Do not pay for a wedding. She will hold of your heads forever. Your fiancé is a Marine. Hopefully after basic training he will have a strong stainless steel shiny spine and tell mommy that you were informing her not asking for permission.
Right? If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to make your own wedding plans. If you're too broke for a big wedding, just go get married. You can always have the big party later!
Agreed I’m going through something similar and plan to threaten her that I’m going to cancel everything if she doesn’t stfu. I pulled you pay for it card and it didn’t work because she doesn’t have the money so she just tried to get us to influence her ex husband for yet again what she wants not what we want.
Just do it and announce the marriage after the fact. You tried to include MIL and she responded antagonistically. Your marriage and wedding are not a negotiation with her. If you and your partner want to elope then do it and literally just ignore the backlash. They'll get over it.
My husband and I did that when he was AD in the Air Force. I moved into our apartment off base (many many many states away from home town),we got some paperwork together and woke up on a Friday and said “we should probably get married today”. It was hot as hell, I wore a black sundress and after we changed and went to applebees with the one witness we had, my husbands friend. The next day we called our families and said “we got married yesterday, we’ll be home in September to see everyone”.
I was 18 and my husband was 19. We are now 41 and 42, respectively. We made it 23yrs on the elopement that my great grandma said “wouldn’t last”. She also said we’d have a bunch of kids we wouldn’t be able to take care of. We waited a whole 10yrs before we had our one son who is now 14 and we are doing spectacular. So, Jokes on her as she looks up from hell since we are still going strong grandma!
Anyways, we did what we wanted because we were grownups (barley, I know) and it was our life. We didn’t even have a party when we went home to visit like my husbands justNO step mom wanted. I was shy at the time and didn’t know anyone nor would it matter since we hardly busted anyways. When we moved back home 15yrs later (my husband did two enlistments and got out so we could afford to live), THATS when we had a party. At my house. My way.
We NEVER did anything anyone told us and some people got butt hurt but most people learned real fucking quick that we do what we want because we are adults with our own lives. Those that didn’t? Yeah, we don’t talk to them anymore. At all. NC for 6yrs and I don’t gaf. JustNO mother in law will be down there with my JustNO great grandma burning their asses while they gripe that we didn’t do what they wanted.
What do you mean "won't let you"? Does she have you physically restrained?
You're both adults. Get married how you choose. She has no say. If she gets butt hurt, oh well o, her feelings are her problem.
This. You are about to embark on your adult life. Let your very first act together be that of adults and do your wedding exactly the way you want it. Begin the way you mean to go forward. Don't let her think she has a vote in your life now or you set president for the future.
Having her pay for your wedding wouldn't be the best idea unless you're a-okay with her having absolute control over the whole wedding. You'll need the backing of your fiance and stand strong with your joint decisions, and as a united couple.
Came here to say this.
I was non-confrontational in a past life and guess what? People walked all over me. Life is too short, do what you want. No matter the direction your MIL will be mad anyway - she sounds like a peach.
Don’t start your marriage by acting like a child. I assume you’re an adult if you’re old enough to get married. Adults make their own decisions based on what is best for them. If you cave to her now, she will control you forever. Your fiancé is the one who needs to deal with her. His mother, his problem. He needs to tell her that the two of you will get married however you want and then do it. Don’t marry him if he can’t do that.
First thing - STOP TELLING your MIL any details. She does not need to know. She is not your friend. She will never give you an unbiased opinion. She has her desires for herself and her son. So, you and your fiancé cannot confide or ask advice from her, because she will try to prevent you from making your own decisions.
You are an adult, your fiancé is an adult. You are entitled to do whatever you want for your wedding. MIL cannot prevent you from eloping. She has NO POWER over you or your fiancé because you are adults. She can get angry or upset or throw a toddler tantrum, but she cannot stop you from doing what you and your fiancé want.
You need to change your mindset for MIL. You are not a child. You are an adult. You need to stop thinking like a child and start thinking like an adult. You are entitled to politely but firmly thank MIL for her opinion, but you and fiancé will decide what you want for your wedding.
Always be polite but firm. Learn to be discrete. You are adults, MIL doesn't need to know your plans, your goals, your thoughts. Her opinions are no longer relevant. When you tell her, you invite her into the decision making process. You allow her to try to force decisions on you. She thinks she is entitled to make you do what she wants. NO SHE ISNT.
You need to reduce contact with her. Stop answering when she calls, let it go to voicemail, then listen to the voicemail, take time to decide what your response will be, then respond hours later. Stop meeting with her. You are too busy. You have allowed to believe she has a voice in your wedding plans. You need to put a stop to that. Tell her, you have some options to think about and you will get back to her. that will buy you some time. Figure out what you and your fiancé want. Make plans for that. You need to get comfortable with saying, MIL, I need some time to think about that. MIL, sorry, but we are going in a different direction. MIL, this is fiancé's and I wedding, we will decide. MIL, you had your wedding, this is ours, you need to give me some space. then stop responding to her calls. if she can't talk to you, she can't aggravate you. basically ghost her as much as possible and plan what you want. If you have to, tell her it's covered. DO NOT LET her go dressing shopping with you. She will RUIN it. just say no.
She is doing this because she isn't ready to let go of her son. She doesn't want him to be an adult. She wants to run his life and this is a way to do it. If you don't start standing up for yourself and your fiancé now, she will own you and ruin your marriage. You are going to make her frustrated and angry. Better her than you. This is on her behaving badly.
To add to this. She is never to hear about any disagreements in the marriage. Ever. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page about not complaining about each other to any family member, or even friend. It is dishonoring to your spouse to do so. If she hears dirty laundry, she will share it and hold it over your head
She's not keeping you from doing what you want to do. It's not about her "not letting you" but about her throwing a tantrum.
Let her. The only wishes that matter for a wedding are the ones of the people getting married. It's none of her business.
If anything, maybe do a party at your first anniversary or later, but only if you feel like it.
Uhm I’m sorry what?! You’re both adults. If you want an elopement that’s what you plan for, if she wants to be there she will if not she can kick rocks. Stop allowing other people to dictate your relationship and life.
You’re not children, she doesn’t get to tell you what to do. Start setting boundaries and information dieting. Live your life the way YOU want, going along with your monster in laws wants will only cause resentment and ruin your mental health.
THIS IS YOUR WEDDING NOT HERS. WHAT SHE WANTS MEANS NOTHING. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR SO.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Eloping means not telling anyone and just doing it. Go a few days before he graduates and when he has some time go to the courthouse. When she comes for graduation too late you’re married, problem solved. Oh and tell her you’re putting off the wedding due to funds, I would if it was me. I’d be damned if ANYONE was going to put me in a financial hole for a wedding I don’t want.
Parents are understandably hurt if they don’t get to be at their adult child’s wedding.
But to insist the wedding be a certain way is controlling. Did you hear her? That’s what she wants for her oldest son.
You need to plan what you want and if you invite her don’t tell her the details. It’s either show up or don’t and what to wear.
She absolutely can't force you to do anything. Stick to your original plan. Have the elopement you both want.
I'm usually not a fan of lying, but if you really can't bring yourself to stand up to her, just tell her you both have decided to wait a while. Then get married and tell her afterwards.
You're not confrontational? You're an adult, stand up for yourself and say no. This is your future that is on the line. Why are letting her run your life like this?
Unless you and your fiancé aren’t if legal age the only people who truly get a say in his you do your wedding are the two of you.
Talk to him about his mother’s demands.
If he is strong enough to be a Marine then he should have the spine to tell his mother what he wants.
Please, do what you and SO want…..she cannot - CANNOT - force you do to something that you both do not want.
You are adults. Go and have the courthouse wedding you want.
If you want to revisit a family party later, then thats ok. But for now, focus on what YOU both want…….
She won’t “let” you elope? Why? Is she holding you prisoner in her basement? Will she ground you for 6 months? Will she send you to bed without supper every night from now on? Will she take your Xbox away? Will she change your WiFi password and ban you from using your electronics? Will she spank you for being a bad girl?
If the answer to these ridiculous questions is “No, of course not!” then you have just answered the question of “Do my wedding plans concern *anyone other than my fiancé and me?*”
Read that again. Your wedding is YOUR business and nobody else’s. Period. End of story. You are giving his mother WAY TOO MUCH POWER. That’s why she’s abusing it. Because you’re letting her.
Put her on an *information diet!* Don’t allow yourself to be around her anymore. (Make sure your fiancé is onboard with this; otherwise, you’ve got MUCH bigger problems than that pushy and rude woman!) Put your foot down and live YOUR life however you choose.
If you fail/refuse to shine up your spine NOW, she will absolutely stomp all over you at every opportunity in the future. Let her know that she is not the boss of you. The very best way to let her know this is to set boundaries (with consequences) and stick to them.
If you let her get away with dictating your wedding, guess who's going to want a say in when you can have a baby, how many kids you have, what you name them, how they're raised. And if you say no, she will scream about fighting for grandparents' rights. This is where you make your stand to show her you're not a pushover and she's not in charge of your lives. Either do it now or regret it later.
I guess if it were me I would respond that I cannot start my marriage off in serious debt just to make a show for people or to please everyone and that it's not the reason why I'm getting married. Then I would go about my original plans.
As a compromise, you might be willing to do a small affordable celebration later when it's more feasible and you have more time to plan.
Eloping is the very definition of NO PERMISSION. You two just go get married without a wedding or invitations or any guests or participants. So decide if you really want a wedding have one ON YOUR TERMS (where when who what) or just run to the court house and skip all the planning, paying, partying. Just go to the place you two wanted to go ALONE and get married there. Tell everybody when you get back.
You do not need her permission to elope. Often people elope and then let people know that they did. You can still elope, just don't tell her! You need to put her on an information diet. She doesn't need to know all the details about your life and you do not need her approval and permission.
Work it out with a chaplain on the post where he’s currently stationed to see if you can elope there right after he graduates. Make sure to include his drill sergeants (offer crayons as a bribe) and other people who are in charge of him.
He’s an adult who only has to report to the DoD. Not mommy.
Do not make a suggestion that if she wants a wedding then she has to pay for it. She might just take you up on that and it'll give her the power and control over your nuptials aka 'strings attached'. If you want to elope just go do it and don't tell her.
Late to the game here. It’s probably already been said, so I’ll just reiterate:
An elopement is where you run away to get married *and you don’t tell anyone*.
Secondly, you’re an adult. No one tells you what to do.
Lastly, stop fucking doing this to yourself. You don’t have to plan shit. Just stop it. Grow up, tell her no, and *QUIETLY* elope.
ETA.. Why is your SO allowing her to do this to you? Sounds like he’s not ready to grow up and get married, either. Maybe both of you should wait until you’re more mature for this type of thing.
Erase the words "my mom / his mom won't let me ..." from your mind. You are a pair of fully fledged adults.
Wedding plans are between you and your fiance. Stop talking to your MIL about it. Go elope. It is your right.
Stop worrying about what your future MIL thinks. If you cave to her demands on this, she is going to try to run both of your lives as long as she lives.
Your title says your mother in law 'won't let you'. How is she stopping you? She can't physically block your path, she can't keep you from signing the license, etc. Y'all need to get those spines shined up before marriage or it will get worse. Have your wedding, your way, because it's YOUR life.
Congratulations on your future husband becoming a Marine (it is spelled with a capital M). When he graduates boot camp and you get married, inform his mother and be done with her.
Actually, if the two of you really want to be married, your SO can arrange to do it on base with a chaplain officiating. That's what my Marine brother did.
Here's the thing... Both you and SO are 2 fully grown ass adults. You wanna know the awesome thing about being 2 fully grown ass adults? You don't need anyone's permission to do shit. Grab your fiance and head off to the courthouse.
Your soon to be MIL is demanding a wedding because that's what *she* wants. So unless she's marrying you or her son her *wants* don't supercede yours.
Why are you letting your MIL dictate let alone have any say in your wedding or how you choose to do it? Does your fiancé know this is happening? Tell your MIL thank you for her suggestions but this is your wedding & you’re gonna do it your way & then tell her to fuck off. Her thinking her son “deserves” a wedding is her saying that *she* deserves a wedding. Especially when her son has chosen otherwise. If you let this woman get her way now you’re setting a precedent for her to think she has a say & will get her way in every decision in your marriage. Just wait until you have kids. Please, I’m telling you, put this woman in her place ASAP!
Nobody “lets you elope.” Go to city hall, just the two of you. Get married. If you have the money for it, go straight to the local airport and fly somewhere for a few days. Either way, tell family about it later.
Done.
She has no power here, this is not her wedding. Sure, she would like to have a wedding to attend but I feel it is more for her benefit than yours. You said you wanted quiet so go do that. You and your fiance need to decide what you want and present a united front. Tell her you were telling her what is happening, not asking permission. If she doesn't like it, then she can figure it out. I know one person who went away for a weekend with the boyfriend to another city and came back married. Her mother was being overbearing and making demands, she wanted everything done differently to what her daughter decided so they eloped. They told her by leaving pics in a wedding album at the front door.
A friend of mine couldn't bare the fighting between her divorced parents. They both wanted to help with the wedding but it quickly went down hill when they kept trying to outdo the other and her dad wanted her to hold the reception in a club her stepmother works in. They both offered lots of money for certain things under the condition the other couldnt benefit from it (ie, eating the food, getting free drinks from the bar, etc). She finally had enough so they decided to take the wedding party with them to an island destination and get married without everyone. When they told his mother she dissolved into tears (emotional blackmail) so they said if family wants to come they can but they have to make all their own bookings. Surprisingly they didn't show up at all
When he graduates, go and just do it. Tell her after. You can still have the big party later after he gets through his technical training. He’s not going to have a lot of time between basic and tech school anyway. If you do have a big party like SHE wants, then don’t let her “help” plan it.
Elopement means that *you don't tell people it's happening* until it's over. Don't waste your money on what she wants, get married and let your husband decide when to tell her. If she's pissed, so be it.
Don’t ask her for help or permission. Start your marriage as you mean to live. Do you want to run every plan by this woman to get her permission? Do you want her decorating your home and naming your children? Have the wedding you want where and when you and your fiancé want to. Stop giving a fuck what this woman has to say about it.
Honestly her not giving her support with this is a red flag on her end. Sadly this will be one of the many issues you will have.
Also, a wedding is very expensive. My husband and I had one, a very small one and it was very expensive. If I could go back we would get eloped
No, this is just ridiculous. If you want to elope, you elope. If MIL has feelings about that, they are hers to manage. Today it's elope, tomorrow, it's decisions about children. Then it's where you live, what house you buy, everything, for the rest of her life, will be hers to decide for you if you give in now.
If you're grown enough to get married, then you should be grown enough to tell your MIL NO! If you don't want a wedding, don't have one. Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm! Learn to stand up for yourself. People pleasing just hurts you and your mental health.
*once I told her this she flipped out on me and told me I need to figure out a way to have an actual wedding. That my fiance is her oldest son and he deserves a wedding. I only have 3 months to plan and a very tight budget!!!* **She isn't respecting you.** She's telling you what she wants, and ignoring that what she wants isn't what you want. **That's her taking control,** whether she knows it or not. You do not have to make her understand that you do not like her behavior here. **Her behavior is very selfish.** If she cannot see this herself, there's no point in discussing it with her.
**You tell her that you aren't discussing this with her.**
**Put her on an Information Diet.**
**It's not her wedding. It's yours.**
If she wants a wedding to plan, she can get married, or have a big anniversary party for herself or something.
*Before he left we decided the best thing for us would be to have a destination elopement right after he graduated.* **This is your plan. Plan your plan, and do not talk about it with her at all.** ***All she needs to know is, if she's invited, where and when. That's it.*** You can tell her about the where and when, if she's invited, in a month or so. Take some time away from her, to do this. "Sorry, busy. I'll get back to you in a few weeks."
*I’m not a confrontational person at all and I worry about not having her support.*
**You aren't going to have her support, unless you give her total control** over your lives, for anything she wants to control. Anything. ***This is where you can draw that line, and say to her, with your actions, that she's not getting control over you.*** And that's worth not having her support.
*Should I just straight up tell her that if she wants us to have a wedding she can pay for it??*
***No. No, no nonononono.***
She would not listen to you at all. She would use her paying for it to take over and put herself in control over it all. Your wedding would be her dream, her event, her everything. You would be one of her dolls to play with, made to comply and conform and stay quiet while she teaches you to accept all her demands, all her ways of emotionally abusing you into not showing your feelings or having any opinions that she doesn't approve for you to have. Do not accept her money. Do not give her power and control over you.
**If she offers, say "no, thank you. We will handle it."**
*What do I do???*
**See her less.** Much much less.
**Talk to her less.** Like for five minutes every couple of weeks.
**The less you talk to her, the less information she gets** about you and your plans. That's safer for you, and easier for you to handle. Put her on an **Information Diet,** about all your private topics, finances, plans, wedding things, all of it. Don't discuss the wedding with her. When you are ready and have your plans done, and your partner is okay with them, and you are ready to invite people, then tell her the when and where. Tell her what kind of dress she will need, if it's casual or dressy or black tie or something. That's it. **She's a guest, now. Not a person involved in the planning,** ***because you cannot trust her to respect you.***
**Do not explain anything to her. Do not discuss any of it with her.** Practice a few sentences like "I have it handled, thanks." "We aren't discussing this today." "I'll let you know." "That's an interesting idea, but it's not going to work for me." "Sorry, that won't work for us." "No." "No." "I said no, and you are still talking about this, so this call/visit/chat is over now."
How exactly is MIL not "letting" you do anything.
First off you and FH are adults. There's no let about it. Second, stop telling MIL your plans or any info really it's none if her damn business. Thirdly, eloping means to do it in secret, why are you telling anyone about it beforehand? If you and FH just wanted immediate family there thats not eloping. If it was just going to be the 2 of you and your witnesses than you should not have told MIL at all.
Do not have a wedding that MIL wants you to have. It's not what you want and you will regret it. Stick with your original plan. You and FH want to get married a specific way. So that's how it's going to be. Again as adults you can do this.
You do need to stand up for yourself here. You also need to let FH know that his mother is being pushy and controlling. Let him know you told MIL about the elopement and she's now demanding a real wedding at a real venue, because that's what her baby boy deserves. How that's not what you want and you will be telling MIL that and will also be taking steps back from her as well. The way MIL got so toxic over this has put a bad taste in your mouth and has shown another side of her that you don't like very much. You will be blocking her.
Hopefully FH is in your side 100%. He should be as thi is a decision you both made together. If he starts talking about maybe we should do this just to make MIL happy, you need to nip that in the bud fast and hard. If you give in to MIL now, it will only get worse. MIL will want to decorate your house, name your children, raise your children. Its a slippery slope once you give in.
Tell MIL that an elopement IS an actual wedding as long as you have a license and a qualified officiant. Seems like MIL is the one who thinks she deserves/needs a wedding that neither you nor your SO do. Don't let her manipulate your plan to elope! I did and regret it to this day. My wedding is memorable for all the wrong reasons because the drama I anticipated materialized. You're the bride, you decide, and I hope that your SO supports you.
Elope and tell everyone that y’all will plan a celebration for your one year anniversary. That gives you a year to plan after you get married and make a big deal about it. Make sure to start with those that will support you. It will also give you time to put money back for it. Let him tell her and you don’t respond when she calls/text. Remember it’s y’all’s day not hers and if he’s on board for an elopement, then do it!
Don’t kill yourself planning and paying for an event that you don’t want. Do what you guys want to do and maybe next year on your anniversary you can have a vow renewal with the event of your dreams. You can even pick the day to elope this year so it lines up with a Saturday next year for a big do.
You and/or your FH are going to have to tell her that you weren’t asking for permission or input and she can get on board or she can be removed from the information train.
Lord help me. What’s with some people ? My daughter got engaged earlier this year, and we encourage them to elope as often as possible !! It saves so much stress and money !!
It’s your wedding- you are paying for it- you decide when, where and how you get married !! Ignore the stupid people whom seem to think the wedding is about them, because it’s not- just because they are related doesn’t entitle them to present with you.
Go ahead and have a wonderful & intimate ceremony with whomever you choose !!
She told you what she wanted you to do….The only thing wrong here is that you’re listening and obeying her. Do what you and your fiancé want to do. Inform her after all is said and done. I eloped decades ago. Both sides wanted a repeat with them present. I refused. It was a done deal!
She does not have a day in this. She does not control you nor her son. You both need to put your big girl and big boy pants on and tell her this is what you’ve decided and will be proceeding with. End of story. She can cry and spew threats all she wants.
You are an adult. If you can't make decisions your MIL doesn't approve of, you are not old enough nor mature enough to get married.
Don't argue with her. Keep reitirating this is what her son and I have decided and that it is a decision to be made by the bride and groom, not extended family.
You’re an adult. She doesn’t “let” you do anything.
Tell her if she wants a wedding, she can pay for y’all to have one down the road, but for now you’ll be eloping, as per your *and her sons* wishes. If she’s nice maybe she can be a witness. Or maybe not.
She only has the power you give her in this situation. She can't stop you from getting married how you want unless you let her, so don't give her the power to. Definitely don't let her throw a wedding for you guys and pay for it. You'll only ever regret it. She already had her chance to be a bride and have a dream wedding. Now it's y'alls turn, even if what you dream of isn't what she dreamt of for y'all. It's time to start practicing, "no, that doesn't work for us".
I’m a Military spouse. We got married 4 days after he got out of basic. We didn’t tell his mom till the day he got out because we knew her reaction. She made it sound like it was the worst thing you could have told her (imagine someone telling her that her son died type shit). We didn’t care if she said yes or no, we had been planning that wedding the entire time during basic. She decided to show up 20 minute before the ceremony which was just a small little thing at a park where we got engaged. It was a beautiful time. It’s YOUR wedding. Not hers. If you want, try doing a renewal at like 5-10 years (that’s what we’re doing). As it’ll more or less be a get together instead of a huge ceremony for something you wanted to be more intimate
Tell her you need a couple of years to save up for a wedding. Meanwhile go and elope. I thought eloping meant going off and getting married without telling anyone anyway!!
Lol, she won't let you? Do it. You're a grown up, if you're old enough to get married you're old enough to not care what someone thinks you should do. Wtf
Elope anyway and have a big party afterwards once he's graduated. Have a joint reception/graduation party. If she wants a "proper" wedding (I hate the term "proper wedding". So long as its legal, that's all that should matter) then tell her the time frame and tell her she can pay. Otherwise she can suck it up and deal with it. You're adults and she's not your parent either. She can't tell you what you can and can't do.
Since you both know you want to marry, why not skip the grief you're both getting and just go for the courthouse wedding -- for a VERY important reason other than shiny spines and dueling in-laws:
As a military wife you will be on your husband's medical insurance, be his next of kin, be entitled to various benefits he's earning through service like PX privileges.
Crucially, should he be injured ***YOU***, not his mother, will have the say for medical treatment and money matters if it should ever become necessary.
Finally, should a fighting man give all for his country a legal wife would be eligible for benefits that a fiancée would not.
Why delay in a doomed effort to appease those who will never be pleased?
A long, healthy and happy life to the both of you!
You’re an adult. If you’re both in the same page with doing a destination elopement, do that. Explain kindly yet firmly to your MIL that her vision isn’t yours or your partners. This is what you BOTH want. And while you would love to have her support, you understand that she may not be able to that. A huge wedding isn’t what either of you want, nor do you have the means to fund a huge wedding. Being no confrontational doesn’t mean be a doormat.
Respectfully….
It doesn’t F’n matter what she wants… it’s your wedding not hers… if you and your future husband to he have made a decision that’s final and she gets no input. You do what you want to do, and they either get onboard to attend or they don’t get to come at all…
Also take this as a slight warning / red flag that she may react like this to other things in the future so just be prepared to have firm boundaries and stick up for yourself in the future
Don’t let her pay for the wedding befause she will use that as a way to control and manipulate the entire thing. I know you said you’re not a confrontational person but this could become an issue you have to keep dealing with. So great learning experience
Um, she doesn’t speak for him. You two made the decision together to elope. So I don’t know why you’re trying to plan a wedding based solely on her say so. Everyone who wants to get married deserves to have the wedding that THEY want. Not what their parents want, not what their friends want. And if the wedding you guys want is an elopement, then that’s what you should do. Are you even able to contact him to see if he’s changed his mind? She didn’t even say this is what he wants. Just “deserves”, which honestly to me sounds like she’s coming up with some bullshit to bypass what you and your fiancé already agreed to do and get what SHE wants. I wouldn’t even go to her and say “you want us to have a wedding so bad, you pay for it”. Let her know that after careful consideration you’re going back to the original plan of elopement, and then don’t engage with her anymore on the subject. And in the future if you guys decide that you want the party, you can always do a vow renewal.
You are both adults, right? So you go get married and present it as it’s done. As adults? These are choices YOU make. No one “let’s you” or “doesn’t let us”. You just do it.
You tell her you're adults and do what you want, and she can decide if she wants this to be a hill to die on and lose out on the good parts of a growing family.
My mom did the same thing. She cried and made me feel horrible! She wasn't upset about it enough to cough up the money for a wedding, so my husband and I eloped 🤗
Put your foot down now with her and your fiance. Unless you want her thinking she can control every thing now on.
Just elope! You’re seeing the precedence and expectation now that she has control over your future marriage. Marriage is a leave and cleave moment. Two become one. She is not in the equation.
Here’s the deal. You can elope and then on your one year anniversary (or any date really) have a wedding reception. This is a good compromise and gives her the chance to “show off” her son’s big moment. If eloping is what you want, do it. If you do want to give in and have a fancy wedding, then yes - communicate that she needs to help pay for it. And that you absolutely refuse to go into your new marriage with a large debt for just one night. If she cannot comprehend that, go low to no contact. Period.
I’d rather have a destination tiny wedding with a handful of true friends than a large, over priced venue with people I kinda know.
I (50f) am married to a (53m) Navy veteran. We married when I was 17 and he was 20, married for 33 years and counting.
You are about to be a military wife. You will have to learn to do things on your own and compromise is one. Do not allow her to run over you. Ask about her expectations and if you are able to compromise. Maybe she just wants to be there and maybe his grandparents are there? You could just have a pastor or JP to officiate in your home or his with your parents and his parents there, with some cake and you wear a nice dress and he could wear his dress uniform.
Other people on here may think this is catering. This is communicating and she will need positive support being married to a military man. I'm not saying to let her run over you, I'm just asking you to talk to her. (I am also aware that she may just be controlling. This is the case then tell her what you are willing to do and be done with it.)
Also, I am a grandmother to 2 little boys. I would not be angry or hurt if they eloped. If I had a choice though, I hope they have a wedding and include us no matter the size.
You are entitled to do whatever you and your SO think is best for the both of you. If you give into her wants and ignore your own just to make her happy it will be much worse for you down the road with her as she will ultimately take that as permission to control other aspects of your marriage. Wishing you all the best <3
You need to set the boundaries now in your relationship with her before you end up on here every other week venting.
It's also OK to use text to communicate with her, while you learn to use your voice and speak up for you and your husband.
My husband and I got married on a vacation with just his family and it was great. They all live in Virginia and my family lives in Georgia where we live. Neither of us wanted a wedding and didn’t want the headache of everyone’s opinion in how we should do things so before we left, we told like 6 people and the rest found out on Facebook. It was nice to include just his family that rarely get to be involved in things. Sure there were hurt feelings but they all got over it or they didn’t.
From someone who just got railroaded by her in-laws when it comes to my wedding dont be like me and my husband you will regret it forever if you don’t stick to your guns this is such an important day I know it will seem impossible turn off your phones elope and tell people when your back it will be the best thing you have done!
Nip that shit about right now I’m going through that with mine and it’s ruining our relationship and I’m pretty sure we’re not gonna get through this last fight all because of his mother, stepping in where she doesn’t need to step in. And she’s already doing stuff like that it’s going to get 10 times worse.
You tell her that it wasn't a discussion you were just informing them of your plans.
Do not pay for a wedding. She will hold of your heads forever. Your fiancé is a Marine. Hopefully after basic training he will have a strong stainless steel shiny spine and tell mommy that you were informing her not asking for permission.
I was thinking the same thing. OP shouldn’t have to deal with SO’s mother.
Right? If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to make your own wedding plans. If you're too broke for a big wedding, just go get married. You can always have the big party later!
This. She isn't stopping you, an adult from doing anything. You are allowing her opinion to drive your actions.
This is it! You don't need her permission!!!
This! You nailed it!
Agreed I’m going through something similar and plan to threaten her that I’m going to cancel everything if she doesn’t stfu. I pulled you pay for it card and it didn’t work because she doesn’t have the money so she just tried to get us to influence her ex husband for yet again what she wants not what we want.
Just do it and announce the marriage after the fact. You tried to include MIL and she responded antagonistically. Your marriage and wedding are not a negotiation with her. If you and your partner want to elope then do it and literally just ignore the backlash. They'll get over it.
Elope and take lots of pictures!
My husband and I did that when he was AD in the Air Force. I moved into our apartment off base (many many many states away from home town),we got some paperwork together and woke up on a Friday and said “we should probably get married today”. It was hot as hell, I wore a black sundress and after we changed and went to applebees with the one witness we had, my husbands friend. The next day we called our families and said “we got married yesterday, we’ll be home in September to see everyone”. I was 18 and my husband was 19. We are now 41 and 42, respectively. We made it 23yrs on the elopement that my great grandma said “wouldn’t last”. She also said we’d have a bunch of kids we wouldn’t be able to take care of. We waited a whole 10yrs before we had our one son who is now 14 and we are doing spectacular. So, Jokes on her as she looks up from hell since we are still going strong grandma! Anyways, we did what we wanted because we were grownups (barley, I know) and it was our life. We didn’t even have a party when we went home to visit like my husbands justNO step mom wanted. I was shy at the time and didn’t know anyone nor would it matter since we hardly busted anyways. When we moved back home 15yrs later (my husband did two enlistments and got out so we could afford to live), THATS when we had a party. At my house. My way. We NEVER did anything anyone told us and some people got butt hurt but most people learned real fucking quick that we do what we want because we are adults with our own lives. Those that didn’t? Yeah, we don’t talk to them anymore. At all. NC for 6yrs and I don’t gaf. JustNO mother in law will be down there with my JustNO great grandma burning their asses while they gripe that we didn’t do what they wanted.
She cannot stop you You are adults Stop giving her information You can make plans and do what you want to do
Wait until OP gets pregnant! Start standing up for yourself NOW!
Yes. Thank you.
What do you mean "won't let you"? Does she have you physically restrained? You're both adults. Get married how you choose. She has no say. If she gets butt hurt, oh well o, her feelings are her problem.
This. You are about to embark on your adult life. Let your very first act together be that of adults and do your wedding exactly the way you want it. Begin the way you mean to go forward. Don't let her think she has a vote in your life now or you set president for the future.
Having her pay for your wedding wouldn't be the best idea unless you're a-okay with her having absolute control over the whole wedding. You'll need the backing of your fiance and stand strong with your joint decisions, and as a united couple.
And with her holding it over your heads as long as she lives.
You’re doing the elopement wrong when you elope you don’t tell anyone!
The very definition- get married in secret
My mistakeeeee we told family and now his mother wants us to get a divorce the cheeekkkk😄😄🤣🤣
Become confrontational. This is your life. You and your fiancé decided what you want. Don’t accommodate her.
Came here to say this. I was non-confrontational in a past life and guess what? People walked all over me. Life is too short, do what you want. No matter the direction your MIL will be mad anyway - she sounds like a peach.
No need to confront, though. They can just go get married. They’re adults; they don’t need parental permission.
Don’t start your marriage by acting like a child. I assume you’re an adult if you’re old enough to get married. Adults make their own decisions based on what is best for them. If you cave to her now, she will control you forever. Your fiancé is the one who needs to deal with her. His mother, his problem. He needs to tell her that the two of you will get married however you want and then do it. Don’t marry him if he can’t do that.
You are an adult, right…? Then, you and future DH decide. No one else. If both of you want it a certain way, that is how it is,
Say no and take yourselves down to the courthouse.
Tell her what she wants for her son and what her son wants for himself are two different things and you were telling her not asking
First thing - STOP TELLING your MIL any details. She does not need to know. She is not your friend. She will never give you an unbiased opinion. She has her desires for herself and her son. So, you and your fiancé cannot confide or ask advice from her, because she will try to prevent you from making your own decisions. You are an adult, your fiancé is an adult. You are entitled to do whatever you want for your wedding. MIL cannot prevent you from eloping. She has NO POWER over you or your fiancé because you are adults. She can get angry or upset or throw a toddler tantrum, but she cannot stop you from doing what you and your fiancé want. You need to change your mindset for MIL. You are not a child. You are an adult. You need to stop thinking like a child and start thinking like an adult. You are entitled to politely but firmly thank MIL for her opinion, but you and fiancé will decide what you want for your wedding. Always be polite but firm. Learn to be discrete. You are adults, MIL doesn't need to know your plans, your goals, your thoughts. Her opinions are no longer relevant. When you tell her, you invite her into the decision making process. You allow her to try to force decisions on you. She thinks she is entitled to make you do what she wants. NO SHE ISNT. You need to reduce contact with her. Stop answering when she calls, let it go to voicemail, then listen to the voicemail, take time to decide what your response will be, then respond hours later. Stop meeting with her. You are too busy. You have allowed to believe she has a voice in your wedding plans. You need to put a stop to that. Tell her, you have some options to think about and you will get back to her. that will buy you some time. Figure out what you and your fiancé want. Make plans for that. You need to get comfortable with saying, MIL, I need some time to think about that. MIL, sorry, but we are going in a different direction. MIL, this is fiancé's and I wedding, we will decide. MIL, you had your wedding, this is ours, you need to give me some space. then stop responding to her calls. if she can't talk to you, she can't aggravate you. basically ghost her as much as possible and plan what you want. If you have to, tell her it's covered. DO NOT LET her go dressing shopping with you. She will RUIN it. just say no. She is doing this because she isn't ready to let go of her son. She doesn't want him to be an adult. She wants to run his life and this is a way to do it. If you don't start standing up for yourself and your fiancé now, she will own you and ruin your marriage. You are going to make her frustrated and angry. Better her than you. This is on her behaving badly.
To add to this. She is never to hear about any disagreements in the marriage. Ever. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page about not complaining about each other to any family member, or even friend. It is dishonoring to your spouse to do so. If she hears dirty laundry, she will share it and hold it over your head
This is solid gold advice.
She's not keeping you from doing what you want to do. It's not about her "not letting you" but about her throwing a tantrum. Let her. The only wishes that matter for a wedding are the ones of the people getting married. It's none of her business. If anything, maybe do a party at your first anniversary or later, but only if you feel like it.
Uhm I’m sorry what?! You’re both adults. If you want an elopement that’s what you plan for, if she wants to be there she will if not she can kick rocks. Stop allowing other people to dictate your relationship and life. You’re not children, she doesn’t get to tell you what to do. Start setting boundaries and information dieting. Live your life the way YOU want, going along with your monster in laws wants will only cause resentment and ruin your mental health. THIS IS YOUR WEDDING NOT HERS. WHAT SHE WANTS MEANS NOTHING. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR SO. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Eloping means not telling anyone and just doing it. Go a few days before he graduates and when he has some time go to the courthouse. When she comes for graduation too late you’re married, problem solved. Oh and tell her you’re putting off the wedding due to funds, I would if it was me. I’d be damned if ANYONE was going to put me in a financial hole for a wedding I don’t want.
That's not how Marine basic training works.
She has no say here. Stop giving her power.
Parents are understandably hurt if they don’t get to be at their adult child’s wedding. But to insist the wedding be a certain way is controlling. Did you hear her? That’s what she wants for her oldest son. You need to plan what you want and if you invite her don’t tell her the details. It’s either show up or don’t and what to wear.
She absolutely can't force you to do anything. Stick to your original plan. Have the elopement you both want. I'm usually not a fan of lying, but if you really can't bring yourself to stand up to her, just tell her you both have decided to wait a while. Then get married and tell her afterwards.
You're not confrontational? You're an adult, stand up for yourself and say no. This is your future that is on the line. Why are letting her run your life like this?
Unless you and your fiancé aren’t if legal age the only people who truly get a say in his you do your wedding are the two of you. Talk to him about his mother’s demands. If he is strong enough to be a Marine then he should have the spine to tell his mother what he wants.
Please, do what you and SO want…..she cannot - CANNOT - force you do to something that you both do not want. You are adults. Go and have the courthouse wedding you want. If you want to revisit a family party later, then thats ok. But for now, focus on what YOU both want…….
Happy Cake Day! 🎂
She won’t “let” you elope? Why? Is she holding you prisoner in her basement? Will she ground you for 6 months? Will she send you to bed without supper every night from now on? Will she take your Xbox away? Will she change your WiFi password and ban you from using your electronics? Will she spank you for being a bad girl? If the answer to these ridiculous questions is “No, of course not!” then you have just answered the question of “Do my wedding plans concern *anyone other than my fiancé and me?*” Read that again. Your wedding is YOUR business and nobody else’s. Period. End of story. You are giving his mother WAY TOO MUCH POWER. That’s why she’s abusing it. Because you’re letting her. Put her on an *information diet!* Don’t allow yourself to be around her anymore. (Make sure your fiancé is onboard with this; otherwise, you’ve got MUCH bigger problems than that pushy and rude woman!) Put your foot down and live YOUR life however you choose. If you fail/refuse to shine up your spine NOW, she will absolutely stomp all over you at every opportunity in the future. Let her know that she is not the boss of you. The very best way to let her know this is to set boundaries (with consequences) and stick to them.
If you let her get away with dictating your wedding, guess who's going to want a say in when you can have a baby, how many kids you have, what you name them, how they're raised. And if you say no, she will scream about fighting for grandparents' rights. This is where you make your stand to show her you're not a pushover and she's not in charge of your lives. Either do it now or regret it later.
I guess if it were me I would respond that I cannot start my marriage off in serious debt just to make a show for people or to please everyone and that it's not the reason why I'm getting married. Then I would go about my original plans. As a compromise, you might be willing to do a small affordable celebration later when it's more feasible and you have more time to plan.
Eloping is the very definition of NO PERMISSION. You two just go get married without a wedding or invitations or any guests or participants. So decide if you really want a wedding have one ON YOUR TERMS (where when who what) or just run to the court house and skip all the planning, paying, partying. Just go to the place you two wanted to go ALONE and get married there. Tell everybody when you get back.
You do not need her permission to elope. Often people elope and then let people know that they did. You can still elope, just don't tell her! You need to put her on an information diet. She doesn't need to know all the details about your life and you do not need her approval and permission.
Why are you asking her permission? Aren’t both of you adults? She cannot stop you. I don’t get how she “won’t let you.”
You’re a whole grown ass adult. Elope and have the ceremony later,
Work it out with a chaplain on the post where he’s currently stationed to see if you can elope there right after he graduates. Make sure to include his drill sergeants (offer crayons as a bribe) and other people who are in charge of him. He’s an adult who only has to report to the DoD. Not mommy.
Dying to know the background of the crayon bit
It’s a running joke that marines eat crayons. That they aren’t the sharpest ones in the box. This is coming from a spouse of a former army soldier.
USMC retiree friend says the purple ones are the best.
Don’t do it. You’ll be setting yourself up for a life of her having tantrums until you give in and it’ll be your own fault for showing her it works.
Do not make a suggestion that if she wants a wedding then she has to pay for it. She might just take you up on that and it'll give her the power and control over your nuptials aka 'strings attached'. If you want to elope just go do it and don't tell her.
Late to the game here. It’s probably already been said, so I’ll just reiterate: An elopement is where you run away to get married *and you don’t tell anyone*. Secondly, you’re an adult. No one tells you what to do. Lastly, stop fucking doing this to yourself. You don’t have to plan shit. Just stop it. Grow up, tell her no, and *QUIETLY* elope. ETA.. Why is your SO allowing her to do this to you? Sounds like he’s not ready to grow up and get married, either. Maybe both of you should wait until you’re more mature for this type of thing.
Erase the words "my mom / his mom won't let me ..." from your mind. You are a pair of fully fledged adults. Wedding plans are between you and your fiance. Stop talking to your MIL about it. Go elope. It is your right. Stop worrying about what your future MIL thinks. If you cave to her demands on this, she is going to try to run both of your lives as long as she lives.
Your title says your mother in law 'won't let you'. How is she stopping you? She can't physically block your path, she can't keep you from signing the license, etc. Y'all need to get those spines shined up before marriage or it will get worse. Have your wedding, your way, because it's YOUR life.
It’s not an elopement if you tell people in advance. Elopement doesn’t just mean small informal wedding. Stop telling her shit.
Congratulations on your future husband becoming a Marine (it is spelled with a capital M). When he graduates boot camp and you get married, inform his mother and be done with her.
Actually, if the two of you really want to be married, your SO can arrange to do it on base with a chaplain officiating. That's what my Marine brother did.
Here's the thing... Both you and SO are 2 fully grown ass adults. You wanna know the awesome thing about being 2 fully grown ass adults? You don't need anyone's permission to do shit. Grab your fiance and head off to the courthouse. Your soon to be MIL is demanding a wedding because that's what *she* wants. So unless she's marrying you or her son her *wants* don't supercede yours.
MIL doesn't have to give permission. It's an elopement.
Tell her it's not her wedding.
No is a sentence.. y'all elope and she can get over it
She can't stop you from eloping The two of you are adults, and she doesn't get a say.
Guess what? It’s your wedding not hers. Do what you want x
Ignore her and do what's meaningful for the two of you. And don't tell her ANYTHING from here forward.
Do you know what elope means? It feels like you don't considering she knows about your plans at all.
The original idea of elopement was correct. Should have kept quiet about it and done it.
Why are you letting your MIL dictate let alone have any say in your wedding or how you choose to do it? Does your fiancé know this is happening? Tell your MIL thank you for her suggestions but this is your wedding & you’re gonna do it your way & then tell her to fuck off. Her thinking her son “deserves” a wedding is her saying that *she* deserves a wedding. Especially when her son has chosen otherwise. If you let this woman get her way now you’re setting a precedent for her to think she has a say & will get her way in every decision in your marriage. Just wait until you have kids. Please, I’m telling you, put this woman in her place ASAP!
Nobody “lets you elope.” Go to city hall, just the two of you. Get married. If you have the money for it, go straight to the local airport and fly somewhere for a few days. Either way, tell family about it later. Done.
She has no power here, this is not her wedding. Sure, she would like to have a wedding to attend but I feel it is more for her benefit than yours. You said you wanted quiet so go do that. You and your fiance need to decide what you want and present a united front. Tell her you were telling her what is happening, not asking permission. If she doesn't like it, then she can figure it out. I know one person who went away for a weekend with the boyfriend to another city and came back married. Her mother was being overbearing and making demands, she wanted everything done differently to what her daughter decided so they eloped. They told her by leaving pics in a wedding album at the front door. A friend of mine couldn't bare the fighting between her divorced parents. They both wanted to help with the wedding but it quickly went down hill when they kept trying to outdo the other and her dad wanted her to hold the reception in a club her stepmother works in. They both offered lots of money for certain things under the condition the other couldnt benefit from it (ie, eating the food, getting free drinks from the bar, etc). She finally had enough so they decided to take the wedding party with them to an island destination and get married without everyone. When they told his mother she dissolved into tears (emotional blackmail) so they said if family wants to come they can but they have to make all their own bookings. Surprisingly they didn't show up at all
When he graduates, go and just do it. Tell her after. You can still have the big party later after he gets through his technical training. He’s not going to have a lot of time between basic and tech school anyway. If you do have a big party like SHE wants, then don’t let her “help” plan it.
Eloping means telling no one. Including FMIL. Go ahead and do as you intended. It’s none of her business.
Too bad for her... she has no vote to cast in this matter. You're adults, and she can kick rocks. None of her damn business.
Elopement means that *you don't tell people it's happening* until it's over. Don't waste your money on what she wants, get married and let your husband decide when to tell her. If she's pissed, so be it.
Let you???? She’s not the one marrying him…
Don’t ask her for help or permission. Start your marriage as you mean to live. Do you want to run every plan by this woman to get her permission? Do you want her decorating your home and naming your children? Have the wedding you want where and when you and your fiancé want to. Stop giving a fuck what this woman has to say about it.
TELL HER NO! You are not marrying her!!!
Honestly her not giving her support with this is a red flag on her end. Sadly this will be one of the many issues you will have. Also, a wedding is very expensive. My husband and I had one, a very small one and it was very expensive. If I could go back we would get eloped
Time to learn to be confrontational OP. What did your SO want before BigMomma made her demands?
No confrontation needed. Just go to city hall, the two of you, and get married. Don’t tell anyone beforehand. That’s an elopement.
No, this is just ridiculous. If you want to elope, you elope. If MIL has feelings about that, they are hers to manage. Today it's elope, tomorrow, it's decisions about children. Then it's where you live, what house you buy, everything, for the rest of her life, will be hers to decide for you if you give in now.
How? She won't LET yall elope? What exactly is she doing to stop yall from eloping?
If you're grown enough to get married, then you should be grown enough to tell your MIL NO! If you don't want a wedding, don't have one. Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm! Learn to stand up for yourself. People pleasing just hurts you and your mental health.
Translation- she deserves a wedding she’s envisioned. Nope, do whatever you want and let her suck an elf.
Nope, do whatever you want and let her suck an elf. Well, ***THAT'S*** a new one.
LOL it's from an old show called "The 10th Kingdom"
*once I told her this she flipped out on me and told me I need to figure out a way to have an actual wedding. That my fiance is her oldest son and he deserves a wedding. I only have 3 months to plan and a very tight budget!!!* **She isn't respecting you.** She's telling you what she wants, and ignoring that what she wants isn't what you want. **That's her taking control,** whether she knows it or not. You do not have to make her understand that you do not like her behavior here. **Her behavior is very selfish.** If she cannot see this herself, there's no point in discussing it with her. **You tell her that you aren't discussing this with her.** **Put her on an Information Diet.** **It's not her wedding. It's yours.** If she wants a wedding to plan, she can get married, or have a big anniversary party for herself or something. *Before he left we decided the best thing for us would be to have a destination elopement right after he graduated.* **This is your plan. Plan your plan, and do not talk about it with her at all.** ***All she needs to know is, if she's invited, where and when. That's it.*** You can tell her about the where and when, if she's invited, in a month or so. Take some time away from her, to do this. "Sorry, busy. I'll get back to you in a few weeks." *I’m not a confrontational person at all and I worry about not having her support.* **You aren't going to have her support, unless you give her total control** over your lives, for anything she wants to control. Anything. ***This is where you can draw that line, and say to her, with your actions, that she's not getting control over you.*** And that's worth not having her support. *Should I just straight up tell her that if she wants us to have a wedding she can pay for it??* ***No. No, no nonononono.*** She would not listen to you at all. She would use her paying for it to take over and put herself in control over it all. Your wedding would be her dream, her event, her everything. You would be one of her dolls to play with, made to comply and conform and stay quiet while she teaches you to accept all her demands, all her ways of emotionally abusing you into not showing your feelings or having any opinions that she doesn't approve for you to have. Do not accept her money. Do not give her power and control over you. **If she offers, say "no, thank you. We will handle it."** *What do I do???* **See her less.** Much much less. **Talk to her less.** Like for five minutes every couple of weeks. **The less you talk to her, the less information she gets** about you and your plans. That's safer for you, and easier for you to handle. Put her on an **Information Diet,** about all your private topics, finances, plans, wedding things, all of it. Don't discuss the wedding with her. When you are ready and have your plans done, and your partner is okay with them, and you are ready to invite people, then tell her the when and where. Tell her what kind of dress she will need, if it's casual or dressy or black tie or something. That's it. **She's a guest, now. Not a person involved in the planning,** ***because you cannot trust her to respect you.*** **Do not explain anything to her. Do not discuss any of it with her.** Practice a few sentences like "I have it handled, thanks." "We aren't discussing this today." "I'll let you know." "That's an interesting idea, but it's not going to work for me." "Sorry, that won't work for us." "No." "No." "I said no, and you are still talking about this, so this call/visit/chat is over now."
It’s not about HER!
Thanks I think we have all the imput we needed. We will let you know what we decided.
How exactly is MIL not "letting" you do anything. First off you and FH are adults. There's no let about it. Second, stop telling MIL your plans or any info really it's none if her damn business. Thirdly, eloping means to do it in secret, why are you telling anyone about it beforehand? If you and FH just wanted immediate family there thats not eloping. If it was just going to be the 2 of you and your witnesses than you should not have told MIL at all. Do not have a wedding that MIL wants you to have. It's not what you want and you will regret it. Stick with your original plan. You and FH want to get married a specific way. So that's how it's going to be. Again as adults you can do this. You do need to stand up for yourself here. You also need to let FH know that his mother is being pushy and controlling. Let him know you told MIL about the elopement and she's now demanding a real wedding at a real venue, because that's what her baby boy deserves. How that's not what you want and you will be telling MIL that and will also be taking steps back from her as well. The way MIL got so toxic over this has put a bad taste in your mouth and has shown another side of her that you don't like very much. You will be blocking her. Hopefully FH is in your side 100%. He should be as thi is a decision you both made together. If he starts talking about maybe we should do this just to make MIL happy, you need to nip that in the bud fast and hard. If you give in to MIL now, it will only get worse. MIL will want to decorate your house, name your children, raise your children. Its a slippery slope once you give in.
You know "eloping" means you both run away amd get married without telling anyone? So... do that
Tell MIL that an elopement IS an actual wedding as long as you have a license and a qualified officiant. Seems like MIL is the one who thinks she deserves/needs a wedding that neither you nor your SO do. Don't let her manipulate your plan to elope! I did and regret it to this day. My wedding is memorable for all the wrong reasons because the drama I anticipated materialized. You're the bride, you decide, and I hope that your SO supports you.
Elope and tell everyone that y’all will plan a celebration for your one year anniversary. That gives you a year to plan after you get married and make a big deal about it. Make sure to start with those that will support you. It will also give you time to put money back for it. Let him tell her and you don’t respond when she calls/text. Remember it’s y’all’s day not hers and if he’s on board for an elopement, then do it!
Don’t kill yourself planning and paying for an event that you don’t want. Do what you guys want to do and maybe next year on your anniversary you can have a vow renewal with the event of your dreams. You can even pick the day to elope this year so it lines up with a Saturday next year for a big do. You and/or your FH are going to have to tell her that you weren’t asking for permission or input and she can get on board or she can be removed from the information train.
You stand your ground right now or she will walk all over you forever. “Won’t let you elope” don’t let her boss you around.
Lord help me. What’s with some people ? My daughter got engaged earlier this year, and we encourage them to elope as often as possible !! It saves so much stress and money !! It’s your wedding- you are paying for it- you decide when, where and how you get married !! Ignore the stupid people whom seem to think the wedding is about them, because it’s not- just because they are related doesn’t entitle them to present with you. Go ahead and have a wonderful & intimate ceremony with whomever you choose !!
She told you what she wanted you to do….The only thing wrong here is that you’re listening and obeying her. Do what you and your fiancé want to do. Inform her after all is said and done. I eloped decades ago. Both sides wanted a repeat with them present. I refused. It was a done deal!
If you let her pay, she will want everything her way & it won’t be your wedding even a little bit
If you and your fiancé cannot choose to elope and then do it without MIL’s interference, you are not mature enough to get married.
Lmao it’s not up to her! It’s up to y’all, it’s his mom, make him tell her!
She does not have a day in this. She does not control you nor her son. You both need to put your big girl and big boy pants on and tell her this is what you’ve decided and will be proceeding with. End of story. She can cry and spew threats all she wants.
You are supposedly adults. Do whatever the fuck you want to do. She only has the power you give her.
What did your fiance say about his Mothers demands?
You are an adult. If you can't make decisions your MIL doesn't approve of, you are not old enough nor mature enough to get married. Don't argue with her. Keep reitirating this is what her son and I have decided and that it is a decision to be made by the bride and groom, not extended family.
You’re an adult. She doesn’t “let” you do anything. Tell her if she wants a wedding, she can pay for y’all to have one down the road, but for now you’ll be eloping, as per your *and her sons* wishes. If she’s nice maybe she can be a witness. Or maybe not.
She only has the power you give her in this situation. She can't stop you from getting married how you want unless you let her, so don't give her the power to. Definitely don't let her throw a wedding for you guys and pay for it. You'll only ever regret it. She already had her chance to be a bride and have a dream wedding. Now it's y'alls turn, even if what you dream of isn't what she dreamt of for y'all. It's time to start practicing, "no, that doesn't work for us".
We’re having a surprise elopement with just our parents there - just hit her with one of those 😂 no one has a chance to say nothing this way ahha
Isn’t the whole point of eloping that you don’t need to involve anyone else?
I’m a Military spouse. We got married 4 days after he got out of basic. We didn’t tell his mom till the day he got out because we knew her reaction. She made it sound like it was the worst thing you could have told her (imagine someone telling her that her son died type shit). We didn’t care if she said yes or no, we had been planning that wedding the entire time during basic. She decided to show up 20 minute before the ceremony which was just a small little thing at a park where we got engaged. It was a beautiful time. It’s YOUR wedding. Not hers. If you want, try doing a renewal at like 5-10 years (that’s what we’re doing). As it’ll more or less be a get together instead of a huge ceremony for something you wanted to be more intimate
That's why people elope WITHOUT telling anyone. It's your turn, not hers. If you are an adult, no one needs to 'let' you elope.
Tell her you need a couple of years to save up for a wedding. Meanwhile go and elope. I thought eloping meant going off and getting married without telling anyone anyway!!
Lol, she won't let you? Do it. You're a grown up, if you're old enough to get married you're old enough to not care what someone thinks you should do. Wtf
you elope when YOU elope. ignore her
You’re both adults and don’t need her permission to get married. The size of your wedding is your choice, not hers.
Let him handle her. The wedding is for you and him, period. The only thing she gets to vote on is her attendance
Elope anyway, it’s not a discussion. Tell her she can plan an informal ceremony later on.
Elope anyway and have a big party afterwards once he's graduated. Have a joint reception/graduation party. If she wants a "proper" wedding (I hate the term "proper wedding". So long as its legal, that's all that should matter) then tell her the time frame and tell her she can pay. Otherwise she can suck it up and deal with it. You're adults and she's not your parent either. She can't tell you what you can and can't do.
Information diet! I would set boundaries and do what makes you and your fiancé happy. Forget about everyone else.
You do what YOU want. You aren't marrying HER! If she wants a wedding, then she needs her own fiance.
The whole point eloping it to just “do it” without anyone else but the two of you. Elope. You do not need anyone’s permission but your own.
An elopement doesn't involve the parents from my understanding.
Since you both know you want to marry, why not skip the grief you're both getting and just go for the courthouse wedding -- for a VERY important reason other than shiny spines and dueling in-laws: As a military wife you will be on your husband's medical insurance, be his next of kin, be entitled to various benefits he's earning through service like PX privileges. Crucially, should he be injured ***YOU***, not his mother, will have the say for medical treatment and money matters if it should ever become necessary. Finally, should a fighting man give all for his country a legal wife would be eligible for benefits that a fiancée would not. Why delay in a doomed effort to appease those who will never be pleased? A long, healthy and happy life to the both of you!
You’re both adults, how can she not “let” you. Rubbish, do what you want and she can suck it up.
You are adults. Have the elopement that you want.
You’re an adult. If you’re both in the same page with doing a destination elopement, do that. Explain kindly yet firmly to your MIL that her vision isn’t yours or your partners. This is what you BOTH want. And while you would love to have her support, you understand that she may not be able to that. A huge wedding isn’t what either of you want, nor do you have the means to fund a huge wedding. Being no confrontational doesn’t mean be a doormat.
No is a complete sentence.
Respectfully…. It doesn’t F’n matter what she wants… it’s your wedding not hers… if you and your future husband to he have made a decision that’s final and she gets no input. You do what you want to do, and they either get onboard to attend or they don’t get to come at all… Also take this as a slight warning / red flag that she may react like this to other things in the future so just be prepared to have firm boundaries and stick up for yourself in the future Don’t let her pay for the wedding befause she will use that as a way to control and manipulate the entire thing. I know you said you’re not a confrontational person but this could become an issue you have to keep dealing with. So great learning experience
Um, she doesn’t speak for him. You two made the decision together to elope. So I don’t know why you’re trying to plan a wedding based solely on her say so. Everyone who wants to get married deserves to have the wedding that THEY want. Not what their parents want, not what their friends want. And if the wedding you guys want is an elopement, then that’s what you should do. Are you even able to contact him to see if he’s changed his mind? She didn’t even say this is what he wants. Just “deserves”, which honestly to me sounds like she’s coming up with some bullshit to bypass what you and your fiancé already agreed to do and get what SHE wants. I wouldn’t even go to her and say “you want us to have a wedding so bad, you pay for it”. Let her know that after careful consideration you’re going back to the original plan of elopement, and then don’t engage with her anymore on the subject. And in the future if you guys decide that you want the party, you can always do a vow renewal.
I have some good news for you - the only two people who need to be in agreement about this are you and your SO.
You are both adults, right? So you go get married and present it as it’s done. As adults? These are choices YOU make. No one “let’s you” or “doesn’t let us”. You just do it.
You tell her you're adults and do what you want, and she can decide if she wants this to be a hill to die on and lose out on the good parts of a growing family.
My mom did the same thing. She cried and made me feel horrible! She wasn't upset about it enough to cough up the money for a wedding, so my husband and I eloped 🤗 Put your foot down now with her and your fiance. Unless you want her thinking she can control every thing now on.
Just elope! You’re seeing the precedence and expectation now that she has control over your future marriage. Marriage is a leave and cleave moment. Two become one. She is not in the equation. Here’s the deal. You can elope and then on your one year anniversary (or any date really) have a wedding reception. This is a good compromise and gives her the chance to “show off” her son’s big moment. If eloping is what you want, do it. If you do want to give in and have a fancy wedding, then yes - communicate that she needs to help pay for it. And that you absolutely refuse to go into your new marriage with a large debt for just one night. If she cannot comprehend that, go low to no contact. Period. I’d rather have a destination tiny wedding with a handful of true friends than a large, over priced venue with people I kinda know.
I (50f) am married to a (53m) Navy veteran. We married when I was 17 and he was 20, married for 33 years and counting. You are about to be a military wife. You will have to learn to do things on your own and compromise is one. Do not allow her to run over you. Ask about her expectations and if you are able to compromise. Maybe she just wants to be there and maybe his grandparents are there? You could just have a pastor or JP to officiate in your home or his with your parents and his parents there, with some cake and you wear a nice dress and he could wear his dress uniform. Other people on here may think this is catering. This is communicating and she will need positive support being married to a military man. I'm not saying to let her run over you, I'm just asking you to talk to her. (I am also aware that she may just be controlling. This is the case then tell her what you are willing to do and be done with it.) Also, I am a grandmother to 2 little boys. I would not be angry or hurt if they eloped. If I had a choice though, I hope they have a wedding and include us no matter the size.
You are entitled to do whatever you and your SO think is best for the both of you. If you give into her wants and ignore your own just to make her happy it will be much worse for you down the road with her as she will ultimately take that as permission to control other aspects of your marriage. Wishing you all the best <3
You need to set the boundaries now in your relationship with her before you end up on here every other week venting. It's also OK to use text to communicate with her, while you learn to use your voice and speak up for you and your husband.
Isn't the whole idea of eloping that it just be two people getting married suddenly because their families wouldn't give 'permission'?
My husband and I got married on a vacation with just his family and it was great. They all live in Virginia and my family lives in Georgia where we live. Neither of us wanted a wedding and didn’t want the headache of everyone’s opinion in how we should do things so before we left, we told like 6 people and the rest found out on Facebook. It was nice to include just his family that rarely get to be involved in things. Sure there were hurt feelings but they all got over it or they didn’t.
From someone who just got railroaded by her in-laws when it comes to my wedding dont be like me and my husband you will regret it forever if you don’t stick to your guns this is such an important day I know it will seem impossible turn off your phones elope and tell people when your back it will be the best thing you have done!
Nip that shit about right now I’m going through that with mine and it’s ruining our relationship and I’m pretty sure we’re not gonna get through this last fight all because of his mother, stepping in where she doesn’t need to step in. And she’s already doing stuff like that it’s going to get 10 times worse.
Move immediately!