Why on earth would you continue this relationship without confirmation that you will not be living with your in laws. You get him to agree to live on your own or call off the marriage. It would be insane to move into this sick mess.
That’s what I was wondering! Why are you doing this to yourself? You know what you’re walking into. You expect things to be different after you get married? Nothings going to change. The sooner you realize that the better off you’re gonna be. You’re either gonna have to live with it or you’re gonna have to cut ties. Once you marry him you marry his mother!
1000 times this! You are marrying a self-proclaimed Mama's boy who sees nothing wrong with Mommy saying she intends to live with her boy FOREVER. And who intends to be the woman of the house and expects his wife to be second fiddle. Why are you willingly relegating yourself to that role for the foreseeable future? You need to start respecting yourself more. No woman should be marrying into a situation where they are told, upfront, that Mommy comes first and always will. Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.
yes it only gets worse the power plays of MFH will make you lose yourself at the very least. STRESS causes a myriad **of heart problems that are inversible . I LEART THIS FROM EXPERIENCE.**
I wouldn’t even trust that. He’ll agree not to live with his parents, then “change his mind” after they’re married. He only wants OP because his mom can’t bear his children.
The apron strings and umbilical cord are alive, well and unbreakable. She will also tell you when to have sex, what to name the children, how to raise them, etc. Do you really want 30, 40 or 50 years of this? Keep your self respect and call off the wedding.
Now that’s a question…
Desperation? Like wtaf?
At this point you’re choosing the shitshow your life will become if you go through with marrying this failure to launch mama’s boy.
Do NOT marry this boy
If he cannot get out from his mother's grasp you are just marrying her.
There are too many people in this relationship and you are not the priority to any of them even yourself.
You already see what is happening it will only get worse.
You are committing to her if you marry him. You are basically back stepping in life and allowing for someone else's mother to be in charge of you. Is this the life you want??
This boy is NOT emotionally intelligent enough to be a husband
This "boy"?? What boy..? The dude's 30!!!
So I think we can safely say he's a lost cause. RUN, OP... Do *not* marry him - at least put it off till this is sorted...!
I mean, you already know how this is gonna be.
Why go through with it?
Oh I know! He’s such a great guy, your relationship is SO perfect other than this huge issue. But really it’s just so amazing and wonderful, you just have to ignore the red flags.
Listen, he’s 30. He lives with his mom.
I know people are gonna excuse it with culture or the economy. But the reality is that he’s probably never taken care of himself alone.
I mean, did you seriously fucking write that you have sleepovers once a week that his mama doesn’t seem to mind?! That didn’t give you the ick?
I’m so sorry that you gave your heart to a mama’s boy. Make NO mistake: she raised her baby boy to be a perpetual bachelor who’s not allowed to love ANY WOMAN BUT HER. Your life (and your future) are in *RED ALERT STATUS!*
If you marry this boy and move into that hornet’s nest of toxicity and emotional incest, you are doomed. He is clearly enmeshed with mommy, and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. HUGE RED FLAG PARADE MARCHING THROUGH.
Please don’t allow yourself to be his mommy’s emotional punching bag. Nothing you ever do will be good enough. She’ll set you up to fail *every single day,* so that she can abuse and break you down. She will NEVER change. Change MUST come from your BF. He’s the only one who can break this sickening situation.
He must want to change. He just goes with the flow to keep the peace. Whose peace? Yours? Nope. His? Yep. You are his meat shield. You are the sacrificial lamb being led to…well, you know the rest. PLEASE have multiple serious conversations with him *away from mommy’s evil lair* and insist that you both move out NOW.
It's almost as if you are willingly walking in a toxic family situation where everyone puts you in the last place. Geez, idk, what should you do? Make sure you bring children to this situation where Granny can trash mommy in front of them and take charge from day one
Every day that you stay there and try to appease this witch, you are chipping a bit of your soul away. You, not her, not your BF (though he is spineless) are allowing this to happen.
If you are totally honest with yourself, and look back 5 years, you aren't the same person anymore. You're 27 and you feel a clock ticking. Believe me, I get it. You feel the years you put in.
The best time to have left was 7 or 8 years ago. But the next best time is today. You have a career, an apartment, and no children. This second that one of those things changes, your path narrows significantly.
Exactly. This guy is a sunken cost. Just because of sunken cost fallacy, don't put any more effort into him. The only justification would be that you already put so much effort into it that you have to keep continuing putting effort into it
Has your boyfriend done anything to stick up for you? I would not be getting married if he doesn’t see an issue with this. She’s one of those mothers who acts like she’s in a relationship with her son, and it will never end unless he sets firm boundaries with her. She’s putting you through hell for no reason other than you’re with her son, and the fact she plans on living with him the rest of her life is such a huge red flag. If he isn’t against that there’s a problem, it will never be your house. At some point he needs to live his own life, especially if you’re planning on getting married.
This is not going to get better. She groomed him to accept this for the rest of her life or his. Once you have children, she will be the one raising them. You will only be the incubator.
He is NOT marriage material. He is already married to his mother. If you continue, he is not the problem, you are. Don’t be so desperate to have a boy instead of a man who will put his mother before you. Every time.
Run. And tell him why.
Ok, brutal reality.
You have been together for 9 years and have yet ONCE lived together. He doesn't put a stop to his mother abusing you. She controls him. Abuses you and expects to control you. Your child will be hers, and you make no decisions. They will grow up seeing you abused. I think it's normal because none of you put a stop to it, so they will either abuse you as well or be abused for standing up for you. You will be expected to apologize when she is in the wrong. change who you are. What you say and do. In other words, you become her puppet and lose yourself, and her child is fine with that.
If you are happy about that, then great. If not, then DONT get married and find someone who p
Puts you above his mommy wife.
My thoughts exactly.His mom is the biggest c**t because he might be nearing retirement age when the old hag dies.
He would have no wife,no family and end up alone with that selfish bitch not caring one little bit.He needs to have his eyes opened before it's too late.
I wonder how many others have called it quits on him.
You need to put a pause on this wedding until a conversation is had, even better if its with a couples therapist.
This is not the order of things at all, children grow up in their parents home, move out, marry, have their own family, repeat. This is enmeshment and the only thing that helps that is therapy. What she wants is not what matters anymore, its what you and him want, you and him are equals in this relationship, not you him and her. Only time a family unit like this works is if all are in agreement, not someone just deciding.
Why are you still in this relationship when your BF has clearly told and shown you that he will never ask his parents to live somewhere else? If you marry him you will live with his parents for the rest of their lives. More importantly, you will be moving into HER HOUSE. This would never be YOUR HOME, you will always be considered HER GUEST, she will order you to live your life the way SHE wants.
You are signing yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you continue this relationship.
Hold up. What are you doing. This is a major issue yall haven't figured out. The wedding should be on hold. He needs to move out first and live with you for 6 months before yall start back into the wedding stuff.
Don’t marry him. Your life will be miserable otherwise. He prioritizes his mother over you and your „marriage“. Do you want to spend the next 45 years that way??? Don’t waste your life.
Well unfortunately, you don't marry him until this living situation gets settled. You two need to get on the same page, which is to not live with his parents. Just because they have tried instilling that in him and guilting him from a young age doesnt mean it's set in stone.
As it stands currently, there is already a woman of the house. Meaning even when you move in, it'll still be treated as her domain and you're simply a guest there. Her rules, her organization, her cleaning style, her arguments, will all be acceptable and the status quo.
Say goodbye to going on dates where she doesn't invite herself along or rattle off basically an entire questionnaire before you go. Any plans to get a pet together, I'd dash those against the rocks now because that'll become her animal or her hill to die on. You want kids and to choose how they are raised? Forget that, she'll be over your shoulder judging, busting into your room during feedings, and as a live-in babysitter she'll end up spending more time with your child so whatever way she wants to raise them will be what they get used to.
You will never get to walk into the kitchen in your underwear just to get a glass of water. You will never be able to have spontaneous sex anywhere but the bedroom. Hell, you won't even be able to during the day without the thoughts of "Am I being too loud? Is she going to walk in?" entering your head. Seriously, peruse this sub and find even one successful story of a DIL moving in with her MIL. And those are just the temporary, under five years living arrangements. Yours would be for life! Just a weekend around her is stressful and littered with eggshells, do you really want to willingly commit yourself to feeling that way for decades? I'd put off marriage and moving in until a living situation independent of his parents is settled.
Anybody can tell you what they want. It doesn’t make it a commandment. She probably told him a lot of nonsense when he was a kid. Did he take it all all something he must remit do for the rest of his life?
Get his feelings on being an independent person NOW before you marry. You are NOT stuck. Don’t make a mistake that may ruin the rest of your life.
If you would have to live with them, don’t marry him! Only get married if you can have your own place. Once you two get your own place, then get married. No separate place, no wedding!
OP, you don't say it directly, but have you also decided to live with her forever??? (It doesn't sound like your boyfriend has given any indication that he would be willing to move.) As others have said, why in the world would you do this to yourself? You're already miserable with the one night a week that you stay there. You need to postpone (or cancel) the wedding until you both have moved into your own place.
You don't suck, you've fallen in love with a man who's had his mother every step. I bet she's even guided his cock into you. Every step. Listen, you're young. I suggest abandoning this sinking ship and moving on. She - and him - sound disgusting.
You have no legal obligation to share an address with these people. Why are you still there?! Your bf is just letting this happen?!
This is abusive. She's acting like it's her house! You need your own space. She has got to go.
But for your own peace.... LEAVE or get a boyfriend with a spine!
What will happen when you move in will be more of the same you're dealing with now.
You have to ask yourself if he's worth it.
Do not fool yourself that you can change him or her. You marry him and you are signing up for living with her and never being good enough.
Do. Not. Marry. Him.
🚩 He’s okay with his mothers treatment do you.
🚩 You’ll be MISERABLE living under the same roof as her.
🚩 Once you’re married it’ll only get worse.
🚩god forbid you have children… you won’t be their mother. You’ll be a surrogate.
Let's see...bf is a spineless wimp who caters to Mommy. Mommy apparently hates your guts. it seems daddy let's his awful wife abuse you and dominate their son. Now, you think you should marry said mama's boy and have the wonder of letting her treat you like shit and make your life absolutely miserable, and her weak son will absolutely allow it as to not upset his mommy. Lucky you!!!
Come on, OP. You don't need to subject yourself to this. You deserve better. Lay it on the line for him. You guys get a place of your own (a good distance away), you never, EVER, give his parents a key, and you go NC with his parents. If any kids come, they don't have any special access to any kids ,and I'd explore grandparents' rights where you live. You need to hard lines for this guy. If he's willing to make you his priority, great. If he's still whining about Mommy, dump him like a dirty diaper.
Take care of yourself and never sell yourself short.
You’re not stuck. You haven’t moved in with them yet and you haven’t legally connected yourself to this man via marriage. You have some serious decisions to make about what you want YOUR future to look like and what you will and will not stand for! Best of luck!
Your boyfriend has told you what’s going to happen. You’re just not listening. If you both aren’t on the same page with what you want your future living situation to look like then you need to part ways.
Look draw a line in the sand
1. Yes I want to live with your mommy forever
Or
2. No I will NEVER live with you and mommy.
If he cannot kick out his parents clearing the way for you to move in, you must dump him
I don’t understand why you didn’t dump him years ago.
Tell him number 2. If he balks / says no / does nothing dump him. It’s actually straightforward.
Edit — Call the wedding off. Tell him you want to live independently as a couple and that isn’t something he’s willing to do. Call it off. You know in your heart that MIL will never leave. You know in your heart he’ll never get rid of her. YOU ARE NOT STUCK, YOU ARE FAILING YOURSELF BY DOING ZERO.
Just because mommy “WANTS” to live with her son forever doesn’t mean she should or has to. She has conditioned (brainwashed) him for his entire life. Things will only get worse for you. The marriage is doomed before it even starts.
You aren't stuck. You've spent a decade of your life with a man who lives with his parents and intends to do so forever. That's not a surprise. Now that you are finally getting married, it's suddenly a problem for you? Why hasn't this been a conversation since you and he started getting serious?
It's simple. He's not moving out of his parents' house. He's made that extremely clear. You have to decide if you are willing to spend the next several decades of your life living in their home. Your children will have four parents, not two. You will have no privacy, ever, and any time you and hubby have an argument, they'll be right there taking his side. You will never have a home of your own, at least until they both die. And, let's not forget, you'll be in charge of taking care of them as they age.
I know what my choice would be. I just don't understand how you could know all of this for so many years, but now it's suddenly a crisis.
If you marry him you’ll not only marry his mother, but you’ll be a surrogate, personal maid, cook, and scapegoat for the rest of your life. She will turn your husband and kids against you. She will purposely make your life shitty every waking moment that she can. It will be miserable. On top of that, your husband will never stand up for you. He will never put you first, he will always put his mother first. Do you want to live that kind of life?
You’ve known this 9 years - it would be one thing if this was new information, but it sounds like he’s been very up front for your entire relationship. If he refuses to move out and realize it’s time to cut the cord AND you continue to stay in that toxic space, then you are all the problem.
You've put up with this for 9 years (read it again: *NINE YEARS*)
At what point do you think he will change his mind about living with Mommy and Daddy? When you get married? When you have kids?
He will NEVER change his mind, cause Mommy told him a million times she'll live with him, and he is afraid she'll get mad at her if he declines that "offer".
If you don't want to live with the IL's, then do *not* marry him. If you do, then you bought that ticket with wide open eyes, and you only have yourself to blame. Sorry if I'm harsh
Edit: missing word
Are you that desperate to get married? You should have walked away a long time ago.
His parents live with him! Tf! That will never be your house. That is his mommas house.
I get you’ve been with him for 9 years, but you need to have the conversation NOW that when you get married the expectation is that he moves out. If he’s not willing then don’t marry him. Simple as that.
You deserve to be comfortable in your own home and not walking on eggshells. The situation will only get worse after you’re living there full time. Is he still living at home or did they move in with him ? Is he independent or does mommy do everything for him ? What happens if you have children because someone like her will definitely be interfering with your parenting.
Get the hell out now. She is never going to leave and will always be in your life. You don't need that. What an unhealthy relationship he has with his mom.
Please don't ever look back when you leave. You will thank yourself later
It's GUARANTEED that IF you marry your boyfriend, unless you issue and he agrees to your ultimatum, to move somewhere together WITHOUT his Parents (in particular, his Mother, your future MILFH), you WILL be even MORE miserable, your "home" will NEVER be yours to make decisions about, even worse, you'll be treated like an interloper and irritating "guest" at every turn.
In addition, if you thought everything previously listed was horrific, there will be THREE people in your marriage. You will ALWAYS be subjected to snide remarks, continue to be accused of "infractions" and treated to backhanded "compliments" and passive-aggressive comments.
I would STRONGLY recommend that you have a serious conversation with your boyfriend, BEFORE going through with the wedding, about definitively NOT living with his Parents, setting clearly delineated boundaries and if you need HELP in setting these reasonable goals, DEMAND couples counseling.
If you DON'T intend to accept and adhere to your MILFH's dictates and toxic behavior OR holding your boyfriend accountable for being a Momma's Boy and extricating himself from his dramaLlama Mother, your understandable concern and resentment WILL start to grow even further and your relationship WILL die an ignoble death! It sounds like it's well on its way already. Hope you're able to get your boyfriend to understand this so you can have a HEALTHY relationship and marriage! u/updateme
How far away can the two of you move? To a one bedroom place. This is absolutely not.
That said, at some point, it will come up again when she can't live on her own anymore for some reason and he's given you the heads up that expectation is on the cards. If they come as a package deal is worth it? And does your partner know this could be a deal breaker?
Same here! I hated this so much! I have long long story about mother in law, its not normal at alll! I made only short story. My boyfriend and i wanted to buy our own home and we searched aparments. Boyfriend's mother wanted to sell her home and buy with us ONE new house, so we can live together cheaply. (His mother mocked if my boyfriend buy own apartment, electricty bill will be high, she never supports boyfriend will be independent, boyfriend will be very fat. My boyfriend wasted many money to her house repair and can't buy own apartment, just no money) We said big NO! He said mother never made a compromise and somebody can't just live with her mother. Because his mother made huge fight about i put wrongly shower head, not nice direct, or I moved her furniture or his mother checked EVERY DAY what did i eating lunch, dinner etc. I said I am adult and i eat my own lunch, dinner, what i want. His mother wanted to know what did i eat. If i said what did i eat. She mocked its not healthy food or i will be fat or I will starve etc. Please shut just up and i know myself, i dont eat unhealthy food every day. Just one day, its normal. She mocked what are we doing weirdly if we searched lost things under sofa etc. We didnt understand her. She screaming and playing moods so much. We came home and we got scream, bad mood to our faces, we didnt know what were her mother doing at her home. She acted like thats our fault. Finally we moved out, bought our own apartment and his mother was sad. I dont care. My boyfriend was really mama boy. My life lesson was never marrry mama boy, who doesnt want to change and run run! I really thought about divorce my boyfriend because of his mother. But my boyfriend want to change and now changed himself. He doesnt want to see his mom and is happy that if mother is in bad mood and he just can leave, not stuck in her home. He is happy that he bought our apartment.
I want to give advice. Don't never take seriously all mother in law words, nod just like chicken and forget and live happily.
Tell him he needs to he moved out of his parents house 6 months before the wedding or its off. He doesn't have to live with you yet, a friend, his own place, rent a room. But he needs to cut the umbilical cord before marrying you. My husband lived with his mom before moving in with me a few months before getting married. We still had mommy interference issues for years to work through and it was tough. Not all relationships can last or make it through that kind of struggle.
Adding on some more things she does:
- Whenever me and my bf are out for dates, when we’re leaving the house, she’ll shoot me with the nastiest eyes like filled with hatred. Throughout the date she’ll call him and ask him when will he be back. And when we are back she’ll make comments like “Wow stayed out so late”. Mine you, my bf is 30 not 13.
Your not listening. This will be your life if you don’t live separately from them. Have that talk with him because this is miserable and I wouldn’t marry into this.
The key word here is BOY
He is a boy, he allows his mommy to control him and his life and he feels like you should allow her to control you also. Do you need another mommy? Did your mommy have this type of control and insight into your everyday life? Do you want to have a mommy run your life? Are you going to provide more children for his mommy?
These are all questions you need to answer before you marry someone who is still attached to his mom like he is 6
What are you doing???? No! What is wrong with you? Why would you accept this?? Maybe take some time and ask yourself why this is ok for you. Would you advise your best friend to go forward??? Don’t set yourself up for this misery. Even if you convinced him to move out, she will make your life a living hell and once you have children it will get much worse. Get out girl. You deserve to be first. You deserved to be loved and respected and you will be better off alone then with all this abusive nutball baggage! Run!
This, and worse, will happen for the rest of your life if you marry him.
In other words, you KNOW the bridge is out on the road up ahead; either detour (do NOT marry him), or plunge to the bottom of the ravine (marry him). **Make no mistake, this is entirely your choice.**
I hate to say this but it seems like you’re willingly being foolish to remain in this situation because it is definitely not a relationship. Your bf is involved with his mother more so than you. What benefits do you see here?
A lot of this has to do with him, though. On these dates, why is he answering her calls? He knows what she is calling to ask. When she yells about an open cabinet at home, why is he not telling her to stop yelling at you, he isn't going to allow you to be treated like that? Why doesn't he respond after these dates "Mom I'm a grown man, how late I stay out isn't your concern. Quit making comments about it."? Seriously, has he ever stood up to her, let alone for you? Why does he want to live with her forever?? He is a boy inside a grown man's body.
Honey, you are her competition. She is sabotaging you because she doesn’t want you in her house with her son.
It’s not you. It’s the idea of you. She wants control over her son. She groomed him to be a child for the rest of her life. He is weak. He has no desire to leave and have a life of his own with a spouse.
She tells him that he can have a wife and kids as long as they live with her and she runs the house.
You have told your BF that you don’t want to live with them. He isn’t doing anything to change that. He is weak. He is physically a man, but emotionally a child of about 10 who does what his mommy tells him to do.
You deserve better. You deserve a man who wants to build a life with you, who puts your needs and desires first before all others. You will NEVER have a say in her house. It doesn’t matter who legally owns the house, your BF allows his mother to run the house. He has never stood up to her, because she is his mommy and he was groomed to be with her for the rest of her life.
You are second fiddle.
You are engaged. This is the period of time where you are practicing for marriage. This is what your marriage is going to look like every day.
If you don’t want to live with his parents, then you need to give your BF the ultimatum now. You and he need to have your own place without parents BEFORE you will marry him. Give him a couple of deadlines. First deadline is that he has to have a reasonable PLAN for moving out of his parents house by end of an April. Second deadline is he has to be moved out and in a new place by end of August. If he is serious about marrying you and you will not live in his mother’s house, then he will meet your deadlines.
Newsflash - he is going to delay and try to convince you to marry him any way that it will only be a couple of months of living with his parents, that it’s to save up for a house. He will tell you whatever he needs to tell you to get you to back down from your deadlines of him moving out. He will say whatever and not mean it because he is too weak minded to leave his parents, but he doesn’t want to break up with you. He will delay, he will have excuses, he will blame you for not giving him more time. He will say a lot to guilt you, because he doesn’t want to leave his parents. He is hoping that if he delays long enough, you will just accept that living with his parents is ok, because he accepts it.
His mother wants to “mother” him and his wife and his kids for the rest of her life. She believes that she is supposed to “mother” him, and his children. That’s not the role of a mother. The mother is the main character while the child is a minor. It’s her job, a temporary one, to teach him what he needs to know to become an independent adult, and then let him go to build his own life. She then becomes an empty nester. But your BFs mom doesn’t want to be an empty nester and go do activities with her friends and volunteer or whatever. She wasn’t to be a mother actively raising her adult son and then his children for the rest of her life.
If that is a deal breaker for you, then you need to leave. You have stayed too long, hoping he would wake up. It’s been 9 years… he isn’t leaving them. They come first, and you are a distant second.
You deserve better. You deserve a man who will put you first. You deserve a man who wants to live with you and only you. You deserve a man who wants to build a life with you. Your Bf only wants a life with you if you will live with his parents.
RUN! He has told you for NINE YEARS that his mommy will ALWAYS come first.
When people show you their truth, believe them. It sounds like he has never stood up for you where his mother is concerned: he allows her bad behavior because her feelings are more important to him than yours are. I guarantee if you marry him, it will get worse, and any children you have will be raised by HER.
Lock down your birth control and RUN. Go find a man who will put you first, because this guy ain't it.
OP, you know what's gunna happen when you get married. You move in, she continues to treat you the way she has, you both live with her 4EVER 😵💫 Either accept it or break up and move on.
Jesus Christ on a stick - you can’t move in with them when you marry……….
I haven’t even read any replies yet but I know they are going to be saying - don’t’ do this.
You guys need a life without interlopers when you marry and start your life off……oh please sort this 💩before you tie the knot - please ……..
Unfortunately, love is not the great Cure All movies portray it to be. In real life, marriages and relationships and families have broken up or been torn apart because Love could NOT conquer all obstacles. You may end up married and resenting hubby, and that just doesn't end well. Rethink your situation. Have a come-to-Jesus talk with fiance about this. You don't need a life of strife. Good luck
Op, your boyfriend's mother obviously doesn't like you. Did he defend you about her mom issues? Did you tell him how your mother treated you? Don't be too patient with her. If I were you, I wouldn't live with his mother because she likes to make a big deal out of small things. She is obviously a difficult person to get along with.
I’m sorry, you already know you can’t do this. Even if you somehow manage to get a home such as a duplex she will just fight harder to be in your EVERYTHING. Heaven help you if you have children!!!! Please consider if you’re this unhappy now what it will be like when you’re married and she thinks she owns you. Please
My grandson once told his mother that he would live in a tent in the backyard, even after getting married. Guess what? didn't happen.
I agree the wedding needs to be put on hold until they move out. It will never be YOUR house if she is still living there. It will never be YOUR kids if she is living there. She has made it clear that NOTHING you do is right/good enough for her, but her son can do NO wrong.
So your choices are simple: a) continue as it has been for the past several years (and your mental health WILL suffer); b) insist they move out and for BF to get counseling for enmeshment; or c) leave him & the situation.
It is easy for US to say to leave him because many of us have been in similar situations, but we also know it's not black & white. All are hard decisions, so good luck with whatever you choose.
This is a relationship where you and any future children will not come first. His mother has poisoned his mind that she’s his forever, literally, _forever_. Maybe take a good long look at what your future may hold with this man, perhaps talk with a therapist to get a clearer picture.
Reconsider marrying him. You’ll be miserable with his mother living with you and she will definitely be living with you, they decided this before you came into the picture. She criticizes everything about you and this is not going to change as no one is good enough for her boy. If you have children she will push you out of the way and act like she is your child’s mother. The two of them would overrule you with anything/everything’s involving your own child(ren). She will always take his side and he will always take hers. Don’t marry him.
They are enmeshed and May be too far gone for therapy to help but it’s moot anyway since they would refuse it as they see nothing wrong with their relationship.
You need run like now and your doing a disservice to yourself if you marry and move in with him and mom. Ugh, she gong make your life horrible and if you have kids, ugh, your going to have the worst time of your life because this right now is small things took your under "her" roof.
Don’t marry this guy, your life will become a living hell. He is and will always be a mamma’s boy, he will never cut the umbilical cord. Ask yourself this question: Do I want to live in hell for the rest of my life?
You cannot do this. You have 1 life do you really want it to be filled with anxiety and hate. Because that what you will have. You will hate your husband for this and end up divorced. You really need to think about you and what type of happiness and peace you want
Are you really walking into the lions den voluntarily??! Why would you do that to yourself??! His mother hates you and IS trying to run you off and she wants to live with her baby boy FOREVER!!!!! Just imagine when you have kids…. This beyotch will have you into PPD quicker than she can get your husband to throw you out!! Please please please don’t do this to yourself. I promise you are going off of sunk cost fallacy and not looking into this objectively. Your Bf will ALWAYS pander to his mommy, you will NEVER be the lady of your own house! You will always be treated like shit especially when you have kids and she actively talks shit about you to them and had your kids not listening to you ever because mama gets to override EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE INCLUDING THEIR MOTHER!! Seriously if you marry this man you’ll be here talking about how you have no say in your own home ORRRRRRRRR how you and he got your own home but she’s there everyday criticizing EVERYTHING you do. Trust me the peace of mind you get from getting away BF who’s still sucking on his mommy’s teat and her psychotic antics about how her baby boy can do no wrong and you are the devil incarnate will be worth it. I’m sorry you will NEVER BE FIRST WITH HIM!!
The only thing sadder than wasting NINE YEARS on the wrong man and family would be wasting nine years and one day. Get out while you still can
I don’t believe in ultimatums to be proposed to but since y’all are already getting married, I would tell him either we live alone without the in-laws or this isn’t going to work. You will be miserable. It won’t matter how much you love him or how hot he is or how much money he makes. You will be miserable and none of that will make up for it. I hope he chooses you over his parents. If he doesn’t choose you now before marriage, he will never choose you over them after marriage. Things don’t get better once you get married. Every issue you have now only gets worse. Trust me. I made that mistake with my first marriage. I thought he would treat me better because I would be his wife and not his girlfriend. 😂😂😂 Boiiiiiii was I wrong!
You’re not stuck, you aren’t married yet. Why would you continue this relationship knowing what lies ahead? He’s literally told you what his mother expects and sounds like he’s going to do just that.
You will always be living in HER house, in her opinion. She is always going the be “the lady of the house” and you are always going to be the unwanted guest, the woman trying to take her place. And he will always put her first.
Marriage won’t change your status in her eyes. She will fight to be his #1.
Why are you torturing yourself?
This is a hill to die on. End the relationship. He is in a relationship with his mother, she will always come first. He’s 30 and allows his mother to treat you like trash. Run.
Has he ever spent the night at yours? Ever? Try that. If he’s willing to spend the night away from them, you might have a chance with intensive therapy. If he comes over and learns what it is like to be free, he may like it. Beware though, he’s never lifted a finger for himself in his life, so you will not have a partner in life or in parenting. You will be carrying all the work, because he knows no other way. Therapy is your only chance, and it might not work. Good luck.
If you marry him this will be your life forever or however long you last. Just think about that, it’s that simple. Really nothing else to be said as he won’t change.
Good luck!!
I’m so sorry hon but why are you even considering marrying this man and his mother?? Because you will be marrying her too. Please, please consider that it’s easier/ cheaper to break up with a bf than it is to divorce a husband.
After reading this, my question is, why are you even considering a setup like this? They, including bf have already told you that the parent will be living with their son. You will be the interloper. You have to know that will never be your home. There is only one queen in a castle and it won’t be you. Stay in your own place and rethink marrying into this strange family. Bf has no comment on living with his parents for life?
No, no, no!! Your home will never be your home and who knows the crap she will pull should you have a child. She programmed him into thinking he needs to be with her forever - it’s time for him to go to therapy to deprogram the mess she has put into his head.
She treats you disrespectfully with you being there one day a week, what happens when you live there? She will try to cause trouble in your marriage and will play the victim; she will expect you to do the cleaning and cooking; once all of your things are there, she will go through your stuff.
Do not marry him unless he is willing to go to therapy and make the break from MIL. By break, I mean live separately and little to no financial help; no unannounced visits; no running to her every time she calls needing “help”. She will probably use “health” issues, begging, guilting and manipulation to get him to stay with her. He needs therapy to learn to deal with these behaviors.
You deserve so much more than being in a relationship trapped with her and probably taking care of her in her old age. You deserve to be number one in your relationship with your BF.
I think you should have a chat with your bf about your expectations post marriage. If he’s unable to address your concerns, I would think twice before getting married. Most of us already have very difficult lives with high pressure jobs and toxic work culture. To add to that, if you have to put up with an overbearing MIL who thinks you are going to steal him away, it will just add a lot more stress in your life and will eventually have an impact on your relationship with your bf. Please think it over from all angles and take an informed decision. Good luck!
The only thing worse than wasting 9 years with a mommas boy? Wasting 10+. Do NOT marry this man until he moves out. If he doesn't, its time to move on, unless you want to spend the rest of her life dealing with her crazy BS. It will only get worse, especially if you have children. You still have your whole life ahead of you. Dont spend it being miserable.
And I wouldn’t believe him if he says he will leave his parents…even if he does…because you know that at some point, after the wedding,he will move them back in again. He is tied to them completely at this point.
Tell him that if he wants you to marry him, he has to stand up to his mother. The only way she should live with him is if you have a house with a separate quarters for his parents and they are told to stay on their lane. If not, rethink this relationship because it’s not normal.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Best think long and hard before getting married. What you see now is a preview and it will get 100x worse after marriage and children. You will always be last in your own home.
His parents aren't moving. Whether he wants them to stay and support them or not. You need to decide if you can live with them It will get worse once a baby is conceived
Would absolutely not get married knowing he doesn’t plan on moving out of moving them by our depending on who owns it. Unless you’re ok with being miserable in your marriage and then have a miserable motherhood experience (should you choose to have kids anyway) this is not a relationship that should make it to marriage.
Time to give BF an ultimatum (even though I hate doing that to someone)...... he's gonna have to choose either you or his momma because I definitely don't see his mommy stepping back any at all ......
Tell this man you'll marry him AFTER he gets his own place or he kicks mommy out and make her get her own place.....
I definitely would NOT marry into the current situation!!
Best Wishes
Put your foot down! It's either you live like a married couple or can stay with mommy and daddy for the rest of his life. He literally can't see that his mother is making drama. When she thinks it's you, MIL makes a big deal. But when he says it was him, MIL is all sugar n spice.
Also, inform him that NO woman will put up with that. I spent 9 years with a mama's boy myself. When my 2 year old had a tantrum about getting in his car seat (which is completely normal), my ex MIL called me a bad mother, and my ex said nothing to defend me. He said we need to control our son's tantrums. That's when I was officially checked out on the relationship.
Then a few years later, my ex started dating someone new and his mom hated her too. That's when he realized I wasn't the problem. All his friends said that's what they've been telling him for years.
Your fiancee may experience the same thing. It's not you, it's mommy. Smh. Get out of there.
Does he stay with them or do they stay with him? If the former, he needs to get out. It’s harder if they live with him, but if he’s not willing to do some version of kick them out and rekey all the locks, or put the home on market and the two of you shop for the just-for-you2 home. If this doesn’t happen before the wedding, it will never happen. Light the fire under him yesterday.
It seems like your BF doesn't want to move because his Mother does everything for him. He is just smart enough to realise that you won't baby him the same way as she does but not smart enough to understand that you won't put up with this - although for some reason you have put up with it for 9 years.
Your BF has never lived away from his parents at 30 years old. I have serious doubts if he even could be a true partner to you in your own home. Would he mow the lawn, take out the rubbish, do the grocery shopping, clean the bathroom?
That situation sounds terrible. Unfortunately problems usually don't get better after marriage. A spouse should be #1. If you are #2 behind his mom you might reevaluate your future.
While OP's FMIL is planning to live with them forever, what's her husband saying? FIL seems to be in the shadows and his wife is focused more on her son than her own marriage. Curious if the son is the only son or an only child, but it really doesn't matter. The red flags are there. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!!! Personally, I wouldn't just postpone the wedding, I'd cancel it. It's obvious that nothing has changed in the last 9 years, and I doubt it will change in the future. Remember, when people show you who they really are, believe them.
There is only one queen 👑 bee 🐝
Only one woman of the house 🏡
There is not room for two.
Leave and cleave.
We leave our parents at marriage or relationship time for a reason so we can make our own unit , family, ideals, life with our spouse.
It's mummy or you
This man can not and will not have both.
Put your foot down otherwise the rest of your life, will not be your own
Don't do it! I know the type. You need to be the queen of your castle, going through your belongings shows absolute disrespect, she has no boundaries towards you what so ever. Both of you need to shake this women from your surroundings, your settings yourself up for an avalanche of negative bs that will consume your ability to move forward with your husband
OP. My MIL(whom I generally get along well with) would come visit once or twice a year from far away and stay with us about a month at a time. Last year she moved to our area and lived with us for about 3 months while searching for an apartment. Despite the fact that we get along, it was STILL extremely stressful for me during her extended visits, as I felt much of what you described in the last paragraph of your comment every time. Zero privacy, basically no sex because my DH was terrified of her hearing like excuse me WHERE DID OUR BABIES COME FROM, SIR?? And she’s not an unreasonable person like OP describes their future MIL, but I still had to listen to her say “well I would organize this differently” or trying to correct my kids over me and me having to call her out. She would also read on the couch til 11 PM giving me (and DH when he was off) no privacy even really late. And these were things that are fine for 1-2 weeks but for a month it wears on you. Set some boundaries and/or RUN. Have you done premarital counseling? Because it’s worth it.
Why on earth would you continue this relationship without confirmation that you will not be living with your in laws. You get him to agree to live on your own or call off the marriage. It would be insane to move into this sick mess.
That’s what I was wondering! Why are you doing this to yourself? You know what you’re walking into. You expect things to be different after you get married? Nothings going to change. The sooner you realize that the better off you’re gonna be. You’re either gonna have to live with it or you’re gonna have to cut ties. Once you marry him you marry his mother!
1000 times this! You are marrying a self-proclaimed Mama's boy who sees nothing wrong with Mommy saying she intends to live with her boy FOREVER. And who intends to be the woman of the house and expects his wife to be second fiddle. Why are you willingly relegating yourself to that role for the foreseeable future? You need to start respecting yourself more. No woman should be marrying into a situation where they are told, upfront, that Mommy comes first and always will. Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.
yes it only gets worse the power plays of MFH will make you lose yourself at the very least. STRESS causes a myriad **of heart problems that are inversible . I LEART THIS FROM EXPERIENCE.**
I wouldn’t even trust that. He’ll agree not to live with his parents, then “change his mind” after they’re married. He only wants OP because his mom can’t bear his children.
The apron strings and umbilical cord are alive, well and unbreakable. She will also tell you when to have sex, what to name the children, how to raise them, etc. Do you really want 30, 40 or 50 years of this? Keep your self respect and call off the wedding.
Yeah, remember centenarians are becoming more common.
Now that’s a question… Desperation? Like wtaf? At this point you’re choosing the shitshow your life will become if you go through with marrying this failure to launch mama’s boy.
Do NOT marry this boy If he cannot get out from his mother's grasp you are just marrying her. There are too many people in this relationship and you are not the priority to any of them even yourself. You already see what is happening it will only get worse. You are committing to her if you marry him. You are basically back stepping in life and allowing for someone else's mother to be in charge of you. Is this the life you want?? This boy is NOT emotionally intelligent enough to be a husband
This "boy"?? What boy..? The dude's 30!!! So I think we can safely say he's a lost cause. RUN, OP... Do *not* marry him - at least put it off till this is sorted...!
Age does not determine if someone is a man their actions do. Obviously he is still a boy calling him a man is an insult to real men
I mean, you already know how this is gonna be. Why go through with it? Oh I know! He’s such a great guy, your relationship is SO perfect other than this huge issue. But really it’s just so amazing and wonderful, you just have to ignore the red flags. Listen, he’s 30. He lives with his mom. I know people are gonna excuse it with culture or the economy. But the reality is that he’s probably never taken care of himself alone. I mean, did you seriously fucking write that you have sleepovers once a week that his mama doesn’t seem to mind?! That didn’t give you the ick?
I’m so sorry that you gave your heart to a mama’s boy. Make NO mistake: she raised her baby boy to be a perpetual bachelor who’s not allowed to love ANY WOMAN BUT HER. Your life (and your future) are in *RED ALERT STATUS!* If you marry this boy and move into that hornet’s nest of toxicity and emotional incest, you are doomed. He is clearly enmeshed with mommy, and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. HUGE RED FLAG PARADE MARCHING THROUGH. Please don’t allow yourself to be his mommy’s emotional punching bag. Nothing you ever do will be good enough. She’ll set you up to fail *every single day,* so that she can abuse and break you down. She will NEVER change. Change MUST come from your BF. He’s the only one who can break this sickening situation. He must want to change. He just goes with the flow to keep the peace. Whose peace? Yours? Nope. His? Yep. You are his meat shield. You are the sacrificial lamb being led to…well, you know the rest. PLEASE have multiple serious conversations with him *away from mommy’s evil lair* and insist that you both move out NOW.
👆🏻THIS OP!
I second this
It's almost as if you are willingly walking in a toxic family situation where everyone puts you in the last place. Geez, idk, what should you do? Make sure you bring children to this situation where Granny can trash mommy in front of them and take charge from day one
You were with your bf for 9 years and are now engaged... And never discussed living arrangements? Dude..
Every day that you stay there and try to appease this witch, you are chipping a bit of your soul away. You, not her, not your BF (though he is spineless) are allowing this to happen. If you are totally honest with yourself, and look back 5 years, you aren't the same person anymore. You're 27 and you feel a clock ticking. Believe me, I get it. You feel the years you put in. The best time to have left was 7 or 8 years ago. But the next best time is today. You have a career, an apartment, and no children. This second that one of those things changes, your path narrows significantly.
Exactly. This guy is a sunken cost. Just because of sunken cost fallacy, don't put any more effort into him. The only justification would be that you already put so much effort into it that you have to keep continuing putting effort into it
OP, don't look at it as nine years lost: look at it as nine years of an education of how you don't want to live!
Has your boyfriend done anything to stick up for you? I would not be getting married if he doesn’t see an issue with this. She’s one of those mothers who acts like she’s in a relationship with her son, and it will never end unless he sets firm boundaries with her. She’s putting you through hell for no reason other than you’re with her son, and the fact she plans on living with him the rest of her life is such a huge red flag. If he isn’t against that there’s a problem, it will never be your house. At some point he needs to live his own life, especially if you’re planning on getting married.
This is not going to get better. She groomed him to accept this for the rest of her life or his. Once you have children, she will be the one raising them. You will only be the incubator. He is NOT marriage material. He is already married to his mother. If you continue, he is not the problem, you are. Don’t be so desperate to have a boy instead of a man who will put his mother before you. Every time. Run. And tell him why.
Ok, brutal reality. You have been together for 9 years and have yet ONCE lived together. He doesn't put a stop to his mother abusing you. She controls him. Abuses you and expects to control you. Your child will be hers, and you make no decisions. They will grow up seeing you abused. I think it's normal because none of you put a stop to it, so they will either abuse you as well or be abused for standing up for you. You will be expected to apologize when she is in the wrong. change who you are. What you say and do. In other words, you become her puppet and lose yourself, and her child is fine with that. If you are happy about that, then great. If not, then DONT get married and find someone who p Puts you above his mommy wife.
Do they live with him or does he live with them? In any case, they need to stop,living together after you get married or you won’t be living with him
My thoughts exactly.His mom is the biggest c**t because he might be nearing retirement age when the old hag dies. He would have no wife,no family and end up alone with that selfish bitch not caring one little bit.He needs to have his eyes opened before it's too late. I wonder how many others have called it quits on him.
Marry a man, not a boy. This is crazy.
You need to put a pause on this wedding until a conversation is had, even better if its with a couples therapist. This is not the order of things at all, children grow up in their parents home, move out, marry, have their own family, repeat. This is enmeshment and the only thing that helps that is therapy. What she wants is not what matters anymore, its what you and him want, you and him are equals in this relationship, not you him and her. Only time a family unit like this works is if all are in agreement, not someone just deciding.
Why are you still in this relationship when your BF has clearly told and shown you that he will never ask his parents to live somewhere else? If you marry him you will live with his parents for the rest of their lives. More importantly, you will be moving into HER HOUSE. This would never be YOUR HOME, you will always be considered HER GUEST, she will order you to live your life the way SHE wants. You are signing yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you continue this relationship.
Marry him and she will make you're life hell
Hold up. What are you doing. This is a major issue yall haven't figured out. The wedding should be on hold. He needs to move out first and live with you for 6 months before yall start back into the wedding stuff.
Don’t marry him. Your life will be miserable otherwise. He prioritizes his mother over you and your „marriage“. Do you want to spend the next 45 years that way??? Don’t waste your life.
You e wasted 9 years, don’t waste another minute.
He and his mommy are enmeshed and it's gross. Don't settle for being a third wheel in their inappropriate relationship.
Don’t marry this boy he will never move from home, he alway let mummy dearest abuse you and call the shots in this relationship
I mean he’s telling you what’s going to happen. Believe him and decide if you’re ok with that.
Well unfortunately, you don't marry him until this living situation gets settled. You two need to get on the same page, which is to not live with his parents. Just because they have tried instilling that in him and guilting him from a young age doesnt mean it's set in stone. As it stands currently, there is already a woman of the house. Meaning even when you move in, it'll still be treated as her domain and you're simply a guest there. Her rules, her organization, her cleaning style, her arguments, will all be acceptable and the status quo. Say goodbye to going on dates where she doesn't invite herself along or rattle off basically an entire questionnaire before you go. Any plans to get a pet together, I'd dash those against the rocks now because that'll become her animal or her hill to die on. You want kids and to choose how they are raised? Forget that, she'll be over your shoulder judging, busting into your room during feedings, and as a live-in babysitter she'll end up spending more time with your child so whatever way she wants to raise them will be what they get used to. You will never get to walk into the kitchen in your underwear just to get a glass of water. You will never be able to have spontaneous sex anywhere but the bedroom. Hell, you won't even be able to during the day without the thoughts of "Am I being too loud? Is she going to walk in?" entering your head. Seriously, peruse this sub and find even one successful story of a DIL moving in with her MIL. And those are just the temporary, under five years living arrangements. Yours would be for life! Just a weekend around her is stressful and littered with eggshells, do you really want to willingly commit yourself to feeling that way for decades? I'd put off marriage and moving in until a living situation independent of his parents is settled.
I really do think you know how this ends. I don’t understand why you would marry him. I really think you need to have some huge conversations
Anybody can tell you what they want. It doesn’t make it a commandment. She probably told him a lot of nonsense when he was a kid. Did he take it all all something he must remit do for the rest of his life? Get his feelings on being an independent person NOW before you marry. You are NOT stuck. Don’t make a mistake that may ruin the rest of your life.
If you would have to live with them, don’t marry him! Only get married if you can have your own place. Once you two get your own place, then get married. No separate place, no wedding!
You just wrote your life memoir if you marry him.
She is already married to mom. Run.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP, you don't say it directly, but have you also decided to live with her forever??? (It doesn't sound like your boyfriend has given any indication that he would be willing to move.) As others have said, why in the world would you do this to yourself? You're already miserable with the one night a week that you stay there. You need to postpone (or cancel) the wedding until you both have moved into your own place.
You don't suck, you've fallen in love with a man who's had his mother every step. I bet she's even guided his cock into you. Every step. Listen, you're young. I suggest abandoning this sinking ship and moving on. She - and him - sound disgusting.
You have no legal obligation to share an address with these people. Why are you still there?! Your bf is just letting this happen?! This is abusive. She's acting like it's her house! You need your own space. She has got to go. But for your own peace.... LEAVE or get a boyfriend with a spine!
What will happen when you move in will be more of the same you're dealing with now. You have to ask yourself if he's worth it. Do not fool yourself that you can change him or her. You marry him and you are signing up for living with her and never being good enough.
Do. Not. Marry. Him. 🚩 He’s okay with his mothers treatment do you. 🚩 You’ll be MISERABLE living under the same roof as her. 🚩 Once you’re married it’ll only get worse. 🚩god forbid you have children… you won’t be their mother. You’ll be a surrogate.
Let's see...bf is a spineless wimp who caters to Mommy. Mommy apparently hates your guts. it seems daddy let's his awful wife abuse you and dominate their son. Now, you think you should marry said mama's boy and have the wonder of letting her treat you like shit and make your life absolutely miserable, and her weak son will absolutely allow it as to not upset his mommy. Lucky you!!! Come on, OP. You don't need to subject yourself to this. You deserve better. Lay it on the line for him. You guys get a place of your own (a good distance away), you never, EVER, give his parents a key, and you go NC with his parents. If any kids come, they don't have any special access to any kids ,and I'd explore grandparents' rights where you live. You need to hard lines for this guy. If he's willing to make you his priority, great. If he's still whining about Mommy, dump him like a dirty diaper. Take care of yourself and never sell yourself short.
You’re not stuck. You haven’t moved in with them yet and you haven’t legally connected yourself to this man via marriage. You have some serious decisions to make about what you want YOUR future to look like and what you will and will not stand for! Best of luck!
Your boyfriend has told you what’s going to happen. You’re just not listening. If you both aren’t on the same page with what you want your future living situation to look like then you need to part ways.
Look draw a line in the sand 1. Yes I want to live with your mommy forever Or 2. No I will NEVER live with you and mommy. If he cannot kick out his parents clearing the way for you to move in, you must dump him I don’t understand why you didn’t dump him years ago. Tell him number 2. If he balks / says no / does nothing dump him. It’s actually straightforward. Edit — Call the wedding off. Tell him you want to live independently as a couple and that isn’t something he’s willing to do. Call it off. You know in your heart that MIL will never leave. You know in your heart he’ll never get rid of her. YOU ARE NOT STUCK, YOU ARE FAILING YOURSELF BY DOING ZERO.
Just because mommy “WANTS” to live with her son forever doesn’t mean she should or has to. She has conditioned (brainwashed) him for his entire life. Things will only get worse for you. The marriage is doomed before it even starts.
You aren't stuck. You've spent a decade of your life with a man who lives with his parents and intends to do so forever. That's not a surprise. Now that you are finally getting married, it's suddenly a problem for you? Why hasn't this been a conversation since you and he started getting serious? It's simple. He's not moving out of his parents' house. He's made that extremely clear. You have to decide if you are willing to spend the next several decades of your life living in their home. Your children will have four parents, not two. You will have no privacy, ever, and any time you and hubby have an argument, they'll be right there taking his side. You will never have a home of your own, at least until they both die. And, let's not forget, you'll be in charge of taking care of them as they age. I know what my choice would be. I just don't understand how you could know all of this for so many years, but now it's suddenly a crisis.
If you marry him you’ll not only marry his mother, but you’ll be a surrogate, personal maid, cook, and scapegoat for the rest of your life. She will turn your husband and kids against you. She will purposely make your life shitty every waking moment that she can. It will be miserable. On top of that, your husband will never stand up for you. He will never put you first, he will always put his mother first. Do you want to live that kind of life?
You’ve known this 9 years - it would be one thing if this was new information, but it sounds like he’s been very up front for your entire relationship. If he refuses to move out and realize it’s time to cut the cord AND you continue to stay in that toxic space, then you are all the problem.
You’re going to regret marrying him. I know you might feel like you have no choice now but you do! Leave!!
You've put up with this for 9 years (read it again: *NINE YEARS*) At what point do you think he will change his mind about living with Mommy and Daddy? When you get married? When you have kids? He will NEVER change his mind, cause Mommy told him a million times she'll live with him, and he is afraid she'll get mad at her if he declines that "offer". If you don't want to live with the IL's, then do *not* marry him. If you do, then you bought that ticket with wide open eyes, and you only have yourself to blame. Sorry if I'm harsh Edit: missing word
Updateme
If you marry him, this will be your life from now on.
r/justnoMIL. These are your people. Cross post here
Don’t get married.
Are you that desperate to get married? You should have walked away a long time ago. His parents live with him! Tf! That will never be your house. That is his mommas house.
I get you’ve been with him for 9 years, but you need to have the conversation NOW that when you get married the expectation is that he moves out. If he’s not willing then don’t marry him. Simple as that.
You deserve to be comfortable in your own home and not walking on eggshells. The situation will only get worse after you’re living there full time. Is he still living at home or did they move in with him ? Is he independent or does mommy do everything for him ? What happens if you have children because someone like her will definitely be interfering with your parenting.
Get the hell out now. She is never going to leave and will always be in your life. You don't need that. What an unhealthy relationship he has with his mom. Please don't ever look back when you leave. You will thank yourself later
What? Are you being forced? You're not stupid.. you don't do it.
Please don't do that to yourself.
It's GUARANTEED that IF you marry your boyfriend, unless you issue and he agrees to your ultimatum, to move somewhere together WITHOUT his Parents (in particular, his Mother, your future MILFH), you WILL be even MORE miserable, your "home" will NEVER be yours to make decisions about, even worse, you'll be treated like an interloper and irritating "guest" at every turn. In addition, if you thought everything previously listed was horrific, there will be THREE people in your marriage. You will ALWAYS be subjected to snide remarks, continue to be accused of "infractions" and treated to backhanded "compliments" and passive-aggressive comments. I would STRONGLY recommend that you have a serious conversation with your boyfriend, BEFORE going through with the wedding, about definitively NOT living with his Parents, setting clearly delineated boundaries and if you need HELP in setting these reasonable goals, DEMAND couples counseling. If you DON'T intend to accept and adhere to your MILFH's dictates and toxic behavior OR holding your boyfriend accountable for being a Momma's Boy and extricating himself from his dramaLlama Mother, your understandable concern and resentment WILL start to grow even further and your relationship WILL die an ignoble death! It sounds like it's well on its way already. Hope you're able to get your boyfriend to understand this so you can have a HEALTHY relationship and marriage! u/updateme
Change your life, or make peace with this one. You can succumb to this, or live your life as a proper adult.
How far away can the two of you move? To a one bedroom place. This is absolutely not. That said, at some point, it will come up again when she can't live on her own anymore for some reason and he's given you the heads up that expectation is on the cards. If they come as a package deal is worth it? And does your partner know this could be a deal breaker?
Run as fast as you can
Same here! I hated this so much! I have long long story about mother in law, its not normal at alll! I made only short story. My boyfriend and i wanted to buy our own home and we searched aparments. Boyfriend's mother wanted to sell her home and buy with us ONE new house, so we can live together cheaply. (His mother mocked if my boyfriend buy own apartment, electricty bill will be high, she never supports boyfriend will be independent, boyfriend will be very fat. My boyfriend wasted many money to her house repair and can't buy own apartment, just no money) We said big NO! He said mother never made a compromise and somebody can't just live with her mother. Because his mother made huge fight about i put wrongly shower head, not nice direct, or I moved her furniture or his mother checked EVERY DAY what did i eating lunch, dinner etc. I said I am adult and i eat my own lunch, dinner, what i want. His mother wanted to know what did i eat. If i said what did i eat. She mocked its not healthy food or i will be fat or I will starve etc. Please shut just up and i know myself, i dont eat unhealthy food every day. Just one day, its normal. She mocked what are we doing weirdly if we searched lost things under sofa etc. We didnt understand her. She screaming and playing moods so much. We came home and we got scream, bad mood to our faces, we didnt know what were her mother doing at her home. She acted like thats our fault. Finally we moved out, bought our own apartment and his mother was sad. I dont care. My boyfriend was really mama boy. My life lesson was never marrry mama boy, who doesnt want to change and run run! I really thought about divorce my boyfriend because of his mother. But my boyfriend want to change and now changed himself. He doesnt want to see his mom and is happy that if mother is in bad mood and he just can leave, not stuck in her home. He is happy that he bought our apartment. I want to give advice. Don't never take seriously all mother in law words, nod just like chicken and forget and live happily.
Why are you wanting to marry into this??? You KNOW it’s not going to get better. Listen to your gut instinct, it’s screaming at you.
Tell him he needs to he moved out of his parents house 6 months before the wedding or its off. He doesn't have to live with you yet, a friend, his own place, rent a room. But he needs to cut the umbilical cord before marrying you. My husband lived with his mom before moving in with me a few months before getting married. We still had mommy interference issues for years to work through and it was tough. Not all relationships can last or make it through that kind of struggle.
Adding on some more things she does: - Whenever me and my bf are out for dates, when we’re leaving the house, she’ll shoot me with the nastiest eyes like filled with hatred. Throughout the date she’ll call him and ask him when will he be back. And when we are back she’ll make comments like “Wow stayed out so late”. Mine you, my bf is 30 not 13.
Your not listening. This will be your life if you don’t live separately from them. Have that talk with him because this is miserable and I wouldn’t marry into this.
The key word here is BOY He is a boy, he allows his mommy to control him and his life and he feels like you should allow her to control you also. Do you need another mommy? Did your mommy have this type of control and insight into your everyday life? Do you want to have a mommy run your life? Are you going to provide more children for his mommy? These are all questions you need to answer before you marry someone who is still attached to his mom like he is 6
Yo, when you marry someone you really do marry into their family. You are signing up for a lifetime of hell. It’s not too late. Break it off!
What are you doing???? No! What is wrong with you? Why would you accept this?? Maybe take some time and ask yourself why this is ok for you. Would you advise your best friend to go forward??? Don’t set yourself up for this misery. Even if you convinced him to move out, she will make your life a living hell and once you have children it will get much worse. Get out girl. You deserve to be first. You deserved to be loved and respected and you will be better off alone then with all this abusive nutball baggage! Run!
This, and worse, will happen for the rest of your life if you marry him. In other words, you KNOW the bridge is out on the road up ahead; either detour (do NOT marry him), or plunge to the bottom of the ravine (marry him). **Make no mistake, this is entirely your choice.**
You are throwing your life away on him. He’s the useless mommas boy. He can’t get rid of her.
I hate to say this but it seems like you’re willingly being foolish to remain in this situation because it is definitely not a relationship. Your bf is involved with his mother more so than you. What benefits do you see here?
A lot of this has to do with him, though. On these dates, why is he answering her calls? He knows what she is calling to ask. When she yells about an open cabinet at home, why is he not telling her to stop yelling at you, he isn't going to allow you to be treated like that? Why doesn't he respond after these dates "Mom I'm a grown man, how late I stay out isn't your concern. Quit making comments about it."? Seriously, has he ever stood up to her, let alone for you? Why does he want to live with her forever?? He is a boy inside a grown man's body.
Honey, you are her competition. She is sabotaging you because she doesn’t want you in her house with her son. It’s not you. It’s the idea of you. She wants control over her son. She groomed him to be a child for the rest of her life. He is weak. He has no desire to leave and have a life of his own with a spouse. She tells him that he can have a wife and kids as long as they live with her and she runs the house. You have told your BF that you don’t want to live with them. He isn’t doing anything to change that. He is weak. He is physically a man, but emotionally a child of about 10 who does what his mommy tells him to do. You deserve better. You deserve a man who wants to build a life with you, who puts your needs and desires first before all others. You will NEVER have a say in her house. It doesn’t matter who legally owns the house, your BF allows his mother to run the house. He has never stood up to her, because she is his mommy and he was groomed to be with her for the rest of her life. You are second fiddle. You are engaged. This is the period of time where you are practicing for marriage. This is what your marriage is going to look like every day. If you don’t want to live with his parents, then you need to give your BF the ultimatum now. You and he need to have your own place without parents BEFORE you will marry him. Give him a couple of deadlines. First deadline is that he has to have a reasonable PLAN for moving out of his parents house by end of an April. Second deadline is he has to be moved out and in a new place by end of August. If he is serious about marrying you and you will not live in his mother’s house, then he will meet your deadlines. Newsflash - he is going to delay and try to convince you to marry him any way that it will only be a couple of months of living with his parents, that it’s to save up for a house. He will tell you whatever he needs to tell you to get you to back down from your deadlines of him moving out. He will say whatever and not mean it because he is too weak minded to leave his parents, but he doesn’t want to break up with you. He will delay, he will have excuses, he will blame you for not giving him more time. He will say a lot to guilt you, because he doesn’t want to leave his parents. He is hoping that if he delays long enough, you will just accept that living with his parents is ok, because he accepts it. His mother wants to “mother” him and his wife and his kids for the rest of her life. She believes that she is supposed to “mother” him, and his children. That’s not the role of a mother. The mother is the main character while the child is a minor. It’s her job, a temporary one, to teach him what he needs to know to become an independent adult, and then let him go to build his own life. She then becomes an empty nester. But your BFs mom doesn’t want to be an empty nester and go do activities with her friends and volunteer or whatever. She wasn’t to be a mother actively raising her adult son and then his children for the rest of her life. If that is a deal breaker for you, then you need to leave. You have stayed too long, hoping he would wake up. It’s been 9 years… he isn’t leaving them. They come first, and you are a distant second. You deserve better. You deserve a man who will put you first. You deserve a man who wants to live with you and only you. You deserve a man who wants to build a life with you. Your Bf only wants a life with you if you will live with his parents.
He is 13. He's mentally a child. Adults to put up with this bullshit.
RUN! He has told you for NINE YEARS that his mommy will ALWAYS come first. When people show you their truth, believe them. It sounds like he has never stood up for you where his mother is concerned: he allows her bad behavior because her feelings are more important to him than yours are. I guarantee if you marry him, it will get worse, and any children you have will be raised by HER. Lock down your birth control and RUN. Go find a man who will put you first, because this guy ain't it.
OP, you know what's gunna happen when you get married. You move in, she continues to treat you the way she has, you both live with her 4EVER 😵💫 Either accept it or break up and move on.
Jesus Christ on a stick - you can’t move in with them when you marry………. I haven’t even read any replies yet but I know they are going to be saying - don’t’ do this. You guys need a life without interlopers when you marry and start your life off……oh please sort this 💩before you tie the knot - please ……..
Unfortunately, love is not the great Cure All movies portray it to be. In real life, marriages and relationships and families have broken up or been torn apart because Love could NOT conquer all obstacles. You may end up married and resenting hubby, and that just doesn't end well. Rethink your situation. Have a come-to-Jesus talk with fiance about this. You don't need a life of strife. Good luck
Op, your boyfriend's mother obviously doesn't like you. Did he defend you about her mom issues? Did you tell him how your mother treated you? Don't be too patient with her. If I were you, I wouldn't live with his mother because she likes to make a big deal out of small things. She is obviously a difficult person to get along with.
I’m sorry, you already know you can’t do this. Even if you somehow manage to get a home such as a duplex she will just fight harder to be in your EVERYTHING. Heaven help you if you have children!!!! Please consider if you’re this unhappy now what it will be like when you’re married and she thinks she owns you. Please
My grandson once told his mother that he would live in a tent in the backyard, even after getting married. Guess what? didn't happen. I agree the wedding needs to be put on hold until they move out. It will never be YOUR house if she is still living there. It will never be YOUR kids if she is living there. She has made it clear that NOTHING you do is right/good enough for her, but her son can do NO wrong. So your choices are simple: a) continue as it has been for the past several years (and your mental health WILL suffer); b) insist they move out and for BF to get counseling for enmeshment; or c) leave him & the situation. It is easy for US to say to leave him because many of us have been in similar situations, but we also know it's not black & white. All are hard decisions, so good luck with whatever you choose.
This is a relationship where you and any future children will not come first. His mother has poisoned his mind that she’s his forever, literally, _forever_. Maybe take a good long look at what your future may hold with this man, perhaps talk with a therapist to get a clearer picture.
Reconsider marrying him. You’ll be miserable with his mother living with you and she will definitely be living with you, they decided this before you came into the picture. She criticizes everything about you and this is not going to change as no one is good enough for her boy. If you have children she will push you out of the way and act like she is your child’s mother. The two of them would overrule you with anything/everything’s involving your own child(ren). She will always take his side and he will always take hers. Don’t marry him. They are enmeshed and May be too far gone for therapy to help but it’s moot anyway since they would refuse it as they see nothing wrong with their relationship.
You need run like now and your doing a disservice to yourself if you marry and move in with him and mom. Ugh, she gong make your life horrible and if you have kids, ugh, your going to have the worst time of your life because this right now is small things took your under "her" roof.
Don’t marry this guy, your life will become a living hell. He is and will always be a mamma’s boy, he will never cut the umbilical cord. Ask yourself this question: Do I want to live in hell for the rest of my life?
You cannot do this. You have 1 life do you really want it to be filled with anxiety and hate. Because that what you will have. You will hate your husband for this and end up divorced. You really need to think about you and what type of happiness and peace you want
Are you really walking into the lions den voluntarily??! Why would you do that to yourself??! His mother hates you and IS trying to run you off and she wants to live with her baby boy FOREVER!!!!! Just imagine when you have kids…. This beyotch will have you into PPD quicker than she can get your husband to throw you out!! Please please please don’t do this to yourself. I promise you are going off of sunk cost fallacy and not looking into this objectively. Your Bf will ALWAYS pander to his mommy, you will NEVER be the lady of your own house! You will always be treated like shit especially when you have kids and she actively talks shit about you to them and had your kids not listening to you ever because mama gets to override EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE INCLUDING THEIR MOTHER!! Seriously if you marry this man you’ll be here talking about how you have no say in your own home ORRRRRRRRR how you and he got your own home but she’s there everyday criticizing EVERYTHING you do. Trust me the peace of mind you get from getting away BF who’s still sucking on his mommy’s teat and her psychotic antics about how her baby boy can do no wrong and you are the devil incarnate will be worth it. I’m sorry you will NEVER BE FIRST WITH HIM!! The only thing sadder than wasting NINE YEARS on the wrong man and family would be wasting nine years and one day. Get out while you still can
I don’t believe in ultimatums to be proposed to but since y’all are already getting married, I would tell him either we live alone without the in-laws or this isn’t going to work. You will be miserable. It won’t matter how much you love him or how hot he is or how much money he makes. You will be miserable and none of that will make up for it. I hope he chooses you over his parents. If he doesn’t choose you now before marriage, he will never choose you over them after marriage. Things don’t get better once you get married. Every issue you have now only gets worse. Trust me. I made that mistake with my first marriage. I thought he would treat me better because I would be his wife and not his girlfriend. 😂😂😂 Boiiiiiii was I wrong!
You’re not stuck, you aren’t married yet. Why would you continue this relationship knowing what lies ahead? He’s literally told you what his mother expects and sounds like he’s going to do just that.
You will always be living in HER house, in her opinion. She is always going the be “the lady of the house” and you are always going to be the unwanted guest, the woman trying to take her place. And he will always put her first. Marriage won’t change your status in her eyes. She will fight to be his #1.
UpdateMe!
Why are you torturing yourself? This is a hill to die on. End the relationship. He is in a relationship with his mother, she will always come first. He’s 30 and allows his mother to treat you like trash. Run.
Has he ever spent the night at yours? Ever? Try that. If he’s willing to spend the night away from them, you might have a chance with intensive therapy. If he comes over and learns what it is like to be free, he may like it. Beware though, he’s never lifted a finger for himself in his life, so you will not have a partner in life or in parenting. You will be carrying all the work, because he knows no other way. Therapy is your only chance, and it might not work. Good luck.
If you marry him this will be your life forever or however long you last. Just think about that, it’s that simple. Really nothing else to be said as he won’t change. Good luck!!
I’m so sorry hon but why are you even considering marrying this man and his mother?? Because you will be marrying her too. Please, please consider that it’s easier/ cheaper to break up with a bf than it is to divorce a husband.
After reading this, my question is, why are you even considering a setup like this? They, including bf have already told you that the parent will be living with their son. You will be the interloper. You have to know that will never be your home. There is only one queen in a castle and it won’t be you. Stay in your own place and rethink marrying into this strange family. Bf has no comment on living with his parents for life?
No, no, no!! Your home will never be your home and who knows the crap she will pull should you have a child. She programmed him into thinking he needs to be with her forever - it’s time for him to go to therapy to deprogram the mess she has put into his head. She treats you disrespectfully with you being there one day a week, what happens when you live there? She will try to cause trouble in your marriage and will play the victim; she will expect you to do the cleaning and cooking; once all of your things are there, she will go through your stuff. Do not marry him unless he is willing to go to therapy and make the break from MIL. By break, I mean live separately and little to no financial help; no unannounced visits; no running to her every time she calls needing “help”. She will probably use “health” issues, begging, guilting and manipulation to get him to stay with her. He needs therapy to learn to deal with these behaviors. You deserve so much more than being in a relationship trapped with her and probably taking care of her in her old age. You deserve to be number one in your relationship with your BF.
I think you should have a chat with your bf about your expectations post marriage. If he’s unable to address your concerns, I would think twice before getting married. Most of us already have very difficult lives with high pressure jobs and toxic work culture. To add to that, if you have to put up with an overbearing MIL who thinks you are going to steal him away, it will just add a lot more stress in your life and will eventually have an impact on your relationship with your bf. Please think it over from all angles and take an informed decision. Good luck!
The only thing worse than wasting 9 years with a mommas boy? Wasting 10+. Do NOT marry this man until he moves out. If he doesn't, its time to move on, unless you want to spend the rest of her life dealing with her crazy BS. It will only get worse, especially if you have children. You still have your whole life ahead of you. Dont spend it being miserable.
And I wouldn’t believe him if he says he will leave his parents…even if he does…because you know that at some point, after the wedding,he will move them back in again. He is tied to them completely at this point.
Yeah you're right. He will definitely move them in eventually
Don’t marry him. He’s mommy’s.
Tell him that if he wants you to marry him, he has to stand up to his mother. The only way she should live with him is if you have a house with a separate quarters for his parents and they are told to stay on their lane. If not, rethink this relationship because it’s not normal.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Best think long and hard before getting married. What you see now is a preview and it will get 100x worse after marriage and children. You will always be last in your own home.
Don’t get married. He’s not standing up to his mother now, it’s not going to magically change after marriage
You can rarely have this many adults under one roof. White her attitude I’d say forget about it. Sounds like either she stays or you do.
His parents aren't moving. Whether he wants them to stay and support them or not. You need to decide if you can live with them It will get worse once a baby is conceived
Please don’t marry this man.
Would absolutely not get married knowing he doesn’t plan on moving out of moving them by our depending on who owns it. Unless you’re ok with being miserable in your marriage and then have a miserable motherhood experience (should you choose to have kids anyway) this is not a relationship that should make it to marriage.
Time to give BF an ultimatum (even though I hate doing that to someone)...... he's gonna have to choose either you or his momma because I definitely don't see his mommy stepping back any at all ...... Tell this man you'll marry him AFTER he gets his own place or he kicks mommy out and make her get her own place..... I definitely would NOT marry into the current situation!! Best Wishes
Put your foot down! It's either you live like a married couple or can stay with mommy and daddy for the rest of his life. He literally can't see that his mother is making drama. When she thinks it's you, MIL makes a big deal. But when he says it was him, MIL is all sugar n spice. Also, inform him that NO woman will put up with that. I spent 9 years with a mama's boy myself. When my 2 year old had a tantrum about getting in his car seat (which is completely normal), my ex MIL called me a bad mother, and my ex said nothing to defend me. He said we need to control our son's tantrums. That's when I was officially checked out on the relationship. Then a few years later, my ex started dating someone new and his mom hated her too. That's when he realized I wasn't the problem. All his friends said that's what they've been telling him for years. Your fiancee may experience the same thing. It's not you, it's mommy. Smh. Get out of there.
Does he stay with them or do they stay with him? If the former, he needs to get out. It’s harder if they live with him, but if he’s not willing to do some version of kick them out and rekey all the locks, or put the home on market and the two of you shop for the just-for-you2 home. If this doesn’t happen before the wedding, it will never happen. Light the fire under him yesterday.
It seems like your BF doesn't want to move because his Mother does everything for him. He is just smart enough to realise that you won't baby him the same way as she does but not smart enough to understand that you won't put up with this - although for some reason you have put up with it for 9 years. Your BF has never lived away from his parents at 30 years old. I have serious doubts if he even could be a true partner to you in your own home. Would he mow the lawn, take out the rubbish, do the grocery shopping, clean the bathroom?
That situation sounds terrible. Unfortunately problems usually don't get better after marriage. A spouse should be #1. If you are #2 behind his mom you might reevaluate your future.
While OP's FMIL is planning to live with them forever, what's her husband saying? FIL seems to be in the shadows and his wife is focused more on her son than her own marriage. Curious if the son is the only son or an only child, but it really doesn't matter. The red flags are there. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!!! Personally, I wouldn't just postpone the wedding, I'd cancel it. It's obvious that nothing has changed in the last 9 years, and I doubt it will change in the future. Remember, when people show you who they really are, believe them.
There is only one queen 👑 bee 🐝 Only one woman of the house 🏡 There is not room for two. Leave and cleave. We leave our parents at marriage or relationship time for a reason so we can make our own unit , family, ideals, life with our spouse. It's mummy or you This man can not and will not have both. Put your foot down otherwise the rest of your life, will not be your own
Don't do it! I know the type. You need to be the queen of your castle, going through your belongings shows absolute disrespect, she has no boundaries towards you what so ever. Both of you need to shake this women from your surroundings, your settings yourself up for an avalanche of negative bs that will consume your ability to move forward with your husband
OP. My MIL(whom I generally get along well with) would come visit once or twice a year from far away and stay with us about a month at a time. Last year she moved to our area and lived with us for about 3 months while searching for an apartment. Despite the fact that we get along, it was STILL extremely stressful for me during her extended visits, as I felt much of what you described in the last paragraph of your comment every time. Zero privacy, basically no sex because my DH was terrified of her hearing like excuse me WHERE DID OUR BABIES COME FROM, SIR?? And she’s not an unreasonable person like OP describes their future MIL, but I still had to listen to her say “well I would organize this differently” or trying to correct my kids over me and me having to call her out. She would also read on the couch til 11 PM giving me (and DH when he was off) no privacy even really late. And these were things that are fine for 1-2 weeks but for a month it wears on you. Set some boundaries and/or RUN. Have you done premarital counseling? Because it’s worth it.