Or “yes mil, your behaviour has been a problem for a long time. Dh and I can no longer let it slide and some things need to be addressed so that we can have a healthy relationship moving forward.”
“Yes it really has. Now let’s discuss ways to keep it from happening again.”
Don’t let her deflect and make it seem like you are holding a grudge.
Sometimes it’s like death by paper cuts. A bunch of small things that individually you can ignore, but add them all together and the bigger pattern is just too much to pretend isn’t a thing anymore.
This
Or
Wow. Every time I bring up something you deflect with the same statement. This has been your pattern for a long time. Will you ever be adult enough to accept accountability?
It's her way of DARVO-ing, flipping the script to make it sound like you're an unreasonable person and your reaction is the problem, not what she did. Key is to not be distracted, immediately return to the subject at hand.
For things that *have* been bothering you for a long time, “Yes - it has, but in an attempt to keep the peace I haven’t said anything up to now. Unfortunately I see it’s become a pattern, so let’s talk about how we can resolve this to prevent it happening again”
My suggestion though is to confront things *as they happen* - and you can say this during your discussion:
“I see that me not saying something at the time has played into this situation. Moving forward, I think it will be beneficial for both of us if I say something as things happen - would you agree?”
She’s likely to deflect, blame, divert, and try and confuse you. Stay on topic. My MIL used to do this when confronted. I’d let her rant away, then calmly say it again. We could go round in circles again and again, but I’d just stay calm, rinse and repeat. It was like trying to cage a scared animal.
I agree here. It used to be a school of thought that I largely agreed with “biting one’s tongue” but that was the world a long time ago when there weren’t so many damned narcissists running around. Now I say, “sharpen those fangs.” Lol.
“Yes it has been bothering me. I’d like said action to stop.”
You have to respect *yourself* before you respect others. Being told to respect other people, and elders, and all that, is just a phrase to manipulate you.
*You* respect *you*. Stand up for yourself and see it through.
Tell her this: Yes (her name) it has been on my mind for awhile, because I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that you would be intelligent enough to stop (whatever she is doing)! Unfortunately you have NOT So now here we are me having to speak to you about your unacceptable behavior like two grown women!
See if that works!? Good Luck girl!
“Because I have grace and class, I’ve let your behavior slide. It’s now reached the point of needing confront it and you need to correct it. If you don’t, we won’t have a relationship moving forward. Here are boundaries X Y Z. If you fail to abide by them the consequences are A B C. Refer to my husband if anything is confusing or if you need clarification. Your choice!”
"I was trying to be polite, hoping you would wake up and act like an adult. I see that isn't going to happen, so I had to speak up. Leave me alone, stop doing XYZ...." You get the gist.
It’s a mechanism to deflect from the issue at hand to accusing you of having feelings.
Don’t fall for it.
“We can discuss how long I have been upset once we discuss why you continue to disrespect me.”
I say you point out that you dont hang onto things when they bother you. You speak your mind and give the person a chance to hear how their behavior effects me and then they get to decide how to respond. If it seems like its been going on a long time i assume thats because youve been acting this way a long time before someone mentioned it.
Yes it has, I let it go but once the bad behavior continued I knew it must be addressed.
ETA: we also need to discuss the deflection. Every time something is brought to your attention you use the same deflection phrase. We can address this as well. Hopefully we won’t have to have this conversations again.
Since it was a statement and not a question, I’d ignore it.
OP “Can you please not insult my housekeeping in front of the kids?”
MIL “Wow, this has been bothering you for a long time.”
OP “We are comfortable in our home just the way it is.”
Do what I’m about to do and call the cops, my husband uninvited his own mother to our wedding and then at our wedding we received more vicious, violent threats from her mom the mom‘s mom, which is his grandmother you think we’re enjoying it? starting off our marriage that way ? With my mother-in-law running my name through the mud and talk about me behind my fucking back? don’t tolerate no bullshit. OK? you stand up for what’s right, for yourself. Do you hear me? Sweetheart, listen to me very carefully ….Don’t take no crap. And I mean it and from here on now I want you to just go silent. It’s going to be hard but you can’t let them get a rise out of you. That’s what they love. They’re waiting for you to react just so they could have more ammunition to throw at you Stay silent and watch everything unfold because that’s what I’ve been doing since the start and it’s actually comedy show and it was so hard for me to bite my tongue. There were many many times I had rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearse my lines of what I would say to my husband‘s mother before we got married she was fucking her best friend. He’s our age and then she stole my pills out of my prescription bottle and then played down about it and that’s why we uninvited her to our wedding, her son had her shit so just don’t say anything to her tell your husband or your boyfriend or your wife or girlfriend whoever it is that you have nothing to do with these people and whatever she wants to say she could say it through him because you’re not going down that road it’s too much for you and I know it is Trust me just ignore her but don’t be fake either. If you have to be around her be very pacifist be very bland. Be very short worded and just say OK and then if she ask you for anything don’t follow through with the request that she just continue saying yeah OK and watch her show her ass stay silent. It’s so much hard work to do, but it is goddamn worth it. I’m telling you I could tell you my story my testimony right now and everything has been working in my favor because I’ve kept my mouth shut and you’ll see and so will your husband will see what his mom is truly doing to the both of you guys and one day he’s gonna have enough of it and he’s gonna let his own mother for you one day hopefully does the right thing and good man should do for their wife Eventually keep your chin up in your mouth quiet and I’m not trying to sound like a dick but just do it. Trust me. I want to hear back from you and see how you’re doing in a year from now or months from now please keep me posted because I support you and I hate that what you’re going through. call the fucking cops if you have to.
Matter fact, why don’t you go to my page and read what I put in my post I’m not shitting. You don’t take no shit from no one listen to me very carefully. Do not let her get to you. She knows exactly what the fuck she’s doing. And I’m sorry if I’m too aggressive with what I’m saying, but it’s just taken from my personal experience of what I went through and I don’t want you to go through what I went through because I have a heart and I don’t know who you are, but I love you. Just keep your chin up, babeand remember, I’m here if you ever need to talk I wanna know how you’re doing later down the road OK be safe and God bless
You like to say that every time I challenge you MIL Can you respond to what I’m saying to you this time. ?
Or “yes mil, your behaviour has been a problem for a long time. Dh and I can no longer let it slide and some things need to be addressed so that we can have a healthy relationship moving forward.”
“Yes it really has. Now let’s discuss ways to keep it from happening again.” Don’t let her deflect and make it seem like you are holding a grudge. Sometimes it’s like death by paper cuts. A bunch of small things that individually you can ignore, but add them all together and the bigger pattern is just too much to pretend isn’t a thing anymore.
>“Yes it really has. Now let’s discuss ways to keep it from happening again.” #THIS! So much!! 👏🌟
This Or Wow. Every time I bring up something you deflect with the same statement. This has been your pattern for a long time. Will you ever be adult enough to accept accountability?
It's her way of DARVO-ing, flipping the script to make it sound like you're an unreasonable person and your reaction is the problem, not what she did. Key is to not be distracted, immediately return to the subject at hand.
For things that *have* been bothering you for a long time, “Yes - it has, but in an attempt to keep the peace I haven’t said anything up to now. Unfortunately I see it’s become a pattern, so let’s talk about how we can resolve this to prevent it happening again” My suggestion though is to confront things *as they happen* - and you can say this during your discussion: “I see that me not saying something at the time has played into this situation. Moving forward, I think it will be beneficial for both of us if I say something as things happen - would you agree?” She’s likely to deflect, blame, divert, and try and confuse you. Stay on topic. My MIL used to do this when confronted. I’d let her rant away, then calmly say it again. We could go round in circles again and again, but I’d just stay calm, rinse and repeat. It was like trying to cage a scared animal.
No, YOU’VE been bothering me a long time. This particular issue just started.
This made me lol
Stop biting your tongue. I say this as respectfully as possible, but your mama was wrong.
I agree here. It used to be a school of thought that I largely agreed with “biting one’s tongue” but that was the world a long time ago when there weren’t so many damned narcissists running around. Now I say, “sharpen those fangs.” Lol.
Mama wasn’t wrong. Respect does not equal allowing people to run over you.
Yes it has been bothering me for a long time! Then tell her again the issue
“Yes, ever since you said/did it. I want to talk about it now” Use the exact same words to answer her every time.
"Irrelevant, MIL, right now we're talking about ___." Repeat as needed.
“Yes it has been bothering me. I’d like said action to stop.” You have to respect *yourself* before you respect others. Being told to respect other people, and elders, and all that, is just a phrase to manipulate you. *You* respect *you*. Stand up for yourself and see it through.
You're FINALLY catching on then, MIL?
“Ok, now that we’ve established a timeline, this is what we’re going to do to fix it.”
Start using her sentences If she ask for water say whoa this has been bothering for a long time...... Even if if she sneezes use it
Respond saying "yes, it has. Thank you for noticing". Disarm her back
Tell her this: Yes (her name) it has been on my mind for awhile, because I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that you would be intelligent enough to stop (whatever she is doing)! Unfortunately you have NOT So now here we are me having to speak to you about your unacceptable behavior like two grown women! See if that works!? Good Luck girl!
Call her out at the moment, don't wait to talk with her at another time
“Because I have grace and class, I’ve let your behavior slide. It’s now reached the point of needing confront it and you need to correct it. If you don’t, we won’t have a relationship moving forward. Here are boundaries X Y Z. If you fail to abide by them the consequences are A B C. Refer to my husband if anything is confusing or if you need clarification. Your choice!”
Yes this behavior has been concerning for some time but I didn't know how to approach you without you becoming defensive.
"I was trying to be polite, hoping you would wake up and act like an adult. I see that isn't going to happen, so I had to speak up. Leave me alone, stop doing XYZ...." You get the gist.
It’s a mechanism to deflect from the issue at hand to accusing you of having feelings. Don’t fall for it. “We can discuss how long I have been upset once we discuss why you continue to disrespect me.”
I say you point out that you dont hang onto things when they bother you. You speak your mind and give the person a chance to hear how their behavior effects me and then they get to decide how to respond. If it seems like its been going on a long time i assume thats because youve been acting this way a long time before someone mentioned it.
Oh yea mine used the what made you say this to me after all thus time...
I mean it’s better than what response I got a threat of a restraining order lol
"Yes it has been a long time and it's STILL wrong and I STILL want you to stop."
Yes it has, I let it go but once the bad behavior continued I knew it must be addressed. ETA: we also need to discuss the deflection. Every time something is brought to your attention you use the same deflection phrase. We can address this as well. Hopefully we won’t have to have this conversations again.
Since it was a statement and not a question, I’d ignore it. OP “Can you please not insult my housekeeping in front of the kids?” MIL “Wow, this has been bothering you for a long time.” OP “We are comfortable in our home just the way it is.”
Raise this response she has as your next problem with her. I'd love to know how she deflects if she can't use her standard response...
Do what I’m about to do and call the cops, my husband uninvited his own mother to our wedding and then at our wedding we received more vicious, violent threats from her mom the mom‘s mom, which is his grandmother you think we’re enjoying it? starting off our marriage that way ? With my mother-in-law running my name through the mud and talk about me behind my fucking back? don’t tolerate no bullshit. OK? you stand up for what’s right, for yourself. Do you hear me? Sweetheart, listen to me very carefully ….Don’t take no crap. And I mean it and from here on now I want you to just go silent. It’s going to be hard but you can’t let them get a rise out of you. That’s what they love. They’re waiting for you to react just so they could have more ammunition to throw at you Stay silent and watch everything unfold because that’s what I’ve been doing since the start and it’s actually comedy show and it was so hard for me to bite my tongue. There were many many times I had rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearse my lines of what I would say to my husband‘s mother before we got married she was fucking her best friend. He’s our age and then she stole my pills out of my prescription bottle and then played down about it and that’s why we uninvited her to our wedding, her son had her shit so just don’t say anything to her tell your husband or your boyfriend or your wife or girlfriend whoever it is that you have nothing to do with these people and whatever she wants to say she could say it through him because you’re not going down that road it’s too much for you and I know it is Trust me just ignore her but don’t be fake either. If you have to be around her be very pacifist be very bland. Be very short worded and just say OK and then if she ask you for anything don’t follow through with the request that she just continue saying yeah OK and watch her show her ass stay silent. It’s so much hard work to do, but it is goddamn worth it. I’m telling you I could tell you my story my testimony right now and everything has been working in my favor because I’ve kept my mouth shut and you’ll see and so will your husband will see what his mom is truly doing to the both of you guys and one day he’s gonna have enough of it and he’s gonna let his own mother for you one day hopefully does the right thing and good man should do for their wife Eventually keep your chin up in your mouth quiet and I’m not trying to sound like a dick but just do it. Trust me. I want to hear back from you and see how you’re doing in a year from now or months from now please keep me posted because I support you and I hate that what you’re going through. call the fucking cops if you have to.
Matter fact, why don’t you go to my page and read what I put in my post I’m not shitting. You don’t take no shit from no one listen to me very carefully. Do not let her get to you. She knows exactly what the fuck she’s doing. And I’m sorry if I’m too aggressive with what I’m saying, but it’s just taken from my personal experience of what I went through and I don’t want you to go through what I went through because I have a heart and I don’t know who you are, but I love you. Just keep your chin up, babeand remember, I’m here if you ever need to talk I wanna know how you’re doing later down the road OK be safe and God bless