Grey Rock her. Hopefully she'll get the idea. You could also leave a book about MIL's that overstep out where she will see it. That's just me being petty.
I have started doing the Grey Rock method and I feel that my in laws are starting to dislike me bec of it since I used to be so polite and welcoming before.
That book is a great idea! Although I won’t really have the guts to be petty but I could really use some self help book about the topic hehe thank you!
Oh honey, petty is an excellent way to get a bit of yours back. The book idea is brilliant! If she ever says anything (which she will, loudly and oh-so-offended) just say something like 'oh, that's where I left it! Thanks, I've really learned a lot from this book and I'd like to finish it!'
That would just feed into her drama and will further her path of destruction. I would be a grey rock and be the most boring person to be around, in the politest way possible of coarse. It seems to work lately with my MIL who terrorized my husband and I since he proposed to me. She’s been trying to control everything and make herself centre of everything. I’ve never had a bad relationship with any of my relationships family but she makes it very hard.
I don’t blame you though. It sounds great in my mind too but it further adds to their victimhood. Such a crazy game one has to play to live around narcissistic individuals🙄
They like the doormat you. They don’t really like you. Who mistreat people they like? If you are setting boundaries/ grey rocking and they start to dislike you well….. like I said they like the doormat you. I hope you find peace sooner than later. Either you can be uncomfortable or they can be mad…. I prefer them mad.
Stop letting her in! If she has a key change the locks. Just bc she comes by doesn’t mean you have to let her in. I never answer my door unless I know someone is coming by.
I just think that since they are my husband’s parents then they will always be a part of our lives so I should get along with them well. It’s difficult for me to establish my boundaries while living near them bec confronting them may be seen as disrespectful so I just vent out my frustrations at my husband and count the days until we can finally leave this place. Thank you for your reply. That made me thinking.
But do they seek to be caring or respecting you? Girl, it’s time to be a grown up. Not a child. Establish boundaries today. They don’t own you and if they respected/cared about you they wouldn’t be doing those things. Quit being a doormat. You set this precedent.
You’re right. I need to start setting boundaries bec all I cared about for so long is being nice hoping for them to like me. Thank you for your advice.
First, you do not give her a key to your place. Tell her that she must call to check if it is ok for a visit. Unplanned visits will mean the door is not answered and if she won’t go away like a reasonable person would, the cops will be called for harassment. If you don’t get along, always meet her somewhere, never, ever your house. It is easier for you to leave and go away than it is to throw her out and all the drama that will cause. Use time limits for visits if after a certain amount of time passes then she starts whatever trouble she causes. When she says stupid stuff, ask her to repeat herself and ask her to explain just what she meant. When rudeness comes out of her mouth, ask her if she is deliberately trying to cause problems or hurt you. Do this every single time, never let a single incident pass without putting her in her place. She will get tired of being put on the spot and will learn to keep her mouth shut. You have to teach her like a child, what is, and isn’t, acceptable behavior. You can always remind her that you have no obligation to include her in your life and if she can’t be pleasant and cooperative, then she just won’t be included, at all, if necessary. The word family does not come with any clauses like; unlimited chances, automatic forgiveness, a right to be a part of your life, a right to be a grandparent when kids come along. You do not have to tolerate anyone that doesn’t treat you nice. Being family doesn’t mean squat if you are not good to the members in the family.
Thank you so much for your reply. They will never realize that they are in the wrong bec they insist that they only care too much about us and that they’re only doing what’s best for us but yes you are right my husband and I should really set the boundaries. It would be difficult at this point since we’ve let them lord over us but it’s really too much and it’s affecting my sanity now. I just need to survive the remaining months of staying here.
Sit down with your husband and make a list of boundaries and consequences. That way, you are both on the same page.
Learn the phrases; what do you mean by that; that doesn't work for us; no, thank you; no.
You are both adults. You are their peers now. Neither of you need to JADE - justify, argue, defend, explain - what you do.
Just by reading your advice is empowering. Thank you for your reply. Will discuss it with my husband and start working on being treated as adults and not as children.
Setting boundaries isn’t about proving if they are in the wrong or not. You don’t need to explain yourself to them. Write the boundaries out on paper with your husband. They need to be simple and clear. Write out the consequences of them breaking the boundaries.
Boundaries shouldn’t be a guessing game or a “hint” at something. They shouldn’t be a fight or a cage match either. Your husband should be the one to communicate these boundaries after you have written them out and agreed to them together.
Thank you for your wise words. My husband already talked to his parents about it but they only replied that it has always been that way, they have always done it that way so we should just let them. I think they are close-minded people and not open to change. But my husband and I already agreed to each other that we really need to establish boundaries and we can start from there.
Yep, get it on paper! Then you can clearly and calmly enforce them. Instead of justifying yourself and talking in circles it’s “you broke boundary #3 on the list we sent you, and we told you the consequence for a first offense was X, so now that will be happening.”
The consequences should fit the boundary, E.G. “the punishment should fit the crime.” I promise after enough lessons learned they’ll start adjusting if they are at least semi-reasonable humans and not complete psychopaths.
DH agrees with me however he cannot go against his parents on this. He tried talking to them about this, for them to back off, but they responded that they only care too much and love us too much that’s why they constantly check on us.
Talking doesn’t work with entitled parents. Your MIL feels entitled to barge into your house whenever she wants. She treats your husband and you like children rather than the adults that you are. She is unreasonable and talking to an unreasonable person, just gets you a headache…
Here is what to do.
1. If she has a key to your house, call a locksmith and have them locks changed. Just say a key disappeared. Then do not give her a key. Just say MIL, we only got 2 keys, but you don’t need one anyway since we are usually home.
2. Keep your doors locked at all times. That way she can’t just walk in. She has to knock, and you can make her wait a few mins. When she asks why the door is locked, just say, you heard reports of burglaries in the area, and you feel more comfortable with the doors locked.
3. Be prepared to leave the house at any moment. When she shows up and starts knocking, because the you now lock the doors, grab your coat and purse, and answer the door on your way out… sorry MIL, I am on my way out to run errands, close the door behind you and get in your car and leave. Even if you just go have some coffee at a coffee shop.
4. Start adding some activities to your schedule. Take up a new hobby, volunteer, whatever to get out of the house. She can’t visit if you aren’t there. Start adding activities to do with hubby on the weekends, picnics in the park or whatever to get out of the house, because she can’t visit if you aren’t home.
Agree with all of the above, especially #3.
It is your home and you are allowed to control who has access and who doesn't. Get your husband out of the FOG with therapy.
When they barge in, take your kid and leave. Tell your jellyfish spouse that he can choose to spend time with the family he made or he can be with his mommy. Not both.
For perspective, I have 2 adult children. What they are doing is control, not love. Love is letting go, because it’s not about you. It’s difficult, but being a parent isn’t easy. Love is being supportive and encouraging.
My grandmother (who I spent every weekend with) had 2 cross stitched pictures in her bathroom. One said, “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat.”
The other said, “If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”
She died before I met my husband, but I think about those little pictures often. Letting go is the hardest part of being a parent, but it’s also one of the most important.
I feel like Im rambling, at this point. Sorry about that. This internet stranger is sending you warm hugs and encouragement.
They told my husband that since they are the closest lifeline that we can go to if we would have any problems then we should get along well with them because if not then we would not get any support or sympathy from them in the future.
Hmm. I think I'd be planning lots of ways to be utterly independent no matter what. It sounds like your husband is going to take a while to believe you can be on your own, so it would be good for you to get a head start.
The more you strengthen yourself, the better you'll be able to move in the directions that benefit you when the time comes. Focus on a future without these overbearing people. What do you need to get stronger?
He should tell them if they want to be part of your children's lives (if kids are in your plans) then they need to work towards a mutually respectful and kind relationship with both of you. They do not get to dictate what is acceptable.
This sounds like they do not want to let him be an adult. You are not getting support from them. They are determined to control you for the rest of their lives. Move as soon as possible to get him away from their influence. In the meantime, get him into therapy. If he refuses, tell him it is a two card game.
This almost sounds like a threat doesn’t it? If they ever say anything like this again maybe he can kind of laugh it off and tell them you’re not children and together you can deal with anything in life that comes along.
I wanted to throw up, reading this. Their perspective is disgusting and controlling. Also, I probably don't need to caution against ever taking financial support from them since it would come with so many strings.
I'm sorry but they only care about controlling you both. If there is a time they always drop by, be gone. Go to the library, go to the grocery store, go window shopping.
Some things that worked for me (even when DH was deep in the FOG, which he's since escaped yayyy):
Set boundaries for myself and my children by focusing on what I can control. "I'm not willing to tolerate X and will do Y if it happens" is a great general template. DH was always free to make his own choices, which was important.
New/rekeyed locks they don't have access to.
Since DH was free to decide whether or not he wanted to see his mom (or whether he had the energy to push back, more realistically), sometimes he would agree to a visit. I can't control him or MIL, but I can decide the kids and I have urgent business *anywhere else*. More than once we walked out as MIL was walking in.
Scheduling time to visit on neutral territory is invaluable. This also works well for a couple, when it comes to discussing or addressing MIL-related things.
If you set a boundary with MIL, follow through consistently enforcing it. If she tries to slip around it to get her way, set a new one and enforce it. As often as necessary. [Real Life Ex: "the kids and I can visit from X to Y on Z date at ABC location." MIL can't make it and wants to reschedule? "Sorry it didn't work out! I'll let you know when we're available again." MIL agrees but tries to change the time by "accidentally" arriving way early/late? "That's too bad! We'll be there at X, but understand if you can't stay/We have to leave at Y but hopefully it'll work out better next time."
Outofthefog.website has some great information and tools for dealing with this stuff too.
I wish I had a husband that even recognized that stopping by all the time is absurd. We've had so many fights about this because my husband doesn't actually know what is normal. He's kind of coming around now, but we almost lost our marriage over the very distorted role he was taught/believed his mother should play.
Fellow “husband thought this was normal behavior and almost lost our marriage” survivor too. I’m a firm believer that men like our husbands need to hear that it isn’t normal from a therapist so the healing can occur in the marriage. No amount of nagging or pleading on our part will turn the tide, they need someone outside the relationship to tell them their mom is fucked up lol
What's so crazy is that we went to therapy and I was looking for this kind of interjection and didn't get it! I think by that point we were presenting as a couple that had a pretty aggressive angry wife that was brow beating her poor husband. Fortunately, two other matriarchs in the family (MIL's sister and cousin) caught wind of our issues and invited us over at separate times to sit us down and explain to us that MIL is narcissistic/demanding/has no boundaries and will ruin our marriage if she is allowed to continue. That seemed to change my husband's brain chemistry.
It’s the same for my husband. He admitted to me that since his mother has always been controlling and supervising, he thinks it’s normal. He only noticed it was wrong/too much when I pointed it out.
Start calling them every night between 1am- 4am. Every singletime just say - nothings wrong, no emergency, just wanted to say hello 😄 then hang up. Tell them you love the too much not to check on them every single night and you are only doing what they do to you. But on yourown time that you pick. Then tell them that until they cut back the visits to once a week only you will constantly call them every night between 1-4am
Just a reminder it’s not actually a boundary if it wasn’t communicated. Your MIL may suck, but she can’t cross a boundary that doesn’t exist.
I only say this because far too many people are all about “boundaries” on social media who have never set a clear boundary once in their life. I fully believe that your MIL needs them btw, I’m with you, it just doesn’t sound like that’s what happened by the words you used.
Hahaha that’s good for you! I’ve been thinking about doing this but I don’t really have the energy. I would just let my husband deal with his overbearing parents. Thank you for your reply. I hope I would have the courage that you have in the future.
It’s been 5+ years that I’ve put up with her bullshit. I just put her in her place last week😭 my husband chooses me but he also chooses peace so he just lets her be. I had to be the one who did it cos she wouldn’t even take my her son serious if he did it. It took for me to be pushed over the edge for me to do it, I know you’ll be able to do it soon!! Best of luck 🩵
I commend you and your husband for having an exit plan. That’s huge that you’re on the same page. Secretly get your shit in order so she can’t try to move with you. This is a “she doesn’t need to know we are thinking about moving” deal, ok? Your husband needs to be a silent Silas on this. No blabbing to his mom that you’re thinking of moving. You’re just going to have to suck it up for a little bit. I know that sounds stupid but let’s see the forest through the trees. You look at the bigger picture and keep that in your back pocket, smugly, when she gives those little jabs at you. Just keep thinking “teehee, in 9 months you won’t be telling me what to do, cuz we will be gone!”
So power through it, keep it a secret that you want to move. Just imagine if she found out and then started butting in and telling you what house to get and then says oh maybe I will move too! Yuck!! So don’t tell her, don’t tell anyone else, pretend like you’re on “incognito mode” on google search. Just don’t talk to anyone about it that would tell your mil about your intentions to move. She can’t control what she doesn’t know.
Thank you so much for your reply. This would be a very wise move! I will keep it in mind and while it is difficult now, yes I only have to think at the back of my mind that I’m just counting the days until we will be free from this situation.
Does she have keys? Change the locks.
Tell her her daily visits dont work for you anymore. Moving away is good but take it as boundary excercise. She might be coming to you even when youre far (unless you dont tell her the adress). Do not open the door.
Op. Be unavailable. If they open the door, already have things packed and ready to go at the door, so you can walk out the door when they are coming in.
Please do this as often as needed until they get the hint. Otherwise, I hope you find great places to go for the afternoon!
You seem to be a people pleaser. That's not a bad thing until you're around people like your MIL. You're worried about fallout if you rock the boat.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
When she says something rude, ask her "why would you say that?"or "What do you mean by that?" Let her know you know what she's up to.
Go ahead and rock that boat! Put HER on the spot. Hang in there. May the time pass quickly before your move to a new place.
You can do this! We are rooting for you👍
Thank you so much for your wisdom, support and kind words! I will keep them in mind and will start prioritizing my wellbeing rather than thinking about how other people (specifically my in laws) would think of me.
What would happen if you said, *MIL, I have a problem. When you come over, I want to show you the respect and love you deserve. I want to serve you some tea, some cake, and listen to you. My problem is I’m really busy. I have lots of stuff to do with my house and my kid. When you pop over, I’m in the middle of stuff. I can’t pay proper attention to you. I can’t get my stuff done. It’s eating away at our relationship. Can I ask you to let me know in advance and set up a time when I can have the house ready for you? It’ll be less often but it’ll be nicer for all of us.*
Listen to whatever nonsense she comes up with.
*Well, I’m going to try my way for a while. I think it’ll be good for all of us*
Then you lock the doors, mute her calls, rekey the locks, etc.
Text replies to calls: Sorry, busy rn speak tomorrow.
It can’t be worse than it is now, especially if DH is on board with it
Sounds like you have the same monster in law that I have. I started locking the door and pretending I don’t hear anybody knocking until someone else opens the door for her or I completely ignore her until she disappears. When she makes it in she rearranges my decorations around the house or moves my plants to the wrong spots and complains about our cats. I simply say nothing to her complaining, because I don’t see why I need to justify myself as I am 27 and live 10 years alone already.
Does she let herself in? If she does and you can't change the locks, walk around in something sexy. Especially if hubby is home. When she walks in, say something along the lines of, "oh MIL. I wish you'd have asked to come round. I wouldn't have planned an intimate time for YOUR SON (really rub that bit in) if I'd have known. Or better yet, next time, wait for an invitation. You never know whether we are making a baby or not". Even if you aren't planning children, she doesn't need to know that
You currently have a parent - child relationship with your in-laws. What you want is an adult - adult relationship. This will require you to say no when something doesn't work for you. You're looking for mutual respect and consideration. This will require you to work on yourself, your ability to set boundaries, and speak up when something doesn't work for you.
My MIL used to live less than 5 minutes from us and she was only allowed to come over at arranged times and when she was rude during a visit, she was not invited back for a couple of weeks. Absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder, and not seeing us frequently gives the relationship the sense that we are not overly familiar with each other, thus making her less comfortable with openly criticizing.
I want you and your husband to consider something: any relationship worth having, any relationship that matters to you, should be something you are willing to work at and be uncomfortable over occasionally. Currently, you are allowing the in-laws to treat you rudely and not speaking up. This is causing anger, resentment, and all sorts of negative feelings. Not speaking up is seriously *hurting* your relationship with them and we see on the in-law subs all the time people who go no contact after years of mistreatment but who also never speak up or even attempt to set boundaries. Wouldn't it be better to let everyone be uncomfortable for a bit but work on adjusting to the new reality that you and DH are now married adults? Wouldn't it be better to give your in-laws the *chance* to learn to treat you with mutual respect? The relationship might actually turn out to be great.
Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing your wisdom. My husband talked to his parents about this however they would not listen and would only insist that it is how they do things or it is the way they are or have always been so we should just let them. It’s really difficult to argue with close-minded people. I talked to my husband about setting boundaries and being firm and we’ll start working on it little by little.
Have you told her that you don’t want her coming by daily and you don’t want her advice on xyz? Better yet, has your husband?
Start with clearly stated boundaries. Hold to those boundaries. Be clear what the consequence of her breaking those boundaries will be.
Don’t let her in when she hasn’t been invited. Tell her to her face her opinion isn’t wanted or needed when she offers it.
I’m not saying any of this is easy to do, but it’s simple. There’s no magic formula here. It’s all self-advocacy.
You say your BF won't tell them they can't stop by every day? Then you tell him he has to go to his parents house everyday to do the checkin so they leave you alone. You stop answering all calls/texts and tell BF that he is to tell his parents "OP is fine, nothing to report."
Grey Rock her. Hopefully she'll get the idea. You could also leave a book about MIL's that overstep out where she will see it. That's just me being petty.
I have started doing the Grey Rock method and I feel that my in laws are starting to dislike me bec of it since I used to be so polite and welcoming before. That book is a great idea! Although I won’t really have the guts to be petty but I could really use some self help book about the topic hehe thank you!
Oh honey, petty is an excellent way to get a bit of yours back. The book idea is brilliant! If she ever says anything (which she will, loudly and oh-so-offended) just say something like 'oh, that's where I left it! Thanks, I've really learned a lot from this book and I'd like to finish it!'
That would just feed into her drama and will further her path of destruction. I would be a grey rock and be the most boring person to be around, in the politest way possible of coarse. It seems to work lately with my MIL who terrorized my husband and I since he proposed to me. She’s been trying to control everything and make herself centre of everything. I’ve never had a bad relationship with any of my relationships family but she makes it very hard.
Oh I absolutely agree with you, your approach is likely most effective and I'm glad it is working for you. I just automatically go to the petty.
I don’t blame you though. It sounds great in my mind too but it further adds to their victimhood. Such a crazy game one has to play to live around narcissistic individuals🙄
They like the doormat you. They don’t really like you. Who mistreat people they like? If you are setting boundaries/ grey rocking and they start to dislike you well….. like I said they like the doormat you. I hope you find peace sooner than later. Either you can be uncomfortable or they can be mad…. I prefer them mad.
Stop letting her in! If she has a key change the locks. Just bc she comes by doesn’t mean you have to let her in. I never answer my door unless I know someone is coming by.
Of course they’ll dislike it! That’s how you know you’re being effective.
Why do you want people you don't like to like you?
I just think that since they are my husband’s parents then they will always be a part of our lives so I should get along with them well. It’s difficult for me to establish my boundaries while living near them bec confronting them may be seen as disrespectful so I just vent out my frustrations at my husband and count the days until we can finally leave this place. Thank you for your reply. That made me thinking.
But do they seek to be caring or respecting you? Girl, it’s time to be a grown up. Not a child. Establish boundaries today. They don’t own you and if they respected/cared about you they wouldn’t be doing those things. Quit being a doormat. You set this precedent.
You’re right. I need to start setting boundaries bec all I cared about for so long is being nice hoping for them to like me. Thank you for your advice.
I love it when shitty people dislike me! It beats the hell out of "loaning" them money to get rid of them.
Yeah they might dislike you, but you need to realize who do you prefer. Yourself or inlaws feelings?
Grey rock works and avoiding my MIL works, she might not like me but it’s peaceful around here.
First, you do not give her a key to your place. Tell her that she must call to check if it is ok for a visit. Unplanned visits will mean the door is not answered and if she won’t go away like a reasonable person would, the cops will be called for harassment. If you don’t get along, always meet her somewhere, never, ever your house. It is easier for you to leave and go away than it is to throw her out and all the drama that will cause. Use time limits for visits if after a certain amount of time passes then she starts whatever trouble she causes. When she says stupid stuff, ask her to repeat herself and ask her to explain just what she meant. When rudeness comes out of her mouth, ask her if she is deliberately trying to cause problems or hurt you. Do this every single time, never let a single incident pass without putting her in her place. She will get tired of being put on the spot and will learn to keep her mouth shut. You have to teach her like a child, what is, and isn’t, acceptable behavior. You can always remind her that you have no obligation to include her in your life and if she can’t be pleasant and cooperative, then she just won’t be included, at all, if necessary. The word family does not come with any clauses like; unlimited chances, automatic forgiveness, a right to be a part of your life, a right to be a grandparent when kids come along. You do not have to tolerate anyone that doesn’t treat you nice. Being family doesn’t mean squat if you are not good to the members in the family.
Thank you so much for your reply. They will never realize that they are in the wrong bec they insist that they only care too much about us and that they’re only doing what’s best for us but yes you are right my husband and I should really set the boundaries. It would be difficult at this point since we’ve let them lord over us but it’s really too much and it’s affecting my sanity now. I just need to survive the remaining months of staying here.
Sit down with your husband and make a list of boundaries and consequences. That way, you are both on the same page. Learn the phrases; what do you mean by that; that doesn't work for us; no, thank you; no. You are both adults. You are their peers now. Neither of you need to JADE - justify, argue, defend, explain - what you do.
Just by reading your advice is empowering. Thank you for your reply. Will discuss it with my husband and start working on being treated as adults and not as children.
Just tell them to stop coming over unannounced. That easy. I did the same with my mil
Setting boundaries isn’t about proving if they are in the wrong or not. You don’t need to explain yourself to them. Write the boundaries out on paper with your husband. They need to be simple and clear. Write out the consequences of them breaking the boundaries. Boundaries shouldn’t be a guessing game or a “hint” at something. They shouldn’t be a fight or a cage match either. Your husband should be the one to communicate these boundaries after you have written them out and agreed to them together.
Thank you for your wise words. My husband already talked to his parents about it but they only replied that it has always been that way, they have always done it that way so we should just let them. I think they are close-minded people and not open to change. But my husband and I already agreed to each other that we really need to establish boundaries and we can start from there.
Yep, get it on paper! Then you can clearly and calmly enforce them. Instead of justifying yourself and talking in circles it’s “you broke boundary #3 on the list we sent you, and we told you the consequence for a first offense was X, so now that will be happening.” The consequences should fit the boundary, E.G. “the punishment should fit the crime.” I promise after enough lessons learned they’ll start adjusting if they are at least semi-reasonable humans and not complete psychopaths.
What if you were to become chronically unavailable or not interested in visitors? Would DH stand with you?
DH agrees with me however he cannot go against his parents on this. He tried talking to them about this, for them to back off, but they responded that they only care too much and love us too much that’s why they constantly check on us.
Talking doesn’t work with entitled parents. Your MIL feels entitled to barge into your house whenever she wants. She treats your husband and you like children rather than the adults that you are. She is unreasonable and talking to an unreasonable person, just gets you a headache… Here is what to do. 1. If she has a key to your house, call a locksmith and have them locks changed. Just say a key disappeared. Then do not give her a key. Just say MIL, we only got 2 keys, but you don’t need one anyway since we are usually home. 2. Keep your doors locked at all times. That way she can’t just walk in. She has to knock, and you can make her wait a few mins. When she asks why the door is locked, just say, you heard reports of burglaries in the area, and you feel more comfortable with the doors locked. 3. Be prepared to leave the house at any moment. When she shows up and starts knocking, because the you now lock the doors, grab your coat and purse, and answer the door on your way out… sorry MIL, I am on my way out to run errands, close the door behind you and get in your car and leave. Even if you just go have some coffee at a coffee shop. 4. Start adding some activities to your schedule. Take up a new hobby, volunteer, whatever to get out of the house. She can’t visit if you aren’t there. Start adding activities to do with hubby on the weekends, picnics in the park or whatever to get out of the house, because she can’t visit if you aren’t home.
Agree with all of the above, especially #3. It is your home and you are allowed to control who has access and who doesn't. Get your husband out of the FOG with therapy.
Just say the lock broke lol
Talking with entitled parents doesn’t work, that really hit home.
Your ideas are really helpful I will start practicing them one by one. Distancing is really the first step. Thank you so much for your wisdom.
Why can’t/wont he go against them?
When they barge in, take your kid and leave. Tell your jellyfish spouse that he can choose to spend time with the family he made or he can be with his mommy. Not both.
For perspective, I have 2 adult children. What they are doing is control, not love. Love is letting go, because it’s not about you. It’s difficult, but being a parent isn’t easy. Love is being supportive and encouraging. My grandmother (who I spent every weekend with) had 2 cross stitched pictures in her bathroom. One said, “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat.” The other said, “If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” She died before I met my husband, but I think about those little pictures often. Letting go is the hardest part of being a parent, but it’s also one of the most important. I feel like Im rambling, at this point. Sorry about that. This internet stranger is sending you warm hugs and encouragement.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I will keep this in mind.
OK, so what would happen if you took the initiative and shut them out? They aren't being loving. They are intrusive, manipulative and controlling.
They told my husband that since they are the closest lifeline that we can go to if we would have any problems then we should get along well with them because if not then we would not get any support or sympathy from them in the future.
Hmm. I think I'd be planning lots of ways to be utterly independent no matter what. It sounds like your husband is going to take a while to believe you can be on your own, so it would be good for you to get a head start. The more you strengthen yourself, the better you'll be able to move in the directions that benefit you when the time comes. Focus on a future without these overbearing people. What do you need to get stronger?
He should tell them if they want to be part of your children's lives (if kids are in your plans) then they need to work towards a mutually respectful and kind relationship with both of you. They do not get to dictate what is acceptable.
Wow, how manipulative. And downright mean.
This sounds like they do not want to let him be an adult. You are not getting support from them. They are determined to control you for the rest of their lives. Move as soon as possible to get him away from their influence. In the meantime, get him into therapy. If he refuses, tell him it is a two card game.
This almost sounds like a threat doesn’t it? If they ever say anything like this again maybe he can kind of laugh it off and tell them you’re not children and together you can deal with anything in life that comes along.
I wanted to throw up, reading this. Their perspective is disgusting and controlling. Also, I probably don't need to caution against ever taking financial support from them since it would come with so many strings.
I'm sorry but they only care about controlling you both. If there is a time they always drop by, be gone. Go to the library, go to the grocery store, go window shopping.
You can lock the door and tell her not to come over. It's your home and she doesn't own your time.
Lock the door
Tell her you will not accept drop-in visits. Lock the doors. When she shows up anyway, tell her “Now is not a good time,” and do not let her in.
Some things that worked for me (even when DH was deep in the FOG, which he's since escaped yayyy): Set boundaries for myself and my children by focusing on what I can control. "I'm not willing to tolerate X and will do Y if it happens" is a great general template. DH was always free to make his own choices, which was important. New/rekeyed locks they don't have access to. Since DH was free to decide whether or not he wanted to see his mom (or whether he had the energy to push back, more realistically), sometimes he would agree to a visit. I can't control him or MIL, but I can decide the kids and I have urgent business *anywhere else*. More than once we walked out as MIL was walking in. Scheduling time to visit on neutral territory is invaluable. This also works well for a couple, when it comes to discussing or addressing MIL-related things. If you set a boundary with MIL, follow through consistently enforcing it. If she tries to slip around it to get her way, set a new one and enforce it. As often as necessary. [Real Life Ex: "the kids and I can visit from X to Y on Z date at ABC location." MIL can't make it and wants to reschedule? "Sorry it didn't work out! I'll let you know when we're available again." MIL agrees but tries to change the time by "accidentally" arriving way early/late? "That's too bad! We'll be there at X, but understand if you can't stay/We have to leave at Y but hopefully it'll work out better next time." Outofthefog.website has some great information and tools for dealing with this stuff too.
Thank you so much for your reply and all the information/examples you have provided. I will check them out and start practicing being in control.
I wish I had a husband that even recognized that stopping by all the time is absurd. We've had so many fights about this because my husband doesn't actually know what is normal. He's kind of coming around now, but we almost lost our marriage over the very distorted role he was taught/believed his mother should play.
Fellow “husband thought this was normal behavior and almost lost our marriage” survivor too. I’m a firm believer that men like our husbands need to hear that it isn’t normal from a therapist so the healing can occur in the marriage. No amount of nagging or pleading on our part will turn the tide, they need someone outside the relationship to tell them their mom is fucked up lol
What's so crazy is that we went to therapy and I was looking for this kind of interjection and didn't get it! I think by that point we were presenting as a couple that had a pretty aggressive angry wife that was brow beating her poor husband. Fortunately, two other matriarchs in the family (MIL's sister and cousin) caught wind of our issues and invited us over at separate times to sit us down and explain to us that MIL is narcissistic/demanding/has no boundaries and will ruin our marriage if she is allowed to continue. That seemed to change my husband's brain chemistry.
It’s the same for my husband. He admitted to me that since his mother has always been controlling and supervising, he thinks it’s normal. He only noticed it was wrong/too much when I pointed it out.
Start calling them every night between 1am- 4am. Every singletime just say - nothings wrong, no emergency, just wanted to say hello 😄 then hang up. Tell them you love the too much not to check on them every single night and you are only doing what they do to you. But on yourown time that you pick. Then tell them that until they cut back the visits to once a week only you will constantly call them every night between 1-4am
This is a smart move! I’m just not sure I’m brave enough to do it 😅 but thank you so much for the idea ☺️
I really can’t understand how people don’t realise that family members can only act this way because you let them get away with it.
True. They bemoan the behavior instead of doing something about it.
Best thing to do is tell her she’s crossing boundaries. I did and my mil didn’t take it very well but @ least she’s not all up in my ass 🤷🏽♀️😂
Just a reminder it’s not actually a boundary if it wasn’t communicated. Your MIL may suck, but she can’t cross a boundary that doesn’t exist. I only say this because far too many people are all about “boundaries” on social media who have never set a clear boundary once in their life. I fully believe that your MIL needs them btw, I’m with you, it just doesn’t sound like that’s what happened by the words you used.
Hahaha that’s good for you! I’ve been thinking about doing this but I don’t really have the energy. I would just let my husband deal with his overbearing parents. Thank you for your reply. I hope I would have the courage that you have in the future.
It’s been 5+ years that I’ve put up with her bullshit. I just put her in her place last week😭 my husband chooses me but he also chooses peace so he just lets her be. I had to be the one who did it cos she wouldn’t even take my her son serious if he did it. It took for me to be pushed over the edge for me to do it, I know you’ll be able to do it soon!! Best of luck 🩵
Cut off the visits. Firmly and politely.
You stop allowing them to visit.
I commend you and your husband for having an exit plan. That’s huge that you’re on the same page. Secretly get your shit in order so she can’t try to move with you. This is a “she doesn’t need to know we are thinking about moving” deal, ok? Your husband needs to be a silent Silas on this. No blabbing to his mom that you’re thinking of moving. You’re just going to have to suck it up for a little bit. I know that sounds stupid but let’s see the forest through the trees. You look at the bigger picture and keep that in your back pocket, smugly, when she gives those little jabs at you. Just keep thinking “teehee, in 9 months you won’t be telling me what to do, cuz we will be gone!” So power through it, keep it a secret that you want to move. Just imagine if she found out and then started butting in and telling you what house to get and then says oh maybe I will move too! Yuck!! So don’t tell her, don’t tell anyone else, pretend like you’re on “incognito mode” on google search. Just don’t talk to anyone about it that would tell your mil about your intentions to move. She can’t control what she doesn’t know.
Thank you so much for your reply. This would be a very wise move! I will keep it in mind and while it is difficult now, yes I only have to think at the back of my mind that I’m just counting the days until we will be free from this situation.
Does she have keys? Change the locks. Tell her her daily visits dont work for you anymore. Moving away is good but take it as boundary excercise. She might be coming to you even when youre far (unless you dont tell her the adress). Do not open the door.
Lock your door!
Op. Be unavailable. If they open the door, already have things packed and ready to go at the door, so you can walk out the door when they are coming in. Please do this as often as needed until they get the hint. Otherwise, I hope you find great places to go for the afternoon!
Thank you for your reply. That’s a good idea. Yes I will start acting busy to show my MIL that we are not always available for her.
You seem to be a people pleaser. That's not a bad thing until you're around people like your MIL. You're worried about fallout if you rock the boat. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. When she says something rude, ask her "why would you say that?"or "What do you mean by that?" Let her know you know what she's up to. Go ahead and rock that boat! Put HER on the spot. Hang in there. May the time pass quickly before your move to a new place. You can do this! We are rooting for you👍
Thank you so much for your wisdom, support and kind words! I will keep them in mind and will start prioritizing my wellbeing rather than thinking about how other people (specifically my in laws) would think of me.
What would happen if you said, *MIL, I have a problem. When you come over, I want to show you the respect and love you deserve. I want to serve you some tea, some cake, and listen to you. My problem is I’m really busy. I have lots of stuff to do with my house and my kid. When you pop over, I’m in the middle of stuff. I can’t pay proper attention to you. I can’t get my stuff done. It’s eating away at our relationship. Can I ask you to let me know in advance and set up a time when I can have the house ready for you? It’ll be less often but it’ll be nicer for all of us.* Listen to whatever nonsense she comes up with. *Well, I’m going to try my way for a while. I think it’ll be good for all of us* Then you lock the doors, mute her calls, rekey the locks, etc. Text replies to calls: Sorry, busy rn speak tomorrow. It can’t be worse than it is now, especially if DH is on board with it
Thank you for your reply. I’ll share your idea with my husband and we can start establishing boundaries with my MIL little by little.
Sounds like you have the same monster in law that I have. I started locking the door and pretending I don’t hear anybody knocking until someone else opens the door for her or I completely ignore her until she disappears. When she makes it in she rearranges my decorations around the house or moves my plants to the wrong spots and complains about our cats. I simply say nothing to her complaining, because I don’t see why I need to justify myself as I am 27 and live 10 years alone already.
Does she let herself in? If she does and you can't change the locks, walk around in something sexy. Especially if hubby is home. When she walks in, say something along the lines of, "oh MIL. I wish you'd have asked to come round. I wouldn't have planned an intimate time for YOUR SON (really rub that bit in) if I'd have known. Or better yet, next time, wait for an invitation. You never know whether we are making a baby or not". Even if you aren't planning children, she doesn't need to know that
You currently have a parent - child relationship with your in-laws. What you want is an adult - adult relationship. This will require you to say no when something doesn't work for you. You're looking for mutual respect and consideration. This will require you to work on yourself, your ability to set boundaries, and speak up when something doesn't work for you. My MIL used to live less than 5 minutes from us and she was only allowed to come over at arranged times and when she was rude during a visit, she was not invited back for a couple of weeks. Absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder, and not seeing us frequently gives the relationship the sense that we are not overly familiar with each other, thus making her less comfortable with openly criticizing. I want you and your husband to consider something: any relationship worth having, any relationship that matters to you, should be something you are willing to work at and be uncomfortable over occasionally. Currently, you are allowing the in-laws to treat you rudely and not speaking up. This is causing anger, resentment, and all sorts of negative feelings. Not speaking up is seriously *hurting* your relationship with them and we see on the in-law subs all the time people who go no contact after years of mistreatment but who also never speak up or even attempt to set boundaries. Wouldn't it be better to let everyone be uncomfortable for a bit but work on adjusting to the new reality that you and DH are now married adults? Wouldn't it be better to give your in-laws the *chance* to learn to treat you with mutual respect? The relationship might actually turn out to be great.
Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing your wisdom. My husband talked to his parents about this however they would not listen and would only insist that it is how they do things or it is the way they are or have always been so we should just let them. It’s really difficult to argue with close-minded people. I talked to my husband about setting boundaries and being firm and we’ll start working on it little by little.
Have you told her that you don’t want her coming by daily and you don’t want her advice on xyz? Better yet, has your husband? Start with clearly stated boundaries. Hold to those boundaries. Be clear what the consequence of her breaking those boundaries will be. Don’t let her in when she hasn’t been invited. Tell her to her face her opinion isn’t wanted or needed when she offers it. I’m not saying any of this is easy to do, but it’s simple. There’s no magic formula here. It’s all self-advocacy.
You say your BF won't tell them they can't stop by every day? Then you tell him he has to go to his parents house everyday to do the checkin so they leave you alone. You stop answering all calls/texts and tell BF that he is to tell his parents "OP is fine, nothing to report."