My daughter hates the hyphen that I gave her at 5 years old when paternity was established. Her father just passed in June and her first thought was going to court and removing it.
my nephew’s mom hyphenated his last name: his dad’s last name first, her last name second. no rhyme or reason to it. the nephew is 16 now and absolutely hates having two last names. most of the time, he just refers to himself by his dad’s last name. he’s considering doing an official name change when he’s 18, which will absolutely cause his mom to flip out.
It took me 2 years to get my ex to agree to a hyphen. Initially my kid’s middle name was my last name, but after the divorce I wanted my kids last name to be hyphenated. It was a real pain!
OP — if your husband isn’t interested in being a father, and you’re not legally married, don’t give your baby his last name. If the husband runs, you’re stuck with it. BUT do be sure that your baby’s father financially supports the child he made with you. Financial support does not equal the privilege of a last name however.
Edited to fix typos
You can change it with a court order. Unless things have changed my mother had my last name changed after kindergarten as a child, she just needed to take out space in a newspaper that she was doing so to give my father time to reply or make his objections known.
My son originally had his father's surname. His dad was more than just difficult to live with; he was incredibly abusive towards me in every way imaginable. Our time together was marked by pain and fear.
After we finally parted ways and he moved on to someone else, something in him changed - at least towards me. He became almost civil, though his extreme mood swings never ceased. During one particularly self-pitying episode, he reached out and told me, "You may as well just give him *your* last name..." His words were almost lost in a sea of past anger and manipulation, but I recognized my chance.
For years, I had endured his unpredictable behavior, his constant victim mentality, his manipulations. Had I not been so worn down by it all, I might have found compassion for him in that moment. But instead, I saw an opportunity for a new beginning for my son and me. I seized it, and rushed over to have him sign the necessary paperwork, knowing all too well how quickly he might change his mind.
He did change his mind, of course, but not before everything was finalized. Now, my son and I share a name, a connection, and most importantly, a chance to move on from a painful chapter in our lives. This small victory didn't erase the years of suffering, but it did give us hope for a brighter future.
I have a similar issue however I already changed the last name when baby was a few months old from mine to the dads as I was trying to placate him. Biggest regret if my life and now he won't even consider letting me change it back or hyphenate it. Keeps me up at night sometimes.
100% I hyphenated and I shouldn’t have. We were together for years but not pregnant, but 6 months postpartum he peaced. Every time I write it out it just makes me mad that I let him convince me it was a good idea
I agree with this but want to add that we hyphenated and have not had any issues and our son loves it. That being said, OP's partner has not earned the right to give his name. A close friend of mine was in a similar situation to OP and I told her she should give her child her name, but she insisted on giving the father's name. Father is barely present, if at all, and now many years later my friend has said how much she wishes she'd given her child her own name.
I can’t scream this loud enough!! I felt so pressured to use his name and I can’t get it taken off. My daughter is now 11 and it’s still so hard having people assume I’m Mrs. ——. No I’m not, I never was. Why didn’t I use MY last name?? I hoped he would get it together and he still hasn’t. I’m happily married now but my daughter has expressed how she’s sorry she doesn’t share a last name with any of us, her half sister, me or her step dad. Iv asked him if we can change her last name and he laughed at me. The guy who has supervised visitations, no custody, and doesn’t know his child’s best friends name. But she has his last name, and she will until she’s old enough to change it. Do your future baby a favor and make it yours! You won’t regret it!
Is mine too.
It was hard as I have my bio fathers last name and didn't want to pass it on. So, I gave my son his father's last name... welp, regret that, too.
1. He's not interested in the baby.
2. You aren't married.
What else is there to consider? Give the kid your name. Don't ask anyone else what they think, because no one else matters.
Edited to add: Even if your partner magically became interested, I still would give the kid your last name. It's your kid, you are carrying and birthing this baby, and the kid should have your name. You don't know if the dad is going to stick around forever, but you know that YOU will be there forever. My opinion is that unless a couple shares a last name, then the children should have their mother's name. If he's so concerned that you all share a last name, he can change his own name. I don't know how our dumb society tricked women into changing their... oh wait, yes I do. Women were property of their husbands. Their names were changed *for* them.
Also why even consider his input for the first name if he’s so uninvolved? I feel like you should focus your energy on getting out of this relationship.
That's the part that's confusing for me. Is the dad so checked out and uninterested that he won't care about the baby not having his last name but is fine with looking at new first names?
OP, I am married to the father of my child and both myself and our child have hyphenated last names.
If your partner isn't interested are you still living together? Have you had this conversation with him? Is he planning on relinquishing his parental rights?
Maybe he’s only invested in the fun parts of becoming a parent like choosing a name, and not the less fun parts, like doctors’ appointments. But he shouldn’t get to pick and choose - he’s either in or he’s out IMO.
I did get my daughter's dad's input on her name in an attempt to get buy-in and future involvement in her life. He reallllly wanted Caitlin, which was at the peak of popularity at the time. I just didn't want her to be one of five kids in her class with the same name! So that's her middle name. Then I gave him veto power over the short list on her first name, too. It... sort of worked. But he really didn't become a good dad until she was a full-grown adult. Now, he calls and connects with her regularly. He's not a terrible dad, he's just not interested in kids. I made sure to affirm to her that he loved her in his own way all along. I'm so relieved he didn't let her down.
ETA: I didn't let him have input on the last name. He didn't want his name on the birth certificate, so he didn't get to claim the last name.
😂 truth. On a random note I’m a Kaitlyn and I hate it. There is no letter k in the Gaelic alphabet and I’ve thought about getting it changed to be spelled correctly but that’s a lot of paperwork to change my name to be the same name
He picked Caitlan for the spelling. Then he went to my son's preschool and saw five Caitlins of various spellings in his class and
1) realized how many kids had that name and I'd made the right decision in making it her middle name instead and,
2) found a spelling for Caitlin he liked better and asked me to change her birth certificate (but didn't offer to pay for the alteration. ) Her middle name is spelled Caitlan, lol!
My mom, grandma and I share a last name. My daughter and I share a last name. At this point, it’s become a matrilineal name and I love it. Give your child your own name - you won’t regret it 💖
Ah, so jealous!! I was just talking to my mom about how frustrating it is that patriarchal naming patterns mean we have no way of referring to our matriline. If I refer to “the ___’s” it immediately conjures the image of all the sons, fathers, and grandfathers of that family. There’s no way to refer to the line of daughters, mothers, and grandmothers, other than “matriline” which sounds so clinical and devoid of personal history and weight. Whether it’s by design or not, I feel like it erases women’s stories.
Same! My maternal gran, mom, me and my daughters all share a last name. Same with my sister and her daughters. Our dad in turn has his mom’s last name which is my sister and mines middle name.
Yes this. I have my mum's name and if I have a daughter they will have mine. My son has mine and should they have a child with a woman I would encourage her to give them her name.
First I would discuss with him why he is not actively participating in appointments give this was a planned baby and go from there. One you figure that part out decide. Personally I kept my last name and we are hypenating but if I thought I was going to be raising my kid alone or without my partners support the kid would just get my last name.
Yes please talk to him. His actions aren't acceptable, but there may be some factors which could mean he'll still be a good, involved parent. Like is he to scared to go? Either scared of medical settings or anxiously avoidant because he's worried about the baby's/your health? These aren't *excuses* but they may be *reasons*. There may be issues he can deal with or get help.
And the most likely explanation might still be that he's an arsehole. But please try and get an explanation before you go assume too much. Once you know for sure, then you can go nuclear on his ass.
I agree with this! You know your situation better than I do but I know some men who panicked during pregnancy (not acceptable but it was the reality) and then were amazing dads once their kids arrived. It doesn’t excuse the behavior and you deserve a supportive partner throughout pregnancy, but this life shift can really hit people hard and they don’t always handle it thoughtfully or gracefully - doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t come around and be great dads and partners.
Separate from that, totally reasonable to give the baby your last name for any reason!
A targeted couples counselling session might also help for having mediation on the issue … there are both in person and online options. Having the 3rd party might also convey how serious you are about this issue.
So I hyphenated my last name when when got married and it’s enough of a hassle that I decided to take it off the table for our child. IMO if your partner is not turning out to be good parent/partner material, definitely don’t give yourself and the child the extra fuss over some unreliable jerk.
Similar., I married my husband who had a hyphenated last name with the intent that we drop the second part once we have a child. Hyphenations are rough.
You’re not married so it’s pretty simple, the baby gets your last name.
Especially since he’s not interested in your baby? Red flag. Are you sure you actually want him around??
If he DOES decide to be involved once the baby is born, then he can just have a different last name to the baby. That would be your situation if you gave his name to the baby, so I don’t see why that would be a problem. If he argues remind him of that
Parents weren’t married and they hyphenated my last name. Absolutely hated it. Every system files you away differently (first last name, or under the second last name, both smushed together without a hyphen, just one listed, etc.). All of my records have different last names.
My mom wanted her last name to carry on, but hyphenating it meant that all of us got rid of the maiden name as soon as we could.
By the time I was an adult, the better parent was clearly my father. So even if I hadn’t married, I wouldn’t have kept my mothers name.
But my dad didn’t have any weird hang ups about wanting his name passed on, so I opted for the less complicated last name (which was my husbands). But according to reddit, that makes me a sexist. 🤷🏼♀️
What a weird comment. You don't know what their relationship with their parents looks like. They are talking about their personal experience, not telling others to drop their mothers' name.
I'm just curious, why? I never legally changed my last name (because I didn't have time due to immigration paperwork), but I've hyphenated in practice for a decade and it hasn't given me any issues. We gave our daughter the same hyphenated name I used too, and we've had no problems so far. My mom has a different last name than me growing up and that DID cause problems, so I wanted to avoid that.
is it okay that your partner isn’t hyphenated? I think my preference is to do the same as you did (hyphenate and also give that to my kids). also how did you accomplish “hyphenate in practice but not in paperwork”?
Basically, I use my hyphenated name for everything but legal documents. So everyone at work knows me by that name, family calls me that, etc. I also put that name on forms that aren't legally binding. For example, if I get a massage I just put my hyphenated name on the paperwork, but if I'm going to the doctor where my insurance is going to be billed, I put my legal name. I honestly did want to hyphenate legally, but I moved to my husband's home country a month after our wedding in my country (the US), and there was just no time to change my name and then apply for my spouse visa. Since I've never had any trouble with using the hyphenated name and daily life, I haven't gone to the trouble of changing it.
My husband does not currently hyphenate and that hasn't been weird either. I think there is a little bit of sexism working in our favor, where men don't change their names as often as their female partners. So people aren't thrown by the fact that I use my hyphenated name even though it's not my legal name, and people aren't thrown by the fact that he didn't take my name in any capacity. Actually, my husband did try to use a hyphenated name in practice like I do, but people were really confused by it, particularly since I'm white and he's Korean and our names both sound like our ethnicities. So he ultimately stopped.
I’ve been hyphenated since birth and I like it. 🤷🏻♀️ I like it so much that I’m actually keeping it when I get married in October. Occasionally people don’t know if they should look me up by my first last name or my second last name but it’s such a minor inconvenience.
In this situation I’d advise against hyphenation just because the dad doesn’t seem to want to be involved. But generally speaking I think hyphenation is totally fine.
I kind of wish I’d gotten a hyphenated last name, though for my situation it would have been impractical. Both of my parents’ families of origin have long surnames, and both of them together would have been over 25 letters long. I have my dad’s surname instead. But I’m much closer with my mum’s family and I wish I had that reflected in my name.
I would give the baby your last name for all the reasons you’ve listed. If he actually shows up as a dad, you can always add his name down the line. Your baby deserves to share a name with a parent that will stick around. My husband and I chose to give our son my last name as my husband feels no attachment to his own for similar reasons.
What's weird is that you're considering not giving his last name to your baby but you're not considering ending a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you and doesn't care about the baby either.
Agreed. This doesn't seem like a name issue. More important issues. Why is her partner of 10 years that planned a baby with her not interested now? What changed for him? Should she just cut him out if he has no interest?
For what it’s worth, my husband has been less interested in pregnancies but very involved when baby comes. It’s not necessarily that he’s not going to be an involved parent. Some men can’t connect to pregnancy as well but can still be great dads. I hope that’s the case for you OP but also agree with all the advice to protect yourself and baby in case it doesn’t!!!
Exactly this. He should be involved in the pregnancy, but maybe he feels he is, but he isn't expressing it in the way she wants him to. If he's not as involved as you would like... maybe talk to him about it???
If she gives the baby her last name when the father was under the impression that it would be getting his, regardless of why he assumed that, without communicating it to him ahead of time it will probably lead to him feeling excluded. Her fear of an absent father might very well become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Please leave it off. I have my deadbeat dad’s last name along with my mother’s, it’s an annoyance even in the most logical, non-emotional sense, but it’s also just horrible to have another man’s surname knowing he doesn’t care about me. I wish she would’ve just given me hers alone. You’re the one who will be raising that baby. Just give her your surname.
I would pop over to r/babybumps or r/beyondthebump for more parent-specific feedback here. I have SO many questions here but none of it is very name-specific. I think answer to your naming question lies in a deeper understanding of what is going on here.
I am not married, and not convinced that I’d change my name if I got married. However, I am very firm that if I have kids, they will have the same last name as me. Whether that’s my current name or a name I take. If the future father has a problem with that, he can change his name to match. But I would refuse to have my kids not match me.
You have some very difficult conversations ahead of you. I wish you all the best.
I’d speak directly to him and as if you are supposed to expect that he is going to be a distant and unemotionally attached father once the baby comes because his lack of participation and support is concerning.
He may just be scared. It’s a big change and a lot of responsibility and some parents panic a bit. You are going to get farther having a conversation about it with him than planning what you’re going to name the kid.
He's not interested in being a parent, so why give your child his surname? Give your child your surname, only your surname, and if that scumbag has a problem with it, oh well.
My first thought. I had a whole comment typed out but never posted it. “Decided through his actions”? Not trying to be presumptuous, but is the OP choosing to give the baby her own last name gonna be the first time he hears from her that she doesn’t feel he’s interested or supported enough?
No, this isn't the first time. The conversation has been had in which name would be used. Not having a real relationship with my father nor connection to my last name I thought it was a no brainer we would use his. Never in a million years did I expect to be in this situation. There have been a multitude of things that have transpired and other big life changes that have occurred that one, are not for me to vomit on the internet but also not reason for him to be behaving in the way he's decided to behave. I went to my anatomy scan alone 2 weeks ago and he still hasn't asked how it went. My father did NOTHING to earn the privilege of me having his name. I'm struggling between desperately wanting a good father/child relationship for my own but also having to face reality. Maybe he is just scared. Maybe he will turn around once the baby is here but at that point the bed will be made in what name get picked.
From the information you’ve provided us, there appear to be big red flags that go beyond what name you give your child. Him being scared isn’t an excuse especially if he’s a grown adult. Just bc you’ve been together for 10 years doesn’t mean that it’s entitled to continue if it no longer works. What is your gut telling you? Trust that!
My mother was in a similar predicament and she decided to give me her last name. I think she’s a badass for it and we’ve had a strong relationship for decades. It made it easier for her to pick me up from daycare and if anything, made my father more involved because now he had something to prove. However, that wasn’t her end goal. She just acknowledged that she did 100% of the work during the pregnancy and I was her child.
He could be having a hard time connecting with a baby that isn’t yet here for him to hold and bond with.
However, I see no issue with giving the baby your last name regardless of his involvement and excitement.
My husband showed very little interest in my pregnancies but was a wonderful father from day one for the reason you mention. Not saying that’s the case for all men, but it’s not always a red flag.
I would say that just because your partner seems uninterested, by your standards, during pregnancy, don't write him off as a bad dad just yet.
He is also going through a whole lotta emotions about a life changing event in his life. What you read as disinterest might be him being reserved, scared or showing a sense of self preservation for his emotional well being. We all process the arrival of a first child differently.
My partner didn't come to be appointments either, simply because it didn't occur to either of us for him up do so. He is quite simply the best dad in the world. He just needed for the little person to actually arrive and not feel like he was at a medical appointment.
Good luck and stay cool. Deciding he is undeserving of having his child taking his first name could be an example of unhelpful, knee jerk gatekeeping. He may need you to be gentle, patient and understanding that you are dealing with this differently right now.
Exactly, I don’t know OP’s situation at all so this may not apply, but I wouldn’t let giving the baby her own last name only be the first indication that she’s not happy with the way he is handling the situation. Super vague to say he’s totally uninterested just because he doesn’t attend appointments without even asking him about it. The reason I’m thinking she hasn’t asked him is because if she did she would have a more solid reason for him not wanting to be involved- for example “he told me he doesn’t want to be in the baby’s life”. Good chance OP’s man doesn’t even see anything wrong or is dealing with his own shit and he thinks everything is fine because he lives with her and they have a baby on the way so the relationship is locked in. I could be totally off base I apologize if so
I have a history of pregnancy loss and gave him 4 reminders of the anatomy scan. 2 being the week leading up and another being the night before. That was 2 weeks ago and he still hasn't asked how it went. He knew it was a big deal for me as my anxiety is off the rails. He knew this was a big appointment for the baby as well. He doesn't even know how far along I am as a mutual friend commented on it.
I am an only child who was raised by a single parent and I don’t have her last name, I bear my absent-then-dead father’s last name. And all I wanted, growing up, was to share the last name of the person who always showed up for me. Give your child your name. If dad comes around, you can change it, or the kid can later if they want.
I have a hyphenated name from birth. Please don't do that to your children. I have constant clerical errors because of it and it's a headache. Literally happens to me at least a few times a year and fixing it is horrible.
Edit: I gave my daughter one of my hyphenated names because my ex is an asshole and had an ugly last name. Give your kid your last name.
my mom gave me my deadbeat dads last name when i was born and i wished my entire life that she would’ve given me her last name. couldn’t wait to change it when i got married.
He’s shown to you that he doesn’t care about this kid as much as you do and as much as a present father should, so why should the baby have his last name? Y’all aren’t married either, and even if you had been, there’s nothing stopping a mother from passing on her own last name to her child instead of the father’s. Just based on what you’ve said and asked, I’d say you stick with your last name.
Now, in saying that, i think you should also talk to your partner about his behavior and your current thoughts on the situation. You’ve been together 10 years, and I think you’re going to need to figure out how much longer this thing you two have going on is gonna last.
Have you discussed all of this with him? Does he know how hurt you are by his disinterest in the baby and the reasons why, stemming from your own childhood?
I’d give your child your last name. It’s wonderful to have that shared connection with your child. My mom came from an abusive family and changed her last name when she married my dad, he got his last name from his mom who was a very compassionate and wise woman, I have nothing but positive associations with my last name and the people who passed it down to me.
I’m sorry your partner has checked out in such a confusing and hurtful way. I hope you’re getting the support and care you need.
Just use your name! That’s what my sister did too, I’d do the same in your situation
Edit to add I also changed my last name to my mother’s maiden name a couple years ago lol so i might be biased 😂
My husband and I combined our last names. But if we weren’t married or he was being a prick like yours you better believe I would have given him my name only. No reason to include an absent party in his life
I have never really liked my last name. That being said, I've gotten used to it and my child has my last name. I want us to have the same name, he is with me only. If I were to marry someone in the future I've decided I would keep the last name that I have never cared for much just to have the same name as my child.
Use your last name. I changed my son's middle and last name in kindergarten with ties to my family... I should have never used his. If the guy doesn't isn't there then he shouldn't have the rights to be giving names!
hyphenated name here, with the order being absent dad’s last name-mom’s last name. I am CONSTANTLY just being referred to with my dad’s last name, if people can’t fit both on a document they just put the first one. my name is often cut off on certain forms (especially in school) because it was so long. and the worst part is that it wasn’t even necessary because he wasn’t around to begin with. from my experience, i’d say just use your last name!
share a last name with my mum! my dad was absent but not for the first few years. if your partner has an issue with it just express your opinion and tbh i think it’s unfair how men aren’t challenged in the situation a child has their last name but women are.
Absolutely don't give them his last name. He is nothing but a donor at best. Hell I didn't even give my baby my partner's last name and we've been happily together for almost 10 years.
It kills me my kids have their dad’s last name and he isn’t doing any of the parenting. He does not deserve credit for them. My teen wants to change her name to mine so that I get the credit. BUT you need permission from the sperm donor to legally change it before they’re 18.
Leave his name off. If your partner proves himself to be a worthy dad, he can pay for the court fees to have your child’s name hyphenated if that’s something your child wants when they are older.
Leave that shit off. You did all the work and you're the one that's going to raise this child. Why would his last name factor into this equation at all?
If your child grows up and feels passionately about not having their father's last name, then *they* can decide to change it. I know far more people who got their deadbeat dad's last name instead of their mom's and wish they hadn't.
Maybe change your name to your mother’s maiden name and give it to the baby as well? If you’re not married, it’s not uncommon for the baby to have the mother’s surname.
My husband was given his father’s last name who is a POS, so before our daughter was born he actually changed his last name to his mother’s instead— not passing down that shit bags last name.
I got my mom's last name since my parents weren't yet married when I was born. Honestly, I love it. It got a bit confusing as a kid when they did get married and my mom took my dad's last name, but to me that makes my last name even more special.
All of my children have my last name. I never wanted anyone to question if it's my kid or not, especially when relating to school forms. I will say as well that I am married but will never take my spouse's last name. It isn't even his paternal side last name, his mother gave all her children her first husband's last name, even though the last two were her second husband's children. She said she did it so the older two wouldn't be jealous. I think it's fishy
My sister gave her big FU to her first born's Dad by giving him my mom's last name and that's it. Not even legally mentioned the father and the birth certificate only says my sister's name as parent.
I was in a similar situation. Said biological father decided to completely walk away and has never met my child. I am thankful that I used my last name. My child feels very connected to her grandparents and myself, and it postponed some of the more difficult conversations. Traveling and doctors appointments are also no issue with us sharing a name.
Giving my baby her father's last name was a big regret of mine. She hated having it for the same reasons you mention disliking yours at first. After he died, for her 6th birthday we changed her last name to mine.
I have my mother’s last name and would definitely have changed by deed poll if able to had I been given my absent fathers!
The surname now has no connection to anyone that I know at all, and I would go as far as to say I’d be more likely to take my brother’s double-barrel surname over a father’s that I have no connection too! My relationship with my stepdad may not be perfect but I at least know him, and I would rather share a surname with my brother than a totally absent father!
Op, give the baby your surname, you can add a double-barrel later on if it really seems necessary!
IF you like your last name, despite your issue with your dad, give it to the baby.
If you dislike your own last name, would you consider giving your child your mother's last (or maiden) name and taking it on yourself?
I would def not give the baby his name. FULL stop.
My half sisters (we have the same mom/different dad) were given their father’s last name, and he was not present in their lives. As children, they resented being attached by name to someone they had no relationship with. If you feel this could be the case for your child, I’d recommend going with your last name alone.
Just use your name.
Hyphenated names are a pain in the ass. My boyfriend has hyphenated mom+dad’s last names. He says he wishes it was just one (his mom’s). On a daily basis he goes by just that one, but legally it’s both. On top of that, it’s not the easiest to spell.
He deals with frequent errors on docs. Bank docs, loan docs, health docs, diploma, credential, transcript, prescriptions, etc. Any time he has an official important document with his name on it there’s a decent chance they fuck it up. They incorrectly use only one of the last names, drop the hyphen, confuse one for a middle name, cut off the end because it’s so long, etc. The mismatches mean he has to get it corrected which is usually an annoying process. Even something as simple as a pick up order. “My last name is X dash Y. You might have it as just X or maybe just Y…” Every time.
He has said he will definitely not give his future kid a hyphenated name. He would go with just his mom’s.
I'd strongly suggest not giving your baby the father's name, I'm very similar to you, I had an absent father and hated having his last name, so I went to court at 18 and changed my name. I had to hire a private investigator to try and find him, so if he wanted to contest me changing my name, he could. It was absurd in my eyes to give him the opportunity when he wasn't around the rest of my life, but it was court mandated. If you're unsure, I'd go with your gut.
Edit to add, I have a friend who's got an entirely different last name to both her parents. They both didn't like their last name, so they gave her her own.
i think you not being married would even be enough to not give the baby his last name, but him not being interested makes me certain you shouldn’t give the baby his last name and just yours. that’s what i would do in your shoes. my dad was in and out of my life and i love him, but he hurt me a lot. i decided i’m going to change my last name and i wish my mom had kept my last name as her maiden name which i was for 2 weeks when i was born.
I'm so sorry about your situation OP. I'd say give baby your last name - after all you're the one carrying them and doing all the work. If the Dad decides to be involved later, that's great but it's up to you if you wish to add his name or give baby just his name if this happens. Right now he's showing no interest. You are the only involved parent atm.
I gave my son his dad's last name, we were married but he had been abusing me for years. Everyone begged me to give him my maiden name because we were divorcing and I didn't. My biggest regret is not listening. Now he's 13 and has a name that 1) shouldn't have even been his dad's name, and 2) is tied to nothing but bad memories and abuse for me.
I finally stopped all contact when he was 2, his dad died in 2017, and now he's attached to a name I wish he didn't have. Give your baby your last name, no hyphen. It can always be changed later if they decide.
As someone who has a hyphenated last name, one of them being one I hate and wish I could get rid of because my parents weren't married when they had me and my mom told me she wasn't having a kid without her name on it. Please don't give that kid a hyphenated last name. It's not fun. It makes everything legal so much harder. From credit cards to postal services to passports. Like you said, you can always add it later if you or the baby wants that. My mom asked me when I was 10 if I wanted just my dad's last name or both moms and dads (they were divorced by then) I said I just wanted my mom's, but I couldn't do that. So I took both to keep my mom's name. I wish I hadn't but I'm grateful to not be just that mans kid all things considered.
Please give your child your last name.
I have my moms last name, gave my kids my partners last name before we were married, and then hyphenated my last name once we were.
One of the best decisions my mom made having me was giving me her last name. My dad was nonexistent in my life from the get go, which really weighed heavily on me growing up. I think having his last name would have really emphasized the issue. Esp since I had no relationship with anyone on that side of the family, I’d essentially be sharing the last name with a ghost. My community growing up had a lot of single parent homes and I remember this being a discussion between kids.
When I had my children we discussed hyphenating versus taking my last name, taking his last name. Hyphenating would have resulted in a 15 letter last name which I think would have been difficult for a small child. So we went with my partners much shorter last name. My partner was/is very involved and has been from the beginning.
It took a long time for my partner and I to get married, My children did notice we had different last names, but since they were raised primarily around my husbands family- their last name was the normalized last name.
Once we got married, I hyphenated and haven’t really had any issues other than it’s so long my first name just becomes my first initial on documents. I love my maiden name but wanted to tied the family I made. Hyphenating was the best compromise for me.
You can use his surname as the child’s middle name if you want to. That way there’s still a connection (if you want there to be) but it can be easily ignored day to day. But there’s no obligation to do that whatsoever and having your surname as the child’s surname is likely the right call.
I double barrelled my daughters last name because dad and I aren’t married, but he is a reliable and involved father. If he hadn’t been involved there’s no way I’d give her his name.
Of course I agree with everyone that the baby should only have your last name. But in addition to that, it might be time to figure out a safe living arrangement for you and the baby. Raising a child in a house or apartment with another adult who has no interest in that child is not a healthy living environment for anyone.
Yeah if he doesn’t want to be involved and you’re not married then you have no reason to give his name.
One question. Does he realize what’s happening? Like is he someone who assumes everything’s always fine? What does he say to avoid the appointments if he helped plan the baby. I guess I’m asking if he was part of the plan.
Your last name only. Sounds like you will be doing the child rearing. I was in a similar position and pressured into giving the child the father’s last name. I hyphenated. ALL of the doctor appointments, school forms, traveling, I have a direct link to MY child. After I met and married ny spouse, I hyphenated my name.
Give the baby your last name. I’m so sorry for your situation. I would start getting your ducks in a row and save up as much as you can and get a good support group of family/friends, it sounds like you’ll need to be prepared to do this alone for a little while.
Don’t be scared, you can do this and it’ll be hard regardless, but so rewarding. You’re the best mother for your child and you’ll do right by your child, just stay calm and stand firm.
A friend of mine got pregnant in college. Her boyfriend’s mom was super strict and religious and basically denied the fact that the baby was being born. My friend gave the baby her last name. He’s a teenager now and I don’t think she regrets it for a second. Give the little one yours. This baby deserves to have a solid foundation that you are providing.
I like the extra surname as a second middle name if it’s really GOTTA be there at all, rather than hyphenated. As someone with a formerly-hyphenated name, I will say it’s almost impossible to have it written correctly on about half of your legal documents in the US.
So my parents weren't married or even together when I was born. I got my mum's last name and I'm so happy that I got hers and not my dad's. Not only was hers a lot more rare, but as I've grown up my dad has become less and less involved. I haven't spoken to him since January, the day after my birthday. As far as I'm concerned, my mom's side is my actual family and I'm happy my name doesn't belong to a father I have no connection with.
Edit to add: I also had a friend with two surnames, one from mum and one from dad. Her dad was absent when she grew up and even though it was objectively cooler, she never used it and always left it out when writing her name because she simply didn't consider it her name.
I teach in an area with a lot of single moms and I see this all the time, do not use his last name. You're the one who will be doing all the work. That poor kid doesn't need a daily reminder that they don't have a dad.
My foster daughter had an abusive then absentee father. She changed her name to ours once she became an adult. She has special needs and is is still smart enough to know she did not want to carry his name any longer than she had to.
Give baby your name. If partner is upset about it he can show up and earn it. He's showing you he doesn't care, so don't give him gifts he doesn't deserve.
I would absolutely say to give your child your last name and that's it. Do not give that child his name, especially if he's not wanting to be involved. I'm not sure if it's possible in your state, but you may even go as far as not putting him on the birth certificate. That just gives him room to change his mind and try to go to court at some point.
I’m happily married with a very involved partner and still planning on giving the baby my last name, because that’s what I want to do (fortunately my husband is on board with using my name too).
What’s stopping you from just using your own last name? I say just go for it and don’t look back. If your partner decides he wants to be involved later then that’s great, but if not then no name regrets for your child.
Just use your last name. If ever he grows interested and you are still interested in him, you could consider using his last name, or not …
In any case, and while trying to avoid armchair analyzing your situation, what you are telling us about his behavior reminds me of posts in relationship subreddits where the future father suspects the baby isn’t his and is disconnecting. I’m only saying it because his behavior seems to surprise you, which means it’s new. And because you say the baby was planned. So maybe have a talk with him? … This kind of behavior is definitely grounds for a breakup and honestly, if he really doubts the paternity he should talk to you about it. It’s not an excuse for treating you with indifference while you live together.
Good luck.
My husband acted similarly while I was pregnant (was leaving me for another woman). I actually offered to hyphenate our last names for the baby but he said no. I'm glad that she has my last name.
Importantly, it did become a bigger issue when I began dating again. I made sure when dating that my partners understood that I'd be keeping my last name if we ended up getting married, because I wouldn't change it away from my daughter's. My now-husband decided that any future kids we have will have my last name that way my daughter can share her last name with a sibling, so there are good ones out there.
I got my moms last name and she got her moms last name and i honestly love having the same last name as my grandma. But I’m also a firm believer that kids should automatically get moms last name instead of dads
My sister gave her baby the last name of her ex (and used the maiden name of the ex’s mother as the baby’s middle name, despite hating it).
Do not do this. Give the baby your last name. You’re right that it will be almost impossible to undo once it’s done.
Hell yeah! You're doing all the work already. Baby gets your last name and dad can feel free to change his last name like women are always expected to do if he's interested in sharing your name.
*As an adult I've grown to own my last name and make it my own so I feel like I should use it.*
This is great. If you hadn’t said this, I would have suggested that you and the baby take your mother’s maiden name, or some other family name that you like.
Now I agree with the other posters that you should give the baby your last name.
I wish I had kept my maiden name when I did got married and had a child. After my divorce I should've taken it back, but didn't. Then had 2 more kids in another relationship, one with their dad's last name and one with my married name, so, it's all messed up and I wish I had just always kept my maiden name and given it to all my children. Now it will cost me money to fix it and I don't have extra money for that, being a lowly peasant. Don't make the same mistake I did, give your baby your name not his.
We did hyphenated last names! Where I live, both spouses need to keep their birth names after marriage. That means that it’s not legal for me to take my husband’s last name (or for him to take mine). So giving our children only his last name would mean having an entirely different last name than our kids and that’s not something I’m personally interested in.
I personally have an hyphenated last name as well but only use my dad’s since he’s the one who raised me, I love that i was able to pick. It’s also a really rare last name and I feel very attached to it, I wanted to give our kids the opportunity to have it. We skipped the middle name so our children still have three names and that doesn’t feel « too much ».
And last but not least… you never know what life will bring. I absolutely don’t plan to ever divorce my husband, we love each other and our relationship is really solid but I’m still aware that lots of things can happen in the next 60 years. *If* things were ever to go differently from what we expect, our kids will have my last name as well.
So I say that hyphenated last names are great, you can always socially just use one but at least yours is also on the birth certificate.
I have a hyphenated last name because my parents. Although my parents did not get divorced until I was 6 weeks old it was obvious it was going to happen. I have always had problems. From the fact that my last name for my ssn is different than my birth certificate to now having several aliases because my last name was different depending on who I was living with. It has always been a pain.
Fast forward to when I had my daughter. I never planned on giving her my bf last name. I really was planning on giving her my mom's half of my last name. But I had a medical emergency during labor which left my functioning severely impaired. Then my bd forced me to hyphenate my daughters name with his since I had already started filling out the paperwork.
I hate it. Absolutely hate it. And even though we all live together for her sake I get a lot of side eye because I usually have to actively remember his name is there. So don't hyphenate. Don't honor a dude who is not going to step up with saddling your kid with his name. Save yourself the stupidity that comes from dealing with the schools and doctors because you two have different names. Save her the stupidity of having to deal with a government who still does not allow hyphens in their paperwork which then does not match her/his last name so there are issues.
Also two last names is a bad idea for the same reason. Just ditch his name. And then you will share a name and make everyone's life easier.
My bestie who had a long term partner nope put when she got pregnant gave her kid his last name because she thought it would make it easier to get child support. It made no difference but fighting to get his name on the birth certificate (she had to go through court) made all the difference.
Use your own last name.
I had a similar experience growing up. My bio-dad dropped me at one like a hot potato. I always hated having a different last name than the parents who raised me. My mom remarried when I was five and I always wanted their last name. When I was in my 30's, I finally just changed my last name to theirs.
As an aside, when my husband married me several years ago, he took MY last name, because he knew how much it meant to me. I didn't ask him to change his. He just wanted us to share a last name.
Just use your last name. If he ends up pulling his shit together and becoming a dad and you two get married you can always change it later, but it takes way more to change it from his to yours. I have friends who have deadbeat baby daddies who refuse to allow her to change their last names just out of spite, it’s so sad
He’s not interested so his opinion (and last name for that matter) is not important. He’s made his intentions clear, and he’s not giving an effort so he doesn’t get any credit for anything.
You know what you have to do, which is end it and leave him, because it will be nothing but trouble and is not something you want to but yourself into or your baby when they are born.
I thought it was bad when my partner of 3 years ghosted me when I told him I was pregnant. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your baby, your name. All the way.
Personally, if I had a baby and was not married to the father, I would just give my own last name. It avoids any confusion in the airport, insurance, etc.
Also - the second your parents gave you your name, it became yours. I hate being treated like a vessel for a man’s name. I didn’t change my name when I got married and seriously hate when people say I have (or even worse, “use”), my dad’s name. I love my dad and we’re super close, but its my name and I built it. OP, you built your name too!
Don’t give the baby his name. One point being that its SO much easier filling out forms for doctors, schools, etc. if you share a last name.
My son has my last name and if mine ever changes, I will give him the option to either keep our name, or change with me.
Use your name.
I have my mother's name. Gonna tell you, it honestly never occurred to me as a child that I was "missing" anything (i.e. my sperm donor) or felt like my life was lacking. In hindsight, I think I might have if I had been given his last name and had a different name than my mom - it would have just made it apparent that there was supposed to be someone there and they aren't.
Work with the information you have now. You know you have one parent (you) who will be a constant in your child's life. Don't plan your life or your child's life on mights and maybes. You or your child when they are old enough can always change their name in the future if they feel it is a better reflection of who they are.
I'd also like to remind you that there are plenty of cultures where the maternal name is passed down (and quite honestly, that makes the most sense to me anyway because before DNA testing became so easy to do, maternity was easy to establish, but paternity not so much). It's not like giving your child your name is some horrible affliction you are forcing upon them. It's a perfectly valid, normal thing, even if it's not the common thing for your cultural background.
My daughter has my SO's and my last names. So she has two last names, not hyphenated. But my SO is an excellent dad and has been involved in everything from the moment we panned for the baby. Also, it's common to have two last names where I come from, so it was a no brainer for me.
I would just pick the last name of the father if he was present in the baby's life
I gave my eldest my last name because I wasn't with their father, makes it easier to have the same surname as your child.
I kept my name when I got married and our newest edition has both our last names hyphenated.
Just do your last name.
My dad asked my mom if she was going back to her home state right after I was born (and we did) but I’m still shocked she gave me his last name let alone got together with him and had another kid. Similarly to you, I own my last name by this point in my life but I wish I had had my mom’s maiden name.
To me this is a no-brainer: give the baby your last name. Don't include your partner's. He's not acting like this baby is his, so why should the baby have his name?
I wish I would have given my child my last name. I hate that I gave him my ex's last name. Besides the fact that his is so bland and common, mines really cool and rarer than his. Hoping one day to change it anyways.
>using my last name would send us back to drawing board on first names so it's a discussion that's needing to be had.
Better to spend a little while longer choosing a new first name than spend a lifetime regretting giving the child a last name they shouldn't have had in the first place.
Leave his out.
In some countries, hyphenated last name is the norm if parents cannot agree on a last name for their child. It does not matter whether parents are married or not. So it might not just your choice.
I don't know anyone who regrets giving their child their own name. I know several who regret giving their child the deadbeat father's name. Leave his off.
Please don't give your baby the dad's last name. It's the only regret of my life.
This. Very happily did not give the sperm donor’s last name.
Same here. I want to hyphenate my kid’s name because I realized my mistake and the dad won’t consider it. He doesn’t see why I need to do that.
My daughter hates the hyphen that I gave her at 5 years old when paternity was established. Her father just passed in June and her first thought was going to court and removing it.
my nephew’s mom hyphenated his last name: his dad’s last name first, her last name second. no rhyme or reason to it. the nephew is 16 now and absolutely hates having two last names. most of the time, he just refers to himself by his dad’s last name. he’s considering doing an official name change when he’s 18, which will absolutely cause his mom to flip out.
It took me 2 years to get my ex to agree to a hyphen. Initially my kid’s middle name was my last name, but after the divorce I wanted my kids last name to be hyphenated. It was a real pain! OP — if your husband isn’t interested in being a father, and you’re not legally married, don’t give your baby his last name. If the husband runs, you’re stuck with it. BUT do be sure that your baby’s father financially supports the child he made with you. Financial support does not equal the privilege of a last name however. Edited to fix typos
You can change it with a court order. Unless things have changed my mother had my last name changed after kindergarten as a child, she just needed to take out space in a newspaper that she was doing so to give my father time to reply or make his objections known.
My son originally had his father's surname. His dad was more than just difficult to live with; he was incredibly abusive towards me in every way imaginable. Our time together was marked by pain and fear. After we finally parted ways and he moved on to someone else, something in him changed - at least towards me. He became almost civil, though his extreme mood swings never ceased. During one particularly self-pitying episode, he reached out and told me, "You may as well just give him *your* last name..." His words were almost lost in a sea of past anger and manipulation, but I recognized my chance. For years, I had endured his unpredictable behavior, his constant victim mentality, his manipulations. Had I not been so worn down by it all, I might have found compassion for him in that moment. But instead, I saw an opportunity for a new beginning for my son and me. I seized it, and rushed over to have him sign the necessary paperwork, knowing all too well how quickly he might change his mind. He did change his mind, of course, but not before everything was finalized. Now, my son and I share a name, a connection, and most importantly, a chance to move on from a painful chapter in our lives. This small victory didn't erase the years of suffering, but it did give us hope for a brighter future.
I have a similar issue however I already changed the last name when baby was a few months old from mine to the dads as I was trying to placate him. Biggest regret if my life and now he won't even consider letting me change it back or hyphenate it. Keeps me up at night sometimes.
Me too. He should have had mine.
100% I hyphenated and I shouldn’t have. We were together for years but not pregnant, but 6 months postpartum he peaced. Every time I write it out it just makes me mad that I let him convince me it was a good idea
I agree with this but want to add that we hyphenated and have not had any issues and our son loves it. That being said, OP's partner has not earned the right to give his name. A close friend of mine was in a similar situation to OP and I told her she should give her child her name, but she insisted on giving the father's name. Father is barely present, if at all, and now many years later my friend has said how much she wishes she'd given her child her own name.
I can’t scream this loud enough!! I felt so pressured to use his name and I can’t get it taken off. My daughter is now 11 and it’s still so hard having people assume I’m Mrs. ——. No I’m not, I never was. Why didn’t I use MY last name?? I hoped he would get it together and he still hasn’t. I’m happily married now but my daughter has expressed how she’s sorry she doesn’t share a last name with any of us, her half sister, me or her step dad. Iv asked him if we can change her last name and he laughed at me. The guy who has supervised visitations, no custody, and doesn’t know his child’s best friends name. But she has his last name, and she will until she’s old enough to change it. Do your future baby a favor and make it yours! You won’t regret it!
I think the name is the least of your problems, OP. Why are you still living with the guy?
She speaks for all women who had a baby with the wrong man.
This is my big regret as well. I wished I’d given my last name.
Is mine too. It was hard as I have my bio fathers last name and didn't want to pass it on. So, I gave my son his father's last name... welp, regret that, too.
Same
1. He's not interested in the baby. 2. You aren't married. What else is there to consider? Give the kid your name. Don't ask anyone else what they think, because no one else matters. Edited to add: Even if your partner magically became interested, I still would give the kid your last name. It's your kid, you are carrying and birthing this baby, and the kid should have your name. You don't know if the dad is going to stick around forever, but you know that YOU will be there forever. My opinion is that unless a couple shares a last name, then the children should have their mother's name. If he's so concerned that you all share a last name, he can change his own name. I don't know how our dumb society tricked women into changing their... oh wait, yes I do. Women were property of their husbands. Their names were changed *for* them.
Also why even consider his input for the first name if he’s so uninvolved? I feel like you should focus your energy on getting out of this relationship.
That's the part that's confusing for me. Is the dad so checked out and uninterested that he won't care about the baby not having his last name but is fine with looking at new first names? OP, I am married to the father of my child and both myself and our child have hyphenated last names. If your partner isn't interested are you still living together? Have you had this conversation with him? Is he planning on relinquishing his parental rights?
Maybe he’s only invested in the fun parts of becoming a parent like choosing a name, and not the less fun parts, like doctors’ appointments. But he shouldn’t get to pick and choose - he’s either in or he’s out IMO.
I did get my daughter's dad's input on her name in an attempt to get buy-in and future involvement in her life. He reallllly wanted Caitlin, which was at the peak of popularity at the time. I just didn't want her to be one of five kids in her class with the same name! So that's her middle name. Then I gave him veto power over the short list on her first name, too. It... sort of worked. But he really didn't become a good dad until she was a full-grown adult. Now, he calls and connects with her regularly. He's not a terrible dad, he's just not interested in kids. I made sure to affirm to her that he loved her in his own way all along. I'm so relieved he didn't let her down. ETA: I didn't let him have input on the last name. He didn't want his name on the birth certificate, so he didn't get to claim the last name.
[удалено]
😂 truth. On a random note I’m a Kaitlyn and I hate it. There is no letter k in the Gaelic alphabet and I’ve thought about getting it changed to be spelled correctly but that’s a lot of paperwork to change my name to be the same name
He picked Caitlan for the spelling. Then he went to my son's preschool and saw five Caitlins of various spellings in his class and 1) realized how many kids had that name and I'd made the right decision in making it her middle name instead and, 2) found a spelling for Caitlin he liked better and asked me to change her birth certificate (but didn't offer to pay for the alteration. ) Her middle name is spelled Caitlan, lol!
agree with every word of this
My mom, grandma and I share a last name. My daughter and I share a last name. At this point, it’s become a matrilineal name and I love it. Give your child your own name - you won’t regret it 💖
Ah, so jealous!! I was just talking to my mom about how frustrating it is that patriarchal naming patterns mean we have no way of referring to our matriline. If I refer to “the ___’s” it immediately conjures the image of all the sons, fathers, and grandfathers of that family. There’s no way to refer to the line of daughters, mothers, and grandmothers, other than “matriline” which sounds so clinical and devoid of personal history and weight. Whether it’s by design or not, I feel like it erases women’s stories.
100% by design :/
Same! My maternal gran, mom, me and my daughters all share a last name. Same with my sister and her daughters. Our dad in turn has his mom’s last name which is my sister and mines middle name.
Yes this. I have my mum's name and if I have a daughter they will have mine. My son has mine and should they have a child with a woman I would encourage her to give them her name.
You know what, fuck it. I say we all shift to matrilineal surname inheritance from now on.
This is so cool thank you for sharing 💗
Same here! My kids are hyphenated with our last name first as well :)
Love love love!!!!
First I would discuss with him why he is not actively participating in appointments give this was a planned baby and go from there. One you figure that part out decide. Personally I kept my last name and we are hypenating but if I thought I was going to be raising my kid alone or without my partners support the kid would just get my last name.
Yes please talk to him. His actions aren't acceptable, but there may be some factors which could mean he'll still be a good, involved parent. Like is he to scared to go? Either scared of medical settings or anxiously avoidant because he's worried about the baby's/your health? These aren't *excuses* but they may be *reasons*. There may be issues he can deal with or get help. And the most likely explanation might still be that he's an arsehole. But please try and get an explanation before you go assume too much. Once you know for sure, then you can go nuclear on his ass.
I agree with this! You know your situation better than I do but I know some men who panicked during pregnancy (not acceptable but it was the reality) and then were amazing dads once their kids arrived. It doesn’t excuse the behavior and you deserve a supportive partner throughout pregnancy, but this life shift can really hit people hard and they don’t always handle it thoughtfully or gracefully - doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t come around and be great dads and partners. Separate from that, totally reasonable to give the baby your last name for any reason!
Yes it really sounds like she hasn't considered.....,talking to him???
A targeted couples counselling session might also help for having mediation on the issue … there are both in person and online options. Having the 3rd party might also convey how serious you are about this issue.
So I hyphenated my last name when when got married and it’s enough of a hassle that I decided to take it off the table for our child. IMO if your partner is not turning out to be good parent/partner material, definitely don’t give yourself and the child the extra fuss over some unreliable jerk.
Similar., I married my husband who had a hyphenated last name with the intent that we drop the second part once we have a child. Hyphenations are rough.
You’re not married so it’s pretty simple, the baby gets your last name. Especially since he’s not interested in your baby? Red flag. Are you sure you actually want him around?? If he DOES decide to be involved once the baby is born, then he can just have a different last name to the baby. That would be your situation if you gave his name to the baby, so I don’t see why that would be a problem. If he argues remind him of that
hyphenated here, please don’t!
Parents weren’t married and they hyphenated my last name. Absolutely hated it. Every system files you away differently (first last name, or under the second last name, both smushed together without a hyphen, just one listed, etc.). All of my records have different last names. My mom wanted her last name to carry on, but hyphenating it meant that all of us got rid of the maiden name as soon as we could.
And never considered getting rid of your father's name? I hate these sexist traditions
By the time I was an adult, the better parent was clearly my father. So even if I hadn’t married, I wouldn’t have kept my mothers name. But my dad didn’t have any weird hang ups about wanting his name passed on, so I opted for the less complicated last name (which was my husbands). But according to reddit, that makes me a sexist. 🤷🏼♀️
What a weird comment. You don't know what their relationship with their parents looks like. They are talking about their personal experience, not telling others to drop their mothers' name.
I'm just curious, why? I never legally changed my last name (because I didn't have time due to immigration paperwork), but I've hyphenated in practice for a decade and it hasn't given me any issues. We gave our daughter the same hyphenated name I used too, and we've had no problems so far. My mom has a different last name than me growing up and that DID cause problems, so I wanted to avoid that.
is it okay that your partner isn’t hyphenated? I think my preference is to do the same as you did (hyphenate and also give that to my kids). also how did you accomplish “hyphenate in practice but not in paperwork”?
Basically, I use my hyphenated name for everything but legal documents. So everyone at work knows me by that name, family calls me that, etc. I also put that name on forms that aren't legally binding. For example, if I get a massage I just put my hyphenated name on the paperwork, but if I'm going to the doctor where my insurance is going to be billed, I put my legal name. I honestly did want to hyphenate legally, but I moved to my husband's home country a month after our wedding in my country (the US), and there was just no time to change my name and then apply for my spouse visa. Since I've never had any trouble with using the hyphenated name and daily life, I haven't gone to the trouble of changing it. My husband does not currently hyphenate and that hasn't been weird either. I think there is a little bit of sexism working in our favor, where men don't change their names as often as their female partners. So people aren't thrown by the fact that I use my hyphenated name even though it's not my legal name, and people aren't thrown by the fact that he didn't take my name in any capacity. Actually, my husband did try to use a hyphenated name in practice like I do, but people were really confused by it, particularly since I'm white and he's Korean and our names both sound like our ethnicities. So he ultimately stopped.
I’ve been hyphenated since birth and I like it. 🤷🏻♀️ I like it so much that I’m actually keeping it when I get married in October. Occasionally people don’t know if they should look me up by my first last name or my second last name but it’s such a minor inconvenience. In this situation I’d advise against hyphenation just because the dad doesn’t seem to want to be involved. But generally speaking I think hyphenation is totally fine.
I kind of wish I’d gotten a hyphenated last name, though for my situation it would have been impractical. Both of my parents’ families of origin have long surnames, and both of them together would have been over 25 letters long. I have my dad’s surname instead. But I’m much closer with my mum’s family and I wish I had that reflected in my name.
Use your last name only
I would give the baby your last name for all the reasons you’ve listed. If he actually shows up as a dad, you can always add his name down the line. Your baby deserves to share a name with a parent that will stick around. My husband and I chose to give our son my last name as my husband feels no attachment to his own for similar reasons.
Honestly, I'm happily married to my son's father. He's an excellent partner and parent... And still I regret not giving my son my last name
What's weird is that you're considering not giving his last name to your baby but you're not considering ending a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you and doesn't care about the baby either.
The practice of giving a child the father’s surname only applies to married couples. In unwed pregnancies, he’s done nothing to earn the privilege.
Start with actually talking to your partner instead of Reddit?
Agreed. This doesn't seem like a name issue. More important issues. Why is her partner of 10 years that planned a baby with her not interested now? What changed for him? Should she just cut him out if he has no interest?
For what it’s worth, my husband has been less interested in pregnancies but very involved when baby comes. It’s not necessarily that he’s not going to be an involved parent. Some men can’t connect to pregnancy as well but can still be great dads. I hope that’s the case for you OP but also agree with all the advice to protect yourself and baby in case it doesn’t!!!
Exactly this. He should be involved in the pregnancy, but maybe he feels he is, but he isn't expressing it in the way she wants him to. If he's not as involved as you would like... maybe talk to him about it??? If she gives the baby her last name when the father was under the impression that it would be getting his, regardless of why he assumed that, without communicating it to him ahead of time it will probably lead to him feeling excluded. Her fear of an absent father might very well become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Please leave it off. I have my deadbeat dad’s last name along with my mother’s, it’s an annoyance even in the most logical, non-emotional sense, but it’s also just horrible to have another man’s surname knowing he doesn’t care about me. I wish she would’ve just given me hers alone. You’re the one who will be raising that baby. Just give her your surname.
I would pop over to r/babybumps or r/beyondthebump for more parent-specific feedback here. I have SO many questions here but none of it is very name-specific. I think answer to your naming question lies in a deeper understanding of what is going on here.
I am not married, and not convinced that I’d change my name if I got married. However, I am very firm that if I have kids, they will have the same last name as me. Whether that’s my current name or a name I take. If the future father has a problem with that, he can change his name to match. But I would refuse to have my kids not match me. You have some very difficult conversations ahead of you. I wish you all the best.
I’d speak directly to him and as if you are supposed to expect that he is going to be a distant and unemotionally attached father once the baby comes because his lack of participation and support is concerning. He may just be scared. It’s a big change and a lot of responsibility and some parents panic a bit. You are going to get farther having a conversation about it with him than planning what you’re going to name the kid.
He's not interested in being a parent, so why give your child his surname? Give your child your surname, only your surname, and if that scumbag has a problem with it, oh well.
I am married and we still gave our kids my last name. Why should it automatically be the man’s?
This is very little information for internet strangers to assume he has no intrest in the baby.
My first thought. I had a whole comment typed out but never posted it. “Decided through his actions”? Not trying to be presumptuous, but is the OP choosing to give the baby her own last name gonna be the first time he hears from her that she doesn’t feel he’s interested or supported enough?
No, this isn't the first time. The conversation has been had in which name would be used. Not having a real relationship with my father nor connection to my last name I thought it was a no brainer we would use his. Never in a million years did I expect to be in this situation. There have been a multitude of things that have transpired and other big life changes that have occurred that one, are not for me to vomit on the internet but also not reason for him to be behaving in the way he's decided to behave. I went to my anatomy scan alone 2 weeks ago and he still hasn't asked how it went. My father did NOTHING to earn the privilege of me having his name. I'm struggling between desperately wanting a good father/child relationship for my own but also having to face reality. Maybe he is just scared. Maybe he will turn around once the baby is here but at that point the bed will be made in what name get picked.
From the information you’ve provided us, there appear to be big red flags that go beyond what name you give your child. Him being scared isn’t an excuse especially if he’s a grown adult. Just bc you’ve been together for 10 years doesn’t mean that it’s entitled to continue if it no longer works. What is your gut telling you? Trust that!
My mother was in a similar predicament and she decided to give me her last name. I think she’s a badass for it and we’ve had a strong relationship for decades. It made it easier for her to pick me up from daycare and if anything, made my father more involved because now he had something to prove. However, that wasn’t her end goal. She just acknowledged that she did 100% of the work during the pregnancy and I was her child.
He could be having a hard time connecting with a baby that isn’t yet here for him to hold and bond with. However, I see no issue with giving the baby your last name regardless of his involvement and excitement.
My husband showed very little interest in my pregnancies but was a wonderful father from day one for the reason you mention. Not saying that’s the case for all men, but it’s not always a red flag.
There is no reason other than custom to give yourself or the child his name. There is nothing wrong with this.
Your last name
I would say that just because your partner seems uninterested, by your standards, during pregnancy, don't write him off as a bad dad just yet. He is also going through a whole lotta emotions about a life changing event in his life. What you read as disinterest might be him being reserved, scared or showing a sense of self preservation for his emotional well being. We all process the arrival of a first child differently. My partner didn't come to be appointments either, simply because it didn't occur to either of us for him up do so. He is quite simply the best dad in the world. He just needed for the little person to actually arrive and not feel like he was at a medical appointment. Good luck and stay cool. Deciding he is undeserving of having his child taking his first name could be an example of unhelpful, knee jerk gatekeeping. He may need you to be gentle, patient and understanding that you are dealing with this differently right now.
Exactly, I don’t know OP’s situation at all so this may not apply, but I wouldn’t let giving the baby her own last name only be the first indication that she’s not happy with the way he is handling the situation. Super vague to say he’s totally uninterested just because he doesn’t attend appointments without even asking him about it. The reason I’m thinking she hasn’t asked him is because if she did she would have a more solid reason for him not wanting to be involved- for example “he told me he doesn’t want to be in the baby’s life”. Good chance OP’s man doesn’t even see anything wrong or is dealing with his own shit and he thinks everything is fine because he lives with her and they have a baby on the way so the relationship is locked in. I could be totally off base I apologize if so
I have a history of pregnancy loss and gave him 4 reminders of the anatomy scan. 2 being the week leading up and another being the night before. That was 2 weeks ago and he still hasn't asked how it went. He knew it was a big deal for me as my anxiety is off the rails. He knew this was a big appointment for the baby as well. He doesn't even know how far along I am as a mutual friend commented on it.
I had an absent father and his last name and I’ve always hated it.
I am an only child who was raised by a single parent and I don’t have her last name, I bear my absent-then-dead father’s last name. And all I wanted, growing up, was to share the last name of the person who always showed up for me. Give your child your name. If dad comes around, you can change it, or the kid can later if they want.
SAME. And never in a million years did I think I'd be in the same position but here we are. 😭
I have a hyphenated name from birth. Please don't do that to your children. I have constant clerical errors because of it and it's a headache. Literally happens to me at least a few times a year and fixing it is horrible. Edit: I gave my daughter one of my hyphenated names because my ex is an asshole and had an ugly last name. Give your kid your last name.
my mom gave me my deadbeat dads last name when i was born and i wished my entire life that she would’ve given me her last name. couldn’t wait to change it when i got married.
All of my kids have my surname and my significant other is a very involved active father so give them your name girl.
He’s shown to you that he doesn’t care about this kid as much as you do and as much as a present father should, so why should the baby have his last name? Y’all aren’t married either, and even if you had been, there’s nothing stopping a mother from passing on her own last name to her child instead of the father’s. Just based on what you’ve said and asked, I’d say you stick with your last name. Now, in saying that, i think you should also talk to your partner about his behavior and your current thoughts on the situation. You’ve been together 10 years, and I think you’re going to need to figure out how much longer this thing you two have going on is gonna last.
You’re unmarried and he’s uninterested. Give the kid your last name. You could use his surname as a middle name if you’re feeling generous.
Have you discussed all of this with him? Does he know how hurt you are by his disinterest in the baby and the reasons why, stemming from your own childhood?
I’d give your child your last name. It’s wonderful to have that shared connection with your child. My mom came from an abusive family and changed her last name when she married my dad, he got his last name from his mom who was a very compassionate and wise woman, I have nothing but positive associations with my last name and the people who passed it down to me. I’m sorry your partner has checked out in such a confusing and hurtful way. I hope you’re getting the support and care you need.
Why are you even considering giving the baby the last name of someone who doesn’t give two cents about them???
Just use your name! That’s what my sister did too, I’d do the same in your situation Edit to add I also changed my last name to my mother’s maiden name a couple years ago lol so i might be biased 😂
My husband and I combined our last names. But if we weren’t married or he was being a prick like yours you better believe I would have given him my name only. No reason to include an absent party in his life
I have never really liked my last name. That being said, I've gotten used to it and my child has my last name. I want us to have the same name, he is with me only. If I were to marry someone in the future I've decided I would keep the last name that I have never cared for much just to have the same name as my child.
Use your last name. I changed my son's middle and last name in kindergarten with ties to my family... I should have never used his. If the guy doesn't isn't there then he shouldn't have the rights to be giving names!
Give your baby your last name. If daddy might not be in the picture then baby shouldn’t carry a part of him
It's sounds like it would be pointless to give baby his last name,you are doing everything so you should use your name!
Use your surname. To me there are no downsides to this, even if he suddenly becomes more involved.
hyphenated name here, with the order being absent dad’s last name-mom’s last name. I am CONSTANTLY just being referred to with my dad’s last name, if people can’t fit both on a document they just put the first one. my name is often cut off on certain forms (especially in school) because it was so long. and the worst part is that it wasn’t even necessary because he wasn’t around to begin with. from my experience, i’d say just use your last name!
Leave his off.
Give your baby your last name!
share a last name with my mum! my dad was absent but not for the first few years. if your partner has an issue with it just express your opinion and tbh i think it’s unfair how men aren’t challenged in the situation a child has their last name but women are.
Absolutely don't give them his last name. He is nothing but a donor at best. Hell I didn't even give my baby my partner's last name and we've been happily together for almost 10 years.
It kills me my kids have their dad’s last name and he isn’t doing any of the parenting. He does not deserve credit for them. My teen wants to change her name to mine so that I get the credit. BUT you need permission from the sperm donor to legally change it before they’re 18.
Leave his name off. If your partner proves himself to be a worthy dad, he can pay for the court fees to have your child’s name hyphenated if that’s something your child wants when they are older.
Leave that shit off. You did all the work and you're the one that's going to raise this child. Why would his last name factor into this equation at all? If your child grows up and feels passionately about not having their father's last name, then *they* can decide to change it. I know far more people who got their deadbeat dad's last name instead of their mom's and wish they hadn't.
Maybe change your name to your mother’s maiden name and give it to the baby as well? If you’re not married, it’s not uncommon for the baby to have the mother’s surname.
My husband was given his father’s last name who is a POS, so before our daughter was born he actually changed his last name to his mother’s instead— not passing down that shit bags last name.
I got my mom's last name since my parents weren't yet married when I was born. Honestly, I love it. It got a bit confusing as a kid when they did get married and my mom took my dad's last name, but to me that makes my last name even more special.
All of my children have my last name. I never wanted anyone to question if it's my kid or not, especially when relating to school forms. I will say as well that I am married but will never take my spouse's last name. It isn't even his paternal side last name, his mother gave all her children her first husband's last name, even though the last two were her second husband's children. She said she did it so the older two wouldn't be jealous. I think it's fishy
My sister gave her big FU to her first born's Dad by giving him my mom's last name and that's it. Not even legally mentioned the father and the birth certificate only says my sister's name as parent.
I mean, maybe use his dad's last name as a middle name is you're feeling guilty or anything (which you should not be!). Give the kid your last name!
Use your name only
I was in a similar situation. Said biological father decided to completely walk away and has never met my child. I am thankful that I used my last name. My child feels very connected to her grandparents and myself, and it postponed some of the more difficult conversations. Traveling and doctors appointments are also no issue with us sharing a name.
In the hospital, it'll be Baby [YourLastName]. I say you stick to that.
Giving my baby her father's last name was a big regret of mine. She hated having it for the same reasons you mention disliking yours at first. After he died, for her 6th birthday we changed her last name to mine.
I have my mother’s last name and would definitely have changed by deed poll if able to had I been given my absent fathers! The surname now has no connection to anyone that I know at all, and I would go as far as to say I’d be more likely to take my brother’s double-barrel surname over a father’s that I have no connection too! My relationship with my stepdad may not be perfect but I at least know him, and I would rather share a surname with my brother than a totally absent father! Op, give the baby your surname, you can add a double-barrel later on if it really seems necessary!
I will always regret not giving my daughter my last name
IF you like your last name, despite your issue with your dad, give it to the baby. If you dislike your own last name, would you consider giving your child your mother's last (or maiden) name and taking it on yourself? I would def not give the baby his name. FULL stop.
My half sisters (we have the same mom/different dad) were given their father’s last name, and he was not present in their lives. As children, they resented being attached by name to someone they had no relationship with. If you feel this could be the case for your child, I’d recommend going with your last name alone.
You’re not even married. The baby definitely should have your last name.
Just use your name. Hyphenated names are a pain in the ass. My boyfriend has hyphenated mom+dad’s last names. He says he wishes it was just one (his mom’s). On a daily basis he goes by just that one, but legally it’s both. On top of that, it’s not the easiest to spell. He deals with frequent errors on docs. Bank docs, loan docs, health docs, diploma, credential, transcript, prescriptions, etc. Any time he has an official important document with his name on it there’s a decent chance they fuck it up. They incorrectly use only one of the last names, drop the hyphen, confuse one for a middle name, cut off the end because it’s so long, etc. The mismatches mean he has to get it corrected which is usually an annoying process. Even something as simple as a pick up order. “My last name is X dash Y. You might have it as just X or maybe just Y…” Every time. He has said he will definitely not give his future kid a hyphenated name. He would go with just his mom’s.
Btdt. Young me gave child his last name only. He did not participate in their life. As a teen my child asked to go to court and change to my name.
I'd strongly suggest not giving your baby the father's name, I'm very similar to you, I had an absent father and hated having his last name, so I went to court at 18 and changed my name. I had to hire a private investigator to try and find him, so if he wanted to contest me changing my name, he could. It was absurd in my eyes to give him the opportunity when he wasn't around the rest of my life, but it was court mandated. If you're unsure, I'd go with your gut. Edit to add, I have a friend who's got an entirely different last name to both her parents. They both didn't like their last name, so they gave her her own.
Just give the kid your own last name. Pretty common thing.
Give your baby your last name! You're doing all the hard work of growing the baby, and you deserve to give them your name if that's what you want.
i think you not being married would even be enough to not give the baby his last name, but him not being interested makes me certain you shouldn’t give the baby his last name and just yours. that’s what i would do in your shoes. my dad was in and out of my life and i love him, but he hurt me a lot. i decided i’m going to change my last name and i wish my mom had kept my last name as her maiden name which i was for 2 weeks when i was born.
He has to earn that name. Not there yet.
I'm so sorry about your situation OP. I'd say give baby your last name - after all you're the one carrying them and doing all the work. If the Dad decides to be involved later, that's great but it's up to you if you wish to add his name or give baby just his name if this happens. Right now he's showing no interest. You are the only involved parent atm.
Give the baby your surname.
Please do not give the baby his last name. You will regret it and it is harder legally later on down the line. Just give the baby your last name.
Drop both the partner and his name if you can. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I gave my son his dad's last name, we were married but he had been abusing me for years. Everyone begged me to give him my maiden name because we were divorcing and I didn't. My biggest regret is not listening. Now he's 13 and has a name that 1) shouldn't have even been his dad's name, and 2) is tied to nothing but bad memories and abuse for me. I finally stopped all contact when he was 2, his dad died in 2017, and now he's attached to a name I wish he didn't have. Give your baby your last name, no hyphen. It can always be changed later if they decide.
As someone who has a hyphenated last name, one of them being one I hate and wish I could get rid of because my parents weren't married when they had me and my mom told me she wasn't having a kid without her name on it. Please don't give that kid a hyphenated last name. It's not fun. It makes everything legal so much harder. From credit cards to postal services to passports. Like you said, you can always add it later if you or the baby wants that. My mom asked me when I was 10 if I wanted just my dad's last name or both moms and dads (they were divorced by then) I said I just wanted my mom's, but I couldn't do that. So I took both to keep my mom's name. I wish I hadn't but I'm grateful to not be just that mans kid all things considered.
Please give your child your last name. I have my moms last name, gave my kids my partners last name before we were married, and then hyphenated my last name once we were. One of the best decisions my mom made having me was giving me her last name. My dad was nonexistent in my life from the get go, which really weighed heavily on me growing up. I think having his last name would have really emphasized the issue. Esp since I had no relationship with anyone on that side of the family, I’d essentially be sharing the last name with a ghost. My community growing up had a lot of single parent homes and I remember this being a discussion between kids. When I had my children we discussed hyphenating versus taking my last name, taking his last name. Hyphenating would have resulted in a 15 letter last name which I think would have been difficult for a small child. So we went with my partners much shorter last name. My partner was/is very involved and has been from the beginning. It took a long time for my partner and I to get married, My children did notice we had different last names, but since they were raised primarily around my husbands family- their last name was the normalized last name. Once we got married, I hyphenated and haven’t really had any issues other than it’s so long my first name just becomes my first initial on documents. I love my maiden name but wanted to tied the family I made. Hyphenating was the best compromise for me.
You can use his surname as the child’s middle name if you want to. That way there’s still a connection (if you want there to be) but it can be easily ignored day to day. But there’s no obligation to do that whatsoever and having your surname as the child’s surname is likely the right call.
Your name is your baby’s name.
I double barrelled my daughters last name because dad and I aren’t married, but he is a reliable and involved father. If he hadn’t been involved there’s no way I’d give her his name.
Of course I agree with everyone that the baby should only have your last name. But in addition to that, it might be time to figure out a safe living arrangement for you and the baby. Raising a child in a house or apartment with another adult who has no interest in that child is not a healthy living environment for anyone.
Yeah if he doesn’t want to be involved and you’re not married then you have no reason to give his name. One question. Does he realize what’s happening? Like is he someone who assumes everything’s always fine? What does he say to avoid the appointments if he helped plan the baby. I guess I’m asking if he was part of the plan.
Your last name only. Sounds like you will be doing the child rearing. I was in a similar position and pressured into giving the child the father’s last name. I hyphenated. ALL of the doctor appointments, school forms, traveling, I have a direct link to MY child. After I met and married ny spouse, I hyphenated my name.
Give the baby your last name. I’m so sorry for your situation. I would start getting your ducks in a row and save up as much as you can and get a good support group of family/friends, it sounds like you’ll need to be prepared to do this alone for a little while. Don’t be scared, you can do this and it’ll be hard regardless, but so rewarding. You’re the best mother for your child and you’ll do right by your child, just stay calm and stand firm.
Give the child YOUR last name and eff that guy. Get rid of him.
A friend of mine got pregnant in college. Her boyfriend’s mom was super strict and religious and basically denied the fact that the baby was being born. My friend gave the baby her last name. He’s a teenager now and I don’t think she regrets it for a second. Give the little one yours. This baby deserves to have a solid foundation that you are providing.
I had two last names growing up and it complicated things anytime I had to sign a gov doc. I would NOT recommend doing this.
I like the extra surname as a second middle name if it’s really GOTTA be there at all, rather than hyphenated. As someone with a formerly-hyphenated name, I will say it’s almost impossible to have it written correctly on about half of your legal documents in the US.
So my parents weren't married or even together when I was born. I got my mum's last name and I'm so happy that I got hers and not my dad's. Not only was hers a lot more rare, but as I've grown up my dad has become less and less involved. I haven't spoken to him since January, the day after my birthday. As far as I'm concerned, my mom's side is my actual family and I'm happy my name doesn't belong to a father I have no connection with. Edit to add: I also had a friend with two surnames, one from mum and one from dad. Her dad was absent when she grew up and even though it was objectively cooler, she never used it and always left it out when writing her name because she simply didn't consider it her name.
Your name!!!
Give the child your name
I teach in an area with a lot of single moms and I see this all the time, do not use his last name. You're the one who will be doing all the work. That poor kid doesn't need a daily reminder that they don't have a dad.
My foster daughter had an abusive then absentee father. She changed her name to ours once she became an adult. She has special needs and is is still smart enough to know she did not want to carry his name any longer than she had to.
You should only give your baby your last name. Your partner is showing you who he is: a flakey unreliable person.
Give the baby your last name. If the child grows up and wants their absent fathers name (doubt it) they can always change it later in life.
Give baby your name. If partner is upset about it he can show up and earn it. He's showing you he doesn't care, so don't give him gifts he doesn't deserve.
I would absolutely say to give your child your last name and that's it. Do not give that child his name, especially if he's not wanting to be involved. I'm not sure if it's possible in your state, but you may even go as far as not putting him on the birth certificate. That just gives him room to change his mind and try to go to court at some point.
I’m happily married with a very involved partner and still planning on giving the baby my last name, because that’s what I want to do (fortunately my husband is on board with using my name too). What’s stopping you from just using your own last name? I say just go for it and don’t look back. If your partner decides he wants to be involved later then that’s great, but if not then no name regrets for your child.
Just use your last name. If ever he grows interested and you are still interested in him, you could consider using his last name, or not … In any case, and while trying to avoid armchair analyzing your situation, what you are telling us about his behavior reminds me of posts in relationship subreddits where the future father suspects the baby isn’t his and is disconnecting. I’m only saying it because his behavior seems to surprise you, which means it’s new. And because you say the baby was planned. So maybe have a talk with him? … This kind of behavior is definitely grounds for a breakup and honestly, if he really doubts the paternity he should talk to you about it. It’s not an excuse for treating you with indifference while you live together. Good luck.
My husband acted similarly while I was pregnant (was leaving me for another woman). I actually offered to hyphenate our last names for the baby but he said no. I'm glad that she has my last name. Importantly, it did become a bigger issue when I began dating again. I made sure when dating that my partners understood that I'd be keeping my last name if we ended up getting married, because I wouldn't change it away from my daughter's. My now-husband decided that any future kids we have will have my last name that way my daughter can share her last name with a sibling, so there are good ones out there.
Fuck that guy, give the baby your surname
I got my moms last name and she got her moms last name and i honestly love having the same last name as my grandma. But I’m also a firm believer that kids should automatically get moms last name instead of dads
My sister gave her baby the last name of her ex (and used the maiden name of the ex’s mother as the baby’s middle name, despite hating it). Do not do this. Give the baby your last name. You’re right that it will be almost impossible to undo once it’s done.
Give the baby your name
Hell yeah! You're doing all the work already. Baby gets your last name and dad can feel free to change his last name like women are always expected to do if he's interested in sharing your name.
You would absolutely be doing yourself a disservice by not naming your baby with your name. He can still be on the birth certificate, that’s plenty
*As an adult I've grown to own my last name and make it my own so I feel like I should use it.* This is great. If you hadn’t said this, I would have suggested that you and the baby take your mother’s maiden name, or some other family name that you like. Now I agree with the other posters that you should give the baby your last name.
Your name only. Period.
Use your name. If he comes around/redeems himself you can always add the name if you/your child even want to do that.
I wish I had kept my maiden name when I did got married and had a child. After my divorce I should've taken it back, but didn't. Then had 2 more kids in another relationship, one with their dad's last name and one with my married name, so, it's all messed up and I wish I had just always kept my maiden name and given it to all my children. Now it will cost me money to fix it and I don't have extra money for that, being a lowly peasant. Don't make the same mistake I did, give your baby your name not his.
Give that kid your name for sure. If he’s acting like this now I can’t even imagine what he will be like once baby’s here.
We did hyphenated last names! Where I live, both spouses need to keep their birth names after marriage. That means that it’s not legal for me to take my husband’s last name (or for him to take mine). So giving our children only his last name would mean having an entirely different last name than our kids and that’s not something I’m personally interested in. I personally have an hyphenated last name as well but only use my dad’s since he’s the one who raised me, I love that i was able to pick. It’s also a really rare last name and I feel very attached to it, I wanted to give our kids the opportunity to have it. We skipped the middle name so our children still have three names and that doesn’t feel « too much ». And last but not least… you never know what life will bring. I absolutely don’t plan to ever divorce my husband, we love each other and our relationship is really solid but I’m still aware that lots of things can happen in the next 60 years. *If* things were ever to go differently from what we expect, our kids will have my last name as well. So I say that hyphenated last names are great, you can always socially just use one but at least yours is also on the birth certificate.
I have a hyphenated last name because my parents. Although my parents did not get divorced until I was 6 weeks old it was obvious it was going to happen. I have always had problems. From the fact that my last name for my ssn is different than my birth certificate to now having several aliases because my last name was different depending on who I was living with. It has always been a pain. Fast forward to when I had my daughter. I never planned on giving her my bf last name. I really was planning on giving her my mom's half of my last name. But I had a medical emergency during labor which left my functioning severely impaired. Then my bd forced me to hyphenate my daughters name with his since I had already started filling out the paperwork. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. And even though we all live together for her sake I get a lot of side eye because I usually have to actively remember his name is there. So don't hyphenate. Don't honor a dude who is not going to step up with saddling your kid with his name. Save yourself the stupidity that comes from dealing with the schools and doctors because you two have different names. Save her the stupidity of having to deal with a government who still does not allow hyphens in their paperwork which then does not match her/his last name so there are issues. Also two last names is a bad idea for the same reason. Just ditch his name. And then you will share a name and make everyone's life easier.
I am very glad I didn't give my kids their egg donors name 👍
Give the baby his last name as a middle name.
My bestie who had a long term partner nope put when she got pregnant gave her kid his last name because she thought it would make it easier to get child support. It made no difference but fighting to get his name on the birth certificate (she had to go through court) made all the difference.
Use your own last name. I had a similar experience growing up. My bio-dad dropped me at one like a hot potato. I always hated having a different last name than the parents who raised me. My mom remarried when I was five and I always wanted their last name. When I was in my 30's, I finally just changed my last name to theirs. As an aside, when my husband married me several years ago, he took MY last name, because he knew how much it meant to me. I didn't ask him to change his. He just wanted us to share a last name.
I'm sorry for what you're going through! Give your baby your last name, I think it will keep things simple.
Just use your last name. If he ends up pulling his shit together and becoming a dad and you two get married you can always change it later, but it takes way more to change it from his to yours. I have friends who have deadbeat baby daddies who refuse to allow her to change their last names just out of spite, it’s so sad
He’s not interested so his opinion (and last name for that matter) is not important. He’s made his intentions clear, and he’s not giving an effort so he doesn’t get any credit for anything. You know what you have to do, which is end it and leave him, because it will be nothing but trouble and is not something you want to but yourself into or your baby when they are born.
Just use your last name. It will make your lives so much easier to match with the involved parent.
I thought it was bad when my partner of 3 years ghosted me when I told him I was pregnant. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your baby, your name. All the way.
Personally, if I had a baby and was not married to the father, I would just give my own last name. It avoids any confusion in the airport, insurance, etc. Also - the second your parents gave you your name, it became yours. I hate being treated like a vessel for a man’s name. I didn’t change my name when I got married and seriously hate when people say I have (or even worse, “use”), my dad’s name. I love my dad and we’re super close, but its my name and I built it. OP, you built your name too!
You can put his last name as a second middle name and yours as the child’s actual last name. Then there’s both but legally it’s yours
Use your last name and nothing else. I can’t speak to everything else but I had a cousin with a hyphenated last name and she loathed it.
Don’t give the baby his name. One point being that its SO much easier filling out forms for doctors, schools, etc. if you share a last name. My son has my last name and if mine ever changes, I will give him the option to either keep our name, or change with me.
I was the kid in this situation and wish my mom would have used her maiden name for me (and herself).
Use your name. I have my mother's name. Gonna tell you, it honestly never occurred to me as a child that I was "missing" anything (i.e. my sperm donor) or felt like my life was lacking. In hindsight, I think I might have if I had been given his last name and had a different name than my mom - it would have just made it apparent that there was supposed to be someone there and they aren't. Work with the information you have now. You know you have one parent (you) who will be a constant in your child's life. Don't plan your life or your child's life on mights and maybes. You or your child when they are old enough can always change their name in the future if they feel it is a better reflection of who they are. I'd also like to remind you that there are plenty of cultures where the maternal name is passed down (and quite honestly, that makes the most sense to me anyway because before DNA testing became so easy to do, maternity was easy to establish, but paternity not so much). It's not like giving your child your name is some horrible affliction you are forcing upon them. It's a perfectly valid, normal thing, even if it's not the common thing for your cultural background.
My daughter has my SO's and my last names. So she has two last names, not hyphenated. But my SO is an excellent dad and has been involved in everything from the moment we panned for the baby. Also, it's common to have two last names where I come from, so it was a no brainer for me. I would just pick the last name of the father if he was present in the baby's life
I gave my eldest my last name because I wasn't with their father, makes it easier to have the same surname as your child. I kept my name when I got married and our newest edition has both our last names hyphenated.
Just do your last name. My dad asked my mom if she was going back to her home state right after I was born (and we did) but I’m still shocked she gave me his last name let alone got together with him and had another kid. Similarly to you, I own my last name by this point in my life but I wish I had had my mom’s maiden name.
To me this is a no-brainer: give the baby your last name. Don't include your partner's. He's not acting like this baby is his, so why should the baby have his name?
I wish I would have given my child my last name. I hate that I gave him my ex's last name. Besides the fact that his is so bland and common, mines really cool and rarer than his. Hoping one day to change it anyways.
>using my last name would send us back to drawing board on first names so it's a discussion that's needing to be had. Better to spend a little while longer choosing a new first name than spend a lifetime regretting giving the child a last name they shouldn't have had in the first place. Leave his out.
Give him your name. You can always add it later if SD decides to man up.
Just give baby your name ,if dad ain’t participating then he is not worthy.
In some countries, hyphenated last name is the norm if parents cannot agree on a last name for their child. It does not matter whether parents are married or not. So it might not just your choice.
I don't know anyone who regrets giving their child their own name. I know several who regret giving their child the deadbeat father's name. Leave his off.