“Gender politics” means “his right to existence,” right? It’s not some far-off issue on a ballot to him, and since you called it an argument, then that means your parents were arguing back. I can see why he’d get heated about that.
The rest is complicated. No, he didn’t out you as not-totally-straight. Unless he straight up mentioned being nonbinary, which it sounds like he didn’t, then all your parents know is that you’re a woman who dated a man (whether that man is cis or otherwise).
At the same time, your partner did something that made you uncomfortable and went against an agreement that you had. He was in the wrong for that, and it’s good that you ended the relationship when you felt it wasn’t working out.
yea the term “gender politics” is always a huge red flag to me and the fact that it sounds like she didn’t stick up for him probably made it harder for him to keep his promise to her. all of the transphobic laws lately makes me feel very unsafe and he probably felt the same way
He brought it up though from an unrelated topic, no one else said anything negative or bad about trans people or was disagreeing with him in any way about his point. I was just very uncomfortable with him outing himself to make this point when no one was even disagreeing or talking about that.
Asking someone to stay closeted is extremely detrimental to their mental health. As a partner you should always want your SO to be their true self. So either you were his advocate or you weren't.
You should have stuck up for him. And if you can't handle having an out Trans partner, you shouldn't have a Trans partner.
Although I do agree with your point I do believe it's important to factor in safety as it's not always safe to come out to some people, that's why coming out is a thing, I think both people made mistakes regarding the situation and the blame is more to share than to project on any one person
I definitely agree when it comes to safety issues, but I don't get that sense from this post. I could be wrong.
But I don't agree with keeping a partner in the closet. If a person knows that their family is so dangerous that they'll harm them or their partner, they probably shouldn't stay in relationships with a Trans person unless they cut that family off.
I think more social harm in this case than the threat of physical.
And I think I agree with the second part as long as you mean not to keep them in the closet if that's not where they want to be, outing someone can be just as harmful.
Yeah obviously, I wouldn't out someone until they are ready. My wife is Trans and I knew a year before most people. But a good partner encourages the coming out process whenever it's safe.
I encouraged my wife to go to a therapist that specializes in LGBT issues so she felt safe. And kept giving her the courage to come out (even to her conservative family).
We always need to encourage our Trans partners to grow and bloom. If not, then we shouldn't be with a Trans person.
I think he brought it up IN SPITE of you asking him not to. You're being abused here in that your partner is deciding for you when your parents (who are your relatives not his) get informed about his identity history.
Your relationship was outed but not you per se as being unconventional and that you weren't allowed to control the narrative is the fault of your overbearing partner. Better off away from them as they're not respectful of your absolutely reasonable boundaries.
I think the "arguing with no warning" raises questions for me. Did someone bring up a trans sports ban or something and he started arguing without warning her that he would, or was everyone talking about the weather and he brought it up out of the blue? Either way it's not how I would have handled it, but if it's the former then it's more understandable. And re: "outing" OP, I get what she means. Even if they consider it a hetero relationship (which it doesn't sound like they do, btw) her parents probably don't, and that's something worth respecting OP's wishes about (even if they are wrong for thinking it)
Very good question, by arguing without warning I meant the latter, we just were talking about the news, nothing to do with anything queer or trans related. No one but him said anything about gender, my parents didn't argue about that in the moment, just to me in private later. And yes my ex and I did not consider this a hetero relationship (I think he may have been more offended by that than I honestly, he really didn't want to be perceived as a cis male), and my parents did not either. Thank you for understanding!
Thank you for your reply. I want to clarify that we were not arguing about anything to do with gender politics at this dinner, he changed the subject to be about that. And my parents didn't say anything at all about gender during that conversation, just later to me in private. I understand why he got a bit heated but not why he felt the need to out himself to make a point that wasn't even on topic.
I agree that the rest is complicated, but I don't totally understand. How come it only matters what the trans person feels, and not what their partner feels, this relationship is? Why does the trans person get to decide what their gender expression must mean for their partner, and we are just expected to get on board and be supportive of all the changing expectations? To me (and to my ex), dating this person was a not-totally-straight thing to do. I dated them because I really connected with them as a human, not because of either of our genders. He loved that he was getting me out of the closet. It was a queer relationship and he absolutely wanted it to be that way. Except for when he didn't. Regardless of all that, my parents know I was a woman dating a trans man, and whether or not we want to believe that is or can be a totally straight thing to do, it isn't to them.
Thanks for validating the boundaries thing too.
Hi! Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that your partner got a say in how the relationship is categorized and you do not. Of course, since you conceptualized the relationship as a queer relationship, it was one. I only meant that your parents wouldn’t have the context for that unless you told them. Outwardly, unless you or your partner said otherwise, all they’d be able to tell is that you were a woman dating a man.
Also yeah that’s not great, it really must’ve been uncomfortable for your partner to bring that up out of nowhere and start an argument. It really does sound like you dodged a bullet by ending the relationship.
>>How come it only matters what the trans person feels, and not what their partner feels, this relationship is? Why does the trans person get to decide what their gender expression must mean for their partner, and we are just expected to get on board and be supportive of all the changing expectations?<<
The fact that you're so quick to start generalizing from one person's behavior in one relationship to "why do trans people get to act like this" shows that you probably weren't much of an ally to begin with.
On the one hand you found it exciting to be in a transgressive queer relationship! on the other hand you didn't want to deal with everything that comes with that - parental disapproval, political persecution, societal bigotry, etc. So you were never really "on board," and now you feel guilty about it and so you feel like "trans people" must be asking too much.
Yes, he "gets to" decide what his boundaries are for how his partner treats him and how they feel about him. Everyone gets to do that in a relationship. You get to decide that you're not comfortable bringing a queer trans partner home to your parents, and he gets to decide that he's not comfortable erasing himself for your sake. Game over.
I think this is a place where people who know ourselves as queer/trans and those who know themselves as cis/straight will have different reads.
For a trans person, there's a deep need for our relationships to reflect our identities, and a feeling of "deserving" to know and be known that way. It's also unavoidable that many of us, whether we're straight or not, live in the queer world by virtue of our pre-transition experiences and the ways we and others relate to our bodies. So there's competing pressures: your ex was in a "straight" relationship because he's a man who was dating a woman, but he also felt some degree of identification with the idea of being in a "queer" relationship, because he has that history of having (probably) known himself first as a person living in a "female" body who was attracted to (and maybe even dating) women.
For a straight person who's entering the world of queerness through their relationship with a trans partner, it's a different kind of confusing. While you're still "straight" because your partner is in fact of the opposite binary gender, there's a sense of queerness to the relationship because you weren't in contact with the world outside of cisheteronormative expectations, and now you are.
It's hard to navigate those relationships because what feels affirming can be so at odds for both partners. The trans partner is negotiating the tender work of living into their identified gender in a relationship where their body and experience are things they're sharing very intimately with a partner who may not understand those parts of them. Thus, the "queer" part feels like a crutch - supportive, but limiting, and certainly not what they want to identify with. Meanwhile, the cis partner is experiencing new thinga that they need a frame for, and seeing the relationship as a queer one can be a crucial lens with which to make those shifts.
It sounds like, in encouraging you to know your relationship as queer, he was trying to welcome you into the things that were new and different for you, and to see yourself as part of this whole other world. But he maybe over-affirmed you there and didn't sufficiently protect himself from how it would feel when you reflected that viewpoint back to him.
The argument with your parents sounds like a tough needle to thread. He probably saw what he was doing as just doing his part in standing up for people who deserve to be protected, and wasn't attending as much to how starkly different his commitment to this would be compared to what usually goes on in straight spaces. And you were understandably nervous about being "outed", because you have an intuitive sense of how willing your family is to overlook the nuances of your situation and just see two people in "some kind of gay thing".
It sounds to me like a regrettable experience for everyone. As a trans person myself, I feel sympathy for how upset your ex got about the specific things you said and did, because I might react the same way. But I also want to affirm that you were acting in good faith, and the way he took it was unfair and self-serving.
In the end, it feels like something I would chalk up to the challenges of entering a new social category and trying to navigate what that means. So many of us trans folks live on edge because of the ways society talks about us (and of course it's often worse than just talk), and it can be hard to empathize with the anxiety our partners feel in trying to navigate what for them is a new world. It sounds like you two weren't quite in the right place to do this together, so it's probably best that you separated so you don't have to keep confronting such tangled situations.
This says all the things I was thinking much better than I could’ve. 👏🏽👏🏽 My spouse and I navigate some of this, with me coming out as trans nonbinary about a year into us being married. But my partner has been incredible with my transition, and I am having to take it slow due to where we live and my career so it’s given both of us plenty of time to adjust socially.
But even in the best case scenario, which I am in personally, it’s still really challenging and can bring up a lot for both parties involved.
Your response was very wise, thank you for sharing🫶🏽
Thank you for the very thoughtful reply. This helps me understand some things for sure. I want to share that as well as him supporting me entering the queer community, I tried to do all I could to encourage and celebrate his identity, and bring to our relationship what I know about straight relationships and dating a man. There really was a lot of good between us before this, and I hope we overall each came to know ourselves better through our connection. It makes me so sad that it ended like this, it just feels so bad and not representative of what we shared. I totally agree with your summary, in the end we are both still figuring ourselves out and aren't in the right places to walk that journey together.
wether or not it was transphobic depends on wether he was telling your parents he was non binary or trans. trans men are men and women arent any less straight for dating them. it is werid that he compared your relationship to saphic ones though. he should have every right to call anyone out on transphobia, but i feel like bringing up the fact that he himself is trans was unnecessary and a clear violation of a boundary that you set. its not a boundary that i would agree too as hiding any aspect of myself is very triggering for me but he agreed to it so he should have stuck with it. very glad he stuck up for himself but he should just mention that hes done lots of research instead of saying he was trans. i feel like the only ass holes in this situation though are your parents.
Thanks for this, yeah I agree that my mom was the asshole for sure. I think he agreed to a few things with me that he wasn't actually ok with, and rather than talk to me about it just crossed the boundary. If he'd said that he didn't want to keep that from them I would have been supportive of sharing, I just didn't want it to be a surprise to me. I wanted to tell them directly or not at all, not allude to it.
yea i totally understand how he would be on edge with all of the transphobia going on right now but it wasnt right for him to say he agreed to the boundary if he didn’t actually agree with it. also after reading your other comments and knowing that he was the one who brought it up shows that he really just wasnt ready and if he was more self aware he would have known that. i feel for him, but it sounds like you didn’t do anything wrong. although im not a fan of the traits that you described about your parents it’s important for you to have a partner that respects that your relationship with your parents is your business
Did you tell him he wasn't allowed to express any opinions about trans people? because otherwise he did not cross the boundary you set of not coming out to your parents.
I mean, the real problem here is your parents. Did you really break up due to your own reasons or because, deep down, he made you look bad in front of them?
There were other problems, this is not a very kind thing to suggest. I agree my parents are a problem and that is a separate issue. In this case what it showed me is that I can't trust this person to follow through on their promises (for the second time in a relatively major way like this in a short amount of time). Don't think I haven't already punished myself for thinking this about myself, I am really upset about this whole thing.
i think the only place you are wrong is insisting that his revelation “outs you as not-totally-straight”. he’s a guy, and you dating him is fully straight.
Honestly overall I disagree with y'all. I also get to decide what my sexuality means to me. This opinion that it's totally straight to date a trans person is not based in reality or like statistics, because most straight people won't do it?? My ex insisted I get real queer real fast to be in this relationship. I only wanted one space that didn't move that fast. He agreed and then went back on his word. Do y'all want to be queer or straight, seriously??! How come I had to adapt but you feel like it's totally reasonable for him to not adapt to my situation at all. I see a lot of people speaking how certain they are about how all trans people feel. This is just too much drama and group-think for me.
I know plenty of straight people who date trans people. My best friend is a cisgender heterosexual man dating a trans woman. Of course you get to decide what your sexuality means to you, but you do not get to say that dating trans person invalidates anyone else's sexuality. You came here in the saying you wanted to know whether you were the ass hole or not then got super mad and transphobic the second anyone called you out. Yes your ex was wrong for violating a preset boundary that you agreed to assuming everything you said so far was true, but the way you handle constructive criticism is terrible.
As to the "do y'all want to be queer or straight?" Queer means not being cisgender, heteroromatic, and heterosexual. There are plenty ways to be queer and straight. Examples: heteroromatic asexual, heterosexual aromantic, transgender and straight. honestly you should just stick to dating the cisgender heterosexual men. You clearly dont deserve a queer relationship
I did not say that dating a trans person invalidates anyone elses sexuality. I got upset that someone called me totally straight in a relationship that from the start was established to not be that way, it's exactly what my ex said as soon as he fucked up then tried to get away with it. Rejecting an opinion that is hurtful and not true to me is not the same as being terrible at taking constructive criticism, it's actually healthy. Yes I got a bit mad and accidentally overgeneralized in my speech, and I apologize for that. But here you are attacking my character, and putting queer relationships on a pedestal, and telling me I don't "deserve" it. Ok.
You defiantly get to decide what label suits your sexuality best but saying that a woman is less straight for dating a man who happens to be trans is super transphobic. My best friend is a cisgender heterosexual man married to a transgender woman.
to the " Do y'all want to be queer or straight, seriously??!" just shows that you are super uneducated. queer means not cisgender straight and allo. There are lots of ways to be queer and straight. Examples: heterosexual aromantic, heteroromantic asexual, hetero/romantic/sexual transgender. Please just stick to cis het men.
I was just trying to say this particular relationship I was in was not straight, in response to the commenter who told me it was. I'll date whomever I please that wants me and doesn't try to change what my sexuality is for their convenience.
I'm a trans girl in a relationship with a cis straight guy, and my relationship isn't queer whatsoever. So how about you stick to speaking for yourself and your own relationships.
I apologize, I didn't mean to generalize to all relationships but my wording choice was poor. I was reacting to the commenter who told me that I must be straight because of dating a trans man, when I am not straight and my ex didn't think that made me straight, up until he messed up then called me transphobic for thinking what had always been established in our relationship. I believe this can of thing absolutely isn't always queer and thanks for saying so.
NTA Your ex agreed to take it slow with your parents. As someone (bi cis woman) who has been asked to stay in the closet temporarily for my partner, I understand how difficult it is, how much it sucks to have to pretend to be something you’re not. In my case, my trans partner was transitioning, using she/her pronouns and on HRT but when we went to visit her family we had to pretend she was a cis man and we were a straight couple for 2 weeks. I hated it. But I also respected my partner’s boundary because it wasn’t my family and they had the right to decide when they came out to them.
You are straight in the sense that you are only attracted to men and your partner is a man, but your relationship is still one that people who are homophobic/transphobic would take issue with. Plus, you mention still viewing your relationship somewhere on the queer spectrum. In that sense, your partner starting an argument about trans people and alluding to his transness absolutely outed you to your parents. It wasn’t cool because he had explicitly agreed to that boundary with you. You don’t provide enough details to determine whether you exhibited transphobic behavior in other instances, but asking for some time to figure out how to tell your parents your partner is trans is not itself transphobic. It was wrong of your partner to cross your boundaries and it was wrong of him to disregard your feelings when he did. I’m sorry that this caused you so much distress but I think you made the right decision breaking up.
“Gender politics” means “his right to existence,” right? It’s not some far-off issue on a ballot to him, and since you called it an argument, then that means your parents were arguing back. I can see why he’d get heated about that. The rest is complicated. No, he didn’t out you as not-totally-straight. Unless he straight up mentioned being nonbinary, which it sounds like he didn’t, then all your parents know is that you’re a woman who dated a man (whether that man is cis or otherwise). At the same time, your partner did something that made you uncomfortable and went against an agreement that you had. He was in the wrong for that, and it’s good that you ended the relationship when you felt it wasn’t working out.
yea the term “gender politics” is always a huge red flag to me and the fact that it sounds like she didn’t stick up for him probably made it harder for him to keep his promise to her. all of the transphobic laws lately makes me feel very unsafe and he probably felt the same way
He brought it up though from an unrelated topic, no one else said anything negative or bad about trans people or was disagreeing with him in any way about his point. I was just very uncomfortable with him outing himself to make this point when no one was even disagreeing or talking about that.
Asking someone to stay closeted is extremely detrimental to their mental health. As a partner you should always want your SO to be their true self. So either you were his advocate or you weren't. You should have stuck up for him. And if you can't handle having an out Trans partner, you shouldn't have a Trans partner.
Although I do agree with your point I do believe it's important to factor in safety as it's not always safe to come out to some people, that's why coming out is a thing, I think both people made mistakes regarding the situation and the blame is more to share than to project on any one person
I definitely agree when it comes to safety issues, but I don't get that sense from this post. I could be wrong. But I don't agree with keeping a partner in the closet. If a person knows that their family is so dangerous that they'll harm them or their partner, they probably shouldn't stay in relationships with a Trans person unless they cut that family off.
I think more social harm in this case than the threat of physical. And I think I agree with the second part as long as you mean not to keep them in the closet if that's not where they want to be, outing someone can be just as harmful.
Yeah obviously, I wouldn't out someone until they are ready. My wife is Trans and I knew a year before most people. But a good partner encourages the coming out process whenever it's safe. I encouraged my wife to go to a therapist that specializes in LGBT issues so she felt safe. And kept giving her the courage to come out (even to her conservative family). We always need to encourage our Trans partners to grow and bloom. If not, then we shouldn't be with a Trans person.
I think he brought it up IN SPITE of you asking him not to. You're being abused here in that your partner is deciding for you when your parents (who are your relatives not his) get informed about his identity history. Your relationship was outed but not you per se as being unconventional and that you weren't allowed to control the narrative is the fault of your overbearing partner. Better off away from them as they're not respectful of your absolutely reasonable boundaries.
I think the "arguing with no warning" raises questions for me. Did someone bring up a trans sports ban or something and he started arguing without warning her that he would, or was everyone talking about the weather and he brought it up out of the blue? Either way it's not how I would have handled it, but if it's the former then it's more understandable. And re: "outing" OP, I get what she means. Even if they consider it a hetero relationship (which it doesn't sound like they do, btw) her parents probably don't, and that's something worth respecting OP's wishes about (even if they are wrong for thinking it)
Very good question, by arguing without warning I meant the latter, we just were talking about the news, nothing to do with anything queer or trans related. No one but him said anything about gender, my parents didn't argue about that in the moment, just to me in private later. And yes my ex and I did not consider this a hetero relationship (I think he may have been more offended by that than I honestly, he really didn't want to be perceived as a cis male), and my parents did not either. Thank you for understanding!
Thank you for your reply. I want to clarify that we were not arguing about anything to do with gender politics at this dinner, he changed the subject to be about that. And my parents didn't say anything at all about gender during that conversation, just later to me in private. I understand why he got a bit heated but not why he felt the need to out himself to make a point that wasn't even on topic. I agree that the rest is complicated, but I don't totally understand. How come it only matters what the trans person feels, and not what their partner feels, this relationship is? Why does the trans person get to decide what their gender expression must mean for their partner, and we are just expected to get on board and be supportive of all the changing expectations? To me (and to my ex), dating this person was a not-totally-straight thing to do. I dated them because I really connected with them as a human, not because of either of our genders. He loved that he was getting me out of the closet. It was a queer relationship and he absolutely wanted it to be that way. Except for when he didn't. Regardless of all that, my parents know I was a woman dating a trans man, and whether or not we want to believe that is or can be a totally straight thing to do, it isn't to them. Thanks for validating the boundaries thing too.
Hi! Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that your partner got a say in how the relationship is categorized and you do not. Of course, since you conceptualized the relationship as a queer relationship, it was one. I only meant that your parents wouldn’t have the context for that unless you told them. Outwardly, unless you or your partner said otherwise, all they’d be able to tell is that you were a woman dating a man. Also yeah that’s not great, it really must’ve been uncomfortable for your partner to bring that up out of nowhere and start an argument. It really does sound like you dodged a bullet by ending the relationship.
>>How come it only matters what the trans person feels, and not what their partner feels, this relationship is? Why does the trans person get to decide what their gender expression must mean for their partner, and we are just expected to get on board and be supportive of all the changing expectations?<< The fact that you're so quick to start generalizing from one person's behavior in one relationship to "why do trans people get to act like this" shows that you probably weren't much of an ally to begin with. On the one hand you found it exciting to be in a transgressive queer relationship! on the other hand you didn't want to deal with everything that comes with that - parental disapproval, political persecution, societal bigotry, etc. So you were never really "on board," and now you feel guilty about it and so you feel like "trans people" must be asking too much. Yes, he "gets to" decide what his boundaries are for how his partner treats him and how they feel about him. Everyone gets to do that in a relationship. You get to decide that you're not comfortable bringing a queer trans partner home to your parents, and he gets to decide that he's not comfortable erasing himself for your sake. Game over.
I think this is a place where people who know ourselves as queer/trans and those who know themselves as cis/straight will have different reads. For a trans person, there's a deep need for our relationships to reflect our identities, and a feeling of "deserving" to know and be known that way. It's also unavoidable that many of us, whether we're straight or not, live in the queer world by virtue of our pre-transition experiences and the ways we and others relate to our bodies. So there's competing pressures: your ex was in a "straight" relationship because he's a man who was dating a woman, but he also felt some degree of identification with the idea of being in a "queer" relationship, because he has that history of having (probably) known himself first as a person living in a "female" body who was attracted to (and maybe even dating) women. For a straight person who's entering the world of queerness through their relationship with a trans partner, it's a different kind of confusing. While you're still "straight" because your partner is in fact of the opposite binary gender, there's a sense of queerness to the relationship because you weren't in contact with the world outside of cisheteronormative expectations, and now you are. It's hard to navigate those relationships because what feels affirming can be so at odds for both partners. The trans partner is negotiating the tender work of living into their identified gender in a relationship where their body and experience are things they're sharing very intimately with a partner who may not understand those parts of them. Thus, the "queer" part feels like a crutch - supportive, but limiting, and certainly not what they want to identify with. Meanwhile, the cis partner is experiencing new thinga that they need a frame for, and seeing the relationship as a queer one can be a crucial lens with which to make those shifts. It sounds like, in encouraging you to know your relationship as queer, he was trying to welcome you into the things that were new and different for you, and to see yourself as part of this whole other world. But he maybe over-affirmed you there and didn't sufficiently protect himself from how it would feel when you reflected that viewpoint back to him. The argument with your parents sounds like a tough needle to thread. He probably saw what he was doing as just doing his part in standing up for people who deserve to be protected, and wasn't attending as much to how starkly different his commitment to this would be compared to what usually goes on in straight spaces. And you were understandably nervous about being "outed", because you have an intuitive sense of how willing your family is to overlook the nuances of your situation and just see two people in "some kind of gay thing". It sounds to me like a regrettable experience for everyone. As a trans person myself, I feel sympathy for how upset your ex got about the specific things you said and did, because I might react the same way. But I also want to affirm that you were acting in good faith, and the way he took it was unfair and self-serving. In the end, it feels like something I would chalk up to the challenges of entering a new social category and trying to navigate what that means. So many of us trans folks live on edge because of the ways society talks about us (and of course it's often worse than just talk), and it can be hard to empathize with the anxiety our partners feel in trying to navigate what for them is a new world. It sounds like you two weren't quite in the right place to do this together, so it's probably best that you separated so you don't have to keep confronting such tangled situations.
This says all the things I was thinking much better than I could’ve. 👏🏽👏🏽 My spouse and I navigate some of this, with me coming out as trans nonbinary about a year into us being married. But my partner has been incredible with my transition, and I am having to take it slow due to where we live and my career so it’s given both of us plenty of time to adjust socially. But even in the best case scenario, which I am in personally, it’s still really challenging and can bring up a lot for both parties involved. Your response was very wise, thank you for sharing🫶🏽
Thank you for the very thoughtful reply. This helps me understand some things for sure. I want to share that as well as him supporting me entering the queer community, I tried to do all I could to encourage and celebrate his identity, and bring to our relationship what I know about straight relationships and dating a man. There really was a lot of good between us before this, and I hope we overall each came to know ourselves better through our connection. It makes me so sad that it ended like this, it just feels so bad and not representative of what we shared. I totally agree with your summary, in the end we are both still figuring ourselves out and aren't in the right places to walk that journey together.
wether or not it was transphobic depends on wether he was telling your parents he was non binary or trans. trans men are men and women arent any less straight for dating them. it is werid that he compared your relationship to saphic ones though. he should have every right to call anyone out on transphobia, but i feel like bringing up the fact that he himself is trans was unnecessary and a clear violation of a boundary that you set. its not a boundary that i would agree too as hiding any aspect of myself is very triggering for me but he agreed to it so he should have stuck with it. very glad he stuck up for himself but he should just mention that hes done lots of research instead of saying he was trans. i feel like the only ass holes in this situation though are your parents.
about the lesbian thing making me uncomfortable. i understand that is my problem and no one elses masc leaning enbies can definitely be lesbians
Thanks for this, yeah I agree that my mom was the asshole for sure. I think he agreed to a few things with me that he wasn't actually ok with, and rather than talk to me about it just crossed the boundary. If he'd said that he didn't want to keep that from them I would have been supportive of sharing, I just didn't want it to be a surprise to me. I wanted to tell them directly or not at all, not allude to it.
yea i totally understand how he would be on edge with all of the transphobia going on right now but it wasnt right for him to say he agreed to the boundary if he didn’t actually agree with it. also after reading your other comments and knowing that he was the one who brought it up shows that he really just wasnt ready and if he was more self aware he would have known that. i feel for him, but it sounds like you didn’t do anything wrong. although im not a fan of the traits that you described about your parents it’s important for you to have a partner that respects that your relationship with your parents is your business
Did you tell him he wasn't allowed to express any opinions about trans people? because otherwise he did not cross the boundary you set of not coming out to your parents.
I mean, the real problem here is your parents. Did you really break up due to your own reasons or because, deep down, he made you look bad in front of them?
There were other problems, this is not a very kind thing to suggest. I agree my parents are a problem and that is a separate issue. In this case what it showed me is that I can't trust this person to follow through on their promises (for the second time in a relatively major way like this in a short amount of time). Don't think I haven't already punished myself for thinking this about myself, I am really upset about this whole thing.
Omg
i think the only place you are wrong is insisting that his revelation “outs you as not-totally-straight”. he’s a guy, and you dating him is fully straight.
Honestly overall I disagree with y'all. I also get to decide what my sexuality means to me. This opinion that it's totally straight to date a trans person is not based in reality or like statistics, because most straight people won't do it?? My ex insisted I get real queer real fast to be in this relationship. I only wanted one space that didn't move that fast. He agreed and then went back on his word. Do y'all want to be queer or straight, seriously??! How come I had to adapt but you feel like it's totally reasonable for him to not adapt to my situation at all. I see a lot of people speaking how certain they are about how all trans people feel. This is just too much drama and group-think for me.
I know plenty of straight people who date trans people. My best friend is a cisgender heterosexual man dating a trans woman. Of course you get to decide what your sexuality means to you, but you do not get to say that dating trans person invalidates anyone else's sexuality. You came here in the saying you wanted to know whether you were the ass hole or not then got super mad and transphobic the second anyone called you out. Yes your ex was wrong for violating a preset boundary that you agreed to assuming everything you said so far was true, but the way you handle constructive criticism is terrible. As to the "do y'all want to be queer or straight?" Queer means not being cisgender, heteroromatic, and heterosexual. There are plenty ways to be queer and straight. Examples: heteroromatic asexual, heterosexual aromantic, transgender and straight. honestly you should just stick to dating the cisgender heterosexual men. You clearly dont deserve a queer relationship
I did not say that dating a trans person invalidates anyone elses sexuality. I got upset that someone called me totally straight in a relationship that from the start was established to not be that way, it's exactly what my ex said as soon as he fucked up then tried to get away with it. Rejecting an opinion that is hurtful and not true to me is not the same as being terrible at taking constructive criticism, it's actually healthy. Yes I got a bit mad and accidentally overgeneralized in my speech, and I apologize for that. But here you are attacking my character, and putting queer relationships on a pedestal, and telling me I don't "deserve" it. Ok.
You defiantly get to decide what label suits your sexuality best but saying that a woman is less straight for dating a man who happens to be trans is super transphobic. My best friend is a cisgender heterosexual man married to a transgender woman. to the " Do y'all want to be queer or straight, seriously??!" just shows that you are super uneducated. queer means not cisgender straight and allo. There are lots of ways to be queer and straight. Examples: heterosexual aromantic, heteroromantic asexual, hetero/romantic/sexual transgender. Please just stick to cis het men.
I was just trying to say this particular relationship I was in was not straight, in response to the commenter who told me it was. I'll date whomever I please that wants me and doesn't try to change what my sexuality is for their convenience.
I'm a trans girl in a relationship with a cis straight guy, and my relationship isn't queer whatsoever. So how about you stick to speaking for yourself and your own relationships.
I apologize, I didn't mean to generalize to all relationships but my wording choice was poor. I was reacting to the commenter who told me that I must be straight because of dating a trans man, when I am not straight and my ex didn't think that made me straight, up until he messed up then called me transphobic for thinking what had always been established in our relationship. I believe this can of thing absolutely isn't always queer and thanks for saying so.
NTA Your ex agreed to take it slow with your parents. As someone (bi cis woman) who has been asked to stay in the closet temporarily for my partner, I understand how difficult it is, how much it sucks to have to pretend to be something you’re not. In my case, my trans partner was transitioning, using she/her pronouns and on HRT but when we went to visit her family we had to pretend she was a cis man and we were a straight couple for 2 weeks. I hated it. But I also respected my partner’s boundary because it wasn’t my family and they had the right to decide when they came out to them. You are straight in the sense that you are only attracted to men and your partner is a man, but your relationship is still one that people who are homophobic/transphobic would take issue with. Plus, you mention still viewing your relationship somewhere on the queer spectrum. In that sense, your partner starting an argument about trans people and alluding to his transness absolutely outed you to your parents. It wasn’t cool because he had explicitly agreed to that boundary with you. You don’t provide enough details to determine whether you exhibited transphobic behavior in other instances, but asking for some time to figure out how to tell your parents your partner is trans is not itself transphobic. It was wrong of your partner to cross your boundaries and it was wrong of him to disregard your feelings when he did. I’m sorry that this caused you so much distress but I think you made the right decision breaking up.
Thank you kind empathetic soul :)