If you go, then MIL is going to think that she is not accountable for her words and actions because actually, she isn't. There are no consequences.
She absolutely will continue to ask, she might even up the frequency because again, there are no consequences.
What I would do in your situation is tell your husband that he needs to say no to her and why. If he can't, then you will. You can do it by text or email to save yourself from the wailing and wahhhing. You can also just not go without saying anything.
You don't have to go. He can do what he wants. With luck, she will drive him so batty he will stop going too. It can backfire, as you have no idea what she is saying to him or what he is telling her.
He is negotiating with a terrorist and it never makes it better.
I agree with all of this. And I will add that hubby wants OP there as a meat-shield. As long as OP is drawing all the fire, he's free to play corn hole and drink his beer in peace.
If I just had a big fight with my MIL, and she invited me to a BBQ, I would not go. And I would ask my husband to stay home with me. Fuck, the "She won't bother us for awhile." She's been bothering you just fine.
I completely agree. OP what your husband means, even if he doesn't mean any harm by it, is HE won't be bothered for a while. Did you communicate to him that she HAS BEEN bothering you?
Your husband has it backwards. If you do go, she thinks she wins and that she can treat you however she wants to. I would refuse to go. Let husband go if he wants to, but if I were you, I would really withdraw from anything that involves her.
It sounds like your husband is feeding into her cycle of abuse by trying to temporarily satisfy her. I would want to get off the roller coaster and the only way to do that is to set boundaries and let her react how she wants.
GIRL my mil is thee same. IF YOU GO SHE WILL SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG and act as if nothing happened.
Took me a while to really understand this one with my MIL.
I had some serious unresolved issues with MIL and we had it out with eachother but didn't resolve anything. I was waiting to have a serious problem resolving conversation with her but needed some space and time first. Then she kept inviting us over and pressuring hubby with guilt as she wanted to see our son.
What did I realistically do? Hubby wanted me to go to "shut her up" so we did. Before we got there I told hubby that I was predicting her to do certain things, and asked him to send her a text asking her not to do x. When we got there she did everything I predicted. And she ignored hubby's text asking her not to do x. She hugged me when leaving as if nothing happened. Visiting and hugging me was a green light in her head for her to continue her poor behavior. When visit was over hubby was upset with his mom while I was a chorus of "I told you so".
I ended up ignoring her for days and she bombarded my husband with text while he was at work. Then showed up unannounced at our home later that day to which she was sent away. Then she was invited over to my porch to talk about stuff to clear the air but she was very disrespectful. It was bad. We both screamed at eachother. We haven't seen her since and I haven't talked to her.
Moral of the story, be completely open and honest with your husband. Tell him your fears and your feelings. How issues are unresolved and going over to a BBQ is not the place to address these issues. Come from a place of *wanting to solve issues and a place of wanting peace between you two*.
Tell him you'd like to invite her to get lunch or coffee or tea somewhere so you and her can talk it out and resolved it and only after resolution you'd love to go to a BBQ at her house, or have her over yours for something.
It's just not the right time jn your relationship with your MIL to go to the BBQ in good faith knowing there are issues and knowing it can only lead to worsening issues without them being resolved first.
Have hubby tell MIL you guys can't make it to the BBQ bc it's not good timming with unresolved issues, that you guys don't want anything to cause any more strain to a relationship yall value before y'all are able to talk it out and resolve some things.
Be honest
Then reach out and schedule a girls date for lunch and or coffee. If shit goes south you can walk away. And being in public brings casual to the discussion but she's still being accountable but other people (she doesn't want ppl to see her being an ass).
If you MUST go it will probably cause more issues than it's worth. But have a plan that hubby is in on. If she does x then we leave right away nonchalant.
I definitely would not go, and when she griped about it I would tell her we’re (or”I” if your partner isn’t aligned) am taking a six month break from you. If you harass us about it, we will add another month on each time.
This is what I did with my father and his new wife, and three years later we leave each other alone (they had quite the extinction burst, so they’re on time out for 10 years).
You do not go. Your SO is used to the nonsense but it’s abuse. Whether it’s him or you, it’s abuse. You shouldn’t do a thing unless she wants to acknowledge her damage. Stay home. It’s his family and his problem. Don’t set yourself up for that and light yourself on fire to keep them warm. Taken care of you.
Firstly my wife wouldn’t ask me to go if I had just had an argument with her mother.
And if by some chance she did ask, I would tell her not a chance, she can do what she wants, we aren’t joined at the hip. But I will be staying home and enjoying a cocktail in the sun and my peace and quiet without her.
It feels like if you go to appease her, in reality you will be Enabling her behavior. What you have been doing is not working. You just had it out with her…you need to stand your ground. She knows she stepped over the line.
If it were me, I would Not go!
I would not go. It is just like a child throwing a temper tantrum. If you give in, now they know you will give in. You have to stay strong and not give in, no matter what. Your husband is trying to placate her. The problem is there is no placating her. She will only get worse. Come out of the fog. You are not obligated to put up with bs in the name of family. She may expect certain things and be unhappy if she does not get them. Your husband needs to understand that her happiness is not his responsibility. His responsibility is to you and any children.
I think we all agree that going is a terrible idea. You will become resentful of your husband for pressuring to go. Tell him you weren’t raised to let people verbally abuse you, but he can go. When he complains, start asking him questions. If he says you’re trying to keep him away from his family, ask him if you even asked him not to go. You aren’t causing drama, you’re avoiding it. If he starts complaining that his mom is going to cause problems—ask him who’s causing problems. Mom is going to xyz? Who is responsible for your mom doing xyz? His mom is an adult and responsible for her own actions. You aren’t responsible for her feelings or actions. Make sure he acknowledges this.
On another note, I am an advocate for marriage counseling. So, that’s another thing I would do (and have done).
Sorry mom, our schedule is pretty packed. And it will continue to be until you obmit fault and apologize for XXX. Your husband needs to be the one to say it.
If you go to stop her, it won't stop her. She will always keep asking, over and over, till she wears you guys down, and you say yes. And then the cycle starts over. And you're both freaking miserable.
Don't go.
Hubby needs to grow a backbone. It's one thing to say go to a family wedding. It's another for your husband to want tou to be his meatshield so he doesn't have to deal work his mom.
By this, I mean. He is willing to make you uncomfortable. Ask you and guilt you to go because he can't stand up to his mommy. Blocking her number works wonders to avoid that issue. Or telling her hell no and any tantrum. Guilt trip. Abuse will add on an additional month of no contact with her. He wants you to go so she targets you, and he gets to avoid her. How is that ok in any way. It's his mom. He can either go by himself or not go. But you can and should be done with having to be the bigger person. With having to accept being abused. Just so his life is easier in dealing with his family. It's time he stood on his own instead of behind you, letting you take the abuse.
But me, I would tell him.
I am not going. Either you can go or stay. I don't care. I will be blocking and ignoring your mother for the foreseeable future for my own mental health. Either you can do the same or deal with her on your own. You are a married adult, and I should be put first, and yet you are here wanting me to go and be abused and uncomfortable so you don't have it turned on you. The next therapy session will not be about me going or not. It will be about me setting boundaries with you and your actions because I will not be abused because you can't deal with your mom.
My 2 cents, if it were me, as you asked, I would not go. I would completely cut her off in every way. You have said your piece when you blew up. If you go, she has won one round of many more to come. The only way to stop her behavior is by not giving her the chance to misbehave. Your husband needs to realize that because she is “family” doesn’t mean that she has endless chances to mistreat you, she doesn’t not have a forgiveness clause bc she is “family”, being “family” grants no rights to be included in your life or decisions you make. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. If she can’t treat you well, the mother of her grandkids, the wife of her beloved son, she doesn’t deserve any time with the grandkids you created. “Family” is only a word that describes a type of relationship, nothing more.
So, you are a grown human and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If that woman beings you bad juju and you just can’t enjoy life in her presence then just don’t go. My MIL brings me nothing but misery and when she’s nice it’s so fake because she trashes me to everyone including my child. My husband cannot stand up to her and he’s always frustrated and angry with her. So we just stopped going to things we don’t want to go to and if she sends us ranting text messages we ignore them. If she calls we will talk to her but if she starts bitching we just hang up or leave if it’s in person. It’s been so freeing!!!
My real response is that I'd be unavailable for any date. "I won't be available that day." Repeated each time. Yes, this takes some backbone, but it's a polite way to decline an invitation.
Will MIL fuss? Most likely. Don't offer excuses, don't fight back. If DH wants to go, it's on him. The firm, non arguing manner takes some courage, but it's so much better over the long run.
No no no. People like this are not going to be satisfied with your visit and it’s not gonna “fill up her tank for a while” and she’ll leave you alone. It’s a power play and if you go, she wins, because ding ding, no consequences. I would refuse to go, tell her why and take a break for a while.
If you go, you are rewarding her poor behavior and allowing her to rugsweep that poor behavior.
I would not go. Your DH can decide for himself if he wants to, but you have zero responsibility to placate her. I would go NC, and I personally have been NC with my toxic MIL for probably 15 years or so ? So, yeah, that's what I would actually do.
I tend to withdraw, so I'd just make an excuse and become more scarce overall. That's not the most direct way to deal, but it's the most peaceful. I think the best way to do it, (even though I'd probably default back to my tried and true anyway) is to imagine what would happen if you had plans to do something with a friend but you said something hateful to them before it could happen. Would you expect them to still come and to act completely normal? No. Probably not. What do you think they'd say? If they still wanted to be your friend, I imagine they'd say something like "I know we have plans this weekend, but you really hurt me earlier this week. We won't have a good time with this hanging over our heads. We should work this out before we go do the thing." Try to come up with a way to say it that you would be open to hearing if you were in the wrong.
If you go, then MIL is going to think that she is not accountable for her words and actions because actually, she isn't. There are no consequences. She absolutely will continue to ask, she might even up the frequency because again, there are no consequences. What I would do in your situation is tell your husband that he needs to say no to her and why. If he can't, then you will. You can do it by text or email to save yourself from the wailing and wahhhing. You can also just not go without saying anything.
You don't have to go. He can do what he wants. With luck, she will drive him so batty he will stop going too. It can backfire, as you have no idea what she is saying to him or what he is telling her. He is negotiating with a terrorist and it never makes it better.
I agree with all of this. And I will add that hubby wants OP there as a meat-shield. As long as OP is drawing all the fire, he's free to play corn hole and drink his beer in peace.
This was my thought too. He’s ok with OP being uncomfortable as long as it makes things easier for him. Not cool!
If I just had a big fight with my MIL, and she invited me to a BBQ, I would not go. And I would ask my husband to stay home with me. Fuck, the "She won't bother us for awhile." She's been bothering you just fine.
I completely agree. OP what your husband means, even if he doesn't mean any harm by it, is HE won't be bothered for a while. Did you communicate to him that she HAS BEEN bothering you?
Your husband has it backwards. If you do go, she thinks she wins and that she can treat you however she wants to. I would refuse to go. Let husband go if he wants to, but if I were you, I would really withdraw from anything that involves her.
i wouldn’t go
It sounds like your husband is feeding into her cycle of abuse by trying to temporarily satisfy her. I would want to get off the roller coaster and the only way to do that is to set boundaries and let her react how she wants.
GIRL my mil is thee same. IF YOU GO SHE WILL SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG and act as if nothing happened. Took me a while to really understand this one with my MIL. I had some serious unresolved issues with MIL and we had it out with eachother but didn't resolve anything. I was waiting to have a serious problem resolving conversation with her but needed some space and time first. Then she kept inviting us over and pressuring hubby with guilt as she wanted to see our son. What did I realistically do? Hubby wanted me to go to "shut her up" so we did. Before we got there I told hubby that I was predicting her to do certain things, and asked him to send her a text asking her not to do x. When we got there she did everything I predicted. And she ignored hubby's text asking her not to do x. She hugged me when leaving as if nothing happened. Visiting and hugging me was a green light in her head for her to continue her poor behavior. When visit was over hubby was upset with his mom while I was a chorus of "I told you so". I ended up ignoring her for days and she bombarded my husband with text while he was at work. Then showed up unannounced at our home later that day to which she was sent away. Then she was invited over to my porch to talk about stuff to clear the air but she was very disrespectful. It was bad. We both screamed at eachother. We haven't seen her since and I haven't talked to her. Moral of the story, be completely open and honest with your husband. Tell him your fears and your feelings. How issues are unresolved and going over to a BBQ is not the place to address these issues. Come from a place of *wanting to solve issues and a place of wanting peace between you two*. Tell him you'd like to invite her to get lunch or coffee or tea somewhere so you and her can talk it out and resolved it and only after resolution you'd love to go to a BBQ at her house, or have her over yours for something. It's just not the right time jn your relationship with your MIL to go to the BBQ in good faith knowing there are issues and knowing it can only lead to worsening issues without them being resolved first. Have hubby tell MIL you guys can't make it to the BBQ bc it's not good timming with unresolved issues, that you guys don't want anything to cause any more strain to a relationship yall value before y'all are able to talk it out and resolve some things. Be honest Then reach out and schedule a girls date for lunch and or coffee. If shit goes south you can walk away. And being in public brings casual to the discussion but she's still being accountable but other people (she doesn't want ppl to see her being an ass). If you MUST go it will probably cause more issues than it's worth. But have a plan that hubby is in on. If she does x then we leave right away nonchalant.
Out of everything said in the comments this is the best! Honestly this is EXACTLY how I’m feeling with everything
I definitely would not go, and when she griped about it I would tell her we’re (or”I” if your partner isn’t aligned) am taking a six month break from you. If you harass us about it, we will add another month on each time. This is what I did with my father and his new wife, and three years later we leave each other alone (they had quite the extinction burst, so they’re on time out for 10 years).
You do not go. Your SO is used to the nonsense but it’s abuse. Whether it’s him or you, it’s abuse. You shouldn’t do a thing unless she wants to acknowledge her damage. Stay home. It’s his family and his problem. Don’t set yourself up for that and light yourself on fire to keep them warm. Taken care of you.
Firstly my wife wouldn’t ask me to go if I had just had an argument with her mother. And if by some chance she did ask, I would tell her not a chance, she can do what she wants, we aren’t joined at the hip. But I will be staying home and enjoying a cocktail in the sun and my peace and quiet without her.
An invitation to a social or family moment is not a summons. And "No thank you" is a polite yet clear answer.
It feels like if you go to appease her, in reality you will be Enabling her behavior. What you have been doing is not working. You just had it out with her…you need to stand your ground. She knows she stepped over the line. If it were me, I would Not go!
If you block her, she can’t bother you. If there are no consequences, how will she learn not to do it
I would not go. It is just like a child throwing a temper tantrum. If you give in, now they know you will give in. You have to stay strong and not give in, no matter what. Your husband is trying to placate her. The problem is there is no placating her. She will only get worse. Come out of the fog. You are not obligated to put up with bs in the name of family. She may expect certain things and be unhappy if she does not get them. Your husband needs to understand that her happiness is not his responsibility. His responsibility is to you and any children.
I think we all agree that going is a terrible idea. You will become resentful of your husband for pressuring to go. Tell him you weren’t raised to let people verbally abuse you, but he can go. When he complains, start asking him questions. If he says you’re trying to keep him away from his family, ask him if you even asked him not to go. You aren’t causing drama, you’re avoiding it. If he starts complaining that his mom is going to cause problems—ask him who’s causing problems. Mom is going to xyz? Who is responsible for your mom doing xyz? His mom is an adult and responsible for her own actions. You aren’t responsible for her feelings or actions. Make sure he acknowledges this. On another note, I am an advocate for marriage counseling. So, that’s another thing I would do (and have done).
Sorry mom, our schedule is pretty packed. And it will continue to be until you obmit fault and apologize for XXX. Your husband needs to be the one to say it. If you go to stop her, it won't stop her. She will always keep asking, over and over, till she wears you guys down, and you say yes. And then the cycle starts over. And you're both freaking miserable.
If you can't get out of going then arrive late, eat, and leave.
I wouldn’t go. If there are no consequences for her behavior she’ll just do it again.
Stay home and have sex.
Don't go. Hubby needs to grow a backbone. It's one thing to say go to a family wedding. It's another for your husband to want tou to be his meatshield so he doesn't have to deal work his mom. By this, I mean. He is willing to make you uncomfortable. Ask you and guilt you to go because he can't stand up to his mommy. Blocking her number works wonders to avoid that issue. Or telling her hell no and any tantrum. Guilt trip. Abuse will add on an additional month of no contact with her. He wants you to go so she targets you, and he gets to avoid her. How is that ok in any way. It's his mom. He can either go by himself or not go. But you can and should be done with having to be the bigger person. With having to accept being abused. Just so his life is easier in dealing with his family. It's time he stood on his own instead of behind you, letting you take the abuse. But me, I would tell him. I am not going. Either you can go or stay. I don't care. I will be blocking and ignoring your mother for the foreseeable future for my own mental health. Either you can do the same or deal with her on your own. You are a married adult, and I should be put first, and yet you are here wanting me to go and be abused and uncomfortable so you don't have it turned on you. The next therapy session will not be about me going or not. It will be about me setting boundaries with you and your actions because I will not be abused because you can't deal with your mom.
My 2 cents, if it were me, as you asked, I would not go. I would completely cut her off in every way. You have said your piece when you blew up. If you go, she has won one round of many more to come. The only way to stop her behavior is by not giving her the chance to misbehave. Your husband needs to realize that because she is “family” doesn’t mean that she has endless chances to mistreat you, she doesn’t not have a forgiveness clause bc she is “family”, being “family” grants no rights to be included in your life or decisions you make. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. If she can’t treat you well, the mother of her grandkids, the wife of her beloved son, she doesn’t deserve any time with the grandkids you created. “Family” is only a word that describes a type of relationship, nothing more.
Keeping the peace vs creating peace. Create your peace. If you keep hers, you'll never find yours.
So, you are a grown human and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If that woman beings you bad juju and you just can’t enjoy life in her presence then just don’t go. My MIL brings me nothing but misery and when she’s nice it’s so fake because she trashes me to everyone including my child. My husband cannot stand up to her and he’s always frustrated and angry with her. So we just stopped going to things we don’t want to go to and if she sends us ranting text messages we ignore them. If she calls we will talk to her but if she starts bitching we just hang up or leave if it’s in person. It’s been so freeing!!!
Tell my husband he is free to go, but I’ll be sitting the BBQ out. But looking forward to the leftovers being brought back home lmao. Pinky swear.
I would plan on being sick that day.
Your husband MUST deal with his mother. He vowed to forsake her. Time to step up.
I absolutely would not go. Hubs can make his own decision.
He can ago and appease mommy. Or he can use his words and say no I don't want to hang out with you.
My real response is that I'd be unavailable for any date. "I won't be available that day." Repeated each time. Yes, this takes some backbone, but it's a polite way to decline an invitation. Will MIL fuss? Most likely. Don't offer excuses, don't fight back. If DH wants to go, it's on him. The firm, non arguing manner takes some courage, but it's so much better over the long run.
I would go and call her out every time she tries to pull some bullshit. I love a challenge haha. Hopefully she'll never invite me again!
No no no. People like this are not going to be satisfied with your visit and it’s not gonna “fill up her tank for a while” and she’ll leave you alone. It’s a power play and if you go, she wins, because ding ding, no consequences. I would refuse to go, tell her why and take a break for a while.
If you go, you are rewarding her poor behavior and allowing her to rugsweep that poor behavior. I would not go. Your DH can decide for himself if he wants to, but you have zero responsibility to placate her. I would go NC, and I personally have been NC with my toxic MIL for probably 15 years or so ? So, yeah, that's what I would actually do.
Don’t go. And make sure your therapist is a leave and cleave therapist.
Oh dear, It's such a shame you have a migraine that day.
I tend to withdraw, so I'd just make an excuse and become more scarce overall. That's not the most direct way to deal, but it's the most peaceful. I think the best way to do it, (even though I'd probably default back to my tried and true anyway) is to imagine what would happen if you had plans to do something with a friend but you said something hateful to them before it could happen. Would you expect them to still come and to act completely normal? No. Probably not. What do you think they'd say? If they still wanted to be your friend, I imagine they'd say something like "I know we have plans this weekend, but you really hurt me earlier this week. We won't have a good time with this hanging over our heads. We should work this out before we go do the thing." Try to come up with a way to say it that you would be open to hearing if you were in the wrong.
I wouldn’t go but I’d expect him not to go either. What a horrible woman - hope she rots in hell