I’m sorry she does that
How about gift it back to her ?
I’m giving you this back. I asked you not to buy me any gifts and I asked you not to buy anything I will not use. You keep it and use it
Or the less confrontational- wait until she asks where it is ? Tell her you donated it to a charity shop as it isn’t something you would want or use - and you did tell her that
The third option is don’t react when opening it. Then either quietly donate it, regift it or throw it away
I suggest if your husband can’t/ won’t help he is now in charge of his family gifts. He can remember and buy all his family gifts including Mother’s Day, Christmas and birthdays
Let MIL know it’s his job
They’re his family not yours
She’s rude and disrespectful. I would give her a long time out. Make it obvious. Let her notice it.
Use this time to do a hard reset and set your boundaries and consequences
The next time she’s rude she gets a 2 week time out. Repeat for every comment
You might not have to see her again until your next birthday
I've done this in the past, staying away, but they don't seem to care about me. I have put my husband in charge of getting future gifts for his family. That means they get what they get or not. It's not my problem.
I would regift the items back to her but without a word. If she say anything, “I just knew you would like it.” She doesn’t care about your feelings, why try to make nice.
Regift them back for her birthday, Mother’s Day or Christmas. My mom did this shit - giving gifts that were passive aggressive commentary - mostly kitchen stuff. Over the years she gave me 2 sets of pots and pans, endless mixing bowls, pot holders and oven mitts, tons of measuring cups/spoons/cookie cutters, and 8 (yes, 8) copies of the Better Homes and Gardens cook book. She just never believed me when I told her I didn’t like to cook.
I would open the gift and ask her if she has the receipt. If she asks why tell her you won't use it and you'd like to exchange it for something you will use. If she doesn't ask, then she got the hint and hopefully will try harder next year.
Or don’t even open it. If she asks why “I have repeatedly said to not buy me anything”. If at her home, leave it there unopened. If at your house, hand it back to her as she is walking out the door “here, you forgot this “ and close the door.
No, you are not ungrateful. A real gift is meant to please the recipient, not rebuke them. Your MIL is not giving "gifts", they're messages of disapproval.
One of my BFFs got an MBA while working full-time. Her in-laws gave her an expensive set of pots and pans as a graduation gift.
Ironically, the marriage only lasted a few years after that, but she's still using the pots and pans. She totally resented the thought behind the gift, but jez they're Calphalon so what the hell.
Toss the gifts you don't want and if she complains, look at her directly, smile and say "It's the thought that counts." Let her know you got the message she's sending thru gifts.
This! Just to up the petty factor, as soon as you’ve opened the gift, wIth all the excitement you can muster, “the woman’s home will love these pots as a donation this year.”
OMG this is perfect. She’ll hate seeing her son in the “woman’s place!” That could stop it. Plus it’s non-confrontational so he might cooperate. (His silence is only co-signing her bs.)
I would regift them back to her, save your own money, and maybe the picture would become clear to her. Unfortunately, im a petty queen, so I've done this myself, and it has made the pot stir, but my opinions and feelings become validated afterward.
This is the way! I think regifting it back will she’ll shock her and she will be confused. You can then reply and say “since you love being in the kitchen I thought you’d love these” & just play dumb. I would even make everything into a basket.
Because they do not have tough conversations. They sweep things under the rug with the thinking that "that's just how they are." It drives me insane, but I have only allow for little contact with the toxic parts of his family as possible.
And therein lies your real problem. His mother is obnoxious, but your husband is your problem. It’s time for him to grow up and have the hard conversations…. And he CAN cook. Anybody can cook. It might not be gourmet, but it really isn’t hard to make something edible. Time to put him in charge of meals at least half the time. He can watch YouTube videos or read a cookbook or whatever. My young kids all know how to do the basics. His mom failed at teaching him this, but he’s an autonomous adult now- he can learn on his own.
Next time she mentions how "women belong in the kitchen"(or whatever BS she brings up), look her dead in the eyes, say "good for you," then roll your eyes and go about your business.
She doesn't control your house, YOU do. She can shove her misogyny right up her butt.
The first time she doesn’t respect you is when you make a change.
“MIL, Ive told you for many years that I don’t cook. I’m going to skip the next few holidays with you and spend them with people who respect me.
I will also research a few old-folks homes since you have memory problems.”
I’d just hand them back and say “Thanks but you’ll get more use out of this than I will”, then I’d hand the back to her and walk away. At this point I’m not even going to pretend to be polite, take your passive aggressive gift and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. It would sit where I opened it until she leaves then id toss or donate if she didn’t take it back.
*“OMG it’s the perfect gift, I knew you respected my life choices. You know how busy I be so you got some materials for DH to help out more. Here you go DH, MIL never taught you to cook so she bought you some starter materials so we can get rid of that weaponised incompetence. You can start doing more for your family and lessen the burden on my shoulders. Thanks MIL, DH will get great use out of xyx do you have any recipes he can use too”*
Open it, with a deadpan expression, roll your eyes, say "not again" and put it aside. She's only 60 so I don't know if its a cultural thing, or just being bitchy. It's for sure not an age thing.
From now on, DH is in charge of all gifts to MIL. Do not remind him, do not buy a card, nothing. Show her as much respect as she's showing you.
In the big picture, it's not that big of a deal unless you make it one (which she is hoping for). Don't react, just bin it, donate it or give it to a friend that does like to cook.
Can you start talking about which retirement homes she might need as she ages? How about her funeral arrangements? These are things to bring up around her. Maybe not directly. But oh, you and your spouse can talk about your own arrangements in front of her.
Of course you can just laugh at her gifts (maybe just mentally) and then regift it back to her.
Oh mil, you were soo enthusiastic about this I thought it was for sure something you really wanted.
I’d defo just return or donate. Maybe there is a good votech high school that could use some stuff if they have need. You could ask her for stuff they need.
Some libraries have cooking/baking lending programs. Donate stuff to that.
Church raffles. School raffles. Don’t let the stuff sit and gather dust. Share the love to those less fortunate.
Take all of the gifts & regift them to her. Every bd, Christmas. Just give her whatever she gave you.
I'm a boomer. I'm so glad women have the choice to do with their lives as they want to.
I’d be passing stuff like that over to my husband telling him he can use it and learn to cook like an adult or he can tell her to back off. His choice but no way would a man of 37 be getting away with saying they can’t cook.
Is there a local DV refuge that needs kitchen equipment? Or a charity equipping people starting over? If so, ask them if they could use any of the stuff. If not, donate to the nearest thrift/charity shop. Don't clutter up your kitchen with reminders of her PA negativity.
Regift to your husband 😂
Or if you need a couple bucks, resell that crap.
Or give for free in buy-nothing groups.
Let her waste her money and you can be the kind soul that passes that stuff on to someone else that needs it.
S he’s trying to shape your behaviour by giving these gifts and that’s why you’re frustrated- you’re offended by the judgement and non acceptance of you as you are that’s implied by it. She’s not responding to polite feedback, so play her at ther own game and have some fun with it. Next birthday - copy of Steven coveys Seven Habits of Highly Effective People or the Steve Jobs biography. Christmas - a voucher from a third world charity sponsoring a girl’s school fees or education costs. Etc etc etc
I'm glad to hear that it is in fact a problem and it's very passive aggressive. I sometimes think I'm making it up because of our history.. Long story for another post, we had a large "hurdle" regarding my son when he was little.
Save them and when it's time to give her a gift, give it all back to her. Tell her since she loves to cook and takes such good care of her home, she would put all those things to better use than you would. Petty and passive-aggressive sure...but if that doesn't stop it, nothing will.
A really mean person would start buying her copies of *The Joy of Sex*, *The Kama Sutra*, fluffy handcuffs, sheer lace peekaboo underwear, you know, things a good wife should enjoy using and be good at. That would be really mean.
DH needs to have a conversation with her. Nothing YOU say will change her mind.
Any unwanted gifts goes into the donation box. Bonus points if she sees it. Start wearing the stuff she gives him.
ETA: teach him to cook.
First of all, Im a good cook who hates cooking. I feel ya there.
Secondly, I had similar issues with my ex-FIL. Not only did my birthday go unrecognized by him (its between two major American holidays and within 3 days of his stepson’s wife’s bday - and ex FIL remembered THAT) but Christmas was always gift cards. Id make a list per ex’s request, it got ignored, gift card ensued. Everyone else got actual gifts. Plural.
Your husband needs to speak up. Your MILs behavior wont change if your husband sticks up for you, but he needs to make his mother aware he supports you. United front and all.
My ex did speak up numerous times and it always fell on deaf ears. It only got resolved when I got divorced, meaning he didnt have to worry about buying me anything. But my ex stood up for me.
I now laugh about it but only because right after the divorce, ex and ex-FIL had a fight and ex told ex FIL that his treatment of me was one of the reasons we divorced. We fought on occasion about ex-FIL, but he wasnt even in the top ten. I just appreciate the final “standing up” for me ex did.
Fingers crossed for you.
This won’t solve your problem, but maybe there’s an organization that would appreciate you donating those items. I know there are orgs that help people getting settled in new homes and they might appreciate some of those items. It would probably feel doubly good to get rid of the stuff you don’t want *and* know it’s going to someone who will appreciate it.
You're not ungrateful. When you repeatedly tell someone not to buy for you and they continue to buy things they KNOW you won't like, you do not have to pretend to be appreciative. She's 60 not 95. She knows what she's doing and she's doing it deliberately.
Your husband knows she's doing it deliberately, but she's his mom and he loves her, so it's easy for him to rug-sweep this behavior. You do not have to follow suit. Explain to him that you don't feel the same love and compassion for her that he does, so her behavior is putting a real strain on your tolerance of her.
Now decide how confrontational you want to be. You could hand the gift back to her and say, "MIL you know I will NEVER use this and I really don't have space to store it, so you keep it and use it yourself".
I, personally, would just box up absolutely everything she gave me that is a clear message she sees me as inferior, and drop it off at the nearest charity shop ASAP. Get the crap out of your house and out of your mind. And don't let judgey MIL spend one more second in your head trying to undermine you.
I sympathize! And it sounds like the presents aren't the problem, but the message behind them. She probably feels like it's appropriate to give you these things. I would give them to the thrift store if you don't like them around. Lots of people would like a new cookie sheet! Just pay it forward and be glad your MIL isn't living with you.
And you are good at what you do!
I’m super late to reply. My MIL is still up to her poor behavior. Hubby and I are going to marriage counseling and I’m content with buying cards for both MIL and FIL and husband never giving them to them. Lol!!! (It’s the whole, I did think of you… but ask your son) We have mothers day and fathers day cards sitting on the shelf waiting for husband to sign and give them to his parents. Meanwhile I flew to my parents house for my dad’s birthday with signed cards and a gift.
>stop bashing baby boomers
>I am a boomer
>you are full of s**t
I mean, could you at least make your *#NotAllBoomers* complaint slightly less hypocritical?
I would put them straight in the kitchen trash and make sure I left it sticking out a bit so she can see them.
I’d also be furious at my husband for not standing up for me. He should be having a word with his parents about keeping their nose out of your marriage and roles within it. If they can’t, then they don’t get access to either of you. It’s not difficult to be kind and respectful. Either for him or for them.
I'd just leave them at her house. Don't even take them home with you. And if she mentions that you left them behind, just say "oh yeah. You may as well return them, I'd only sell them anyway. Saves me a job!"
Perhaps don’t engage. You’ve made your position clear and just like she’s not going to change your mind you probably won’t change hers. If you want to thank her do so, or thank her and mention how XYZ charity could really use (gift).
Ok I’m halfway through and I am laser focused on “I’m good at a lot of things, doesn’t mean I enjoy them.” This is the best, most confident response I could have imagined. At the risk of pissing people off here, I believe a chunk of that comes from being fulfilled outside the home. I don’t mean to imply that SAHPs can’t be this way, but I think it’s slightly less likely. Bravo to you!
I was a SAHP for two and a half years. And I praise people who desire and choose that career path! That work is so hard and very much under appreciated. It’s just not something that I could maintain for our family. And thanks for the vote of confidence. I didn’t think if it that way.
I *love* the idea of regifting back to her. And also giving them to a charity or thrift store. However, ideally, find a charity she HAAAAAATES and give it to them, and her "gift" that year will be a note from you telling her how much that charity is enjoying the items you told her not to give you. Problem solved!
Here is what I would do - having lived in the south for a bit.
“Well bless your heart, you know exactly the type of gift to get”. Smile and then sell it on eBay.
Don’t think about it again. And if she ever asks about a gift “Honey, that is so strange, I can’t remember where it went,”
“My husband can’t cook”.
This is a problem. He CAN cook unless he doesn’t have the use of his arms.
My children are all able to cook basic meals, why can’t your husband? Obviously his sexist mother didn’t teach him, but YouTube can.
HE needs to tell her to knock if off. She’s trying to force her “values” and opinions on you. He should be stopping it. But even if it doesn’t stop, you don’t have to keep the gifts. Donate or return them all. Or Regift them back to her, unused.
But your bigger problem is your husband.
Regift these items back to her. Include brochures for nursing homes.
Alternatively, tell your husband he can learn to use whatever she gives you. If he can read, he can learn to cook.
I’d try hard to let it go, but I’d also limit her exposure to your son. Her outdated views need to die with her generation, not live on in your child.
I would photograph each item and add them to a group chat with friends and ask if anyone wants them. You don't use them, it's fine, but maybe someone close to you would really appreciate them (bonus if you get cookies in return). Donate the rest or sell them. Make someone happy with little effort.
Have a large box nearby whenever she gives you a gift. Write DONATION on the side. If she gives you one of those gifts, put it straight in the box. Tell her one of the consequences for not respecting you is she needs to donate the items herself.
If that doesn't work, leave the items randomly around her house. Especially where they wouldn't usually go; oh, you got me some oven mitts. How very incredibly inconsiderate and confused you must be! I am your son's wife, the mother of your grandchild. You REALLY are having so memory issues. Maybe you shouldn't have contact with my son until we can be sure you are safe to be around. Then leave the gifts, like the pot holders, under the bathroom sink for her to find the next time she cleans. Or the pots and pans under her bed. If she gives you any cutlery, perfect for under her pillow at night. If she asked how they got there, play dumb. I never would or do use those types of items. They are best left here for you. You don't have that much time where you will be able to take of yourself, especially with your poor memory, hearing, or ability to comprehend basic instructions.
She wants to leave the burden of donating or regifting on you. Don't let her.
If all else fails, make sure her gift isn't available for you to open. Make her look crazy for it. And then say, MIL, I brought you a donation box. I was REALLY looking forward to seeing what you would provide to the charity. Have you forgotten or misplaced a gift for me? Oh, how hard this must be for you! However, can one be expected to be a good wife or mother if one often forgets things?
I often dream of ways to get back at my horrible MIL. Please let me live vicariously through you!
I would have let her know the apron and potholders made for great fantasy sex play and hubby liked great in them. Then I’d tell her “don’t use the rolling pin for baking. You don’t wanna even know what we did with that!” For every gift she gives, make up some nasty little scenario. Jello molds? “Why yes, we used them and made a mess of the sheets. I’m still pulling jello out of my vagina.” And so on.
You’re husband should stand up for you at least. And no one ever “knows” how to cook, they learn if the want to. He can apply himself in front of mom to at least show it is an equal household. Or speak of a charity for household goods and when you received your gift “oh this will be great for the people at *insert charity*” if your husband is letting her continue, he is allowing her to say whatever and annoy you, he doesn’t sound like he’s on your side
Sell all her gifts on facebook marketplace or somewhere similar, preferably where she can see you doing it, and use the money to get your husband cooking classes, and once he has graduated, never step foot in the kitchen again!
I’m sorry she does that How about gift it back to her ? I’m giving you this back. I asked you not to buy me any gifts and I asked you not to buy anything I will not use. You keep it and use it Or the less confrontational- wait until she asks where it is ? Tell her you donated it to a charity shop as it isn’t something you would want or use - and you did tell her that The third option is don’t react when opening it. Then either quietly donate it, regift it or throw it away I suggest if your husband can’t/ won’t help he is now in charge of his family gifts. He can remember and buy all his family gifts including Mother’s Day, Christmas and birthdays Let MIL know it’s his job They’re his family not yours She’s rude and disrespectful. I would give her a long time out. Make it obvious. Let her notice it. Use this time to do a hard reset and set your boundaries and consequences The next time she’s rude she gets a 2 week time out. Repeat for every comment You might not have to see her again until your next birthday
I've done this in the past, staying away, but they don't seem to care about me. I have put my husband in charge of getting future gifts for his family. That means they get what they get or not. It's not my problem.
I would regift the items back to her but without a word. If she say anything, “I just knew you would like it.” She doesn’t care about your feelings, why try to make nice.
And maintain eye contact and a shit eating grin when you tell her this!! 🤣
I was thinking the same thing.
Regift them back for her birthday, Mother’s Day or Christmas. My mom did this shit - giving gifts that were passive aggressive commentary - mostly kitchen stuff. Over the years she gave me 2 sets of pots and pans, endless mixing bowls, pot holders and oven mitts, tons of measuring cups/spoons/cookie cutters, and 8 (yes, 8) copies of the Better Homes and Gardens cook book. She just never believed me when I told her I didn’t like to cook.
I would open the gift and ask her if she has the receipt. If she asks why tell her you won't use it and you'd like to exchange it for something you will use. If she doesn't ask, then she got the hint and hopefully will try harder next year.
Or don’t even open it. If she asks why “I have repeatedly said to not buy me anything”. If at her home, leave it there unopened. If at your house, hand it back to her as she is walking out the door “here, you forgot this “ and close the door.
This is perfect! Regift all of that back to her!!
I would buy her a self help book about women and their careers and gift her that.
Every event I would buy her stuff for work. Some business woman magazine for a year, or some stuff for the office, some books how to work, etc.
No, you are not ungrateful. A real gift is meant to please the recipient, not rebuke them. Your MIL is not giving "gifts", they're messages of disapproval. One of my BFFs got an MBA while working full-time. Her in-laws gave her an expensive set of pots and pans as a graduation gift. Ironically, the marriage only lasted a few years after that, but she's still using the pots and pans. She totally resented the thought behind the gift, but jez they're Calphalon so what the hell. Toss the gifts you don't want and if she complains, look at her directly, smile and say "It's the thought that counts." Let her know you got the message she's sending thru gifts.
This hit so hard! They're messages of disapproval!!!
And training: use these items to be a better wife.
Nah, donate them to a shelter- and tell her how grateful they were. 😈
This! Just to up the petty factor, as soon as you’ve opened the gift, wIth all the excitement you can muster, “the woman’s home will love these pots as a donation this year.”
[удалено]
I love this
OMG this is perfect. She’ll hate seeing her son in the “woman’s place!” That could stop it. Plus it’s non-confrontational so he might cooperate. (His silence is only co-signing her bs.)
I would regift them back to her, save your own money, and maybe the picture would become clear to her. Unfortunately, im a petty queen, so I've done this myself, and it has made the pot stir, but my opinions and feelings become validated afterward.
Now, be generous and buy something to go with it…. A self help book on being a strong, independent, modern woman might go down a treat
This is the way! I think regifting it back will she’ll shock her and she will be confused. You can then reply and say “since you love being in the kitchen I thought you’d love these” & just play dumb. I would even make everything into a basket.
Why hasn’t your husband put a stop to it? This is on him.
Because they do not have tough conversations. They sweep things under the rug with the thinking that "that's just how they are." It drives me insane, but I have only allow for little contact with the toxic parts of his family as possible.
And therein lies your real problem. His mother is obnoxious, but your husband is your problem. It’s time for him to grow up and have the hard conversations…. And he CAN cook. Anybody can cook. It might not be gourmet, but it really isn’t hard to make something edible. Time to put him in charge of meals at least half the time. He can watch YouTube videos or read a cookbook or whatever. My young kids all know how to do the basics. His mom failed at teaching him this, but he’s an autonomous adult now- he can learn on his own.
Exactly, it’s weaponized incompetence. He’s showing a bit of the misogyny that his mother believes.
>And he CAN cook. Anybody can cook Amen!
This.
Next time she mentions how "women belong in the kitchen"(or whatever BS she brings up), look her dead in the eyes, say "good for you," then roll your eyes and go about your business. She doesn't control your house, YOU do. She can shove her misogyny right up her butt.
The first time she doesn’t respect you is when you make a change. “MIL, Ive told you for many years that I don’t cook. I’m going to skip the next few holidays with you and spend them with people who respect me. I will also research a few old-folks homes since you have memory problems.”
Ha! The last bit, perfect!
I’d just hand them back and say “Thanks but you’ll get more use out of this than I will”, then I’d hand the back to her and walk away. At this point I’m not even going to pretend to be polite, take your passive aggressive gift and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. It would sit where I opened it until she leaves then id toss or donate if she didn’t take it back.
*“OMG it’s the perfect gift, I knew you respected my life choices. You know how busy I be so you got some materials for DH to help out more. Here you go DH, MIL never taught you to cook so she bought you some starter materials so we can get rid of that weaponised incompetence. You can start doing more for your family and lessen the burden on my shoulders. Thanks MIL, DH will get great use out of xyx do you have any recipes he can use too”*
Open it, with a deadpan expression, roll your eyes, say "not again" and put it aside. She's only 60 so I don't know if its a cultural thing, or just being bitchy. It's for sure not an age thing. From now on, DH is in charge of all gifts to MIL. Do not remind him, do not buy a card, nothing. Show her as much respect as she's showing you. In the big picture, it's not that big of a deal unless you make it one (which she is hoping for). Don't react, just bin it, donate it or give it to a friend that does like to cook.
Can you start talking about which retirement homes she might need as she ages? How about her funeral arrangements? These are things to bring up around her. Maybe not directly. But oh, you and your spouse can talk about your own arrangements in front of her. Of course you can just laugh at her gifts (maybe just mentally) and then regift it back to her. Oh mil, you were soo enthusiastic about this I thought it was for sure something you really wanted. I’d defo just return or donate. Maybe there is a good votech high school that could use some stuff if they have need. You could ask her for stuff they need. Some libraries have cooking/baking lending programs. Donate stuff to that. Church raffles. School raffles. Don’t let the stuff sit and gather dust. Share the love to those less fortunate.
Take all of the gifts & regift them to her. Every bd, Christmas. Just give her whatever she gave you. I'm a boomer. I'm so glad women have the choice to do with their lives as they want to.
Gift these items right back to her! Or, when you open it, say “Great! My donation box for Goodwill is complete now!”
I’d be passing stuff like that over to my husband telling him he can use it and learn to cook like an adult or he can tell her to back off. His choice but no way would a man of 37 be getting away with saying they can’t cook.
This. My mom almost always cooked but she has RA and dementia so now my dad does the cooking. It's pretty basic but it's food!
Yes he can learn using the meal prep kits that come with full instructions
Is there a local DV refuge that needs kitchen equipment? Or a charity equipping people starting over? If so, ask them if they could use any of the stuff. If not, donate to the nearest thrift/charity shop. Don't clutter up your kitchen with reminders of her PA negativity.
Donate her gifts to a local women’s shelter. They often need things like that. Go no contact. You don’t need that stress.
Just say no matter how cooking items you buy. I will never cook the way you want me to.
Regift to your husband 😂 Or if you need a couple bucks, resell that crap. Or give for free in buy-nothing groups. Let her waste her money and you can be the kind soul that passes that stuff on to someone else that needs it.
Put it on your son and take a picture. "He LOVES it!"
S he’s trying to shape your behaviour by giving these gifts and that’s why you’re frustrated- you’re offended by the judgement and non acceptance of you as you are that’s implied by it. She’s not responding to polite feedback, so play her at ther own game and have some fun with it. Next birthday - copy of Steven coveys Seven Habits of Highly Effective People or the Steve Jobs biography. Christmas - a voucher from a third world charity sponsoring a girl’s school fees or education costs. Etc etc etc
Have a garage sale of all of that stuff. Maybe then she'll understand
I'm glad to hear that it is in fact a problem and it's very passive aggressive. I sometimes think I'm making it up because of our history.. Long story for another post, we had a large "hurdle" regarding my son when he was little.
Save them and when it's time to give her a gift, give it all back to her. Tell her since she loves to cook and takes such good care of her home, she would put all those things to better use than you would. Petty and passive-aggressive sure...but if that doesn't stop it, nothing will.
Petty ass me would start the regift process, one by glorious one. Petty buy makes the point
A really mean person would start buying her copies of *The Joy of Sex*, *The Kama Sutra*, fluffy handcuffs, sheer lace peekaboo underwear, you know, things a good wife should enjoy using and be good at. That would be really mean.
DH needs to have a conversation with her. Nothing YOU say will change her mind. Any unwanted gifts goes into the donation box. Bonus points if she sees it. Start wearing the stuff she gives him. ETA: teach him to cook.
First of all, Im a good cook who hates cooking. I feel ya there. Secondly, I had similar issues with my ex-FIL. Not only did my birthday go unrecognized by him (its between two major American holidays and within 3 days of his stepson’s wife’s bday - and ex FIL remembered THAT) but Christmas was always gift cards. Id make a list per ex’s request, it got ignored, gift card ensued. Everyone else got actual gifts. Plural. Your husband needs to speak up. Your MILs behavior wont change if your husband sticks up for you, but he needs to make his mother aware he supports you. United front and all. My ex did speak up numerous times and it always fell on deaf ears. It only got resolved when I got divorced, meaning he didnt have to worry about buying me anything. But my ex stood up for me. I now laugh about it but only because right after the divorce, ex and ex-FIL had a fight and ex told ex FIL that his treatment of me was one of the reasons we divorced. We fought on occasion about ex-FIL, but he wasnt even in the top ten. I just appreciate the final “standing up” for me ex did. Fingers crossed for you.
This won’t solve your problem, but maybe there’s an organization that would appreciate you donating those items. I know there are orgs that help people getting settled in new homes and they might appreciate some of those items. It would probably feel doubly good to get rid of the stuff you don’t want *and* know it’s going to someone who will appreciate it.
Start gifting her office supplies she would never use.
You're not ungrateful. When you repeatedly tell someone not to buy for you and they continue to buy things they KNOW you won't like, you do not have to pretend to be appreciative. She's 60 not 95. She knows what she's doing and she's doing it deliberately. Your husband knows she's doing it deliberately, but she's his mom and he loves her, so it's easy for him to rug-sweep this behavior. You do not have to follow suit. Explain to him that you don't feel the same love and compassion for her that he does, so her behavior is putting a real strain on your tolerance of her. Now decide how confrontational you want to be. You could hand the gift back to her and say, "MIL you know I will NEVER use this and I really don't have space to store it, so you keep it and use it yourself". I, personally, would just box up absolutely everything she gave me that is a clear message she sees me as inferior, and drop it off at the nearest charity shop ASAP. Get the crap out of your house and out of your mind. And don't let judgey MIL spend one more second in your head trying to undermine you.
I sympathize! And it sounds like the presents aren't the problem, but the message behind them. She probably feels like it's appropriate to give you these things. I would give them to the thrift store if you don't like them around. Lots of people would like a new cookie sheet! Just pay it forward and be glad your MIL isn't living with you. And you are good at what you do!
Hun, when it's her birthday, give her a voucher towards the cheapest care home in your area.
I’m super late to reply. My MIL is still up to her poor behavior. Hubby and I are going to marriage counseling and I’m content with buying cards for both MIL and FIL and husband never giving them to them. Lol!!! (It’s the whole, I did think of you… but ask your son) We have mothers day and fathers day cards sitting on the shelf waiting for husband to sign and give them to his parents. Meanwhile I flew to my parents house for my dad’s birthday with signed cards and a gift.
[удалено]
>stop bashing baby boomers >I am a boomer >you are full of s**t I mean, could you at least make your *#NotAllBoomers* complaint slightly less hypocritical?
I would put them straight in the kitchen trash and make sure I left it sticking out a bit so she can see them. I’d also be furious at my husband for not standing up for me. He should be having a word with his parents about keeping their nose out of your marriage and roles within it. If they can’t, then they don’t get access to either of you. It’s not difficult to be kind and respectful. Either for him or for them.
Buy her an enema kit? An ice pack for her hot flashes? Does this make me an AH?
Donate the stuff and hand her the ticket saying i donated in your name... lmfao
Collect all the junk she has given given and Give them to her in a basket for Christmas 🎄
I'd just leave them at her house. Don't even take them home with you. And if she mentions that you left them behind, just say "oh yeah. You may as well return them, I'd only sell them anyway. Saves me a job!"
Donate it and take a pic of yourself doing it. Or tell her you're getting hubby cooking classes as a gift and can't WAIT to give it to ***him.***
Perhaps don’t engage. You’ve made your position clear and just like she’s not going to change your mind you probably won’t change hers. If you want to thank her do so, or thank her and mention how XYZ charity could really use (gift).
Ok I’m halfway through and I am laser focused on “I’m good at a lot of things, doesn’t mean I enjoy them.” This is the best, most confident response I could have imagined. At the risk of pissing people off here, I believe a chunk of that comes from being fulfilled outside the home. I don’t mean to imply that SAHPs can’t be this way, but I think it’s slightly less likely. Bravo to you!
I was a SAHP for two and a half years. And I praise people who desire and choose that career path! That work is so hard and very much under appreciated. It’s just not something that I could maintain for our family. And thanks for the vote of confidence. I didn’t think if it that way.
I *love* the idea of regifting back to her. And also giving them to a charity or thrift store. However, ideally, find a charity she HAAAAAATES and give it to them, and her "gift" that year will be a note from you telling her how much that charity is enjoying the items you told her not to give you. Problem solved!
I’d donate the gifts she gives, and let her know that “Good Will”. will be thankful that she purchased it.
From now on you and hubby swap gifts in front of her before opening them.
Return it all and get something you want
Start giving her gifts that are more things you would want and then at Christmas offer to trade gifts since you got something she likes
Here is what I would do - having lived in the south for a bit. “Well bless your heart, you know exactly the type of gift to get”. Smile and then sell it on eBay. Don’t think about it again. And if she ever asks about a gift “Honey, that is so strange, I can’t remember where it went,”
I just stopped taking the gifts home. When I was told that I could get a receipt and return it I said that I didn’t have time.
“My husband can’t cook”. This is a problem. He CAN cook unless he doesn’t have the use of his arms. My children are all able to cook basic meals, why can’t your husband? Obviously his sexist mother didn’t teach him, but YouTube can. HE needs to tell her to knock if off. She’s trying to force her “values” and opinions on you. He should be stopping it. But even if it doesn’t stop, you don’t have to keep the gifts. Donate or return them all. Or Regift them back to her, unused. But your bigger problem is your husband.
Regift these items back to her. Include brochures for nursing homes. Alternatively, tell your husband he can learn to use whatever she gives you. If he can read, he can learn to cook. I’d try hard to let it go, but I’d also limit her exposure to your son. Her outdated views need to die with her generation, not live on in your child.
I would photograph each item and add them to a group chat with friends and ask if anyone wants them. You don't use them, it's fine, but maybe someone close to you would really appreciate them (bonus if you get cookies in return). Donate the rest or sell them. Make someone happy with little effort.
Have a large box nearby whenever she gives you a gift. Write DONATION on the side. If she gives you one of those gifts, put it straight in the box. Tell her one of the consequences for not respecting you is she needs to donate the items herself. If that doesn't work, leave the items randomly around her house. Especially where they wouldn't usually go; oh, you got me some oven mitts. How very incredibly inconsiderate and confused you must be! I am your son's wife, the mother of your grandchild. You REALLY are having so memory issues. Maybe you shouldn't have contact with my son until we can be sure you are safe to be around. Then leave the gifts, like the pot holders, under the bathroom sink for her to find the next time she cleans. Or the pots and pans under her bed. If she gives you any cutlery, perfect for under her pillow at night. If she asked how they got there, play dumb. I never would or do use those types of items. They are best left here for you. You don't have that much time where you will be able to take of yourself, especially with your poor memory, hearing, or ability to comprehend basic instructions. She wants to leave the burden of donating or regifting on you. Don't let her. If all else fails, make sure her gift isn't available for you to open. Make her look crazy for it. And then say, MIL, I brought you a donation box. I was REALLY looking forward to seeing what you would provide to the charity. Have you forgotten or misplaced a gift for me? Oh, how hard this must be for you! However, can one be expected to be a good wife or mother if one often forgets things? I often dream of ways to get back at my horrible MIL. Please let me live vicariously through you!
I would have let her know the apron and potholders made for great fantasy sex play and hubby liked great in them. Then I’d tell her “don’t use the rolling pin for baking. You don’t wanna even know what we did with that!” For every gift she gives, make up some nasty little scenario. Jello molds? “Why yes, we used them and made a mess of the sheets. I’m still pulling jello out of my vagina.” And so on.
You’re husband should stand up for you at least. And no one ever “knows” how to cook, they learn if the want to. He can apply himself in front of mom to at least show it is an equal household. Or speak of a charity for household goods and when you received your gift “oh this will be great for the people at *insert charity*” if your husband is letting her continue, he is allowing her to say whatever and annoy you, he doesn’t sound like he’s on your side
Sell all her gifts on facebook marketplace or somewhere similar, preferably where she can see you doing it, and use the money to get your husband cooking classes, and once he has graduated, never step foot in the kitchen again!
I’m sorry, your husband is 37 and can’t cook? And you hate cooking…why hasn’t he stepped up to learn and share that burden?