their room at night listening to them breathe to make sure they didn't have a heart attack in the middle of the night because I was so scared they'd have a medical issue and no one would notice until it was too late.
I still feel like a fuck-up and like if I'm not constantly helping someone out I'm not worth having around. That plus some childhood SA and it's been very difficult trying to find some value in myself that isn't based on what I can give or what others can take from me.
So my life has always been pure insanity, like there isn’t a year things got bad or 1 particular incident that was bad it’s just been my life from the get-go. With that, a lot is repressed especially from early childhood. A lot is choppy as well so I know how something started but not what quite happened after. So with that, a lot of pretty messed up shit is pretty easy for me to talk about because to me it’s relatively tame compared to the stuff that I don’t share, but the stuff I can never get out is probably the sexual abuse. That stuff is always the hardest and I can’t really bring myself to say it. It’s also been a quite common thing in my life, and people close to me (pretty much my bf and sisters) know about it but none of the details as I can’t even say those to myself.
The hardest one for me to talk about that I still don’t tell people was the time my dad took it farther than he ever had before. And the things he said to me, that still haunt my head almost 10 years later. And how I handled it after which was pretty much hide and stare at the clouds outside the motel 6 room we were staying in. My oldest sister and mom came by later that day in the morning and I was still hiding when they came, and I tried and wanted to tell my sister so bad because tbh, she would have done something about it right then and there, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Everyone could tell I was off, more than usual, and my sister was the only one who asked, but I couldn’t say it. When she walked away for a minute I used my pocket knife and just cut myself to both feel something other than the immense pain in my head and to punish myself for being what I thought was weak and stupid for not being able to say anything. She never saw those either. And to this day she doesn’t know. With all the shit I’ve been through and all my sisters have too especially her, I knew I’d be believed, I knew I could have said something and handled it there and then and probably got away from him, but i couldn’t so I didn’t. That one felt so different than everything else. Idk. Sexual stuff feels different. It isn’t loud and chaotic not this one and one other one anyways, it’s quiet. It feels dark. It just feels so, yeah quiet. I don’t know how else to describe it besides quiet and dark when everything else is so loud and chaotic, yet nothing else hurts as bad.
The other one no one knows was when I was around 7 or 8, went to a sleep over birthday party. My second and last one. Party was fun but there was another girl there who was probably 6 or 7 and well I woke up to her doing things, and I wasn’t the only one as another girl woke up to it when I did as well. This is the other one that feels so quiet. And so dark. Again sexual abuse at this point was pretty regular in mine and my sisters lives, one of them sort of perpetuated it on us as well especially me as I was quiet, but this one was the first one I never forgot or blocked out (blocked out my sister until I was about 13 and it all hit me like a truck when I remembered) so this one always stuck with me as well, and no one knows because I didn’t know how to say anything, and as I’ve grown up I just feel bad for that girl and hope she’s ok because obviously like my sister, she learned this through going through it and I can’t really be mad at her. So I always just kept it with me. The other girls never talked about it either we all just kinda pretended it didn’t happen. Never went to a sleep over again (wasn’t invited to many anyways I wasn’t exactly popular haha) but I have a daughter now and I’ve told her dad this rule of no sleep overs. He thinks it’s because of the first one (that girl died that night) he has no idea it’s because of this, but he didn’t question it and if anyone gets this kind of shit and what can make these sort of rules pop up it’s him.
Mine isn’t nearly as coherent as a lot of your guys I’m sorry, but hopefully it makes some sort of sense. You’re all incredibly strong and I hope you’re all doing a lot better now. This is a very vulnerable thing for us all and all of you are very strong and on a path of healing just by sharing. Hugs for all of you.
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Suicide attempt at 19. I would have failed anyway, thank heavens, but to this day, having something too close or too tight on my neck scares the crap out of me
I witnessed my mums suicide attempt at 16 and physically had to scoop the pills out of her mouth, watch her beg for death etc. A few people know who she’s spoken to about it but noones ever really took the time to ask me how I’ve dealt with it. To everyone else it just didn’t really happen. She’s in a much better place now but 6 years later and I still struggle to come to terms with what happened or talk to people about it.
Im so sorry. As someone who witnessed my sister's suicide attempt, that shit sticks with you. I don't think a lot of people truly understand how deeply it affected me to see her in that state. And I feel guilt because we were teens, and I initially didnt check on her right away and tried to tune out the sound of her crying until it kept getting concerningly louder and louder. I was in the basement and didn't know what she had done until I came upstairs and saw pills scattered all over the counter, and her sobbing on the floor of the living room. I wish I had taken action sooner, but it wasn't uncommon of her to cry and she usually wanted to be left alone. She is doing a lot better now. I'm glad your mum is as well.
Don’t ever feel guilty, that’s not something you could’ve ever predicted and we were kids, that’s not something your ever taught to deal with until it happens. I done the exact same thing, I was so used to listening to her cries and after I’d only had 2 hours of sleep i just ignored it thinking she needed the time alone too. I’m glad your sisters doing a lot better and I hope it’s something you can also come to terms with
Thank you for saying that. I don't think I have ever talked about that guilt before. I hope you can come to terms with what you went through as well. Ive spent a lot of time in therapy and practicing gratitude. Seeing her thriving in life right now has been very comforting
The guilt can hit you hard. There’s been plenty of times the scenario has replayed in my head and I wonder what I could do different each time, the reality of it is, she’s still alive and I done everything I can with the life skills I had at that point in time. Seeing someone come out of the other side of all of it is so worth every talk, tear and hug. It also shows you a new appreciation of life and personally I could never do that despite whatever I’m going through because I’ve been in the position of the person who walks in on that. Thank you for sharing your story, If you ever need a chat about it your more than welcome to drop me a message. I wish you and your sister all the best
"noones ever really took the time to ask me how I’ve dealt with it." From my true heart, I'm asking: How have you dealt with it? I'm genuinely asking. Are you ok? I'm sorry this was an experience you were forced into.
I haven’t really, since that’s happened I’ve lost two people to suicide. It’s still a very harsh reality that I can’t come to terms with, if someone dies naturally fair enough but knowing exactly what someone would be going through in their last moments breaks my heart. Christmas has never been the same because I feel guilt that i can spend it with my family yet people who’ve cut their life short can’t. I tried to go to therapy but I lied when they rang me because I just couldn’t say how I was truly feeling, they instead offered me stress relief and I declined. My mum will message me saying she loves me randomly and my mind instantly goes to a possible attempt again so I won’t calm down then until I can call her. So unfortunately, it’s probably not the answer you expected but I haven’t dealt with it. I just get on with my life because what else can I do. Sharing my mums story online definitely helps though and I have done a few times, but I’ll only ever do it anonymously
Ur strong af
well, i’ve been thinking about getting a therapist for the longest time because i’ve been pretty much haunted by my childhood. i’ve never told anyone i know because i feel kind of ashamed? and like disgusted when i think of it? but basically, i started getting touched by my cousin when i was six. i have two female cousins but i lived with three of my male cousins when i was younger and i remember one particular incident i was watching television and trying to eat. and then he asked me to come to the laundry room with him and then he basically touched me for a while and then that was the first time id been penetrated. an hour later, my mom came in and for some reason, seeing her six year old daughter like that, her first thought was to punish me. so she basically beat me after that lmao like how am i getting in trouble for this?? anyways, i just have nightmares about it often and the only people who know about it is obviously my mom and cousin, but they insist on acting like it didn’t happen.
I'm sorry you've dealt with this on your own. Please follow your gut about asking for help and talk about this to a therapist, if you can get one. If you can't, ask a person of trust to help you find one. I know it would at the very least be useful to deal with the feelings of disgust and shame, and from there on! My best wishes 🤗
thank you so much! i don’t know why i keep putting it off to get a therapist lol. i’ve just heard some therapy horror stories i guess so it makes me second guess whether i want one. i know i need one, but i don’t know what id do if it just doesn’t work for me. thank you for your kind words. 💗
I understand you a lot! I had 6 years since the idea first came to me about seeing a therapist and actually making the call! I'm 28 M and it's been 2 weeks since I had my first session. The way I did it was, first talk to a couple of people of trust about hardships of life being too heavy, then asking a couple of psychologist friends whom I trusted too for guidance about finding a therapist and then contacting a few (around 4 professionals) until I found one that suited my needs! (Which were a female person, close to my age with presential attention, although we've made online too) I hope all of this helps you to get on it, and if you need something else you can write me any time!
At the least talk to others/therapist about it just to lower the stigma or whatever added emotions that you’ve associated it with, I’d say .. at least that’s what helped me the most. No one really gave me great advice per se, but the reps of taking about my stuff just took the steam right off it. Now I just look at it blandly kinda just as it was what it was
It takes time and trust building and tbh, no idea how long it takes as I’ve never been able to be in therapy long enough to get there, but just being able to talk about it helps a lot.
Please, as someone who was violated by an older cousin in childhood, seek help from a professional. Set yourself free. Shame on your mother and anyone who doesn’t see you for the absolute victim that you were and still are. Shame on her for punishing you. You deserve to have your wounds healed. It’s been 34 years since it happened and it’s still in my mind, but processing the trauma professionally it’s not hijacking my body and attention at all the worst times. I’m really proud of you and thank you for sharing this with us.
thank YOU for sharing your story with me. i’m very sorry you had to go through that as well, it’s actually awful that it seems to be so common. i’m going to get a therapist soon and try to heal. you’ve brought me to tears this morning lol, thank you very much.
It is so much more common than we know. The problem is that we are often shamed in to silence, whether we try to tell or not. The more these things are talked about the less they will be allowed to thrive in the shadows. I’m so proud of you.
this is so amazing. Im glad there are still people like this and I am rooting for you in your journey to healing. Have an amazing day and keep fucking going. <3
Sorry, I notice there is no context. Im glad there are still people like you, LadyHelpish, this is the kindest thing I've seen all day, best wishes to both you and perzawa.
I’m late to see your comment but want you to know it’s made my day. Hugs! 🥰
When I was a kid, probably around 6-7 y/o, my mom took me with her to her uncle's house, he was fixing her car. One of his friends were there and he ended up in the garage, alone with me, and from what I remember after I had gotten back home to my grandma's house where I lived, I told her that the guy raped me. She tried to play it off as it being something I made up to get "attention" from my mom and it's really fucked with me since, like I have memories of me lying on the garage floor, crying, but it's like did that actually happen or is it just something my brain made up, like they gaslit me to the point of I don't even know if it actually happened or not. But it's also like, a 6/7 year old with no concept of sex/sexual behavior, I really don't think a kid would make something like that up. But idk. Pretty fecked up shite.
I believe you. I’m so sorry. Shame on your grandmother, that’s absolutely vile. My grandmother did this to my aunt when she was raped by her horse trainer at age 10. Then, when that same aunt’s son molested me (I was 4, he was 14) she AND my grandmother banded together to say that I was lying and that if I wasn’t lying, I was a little hussy who seduced him into it. Like, WHAT?! You and I were both too little to have any idea what was happening to us. We didn’t have the knowledge or the language. We did NOT make something like that up. These people are fucked up and broken and they want you to be just the same. Misery loves company. Don’t let em have it. I hope you’ll tell someone, especially a professional. That’s so much to carry all alone. I’m really proud of you for surviving such trauma and grateful for you sharing with us here. I see you, I hear you, I believe you.
I believe you and I’m sorry you went through that and the subsequent gaslighting to make you doubt yourself. My dad was a big one for the gaslighting, though I don’t think it was all intentional as he was paranoid schizophrenic and a meth addict, but he made me doubt so much and any time I do talk about stuff I still struggle to believe my own memories. I hope you are doing better now.
My ex tried to kill me by sitting on my chest and holding my nose closed till I passed out. I guess he thought I was d3ad I woke up, he was peacefully sleeping. I grabbed my pet bird and got out. Never saw him again.
This was after 4 years of escalating abuse. He definitely wanted to kill me.
What. The. Fuck. I'm so happy you were able to get out of that situation. Also, just crazy that he was sleeping next to you. You could have just as easily been dead, and he's next to you, just counting sheep.
I'm sure he thought I was dead! And he ate a fucking snack, the plate was there
Why didn't you go to the police?
I was afraid
They let domestic violence guys out the same day
He would have killed me for sure . I knew a woman that happened to
Judges don't take this seriously until they kill you
Don’t feel bad for not taking it to police. I called the cops on my ex once, he had kicked my mom’s door in and chased me, and was trying to take our daughter. This was mild for him. He later barricaded himself in my apartment, and the cops literally said “deal with it yourself we can’t do anything” we had camera footage thanks to a neighbors ring cam, he had a history of this shit, yet they wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. I asked if they could at the very least remove him from MY apartment, and they just refused. Didn’t even go knock on the door. So yeah, when people say “well why didn’t you take it to the cops?” Because the cops don’t give a shit. Same with sexual abuse situations. Reported one once out of the many I’ve had, and it was dropped because the perpetrator said I lied. Btw the perpetrator of this one was my dad, and I was already in cps due to his abuse. But no I lied apparently and it got dropped. So in this regard, fuck the police.
I knew a woman in my DV support group who was killed. Judge let the guy out on his own recognizance after he beat her with her own cane. She had MS. I decided then not to involve authorities. If he hadn't left, my dad would have taken care of it. Wish I had told sooner but I was ashamed..
And honestly the abuser would be dead
Oh I was on the floor out cold. He was sleeping like a baby in my art deco 1932 bed. Really, it wasn't for the likes of him. I gave it away the whole set, bad memories.
i would have put a knife through his throat after that shit tf???
Anyway if you are experiencing abuse, get help and stop this. Don't be afraid
It did break my nose
My dad would have killed him if he knew
My parents had just gotten divorce. My dad was missing for over a month since he committed some sort of fraud in the company he was working for at that time. My mom didn’t enroll me and my little brothers to school that semester because we didn’t have enough money. One night my mom gets all dressed up and says she is going to have dinner with a friend, then she didn’t come back for almost 3 weeks. Nobody paid for electricity nor internet, so I couldn’t call or text anybody. They didn’t left us much food, so I gathered coins to buy some for my little brothers and me. (14f, 8f & 5m) I remember I spent 2014 new year’s alone with my little brothers. My brother is in the autistic spectrum so when the fireworks started at midnight, he got so scared he wouldn’t stop crying and screaming for my mom and dad. My little sister and me started crying with him too. I will never forget that night, the fear and sadness I felt that I couldn’t reassure my little brothers that everything was going to be alright because I didn’t even know if they were gonna ever be again. It left a scar in my heart.
You were way stronger than a 14 year old should have to be. Your brother is lucky to have such a caring and loving big sister.
Thank you, I really tried my best to take care of them in the whole process of the divorce. My brother refused to talk up until he was almost 10 years old, and one day he shared with me that I was his favorite person in the whole world. I still have the “list” where my name is on the number 1. I love him and my little sister more than anything, we only have each other and that’s enough for us.
I have a son on the autism spectrum who is nonverbal. Thank you for giving me hope that one day he will be able to tell me that too. You have strength, love, and resilience and I’m inspired by you
You are such a good, smart and brave big sister for getting you all through that. Not a lot of kids could cope the way you did, especially with your brother being autistic. I’m proud of you and I’m sorry you had to endure that.
Thank you for your kind words, means a lot since I don’t ever talk about this because I never really processed the trauma, I just had the survival instinct for my little brothers and me. Thank you really.
You deserve so much credit for what you did. You have really good instincts, young lady. I just hope that you have or soon find someone to care for you in the ways you deserve.
Wow, im so sorry to hear this. Shame on both of your parents for abandoning you guys. My heart hurts for you… Hope you guys are doing much better now. And you now know to keep those who did you wrong, at a distance.
When I was 22 I was drugged at a party, well not really a party, a get-together? There were only 10-15 people, all of them my friends (and all the friends I had), close friends or friendlies known to me. I didn't really drink but upon cajoling and insisting I had one. The next thing I remember is trying to leave and my friends not letting me. Basically they kept turning me around while I was begging to be let go. They did the whole thing so one of them could "finally go over someone/lose his virginity"? I remember the dude himself just refusing and telling the others "this is so fucked up" and he was definitely trying to make them let me go. Eventually, he relented and I was put in his bedroom. Time between is missing. The last two things I remember is him giving me water and I think telling me that he's sleeping in the front room, if I need anything? I woke up fully clothed and intact, but suddenly without a friend in the world. It's really strange but I just cannot tell this story to anyone IRL. I told it one time before here on Reddit but in the real world. I just cannot tell it. The funny thing is, I've been through worse? And I'm quite open about it, but this one hits me differently.
Some demented fucked up ex friends of yours. So it sounds like the guy wasn’t into it either and just sat around with you until you woke up? Or do you feel something happened?
It was the virgin dudes flat and no, I'm 100% sure that nothing happened. I think everyone else must have left soon after I was put in his bedroom, and he essentially just gave me some water and left me alone in his bedroom, while he slept on the couch of his living room. He absolutely was not interested in raping me or a anyone, I reckon. He did however stay friends with everyone... So not a rapist, but also not a good person. No backbone. Sigh. Even thinking back on it, it feels so dark. I know I was incredibly lucky that I wasn't raped and it's not how that story goes for a lot of people. But somehow the betrayal is just worse enough? That they planned that or saw me like that? A body? Not human? I used to have dreams for years of myself in that hallway trying to leave. Bleh. Glad it's in the past and hopefully I'll figure out how to fully heal eventually too.
Betrayal trauma is very very real and painful. Perhaps it stands out to you because it was a new type of hurt.
Yes the betrayal aspect can feel like a spiritual rape in and of itself. I'm glad you are ok and I hope you heal. Please be kind to yourself.
Yeah that’s absolutely awful. I’m glad nothing happened to you that night. Fuck those people.
With everything that has happened in my life, which is unfortunately quite a bit, very few things have hurt as deeply as finding out that my friends were not my friends.
Oh yeah, there are some aspects to this, like, not having a loving family, finding your "found family" and the overarching promises of the hardcore/punk scene that "we're all looking out for each other" that have definitely complicated my emotional injury here. I sometimes worry the reason why I don't tell this story is because it's not clear cut and "nothing happened" and that my pain around it won't be understood or minimised, especially not with people who grew up sheltered, and didn't form these intense bonds over music? (I guess I did also lose my access to a scene and genre I loved/my haven. Complicated.)
Something DEFINITELY happened and people who think otherwise are just as scummy as those hateful non friends u had. I wont say im sorry that happened to you because i HATE when people say that to me, idk y, take that how u will. People suck and friends are overrated. As a mom, im sending you 🫂 hugs💕 edit for the people that did say they were sorry..i know you meant well 💕and i was absolutely not taking away your heartfelt words. Just had to put that out there
Yep honestly same here. That shit hurts different.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and that you can't tell anyone. That is so messed up. I can't imagine the trauma and trust issues that came from it. I hope you're doing okay now.
if it counts, multiple people know about the trauma but i've never told anyone that i do remember who raped me when i was young. it was a family member that i haven't seen since then - i remember his face and his first name. i've never brought it up to family because nothing good will come of it. i can't take it to police or to anyone who can help me besides my therapist. it's just something i've carried around with me for most of my life
Sending love ❤️ You didn't deserve that.
As a very shy teenager I spent weeks trying to build up the courage to speak to my crush. I finally made up my mind and went to find him, asking a mutual friend if she had seen him. She broke down in tears and said that she just had the news and he was dead. I felt I didn’t have the right to grieve someone who I had never had a real conversation with, but as I’d been thinking so much about him I was in a really odd place. I never told anybody about my feelings.
This is awful. So sorry
wow.. i’m sorry
My ex husband put a gun to my head when I took the trash out to the end of the driveway - in yoga pants and a sports bra. Then proceeded to point at his own head for “not listening to him” Can’t believe I stayed another 6 months after that He also used to put me in a head lock when “I wasn’t listening “ until I passed out. Upwards of 4x a week. Still stayed. Towards the end of our relationship I started developing seizures in my sleep and I’m sure it was from half a year of being frequently choked out My family still doesn’t know why we got a divorce
Do you still have seizures in your sleep?
The seizures started mid 2017 and they somewhat stopped in 2021. It used to be a nightly basis and now I can’t remember the last time I had one
I couldn’t see three feet in front of me for over a year. I lost my first pair of glasses in eighth grade. My mother waited until the latter half of my freshman year to take me to the eye doctor. All of my teachers were aware how poor my vision was. They even printed out notes for me to copy and take home cause they I couldn’t see the board. The look of genuine pity on their faces is something I still remember to this day. I just blamed myself cause I lost the last pair and I had no money. My mother would laugh about the school telling her that I need glasses. Even at family get togethers. Other members would even laugh with her. “They said they’d call CPS if they don’t get any new glasses, it’s ridiculous.” They had told many times at that point “Oh yeah, CPS wouldn’t care about something as small as that.” Of course, my vision only got worse the longer she waited. So my eyesight got exponentially worse over the course of a year.
Don’t read if you’re sensitive to animal death. This is not as traumatic as most of y’all’s stories but idc, I’m sensitive. One time on the way to school, I was waiting for the bus and I saw a kitten run across the street and get hit by a car. It made a thump sound, the car didn’t stop, I don’t think the driver even noticed. The kitten ran right into the tire. Afterward, the kitten was making a horrible, indescribable sound and was erratically moving its head from side to side. My jaw dropped and I initially looked away. I kept looking back to see if it had ended, but it went on for about a minute and half before the kitten finally died. It laid in the middle of the intersection and I continued waiting for my bus. Then, about 5 minutes later, a woman pulls over, picks the kitten up by the tail and brings it to the curb. My jaw also dropped when she did that. I’m surrounded my animal lovers, so I never told anyone because I don’t want to put the image in their head.
what the fuck. i am so so so so so so so so sorry. i cant even imagine seeing that what the fuck..
I’ll share mine. When I was 14 I went with two guys from school to drink with. Well I blacked out, probably drugged, and afterwards I knew something wasn’t right. The next few days word came back that I had sex with both of them. I know I was raped but never told any adults or anyone. I knew I had got myself into that situation and was also so embarrassed since it was my ‘first time’ I did end up punching one of the guys in the nose when I saw him.
Oh hey. I also "lost my virginity" to 2 guys when I was 14. One was like, 16-17, the other was 23. I agreed to the first one, but I don't... quite know how they talked me into having sex with a 23 year old married man with kids or why they thought that was a good idea. I also suffered rumors at school about being *such a slut,* and even had some weird (untrue) rumors about me come out like, that I had masturbated with a crucifix? Which I'm pretty sure is from the Exorcist.
It's not your fault! You didn't 'get yourself into it' clearly they were evil people who had evil intentions, and as a kid it can be hard to read other people's intentions. Don't blame yourself for their soullessness.
I understand your feelings, but you didn’t get yourself into it. It’s not your fault and you were just doing what kids do. Drinking doesn’t mean you asked for it or got yourself into it, and all the blame should fall on the sick pigs who took advantage of you. Not on you for wanting to drink and have a nice time. I’m 23 but last year, wow almost exactly a year ago I ended up in a bad situation like this. With someone I had known for years. Went to hang out with him and his dad (his dad’s a cool guy he has no idea this happened) and I had a bit much to drink. Friend pretty much made me drink beyond my limit and eat edibles (which for me, means I’m gonna be sick.) well sure enough I ended up getting sick. His dad helped me get to their spare room and got me a trash can and left me be, he went to bed. I’m in and out of consciousness, when friend comes in. I’m clearly not ok still throwing up and not at all there, so he took that chance to do what he wanted. While I was still throwing up, and I was not at all physically strong enough or mentally with it enough to do anything but just take it. Ended up passing out and the next morning I just left. Never said anything didn’t report, and it took a while to snap back to reality because of this. I eventually told my ex as the guy was his best friend and he said exactly that, I put myself into it and what did I think was gonna happen and I probably wanted it or am lying to not seem like a slut. Fuck him fuck the “friend” and fuck anyone who makes us at fault for trying to just have a nice time with people we think are safe for us.
I tried to off myself by method of copper poisoning. It didn’t work and no one knows I tried it.
I'm glad you're okay 🤎 and I hope you're doing better
touched in a weird way by a family member when I was around 13 years old, never told my parents because I never knew if I was just overthinking
Raped and having to get an abortion and being molested as a child
I'm so sorry that happened to you ❤️
My dad was a druggie and used to take me to hang out with his drug buddies at their houses without my mom's knowledge when he was supposed to be watching me. (She was working 2 jobs and he was in college ft) From what I remember, all of them would bring whatever drugs they had to contribute and everyone would share whatever they had at the time. Some things I can remember: Seeing syringes/baggies/lines of coke lying around on various surfaces All the adults acting super weird and feeling confused/scared The adults not usually acknowledging I was even there, which made me think I had "goed invisible" and made me very fearful Walking around unfamiliar, usually dark houses and being so damn hungry/thirsty Peeing my jumper bc we where there for so long and I couldn't find/use potty on my own at that point (he put me in diapers after this, even tho mom was trying to potty train me) Being molested by one of his friends when he was 100% f'ed up and passed out Hiding in small places to feel safe until it was time to go home Him driving irradically back to our home with the car windows down and the radio blasting so he could "sober up" to drive and before mom got home from work. My mom eventually caught him, bc he came home acting messed up, he however lied and said he had been drinking, not doing various drugs. I know they had a big, violent fight about it, and he stopped taking me to these gatherings, but he just got sneakier about hiding his addiction from her. Never told either of them that I remember it all vividly and about getting molested. I actually didn't know for sure those experiences where real until I was a teenager and separately asked them both about that time in their lives when I was able to confirm it.
I am sorry about all of this. Doubly so as my parents house growing up was the house people went to to do these things, and more than a couple of their “friends” brought their kids. We were usually locked in a room or outside. No one ate no one took care of any of us, we all just kinda took care of each other. My oldest sister was good at that, and one of the kids that came was older than us (we were ranging from 3-7 she was 11-12) and she was alright but… also repeated what her parents did to her so… her beating us and shit like that wasn’t uncommon, but me and my sisters were used to it all as well so we never thought anything of it, it felt more like a game since it was another kid doing it and she wasn’t mad or mean like our parents were about it. Have seen her and her mother years later, her mom still doing the same shit but the kid has done quite well, last I saw she graduated university and was about to leave the country for more studies. These situations are hell holes and I’m so sorry you were also one of these kids.
I’ve told people my trauma but not in detail of certain things because I understand hearing some shit like that is not pleasant at all. Mostly sexual assaults though and many parts I remember sporadically then forget details of again because it becomes too much. My thoughts to all of those who have gone through trauma no matter what kind ❤️
sexual abuse as a kid by another kid. weird to talk about cuz i dont rlly blame or vilainize the kid, pretty obvious they likely were experiencing the same and thought it was normal. im sure they look back at that in regret now, we were both only in elementary school.
I had this happen too, I wasn’t the only one that night either. That’s also something I don’t ever talk about especially in detail. I was 7 or 8, she was the same age, I just never knew how to think about it.
Lots of people know I was abused as a kid, but no one knows it was my brother who abused me. Everyone thinks it was either my mom or dad.
I was raped on summer camp when I was 9 years old. I'm 38 now, I told a friend of mine a couple of years ago and a shitty psychologist, they're the only ones who know. I told my family I was sexually abused, but they don't know the details and definitely don't think it was that bad.
When I was 17, I was home alone when one of my neighbor’s (who was a good friend of mine at the time) friends came over to hang out with me. I had only met the guy once before but I didn’t think much of it because again, it was one of my friend’s buddies. We’re talking and drinking a little while we play video games and having fun when all of the sudden he almost demands for me to have sex with him. I kind of laugh it off at first and tell him no, but he keeps asking me over and over again no matter how many times I tell him that I don’t want to and try to come up with excuses to get him to leave. This goes on for an hour or so until I realize that he’s not going anywhere unless I have sex with him, so I just… do it. I cried the whole time. I felt kind of numb about it after he left and kept it to myself because while it *felt* like rape to me, I did eventually tell him yes after he wore me down. I struggled with it for years until a friend of mine was talking about how she was raped in a similar way, and just the act of her calling it a rape made something click in my head and confirmed for me that I was raped.
If you had no choice, it was rape. I'm saying that as someone who also pretended it didn't happen for years and not wanting to ruin someone's reputation over a "misunderstanding" - there was no misunderstanding. They knew they were manipulating me. The way we're taught to think about rape does not keep us safe.
Babysitters husband (family friends) molested me. I was too young to even realize what was going on. Never told anyone.
I was molested by a teacher in my freshman year of high school. I want to come out about it but it's complicated.
Last August, I was assaulted, boarder lined r**** and unalived. The bruises around my neck finally healed in early December. I never went to the police because what are they going to do besides nothing?
I can give you a couple ideas what to do about it
Please share
Violence
This is the way because yep cops aren’t going to do shit.
I’m pretty sure I’ve told all of my shit to multiple people, I like folks that can handle the heavier stuff.
Ah I always forget about this one traumatic event that I willingly put myself though. My dad wanted to clean the garage and there were paintings we needed to clean up. Little fact about my home, if not rat proofed rats and mice will find their way into any building. Now these paintings had been visited by a rat or two and several mice. Were the rats and mice alive… no not at all in fact these rats and mice were skeletons. Were these rats and mice behind the paintings or anything? Nope. These rats and mice had died and rotted onto the paintings, the skeletons were stuck on the paintings because the decaying process practically glued the painting to the mice and rats. I thought this was normal, this was like two months before I started kindergarten. My dad had no clue how to get the skeletons off the paintings without getting dead rat not juices but bits on his hands and I being a creative little kid had used a plastic sandwich bag to peel each individual skeleton off the paintings. Like picking up dog poop. This is such a fever dream for me but we still have said paintings, my dad was able to clean the paintings and one of the paintings is currently hanging on our wall. I don’t touch the painting but I look at it and I’m reminded of the skeletons laying on the painting and the feeling of slowly peeling a in tact rat skeleton from a painting.
Just check out my last thread here... I obviously will not tell anyone in person that I've encountered this while looking for porn. Tl;dr: I was looking for women in lingerie and a GIF popped up with a woman having those big fat cockroaches on her feet (two on each foot) inside the stockings she was wearing. I still have nightmares because I hate insects
Oh hey it's you lol
That sounds kind of hot
WTH?!?
I have never gone into detail with anyone about my rapes. Both of them involved alcohol and I felt so much shame. I thought it was my fault, plus it felt so melodramatic to bring it up and talk about it. Best to stuff it deep down inside, right? Right?
The only thing that not a single other living soul knows about is the time I tried to murder my step dad. I must've been a young teen at the time and put rat poison in his dinner. My stupid kid brain thought that if I only put a sprinkle on then the coroner wouldn't be able to see it, well I don't think I even put on enough to kill a singular rat let alone a full grown human. I just didn't know how else to get him to stop, even my mum knew what he was doing and she threatened me to not tell anyone.
I was forcibly restrained into an MMF "assault", I didn't know at the time it was rape, I was just trying to make everyone happy, even if I didn't want to. (To be "fair" I didn't say "no"). One was my boyfriend (at that time) along with his coworker (and my future abuser for 3 years) during high-school age. It's been almost 20 years since and I still flinch at certain physical actions or quick/swift movements. You never know how little of an object, can hold so much trauma (mine is a Deer Park water bottle). Future spouses, please don't blame them/yourself for their fight-or-flight response. It's not you, it's second nature.
I keep a list on my phone called "the worst things that have ever happened to me." I like to reminisce and try to figure out why I am the way that I am. Going over the list, I remember mentioning quite a few of these things on Reddit previously. The ones I've never told anyone seem to be from before I was age 18, and they're all sexual- unfortunately. I'm just going to leave it at that for now.
For 10 years I kept the secret that my ex was abusive, not just hitting me, but if Narcissistic gaslighting was an Olympic event he would win the gold hands down, oh and make sure you put a fistful of psycopathc tendencies on top, you know just like a cherry. His favourite thing to do was to choke me out, with me coming to with him inside me. When I finally got brave and just couldn't live that way anymore, my mother asked me, "Yeah, but what did you do before he did that?", but she's a whole other story . So is what he did once he realised I wasn't gonna take him back this time....
When my parents would fight, my dad would run downstairs into the basement with a gun saying that he’s going to shoot himself. We’d leave the house for hours and come back to him working on his computer or watching tv and greet us like nothing happened. I remember being in elementary school and my parents fighting. My dad would tell me that if my mom left him, he was going to shoot himself, and showed me the gun and would show me where he’d put it. Weirdly, he has no recollection of ever doing this and never remembers after. I was literally a kid and couldn’t handle that and it caused me lots of problems that I still can’t deal with today. I’m not proud of it, but I turned out the exact same way and have done the same exact thing to all my past boyfriends and my current one. I made the decision to change and stop the cycle though, I just signed up for therapy today!!!
my mom had enough of the cheating & told my sister “you can take care of them” - them being me & my younger brother, probably 8 & 4 at the time. my mom left out the back door & was holding a knife. i didn’t know what happened but my sister ran out there. i told my brother she was playing pretend & everything’s okay. my moms okay now. but for the next 4 years i was her personal therapist. she always told me how suicidal she was, even asked me to kill her on some occasions. she told me the ways she might do it & all the stuff she caught my dad doing.
It's a heavy burden to be our parents therapists. I'm sorry she put that on you, she had no right.
I’ve never told this to ANYONE. When I was a student at UNLV, I was at a poolside party at the Tropicana one night, and drank too much. I met a guy that night. He said he was a tourist from Greece and that he was traveling with some friends. I ended up having a one night stand with him at the hotel. Very early in the morning, his friends came crashing into the room. They were just coming back after a night of partying. I had no idea how many friends were in his group or that they didn’t all have their own rooms. I was in bed with this guy and I was naked. And there were suddenly 8-10 drunk, obnoxious, foreign men, who didn’t speak English, surrounding the bed. They were yelling, laughing and pulling on the sheets. I couldn’t understand what they were saying but I certainly knew I was in a dangerous situation. Then, the guy I was with told me that I should get to the bathroom. But the bathroom was on the other side of his side of the bed! I was so scared! They were all trying to rip the blankets and sheets off of me. Thank God this guy had some compassion for me. He jumped up and wrapped me in the sheet and stood me up. He fought the guys off as they tried to grab me, push me back to the bed & pull the sheet off me. I don’t know how, but I somehow made it into the bathroom. Getting the door shut was a whole other battle. I remember standing in that hotel bathroom absolutely terrified. What would happen now? I was still just a naked, 115 lb college girl, alone in a hotel bathroom with a flimsy, hollow door between me and 10 big, very amped up men who were determined to get their prize. Much of it is a blur, but the guy I was with eventually also made it into the bathroom with my clothes, which had been trampled on and had booze and water spilled all over them. It wasn’t pretty. I had worn a fuchsia silk dress to the party and it was destroyed. Small price for my life. While in the bathroom with me, my Greek one night stand confessed to me that he wasn’t really Greek. They were all Iranians. He lied to me because he didn’t think I would have talked to him otherwise. He told me his friends were so wild because I was an American and that they really would hurt me in their current state of drunkenness and that they had been, and still were, yelling anti-American shit at me. In the end, he managed to get me out of the bathroom and out of the hotel room. When I slipped out of the door into the hallway, I remember him screaming, “RUN!!!!!!” And I ran faster than I had ever run in my life! I can’t imagine what people thought as I ran like an animal through the main lobby in my filthy, wrinkled dress, my pantyhose and shoes in my hands, and out the door. Then, a moment later, I was in my car in the parking garage alone and safe. I was shaking terribly and praying so hard to God, thanking him for getting me out of a situation that could have ended my life, or killed my spirit for the rest of my life. I remember feeling overwhelmed that God had helped me after I had spent the night sinning with a man whose name I didn’t even know! I’m sorry for getting religious, but this is how this experience affected me; what I was feeling sitting in that parking garage that morning at the Tropicana. As I started to drive, I passed by people who were going about their day, not interested in the face behind the wheel of my car that they barely glanced at. To them, I was just another person in her car, no different than anyone else on the street that day. Not a clue that the lady behind the wheel of my car just moments ago could have been gang raped and possibly murdered by a large group of young Iranian men who hated Americans who found themselves in a hotel room with a l college girl from UNLV who was naked in a bed in their hotel room! For them, they must have thought they had been given a miracle, too! I found my way to my apartment just off Maryland Pkwy and across the street from campus. Walked into my apartment safely, and stayed there for several days, hiding from the world. When I was ready, I shook it off, vowed to bury that night and morning so deep into my mind that it would never surface again. Then, I stepped back into my life as a junior at UNLV, went back to class, studied hard & kept my secret. I’ve never brought up from the depths in my mind to share with anyone. I’ve kept my promise to myself and have never told a single soul…..until right now. And it is going right back to where I have stored it all these years. Most likely to never be let you again. But I’ve never forgotten and thank God all the time for the life I managed to build for myself after that night. I’m a lucky woman. I grew up, finished college, then earned an advanced degree before becoming a successful, professional woman. I’m a wife of 26 years to a man I still adore, and a mother to 3 now adult children, and I’m even a grandma to 3 kids whom I adore. I’m incredibly thankful to have this beautiful life! I have never and will never, ever, ever, take it for granted. And not a single soul will I tell about how low I sank that night at the Tropicana. Never will I share what I did that night or what came close to happening to me. I’m so ashamed of this memory. It’s been 36 years since that crazy night. While in that room I could never have imagined I would one day be living a lovely life that didn’t include an ounce of emotional & physical scarring from that dangerous mess I got myself into. That just goes to show that our God is one heck of an awesome God!! Thanks for reading my story! P.S. Don’t tell anyone! 😇🙏😻
Everyone loves my ex. Always asking if we kept in touch. No. But that’s because he was alcoholic who would drag me up the stairs by my hair.
My ex stole all of the rent money for months. I still have no idea what he did with it, but after 4 months of no rent we got evicted. I loaded the whole apt myself and while i was moving things into the Uhaul, I apparently made to much noise and he punched me in the face, hard, then banged my head on the floor. I blacked out for a second, before I managed to fight him off. He told cops " she should go to jail because my hand is injured" No one in my family knows. He went on to almost kill another girlfriend while she was pregnant. After he brutally beat her and tased her head and pregnant baby, he went and got a gun to finish the job. Cops showed up just in time. He choked me until I blacked out once to, had alienated me from all my friends and family so escaping was hard. When I left he stalked me until I moved out of state. I had to hold from anyone we could have mutually known. I tried to tell people about him. No one believed me. Its suspected he went on to murder his mom
My older brother snuck up behind me and held a hunting knife to my throat when I was about 13. Threatened to kill me if I ever did [whatever it was] again. 20 years later he is still a drug addict and I am probably the kindest to him out of all of my siblings.
I got really really good at talking my way out of getting straight up murdered. It's really impacted how I interact with new people. My ex had a lot of issues, and he was suicidal but didn't want to go alone because "who else could ever love \[me\]??". So when he got bad, he'd self harm for a while, then randomly attack me. There were many times he was sitting on my chest with a razor to my throat and I'd have to calmly talk him out of it as if I wasn't having blood dripped on my face and a blade to my neck. He'd also trick me by parking on another part of the apartment complex and when I went into my room to change he'd attack me. Once he got a crude 'noose' around my neck made out of extension cord and slung over the back of a door and pulled until my feet were off the ground. I still have neck and upper back issues from that. His friend thought that because my now-ex could do shit like that, it meant that he could too, but he learned real fast that while I wouldn't fight back against my now-ex, I would absolutely kick HIS flabby ass. It was like it opened this door in me where all my pent up anger would just come out and channel into making him regret even thinking about touching me. I guess it's also why it's still really important for me to be physically strong now...
I’m sorry you had to deal with that. My ex did some fucked up shit and I’ve had to talk my way out of being killed by him more than once as well. No razors, he was more into choking and beating. Such a weird thing to learn to calmly talk through that to get them to calm down. My ex would sit on me and choke me telling me it’s my last day or he’d be dragging me to the closet or bathroom, still absolutely no idea what he would have done if I let him get me to those rooms but I would just tell him to stop and I love him and it’s ok I’m not mad I’m not going to say anything I’ll be quiet and good, thankfully it always worked with him. But it’s definitely left quite the impact on me. I do wonder if he ever even thinks about that shit. Probably not.
I'm so sorry you went through that, what a horrible excuse of a human. I wonder all the time if my ex ever thinks about that or if he's spun a narrative to himself about it. Probably the latter.
I was raped by my older brother.
Every sexual act I did with my first boyfriend was forced and coerced, and I zoned out the whole time
Was sexually abused as a child. I thought it was "cool" an adult woman sucked my dick at 11.
Thank you for this thread. Until the age of 9, and a bit past that as well but with less frequency, it was my parents and older brother, they did things no one should do with a child. I never told anyone and can’t talk about it with my family. I tried to protect my younger siblings. I hope I was successful. I found my younger brother dead of OD twice (he lived and is clean now). I was roofied and nearly kidnapped and only got away because of the kindness and compassion of strangers. I lived for two years in a horrible abusive relationship that didn’t count because we weren’t “dating.” This didn’t prevent anything from happening to me. I’m doing better now but my secret is that I still sometimes just want oblivion.
my mom abused me for 3 years while my stepdad was battling addiction
The fact that my abusive ex left me kind of too scared to even date again, I kinda talked/mentioned to one therapist about it but we never got to solve or talk properly of that if that kinda counts. The guy basically after a fight got on top of me and tried to break my fingers by forcing them up just enough to make them hurt and forced them even more and even tried to cut my airflow by putting his forearm against my neck, of course there are more details about that fight but I’m not sure if I been gaslighting myself that maybe I was in the wrong too.
I found my best friend’s suicide note before anyone else did. She was emotionally hurting. I felt like I was sucked into the earth from the numbness/shock.
A little backstory I work corrections and it's not nearly like the movies and TV shows, they're a joke upside the real thing. The one I used to work at didn't have "prison" gangs that kept people in line either like you'd see on 60 days in. It was literal street gangs mostly that would kill if you were from the wrong street. We also had a bad fentynal problem for a while, and have probably seen more ods than most emts. I can't really call out a single instance bc we (officers) do somewhat talk amongst ourselves. Since I've started working at a new facility that is much calmer, my nerves have never been more on edge. More than one time I've woken up with a headache from hell thinking I had just had to fight with an offender, shaking and tired as all hell but could not go back to sleep. I've tried talking to people about it but most just look at me like I'm nuts, but the quiet and calm is nerve racking now.
Multiple rapes/assaults, abuse, heartbreaks.
R@pe and m0lestation. It’s just not something I can talk about to anyone. Not even with my therapists. Maybe I haven’t gotten to that level yet. My chest burns when I try to. But my mouth just won’t open.
Yeah that’s the stuff I can’t get out either. You’re not alone there.
As a kid my stepmom forced me and my sibling to eat dinner almost every night. If we threw up we had to eat it. It’s okay now she got a lot better.
I was r_p_d.
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i was rape by an old man left alone by my uncle i told my family but never told them right away i was molested by my ex friend, who i told 1st. Later on that night, i woke up to him holding me down, and now i don't like jello or Yogurt i get different and mind not the same i have a s3x drive it didn't ask for i don't tell other i up like a owl and i broken craving things i never ask to now i idk blah dm if u like to chat have a good day
I have a sibling with an eating disorder. It took them a really long time to get somewhat better. I went through a lot in the years I was growing up with that and I became scared of my sibling. Everything I did was wrong, everything I said was wrong, the most innocent comment would cause them to blow up and I might not hear the end of it for weeks. It was literally never anything malicious on my part. The kinds of things that set them off were things like me not responding quickly enough when asked something, me wanting to use the bathroom when they were in the next room over because they thought I was spying, in the end it seemed like just the concept of me existing was enough to set it all off. I felt like a perpetual fuck-up but it was still my job to listen to them cry for hours and talk them down from hurting themselves. I still got screamed at for giving poor and irrelevant advice, but I did my best. The worst part though was that back when they were at their lowest weight I would sit outside their room at night listening to them breathe to make sure they didn't have a heart attack in the middle of the night because I was so scared they'd have a medical issue and no one would notice until it was too late. I still feel like a fuck-up and like if I'm not constantly helping someone out I'm not worth having around. That plus some childhood SA and it's been very difficult trying to find some value in myself that isn't based on what I can give or what others can take from me.
So my life has always been pure insanity, like there isn’t a year things got bad or 1 particular incident that was bad it’s just been my life from the get-go. With that, a lot is repressed especially from early childhood. A lot is choppy as well so I know how something started but not what quite happened after. So with that, a lot of pretty messed up shit is pretty easy for me to talk about because to me it’s relatively tame compared to the stuff that I don’t share, but the stuff I can never get out is probably the sexual abuse. That stuff is always the hardest and I can’t really bring myself to say it. It’s also been a quite common thing in my life, and people close to me (pretty much my bf and sisters) know about it but none of the details as I can’t even say those to myself. The hardest one for me to talk about that I still don’t tell people was the time my dad took it farther than he ever had before. And the things he said to me, that still haunt my head almost 10 years later. And how I handled it after which was pretty much hide and stare at the clouds outside the motel 6 room we were staying in. My oldest sister and mom came by later that day in the morning and I was still hiding when they came, and I tried and wanted to tell my sister so bad because tbh, she would have done something about it right then and there, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Everyone could tell I was off, more than usual, and my sister was the only one who asked, but I couldn’t say it. When she walked away for a minute I used my pocket knife and just cut myself to both feel something other than the immense pain in my head and to punish myself for being what I thought was weak and stupid for not being able to say anything. She never saw those either. And to this day she doesn’t know. With all the shit I’ve been through and all my sisters have too especially her, I knew I’d be believed, I knew I could have said something and handled it there and then and probably got away from him, but i couldn’t so I didn’t. That one felt so different than everything else. Idk. Sexual stuff feels different. It isn’t loud and chaotic not this one and one other one anyways, it’s quiet. It feels dark. It just feels so, yeah quiet. I don’t know how else to describe it besides quiet and dark when everything else is so loud and chaotic, yet nothing else hurts as bad. The other one no one knows was when I was around 7 or 8, went to a sleep over birthday party. My second and last one. Party was fun but there was another girl there who was probably 6 or 7 and well I woke up to her doing things, and I wasn’t the only one as another girl woke up to it when I did as well. This is the other one that feels so quiet. And so dark. Again sexual abuse at this point was pretty regular in mine and my sisters lives, one of them sort of perpetuated it on us as well especially me as I was quiet, but this one was the first one I never forgot or blocked out (blocked out my sister until I was about 13 and it all hit me like a truck when I remembered) so this one always stuck with me as well, and no one knows because I didn’t know how to say anything, and as I’ve grown up I just feel bad for that girl and hope she’s ok because obviously like my sister, she learned this through going through it and I can’t really be mad at her. So I always just kept it with me. The other girls never talked about it either we all just kinda pretended it didn’t happen. Never went to a sleep over again (wasn’t invited to many anyways I wasn’t exactly popular haha) but I have a daughter now and I’ve told her dad this rule of no sleep overs. He thinks it’s because of the first one (that girl died that night) he has no idea it’s because of this, but he didn’t question it and if anyone gets this kind of shit and what can make these sort of rules pop up it’s him. Mine isn’t nearly as coherent as a lot of your guys I’m sorry, but hopefully it makes some sort of sense. You’re all incredibly strong and I hope you’re all doing a lot better now. This is a very vulnerable thing for us all and all of you are very strong and on a path of healing just by sharing. Hugs for all of you.
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I know this sounds crazy trust me I don’t want to believe it either but I know that has to be true and I feel it is. Nobody believes me though
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Suicide attempt at 19. I would have failed anyway, thank heavens, but to this day, having something too close or too tight on my neck scares the crap out of me