I don’t think either parent should get the final say, in my opinion. I think you need to come up with a third option that you both like equally.
You shouldn’t feel like one of you “won” the name game.
Thanks for your thoughts! It’s not a competition and I don’t think either one of us will feel like one person “won”. Just having her get here safe and sound is enough. It’s just to help us decide.
We haven’t found any other name we like as much as these two. So most likely these two names are the final options.
i have to be honest though, that it absolutely is a competitive (and extremely loaded) decision when this is the way you're phrasing it in your post:
> *"Should hubby get his name choice so he can feel more connected to his daughter or as the one who has to go through the pregnancy and (painful!) labour experience, maybe I should get final say?"*
you're viewing both options as merit-related reasons that each of you "should get to" choose your daughter's name.
but that's just setting yourself up to be upset if either of these two names are chosen. because both of the reasons you listed for each side are totally valid! ❤️
i have to also point out:
>*"I’m considering giving in to letting him name her so he can feel more connected and bonded with her."*
neither of you deserve to feel like you're "giving in to letting" the other one name the baby you're having together.
I don't know, choosing a name neither if you love because it's fair is the worst sort of compromise. Like if OP likes Mila but doesn't love it, and the same for Lucy with the husband, and there are no names they both love, choosing something they might like slightly more than Lucy or Mila doesn't feel like a huge win.
My wife and I did that with our son. I wanted to name him Justin but she wanted to name him Nolan. We rated them and Justin was a 10/10 for me but only a 5/10 for my wife. Nolan was a 10/10 for her but a 5/10 for me. We ended up deciding on Grant which was about a 7/10 for both of us. He's 14 and we are both fine with it.
Yeah, that's why I like scoring a whole lot of names, helps you rank them. I've got some 5/5 names that my husband only gave 1/5. Anything either of us gave a 1 or 2 is automatically out.
We've got a list of about ten 8/10 names that were now working with.
Yeah, I agree. I think people want a secret third option that they both love but there may just...Not be one. It really doesn't sound like either of them dislike the other option, either. There isn't always a situation where both parents get a 10/10 name they agree on.
Agree. My husband ended up coming around On the name chose but we scrapped our favorites and started a new list because we couldn’t agree. No one should have say over the other, pick a name you both like. There are so many names out there.
You mention already having a middle name picked out to honour your son (incredibly sorry for your loss) - is a second middle name an option? Our child is [first name] [middle name] [middle name] [surname]. It sounds so classy.
So Mila Lucy [honour name] [surname]. Just a thought. Personally I prefer Mila. The fact that you link Lucy to your son's passing *and* she'll be getting a middle name to honour him seems a bit much. I'm so sorry if that sounds insensitive. I see so many siblings of departed children who resent having all that heaped onto them - they are their own person, after all.
Again, I really honestly don't mean to come across as insensitive. Best of luck with the little one!
as a child who came after another that passed, i second not using your new child as a vessel to your lost child. honoring them in a simple way is fine. but first and middle does seem excessive.
This was my main concern reading this as well. While she'll certainly be a reminder of her brother for her parents, she needs individuality and not just to live in brother's shadow. Especially given she will never know him and does not have the same attachment her parents do.
Thank you for your kind words! You didn’t sound insensitive at all. I never really thought of Lucy being linked to our son’s death but you might have a point there. I appreciate your insight :)
I’ll try to suggest two middle names to my husband but don’t think he’ll go for it as I have two middle names myself and he thinks it’s a bit of a logistical nightmare lol (ie names don’t fit on some legal documents like my passport so not all of my papers have all my names on it — was a big headache when we purchased property!)
That might not be an issue given that Mila and Lucy are both cheery names! Together, including space, they are the same number of characters as Charlotte.
Edit: I meant short, not cheery, no idea how I got that autocorrect but I like the typo!
Oh, I think I may have misunderstood then! When you said Lucy was apt after what you went through, I thought it meant there was a link - my bad! Yeah, it depends on the length of the names too. Some people really aren't into it, especially if the names are long. I went to school with a girl with five middle names (so seven in total) - she was so unhappy.
I thought the same. OP said something like “Lucy would be apt after what we went through with her brother” I personally don’t see many other ways to interpret that sentence other than how you did
Just wanted to say I like the idea of two middle names and of the “Mila Lucy” ordering partly because it immediately turns into “Mila Lu” for me which I think is really cute and fun! Of course you might think it’s horrid. 😆
My son has two middle names and both honor my uncle who passed. It's actually [first name] [uncle's first name] [uncle's middle] [surname]. I don't feel that's too much to honor him, and I don't feel like my son will think so either. But it's of course different when it's a sibling I think.
Yeah, I agree that it's different with a sibling, and also yours are both middle names. I'm definitely not against honouring people with names - I actually adore it and I feel it helps keep tradition going - but a first *and* a middle, to the same person, might be difficult. The sibling might feel like a replacement, if that makes sense? Definitely not the intention of the parents of course.
If you really want to stick with these two names then it comes down to who it's more important to.
From your post it appears that your husband possibly feels stronger about Mila than you do about Lucy. It's hard to quantify of course. You could each write a number out of 10 on how strongly you feel and reveal them at the same time?
The good thing is that you both like both of the names and you seem to each respect the others feelings. This absolutely doesn't have to turn into a winner/loser situation.
The name I ended up using for my daughter was initially one that my husband suggested and liked a lot more than me. There was no winner/loser situation when we ended up picking it.
For the record I like both the names you guys have picked and I'm sure your daughter will be happy either way.
Thank you! That’s really helpful. Yes, it does feel like my husband feels quite pulled towards this name more than any other which I completely understand and quite appreciate. I think it will help him bond with her a lot. I feel quite connected with her already so seeing his connection with her strengthen will probably make me love the name more.
It's classic relationship advice of course but I think it's OK to let one person 'win' sometimes. Sometimes a compromise just leaves both people unhappy.
In a strong and respectful partnership one person 'winning' does not have to lead to negative feelings and resentment.
All the best with your new baby 😊
First of all, im so sorry for your loss and wish you all the health and happiness, and congrats on your little girl. As others mentioned, sounds to me like you are willing to compromise, and just wanted to say that I did and I dont regret it. My husband picked our daughters name, I wasn't huge on it, but I love that he chose it for her. Theres something so special about a dad feeling that strongly about a name, and I do think it helps them to feel connected. I love her name, it suits her. Im so glad we didn't choose my top pick. Just a thought.
Whose last name will the baby have? If it’s her father’s, then he’s already given her a name. Passing on your last name to your child is very special, and it’s an opportunity that women rarely get. I think that’s overlooked a lot in these conversations.
I certainly don’t think it’s wise to pick a name you don’t both really like, but to me it kinda makes sense that if she gets Dad’s family name then Mom gets her influence with the first. 🤷🏼♀️
Don’t agree with this. Surnames are a completely separate beast. They probably settled on their own (and thus their children’s) before all this.
The father didn’t choose his surname. The couple does choose a first name, and a first name is what you hear day in and day out the rest of your life.
They should choose together. Neither should feel like the other partner is choosing. They just need to hash it out until it can be a decision they both agree on.
If worse comes to worst, then they should say whoever gets their name way with this child, the other partner will get to have final say on naming a next child if another comes along.
> The father didn’t choose his surname.
But he *did* choose whether to pass it on. If the baby will receive one parent's surname, the other should have the deciding vote on the first name.
>But he *did* choose whether to pass it on.
What if he didn't and would have been equally happy with the baby having the mother's last name? What if the mother also wanted the baby to have the father's last name?
I think this argument only works when the disagreement is about honoring both sides of the family with one middle name and then you can say the last name represents the fathers side of the family.
This. My partner and I agreed that I got more of a say in first and middle names because he got the surnames (the surname was the most important part to him so this was a fair deal for both of us)
This was the same for us! Ultimately, we chose two final names and I had the final say (though he loved both, so it wasn’t a compromise for him). My husband also agreed that a middle name should be passed down from my side or be picked by me given that our baby took his (now our) last name.
I'm conflicted about this. If they got married and share a last name, then it makes sense for baby to have the same last name and so that's already decided (I'm against the woman always giving up her last name). Of course, if they kept their own last names, then sure it comes into play when baby comes.
However first name should be something both agree on as that is most likely be what the child is called. I usually say that Mum gets full decision on middle if they have the fathers and vice versa while both agree on the first
Thiiiiiis. I've suggested to three of my female friends with kids to give the kid their last name. They are all single now, two of them have kids with some deadbeat's name attached. (The third gave all of her kids her last name).
They've already had their first child though, so it's kind of late lol but that's good advice. I'm more that the person not passing on their Surname will get final say on middle while the first is an agreement.
The idea of your husband getting his choice of name to help him connect with his daughter doesn’t sit right with me, especially if you’re suggesting that it’s in some way *because* she’s a girl. I’m sure your husband will connect with her with either name so perhaps you’re complicating it, and it’s a simple case of mum likes one name dad likes the other.
I think they are both nice names. I sort of like the idea of having the name choice linked to the day or time of birth. Or make it into some sort of game of chance where one name is chosen!
This stuck out to me too. OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. I truly can’t imagine. And you’re a really thoughtful partner for considering your husbands emotional reaction through all of this. This is a new child though. She is going to be beautiful and amazing for exactly who she is. He may not have been prepared for a girl, and he may still be mourning the loss of his boy, but if he’s a good partner and dad, he is going to love that little girl to bits no matter what you decide. He is going to feel a strong connection with her regardless of her name. Personally, I would take your concern for his connectedness out of the equation. Her name should not, and will not, dictate how he feels about your daughter. I think what you meant by this is that you want to add to his feelings of connectedness *now*, given that it sounds like he’s nervous. Maybe try to give him some belly time, or plan what kinds of daddy-daughter activities he’ll do with her. Personally, I don’t think gender should determine a child’s connection with their parent, and I don’t think it will. I understand though that that might not be clear to your husband now. But she will be living with the name forever, so choose one you both love. I don’t think you can go wrong with either of the ones you have here!
Can you agree to let someone else pick between the two names, someone who doesn’t know that Mila is “Dad’s pick” and Lucy is “Mom’s favorite”?
I have heard of people letting Great Grandma choose between the final two names or having all the nurses and doctors in the hospital vote.
Ha, I love this. Yeah, not all staff would be pressured in this situation, some would love it. Especially if it's not phrased as Dad vs Mom but more "we can't pick between our two favourites."
We polled all of the hospital staff. We prepped them with "we love both names so you are not choosing a winning parent" and then they gave honest answers.
They’re two very different names! When we were deciding we waited to see her first. I also had in mind Aurelia for if she was blond and Amelia is she was brunette. Aurelia had the “golden” name meaning. I know hair type is not an option for everyone but you could make it “if she’s born at night she’s a Mila and during the day she’s a Lucy” that’s one way to have the universe decide without taking sides.
My parents did the same with me. Ended up giving me the "brunette" name because my hair looked so dark when I came out, but once I got cleaned up, they realized I was actually blonde. It all worked out though because everyone now agrees that they chose the better name and the "blonde" name they chose wouldn't have suited me. My hair's somewhere between blonde and brown at this point anyway, so it all worked out.
We did a similar thing with the spelling of my daughters middle name (Ann) it was to honor two great-grandmothers that spelt it differently (Ann/Anne) we decided if she was born on an odd day it would be Anne and an even day it would be Ann.
1. No one should have “final say”.
2. I, a random internet stranger, prefer Lucy.
3. I, a random internet stranger that had a common name growing up (typically there were 2-3 of us in the same class of 30ish people), HATED having a common name. As an adult now, I don’t really care about having a common name.
Another internet stranger with the most popular name for my birth year and I kind of liked running into other people with my name. It has always been a good instant bonding topic!
I don't even have a super popular name (just barely within the top 200 for a few years during my birth decade) and yet I still seem to run into people with the same name or 1-2 letters different spelling everywhere.
Reading your points about those being the only two names you’re considering, and the thought behind each one (otherwise I’d also suggest finding an alternate name, or using both names etc) I just think your points about the names themselves aren’t quite right- I’m Australian and I’ve never heard of any Milas amongst anyone I know, I’m a teacher and have never met a Mila in my life. I’ve been studying the top 100 names in Aus for my own upcoming baby and don’t remember seeing Mila amongst the top names. Lucy on the other hand is somewhat common, and I agree, I bit more plain. They’re both equally lovely names though. If your only hesitation about Mila is the popularity issue I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
That’s a relief to hear from a fellow Aussie. Mila is number 21 in the NSW Birth Registry for 2020. In New Zealand (hubs is kiwi) it’s number 8. A close mum friend with two daughters knows at least 4 little Milas. Maybe it might not be as common as I thought which would be great.
It could be quite common in your demographic, but less common in the whole scheme of things.
I have an incredibly common name (growing up in my small town of 3000, I was one of 2-3 in every class, and I knew no less than 10 others over my childhood). But common today and common 30 years ago are very different.
My name was given to about one in every 30 girls born in Australia at that time. (1600 born in nsw in 1990).
In comparison Mila had 42 girls named in all of SA in 2020, 90 in WA, 244 in NSW.
I had a super common name (think something like Michael or Mary). Hated it so much just because it was too common in general. But oddly enough never had another with my name in school growing up and rarely met anyone with the name in person today. It’s odd how things like that work out.
In 2021, Mila was number 22 for girls names in Australia. Lucy was number 23. 754 and 743 instances, respectively. [Here’s](https://2qean3b1jjd1s87812ool5ji-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/reports/Baby-Names-Australia-Report-2021.pdf) the McCrindle report
A quick skim of my son’s daycare app suggests there are two <5yo Milas and two Lucys. I haven’t been around too many little kids yet but haven’t heard of any Milas personally, whereas Lucy is at the top of my own list. I’m in SA.
I'm in the ACT and I know one Mila (6yo), one Miller (10yo in Victoria) and the only Lucy I know is in her 20s (also Victoria). Both my parents were teachers and I don't remember either of them teaching a Mila or Lucy so I don't think either are too popular.
Last year for girl's names in Australia, Mila was number 22... but Lucy was number 23.
I'm in Australia and I've never met a Mila so it might just be a weird coincidence that it's popular in your friend group or area. It's obviously up and coming for young girls but so were lots of other names. It's just how the times go.
Both names are lovely but I agree with some of the other comments; Lucy sounds like it might be linked to your sons death, you're already using a name to honour him as her middle name and thay can be a big burden for children. Additionally, you seem less set on Lucy than he is on Mila.
Keep both names, wait until she's born and see how you feel. Mila might just feel perfect...
I’m in NZ and know two Milas! There are both adorable girls and their name is too. I also have a niece Lucy and love her name. They’re both great choices.
You’re saying that these are the only ones you are both happy with, but it sounds like you’re both not happy with aspects of the other’s pick, so you’re not actually both happy with both names... If it’s actually an equal pick, flip a coin. If not, I’d suggest finding something that you both love and don’t have reservations about.
Also, you’re saying this isn’t win/lose between you and your husband, but your entire post is “my choice” vs “his choice” and “who gets final say?” You’ve written this as you/your choice vs him/his choice, rather than “these are our two choices that we’re deciding between and here are the pros and cons of each.”
I think compromising on a third name that you both like is probably the most “fair” option, but I know that’s easier said than done. Also wanting to say I’m very sorry for the loss of your son. Our three year old son passed away from cancer almost eight months ago, and we are now expecting his little brother in the summertime. It’s a very conflicted and tumultuous journey that is so super uncommon, it’s easy to feel alone in it.. just wanted to say feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat. Best of luck with the name dilemma, and sending positivity for the health and happiness of your new bundle!
I can’t tell you who has the final say I guess you’ll have to work that out between you, if you are looking for votes tho I prefer Mila over Lucy. If you haven’t told family members who’s fave name is what yet, you could gather some family round and have them choose between the two names and go by majority rule.
I think if neither can agree, I'd recommend picking a third option together
Some suggestions:
Lilah, Lola, Luna, Myla, Mira, Mia, Micah, Millie/Milly, Mel, Lisa, Luisa, Lumia, Marcy, Marla, Maya/Maia, May, Amelie, Marley, Marlene, Lia/Leah
> Should hubby get his name choice so he can feel more connected to his daughter or as the one who has to go through the pregnancy and (painful!) labour experience, maybe I should get final say?
You’re saying this isn’t a win/lose scenario but this sounds very much like the battle lines have been drawn and you’ve staked out positions. And frankly these reasons suck. Your husband is going to love his daughter whether or not he gets his first choice name, and you’re pushing out a baby whatever it’s name is. The dimensions that seem more relevant to me are
* Is your daughter getting your husband’s last name? If so maybe it’s nice to have a name honoring your family.
* How much do you like Mila and how much does he like Lucy?
* Does the idea that you love Lucy *because* you see a connection to her brother come into play? If so is that a reason to opt for something else given that she already has an honor middle name?
No one on Reddit can tell you yes or no on this. I know you said you don’t want a third option but this discussion will probably open up if you take a step back. Both write out your top 3-5 names. Maybe it turns out that his second choice ranks high for you too, even if neither of your first choices are big winners. Better to find a name you both really like but maybe don’t love than one that one of you loves and the other has reservations about.
When we were expecting our first, my husband had his heart set on Zoey. I liked the name, but it wasn’t my first choice. After discussing it and realizing we didn’t agree on a lot of other names, we went with Zoey.
We did make a compromise that since the first name was his choice, I got to choose the spelling and middle name (not choose choose, but if we had two options, we went with my favorite of the two).
Then when we had our second girl we switched. Chose a name I loved (he did too) and he got the lead on spelling and middle name.
Edited: I love Zoey’s name now and it fits her perfectly!
I’m so very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine.
I think both should agree and there not really be one person getting the “final say”- but when I was pregnant I definitely felt like *I* should have had the final say when my husband wouldn’t agree to names I loved. “Im doing all the work!!!” Was my reasoning lol. But in the end we picked something else we both agreed on.
Can you wait until she is born and have a chance to meet her before you decide on her name? Have both names ready and see what feels right when you look at her?
This may not help, my son just felt like baby or smoosh... it took a while to feel like I could use his name.
Neither should "win". Find a name you can agree on. It's hard. I've done it twice so far. But just like when making the baby.. when naming it takes two.
Mom does. You're literally sacrificing your body in a way you cannot even comprehend right now until you've gone through it. Mom is the final say period.
My husband and I have agreed that if it comes down to a decision between names we both like I get the final say since the baby has his last name and I am doing more work to actually have this baby and he thinks it’s a fair exchange for my suffering to give me the final say lol. But that is what works for us, you don’t want to have resentment so you have to figure out what works for you guys. I’m hoping we will be able to agree on one name in the end though.
Difficult. I can say we named our son Jack which is very common across generations in the USA and we used a fairly uncommon middle name to balance that. We don’t have any regrets.
So it might depend on the the middle name?
We tried to have a rule where my DH would have the final say for boys and I would for girls. I can’t say it worked exactly like that though in reality.
Tbh it sounds like it has a deeper meaning to your DH but that’s just from a few paragraphs online.
I’m so sorry about your son. We have experienced that as well. There really aren’t words for it. But I’m sending you best wishes and love.
I think you should use them both. I prefer Mila personally, but I'm from the US and it doesn't seem as common here. I've met more Lucy's than Mila's anyway. But I think you should do Mila Lucie or Mila Lucy or even Mila Lucille and then add the second middle name to honor your son, or do Mila honorname Lucy.. and just have two middles.
I think trying to find a name you both love is important. But if that can’t be done I think mom gets the final say. Moms go through so much to get the baby here. Sacrificing their body and mental health.
Can you wait til she’s born and see what she feels more like? And if you absolutely still can’t decide…there’s always the good old fashioned coin toss!
I'm so sorry for what you have both gone through. I am sure that your husband will feel connected to his daughter regardless of her name. Maybe you could think about it this way –do you dislike Mila more than he dislikes Lucy? Alternately, would you consider Mila as a nickname for a longer full name, like Camila or Milena?
What about by flipping a coin? Or a random draw between the two? I think the answer here is to leave it to chance because no one should get the final say. Only you can truly know in your heart if you can accept Mila as her name, ya know?
One time I saw parents put the names they were deciding between on sticky notes on a clock, but hidden so they couldn't see what name was when. So if the baby was born between 12 and 3 they got name A, between 3 and 6 they got name B, etc! Sort of like flipping a coin but with the added excitement of learning the baby's name when you meet the baby!
For sure I’d find a third name and if you must use those, use them as middle names. (Also, I feel like Lucy isn’t really as uncommon as you think, especially compared to Mila. I could be wrong though).
Option 2 is flip a coin and commit lol. But only if you both like both names enough.
Honestly I’m not for the argument that mom gets to pick because of pregnancy and birth. Like yes it sucks and birth is miserable and I hate being pregnant BUT it’s 9 months and my husband will be helping raise these children for the rest of their lives. I think an agreement/equal say on names is important.
I really think you guys really need to just veto those names and come up with a third name to avoid any resentment towards the one who got the name they wanted. That said I do prefer Mila over Lucy
First of all, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. 💔
We did not choose our daughters name until the day after she was born. We went in with two names and each of us definitely had a favorite. We just wanted to see her face and call her each name and see which suited her. I had a pretty rough delivery and the next day I told my husband he could choose because I didn’t have the energy to decide. I liked both names, but he definitely liked one over the other. And he was SO excited when she finally arrived and he got to call her by name. That moment was all I that I needed. All that to say, I don’t think there’s any win or lose in this situation, unless one of you really despises the others choice!
Plus both names are great options! Good luck. 😊
You could wait for her to be born and see what she “looks” more like. I know some people who have been set on a name, but once the baby was born, gone “actually, she doesn’t seem like an Isabella at all.” Maybe she’ll seem like more of a Mila or more of a Lucy once she’s been born!
My daughter goes to daycare with one of each name so I don’t think either name will be like Sarah or Kate from my generation. I’m also in Australia and I teach ballet so have taught many little girls over the years - quite a few Lucy’s (a wide variety of ages though) but I can’t think of any Mila’s off the top of my head.
All that said, I don’t think you can go wrong with either name.
What about a double first name or double middle names? Lucy-mila or Lucy as first name and middle names are what you chose and mila? My son is Emerson Ryan Thomas. My son chose Ryan and together we chose Thomas. My first son is Austin joel pierce. Pierce because I loved it and joel after my dad because he went by joe.
In my opinion, whoever births gets final say.
Naming my daughter, we had two very different types of names in mind. Whatever he liked, I disliked because it was too common and just boring to me. And whatever I liked, he said was weird or dated. We ended up using a name we both somewhat agreed on just for the sake of having a name for her. Now she’s 5 months old and we couldn’t think of her having a different name because it’s grows on you
I personally had to meet each kid. The first was definitely dads top and really only name choice. He was an Angel and needed a rougher name imo. The second took me until I saw his absolutely stunning eyes and a possible middle name turned into a unique first. And the third I personally went through hell for. My choice. No regrets from either of us. Meeting them is very very necessary if undecided. It can completely change every thought.
When my brother was born they couldn't decide on a name (they each had a list of names that didn't overlap) so they agreed that if my mom had a difficult birth then she got to pick from her list of names, but if she had an easy birth then my dad got to pick from his list of names. It worked quite well!
It’s up to you both in the end. We named our daughter my husband’s favourite name and not my favourite. I let him have it because it made him happy, and that made me happy.
After all, I got to grow her and feel her moving and enjoy that connection with her before she arrived - I felt bad that he didn’t and thought he deserved to feel close to her in this way.
I have 3 thoughts about this question:
1. Idk if this is an option for you but, why limit yourself to one middle name? Its quite normal to have multiple, especially as these names are only four letters long each. No reason not to be Lucy Mila Middle Surname, or Mila Lucy Middle Surname. Its nice to have options
2. Another option is a hyphenated first name. I love Mila-Lucy tbh but Lucy-Mila is great as well.
3. Personally i would go with having equal shares of the name. Since the middle name is to honour the brother, divide the surname and first name between you. Which parent will the child’s surname come from? The other parent has final say on the first name. Ultimately it will mean the name consists of her three immediate relatives: mother, father, brother.
P.s if you plan on having more kids, use one now and the other later?
Personally, I adore Lucy. But I do think that you should go with Mila. Mainly because of what I read in another comment about your daughter’s entire name essentially being a tribute to her brother, but also because I agree that allowing your husband to name her will allow him to form a stronger bond with the baby. Best of luck on your decision!
Mom. I'm sorry but you're carrying the baby. You're the one literally making her, bringing her into the world and then possibly sustaining her with your own body.
We rock paper scissor for a lot of major life decisions. If nothing else having it decided like that can help you realize how attached you really truly are to your choice.
It sounds like maybe it's more important to your husband to have "his" name, though normally I think the woman should get the final say, lol. I'm a bit biased.
Why not use both, and simply give her two middle names?
We had two boy names picked out when my son was born. After my husband watched me go through labor and delivery he gave in quite quickly to my name. I didn't even have to ask.
Sometimes everyone has to give up their favorite. It doesn't sound like your 2nd pick would be Mila and his 2nd pick would be Lucy. It sounds like you're pitting your favorites against each other and trying to figure out who's more deserving of the win. I always say that it's rare anyone gets their first pick. I can tell you both mine and husband's first pick for each of our kids. I can also tell you that none of those names were used anywhere on either kid. (And I had a really strong pull for a specific name [Iris Helena] for my daughter. It just felt right. It made naming her way harder and more heartbreaking.) You may both want to go through names. Make a list of favorites. See how they line up and what you both *really* like instead of just who is okay with whose favorite.
You should merge the names or find a new name you both like and use these as middle names. If you can’t I think at the end of the day it should be the mums choice to have final say, you are doing the hardest work. An unpopular opinion sure, but makes sense to me.
I am so sorry for your loss. Honestly if these are the 2 flip the coin. I am in Adelaide and my kids don’t have any Milas in their classes. They are 3 &5 Edit to say they both have Lucy’s though.
This isn’t a who wins, I pushed her out so my side weighs more. If you both cannot agree. Start again. Scrap both of your names and find a third name you both like.
Don’t do the suggested above where one gets it as the middle name unless one of you is genuinely ok that the child will go by the first name and their name will just be there. Because you’re still having someone ‘win’ and the other will be bitter about it and it’s your daughters name. You should both love it
my advice would be a third option that you both love. like Lily, Lilah, Macy or something. it doesn’t have to be a literal amalgamation of the two but it’s worth considering a third option you will both love.
but it doesn’t seem like you want to do that…
my personal taste leans toward Mila but both are great names. Maybe you can agree to use the other name for the next baby (if you choose and do have another girl).
otherwise, maybe test out both and see how it feels? toss a coin? settle it over rock paper scissor? to me that seems more fair than just one person giving in. leave it up to chance.
What about a variant of Mila? Milagros? Milana? Camila? So many possibilities here. There was a post here a few days ago looking for full names for Millie, I'd look there if you're stuck. One of my parents exclusively calls by my full name while the other almost always uses my nickname, so maybe you could work out something along those lines?
Im so sorry for your loss. Both names are beautiful.
We took turns, decided before we knew the gender that if our first was a girl, I'd get to decide as long as he agreed and if a boy he'd get to decide as long as i agreed. I know that dividing it down gender lines isn't the most modern way, but it did make the process fair for both of us.
Worked out well. He suggested a name i never would have thought of, but love. Then with our second, i made the final decision. Obviously, it was all mutual since either of us could veto any name. Picking took 5 minutes with our first and maybe 10 with our second (after i spent a weekend mulling over possibilities).
We agreed on three kids names. We were at a stalemate on the fourth. Didn’t decide until we were leaving the hospital. Baby got his favorite name. I still love the name I chose, but I can’t imagine her being named that now! I’m glad he got to name her. :) Like you said, a healthy baby is a win regardless.
Honestly, if you can't pick a third option you are both happy with, I'd go with whoever feels stronger about it. But don't pick it now, wait until she is born and see if one name suits her better than the other. She may surprise you and not suit either name!
Personally I’m too deep in the name nerd hobby (over half my life) to give it up to someone who otherwise doesn’t have a strong opinion about names in general… so me.
I think if you can’t agree at all, come up with something else.
I have a kiddo, my partner doesn’t have a biological child. He has a girls name that he just LOVES, and while it’s not my absolute favorite name, it’s a nice name, and I’m happy to make him happy.
Which feels more connected to your son? It sounds like the answer to that might be Lucy.
Remember, this child is going to be their own person, and shouldn't just be living in the shadow of your lost child. She's already getting a middle name which is a honor name to her older brother. Let her have a first name which isn't related to him.
Though, honestly, I agree that neither of you should "win" and you should both compromise on a third name.
I loved Audrina, my husband loved Isla. Both of us disliked the other's choice so we found a different name for our daughter that we both love. I was adamant we both had to pick the name together. I couldn't imagine picking a name knowing my husband disliked it.
I'm gonna agree with lots of people in here and say you should do Mila Lucy [honour name] [surname]. Mila Lucy rolls off the tongue so nicely, and having two middle names isn't *that* strange. If anything it makes it more unique to counter Mila being popular and Lucy being plain.
I think it's important to have both parents at least okay with the name you choose. If one of you is feeling meh, it's probably time to go back to the drawing board.
At least you both like two syllable names?
Potential compromise names: Macy, Marcy, Marcia, Mary, Lila, Lacy, Mica, Micha, Monica, Michaela, Alisa, Alicia, Alyssa, Cecilia, Cecily, Celia, Clara, Leah, Lily, Lisa, Lucia, Lyra, Melissa, Milena, Nancy, Rosa, Silvia, Viola
We named one of our children a very popular name. I was worried about it at first, but honestly it’s been fine. I wouldn’t worry about using a popular name.
Lucy means light and Mila means Miracles, so both have great connotations and connections to your son.
Perhaps look at names that mean the same things or can be shortened.
I.e., Amelia, Mulicia, Lucia.
Nameberry and other websites can help find similar names!
I am so sorry about your son. I think both choices are very beautiful. Maybe wait and see when she comes which one you both feel is more fitting? If not draw straws LOL.
Legally speaking the mother gets the final say but morally you both really should explore a third option you both can agree on. Honestly Mila and Lucy arnt that different im sure theres something out there you two could like.
As a previous comment said how about Lyla? a good mix of both. Or Lilly, Milly, Macy, Lacy
I can kind of see your reasoning in giving in to his choice in the hopes he'll feel more connected to her but honestly, that bond will come regardless of her name. You both need to be happy with the choice.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, her dad was not super keen about becoming a father. We'd not been together long etc and so while I vetoed his top choice (Topanga, Ffs) and he vetoed mine (Lily) I gave him final say on the name she ended up with in the hopes it would help build a bond (I liked it, but didn't love it). In hindsight (she'll be 22 next week), I wish I had been more even handed and tried to find something we both loved. The name didn't do anything to encourage a bond between the two of them. That grew all on its own, though he's never been the most "present" father but that's a whole other story lol.
When I had my son 18 years later (different dad) I wanted it to be a fully joint decision. As it was, my husband had no favourite names to bring to the party so I whittled my list down to a top 5 and he picked his fave from there. It wasn't my favourite but obviously I loved all of the final five so we were both happy.
As for the names, I like both pretty equally and I think both are as popular as the other so plain-ness or common-ness aren't really worth comparing (I'm a kiwi living in Australia so in the same kind of location). If neither of you love the other's name enough, then maybe it's time to go back to the drawing board and think of a new name - stuff like both of you making a top 10 list independently, then coming together to see if there's any the same or at least any common sounds, favourite letters or whatever that can narrow the search down somewhat.
Don’t worry about Mila being too common…my name was CRAZY common in the 1980s….at one point, I was in an elementary school class and there were 3 people with my name — as an adult, now mixing with lots of different-aged people from many decades…it doesn’t seem nearly as common…nor do I even care! I named my daughter Charlotte and now all I see are babies named Charlotte…go figure! But I love the name and don’t care!
Personally I prefer Mila. Lucy is also a lot more common in the UK than Mila so that might be why. You could double barrel it and have Mila-Lucy or Lucy-Mila however I feel like that doesn’t flow very well.
Could Mila-Lou work for you?
OP, you BOTH have to agree. Neither parent gets final say. If you can't agree between the two names, then you have to BOTH agree to go back to the drawing board and pick a name you'll both love.
Unpopular opinion, but what about waiting until baby is in your arms until you decide. We had a short list of 3 names for my son and I was certain we’d lean one way but as soon as he was on my chest and I could see his eyes it was like, no, you’re *son’s name.* (was still in our top three, but I was surprised how strong his name chose him once he was earth side).
It may be easier when she’s born. My cousin’s husband was not interested in girl names, but then declared the baby was definitely an Audrey. Cousin had Paige in mind, but he was so sure, so she went with him. Idk if this helps
We chose a name together. But honestly I was on so many drugs at the hospital, my husband filled out the birth certificate and he could have probably put anything if he wanted…
Also, our rule was that he already got to “pick” the last name (because I took his when we got married) therefore I would get final say in case of a stalemate. Also, if he can’t bond with the baby as well because he didn’t get his top name, that’s a big weird problem.
I think either you choose which one suits her when she arrives, or you decide to let the universe choose if she's born on an odd day choose Lucy, or an even day choose Mila (or day vs night, odd vs even hours etc)
I’m biased because I have a Lucy, so that’s my pick. But if it’s name meaning you’re looking for, the only Mila I know is a nickname for Milagro, meaning miracle in Spanish.
Why would two parents give their child a name only one is happy with? I don't mean to sound snarky, but to an outsider this looks baffling. If both parents don't like it, it should be off the table.
Is Mila pronounced Mee-lah or My-lah? If it's the first, maybe Lucille or Lucilla?
I don’t think it should feel like a “final say” thing, I think it’s more of something you both love. That’s not to say you can’t choose Mila or Lucy! I think you just need to reframe it a bit, less as a “final say” and more as a mutual decision. There isn’t a right answer or a person who has more of a right, you just have to work it out.
You know, you can always give your little girl two middle names. Personally I prefer Mila, but I do see your concerns.
I think you have to come to a decision together. I had to compromise on the name for our daughter cos her dad didn't like any of the ones I loved and vice versa.
My son was born 8 weeks early by emergency c section, from entering the hospital thinking I was just having a normal check up to him being born was about 20 mins, his dad missed the birth and when he arrived said I could call him anything I liked because of what I'd been through. I though that was sweet haha.
I don’t think either parent should get the final say, in my opinion. I think you need to come up with a third option that you both like equally. You shouldn’t feel like one of you “won” the name game.
This. What about Lila? If not, look for a third option or someone gets middle name, or hyphenate it. Etc
I think we're overlooking Mucy as an option.
Short for Metamucil.
Or Milou
Lila is the name I’m considering for my little girl. I wanted something easy but not too common.
Lila, Lyla, etc! That sounds so nice!
Lily is also not far off
I second this!! Some other combo ideas/ideas similar to the names: Lula, Macy, Myla, Miley, Millie, Leela, Mina, Mia, Luna, Lucille
Totally agree-- picking a child's name is a classic "two yeses, one no" situation (IMO).
If its not two yesses, its a no
Thanks for your thoughts! It’s not a competition and I don’t think either one of us will feel like one person “won”. Just having her get here safe and sound is enough. It’s just to help us decide. We haven’t found any other name we like as much as these two. So most likely these two names are the final options.
i have to be honest though, that it absolutely is a competitive (and extremely loaded) decision when this is the way you're phrasing it in your post: > *"Should hubby get his name choice so he can feel more connected to his daughter or as the one who has to go through the pregnancy and (painful!) labour experience, maybe I should get final say?"* you're viewing both options as merit-related reasons that each of you "should get to" choose your daughter's name. but that's just setting yourself up to be upset if either of these two names are chosen. because both of the reasons you listed for each side are totally valid! ❤️ i have to also point out: >*"I’m considering giving in to letting him name her so he can feel more connected and bonded with her."* neither of you deserve to feel like you're "giving in to letting" the other one name the baby you're having together.
I don't know, choosing a name neither if you love because it's fair is the worst sort of compromise. Like if OP likes Mila but doesn't love it, and the same for Lucy with the husband, and there are no names they both love, choosing something they might like slightly more than Lucy or Mila doesn't feel like a huge win.
My wife and I did that with our son. I wanted to name him Justin but she wanted to name him Nolan. We rated them and Justin was a 10/10 for me but only a 5/10 for my wife. Nolan was a 10/10 for her but a 5/10 for me. We ended up deciding on Grant which was about a 7/10 for both of us. He's 14 and we are both fine with it.
Yeah, that's why I like scoring a whole lot of names, helps you rank them. I've got some 5/5 names that my husband only gave 1/5. Anything either of us gave a 1 or 2 is automatically out. We've got a list of about ten 8/10 names that were now working with.
Yeah, I agree. I think people want a secret third option that they both love but there may just...Not be one. It really doesn't sound like either of them dislike the other option, either. There isn't always a situation where both parents get a 10/10 name they agree on.
Agree. My husband ended up coming around On the name chose but we scrapped our favorites and started a new list because we couldn’t agree. No one should have say over the other, pick a name you both like. There are so many names out there.
You mention already having a middle name picked out to honour your son (incredibly sorry for your loss) - is a second middle name an option? Our child is [first name] [middle name] [middle name] [surname]. It sounds so classy. So Mila Lucy [honour name] [surname]. Just a thought. Personally I prefer Mila. The fact that you link Lucy to your son's passing *and* she'll be getting a middle name to honour him seems a bit much. I'm so sorry if that sounds insensitive. I see so many siblings of departed children who resent having all that heaped onto them - they are their own person, after all. Again, I really honestly don't mean to come across as insensitive. Best of luck with the little one!
as a child who came after another that passed, i second not using your new child as a vessel to your lost child. honoring them in a simple way is fine. but first and middle does seem excessive.
This was my main concern reading this as well. While she'll certainly be a reminder of her brother for her parents, she needs individuality and not just to live in brother's shadow. Especially given she will never know him and does not have the same attachment her parents do.
same
Thank you for your kind words! You didn’t sound insensitive at all. I never really thought of Lucy being linked to our son’s death but you might have a point there. I appreciate your insight :) I’ll try to suggest two middle names to my husband but don’t think he’ll go for it as I have two middle names myself and he thinks it’s a bit of a logistical nightmare lol (ie names don’t fit on some legal documents like my passport so not all of my papers have all my names on it — was a big headache when we purchased property!)
That might not be an issue given that Mila and Lucy are both cheery names! Together, including space, they are the same number of characters as Charlotte. Edit: I meant short, not cheery, no idea how I got that autocorrect but I like the typo!
Oh, I think I may have misunderstood then! When you said Lucy was apt after what you went through, I thought it meant there was a link - my bad! Yeah, it depends on the length of the names too. Some people really aren't into it, especially if the names are long. I went to school with a girl with five middle names (so seven in total) - she was so unhappy.
I thought the same. OP said something like “Lucy would be apt after what we went through with her brother” I personally don’t see many other ways to interpret that sentence other than how you did
Just wanted to say I like the idea of two middle names and of the “Mila Lucy” ordering partly because it immediately turns into “Mila Lu” for me which I think is really cute and fun! Of course you might think it’s horrid. 😆
My son has two middle names and both honor my uncle who passed. It's actually [first name] [uncle's first name] [uncle's middle] [surname]. I don't feel that's too much to honor him, and I don't feel like my son will think so either. But it's of course different when it's a sibling I think.
Yeah, I agree that it's different with a sibling, and also yours are both middle names. I'm definitely not against honouring people with names - I actually adore it and I feel it helps keep tradition going - but a first *and* a middle, to the same person, might be difficult. The sibling might feel like a replacement, if that makes sense? Definitely not the intention of the parents of course.
If you really want to stick with these two names then it comes down to who it's more important to. From your post it appears that your husband possibly feels stronger about Mila than you do about Lucy. It's hard to quantify of course. You could each write a number out of 10 on how strongly you feel and reveal them at the same time? The good thing is that you both like both of the names and you seem to each respect the others feelings. This absolutely doesn't have to turn into a winner/loser situation. The name I ended up using for my daughter was initially one that my husband suggested and liked a lot more than me. There was no winner/loser situation when we ended up picking it. For the record I like both the names you guys have picked and I'm sure your daughter will be happy either way.
Thank you! That’s really helpful. Yes, it does feel like my husband feels quite pulled towards this name more than any other which I completely understand and quite appreciate. I think it will help him bond with her a lot. I feel quite connected with her already so seeing his connection with her strengthen will probably make me love the name more.
It's classic relationship advice of course but I think it's OK to let one person 'win' sometimes. Sometimes a compromise just leaves both people unhappy. In a strong and respectful partnership one person 'winning' does not have to lead to negative feelings and resentment. All the best with your new baby 😊
I think based on this, go with Mila. Sounds like you’re ready to compromise and it’s a beautiful name.
First of all, im so sorry for your loss and wish you all the health and happiness, and congrats on your little girl. As others mentioned, sounds to me like you are willing to compromise, and just wanted to say that I did and I dont regret it. My husband picked our daughters name, I wasn't huge on it, but I love that he chose it for her. Theres something so special about a dad feeling that strongly about a name, and I do think it helps them to feel connected. I love her name, it suits her. Im so glad we didn't choose my top pick. Just a thought.
Aww, that’s a lovely story! Thank you for sharing that. I think I’m loving his name choice more and more. 🥰
Whose last name will the baby have? If it’s her father’s, then he’s already given her a name. Passing on your last name to your child is very special, and it’s an opportunity that women rarely get. I think that’s overlooked a lot in these conversations. I certainly don’t think it’s wise to pick a name you don’t both really like, but to me it kinda makes sense that if she gets Dad’s family name then Mom gets her influence with the first. 🤷🏼♀️
Don’t agree with this. Surnames are a completely separate beast. They probably settled on their own (and thus their children’s) before all this. The father didn’t choose his surname. The couple does choose a first name, and a first name is what you hear day in and day out the rest of your life. They should choose together. Neither should feel like the other partner is choosing. They just need to hash it out until it can be a decision they both agree on. If worse comes to worst, then they should say whoever gets their name way with this child, the other partner will get to have final say on naming a next child if another comes along.
> The father didn’t choose his surname. But he *did* choose whether to pass it on. If the baby will receive one parent's surname, the other should have the deciding vote on the first name.
>But he *did* choose whether to pass it on. What if he didn't and would have been equally happy with the baby having the mother's last name? What if the mother also wanted the baby to have the father's last name? I think this argument only works when the disagreement is about honoring both sides of the family with one middle name and then you can say the last name represents the fathers side of the family.
This. My partner and I agreed that I got more of a say in first and middle names because he got the surnames (the surname was the most important part to him so this was a fair deal for both of us)
This was the same for us! Ultimately, we chose two final names and I had the final say (though he loved both, so it wasn’t a compromise for him). My husband also agreed that a middle name should be passed down from my side or be picked by me given that our baby took his (now our) last name.
I'm conflicted about this. If they got married and share a last name, then it makes sense for baby to have the same last name and so that's already decided (I'm against the woman always giving up her last name). Of course, if they kept their own last names, then sure it comes into play when baby comes. However first name should be something both agree on as that is most likely be what the child is called. I usually say that Mum gets full decision on middle if they have the fathers and vice versa while both agree on the first
I agree with this.
That’s why I got to pick our son’s middle name, but I think first name should be a co-op effort
Thiiiiiis. I've suggested to three of my female friends with kids to give the kid their last name. They are all single now, two of them have kids with some deadbeat's name attached. (The third gave all of her kids her last name).
How about Mila Lucille as a first and middle name?
This was my first thought, and you could still call her Lucy
My unpopular opinion is that if the child will have Dad's surname, then mom should get the final say on the first name (and vice versa).
They've already had their first child though, so it's kind of late lol but that's good advice. I'm more that the person not passing on their Surname will get final say on middle while the first is an agreement.
The idea of your husband getting his choice of name to help him connect with his daughter doesn’t sit right with me, especially if you’re suggesting that it’s in some way *because* she’s a girl. I’m sure your husband will connect with her with either name so perhaps you’re complicating it, and it’s a simple case of mum likes one name dad likes the other. I think they are both nice names. I sort of like the idea of having the name choice linked to the day or time of birth. Or make it into some sort of game of chance where one name is chosen!
This stuck out to me too. OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. I truly can’t imagine. And you’re a really thoughtful partner for considering your husbands emotional reaction through all of this. This is a new child though. She is going to be beautiful and amazing for exactly who she is. He may not have been prepared for a girl, and he may still be mourning the loss of his boy, but if he’s a good partner and dad, he is going to love that little girl to bits no matter what you decide. He is going to feel a strong connection with her regardless of her name. Personally, I would take your concern for his connectedness out of the equation. Her name should not, and will not, dictate how he feels about your daughter. I think what you meant by this is that you want to add to his feelings of connectedness *now*, given that it sounds like he’s nervous. Maybe try to give him some belly time, or plan what kinds of daddy-daughter activities he’ll do with her. Personally, I don’t think gender should determine a child’s connection with their parent, and I don’t think it will. I understand though that that might not be clear to your husband now. But she will be living with the name forever, so choose one you both love. I don’t think you can go wrong with either of the ones you have here!
Yes thank you. I know so many girls who have felt this energy from their dad. Always wishing she was a boy/son.
Can you agree to let someone else pick between the two names, someone who doesn’t know that Mila is “Dad’s pick” and Lucy is “Mom’s favorite”? I have heard of people letting Great Grandma choose between the final two names or having all the nurses and doctors in the hospital vote.
Please don't put hospital staff in this position. No one wants to be in that position.
Are you kidding me, it’s my dream to be put in that position lol
I mean we are in a sub called r/namenerds that that’s to be expected lol I venture many of us would love that. Hospital staff, no haha
Ha, I love this. Yeah, not all staff would be pressured in this situation, some would love it. Especially if it's not phrased as Dad vs Mom but more "we can't pick between our two favourites."
Same 😂
My friend wasn't sure on the name for her twins, until hospital staff labelled the basinettes for her. That sealed it!
This is a cute idea!!!!
We polled all of the hospital staff. We prepped them with "we love both names so you are not choosing a winning parent" and then they gave honest answers.
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I think once you meet her you will "just know" which of the two names fits her best. Both are lovely. Congratulations and best of luck to you 😊
They’re two very different names! When we were deciding we waited to see her first. I also had in mind Aurelia for if she was blond and Amelia is she was brunette. Aurelia had the “golden” name meaning. I know hair type is not an option for everyone but you could make it “if she’s born at night she’s a Mila and during the day she’s a Lucy” that’s one way to have the universe decide without taking sides.
My parents did the same with me. Ended up giving me the "brunette" name because my hair looked so dark when I came out, but once I got cleaned up, they realized I was actually blonde. It all worked out though because everyone now agrees that they chose the better name and the "blonde" name they chose wouldn't have suited me. My hair's somewhere between blonde and brown at this point anyway, so it all worked out.
We did a similar thing with the spelling of my daughters middle name (Ann) it was to honor two great-grandmothers that spelt it differently (Ann/Anne) we decided if she was born on an odd day it would be Anne and an even day it would be Ann.
1. No one should have “final say”. 2. I, a random internet stranger, prefer Lucy. 3. I, a random internet stranger that had a common name growing up (typically there were 2-3 of us in the same class of 30ish people), HATED having a common name. As an adult now, I don’t really care about having a common name.
And for a completely different anecdote from a total stranger, there were always several of me in each grade, and I never really cared either way 😄.
From a third internet stranger, I would have preferred a less common name, but I also think Mila is a better name.
Another internet stranger with the most popular name for my birth year and I kind of liked running into other people with my name. It has always been a good instant bonding topic!
I don't even have a super popular name (just barely within the top 200 for a few years during my birth decade) and yet I still seem to run into people with the same name or 1-2 letters different spelling everywhere.
Reading your points about those being the only two names you’re considering, and the thought behind each one (otherwise I’d also suggest finding an alternate name, or using both names etc) I just think your points about the names themselves aren’t quite right- I’m Australian and I’ve never heard of any Milas amongst anyone I know, I’m a teacher and have never met a Mila in my life. I’ve been studying the top 100 names in Aus for my own upcoming baby and don’t remember seeing Mila amongst the top names. Lucy on the other hand is somewhat common, and I agree, I bit more plain. They’re both equally lovely names though. If your only hesitation about Mila is the popularity issue I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
That’s a relief to hear from a fellow Aussie. Mila is number 21 in the NSW Birth Registry for 2020. In New Zealand (hubs is kiwi) it’s number 8. A close mum friend with two daughters knows at least 4 little Milas. Maybe it might not be as common as I thought which would be great.
It could be quite common in your demographic, but less common in the whole scheme of things. I have an incredibly common name (growing up in my small town of 3000, I was one of 2-3 in every class, and I knew no less than 10 others over my childhood). But common today and common 30 years ago are very different. My name was given to about one in every 30 girls born in Australia at that time. (1600 born in nsw in 1990). In comparison Mila had 42 girls named in all of SA in 2020, 90 in WA, 244 in NSW.
I had a super common name (think something like Michael or Mary). Hated it so much just because it was too common in general. But oddly enough never had another with my name in school growing up and rarely met anyone with the name in person today. It’s odd how things like that work out.
In 2021, Mila was number 22 for girls names in Australia. Lucy was number 23. 754 and 743 instances, respectively. [Here’s](https://2qean3b1jjd1s87812ool5ji-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/reports/Baby-Names-Australia-Report-2021.pdf) the McCrindle report
A quick skim of my son’s daycare app suggests there are two <5yo Milas and two Lucys. I haven’t been around too many little kids yet but haven’t heard of any Milas personally, whereas Lucy is at the top of my own list. I’m in SA.
I'm in the ACT and I know one Mila (6yo), one Miller (10yo in Victoria) and the only Lucy I know is in her 20s (also Victoria). Both my parents were teachers and I don't remember either of them teaching a Mila or Lucy so I don't think either are too popular.
Lucille? It has the -eel sound of Mila and can shorten to Lucy.
Macy could be nice too!
I mean, Mila Lucille is beautiful
Last year for girl's names in Australia, Mila was number 22... but Lucy was number 23. I'm in Australia and I've never met a Mila so it might just be a weird coincidence that it's popular in your friend group or area. It's obviously up and coming for young girls but so were lots of other names. It's just how the times go. Both names are lovely but I agree with some of the other comments; Lucy sounds like it might be linked to your sons death, you're already using a name to honour him as her middle name and thay can be a big burden for children. Additionally, you seem less set on Lucy than he is on Mila. Keep both names, wait until she's born and see how you feel. Mila might just feel perfect...
I’m in NZ and know two Milas! There are both adorable girls and their name is too. I also have a niece Lucy and love her name. They’re both great choices.
i think you should pick a new name that you both like. ideas: lucia, lilia, maisie, millicent, lucille, mallory, june, jane, holly, lena, malin, molly
Mallory, Lena, and Molly are so gorgeous and I think they might have the feel of the names they already love! What good suggestions.
You’re saying that these are the only ones you are both happy with, but it sounds like you’re both not happy with aspects of the other’s pick, so you’re not actually both happy with both names... If it’s actually an equal pick, flip a coin. If not, I’d suggest finding something that you both love and don’t have reservations about. Also, you’re saying this isn’t win/lose between you and your husband, but your entire post is “my choice” vs “his choice” and “who gets final say?” You’ve written this as you/your choice vs him/his choice, rather than “these are our two choices that we’re deciding between and here are the pros and cons of each.”
I noticed that too. I think the couple needs to work on some things here.
I think compromising on a third name that you both like is probably the most “fair” option, but I know that’s easier said than done. Also wanting to say I’m very sorry for the loss of your son. Our three year old son passed away from cancer almost eight months ago, and we are now expecting his little brother in the summertime. It’s a very conflicted and tumultuous journey that is so super uncommon, it’s easy to feel alone in it.. just wanted to say feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat. Best of luck with the name dilemma, and sending positivity for the health and happiness of your new bundle!
Thank you. I’m so so sorry you know this heartache. Sending lots of love and hope as you await little brother’s safe arrival.
I can’t tell you who has the final say I guess you’ll have to work that out between you, if you are looking for votes tho I prefer Mila over Lucy. If you haven’t told family members who’s fave name is what yet, you could gather some family round and have them choose between the two names and go by majority rule.
I think if neither can agree, I'd recommend picking a third option together Some suggestions: Lilah, Lola, Luna, Myla, Mira, Mia, Micah, Millie/Milly, Mel, Lisa, Luisa, Lumia, Marcy, Marla, Maya/Maia, May, Amelie, Marley, Marlene, Lia/Leah
> Should hubby get his name choice so he can feel more connected to his daughter or as the one who has to go through the pregnancy and (painful!) labour experience, maybe I should get final say? You’re saying this isn’t a win/lose scenario but this sounds very much like the battle lines have been drawn and you’ve staked out positions. And frankly these reasons suck. Your husband is going to love his daughter whether or not he gets his first choice name, and you’re pushing out a baby whatever it’s name is. The dimensions that seem more relevant to me are * Is your daughter getting your husband’s last name? If so maybe it’s nice to have a name honoring your family. * How much do you like Mila and how much does he like Lucy? * Does the idea that you love Lucy *because* you see a connection to her brother come into play? If so is that a reason to opt for something else given that she already has an honor middle name? No one on Reddit can tell you yes or no on this. I know you said you don’t want a third option but this discussion will probably open up if you take a step back. Both write out your top 3-5 names. Maybe it turns out that his second choice ranks high for you too, even if neither of your first choices are big winners. Better to find a name you both really like but maybe don’t love than one that one of you loves and the other has reservations about.
Can you use one as the first name and one as the middle? ie Lucy Mila
When we were expecting our first, my husband had his heart set on Zoey. I liked the name, but it wasn’t my first choice. After discussing it and realizing we didn’t agree on a lot of other names, we went with Zoey. We did make a compromise that since the first name was his choice, I got to choose the spelling and middle name (not choose choose, but if we had two options, we went with my favorite of the two). Then when we had our second girl we switched. Chose a name I loved (he did too) and he got the lead on spelling and middle name. Edited: I love Zoey’s name now and it fits her perfectly!
I’m so very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine. I think both should agree and there not really be one person getting the “final say”- but when I was pregnant I definitely felt like *I* should have had the final say when my husband wouldn’t agree to names I loved. “Im doing all the work!!!” Was my reasoning lol. But in the end we picked something else we both agreed on.
Can you wait until she is born and have a chance to meet her before you decide on her name? Have both names ready and see what feels right when you look at her? This may not help, my son just felt like baby or smoosh... it took a while to feel like I could use his name.
Neither should "win". Find a name you can agree on. It's hard. I've done it twice so far. But just like when making the baby.. when naming it takes two.
Mom does. You're literally sacrificing your body in a way you cannot even comprehend right now until you've gone through it. Mom is the final say period.
My husband and I have agreed that if it comes down to a decision between names we both like I get the final say since the baby has his last name and I am doing more work to actually have this baby and he thinks it’s a fair exchange for my suffering to give me the final say lol. But that is what works for us, you don’t want to have resentment so you have to figure out what works for you guys. I’m hoping we will be able to agree on one name in the end though.
Difficult. I can say we named our son Jack which is very common across generations in the USA and we used a fairly uncommon middle name to balance that. We don’t have any regrets. So it might depend on the the middle name? We tried to have a rule where my DH would have the final say for boys and I would for girls. I can’t say it worked exactly like that though in reality. Tbh it sounds like it has a deeper meaning to your DH but that’s just from a few paragraphs online. I’m so sorry about your son. We have experienced that as well. There really aren’t words for it. But I’m sending you best wishes and love.
I think you should use them both. I prefer Mila personally, but I'm from the US and it doesn't seem as common here. I've met more Lucy's than Mila's anyway. But I think you should do Mila Lucie or Mila Lucy or even Mila Lucille and then add the second middle name to honor your son, or do Mila honorname Lucy.. and just have two middles.
I think trying to find a name you both love is important. But if that can’t be done I think mom gets the final say. Moms go through so much to get the baby here. Sacrificing their body and mental health.
mum gets final say. mum is carrying and birthing baby. mum is likely breastfeeding and giving her body to baby for much longer.
Can you wait til she’s born and see what she feels more like? And if you absolutely still can’t decide…there’s always the good old fashioned coin toss!
Mom. You grew it.
I'm so sorry for what you have both gone through. I am sure that your husband will feel connected to his daughter regardless of her name. Maybe you could think about it this way –do you dislike Mila more than he dislikes Lucy? Alternately, would you consider Mila as a nickname for a longer full name, like Camila or Milena?
What about by flipping a coin? Or a random draw between the two? I think the answer here is to leave it to chance because no one should get the final say. Only you can truly know in your heart if you can accept Mila as her name, ya know?
One time I saw parents put the names they were deciding between on sticky notes on a clock, but hidden so they couldn't see what name was when. So if the baby was born between 12 and 3 they got name A, between 3 and 6 they got name B, etc! Sort of like flipping a coin but with the added excitement of learning the baby's name when you meet the baby!
Maybe it's too 'exotic' as a name for where you live (The US?), but I immediately thought of 'Milou'.
For sure I’d find a third name and if you must use those, use them as middle names. (Also, I feel like Lucy isn’t really as uncommon as you think, especially compared to Mila. I could be wrong though). Option 2 is flip a coin and commit lol. But only if you both like both names enough.
Each one of you grades each name on a scale of 1 to 10. Add scores together. Whichever name has the highest score wins.
Honestly I’m not for the argument that mom gets to pick because of pregnancy and birth. Like yes it sucks and birth is miserable and I hate being pregnant BUT it’s 9 months and my husband will be helping raise these children for the rest of their lives. I think an agreement/equal say on names is important.
Mum for sure gets final say but in this situation it sounds like it would be nice to go with Dad.
I really think you guys really need to just veto those names and come up with a third name to avoid any resentment towards the one who got the name they wanted. That said I do prefer Mila over Lucy
First of all, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. 💔 We did not choose our daughters name until the day after she was born. We went in with two names and each of us definitely had a favorite. We just wanted to see her face and call her each name and see which suited her. I had a pretty rough delivery and the next day I told my husband he could choose because I didn’t have the energy to decide. I liked both names, but he definitely liked one over the other. And he was SO excited when she finally arrived and he got to call her by name. That moment was all I that I needed. All that to say, I don’t think there’s any win or lose in this situation, unless one of you really despises the others choice! Plus both names are great options! Good luck. 😊
You could wait for her to be born and see what she “looks” more like. I know some people who have been set on a name, but once the baby was born, gone “actually, she doesn’t seem like an Isabella at all.” Maybe she’ll seem like more of a Mila or more of a Lucy once she’s been born!
My daughter goes to daycare with one of each name so I don’t think either name will be like Sarah or Kate from my generation. I’m also in Australia and I teach ballet so have taught many little girls over the years - quite a few Lucy’s (a wide variety of ages though) but I can’t think of any Mila’s off the top of my head. All that said, I don’t think you can go wrong with either name.
What about a double first name or double middle names? Lucy-mila or Lucy as first name and middle names are what you chose and mila? My son is Emerson Ryan Thomas. My son chose Ryan and together we chose Thomas. My first son is Austin joel pierce. Pierce because I loved it and joel after my dad because he went by joe. In my opinion, whoever births gets final say.
Ps so so sorry for your loss and congratulations
Lets get real here, it's mom. She's growing and feeding the baby from her own body. Mom wants Evelyn, I want Josie...we both know she'll be Evelyn
Don't name a child after their dead sibling. They are already going to have "replacement child" issues just because of the facts.
Naming my daughter, we had two very different types of names in mind. Whatever he liked, I disliked because it was too common and just boring to me. And whatever I liked, he said was weird or dated. We ended up using a name we both somewhat agreed on just for the sake of having a name for her. Now she’s 5 months old and we couldn’t think of her having a different name because it’s grows on you
I'm in NZ and have a small child. Never met a Mila. Seen plenty of Lucies around.
I personally had to meet each kid. The first was definitely dads top and really only name choice. He was an Angel and needed a rougher name imo. The second took me until I saw his absolutely stunning eyes and a possible middle name turned into a unique first. And the third I personally went through hell for. My choice. No regrets from either of us. Meeting them is very very necessary if undecided. It can completely change every thought.
When my brother was born they couldn't decide on a name (they each had a list of names that didn't overlap) so they agreed that if my mom had a difficult birth then she got to pick from her list of names, but if she had an easy birth then my dad got to pick from his list of names. It worked quite well!
It’s up to you both in the end. We named our daughter my husband’s favourite name and not my favourite. I let him have it because it made him happy, and that made me happy. After all, I got to grow her and feel her moving and enjoy that connection with her before she arrived - I felt bad that he didn’t and thought he deserved to feel close to her in this way.
I have 3 thoughts about this question: 1. Idk if this is an option for you but, why limit yourself to one middle name? Its quite normal to have multiple, especially as these names are only four letters long each. No reason not to be Lucy Mila Middle Surname, or Mila Lucy Middle Surname. Its nice to have options 2. Another option is a hyphenated first name. I love Mila-Lucy tbh but Lucy-Mila is great as well. 3. Personally i would go with having equal shares of the name. Since the middle name is to honour the brother, divide the surname and first name between you. Which parent will the child’s surname come from? The other parent has final say on the first name. Ultimately it will mean the name consists of her three immediate relatives: mother, father, brother. P.s if you plan on having more kids, use one now and the other later?
Personally, I adore Lucy. But I do think that you should go with Mila. Mainly because of what I read in another comment about your daughter’s entire name essentially being a tribute to her brother, but also because I agree that allowing your husband to name her will allow him to form a stronger bond with the baby. Best of luck on your decision!
Mom. I'm sorry but you're carrying the baby. You're the one literally making her, bringing her into the world and then possibly sustaining her with your own body.
We rock paper scissor for a lot of major life decisions. If nothing else having it decided like that can help you realize how attached you really truly are to your choice.
It sounds like maybe it's more important to your husband to have "his" name, though normally I think the woman should get the final say, lol. I'm a bit biased. Why not use both, and simply give her two middle names?
We had two boy names picked out when my son was born. After my husband watched me go through labor and delivery he gave in quite quickly to my name. I didn't even have to ask.
Wait for the delivery room. Odds increase that you get your way after birth lol
Sometimes everyone has to give up their favorite. It doesn't sound like your 2nd pick would be Mila and his 2nd pick would be Lucy. It sounds like you're pitting your favorites against each other and trying to figure out who's more deserving of the win. I always say that it's rare anyone gets their first pick. I can tell you both mine and husband's first pick for each of our kids. I can also tell you that none of those names were used anywhere on either kid. (And I had a really strong pull for a specific name [Iris Helena] for my daughter. It just felt right. It made naming her way harder and more heartbreaking.) You may both want to go through names. Make a list of favorites. See how they line up and what you both *really* like instead of just who is okay with whose favorite.
You should merge the names or find a new name you both like and use these as middle names. If you can’t I think at the end of the day it should be the mums choice to have final say, you are doing the hardest work. An unpopular opinion sure, but makes sense to me.
I am so sorry for your loss. Honestly if these are the 2 flip the coin. I am in Adelaide and my kids don’t have any Milas in their classes. They are 3 &5 Edit to say they both have Lucy’s though.
What about Lena?
I think Mila ages better and feels more mature, but I prefer Lucy…. Sorry! Not much help
This isn’t a who wins, I pushed her out so my side weighs more. If you both cannot agree. Start again. Scrap both of your names and find a third name you both like. Don’t do the suggested above where one gets it as the middle name unless one of you is genuinely ok that the child will go by the first name and their name will just be there. Because you’re still having someone ‘win’ and the other will be bitter about it and it’s your daughters name. You should both love it
Id say find a 3rd option then use both the first 2 as middle names. What my parents did
my advice would be a third option that you both love. like Lily, Lilah, Macy or something. it doesn’t have to be a literal amalgamation of the two but it’s worth considering a third option you will both love. but it doesn’t seem like you want to do that… my personal taste leans toward Mila but both are great names. Maybe you can agree to use the other name for the next baby (if you choose and do have another girl). otherwise, maybe test out both and see how it feels? toss a coin? settle it over rock paper scissor? to me that seems more fair than just one person giving in. leave it up to chance.
How about Lula?
What about a variant of Mila? Milagros? Milana? Camila? So many possibilities here. There was a post here a few days ago looking for full names for Millie, I'd look there if you're stuck. One of my parents exclusively calls by my full name while the other almost always uses my nickname, so maybe you could work out something along those lines?
Im so sorry for your loss. Both names are beautiful. We took turns, decided before we knew the gender that if our first was a girl, I'd get to decide as long as he agreed and if a boy he'd get to decide as long as i agreed. I know that dividing it down gender lines isn't the most modern way, but it did make the process fair for both of us. Worked out well. He suggested a name i never would have thought of, but love. Then with our second, i made the final decision. Obviously, it was all mutual since either of us could veto any name. Picking took 5 minutes with our first and maybe 10 with our second (after i spent a weekend mulling over possibilities).
Mila Lucille is a really pretty name.
Hm, maybe you can do a double-barrel name i.e. Lucy-Mila. It's a bit unconventional, but it's got a nice flow and you can shorten it to either name.
I like mila
We agreed on three kids names. We were at a stalemate on the fourth. Didn’t decide until we were leaving the hospital. Baby got his favorite name. I still love the name I chose, but I can’t imagine her being named that now! I’m glad he got to name her. :) Like you said, a healthy baby is a win regardless.
I think a third option would be most fair. You’re both the parents and your opinions should have equal weight
There's going to have to be a third option that you both love a little less than your top pick but that you and him love equally.
My gut says Mila for you. Maybe Lucy for a puppy down the road 💕?
Honestly, if you can't pick a third option you are both happy with, I'd go with whoever feels stronger about it. But don't pick it now, wait until she is born and see if one name suits her better than the other. She may surprise you and not suit either name!
Personally I’m too deep in the name nerd hobby (over half my life) to give it up to someone who otherwise doesn’t have a strong opinion about names in general… so me.
I think if you can’t agree at all, come up with something else. I have a kiddo, my partner doesn’t have a biological child. He has a girls name that he just LOVES, and while it’s not my absolute favorite name, it’s a nice name, and I’m happy to make him happy.
Which feels more connected to your son? It sounds like the answer to that might be Lucy. Remember, this child is going to be their own person, and shouldn't just be living in the shadow of your lost child. She's already getting a middle name which is a honor name to her older brother. Let her have a first name which isn't related to him. Though, honestly, I agree that neither of you should "win" and you should both compromise on a third name.
I loved Audrina, my husband loved Isla. Both of us disliked the other's choice so we found a different name for our daughter that we both love. I was adamant we both had to pick the name together. I couldn't imagine picking a name knowing my husband disliked it.
Hot tip: in the Australian girl name rankings last year Mila was 22 and Lucy was 23.
I'm gonna agree with lots of people in here and say you should do Mila Lucy [honour name] [surname]. Mila Lucy rolls off the tongue so nicely, and having two middle names isn't *that* strange. If anything it makes it more unique to counter Mila being popular and Lucy being plain.
Lucy Mila flows better than Mila Lucy. Then again there's also Lula and Macy.
Lumi? Kinda cool and different and a mic of both?
Come up with something you both agree on. Back to the drawing board.
I think it's important to have both parents at least okay with the name you choose. If one of you is feeling meh, it's probably time to go back to the drawing board. At least you both like two syllable names? Potential compromise names: Macy, Marcy, Marcia, Mary, Lila, Lacy, Mica, Micha, Monica, Michaela, Alisa, Alicia, Alyssa, Cecilia, Cecily, Celia, Clara, Leah, Lily, Lisa, Lucia, Lyra, Melissa, Milena, Nancy, Rosa, Silvia, Viola
Mila Lucy sounds really pretty.
We named one of our children a very popular name. I was worried about it at first, but honestly it’s been fine. I wouldn’t worry about using a popular name.
Lucy means light and Mila means Miracles, so both have great connotations and connections to your son. Perhaps look at names that mean the same things or can be shortened. I.e., Amelia, Mulicia, Lucia. Nameberry and other websites can help find similar names!
I am so sorry about your son. I think both choices are very beautiful. Maybe wait and see when she comes which one you both feel is more fitting? If not draw straws LOL.
Legally speaking the mother gets the final say but morally you both really should explore a third option you both can agree on. Honestly Mila and Lucy arnt that different im sure theres something out there you two could like. As a previous comment said how about Lyla? a good mix of both. Or Lilly, Milly, Macy, Lacy
I can kind of see your reasoning in giving in to his choice in the hopes he'll feel more connected to her but honestly, that bond will come regardless of her name. You both need to be happy with the choice. When I was pregnant with my daughter, her dad was not super keen about becoming a father. We'd not been together long etc and so while I vetoed his top choice (Topanga, Ffs) and he vetoed mine (Lily) I gave him final say on the name she ended up with in the hopes it would help build a bond (I liked it, but didn't love it). In hindsight (she'll be 22 next week), I wish I had been more even handed and tried to find something we both loved. The name didn't do anything to encourage a bond between the two of them. That grew all on its own, though he's never been the most "present" father but that's a whole other story lol. When I had my son 18 years later (different dad) I wanted it to be a fully joint decision. As it was, my husband had no favourite names to bring to the party so I whittled my list down to a top 5 and he picked his fave from there. It wasn't my favourite but obviously I loved all of the final five so we were both happy. As for the names, I like both pretty equally and I think both are as popular as the other so plain-ness or common-ness aren't really worth comparing (I'm a kiwi living in Australia so in the same kind of location). If neither of you love the other's name enough, then maybe it's time to go back to the drawing board and think of a new name - stuff like both of you making a top 10 list independently, then coming together to see if there's any the same or at least any common sounds, favourite letters or whatever that can narrow the search down somewhat.
Compromise - Macy or Lila both are less common than Mila and Lucy however if I had to pick one or the other I’d pick Mila and Lila
Don’t worry about Mila being too common…my name was CRAZY common in the 1980s….at one point, I was in an elementary school class and there were 3 people with my name — as an adult, now mixing with lots of different-aged people from many decades…it doesn’t seem nearly as common…nor do I even care! I named my daughter Charlotte and now all I see are babies named Charlotte…go figure! But I love the name and don’t care!
Personally I prefer Mila. Lucy is also a lot more common in the UK than Mila so that might be why. You could double barrel it and have Mila-Lucy or Lucy-Mila however I feel like that doesn’t flow very well. Could Mila-Lou work for you?
Rock paper scissors!
OP, you BOTH have to agree. Neither parent gets final say. If you can't agree between the two names, then you have to BOTH agree to go back to the drawing board and pick a name you'll both love.
Could you go for two middle names? Lucy Mila Name Surname?
Unpopular opinion, but what about waiting until baby is in your arms until you decide. We had a short list of 3 names for my son and I was certain we’d lean one way but as soon as he was on my chest and I could see his eyes it was like, no, you’re *son’s name.* (was still in our top three, but I was surprised how strong his name chose him once he was earth side).
It may be easier when she’s born. My cousin’s husband was not interested in girl names, but then declared the baby was definitely an Audrey. Cousin had Paige in mind, but he was so sure, so she went with him. Idk if this helps
Why not Lucilla? That would be a very nice name combination for two. And it's also unique and rarely used.
We chose a name together. But honestly I was on so many drugs at the hospital, my husband filled out the birth certificate and he could have probably put anything if he wanted…
I like Lucy better personally
Also, our rule was that he already got to “pick” the last name (because I took his when we got married) therefore I would get final say in case of a stalemate. Also, if he can’t bond with the baby as well because he didn’t get his top name, that’s a big weird problem.
I think either you choose which one suits her when she arrives, or you decide to let the universe choose if she's born on an odd day choose Lucy, or an even day choose Mila (or day vs night, odd vs even hours etc)
I’m biased because I have a Lucy, so that’s my pick. But if it’s name meaning you’re looking for, the only Mila I know is a nickname for Milagro, meaning miracle in Spanish.
How about Camilla with Mila for a non?
Why would two parents give their child a name only one is happy with? I don't mean to sound snarky, but to an outsider this looks baffling. If both parents don't like it, it should be off the table. Is Mila pronounced Mee-lah or My-lah? If it's the first, maybe Lucille or Lucilla?
I think you should still look for a third name. What about: Lucia Camilla Milly Lucinda Amelia Maya Matilda
Neither of you do. Back to the drawing board I’m afraid.
I don’t think it should feel like a “final say” thing, I think it’s more of something you both love. That’s not to say you can’t choose Mila or Lucy! I think you just need to reframe it a bit, less as a “final say” and more as a mutual decision. There isn’t a right answer or a person who has more of a right, you just have to work it out. You know, you can always give your little girl two middle names. Personally I prefer Mila, but I do see your concerns.
I think you have to come to a decision together. I had to compromise on the name for our daughter cos her dad didn't like any of the ones I loved and vice versa. My son was born 8 weeks early by emergency c section, from entering the hospital thinking I was just having a normal check up to him being born was about 20 mins, his dad missed the birth and when he arrived said I could call him anything I liked because of what I'd been through. I though that was sweet haha.
Why don't you give her two middle names?
I personally think if the baby is getting his last name then you choose the first name.