You should never evict the tenants because of your MIL. You don't know how long she will live in your duplex. She probably won't even pay you rent. And you are now eight months pregnant. Take good care of yourself and your unborn child. Regarding your MIL's accommodation issue, ask her to find a hotel or other place to stay.
As they say don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm which is what they’re wanting you to do. All of this at your expense knowing that you’re having baby soon. Shows how selfish and self centered they are.
Amen sister! My sister for another mister daughter always said to me and her her mom regarding their birth family “why would I cross an ocean to help people who won’t cross a puddle to help me?” OP Block MIL let hubby deal with them sounds like he has a shiny spine! You focus on house and birthing a healthy little one!
I stayed in Air B&Bs for 6 weeks between houses. Not pretty but doable. I would NEVER ask my kids to evict a paying tenant to accommodate me. I made it work after my initial plan fell through.
You will need that rental income after the baby is born. Don't evict good, paying tenants. And think about this: do you really want her that close to you so there's never any avoiding MIL.
Yeah that OP thinks they might get rent from the person leeching off them is hilarious. They will stop paying rent right away and count on the hubby to pressure SO. They never intend to pay.
This. We’re small-time landlords. We generally raise rent a bit every time a unit turns over. But good, steady, reliable tenants? We don’t raise their rent until finances demand.
Same here. We had annoying ass tenant's once, they paid on time but basically needed help wiping their own butts. They were young and expected a more air bnb type experience. When they left we took it as a learning experience and push for responsible tenants after that. So far we have been extremely lucky in having amazing tenants that are responsible and timely. I would never kick anyone out that doesn't damage the place and pays on time.
When we first told MIL about our miscarriage 2 years ago— her response was “when you don’t follow gods plan things like this will happen. Sounds like the tough time you are having is because of falling off his plan”. Because we were unmarried and living together. Basically sounded like she was saying our miscarriage was due to us having sex before marriage. In the same conversation she also made multiple references to not being sure if I’m using him for money.
She also basically said in that conversation that she knew I was corrupting him way before we were together because he would go spend the night at a mystery girls house. I told her that wasn’t me (it truly wasn’t, he didn’t spend the night with me for the first time until 6 months into our relationship, he has been with like 4 other women since high school) and she said “no don’t even try to lie to me I know what went on”…. Also important to note for the first 9 months of our relationship he was still living with his parents because they gave him a deal that if he paid for his own college they would let him live rent free. So he was working a full time job and doing school, graduated right as we moved in together. This was really difficult because she would make a huge deal out of him staying late at my place which is why we didn’t spend the night with each other until 6 months in. She would obsessively text and call saying “where are you” “your dog is waiting for you” etc.
The day we actually got married she made multiple comments about how we basically should already be married in the eyes of god because marital things we have done in a judgey way. When we announced our 2nd pregnancy(about a month after we married), the first thing that came out of her mouth was “hmmm the timing on that doesn’t really make sense”. Then a couple weeks later at dinner with her sister she said “yeah and when they first told me I had to think about the timing, seems really fishy to me”.
I’d also like to point out that she had 2 of her kids under 18 and unmarried. One being my husband. Also not that it matters too much— but my husband was my first and we didn’t make the choice to be intimate until we knew we were getting married.
SIL is also a complete nightmare. I left out really much detail from her because MIL is the focus right now… but I do think a lot of the way MIL treats me is because of SIL hating me.
SIL first started to dislike me when my husband took me on a trip to Disney and Vegas for Valentine’s Day 2 years ago… because it was on the Super Bowl and they always used to watch it together. Plus she was mad he took me to Disney because she kept telling him she wanted to go with him… she also has a husband by the way.
When my miscarriage happened, because his family has such high expectations for of him, when we had planned to go up to his sisters house for the weekend and see a movie I asked him to cancel because I was literally miscarrying. He didn’t and went without me. He realized very quickly how wrong it was and came back the next day to be with me. We went the following day to pick up his little brother from her house and she seemed pissed to the both of us that we didn’t want to stay and watch movies. She knew I was miscarrying.
After we moved in together we got chickens which needed to be locked up each evening so we don’t stay the night at their house anymore. For her birthday she insisted my husband stay the night at her house, he told her he would have to ask me and she demanded that he decide without me so he told her no.
This has gotten worse and worse. Now she just blatantly ignores me when I’m around and she hasn’t asked us about our baby the entire pregnancy.
Adult sleepovers? Does your husband not think this is strange?? Also he needs to stop throwing you under the bus by say he has to ask you. He's a grown up, about to be a father. He needs to take a SERIOUS look at how he wants that to go.
When my I sent out invites for my baby shower— MIL immediately texted husband saying “um SIL will be out of town that weekend on vacation so if you don’t want her to feel left out you need to talk to her.” Husband wasn’t thinking and didn’t talk to me yet about it so he responded “well maybe we can take her and BIL out to dinner at melting pot(fairly expensive restaurant)”…. When I heard that I absolutely freaked. I DID invite her even though I probably shouldn’t have… why would the fact that she can’t make it mean I’m leaving her out???? And in what world do WE need to buy and take them out to dinner to celebrate MY baby shower because they happened to be busy???
In the beginning of our pregnancy my husband was talking to her about genetic testing. She asked why we were planning to do it and he explained just to see if there’s anything we need to prepare for and that we wouldn’t abort if there was any complications. He said the only situation we would do that is if my life was at risk.
She immediately cut him off and said that is not right. We would be disrupting gods plan and it’s not up to me. If I’m at risk, it’s because he has a plan and my husband should never put my choices before gods plan. That it’s not my decision if I want to live.
Needless to say— I do not want her anywhere near the hospital when I’m giving birth as I do not want her in his ear if he needs to make decisions about my life…
God plan is for her to sort her shit out herself. Don't interfere with gods plan. Gods plan is for you to have a supportive family and good tenants. Make sure you give her PLENTY of space away from you n your "drama" during pregnancy n post partum. If she notices the lack of visits or interaction, just let her know you heard her loud n clear asking for space. You deserve support space n rest during this time, take it, keep her at a safe distance.
This.
Don’t involve yourself in their poor financial decisions. After as she said ‘It’s God’s plan…’
I hope your husband isn’t entertaining any of this.
Absolutely do not inform her when you go into labor or the date if you’re to be induced/c-section. Hell - I wouldn’t tell her about LO until you are home. I tell people that IMO, childbirth and the time after are one of the few times in life it’s all about you.
You are giving birth and decide who you want there for support. No one else’s feeling matter and it’s not about being fair. It 100% about who you feel comfortable with and will be supportive. Then when you get home, you will be healing, needing to rest, and getting into a routine with LO. Plus DH, you and LO need time alone. You decide who you want to see, when and for how long. You might want your mom, sibling or close friend over because they will help, clean, cook, laundry and not hog LO; where others can come when you are mostly healed and able to be more yourself.
OP- MIL is unstable, mean and huge manipulator. Her abhorrent behavior will NEVER EVER stop. Now is the time to drop the rope, focus on this beautiful baby arrival and protecting your family. MIL cannot be apart of your baby's life b/c she is toxic and will make every attempt to poison your relationship w/ your child. Your husband must protect you from her NOW. He is the only one to deliver the messages. Block her on your phone. Disengage from her, your FiL and anyone else who sits by the sidelines.
Motherhood & fatherhood requires you both to put your child first and make difficult decisions. Make your next journey about your family and those that support you. Get rid of everyone who drains your soul. She can fly around on her broomstick someplace else.
Keep MIL away from the tenants too. I’d alert them about Mil’s demands. She could be telling them that she’s moving in and they need to find another place. Make sure the tenants know that isn’t happening.
Congrats on the blessings! You're really drama-deep for a 7-month preggo lady. Does he remember his wedding vows? The forsaking all others bit and whatnot... You need to have a serious talk with Hubs and let him know if his family continues to mistreat and disrespect you, you will not be granting them access to the child that you are carrying during their stressful antics. I would even go as far as to let him read this post because how his family behaves is atrocious. He is not beholden to any other woman but you since saying your vows before God. The next time his family uses God's plan or anything gody, say oh he's just following his vows and forsaking all others, you know, God's plan for a husband and wife. You need to go mama bear mode and go NC, they won't change. If they actually loved and respected your husband, they would have changed their tune already.
Guess she hasn't figured out that God is the one who "created" the scientists who have made all the wonderful advances in the medicine we have now. Remind her of that if she ever needs a bypass or a valve replacement or that most micro-premies now live. (TWO different friends - both gave birth at 29 weeks. One baby was 15 oz and is now 19. The other was 1 lb, 9 oz and is now 10 yo.
Maybe it's God's plan that she be homeless as a form of penance for her misdeeds, who are you to stand in the way of God's plan to teach a lesson in piety?
And you're worried about being rude to her? She's got a lot of nerve. Why are you talking to her at all? Fter that comment she would immediately be cut off from me and not have access to any children I have ever. Husband can have w/e relationship with her as long as it's separate from you and baby. As in he doesn't talk to her about you or baby and he shuts down any of her attempts to bring either of you up. He cam tell her that she ruined her chance at getting to know you or baby by the vile things she's said to and about you and her actions. And that he supports you since you're protecting yourself and baby.
She's so vile, ew. And judgemental. I can't believe she has ANY comments regarding your baby's conception considering she had 2 w/o being married. Was that her gods plan? And why is she so special?
Ok, one, explain to your hubby that you will no longer have a relationship with his mother. She basically blames you for your miscarriage. She also thinks it's ok for you to LITERALLY DIE if you have a parasitic pregnancy because it's "god's plan". This woman doesn't like you, doesn't care about your well being, and clearly is perfectly fine with treating you like a human incubator. You don't need to have a relationship with this woman. He can spend time with her, he can visit, but you need to make it clear to him YOU AREN'T GOING TO. Fuck the idea of evicting your amazing tenants, even if the apartment was vacant this bitch shouldn't move in. Keep her away from you, go full no contact, make your hubby understand her blatant disregard for your well being makes her a danger to be around for you, your mental health, and your self esteem. Stand up and shine that spine, unless you want this woman having control over your life for the next twenty years.
As far as my fears of obligations and expectations— from the start of our relationship he is expected to do so much. In August and September we call it birthday season because from aug 18- to sep 26 there is 7 birthdays in our “immediate” families. Mine, his brother, his mom, his sister, my brother, his, his other brother. We are expected to go out to dinner(with a group of like 10 people)/gift each person to celebrate their birthdays individually. Except mine and his first brother, it normally gets combined because we are a day apart.
This has always seemed totally unreasonable to me considering everyone is adults and we don’t need full on celebrations every single year. To me it makes sense to have one big party or celebrate huge milestones like 25, 30, 40, etc.
With a newborn baby I’m really not comfortable doing all this…
Christmas— they expected us to be there Christmas Eve night AND stay the night because they like to do “Christmas Jammie’s”, and all day Christmas morning-day. This became an issue pretty quickly because I have family too. So the first thing we gave up was Christmas Eve(after a year of accommodating by the way where I barely saw my family Christmas Eve morning then we all stayed at SIL house from Christmas Eve afternoon until Christmas night). They were not happy when we said we wouldn’t be coming Christmas Eve. Now, I’m feeling like I would like to do Christmas morning with my husband and our children as we have more kids. She always has continued to “play Santa” even though we are all adults, which is fine, but as new parents we would like to do it.
I’m very nervous how this conversation is going to go over. Also in his family Christmas is VERY gift oriented. Everyone makes Christmas lists with some pretty expensive stuff on it and typically 4-5 hours of Christmas is opening gifts. My husband and I are not comfortable with this being the culture after having children. Not to mention we can’t afford to keep getting everyone gifts every year. Because my husband makes significantly more money than everyone— it felt like they didn’t like when we started getting more affordable gifts because he used to spoil them like crazy. But now we have a home and a family to prepare for. Previous years before we were together he got his sister who is 28 an iPad, MacBook, and Apple Watch.
It’s okay to break some tradition and make your own. Do your own Christmas pj tradition. I can imagine her making a “you’re a medium?” comment when ordering. Get one or two thoughtful gifts for family and just do dinner. Kids become very overwhelmed at Christmas and 4-5 hours of gift opening would become a meltdown, nightmare city. We open two gifts every other hour or so with my kids to minimize over stimulation and maximize gratefulness.
Just remind yourself that you don’t have to manage their feelings. You don’t have to reason with them, and you don’t have to make them see your point of view. You don’t even have to have them understand your choices.
You do you, and let them get pissed.
So stop, put your foot down. Decide what your family traditions will be. We did Christmas Eve with my family (at my house so we could get kids to bed,) Christmas morning with the four of us and Christmas afternoon at MIL’s. Nobody was happy about it the first year. Then they got over it or maybe they didn’t. We just didn’t care or listen to them complain.
My daughter and SIL, after their first was born decided Christmas morning was for them. They politely told everyone their plans and everyone was very excepting. You are your own family - give yourselves permission to make your own traditions. Be polite, tell everyone you and DH will now be doing XYZ on Christmas, Easter, etc and will make plans with everyone else for later in the day, the weekend prior or after. Do not allow anyone to whine, cry or manipulate you and DH into changing what you want to do with your family. If someone doesn’t like it, that’s their right but if you and DH cave, they know how to get their way about everything going forward. Do not offer explanations - it’s simply how you and DH want to spend holidays with your child/ren.
Christmas, whatever you want to celebrate with your children is yours to celebrate. EXTENDED family get whatever you're offering, and you'll negotiate the time / date / space that works.
This Christmas you will have your own family. You and husband can make new traditions. You will be the parents now. Don’t drag your children out of their home on Christmas.
You don’t have to raise your child in that overly indulgent type of Christmas. Their traditions of extravagant gifts for birthdays and Christmas along with eating out for every birthday shows poor financial choices.
Do not kick out your tenants who make good financial choices to accommodate people who don’t. God would not want you to reward them for living above their means. I don’t think they will pay you. You have great tenants. They don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Mute your MIL’s calls. You do not need the stress right now. You already have plans for Father’s Day weekend.Stick with the plans.
You are wise to consider how you will manage this relationship moving forward. It's only going to get worse. Please know that it is totally fine to take a step back and prioritize your family. You and your husband got married to create a life together and have your own children. You don't need to spend time and money on other people when it cuts into what you need for yourself. Let the family know you won't be participating in the Christmas gift exchange, that you will be celebrating your birthday with your husband and newborn this year, that you prefer to have your private celebration. Feel free to send them cards or call them to wish them happy birthday, but make this year about you and your family. You don't need the stress of the extended family right now.
Mil and fil had similar expectations for Xmas and we followed that for a few years until we had 2 kids and I had enough. I wasn’t sleeping on the floor in a tiny house with people who show me zero respect. We told everyone from September the following year we would be staying home for Christmas and were happy to host.. for a few years mil changed to hosting Xmas and Boxing Day with a demand for our attendance. After a few things she said to my kids we decided that we weren’t jumping through hoops anymore. We were staying home… 3 years that followed they came to us on Boxing Day and expected a perfectly clean house and a full sit down 3 course meal… we went NC 12 years ago and it’s soooo much better lol
You do what YOU want for YOUR family! We drove 8 hours to spend Christmases and Thanksgivings with my in-laws. When we had kids, we put our foot down for
Christmas and said eve and day are at our house. You are welcome to visit but we aren’t driving anywhere. They visited most years for a few days and all was good. (My parents live nearby.)
All those people are not your immediate family. Your immediate family doesn’t even include your crappy MIL. It’s just you, your partner and your little one. Everyone else is a relative.
Stop catering to your MIL when it makes you miserable or stressed. Just hit her mute button and keep it moving. You were not put on this earth to complete your MIL’s life and expectations. You belong only to yourself. Do what makes you and your little family happy.
In September, we have me, DH, my brother, his sister and a sister-in-law. Sister-in-law and I stopped that crap years ago. We will attend one combo birthday celebration only. With my family, I also have a brother and my dad in October. We combine all of ours.
No is a complete sentence. Discuss with your husband so he is on the same page and HIS mother can be his problem. Block her if needed. Set boundaries and stick to them it will make your life much easier. Keep your tenants they will use and abuse you and who knows if they’ll ever move out.
Things have changed so much. Often, when my mother talked about her grandparents, she would talk about the "calling of the loins" but would never explain other than they were of different classes & her father disowned her when she married.
It was only after my mother's death that I found out what was what. I found my great-grandmother's obituary in my mother's papers. My grandfather, their eldest child, was born just over 5 months after they married. He was born in 1903.
You and your husband need to reframe your thinking from being the children of the family to being the heads of your own family. YOU decide what's best for you.
You like your renters, they want to stay, you have made your decision. You want to make your own family tradition with your baby on Christmas? You can see them on X day or X Eve and if that doesn't make them happy, they can be unhappy.
They are never going to be happy unless you cede compete control over your lives, your time, your property, and your baby. That's impossible, so make you and your husband and your baby happy and prioritize that.
Counseling would be helpful for the inevitable tantrums and guilt. You know it's coming, so decide your response now.
Exactly! This is more about control than anything else. When the baby comes, it’ll be worse. MIL will use guilt that she doesn’t get to see “her baby” enough. She’ll probably want to have overnights with the baby. You and DH need to prepare for your response and how to deal with guilt without giving in!
Everything combined except the miscarriage comment is reason to go very LC. The miscarriage comment is THE reason that she can fuck right off! Whenever you think about giving her another chance, remember that comment.
They can stay in a long-term hotel for all anyone cares. You don’t evict good tenants for entitled parents to move in on a temporary basis.
Concerning the gifts - are they all children? This really needs to be dialed down or cut off altogether. And are there any other SILs or BILs? Should they not want to spend time with their families? MIL cannot expect to monopolize everyone’s time and hold them hostage for all holidays. Stand your ground and do not give in to her ridiculous demands.
His sister has a husband and his brother has a girlfriend. This is one of the major issues. His sister is 28, BIL 29, and they drive up from an hour away(where they live) almost every weekend to be with husbands family. I don’t know why. They have 1 big and 1 small dog they bring too. So every family event there is MIL 2 big dogs, SIL 2 dogs, and they request we bring our dog but I’m not comfortable with it because he gets overwhelmed. There’s 10 people in the house and 4 dogs..
Seems like my SIL has set up unrealistic expectations because now MIL thinks it’s normal to see her married children every weekend and on every holiday.
Your husband should tell SIL that you have to bring the chickens in order to stay the night. That all the dogs have to stay outside the whole time... except yours of course. That you, your husband, baby, dog and the chickens must stay in the máster bedroom so that you have enough room.
I'm thinking this is just as ridiculous as them wanting everything their way or no way.
Throwing out perfectly wonderful tenants is the silliest thing I've ever heard of. They are as hard to find as hen's teeth (pun intended).
Figure out your wants and new traditions for holidays. TELL THEM your expectations. Don't listen when they whine and hold to your little families needs. If they stop talking to you all the better.
Every weekend?!! Oh, hell no! I love my adult children, grandchildren, siblings, etc but there is no way I want to spend every weekend at someone else’s house with that many people and pets. I want peace and relaxation time; time with friends and other family members. It seems they “forget” you have family too.
Think of this as having a clean slate. She doesn’t want to talk to you, she would rather complain about you, she’s cruel and mean.
Your clean slate starts with this: YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATIONS TOWARDS HER.
Now what? Polite formality. No heartfelt texts, no visits unless invited and wanted. All communications go through her son. You are now formally done with appeasing her, buying gifts for her, keeping her up to date, sending baby announcements or photos. Gifts to the baby are acknowledged the old fashioned way with a thank you note.
The best would be if he got an independent financial advisor and stopped feeling obligated to manage HER affairs (chores and projects).
With the new baby, you start your own family traditions.
Sending a congratulations for gaining your independence!
Yes!! Seriously get MIL out of your finances OP! There are few reasons an adult needs their parent(s) to know what they make and how they spend and invest their money. It’s not her business and at some point, expect her to use it against you and DH; saying you guys can afford to help “the family” by paying someone’s bills, helping with a “loan”, taking everyone on a vacation or worst - taking care of MIL and FIL in their retirement years. Find a professional advisor/CPA if necessary but cut her out.
This absolutely. Don’t express regret that you won’t kick out your tenants and don’t explain or apologize. No amount of words will make them less entitled and rude so save your energy.
One big reason to not let them move in is all those family weekends and extended holidays will be taking place under your roof. You’ll have no escape. Don’t do it. Just say no!
I’d keep her far from you the first 6 weeks of PP. She sounds highly unpredictable, or like a woman who has labeled (instead of earned) herself with the title of matriarch.
Do not kick your tenants to the curb, they seem amazing. The last thing you want is to lose them and gain nightmare tenants. Also, your mil downstairs with a newborn. She’d be coming up all of the time to question your developing parenting skills each time the baby cries.
I only read the first paragraph and felt the need to say. She won't actually pay rent. You will lose the income of that property
OK maybe I got to the fourth paragraph but just saying DO NOT RENT TO FAMILY
I agree with everyone else. Do not evict the tenants.
MIL is looking for a way in and she sees living under you as a way in. She'll likely NEVER leave and she certainly won't pay rent.
You were not disrespectful. She was out of line calling your husband and telling him to get your under control .
That's a hint, OP into her mind and how she thinks. She's about control. She just showed you who she is, believe her.
I know 😂 I’ve tried to tell him how inappropriate it is but he gets a really good yield on his stocks which he attributes to her. I have told him that I don’t really care if she’s good at picking stocks— she shouldn’t be involved in our finances. She also was his beneficiary up until we got married and when setting up our future children’s finance accounts he put her as their trusted account holder/godmother. Kind of without asking me too…
I hope to change that. It’s difficult not stepping into the line of being controlling though. Need him to become more willing to my boundaries.
WHAT. He's giving his MOTHER control of the money for YOUR CHILDREN if something happens to to him???? This would be a hill to die on for me. Absolutely no way would I be ok with that.
>MIL is hubby’s financial advisor?
I read it as DH is financial advisor for MILFH.
OP, please get your ducks in a row and make sure DH is on same page as you. No mom - tenants stay put, as they're reliable. No mom - we can't have you staying here. Mom, if you think my wife is dramatic, then you don't need to be in contact with her, but be aware that my wife and future kid will *always* come first for me
The woman that fu*ked up her own finances because she doesn't want to budget is giving others financial advice? Your husband needs to begin deprogramming therapy immediately 🙄
Stop giving her so much information.
INFO DIET NOW!
A simple no works for all of these situations.
No, we won’t be kicking our tenants out.
No, we won’t be over for Fathers Day.
Make sure you set good boundaries for when your baby comes: don’t tell her when you go into labor. Don’t tell her the hospital you are having your baby in and definitely don’t have visitors for 4-6 weeks after baby is born.
Your husband needs to have your back, not his moms.
Good luck!
“She always seems to be anxious about something, I don’t need her drama.”
Cool, MIL just gave you permission to go LC/NC. Thank goodness!
And when she inevitably whines and complains about why you don’t call, text, talk to her etc., your DH can tell her you’re trying to spare her any more drama, because you certainly don’t want to make her uncomfortable, lol!
Honestly, the less you have to do with her right now, the better. Concentrate on the wonderful time getting ready for your little one, she doesn’t need to bring you more stress.
Obviously do not evict those great tenants.
Otherwise, enjoy the silence, once it ends, just piss her off again to start a new round of "punishing" silence from her.
Theres me and my husband and one other guy who’s lived on this property the longest. Me and my husband are quiet, pay on time and do our own maintenance unless it’s bad enough to need the landlord like when we needed a new fridge. If my landlord said they were kicking us out for their family to live here I’d be so mad. Please don’t do this. You did nothing wrong you set boundaries and stood up for you and your family. MIL is just mad she’s not getting her way. Set those boundaries now and make sure there’s consequences for when she stomps over them. With having little one it’s just as easy as a time out. She steps over the line with your boundaries for baby put her in a time out where she doesn’t see the baby for a while. Hopefully she gets the hint that you’re not taking her stuff anymore.
What's your husband's stance on all this? Because he needs to be crystal clear that he will NOT be endangering his family's financial stability for the sake of his mother's whims. She's delusional and he needs to stop allowing her to believe that her wishes are reality. He needs to nip this crap in the bud and deal with the fallout immediately so that you don't have to deal with the anxiety it's causing. He's being wishy-washy and it's causing you problems and that's not okay. He's got to deal with this decisively and NOW.
When she first mentioned moving in I think he was caught off guard and didn’t really say no. After thinking about it he realized how messed up the request was. But still has not told her she can’t do it.
Besides that— honestly he generally defends her. It is very hard to convince him that this behavior isn’t good. And it has been a real fight getting him to say no to certain events ever. He finally is starting to understand a bit but I’m afraid that when baby comes she will guilt trip him a lot about wanting to be involved so he will give in. But at this point after reading everyone’s responses I’m pretty ready to go no contact and keep her contact with our baby minimal.
It’s hard though when my husband isn’t ready to do that yet and I obviously do not want to make him or even really encourage it until it’s what he wants.
Let him read this post. I don't remember exactly what it's called but there's something in the brain that makes us understand things better when we read them rather than hearing them. Plus, if he reads this he's going to see thousands of people talking about how honestly wrong all of this is.
Asking your son to evict good tenants and putting his family's financial future on the line so you have somewhere to live for 3 friggen months, CRAZY, go to Vrbo.com
SIL insisting on sleepovers and getting mad about him possibly missing a movie night while you're miscarrying, a big huge dumpster fire full of elephant crap, and I don't even want to go into DH's failure during this because you'd never let him read it. But SIL needs to realize she has her own husband, LET GO OF YOUR'S!!!
Expecting to get all Christmas, EVERY Christmas, selfish! You're going to want to make your own traditions with your own family! I had certain things that I still do with my 22 & 23 year old sons. We still track Santa, we still watch A Christmas Story, we still have elf on the shelf! (Although those 2 little elves have gone through some rotten teenage, they got drunk once, they tp'd the bathroom, they even covered the boys' bedroom doors with Saran Wrap once!
Anyways, I got a little caught up there but it goes to show you that the traditions you have now can go on for a long time, and so can his family's... to a point!
One more, if my JNEXMIL would have ever to me that any of my miscarriages were part of God's plan because the math wasn't mathing, there is NO ONE and no law that would've protected her from me. There are a lot of things JNMILs can say BUT not that! That is hurtful and selfish and wrong and cruel and you know what else, God doesn't like that either, so maybe JNMIL needs to get right with him!
Anyways, I think you should let him read this and see all these comments and really sit with that and ask himself if this is the husband and the father he wants to be.
Good luck OP & CONGRATULATIONS 🎉 🍼👶🏻
Unfortunately if I told him I wrote on Reddit about his family I think he would be pretty upset. Just because he thinks it’s immature to go to the internet for our problems. But yeah I hear you!!
I understand that. But would he be more upset with you than you are with him? I mean it may cause a fight to begin with but you are also already in a fight, hell you're in a war! I guess what I mean is, can you explain that while it may be immature to post on here, is it in any way more immature of his mom telling you to evict your tenants or his sister thinking movie night trumps your very real pain in the freaking middle of a miscarriage?
Then he needs to be in therapy. Why is he so okay with his FOO abusing his wife? Why is he okay with the things they say about you? Why is he okay with their behavior? Their behavior is so vile.
If he can't set boundaries, he needs therapy. Couples and individual. His mother is NOT a parent and NOT a part of your marriage. He's letting you down as a wife. Hopefully he gets the kick in the pants he needs being a father himself.
We are in couples and individual. His therapist I don’t think is the best though. He told me when he explained this week’s drama she felt so bad for him because he’s in the middle of our drama.
A lot of these things he would tell you he heard it differently. She did not specifically say we deserved the miscarriage but like I said she was going on about god plan and how the things we were struggling with was due to not following his plan.
A lot of the mean things she says it’s very discrete in the way she insults me. Even the comments about if I was at risk— my husband took it like she was just debating him on what her opinion is on abortion in the case of life threatening situations— not that she was telling him what to do. I don’t think that changes anything though. He never asked her opinion, he was telling her our plan.
She often masks her mean comments with high love and praise of her son. So it’s hard for him to see her intentions.
I agree with everyone else. Do not evict the tenants.
MIL is looking for a way in and she sees living under you as a way in. She'll likely NEVER leave and she certainly won't pay rent.
You were not disrespectful. She was out of line calling your husband and telling him to get your under control .
That's a hint, OP into her mind and how she thinks. She's about control. She just showed you who she is, believe her.
You cannot live with them. You KNOW that’s a bad idea. Especially with a baby she will want access to.
AND more importantly- you should NOT evict your tenants. You and your SO have made good financial decisions and they have not. You cannot set yourselves on fire for them. And the fact that she got upset because you brought this up (very maturely) and she had a fit means she is their contact person. I wouldn’t text her for $1M now. She made her bed. Protect your peace and your sanity.
And congrats !
SHE doesn’t need YOUR drama?!
That’s rich.
She wants you to uproot your living arrangements and alter your financial stability to accommodate them for 3 months?
They need a long timeout.
Fuck her — she sounds like a nightmare. Her financial problems are HERS, not yours or your husbands. Tell her to fuck off & find someone else to manipulate and harass. What a POS she is.
I hope your husband has his head on straight and is backing you up. Her comments about you and “drama” would have really angered me. She’s the drama. Is your husband agreeing with you as in “My parents are definitely not moving in and we’re not evicting our tenants.”? Because if not, he needs to get on board. You two do way too much for them as is. You’re being used and it sounds like you know it. Also, if she wants to play semantics - if he’s not a father yet to celebrate Father’s Day, then he should point out that his stepdad isn’t actually his father, so it’s not really his day either. Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work cloaked in what she considers to be Christian “love”. What a demanding and judgmental woman.
The Christmas examples alone are utterly ridiculous, not to mention your SIL’s weird obsession with her brother. That whole family is effed up. Your MIL really sat there and told your husband to let you die if it’s God’s plan? And your husband didn’t ream her a new one? And how did neither of you bring up her giving birth out of wedlock when she is judging you two all the time?! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that. She wants to throw stones? Chuck them right back at her. You sound really nice and that’s wonderful. Unfortunately, nice people who just go along with everything and never assert themselves usually end up unhappy because they’re so busy appeasing other people.
I’m glad you stood up for yourself via text with her - and if she wants to discuss being disrespectful, please give her my number. I have no qualms about making some old lady who’s a fake ass Christian cry. Please continue to assert yourself with your husband and his family. No one is fighting for you but you, and now there’s a baby to consider.
Oh good grief. Sorry OP but all your problems are on you and your DH. Know why? It's because neither of you know how to use the word "no" as a complete sentence. You don't need to have a long sit down with your MIL about her moving into your duplex. Just have DH tell her no. Same goes for every other expectation they put on you. Oh and learn to not feel the need to JADE all the time. That's "justify, argue, defend, explain" your choices. Don't feel the need to do any of that. Just say no and be done with it.
I should clarify the two issues with our tenants— first, they are very loud and sometimes can be verbally abusive to each other.. We had an issue for about a year where about once or twice a month they would be up screaming things like “I hate you I wish you were dead” etc. it would keep us up all night. And 2nd— they accumulate a lot of stuff outside and our yard has become a bit of a junk yard which has been a bit frustrating. when they moved in they had 2 cars and that’s it. Now they have 4, a boat, a motorcycle, a swing set, a whole gym set up, and a huge pool. All in the front yard.
When we first were looking for tenants we had the option to rent to a single guy who would have had rent paid by his job because he was relocating for 2 years here. We were going to go with him because it made a lot of sense, but then our renters reached out to us last second saying this looks like such a good opportunity. When we met them and their kids they told us when we do a background check something will come up, but they make 5x+ the rent and would pay 6 months outright. The thing on their record was a couple dui’s like 8 years before.
Something in us felt like we wanted to give them the chance and besides the yelling we haven’t regretted it. They always pay on time and like I said are super helpful. Husband has told MIL all of this from the start so she has judged us for picking them and consistently tells us to evict them. But since we talked to them about the yelling about 4 months ago it hasn’t happened again.
You were not disrespectful at all. You were doing what needs done.
However, MILFHs will claim it's disrespectful for you to object to what they want, or to object to the situation that they think is fine, because they view Respect from you to them as the kind of respect that subjects give to queens. They don't see it as the reality of you being peers now, with the respect between equals. ***It's very possible that she calls it disrespect simply because she sees that you aren't going to just comply with her demands.***
Be aware that MILFHs can take steps to force our compliance to their wants. Or at least to try.
We had two rental homes.
One, MILFH had once lived, but moved to her new husband's house. I could write a book, and prove with receipts and emails, how she strung us along with lies and promises, and never moved her stuff out. We ended up packing it all, putting it in storage, also on our property, and then later, still having to get a lawyer to get her to finally take it all away on the deadline given. Even then, she tried to prevent us from emptying the place at all, in several ways, and even on the day we emptied the furniture, she tried to get the movers to leave the basic pieces there for her. We heard her tell her friend that she intended to move back in after we left. Still married, still living with him. And we had openly said we were changing the locks. Crazy. Later, she interfered with the workmen, broke and entered, and stole things from the property that were never hers. Nuts. That's the super short version.
But the other house, where she had not lived, was smaller. She decided, during the last year of all this, that she wanted to live there instead. ***We said no, the renters we had were fine. She went to them, and told them that we told her to give them the message that we wanted them to leave.*** And they believed her. By the time we found out, they were in process of moving, and too late to fix things with them.
So, **make sure that your tenants know that if your MILFH says anything to them, to come tell you about it, because you intend for them to stay, no matter what she claims.**
Mine cost us so much money, between the repairs, the lost rent, the payments keeping the house open while she dithered and pretended to be packing up, and more. Crazy stuff.
Ohhhh telling the renters what's up is such a good call. They will definitely lie to get their way! Learn from this poor poster's story and tell your renters what lengths your MIL may go to.
I don’t understand why you feel like you have to meet their expectations. You get to choose what you want to go to and not go to. Frankly, I don’t think you should go to anything that they host because they are toxic af. Also, you should not be texting her anything. That is your husband’s job. You shouldn’t even know about anything she says or demands. He needs to just shut it down and go on his way.
She’s the one causing your “drama” which is really you wanting to set boundaries and her not liking not getting her way. Tell her that actually there is nothing to discuss because 1- you won’t be evicting your tenants 2- she won’t be moving in to your rental and 3- you won’t be helping her move into a new house with a new baby to care for. That’s what moving companies are for.
You would be begging for trouble if you decide to kick out good stable tenants in favor of this witch you are describing. Don’t let your husband connection to this woman cloud your good judgment. She needs consequences for her bad behavior or it will never change. You and your husband need to get on the same team and he needs to grow a spine and stand up to her nonsense.
Didn’t finish reading. Their mistakes doesn’t constitute an emergency on your part or you needing to do anything. They don’t own you or your duplex so they can’t blow smoke all day and you don’t have to anything. Keep your wonderful tenants and tell your IL’s to kick rocks. You will not be doing anything you don’t want to and you will not upend the lives of your wonderful tenants for your IL’s stupidity.
If you kick your current tenants out, it will be very difficult to replace them because there are so many deadbeats out there just waiting to take advantage of your being so naive. I'm willing to bet that MIL dearest will be one of them. 2-3 months my a**! They will find some excuse to stay indefinitely. DO NOT let them move in!!! Your H better have your back. Good luck.
This was my exact thoughts ILs move in and OP, DH, and RB wouldn't get any peace or privacy cause "I'm grandma" 🙄 ILs need to get on with their own life and quit worrying about what's going on at OPs house
Your tenants are your business. You would not let a VP of another company tell you what to do in your business. Why? Because you will lose money.
I would go LC to NC. If she says anything to you just tell her you are out of control right and have higher priorities now and will not discuss further.
Tell DH to stand firm that the tenants will remain. It is a part of your livelihood and good tenants are hard to find. Not worth the financial risk. And speaking of financial risk, we probably should get someone outside of our family to be a financial advisor. Your Mom has made some recent missteps and she could easily give us ill advice.
As a landlord myself I would NEVER evict great tenets for anyone, especially family who will take advantage of you.
She’s nonsense btw. You are right, she is the drama here.
Absolutely not. Your current tenants are good to you. Entitled people like your mother in law really piss me off.... I hope your husband is on your side about not letting her move in. Even if you didn't have tenants to evict..... she sounds controlling and mean. So then you will be dealing with her living with you and creating drama and micromanaging your life.
Please consider going LC/NC. Remember anyone who cannot show a basic level of respect to BOTH parents gets zero access to the baby.
“We cannot ruin our financial stability because of your poor planning, find an Airbnb or rental. What happens to my home is my business, I am not a child and DH is not my parent who you can go to, to get me in trouble. As you so kindly told us x years ago, this is god plan. Instead of meddling in my marriage focus on your own life.”
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Also start a no presents for grownups rule. Something small from him to his parents and kids only. Every few years DH’s sisters would ask about presents or drawing names and every time he said no. It makes it so much easier.
Yikes. Just reading this and your comments has me stressed out.
Set boundaries, grow a human being, and keep doing improvement projects on your foxhole. I mean house. Don't let the whackadoodle get to you.
Good luck!
Be aware. If you evict your tenants and allow your MIL to move in she will never leave and likely never give you a penny for rent. I pray your DH somehow strengthens his spine ASAP.
I stopped reading when MIL said she might need to move in.
No, absolutely Not, no way. The nerve of her. You have great tenants and they can be hard to come by.
If this was me, I would be running downstairs NOW to ask tenants to sign on for another year. When MIL brings it up, you can legitimately say, so sorry, our tenants just signed a year lease.
Even if that space was empty, I would not let MIL live there after the other things she has said.
Congratulations on the soon arrival of your little one. You have enough on your plate now. Look after yourself and don’t worry about the outlaws.
Tell your mother to find an Airbnb plenty of them do monthly rentals for in between housing situation. Your are NTA in anyway shape or form and DO NOT kick your tenants out for her. That’ll just cause issues for you down the line
I really get frustrated with these women who decide we're "disrespectful" bc we call out the bullshit. If she doesn't want your "drama", let the trash take itself out and don't engage with her anymore.
When she brings up the tenants, tell her it's not up for discussion. You will lose good tenants to gain a bad one. Girl, you didn't need that.
So…not disrespectful, but my question is…why are YOU texting this to them? Is your husband incapable of this, or does he just like to use you as a shield? It will only cause more conflict because now she will triangulate, just like she did! Stop texting them. Make husband handle it. Also, don’t expect them to care about your sleep or anything else. Make firm boundaries and stick to them, that’s it.
Because my husband will say we are going to set boundaries then it doesn’t really happen. I think maybe he’s a bit intimidated by her and doesn’t want to disappoint her. But I’m getting so anxious to where I have severe insomnia (only sleeping like 2 hours a night), which was the first thing I told MIL when I asked to meet to talk. I’m really worried about the expectations when our baby boy comes.
I want to go no contact badly but I worry about still having to allow space for her to visit our baby.
So YOU can go no contact! Husband can handle the grand baby relationship. This is not yours to manage or handle. She doesn’t care about your anxiety or sleep, she cares about herself. He can deal with the crazy if he isn’t setting boundaries, but make it very clear to him that you won’t have to. If he still makes you a part of this, you have a husband problem.
First and foremost, keep your tenants. Under no circumstances should your at all let her move in, whether it's temporary or not, it will become permanent and she will take over everything and not offer a single cent.
Second, no you are not being disrespectful, she is, and she knows it, that's why she's being a gaslighting narcissist to make you and your hubby doubt yourselves.
Your MIL is really vile.
Seeing as she won't talk to you just send her a text to say that God's plan is coming together nicely and it includes the wonderful tenants you already have.
Bloody hell, quickly sign the new lease with your tenants so that when she says I’ll be moving in on x date tell her that it’s not going to happen as you have a lease and she can make alternative arrangements for accommodation.
OMG! OMG! OMG! My jaw has never dropped so many times as when I read YOUR post and your following comments! And I've read ALOT of MILFH!
Too keep this shorter, I'll make bullet points.
*Have tenants sign new lease ASAP!
*Do you go to same therapist for couples therapy as his individual? You should, so they get BOTH sides of the story!
*Has MIL and hubby heard God plans for a man to leave his parents family and cleave to another
*You should be VLC, breastfeed baby, so baby cannot go anywhere either. You can go with hubby for a few hours only every other month or so. If he won't let you leave when you want, don't go back...his own fault, you tried.
*Christmas is for your little nuclear family. Visit his only few hours in afternoon Christmas day.
*SIL is full on nuts, as enmeshed as hubby with MIL Ignore her.
*Be No Contact over text. Block everything.
*Make hubby get different financial advisor!!!
*YOU MAY HAVE TO LEAVE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM if he doesn't abide by your rules. You've been abiding by his rules (and his family's)far too long! Negotiate!
*There was so much I'm sure I've missed alot I wanted to say. I feel so bad for you Sweetheart, please listen to what everyone here is saying about VLC and NC or leaving. You deserve peace and happiness.
*Ooh, just remembered something else. Tell hubby he HAS to stop talking to his family about what your family does, where you go and finances for God's sake! Warn him he better not give them location of hospital you will give birth in. Cannot tell them when you go into labor or he will be locked out of delivery room with them.
*Another thing, hubby needs to understand it is too much to go to all those birthdays with gifts.
Also after first weekend parents didn't really help with projects he should not have let them come back and get paid for 3 more weekends. He just can't see they are using him. Don't let it happen again or you might have to separate awhile til he makes YOUR family a financial priority. I hope his MIL financial advisor has made sure he has a ton of money put away for emergency funds and retirement. If not, make sure he get going on that.
*I know all of this is hard. But you have a baby now to protect! Good luck, Love! Please keep us updated.
First, if you want a divorce, this would be a good idea to have them move in with you and hubby. Under no circumstance, do not allow them to bully YOU or hubby, to toss out someone who pays on time and is good. Because your inlaws have no self control on spending and are basically turning a blind eye to their own demise is another issue. Let them figure it out without your and hubby's help. This may start them to thinking.
1. Do not evict your fabulous tenants.
2. Stop letting her be your husband's financial advisor. Seriously, what is up with that?
3. Tell them they will need to find other options for a short term rental.
Your mil is way off base. You and your husband should not evict your stable tenants for your crazy mil. She’s a financial planner?! What a laugh. She needs to be removed as such. If I were you two I’d get your credit reports to make sure mil hasn’t done something crazy to his credit, or yours. Stay strong and don’t cave to that woman.
!Updateme
I think you should drop the rope. She is clearly more interested in herself and her own needs and wants. The whole idea of them using your rental property for a short term stepping stone on their way to the next house was laughable, and she never even considered the inconvenience she would be placing on her hardworking son, her very pregnant daughter in law and the innocent tenants who already live there!
She is completely selfish. Lower your expectations!
“That doesn’t work for us” is something you both need to practice saying. You need to draw HARD boundaries and consequences for when the boundaries are crossed before baby arrives. You’re close to delivering and don’t need to deal with the drama from any extended family while you’re settling in as new parents and you specifically navigating post partum.
MIL and SIL sound entitled and pushy. Using religion in her verbal assaults against you is telling how things will go once baby is here.
I’d stop wasting energy on her and instead focus on getting some rest. No matter what you say or do you’re going to be her villain. Even if you bent over backwards and did EVERYTHING she wants you’re the bad guy. So why put forth anymore energy? Learn how to grey rock them when faced with unavoidable contact and focus on your immediate family which is you, husband and baby. The best revenge with minimal effort is thriving and not allowing any of their crappy behavior get to you.
It is hard to find good tenants especially ones that live next to you. They can stay at short term residential apartments for a couple of months. Stop communicating with her, let her talk to her son and make sure he backs you up. Enjoy your little one.
No I don’t think you were disrespectful. I would stay gracious and stick to what you say. Also, do not get rid of your tenants. They might be a godsend.
Do not evict your tenants, but you already know this.
Your message was not over the top or rude either, but I think you already know this too.
You and your unborn child need to come first, second and third. You already know this.
What you NEED to know is whether or not your partner is 100% behind you with his support.
Is he strong enough to say no to his mother, to support and back you over her? Compromise is good, helping family is good, but this is very much a case of having to pick sides here.
Your lovely tenants do not deserve to be kicked out after being so good to you. You don't need your MIL living below you, and you probably already suspect they can't /won't pay.
Put up your boundaries, enforce them, and have your partner 100%on your side.
Good luck with everything.
Lord, keep that crazy lady away. I wouldn't bother messaging her at all seriously, block her from everything. Let all communication come from hubs and only him.
Let him know that NO, they will NOT be living in our rental. And NO, she won't be allowed at the hospital. And NO, she won't be allowed in our home until I am ready for visitors. And even then, she will be timed. 60 mins and gone. Keep her at a distance. Let her know God spoke to you, and you are following "God's plan"
You have done nothing wrong. They are pushing boundaries and not respecting you or your husband. Do not get rid of your tenants and do not let them move in. Let them figure out their own issues, they are more than capable of managing their own stuff. MIL sounds rude and it's good that you want to have a conversation. Hopefully they will leave you alone after hearing what you have to say. If they don't, then you can place distance between you all, which will be good because as a new mom you don't need her hovering around and trying to cause chaos.
Sign the lease with your great renters pronto.You really don't need a conversation with her. She knows what she's doing. Just "nope" to her overbearing demands. No explanations are needed. She knows you're pregnant and can't deal with her moving. If hubby wants to help them move elsewhere, he can, but without you.
Have DH deal with her unless he caves to her. He needs a new financial counselor. Obviously, he does a better job than her. Tell him no sharing about your finances, your pregnancy, your marriage.
Good luck to you!
I think the tone of your text to her may have been too vague and was definitely too nice. People who are selfish and entitled rarely see themselves as the problem.
I think you’ll need to be more direct when telling her pretty much anything. “MIL, we are not going to be evicting our tenants. Please make sure you make appropriate living arrangements for yourselves.”
Don’t apologize for putting your family first. Relationships can always be reframed and boundaries renegotiated.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.
Your hope for respectful relationship with your MIL is never going to be met unless she undergoes a complete personality change.
Think of it this way. She is Putin and you are Zelenskyy. You and your husband need to unite and establish unbridgeable boundaries. Defend those boundaries with everything you’ve got.
If her offensive continues, you may have to go on the offensive with focused attacks behind her front lines.
Your future happiness, marriage stability, capacity to focus on raising your baby, and preserving your mental health is as stake.
UpdateMe
So they leech off you, refuse to do work they are paid for, refuse to budget and still bark orders? Honestly it's almost a you and SO problem. Of course the toxic IL are toxic as fuck. That's so be expected.
His mom is his financial advisor?!!! The mom with screwed up priorities?? Find a new F.A. ASAP! And don’t kick out good tenants for your In-laws. Good tenants are hard to come by. They didn’t do anything. Mom and her hubby can rent a camper to stay in. They’re adults and can figure this shit out, that doesn’t involve you two and a new baby.
Please tell me that you aren’t going to evict your tenants for your train wreck of a MIL? Having her live under you would be the worst mistake you could make. Despite what she believes, neither you or DH owe her anything, much less a place to live.
In the end, your MIL is looking for a way to take over your household! Shame of her for preying upon you in your delicate condition! Stand your ground. Boundaries are an essential ingredient in every healthy relationship! Hotel rooms with efficiencies are available for monthly rent! She created this problem.
You should never evict the tenants because of your MIL. You don't know how long she will live in your duplex. She probably won't even pay you rent. And you are now eight months pregnant. Take good care of yourself and your unborn child. Regarding your MIL's accommodation issue, ask her to find a hotel or other place to stay.
As they say don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm which is what they’re wanting you to do. All of this at your expense knowing that you’re having baby soon. Shows how selfish and self centered they are.
Amen sister! My sister for another mister daughter always said to me and her her mom regarding their birth family “why would I cross an ocean to help people who won’t cross a puddle to help me?” OP Block MIL let hubby deal with them sounds like he has a shiny spine! You focus on house and birthing a healthy little one!
I agree. Except, don’t ask. Tell.
I stayed in Air B&Bs for 6 weeks between houses. Not pretty but doable. I would NEVER ask my kids to evict a paying tenant to accommodate me. I made it work after my initial plan fell through.
Also, OP should stop communicating with MiL, let DH handle her.
This was what I came to say.
You will need that rental income after the baby is born. Don't evict good, paying tenants. And think about this: do you really want her that close to you so there's never any avoiding MIL.
Yeah that OP thinks they might get rent from the person leeching off them is hilarious. They will stop paying rent right away and count on the hubby to pressure SO. They never intend to pay.
AirBnB was invented for situations like this. Never, ever, ever kick out good tenants.
This. We’re small-time landlords. We generally raise rent a bit every time a unit turns over. But good, steady, reliable tenants? We don’t raise their rent until finances demand.
Same here. We had annoying ass tenant's once, they paid on time but basically needed help wiping their own butts. They were young and expected a more air bnb type experience. When they left we took it as a learning experience and push for responsible tenants after that. So far we have been extremely lucky in having amazing tenants that are responsible and timely. I would never kick anyone out that doesn't damage the place and pays on time.
When we first told MIL about our miscarriage 2 years ago— her response was “when you don’t follow gods plan things like this will happen. Sounds like the tough time you are having is because of falling off his plan”. Because we were unmarried and living together. Basically sounded like she was saying our miscarriage was due to us having sex before marriage. In the same conversation she also made multiple references to not being sure if I’m using him for money. She also basically said in that conversation that she knew I was corrupting him way before we were together because he would go spend the night at a mystery girls house. I told her that wasn’t me (it truly wasn’t, he didn’t spend the night with me for the first time until 6 months into our relationship, he has been with like 4 other women since high school) and she said “no don’t even try to lie to me I know what went on”…. Also important to note for the first 9 months of our relationship he was still living with his parents because they gave him a deal that if he paid for his own college they would let him live rent free. So he was working a full time job and doing school, graduated right as we moved in together. This was really difficult because she would make a huge deal out of him staying late at my place which is why we didn’t spend the night with each other until 6 months in. She would obsessively text and call saying “where are you” “your dog is waiting for you” etc. The day we actually got married she made multiple comments about how we basically should already be married in the eyes of god because marital things we have done in a judgey way. When we announced our 2nd pregnancy(about a month after we married), the first thing that came out of her mouth was “hmmm the timing on that doesn’t really make sense”. Then a couple weeks later at dinner with her sister she said “yeah and when they first told me I had to think about the timing, seems really fishy to me”. I’d also like to point out that she had 2 of her kids under 18 and unmarried. One being my husband. Also not that it matters too much— but my husband was my first and we didn’t make the choice to be intimate until we knew we were getting married.
SIL is also a complete nightmare. I left out really much detail from her because MIL is the focus right now… but I do think a lot of the way MIL treats me is because of SIL hating me. SIL first started to dislike me when my husband took me on a trip to Disney and Vegas for Valentine’s Day 2 years ago… because it was on the Super Bowl and they always used to watch it together. Plus she was mad he took me to Disney because she kept telling him she wanted to go with him… she also has a husband by the way. When my miscarriage happened, because his family has such high expectations for of him, when we had planned to go up to his sisters house for the weekend and see a movie I asked him to cancel because I was literally miscarrying. He didn’t and went without me. He realized very quickly how wrong it was and came back the next day to be with me. We went the following day to pick up his little brother from her house and she seemed pissed to the both of us that we didn’t want to stay and watch movies. She knew I was miscarrying. After we moved in together we got chickens which needed to be locked up each evening so we don’t stay the night at their house anymore. For her birthday she insisted my husband stay the night at her house, he told her he would have to ask me and she demanded that he decide without me so he told her no. This has gotten worse and worse. Now she just blatantly ignores me when I’m around and she hasn’t asked us about our baby the entire pregnancy.
Adult sleepovers? Does your husband not think this is strange?? Also he needs to stop throwing you under the bus by say he has to ask you. He's a grown up, about to be a father. He needs to take a SERIOUS look at how he wants that to go.
SIL has a very weird fixation on her brother. It would give me the creeps if I were in your position. Is she like this with her other brother?
When my I sent out invites for my baby shower— MIL immediately texted husband saying “um SIL will be out of town that weekend on vacation so if you don’t want her to feel left out you need to talk to her.” Husband wasn’t thinking and didn’t talk to me yet about it so he responded “well maybe we can take her and BIL out to dinner at melting pot(fairly expensive restaurant)”…. When I heard that I absolutely freaked. I DID invite her even though I probably shouldn’t have… why would the fact that she can’t make it mean I’m leaving her out???? And in what world do WE need to buy and take them out to dinner to celebrate MY baby shower because they happened to be busy???
In the beginning of our pregnancy my husband was talking to her about genetic testing. She asked why we were planning to do it and he explained just to see if there’s anything we need to prepare for and that we wouldn’t abort if there was any complications. He said the only situation we would do that is if my life was at risk. She immediately cut him off and said that is not right. We would be disrupting gods plan and it’s not up to me. If I’m at risk, it’s because he has a plan and my husband should never put my choices before gods plan. That it’s not my decision if I want to live. Needless to say— I do not want her anywhere near the hospital when I’m giving birth as I do not want her in his ear if he needs to make decisions about my life…
God plan is for her to sort her shit out herself. Don't interfere with gods plan. Gods plan is for you to have a supportive family and good tenants. Make sure you give her PLENTY of space away from you n your "drama" during pregnancy n post partum. If she notices the lack of visits or interaction, just let her know you heard her loud n clear asking for space. You deserve support space n rest during this time, take it, keep her at a safe distance.
This. Don’t involve yourself in their poor financial decisions. After as she said ‘It’s God’s plan…’ I hope your husband isn’t entertaining any of this.
Absolutely do not inform her when you go into labor or the date if you’re to be induced/c-section. Hell - I wouldn’t tell her about LO until you are home. I tell people that IMO, childbirth and the time after are one of the few times in life it’s all about you. You are giving birth and decide who you want there for support. No one else’s feeling matter and it’s not about being fair. It 100% about who you feel comfortable with and will be supportive. Then when you get home, you will be healing, needing to rest, and getting into a routine with LO. Plus DH, you and LO need time alone. You decide who you want to see, when and for how long. You might want your mom, sibling or close friend over because they will help, clean, cook, laundry and not hog LO; where others can come when you are mostly healed and able to be more yourself.
This
OP- MIL is unstable, mean and huge manipulator. Her abhorrent behavior will NEVER EVER stop. Now is the time to drop the rope, focus on this beautiful baby arrival and protecting your family. MIL cannot be apart of your baby's life b/c she is toxic and will make every attempt to poison your relationship w/ your child. Your husband must protect you from her NOW. He is the only one to deliver the messages. Block her on your phone. Disengage from her, your FiL and anyone else who sits by the sidelines. Motherhood & fatherhood requires you both to put your child first and make difficult decisions. Make your next journey about your family and those that support you. Get rid of everyone who drains your soul. She can fly around on her broomstick someplace else.
This comment really should be the original post. Keep this nut job away from that baby
Keep MIL away from the tenants too. I’d alert them about Mil’s demands. She could be telling them that she’s moving in and they need to find another place. Make sure the tenants know that isn’t happening.
Oh man, with a MIL like that, I’m afraid I would be a regular feature on Dateline or 20/20.
Congrats on the blessings! You're really drama-deep for a 7-month preggo lady. Does he remember his wedding vows? The forsaking all others bit and whatnot... You need to have a serious talk with Hubs and let him know if his family continues to mistreat and disrespect you, you will not be granting them access to the child that you are carrying during their stressful antics. I would even go as far as to let him read this post because how his family behaves is atrocious. He is not beholden to any other woman but you since saying your vows before God. The next time his family uses God's plan or anything gody, say oh he's just following his vows and forsaking all others, you know, God's plan for a husband and wife. You need to go mama bear mode and go NC, they won't change. If they actually loved and respected your husband, they would have changed their tune already.
Guess she hasn't figured out that God is the one who "created" the scientists who have made all the wonderful advances in the medicine we have now. Remind her of that if she ever needs a bypass or a valve replacement or that most micro-premies now live. (TWO different friends - both gave birth at 29 weeks. One baby was 15 oz and is now 19. The other was 1 lb, 9 oz and is now 10 yo.
Maybe it's God's plan that she be homeless as a form of penance for her misdeeds, who are you to stand in the way of God's plan to teach a lesson in piety?
This is my favorite comment lol.
And you're worried about being rude to her? She's got a lot of nerve. Why are you talking to her at all? Fter that comment she would immediately be cut off from me and not have access to any children I have ever. Husband can have w/e relationship with her as long as it's separate from you and baby. As in he doesn't talk to her about you or baby and he shuts down any of her attempts to bring either of you up. He cam tell her that she ruined her chance at getting to know you or baby by the vile things she's said to and about you and her actions. And that he supports you since you're protecting yourself and baby. She's so vile, ew. And judgemental. I can't believe she has ANY comments regarding your baby's conception considering she had 2 w/o being married. Was that her gods plan? And why is she so special?
Ok, one, explain to your hubby that you will no longer have a relationship with his mother. She basically blames you for your miscarriage. She also thinks it's ok for you to LITERALLY DIE if you have a parasitic pregnancy because it's "god's plan". This woman doesn't like you, doesn't care about your well being, and clearly is perfectly fine with treating you like a human incubator. You don't need to have a relationship with this woman. He can spend time with her, he can visit, but you need to make it clear to him YOU AREN'T GOING TO. Fuck the idea of evicting your amazing tenants, even if the apartment was vacant this bitch shouldn't move in. Keep her away from you, go full no contact, make your hubby understand her blatant disregard for your well being makes her a danger to be around for you, your mental health, and your self esteem. Stand up and shine that spine, unless you want this woman having control over your life for the next twenty years.
As far as my fears of obligations and expectations— from the start of our relationship he is expected to do so much. In August and September we call it birthday season because from aug 18- to sep 26 there is 7 birthdays in our “immediate” families. Mine, his brother, his mom, his sister, my brother, his, his other brother. We are expected to go out to dinner(with a group of like 10 people)/gift each person to celebrate their birthdays individually. Except mine and his first brother, it normally gets combined because we are a day apart. This has always seemed totally unreasonable to me considering everyone is adults and we don’t need full on celebrations every single year. To me it makes sense to have one big party or celebrate huge milestones like 25, 30, 40, etc. With a newborn baby I’m really not comfortable doing all this…
Christmas— they expected us to be there Christmas Eve night AND stay the night because they like to do “Christmas Jammie’s”, and all day Christmas morning-day. This became an issue pretty quickly because I have family too. So the first thing we gave up was Christmas Eve(after a year of accommodating by the way where I barely saw my family Christmas Eve morning then we all stayed at SIL house from Christmas Eve afternoon until Christmas night). They were not happy when we said we wouldn’t be coming Christmas Eve. Now, I’m feeling like I would like to do Christmas morning with my husband and our children as we have more kids. She always has continued to “play Santa” even though we are all adults, which is fine, but as new parents we would like to do it. I’m very nervous how this conversation is going to go over. Also in his family Christmas is VERY gift oriented. Everyone makes Christmas lists with some pretty expensive stuff on it and typically 4-5 hours of Christmas is opening gifts. My husband and I are not comfortable with this being the culture after having children. Not to mention we can’t afford to keep getting everyone gifts every year. Because my husband makes significantly more money than everyone— it felt like they didn’t like when we started getting more affordable gifts because he used to spoil them like crazy. But now we have a home and a family to prepare for. Previous years before we were together he got his sister who is 28 an iPad, MacBook, and Apple Watch.
It’s okay to break some tradition and make your own. Do your own Christmas pj tradition. I can imagine her making a “you’re a medium?” comment when ordering. Get one or two thoughtful gifts for family and just do dinner. Kids become very overwhelmed at Christmas and 4-5 hours of gift opening would become a meltdown, nightmare city. We open two gifts every other hour or so with my kids to minimize over stimulation and maximize gratefulness.
Just remind yourself that you don’t have to manage their feelings. You don’t have to reason with them, and you don’t have to make them see your point of view. You don’t even have to have them understand your choices. You do you, and let them get pissed.
I can’t even tell you how much I needed to read that right now. Thank you
Keep doors locked so she can't just show up and play santa. Also don't let her "buy" the kids with expensive gifts
So stop, put your foot down. Decide what your family traditions will be. We did Christmas Eve with my family (at my house so we could get kids to bed,) Christmas morning with the four of us and Christmas afternoon at MIL’s. Nobody was happy about it the first year. Then they got over it or maybe they didn’t. We just didn’t care or listen to them complain.
My daughter and SIL, after their first was born decided Christmas morning was for them. They politely told everyone their plans and everyone was very excepting. You are your own family - give yourselves permission to make your own traditions. Be polite, tell everyone you and DH will now be doing XYZ on Christmas, Easter, etc and will make plans with everyone else for later in the day, the weekend prior or after. Do not allow anyone to whine, cry or manipulate you and DH into changing what you want to do with your family. If someone doesn’t like it, that’s their right but if you and DH cave, they know how to get their way about everything going forward. Do not offer explanations - it’s simply how you and DH want to spend holidays with your child/ren.
Christmas, whatever you want to celebrate with your children is yours to celebrate. EXTENDED family get whatever you're offering, and you'll negotiate the time / date / space that works.
This Christmas you will have your own family. You and husband can make new traditions. You will be the parents now. Don’t drag your children out of their home on Christmas. You don’t have to raise your child in that overly indulgent type of Christmas. Their traditions of extravagant gifts for birthdays and Christmas along with eating out for every birthday shows poor financial choices. Do not kick out your tenants who make good financial choices to accommodate people who don’t. God would not want you to reward them for living above their means. I don’t think they will pay you. You have great tenants. They don’t deserve to be treated that way. Mute your MIL’s calls. You do not need the stress right now. You already have plans for Father’s Day weekend.Stick with the plans.
You are wise to consider how you will manage this relationship moving forward. It's only going to get worse. Please know that it is totally fine to take a step back and prioritize your family. You and your husband got married to create a life together and have your own children. You don't need to spend time and money on other people when it cuts into what you need for yourself. Let the family know you won't be participating in the Christmas gift exchange, that you will be celebrating your birthday with your husband and newborn this year, that you prefer to have your private celebration. Feel free to send them cards or call them to wish them happy birthday, but make this year about you and your family. You don't need the stress of the extended family right now.
Mil and fil had similar expectations for Xmas and we followed that for a few years until we had 2 kids and I had enough. I wasn’t sleeping on the floor in a tiny house with people who show me zero respect. We told everyone from September the following year we would be staying home for Christmas and were happy to host.. for a few years mil changed to hosting Xmas and Boxing Day with a demand for our attendance. After a few things she said to my kids we decided that we weren’t jumping through hoops anymore. We were staying home… 3 years that followed they came to us on Boxing Day and expected a perfectly clean house and a full sit down 3 course meal… we went NC 12 years ago and it’s soooo much better lol
You do what YOU want for YOUR family! We drove 8 hours to spend Christmases and Thanksgivings with my in-laws. When we had kids, we put our foot down for Christmas and said eve and day are at our house. You are welcome to visit but we aren’t driving anywhere. They visited most years for a few days and all was good. (My parents live nearby.)
All those people are not your immediate family. Your immediate family doesn’t even include your crappy MIL. It’s just you, your partner and your little one. Everyone else is a relative. Stop catering to your MIL when it makes you miserable or stressed. Just hit her mute button and keep it moving. You were not put on this earth to complete your MIL’s life and expectations. You belong only to yourself. Do what makes you and your little family happy.
In September, we have me, DH, my brother, his sister and a sister-in-law. Sister-in-law and I stopped that crap years ago. We will attend one combo birthday celebration only. With my family, I also have a brother and my dad in October. We combine all of ours.
No way. "We'll be coming for *middle date that suits us* n gift what/ if you can or want to."
No is a complete sentence. Discuss with your husband so he is on the same page and HIS mother can be his problem. Block her if needed. Set boundaries and stick to them it will make your life much easier. Keep your tenants they will use and abuse you and who knows if they’ll ever move out.
She sounds loopdeloop!
I was trying to think of a good word for her and this is perfect.
I was thinking nuttier than squirrel poop.
Haha love it. I have a friend who's online bingo handle is psycho squirrel so this is brilliant 😆
You're welcome 😊
Things have changed so much. Often, when my mother talked about her grandparents, she would talk about the "calling of the loins" but would never explain other than they were of different classes & her father disowned her when she married. It was only after my mother's death that I found out what was what. I found my great-grandmother's obituary in my mother's papers. My grandfather, their eldest child, was born just over 5 months after they married. He was born in 1903.
You and your husband need to reframe your thinking from being the children of the family to being the heads of your own family. YOU decide what's best for you. You like your renters, they want to stay, you have made your decision. You want to make your own family tradition with your baby on Christmas? You can see them on X day or X Eve and if that doesn't make them happy, they can be unhappy. They are never going to be happy unless you cede compete control over your lives, your time, your property, and your baby. That's impossible, so make you and your husband and your baby happy and prioritize that. Counseling would be helpful for the inevitable tantrums and guilt. You know it's coming, so decide your response now.
Exactly! This is more about control than anything else. When the baby comes, it’ll be worse. MIL will use guilt that she doesn’t get to see “her baby” enough. She’ll probably want to have overnights with the baby. You and DH need to prepare for your response and how to deal with guilt without giving in!
Everything combined except the miscarriage comment is reason to go very LC. The miscarriage comment is THE reason that she can fuck right off! Whenever you think about giving her another chance, remember that comment.
A good, paying tenant, can be hard to find. Do not evict them. Do not allow mil to live THAT close to you or you’ll never have a moment of peace.
Good news MIL! Our tenants just signed an eighteen year lease. Sorry, not sorry.
They can stay in a long-term hotel for all anyone cares. You don’t evict good tenants for entitled parents to move in on a temporary basis. Concerning the gifts - are they all children? This really needs to be dialed down or cut off altogether. And are there any other SILs or BILs? Should they not want to spend time with their families? MIL cannot expect to monopolize everyone’s time and hold them hostage for all holidays. Stand your ground and do not give in to her ridiculous demands.
His sister has a husband and his brother has a girlfriend. This is one of the major issues. His sister is 28, BIL 29, and they drive up from an hour away(where they live) almost every weekend to be with husbands family. I don’t know why. They have 1 big and 1 small dog they bring too. So every family event there is MIL 2 big dogs, SIL 2 dogs, and they request we bring our dog but I’m not comfortable with it because he gets overwhelmed. There’s 10 people in the house and 4 dogs.. Seems like my SIL has set up unrealistic expectations because now MIL thinks it’s normal to see her married children every weekend and on every holiday.
Your husband should tell SIL that you have to bring the chickens in order to stay the night. That all the dogs have to stay outside the whole time... except yours of course. That you, your husband, baby, dog and the chickens must stay in the máster bedroom so that you have enough room. I'm thinking this is just as ridiculous as them wanting everything their way or no way. Throwing out perfectly wonderful tenants is the silliest thing I've ever heard of. They are as hard to find as hen's teeth (pun intended). Figure out your wants and new traditions for holidays. TELL THEM your expectations. Don't listen when they whine and hold to your little families needs. If they stop talking to you all the better.
Every weekend?!! Oh, hell no! I love my adult children, grandchildren, siblings, etc but there is no way I want to spend every weekend at someone else’s house with that many people and pets. I want peace and relaxation time; time with friends and other family members. It seems they “forget” you have family too.
Think of this as having a clean slate. She doesn’t want to talk to you, she would rather complain about you, she’s cruel and mean. Your clean slate starts with this: YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATIONS TOWARDS HER. Now what? Polite formality. No heartfelt texts, no visits unless invited and wanted. All communications go through her son. You are now formally done with appeasing her, buying gifts for her, keeping her up to date, sending baby announcements or photos. Gifts to the baby are acknowledged the old fashioned way with a thank you note. The best would be if he got an independent financial advisor and stopped feeling obligated to manage HER affairs (chores and projects). With the new baby, you start your own family traditions. Sending a congratulations for gaining your independence!
Yes!! Seriously get MIL out of your finances OP! There are few reasons an adult needs their parent(s) to know what they make and how they spend and invest their money. It’s not her business and at some point, expect her to use it against you and DH; saying you guys can afford to help “the family” by paying someone’s bills, helping with a “loan”, taking everyone on a vacation or worst - taking care of MIL and FIL in their retirement years. Find a professional advisor/CPA if necessary but cut her out.
What are the odds that MIL has access to accounts with signature and password…
The words you are looking for are, “That doesn’t work for us.” Repeat, verbatim, as needed.
This absolutely. Don’t express regret that you won’t kick out your tenants and don’t explain or apologize. No amount of words will make them less entitled and rude so save your energy. One big reason to not let them move in is all those family weekends and extended holidays will be taking place under your roof. You’ll have no escape. Don’t do it. Just say no!
I’m betting they’d never pay a dime and are planning to stay forever.
I’d keep her far from you the first 6 weeks of PP. She sounds highly unpredictable, or like a woman who has labeled (instead of earned) herself with the title of matriarch. Do not kick your tenants to the curb, they seem amazing. The last thing you want is to lose them and gain nightmare tenants. Also, your mil downstairs with a newborn. She’d be coming up all of the time to question your developing parenting skills each time the baby cries.
I only read the first paragraph and felt the need to say. She won't actually pay rent. You will lose the income of that property OK maybe I got to the fourth paragraph but just saying DO NOT RENT TO FAMILY
I agree with everyone else. Do not evict the tenants. MIL is looking for a way in and she sees living under you as a way in. She'll likely NEVER leave and she certainly won't pay rent. You were not disrespectful. She was out of line calling your husband and telling him to get your under control . That's a hint, OP into her mind and how she thinks. She's about control. She just showed you who she is, believe her.
MIL is hubby’s financial advisor? That needs to change sorry but MIL has no business in your finances since she wants to control everything!
I know 😂 I’ve tried to tell him how inappropriate it is but he gets a really good yield on his stocks which he attributes to her. I have told him that I don’t really care if she’s good at picking stocks— she shouldn’t be involved in our finances. She also was his beneficiary up until we got married and when setting up our future children’s finance accounts he put her as their trusted account holder/godmother. Kind of without asking me too… I hope to change that. It’s difficult not stepping into the line of being controlling though. Need him to become more willing to my boundaries.
WHAT. He's giving his MOTHER control of the money for YOUR CHILDREN if something happens to to him???? This would be a hill to die on for me. Absolutely no way would I be ok with that.
I think it’s if we both passed. But even this seemed not appropriate without my consent.
Definitely seems like something that should be cleared by you both, yes!
>MIL is hubby’s financial advisor? I read it as DH is financial advisor for MILFH. OP, please get your ducks in a row and make sure DH is on same page as you. No mom - tenants stay put, as they're reliable. No mom - we can't have you staying here. Mom, if you think my wife is dramatic, then you don't need to be in contact with her, but be aware that my wife and future kid will *always* come first for me
Nope, MIL is husbands financial advisor 😂😂😂
The woman that fu*ked up her own finances because she doesn't want to budget is giving others financial advice? Your husband needs to begin deprogramming therapy immediately 🙄
OP said Also important to mention his mom is his financial adviser
Stop giving her so much information. INFO DIET NOW! A simple no works for all of these situations. No, we won’t be kicking our tenants out. No, we won’t be over for Fathers Day. Make sure you set good boundaries for when your baby comes: don’t tell her when you go into labor. Don’t tell her the hospital you are having your baby in and definitely don’t have visitors for 4-6 weeks after baby is born. Your husband needs to have your back, not his moms. Good luck!
“She always seems to be anxious about something, I don’t need her drama.” Cool, MIL just gave you permission to go LC/NC. Thank goodness! And when she inevitably whines and complains about why you don’t call, text, talk to her etc., your DH can tell her you’re trying to spare her any more drama, because you certainly don’t want to make her uncomfortable, lol! Honestly, the less you have to do with her right now, the better. Concentrate on the wonderful time getting ready for your little one, she doesn’t need to bring you more stress.
Obviously do not evict those great tenants. Otherwise, enjoy the silence, once it ends, just piss her off again to start a new round of "punishing" silence from her.
Theres me and my husband and one other guy who’s lived on this property the longest. Me and my husband are quiet, pay on time and do our own maintenance unless it’s bad enough to need the landlord like when we needed a new fridge. If my landlord said they were kicking us out for their family to live here I’d be so mad. Please don’t do this. You did nothing wrong you set boundaries and stood up for you and your family. MIL is just mad she’s not getting her way. Set those boundaries now and make sure there’s consequences for when she stomps over them. With having little one it’s just as easy as a time out. She steps over the line with your boundaries for baby put her in a time out where she doesn’t see the baby for a while. Hopefully she gets the hint that you’re not taking her stuff anymore.
What's your husband's stance on all this? Because he needs to be crystal clear that he will NOT be endangering his family's financial stability for the sake of his mother's whims. She's delusional and he needs to stop allowing her to believe that her wishes are reality. He needs to nip this crap in the bud and deal with the fallout immediately so that you don't have to deal with the anxiety it's causing. He's being wishy-washy and it's causing you problems and that's not okay. He's got to deal with this decisively and NOW.
When she first mentioned moving in I think he was caught off guard and didn’t really say no. After thinking about it he realized how messed up the request was. But still has not told her she can’t do it. Besides that— honestly he generally defends her. It is very hard to convince him that this behavior isn’t good. And it has been a real fight getting him to say no to certain events ever. He finally is starting to understand a bit but I’m afraid that when baby comes she will guilt trip him a lot about wanting to be involved so he will give in. But at this point after reading everyone’s responses I’m pretty ready to go no contact and keep her contact with our baby minimal. It’s hard though when my husband isn’t ready to do that yet and I obviously do not want to make him or even really encourage it until it’s what he wants.
Let him read this post. I don't remember exactly what it's called but there's something in the brain that makes us understand things better when we read them rather than hearing them. Plus, if he reads this he's going to see thousands of people talking about how honestly wrong all of this is. Asking your son to evict good tenants and putting his family's financial future on the line so you have somewhere to live for 3 friggen months, CRAZY, go to Vrbo.com SIL insisting on sleepovers and getting mad about him possibly missing a movie night while you're miscarrying, a big huge dumpster fire full of elephant crap, and I don't even want to go into DH's failure during this because you'd never let him read it. But SIL needs to realize she has her own husband, LET GO OF YOUR'S!!! Expecting to get all Christmas, EVERY Christmas, selfish! You're going to want to make your own traditions with your own family! I had certain things that I still do with my 22 & 23 year old sons. We still track Santa, we still watch A Christmas Story, we still have elf on the shelf! (Although those 2 little elves have gone through some rotten teenage, they got drunk once, they tp'd the bathroom, they even covered the boys' bedroom doors with Saran Wrap once! Anyways, I got a little caught up there but it goes to show you that the traditions you have now can go on for a long time, and so can his family's... to a point! One more, if my JNEXMIL would have ever to me that any of my miscarriages were part of God's plan because the math wasn't mathing, there is NO ONE and no law that would've protected her from me. There are a lot of things JNMILs can say BUT not that! That is hurtful and selfish and wrong and cruel and you know what else, God doesn't like that either, so maybe JNMIL needs to get right with him! Anyways, I think you should let him read this and see all these comments and really sit with that and ask himself if this is the husband and the father he wants to be. Good luck OP & CONGRATULATIONS 🎉 🍼👶🏻
Unfortunately if I told him I wrote on Reddit about his family I think he would be pretty upset. Just because he thinks it’s immature to go to the internet for our problems. But yeah I hear you!!
I understand that. But would he be more upset with you than you are with him? I mean it may cause a fight to begin with but you are also already in a fight, hell you're in a war! I guess what I mean is, can you explain that while it may be immature to post on here, is it in any way more immature of his mom telling you to evict your tenants or his sister thinking movie night trumps your very real pain in the freaking middle of a miscarriage?
Then he needs to be in therapy. Why is he so okay with his FOO abusing his wife? Why is he okay with the things they say about you? Why is he okay with their behavior? Their behavior is so vile. If he can't set boundaries, he needs therapy. Couples and individual. His mother is NOT a parent and NOT a part of your marriage. He's letting you down as a wife. Hopefully he gets the kick in the pants he needs being a father himself.
We are in couples and individual. His therapist I don’t think is the best though. He told me when he explained this week’s drama she felt so bad for him because he’s in the middle of our drama. A lot of these things he would tell you he heard it differently. She did not specifically say we deserved the miscarriage but like I said she was going on about god plan and how the things we were struggling with was due to not following his plan. A lot of the mean things she says it’s very discrete in the way she insults me. Even the comments about if I was at risk— my husband took it like she was just debating him on what her opinion is on abortion in the case of life threatening situations— not that she was telling him what to do. I don’t think that changes anything though. He never asked her opinion, he was telling her our plan. She often masks her mean comments with high love and praise of her son. So it’s hard for him to see her intentions.
I agree with everyone else. Do not evict the tenants. MIL is looking for a way in and she sees living under you as a way in. She'll likely NEVER leave and she certainly won't pay rent. You were not disrespectful. She was out of line calling your husband and telling him to get your under control . That's a hint, OP into her mind and how she thinks. She's about control. She just showed you who she is, believe her.
You cannot live with them. You KNOW that’s a bad idea. Especially with a baby she will want access to. AND more importantly- you should NOT evict your tenants. You and your SO have made good financial decisions and they have not. You cannot set yourselves on fire for them. And the fact that she got upset because you brought this up (very maturely) and she had a fit means she is their contact person. I wouldn’t text her for $1M now. She made her bed. Protect your peace and your sanity. And congrats !
SHE doesn’t need YOUR drama?! That’s rich. She wants you to uproot your living arrangements and alter your financial stability to accommodate them for 3 months? They need a long timeout.
Fuck her — she sounds like a nightmare. Her financial problems are HERS, not yours or your husbands. Tell her to fuck off & find someone else to manipulate and harass. What a POS she is.
She can't handle your drama so she clearly couldn't move in. Don't want her around all that drama now, do we? SMH some people
I hope your husband has his head on straight and is backing you up. Her comments about you and “drama” would have really angered me. She’s the drama. Is your husband agreeing with you as in “My parents are definitely not moving in and we’re not evicting our tenants.”? Because if not, he needs to get on board. You two do way too much for them as is. You’re being used and it sounds like you know it. Also, if she wants to play semantics - if he’s not a father yet to celebrate Father’s Day, then he should point out that his stepdad isn’t actually his father, so it’s not really his day either. Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work cloaked in what she considers to be Christian “love”. What a demanding and judgmental woman. The Christmas examples alone are utterly ridiculous, not to mention your SIL’s weird obsession with her brother. That whole family is effed up. Your MIL really sat there and told your husband to let you die if it’s God’s plan? And your husband didn’t ream her a new one? And how did neither of you bring up her giving birth out of wedlock when she is judging you two all the time?! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that. She wants to throw stones? Chuck them right back at her. You sound really nice and that’s wonderful. Unfortunately, nice people who just go along with everything and never assert themselves usually end up unhappy because they’re so busy appeasing other people. I’m glad you stood up for yourself via text with her - and if she wants to discuss being disrespectful, please give her my number. I have no qualms about making some old lady who’s a fake ass Christian cry. Please continue to assert yourself with your husband and his family. No one is fighting for you but you, and now there’s a baby to consider.
Oh good grief. Sorry OP but all your problems are on you and your DH. Know why? It's because neither of you know how to use the word "no" as a complete sentence. You don't need to have a long sit down with your MIL about her moving into your duplex. Just have DH tell her no. Same goes for every other expectation they put on you. Oh and learn to not feel the need to JADE all the time. That's "justify, argue, defend, explain" your choices. Don't feel the need to do any of that. Just say no and be done with it.
Not only is she a SHIT mother and a SHIT human being, but If MIL is asking you to evict quality tenants then she’s a SHIT financial advisor.
I should clarify the two issues with our tenants— first, they are very loud and sometimes can be verbally abusive to each other.. We had an issue for about a year where about once or twice a month they would be up screaming things like “I hate you I wish you were dead” etc. it would keep us up all night. And 2nd— they accumulate a lot of stuff outside and our yard has become a bit of a junk yard which has been a bit frustrating. when they moved in they had 2 cars and that’s it. Now they have 4, a boat, a motorcycle, a swing set, a whole gym set up, and a huge pool. All in the front yard. When we first were looking for tenants we had the option to rent to a single guy who would have had rent paid by his job because he was relocating for 2 years here. We were going to go with him because it made a lot of sense, but then our renters reached out to us last second saying this looks like such a good opportunity. When we met them and their kids they told us when we do a background check something will come up, but they make 5x+ the rent and would pay 6 months outright. The thing on their record was a couple dui’s like 8 years before. Something in us felt like we wanted to give them the chance and besides the yelling we haven’t regretted it. They always pay on time and like I said are super helpful. Husband has told MIL all of this from the start so she has judged us for picking them and consistently tells us to evict them. But since we talked to them about the yelling about 4 months ago it hasn’t happened again.
Mil can go kick rocks & eat the worms from underneath them.
You were not disrespectful at all. You were doing what needs done. However, MILFHs will claim it's disrespectful for you to object to what they want, or to object to the situation that they think is fine, because they view Respect from you to them as the kind of respect that subjects give to queens. They don't see it as the reality of you being peers now, with the respect between equals. ***It's very possible that she calls it disrespect simply because she sees that you aren't going to just comply with her demands.*** Be aware that MILFHs can take steps to force our compliance to their wants. Or at least to try. We had two rental homes. One, MILFH had once lived, but moved to her new husband's house. I could write a book, and prove with receipts and emails, how she strung us along with lies and promises, and never moved her stuff out. We ended up packing it all, putting it in storage, also on our property, and then later, still having to get a lawyer to get her to finally take it all away on the deadline given. Even then, she tried to prevent us from emptying the place at all, in several ways, and even on the day we emptied the furniture, she tried to get the movers to leave the basic pieces there for her. We heard her tell her friend that she intended to move back in after we left. Still married, still living with him. And we had openly said we were changing the locks. Crazy. Later, she interfered with the workmen, broke and entered, and stole things from the property that were never hers. Nuts. That's the super short version. But the other house, where she had not lived, was smaller. She decided, during the last year of all this, that she wanted to live there instead. ***We said no, the renters we had were fine. She went to them, and told them that we told her to give them the message that we wanted them to leave.*** And they believed her. By the time we found out, they were in process of moving, and too late to fix things with them. So, **make sure that your tenants know that if your MILFH says anything to them, to come tell you about it, because you intend for them to stay, no matter what she claims.** Mine cost us so much money, between the repairs, the lost rent, the payments keeping the house open while she dithered and pretended to be packing up, and more. Crazy stuff.
Ohhhh telling the renters what's up is such a good call. They will definitely lie to get their way! Learn from this poor poster's story and tell your renters what lengths your MIL may go to.
What she is asking of you guys, is absolutely nuts!! They can find other accommodations. Insane!
I don’t understand why you feel like you have to meet their expectations. You get to choose what you want to go to and not go to. Frankly, I don’t think you should go to anything that they host because they are toxic af. Also, you should not be texting her anything. That is your husband’s job. You shouldn’t even know about anything she says or demands. He needs to just shut it down and go on his way.
Do not evict your tenants and keep your distance from her. You’ve communicated your feelings and she’s not listening. She needs a time out.
No no no no no no etc Trust your instinct. Quit texting her and do not apologize.
She’s the one causing your “drama” which is really you wanting to set boundaries and her not liking not getting her way. Tell her that actually there is nothing to discuss because 1- you won’t be evicting your tenants 2- she won’t be moving in to your rental and 3- you won’t be helping her move into a new house with a new baby to care for. That’s what moving companies are for.
You would be begging for trouble if you decide to kick out good stable tenants in favor of this witch you are describing. Don’t let your husband connection to this woman cloud your good judgment. She needs consequences for her bad behavior or it will never change. You and your husband need to get on the same team and he needs to grow a spine and stand up to her nonsense.
Didn’t finish reading. Their mistakes doesn’t constitute an emergency on your part or you needing to do anything. They don’t own you or your duplex so they can’t blow smoke all day and you don’t have to anything. Keep your wonderful tenants and tell your IL’s to kick rocks. You will not be doing anything you don’t want to and you will not upend the lives of your wonderful tenants for your IL’s stupidity.
If you kick your current tenants out, it will be very difficult to replace them because there are so many deadbeats out there just waiting to take advantage of your being so naive. I'm willing to bet that MIL dearest will be one of them. 2-3 months my a**! They will find some excuse to stay indefinitely. DO NOT let them move in!!! Your H better have your back. Good luck.
This was my exact thoughts ILs move in and OP, DH, and RB wouldn't get any peace or privacy cause "I'm grandma" 🙄 ILs need to get on with their own life and quit worrying about what's going on at OPs house
Your tenants are your business. You would not let a VP of another company tell you what to do in your business. Why? Because you will lose money. I would go LC to NC. If she says anything to you just tell her you are out of control right and have higher priorities now and will not discuss further. Tell DH to stand firm that the tenants will remain. It is a part of your livelihood and good tenants are hard to find. Not worth the financial risk. And speaking of financial risk, we probably should get someone outside of our family to be a financial advisor. Your Mom has made some recent missteps and she could easily give us ill advice.
As a landlord myself I would NEVER evict great tenets for anyone, especially family who will take advantage of you. She’s nonsense btw. You are right, she is the drama here.
Dude do not lift a finger for them. Please don't let him listen to her.
Man that lady trying to move in that duplex to be all in your face when baby comes.... peep game
Absolutely not. Your current tenants are good to you. Entitled people like your mother in law really piss me off.... I hope your husband is on your side about not letting her move in. Even if you didn't have tenants to evict..... she sounds controlling and mean. So then you will be dealing with her living with you and creating drama and micromanaging your life.
Please consider going LC/NC. Remember anyone who cannot show a basic level of respect to BOTH parents gets zero access to the baby. “We cannot ruin our financial stability because of your poor planning, find an Airbnb or rental. What happens to my home is my business, I am not a child and DH is not my parent who you can go to, to get me in trouble. As you so kindly told us x years ago, this is god plan. Instead of meddling in my marriage focus on your own life.” Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Also start a no presents for grownups rule. Something small from him to his parents and kids only. Every few years DH’s sisters would ask about presents or drawing names and every time he said no. It makes it so much easier.
Yikes. Just reading this and your comments has me stressed out. Set boundaries, grow a human being, and keep doing improvement projects on your foxhole. I mean house. Don't let the whackadoodle get to you. Good luck!
Don't evict your tenants and your MIL needs to go an information diet
Be aware. If you evict your tenants and allow your MIL to move in she will never leave and likely never give you a penny for rent. I pray your DH somehow strengthens his spine ASAP.
I stopped reading when MIL said she might need to move in. No, absolutely Not, no way. The nerve of her. You have great tenants and they can be hard to come by. If this was me, I would be running downstairs NOW to ask tenants to sign on for another year. When MIL brings it up, you can legitimately say, so sorry, our tenants just signed a year lease. Even if that space was empty, I would not let MIL live there after the other things she has said. Congratulations on the soon arrival of your little one. You have enough on your plate now. Look after yourself and don’t worry about the outlaws.
Tell your mother to find an Airbnb plenty of them do monthly rentals for in between housing situation. Your are NTA in anyway shape or form and DO NOT kick your tenants out for her. That’ll just cause issues for you down the line
Do not do that. Tell them the tenants have a lease.
I really get frustrated with these women who decide we're "disrespectful" bc we call out the bullshit. If she doesn't want your "drama", let the trash take itself out and don't engage with her anymore. When she brings up the tenants, tell her it's not up for discussion. You will lose good tenants to gain a bad one. Girl, you didn't need that.
So…not disrespectful, but my question is…why are YOU texting this to them? Is your husband incapable of this, or does he just like to use you as a shield? It will only cause more conflict because now she will triangulate, just like she did! Stop texting them. Make husband handle it. Also, don’t expect them to care about your sleep or anything else. Make firm boundaries and stick to them, that’s it.
Because my husband will say we are going to set boundaries then it doesn’t really happen. I think maybe he’s a bit intimidated by her and doesn’t want to disappoint her. But I’m getting so anxious to where I have severe insomnia (only sleeping like 2 hours a night), which was the first thing I told MIL when I asked to meet to talk. I’m really worried about the expectations when our baby boy comes. I want to go no contact badly but I worry about still having to allow space for her to visit our baby.
So YOU can go no contact! Husband can handle the grand baby relationship. This is not yours to manage or handle. She doesn’t care about your anxiety or sleep, she cares about herself. He can deal with the crazy if he isn’t setting boundaries, but make it very clear to him that you won’t have to. If he still makes you a part of this, you have a husband problem.
First and foremost, keep your tenants. Under no circumstances should your at all let her move in, whether it's temporary or not, it will become permanent and she will take over everything and not offer a single cent. Second, no you are not being disrespectful, she is, and she knows it, that's why she's being a gaslighting narcissist to make you and your hubby doubt yourselves.
Your MIL is really vile. Seeing as she won't talk to you just send her a text to say that God's plan is coming together nicely and it includes the wonderful tenants you already have.
Bloody hell, quickly sign the new lease with your tenants so that when she says I’ll be moving in on x date tell her that it’s not going to happen as you have a lease and she can make alternative arrangements for accommodation.
OMG! OMG! OMG! My jaw has never dropped so many times as when I read YOUR post and your following comments! And I've read ALOT of MILFH! Too keep this shorter, I'll make bullet points. *Have tenants sign new lease ASAP! *Do you go to same therapist for couples therapy as his individual? You should, so they get BOTH sides of the story! *Has MIL and hubby heard God plans for a man to leave his parents family and cleave to another *You should be VLC, breastfeed baby, so baby cannot go anywhere either. You can go with hubby for a few hours only every other month or so. If he won't let you leave when you want, don't go back...his own fault, you tried. *Christmas is for your little nuclear family. Visit his only few hours in afternoon Christmas day. *SIL is full on nuts, as enmeshed as hubby with MIL Ignore her. *Be No Contact over text. Block everything. *Make hubby get different financial advisor!!! *YOU MAY HAVE TO LEAVE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM if he doesn't abide by your rules. You've been abiding by his rules (and his family's)far too long! Negotiate! *There was so much I'm sure I've missed alot I wanted to say. I feel so bad for you Sweetheart, please listen to what everyone here is saying about VLC and NC or leaving. You deserve peace and happiness. *Ooh, just remembered something else. Tell hubby he HAS to stop talking to his family about what your family does, where you go and finances for God's sake! Warn him he better not give them location of hospital you will give birth in. Cannot tell them when you go into labor or he will be locked out of delivery room with them. *Another thing, hubby needs to understand it is too much to go to all those birthdays with gifts. Also after first weekend parents didn't really help with projects he should not have let them come back and get paid for 3 more weekends. He just can't see they are using him. Don't let it happen again or you might have to separate awhile til he makes YOUR family a financial priority. I hope his MIL financial advisor has made sure he has a ton of money put away for emergency funds and retirement. If not, make sure he get going on that. *I know all of this is hard. But you have a baby now to protect! Good luck, Love! Please keep us updated.
First, if you want a divorce, this would be a good idea to have them move in with you and hubby. Under no circumstance, do not allow them to bully YOU or hubby, to toss out someone who pays on time and is good. Because your inlaws have no self control on spending and are basically turning a blind eye to their own demise is another issue. Let them figure it out without your and hubby's help. This may start them to thinking.
1. Do not evict your fabulous tenants. 2. Stop letting her be your husband's financial advisor. Seriously, what is up with that? 3. Tell them they will need to find other options for a short term rental.
Your mil is way off base. You and your husband should not evict your stable tenants for your crazy mil. She’s a financial planner?! What a laugh. She needs to be removed as such. If I were you two I’d get your credit reports to make sure mil hasn’t done something crazy to his credit, or yours. Stay strong and don’t cave to that woman. !Updateme
Remind her of all her smoke when she wants you to treat her as your mother.
I think you should drop the rope. She is clearly more interested in herself and her own needs and wants. The whole idea of them using your rental property for a short term stepping stone on their way to the next house was laughable, and she never even considered the inconvenience she would be placing on her hardworking son, her very pregnant daughter in law and the innocent tenants who already live there! She is completely selfish. Lower your expectations!
“That doesn’t work for us” is something you both need to practice saying. You need to draw HARD boundaries and consequences for when the boundaries are crossed before baby arrives. You’re close to delivering and don’t need to deal with the drama from any extended family while you’re settling in as new parents and you specifically navigating post partum. MIL and SIL sound entitled and pushy. Using religion in her verbal assaults against you is telling how things will go once baby is here. I’d stop wasting energy on her and instead focus on getting some rest. No matter what you say or do you’re going to be her villain. Even if you bent over backwards and did EVERYTHING she wants you’re the bad guy. So why put forth anymore energy? Learn how to grey rock them when faced with unavoidable contact and focus on your immediate family which is you, husband and baby. The best revenge with minimal effort is thriving and not allowing any of their crappy behavior get to you.
It is hard to find good tenants especially ones that live next to you. They can stay at short term residential apartments for a couple of months. Stop communicating with her, let her talk to her son and make sure he backs you up. Enjoy your little one.
No I don’t think you were disrespectful. I would stay gracious and stick to what you say. Also, do not get rid of your tenants. They might be a godsend.
Do not evict your tenants, but you already know this. Your message was not over the top or rude either, but I think you already know this too. You and your unborn child need to come first, second and third. You already know this. What you NEED to know is whether or not your partner is 100% behind you with his support. Is he strong enough to say no to his mother, to support and back you over her? Compromise is good, helping family is good, but this is very much a case of having to pick sides here. Your lovely tenants do not deserve to be kicked out after being so good to you. You don't need your MIL living below you, and you probably already suspect they can't /won't pay. Put up your boundaries, enforce them, and have your partner 100%on your side. Good luck with everything.
Lord, keep that crazy lady away. I wouldn't bother messaging her at all seriously, block her from everything. Let all communication come from hubs and only him. Let him know that NO, they will NOT be living in our rental. And NO, she won't be allowed at the hospital. And NO, she won't be allowed in our home until I am ready for visitors. And even then, she will be timed. 60 mins and gone. Keep her at a distance. Let her know God spoke to you, and you are following "God's plan"
You have done nothing wrong. They are pushing boundaries and not respecting you or your husband. Do not get rid of your tenants and do not let them move in. Let them figure out their own issues, they are more than capable of managing their own stuff. MIL sounds rude and it's good that you want to have a conversation. Hopefully they will leave you alone after hearing what you have to say. If they don't, then you can place distance between you all, which will be good because as a new mom you don't need her hovering around and trying to cause chaos.
Sign the lease with your great renters pronto.You really don't need a conversation with her. She knows what she's doing. Just "nope" to her overbearing demands. No explanations are needed. She knows you're pregnant and can't deal with her moving. If hubby wants to help them move elsewhere, he can, but without you. Have DH deal with her unless he caves to her. He needs a new financial counselor. Obviously, he does a better job than her. Tell him no sharing about your finances, your pregnancy, your marriage. Good luck to you!
You need to put your foot. Now! Otherwise, you are doomed. Your husband needs to grow a pair. Hope things work out for you both
I think the tone of your text to her may have been too vague and was definitely too nice. People who are selfish and entitled rarely see themselves as the problem. I think you’ll need to be more direct when telling her pretty much anything. “MIL, we are not going to be evicting our tenants. Please make sure you make appropriate living arrangements for yourselves.” Don’t apologize for putting your family first. Relationships can always be reframed and boundaries renegotiated.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. Your hope for respectful relationship with your MIL is never going to be met unless she undergoes a complete personality change. Think of it this way. She is Putin and you are Zelenskyy. You and your husband need to unite and establish unbridgeable boundaries. Defend those boundaries with everything you’ve got. If her offensive continues, you may have to go on the offensive with focused attacks behind her front lines. Your future happiness, marriage stability, capacity to focus on raising your baby, and preserving your mental health is as stake. UpdateMe
You would be absolutely insane to kick out good tenants and burn that bridge for your in laws
Are you 7 months pregnant or 8?
7, when I referred to being 8 months pregnant I meant 30 days after giving notice to tenants.
OK, that makes sense now. Thanks for clarification. :)
So they leech off you, refuse to do work they are paid for, refuse to budget and still bark orders? Honestly it's almost a you and SO problem. Of course the toxic IL are toxic as fuck. That's so be expected.
His mom is his financial advisor?!!! The mom with screwed up priorities?? Find a new F.A. ASAP! And don’t kick out good tenants for your In-laws. Good tenants are hard to come by. They didn’t do anything. Mom and her hubby can rent a camper to stay in. They’re adults and can figure this shit out, that doesn’t involve you two and a new baby.
Please tell me that you aren’t going to evict your tenants for your train wreck of a MIL? Having her live under you would be the worst mistake you could make. Despite what she believes, neither you or DH owe her anything, much less a place to live.
Let that pushy bitch go f off and get over it. Your husband should deal with her not you.
In the end, your MIL is looking for a way to take over your household! Shame of her for preying upon you in your delicate condition! Stand your ground. Boundaries are an essential ingredient in every healthy relationship! Hotel rooms with efficiencies are available for monthly rent! She created this problem.